Wattlebirds journal

Wattlebird · August 20, 2018, 02:13:30 PM

Thanks San your a good one, if I get desperate I may b brave enough to do that not sure, hey I was reading the what's in a name post today it's great I don't read too much as everything is so triggering but that was really encouraging thanks

Wattlebird · August 20, 2018, 11:31:54 PM

I've been for a lovely walk this morning soaking in the beautiful views of nature here where I live, I believe I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I'm sure loads of people from all sorts of places believe this as well so could be anywhere. I'm going to meditate for a while and do some gardening I think

Wattlebird · August 21, 2018, 03:42:19 AM

Ok I know I keep writing every few hrs, I'm just trying to keep on track mentally, I did some gardening in the sunshine

, washed the floor, washed the clothes and sheets changed the bed, cleaned out my van, checked up on surf conditions by driving around some beaches watched some surfing for a while and it's only lunch time argh
How to keep busy and distract myself for the rest of the day.
I could go for a swim, clean the Windows, cook dinner, walk the dogs again, I need to keep active, ow I should meditate again too ok got a plan for a while

Wattlebird · August 21, 2018, 09:10:30 AM

Today was not too bad, I still feel dreadful but dreadful is still better than horrendous, you know life sux when your glad to only feel dreadful

Wattlebird · August 22, 2018, 07:45:46 AM

Another day - most of which was spent in bed, I'm sick of this, think I'm sliding into depression again, I did go for a walk along the beach, play with the dogs for a while and connect with a friend I hadn't seen for a while, spent time with hubby, but it's not improving my mood at all or maybe it is and I'd feel worse if I didn't do these things

anyway I'm going back to bed

Wattlebird · August 23, 2018, 07:29:06 AM

A much better day today,
I'm starting to realise I'm surrounded by borderlines, my mother my daughter and I'm starting to think my husband ( I always thought he was a narsissist or control freak) but lately I've been researching borderline since my daughter was diagnosed and it fits him as well.
No wonder I'm losing my mind, I have cptsd from childhood but I'm starting to realise that the abusive problems didn't stop there, my husband has been in therapy and is making tremendous progress over the past few years. which i believe helped me feel safe enough to start dealing with my own issues and insecurities what a pair we are. We've been married 20+ yrs and what a roller coaster it's been.
Therapy tomorrow, I'm fairly nervous about it as last week turned into such a disaster plus I have to confess my failure to cope afterward.

Wattlebird · August 24, 2018, 09:27:41 AM

I had therapy today it went well, I'm so grateful, I'm not sure what she did ? but I feel much more stable, I'm never sure why talking things thru helps you. I see perfectly well that it does, ow I think I'm surprised that a long held belief is false

Wattlebird · August 25, 2018, 02:26:29 AM

This journaling is really helping me think about what I'm thinking about - if that makes sense, it's helping me learn how to communicate what I'm thinking about, I think that's the biggest benefit for me I've always struggled to communicate especially about emotions,
Today I've been struggling with temptation, my anxiety is low, my mood is fairly good as well, so why now ?
You know sometimes I just want a temptation switch that I can just turn off for a while so as to rest for a while in peace without having to struggle continuously, like time out please

Wattlebird · August 25, 2018, 07:17:11 AM

Ok the choice I have been worrying over is this: I can tell my husband I "fell of the wagon" last week or not
My dilemma is that I'm pretty sure he is borderline and I'm freaking out about his reaction not only the angry outburst but the controlling behaviour that will result as well, but I know this process also works as a big deterrent and honesty is such a foundational part of good relationships that it also seems foolish not to tell him.
My instinct is to not tell him but my t and another friend who I've told both think I should tell him but it's my choice

sanmagic7 · August 25, 2018, 10:50:05 AM

i agree, wb, that it's your choice. since i don't know the dynamic between you and your hub, i can't really give an opinion. the only thing that comes to mind is which way (telling or not telling - or, even, putting off telling till a later date) will be best for your recovery? either from c-ptsd, or your addiction? is that what you're talking about?

maybe writing out the pros and cons might be helpful. recovery from c-ptsd and from addiction (if that's what you're referring to) can mean different things. then, there's always the 'honesty' faction for your marriage. these are quite a few different aspects to consider.

i'm really glad you're finding it helpful to journal, also glad your session went well. i know this stuff can seem extremely tangled at times, but i don't doubt that as you continue with all of it, you'll find it easier to straighten things out.

sending love and a hug filled with clarity for you.

Wattlebird · August 25, 2018, 02:15:00 PM

Thanks San
I was talking about my addiction but I also see that as part of my cptsd and see recovery from addiction and cptsd as intimately connected,
I got a big nudge in the conscience today when he confessed a similar stumble in his journey, it was hard for him to confess but he did ( what a guilt trip) so I wanted to hear him out and thought it inappropriate to drop my confession as well but maybe that was the perfect time. So I'm feeling guilty and scared but I think the best thing for my recovery is to tell him but I'm going to wait till I'm more comfortable with that so I don't feel the pressure to start a potentially explosive situation ( going by past results )

sanmagic7 · August 25, 2018, 07:50:30 PM

i believe you know best what's right for you, wb. you know the dynamics involved. i think your decision to wait is valid.

i realize that addictions and c-ptsd are often connected, possibly intermingled. sometimes it seems best to tease them apart, look at them separately, in order to come to a place of comfort. it sounds like you did just that - waiting till you're more settled within yourself before you 'confess'. the timing of these things can be different for everyone. it sounds to me as if your c-ptsd recovery (waiting till you feel more comfortable) is taking precedence here, and i don't think that's a bad thing.

i also don't think you need to feel guilty - your timing is different than his, your response is possibly different than his will be. 2 individuals working on similar issues can often overlap. keep doing what's best for you. it's your recovery, no matter from what source. love and hugs, sweetie.

Andyman73 · August 26, 2018, 12:08:09 AM

WB,
Have you found the CBD oils to help with mental health also? I'm not sure what you said previously. I do know there are studies with Veterans and PTSD and how mj and cbd oils can help. I'm always so so anxious to try something new that would benefit my health. Even telling my dr about something takes months and months.

I agree with Sweet San...each of us is on our own time schedule.

Wattlebird · August 26, 2018, 01:48:53 AM

Yes I agree San today I'm more comfortable with that decision, thanks.
It's good to be reassured as I always doubt myself so much.
Hi Andyman
The CBD oil I have is equal parts CBD/THC it has been a tremendous help to me, it helps with anxiety heaps but that's the CBD don't use street pot as pot with no CBD exacerbates anxiety and makes some people quite paranoid. When I take it I find I can think thru my anxieties and there causes and make connections my conscience brain won't normally allow. I sleep much better.
I did a lot of research about it and discovered the benefit
It has allowed my recovery to go much quicker I am a big advocate
I have very similar problems with Drs.
It is a proven benefit to PTSD, though a friend I know who is a veteran didn't cope with it as he said it gave him tinitus ( ringing in his ears ) so who knows, everyone is different.
Anxiety is so debilitating I hope you find a way to help deal with it

Wattlebird · August 26, 2018, 03:38:58 AM

I've been struggling with the push- pull emotions surrounding friends or relationships in general, I want to be closer to people but resist this as well, I'm starting to feel safe with my therapist and another friend but I worry I'm becoming too dependent on them because it also feels very risky,
I worry more about this friend as she really has no reason to be my friend at least the t is getting paid, when I write this down I can see I have no self confidence that people will actually like me for who I really am if I show them. How sad