Out of the Storm

I have a tendency to take a phenomenal amount of time when writing something via computer. I re-read every sentence I write about 15 times over, before deciding to delete all and start again... I'm going to try and let my mind speak here without overly analysing or judging.

Roughly 5 weeks ago, a trigger started an awful spiral which regressed me into a fearful child state. It was caused by the loss of a client-relationship at work. For a week or so, I kept frantically "busy" although hardly achieving a single thing, as I desperately tried to suppress the intense wave of feelings of worthlessness.

I re-started a course of anti-dep/anti-anx medication 3 weeks ago, and a week and a half ago, I put my work down to focus on finding myself and recovering. This was particularly painful as I'm self-employed and had to let clients know that I'm in need of a short break (explaining that it is a health emergency).

Over the past few days, I've started to feel remotely like me again. I feel as though I'm truly understanding and accepting the fact that my parents caused a tremendous amount of damage. In fact, I've even began to feel a tiny little bit of anger towards that fact (an emotion that is so alien to me).

I can say that compared to where I was 2/3 weeks ago, I've processed and healed a great deal. And I now accept and commit to the fact that recovery will be a long road and that managing my inner toxic critic is likely going to be a lifelong activity.

However, I'm terrified of being triggered or regressing to a completely helpless/hopeless state again. I will be resuming work soon (I'll work hard to ensure this is a gradual and manageable as possible). But also, I'm coming to the realisation that the regular contact with my oblivious and harmful parents is just as damaging today as it always has been.

This is something that I need to address very soon. I need to protect myself. I've spent a lifetime trying to appease them. Fix them. Trying to be listened to. Their behaviour will never change, and they will never acknowledge my suffering. I can't keep pretending as it is costing me so greatly. I need to draw the line.

Hi Bert,

Glad to hear you're feeling better and healing. It can be very slow and tedious journey but it will be worth it I'm sure.
I am also struggling with having boundaries with my FOO because there was no such thing as boundaries in my family. But that has led me to so much more pain.

I can also resonate the feel of "Anger" feeling alien. As a "girl", I was never allowed to be angry; or being angry would have consequences.
With the help of my T and during EMDR I started feeling this weird sensation of anger and it has been helping my inner teenager so much to let it all out.
Right now she feels angry with M and F and the sibling who caused CSA. And while it's not exactly helping me heal, it still feels so right to be angry towards each one of them.

Keep writing, it felt good to read your post. And hope you feel even better in upcoming days.
 :grouphug:

Very well done for taking the time off work to look after yourself. I am also self-employed and fully understand the ramifications and why you might have been reluctant. But your health has to be your number one priority, so again, well done.  :cheer:

Like blue sky, I resonate with anger feeling alien. I wasn't allowed to be angry, either. Not because I was a girl but because emotions were reserved for my narc mother. Especially anger. She could rage to her heart's content. Any of my more negative emotions were a problem or a direct attack on her wellbeing and she would piggy-back onto my positive ones, or squash them, depending on her mood at the time.

It is really good that you recognise what the problems are. That is huge progress, even if it feels a bit daunting as you survey what needs to be tackled. But you can do it. Take it step by step. Have therapy if you can access a good therapist. If you decide to enforce boundaries with your parents (or even go NC) that will help you very much in the here and now as regards dealing with them. But in my experience it may not help all that much with unexpected triggers into an EF as those may need to be processed separately.

Wishing you all the best as you navigate this.

Hey Blue sky - My heart goes out to you with regards to your experience. Healing will be slow, it will be tedious, but I absolutely agree that it will be worth it. And hopefully we can draw from each other's support and compassion.

NarcKiddo - The more we engage with each other on this forum, the more I can see how similar our situations / symptoms may be. While the circumstances are rubbish, I'm grateful to feel less alone. The second paragraph in your response is as true in my childhood as it was yours.

Thank you both for your kind words

For the past few weeks, I've had my wife and my uncle protecting me from my parent's contact, as I've been suffering from a panic "episode"/"regression".

You see, the thing that really tipped me over the edge, is a phonecall I received from my mother as I was just about managing from a triggering event with my work. Naturally, she was drunk (she's plastered 24/7) and perhaps feeling psychotic as she does...

Nonchalantly, she begins the conversation by discussing the trivial matters that have occurred in her day of being wasted on the sofa watching TV. She notices in my voice, that I'm uninterested. Angrily, she barks "what's the matter"? I explain calmly, that I'm not having a great time at the moment with my state of mind due (of course, I could never detail to her why my state of mind is often so fragile).

Lo and behold, she bursts out crying explaining how she's f*cked everything up, how her life is miserable, and how I'm not helping by being sad myself. I calmly re-iterate that I'm going to put the phone down, knowing that anything I could have said would have been futile.

"You're going to make me commit suicide!", was her response.

Yesterday, I posted a letter through their door. I guess I can't take this anymore? The letter details that I'm not well. It points out the various things that I've learned, that I'm going through, including diagnosis of CPTSD. I point out that although I'm sure they haven't consciously wanted to affect me like this - they have, and their very presence / interactions with me trigger me enormously. I can't tell them how to live their lives, but I can chose what to do with mine. And for the sake of my health, and my wife's, I must stop all contact with them for the foreseeable future.

I feel proud of myself for doing this. For actually standing up for my needs, despite how distressing and upsetting it is.

I really want to feel less chronically anxious, panicky, and fearful. I haven't been able to get back to work yet, and I'm worried about the consequences of taking prolonged time off. I don't even know if I can face my work anymore (self-employment) or any work for that matter... My wife reminds me that that is so unimportant right now.

What you did is so so hard to do and I am really proud of you too. And your wife sounds amazing too.
I'm sorry you grew up and are still dealing with those threats.

I wasn't able to walk away from my mom who sounds very similar to yours because I was just too dang triggered to disentangle from those suicide type fears. I lost many years of my life to the extreme ptsd symptoms from prolonging having her in my life. Lots of time where I couldn't be present for my own kids and so much exhaustion that I left work and haven't been able to return 2 years later (other ptsd work triggers too, not just from my mom but they all interact). Stepping away from your parents instead of keeping them and losing everything else is so wise.  :hug: 

Your letter sounds very fair and reasonable. You have not blamed them for having bad motives. It must have been hard to write and deliver, so well done.

Take care of yourself.  :hug:

Thanks Armee & Narc.

Armee, thank you for sharing that with me. In your case, I hope that your mother doesn't continue to emotionally suffocate you. And I hope that taking a step back from working has allowed you the capacity to feel more present with your life and children. I'm sure they love you for you, not for your job (and that you deeply know that).

Thank you Bert, that's really kind of you. My mom passed away 2 years ago and it was nothing but a huge relief. It's allowed space for healing to start. Before the constant drama from her just kept the trauma going day to day. I hope for you healing can start sooner than that now that you have taken solid steps to protect yourself.

I managed to spend some time with my sister yesterday. She is 16 and lives with my parents. She is plagued with troubles also, and I have always been her pseudo-parent / protector. We have a close bond, but I'm aware that my parents attempt to drive a wedge between her and I, as they do between us and everyone else in our community. They do this as a form of control. Alienate everybody else, in order to protect themselves and their fallacies.

She revealed that dad explained that I was just a problematic child. Got a few "mental issues" that stem from the passing of a close friend back when I was 18 years old. I burst out laughing. The letter I wrote, must literally have not been taken into any concern whatsoever. They've already made peace with it, and are trying to alienate me.

I very much love my sister. She knows she has a home with me. I think she knows that. I'm not concerned.

Aside from that - I'm actually having a relatively positive morning. Panic and depressive thoughts only persisted for a couple of hours. I feel a small sense of self-agency. Less self-abandonment. I took the dog for a lovely walk. Learning more about IFS as a form of self-therapy (which so far I'm really engaging with). Could this mark progress?

It sure sounds like progress to me. And keep in mind if you don't already have it there....progress isn't linear. If and when you do fall backward...you are still making progress and when you get back on your feet you'll be further than you were when you started. Just keep going. Setbacks and all.

Bert,
If I may, I would like to share my experience with the person in the role of mother.  It got to a point several years ago that I went incognito. AKA I ghosted her because at the time I had a BPD spouse in my face and with the added crap from the person in the role of mother, it would total fubar me for 2 weeks. Then I would get back on my feet, another couple of weeks and then another phone call.  It got to a point where something had to give. 

When I found out that the person in the role of mother finally died, it was like I lost 10 tons of weight off my back.

I "get" that she was a victim of a victim yada, yada, yada, still doesn't give her a pass for her actions.

Like the former spouse.

Wishing you all the best

Hi StartingHealing,

I'm grateful that you shared that with me. I've read that a lot you know - that sense of losing a huge weight of your back when they pass or are removed from your life. I'm glad that I have cut mine off. I just hope that they don't eventually end up knocking at my door. It's likely, since their righteous senses of self surely won't be able to accept that their son has disowned them.

I hope you're doing well.

Quote from: Bert on October 01, 2023, 07:47:44 AMHi StartingHealing,

I'm grateful that you shared that with me. I've read that a lot you know - that sense of losing a huge weight of your back when they pass or are removed from your life. I'm glad that I have cut mine off. I just hope that they don't eventually end up knocking at my door. It's likely, since their righteous senses of self surely won't be able to accept that their son has disowned them.

I hope you're doing well.

I pray that you are doing well also.  If they do come knocking on your door, call law enforcement.  We deserve to be safe in our spaces, you know?  If need be, put a restraining order on them.  It could be hard to do or maybe not so much.   I remember when I put one on the former spouse, it seemed like it was so hard at the time, but I was legitimately in fear of my life.  I remember thinking that if this was some random person, would I have any hesitation on getting that order?  For me that was a moment where I knew that there was a trauma bond.   

You have options, it's the programming we received that keeps us from seeing them. If that makes any sense.

Wishing you all the best :)

The weekend just passed has been awful. As has today so far, and I'm bracing myself for the week ahead...

Spent time with my sister in my uncle's company. He's wanting to learn more as he is navigating the situation with wider family. Of course, he cannot believe what he is hearing. He's desperately sorry for not intervening sooner. But I guess that's not really his fault. Myself and my sister's sense of reality have been greatly distorted. Their abuse was something to keep secret. "Every family has their troubles"...

What I learned from my sister, is that they have instilled so much fear in her with regards to their life. They have made her feel responsible for their health and wellbeing. She believes that if she tries to challenge them and/or the situation, that they will cause injury to themselves. They're effectively threatening her, that if she tries to protest, she will witness more abuse.

Social services have received an anonymous file against my parents, for the welfare of my sister - who currently lives with them. They called me yesterday to ask if I had anything to share. I explained as much as I felt I could. They shared that this is the third file raised over the past 7/8 years concerning my parents, and that they will be requesting for them to be interviewed. They are contacting them today. This fills me with dread. I almost feel sorry for them. I shouldn't, but I do. Also, a part of me is terrified that they will retaliate.

On top of this, my uncle martyrdomed himself with the wider family. He has shared an email addressing the wider family members, that knowing what he knows, he can no longer be a part of the family as it continues turning a blind eye. Which so far seems to be the case... This morning, I read a couple of the responses and felt despair. The general consensus is that the family cannot believe he (uncle) is doing this. As though he is causing the upset? Not a single person has reached out to me or my sister (hopefully, 'yet'). It seems, they don't want to know?..

I feel lost.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom though. I am making some progress with myself. I'm being courageous through this- that's for sure. I'm learning more about myself through my own IFS therapy/meditations. Quite honestly, I feel like I'm rebuilding and doing precisely what is needed ahead of my wife and I preparing to create our own family. Just can't help but feel truly empty and vulnerable at the moment. Still waking up each day with panic, dread and shame. I trust that things will get better. I will find myself again soon. And what will be, needs to be.

This is indeed a very tough moment in time. We're here with you as any fallout comes down.

We had similar moments with our mom, but less stressful because no minors were in the home with her. It's a lot to brace for.

What happens to your sister if your parents are found unfit?

(For what it's worth, in case it's helpful...my aunts have been very important in my adult life and I got a similar response as you...that they wish they had known how bad it was...I noticed I had a lot of heartbreak around that statement and even a little anger even though I love them deeply. Just thought I'd share that in case you were having stronger feelings than you'd expect from your uncle saying that)

Hey Armee,

Thank you for being there for me. I'm doing okay.

My sister is currently with me and my partner as we rescued her last night. As the feathers have been ruffled, so to speak, that environment in my parents home is now a hurricane...

She'll likely spend her days between me, and my uncle's for the time-being as things unfold.

I don't have much hope at all with the services - but I have managed to create some momentum with my wider family.

I shall post my mind here again soon.

 :bighug:

For you, your partner, your sister, and your uncle.

Bert

Bless you for caring so much about your sister. Some people admit today, that while 99% of their lives were under severe duress, they remember that one uncle, or brother, or neighbor, or teacher, who proved to them that they weren't completely alone in the abuse. So many people credit that one person for keeping them going when the rest of the world felt like a war zone. I trust that you and your uncle are giving your sister that gift right now. What you're doing by caring about her is no small thing.

I hope Social Services does the right thing. They're an overworked and overly scrutinized agency. If they make a bad call and remove a child who shouldn't be removed, or don't remove a child who should have been removed, they are crucified in the media later. I hope and pray that they take on the courage to make the right call in this case.

My prayers are with you and your family. This situation tugs at my empathy, because I have been through some similar things. not exactly the same, but along the same lines. Same pain. Same hope. So I feel it with you.

What I know for sure is that the ONE thing bullies hate the most, is when their victims stand up to them. I hope that your parents don't take their anger out on her. Meanwhile, your sister has the gift that you and your uncle can see her and validate her pains. She's not alone.

I sincerely hope for the best possible outcomes for all of you. Keep us informed.  And, again, BLESS you for being on her side. It means more than most people really know.

Thank you guys. Papa C - thank you for pointing that out. You are absolutely right. Through my hardship, I can't help but feel this selfless force that just wants to be that shining beacon for my sister. That has been there ever since she was born into the world. I think a part of me knew that that would become my role. To help her navigate parents and to be a role model for her. A sanctuary.

Don't where to begin with this entry. So much is going on.

My sister continues to live with me. And I've caught myself in a form of "auto-pilot" whereby I disassociate from my own emotions and feelings for the purpose of being what would look like an unfazed rock through this very difficult time indeed. A sort of parental instinct perhaps? As I said, She's much younger than I, and I've effectively played the appropriate parent role in her life.

Thing is, I recognise that that part of me is so profound. The "brush it all under the carpet, and keep going. It's not that bad" part. While it has it's value, I understand it comes at a great detriment to everything else going on inside of me. I think as part of my childhood, being gaslighted, being told that I should be this, be that, and that what I feel and experience in my life is vastly less important than my parents - it makes sense that I've basically lived my entire life so far in that state of being.

But given the world-collapsing anxiety attacks I've been experiencing, this mentality mustn't carry on.

Unsure where the social-services are at. But the wider family are actually intervening. Properly. They know of some truths, and I'm sure they will (some already have) witness first-hand the depth of denial and illusion that my parents have built. Sadly, I've witnessed the disbelief and sorrow of some, as they themselves realise how dire the situation is.

I'm really not sure how I'm doing at the moment. Whether I'm doing okay. Or whether I'm in that self-protection mode. Apathetic.

Meanwhile, self therapy with IFS is going very well. I'm learning so much about myself. So many "a-ha" moments and connections being built. It makes me feel hopeful and as though I'm productively working through myself.

My wife and I travel to the south of France soon for our wedding celebration/ceremony. We married in the UK in a registry office to get the legal stuff out of the way, but the social and celebration aspect of it is in a couple of weeks. Naturally, my parents are not welcome to attend. Not even sure it was a bitter pill for them to swallow. The family are in complete support. Cheering me on in-fact.

I'm looking forward to it now - nothing to look over my shoulder about. I won't be in a state of depersonalisation as I always am when I'm anywhere near my parents. I help describe that to others by offering the following; imagine a young deer in the woods, with two prowling hyenas. Nothing at all will stop the deer from experiencing chronic distress, vigilance, and the rest of it. Then imagine that the deer is only confound to a inescapable perimeter. It can only then feel "nothing" in order to bare the circumstance. Complete apathy and disconnect. I think that somewhat describes the feeling of DP to others.

Anyhoo. Thank you for reading. I hope you're having a good day.

Hello Bert,

Doing the right thing for your sister is one of the ways you are showing the highest possible love. All the strength you have within is still there and just as strong for her, as it was/is for you. The problem, as you've said, is auto-pilot.

When in emergency situations such as this, perhaps auto-pilot is not such a bad thing. You are aware of yourself and the way you've chosen behaviors to survive. That's different from being unaware and still figuring it out.

I like the way you've described the deer amidst the hyenas. Protective strategies are the first choice when threatened. In a way, auto-pilot is protective. It allows you to function, even though that functioning is not necessarily the way you'd like. 

We don't know each other, and all we have is what we share  here. Reading what you've written shows that you are courageous, kind, protective, strong, respectful, empathetic and altruistic. That's a good foundation which shows capacity. Take a moment to fully appreciate yourself. 

I am glad to read that your sister is now safe with you. I am also glad that your uncle is on board because you may need some help and support from him. Much as you love your sister, it is hard work taking on an extra person at short notice, especially if they are traumatised. I have personal experience of this with my stepchildren.

I believe your sister is 16? As far as I know she can decide where she wishes to live; Social Services and your parents cannot override her choice. Again, I have personal experience of this (I am in England so rules may differ slightly in other areas). You might want to check this, but if your parents should start threatening to take her back you may be able to reassure her and yourself that they cannot do so.

I wish you all the best as you navigate this turbulent period. I hope you have a wonderful time in the South of France.

Bert

I'm not going to clutter your recovery journal with my story, but I do want to tell you that I once had a little sister. Today I see any man who loves his little sister with even half of the heart I loved mine with, is a hero in my world. An absolute hero. When I write that I'm impressed by you, please don't take that lightly. I would give almost anything to have my little sister back. Being a big brother who steps in and protects his little sister is an honor worthy of great self-respect. I hope you can feel that honor. If she's counting on you, and you're there for her, then, as far as I'm concerned, you're one of the world's greatest heroes. On behalf of all the big brothers in the world, thank you for showing us how it's done.

Bert I just wanted to add a bit more to what Papa Coco just said. As a sister who never got the love and support from the big brother, instead was a perpetrator in CSA, you really are a hero and sisters like me pray everyday for brothers like you guys. Thank you for protecting her, for being her saviour. You are doing absolutely fantastic from what I read. Don't forget to take care of yourself too and be kind and loving to yourself too. Also thank you for sharing.

Good morning,

I wanted to say thank you to all of you. Your words are so moving and your encouragement is truly felt.

Lakelynn, thank you very much for pointing those qualities out to me. I have that chronic habit of thinking and feeling as though I'm never doing enough, coupled with the need for external validation and permission means that until somebody points out that what I'm doing is "right" or "good", only then am I able to appreciate myself.

Narc, I'm in complete agreement. My entire psyche has been turned up-side-down and I do recognise that adding the responsibility of my sister's wellbeing at such a delicate moment is tough. My wife sees this and I believe that arrangements are being made for my sister to spend a few weeks with our Aunt. I'm pleased, as she is great fun and my sister has a pleasant relationship with her. Thank you.

Papa C, similarly to what I responded to Lakelynn; I thank you for spelling that out to me. Please never feel as though you need to withhold from sharing a personal story with me. I can feel from your words that she was very dear to you. My heart goes out to you my friend.

Bluesky, as I read your words, I couldn't help but picture you as my sister. As I am there for her, please know I am here for you also. I hope you are getting on okay. And thank you for reminding me to take good care of myself.

Much love to you all  :grouphug:

Bert,

You are one heck of a nice guy. I can see it in every response you give to each person who interacts with you on the forum.

I know how it feels to have to be reminded of any good thing I've ever done. I can't write a resume' for myself because I've never accomplished anything. I'm not good at anything. I can, however, remember every single mistake I've ever made. My therapist keeps a running list of amazing things I've done in my lifetime. Every few sessions he has to run down that list to remind me that I actually DO have list of accomplishments. Each time he reminds me of my accomplishments, I feel like I've never heard the list before. My brain completely discounts any good thing I do for anyone.

I say that I overachieve because I feel like I have to work 4 x harder than everyone else just to keep up and be allowed to live another day in their world. I could save the entire planet from destruction on Monday, and then wake up Tuesday morning feeling like I'm the biggest loser on earth and I have to save it again today just to feel like I'm not a complete loser.

It's the trauma. We were raised by narcissists who made sure we knew we were worthless and we owed them our undying loyalty. Among its many purposes, Trauma is a teaching tool. It's meant to teach us to never repeat a disastrous mistake. It's a very good teacher. Feeling good about myself was a punishable offense in my childhood, so trauma taught me to never feel good about myself again. My own teaching tool was used against me instead of for me. I assume you might resonate with some of that.

Well, if you trust me, then trust that I see some real good in you. I like reading your responses. You're respectful to the people on the forum. That's a sign of a good person.

Take care, and much love right back to you.

Quote from: Papa Coco on October 06, 2023, 02:34:20 PMI could save the entire planet from destruction on Monday, and then wake up Tuesday morning feeling like I'm the biggest loser on earth and I have to save it again today just to feel like I'm not a complete loser.

This is so relevant! Thank you Papa Coco for saying it exactly like that.

Bert, that constant need to "prove",  to yourself and others is a legacy of cPTSD, but it doesn't have to endure. You are doing "enough", "plenty", "wonderful things" TODAY. You know it, your wife knows it and your sister knows it.

I'm sending thoughts of STRENGTH to you today.

Papa C, Lakelynn, I had myself a little chuckle this morning reading 'saving the world on Monday and feeling like a fraud on Tuesday'... It's so damn true isn't it. Thanks both. I'm going to log another entry below.

Had a couple of okay days. This morning so far is tough.

Sister is now living at my Aunt's for the next couple of weeks, which is a good thing. I can take it easy knowing she's safe and nurtured there. Albeit, she's no doubt beginning to understand that gravity of her situation.

I hear that my eldest uncle (father's older brother) wrestled my father out of his home, forcing father and mother to spend time apart to put a stop to their toxic codependence in the hopes that some time apart may help them to think reasonably. He (eldest uncle) is distraught. He rang me yesterday to share some words. He is in disbelief at the level of disregard that parents have for my sister and I - and is furious with his brother. I can only surmise that he is experiencing first-hand the degree to which parents are neglectful, and pressing that we are the problem and not them. Quite humorous, really... He was trying to contain himself I think, but I could hear the sadness and pain in his voice.

Sadly, this makes me believe that really, not a lot will change. It's only a matter of time before parents return to each other (when eldest uncle no longer has the patience or energy to hold father back), and their ways. What is positive, is that eldest uncle spoke directly with my little sister and explain that under no circumstance whatsoever, she will not be returning to that household with them.

D'you know... It feels like I'm typing this out for whoever may read this, to read, as a dissociative behaviour. As though if I'm sharing this with you, then it's like I'm creating a distance between the things that are unfolding (which are very triggering) and myself. To cope. I'm not sure how I'm doing. I'm really tired of not knowing how I feel. Emotions being so unpredictable. Because it feels like I'm always just seconds away from breaking down once again, and experiencing a flood of panic attacks.

Could it be that this forum is a coping mechanism for me, right now, rather than a gentle resource? Is that okay?

I'm really confused, lost and scared.  :'(

Quote from: Bert on October 09, 2023, 09:06:02 AMCould it be that this forum is a coping mechanism for me, right now, rather than a gentle resource? Is that okay?

Bert, I can't speak for Kizzie, as she created it, but I can say I have used this space for YEARS to cope. And IT IS OK!

The reason I think so is TRUST. That's pretty big for most of us, and especially for "new people" who are going through intense dynamics as you are. The things I see are your coping through writing, in my book always a way to clarify and process. When the story finally comes out, it can be pretty scary to read it, know you've written it and then (GULP) put it out there for others to understand you and hopefully get some reassurance, comfort, feedback, whatever you want to call it. I know sometimes I feel faint after writing. It's as though there is an unseen (ancestral) censor which is going to strike you with lightning, IF YOU TELL.

One of the great things about recovery, awareness and connection with others who understand is that you are safe, you can tell, and KEEP telling. This helps everyone, because those secrets, shame, panic, guilt, are then able to be identified as the defenses that they are, rather than holding them close and mistakenly thinking they are an identity. They are feelings which are now in the light of day, able to dissipate (maybe) with some compassion and "logic," We can't do it by ourselves, because if we could, we would have already!

What is positive, is that eldest uncle spoke directly with my little sister and explain that under no circumstance whatsoever, she will not be returning to that household with them. When an unhealthy situation goes on for a long time, it's really * to "call it" and stop it. It feels like the world is upside down. But this won't last because eventually, her living elsewhere is going to be a new normal. And over time, the upheaval and those feelings of disbelief will lessen.

You're doing a great job, it is a rocky road, but you're continuing to walk it. We can help you stay with it.  :hug:

It is totally fine to use the forum as a coping mechanism. Journaling is a well known way to help process thoughts and emotions. Doing it here means you know you have our support and the possibility of feedback that may help you

 :grouphug:

Quote from: Lakelynn on October 09, 2023, 11:51:35 AM

Quote from: Bert on October 09, 2023, 09:06:02 AMCould it be that this forum is a coping mechanism for me, right now, rather than a gentle resource? Is that okay?

Bert, I can't speak for Kizzie, as she created it, but I can say I have used this space for YEARS to cope. And IT IS OK!

The reason I think so is TRUST. That's pretty big for most of us, and especially for "new people" who are going through intense dynamics as you are. The things I see are your coping through writing, in my book always a way to clarify and process. When the story finally comes out, it can be pretty scary to read it, know you've written it and then (GULP) put it out there for others to understand you and hopefully get some reassurance, comfort, feedback, whatever you want to call it. I know sometimes I feel faint after writing. It's as though there is an unseen (ancestral) censor which is going to strike you with lightning, IF YOU TELL.

One of the great things about recovery, awareness and connection with others who understand is that you are safe, you can tell, and KEEP telling. This helps everyone, because those secrets, shame, panic, guilt, are then able to be identified as the defenses that they are, rather than holding them close and mistakenly thinking they are an identity. They are feelings which are now in the light of day, able to dissipate (maybe) with some compassion and "logic," We can't do it by ourselves, because if we could, we would have already!

What is positive, is that eldest uncle spoke directly with my little sister and explain that under no circumstance whatsoever, she will not be returning to that household with them. When an unhealthy situation goes on for a long time, it's really * to "call it" and stop it. It feels like the world is upside down. But this won't last because eventually, her living elsewhere is going to be a new normal. And over time, the upheaval and those feelings of disbelief will lessen.

You're doing a great job, it is a rocky road, but you're continuing to walk it. We can help you stay with it.  :hug:

 :yeahthat:

Quote from: NarcKiddo on October 09, 2023, 02:15:59 PMDoing it here means you know you have our support and the possibility of feedback that may help you

:applause:

 :hug:
I hear you. It's okay to not be okay. Hoping you feel better soon.

Hi Bert,

I've just started reading your journal and am sorry that you're going through so much right now. Like others have said, you're doing a great job of being there for your sister, and it's great too, that you have someone like your uncle to bear witness to what is happening.

I grew up in a narcissistic family with all the enablers, flying monkeys and dysfunction. Like you, no one ever actually knew what was going on, and they did a very good job of trying to hide it. I know that if I talk about certain family members they won't see that they were actually an alcoholic, or how another tried to hide their temper (and these weren't even the narcissists). I just wanted to say that it really, really sucked having to go through that and I feel for you. I'm glad that you and your partner (congratulations!) are there for each other. You're also not alone on the forum either. To me, it's healthy to talk to other people who have been through similar situations about how you're feeling.

Sending you support,
dolly

 :hug:

It's a confusing sad and scary situation right now. The good thing is though that you no longer live with them and your sister doesn't either. Now you focus on helping both of you cope and heal. Coping is not negative. Coping mechanisms are not negative. Especially not when you are in the middle of a situation that requires coping. Sometimes dissociation is a magic tool we all developed, forged in pain just for these types of situations. I don't like dissociating when I should be not dissociating. But when a situation requires some distance to get through, it is not so bad.

And I think it is very healthy to have places like this to go to get it out of you, to create some distance. Distance allows you to breathe and see things in a less triggered light.

I probably started using this forum as a coping mechanism too in the beginning, but then it became a resource as I realized these are real people here. Responding to me. Helping me.

Hey everyone, I've been away for a short while enjoying a break with my now-wife. I want to thank each and every one of you for sending your support and help. I'm going to write a short update as my next post as I'm certainly in need of picking this back up - it helps a lot.

So, I've just spent roughly 11 days in France celebrating mine and my wife's wedding ceremony with a bunch of close friends and select family. It actually went very well. I didn't struggle really... I genuinely afforded myself the space to just "be", and felt no pressure to do anything other than just enjoy the trip and the event.

I'm back now, and I'm finding it so so difficult. I thought that perhaps my nervous system had finally started to relax, and assume a position of stability to tackle getting my life back in order.

I shared a call with my business partner this morning as I try plan a gentle way back into my work. A 45 minute call that had me so anxious, panicky and afterwards, profusely crying. The call was mostly reassuring and under usual circumstances, nothing to worry about.

But I'm struggling. I haven't worked now for some 5 weeks as I have been in no fit state to deal with anything really - I needed a break from stressors and triggers to get me back to a semi-functional state. Early on in this time, as it is documented here, I also explained many of the details of my situation to my wider family and have decided to close-off my relationship with my parents as they too are extremely triggering (obviously).

As I aim to resume my work today, I'm experiencing the worst of it once again. Hardly slept last night. Constant shakes. Sensations of panic and impending doom. Can't keep anything down. It's quite evident that my work, or at least the clients and people I work with, I see as authority figures in which I feel totally responsible to help and that nothing short of my excellence is required in order for them to be happy, and for me to feel remotely validated and worthy.

Consequently, I am now terrified of the idea that perhaps I cannot face my work at all, for god knows how long. I'm so upset. I can't cope with feeling this broken  :'(   I'm going to try my best to expose myself to what I possibly can (which isn't a lot) in the hope that my confidence may begin to build. But I'm feeling defeated already and as though it isn't hopeful.

I could really do with some wise words from somebody who has experienced something similar. To tell me everything's going to be okay regardless... My wife tells me and it comforts me immensely. I love her so much.

Thanks for reading - I hope you are doing well.

 :hug:

It will be ok Bert. The break does zap some confidence and I'm guessing perhaps once you dip your toes back in you'll readjust and it'll get easier to manage than it feels right now.

On the other hand, these feelings are definitely trying to communicate something to you, that something about work is not working for you and perhaps when you are in a better space it will be clearer what type of change is needed to be ok for you. Changing jobs is ok to do.

Right now cut yourself a lot of slack because you are in both a difficult situation present moment and it is also stirring up trauma from the past. It's hard to navigate. I can't recall if you've mentioned if you're in therapy but that would be extremely helpful if you aren't.


I don't know that I have words of wisdom, what I have to say may be a bit demoralizing but I'll share it just so you know you aren't alone...

I had a fantastic career as a scientist for 18 years. I was loved at work, I was considered a star performer. I was constantly (literally) praised for my work. Sounds great but because of the nature of my trauma that was massively triggering. It was becoming unbearable. I didn't realize at the time how deeply connected...literally a trigger.. it was for a severe trauma but I did know it felt like I needed to run away and die every moment at work.

In the meantime at home things were also bad...I was a caregiver for my mom for 6 years some of this overlapped with pandemic homeschooling for my kids who have also been handfuls in ways that are triggering for past trauma. Taking care of my mom was also deeply triggering till the day she died.

When she passed I decided I needed to take a month off work to recover. After a month it was clear I needed 3 months off and got a doctor's note. After 2 months it was clear I wouldn't be ok in 3 month's time either. I gave notice and returned to work to wrap things up, file things etc. I could barely function.

I've been out of work for almost 2 years now. While I am doing better...recovering, healing etc...my confidence in myself and ability to work has drained from zero to start with, to deep in a hole.

So I guess my caution is that stopping completely is a mixed bag. I've had space to heal and rest, but it also has knocked me on my butt confidence-wise. I'll pick myself up eventually and certainly part of it is I have kids and being a mom is already quite a lot of work. But it makes sense to me that pulling away from work for 5 weeks would have some repercussions and I do bet once you put yourself back in it will not be quite so overwhelming. But do listen to those symptoms because they are saying some stuff needs fixing.

Hugs, if that's OK, as you navigate all this.  :grouphug:
And congratulations on your wedding. Your wife sounds like a wonderful support for you. That makes all the difference.

 

Hi Bert,
I just wanted to wish you and your wife Congratulations on your recent Wedding.

I know your having some anxieties regarding work and confidence - I really hope that you can maybe find someone helpful at work to discuss things with, or maybe things will work out ok, as you get back into things again.  Being away is a difficult thing, I know.  Hard to return to stuff sometimes, but I hope you will be ok.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :grouphug:
Hope

Hi Bert,

A huge congratulations to you and your wife and a big hug if that's okay  :hug:

I definitely experience similar to what you feel. Lots of anxiety and panicky moments before work, even on the way to work, sometimes even while at work. I also do understand the "authority figures and that i need to constantly give my 100% to keep them happy" feeling. I think every Sunday evening I get an anxiety attack. Some Sundays they're bearable, others can be quite bad where I call in sick on Monday. Yep I'm one of those people who constantly call in sick on Mondays.

In my previous job (same role), my manager was thick skinned lady and wanted everyone around her to be thick skinned too. She would call us a weakling or a princess if we called in sick for (and i quote her) "small issues like a fever or just a bit of flu". She would constantly say "cheer up buttercup" if I was having a low day, despite knowing some of my history. It became too much for me and I had to decide to quit. I talked to my husband about our finances and we knew that 3-6 months was easily affordable for me to be unemployed.

Luckily I got offered same role from another company so I was unemployed only for 4 weeks. (Although secretly I did want to enjoy my freedom a bit longer). At this place, I haven't told anyone about my history. I go to my "medical appointments" without giving details and I call in sick without giving the "exact" reason. It feels scary because I feel like I need to justify to my manager but I am slowly learning that a sick day is a sick day, I don't have to explain why I'm sick, what is hurting etc.

At work, I have to constantly validate myself that I am good at what I do. Even if nobody validates me, I try to believe in myself. It's incredibly difficult on days when my emotional mind is in charge... When my boss is hovering around (rarely), I tend to almost freeze. Recently we had an audit for a department which I am responsible for. I was constantly on the edge for weeks, once ending up in ED. But I am glad to say it's now over and I congratulate myself so much for going through it.

Sorry about the long reply, but as Armee said, being out of work can be a mixed bag. In terms of wise words, take a step back, breathe... let the wise mind be in charge... I like making pros-and-cons list when I have to make decisions, i write them out and see where things go. Changing jobs might be an option if its particular people that are triggersome but if it's authority figures in general, maybe option B would be therapies like DBT where you might learn skills to navigate the situation accordingly.

Your wife sounds like an amazing person, Bert everything will be okay. Believe in yourself, you are a good person. We are humans, we are allowed to make mistakes or have difficult days. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Blue Sky

Thank you Armee, Hope and Blue for your responses. I certainly accept all of your hugs.

It seems I can't face my work yet. I'm in a really awful place once again. I'm so very confused and feel utterly defeated. I was so hopeful that when returning from the trip away, given how joyful the occasion was, I'd find some strength again.

I can't seem to catch a minute's worth of a break from emotional flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and those feelings of doom and gloom. The worst thing is that my sleep and eating diminishes to almost zero...

When my wife heads off to work in the morning, I seem to panic a lot. While I'm in her company, I feel safer. When I'm alone, it seems I abandon myself greatly. I really want to be free from this  :'(

Bert, I don't have any wise words because once I finally realised I needed help badly, I was never able to get back into the normal working world. That was in 2000. I started out the year getting sick (mostly tonsillitis, then lots of different pains in addition, and finally complete and utter exhaustion) every couple of months, then it was every month, then about every 2 weeks, then weekly, then I was able to work either 2 days a week or 3 days and always flat out on the weekend. Eventually I more or less crawled to my GP on my hands and knees (I exaggerate a little but you get the picture) and said "You have to write me off sick, I cannot continue!" which she finally did. It has taken me a long, long time (years) to accept that deep in my soul, so I can really resonate with feeling utterly defeated and sad. I also get and therefore understand the non-stop EFs and intrusions.

ime inability to manage at work is also something that is often not really understood or acknowledged, not even by lots of Ts or by the afflicted themselves like me ;)  I hope your road to recovery gets you back at work in some form that feels good to you, but if you were never to get back on the normal job market, there are some silver linings in that cloud too though in my case NOT "all that spare time" that some people irl are so envious of. I manage a little work for money and for food but nothing like enough to support myself.

It seems I do have a few words and thoughts after all ;)

I can't access it for some crazy computer reason but under CPTSD and Others there should still be the sub-board Employment where you might also find some support, and where you will most definitely find tons of posts from me :roll eyes: :snort:

Congratulations on your and your wife's wedding! Good job on just letting yourself be, that's a big recovery step imho. Easing back into work will come if it's possible and unfortunately if it's not possible due to your degree of cptsd, it won't come. At least that's been my experience. No amount of pushing and slogging and self-berating and even medication heals these huuuuuge things. But as I say, I wish for you as for anybody else that your ability to work and support yourself isn't this badly affected even though that might of course mean that something else will be really difficult for you and easier for me.  :hug:

I have to be honest and say that I'm possibly experiencing the darkest days of my life.

I can't seem to get much control over my fear and self abandonment. I'm utterly convinced that I'm about to lose everything. I'm feeling quite scared of myself. My inner voices.

I'm struggling to function and do the most basic of things.

I'm thankful to everyone here for their continued words of support and the stories you share with me.

I feel that I'm not far away from being at my rock bottom and I am terrified.  :'( 

I'm so sorry you are struggling, Bert. Especially at what should be a happy time for you. Congratulations on your wedding and I am glad to hear it went well.

It seems to me like you need to try to rid yourself of this feeling that your clients are authority figures who require perfection from you or they cannot manage. This simply cannot be true, although I know just how true it feels. They are clients and they require a good enough job delivered within the framework of any promises you make to them as to quality, time frame etc.

Have you been able to share any of this with your business partner? I assume they have been dealing with matters while you have been off, so I guess you have told them something. I am just wondering if maybe there is some more admin/back office type of stuff that you could perhaps do to help your business partner out and have them do more of the client-facing things as you find your way back in. This suggestion may not be ideal right now, since your latest post suggests to me that your struggle is currently with more than work. But maybe if there is some routine, relatively easy, work task you could have a go at it might be useful to you?

It sounds like you would continue to take time off in an ideal world, but as others have pointed out, that can be a double-edged sword and when you are self-employed perhaps even more so.

Wishing you the very best.

Sending supportive hugs. Bert. I've been there. Rock bottom is a place to rebuild from. It's going to be ok. You are massively triggered right now and this makes sense that you are feeling this way right now. Deep breaths, walking, talk to your wife as much as you can.

Inner voices. Yeah. I used to get really freaked out because they'd say things that are not my own thoughts...thinks like I need to die. Whatever thoughts are there they are likely protecting you from something else. For me I'd have horrible thoughts about myself when I'd start to feel any emotion at all. It was an instant automatic way to grab my attention away from the things I am not supposed to feel. Recognizing patterns can be helpful.

:hug:

Hang in there. We are here. And we are either where you are right now or have been. 

Quote from: Armee on October 26, 2023, 02:37:35 PMHang in there. We are here. And we are either where you are right now or have been.

 :yeahthat:  :hug:

Quote from: Armee on October 26, 2023, 02:37:35 PM:hug:

Hang in there. We are here. And we are either where you are right now or have been.

Hope you feel better soon.

Hi Bert,  i would like to offer something helpful,  but i'm not very good at that,  just know that i am thinking of you,  i know how abandonment feels,  i hope you can find a healthy way to cope,  sending positive vibes your way 

Hi guys. Reading your words of support helped to pick me up a little over the weekend. Thank you. I feel like I want to say "sorry" for needing your words / help, but I know how ridiculous that is. Especially here.

Narc, things with work are taken care of for the time being and my partner is in complete understanding. In all honesty, should I be unable to resume. He will be fine and as will the clients I serve. I've tried to re-expose myself in the background to the smallest of tasks but sadly it has been phenomenally triggering and continues to knock me into a state of panic / survival. At the moment I'm just desperately trying to relax, calm and see my circumstance in the correct perspective so I can process it. I think I'm unconsciously spending a lot of energy rejecting it and expecting to snap back into my usual gear (which wouldn't be good anyway).

Armee, thank you. I'm trying so very hard not to lose hope, through this rubbish moment of my life. As sad as it is to confess - yes, those disturbing thoughts plague my mind also, at the moment. I'm consciously trying to change the language I use so as to recognise this all in the right perspective. The worst thing for me Armee, is that whenever I get a fleeting sensation of calm and togetherness, my mind fully attempts to believe that everything is okay and I am back to normal. Only then to be reminded by a flurry of hopelessness/helplessness that I'm on a horrible rollercoaster ride of my own debilitating emotions.

Larry, I appreciate the energy sent. Thank you and I hope you're keeping okay.

We all need it...the help, the words, the support, empathy, and understanding. It's brave to admit that.

We all experience those moments you describe, or have months of feeling good and then get slammed down for several months.

Healing is hard, Bert. Because there are those moments when you think "oh! I've beat it! I'm better!" And yes pretty much no sooner than that thought has arisen you are smacked down again. This happens to all of us here. At first it's depressing, then humiliating, then humbling...but eventually that shifts.

Healing CPTSD is like you are hiking up a long steep mountain carrying a boulder. After several trips up the mountain you realize you can carry the boulder with the other arm and switch back and forth and it gets minisculy easier to climb the mountain. Still a massive struggle, but a little easier. Then eventually you realize you don't need to carry the boulder and you leave it behind and it's easier to climb but still really hard. You get near the top but slip backward. Sometimes you slip all the way to the bottom of the hill and have to work your way up again. It feels like you made no progress but in reality all those previous trips up the mountain have strengthened your muscles and heart and it gets easier to climb back up when you slip.

At first in healing the progress is so slow. Every 2 steps forward you take 5 steps back. But eventually the math evens out more...2 steps forward, 2 back. But eventually when you fall 2 steps back you can take a giant leap forward and then when you fall back you don't fall all the way to the starting point. Eventually the steps backward become more like just being pushed back a little by a gust of wind. You stand firm, weather the storm, don't lose much ground, and then keep pushing forward.

At first I started going to therapy for not trauma. I thought it would take 3 months. Then it had been a year, and then 2. I was ashamed because every year mark in therapy I thought I was *almost* done...just a couple more months. And then I tick off another year. I stop telling myself I'm almost done because it's clear whenever I do another surprise comes and wallops me. I don't play that game with myself anymore. It's been five years. I can look back now and see how far I've come from those early days and years. That's good enough.

And those thoughts about needing to die...they aren't real...they are just distractions. You can start to gently think about what was the thought process happening just before those thoughts showed up and you'll start to see a pattern about what those thoughts about death are protecting you from feeling. You don't need to feel them yet, just see what's under the hood. That took the fear of those thoughts away for me. It's pretty normal to have them. You don't need to be scared of them. They are just thoughts and they are thoughts that serve a purpose and really have nothing to do with death.

 :hug:

I'm glad you're here

Thanks armee for sharing some love :hug:

it feels like my world is crashing around me at the moment. it is looking likely that i'm going to need to leave my work. my business partner isn't understanding and is behaving quite terribly towards me and my wife at the moment. I'm realising that I've perhaps done what many with cptsd do, and have entangled myself with a character that resembles my abuser. I'm holding on right now.

I'm in half a mind to check myself in somewhere as I'm so frightened of myself and being alone.

My wife is being so rock-hard with it all, supporting me so well and carrying on with her responsibilities at work.

I'm terrified of what is going to happen next. I need to prioritise my health as it is very dire at the moment.

I am very sorry to hear that your business partner is no longer being supportive and now seems to be doing the opposite. You have to prioritise yourself and your health. If your business partner cannot deal with that then so be it. I am glad your wife is able to be such a good support to you.

 :grouphug:

Even though we can't be physically there with you, please know that we are all here together, rooting for you Bert  :grouphug:

I second what NK said, definitely prioritise your health and your life. Work will come and go. It's not worth it to work for/with someone who is not supportive of your wellbeing.

If you need to check yourself into a hospital, do not hesitate to do so if that's what would keep you safe. I dreaded going to the ED when I had SI but that was a very wise decision I made and although I'm not proud of the SI, I am proud that I did what I needed to do, to keep myself safe. And it might also be helpful for your wife as she would know you're safe.

Please keep updating and lots of love and positive energy and strength to you!!!

 :bighug:

Wise words from Blue Sky. Survival comes first. I'm so sorry you are going through these things with your business partner.  :hug:

I second NK, Blue_Sky and Armee.  :hug:

Hi guys,

It's been a while since I've journaled here, or engaged with the forum at all actually. If I'm being 100% honest, I oscillated between thinking I don't need this, I'm just being really silly (rejecting my reality) and cautious that my monologuing was just re-traumatising me. Add in also, that I felt untrusting towards the kind words you all have shared with me.

A number have months have passed and I would say that my attitude has changed. I believe have accepted my childhood, and the condition that I'm in as a result. I have revisited the loving words you have all shared with me and I now *feel* your support, rather than just say that I do.

Thing is... I realise I've spent my life running away from negative emotions. Sadness, despair, abandonment, the feeling of just not being good. My vice(s) haven't been the more stereotypical types like drug misuse, alcohol, p*rnography, etc. I see that I've spent my adolescent and adult life running from feelings of abandonment, by achieving and that has been my vice. A type of left-brain disassociation as described by Pete Walker for those of you who are familiar with his books.

My body has collapsed on me and has forced me through this painful journey. I am thankful for it, as I am now hopeful of my future. Despite how challenging my life has been recently.

I've actually really started to *feel* the less-than-desirable emotions, which is kind of new to me. As like I said, the minute I feel any such emotion I would activate a busiholic flight response to escape. I think this is what the last 6 months of therapy has been trying to achieve. I'm virtually always "in my head" rather than "in my body" feeling the saw emotions and realising that infact, I am safe. I will not die.

I think I've really started to grieve for my inner child. A real turning point was when my therapist managed to get my inner critic to give me (mySelf) and my inner child a group hug. The feeling of inner connectedness when that happened was incredible.

I really hope you've all been well. I just want to say that I love you all. You're all incredible people for fighting through this and standing by yourself.

This is all so relateable. I am also guilty of just keeping very busy. It's the CPTSD version of "Don't look down."

Welcome back, and congrats on your breakthrough.

Welcome back.  :hug:

You're incredible, too. I'm glad you are feeling hopeful for your future and that your therapy is helping you make progress.

:grouphug:

Quote from: Bert on January 11, 2024, 10:24:03 AMThe feeling of inner connectedness when that happened was incredible.

[/b]

I feel so happy for you. Welcome back.

We all have been through the "i dont need this therapy/group/medicine/(insert anything)" phase.

 :grouphug: Waiting to hear/read more from you.

Bert,

It's good to hear from you again. I can't count the number of times I have felt like I've worked through everything, and then spent some weeks or months feeling victorious, only to end up triggered again, and surprising myself by the fact that the trauma responses are still there.

It's great to hear that your therapist is one who brings your inner child and inner critic together for a group hug. I read a lot of books about PTSD and trauma, and during these days, it seems that a lot of experts are finding that bringing us back together with the little parts that live within us, (currently called IFS therapy), is proving to be one of the most successful treatments to helping us find some peace within ourselves again.

Welcome back, and I look forward to more interacting with you.

Morning guys,

Thanks for warmly welcoming me back - it's fantastic to have a little supporting community on here.

You know, over the past 4-5 months I feel as though I've unravelled this to the core. You know the stages... Denial, bargaining, depression, grief, etc. It's been very painful as I'm sure you all know to well.

Papa, you point out a very true thing. The inconsistencies in my mind are crazy-making. In the whole PD / dysfunctional family system, I'm certainly the Hero child. So I've developed this mindset of portraying ultra-confidence, ultra-competence, ultra-togetherness, etc. So, in my case, it's debilitating to have a mindset (or a part) that is super "ahh, we've got this, this is nothing, we're on top of the world" to literally being cocooned under the sheets in complete despair.

I fully accept that I'm going to need to be able to let go of the super-achiever perfectionist, or at least cut him some slack. Bringing him closer to my inner exiled child, who is terrified. I'm going to need to manage countless emotional flashbacks in the future, I'm sure. Perhaps in accepting this and willingness to work through and to keep trying, things will get better over time?

Loads of love to you all

A tough morning this one. Not debilitating, and I'm managing through fairly well.

Avoiding doing my resume and applying for work despite having agreed with myself that we're ready to give it all a go again.

Up until 6 months ago, I was running quite the successful business. I've a decent name for myself in my local area and have spoken to a couple individuals I feel that may be interested in employing me. The resume/cv that I'm to put together, I know will be a compelling one as I've many accolades for that "success" thing.

However... I'm quite scared. I don't want to go for a high-responsibility job that my resume and history would suggest. That'd be catapulting me right back into the high intensity relational atmosphere which triggered me in the first place. I want to take it easy, and find joy in a relatively lower-responsibility role where I'm support by a good line-manager and a few team mates. But I fear many would see me as over-qualified for such a position. I don't care about the money. Just want to get myself working again, in a good-enough job that I can manage.

I hope that employers would understand that desire? It's so strange in this "rat run" society where everyones chasing more and more and more.

Therapy in an hour which I'm looking forward to. And afterwards, I might just take myself out to a quite cafe and update that resume of mine.

I think a lot of people would understand and respect that desire to step back into a less stressful role. I'm doing the same with my job and my previous position wasn't even stressful. They are kind of confused of course but just want to get me back to the work force. Hopefully you are met with the same kindness and can get back to work in a way that keeps the triggers low.

Thanks for your words Armee. I hope you too find the right role that suits your needs  :hug:

Sorted my resume. The process itself was fairly enjoyable once I had gotten myself started. I actually took myself out to a local coffee house, sat at a quiet table with the sun shining in. Was the perfect place to get something like this done.

It truly is mind-boggling how a part of your psyche just refuses to believe that you are worth anything / completely incapable. Updating my resume was the perfect opportunity for myself to sit with my inner critic and my inner child and show them that we aren't completely incapable.

I've a couple of conversations lined up with potential employment opportunities. Not expecting a great deal, but I'll cut myself some slack. Having those conversations is a far cry from where we were at just a couple of weeks and months ago.

Also dealing with estate agents as we are selling our home to downsize. Plenty of house work to tie-off in preparation for visitors.

Hope everybody here is having a positive day.

It sounds like you are making really good progress, Bert.

I can totally understand the attraction of wanting a job you are possibly overqualified for that is not too taxing and where you don't have to take the stresses of work home with you. That is a fairly easy ambition to "sell" to an employer if you are getting closer to retirement age. But I think you are significantly younger than that so I guess you may need to be prepared to be more open with a potential employer about why you are going for the types of jobs you are. A good manager would absolutely love to have a really capable employee who is happy just to do a good job and is not trying to take over the world. I wish you well in finding the right fit.

Bert,

I resonate with a lot of what you're saying here. I worked in a very high stress job for many decades, and used my off hours to do more stressful stuff like community service and taking college course.

Being busy was better than being depressed. But during my fifties, that all started to unravel. Being "too busy" became being "too stressed" so I started easing back on after-work activities. The job was still very stressful, and it became all I could handle.

At age 60, during the first year of COVID, my employer of 42 years went into financial distress, and cleaned house. I was laid off. I was able to turn the late-in-life layoff to an early retirement.

But that didn't end the stress, it only changed it. To go from being too busy to being discarded was a shock that I almost didn't survive. My own problems were all I had to focus on and I wasn't taking to that too well. I'd hide in bed, or isolate for weeks on end. Lost. Discarded. Terrified of what might come next.

I eventually had to do some radical things to keep myself alive. At the very last thread of my last rope, of my own sanity, I started Ketamine Infusions. I also searched the internet for a good support network. That's how I found this forum. Between this forum and Ketamine, I survived.

Well I'm settling into retirement now and am getting bored. I need to be needed. Like you, I want to find some sort of meaningful work that's not too stressful, but this world is so full of anger and distrust now that I can't think of a job that doesn't have angry customers, greedy narcissistic management, or just plain high stress.

So I'd like to just offer you a fist-bump to say that I feel a bit of what you're describing and I truly want to wish you good luck finding meaningful work that doesn't stress you out. I'm pulling for you.

A little update to my journal.

Narc, Papa, thanks for your words of encouragement. The past week or so have been fairly okay- scratch that, in the scheme of things, things have been very good.

The job hunting aspect is coming along nicely. I seem to be at the deeper end of a conversation which might have me returning to work as a part-time employee (3d/w) for the first 3 months and then full-time after that. It happens that that is mutually beneficial and so I'm waiting to hear back. The hiring manager is a person I worked closely with 4 years ago and established a good professional bond with. A bonus is that they are empathetic-enough to understand my situation (I disclosed a little about what's been going on). Anyhow, I look forward to seeing if this opportunity comes to fruition. If it doesn't that's okay too, I'll continue to take my time looking for the right kind of work opportunity.

I've successfully handled a few minor EFs which previously may have caused me to regress big-time. I think the therapy is really starting to get through. Here's an interesting note... I've worked with a trauma-specialist therapist who is proficient with EMDR and IFS techniques for over 2 years now. And only recently have I felt genuine trust towards her which I think has been a real turning-point.

Our house is going up on the market imminently. My wife and I are both looking forward to nesting in the next place- especially as we're now expecting a child (she's 9 weeks pregnant). I'd have thought this would have really weighed up on me in terms of pressure and more ammunition for my critic to launch attacks about how pathetic I am / unprepared I am. But it's been the opposite actually. Exciting.

Trying not to fall into the habit of kidding myself / portraying over-confidence. I'm completely accepting that challenging moments and triggers will present themselves. But I do feel a bit more robust in handling myself through them.

Hope that my OOTS family are all doing well.  :grouphug:

Congratulations Bert!!!

It'll be a gift to you, your wife, and child for you to have a less stressful career so you can share in the day to day of raising a child and get to enjoy that beautiful bond.

And congrats too on the job hunt amd the promising potential for 3 days a week to full-time.

What a lovely update. The 3 day week job sounds great so I hope that works out for you. But, like you say, if it doesn't then there will be other things coming along.

And talking of things coming along...congratulations on the pregnancy.  :cheer:

We're so happy for you Bert  :cheer:
 :grouphug:

BERT!

Things sound so positive. Congrats on the new baby, and it sounds like you're pretty satisfied with the new job prospect.

Also the Therapist you've connected with is a blessing in itself.

I hope to hear more about all the changes and how you're doing with them. I know how those EFs can come on us, even when the changes are positive. Stay in touch with the forum. And enjoy that new baby! Gads, I loved it when my kids were born. Such a special time.

We're here to support each other always!

Good morning my friends at OOTS,

I hope you've all been well. Again, it's been a little while since I've posted as things have generally been going well.

The main reason I wanted to write into my journal again is because I'm 3 days into my new role and I am sensing that I need some support to help me with getting myself back into work.

So far, I can't raise any "red flags" with my new job. I've been very much looking forward to getting myself back into work (and this time, in employment as part of a team rather than self employed all on my own). The people seem absolutely fine and I approach this with the mentality of not becoming overly emotionally invested into relationships, etc. To treat work as a means to earn a living and to stimulate myself.

I have joined this team to lead on one of the agency's larger clients. All seems well. It is a large account with many moving parts. And already I'm feeling some slight emotional disregulation as I am probably expecting myself to need to provide value from day 1... It's like I'm uncomfortable in not being able to help immediately (because i don't know anything yet!? Right...). I can feel myself, or should I say, my unreasonable self / critic, wanting to be a hero and to sort everyones troubles out - and that is translating into overwhelm and stress.

Basically... I need to be way more patient to myself and to try not to get disregulated too badly.

Any comments on this would be hugely appreciated.

Hope you're all well!

Bert,
 Good morning!
 I can tell you from decades of personal experience: One of the most frustrating things I've dealt with as a worker is a manager/ supervisor who implements changes before they even know what's going on.This can crash an entire program and increase stress for everyone. People adapted to the existing mode of operation for a reason.
 The best managers always observed first. They asked questions, got a good feel for what the needs/ challenges were, and only *then* acted.

 The best thing you can do for your team is also the best thing you can do for yourself: Resist the urge to jump in and save the day immediately. That's far more likely to do harm than good.

Best wishes,
-Slashy

I hope you can keep posting here and there Bert as I'll be in the same boat in less than a month, returning to the workforce with a reputation that proceeds me as a super performer but needing to keep things manageable and "just a job."

If someone new were coming to my team I'd rather they ask me what tasks I could use help with than have someone new try to solve my problems. So kind of like Goslash27 I'd probably avoid trying to save the day too soon and instead try to be mildly helpful. What can I help you with in the short-term while I learn more about what I can do for the team long-term?

Morning guys,

Thanks Slash and Armee for your insight and advice. I'm completely behind the words you have shared.

Unfortunately, the weekend has been quite tough. I am dealing with very intense emotions and EFs. Of course it's normal to feel overwhelmed in a new job, perhaps a slice of imposter syndrome is expect also. But these feelings are exceptionally triggering. I've shared a few tears and have had to combat a self-deprecating mind over this weekend so far.

Though I have a much better understanding of the condition that I possess, and by extension I'm a little more compassionate and understanding of my behaviours etc - I have to admit I am struggling.

I feel like I'm different... Pre CPTSD diagnosis, to now. I fear that if I can't hold this job down, I really am hopeless, you know?

Perhaps I cannot cope with the stresses of the industry I work in any more. Is my body telling me to change? Or is this a deeper desire to avoid and run away?

PS: Slash, it's nice to make your acquaintance. And Armee, I wish you the very best as you re-enter your working world - I feel proud that you're taking that step!

Hi Bert,
I just wanted to say that I think it's good that you got through your first week at your new job, and I know you're experiencing some intense emotions and EFs over the weekend, but I hope that you are managing today - and that you are ok. 

I think it's good that you're more compassionate towards yourself.

Take care, and wishing you the best for today and tomorrow.  I hope it goes ok, and maybe better than you anticipate even.

Hope  :)

Good morning OOTs,

Thank you for the kind words Hope, it means a lot. I hope you're doing well  :hug:

I've something quite important to say. I decided to resign. I've decided that I need align my career goals to more of who I really am. Despite the work I had done, and the excitement I felt on Day 1 of this new job, from Day 2 onwards I could feel myself slipping into the pits of despair, loss, and all-round miserable-ness. I think I've realised that this industry that I've contributed to for the past 8 years has been a product of my CPTSD. A coping mechanism if you will. The nature of the work in this career (advertising/marketing agency) is never-ending deadlines of utmost importance and with no "thank you's" or smiles along the way. Effectively, it's like me pandering endlessly and frantically to my abusive M & F and not knowing what or how I can help them or get a sense of positive feedback.

I've been far more in touch with mySelf over the past 3-6 months as I had to take a break from work, and have learned how deeply I care for people, I care about their smiles and joy, I like to enrich peoples lives and as I'm sat behind my laptop in my "new job" (that's the same old heartless and joyless graft) - I can feel my inner parts screaming "what are you doing?".

I resigned yesterday, incredibly respectfully and explained that I now know that I need to change career and align it to my values. They took it... meh. It doesn't help that the primary resource on the account I was going to lead had also resigned that day... (red flag right).

Regardless, my EFs and inner world are back at peace knowing that I'm on their side. That I'm listening to them, and they do not want us to carry on in this line of work.

What I do next? I'm unsure... But I'm not terrified. I've a few ideas... I could set-up a dog walking / dog-sitting service in my neighbourhood, I've an idea to consider being a luxury car salesmen, perhaps an estate agent? I've a bit of searching around to do. But I kind of feel like this is absolutely what I need to do. An element of "lightness" about my body.

My fear of course, is I'm giving in to avoidance. I don't know... I don't know how to discern what is what with this, but I kind of know that I can't continue as how I was before. My body simply refuses it (and boy does it get in a very bad way, quickly).

Have any of you guys experienced something similar? Let me know.

Love to you all

 :cheer:

Way to go listening to yourself!

I'm really proud of you Bert.

May I suggest only for consideration...

There are ways to put your current set of skills to good use helping people, too. For example in the US at least there's the ad council and they do advertisements for the greater good...public health etc. Or if you are willing to deal with bureaucracy...government agencies...you could find one who's mission aligns with your values and help with communications, social media, etc. For example I worked in a federal agency and we were always trying to design what we called "public outreach" to get out info on how to protect yourself and family from things like wildfire smoke. Greater good. BUT we were all scientists and engineers and had no idea how to market things. Just a thought. There are state, county, city, federal agencies who could use your skills. I don't know if you are in the US but there are agencies who focus on mental health for instance. All I'm saying is your skill set can actually help people if you wanted to keep using it. Government can be frustrating but rewarding and the worklife balance is good too. Just an idea. Dog walking also sounds really nice.:)