Fed up

[Eyessoblue]

Hi all, not posted for a while as was really feeling better and thinking for the first time, I'm ok now, I've moved on I don't need any help!!! A great feeling but not to last, wham! It's back again that feeling of being worthless, wanting to end it all, drinking TIL it's all ok, but it's not and feel like I'm back to the beginning, doing inner child work omg it's hard, my dissociated identity thought it was ok but now the real me has realised it really wasn't. I've cut the ties tried to move forward but fell back on the first hurdle and here I am yet again struggling to make sense of anything.....
Cigarettes, alcohol they see me through , but real life and existence how do I survive how do I cope???
Want the hole to open swallow me up and be no more, this emptiness I can take no more!!!!!!!!
Just want the crap to end but when it does it comes back and bites me hard........ hate it, go away, leave me alone........ how do you move forward feel like I've tried everything and here I am again back where I started!........

[woodsgnome]

My pattern is similar, but I'm starting to realize something that sometimes helps.

I too have cycles that range from thinking this is cool, I'm over the hump, all is well, and...then it all collapses so easily  . There's something small, though, that I'm slowly realizing. I don't understand it, but I'm tired of analyzing everything so much anyway.

Basically the realization I'm speaking of is that even when the worst comes upon me yet again, that how I am in my 'bad' state is no more my 'normal' state than when I'm feeling wonderful and optimistic about life. That other 'good' stuff is just behind the curtain. Why it's hiding I've no idea but just knowing it must be there means it's probably coming back. Logically I can't buy this, but I do have an imagination, and if that's what I imagine happening I'll consider it a good sign--as in hooray, the mind did me a favour for once. What's called 'real life' isn't consistent. Having battled all the cptsd has discoloured the picture, but the good is as 'real' as the bad--it's just that the latter dominated our lives for so long.

I hope that makes sense? That our good moments aren't an aberration, they probably reflect more of our real selves than we've given ourselves credit for or allowed ourselves to see.

Does this end the awful feeling that all is lost? No, but perhaps the down times can become more sporadic and/or temporary. It does take a shift in thinking (some call this 'attitudinal healing'), but it's helping me to see that the good side is as real, and at least as big a part of 'me' as the negative vibes make it seem. 

[Blueberry]

Sending 

I often spiral back to that kind of feeling. The only worthwhile thing in life is eating... can't imagine anything else to do. Yesterday I went to bed early instead. I try to do something less harmful than eating junk. Even if just lying in bed reading or doing crosswords.

By today I realise it's an EF. So how to get out of that? I know there are steps for that. Sometimes I just ride it out though. My EFs are getting shorter and less deep, as I go through healing. You may still need the steps, Idk.

[jamesG.1]

I think it's always easier if you build in an expectation that you will have them from time to time and that they are part of the experience. Horrible I know, but natural.

Keeping a log of triggers really helps too. What started this particular dip? Anything you can prise out and illuminate?