Dear July 2021 Me,
I am thinking about summer. For me, summer was often a marker of transition and pain. My family often moved in the summer and was settling into a new home and place. It is a time when the abuse was heightened given the transition. I don't think I've ever really had a good summer. I don't like being asked how was your summer because I detest giving false, small talk answers.
As today has gone on, I feel a deep sadness. My sadness is tired. The past few months have not gone the way I hoped. That is life. But I feel sad because I do not feel I can share the sadness in me with others. I am told to not feel the way I do. I feel I am supposed to keep it in and make nice which is exhausting.
My sadness is choking. I feel words I want to say but have no one to say them to. And sometimes I lose or can't find the words to show what is inside.
My sadness is actually fear. Today I learned something about my work that makes me wonder if I will ever actually be able to stand up for myself. I am afraid of always being out of step and backed into corners and silenced.
My sadness is sadness that my gifts as a person are in part born of the pain I endured growing up. I see what others miss. My sadness is sadness because no one will listen to what I see and consider the possibility I am on to something.
My sadness is also hopeful. I feel sadness so I feel things that are not sadness. But I don't feel those things on the terms of others.
It is ok to feel sad. It is ok to feel all the things I do. Also, I am making steps toward being heard and standing up and being me. I hope that I will read this in the future and feel proud of how much farther I have gotten.
Love, Me