Lack of self worth

Started by Sceal, July 15, 2018, 02:46:48 PM

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Sceal

The past year inparticular, my Lady L, have tried to make me explain why I have no sense of self worth, or rather why everyone else, and I mean everyone else has more worth than I. And how others are deserving of good things happening to them. I know this is connected with my traumas of being bullied for so many, many years as well as r* and SA by partner during my teenage years and adult life. But the idea it self had to start somewhere, right? And I think I know where it came from. It came from mom.

It's the second time my mom has told me that when I was young suddenly everychild were supposed to be praised for the things they did, and to get diplomas and medals for "just participating". She has forgotten that this is not quite true, I didn't get medals for things by just participating - perhaps this was more when my sister started growing up (she's 5 years younger). My mom wouldn't have anything of it, because she was terrified that we would become conceited and arrogant. So she didn't praise us, only whenever we did something exceeding expectations - while here's the problem. We were ordinary kids, we weren't above the average, so we rarely if ever exceeded any expectations. So, praise and compliments where few and far apart. And I think I translated that into the fact I'm simply not good enough. So it doesn't matter how much effort I put into anything, as long as it doesn't exceed expectations, I'm not worthy. So I don't deserve the good things, because I don't exceed. And when that was my foundation beneath being bullied and being manipulated, groomed and abused by people outside my family - it was a breeding ground for removing everything to do with self-worth.

I feel sad, hurt and neglected. I feel that my mother was more concerned about "protecting" me from being conceited than seeing what I needed as a child from her. She didn't see me, and she still doesn't. She struggles between acknowledging that I'm an adult with my own responsibilities and the fact that I might know more on a subject than her. So whenever I try to tell her that I know more than her on this subject, her voice gets more intense, louder and she shoots me down. Because I'm wrong, and she's right. And again, my opinions and knowledge doesn't account for anything.
I think this is also how I learned to not listen to compliments, they don't belong to me. When people give me compliments I translate it into they are lying. Because what they are saying simply are not true. I am not worthy of compliments. I can't feel their honesty and their earnest, I don't believe it's me they are talking about. I really don't. So the compliments just fall off me like raindrops on a heavy raincoat.

I suppose knowledge is the first step of fixing something, but this is something I don't know how to move forward with. How do I change the fundamental truth about my reality?

Deep Blue

Wow Sceal,
That is some deep and heavy analysis.  It saddens me when you say compliments don't belong to you. 

I give my son lots of praise.   He recently started playing sports.  He's not very good at the sport itself but I give him lots of praise for listening to the coach and following directions.  He's not competing so there is no winner or loser.  I don't think if I compliment him, it will lead to him being pigheaded.  I think there are a whole bunch of other factors that would lead to that.

It seems to me that your mom did you a disservice.  You needed to be nurtured and you instead you were taught you were not worthy.  I feel like pride would be an emotion you were denied.

I'm not sure how you change what you feel is a fundamental truth.

I'm going to give you a compliment.  If you would like to keep it, please do.  If it feels too scary to accept it, put it away for a bit but please don't throw it away. 

You have a special ability Sceal.  A few times on this forum I have needed a word, a hug, or validation.   Then I look.... and out of the blue... there you are.  You have given me kind words and comfort that I needed.  Thanks for your intuitive nature and for saying the things I needed deep down. 

Much love
Deep Blue


Blueberry

Sceal, my M was / is very similar. That plays havoc with our self-esteem when we're children. Sitting with you  :hug: :hug:

I have been through phases where I'm able to praise inner children or inner teens, which goes a way to healing, but I can't always. These messages from parents in childhood go deep.

sanmagic7

it was my dad, sceal, who expected perfection from me, and even when i got straight a's on my report card in 5th grade, and i expected some praise, it just didn't happen.  that stunned me.  what i did was to make myself believe that i was perfect, that everything i did as an adult deserved praise and compliments, and i ended up thinking nothing of them.

i've had to destroy this way of believing about myself from the top down, rather than build myself from the bottom up.  it's part of redefining who we are for ourselves.  we now, i believe, have the power to do that for ourselves. 

our parents didn't give us praise or compliments for their own reasons, but they were wrong not to give them to us.  because of that lack, we've built a distorted sense of ourselves, one that either shuns any good thing said to us, or, in my case, doesn't believe i can exist without those good things.  it's two sides of the same coin.

what's alike about us is that our self-image and self-worth got distorted, skewed, and bent out of their true shape.  what i've come to believe is that we really are good enough, and we all have extraordinary traits and characteristics that deserve to be acknowledged and praised.

one of yours that i see is your caring - even when you've been going thru some horrendously difficult times, you have always cared enough about others of us to give a little support, send a hug - something to let us know you care.  that's coming from a well of kindness within you - another extraordinary trait of yours.  with all you've been thru, many, many people would be bitter and/or envious.  (i know several).  you celebrate with us instead, and are genuinely happy when any of us has something positive to report.

just those two characteristics of yours, sweet sceal (and sweetness is another), are worth so much.  all i can do is thank you for being there for me so often in spite of what might be happening in your life.  i appreciate you so much - you're in my prayers nightly. 

if my saying this is rolling off like those raindrops, so be it.  i believe that in time, you'll be able to gather those raindrops in and drink them in, absorb them, feel the goodness of them.  you didn't deserve to be put up to such uneven standards.  you were always good enough and worthy of praise,  i'm just sorry your mom had a distorted view of it so that it affected you so negatively.

sending much love and a hug full of warmth and caring back to you.  i'm so glad you're in my life.

Sceal

I'm going away for a few days, and I'm noticing I don't have my mind present enough to reply to you all today. I hope I'll get back to you once I get back.

sanmagic7

i hope your time away is helpful, soothing, and brings you a bit of enjoyment.  sending love and hugs with you, sweet sceal.

Sceal

Quote from: Deep Blue on July 15, 2018, 05:56:48 PM
Wow Sceal,
That is some deep and heavy analysis.  It saddens me when you say compliments don't belong to you. 

I give my son lots of praise.   He recently started playing sports.  He's not very good at the sport itself but I give him lots of praise for listening to the coach and following directions.  He's not competing so there is no winner or loser.  I don't think if I compliment him, it will lead to him being pigheaded.  I think there are a whole bunch of other factors that would lead to that.

It seems to me that your mom did you a disservice.  You needed to be nurtured and you instead you were taught you were not worthy.  I feel like pride would be an emotion you were denied.

I'm not sure how you change what you feel is a fundamental truth.

I'm going to give you a compliment.  If you would like to keep it, please do.  If it feels too scary to accept it, put it away for a bit but please don't throw it away. 

You have a special ability Sceal.  A few times on this forum I have needed a word, a hug, or validation.   Then I look.... and out of the blue... there you are.  You have given me kind words and comfort that I needed.  Thanks for your intuitive nature and for saying the things I needed deep down. 

Much love
Deep Blue

Dear Deep Blue,
Thank you so deeply for your thoughts and kindness, and for sharing with me.

I think it is wonderful that you are praising your son for trying, and for listening to his coaches. I hope his coaches will take him further and will see him as well. Role-models are so important. (And you are one for me at times, your kindness. The time, effort and wholeheartedness that you put into your replies to me and to others. Thank you.)

My mom did do me a disservice, I agree. But I don't blame her for what everyone else did, she's not at fault for that.

I will try to carry your compliment with me, and I hope that I will remember it - even if I am not yet at a place where I can truly believe you - I do hope that I one day will. And I'm flattered at the viewpoint that you have of me. Sometimes I feel I say "Thank you" too much, but sometimes it's the only thing I can say. Because I'm truly grateful.

Lots of warmth and hugs!
Sceal

Sceal

Quote from: Blueberry on July 15, 2018, 06:22:51 PM
Sceal, my M was / is very similar. That plays havoc with our self-esteem when we're children. Sitting with you  :hug: :hug:

I have been through phases where I'm able to praise inner children or inner teens, which goes a way to healing, but I can't always. These messages from parents in childhood go deep.

I agree, it did play havoc on my self-esteem. I remember being in primary school looking at a card my teacher had put up. A card with christian values saying that everyone is born equal, and everyone is unique, and everyone is worth it. And thinking "That sounds nice, but I'm not part of 'everyone'". It's kind of sad. But there it is, it did still happen.

I don't think I am able to see my inner children as clearly as some here on the forum does. My Lady T sometimes asks me if everyone inside me agree, or if they feel the same. I get puzzled everytime she asks those kinds of questions, but I never object. So I suspect I do feel there's something to that concept for me as well.  But working with them, for them, is not something I'm able to do - when I cannot see them.
I am happy to hear though, that you've been able to work with your inner yous, and that it has lead to healing for you. I hope that one day you'll be able to heal the last bits too, the ones you haven't been able to heal yet.


Sceal

Deep Blue and Blueberry, I've replied to your posts too each in individual posts (incase you didn't see them) :)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 15, 2018, 11:14:58 PM
it was my dad, sceal, who expected perfection from me, and even when i got straight a's on my report card in 5th grade, and i expected some praise, it just didn't happen.  that stunned me.  what i did was to make myself believe that i was perfect, that everything i did as an adult deserved praise and compliments, and i ended up thinking nothing of them.

i've had to destroy this way of believing about myself from the top down, rather than build myself from the bottom up.  it's part of redefining who we are for ourselves.  we now, i believe, have the power to do that for ourselves. 

our parents didn't give us praise or compliments for their own reasons, but they were wrong not to give them to us.  because of that lack, we've built a distorted sense of ourselves, one that either shuns any good thing said to us, or, in my case, doesn't believe i can exist without those good things.  it's two sides of the same coin.

what's alike about us is that our self-image and self-worth got distorted, skewed, and bent out of their true shape.  what i've come to believe is that we really are good enough, and we all have extraordinary traits and characteristics that deserve to be acknowledged and praised.

one of yours that i see is your caring - even when you've been going thru some horrendously difficult times, you have always cared enough about others of us to give a little support, send a hug - something to let us know you care.  that's coming from a well of kindness within you - another extraordinary trait of yours.  with all you've been thru, many, many people would be bitter and/or envious.  (i know several).  you celebrate with us instead, and are genuinely happy when any of us has something positive to report.

just those two characteristics of yours, sweet sceal (and sweetness is another), are worth so much.  all i can do is thank you for being there for me so often in spite of what might be happening in your life.  i appreciate you so much - you're in my prayers nightly. 

if my saying this is rolling off like those raindrops, so be it.  i believe that in time, you'll be able to gather those raindrops in and drink them in, absorb them, feel the goodness of them.  you didn't deserve to be put up to such uneven standards.  you were always good enough and worthy of praise,  i'm just sorry your mom had a distorted view of it so that it affected you so negatively.

sending much love and a hug full of warmth and caring back to you.  i'm so glad you're in my life.

Did your dad tell you he expected perfection of you? Or was it more that nothing was ever good enough?  I am so sorry you had to struggle with feeling that you weren't perfect enough as a child.  Children aren't perfect, that's what's so wonderful about them. They are still learning.

My parents never said I wasn't good enough, and they never said I needed top grades. They never told me their expectations, but I made them up for them. I had to be what we call here "skilled missy syndome" (I just made that up, because it seems there's no translation). Which means, usually a girl, who always strives to be perfect and to please everyone at the cost of herself and her own integrity. She can become quite accomplished, but she's rarely if ever happy. Quite anxious to be honest. It's not really a diagnosis or anything, it's more of a social concept. I couldn't bear dissapointments, I never learned how to deal with them. So it was better to be skillful at things. And if I didn't, hide it.

Each generation has a "new" better way of rearing children. in the 80ies and the 90ies the worst thing you could be was conceited. So I do understand my mother's fear, she didn't want me to become a social outcast. I just wish she'd gone about it differently.

I do care, that's true. But it often backfires on me, because I care too much. And in most cases I can't truly show it. Everyones burdens become my burden, because I care so much and I want to do everything I can to help - and sometimes I don't care what it'll cost me. Because more often than not caring carries a deep cost. At least that is my experience. And I wish, I wish so deeply that I could let others care for me too. I let my parents care for me, to an extent. I ask them for help when I need it, practically and financially, and sometimes as de-stressifying. But not emotionally.

I hope you're right, that in time I'll gather those raindrops.

Deep Blue

 :hug: :hug: to you Sceal,
It's nice to have support systems here on the forum.  You are one of those pillars for me here.  Thanks for being you.  :hug: