Getting My Needs Met

[Bett W]

Without the TV on at night I talk to that little girl and then brave young mother.  I tell them I will come help them, I tell them to hold on and I will be there with hugs and healing I say we will do everything all over again and do it right with love, and caring and listening and things will be okay and we will all be fine. I tell them that all they need is me and I am coming.   I picture times there were tears and confusion and I cry, I remember the times of fear and I cry and I make promises that I know I can't keep so I turn on the TV and let it play all night. 

My therapist and I have talked about getting my needs met, and except for pats on the back for the amazing things I do, which feeds my deepest need, and is never enough, I have none. I like and am liked but too close is too dangerous. 

The deepest part of me is still behind walls and is convinced that I will screw up and put a foot wrong for sure and be found out, and I better be careful, and if I can't be perfect then I am useless. 

I know exactly how, what and why all of that is rot, but things are carved in stone for a reason. 

I am some better, after all there are only two walls left, albeit titanium walls, guarding the stone tablets.  I mostly recognize my feelings, sure I sometimes still need a kick in the butt, but it happens.  I see clearly how crying is important, but I still don't know how to want something I don't want or how to care about anything.

[Kizzie]

Hello Bett and a warm welcome to OOTS 

It is a common CPTSD conundrum unfortunately; how to locate healthy people to learn about trust and develop reciprocal relationships. Pete Walker (author of "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving), and others talk about relational therapy in which we can learn trust and reciprocity to a 'good enough' degree to allow another person to help us begin to poke holes in the wall so some feelings begin to surface. He has an article here.  Our guest blogger this week Matt Carey also has a free download written by his therapist about their (therapeutic) relationship here . 

Coming here to post back and forth is also another way of getting needs for validation, understanding and support in a safe and anonymous community of peers.  Your deepest self can try venturing out a little bit at a time without feeling so exposed and vulnerable as when you are face to face with someone. 

i also found that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was helpful in learning to challenge and replace my beliefs that everyone is unsafe.  There are lots of workbooks available you can work through on your own and even some affordable online courses such as Learn to Live (this is the one I did, there are others).

In my experience recovery and healing take time because that wall can be pretty solid, it is what saved us when we were being traumatized afterall.  Hope some of this is helpful