I feel myself shifting

[lyricalliv13]

I don't think I'm "cured" or "done" yet, but I feel something shifting in me. And it's affecting every area of my life in such a positive way and I really wanted to share

I think it might be because I've just finally decided to give myself permission to just...exist. My therapist brought me to tears last session when she told me that all I wanted in my life was love. I wanted my mom to love me, and I want to love other people but sometimes it's hard to let other people love me. It was like she read my mind. And I've been making decisions that have everything to do with that.

Firstly, I finally confronted my mom. It was something I'd wanted to do for a while. I told her how I felt, openly and honestly. It was surprising because instead of anger I basically just told her how much I loved her, how much damage she's done and how much it hurts to still love her anyways. I didn't skirt around anything. I said everything, but in a non-toxic, honest way. She left me on read and it killed me for a while, and then I kind of realized - my mother doesn't love me. If she did she would care. And I think I'm coming to terms with that. I think the small part of me that still wanted some kind of validation from her is slowly fading away. There's still some anger left but I'm confident I'm going to work that out

And then I've been giving myself permission to have my own back. I don't let myself chastise myself all the time. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past but I don't beat myself up about it anymore. I don't crucify myself when I make a mistake because that doesn't lead to change. I just accept it, claim responsibility, and work to change. Which feels so good. It's something I used to not know how to do. So all in all I've got this self compassion thing going on.

And BECAUSE of that self compassion thing, I'm finding it easier to love other people. And I have this really healthy, genuine relationship with this wonderful guy that's so different from the ones I've had in the past. It feels real. I'm not defined by it, I don't depend on it - it's just real and there. Yesterday we had our first kiss and it just kind of happened and it hit me (again) that I'm really in a *healthy* relationship DESPITE EVERYTHING I've been through.

Despite everything, I'm making the right choices. Despite everything I used to be I made the choice to change and I'll never stop. Despite everything that happened to me I have healthy relationships and I still care about other people. And despite everything this woman told me, despite everything she did to me, I didn't let it define me. She did a lot of damage but I've been so strong, and so resilient, and even though it seemed for the longest time that it would define who I am I'm here right now loving myself and taking care of myself, and healing day by day. I'm so thrilled because little me was DEFINED by her, but I grew up and now I'm defining myself and there's a kind of freedom in that and it makes me tear up just thinking about it.

This shift has affected everything. Not just my choices in relationships. I've been keeping my living space clean and organized. I've been getting more into things that I'm passionate about. I've been WRITING, finally. I've been taking care of myself more... I know that happiness isn't a static thing and these kinds of changes you have to stick to and keep fighting for. But I'm getting there. I feel myself getting there. After everything there's a light at the end of the tunnel and one day, I'm gonna hear a door slam or see someone who looks like her and it's not even going to phase me. I'm changing THIS MUCH and I'm not even done with high school yet. I'm gonna make it.

Oh my god, I'm gonna make it

[Kalmer]

Thanks for sharing such an inspiring post. Your story made me tear up a bit too.

I'm so thrilled because little me was DEFINED by her, but I grew up and now I'm defining myself and there's a kind of freedom in that and it makes me tear up just thinking about it.

That is wonderful - well done for making so much progress.

[Blueberry]

  lyricalliv!

[sanmagic7]

honey, that's the best.  it made my day to read this.  i'm so happy for you.

a little sadness there as well about your mom, but mostly i'm so very freakin' glad that you're feeling like this, that you're letting go of neg. self-talk and taking care of yourself and your surroundings better.  what a gift you have given us.  thank you so much for sharing this.

one word of caution - the nature of this beast too often means that we will have low days as well.  i hope you remember that and know it doesn't mean you've gone all the way back to where you were or that you've failed in any way.   it just is part of the process of recovering your 'self' and of healing your wounds. 

in the meantime, you sound so strong, so determined, and so happy right now that it's lovely to read this.  i have no doubt at all that you're going to make it, that everything will continue to become easier, more manageable, and you'll just be able to enjoy your life more on many levels.  good for you.  sending love and hugs your way.  you deserve all the good you get.