Out of the Storm

this new journal title reflects what i've been hearing about me, my traumas, and my circumstances in the past several years.  it's all been too much, and i don't know why i've had the strength of still be here.

i don't want this to be a downer right off the bat, but it is how i'm feeling.  trapped, unsafe (thanks, doc),increasingly difficult time coping, more stuff coming up every week.  yesterday i was down again w/ stress flue, have to see the eye doc on wed. and am still worrying about my D, her medical issues, all that's going on w/ her, besides my own realizations, inner battles, triggers almost daily  . . . again, i'm so out of energy yet i have to continue to summon more.  that leads me to the thought about one day i just won't be able to.

seeing the doc on wed. is one of those instances.  dont know what's going to happen, but worried that i'll have to see an ophthalamogist as well.  don't know where the money will come for that.  ohhhhh, too much!

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time San. You're always so kind and giving here I'm glad you're telling us about how you feel because sometimes it just have to be you first. Maybe we can lend you support and care if even across cyberspace you can draw on.  :grouphug:

"Too much" is a phrase that resonates with me all too well, san.  "It's too much", "I"M too much", either or both. 

I'm thinking of you :bighug: :hug:

 :bighug:

Lots of big long hugs.

It's OK to be honest. Pretending everything is ok when it isn't is profoundly damaging imo.

Dear SanMagic,
I am sending you a big hug of support at this time  :bighug:
Hope  :)

I appreciate the strength of the sentiment and the need to name a journal that to reflect on it further.  I hope that this week will pass more smoothly than you expect.

kizzie, thank you for the kind words.  absolutely, the support here helps. :hug:

thanks, bach, for those wonderful big hugs.  i wish 'too much' wasn't something you can resonate w/  :hug:

armee, thank you.  honestly, i didn't know i was pretending.  i thought i was being real w/ everything i wrote. another confusing point to me.  thanks for all those hugs.  love them. :hug:

love that big hug, hope.  thanks ever so. :hug:

thanks, rainy.  i appreciate your support :hug:

i think this is how i've lived my life - being unaware of how i was feeling, how much of anything i was carrying, not knowing it was too much.  it's scaring me now that i'm thinking of it.  i'm also feeling like a young child, scared, trapped, not knowing anything about me or the future.  EF?  it's a terrible feeling.

therapy in the morning.  hopefully she'll be able to settle me somewhat.  i feel up to my neck in quicksand and can't quite reach the branch that will pull me out, so it feels like i'm still sinking.  i don't know what to do.  it really is all too much. i wish i could cry, but the tears won't come.  they're just dragging my face down dreadfully down and i know the sadness is back in my eyes where i've carried it most of my life.

i'm having a hard time smiling or laughing, which has always been a lifesaver for me.  i don't know how to manage this.

Oh San San. I didn't mean that you were pretending. Just responding to your statement that you didn't want to be a downer. You're feeling down...well that's an understatement...but i just mean...I wish you felt better but since you don't you don't need to pretend here to be ok for the sake of not being a downer. This is one of the only places we don't need to put on a brave face.  :hug:

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time. Maybe feeling like a scared young child is an EF. Perhaps your therapist can shed some light. At any rate I hope the appointment brings some comfort. Best wishes for your doctor appointment tomorrow.

 :hug:

 :bighug:

thanks, armee, for the clarification. :hug:

thanks for the support, NK  :hug:

love that big hug, moondance.  thanks  :hug:

my T told me she's worried about me and responded w/ tears in my eyes that i'm worried about me, too.  my brain can't work right - hallucinations, losing my balance, which is all scary to me.  she also said i'm hanging on by a thread.  that sounds about right.  i asked my D today to give me a break from talking about her medical stuff.  it's really too much. and i'm seeing the eye doc tomorrow.  we'll see what happens.  i wish i could give up. 

Hi San, I'm so sorry you're so overwhelmed with stress. I do hope being able to open up about has helped.

I don't have the exact circumstances, however I understand what it's like to have so much going on it's hard to concentrate. Especially when you need to be responsible for others.

I have a lot of Drs and tests/scans I have to go through. I have to tell myself one thing at a time.

When I think about what I have to take care of for myself, my children, and my household I completely shut down and nothing gets accomplished.

Sending  :grouphug: and support to get through a very rough time.

 :yeahthat: "I have to tell myself one thing at a time."  :thumbup:

I know when I start to feel overwhelmed I will actually move things to later on or cancel altogether to take some of the stress off. Maybe there's a few things you could do later so you have some room to breathe?

 :hug:

I wish I could take all this away and just give you joy. Nothing would make me happier.

Let's get that eye pain dealt with first. Severe pain makes everything else feel even more unbearable. It may also be causing the hallucinations (?) So perhaps let any worry you might have about those fade too for now if you can?

Good job asking for some relief from hearing about all the medical concerns from your daughter. Look at how big your love is for her, that these worries can affect you so much!

(((((((((((San))))))))))

We love you.

just want to thank everyone tonite, will write more tomorrow.

denali, thanks so much.  i actually do work at 'one thing at a time', but sometimes, like lately, everything piled up and was difficult to separate into 'ones'.  i appreciate your support. :hug:

hey, kizzie, i've been juggling like that for a long time.  thank you for your thoughts. it's just when i have layers of stuff all smushed together . . . all this medical stuff simply took it out of me.  still recovering from it all, so . . . :hug:

armee, i know you would if you could.  thank you, you precious thing. unfortunately, there's more for me on the horizon.  all this support really helps.  :hug:

Hi San, I completely understand. We can only control our actions. It's everything coming in from the outside that we can't control that makes life overwhelming.

I refer to these times that the circus is in town. If I could I would go hide when it happens.

 :hug: hope your appointment goes well.

 :hug:  Hoping the doctor helps you find relief from this pain...I get when everything is happening all at once...haha I think you know that from reading my journal  ;)  *sending you energy you need to get through everything you need to do*

yeah, denali, some kind of bizarro circus for sure.  thanks for your understanding. :hug:

EA, thank you for the energy - truly appreciated.   :hug:

the doc showed me a picture of my cornea - lots of jagged-looking rivulets of unevenness scattered throughout.  it got injured somewhere along the line and the cells didn't mend themselves correctly.  the pain comes from my eyelid scraping over these rivulets, and, since this has happened 3x, at 6-mo. intervals, it will continue to happen unless i get surgery to smooth them down.  so, corneal surgery is on my horizon.

i had no feelings about it until my D said, 'that's scary'.  fear hadn't come to my horizon.  i've had several surgeries, and there's never been fear involved, but, then, i never felt fear.  at any rate, i trust that the doc will do whatever's needed and this problem will go away for good.  just waiting for them to contact me for when they can fit me in. in the meantime, lots of antibiotic ointment for my eye, so it's blurry all the time.  the drugstore's computer system was down yesterday, so not processing any new prescriptions (the doc ordered antibiotic eyedrops for daytime - less blurriness).

i know this is dragging on me.  i can't separate it all out yet, but i can tell because i was saying unhelpful things to my D yesterday about some stuff she's going thru.  i want at least one of us to be well and whole! but, frustration and discomfort bring out the advice-giver in me, even when it's not asked for nor wanted.  so that's just another on the pile - i need to watch what i say.

a long and winding road, indeed.   i sure could use a break from this crapola.  it's too much.

I would feel that is all too much too.

thanks for the validation, rainy. :hug:

this morning was the first day i could open my eye w/o searing pain after waking up.  all kinds of gels and ointments, living by the clock to figure out when the next drop/glob needs to go in, takes me back to mexico.  i lived like this for so many years.  it's no fun going back - it seems like back, not forward - and the thought crossed my mind about just getting older and having more of these kinds of things happen.

as someone once said, getting old is not for wimps.  on the other hand, if i hadn't lived this long, there would have been a lot of things undone, places unseen, people unmet, experiences un-had, and my D to bond with.  so, it's got its upsides, too. 

well, that feels like the first pos. observation i've had in a long time.  dang, i've been getting worn down, but i was glad that popped out.  and yesterday, i was able to separate one emotion out - anger.  it felt good to realize it and express it. so, yay.

I celebrate you and the positive experiences that light you up. 

Curious - when the advice giver comes out, have you tried expressing the advice in a way that isn't sharing it?  Like writing down/voice memo about the advice you WANT to give, and then listening/reading back later when you aren't in advice giving mode to see if it's worth sharing?

Also, yay for finding a positive observation! You take that win  :hug:

thanks, rainy.  that's so sweet! :hug:

hey, EA, the 'advice giver' is part of my old self-construct to help people so they'd think i was intelligent and caring.  it's now one of those mechanisms i've battled hard to get rid of but sometimes, esp. under duress, she just breaks out of the vault.  oftentimes i'm not even aware i'm doing it until later or the next day.  thanks for your suggestion, tho.  for me, tho, this is too automatic, so no time to think or even realize at the time.

it's why sometimes, when i'm not really doing good, i'll find myself doing the advice thing in peoples' journals here, and when/if i realize it, i begin deleting. i'm just afraid i don't always catch myself in time.  and, thanks for that win encouragement!  :hug:


&&&&&&&&&& TW=-SA nightmare --********************









last nite i had a nightmare about SA on me and no one who was watching would help me.




***************end TW ******************

i've only lately been having those kinds of dreams, and i can hear myself attempting to yell out for help, but i know it's only moans and groans while i'm asleep and i'm trying really hard to turn those sounds into something understandable.  the worst part about last nite's dream was that i couldn't wake myself up from it long enough for it to go away, so it happened over and over 3 times before i could get myself out. sometimes my sleep meds keep me under when i don't want to be.

the eye stuff continues.  i haven't found the right amount of ointment, yet, to ensure my eye can open w/o pain in the morning. it did so when i finally woke up last nite, but that was after only 2 hrs. of sleep.  i even put more in before i finally went back to bed, but this morning, nope. didn't work, so i awoke to terrible pain.  not a good way to start the day.

i'm so crashed and burned right now.  went out to deliver for 1 1/2 hrs., yesterday, felt like crapola the rest of the day. too much.

San - that makes sense about the advice giver - appreciate you clarifying.  Nightmares you can't get out of are extremely relatable for me...and somehow saying "sorry you're going through that" doesn't cover the compassion and empathy I have for you to be experiencing that. Hoping you can find that sweet spot for the amount of ointment too.  Just feel like saying UGH, you know? Here's hoping you get relief soon.   :hug:

That nightmare sounds like too much, and very distressing, that no one was helping you. Sending you gentle but big enveloping hugs that somehow magically the medication for your eye starts to work. Pain is awful. Mental distress is awful. Watching loved ones suffer is...awful. Heat...awful. Too much is exactly right.

It always helps me feel better when you send me hugs full of just what I need so I am sending you hugs full of peaceful nights, painless days, relief for your daughter, and just the right amount instead of too much.

 :bighug:  :bighug: 

Love, hugs, and rest dear San.

Sanmagic7

As always my thoughts are with you.

You are enough in the just too much.  You are always enough just as you are.

 :bighug:

hey, EA, i think UGH! sums it up nicely.  thank you for your support. much appreciated :hug:

armee, those hugs were beautiful.  thank you for them. and for you. :hug:

moondance, i appreciate your thoughts for me. love the hug.  thanks.

still battling.  feeling pretty crappy.  we've got a break from the heat today, which is nice, but it's coming back this week.  am so stressed out and it's affecting my well-being.  my legs are going a little wonky at times now, hard to make them change direction sometimes.  i'm sure it's from the stress, but it doesn't feel good. i'm just surviving. i appreciate everyone's support and wish i could be there for you all.  you're all in my heart, tho. i've just got to get thru this first, get healed.  haven't heard from the cornea doc yet. UGH! is right!

Sending love and good thoughts, san :big hug:

You are here for me. Just being here for yourself is also being here for us. I love the responses of course when you are able to give them because your words are like magic, San Magic. A gift to say and know exactly what I need to hear and how many times I need to hear it, even though I don't know what I need to hear. But it is just your presence and sharing your world with us that means the most. No responses needed. You have given a lifetime's worth of support to all of us just in a short time. I only wish I had magic words too that would ease your suffering right now. More hugs until this debilitating stress flu wanders away again.  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

Definitely agree with Armee.  No responses needed, you are here supporting us all as you make your way through this valley of "too much".  We are all dealing with our own "too muches" together.   :hug:

bach, love the love and big hug.  so appreciated.  thank you. :hug:

armee, your words warmed me like a feather duvet from the inside out.  thank you for being here for me, for your kindness and lovely thoughts about me.  :hug:

thanks, EA.  i appreciate your support and permission not to 'have to' respond. :hug:

still struggling, altho there may be some indications that the cornea is healing.  i still have 5 more days on the antibiotic ointment and haven't heard from the cornea doc yet.  i just want this over with. living by the clock (when is 5 hrs. from now for my next dose?) how long has it been since my last advil, my last xanax, so much water i'm getting exercise just running back and forth to the john - got to keep flushing those kidneys against all this medicine.  UGH!

just learned from my D today that she heard the doc say my cornea isn't going to heal on its own anymore, which is why the choice of surgery came up, that all these gels and drops are just to keep some kind of protection so i'm relatively comfortable.  argh! i knew this would be a recurring condition but from what my D heard, it's something that will only get worse as time goes on.

i'm trying not to think about that, but i can tell it's upsetting (along w/ the heat) cuz i'm feeling out of sorts, can't exactly put my finger on how i'm feeling except that it's not good.  just till tomorrow . . .

That is a lot to consider as well as managing the heat.  I hope for some clarity for you as well as some coolness.

Really sorry to hear that San  :hug:  It's scary to think about I know.  For me, it's only OK I've found once the surgery for whatever is done and I'm on my way to healing, but I am usually so glad I got whatever needed doing done.  Cataracts, surgery for ovarian cancer, both knees replaced.  Glad now, was scared before surgery which is normal but for us it layers on top of all the other things going on.

Maybe think of us hugging you all the way into surgery and after you come out until you feel better. :grouphug:

Surgery is scary, for sure. But it sounds like it may be the best option. I used to have pugs and they were prone to eye issues. I know how brutal the medication regime is for a damaged cornea. After one issue I had to set up a spreadsheet to record all the drops and meds! I feel for you. Hugs.

Count me in on the hug from now through the end of surgery.  :bighug:

thanks, rainy, for your support. :hug:

is that what my inner disturbance is, kizzie?  fear?  i guess it's not allowed cuz i'm managing to keep pushing it down every time it begins creeping up.  i'm afraid that the fear about this will overwhelm me, i think.  can't have it, even tho it's normal.  i'm learning, but it's not quite 'normal' for me yet.  thank you for your insight. :hug:

thanks, NK.  it truly is a pain in the butt.  :hug:

armee, you're in.  i did this, something like this, when i was leaving mexico. while waiting in the long line to get to the border, i could see all my forum friends gathered around, standing there, watching over me.  honestly, w/o that image (i was enough of a wreck anyway) i don't know how i could've made it. thanks. :hug:

still no word from the cornea doc, and haven't been able to do emdr processing for 2 weeks. my T told me that even just tapping can cause people to move their eyes. besides which, i really don't want to add anything else on top of my physical problems. like last year in the heat, my body's swollen up and i'm feeling very uncomfortable in my skin.

while all this stuff is going on in our home, it's a lot of the same as before.  last tues. i had enough update to fill 20 min. and i was done. i'm itching to move forward on some of this stuff - images of D1 and my ex have been popping up again, and i have to verbally tell them to go away. we'll see about today.

Ditto on the being part of your invisible support army - hugs at the ready!

 :bighug:

EA, so glad to have you aboard.  i'll definitely use this image and know all of you are with me.  thanks :hug:

moondance, thanks so for that big hug.  love it!  :hug:

i mentioned before that i don't really feel fear about my upcoming eye surgery. today i felt what that fear would feel like and it sent me soaring into the abyss.  my D was out delivering and we normally have a routine when i don't go w/ her, plus there's usually a scheduled time that she's gone.

she usually calls me on her way there and back.  she didn't call me on the way there, but i was ok w/ that pretty much.  however, she was gone about an hour over her normal time, no call, and i felt true fear that something had happened to her, all the way to planning what i'd do if she didn't make it back home.  it was a horrible spiral, which i tried to keep in check, but it overtook me.  i was so afraid i could barely stand it.  ate, smoked, wandered around, called, no answer.  finally she called, explained what happened, but i'm so unused to fear it took me before i could do anything about it.

it was so horrible, and i also had to take extra meds to calm myself down, which doesn't happen very often.  this feeling of fear, terror really, all but laid me out.  so, no, i'm not afraid of the surgery - i feel nothing toward it like i felt today.  the only thing that worries me is the aftercare.  i've been told in the past by an eye doc that the fluid in my eyes is not amenable to contact lenses.  the doc i saw last week wanted to put one on to help w/ the healing and i told her no.  she'd never heard of such a condition, but she didn't push it.  i'll have to talk to the surgeon about that.  ugh!!!  too much!  i'm still recovering from today.

Oh gosh I know that level of fear and how awful it is.  :hug:

It gets extremely intense.

Recovering from surgery will be challenging for all sorts of reasons and its normal to feel or NOT feel fear or trepidation about the surgery or the recovery period.  :grouphug: 

thanks, armee, for the validation.  really appreciated, as well as the 'permission' to feel or not feel any which way. :hug:

my eye is beginning to feel a bit better for longer periods of time now, so that's good. :applause:

my tomato, pepper, and melon plants all have blossoms now, so that's good. :applause:

my body is pretty out of whack from all the meds, so i don't feel comfortable yet going delivering w/ my D  :thumbdown:

i'm feeling sick to death w/ all this medical crapola, how i'm feeling or not, trying not to curl up into a ball and wish it away, appearing strong cuz i can't curl up into a ball, remembering when i almost did for good, and down the hole i go.  all this good stuff, but i swerve into the neg. lane too quickly.  sick of that, too.  just sick.

dang, that didn't take long.  now i feel like crapola when i started here on an up note.  what is wrong w/ me?  i can't regulate my responses to anything anymore, or so it seems.  this stuff sucks!

Sanmagic7 I'm glad your eye is getting somewhat better for longer periods of time.

--------

dang, that didn't take long.  now i feel like crapola when i started here on an up note.  what is wrong w/ me?  i can't regulate my responses to anything anymore, or so it seems.  this stuff sucks!

Yeah that resonates with me.

Thank you for so much  hanging in.

 :bighug:

 :hug:

Hi sanmagic, I just wanted to stop by and offer you a hug and warm thoughts.  I'm sorry you kept having the bad dream several nights ago, and you are dealing with cornea issues.   :bighug: 

I get the fear you are feeling now San and I hope you will tap into the image of all of us here standing beside you when you feel that way offering comfort and support.   :grouphug:

moondance, thank you for that thank you.  it touched me deeply.  :hug:

EA, thanks so much for that hug. :hug:

thanks, NL, i so appreciate your support  :hug:

oh, kizzie, thanks for bringing that image into my present instead of just the future surgery.  that was great. :hug:


someone on the forum was speaking to the idea of boundaries and i realized that lately, when i've been watching shows which have relationships in them  i see how the boundary thing can be played out differently than what i've known.  it amazes me how  characters can react when they believe one of their boundaries has been crossed, especially by lying.  i've been lied to so many times throughout my life, it seems like simply a part of a relationship to be accepted and keep going. so, yeah, finding my boundaries that i didn't even know belonged in my life.

i so appreciate the support i've been getting even as i struggle to accept it and to bring it in to myself.  honestly, i have a difficult time feeling it, but that's been true for me for many, many instances in my life.  i can hear the words 'i love you' but can't really feel them.  at times like this i can realize how robotic i've been, how armored, how out of touch w/ humanity from others. i'm getting a pain in my midsection, as if someone is turning the screws, as if i'm not supposed to be admitting this.

ok, too much.

Hi Sanmagic7

i so appreciate the support i've been getting even as i struggle to accept it and to bring it in to myself.  honestly, i have a difficult time feeling it, but that's been true for me for many, many instances in my life.  i can hear the words 'i love you' but can't really feel them.  at times like this i can realize how robotic i've been, how armored, how out of touch w/ humanity from others. i'm getting a pain in my midsection, as if someone is turning the screws, as if i'm not supposed to be admitting this.

ok, too much.

 :yeahthat: all of that!

 :hug:  :hug:

Quote from: Moondance on July 24, 2023, 04:52:07 PMHi Sanmagic7

i so appreciate the support i've been getting even as i struggle to accept it and to bring it in to myself.  honestly, i have a difficult time feeling it, but that's been true for me for many, many instances in my life.  i can hear the words 'i love you' but can't really feel them.  at times like this i can realize how robotic i've been, how armored, how out of touch w/ humanity from others. i'm getting a pain in my midsection, as if someone is turning the screws, as if i'm not supposed to be admitting this.

ok, too much.

 :yeahthat: all of that!

 :hug:  :hug:

Yes.  Same.  :hug:  :hug: :bighug:

bach and moondance, it kind of shocked me that both of you were able to relate to what i said. sometimes i feel like i'm the only one who has a certain feeling, sensation, experience, and, to be honest, it sometimes also makes me feel special.  there's that gnawing in my gut - i shouldn't admit that.  still, wanting to be special, set apart, noticed (yep, that's what it really is) noticed in a good way for being different has been with me forever.

my chest has now tightened, which is a sign of fear for me, i said too much, admitted too much, will be thought silly or stupid or weird.  it's all in there.  however, when i read both of you saying the same thing, i think i was able to at least begin to turn this corner.  i can't get too existential about it yet, but it's a start at not having to be different/special.

i'll leave it there.  felt like a lot.

 :bighug:

I love you and you are incredibly unique and special. We all share symptoms but who you are under those is what makes you just amazing. Exactly as you are.

I also felt that way about wanting to be special with my symptoms and feelings. We are, really, but this is where us unique ones gather.  :grouphug: It's kind of because the type of abuse we endured is similar. "I love you" for instance being a danger sign instead of an expression of love. Because the people who used it on us did so with intent or end result of harm.

armee, what a response!  thank you so for that big hug and your lovely words. they're beautiful, and so are you. i'm feeling less of a need to feel 'special' now - something about those 2 posts sent me around a corner somewhat, but hearing what you said has pushed me a little bit further, for which i'm grateful. timing. :hug:

i was able to do some processing yesterday w/o bothering my eye (which is pretty much back - a lot less misery) about these thoughts and fears about my D dying.  i somehow got on that train - the other nite she took a bath and i was worried the whole time!  and D1 has taken plenty of opportunities to end it, but never followed thru, so i know she wants to stay alive, too.  at any rate, i was able to put those fears to rest (if not to bed) at least for the time being.

it felt good to be able to tackle an issue again in a meaningful way.  i do miss working on my 'stuff' when i'm unable to for some reason. she also suggested EFT tapping, and i tried a little while we were talking, but honestly, the tapping itself was uncomfortable, and it did some strange stuff to me physically.  i may try a little again, tho - when i tapped the top of my head, it felt like a bunch of i don't know what was released and flowed thru my skull.  strange sensation.  i may want to look into it more.

My heart is with you through these worries. You know I've been there and I know how awful it feels to be listening nonstop. I guess all I can say is it is possible eventually to not fear that anymore. Without letting go of the knowledge that it is always possible. Both those things can be true somehow. Seems like sorcery to me.  :grouphug:

I'm so glad your eye is feeling better enough to do some processing. It might be useful easing yourself into an alternate like tapping for times that the eye is out of commission. I'm so proud of you for being able to try and think about trying again. So many things I've been resistant to at first because of how they make me feel but some of them I've been able to put it my tool box by doing just what you are doing. Try a little stop, try a little again. 

 :hug: as you say, keep on going. San.

I hope you find something to add to your toolbox of managing.  I find tapping to be an odd experience too. 

Hi SanMagic,
I found tapping a bit challenging at first, but over time, I have found it helpful.  I hope it is for you as well - maybe just put gentle tapping pressure rather than anything that makes you feel uncomfortable?
Sending you a big hug  :bighug:
Hope  :)

thanks, all.  can't type - tendonitis.

 :bighug:

thank you armee - love that hug! :hug:

using up my wrist this morning.

armee, thanks for your care and encouragement :hug:

rainy, thank you for your support.  i've done EFT tapping in the past, but as i've gotten more sensitive to touch, it just doesn't work anymore.  :hug:

thanks, hope, for your suggestion.   :hug:

and thanks, armee, for that lovely big hug. back atcha! :bighug:

the tapping i was referencing w/ my T was emdr tapping instead of eye movements.  it's different from EFT tapping.  the emdr tapping works for me, as do the other ways to stimulate neural change like flash technique and eye movements.  both the last 2 involve eye movements, and my eye isn't ready for that yet.  soon.

i called the place for cornea surgery, am waiting to hear back from them.  have no idea when this will happen. *sigh*

my wrist is hurting now.  time to go.

Hi San,

I am hangin' with you whilst you wait to hear from surgery place.

 :bighug:

I wish I could take away at least 25% of your pain and discomfort.  :grouphug:  and that the surgeon would $$#!@@ give you some answers now.

Ah emdr tapping. I also heard someone Jaime Marich I think talk about even using a slinky as bilateral stimulation. The bouncing it from one hand to the other and that seems genius to me.

moondance, i appreciate you being here with me.  thanks. :hug:

armee, i know you would if you could. i love the slinky adaptation!  thanks for being on my side. :hug:

T this morning.  my D and i had a financial talk yesterday, and all is not well.  she calculates 2 months of not having to worry. i'm rethinking this surgery.  we just don't have room for doc bills right now.  i can get the referral again, maybe next year.  in the meantime i've got all my drops and ointments and it's pretty much back to normal. 

i simply hate this crapola.

i'm quite sure my wrist thing was once more a product of stress and my penchant for creating loads of inflammation at an unexpected area in my body.  this kind of thing has happened on more than one occasion before.  it's all just too much.

Before you cancel the surgery...and I am so sorry you have to choose this way....is this someplace that might have a financial counselor or social worker on staff who can help see if there is assistance somewhere available?

Geez San, so sorry to hear surgery is out for you. I'm from Canada so I don't know your system but like Armee I wonder if there is anywhere you might get some help?  Surely there's some assistance for folks who cannot afford surgery or am I being naïve?

Ugh. I'm so sorry you are having to think of putting the surgery on hold. I agree with the others who are suggesting you investigate whether there might be some source of financial help. The doctor may even know of some source of help. Eyes are so fragile and precious.
 

Armee, Kizzie, NK - thank you all for your thoughts, suggestions, and compassion. you are all so important in my life.  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

my T said she was heartbroken to hear about me not getting the surgery. 

i talked w/ my D yesterday about this and she doesn't want me NOT to go thru w/ it, either.  we'll take a wait and see attitude about when the surgery might be available and how we are financially situated at the time.  she also talked about how we would pay it off a very little bit each month.  nope, i just looked it up - gotta negotiate payments w/ the clinic.  *sigh* just reading about all of it overwhelmed me.

others here have been talking about trauma brain.  mine just went into overdrive.

I hope that a way forward will become clearer.

Quote from: rainydiary on August 02, 2023, 08:21:36 PMI hope that a way forward will become clearer.

:yeahthat:  :bighug: to you san!

San words escape me so I send an empathetic  :bighug:

thanks, rainy.  i hope so, too. :hug:

blueberry, love that big hug.  i know you're on my side. :hug:

moondance, that big hug was wonderful.  thank you so. :hug:

spent a very nervous, anxious day today. i found myself thinking of a lot of good things around me, and wondered at the fact that i can't stay with those.  my mind continually goes to future catastrophes or past hurting memories.  i wish i could live day to day - i try really hard, just get from one day to another, and i've been accomplishing that.  it's just that i carry so much mental/emotional/physical pain w/ me every day, the good things slip away under the burden of the not so good.  too much.  i hate it and wish i could cry.

Geez San I so get how you are feeling - sadly I really do - it's just too much

 :bighug:

sad, indeed, moondance.  sorry you do.  it sucks. :hug:

I wish you could cry too. Only partly because then you could teach me how to.   ;D

I'm sorry San. There's a lot asking for release and attention. Perhaps you can carve out 30 minutes a day to appreciate the good parts and ask the crappola to hang on and wait its turn. It gets to eat the remaining 23.5 hrs of your day. But it doesn't really work like that. A classic CBT assignment is to just set a timer for 15 minutes a day to ruminate and then not ruminate when it isn't that time. Lol. Amateurs.

I hope you can find a brief moment of peace and comfort today. Perhaps we find a cool but sunny meadow. No ticks. It's still spring time there and we can lay in the soft not itchy grass and look at the wildflowers and bees who don't sting us and laugh about funny parts of our past and none of the bad stuff will come to mind, just the funny things.

I would agree with Armee. If you can get to a park, maybe, or some kind of green spot, just sit and hang out for 20 or 30 minutes. Just sit and focus on the things you hear, see, feel, etc. Like, "right now it's warm" or "there is a breeze on my face" or "that patch of grass near a sprinkler is quite green", etc. It's a low-effort option and sometimes refreshing. Wishing you peace and hugs.

thank you armee, for you care and concern.  as far as crying goes, i have sometimes been able to channel tears while watching an emotional scene in a tv show/movie, and bring them around to me.  i end up sobbing, but i know it's good for me.  it's an effort, but on the occasions i've been able to do that i knew i was releasing poison.

i took your advice yesterday, focused on the fact that i have my D in my life, and that my little patio garden was surrounding me and that was it. i could focus on those for a minute, but they went away and i couldn't feel anything about them simply was able to acknowledge they were there and good.  maybe it takes practice. :hug:

Hey, CF, thanks for your suggestions.  as i said to armee, i've tried it, not really any joy (well, i didn't feel anything) but i know my D and my plants are good for me and i'm glad they're w/ me.  i wish i could get back into walking thru the woods, but those days are gone now. i used to love it, tho.  :hug:

i think i'm more armored these days, cuddled up in myself against these threats (as i see them) are looming. i feel like i'm beginning to disintegrate, like i'm sliding downhill toward the end.  i know, very dark place.  still, that's where i am, battling every day to stay just ok. once again i'm seeing my age and also seeing the effects that everyday life have on me and the idea that i'll ever feel 'good' keeps slipping farther away.

it's all been too much and i'm so ready to let go, but i'm trapped by my sense of motherhood right now and can't do anything but be thankful for this day and another opportunity to help my D. otherwise, i just go from here to there, whatever's needed from or asked of me. thank everything i have a book i can write on and escape into that world for 15 min. or so.  which just struck me, that's a happy place for me, per armee and CF, where i can go to escape for a few minutes.  sometimes a half hour.  yeah, i'm glad of that.

The book sounds like a great idea.  :hug:

I'm sorry you are in a big dark hole right now. I wonder if you'll find anything interesting in there? Like those crazy fish at the darkest depths of the ocean.

those fish are indeed crazy and wonderful at the same time, armee.  thanks for another perspective.  :hug:

pretty horrible day yesterday, bathroom wise, especially since we were at the food bank and i had to run into the walgreems several times in a couple of hours. so very stressful to go thru that. and it also put a lot of fear into me about going w/ my D for her delivery job.  we can't just stop every time i need to go, and aren't always around a bathroom, for that matter.  the aftermath was exhaustion, distress, and i've never felt so glad to be home that i can remember.  not good.

so, i feel bad if i can't keep my D company while she delivers.  a few days ago, she was already tired, it was towards the end, and she didn't see a woman in the crosswalk. i had to say 'look out' twice before she slammed on the brake. she would have hit that woman broadside.  so thankful i was there, and this scenario also runs thru my mind now.  but, on the other hand, if i'm not able, i'm not able.  horns of a dilemma, indeed! 

one more thing to be concerned about. i would've thought that after nearly 3 yrs. of therapy 2x/week, things would be better.  instead, with all the crapola i'm uncovering, realizing, feeling for the first time, i feel worse some days, even tho when i first started i was in absolute crisis. still, my protective 'gray lady' came out, and my T told me a while ago, when we were talking about that part of me which has no personality at all, that she remembers meeting her at our first session.  said she'd never seen someone so 'flat and emotionless' before.

my days go from 'ok' to worse. i'm just in some kind of pain all the time, some sort of unease or distress every minute. i've surrounded myself w/ my favorite things, and have my D here, but she's struggling, too, and that's always upsetting to me, too.

oh, rambling, venting, just putting stuff on the paper now. i'm still grateful for my D, my garden, my writing, and this forum. just down in the dumps, not feeling except for vague unease. i struggle to hang on, to keep going. too much.

i am so down. wrote the letter for the disability folks for my D and it depressed me so i had to stop.  just need to drop it here.  i'm on the verge of tears right now.  i don't know how we'll be able to manage come fall.

 :bighug: infinity hugs for you and D. :bighug:

:bighug: if you feel it appropriate.

I'm so sorry you're also in a deep dark place. Maybe we can see each other and give a frendly wave. What I'm trying to say is that as dark as it is, you're not alone. We're here for you. I'm here for you.

Even if the world is really dark today, one day it won't be. It's just a matter of time and making it there. But we survived horrid things already. We'll make it. One day the world will not be dark anymore.

Hang in there :hug:

 :bighug:

I'm sorry San for how difficult this is.

armee, those big hugs for us are so beautiful.  thank you so. :hug:

DD, i always always love those big hugs.  thank you for that and your support. :hug:

moondance, i so appreciate that big hug and your support.  thank you.  :hug:

talked to my T yesterday, told her i feel like parts of myself are disappearing, and that concerned her. she knows about the financial stuff, and as a trauma T said she really hasn't worked w/ someone who has concerns like this in real time.  she asked me if i could simply hold onto the fact that we still have 2 good months left, and leave the worry/fear behind for these 2 months.

i told her that even when i went to mex. w/ a few thousand dollars in my pocket, and planned to either die on the beach when the money ran out, or make my way back to the states, find another job, and carry on again, i never felt afraid.  now that i'm beginning to get some feelings back and can recognize them, i push this fear waaay to the back of my mind, but this time i'm aware it's there, and that's a very different thing for me.

i think that's what's chipping away at my being.  the fear is there, it's real about a real situation that i can't fix. told her i'm feeling helpless and hopeless.  even if we make it for 3 months, that's just prolonging this agony.  i've been homeless in the past for a couple weeks, but, as i say, i had no fear.  i always had faith in myself that i'd be able to deal w/ whatever came along. that faith is gone as my body continues to break down, and my memory dwindles.  i'm just battling like * to stay sane and viable.  don't know how long that's gonna last anymore, and that's scaring me, too.

 :fallingbricks:   it's too much.

Yeah I get it San - it's just too much.

I'm hoping for you (if that's okay) that a glimmer of hope comes your way however that might show up for you. 

In our darkest moments we still matter, YOU matter so much to so many.  :hug:  We may not be able to really feel that or take it in but it's true.  I love animals and follow rescue's online because it gives me hope for myself and it also helps me to grieve.  Some of them, when rescued are physically at their end.  That's how I feel much of the time.  I guess that's where the hope comes in. K, now I'm rambling and this may not ve helpful to you at all.  Just trying to say YOU matter just as you are. 

 :bighug:

I'm just hoping for a miracle relief for you somehow.   :hug:

and so do you, moondance. thank you for that big warm hug. and, yes, it's absolutely ok to wish for something positive for me.  i appreciate it and you. :hug:

armee, hoping for a miracle is exactly what i told my T on tues. you read my mind. i appreciate that energy being flung into the universe.  thank you for that. :hug:

my D tried to reassure me yesterday that we have enough money for 3 months. i told her that the new component working against me now is being able to feel fear, that i can't get rid of it. she agreed that it sucks having to live w/ fear.  i'm sure i wouldn't be here today if i'd had this emotion alive and well during my lifetime.  it's too horrible, and i've been in too many situations where it might have crippled me if i would have felt it. no, i cannot imagine a life filled w/ fear. so awful.

so, that's as far of a future i can look at right now. 3 months. after that, i really don't know. don't know where or how i'll be. a client who was going to bring in a month's worth of revenue in october had to cancel, put it off till next year.  yeah, that great news came yesterday.  :fallingbricks: 

i just feel so bad, so helpless, so hopeless and i have tears in my eyes as i write this. besides these financial sorrows, i still have to continue to watch my D struggle with her issues, which breaks my heart on a daily basis. i'm scared for her, too.  :fallingbricks:  and work at keeping myself sane and not going off the deep end. :fallingbricks:

i'm so on edge that last nite, after my D and i had already gone to our own rooms for the night, she softly knocked on my door to show me something and i jumped, my heart skipped several beats, and i nearly started hyperventilating. i ended up in a near anxiety-attack state.   :fallingbricks:

that's too many bricks.

Way too many bricks. Maybe EMS could zoom by :witch: and remove some for a little while, to give you a little break.  :bighug:  :bighug:

Hi Sanmagic,

I'm physically lifting some of the bricks off  :bighug: and throwing them as far as I can over my shoulder.

That thought just popped up so there it is - hopefully helpful to you.

blueberry, thank you so much.  maybe she can, if i can remember to bring her into the fray.  love those big hugs! :hug:

moondance, i so appreciate the help w/ this.  and that big hug. thanks a ton.  :hug:

T in a bit.  i was laughing out loud w/ my D yesterday, and it felt good to have a break from the dismality (if that isn't a word, i'm making it one!) of me.

but talking here and to my T, i'm all back in the dumps after focusing on what i'm fearing, struggling with, trying to avoid.  i don't know how to reconcile the two.  it's good to get it out, but it brings it all to the fore and that's not so good.  ugh!  i hate this crapola!

 :cheer:  hoorah for a brief break from dismality which should absolutely be a word.

I struggled a lot with anticipatory fear during the last years of my mom's life. My T tried to tell me not to worry about something that hasn't happened yet. Which seemed impossible and mostly was and made me quite angry with him.

But there were some brief moments I caught myself panicking and realized all I was doing was making the days where nothing was presently wrong miserable while worrying about how i would handle the miserable days to come.

In the end yes it was absolutely as awful as I dreaded but I wish I had found a way to not waste the days that were good on that awful stuff. Mostly it's impossible not to worry ahead of time but I wish for some brief breaks from the worry for you to enjoy the present moments where you have what you need.  :grouphug:

Sanmagic, I'm very sorry that you are in this difficult spot.  I'm sending warm thoughts your way, and prayers, if that is OK.  I'm here rooting for you and your D, along with the rest of us.   :grouphug:

Hi San,

  i was laughing out loud w/ my D yesterday, and it felt good to have a break from the dismality (if that isn't a word, i'm making it one!) of me.

So glad to hear you had a bit of a relief.  Yep dismality of me - I really like this new word of yours and again I so relate to it.

 :bighug:   

armee, dismality it is!!!  i understand what you're saying.  i also used to hear from my F that 'worry is an insult to God'. 12-steps - let go and let God.  i didn't used to worry like this, more of a 'what will be will be' or 'whatever happens i'll deal w/ it' kind of attitude.  the main difference here is this newfound, newly felt fear.  didn't have that before and it's put a whole new spin on anticipation.  don't know how to deal w/ future while the fear is now present.  i'm in new territory and it's navigating me instead of the other way around.  thank you for your care. :hug:

NL, warm thoughts and prayers are always welcome. thank you so much, too, for being in my corner.  love it!  :hug:

moondance, the thing is, i have several moments during the day where my D and i laugh, cry at silly sitcoms, i write and get lost in that world for a bit, so i do have breaks, albeit small ones. and i'm grateful for them. unfortunately, i also get triggered by situations even in silly sitcoms that send me spiraling, so, while i enjoy the breaks, i also have a lot of unresolved issues that pop up anywhere, at anytime.  i would love to have more of those breaks, tho.  they're wonderful. :hug:

talked to my T about the idea that i feel worse talking about my situation, than better for getting it out, and she said that often happens w/ situations which are unresolvable.  it's like running my mind over burrs, back and forth, again and again, but there is no ending to the pain/fear/whatever that way. so, i'm done writing about it unless something changes.

i also talked to her about living w/ this fear, and she said, basically, i need practice feeling it, knowing how to live w/ it like everyone else, and that will only come w/ time.  i know fear is a warning to ourselves that danger is present, i just never thought of myself in danger.

we also talked about my propensity for living in fantasy, making up stories to make my life palatable, and how i'm realizing that this began when i was about 4, when my doll was disappeared w/o an explanation.  just there one night, gone the next. i made up a story on the spot that a fairy king needed her help and took her away w/ him. even at that age, it never occurred to me to tell my mom, ask her anything about it, cry about it, feel any kind of way except to make up a fantasy. i can feel anger about that right now.

and i've lived my life that way.  when things didn't go as i wanted w/ certain relationships or whatever, i'd make up a story to assuage what i presume to be pain and hurt, which i didn't feel. i used a fantasy so as not to be overwhelmed by the situation, as a plausible explanation to help me feel rational during an irrational time.  then my T said something that hit me later in the day (i'm always several beats behind) - your parents set you on that track.

as that sentence filtered thru my mind all day, i realized how much of my life was made up of lives just to keep me alive and sane.  and, absolutely, my parents set me on that path.  if i didn't know i could reach out to my mom about something so devastating to me at that young of an age (and i learned in real terms that i couldn't do that w/ either of my folks when i was 13), how could i possibly take care of myself from such a young age w/o going to fantasyland? a survival mechanism, indeed!

well, that wore me out.  had a bad case of stress flu yesterday from all this.  need to rest more today.  just wanted to get this out of me.

 :bighug:
Fear must be a horrible feeling...I say because I'm still a few decades behind you in terms of learning to feel things other than shame.  :hug:

I do know I felt anger the other night which I normally don't (because i magically turn it to shame, maybe the way you turn feelings into stories) and it was so physically uncomfortable that I could not rest or sleep. It felt awful.

So just  :bighug:

New feelings are horrible until one gets used to them. I'm also learning to tolerate fear, anger, and a host of others. It's not easy. So a :hug: to San and everyone else on this path, if appropriate.

yeah, armee, fear is the worst thing i've felt. i used to get pain in my chest which i finally identified as fear, even tho i wasn't feeling it at the time. it was a revelation to understand what that tightness meant. i wish i could feel more anger cuz i know i've got a lot to be angry about.  i wish i could feel it as it comes so i could let it out in spurts, rather than having it ball up inside and i finally explode when i can't take anymore.  ugh!  thank you for your support and validation. and also for those marvelous big hugs. :hug:

hey, DD, being very new to being able to identify, let alone feel, feelings, yep, this has been a trial. i just wish i could feel or even realize the rest of the scale of feelings.  happy, joy, humiliation, shame (altho i don't want to work on that one too much - sounds awful) and all the rest. only once or twice in my life have i felt things like shame or guilt.  sadness was the one feeling i knew and carried w/ me and felt.  this emotion rollercoaster is so weird.  thank you for your support. :hug:

got so triggered by a situation in a sitcom last nite - people were making fun of the pregnant mom/wife for being so 'huge'.  both my hubs did that to me when i was pregnant w/ their children, and it hurt, i felt humiliated, demeaned, and angry they had the audacity to do such a thing.  most of those feelings didn't present themselves until many years later, but i do remember feeling humiliated byhub1 cuz he said it in front of a buddy and they both laughed, and very hurt by my ex cuz i'd specifically told him about the previous incident and asked him not to do that, and he ended up doing it anyway. and now i want to cry.

 :bighug:  :bighug:

Hi San,

Being made fun of, being laughed at whether seeing it happen to someone else or myself is triggering.  It makes my eyes roll in my head. That has happened to us way to many times.

I'm sorry San that neither of them were able to really cherish you or  honor your boundaries.  That is so very hurtful and disrespectful to you.  You didn't deserve that - you deserved so so much more. 

moondance, thanks for those wonderful big hugs, and for your caring words.  i agree, this kind of thing has happened to us far too often, and i still get triggered by it. ugh!  wonder if that will ever end.  :hug:

i've been struggling w/ the heat, and today's the first day we're getting a break in what seems like a very long time.  it has stressed me out, and my D as well, and i've gotten very sensitive to any little trigger, word, look - like i told my T, what should be a pinprick feels like a power drill.  i'm hoping we'll be able to breathe a little for a few days at least before another hot day rears its ugly head.

so, i've been laying low, very lethargic, super low energy.  i did go out for some shopping yesterday, and just that little trip in the heat did me in for the rest of the day.  i'm suspecting much of this is due to my age as well - i just can't take heat like i used to. another realization that i'm truly in the latter part of my life and with that comes all kinds of its own challenges, including the challenge of acceptance.

Partially age, partially triggers, and also the type of brutal heat many areas have been experiencing is just extremely challenging. There's a reason crime increases with heat. Hugs filled with cool breezes and energy.  :bighug:

Hi San - so glad your getting a break from the heat.

I used to love basking in the sun, enjoyed the heat but agree with you that age changes things.  It has been hotter than usual this year where I'm at as well.  I find it difficult to be in the heat to long and I absolutely have to bring water with me or I feel faint with heat and no water.

Wishing you a cool, breezy day so that the power drill feel goes back to being a pinprick feel or no pinprick feel would be best.



 

armee, yeah, a little bit of everything, i'm sure.  the stress of it has wreaked havoc on my body in various ways.  hopefully i get back to my 'normal' soon.  thank you so for your support. :hug:

moondance, me too.  used to love laying in the sun.  thanks for the wish of a cool day.  in about another week, from what i can see.  :hug:

well, the smoke from surrounding fires, including from canada, has hit our area, but from what i read it'll stay high enough so as not to be much of a bother.  still, this morning, the sun was shining into our living room, as usual, but instead of gold stripes, they were red.  here in my room as well - sunshine on the wall is red.  looked out, sure enough, the sun is a bright cherry red right now.  it's the oddest  sight.

hopefully we won't get any ash dropping on us.  i've been in that position and it wasn't any fun at all.  otherwise i'm ok today, just tired, but that's part of my life that doesn't go away anymore. *sigh* going to watch some tennis - that'll be good.

Hi Sanmagic7- I hope you don't get any ash either and that the smoke clears up soon.  It's been pretty awful with fires this year.

Yes the past week I've been extremely tired but yes I always feel so tired - some times are worse than others. All to say I agree it's not something that will go away - part of day to day life.

 :bighug:

Hi SanMagic,
I hope that you are staying safe with the weather and heat, and I also hope that you are enjoying watching some tennis.
Sending you a hug -  :hug:
Hope  :)

moondance, i believe you're correct - tired is now normal. it may always have been that way for me, at least as an adult, but i covered it up w/ substances, and i don't use them anymore, so my true self can make itself heard.  thanks for that big hug.  :hug:

hope, so far so good w/ the heat, altho another wave is upon us starting tomorrow.  hopefully that will be the last of it till next summer.  and, yes, i have been enjoying tennis. the u.s. open starts next week.  there's some great tennis being played, i've got a new fav player, and it's both relaxing and on the edge exciting at times.  thanks for remembering!  :hug:

talked w/ my T about what's going on w/ me, i've spoken about it already, but won't go into details anymore cuz it really brought me down yesterday. talked about how my eating has gotten so out of control and she reminded me about the amount of stress i'm carrying. i told her i didn't even think of that, cuz i've been carrying stress for so long that i hardly notice it day to day, only when my body acts up do i know i'm overstressed.

but, full-on stress is my normal, has been for quite some time, decades.  anyway, giving me the stress card to play helped me not be so hard on myself for something i was doing that i know a lot of the answers to (dang, i wrote a book on it!) but i guess i lost my knowledge when it came to me.  it's like i can spot this stuff in clients, but i can't be my own therapist cuz my vision is clogged w/ my own crapola.

it was very disheartening, however, to realize the solid reasons i have for being over-stressed. she said we basically can't do any processing of it cuz it's all real and in the present.  i felt out of it when the session was over and had a lovely anxiety attack last nite.

that was something else i brought up was the feeling i'm getting now when my D goes to her room for the night. once she leaves, i feel like everything gets sucked out of me and i'm a shell. none of me is left. it's been disconcerting to feel that.

this is all too much.

Hi SanMagic,
That's a lot, and I'm sorry you're feeling disheartened.  I hope you don't mind my commenting that I also felt frustrated that your T said she couldn't do any processing with you because things are 'all real and in the present' - I would think that things in the real and the present can also be processed too? 

I had therapy a long time back, and remember my T talking about rituals being safe and grounding, and it made me wonder whether there might be some kind of protective comforting thing you could think to do, when your D goes to her room for the night, that could involve you really feeling some cosiness to replace the feeling of being a shell.  Maybe having a cuddly toy to hold, or a blanket and hot chocolate (or other comforting thing).  I don't know, and I apologise for suggesting things here, but I really feel like you need a hug of comfort and safety at the moment, and I care about you.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Such a disconcerting feeling. I had that feeling once and it was a terrifying feeling. I felt like I was floating away with no anchor on my walk to the train station for work. I am usually very independent but NEEDED to see my H or it felt like i was just going to untether from earth. I walked quickly to the local coffee shop instead of the train station just praying that he would be there at the same time getting a cup of coffee before work. He was there. I hugged him for dear life and almost burst into tears. It felt like I was going to die if I didn't find him.

I am not needy but that feeling I imagine is a bit like what you feel when your daughter goes to her room and it is an awful feeling San. I don't know why it happens but it sucks. Would a photo help? Maybe taken from her doorway of her in her room as a visual reminder she's right there? Or a string under the door if she's willing?

 :bighug:

The stuff is real but I wonder if flash wouldn't help anyway? There's something of a tapping into epiphanies with emdr that allows things to settle.

I remember one day I could not tell my T about really horrific nightmares. They were too unspeakable even compared to what I've told him about other things. I could not even hint here at what they were. He suggested flash and within a couple rounds I felt deep inside I could tell him and he was safe even though before starting there was no way.

So I wonder if flash might help soften the fear even as the thing itself is real and scary? In the end I trust you and your Ts instinct so just a thought to mull but I don't mean you SHOULD do this. Just I personally wonder.

I hope I didn't veer too much into advice. I do hate to see you suffer.  :hug:

hope, i truly appreciate thoughts, ideas, opinions, suggestions, observations, etc., mainly becuz i can't see everything, don't always know how i'm feeling emotionally, don't have a stable, true sense of my 'self'. so thank you for your comments, suggestions, and opinions.  they are more than welcome.  i've lived nearly my entire life thru other people, how they act/react and oftentimes still do. i told my T to keep telling me things like i'm super stressed right now cuz being stressed feels normal and i can't always know.

when i said 'processing' i meant emdr processing which is useful for trauma and things like flashbacks and triggers.  she is very gentle w/ me cuz of what's happened, how i've reacted at times (like being overwhelmed for 2 weeks by a new emotion that popped up from an old memory). she is very concerned and utilized everything she knew to help me problem solve for a way to be able to get a cheaper place to live, asked me to give her all this worry and fear, she'd hold it for me so i'm not so inundated. thank you for your concern, tho, hope. it's just that since this financial thing is ever present in real time, i'm actually showing feelings and emotions that are appropriate.  it's just that, on top of my traumatic past, my concerns are putting me over the top. your hug of comfort and safety felt really good.  thanks for that.  wonderful.  :hug:

armee, i get the idea of trying to think about what might helps someone in a situation where they're hurting, and i could feel the realness of that in your post. i know you're coming from a place of concern, so your advice is welcome!  unfortunately, altho i've used flash technique almost exclusively in the past year, since my eye went wonky anything to do w/ eye movements have been off the table.  we did try tapping once, and that seemed ok, so i might try that again. after i read your response, i did try moving my eyes side to side and it just didn't feel good, so i've still got to let that method of processing go.

but part of my problem is feeling the fear for the first time, which is what's so difficult to manage right now. my T and others have said it's something i'll need to learn to live w/, but i've had so little practice up to now. so the danger is real and present, and it is a danger, so fear is appropriate here, but since i haven't been friends with fear in forever, i just don't know how to get along with it and it's overwhelming all my senses, tools, thought processes, and way to be. and it's stressing me out as well, so i'm pretty messed up right now. :hug:

i have no doubt this new *actually, i've felt like this before, but it went away as i was getting more sense of self) feeling of being a shell is related to not only the fear, but the stress and tension it's brought along w/ it. i've had anxiety attacks the past 2 nites, which started after talking w/ my T about all this. She told me how my eating is directly related to the amount of stress i'm under, and i appreciated that insight, cuz it took a lot of shame and guilt off me. i asked her to do more of that for me, tell me how someone would normally be reacting or feeling, cuz i have so little sense of it for myself.

i feel like i'm rambling.  i so appreciate the support, care, and concern for me cuz i'm in a pretty bad place. thank you all.

 :hug:

Just sending tons of love to you, San.  :grouphug:

And yeah it makes so much sense to be very very cautious with anything approaching "processing" given the potential for things to come up when you are in a really fragile place right now. And it's OK to be fragile. I don't mean that as an insult. I've been in fragile places too where things can easily tip the boat.  :hug: When it does come time to dip toes back in...the way I've done flash doesn't involve any eye movements because there was about 6 months where I literally couldn't do them. It was just either tapping my knees (myself, NOT T) or butterfly hugs across the body. No eye movements. But flash was mostly a disaster for me. We can only try to find what works for our own unique pain points.

I'm here, caring.

 :hug: from me as well San. Definitely been in some fragile states myself from time to time and it's just hard I know.  Sending some gentile comfort your way.

 :bighug:  :bighug:

thanks for the hug, EA. :hug:  back to you

armee, i appreciate you putting the term 'fragile' out there. yes, it fits. i've only ever called it feeling weak (not in a bad way), but fragile may be more precise, as in easy to break. yeah, i'm at that point for sure.

the way i've used flash was w/ eye blinks, and it's worked so very well for me.  i'll ask my T today about tapping, if she knows how to do it that way. for now i think she's just trying to help me stabilize.  thanks for the info.  :hug:

kizzie, that gentle comfort made me want to cry. thank you. :hug:

beautiful big hugs, moondance.  thanks :hug:

thank goodness i can keep my head in the writing world for a bit at a time. i finished a first draft of my own, so now it gets gone over w/ a nitpicking fine comb (ewww - i actually had to do that once for my D1 - not fun!) and i'm editing my D's newest. it really helps keep me away from remembrances and present-day fears. at least for 1/2 hr. or so. 

fragile really fits well, and i totally felt it yesterday.  my D was out delivering, needed to come home early cuz she was freaking out about some physical stuff. i could feel w/in myself how badly i felt for her, going thru one more thing, but what popped out of my mouth was a joke rather than a comfort. i could feel myself cracking open and could not take one more second of anything neg.

it made me realize how tight i've been holding myself against this financial stuff, my stuff, and my D's stuff. fragile fits for sure. being on the breaking point is too much.

Ah darn I forgot about the blinking part.  :'(

Gentle soft hugs of fuzzy blankets

Sanmagic7,

I'm with you in all of this  :bighug:

Sitting with you san :bighug:  :bighug:

The fact that a joke popped out of your mouth instead of words of comfort tells me in itself that everything is too much.

Gentle friendly :bighug: san

A joke is not always bad either. If I am in a state, my SO will often crack a joke to get my mind in a different space. And it's ok too. It shows he cares for my mental state.

Words of comfort can come later too.

thanks, armee, for all the soft. :hug:

i appreciate you being w/ me, moondance :hug:

blueberry, you actually brought tears to my eyes.  thank for recognizing what that joke meant.  :hug:

DD, i understand about the joke thing being pos. at times.  at this time it wasn't at all - it was a fright reflex, which is not where a good joke comes from. thank you for that big hug :hug:

my T helped me relieve some of my stress yesterday in a big way.  we decided that me going on deliveries w/ my D, especially for the evenings, is not a good idea at all for me.  i listed all the things i'm stressed about concerning prep time, if i can eat, when i can eat, water consumption, anxiety, dealing w/ her frustration if she can't find the right apt. to deliver to, etc. - it's too much.  once we reached that conclusion, i let out several breaths of relief, huge ones, and i knew it was the stress over this that was being emitted.

so, that was good.  then, last evening, my D told me we have enough to pay bills for sept. it's come down to one month, and we don't know if or how that will happen for oct. so, my gut took a nose dive, and the fear has engulfed me again.  i can barely stand it, am ready to tap out.  how long can one person stay strong? too much.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 24, 2023, 04:46:40 PMShe told me how my eating is directly related to the amount of stress i'm under, and i appreciated that insight, cuz it took a lot of shame and guilt off me. i asked her to do more of that for me, tell me how someone would normally be reacting or feeling, cuz i have so little sense of it for myself.

I'm so glad she gave you that insight! and that you were then able to translate that into shedding a lot of the shame and guilt. It's you who took her information on board and did the shedding :yes:  :applause:  Also great self-care in asking her to give you similar insights going into the future :thumbup:  :cheer:

I resonate with most of the post that the bit I quoted is part of. I'm also eating as if there's no tomorrow, so you were not alone there the other day. Not that two non-healthy responses make one healthy one, but we will both move back out of that phase, as we have both done in our own time in the past.  :hug:  :hug:

thanks for all the kindness, blueberry. :hug:

i'm really not up for responding to others right now - too much bogging me down.  wish i could cuz i love you all

You're welcome san :hug:  :hug:

 :bighug:  :hug:

thanks blueberry and armee.

i've been having a breakdown the past 2 days.  all this 'too much' has been too much, indeed. i'm out for the count on the forum. love and hugs :grouphug:

 :bighug:

Take your time San. Take care. We'll be here when you feel like it again.

Even in your absence you'll be thought of daily. Hugs will be coming your way on the regular.  :grouphug:

moondance, DD, and my dear armee, thank you for your well wishes.  so appreciated.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

can't say how many times i came here, hoping to write, but just couldn't.  even now, everything is pushed way down, can't talk about it.  this has all been too much.

Nice to see you back, san :hug:  :hug:

 :bighug:

 :bighug:

sanmagic7,

Adding my well wishes, hugs and concern for you.

Thinking of you and sending good wishes san  :hug:

Sending you a big hug SanMagic, and thinking of you  :bighug:
Hope  :)

blueberry, armee, moondance, lakelynn, bach, and hope - thank you for the hugs and the concern. at this point, i'm pretty much broken, just surviving. writing this brought tears to my eyes. :grouphug:

Im sorry San - thinking of you.

Warm, cozy, comforting blankets being sent your way to wrap yourself in.

 :bighug:

 :bighug:  :bighug:

 :bighug:

I'm so sorry to hear how much of a difficult time you are having right now.

 :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

San, I'm sorry it's been too hard. Just surviving is a really tough place.

Thinking of you, san  :hug:

moondance, starting healing, armee, notalone, and bach - thank you so much for those wonderful caring big hugs and your thoughts of me. i really appreciate not being forgotten. this has been the toughest long haul i've had, a breakdown, questioning my sanity, unable to write about anything cuz it made it roar back at me tenfold. now i'm in the midst of stress flu, brought on by getting my 2 vaccines a week ago when i was already stressed to the breaking point. i don't regret them, getting sick from any of those viruses would most likely kill me, and i haven't gotten either since the beginning. it has been miserable, i've been miserable, and i can't believe i'm still here, but i am. hugs and love to all of you for being with me.  :grouphug:

i'm still tottering emotionally and mentally, still can't talk about anything nor respond to anyone, but please know you're all in my heart.

Tottering says to me that things are really bad and really shakey but that you're on your feet sometimes, at least sort of, literally and figuratively-speaking, which is a little more hopeful than total collapse on the floor for weeks on end. I'm NOT trying to diminish the really hard time that you're going through and how long it's been going on for, I just mean I see a little glimmer of hope there.

Keep taking care of you as best you can :bighug:  :bighug:

Sending love, hugs, and support.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a heartfelt hug  :hug:  and a big hug as well  :bighug:
Hope  :)

Gentle hugs, San. Even when I don't post much, my thoughts are with you here.

 :bighug:

Dear SanMagic,
Just wanted to say that I miss you, and hope you're ok.  Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

blueberry, armee, hope (2x), CF. moondance, thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts. those hugs are wonderful as are all of you. i appreciate each and every one of you.

tottering may seem hopeful, but for me it takes all the energy and more to keep one foot on the ledge.  i'm too consumed w/ all the negativity going on around and within me to see anything as hopeful.

dang, once again, so dark. unfortunately, i'm not ok. today w/ my T i said i thought therapy was going to help me feel better but it's making me worse. not only do we still have the instability of if we'll have a place to live in 2 mos., but becuz i've had no feelings for forever, each time one gets through it's like a tsunami and i get pulled under wondering if i'll get my head above water once again.  this crapola is killing me.

love and hugs to everyone.  :grouphug:

Hi San. I'm so sorry things are so dark. You are loved and special and beautiful. 

There have been times the pain was so great that my normally skilled therapist couldn't touch it and I felt really alone like nothing could help or fix it. The only things that helped in that time was my husband accepting and validating the pain. And you just being here for me having a few words that also validated how I was feeling sometimes even before I knew I was feeling it.

This darkness sounds so very heavy. Crushing. Maybe so much that your power of imagination...which I see as one of your most powerful strengths...can't even cut through it. Not knowing where you will live or if you will survive is terrifying. Traumatic.

In my book you have every right to feel as dark as you do right now, though I sure wish there was some magic way to ease the pain and uncertainty and fear.

All I got is this weird hug emoti though.... :bighug:  :bighug:  :bighug: 

You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and hopes, San. Please if it is helpful come share your burdens here with us when it feels useful.

As you have said to me so many times with a power to soothe so much of my pain...

Love and hugs, my dear sweet San.

Armee

armee, you mean so much to me, too.  everything you said, well, you nailed it. too much is covered or gone now. unfortunately, talking about anything brings it all up and it rips thru me.  for now, thank you. :hug:

Sorry, san, I obviously got that wrong with the tottering.

EMS? Healing Porch? I bet we could fly you onto the Healing Porch, no steps required. Also no edge you can totter on or fall off.

Sending hugs and OOTS energy :hug:  :hug:

blueberry, you brought tears to my eyes w/ your care and support.  thank you. :hug:

i miss this family/community. i have no words. i am broken more than ever. i am afraid, tense, stressed. i wish i could not have feelings again. somehow therapy has continually made me feel worse, whether from neg. therapy or pos. i can't catch hold of myself anymore. speaking w/ my T, tho, helps at least stabilize me, so that's good. i'm out of thinking i will get better. i know i won't. this has truly been too much.

 :bighug:  :bighug:

 :hug:  :hug: :bighug:

Hoping for some light for you soon.

San,

I read Armee's response, and I resonate with every word. You are truly special. You are kind. You say beautiful things to me when I need comfort. Your kindness is such a big part of who you are.

I want to plagiarize Amree's response. I couldn't say it better in my own words, so I'm going to nod in full agreement with hers.

You are in my thoughts. Your burdens are heavy. I hope these hugs you're getting from us all at least remind you that your friends here in the forum really do care. We are connected through our words.

:bighug: 

blueberry, bach, PC, those hugs are wondrously beautiful as were the kind, caring thoughts and words.  thank you all so much.

i told my T yesterday that all this is killing me.  my body is so inflamed, which probably speaks to the anger i cannot express or am even aware of.  just writing this tightened my chest, which i've come to know means fear. feeling these emotions has been too much, literally, for my body and mind to keep up with.  explosions of 76 yrs. of unrealized, unfelt, unexpressed emotion/feeling is doing me in. i've been sick for 4 mos. now, am miserable every day just trying to remain here.

love you all, you're in my heart.  :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you much love and a warm hug  :bighug:
Hope  :)

hope, you don't know how much that meant to me.  thank you. :hug:

just starting to feel a little better when BLAM!  food poisoning from food from our food bank.  pretty sure it was the turkey - it said it was pre-cooked, only needed to be heated up, but their food was the only thing i ate for 2 days.  it started fri. was severe enough that i just wanted to die.  awful.  still feeling the effects.  man, i'm getting sick of this.  can't begin healing again when my body is wracked w/ pain.  too much.

Oh san  :'( Times are so rough.  I'm thinking of you and sending love and hugs  :hug: :bighug:

 :hug:  :hug:  san!

 :bighug:

That's not fair. :(

bach, you touched me. thank you. :hug:

blueberry, lovely hugs. thank you. :hug:

arnee, i both chuckled and teared up when i read what you wrote.  thanks for being here. :hug:

thank you all for sticking with me.  you're so appreciated, you don't even know. love and hugs :grouphug:

felt like i was beginning to climb i long, dark stairway out of a deep black dungeon when this new thing hit.  it pushed me back many steps.  still not feeling well.  hopefully, it'll run its course by the weekend. in the meantime, i'm glad i'm here, glad you're all here. :grouphug:

I'm glad you're here too, san  :hug:

Sending you love, San! I really do feel you and understand.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
I hope you're feeling better as each day goes.  Sending you a hug and wishing you better really soon.  :hug:
Hope  :)

bach, thank you so. i'd have found this impossible w/o you and the others. :hug:

thanks, phoebes. so appreciated. :hug:

hope, i'm so glad you're in my corner. thank you. :hug:

you people are so beautiful.  i marvel each day about the care and concern you've shown me even as you have your own issues and bad days. i know my abusers all had crapola in their childhoods, but they chose such a different path. still, you people here chose to be kind and caring rather than malicious with intent to hurt, 'teach', demean, etc. my admiration for everyone here grows each day.  thank you so very much for being you. i just hope someday you'll see all that i see in you.  :grouphug:

feeling better, finally, altho the stress of life continues.  it's been about 4 mos. since i've gotten sick from being stressed out about getting in touch w/ a feeling i hadn't been aware of, so hadn't expressed until then. it overwhelmed me to the point i was knocked against the wall and became emotionally unable to cope w/ it. a month later, it happened again w/ a second feeling.  same thing happened and i was once more down for the count.

then i got my vaccines, flu and covid, and was knocked sideways, altho i expected this.  unfortunately, the stress of them on top of all the rest of the stress lingered, and stress flu symptoms developed. i also became afraid (yeah, i can feel fear more regularly now, something i hadn't had in my life since i was about 5) and anxious (i can now see how my anxiety began by the time i was 12 as a direct result of not being allowed to feel afraid anymore, not even recognizing a natural survival mechanism cause i had no back-up to help me thru what would normally be fearful times.

i'm seeing more and more how this alexithymia beast has impacted my life, and how much working on getting feelings/emotions back to 'normal' has altered my ability to face the world, manage the simplest tasks, and caused me to become afraid to go further in recovery. hanging by a thread, as my T named it, does not lend itself to act in any way, think in any way which might produce more stress. my stress limit has been reached long ago, but i've been pushing myself thru it anyway till now.

feeling 76 yrs. of humiliation all at once, 76 yrs. of pain, are too much to take at a time. 3/4 of a century of not feeling losses, the hurt caused by lies, deceit, deception, and many more i've finally realized is a main reason why i don't allow myself to break down and cry. i did so yesterday, and all that pain came with it, and i stopped myself. i can hardly bear this anymore, and am doing my best to stay sane for my D.

i wish i could be active on this forum to people here who are going thru so much, but i don't have the strength, can't distance myself from their hurt and pain like i used to. i don't know if that will change. all i know now is i am a shell of who i once was.

my D's disability hearing was today, and we don't have high hopes. i'm still facing a financial crisis as my D becomes less and less able to work - she has not been able to make enough money to pay her part of the bills for 2 weeks now. the future does not look any better, and the instability does nothing to alleviate my stress levels. triggers come at me out of the blue and send me crashing. i don't know how to proceed forward anymore w/o another tsunami of feelings drowning me.

i'm glad to be able to get some of this out. finally.  but, my life really is too much to live anywhere but on the edge of sanity.  teetering even there. the food poisoning shredded me, my innards are so inflamed, my system is not sustaining itself well at all anymore.

thank you again for your care and support. you mean the world to me.

i realized how much of a mess i am after last nite's rant here. and today, just frickin' can't catch a break. part of a filling broke (old teeth, old fillings) and a chunk of my tooth is gone. no pain, but medicare doesn't cover dental. i'm a broken record, i know, but this is too much!!!

i think my T has the number for a free traveling dentist, which i've visited before. they'll do for an emergency, but not good vibes and i'm dreading it. can i just give up?

 :bighug:

Love and hugs for san  :hug: :bighug:  :grouphug:

thank you, armee, for that big hug.  great to see it. :hug:

bach, i felt all the care and concern you have for me, and all i can say is thank you. :hug:

no call from the mobile dental van people yesterday, so i'll have to call again mon. i'm working real hard not to anticipate another painful horror like the last time, a few years ago, i got a broken filling fixed. in the meantime, i'm on edge all the time about if more of this filling is going to crumble, being careful to only chew on the other side of my mouth, eating soft foods when i eat. not a lot of that at the minute.

i am grateful, tho, that there is no pain. the nerve isn't exposed, thank you god. how long that might last, tho, well, down the rabbit hole again. no emotion, very flat while i'm keeping myself cuddled up against anything else happening there.

 :hug:  :hug:

Glad to hear you're taking care of you. Sorry about the mobile dental place not showing.

thank you, blueberry, so very much. i'm still working on getting my tooth fixed. yesterday i had an appt., went to the place at the allotted time, but the van (it's a mobile dental clinic) never showed.  found out later it had problems. now i'm at square one, still trying to get in.  ugh!  :hug:

i remember a member asking me how do i start being able to cry?  i used shows, at times.  when i began sniffling/crying at something on the screen, there were times when i could turn that on my self and my life and the tears would turn into sobs. it was a very painful experience.

lately, i've been breaking into tears for my own circumstances, w/o any outside 'push'. i've cried 3 times in the past few days for various reasons, and it completely surprised me. this was a different kind of crying than i'm used to - usually tears would only fall for myself if their had been a buildup of situations/circumstances and i 'boiled over' so to speak.  or once when i was pregnant and my hub#1 told me he didn't want to be married anymore. i'm guessing hormones played a big part in that.

i don't know why the tears are coming now. one was for a computer thing i couldn't figure out, which left me feeling helpless and useless.  still hasn't been taken care of, but my D hasn't had time to help me w/ it.  once was last nite when my D suggested we just go to where the dental van will be parked this morning, tell them what happened yesterday, see if they'll fit me in.  then she remembered we have groceries being delivered this morning, and i fell apart, head in hands, tears streaming down my face.  (we did get the delivery time changed, so we'll see what happens w/ the dentist.)

i'm so flat, feel like i'm living a nightmare.  these tears are probably normal, but they feel anything but that. so strange.  i'm overflowing w/ tension and stress and i can feel it. this is too much for me anymore and i'm afraid i'm at last in the beginning stages of shutting down.

 :bighug: I love you dear San. I wish I could take away the suffering.  :grouphug:

i love you, too, armee.  your gesture is so nurturing and generous, i thank you so for that. good news is that i got my tooth fixed yesterday, and the dentist was very caring and gentle.  day of recovery but today things finally feel normal in my mouth.  so, some of the suffering is truly gone.  i hope you have disposed of it properly!  lol!!! :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 08, 2023, 03:54:54 PMgood news is that i got my tooth fixed yesterday, and the dentist was very caring and gentle.  day of recovery but today things finally feel normal in my mouth.  so, some of the suffering is truly gone. 

:thumbup:  :)  :cheer:

thanks, blueberry.  you brought a much-needed smile to my face and heart. :hug:

I'm so relieved to hear you were able to have your tooth fixed. One less stressor is a great thing. And no more are allowed to come. Period. End of story. I'm putting my foot down.

 ;D

Don't worry I TOTALLY have that kind of power.  :grouphug:

thank you, armee, for your strength, power, and assuredness - it puts more weapons in my arsenal, and i so very appreciate it.   :hug:

it's been difficult to write about any of this.  financial talks w/ my D spell mostly doom and gloom, and the prospect of moving in a few months.  we've run out of resources, unless the disability comes thru, which  . . . it doesn't look good. just doing my best to stay sane thru it all.  it's all i've got right now. way way too much.

 :hug:

Here with you.  :hug:

thanks for the hug, larry.  so appreciated. :hug:

armee, i know this, and it's comforting.  thank you so for reinforcing it.  it helps a lot. :hug:

my stomach is churning right now at the thought of writing anything about what i'm going thru.  it's so horrible to live this way.  and the thought - well, others in the world have it worse than you - just rolled thru my brain, like how dare i call my situation horrible?  frickin' trauma brain.  i hate every minute of this.

It's legitimately terrifying and awful what you are going through. And I wish it were not happening and I wish there were better safety nets.  :bighug:

I am sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment. Sending you good wishes, strength and hope.

:grouphug:

thanks for that validation, armee. i appreciate it so much. my mind went to the hostages across the globe - they have nothing but imprisonment.  i guess i'm feeling imprisoned in a certain way - i have no power nor control over what's happening, what might happen, what could happen.  hostage in my skin.  :hug:

thank you for the well wishes, narckiddo. i'm staying sane on things like you said. thank you. :hug:

my D is also so very worried.  i'm trying to cuddle up against thinking about any of this, trying to get from one day to the next, but she talks about it and her fears stir me up, clench my gut.  i want to cry, but the tears won't come.  maybe one day . . .

more drama.  D1 is very sick, docs are working on her, we don't know what's going to happen.  she won't go to the hospital cuz of covid, and i guess her landlady and a couple friends are looking in on her.  i'm hearing everything piecemeal, nothing from my ex about it - he called my D and told her it's looking pretty bad.

i'm messy and numb at the same time.  i reached out to her, even tho it's been almost 9 yrs. since we've been in contact w/ each other. plus, she's managing to rain down awfulness on our family, still. apparently, she gave a list to my ex, grievances against her sister (my D), and wanted him to send them to my D saying he agreed w/ them (he doesn't) or she didn't want him to be with her when she died.  holding him hostage like that, well,  . . .

so, along w/ my own emotional mess, i also got mad at her last nite for continuing to try to convince those who love her the most, have given to and supported her the most (all the while she tells others no one gives a crapola about her), that each other is vile and evil and horrible. my D told me she had brainwashed my ex about me like that, that he had asked my D about all the things D1 had said to him about me, and my D was able to tell him none of it was true.

ok, gotta stop.  my gut is going nuts.  i just feel awful.

 :grouphug:

San. That's too much. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry she is so sick and I am so sorry her behavior is continuing in a way that is harmful to her and to the whole family. Some people are like that and it is so very hard to grasp and so very hard to manage. Just know please all day when you need a hug I am sending a big long one each time.  :bighug:

you brought tears to my eyes, armee.  i'm keeping those hugs w/ me all day.  thank you. :hug:

another anger bud peeped up as well - my D told me that if her sis dies, she wouldn't go to the funeral but she'd want to be there for her F.  i know he has friends and family there, and my immediate thought was 'what about me?' the idea that she'd leave me alone - i have no friends or family here except for her - for at least a week wrenched at my heart.  what a frickin' mire, a swamp of despair closing over my head.

 :hug: to you SanMagic.

thank you so, hope. love the hug. :hug:

Thinking of you.

 :grouphug:

thank you narckiddo.  i appreciate it so much.   :hug:

the past 2 days have felt like i've been slashed across my body several times.  i don't know what to do w/ this. my D1 has erased me from her life, has announced a page full of accusations against her sister, perceived wrongdoings, and expected their father to give my D the list saying he agree w/ all of them, that if he didn't, she wouldn't allow him to be w/ her when she was dying (apparently this liver virus she has can kill in a matter of days - so, we're also on tenterhooks about whether she'll be alive tomorrow or not. she's been running a fever for days, they can't get it down, she won't go to the hospital cuz she's afraid of getting covid and, in her words, 'dying anyway'.)

so, another traumatic experience to add to the pile i carry while i wait to learn whether my D1 lives or dies. too much.

i remember when i first named this journal that someone told me they were glad to see me get real w/ my emotions.  since this journal began, the doom and gloom in it is a wonder to behold, in my mind.  i am farther downhill away from healing than ever, it seems to me.  i don't know.  maybe it's my outlook that's gloomy. feels like i can't get a toehold when some other catastrophic something comes along and knocks me on my patoot. as i get older and continue to have to deal w/ major life problems, willing myself to stay alive and/or sane, just like physically, it's harder to get up, keep my balance, recover, and get some kind of brighter outlook again.  just help me get thru this day.

Here with a hand to help ypu through today and tomorrow. I'm so sorry.  :grouphug:

thank you, armee - i got thru today.  i kept telling myself - i did what i could, i did what i could. when i told my D that, she said 'you did more than you could, and it damaged you a lot'. i'll make it till tomorrow.  love your support.  :hug:

i realized this evening i'm living this nightmare over again, back to the days when D1 was in her teens, and we never knew if/when the phone call would come.  my D came out of her room tonite, immediately the thought entered my mind 'D1 is dead'.  i told her and she said if she'd heard that - my ex would tell her - she'd say 'i've got bad news' so i didn't have to think it beforehand.  any little bit is helping right now.

i can feel the tension i'm holding inside, it's buzzing like angry bees throughout my body. i'm holding it all in as much as possible, but i've begun walking up and down the stairs of the building because of the disturbance inside me. this is a new trauma i'm living thru in real time which harkens back to the same trauma i lived thru w/ D1 back then - 30 yrs. ago.

will this never end???????????????????????????????????

 :hug:

Its exactly that. A new trauma that is also a trigger for the old trauma and that type of thing is incredibly difficult to manage. I know almost exactly what you mean. It's the hardest part of my life I ever lived thru was that scenario...new trauma old trigger horrible combo. Pacing the stairs seems like a really smart coping mech and so kind of your daughter to tell you how she will break bad news.  :grouphug:

armee, your kind words, encouragement, understanding, i just gobble it up.  thank you. :hug:

under the retraumatizing/EF's posting, i detailed what's going on now. this is hurting my D so badly, which in turn hurts me, besides bringing up all the ways her F/my ex did the exact same thing to me, 2 major things which essentially broke our marriage. to see him doing the same to her - all of it to appease D1, who is making him choose between her and her sister, holding him hostage cuz she's very sick and possibly going to die from this illness and if he doesn't do what she wants she told him she didn't want him w/ her while she dies.

this has gotten to the point where my D finally told him what he's doing is hurting her, hurting me, and if he didn't stand up to D1, then she couldn't be a part of this anymore.  she broke up w/ him yesterday, told him he had to make a decision, that she wasn't going to be part of this, and to let her know when he decides.  i give her a lot of credit for standing up to him (she's already gone NC w/ her sister about 7 yrs. ago).

and her sister also sent emails to her (D) with more of the same garbage she's sent in the past.  this is taking its toll on my D, which is also taking a toll on me.  i've been thru this scenario before w/ him - he chose D1 over me - so i'm reliving the nightmare of this dynamic thru my D.  our place is so full of stress and tension right now, it's nearly suffocating.  i know my body is reacting badly to it.

i can't believe this is happening.  on the other hand, i'm not surprised.  been here, done that.  am now here again.  too much, just way too much.

everyone who showed their care and concern, thank you.  feeling better today, which was weird, cuz it also made me feel uneasy and disturbed.  i think the emotion and distress of this past week took its toll insofar as to cause a more 'normal' feeling to actually feel uncomfortable.  ate myself into a coma tonite becuase of it, but tomorrow is another day, and i can start again.

so strange, sometimes, how this works.

i have a question i hope someone can answer for me - how can i send a PM?  i knew how to do it on the old forum, but after looking at all the info i could find here, i can't seem to locate directions on how to do that on this forum. i'd appreciate the help.

also, another question. is the 'having an exceptionally bad day' location gone from this forum? this past week, i wanted to write about what was going on with me under that heading, but i couldn't find it anywhere.  maybe i just missed it - old eyes.

thanks.

just a further update - my D and i talked finances yesterday, we have enough to stay where we are for another month, possibly 2.  this piecemeal, living on a shoestring game is so wearing.  it went under cover the past week becuz of everything else (no word on D1's condition, but i believe this is now a case of no news is good news.  D told me yesterday she's still not talking to her F.) but now it's front and center again.

i had a lovely long chat w/ my bro the other day, and he assured me i could always live w/ him and his girlfriend, so i didn't need to be afraid of being homeless.  my D has always told me that if we have to move she believed a couple friends would take us both in, like we're a package deal, which was wonderful to hear, but also knowing my bro is willing to have me sends an extra vibe of stability thru my spine. just in case . . .

he also assured me that i have a brother who is here for me.  this was a strange, unknown concept cuz he's 9 yrs. younger than me, so was never the one i looked up to or felt i could depend on. we've grown closer over the past few years, and it kind of sank in for me that i do have someone besides my D who has my back. 2 people now. wonderful but weird.  have to let that sink in a bit so it can become organic for me. but, i have to admit, i love the thought.

the only hitch w/ that is he lives in her house, technically, so while it was a heartfelt invitation, i don't know if she'd go for that in all truthfulness.  she has her own problems.  and the doubt just rampaged its way past the positivity.  well, it's nice to think of it as 'could be'.  i'll stick w/ that for now.

Thank you so much for stopping by the other day San  :hug:

I absolutely LOVE the idea of you coming over and sitting with me, do you read at all? I've been reading this (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Giver_Quartet) with two friends, I'm trying to form an unbook club (have been trying for years). I have missed getting lost in a good book. I've been curled up in my comfy robe, eating my favorite foods, looking out at the snow and having gratitude for the opulence in which I live. I am warm, I am safe, I have so many people in my life that care about me - and to know that you are one of them, I am so blessed.  Thank you my friend.  Please stop by any time for a cup of tea and a chat  :bighug:

i do love to read, EA, but haven't really been into it for quite some time.  i used to read voraciously, utilized libraries consistently, and in mex. had a friend who exchanged books w/ friends - and when he finished reading them, he gave them to me.

i've never belonged to a book club, tho. there are too many stories now which trigger/activate the sensitive parts of my mind. same w/ movies.  but a chat and warm drink sounds lovely.  thanks. :hug:

just staying warm right now. my D is w/ a friend for the weekend.  it's actually been nice being on my own, once i got used to being alone w/ the cat.  i wouldn't be able to do this forever cuz i no longer am able to navigate bill-paying and such, but for these few days i've liked it.

Hi San. I just caught up on a couple of pages in your journal. I'm sorry to hear about D1 being sick and ALL the emotions and trauma that it brings.

Nice that you have a couple of days alone with the cat. Sometimes a little space is refreshing.

hey, notalone.  yeah, it was a good break from some of my reality. thanks for your support. :hug:

back to 'normal' now. my D is home. it really did feel like a break from our reality cuz i didn't have to discuss finances or difficulties or anything neg. w/ her. that felt good.  i did discover how very stressed i was while she was gone, and i didn't realize it.  mostly cuz we had some terrible weather, downed trees, power outages (not for me, yay!) but a tree fell on the motel where she was staying, no power for 2 days, they were finally able to find a room somewhere else.  i'm just glad her muscle memory kicked in for snowy, icy driving.  still, stressful.

at any rate, right now things are pretty calm.  i'll take it.  who knows what will happen tomorrow? hopefully, more calm, or at least some good news. that would be nice.

Loving that there's a touch of calm there.  :grouphug: Sending you some more vibes for the calm to last awhile.

 :hug: