New to the Forum; not to the Forest (or are those trees?)

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Knowunknown

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New to the Forum; not to the Forest (or are those trees?)
« on: July 13, 2018, 09:53:20 PM »
Hello all.

Ditto "Alone".  I feel ya there.  It is strange to move from "seemingly o.k." being with one's self to not being "seemingly o.k.", but very friggin' not o.k. with one's self.  As was also stated, it is hard to wake up to the reality of the PD'd persons who have seemed to be "loving us".  While I knew that my mother was abusive (my body continues to learn this), it took quite a bit longer to identify my father's failure to protect, and to try to understand how in the heck :stars:....

I studied Psychology through the master's level; even worked as a therapist for a period before another "breakdown".  I hear writers in my mind now saying, "breakthrough?"  Not seeming that way.   I did realize that, as Pete Walker stated, and I must paraphrase, "As one Psychotherapist quipped, if C-PTSD were given its due, the DSM would shrink from the size of a large dictionary to a pamphlet".  So true that Psychology (The study of the "Soul) has, by way of reductionism, created such a hodge-podge of diagnoses based upon varied and changing symptom clusters- all on a continuum.  10-sessions and an SSRI is the protocol.  Crazy field coupled with "crazy me" doesn't mix well.  Disorders or Reorderings.  All the latter say I.  Clearly, I am trying to avoid the stigmas of some of the more stigmatizing diagnoses.  C-PTSD, however, seems to fit and I'm glad to see that while the APA doesn't see the validity of the diagnosis, the W.H.O. does.  If American Psychiatry/Psychology accepted it, then "treatment plans" and behavioral  health would eventually HAVE to change.  The body and the mind are one.  Enough of this rant...intellectualization has kept me from much of my healing as knowing is just not enough.  Experience.......argh!

I am 50-years of age.  My whole life has been seeking "the truth", and as I recall often drawing mazes as a youngster, I can see that this mind was already trapped and entranced (of course out of necessity) by understanding the incomprehensible family dynamics.  My deceased mother did not want children.  I was the 2nd and she apparently took diet pills while pregnant with me??  I looked it up.....had to be amphetamines.  So I've been on amphetamines since in the womb and obviously malnutritioned.  I was physically abused during toilet-training, and cannot find a picture of my mother and I in which she is actually touching this son whom she did not want.  The emotional and psychological torture I can sometimes imagine, and sometimes can feel compassion for "little e".  I have f'd up my life financially, relationally, and in many other ways.  Identification of triggers (rather than guilting myself for having them), dealing with the bodily sensations (emotions and otherwise) is very difficult.  I have read many of the threads herein and see that I'm not alone in this.  It can seem to me overwhelming trying to get help.  I've experienced re-birthing, mindfully-based therapy, a Vision Quest (showed just how "The Body Never Forgets"), and also how important it would've been to learn the emotional regulation skills beforehand (had a panic attack and thought leaving the VQ would be the end of my truth-seeking).  Not so lucky!  Have worked with Somatic Experiencing, Aryuveda, Cranio-Sacral therapy and Reiki.  No way out but through?! :pissed:

I know this is probably tangential and not as revealing as I hope(d) to be, but it's an introduction of me/he who suffers to you/he/she who suffers, and, it seems, in many similar ways.

I wish for a new dealer...these cards suck.  I see my family sitting around the table and passing me the 2 of clubs in a game I remember called "F your neighbor".  Only I couldn't show a King to stop the passage.  The youngest of the family, I got it pretty bad and healing this seems a tall order.  I sometimes think that it's impossible; that the resources aren't there.  Support is difficult to find (here for that and to provide it I hope), trust is difficult because.....as it's hard to know "how" trustworthy another human can be; unconsciousness being the rule.

O.K. Enough for now.  Thank you for reading this and for any support you may be able to offer. 

"Psychology measures a person's adaptation to the society in which he/she finds themselves; no inquiry, however, is made as to that society's adaptation to the world as it is"- Hubert Benoit "Zen and the Psychology of Transformation"

Prayers and Blessings to all!

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Laura90

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Re: New to the Forum; not to the Forest (or are those trees?)
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2018, 02:40:12 AM »
Hi Knowunknown  :heythere:

Great to have you here. The forum for me has become that wonderful collection of people that I know understand in such a compassionate way - that understanding through experience as you also put it, as well as knowledge.
I really hope you find kindness, reassurance of 'I know, it's Ok, even when we know the unfairness of this life is not ok' and people to 'sit with' when c trauma really zaps us and seems to work against us even when we try so flipping hard to recover.

Anyway I'm going on now...!  :blink: sorry!

Welcome and we're here.
Laura

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Libby183

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Re: New to the Forum; not to the Forest (or are those trees?)
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2018, 07:51:49 AM »
Welcome,  knownunknown.

Such an interesting first post.  You seem to have a great deal of knowledge about cptsd and associated disorders and to have thought deeply about all of its ramifications.

My mother was, like you,  an unwanted second child, born to a mother who did not want children. I believe that she desperately wanted me but found that she was unable to bond with me. Maybe linked to long family history of mental illness.  Like you, I have no memory of her ever touching me and I don't believe she ever did. 

I too studied psychology at degree level,  always looking for answers.  I understand myself now but remain deeply troubled about myself in relation to society.  I worry also that society / the system will never accept the concept of cptsd because that would mean having to have compassion for people who don't conform.  It would mean having to offer better treatment for sufferers.  I have never received any (stigmatising)  diagnosis,  but the speed with which I am shut down by any gp I see,  whatever the issue,  suggests to me that they have a good idea of my difficulties.  So despite rarely troubling the NHS,  I am judged unworthy of attention.  I so wish that they had been more honest with me years ago.

I think you will find a group of people here who can actually be trusted and I think you will have a lot to offer others.

All the best,

Libby


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Knowunknown

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Re: New to the Forum; not to the Forest (or are those trees?)
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2018, 12:33:58 PM »
Thank you both for your warm welcome!  I am both appreciative and quite saddened that I'm not alone in this. 
 :doh:

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BeHea1thy

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Re: New to the Forum; not to the Forest (or are those trees?)
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2018, 06:02:52 AM »
Quote
.intellectualization has kept me from much of my healing as knowing is just not enough.  Experience.......argh!

Hello Knowunknown.

Welcome to our digital world where comfort, solace, empathy and understanding are offered freely.  I doubt you'll find a better place.

I noticed your comment and immediately recognized myself.  At first, bibliotherapy: Peter Walker, check, Bessel van der Kolk, check, Andrew Vachss check, co-dependency literature check, addiction literature check. Then therapy and groups. I've even put myself on therapy "fasts" where I didn't read anything which was self-improvement related!  :bigwink:

I wonder what would happen if you tried to identify fun and enjoyment? Would you like humor, and if so, what kind? Is there anything you have done already which gives you a smile or a moment of happiness?

Balancing the intellectualization with the opposite may give you experiences you are looking for.  :sunny:
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ~Lao Tzu~

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Fen Starshimmer

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Re: New to the Forum; not to the Forest (or are those trees?)
« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2018, 02:11:35 PM »
Hi KnownUnknown,

Welcome to the world of OOTS, where you can have meaningful kinds of conversation with people who understand.

You did really well to study psychology to masters level. Awesome!  :cheer: I would have loved to have studied psychology, but my parents discouraged further education assuming I was not academic, when really I was just very stressed and confused, and needed to get away from them! Then my life went in another direction.

Quote
My whole life has been seeking "the truth", and as I recall often drawing mazes as a youngster, I can see that this mind was already trapped and entranced (of course out of necessity) by understanding the incomprehensible family dynamics. 

I hope you find the truth you are seeking. I think you will, if you keep going, continue learning and developing. Slow and gentle is best in my experience, gentle on you  :)

Healing is the outcome of reversing longstanding patterns of self-alienation and building the capacity to love and accept our 'selves'.

Janina Fisher, Chapter 1
Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors