Starting a new journal.
Today has been tiring. I have emailed six therapists in my area, had a phone assessment and subsequent rejection for short-term counselling, and redirected back to doctor. Obviously :thumbup:
What do I want? Peace
When do I want it? Um... now?
Have some aches and pains, physical symptoms maybe. Cognition has been foggy. Couldn't quite see earlier. Managed to get some work done though!
Phone assessor said, what is one word to describe your mum when you were younger? I said 'depressed'. And the word to describe my dad was 'drunk'.
Have cancelled plans tonight. Need to rest.
Those two words "depressed" and "drunk" say an awful lot. Hope you get good rest tonight.
Quote from: notalone on November 01, 2019, 07:28:38 PM
Those two words "depressed" and "drunk" say an awful lot. Hope you get good rest tonight.
...indeed.
Thank you
notalone. I put on some relaxing music and made a lovely warming stew, feel tonnes better. I'm fighting off guilt about not going out of the house today by reminding myself that tomorrow I will be walking thousands of steps at work and managing a team of staff :bigwink:
Sometimes (when I can see straight) I think I'm pretty incredible. Resilient and that.
Super glad that, althought the symptoms are very strong at times, life in general does seem more settled these days. Want to do what I can to find increasing sense of peace and security.
This is the first time I've lived somewhere for more than a year in a long time.
I dream of autumn fires
Where the only colour I feel is
Deep burned orange
Where the only sounds I hear are
Cat purr, dog snore and log crackle
I dream of my husband's words
As he adores me eternally
Each night in his arms
Under a sky of stars that smiles
Happy at the peace we have found
I dream of small worlds
In my arms that I keep safe
And the sounds of my children laughing
When we wrap them in warm bath towels
After bubblebath punk hair antics
I dream of walking in my garden
To deadhead the roses
Another summer behind us
Pink twilight an hour backwards
Looking into my house of love
Quote from: Sasha on November 01, 2019, 07:55:21 PM
Quote from: notalone on November 01, 2019, 07:28:38 PM
Those two words "depressed" and "drunk" say an awful lot. Hope you get good rest tonight.
...indeed.
Thank you notalone. I put on some relaxing music and made a lovely warming stew, feel tonnes better. I'm fighting off guilt about not going out of the house today by reminding myself that tomorrow I will be walking thousands of steps at work and managing a team of staff :bigwink:
Sometimes (when I can see straight) I think I'm pretty incredible. Resilient and that.
Super glad that, althought the symptoms are very strong at times, life in general does seem more settled these days. Want to do what I can to find increasing sense of peace and security.
This is the first time I've lived somewhere for more than a year in a long time.
Your post's positivity really radiates with me. I know how hard it can be to fight that guilt. I'm rooting for you and your tomorrow endeavours!
Thanks Perplex.
I really want to feel connected. Feel very lost and spaced out at the moment. Depressed.
Lots going on. Also not a lot going on. If you get me. The lots going on is my head. The not a lot going on is what I'm doing with my life.
Feel stuck. Empty.
Have private therapist intro today.
They said they recognise my name from local stuff so first need to work out if we can work together.
Also they just changed the time which I can adapt to but I don't feel confident about it.
Trying to manage my expectations. Felt so happy when they got in touch with a time. Now feel pessimistic about the whole thing.
Plus I can't really afford it.
Nothing is ever simple. Really wanted to swear then. Feel angry!
I understand the pain, Sasha. Especially the thinking part. The world around could be so peaceful yet our inner minds in such turmoil. It happens like that sometimes... But I think you'll be able to manage it all! Just one step at a time.
Thanks for the understanding Perplex :hug:
Therapy intro went well I think. I felt nervous, definitely worried that they wouldn't like me, or wouldn't want to work with me. However I felt empathy from them. I noticed how frightened and helpless I felt, and I imagine they perceived that. I had to stop myself from just blurting everything out and fought back tears. It's been five years I've been working on this alone. The idea of a space to speak about my inner world, memories, symptoms... I just can't explain how right that feels. The relief at the idea of placing it somewhere and with someone specific. An assessment session has been scheduled for next week.
I've been feeling so alone. Changes to my partners schedule are difficult for me to cope with right now. Gone from present and living together, to not living together and a lot of new work commitments. Last night I cried a lot and was comforted. Have been writing the whole relationship off in my head due to not coping well with the sudden distance, due to circumstance and also him being more tired and sometimes moody. Have been going into eggshell-treading mode and I struggle to voice up in a way that could be helpful. I hope that he can notice more and manage his own behaviour. I don't have the strength to tell someone what to do, or how to treat me.
Last night I thought that I crave the feeling that I am the centre of someone's world. That they can't 'put me down' or won't even leave me. Inner child cravings, from very young to older. I think there was a long time that I felt 'left' and alone. I understand that this isn't healthy adult thinking.
I told him and he gave me so many hugs and stroked my hair and I felt bonded again, and it just feels so amazing, like I've never felt love before. Our skin touching when I'm connected is like new worlds exploding in my mind. I told him that I wish that for one day he could feel what I feel, and have the memories that I have, and that I feel like a tree that is all leaves but no roots.
I've spent so long feeling alone. Even in previous romantic relationships, I think I've been alone in my head and in my inner world.
QuoteI told him that I wish that for one day he could feel what I feel, and have the memories that I have, and that I feel like a tree that is all leaves but no roots.
What an eloquent depiction! I hope you're feeling better, Sasha.
Thanks Perplex. It does feel apt.
After connecting again two days ago, today I was numb and flighty again, finding it difficult to connect again with partner. I 'blocked him out' for the first part of seeing each other.
And then I said to my parts that could t believe his existence, that denied I could have something here and now that is true and consistent and loving, and the parts that live in the sad neglectful lonely past...
I said: Look at him. Put down your book. Look at him, and notice his hair and his body and the way he moves, in your house. He is here.
It has been an eventful 24 hours.
I went out last night and felt totally spaced out - and then fully detached, dissociated what have you, in a pub where I normally feel comfy.
I struggled to ground. Got home and shut down, 'tidying' but actually just shut down. Overwhelmed. Lay down to sleep and suicidal thoughts and half dreams of self harm freaked me out. Got up and told partner. Was honest. Wasn't sure what to do. Considered A&E as felt so bad. So tired. So bad and like my brain was just melting. We talked for a long time and I drank herb tea. Felt calmer. Decided to go to bed and get urgent DRs appt next day.
Cuddled and talked this morning. Partner has more awareness after my honesty. Started off relatively stable today but a trigger sent me into frozen mess, couldn't move, slow, couldn't speak. Very strong symptoms atm.
Partner helped me a lot throughout today. I incredibly managed to attend a job interview. Have no idea how I did. Just amazed I even got there and gave it a go.
Had DRs and spoke with very nice person who was understanding. I went to request psychiatric assessment, as have not been diagnosed with PTSD and have read guidelines that say PTSD sufferers should not be treated with non-trauma specific options. She totally got it and has referred me to the in-house psyc team for assessment for PTSD.
Partner came with me to docs. Felt so supported today.
Absolutely. Exhausted. :spooked:
I'm glad you've taken some healthy, beneficial steps! That's huge! :cheer:
One thing I might add is that ptsd is much different than cptsd. I know you're exhausted at the moment but here's an article to save for later - https://www.talkspace.com/blog/complex-ptsd-versus-standard-ptsd/
And some printable info for any upcoming appointments https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads
I know that's a lot so I'll quit :bigwink: take care and if you can I'm interested in updates.
Its great that your partner was such a support for you today, and all the things you got accomplished. I hope you get some good rest to help you feel better soon.
Take care! :)
I'm sorry you've been having a rough time, but well done for going to the DRs, and I'm glad your partner was so supportive. I hope your assessment goes well.
Thanks so much for all your comments and support.
Absolutely amazing news today. I've got the job! It's one that I really want, it's part time and doing the thing that I love the most in a position that is really good for this point in my career.
I just feel so grateful. Yesterday when I went to the job interview in a very triggered state I decided that at least I could be proud of trying my best despite difficult circumstances. I also felt like there was a "realness" to how I was at that point, maybe a little bit quieter and less chatty, but also quite calm. I wondered whether that might actually come across nicely. Seems like it did.
I suppose this outcome, combined with what felt like a hug from an NHS doctor yesterday and my partner being so incredibly supportive has just made me feel like the future is just going to get better and better. I know we've all experienced such atrocity and adversity but I am amazed by my own resilience and the resilience of the people that I speak to you on here.
This forum is so special to me. Thank you.
Quote from: Three Roses on November 08, 2019, 12:30:14 AM
I'm glad you've taken some healthy, beneficial steps! That's huge! :cheer:
One thing I might add is that ptsd is much different than cptsd. I know you're exhausted at the moment but here's an article to save for later - https://www.talkspace.com/blog/complex-ptsd-versus-standard-ptsd/
And some printable info for any upcoming appointments https://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads
I know that's a lot so I'll quit :bigwink: take care and if you can I'm interested in updates.
Hey Three Roses
Thanks so much for sharing this. I am aware of some major differences, especially the impact on one's formation of their personality, and these guides you've sent will be useful, no doubt, as I start to talk more with professionals about this.
Right now I am following the basic PTSD route because of the guidelines published by NICE that clearly state that PTSD sufferers should not be given medication and non-– PTSD or trauma based therapy options as a first a routine response.
https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng116/chapter/recommendations#access-to-care
This is what keeps happening to me so I'm going to push back using the official line for now, and then will explore the nuance of complex PTSD in more detail as this progresses. I believe that my symptoms for quite clearly into PTSD diagnosis anyway, due to flashbacks and triggers, and it's been interesting to see what the PTSD UK organisation have to say, as they subcategorise PTSD in different ways.
https://www.ptsduk.org/what-is-ptsd/c-ptsd-pdsd-and-type-2-ptsd-explained/
Right now I don't know what language is being used in the NHS or by the professional I am being arranged speak to you so I will present to them what is going on and take it from there.
You got the job? Hooray! That's brilliant news, well done you!
:fireworks:
Awww yeah! I did get the job. It’s a big deal! Thanks so much :grouphug:
Have so many emotions... very happy ones. It’s weird after being low recently. Don’t quite know what to do with myself?!
So have decided to listen to music and cook xx
Congratulations on your new job! :applause:
Congrats! :cheer:
Thank you notalone and Three Roses
Despite the good news I feel a little frustrated. My emotional range is just a bit wonky at the moment. In the past I would have jumped from very down to very up at the good news, and probably would have blindsided a rough emotional state by replacing it with the extreme high of going out, drinking and socialising. However, due to a hectic rollercoaster month and hard week, I still feel frazzled from experiencing such a load of hard physical and mental symptoms, including difficult memories and sensations. For five years I have been unearthing, bit by bit, the adversity of my childhood. The tough bit now, as I continue to work on all of this, is realising the absolute enormity and volume of it (0-18+ years) and also that I have recently experienced additional trauma due to my family circumstances.
So today I want to celebrate the self compassion and awareness that I have developed. I have got this job during a very difficult period, and I am aware that I am still having a tricky time. I can feel it, as last night after getting the news I felt jittery and quite 'un-real', which has been happening a lot recently. Later I had an anxiety attack, which is such a shame after getting great news, but I'm really trying not to get down about it. Getting the job is going to be great in so many ways, however I really need to take care of myself at the moment. I need to rest a lot, and I need to be gentle.
I suppose self-awareness is a quieter type of success. To celebrate I am going to focus on self-care as my number one priority. I want to be stable, and I want peace and security, therefore I am going to try to hone in on the elements in life that bring this to me. Job is looking good, so now I can try my best keep focus on the other areas of my life that need addressing. Step by step.
I feel like this is a big step for me, in the way I am looking at things.
I was thinking of going out at lunchtime and finding some lovely smelling bubblebath, maybe some massage oil and a scented candle. Also possibly a piece of fluffy clothing! I would love to find new ways to celebrate success that are safe, stable, secure, peaceful, caring, gentle and restorative. If anyone has ideas, I would love to hear them.
Your thoughts on self-awareness and self-care sound great. I think they are significant steps.
A couple of weeks ago I treated myself to a new throw from the teddy bear range at Dunelm. It's the cosiest thing ever, and being wrapped up in it is like getting an extra special hug :bighug:.
Quote from: Sasha on November 09, 2019, 12:42:41 PM
So today I want to celebrate the self compassion and awareness that I have developed. ..... Getting the job is going to be great in so many ways, however I really need to take care of myself at the moment. I need to rest a lot, and I need to be gentle.
I suppose self-awareness is a quieter type of success. To celebrate I am going to focus on self-care as my number one priority. I want to be stable, and I want peace and security, therefore I am going to try to hone in on the elements in life that bring this to me. Job is looking good, so now I can try my best keep focus on the other areas of my life that need addressing. Step by step.
I feel like this is a big step for me, in the way I am looking at things.
I was thinking of going out at lunchtime and finding some lovely smelling bubblebath, maybe some massage oil and a scented candle. Also possibly a piece of fluffy clothing! I would love to find new ways to celebrate success that are safe, stable, secure, peaceful, caring, gentle and restorative. If anyone has ideas, I would love to hear them.
Great that you are focusing on self-care and self-nurturing. I recently bought myself two pairs of sweat pants. It sounds like a minor thing, but it really was a big deal to me to be able to care for myself by wearing comfortable and nurturing clothing.
The ideas that you listed to buy to help you celebrate sound like great ideas. Do you have a soft, comfy blanket?
Comfy clothes and soft blankets.... mmmmmm.... I love those things so much <3 Have a number of lovely comforting things, including my favourite blanket that I call Big Red. That blanket is always there for me!
Both of your comments helped me to feel more accepting of looking at celebration in a different way. I'm going to keep working on this.
Yesterday I did a fair bit of writing, which really helped.
Today I feel better than I have done in a while. Relaxed and fairly happy. Less anxiety. What a relief.
I have been reading The Secret Garden on and off for about a year. I love the themes inside it and feel like it was written for me. I definitely recommend this book for comfortable reading, with gems of beauty and meaning.
I'm glad you're feeling better. I love The Secret Garden.
The job news is settling in. Lots to think about as it a position of responsibility during a time of organisational change. And I'm excited. I love my work and want to help bring about positive change for this org as best as I can.
I think I'm going to tell them about my PTSD from the offset. I will explain that I attended my job interview on a rough day, so I can and will often be functional despite symptoms. I want to let them know because I am there to influence positive change in the organisation, so for me it is important to find out more about their current occupational wellbeing and support system, and to see what might need improving.
I've used Mind's Wellness Action Plan in the workplace before, where I disclosed to my manager and provided examples of how my workplace could help. We developed a plan together and it showed me how supportive managers and workplaces can be. It helped me a lot, as I felt more able to come in on rough days, to do what I could. I was praised for persevering and in turn it actually often helped me through difficult patches. I still work as a consultant with this org so it didn't dampen their view of me at all. Inspiring, no?!
Here is a link in case anyone might find it useful
https://www.mind.org.uk/workplace/mental-health-at-work/taking-care-of-your-staff/employer-resources/wellness-action-plan-download/
Quote from: Sasha on November 10, 2019, 02:10:14 PM
Today I feel better than I have done in a while. Relaxed and fairly happy. Less anxiety. What a relief.
I have been reading The Secret Garden on and off for about a year. I love the themes inside it and feel like it was written for me. I definitely recommend this book for comfortable reading, with gems of beauty and meaning.
So glad you are feeling better and also finding nurturing ways to celebrate your new job.
I love "The Secret Garden" also.
Trust.
That's what has been affected.
I trust people easily when my instincts tell me it is safe to do so.
However it is fragile. Small incidents that have triggered me have damaged the trust I felt.
I don't feel relaxed anymore. I am doing the abandonment tango with myself. Everything with this person feels tainted.
When sorry has been said, when weeks have passed, how can trust be rebuilt?
Maybe they could do more. Maybe they will if I tell them this.
I'm scared that saying my trust has been affected will be used against me, and past partners spring to mind ... "you have trust issues".... yes, I do, but only when something has frightened me.
An incident a couple of weeks ago frightened me.
How do we rebuild?
Sasha, you wondered: "How do we rebuild?"
I've looked long and hard at this, and every time I thought I'd figured it out, it often collapsed again. The 'whys' are easier than the 'hows'. The words (resiliency, faith, love, etc.) also come easier than the doing parts associated with those values.
From my own experience, I've often wondered why I ever tried trusting again. The long answer involves thinking circumstances were different the next time I encountered a trust situation. Often they were, but my willingness to trust was turned against me so often I had to wonder if I was maybe gullible or what was the matter.
The only word that stuck from the values I wanted was discernment; beyond the word, though, I still needed to develop better discernment. This meant working with my inner notions of what was right for my whole being -- body, mind, heart, soul, spirit. It still isn't foolproof, but it helps to acknowledge and honour this aspect of learning when it seems safe to trustor . Perhaps that involves more unlearning, or just better boundaries, I don't know. So much of this is like trying to find a foothold in the dark. :stars:
So I guess the basic trust I need is trusting myself, and not being so easily pressured into situations and/or people I only thought I could trust. Deep down wanted so bad to finally trust while ignoring the signals (discernment) that all was not well. It's like so much else -- it's tiring; why can't I just trust? On top of that, it's bitterly disappointing. Yet here we are -- still looking, survivors writing our own handbook for the next direction to take.
Sorry I stepped into your journal like this, Sasha; you obviously touched a nerve of mine that rides close to the surface. I hope your journey and wonder about trust can somehow mellow to where these tricky trust issues are at least tolerable. :hug:
Thank you for chiming in woodsgnome. Your words were confusing to me at first but reading them again I think I get more of what your saying.
I have been crying a lot the past two weeks. Speaking with a friend last night I felt so sad in front of her, which was revealing to me, as she is someone I can truly feel how I need to feel with as I feel so incredibly safe with her. We talked about the sadness I have been feeling about my relationship changing, and recent disappointments that have weighed heavily on me. We explored a spectrum of possibilities - end it? just do my own thing? ... (which feels to me like ending it tbh)... I kept coming back to absolute feelings of sadness. Despite knowing that my partner has been trying very hard, and clearly cares, it seems a few key incidents really rocked me during a period when I have been having a bloody hard time! That sadness is possibly about hardship and life pain.
I had an 'assessment' for PTSD that turned out to be total rubbish... a 15 minute chat with someone who talked over me, scoffed at the idea of me having an assessment, and suggested I had a personality disorder (despite not listening and not assessing me). I felt humiliated and hugely deeply bereft at this experience. I built up to this so much, thinking it would lead to treatment options, and felt very nervous about the disclosure I was expecting to go through and full of anticipation.
My partner forgot about this appointment and the night before he was moody and tired. I felt so alone. The morning of it he drove like a lunatic not wanting us to be late, and it scared me. After the appointment he didn't pick me up like he said he would. I walked home crying and got into bed. For the first time since knowing him I absolutely did not want to see him. I felt so 'left', as well as feeling distraught at the disappointment and futility of the appointment.
This followed an incident a few days before where he had been frustrated in the middle of a task and dropped something large in anger that smashed closed to me. The smashing and the stressful emotions triggered me and I spent 2 days feeling very bad, confused and angry that he had done this, especially as I thought he knew how much things like this can mess me up. He said sorry and that he was angry with himself for this happening, and that he didn't mean to scare me. I struggled with this but it felt suitable to forgive him. I cried a lot due to how much pain the whole incident brought up for me. For two days afterwards I had a trigger hangover with more physical symptoms, difficulty concentrating and some more.
So the doctor disappointment came after this. And since then it has just been one thing after another. My head has been going "go away, leave me alone, I don't want to see you" and I have had flashbacks of my mother a few times when he has tried to be close and comforting, of when she would hurt me and then try to comfort me later, when I was crying in bed, or feeling very scared. I found this disorienting and confusing as a child and have been feeling this way as of recent. It is a newer flashback for me.
I can articulate this now but I do find that when things are tricky sometimes I can't think let alone write. I really lost my own comforting helpful guiding voice during this time, which felt frightening. I have felt very alone and scared for the past two weeks.
Speaking to my friend last night, and my brother who was very helpful, I feel like I have established a few things.
It seems that both my partner and I have been experiencing a lot of stress. He has a very demanding job, long hours that demand his full attention and a lot of responsibility. He has an unwell relative who he is worried about, and also has a constant painful health condition. I feel very bad writing this as he really is having an ongoing tough time that I don't know what I can do to support. Perhaps this is something I need to think about more. I also think he has been very worried about me as I have not been feeling great recently. Perhaps a vicious cycle is going on between us?
The relationship has become a bit of an emotional dumping ground, as I have been struggling to access any therapeutic support (not for lack of trying!!!). I have been feeling like I need him for this recently and I have felt saddened at feeling like I suddenly don't have his support, affection or care. It has been devastating, to be honest. I have cried so much. However, through speaking With trusted loved one, I realise that I can help myself distributing the load by talking to friends (I'm going to see my friend again tonight), doing more things that I enjoy, getting back to myself again.
My partner and I talked the other day a lot and I felt it best if we see each other less at the moment, focussing on quality time and not quantity. This is a big change as we didn't stop seeing each other after we met, so the changes have felt like loss to me, however if I focus on looking after myself more at the moment hopefully I will find some strength and resilience, the capacity to support him again.
Sasha,
You have been going through so much. Glad you are reaching out to a friend.
I feel angry at the person who did the assessment for not listening to you. That person should have acted in a way that made you feel heard, not humiliated.
Sorry it's so hard right now.
Thanks to everyone who has commented on my journal and been very supportive. It is incredibly kind and I am sorry I am not more giving on this forum. I hope there is a flip point where I can give more.
Sometimes I don't write for a while because things are ticking along, and sometimes I don't write because things are too difficult to put it down. I am wondering what it is that makes me get the urge to write on here. I suppose it likely changes, however I do know that I often cannot find resources and discourses that explore the nuances of trauma at the hand of family and major people in ones life.
A few days ago me and other members of my family were criticised for 'not supporting' my brother who has been violent to three of my FOO, including me. This came in the form of being uninvited to a very close friend's wedding, as their family is now supporting him after he was forced by the police to leave my mums house, after he assaulted her. He turned up hundred of miles away at the friends family home and they took him in, against our advice. We were very concerned as had asked the police to take him in when he next surfaced, however the family did not want that.
I know the lengths that I personally have gone to try and support this person, and I did represent myself and my mum in response to this criticism and to being uninvited, as well as wishing my old friend the best. I appreciate that the family are helping him and I think he is very lucky to have them. They say is making progress with them by engaging with doctors, something he would not entertain when mentioned by me, and they don't want me being there to undo this. They also said there is animosity because they are supporting him like a son, where his biological family are not. I explained that I no longer know how to support him and can't be involved with someone who is consistently and seriously violent towards me. The friend understood and we agreed that it is a very difficult situation.
I cried so much afterwards, feeling that I have already lost my brother and am now losing my oldest friends and their family, who have also been like family to me. I felt uncomfortable imagining them and other close friends together at Christmas, talking about the decision to uninvite me.
From what I understand my brother absolutely hates me. I have realised in the last few days that I am processing and recovering from two different periods in my life, and relating to two different, albeit related, sets of events. One of these is my childhood trauma in the family home, and one is the more recent trauma of my brother being violent towards me adulthood.
I started seeing a therapist at the end of last year. We had a few sessions however she has had to stop seeing me for 6 weeks due to family bereavement. Maybe when I go back I should talk to her about my brother. My CPTSD has been extremely bad, morbidly fearful, panic filled and jumpy since incidents with my brother over the last few years.
Could it be that I have both CPTSD and PTSD, from these more recents attacks?
Wipe out days.
You know. When you’ve been triggered
And boom
It rolls on.
Plans fall apart
Tears fall more and again and
Breathing is still or jagged
All of the spectrum is experienced
Words are lost
Words are found
Words are tumbling
Time is lost.
A friend is frustrated
Trying to help
But I can’t meet their eyes
Nor the world right now
Outdoors is a strange place
Full of possibilities I can’t engage
And the light
Hurts my eyes
I can relate to your words so much. :hug:
I missed your earlier post. It sounds awful. I hope you're able to see your therapist again soon, if you're not already. :hug:
Sasha, I understand and can really relate to your feelings, so beautifully expressed. You are not alone. I hope you can rest a bit, the trigger passes and there is some reprieve. It's hard to feel like we need to or want to care for others who are trying to care for us, when for me, I could barely tell what I needed at all in those moments. Everything shuts down and it's not our fault. It's the way we learned to cope, to get through.
I missed your earlier post as well and want to say, It takes great strength to choose your well-being, in stepping away from an abusive relationship, over the pain of losing loved ones. Perhaps if your B can find some help with this other family, there will be room for repair for all of you down the road.
:hug:
Hi all.
I have started seeing a good therapist. I feel like we are making progress however am finding it very difficult this week following a deep session after intense triggering earlier that day.
We are going into all areas and I feel comfortable with this, but compared to how I normally handle being triggered and dissociation, this time I feel intensely confused, and am struggling with intensity of emotion, intensity of dissociation and some very disorienting internal conflicts.
My therapist is telling me I need to experience the unresolved feelings from my childhood. Not fix them, not escape them, but feel them. They have said that I deserved better and that it is sad that I spent so long learning that my feelings didn't matter, with my space and world being invaded all the time. I agree with all of this and I feel acknowledged.
During this period of symptoms I am struggling to understand 'what to do'. As if given permission, I am definitely staying with my feelings more than usual, which is incredibly uncomfortable. I feel tired, depressed, confused and have been upset for days.
I am trying to communicate with my partner, however this is a huge struggle. My partner feels worried that I am annoyed at what they are doing and not doing, whereas more than anything I feel scared and am frightened to need help, to want help and to be let down. We have talked about this.
Today I thought that dissociation is accompanied with (or maybe just is) a type of regression. Where I was forced to look after myself and others so young, I have a strong head on my shoulders. With dissociation I lose my internal voice that parents me and tells me how to problem solve. This terrifies me, and I have to rest and wait til I can problem solve again, and help myself feel a bit better, regaining my internal parent voice.
This is confusing with my partner. When they offer help I feel fear and anticipate rejection, probably because I was not offered help by the people around me. It is confusing. To accept help makes me vulnerable, and I also don't know what help I need, so am unable to guide.. it's very hit and miss and although we are learning my partner often feels useless and criticised.
I feel super frightened because the help I crave is a lot more regressive than I care to admit. I crave someone to make safe choices for me, to help me be warm, make me food, give me water and maybe wipe my tears or help me in very basic ways. This is when I am so dissociated that I am twitching, staring into nothing, unable to speak, silent tears. This has been on and off for 3 days as I write this.
I do tend so say I should be alone, not because this is what I want, but because I feel safer. I feel scared of causing my partner harm through exposure to my state, which I fear might be confusing for them. I feel frustrated that I can't communicate my needs well enough, and when I try sometimes they can't understand them. I feel angry to depend on someone and want to avoid how let down and disappointed I become.
Something I am aware of this week is how frustrating all of this is. If I am supposed to sit with these emotions, then we will have to acknowledge as a partnership how frustrating it feels for both of us not to be able to easily fix it.
My partner wants to know if what they should and shouldn't do to help. Today I admitted how meeting basic needs of mine is the most helpful and they were very accepting of this. I feel confused about whether this is healthy or acceptable, as it feels very strange for me to say I need help with these things.
I also explained that when I am not well, to feel like they go out their way and put me first really helps, as this definitely breaks the cycle of me feeling in the past. This morning there was an opportunity for them to put me first, and they didn't take it. It caused me so much upset. I feel guilty for placing my needs so highly. Is this wrong, I just don't know. I feel like I don't know up from down right now.
Today is Friday, I was triggered on Tuesday morning. Today I feel better. I went for a walk with my partner which is the first time I've been out and about for a couple of days. The light wasn't processing properly, and I feel like I can't focus when this happens. I think it is a cognitive hangover, not related to my eyesight. Everything is visually scatty, but also I feel scatty as well. Despite making it out I felt very tired and my head was low. With the foggy cognition stuff going on I felt quite unsure of things and wished I was home quickly. I wanted my partner to hold my hand, which after a while they did, and my tears flowed at this point. I struggled to vocalise but said quietly that I feel so tired of it all. That is what I feel today. A lot clearer and better, but still affected and fairly low. Tired and sore. It is still, however, such a relief to feel that the worse has passed. My therapist has advised me to imagine where I am on a scale of 0-10, 0 being absolutely okay, and 10 being absolutely not okay. Yesterday I was 10 on the scale, this morning I am probably 3-5. When resting I feel 3, when communicating and out in the world I feel 5, mostly due to exhaustion I think.
Last night, on day 3 of major symptoms following a trigger and concurrent breakdown of functioning, I drank a herb tea mix with: Passion flower, lime flower and chamomile. It seemed to take the edge off and I felt relaxed afterwards, and pleasantly sleepy. Which makes a change from the twitchy overtired kind of exhausted I've been for days.
I used to make herb tea mixtures years ago, and am going to go to the herb shop later to buy some ingredients.
Am thinking to create specific treatment strategies for the different stages of my trauma response symptoms:
• shock (straight after trigger)
• dissociation, disorientation, de-realisation
• confusion and cognitive fogginess
• exhaustion and over-tiredness
• hyper-vigilance and anxiety
• tension headaches and occular migraines
• aching body (usually from where I've been hunched up and very still for days)
I reckon looking at these as stages ongoing might be helpful. They all have a different impact, even though they are vastly related.
Just got triggered again. Felt like I was relaxing after days and partner put on something to do watch that made me feel uncomfortable and then had a disturbing scene showing parental abuse. Not good. Feels so tiring.
I feel like writing in capitals. Not shouting. Just a strong repetitive feeling.
I D O N O T W A N T E M O T I O N S A N Y M O R E
• Partner wants space to find himself, on his terms, regularly.
• I've been trying to support this. It hurts, regularly.
Compromise compromise compromise. Something I'm VERY good at based on consistently having my needs trampled on and having to adapt all the time.
Recent relationship has felt better - I've been more communicative, feeling more authentic and expressing difficult emotions.
I've tried to support his need to his own space. After all, that's not odd? It's normal! I've wanted that in previous relationships myself.
But at this time in my life, I just don't want it. I want someone to want me in their life everyday. When we spend a lot of time together I feel so relaxed. The push and pull of my partner needing space feels too much for me.
I'm unhappy. He's unhappy. Both of us are trying to get our needs met, both of us are trying to meet the others needs. But we're hurting.
Are we incompatible?
Is this where compromise has to stop?
Should I try harder, challenge my anxious fearful attachment feelings and stick it out?
He says he wants to live with me one day. I just want it to be now.
I feel like the wounded child is so loud and I don't know whether it's bad or good. I can't tell whether it's also my adult self. I think it is. I think all of me just wants to be wanted by the person I am with.
Not forced to take space and again prove my resilience and ability to adapt and compromise. I want someone to allow me to rest and stop forcing me to be independent in life.
I want to nest and be intimate, loved, cocooned, wanted, adored, cherished. I want a teammate, a partner, a spouse.
I WANT TO BE THE CENTRE OF SOMEONES WORLD!
Do any adults truly have this and feel secure in their marriage and relationship?
Or is it too late? Am I yearning for something an adult can never have? Do I need to let go, grieve, submit?
I wish people would stop forcing me to be brave and strong and alone. I wish someone would just wrap me in their arms and allow me to rest and stop there, with them.
I don't know if I even deserve this. I hope I do. I hope I am and can be a good enough partner. I so want this.
Quote from: Sasha on April 02, 2020, 01:32:24 AM
I feel like the wounded child is so loud and I don't know whether it's bad or good. I can't tell whether it's also my adult self. I think it is. I think all of me just wants to be wanted by the person I am with.
Not forced to take space and again prove my resilience and ability to adapt and compromise. I want someone to allow me to rest and stop forcing me to be independent in life.
I want to nest and be intimate, loved, cocooned, wanted, adored, cherished. I want a teammate, a partner, a spouse.
I WANT TO BE THE CENTRE OF SOMEONES WORLD!
Do any adults truly have this and feel secure in their marriage and relationship?
Or is it too late? Am I yearning for something an adult can never have? Do I need to let go, grieve, submit?
I wish people would stop forcing me to be brave and strong and alone. I wish someone would just wrap me in their arms and allow me to rest and stop there, with them.
I so resonate with this.
It sounds like your inner child talking loud and clear?
In terms of adults having this....I don't personally believe the 'adult' you needs this. I think unconditional love is a period in our young lives where if it is not met, and I think it isn't met in many people - those of us from abusive families experiencing the worst of what this looks like - I don't think it can be recaptured. I read somewhere someone's opinion that until we become aware, most of us spend the rest of our lives avenging the inner wounded child.
However, I have also read - and personally agree with - the idea of mourning this loss. Of feeling the feelings we didn't get to feel (this seems for me the most challenging bit) and having support during THIS period can heal a lot of the wounding caused by missing out on the safety, acceptance, love and validation we missed out on.
It sounds like your inner child is crying out right now. And she deserves to, after all she has been through. I'm sorry its such a rough experience, but I can see in you a gritty and fierce spirit. You will heal over time, I feel.
I don't know where to start. It's been a while. My partner and I broke up. Or rather he left me. In April.
I've been up and down. These last two weeks have been hard. I found out he is seeing someone new. A week later I witnessed stranger street violence that has caused trauma response.
Today I woke up and went back to bed. For two weeks me head has been swimming with thoughts and feelings towards the partner I have lost. I feel low. He was very supportive and helped me a lot with trauma responses and CPTSD / PTSD symptoms.
My therapist has suggested I could start to treat the loss like a death, and so I invited him to a 'ritual ending' on my terms, next week, where we are writing goodbye letters to one another. I already digitally deleted him when I found out about the new woman. Maybe this will give me a gentler sense of finality. I don't know. Right now I am swarmed with the feeling of him, images of him with someone else, feelings of loneliness and hopelessness, loss and longing.
I'm not okay. Finding the energy and mindset to bathe, clean up, go to the shops... it feels like too much. This week I engaged in destructive coping mechanisms that I'm not happy about. Stranger sex. Drugs. Alcohol. Hyper socialising. I feel frazzled. I want to look after myself but I feel like a ghost of sorts.
That is a big loss. :'(
Dear Sasha,
I'm so sorry about your pain. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all go away.
I know what it's like to suffer from a broken heart and to be confused about what went wrong. The lack of closure makes everything more difficult.
I hope you can find some peace through your ritual ending, and that you will be able to be gentle and kind to yourself, as you deserve and are worthy of love.
Please continue to talk with us, so that you will have us for support.
:hug:
I'm so sorry, Sasha. :hug:
Thank you for your last comments.
I haven't used this forum for many years. I had EMDR and felt like I had made a lot of progress. I think I have, to be honest, but recently I've been having to dig deep again and reflect on the past
I realise that unprocessed trauma is still running my life. I've stopped and paused for almost a year now, caring for a friend, which provides me with universal credit. It's been okay, a bit stressful, the times.
I've been living on the breadline, using food bags, feeling okay, and trying to use the time to dig deeper into my creative career, And work out how I can fit in in this world.
Last year, I left another job that I didn't belong at, and found myself burned out again. This pattern has been going on for years, and that's what I've been looking into, thinking about neurodivergence and starting to accept very strong feelings of disability that really are part of my everyday life.
Recently I've been processing that I have a lot of pain and physical ailments. I've been connecting the dots and intuiting that my body really wasn't treated nicely as a child, it wasn't respected, it didn't feel safe, I didn't feel free or liberated and an adult hood. I can see that inside my body, I feel scared and painful.
I've been really trying to process as much as I can, I feel very tired right now. I just broke up with my partner of three years Today because our pattern of conflict triggers us both. We both love each other very much and I actually think he's a brilliant partner in so many ways, as am I. But I think my unprocessed trauma means I really do struggle to take responsibility for myself, because there is so much stuff I haven't really Processed at all.
I'm questioning whether I can even really be in a relationship. It feels like there are parts that I don't even want to look at or see, it's so painful. And then I can see how much I interact with my partner as someone that I ultimately Want to fix or heal these parts, parts that I barely even look at. And I project a lot of stuff onto my partner because of this I criticise and I am a perfectionist I analyse everything, I have so many opinions on how he needs to change.,
To be honest, I'm so sick of myself.
And I know why. It's because I was treated like * And there's ages inside of me because this happened throughout my child of 16 years in the family home. And I don't like them I don't like these parts. I'm being honest, I'd like to like them. I'd like to embrace my inner child as everyone suggests. But I think I feel repulsed
I said to my partner today (maybe ex partner) that, although he says he loves all of me, he really can't see all of me, because I can't hardly see who I am. I've been writing a list for years of all the traumatic memories , I can recall, in order to help me validate and process.
I wanted to share this list today. I would have liked to share with him, but I do worry that it might be too much. And so that's why I found myself back here. Because I don't know who understands, I don't know who has capacity, I struggled to feel like I can share this with anyone I know face-to-face. I worry that it will hurt them, I worry that they will look at me differently, I worry that they will judge me.
Sasha,
I do know the feeling that nobody understands me. It's what drives the ability to feel lonely in a crowded world. We're all sharing the space and the oxygen, but we don't feel safe sharing our own thoughts, sometimes not even with ourselves. So, we're lonely in a crowd.
Nothing you said in this last post was too much for me. At some level, I've felt similar feelings and thoughts about everything you brought up. I'm sure that others on this forum would say the same thing. So, I'm glad you have this forum to share with. I'm glad we all have this forum to share with.