hullo

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sj

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hullo
« on: July 10, 2018, 04:14:04 AM »
Hello to the members of this forum

I've now had 3 separate therapists say that they think I have CPTSD. I have only ever otherwise been dx with depression and anxiety, though I have a lot of stuff going on over the years that I never took to any medical or psychotherapeutic practitioners due to deep mistrust on my part. I also 'spiritualised' a lot of my experiences, which I would now describe, to some though not total degree, as attempts to normalise those experiences and give myself some sense of power and control over quite intense and overwhelming/out-there experiences (nb; I also don't completely dismiss this aspect either, as there is still some wisdom and sense and growth I've found in it all). I've also pretty much experienced the Failure to Thrive, thing, having never been able to maintain full-time study or employment for more than about a year at max since I left high school - I am now in my 40s (also living with chronic, debilitiating health issues since age 30). I have a mid-to high range ACE Score.

Anyway, the more I have come to look at CPTSD, in recent years, the more I am realising it covers all of what I have and continue to live with, so I have recently pretty much started to focus more on researching and understanding all the things related to both what causes this and how to try and recover from it.

I can't believe I have spent since age 16 (major dramatic event, tho abuse exposure started when I was in utero) actively working to try and 'heal' myself, yet always seemed to get dragged back down to Hades, no matter how hard I tried. Like trying to wrestle with ghosts. My life has been pretty much only this, and I have so much grief and rage about that. And still a lot of shame and  self-blame I am trying to release.

I'll leave my intro at that.

All the best to everyone here and to whoever reads this.

sj


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Kizzie

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Re: hullo
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2018, 11:15:01 AM »
Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS SJ  :heythere: 

I read some of your other posts and being in contact with and to a degree dependent on your parents because of your physical issues may be a major reason you are struggling with recovery.  The trauma is not "post" really but is still ongoing and accumulating. You have ghosts to be sure, but you also have the real thing and that can be tough to deal with.  Have you looked into disability so you have the option of going NC at some point?   

 

   
When it comes to trauma, time does NOT heal all wounds. It is deeply embodied in our mind, body & spirit & requires compassionate, knowledgeable treatment & self-care.

If we want more/better trauma informed treatment & services, we must advocate for ourselves when & where we can.

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Libby183

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Re: hullo
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2018, 10:59:01 PM »
Welcome to OOTS, SJ.

It really sounds as if you have a lifetime of trauma to deal with.

I relate very much to your comment about the abuse starting before you were even born, your shame and self blame and your "failure to thrive"  with regards to employment.  All are quite common themes on the forum, so I am sure that you will find a lot of support here,  just as I have.

I hope we can offer you support while you  work through your current situation.

Take care.

Libby.