Frustrated? Yeah!

[alliematt]

You all need an emoticon that says $#%$#, I'd use it often.

I'm 54 and I'm still crying over bullying that happened when I was five.  (And six, seven, eight . . .)  What I'm so angry about is that it NEVER STOPPED and I was given NO TOOLS to stop it with.  They WERE more powerful.  THey DID hold all the cards.  I didn't.  It was the same in the church group I was part of.  The leaders held all the power.  I didn't.  I didn't dare talk back to a bully and I didn't dare talk back to a leader.  They ALWAYS had a answer.  ALWAYS.  I can't win.  I am ALWAYS in the wrong.  Even today, I am ALWAYS the one who feels like they are in the wrong.

What did I do that was so horrible to make people treat me so badly?
What did I do that was so awful?
Why do other people always seem more powerful than I do?
God is supposed to be on the side of the powerless but he sometimes just does not seem to be on my side.  I can't figure out what he wants.  I'm afraid of screwing up, getting it wrong, and having him punish me.

I'm 54.  When do I get better?  Ever?

[Kizzie]

Just my opinion of course but if you are bumping up against people who want to bully and control others, they will put all their effort into taking and keeping the upper hand, that's what they do and they're good at it.  Unfortunately, just because someone is religious doesn't mean they are a member for good reasons, often it's to have power over others.  The only winning with people like them is walking away and finding healthier people with whom you can have a reciprocal relationship.  Otherwise you are constantly dancing to their tune.  Your power comes from stepping away. 

Some years ago I read something that stuck with me - "If you want to stop dancing, sit down." Seems kind of simplistic I know but it has served me so well when I find myself caught up in the never ending dance with unhealthy people (Ns, bullies, know-it-all's, abusers ...).  For example, what about visiting a different church group with an eye to joining if they seem to be a healthy community?

[Eyessoblue]

Hey, I'm of a similar age and feel for you relating to what you say, I've had emdr therapy which has been hugely beneficial in moving me forward in this, is it something you have heard of? I've now all these years later cried all the tears I needed to cry and feel like I've putbso much to rest, the anger and hurt has practically gone now, well worth looking at if you haven't already.

[Blueberry]

How about this for an emoticon ? I used to use it more.

I agree with Kizzie on stepping away from those kinds of people. I used to feel that that way I was giving them power. Like, why do I have to leave all of FOO because some mbrs are so mean and abusive to me? Until I accepted that round about the really mean and abusive, there are the enablers and the fairly mean, also those who may not really be mean but definitely unhealthy and could certainly do with therapy. And then me as FOO SG carries the weight and the blame every time because in such an unhealthy system, I also revert to unhealthy ways. I need to be in a healthier system to be able to function in the healthier ways I have learnt. One single person, especially one with our kinds of histories and vulnerabilities, can't change a whole system. Well, that's my take on it now. I like the saying from over at OutOfTheFog known as The 3 Cs: I didn't cause it, can't change it, can't control it. (Except I say "have no control over it").

You didn't do anything that caused abusive behaviour towards you. Even if you had done something one time, like an inappropriate remark or something (which we all do on occasion - we're humans after all, not God himself), somebody can address the issue with you, they don't have to be abusive about it. My 'flaw' apparently was being born. Something I am clearly not at fault for, well, at least not if you don't believe in souls choosing the FOO they want to be born into. I don't and I'm pretty sure nobody in FOO - who pride themselves on utterly rational, logical thought - does.

I think it's fairly normal with cptsd to cry or show other emotions about things that happened when we were very young, unless of course your emotions are all in freeze-mode. That doesn't seem to be your case though. You can think of it as your Inner Children coming out and crying about what was done to them. It's good to tell them the past is over, things have changed and moved on, we'll protect them now. My ICs used to tell me I wouldn't or couldn't protect them, which was true while I still kept company with unhealthy people including FOO members.

I note your fear of punishment from God. I grew up without much of a belief system and came to some belief and feeling some amount of spiritual support as an adult. It saddens me to read that you are frightened of making a mistake in case of punishment. Moving forwards can be a bit of a trial and error process, so fear of making a mistake could really hinder you there. I used to be almost paralysed by fear of making mistakes.
I don't want to start a religious discussion here, I would soon get out of my depth anyway. There is a spiritual discussion over at OOTF http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=13.0 I'm wondering if reading there might give you a slightly different perspective. I don't read there often, but when I do, I've seen members quoting scripture to enforce and uphold healthy ways of living and communicating with others.

[sanmagic7]

allie, these responses were so good, said so much, i'm afraid i don't have much to add in the way of advice.

however, i was very involved in a lutheran/christian church for many years, including being part of the council and a sunday school teacher.  i learned about a god there, taught children about that god, learned a lot of the bible (especially the new testament), and also learned a lot about the people who showed up every week, served on the council and the various committees.

what i learned the most about was hypocrisy.  these people who 'served' the church and its members were some of the most un-christian people i've ever known.  selfish, arrogant, sexist, racist, misogynistic - the more i learned, the more i didn't like.  what this led me to was redefining god for myself. 

as kizzie mentioned, it was the way that i stopped dancing to their tune.  i took back my power in that single act.  i eventually quit that church (after my term on the council was over), looked around at other forms of spirituality from other cultures, researched other beliefs, and finally took what suited me from any of them.   they and their god have no power over me any more.

instead, my god knows that i will make mistakes, accepts that i'm human, and i have a wonderfully loving relationship going.  i had a small wooden plaque as a child that depicted a kitten playing with a ball of yarn, and it said simply 'god is love'.  that is now the god i have chosen, and love is the best thing i could ever imagine for god to be.

maybe, when you're ready, you can do something that works for you as far as depicting what god means to you, what being a good person means, and how you and god are truly connected.  it may turn out to be that it's not what you've been taught, but is something individual that fits for you.  these people may not be true representatives of what god means, of being loving and caring.  they may not be people you really want to be around.

sending love and compassion, allie.  all my best to you in finding your way to a spiritual environment that fits for you.