I'd like to pick your brains about something. What do you do after you've had a flashback? Is there anything specific you do to recover, or soothe yourself, or work through the feelings the EF brought up?
I thought this might be an interesting topic to talk about. I'm only just starting to be kinder to myself. In the olden days (up until a few weeks ago), I used to just feel relief, push the flashback out of my mind as soon as possible, and beat myself up with guilt and shame about not handling things better. And it occurs to me that this isn't the most helpful thing to do. So now, after a flashback, I'm trying to squish my toxic Inner Critic and be kind to myself. I'm also taking things easier instead of pushing myself too hard. That's a start. Well done, me. But I'm sure there's a lot more.
I was in an FB when I read your post, and here is what I did to pull out of it. I emailed my therapist to get my feelings out into the open, and in the email I listed my plan for recovery which is self compassion/acknowledgement that I am feeling awful, gratitude for what is going well in my life right now, and think what I would tell a friend in this situation (try to open my mind and heart a little).
Funny thing - after that I went to my gym and along came a workout buddy who told me about things that provided total distraction from my pain. Then I chatted with another old buddy and finally even met a brand new workout pal - introduced myself so she woukd feel welcome....
The FB was as a result of having to witness one of my students being shamed and bullied by her parent in front of a room full of adults....really triggered me for 24 hours since I was also shamed and bullied as a kid. I think I let my IC know that it was ok to feel sad and somehow the gratitudes and attempt to step outside myself took hold after I acknowledged the pain of my little person inside.
Hope this helps someone else.
I'm still trying to figure what to do after a FB. I gravitate towards my dogs right after, but that just kind-of makes things worse because they were the only one's there for me years ago.
I think the next time it happens I'll lift up a book. It's hard though because it's like, I want to feel the pain and heal, but at the same time the feeling is far too much and I want it to stop. It's a battle that seems impossible to win at the minute. But I think it helps with recovery if we do do something immediately after which we love. It's almost something we give ourselves and we've never allowed ourselves anything nice, if you see what I mean? I just make no sense! :stars:
I hope everyone finds something that really helps them after these horrible times.
Hi nomoreguilt
The way you put it is exactly right...you want to feel the pain and heal, but the moment you come close to the pain..its just too much, too terrifying...
Im new here and its amazing to have others verify what i am feeling that know one else in my life would understand!
I do hope it gets easier for you with in time.
I used to journal after flashbacks. Was helpful in making you feel lighter, as it gets it out of your system. Nowerdays i don't want to but it is helpful. Perhaps after you have all relaxed and done something to self sooth, you can then write about what happened.
I also think that the idea is to try to be there for yourself with the whole inner child work....i find that really hard.
Small steps I guess. Its not a rush. Even if you just have a hot chocolate after a flashback for a while and do nothing else...if the hot chocolate is a treat and something you like to have, then you are taking steps to soothing and treating your inner child to what they would like.
Maybe soothing will gradually build up over time. Once soothing stops being so ...frightening...or ...wrong to do.
I hope its not so confusing in time and yes...that everyone finds things from them for those times.
ps. the internet has a lot of options....
My therapist got me into warm drinks. They are pretty grounding. I have a cup of tea or a hot chocolate and I either curl up in a blanket with my dog or watch a funny movie when I can. I try to use my FBs for healing, but once I've processed as much as I can, getting my mind off what happened really helps. I also have smooth rocks that I like to hold and a playlist of songs that calm me down. Of it's been a really bad one, I will sometimes have a hot bath with Epsom salts.
Those all sound really soothing FloatBoat :thumbup:
I'm still new at this, so this is probably wrong: but, after a flashback I go to work. Usually that's because flashbacks happen at inconvenient times, like on days when I'm in between working two jobs. But it really does help me to go to work. What I do puts me "in the zone" and I can literally not feel pain (I spoke for an hour once with strep throat and didn't even feel it until afterward). My job is something that reminds me that I have worked very hard, that I am a valuable member of society, and that I'm smart and I help people, and that I'm making it on my own without my ex and my parents and siblings. It is really, really hard for me to focus on anything after a flashback though, so it's rough getting started, but with a good set of notes I can do alright until the good-ness starts kicking in. Long as I prepare my notes in advance, so that I'm not trying to prepare notes in the middle of a flashback, I'm usually alright.
Thank u for your post
It is helping me today
Having awareness and a frame of reference as to what a ef actually is and being in it and post it and being able to have some awareness at all stages I have found today extremely helpful--
Psychological activity -
And to remember I am recovering and I am doing well - despite what happened this morning to my psych / emotional state
It's ok
I am not alone anymore with it
Having people to talk with is so helpful I spoke with others in recovery today
Knowing it passes - knowing I'm not a bad person and
I usually take my anxiety medication, even if I don't really feel like I need to, just to make sure I don't go into further like, panic or end up disassociating or something...
I really love taking Lavender Epsom Salt Bubble Baths. At the end of the day, if I can muster up the energy, this is one of my go to soothing things (plus the epsom salt helps injuries n stuff since I am athletic and get sore a lot)
I love writing in my journal too. It kind of helps me to put it down on paper, what happened (once I am ready), so I can kind of sort things out and make connections, or not. But its just a good outlet for me.
I dunno. This is a good question.
Sometimes I am too overwhelmed to make these things happen, but I guess generally I try to strive toward soothing things, but I relate to being really hard on myself about it too sometimes.
Well, I guess the obvious "after" EF for me is to retreat. I'm definitely what Walker calls a Freeze and I've taken the retreat idea further than many. On the other hand, I really needed this way of life--it eases the mind, and I guess looking back I had an awful lot to ease. My recovery mode has been geared towards finding peace at all costs. I found the peace although the ghosts of my cptsd past came right along, it seems.
I made retreating pretty convenient--I live in one. Home is a hand-hewn house I built 30 years ago in the woods. There's people around, but just as many if not more deer, bears, and eagles. I'm also in an area conducive to hiking, biking, etc.
Actually, my primary work was connected to those sorts of activities. So while I probably sound like a far-off hermit, all my paid jobs were with and about people--but I had my retreat, as home. I didn't grow up this way, but I desperately needed the peace it affords and was lucky to find it.
Being a voracious reader, but far from an actual public library--okay, the retreat became a retreat/library. And with so many books (great insulators, btw) and daydreams at hand, Mr. Walker's assessment of Freezers sure shows...except he says we love watching TV; I don't own one.
So the third piece is music--very folk-oriented, with my favorite genre being the more traditional types of what's called Celtic. These days it's mostly listening, but I used to play at house-concerts, and helped start a folk festival a couple of years ago (which produced huge EF issues for me, though). You know--people (sigh).
I do miss having wood heat--chopping wood can be quite therapeutic in dealing with EFs and triggers. And I still love firing up a sauna in combo with the other methods.
I like to journal as well, but have to watch out--my IC likes to take over and critique me, and it's scary how I come out being so hard on myself; reading them, especially the years ago entries, one would think it was someone else writing a scathing laundry list of how I'll never get life right. So much for the peace when that stuff hits. Then again, I do have my 9-yr.-old cat Mystic, and used to have 3 husky dogs and a pair of other cats who lived to the age of 20.
I guess one could say my whole life is one big EF getaway. Probably is; good and bad. Obviously nothing seals one away from the pain of the journey so far, but what I described here is what and where I needed to find at least a taste of the peace I craved.
Nice story, woodsgnome. Thanks for sharing.
"(great insulators, btw)" made me chuckle. ;D
I am so jealous of you Woodsgnome,!! i would love to be able to totally retreat into the woods, i have done it as much as poss in middle England but it's not quite the thing!
this conversation is interesting to me because you guys all seem to have flashbacks as kind of discrete events, whereas i live in a constant state of it; i dream almost every nite of the cult i was in, and every day is a struggle with panic, and most of the time i don't even know what i am afraid of, i am just afraid all the time. the only variation is in intensity, depending on whether something specific triggers me off into a biggie.
after a biggie i tend to close down and i get very very tired and low for a few days. exercise helps, just to get myself moving. music is good too, tho not always. it's being tough at the moment. this is as open as i have been and i hope i don't put anyone off. you guys are v. brave, i think.
Regarding flashbacks I have experienced living life both in a retreat way and also now in a more integrated way -
I spent about a year just doing minimum social contact - and I just couldn't cope with anymore-
People were too jarring- too upsetting and I felt strangled and hopeless. I can see now that that time was necessary for me and healing. Whilst I knew I was being 'different' and not being 'in social life' I also knew it's what I needed for my survival -
I find it funny how we can beat ourselves up for things that we are benefitting from -
After seeing child trauma therapist and doing eating disorder 12 step I feel in a different place-
Sure I need my down time and rest - meditation time and sanctuary ( maybe more than the average person ) but hey who wouldn't benefit from daily meditation :)
But I also crave connection and company now - intimacy with other people -
I think because I feel more integrated in myself I don't feel so over taken by others and feel in my own body and spirit more - it's great 🐹 :wave:
I feel more present and I could only get that before by laying in a dark room
I get told we are social animals and that makes sense when I look at other animals. Also man originally lived in tribes and community
I've been cut off for so long and now I feel back - new - ready - with some equipment
I guess my message is - we must work to not beat ourselves up for what we need - not make ourselves feel more 'weird for not being 'up to the mark ' whatever that means
Some people retreat for the rest of their lives in spiritual experience and why shouldn't they if that make their heart sing and they are living their truth -
But similarly if we do something that is good for us but we don't fully feel that - to believe that we are doing good for ourselves each and everyday -
I love what someone said
Quote 'I am already doing the right thing '
Nice one, boatsetsailrose.
I've not yet contributed to this thread, as the whole concept of Emotional Flashback is completely new to me.
During the past months I do think I'm getting some understanding of it, and I think I even identified one very strong one that has crippled my growth in an important area. I'll probably elaborate on that some day, but more in the vein of: was
this an Emotional Flashback?
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on August 20, 2015, 06:01:41 AM
I love what someone said
Quote 'I am already doing the right thing '
I'll have to give credit where credit is due:
I've taken that from It was given to me at a site that's been very helpful to me prior to signing up/discovering the site here.
Here's the article in which it is mentioned as a way of calming the Inner Critic. Perhaps you'll find additional comfort/support when reading the whole article.
It's a bit "New Age", at which my Inner Critic yells "NOoo!!", but it's surprisingly down to earth as it stresses the importance "to take thoughtful action" when dealing with the stuff we encounter.
http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/calming-inner-critic.html
Arpy1, you wrote this:
"every day is a struggle with panic, and most of the time i don't even know what i am afraid of, i am just afraid all the time. the only variation is in intensity, depending on whether something specific triggers me off into a biggie."
Same here...I described my quest for the idyllic, but there's always this underlying ache wherever and whatever I do. All ache all the time.
I too feel like life is sometimes just one big trigger/EF, even when perfectly alone in a beautiful place. It never goes away, and while I've found a semblance of outward peace I can't say I've truly experienced the inner. Because of that ache already mentioned.
Like you I experienced a "biggie" EF this week and have felt utterly drained for days and have had to sleep lots (or try to); being alone doesn't fully insulate me from any of it. It helps, though, and I'm fortunate to have found a way of life where I can find a part of the peace I need.
You said you feel able to at last open up here; I hope you continue to be seen here as we all need each other on this forum. And no, you certainly didn't "put anyone off", you only enriched everyone with your sharing. Take good care... :hug:
really good comments, made me cry! i am beginning to see why this is such a valuable exercise, being able to be anonymous and honest at the same time. it feels a bit more safe, when it's too frightening to talk to people at all in the normal way of things.
Woodsgnome, thank you for your kind comment, appreciate it. and i had a thought, if it were me and i liked chopping wood but didn't need it to burn, i'd maybe use some to make/build something beautiful outside. then you get all the pleasure of chopping it and creating something pleasing on top. me, i used to be a potter but i ran out of money and wellness, so all my good creative ideas are stuck inside my head. hope you don't mind me saying that.
and Dutch Uncle, thanks for that article link, it helped, even tho it made me cry (just a bad day/week/month today). this article i read really helped me identify what an EF is, and realise that is what is happening to me. cold comfort, you might think, but i found it helpful to know that i wasn't just making it all up or being an idiot. in fact the whole website is very useful. http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf
Thanks for the link, arpy1.
I'm glad the article I posted has touched and helped you.
:hug:
If I am at work which is often (like Tiasarah I find it is usually an inconvenient time) I try and find someplace with some privacy, e.g. an out of the way washroom, and breathe, just breathe. I focus on breathing in and out gently and slowly.
If I am able to do anything I want I still try and go somewhere on my own and I still breathe.
Either way, I also try and touch base with my IC and my Inner Teenager, and whichever of my other 'Inner Selves' need to be heard. I find quite often it is one of them more so than the others that is upset. I try and speak to that one gently, reassuring her that she is safe and that I love her and will always protect and care for her. If I am at home, I often hug my (actually, my IC's) big teddy bear. It feels good and also helps me to have the sense of holding my IC.
If I am at home, like many of the people who have already responded, I like to take a warm bath and drink herbal tea. Often I also need a nap, or at least a good lie down.
I'm posting this here since I am still trying to grab the concept/the essence/the signals/ the effects of an EF.
So this in essence an (self-)inquiry about having one and how I have dealt with it.
Since my female sibling caught me by surprise with her stupid invitation for her birthday party (which was in fact a lure to get me back in the enmeshment/co-dependent relationship I have broken by going NC) I have been 'lazy' (Inner Critic), dysfunctional (idem), tense, pre-occupied and somewhat obsessed (all valid and non-judgemental observations).
Now that this weekend has passed without any further infringements on my boundaries, I feel much calmer and positive.
When my female parent phoned me last week, my (possible) EF state heightened again, even though I dealt with it OK by refusing to even look at the message she has left.
I did prepare for possible Flying Monkeys (which would be male parent and male sibling), wrote short, concise and clear-cut replies I would have wanted to give them, if they would show up. I was pretty confident they wouldn't though, and I was right. "Yay us!", I'd say.
It felt good to be prepared though, I knew then I'd have a safety net in place in case they would call. I could answer the phone if I felt up to it, and just read out the prepared statement. And statements they would have been. No JADE.
Actually having these notes ready already made me confident I would actually be able to pick up the phone and thus stay in contact with them.
So actually I think I survived another EF, that lasted for weeks probably (not in the least since the poo was stirred, through no fault of my own), and I did so in a constructive way, that has helped me in my recovery. I've gained experience in maintaining NC with my female sibling and LC with the female parent, and gained trust I would be able to talk with the others on my resilient stance regarding my NC. And I'm glad to see that even if both Flying Monkeys have been approached/lured, they haven't fallen for the trap. I was right in surmising I wouldn't hear from them.
I haven't received any reproach by my two uHPD's (yet ;) ), so that feels terribly good as well.
Thanks for reading.
Wow! i stand in awe, D/U. big respect for how you handled all of it. i am guessing from what you wrote the party weekend has passed? huge sighs of relief all round.
it does sound like you've maybe been in a bit of a constant EF, from what you describe. but just look at how incredibly you've dealt with it. i especially like the bit about writing statements just in case you get a call. that is so sensible, recognising what is triggering you into fear and anxiety and taking what control was possible, before it turned into a crisis. having a Plan (don't it always feel better if you have a Plan!?) i'm gonna file that away as a useful strategy, myself.
definitely YAY YOU!! :hug: :hug: :hug:
Whenever I have an EF, all I can do is run away (if possible) and cry. Or maybe that is part of the EF itself. After that, I try my best to calm down by giving myself a nice snack, doing something I like, confiding in someone who loves and cares about me. I also take it easy because I am completely drained after an episode. I feel weak, shaky, tired and emotionally numb afterwards. Recently, I have also started journalling about trauma and anything happening right now that relates to that (so an EF would count). I haven't had an EF since I started, but I find it has helped me otherwise.
I try to distract myself and dissociate with food because I don't know what to do. I become selfish because suddenly I have to stop and take care of only me and my discomfort. I feel like my mother and that's just another ef too add to the mix so I have to tell myself I'm not that bad. I suspect part of the pep talk is true but part is lies to appease myself when I've been harsh with the kids or something.