Out of the Storm

I have been thinking about starting my journal for a while but it still doesn't feel like a "Recovery Journal" so i kept hesitating.

Anyway, for now it's more of Blue's blue  ??? thoughts and feelings.

I have an audit coming up at work and I am not dealing well. It feels like I'm getting judged by external auditors and my manager and it's weird.

[TW CSA]

It possibly stems from CSA when my B used to make me take a shower while watching me.

[End of TW]

I also have a gynae appointment tomorrow to discuss placement of IUD which has been making my anxiety go off the roof.

I have a baby and a teenager inner child in me who went through different kinds of CSA. Teenager had to face a bit more abuse/(harsh parenting?) and is quite difficult to befriend. Throughout ages 14 - 19, both the baby and teenager got suffocated so much that they have almost vanished.

So now I am trying to resuscitate them one at a time. Baby me likes to talk a lot  :blahblahblah: and sing and dance  :cheer:  and was always told I was "too much", "too hyper", "wanting attention all the time" etc. You are not too much little baby. You are exactly just you, a baby. And Blue Sky loves you for who you are.

That's all for now. Maybe I will write again after the doc visit.

Aw I would have adored baby you. My daughter, now 11, has always been "too much" and she is absolutely lovely that way.

Quote from: Armee on September 11, 2023, 11:42:29 PMAw I would have adored baby you. My daughter, now 11, has always been "too much" and she is absolutely lovely that way.

I love that!!

I think our little selves are just who they need to be and it's lovely to love them! <3

Lady appointments are so *shivers*. I hope it goes easy and smoothly and you feel heard and respected.

My anxiety was off the roof today because of the gyno appointment. My partner couldn't join me either so I was not ready at all.

Baby and teenager both were nervous too. I kept feeling physically sick. It's quite amazing how your physical body can communicate what's going on mentally.

I tried some deep breathing and promised both baby and teenager that if we get through this appointment together nicely, I would buy us a LEGO set.

Went to the appointment. Got nervous to find parking. Got lost in the mall after parking the car and then had to run to the clinic.
By this point I was breathless and almost trembling.

I lost words when I was speaking to the doctor. It felt like I couldn't make sentences in my head. But she was so calm and patient with me.
She explained everything nicely and told me that they could put the IUD under anaesthesia in the OT and she could do the cervical screening also at the same time so I wouldn't have to worry about undressing and being in pain. It was a win!  :cheer:

I called my partner after the appointment because now I was confused whether I have to keep my promise of buying a LEGO or not (since we didn't have to do a cervical screening). But my partner thought I still deserved a nice LEGO.

(https://images.platoyo.com/v7/_letzshop_production_img_/84cec85a012e1b2a73a2bba51fddd67e.jpeg?q=75&width=750&height=750&func=bound&org_if_sml=1&force_format=webp%2Cjpeg)

I got the Wall-E and Eve LEGO set. Teenager selected it. [A bit of background: In our early stages of falling in love, my partner gave this movie to me and recommended that I watch it. We hadn't told each other that we liked each other. This movie was almost like a spark/ a conversation starter to our amazing love story]

Anyway, I feel good today. Now back to assignments and still stressing about work audit  ??? 

I'm so glad it went ok!!! :cheer:
And your partner is right, you totally deserved the Lego set. (Your partner sounds very sweet)

I agree, you totally deserve the Lego set. Because, you, Baby and Teenager all got through that appointment! And maybe something about one of you three communicated somehow to the doc that she should give you a bit of a break and do everything under an anesthetic.

I have Littles who like to sing and dance too :)

I wanted to write a while ago that imo anything we write on here at least for ourselves is a step on the road to recovery. That includes your Journal too, even if you might not see it that way yet :hug:

Thank you Blueberry for the hug. I really needed it.
I haven't been able to go to my T as much as I would like to. We both have such a busy schedule and due to finances as well. So it gets difficult for me to notice my recovery at times. Then I get stuck in a vicious cycle of self critiquing that I'm not good enough  :stars:

Did EMDR yesterday with the teenager.

Teenager had been grounded in the house for "loving" a guy when I was just 14. He was more like a really really good friend rather than a "boyfriend" and was the only one who knew about CSA at that time. Teenager was grounded for a month with no phone, no TV, no school, no talking to any outsiders. Teenager was sent to a different school in the middle of the year for a month. It was horrific and teenager was so lonely. And finally when teenager was settling-in slowly in new school, teenager was taken back to old school to be humiliated again. Lost respect from teachers and peers, was the "talk" of the school.

[TW]

Teenager self harmed a lot. CSA was at its peak. B was stronger than before and  was now F & M's fav child instead of teenager so his ego was off the roof.

[End of TW]

By the end of the session, i had three thoughts/rules for myself:
1. Teenager me is still allowed to stay angry at M&F.
2. Adult me acknowledges F for being a good* F but doesn't respect him for being a bad spouse to my M.
3. Adult me will try my best not to be a mediator in their relationship whenever possible.

*Terms and Conditions follow in F being a 'good' F

Haven't updated anything for the past 3 weeks. Teenager was very tensed from EMDR work and digging horrible stuff from that time.

But the "good" part is that teenager and adult me together knew that we are in a troubled state of mind and went to the ED to get help. That's the first time we have done that.
It was scary, it was extremely difficult but we did it. We also managed to slowly catch up on missed work and uni lectures/ assessments.

Another thing that had been troubling me was the upcoming accreditation audit at work. It kept giving me anxiety attacks almost everyday at work as I was working through the actions required. Yesterday was THE day of the audit and we actually did good  :yahoo:

There were fixable minor issues, one of the findings was my mistake solely and that shook me quite a bit at that moment but today I feel like I can accept my mistake, I can accept the fact that I am a human and I am allowed to make mistakes too.

This is Blue Sky today.
download.jpg

Next hurdle now is getting IUD placed under anaesthesia in the OT. I feel relieved I will be under anaesthesia but it's still so nerve-wrecking  :snort:

You've done very well. Particularly in handling the small mistake you made, realising you are human, being able to see and accept that the audit as a whole was a success, and that you contributed to that success. Accepting we are not perfect and cannot be perfect, and getting over it, is so hard for us CPTSD people so kudos to you.

I hope the IUD procedure goes smoothly. I don't know if you have been under anaesthesia before. If you haven't, be aware that anaesthesia can make you feel nauseous when you wake up. It does not affect everyone this way but if you find yourself feeling nauseous then tell the medics, because they have anti-nausea drugs on hand which work very well. I had a general anaesthetic when I was six, and all my life I have vividly remembered the vomiting afterwards.  When I had an operation last year I mentioned this to the anaesthetist. This meant he was able to give me extra anti-nausea drugs while I was under and I knew I could ask for more if I felt bad when I woke up. I am not particularly bothered about vomiting but it is not fun and the surgery last year was abdominal, so I didn't want to be straining my stitches.

I had my first group therapy yesterday. It's a similar version of DBT.

There were 9 of us, I was so anxious beforehand.

The first task was to talk to the person next to you and introduce them to the rest of the group. It was so scary to speak out loud but I did it.

We also learned about what emotion regulation means for us and what we hope to get out of this 8 week program.

Ended the class with a short mindfulness breathing exercise.

It felt peaceful. It felt warm. Group hug baby Blue and teenage Blue and adult me  :grouphug:

Good job.  :hug:

Hey Blue,

I'm so happy for you that this session possibly surpassed your expectations and that you felt connected and "warm" to the group.

I also wanted to make a comment that you seem in a more positive spirit more recently - I hope my judgement is correct. I'm so happy to know you're healing.

Do keep journaling - I'd love to hear more about how you're getting on.

 :hug:

That's wonderful blue_sky! I'm so happy for you :)

P.S. I hope you don't mind me writing out your name in full because Blue is the name of one of my Inners and it feels just too strange atm to address somebody external as blue. Tho baby blue and teenage blue are fine, don't feel strange.

Thank you Bert, I have been feeling more positive than negative for a couple of days now.
And Blueberry, you can call me Blue_Sky, i have no problem with that  :)

I had my IUD placed yesterday. Reached the hospital on time and waited and waited and waited for hours. Then my husband went to pick up his neice from school and I realised I forgot to bring the IUD with me  ??? Had to call my husband and ask him to go home and bring it to the hospital. That's when the nurse also says "we'll be ready for you soon".

The inner critic in me was in rage. Oh my god did I jump into telling myself so many bad things that I am such a loser, I am so irresponsible, I am this I am that. I had to take a moment to step back and tell myself "Hey, I'm human and I'm allowed to make mistakes".

The next hurdle was internal fight between being scared to go under general anaesthesia for the first time vs. wishing that I'd never wake up again. My mind was working so much that I was exhausted physically. I remember crying so much after the procedure and telling the nurse about my sibling and the abuse and God knows what else.

But, I did it!  :cheer: It did hurt when so many people questioned why I needed to go under general anaesthesia just for IUD but they don't know me.

Next hurdle is diwali, brother's day ughhh  :thumbdown: But it is also going to be almost 3 years of NC with the sibling aka the abuser of CSA. So I will instead be celebrating Blue's Independence Day for the 2nd time.

YAY page 2 of my recovery journal!!  :cheer:
2^nd "Emotion Regulation" group therapy was on Monday.
I think all 10 of us are getting slightly more comfortable with each other and speaking up.

We were all given one lemon each and we had to observe, feel, smell, touch the lemon as we practised mindfulness.
Who knew there were such cooler ways to practise mindfulness? (well I didn't at least  ;D )

Then we were asked to put the lemons back in the bowl and after 10 minutes were asked to grab "our" lemons.
And amazingly, all 10 of us found "our" lemons. It was so cool that I "knew" what my lemon looked like and felt like. Loved that feeling!

We also learned WHAT skills and HOW skills of mindfulness.
Under WHAT skills, there's observing, describing and participating.
Under HOW skills, there's non-judgementally, one-mindfully and effectively.


Other than that, life is sailing by. Dreading diwali. And I have final exams next two weeks  :spooked: 

Note to self: I want you to remember this day, this feeling, this proud and amazing feeling after session with T today.

Also gonna be a long post

A bit of backstory is I had a nightmare. My sibling aka perpetrator was also there. I was forced to dress in revealing, uncomfortable dress. He attacked/ abused me. There were some scary prisoners and we were prison guards (or something like that, my dreams are bizarre but very intense). I get shot by him and I am told it was just a game and that I'm out of the game now. I beg him to let me play again because I didn't know it was a game. And then I tell him "You can do whatever you did to me earlier but please let me play once again".

I woke up abruptly when H walked into the room and as I had to drop him to the station, I got up and turned autopilot mode on and didn't get a chance to process.

Luckily I had an appointment with my T this morning so I started thinking about how I was feeling while in the waiting room. There was so much shame in me and my inner critic was going "how could you offer yourself to him like that? That is disgusting"

While processing with T, I started understanding and thinking "Hold on, this pattern started from the sibling and cousin when they gave me chocolates, lollies etc. Almost like rewarding me. It started with them grooming me to make me believe that something I did must be right so I'm getting rewarded for it"

Inner critic would say "But that was little Blue, she didn't know what was happening. In the nightmare, it was adult Blue, it's different. And teenage Blue has done this in the past remember??"

So this particular memory I had never talked about to anybody before because I was utterly ashamed about it.

[TW: (C)SA]

I was 17. He was abroad studying. I wanted a new phone as I was using M's old one, one of those Nokia ones that doesn't have access to internet.
FOO must've told him about it when talking to him. He told them "Oh don't worry, I can send a really good one for cheap price from here with my so-and-so friend who is coming there soon". I had a strange feeling. He had never been nice to me for "free". Every time he would be nice to me, I had to "pay the price" by letting him "do it". Or he would blackmail beforehand that he would do so-and-so but I would have to let him "do it".

This time, while living oceans away, he says "You need to send me photos of yourself without any clothes on". I couldn't turn to my parents as they didn't know anything about CSA. I couldn't turn to my husband (bf back then) as he was also abroad and he was the main reason I needed the phone. And my parents didn't know about our relationship back then and had already broken up my previous relationship with another guy so I was stuck from all sides.

I complied and sent him photos  :'(  :'(  :'(
The reply was something like "Oh I didn't think you'd comply but look at you.. blah blah.." and was complimenting my photos which made me feel even more disgusted at myself.

[End TW]

As I was crying my eyes out, T calmly said "that is gaslighting and grooming right there". I had heard of grooming before but it was the first time I heard of gaslighting.
I didn't realise that, by saying "oh you complied", he was trying to put the blame on me. Almost like saying "I didn't make you do it, you wanted it"
He misused the situation (like he had done hundreds of times in the past) to gain what he needed.

T also asked me to ask my inner critic, self-compassion and wise mind "Who needs to feel the shame and who is in the wrong?"

:bighug: Oh that feeling! Little, teenage and adult Blue, don't ever forget that warm, relaxed, validated feeling.  :bighug:

I don't need to feel the shame. He should feel the shame. He is/was in the wrong.

I imagined taking off all the shame from my body and crumpling it into a ball of wet tissue and threw it at him, smacked it at him. The wet ball of tissue(shame) got stuck on him.

I am not wrong. I don't need to feel the shame.  :grouphug:

 :bighug:

Nope. NONE of the shame belongs to you.  :grouphug:

3rd Emotion Regulation class yesterday.

I am starting to like the group class. I actually feel sad that it's already Session 3 and we only have 5 more to go.
Having these sessions on Monday has helped me with not getting Mondayitis. And I have also realised that I don't feel as anxious on Sunday evenings because I look forward to the class and learning new skills.

Yesterday we started the class by practising mindfulness. The class as a group, came up with animal names beginning from each letter of the alphabet; starting from A to Z. And BOY "X" was hard! I said "X-mas Reindeer?" and made the whole class laugh, was slightly embarrassed.

We also learned about chain analysis, discussed previous week's skills practice (we renamed "Homework" as skills practice as it sounded better).

Towards the end we learned about naming our emotions, naming what it feels like in our body when we feel those emotions, and working out what the purpose was of that emotion.

Looking forward to practicing these skills over the week. But final exams on Thursday  :aaauuugh: I hate exams. Why can't we just learn & learn more? Why the need to test us?  :'( 

Those classes sound great. I am just catching up on your latest journal entries, and I loved the lemons episode. I am glad everyone found their own lemon.

I'm curious about the concept of exams for such a class, though. I'd like to hear more about how that even works; only if you want to tell, of course.

And you are right. The shame is NOT yours to carry and never was. I'm glad you are starting to get rid of it.  :grouphug:

Oh the exams are not for Emotion Regulation class, that would be so funny though lol.

I am doing undergraduate degree in Psychology. Initially when I left my home country, I had to study something else because my strict father was partially funding my education and I had to follow his rules otherwise he wouldn't help me pay the uni.
I didn't really enjoy it much.

I have been in therapy on/off since 2016 and around 2017/18, I started feeling like I want to do this too. I want to be able to help others like me in the same way how my amazing therapists have been there for me. So I got into thinking about studying psychology and it was like an answer for the dreaded "where do you see yourself in 10yrs time" question.

I thought about joining uni for a while, worried about finances and what if I didn't like the subject, what if I'm triggered, etc. Started by taking just 1 subject per semester in 2021 and 2022. This year I took 2 subjects for first semester and I'm doing 2 subjects currently. So final exams is about the psychology degree.

It is quite triggering at times, but it is also so much exciting for me to know what causes these emotions/reactions/events that we go through and how we can help someone.

Exams however are a huge deal for me. My inner critic is on high alert, I feel judged, I feel incompetent, too much negative energy....

Hi blue sky,  emotional regulation class sounds helpful,  try not to stress about your exams,  i will be thinking of you....

Quote from: blue_sky on November 08, 2023, 07:28:27 AMOh the exams are not for Emotion Regulation class, that would be so funny though lol.

Ha ha! Silly me. Exams are so stressful, though. Wishing you all the best.

I'm a bit late reading here blue_Sky, but none of that shame belongs to you. NONE.  :bighug:  :bighug:



Skills practice instead of homework sounds great to me!

Thank you so much Armee, NK, Larry and Blueberry for celebrating with me  :) My exams are over too so I have been trying to enjoy these stress-free moments while they last.

4th Emotion Regulation group was last Monday.
We started with musical mindfulness where we listened to an instrumental song and tried to stay focused in the song, trying to notice different instruments, notes etc
Little Blue wanted to dance and was swaying in the chair  ;D

We learned about opposite action. When you're angry and want to shout at the other person, instead choosing opposite action to stay quiet so the issue doesn't escalate.

I guess it makes sense when we think about anger as an emotion but I couldn't agree opposite action on everything. If someone hit me, I don't think I'd want to choose opposite action and stay quiet (although my reflex would make me freeze and not be able to defend myself). I don't know.. I haven't thought about those things too much.

We were also given a loooonnngg list of simple, positive, nice things that we could do to. We were supposed to plan one activity per day and journal if we did it or not.
Because of the exams and the dreaded Diwali festival, I couldn't complete this week's homework (aka Skills Practice). I feel a tad bit guilty about that.

Blue's Independence Day - Year II

Last Wednesday was officially 2 years since I have been NC with the abuser sibling. Me and my friend celebrated my Independence Day.
We went for a nice manicure/pedicure, went shopping for sometime, went to a mosaic art class, played some arcade games, won prizes, had Malaysian dinner.
I think I managed to have a pretty good day although there was a turmoil of different thoughts and feelings inside my head.

Happy independence, BlueSky. You deserve that.

I've had good luck with opposite action though I agree with you that in the case of standing up for yourself and setting boundaries that I don't like the idea of that at all.

The way I used it was when I would be in emotional flashbacks and feeling like I was not good enough I would destroy myself by like getting up at 3 am to scrub the bathrooms, do laundry, make a nice breakfast for everyone etc. In the meantime I was exhausting myself and not doing enough would turn into doing too much and being overwhelmed and then that would turn into not doing enough and it was a bad cycle. Opposite action required me to when I felt a compulsion to do something like scrub the toilets to make myself feel like I was worthwhile, I had to just stop where ever I was an sit down and do nothing. On the other hand if my compulsion was to lay in bed and do nothing it would have requires me to get up and do something. Eventually this helped break that cycle of working myself to the bone to not feel worthless and helped me realize I don't need to do all those things to be worthy to my husband and kids. It was really helpful. One of the first successes I had in therapy actually. Or if I felt compelled to lock myself in the bathroom to dissociate I was supposed to go sit next to my husband instead etc.

I hope that's helpful to give those examples.

Last week I couldn't write about the 5th Emotion Regulation Class. Too much going on in my head.

Yesterday was the 6th week. There are only 2 more classes to go and I feel so sad.
Yesterday we got to learn from a Therapy Dog. She was the first therapy dog I had ever met. She was lovely and so patient with all of us.

We learnt a bit about distress tolerance, about hyper-arousal, hypo-arousal and optimal zone. Then we tried to use our senses to be mindful and notice different elements.

I thought I was feeling better with Diwali and exams over and things feeling better in therapy. But now it seems like that was me hallucinating.
And that I am back to my old, sad, Blue. I don't enjoy work, it reminds me of the fact that I did not study this because I wanted to, I had to study this because otherwise F wouldn't have let me leave the horror house.
When I'm at work - I am miserable.
When boss wants us to reduce hours because work is slow - I feel unwanted and unvalued.
When I'm trying to update resume and apply for other jobs - I feel so basic and un-talented, like there's nothing special about me.
When I don't hear back from recruiters and jobs I applied to - I feel stressed and lost.

Why does it hurt this much? I know I am okay, I know I am safe, physically and financially too for at least a good couple of months.
But still I am hypervigilant all the time. I feel like I'm sitting idly but inside my body it's like I'm trembling and just can't stop.
Why is it so difficult to look at the brighter things in life? Why is it that past traumas act as an anchor for us and pull us right back when we trying to surface up?

 :sharkbait:   

It's a tough time of year for all of us, it seems. And all the more for you with the exams and Diwali. I think sometimes we can overlook how the stress of anticipating these things can mean we feel very deflated when they're past rather than happy they are over. I think you have done really well and maybe you just need to be kind to yourself for a while as you get back to equilibrium.

I know you didn't want to study what has led to your current job. But could you maybe study what you originally wanted to? Even just something part time or for fun could be fulfilling and you might find it leads you to other things. I've spent my entire working life in a career I only chose because it was acceptable to my parents and I could do it well enough. I can't say it has been bad, particularly, but I have a strong sense of wasted talent now, with no scope to move to another field. You're young enough to have time on your side to try new things. You are special and you have talents. When we are squashed so thoroughly as children we cannot learn where our talents and interests lie. So I think you have some exploring to do. It may be necessary for you to apply for jobs that are not ideal right now, because we all have to pay to live, but making room for growth into new areas seems like something worth trying.

 :grouphug:

Ah BlueSky. All so well said and so poignant. It's not fair that even after we escape the situation the trauma still grabs at us. It'll take some time of being safe to be able to process through and recover from the horrors of what you went through. All I can say is imagine someone else you care about having gone through the same things you were put through and what you would feel toward them when they were still struggling to move past it all.  :grouphug:

Hon it's not just a one time trauma it was nearly constant. You've not been free from it for very long. It takes time to heal. But it'll happen slowly and steadily now that you are safe.

And there's nothing basic about you. You are a survivor. In your field that is going to be a huge strength. You have super powers from what you've gone through and you have super powers you were born with that set you apart from everyone else on the planet. I understand what you are feeling and it keeps me from feeling qualified to do even the most mundane job. But I know objectively...you have a ton to offer.  :grouphug:

Thank you NK and Armee for the hugs and kind and wise words.

My morning started with a smile after reading your replies.

NK I am doing Bachelors Degree for a 2nd time, this time in a field that I have been so passionate about and it's so close to my heart... Psychology.
But it's gonna be a long way as I am doing it part-time and it's a lengthy procedure to become an accredited clinical psychologist.

Quote from: Armee on November 28, 2023, 02:40:22 PMHon it's not just a one time trauma it was nearly constant. You've not been free from it for very long. It takes time to heal. But it'll happen slowly and steadily now that you are safe.

Thank you for the reminder Armee. You are right, It's been only two years since I have been NC with the sibling. And I still hear his name or see his photos in family conversations here and there. It's so difficult to be self-compassionate that we just have to keep reminding ourselves to love ourselves.

 :grouphug: 

Hi Blue_sky,
I am glad that you were able to get through that procedure (having your IUD placed).  I think you were brave.  I am sorry that people questioned your wish to have the general anaesthesia, that is your choice, and I understand it. 

I'm glad you're going to be celebrating Blue's Independence Day for the 2nd time. 

Hope  :)

Still going through another difficult week.

Monday was the 7th Emotion Regulation Class. I'm quite sad that next week is the last one.
Finally when the group was comfortable talking to each other and sharing experiences.... will probably never see them again...

We learnt about TIPP for distress tolerance.
T - Temperature [If you are someone who gets cold, get a blanket or a warm tea. If you are someone who gets heated up, ice pack to the face or cold shower]
I - Intense exercise [Like punching in the air for 20 seconds x 3 times]
P - Paced breathing [The intense exercise would lead to increased heartbeat so to regulate we do paced breathing]
P - Paced muscle relaxation [Squeezing your muscles tightly and then letting go; starting from the toes, one part of the body at a time]

Handouts were also given about different activities one could do to tolerate distress.

The mindfulness exercise was quite interesting. We were given those adult mandala colouring patterns and some colours.
After about 5 minutes (barely coloured much), we were asked to hand our sheet to the person on our left and continue colouring the page that the person on the right gave to us.
And after sometime they would get us to switch again.

The thoughts/feelings that arose for me:
1) As soon as I saw the mandala pattern, I knew I don't have enough time to complete it so I was worried.
2) Started colouring with "scented gel pens" but there was no scent. Felt sad.
3) The gel pens stopped working after colouring like 2 sections, this was the 2nd gel pen that ran out of ink. Started getting annoyed. Even wondered if they were doing this on purpose to get us distressed.
4) When they got us to switch the paper, I was nervous that someone else would continue my work and anxious that I had to colour someone else's and would have to make it good enough for them.
5) Also uncomfortable as that person was using blue marker and I only had gel pens so the colours/textures didn't match.

Did not think such a small mindfulness exercise of colouring could bring up so many emotions for me.  :doh:


Also work is super unstable right now. Boss said the past 5 months the accounts have been on minus and we will be doing 3 day work week for at least a couple of months (and even that's not guaranteed). Trying to find another position but not much is available and I have limited skills and availability as I have a lot of medical and academic commitments.
Plus mortgage. Plus mum's living with us. Plus friend's wedding in Japan next year. Want to hide under a rock  :spooked: 

Wait, what? Mum's living with you? Whose mum? How long for? Not that it is my place to question you, especially in your journal, but that sounds difficult. Of course you don't need to answer.

I'm sorry work is unstable. I hope a better position comes up for you.

Do you think maybe the group members could meet up for coffee occasionally? People might be keen. It is not easy to find people one feels comfortable with, especially for that sort of thing. It could be a nice, supportive group ongoing.

I think I would have felt very similar emotions during that colouring exercise. It sounds quite stressful, actually. But maybe you could enjoy it under other circumstances? Colouring, I mean, not having to swap things around. It can be very calming.

 :grouphug:

My parents visited me in July after we shifted to a new house. I did invite them because I thought it would be a good opportunity to try to re-work on our relationship since now they know what had happened. But I think within a week of them arriving, I realised that's not going to work.
They have never questioned me whether it's true or a lie per se but it also feels like they don't take things as seriously as they should be.

Teenage Blue was the most upset with me because she blamed adult Blue for inviting the parents over. And Teenage Blue already finds it difficult to bond with adult Blue. I thought Little Blue would enjoy having parents and nurturing around but it felt more "forced" than nurture. Like constantly trying to feed me or asking me to eat healthy or commenting if I ate unhealthy, or trying to get me to be more active (I have never been an active person). Mum was also trying out this "hugs every morning" routine and it felt so strange because we barely hugged in my childhood. So it all seemed fake or an act. She doesn't hug anymore, I don't know when it stopped...

Anyway, dad went back in Sept but mum's still around until April next year when we come back from Japan. On one hand it feels easier to have her around as she cooks and cleans and my fur babies don't have to be alone but on the other hand it also feels like I have a maid. Why is it so weird? She has also mentioned once before that perpetrator sibling has changed but I think I just cried and dearest husband had to intervene and stop the conversation. How would I explain to her that the kind of things her son has done to her daughter doesn't just vanish because he might have "changed".

Emotion Regulation classes are now over. I wanted to give my number to group members so we could keep in touch but I was a coward and couldn't speak up. One of the members gave me her number as we left the building so hopefully I will have at least one person to catch up with. I am also eagerly waiting for Zoom Group 2 to restart so we can have that sense of belonging and catch up. It feels so warm to talk to a group who understands! Thank you NK <3 (i want a heart emoji but there isn't any)

Wow. That is a verrrry long visit. I wonder if the hugging and cooking and cleaning is maybe her idea of how to try to make amends? Which is all very well but I can see how problematic it is when she then tries to persuade you that perp sibling has changed. As you say that does not in any way negate the damage done to you.

I'm glad you're in a zoom group. They are so helpful. And I hope you can continue to connect with the member of your class. If you felt up to it, maybe you (or the other member) could email the teacher to say you would like to connect and ask if the teacher would email the other members to see if they would be open to that. Just a thought.

 :grouphug:

Ugh I'm so sorry BlueSky.

I'm so glad your husband spoke up about why it doesn't matter if your brother has changed or not. That is irrelevant... good for him and society but that has no relevance to you. He will always be a trigger. He will never be a safe presence or reminder to have in your life. That isn't because of something you have done wrong, or that you just need to forgive and move on. Your brain will rightfully treat him and reminders of him as massive warning signs that you are in danger. And you will be in danger even if he never touches you again because of what that kind of trauma trigger does to survivors. It IS a matter of life and death and no amount of him changing or you forgiving him or you "getting over it" can change that. I'm so sorry it is inconvenient for your mom but that is what happens when people don't step up and stop a problem before it gets to that level. That's her burden to carry, it doesn't belong to you.

I hope you stay in touch with the person from the group.  :hug:

Thank you NK and Armee.

The thing is that its hard to believe he has changed. Because he was the "monster" only in front of me (I think) and nobody else (I hope!). And it's that monstrous side that is so cunning and sharp minded and is excellent in grooming and gaslighting and has no remorse whatsoever. I don't know if he has an actual mental disorder (highly doubt as there are no other symptoms) but I cannot forgive someone who would continue hurting their little sister when they are begging and crying in pain. So yes, you guys are right, it's for my M and F to carry that burden of how to manage that balance between their two precious kids.

M and F also don't know the extent and the details of CSA. I wouldn't be surprised if they thought it was a one off incident or just some "almost non-significant" molestation. I know such thing doesn't exist but in south asia, because there is such a high rate of eve teasing and unsafety that if someone just grasps your privates for a split second, it might not be considered as serious offence as Rape.

Ugghhhh.... since this is taking me to flashbacks and slow rumination, I'm going to log off and practise some of my DBT skills before it gets too worse.
I'll be back soon....

Ugggh, Blue. Uggggghhhhh.

My parents use the "different culture" card too though they're just from the UK and my sibs and I were mostly brought up in another 1st world anglo culture, not really that different in these kinds of ways.

You're off doing grounding exercises, I hope you get well-grounded again. I'm not writing anything more in response to your post because I don't want to trigger you again. I am standing with you!

Wow what a fortnight it has been! Not in a good way. Not too bad either...

Husband suddenly had to fly overseas to take his M for her health check-ups. It was planned quite suddenly and he is gone throughout Christmas and New Year shutdown period.
Which means I am at home with my M day in and day out. Luckily he had a chat with her before leaving and reminded her not to bring up any past topics while he's not around.

But he is my saviour, my knight in shining armour, the guy I depend on for everything. So not having him around is still painful. As much as I don't want to admit it, and want to fake it that I am strong and independent, teenage Blue feels very vulnerable without him.

Also found out a few days ago that sibling is back home and his wife (my sister-in-law) posted their photos on social media. I have blocked him but I hadn't blocked her as I thought she has done nothing wrong to me and I don't have any grudges towards her. But this triggered me very abruptly. His smile always feels like a smirk to me and it retraumatises me right away. My uncle also posted a photo of a room in my grandparents' house and it was "The Room" where it usually happened. So..... yeahhhh... everything is testing me. And I have an assignment due on 2nd Jan which is worth 40% of the unit.

I mean it's not the worst situation... But it does feel very tiring. I feel like I just need to constantly run away...  :sharkbait:

Oh, blue, that is tough. Maybe the assignment is a good thing - you have a ready excuse to hide away if your M starts getting a bit much.

 :grouphug:

Wow. Sorry you're going through so much distress, blue_sky. It's terrible when our parents invalidate us. It's also the challenge, no? To confront our parents and stay grounded in order to know whether they are on our side and participate in reparations or whether they're unable to bare witness to the damage done by the sibling and so we know to take the next steps in going low contact or no contact. Please take good care of yourself especially in these moments of just you and your M. If things get heated up you can always say you've to take the fur babies out for a walk (assuming they're dogs).

The assignment sounds like a challenge. Are there libraries nearby if you need time alone so you can focus on work without your M possibly disturbing you? This can create a physical boundary between you and your M, giving you respite. Assuming, of course, you're not doing it at workplace.

And talking about workplace, I know how it is to feel insecure about it. Had lived it before through restructuring and ultimately through resignation (not that I advise you to resign). Sorry to hear cuts are being made. Are there freelancing projects you can take on to make up for the difference in worked days? Unsure what your work exactly is (and whether there're projects available on), but Freelancer.com website may be a good starting point. Would you give it a try?

Also, well done on participating to the emotional regulation courses! I do hope you stay in touch with that other member. It sounds like you started to form a bond. :yes:

Oh Blue I'm sorry. I understand about how just a look or a smirk can throw us.

I cannot imagine how I would deal with having a FOO mbr even if 'just' an enabler in my house or flat. But I have had an enabler staying with me in the past so... It was really hard though. Sending lots of support! :hug:  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on December 30, 2023, 12:33:51 AMI cannot imagine how I would deal with having a FOO mbr even if 'just' an enabler in my house or flat.

I am replying to this here, although maybe it should strictly be elsewhere given this is blue's journal. But it does kind of relate, because I have noticed that I am utterly reluctant to have any FOO step inside my house. And yet the whole lot of them were here before our Christmas family lunch and I did not find it too bad. However I think that was because my husband was present for the whole thing, and thus I feel very much for blue because her husband is not there right now. That makes it so much harder. My mother used to come on fairly regular visits and my husband would make himself scarce. Those visits I now avoid like poison. Fortunately such visits involve her in a certain amount of travel which she is becoming somewhat reluctant to undertake so I can offer to save her the bother by going to see her instead.

It horrid when you feel like you want to run away and you are in your own home.

Continued good thoughts coming your way, blue sky.  :grouphug:

Quote from: NarcKiddo on December 30, 2023, 12:03:40 PMIt horrid when you feel like you want to run away and you are in your own home.

:yeahthat: Exactly.

Quote from: NarcKiddo on December 30, 2023, 12:03:40 PMContinued good thoughts coming your way, blue sky.  :grouphug:

 :yeahthat:  Hang in there. We are here! :grouphug:

Sending along support too, BlueSky. You are so strong to just be there right now. I am so sorry to hear that there have been many painful triggers lately. It's not a magic fixer but little by little it can help the tiniest amount... but just try to keep reminding those younger parts that they are safe now and you won't let anything happen to them ever again. Mama Bear Blue. They might not believe you right now and that's OK because you'll keep proving to them that things are different now. You have your own place to live with a safe protective husband, you have a job and are working on becoming a therapist who can help people just like those parts of you that were hurt so badly, and your mom is in your home which means you can ask her to leave if you need to. You aren't trapped anymore and you have more power than those little Blues probably realize. 💙

Happy tears rolling down my eyes as I read the comments. I feel so lucky to have found OOTS and you angels  :)

I completed my assignment which is a huge relief for now. Yesterday mum was on a video call with my aunts and I was happy to see them and talk to them as well. But after sometime mum went to her room and I could hear siblings fumbled voice. A voice that so clearly has resided in the core brain that never forgets. I tried to increase the volume of my tv to drown out The Voice but it felt like I could just hear him, like he was right here right now.

I kept trying to continue my colouring and focus on the colours but ugh I hate this feeling of vulnerability. I keep thinking I feel so strong until his face or voice or thoughts or memories pop up. Why does he hold so much power over me? Even after so many years and so much energy and work I've put onto making myself stronger?

Group hugs to all of you  :grouphug: Thank you so so much for reading and understanding and having my back ♥️

I'm so happy we can all be a support for you right now. It is NOT your fault that reminders of him are triggers. That is not because you are weak or haven't worked hard enough to heal. I don't think there is enough healing that could be done where that won't be a trigger because our brains are meant to protect us and reminders of him set off all the alarms. That's how it is supposed to work and it is working. Your brain is doing What it is supposed to.

I'm pretty angry your mom would have a conversation with him where you could hear his voice in your house. Can your husband talk to her over the phone and tell her to leave the house to talk to B? You deserve to not be overtly triggered in the safety of your home.

 :grouphug:

That's terrible, blue. Armee is right that your brain is doing exactly what it should. This is not a flashback (at least I don't think it is) - this is full on protection mode. It is one thing to work on being stronger to deal with EFs. Quite another to expect yourself to somehow cope with any element of his presence when you have done so much and worked so hard to escape him. It is just awful that you should be subjected to this experience. I totally agree with the suggestion that your mother go out of your home to speak to him. Or at the very least she goes into a room by herself, closes the door and USES HEADPHONES.

 :grouphug:

 :yeahthat:

The words in my head rn are "ongoing trauma".

I'm sending special safety barriers that shield you from all directions from whatever is going on in your home.   :grouphug:

Had another nightmare. Third night in a row. I wonder if me listening to True Crime Podcast has something to do with it? But i love the podcast.

[Trigger warning: SA]

Saw sibling's face and whole body in nightmare. He was just done with me and I had to run away from there. My body felt disgusting (you know when something is so smelly and dirty that instead of cleaning it, we have to burn it?) that's how I was feeling. I hurriedly tried to put my clothes on when he realised that I was trying to run away. I had to run with undie and pants only on one leg. I somehow screamed "help!" twice and someone called the police while I hid in their house. He got caught, my FOO were there, he had no remorse in his face. FOO were in shock. The police asked me what time the assault started (thinking it was a one time thing) and I said something like "Since I was 5". Shock and horror in everyone's faces around.

[End TW]

Anyway.. Does it count as a nightmare if the ending wasn't too bad? I dont know. I just know and feel this disgust and pain that I woke up with and will have to carry around today. 

Yes dear that counts as a nightmare and I bet it had more to do with being triggered by your perpetrator's photo and voice recently than the podcast. I'm so sorry you had the nightmare. There are things your brain wants you to look at and deal with slowly to start healing but it is awful to deal with.

I do know that dirty feeling. No amount of cleaning can take it away because it isn't yours. That beyond cleanbility dirty feeling belongs to your perpetrator(s). Since you were 5. A 5 year old is very very young. It can never ever be a 5 year old's fault.  :grouphug:

Set whatever boundaries you need to get those triggers out of your house. You have that right.

Dearest blue, it counts as a nightmare. I am only sorry that so much of it has also been your reality.

 :grouphug:

Blue feels blue yet again  ???

Partner is back after visiting his FOO. He got back so much goodies for me. I should be happy.
I have a new full time job aligned and that means my monthly salary will be steady yet again. I should be happy.
My assignment for uni is done, now all I have is an exam to pass and I will check another unit off my list. I should be happy.
I have holiday in Japan planned during Easter. I should be happy.

Then what causes this blue-ness? I can't even name the emotion anymore.

I feel so exhausted, my body just wants to go to sleep all the time. SI and SH thoughts feel like a light switch, I never know when it will just switch on/off.

 :grouphug:

"Should" is not usually an encouraging word. I sometimes find that I actually do feel happy about some big things I "should" feel happy about, but I beat myself up for not feeling happy enough. I am also not someone who displays emotions easily, and then in the case of something like gifts where I must display pleasure I find that putting on the act of showing pleasure means the actual pleasure I feel sort of gets lost.

I am happy to read that good things are happening. Congratulations on the new job.  :cheer: Things like a new job and a completed assignment, but with an exam still to go, and even a holiday, carry stress as well as pleasure and a sense of achievement or anticipation. There is nothing wrong with having mixed feelings even about things you want.

I am guessing your M is still there? That won't be helping but I am really glad your partner is back since he seems to be very good about protecting you and trying to make sure your M does not cause too much stress.

I am not surprised you feel exhausted and down. Try to be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Note to self: I want you to remember today, this feeling of healing after the job interview

Couple of months ago when my current employer decided that everyone's work hours would be reduced to 3 days a week, I was devastated. I felt personally attacked as if I wasn't a good enough employee; even though the reduced hours were for everybody. 2 people were even made redundant. I remember coming home and crying so much.

After a few days I gathered myself together and started applying to jobs in Psychology as I didn't want to return to the previous field. Since I'm still a student, there weren't many vacancies but I was still hopeful. One by one I got rejection letters and every time my heart broke a little.

Frustrated and financially driven, I thought I have to keep applying in my current field as well because my company might be bankrupt any day. I applied for a junior position because that was the only vacancy at the time and within 2 hours I got a call and they wanted me to come for an interview. And just like that, within a week I had signed the contract even though it was less pay.

Another company (where my best friend works) started calling me about a position that had become available and wanted me to join. I declined twice since I had already signed the contract for the junior position but when they called me the 3rd time, I decided to go for a chat.

One of the questions they asked out of curiosity was "why Psychology? what drove you towards studying it?" and without even thinking I answered, "Well I was a CSA victim in my home country and after coming here and finding help and meeting so many psychologists and professionals, I started feeling like this is what I want to do in future and will be my way to give back."
All three ladies in the room were staring at me and then one of them said "It's so brave of you to talk about this so openly."

Only then it had occurred to me that OMG  :aaauuugh: I just told my backstory at an interview without even feeling anything. It just came so naturally and there was no shame or guilt or tears. And my T told me that this is a huge step in my healing journey  :cheer: Anyway, I got offered much better position, more salary and the office and amenities are much better too.

The work will be significantly more stressful as this place is more commercial and churns much more work, but I guess I'd rather do something I don't like for more money until I find a job I like that might pay me less.

 :cheer:  :cheer:  :cheer: HUGE step! Congrats on new job and better pay! :hug:

Fantastic news!  :cheer:

This makes me cry in a good way. Way to go Blue Sky!  :grouphug:

WOW Blue Sky,

What a great story!  I'm feeling proud of you myself for how you answered the question, and I'm proud of your new employer for recognizing it as a positive attribute.

There are changes happening in the world today, and your story shows that some of those cultural changes are very positive!