So... something new happened that is so off the wall, so strange and terrible that it's almost beyond reaction... but.... I can't share it, because it's in the news.
Just unreal.
It's an odd thing how sometimes tho, something new and awful removes some old and awful. It does that at least.
Determined not to let this push me over the edge tho, in fact... this has to be a line in the sand regarding fate and its dark sense of humour.
Nope, not gonna happen. I've done enough, thanks.
I had a sponsor once who likened my layers of hurt to layers of paint on top of lead paint. Older houses of course had lead paint, which is bad, but simply got painted over and painted over until it's almost impossible to get rid of the lead paint without just getting rid of the house.
As I'm healing (so darn slowly!), I'm finding that those new and awful experiences (or at least newer experiences) are like painting over the lead paint. The old and awful is still there - it wasn't removed, just painted over. I'm trying to strip away the paint to get to the lead paint at the core to start to clean it up. But I keep painting over it as fast as I'm peeling away layers.
Sigh.
Sending you lots and lots of support JamesG. Whatever is happening you are worthwhile and cared for. :grouphug:
I have a very stark choice here I think. It's maybe a bit of a sink or swim moment.
I either weather this, or I go down.
I've learned so much about trauma, and about how I prsonally react to it, for better or worse, and I have a toolkit I didn't have before. It doesnt matter how severe and horrible this is, and trust me, it really is, I can still manage it.
I'm going to start by limiting who knows about the story to the absolute bare minimum. Allies only. Work knows and are being amazing. That's something I never had before. Next I am going to use this to draw a line under the whole saga. Thing is, it doesn't matter how obscene or severe an incident may be, it's not you. As the stoics say, you can at least decide how you feel things, and how you react. Feelings are OPTIONAL.
I've been through so much, and often it's the outside expectations on how I was expected to behave or react that created this awful cognitive dissonance. It's so easy for people to stand at the sidelines like some fat football fan in the terraces, passing judgement on the performance of some ultra fit athelete who's just having an off day. So many of us in here have had to face situations that many others might never have made it through, and to add insult to that injury, we've been slated and judged for how we coped.
Not this time.
I've done enough.
There is my life, then there are the actions of others. I cannot control that, I can only control how I react and live with these stories. Yes, this is a terrible twist on an already ghastly story, but it isn't something I had any control over. It will likely be claimed I had some responsibilty, because that's what narcicists always do, but of course I didn't.
Hold the line.
Weather it. Weather it weather it weather it. Whatever you are going through it sounds like it is very very difficult.
We are your redwood tree root support system. We'll keep you standing and you'll do the same for us.
https://joanneeddy.com/2016/06/29/intertwining-roots-a-lesson-on-community/
Quote from: jamesG.1 on November 19, 2021, 07:54:51 AM
I've been through so much, and often it's the outside expectations on how I was expected to behave or react that created this awful cognitive dissonance. It's so easy for people to stand at the sidelines like some fat football fan in the terraces, passing judgement on the performance of some ultra fit athelete who's just having an off day. So many of us in here have had to face situations that many others might never have made it through, and to add insult to that injury, we've been slated and judged for how we coped.
This is so true. It's incredible how things can be turned back on on you and you are left to doubt yourself. I have my own situations where its taken me years to come to a place that I can safely say it's the environment and not me, yet still judged by lots of people who are unaware or are unwilling to be aware. I know I'm right, or doing the right thing if others are not, but it's not easy. Hope you're finding support here.
in your words with no details, i know you, you are me and i feel you.
I sense the strength there, and you are right, people dont understand but underneath the layer there is a strength there and a vast array of coping skills
whatever is going on now, might be hard, but just remember you have come through the worst of worst before
you can now, choose your response
thank you for sharing in the manner you have - i gain from it to
Quote from: jamesG.1 on November 19, 2021, 07:54:51 AM
I have a very stark choice here I think. It's maybe a bit of a sink or swim moment.
I either weather this, or I go down.
I've learned so much about trauma, and about how I prsonally react to it, for better or worse, and I have a toolkit I didn't have before. It doesnt matter how severe and horrible this is, and trust me, it really is, I can still manage it.
I'm going to start by limiting who knows about the story to the absolute bare minimum. Allies only. Work knows and are being amazing. That's something I never had before. Next I am going to use this to draw a line under the whole saga. Thing is, it doesn't matter how obscene or severe an incident may be, it's not you. As the stoics say, you can at least decide how you feel things, and how you react. Feelings are OPTIONAL.
I've been through so much, and often it's the outside expectations on how I was expected to behave or react that created this awful cognitive dissonance. It's so easy for people to stand at the sidelines like some fat football fan in the terraces, passing judgement on the performance of some ultra fit athelete who's just having an off day. So many of us in here have had to face situations that many others might never have made it through, and to add insult to that injury, we've been slated and judged for how we coped.
Not this time.
I've done enough.
There is my life, then there are the actions of others. I cannot control that, I can only control how I react and live with these stories. Yes, this is a terrible twist on an already ghastly story, but it isn't something I had any control over. It will likely be claimed I had some responsibilty, because that's what narcicists always do, but of course I didn't.
Hold the line.
Thanks all.
wish I could share the details, but I'd be putting a searchlight on me. You know how these things go.
I can and will come out of this with added strength.
As if by magic, this came up... which pretty much sums up my approach right now.
https://www.iflscience.com/brain/trauma-and-transformation-a-psychologist-on-why-difficult-experiences-can-radically-change-us/?fbclid=IwAR3KZAAnd8kau6utfcnUfDr2lZbRL0-S7HqJcVezUEO_Pai8WtDcZeK_-GA
You can weather whatever it is that you're going through. If you're here, you've already survived worse. Hang in there.
I appreciate the mediation references in the article. I'm finding something similar with my own meditation experiences. I think a lot of "new agey" things can have a spiritual bypass element in it which removes us from the real world where we don't have to do the work, but if those two things are integrated, I think it's a fantastic tool.
James
We aren't just text on a page, we're living souls who care about each other. I hope our support online adds strength to you as you weather this traumatic event. Most of us have been blamed for the narcissists' actions in our lives. We empathize. I sincerely hope we can help add strength to you today as you weather this.
Thanks all... appreciated. Truly.
This is a real odd one, a grenade rolling around on a heaving deck. It's either gonna go off or it isn't. My real enemies don't know it is even happening yet I suspect.
I have a choice, I either let it swamp me or I don't. Right now I have some grace while I wait for what may be horrendous confirmation of an historic event. If that goes the way it could go, then it's going to be like opening a can of scorpions in a phone box.
Or not.
My enemies are armed only with spite and words.
I am ready.
Bring it on.
I should make it clear, I think, that I've actually done nothing, this is just a very surreal and ghastly one in a billion twist. Sadly, it's in my story.
It will inevitably be used against me, if it's confirmed. Which it might not. The attack won't make any sense but it it will be designed to inflict as much damage as possible and will be deeply personal and broadcast far and wide.
I'm not either suprised or shocked by that sort of thing now, tho I was before. You just don't expect fighting that dirty within your own circle. I don't know why I didn't, I witnessed it endlessly, it just took me a very long time to realise how abnormal and wrong it was, sadly too late to protect the people it destroyed.
Well, not this time.
I have time to prepare and I have my support network in place.
It can only get to you IF you let it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I keep checking the forum to see your updates. Keep us in the loop. I'm really hoping to hear that this blows over and misses you. Fingers are crossed for you!
Thanks Papa Coco, much appreciated.
Let's see.
Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Well, uneasy wait now.
I've done all I can do to prepare, it's just a question of waiting.
But I do seem to be balancing quite well now. There was a bad 2 weeks of catastrophising, mainly around what the reaction will be if it's all confirmed, but that's settled now. Really, what can people really do? There will be the usual theatrical grandstanding, the public displays of outrage and righteousness, but so what? These things only matter if you let them matter and frankly, they don't matter one jot.
In narcicisstic families you are trained to fear these moments and the theatre around them, but in reality, they mean nothing. If you deal with them rationally you will be labelled 'cold' oe unfeeling because hysteria is basically the norm.
The only norm is your own reaction.
Anyway, I'm as prepped as I can be. If the worst happens I'll throw a legal log across the railway and retire to a safe distance.
I have a life to live no matter what has happened.
James,
Again: Good luck in hopes that this event unravels in the safest, most benign way it can.
You made a comment that when you're raised by Ns you fear the worst. I was, and I do. The most horrific thing you can say to me is, "We need to talk" and then tell me we'll talk later. Whenever I'm living in that anticipatory nightmare that I'm about to be blamed for something horrible, I call that Pre-Tramatic Stress Disorder.
I have a similar story that happened way back in my past. Something I once said in my stand up comedian days, many years ago made it's way to the global news and was taken so far out of context that I sounded like I was a horrible, horrible person. I spent nearly a year with my skin crawling, as I wondered how I would be publicly punished and ramrodded for what was taken out of context and published globally. That was years ago now, and to my great relief there never were any follow-on repercussions. I eventually finally lost my dread, but wow...was that ever a terrifying year of my life. This is probably why I am so intent on following your story, and am hoping so much that your situation works itself out to be as uneventful as possible. It's also why I'm so grateful you're keeping us informed as to the status. My empathy nerves are on edge for you.
Papa Coco... absolutely... the threat is always worse than the delivery. Most narcs are all puff, because unless they go physical, what's the worst they can do?
Took me a long time to get that into my thick head.
It's all about social exclusion I think. I read something about this which made huge sense. Social exclusion is bad enough now, but imagine it in prehistory. Some small group of hunter-gatherers, you get the cold shoulder and that's it... you are on your own. And on your own means dead. It's a death threat in that context.
Now... looking back, being driven out of the cuckoo nest madness of my family was a gift. My only regret was that I didn't stay gone. I wanted back in as a type of redemption, some mad stab at validation. When I did get in it nearly killed me.
Get out, and stay out. Only way.
You're right on JamesG, we are wired for community. The word ostracize comes from the Greek ostroikos, which literally meant "to put outside the wall". It was the worst punishment possible, worse than being executed, because it meant you moved from the top of the food chain to the bottom - and you had to wait and watch for each moment.
I had a similar experience in college. A bad choice I made resulted in some very public consequences that were tied up with some social dialog going on at the time, and got completely blown out of proportion. And I was made out to be some sort of monster, when I was just a college kid trying to find my voice after a lifetime of enforced silence. I regret the choice I made, but the results were far out of proportion with that choice. As you are finding, you just have to ride the wave while it crashes over you again and again. But eventually, you will find dry land again. (So sue me, I like metaphors :) )
Hi JamesG.1,
The thought that came to mind when I read your statement about exclusion was that it also affects us as babies/children and that we can't be excluded because we depend on these people for survival. A difficult concept when you grow up in a family of narcs - how can I be related to this, is it in me too, am I the problem? I went through all those thoughts.
Hope you're finding some comfort with all the stress.
dolly
I just want to offer a hug if welcome for all you've gone through and are going through.
:hug:
What you said about going back to narc family struck me. I kept going back to my mom and trying harder over and over. All I really grasp is I felt like a bad person and so I'd go back because I don't want to be a bad person and I don't believe at my core that I am a bad person so I'd have to prove it to myself or something or else I WOULD be a bad person or look like one to others who couldn't understand. And I couldn't explain it to get them to understand, in fact trying to explain it made me feel like an even worse person. So it's all like this awful trap. (My mom wasn't really narc, she was BPD, another cluster B.)
All that to say...we are trying to make it work in some game playing the normal rules but everyone we are playing with is disregarding the rules and so we feel crazy. I just hope this does blow over for you and I'm really proud of you that you are being kind to yourself and staying upright.
That's the thing... it SEEMS normal. It isn't.
My brother dominated our family when Dad died and shaped the entire thing around himself to suit his own cowardice and self aggrandisment. It didn't result in success or fulfilment, it just dragged everyone down with him. But they enabled him. That's the mindblower, isn't it? The way these dismal, useless people trigger this cuckoo's victim reaction in people they are destroying incrementally. They were so far gone in this death dive that they turned on anyone who challenged his status as the heroic misunderstood genius/ perpetual bad luck magnet with real venom. I got the worst of it. Eventually they were at least coherant enough to fess up to his abuse, "he was just too strong".
Bit late that.
These dreadful messed up little bunker dramas feel real to the people inside them, but the real world is very different. I see that very clearly now.
But the oxygen on these fires is drama, hence this current crisis. So here I am, firehose in hand, waiting.
It makes a change to have hypervigillance for a good reason for once, eh? I feel like the starship enterprise with every single scanner turned on. 360 degree, total coverage.
Bring it on.
We're herd animals. Social creatures. There's a reason for that. Survival. It's why ostracization is so terrifying. We can better survive attacks if we are part of a group, but left on our own, especially when we're too young to have learned any survival skills, means certain annihilation. Our biological brains know that. We're born knowing we need to be protected by our herd. So Narcissists, who also feel the same fear, learn to weaponize that fear so as to control us. It works fabulously for them.
Thought I'd update as much as I could.
Can't really elaborate still as it would give too much away, but it does appear that this issue is fading without dragging me into it.
It's been a bit like watching an asteroid pass by the earth so close you could see all the craters.
Deep breath.
Let it out.
Move on.
Glad to hear this James :thumbup: