Reconnecting with FOO

[GettingThere]

I recently reached a point in my career where I missed doing good work that helps people. In university, I trained to be a teacher and I worked in that field for a few years and really enjoyed it. But I soon realized that if I ever want to have children and own a home, teaching would not bring in enough money to do so. So I decided to leave teaching, and for the last few months I`ve worked at the head office of a clothing retailer. The money was much better but I hated the feeling of participating in selling overpriced products to the few who could afford them. And the job didn`t provide health insurance.

For almost 50 years, my family has owned a business selling home health care products at affordable prices to people from all walks of life. Their business model is anchored in the belief that because we`re a family business, we treat all our employees like family. There are employees who are not family members who have been with the company for 40 years and are very happy there. The pay is more than fair and the company provides health insurance.

Last week, I reached a point in my job at the clothing retailer where my heart just wasn`t in it anymore. The job was starting to make me feel very depressed so I quit. I missed having a job where I felt like I was doing something that really helped people. So I decided to reach out to my mother, who I haven`t spoken to for two and a half years, and ask her for a job.

At first, I wrote her a letter explaining the situation and maintaining that I did not regret taking the time and space away from her to heal from my childhood trauma. In her reply, she apologized for being an abusive parent and for any harm she caused me in the past. That was the first time she had ever acknowledged any wrong doing on her part or apologized for how she treated me during my childhood. She also offered me a job which I have taken.

The job makes me feel secure because I`m now doing ethical work that helps people for a fair wage - a job experience I`ve never had before. My relationship with my mother is better than ever because I`m able to be emotionally authentic with her without fearing I`ll get shut down or invalidated, and the fact that we mostly talk about work related projects creates a type of safe distance. I  feel like I should be jumping for joy at how things have turned out, but because of my past experiences with my mother, I`m mostly just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts or advice about reconnecting with a parent who was abusive in childhood. Right now, I`m under the impression that my mother really has changed after not being able to speak with me for two and a half years, but I`m worried that I`ll eventually be disappointed.

[finallyfree]

Dear Gettingthere,
I think it's great that you were able to reconnect, state how you felt and not only were your feelings acknowledged but you also received an apology. That's a lot!!! I am happy for you!

I also understand your worrying that things will change and old patterns will emerge, that's a very valid concern. If I were you, I would just attempt to take things one day at a time with them. I hope your Mom has used the two years you were apart to reflect and perhaps she is now ready to do things differently regarding your relationship.

I hope this is the case and things work out for the best for you. You have my warmest regards and admiration for moving forward and attempting to repair the issues between you both.

Have a wonderful day!!!