Out of the Storm

9-24-23

I have noticed that I have a thing with time and dates.  Maybe it has to do with all the crap that I have been through up to this point.  Maybe not, not really certain of much right now. 

I remember a time where I just "knew" somehow of when I needed to started heading back to the casa because chores would be starting soon.  On a family farm, and there was acres and acres of open range.  I'd go to the dry creek, the pond, hang out in an old elm tree, or whatever. 

Today has been, well, first insomnia hit last night, there was part of my brain that just had to rehearse the possibilities of what I was going to say to a judge at the zoom hearing.  I do not have a lawyer to represent me.  I've had prior dealings with the judge and to say he's a loose cannon is putting it mildly.

Lots of anxiety around what the former spouse with undiagnosed BPD / NPD and ???? did to me abuse wise.  I'm still separating the mental illness and the abuse.  I know in my head that i didn't deserve it, but in my heart.. Gotta get that convinced as well you know?

I'll call her B for now.  I won't be putting any information that can be traced directly back to the individuals involved. 

She's got this crazy idea that the residence is worth more in the market than it actually is and because of her disorder the inside needs lots of help. Neither one of us have the $$ to throw at it.  Not that she cares. That's another thing.  Did she ever care?  Did she ever give a crap about me and my hopes, dreams, feelings?  Or was that all smoke and mirrors to get me to attach to her for her "supply"? 

I've done several youtube dives into Vanikin, Gannon, and folks like them and it's cold comfort that the relationship was going to fail no matter what I did.  In a way it's also freeing because there was nothing that I could have done.  The 3 C's.  Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.  Even so, even so.  Even if it was some other swinging d--k, would have been the same result.  Sometimes I think it would have been better for all involved if it had been a different dude.  Not that I'm wishing harm on anyone. Heavens no! Still have that nagging thought every once in a while of "what if".

I loath this house. Not the physical house, it's been a good house, I loath the scars left in the drywall and paint directly related to her.  I hate the echos of things past that remind me of the * that I survived.  The effort and energy used in an attempt to mitigate her crazy.  The total 100% drain she was on me.  Even in the "good" days.  The walking on eggshells, the always watching myself to not get open a can of worms, watching tone of voice, watching how I moved, how I breathed, watching every single thing and for what?!?!  For her to come back and ask the court to evict me so she can move in because somehow now she has 10K for a fecal matter patch and paint job and piecework flooring? 

At the moment, I cannot say with certainty if I have ill will towards her as another human.  I do have a metric ton of ill will towards what she did though.  Not only to me but to my daughter as well.  Even her own child, she abused like she did me.  My daughter is ok, now.  She's spent multiple years in various therapies and is doing alright.  Her own child is stuck and in his mid 30's, and I'm just getting my feet wet in allowing stored emotions to release.

I've been through some serious physical things in my life. I've forgotten the amount of times I lost it on a dirt bike, or got hurt in some way on the farm, been through several workplace accidents, overcame self medicating with alcohol, have been concussed many times, and somehow or the other my body knows how to make things right.  I'm trying to have that same faith that it knows how best for me to release all the stored emotional energy.  I'm trying to have faith that things will work out for my best.

If I could snap my fingers and have the situation change, I want free of the house. I want free from her. I want to be in a place that is new to me so the echoes of past injury are no longer around. And enough seed money to start my next chapter.

This is a continuation because I've had myself a good cry, told myself that I forgive myself for not standing up for myself and acting out telling imaginary "b" where to stick it based on the emotions that were coming up at the time.  Damnedest thing is that I've been not in her presence for well over a year.  Strange how things work. 

I grieve for what could have been and the never was. I do not grieve for her. I do not miss her presence in the least. In fact as I have been able to I have been replacing everything that has any kind of memory attached.  next on deck is the clothes hangers. One of the first things I changed was the bed & sheets & pillows.

There is an inner part, younger, has been very expressive in his distaste towards "b".  Understandably so, lets paraphrase and say that an unpleasant death with the weight of all the pain that was caused to others is experienced. 

Well, I need to eat again and fold laundry.

Sending you wishes for a fair hearing with the judge and the hopes that out of this you get that...seed money and freedom.

B sounds similar to my mom which was BPD with flavorings of NPD and Bipolar Disorder. It was a mess. I'm glad your daughter is doing better.

@Armee

I still shake my head at how common the patterns of behavior is with those types of folks.  I do not wish those experiences on any being. 

Peace

9-26-23

Had a really good conversation with a person I consider to be a mentor yesterday.  That's the biggest thing is having a connection to another human that you can connect with and that you feel safe with.  Then the method comes after that. 

From her point of view I'm doing pretty good, it seems the pattern for me was being "normal" in an abnormal situation.

Adoption from the child's perspective isn't normal. 

then 25 years with a BPD.  Again not "normal"

I've decided tho, that this is my life and by gum, I would like to enjoy it.  Have to definitely step up my self care more.  And Self compassion.

 :applause:

That's right. All those things are true.

9-27-2023

Yesterday was pretty good, was even able to work on some home work. Then due to the legal stuff that is going on, I was pulled into that.  Trying really hard to treat myself with some self compassion and when a thought spikes the anxiety, I am attempting to catch the thought to then speak to it.  That thought is from the past.  The past is the past. I love that part that's trying to keep me safe. or That is a future thought.  I understand that there is a part of myself that is really really worried about it.  I understand how worrying it is.

Also have cut back on nicotine consumption.  Healing crisis, going with what feels good.

Still getting used to the difference in timing between body, emotion, and thoughts.  And then where am I relationally to those? :)

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.

9-28-23

Last night was a blast from the past. Literally. Back when I was a teen, there were nights that I didn't "sleep" it was like the body turned off but the brain kept chugging.  Lots of emotions being generated by a "part"? I guess.  Wanted to war game on an upcoming legal hearing in the future.  Then there was crap from the past, and back and forth, I was still able to function for work.  Found out about L-theanine, an amino acid that works like a ssri. once daily type thing. Picked up a bottle from the store yesterday and with 2 doses it's been beneficial so far. 

Feels like I was able to get through to the various parts and explain that "hey that's from the past" "uh that's in the future" then I would repeat that " In this moment I am ok." Didn't count how many but it was a large amount.  Logically, there in this lineal time line we experience the now moment is all we have.  That is also our point of power.  Diaphragm breathing is also a wonderful thing as it massages the vagus nerve to help soothe. 

Nicotine consumption is higher today than last couple days, figured it might be because of the night before. Caffeine still at one cup of green tea.

Also doing the self hug and telling myself that I love you, every single part of you. Your so strong and brave. Felt a bit odd in the beginning but it does help.

Well, if I am attempting to be a bestest friend to myself, what would someone like that tell me?  If we don't advocate to ourselves for ourselves then what?  The messages that we received, that in some part we believed, how to counter act those negative messages?  Compassion, you know?  All of us here have been through some fecal matter. And yet look at us, I am in awe of how courageous and loving we all are.

I do wish all here, all the best.   

All things considered you are doing really really well.  :hug:

Hey StartingHealing,

Whelp, your rollercoaster ride of emotions, thoughts and intellectualisation sound just like mine. I do hope you're managing okay. If your not, please allow yourself to not be okay - perhaps you can take my permission to feel not okay, and that might just inspire some self-compassion and the space you need. I often feel I need "permission".

It's funny how inherently compassionate we are to others. Yet, we're awful at turning that inwards onto ourselves?

It does sound like you're really practising that muscle of being self-loving. Please do not stop practising that. It is so crucial!

Take good care of yourself  :hug:

Quote from: Armee on September 29, 2023, 02:26:35 AMAll things considered you are doing really really well.  :hug:

Thank you.  Some times it sure don't feel like tho..  :fallingbricks:

Quote from: Bert on September 29, 2023, 07:43:21 AMHey StartingHealing,

Whelp, your rollercoaster ride of emotions, thoughts and intellectualisation sound just like mine.  Yeah, my childhood kinda pushed me into my head a lot I do hope you're managing okay. I'm hanging in there. I've found a stack of herbal supplements that help keep functional while not numbing me out. If your not, please allow yourself to not be okay - perhaps you can take my permission to feel not okay, and that might just inspire some self-compassion and the space you need. I often feel I need "permission". I'll gratefully accept your permission if you will accept mine good sir.  I know that it's not a forever thing. It sometimes feels like it when I get caught up into the emotional storm.

It's funny how inherently compassionate we are to others. Yet, we're awful at turning that inwards onto ourselves? Paradox of human-ness yea?

It does sound like you're really practising that muscle of being self-loving. Please do not stop practising that. It is so crucial! Been wondering where the "standard" of expectations of self comes from. Is it from society? FOO? or ??? Or is it all BS propaganda that was fed to us when we couldn't tell the difference?

Take good care of yourself  :hug:   :hug:  Thank you.  You be good to yourself as well. [color]

9-30-23

Today was a pretty good day. 4 hours of solid sleep! :) Got rid of more stuff that had a "taint" from the former spouse.  Plus, I know that I will be moving at some point this year and there was lots of duplicated bits and bobs that I don't need, haven't used in a couple 3 years. It feels really good to get rid of unused / unneeded stuff. 

It seems that my current stack of vitamins / herbs / tinctures has really been in that sweet spot of being able to function without being numb.

In the AM, first thing is the amino acid L-thianime while water is boiling for a cup of green tea.  May try coffee tomorrow IDK yet.  after 15-20 minutes, then I take 6000mg B3, a 8 mushroom mix cap, a iodine + selenium, and a ashdawanga
before going to work say about 30 minutes before I then take 15 drops of skullcap and passion flower. 

I have noticed that as long as I stay in a 4 dose per day of skullcap and passion flower my nicotine use is greatly reduced.

ashdawanga is about 3 or 4 per day.

I wish all here all the best

10-1-23

Wow, 8 hours of sleep last night.  I had forgotten how that felt.  Somewhere or the other the 3 things, I had forgot.  Eating, exercise, and sleep.

There was a purging session last night before bed.  Mirror work, being compassionate to the self, crying,  then sleep, still was awakened twice to go to the bathroom, once from the shot of adrenaline that the body produces to start waking up from sleeping. 

Had food this AM, had a good 2 hour dog walk, and with hand on heart, I had done a good hour or better of giving myself love / good vibes / compassion for the inner parts? aspects? neural nets? that have been carrying such a heavy load, "listening" to those inner(s) and feeling the emotions, letting them know that I understand because they are me and I am them.  When got home from the walk, some emotions came up and I allowed them to flow, crying, and then did more mirror work, seeing the pain in the face in the mirror, the longing in the eyes, something changed in me, I cannot allow that any longer, I can't.  It hurts to bleeping much.  I will treat that person in the mirror with love, respect, kindness and compassion.  I may not always be 100% at that but it is a worthwhile goal I believe.

There are physical things that I could be doing.  I have chosen to not do them and have watched several podcasts about health / wellness.  I'll be, there is some interesting things with the gut biome and mental health. I'll give it a go why not?  Appears that not only does the proper prebiotic / probiotic / postbiotic but does also help with blood sugar, weight loss, sleeping, mood, energy?  I'm down for that. Shoot fire, if I can get some supplements and / or ferment my own?  If you do a general web search on Super Gut PDF there are resources that have it available for offline reading.

Wishing all here all the best

Well, fecal matter.

This legal stuff is stressful enough without the added crap of me being without a lawyer and I get to deal with the former spouses lawyer over selling the marital residence.

I get to call tomorrow some time and I'm really nervous about it.

Peace

Hey StartingHealing,

To me, you're being exceptionally brave and courageous. I hope things go in your favour.

My thoughts are with you

Oh- I didn't catch the entry you wrote "10-1-23". Reading that put a smile on my face. The optimism and sense of self-care really touched me. Keep up the great work and be kind to yourself  :hug: 

10-3-23

Yesterday was a trippy day.  had the call with the other sides lawyer and it became apparent that they are in la la land.  Sorry, not sorry, but they don't have any impact on the real estate market.  Bout 1/2 way through the call something shifted inside of me, and there was a certain sense of inner peace? hard to explain.

Anyway, did get a solid 6 hours of sleep before I awoke to go to the bathroom.  Was able to go back to sleep right after.

I don't know if it was the probiotics or the increase in niacin.  Don't really matter as long as I get that restful sleep. 

Gotta focus on the big 3.  Eating, exercise, and sleep.

Nicotine and caffeine consumption is all over the place.  Not to worried about it since all the herbal support / tinctures / etc is a short term thing.. And then after I'm free of the marital residence that is the last cord connecting me to that person.  My target is currently to get free with enough seed money to start my next phase.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best. 

StartingHealing,

I've learned that healing begins after abuse ends. Those of us who try to heal while remaining in the abusive relationship can really only hope for daily survival at best. There really is a stop/start moment. I used to liken it to a train crash. Some train crashes go on for several minutes and the cars first begin to run aground, then tip, then push each other into ditches, and rivers. Fires start, smoke, etc. I used to say, you can't start healing from the crash until after the train stops crashing.

I had put up with my family's abuse for 50 years. During those years I had 7 different psychologists at different times, who were able to make zero progress with me. They'd get me to be strong enough to endure the ongoing abuse, but it was temporary strength. It wasn't until I walked away from my abusers and felt convinced they were finally gone for good that my last psychologist was finally able to help me get past it and grow as a healthier person.

As I read your story, I feel great connection to the turmoil you've been in, and I'm also feeling hope that you are on your way to the end of your train crash.

As you talk about your nicotine and caffeine consumption, I feel like you will have a lot of success cutting it down, or even eliminating it, once your separation becomes a thing of the past. Once the stressor is gone, you can focus on your nicotine and caffeine. It's really hard to move forward until the abuse stops. After that, the world can feel like a beautiful place. After I left my family for good, I felt like I was walking 6 Inches off the ground for weeks. The trees were more beautiful. The air smelled sweeter. Food tasted better. And my healing began to get traction.

Keep up the good work. When this is all finally done, I hope to hear that you are finally free to work on your secondary issues, like your nicotine and caffeine. Until then, be kind to yourself. You deserve it after what you've been through.

Quote from: Papa Coco on October 03, 2023, 07:55:37 PMStartingHealing,

I've learned that healing begins after abuse ends.I savvy that Those of us who try to heal while remaining in the abusive relationship can really only hope for daily survival at best.I've been NC from the former spouse for over a year There really is a stop/start moment. I used to liken it to a train crash. Some train crashes go on for several minutes and the cars first begin to run aground, then tip, then push each other into ditches, and rivers. Fires start, smoke, etc. I used to say, you can't start healing from the crash until after the train stops crashing.Makes sense

I had put up with my family's abuse for 50 years. During those years I had 7 different psychologists at different times, who were able to make zero progress with me. They'd get me to be strong enough to endure the ongoing abuse, but it was temporary strength. It wasn't until I walked away from my abusers and felt convinced they were finally gone for good that my last psychologist was finally able to help me get past it and grow as a healthier person.The marital residence is the last cord. Bout ready to have some lightening hit to change the situation

As I read your story, I feel great connection to the turmoil you've been in, and I'm also feeling hope that you are on your way to the end of your train crash.Well said

As you talk about your nicotine and caffeine consumption, I feel like you will have a lot of success cutting it down, or even eliminating it, once your separation becomes a thing of the past. Once the stressor is gone, you can focus on your nicotine and caffeine. It's really hard to move forward until the abuse stops. After that, the world can feel like a beautiful place. After I left my family for good, I felt like I was walking 6 Inches off the ground for weeks. The trees were more beautiful. The air smelled sweeter. Food tasted better. And my healing began to get traction.I've had moments like that already

Keep up the good work. When this is all finally done, I hope to hear that you are finally free to work on your secondary issues, like your nicotine and caffeine. Until then, be kind to yourself. You deserve it after what you've been through.  I'm trying to treat myself with kindness and compassion.  My thanks for your wonderful way of expressing things and your kindness towards me.  It is appreciated deeply

The can got kicked down the road some more.  Have an evidentiary hearing on the 26th of this month. In person. Sigh. My 1987 Dodge truck needs some front end work and then an alignment.  Another kink to work out.  Lots of emotions right now.  Anger, fear, exhaustion (course that could be from the amount of herbal support that I have taken today) and .... D-mn.  (insert your favorite cuss phrase here) not to mention the amount o stuff at work.  Sheesh.

I think I will get some food and watch something.  If I can find something that is worth watching that is.

10-4-23

Was able to sleep which is good.  I'm getting better at interrupting the thoughts so I don't go into freak out mode again. Still waking up with a jolt. 

The heater valve blew out on my way to work.  Got there ok.  Got a piece of copper pipe and I'm going to use that to replace the heater valve.  It's the time of year that it won't matter if the heater is on.

Hard to stay there tho.  It's like there is part of my noggin that intentionally wants to overthink the crap out of everything. 

Sigh.

I may write more later.  I may not. 

10-5-23

I decided to ignore doing some things yesterday since I wanted to do something different.  Something that I haven't done in a long time. Years in fact.  I actually read a book for pleasure.  Even had a bit of chocolate for dessert and I bought my inner kiddo a little wolf plush toy.  Even with being engrossed in the book, there were still occasions where a flash of a memory, or a what if of the future, came into awareness and I had a physical reaction to things that are not "real" the past is the past, the future isn't set, and yet it's like I'm ... IDK .


Trying to have the faith that things will work out for the best, have to say that there are times where that faith isn't that strong.

Maybe it has to do with the old pattern that was around when I was living with the former spouse with her personality disorder.

Another busy day at work.  Gotta go.

How cool that you let yourself read a novel for joy and enjoy some chocolate.

Building up faith is a tall order, but I see it as one of the most important quests we can devote our time to. I spend a lot of time working on faith. My work is paying off. Slowly. But every year I can look back and see that I'm happier and have more faith in myself and in my spiritual connections than I had a year ago. Forward motion is forward motion. I call it a win.

I hope you have a nice long string of days where you feel like giving yourself some joy. More chocolate. More good novels. More forward motion toward faith and release.

10-5-23

On break at work.  I've been realizing that I have a conundrum. The various parts are still hazy and much isn't clear, however it seems like I have a need to figure out what a purpose is for me.  I realize that I must work to live but, perhaps, it's the fact that it's basically down to just me and a doggo, and there isn't someone outside of me, counting on me.

I guess I'm a old school guy.  Yeah, thinking about it there hasn't been very much time in my life where I was living for just me, and what I wanted to do, etc.

D_mn. 

At the moment, the level of possibilities that are open now are kind of spooky for me.

Still have to grind through the crap and get the marital residence sold. But after that.. Hmmm

Quote from: Bert on October 02, 2023, 11:56:44 AMOh- I didn't catch the entry you wrote "10-1-23". Reading that put a smile on my face. The optimism and sense of self-care really touched me. Keep up the great work and be kind to yourself  :hug: 

Thank you kind sir for your kindness and consideration.  Do appreciate them a great deal. :)

Nicotine and caffeine are all over the place but they are reducing in amounts.  Not due to any intent on my part, it's going with what "feels" better physically.

I have heard that B3 does reduce the cravings for nicotine and I am consuming about 8000mg daily. (It does help with depression)

Healing crisis.. Multiple irons in the fire all at once.   :fallingbricks:

Quote from: Papa Coco on October 05, 2023, 04:39:57 PMHow cool that you let yourself read a novel for joy and enjoy some chocolate.  Yeah, unfortunately the books and chocolate both ran out

Building up faith is a tall order, but I see it as one of the most important quests we can devote our time to. I spend a lot of time working on faith. My work is paying off. Slowly. But every year I can look back and see that I'm happier and have more faith in myself and in my spiritual connections than I had a year ago. Forward motion is forward motion. I call it a win. I am moving forward but damn it's tough when the other side is intentionally using the courts to F with me.

I hope you have a nice long string of days where you feel like giving yourself some joy. More chocolate. More good novels. More forward motion toward faith and release.Roger that

10-6-23

Well, I do not know if my current course of action will bear any fruit that will be of help to me.  I wrote letters to my state representatives and senator. It's a load of BS that the other side can use the courts to bully and attempt to punish me even more than I already have been. 

I realize that I have a great deal of anger inside.  I feel that it is a righteous anger because to me this is a continuation of the abuse that I suffered at her hands for so many years.

At least the anger keeps the anxiety and fear down and my mind at the moment is very clear.

I am wondering if there is other things that I have overlooked in my fear. I have been thinking of this in a very one dimensional manner. 

Wishing all here all the best

Hi StartingHealing,
I hope that the letters you wrote will help you. 
All the best to you too.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on October 07, 2023, 06:30:37 PMHi StartingHealing,
I hope that the letters you wrote will help you. 
All the best to you too.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you for your kind words.  I do appreciate them. 

10-7-23

I guess I am having emotional flashbacks or something now.  I thought that it was only related to the current (insert favorite cuss phrase here) issue with the sale of the marital residence. IDK if it's a good thing that I've went from having fecal matter happen when the association to the undiagnosed exBPD moved to more things in the environment. Or is this a next stage in the progression of the CPTSD stuff?  Since I wonder about my mental health that means that I'm not disconnected from reality.  Right?

Am I writing this to me or to someone else that may look at it from time to time? 

Yeah, lots of disconnect there.

Kinda scary when I start diving into it.  Lots o "stuff" ya know?

Lordy, lots of stuff.

10-8-23

In this moment I am ok.  That is a new mantra of mine.  Was a * of a night / day.  Was really really .. emotions running way high yesterday, I ended up using lots of passion flower, skullcap, magnesium, and then had the idea that I needed to have a sip or 2 of whiskey.  The combo definitely got me "relaxed" but when the 1/2 oz of alcohol wore off, it woke me up because the returning to a more normal level of body activity. Was having interesting physical sensations of almost like having a "dead" limb regain it's sensation running down both arms and the old noggin was in full spin mode on past / future fecal matter.  Was able to get back to sleep finally after IDK how long of being uncomfortable in my own skin.  Was still out of it this AM. 

I called and talked to my spiritual mentor (I consider them as family) and they helped but then there was more emotional puke that needed to come out.  I called a family member who is now in a pretty good place. As they put it they are on the same river just further along.  Having some "people" that you can emotionally puke to helps sooooo much.  Having a live person on the other end of the phone to me is something very special.   

More realizations:  There is lots of shame, feeling ashamed, embarrassment, like where did I get the expectation of self that I'm somehow more than human?  Or sometimes less than. 

Not real good at naming emotions.. It's partially a guy thing and partially because for a long time I was ignoring them. Disassociation ya know?

StartingHealing

Sorry to hear of the stressful weekend you've had. You made one comment I really resonated with: You asked "Where di I get the expectation of self that I'm somehow more than human? Or sometimes less than."

I've burned myself out after years, and years, and years of feeling like I had no choice but to be superhuman. And the only times I wasn't thinking I had to be more than everyone else, the pendulum swung to me being sure I was less than everyone else.  I remember one time asking my therapist, "Why can't I just be allowed to be average? Why do I have to work 4 x harder than everyone else just to be allowed to live another day?"

I guess that by being raised by narcissists who demanded we take care of them, even when we were tiny children, we just grew up thinking it was our responsibility to work harder than everyone else. We are expected to be superhuman.

I hope your tomorrow is better than today, and you can relax and enjoy just being average.

Quote from: Papa Coco on October 09, 2023, 01:37:00 AMStartingHealing

Sorry to hear of the stressful weekend you've had.  Part of the healing crisis  You made one comment I really resonated with: You asked "Where did I get the expectation of self that I'm somehow more than human? Or sometimes less than."   Really? D-_n. I guess there is much that is similar amongst us.

I've burned myself out after years, and years, and years of feeling like I had no choice but to be superhuman.  I didn't get to burnout, close tho.  And the only times I wasn't thinking I had to be more than everyone else, the pendulum swung to me being sure I was less than everyone else.  I remember one time asking my therapist, "Why can't I just be allowed to be average? Why do I have to work 4 x harder than everyone else just to be allowed to live another day?"   I savvy that sentiment. For me it sure feels like that.

I guess that by being raised by narcissists who demanded we take care of them, even when we were tiny children, we just grew up thinking it was our responsibility to work harder than everyone else. We are expected to be superhuman.
 I "get" that we need to be of "service" to others when adulting, but as wee ones, that's messed up you know?

I hope your tomorrow is better than today, and you can relax and enjoy just being average.

It was a good day actually. Had a emotional puke day and came to several realizations. Shame, the expectation of being superhuman, the story I tell myself about myself is jacked, self concept is tied into self compassion.  Thank you Papa Coco for your kind words. I do appreciate them.

10-10-23
slept ok I guess.  I think that I need to start adjusting my herbal stack.  Yesterday was alright.  I still spin up when things come up about the court situation. 

This doesn't feel good at all at the current moment.  don't really have a lot to say at the moment.  I found some intentions that feel like they are supportive. 

Wishing all here all the best

Anybody going thru a divorce like this would spin up at least a bit when court stuff comes up. I'm sure it's harder given the layers of your past and the nature of the marriage and divorce but definitely try to not beat yourself up about getting worked up. That's to be expected.  :hug:

Quote from: Armee on October 10, 2023, 02:58:25 PMAnybody going thru a divorce like this would spin up at least a bit when court stuff comes up. I'm sure it's harder given the layers of your past and the nature of the marriage and divorce but definitely try to not beat yourself up about getting worked up. That's to be expected.  :hug:

It's not like I am beating myself up over it.  it's more of the emotional storm and that gets the body spun up and then trying to calm down.. self sooth, sometimes is problematic.

10-10-23
I am feeling the need to tell my experiences again.  Doing that seems to reduce the "pressure" as it were.
I was adopted.  It was a closed adoption and as such, there was no genetic mirrors for me and the adoptive parents were not prepared for the emotional storm that came along with me.  It is NOT "normal" for a child to NOT have mother.  That loss .. How do you express the emotions when it is pre-verbal? 
like *? ya know?  And it's not like there was nothing out there about the issues that adoptees face.  In fact it was well known by early 1700's!  To much $$$ involved so we are going to ignore the evidence. Those misbegotten sons of a she devil. 

Then, the year I turned 14, adoptive father died in a traffic accident.  He was my person you know? He was the safe place, the rock, my best friend, my hero.  I wanted to be just like him. Strong, kind, gentle, didn't brook no foolishness though. Somewhere along the line I missed the part about boundaries.

Adoptive mother was.. f-ed.  Supposedly anxiety but growing up she loved her xanax.  She was also a hoarder as well.  The house was packed full of fecal matter.  It was to a point where like most kids I wanted to have school buddies over. No way in he77 though.  With the house like it was?  Lord have mercy I was so ashamed of that.  And the hand me downs that were decades out of date, the bowl haircuts, the dolls, those stinking dolls, alright so she was a collector of dolls. Fine, but she didn't DO anything with them.  She didn't manage the collection, she wasn't actively trading them she wasn't doing ANYTHING on a family farm. 

Felt like that is why she pushed to get a boy so she wouldn't have to do anything on the farm that actually resulted in making a living.

I think that was a set up for what came later.

I see the pattern now.  Unresolved stuff and big blind spots that you could drive a tractor trailer through and ended up with a partner that was personality disordered.
25 years.  of *.  Didn't start that way. The love bombing, the mirroring, it was so good, so good. and then.. over the years, it went south, and it was always my fault for everything.
Doing the typical guy thing I did my absolute best to do the things and not a single thing ever made a single iota of difference.  There was no correlation between actions and emotional / mental state with her.  None.  D-_mnest thing ever. 

I know that I was manipulated, the wool was pulled over my eyes, I was snookered into a very very very bad deal.

Depending on the day, the phase of the moon, which planet is in retrograde or some other reason I cannot discern, there is anger, nay rage even, grief, sadness, shame, guilt (why didn't I bail sooner?)  retroactive BS doesn't help but am attempting to honor my feelings on all of this.

I'm getting sleepy finally.  I think I will close this down now.

Wishing all here all the best

10-11-23

Slept ok.  Had old school oven baked potatoes with a lentil chili over the top for dinner last night.  Perhaps my groundedness has been cattywampus for a while.

It feel good yesterday to put into words my experiences.  I admit that the feelings I have experienced may be from me not seeing the entirety of the picture.  However that is a impossible ask for a child. 

I'm still in that balance point of adjusting the herbal stack to allow me to function without being numbed out.

I am safe in this moment.  This moment is all that there is. 

Wishing all here all the best.

Well that was trippy.  10-11-23

Was listening to music and it finally was to a point where I could dance.  It felt sooooo good to move my body in joy rather than to just perform some function or task.  I ending up having a emotional reaction because it realized that it's been such a very long time since I was able to do that.  For the sheer joy of it. 

Hi SH,

I agree with you, it is a lot (too much/unacceptable) to ask those things from a child, and IMO, as children, we were doing the best we could with what we knew how to do. Self compassion is a difficult thing.

I read on another forum about a correlation between narcissists and hoarding. Someone mentioned because they don't really have a connection to reality, it's like these objects become the reality, the false memories etc. I don't know how accurately I paraphrased that, but it sort of made sense to me.

I'm sorry too that you lost your adopted father at an age when you probably really needed him. I lost my father at 14 and someone said that to me recently, and I didn't even acknowledge that I probably had that need because I was so used to pushing everything down. Anyways, that's my experience. I also relate to what you say about the emotional storm coming after/during a relationship break up with someone who is NPD. I felt like I was going crazy as I tried to unpack what was happening, how could this person not be reasonable etc. This is actually what birthed my learning about NPD, and eventually CPTSD about seven years ago. Even now though I feel I'm in a much better and more aware place emotionally, I think I'm really hard on myself for trusting "someone like that." I'm now realizing too, that this feeling of being taken advantage of is something that comes with fearful avoidant attachment. As kids of NPD parents, we so readily give to others, whether they deserve it or not, because that's what we were trained to do.

Sending you support,
dolly

Thank you DollyVee

Last night was good and not so good.  Good in that where I was feeling good.  I was in a good place and I didn't want it to end, then I tried to sleep but the noggin wouldn't shut down, did the mantras and finally fell asleep.  Was tired this AM.  Was able to have coffee but then the anxiety kicked in.  There are times that I feel frustrated with the rollercoaster of the feelings.

Lots of childhood "stuff" coming up over the last couple of days.  It's good that I'm aware of the root but getting back into those feelings.. aaaagggghhhh. 

I screwed my courage to my spine and went ahead and made a FB account yesterday.  Have several requests in for private support groups.  some on adoption trauma, some on CPTSD, some for victims of PD abuse.
Will see where that goes.

Like a child I guess that I need to tell my story over and over till I don't need to repeat it any longer.

Wishing you all the best.

yeah, lots of mother wound coming to the front. 

Hi SH,

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you're doing a lot to work with this stuff. It might not be easy, but you are doing the work.

In my experience, with an NPD mother and grandmother, it's a very big wound. I don't know if you're interested, or if you would find it applicable, but Will I Ever Be Good Enough was a good read. It's for women with NPD mothers, but perhaps you might find something in there too.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi dolly,

I thought I would place this here.  Archive.org and OpenLibrary.org are both free resources they may not have the exact books but they do have a real aloud option. worth a shot

If you have a local libarary card you can use an app called Libby or Overdrive.  That way you can access the "ebooks" even though there still is a 14 day return date. (lol) 

At the moment the biggest thing for me is the knowing that my natural mother did grieve, she did care, She loved me, I mattered to her.  That has been very healing. 

That is very healing to know, that your mother cared and grieved.  :hug:

Funny not long ago...a few months...I finally worked up the courage to join FB too. I hope you find some helpful groups for you.

Quote from: Armee on October 14, 2023, 05:21:13 PMThat is very healing to know, that your mother cared and grieved.  :hug:

Funny not long ago...a few months...I finally worked up the courage to join FB too. I hope you find some helpful groups for you.

Armee, Did find some very helpful groups on FB. Plus I got into some groups that I have an interest in like photography. 

Did find a group ran by Joe Soll.  It's pointed to folks involved in the adoption triangle but there are things that to me would help anybody with childhood trauma.  I did buy one of his books, amazon should be delivering it today.

Oct 14 2023

What an interesting morning. Definitely on the right track.  I'm receiving "prompts" to take certain actions that have resulted in me facing my fears of overwhelm of the mass of emotions stored up, to reconnecting to the inner kiddo(s) to doing reconciliation with all parts of myself and both sets of parents and their parents.  My mentor in such matters told me that it was a type of blood walk ceremony that I engaged in. To now know what I know.  How freeing!

I have heard that connection to others, sometimes a single person that makes you feel safe, or a safe feeling space / place, where the people there savvy because they have gone through a similar circumstance, and the connection to Spirit, however you want to conceptualize that, plus a willingness to redefine yourself, self concept you know?  Change the story I tell myself about myself.  Not gonna fudge the truth it's not comfortable. It is ok though.  This is good uncomfortable. If that makes any sense. 

I used to be firmly in the physical as far as actions go.  I have realized that taking action can involve things like self compassion, self love, acceptance of emotions, communicating to ourselves in a positive manner, sometimes when attempting to do something new, to say things out loud that we need to hear as if it's from a growed up that is supporting us.  Finding intentions that can be said aloud, that resonate with that spark of the Divine within, why not take that action? The other actions that show ourselves that we actually do give a dam_. Why not? 

Where did the idea come from that acting loving to ourselves is a bad thing?  I mean, anything can be a pathology, right?  The quote is "Sometimes the only difference between medicine and poison is the dose." 
Now back to the concept of balance that all spiritually aware cultures talk about.

I know that I know that I know that I am loved. I am valued as me. I am worthy. I am deserving.

  Sometimes attempting to translate from intuitive knowing into other forms gets tricky.  It's all the prior and more.

At this moment I am doing pretty good. 

Wishing all here all the best.

poem: 

Was I a good kid?
was I loved?
why did you go away?
Momma
Momma
Momma

I miss you
I always have
I found your
grave
one of many

2cd family
really wasn't
they tried
maybe
I guess

alone in a room
full of folks
that are not
blood
mirror

Once and still
soul crushed
still I breath
seeking
seeking

HOME.

Joe Soll is really big on feeling statements.  I'm starting to use them consistently and slowly I can feel myself coming back .. little pieces here and there

Part of what it seems I need to do is tell my story.  I know that the root of the crap is back in the past and is related to my experience as adopted

Then the addition of the crap that I experienced with the former spouse being BPD and ??? sheesh

My greatest fear as a child was...(prompt from Kizzie)

That I was going to be given away to another family where I would have to put another layer of mask on.

I remember wishing that I could be Mr. Spock off the original star trek TV series.  I really related to him.

Peace

10-16-23

Lots of things running in my brain at the moment.  Some of it is good, some of it is not so much.  I've been attempting to feel the feelings without the need to create a story around the feeling.  Notice, be aware, see it with compassion, love it, and allow it to flow.

Feels like my emotions are closer to the surface, which I think they were always there it was that I wasn't paying attention to them.  I have carried a lot of fecal matter for a long time.  I'm looking forward to when I am not carrying that load any longer.

I'm still engaged in affirmations, spoken gratitude statements. Telling myself positive things about myself.  Like when doing .. coloring.  As a inner kiddo thing, (is it I or we? ) anyhow, did a hand turkey drawing, got some crayons, colored it, and put it on the wall.  All the while saying how it was a great picture, and how good of coloring that happened.  I used my off hand for all of it.  I also bought a small kids stuffed toy wolf.  When I see it, a smile comes to my face.

The recognition of just how tough of a son of a gun I was / am? in going through what I went through as a wee one, not having momma around in the physical, not feeling like I fit in anywhere, the sense of loss and grief that was baked into everything, sheesh. Yet, I still remember times that I was happy, times that I felt loved, I felt heard, that my wants and needs were taken into consideration.

I have today off of work. Had to take a vacation day but *.  I didn't feel up to going to the company sponsored "helping those less fortunate" which I'm totally down for.  I feel that it's not a needful thing for a company to overtly suggest that XYZ is company approved.  I get that they are looking after their ESG scores but damn. 

IDK.  Journaling .. Maybe I need to get back into doing it again IRL on paper.  Part of what is going through my noggin is the realizations of how I was manipulated and how my own good nature was twisted and used against me by the former spouse. No lie, her campaign was a long term one, and now it's starting to come together in my noggin of what, where, etc.  The why is that she's disturbed.  IDK if I would call her "evil" yet to intentionally hurt/wound someone that you claim that you love them?  Definitely F-ed up.

I used to journal a lot.  It was a daily habit of mine for several years. Always was stocking up on paper when the sales would hit for back to school here in the USA.  The former spouse got all bent outta shape one time over me journaling. So I burned them all.  Every single one.  Like * I was going to allow her to read my personal writings. She already had enough ammo, she didn't need any more to hurt me with.  Yes, I am making the assumption that was the reason behind it. I came to that conclusion because every. single. thing. that I had told her she dredged up in some manner to use against me.

I need to go check breakfast / brunch. 

Peace to all the brave ones here.  I bid you peace.

SH,

Powerful words. all of them. That x-spouse was quite a person. Wow. She wants control so badly that she couldn't even let you have private journals without it angering her. I guess my mom was like that too. So when you talk about how you had to destroy everything you wrote, I can relate.

I now use a computer. My wife and I have come to the agreement that I'll never share my passwords with her because if I try to write ANYWHERE that can be found by someone someday, I get total writer's block. That little part of me that still feels shame for the times when good old mom cried and yelled at me for writing in a journal. She'd read it while I was at school and attack me when I got home. Even though my wife would never do that to me, my wiring is set. I can ONLY write my deepest thoughts in a password protected computer. Otherwise I go blank. Can't think of a word to say. I believe that it's one of my IFS parts who is protecting me with writer's block because he knows I won't survive anyone ever punishing me for having private thoughts ever again. I believe our IFS parts are all on our side. All of them are only trying to help. So the writer's block is a gift from one of my parts. By locking my inner thoughts behind a password, I'm giving that part the freedom to keep protecting me. It's a win/win now.

I get it, man. I really get how destructive it was for her to do that to you.

I hope you can feel safe to start journaling again. I just started a few weeks ago, writing what I call my Stream Of Consciousness (SOC) Papers. Daily writing 3 pages of SOC as the first thing I do every morning, seems to bring me a lot of wisdom and peace.  So I hope you are able to start them up again.

You have a way of writing that brings me to some very deep emotions. That's more than a skill.  A skillful writer is one thing: an artistic writer can elicit emotions with their words. That's what your writing does for me. I think of you as a bit more of an artist, which, to me, includes skillfulness, but adds another level of talent above just skillful.

Quote from: Papa Coco on October 17, 2023, 07:28:17 PMSH,

Powerful words. all of them. That x-spouse was quite a person. Wow. She wants control so badly that she couldn't even let you have private journals without it angering her. I guess my mom was like that too. So when you talk about how you had to destroy everything you wrote, I can relate.

Oh yes, she wanted complete control and did her damnedest to beat me into submission through your usual abuser behaviors.

I now use a computer. My wife and I have come to the agreement that I'll never share my passwords with her because if I try to write ANYWHERE that can be found by someone someday, I get total writer's block. That little part of me that still feels shame for the times when good old mom cried and yelled at me for writing in a journal. She'd read it while I was at school and attack me when I got home. Even though my wife would never do that to me, my wiring is set. I can ONLY write my deepest thoughts in a password protected computer. Otherwise I go blank. Can't think of a word to say. I believe that it's one of my IFS parts who is protecting me with writer's block because he knows I won't survive anyone ever punishing me for having private thoughts ever again. I believe our IFS parts are all on our side. All of them are only trying to help. So the writer's block is a gift from one of my parts. By locking my inner thoughts behind a password, I'm giving that part the freedom to keep protecting me. It's a win/win now.

 If I write in order to communicate with others that's a different path in my noggin than if I am writing for self if that makes any sense.

I get it, man. I really get how destructive it was for her to do that to you.   There was the arguments about toothpaste, or whatever, had absolutely nothing to do with the subject, rather it was her pushing the control

I hope you can feel safe to start journaling again. I just started a few weeks ago, writing what I call my Stream Of Consciousness (SOC) Papers. Daily writing 3 pages of SOC as the first thing I do every morning, seems to bring me a lot of wisdom and peace.  So I hope you are able to start them up again.

 that sounds like the way of the artist thing, write 3 pages, stream of consciousness, I may attempt that one of these days in the future. 

You have a way of writing that brings me to some very deep emotions. That's more than a skill.  A skillful writer is one thing: an artistic writer can elicit emotions with their words. That's what your writing does for me. I think of you as a bit more of an artist, which, to me, includes skillfulness, but adds another level of talent above just skillful.

thank you PapaCoco.  You know, when I was a wee thing, I did have ideas about being a writer.

Poem:

Words, words, words
so many words
clogging the brain
words that hurt
or
words that heal

which words are mine?
which ones are not?
which ones!?
Dam_-d words
which ones?

Seeking still
those words never
spoken
never heard
by my physical ears

the words became
my life line
the words on the page
the words in song
so many
beautiful
words

yet, the words
when said by
the one that I had
loved
completely

tore my soul
bleeding
oozing
draining
me
dry

now I see
the false
that she presented
manipulating
me

choosing now
only words
of
health
healing
hope
joy

Words to heal
the wounds
that were caused
by other
words

Quote from: StartingHealing on October 13, 2023, 07:44:44 PMI thought I would place this here.  Archive.org and OpenLibrary.org are both free resources they may not have the exact books but they do have a real aloud option. worth a shot
 

Thanks for this SH. I am a fan of kindle books just because I can mark them up (not that I ever go back to them sometimes) and they're usually about half the price of physical books (saving trees too yadda yadda), but I will keep these in mind.

Quote from: StartingHealing on October 13, 2023, 07:44:44 PMAt the moment the biggest thing for me is the knowing that my natural mother did grieve, she did care, She loved me, I mattered to her.  That has been very healing. 

This is very powerful and am glad you have this anchor in your life.

Seems like you're working through it all  :applause: and sending you support,
dolly

Thank you for the support dolly.  May you be blessed as well brave heart.

Did get some news yesterday that the ex spouse signed the contract with the cash seller.  Like finally!  closing will be in approximately 2 weeks and the buyer has agreed to give me 2 weeks after closing to find a rental and get my butt moved into a new town.  The new area generally speaking has lower cost of living, lots more restaurants to choose from, (love the mom-n-pop places) a larger mix of people, and it's closer to my current job. 

Having that monkey off my back feels so good at the moment.

Wishing all here, peace.

The ghosts of things not remembered scream past me, leaving me gasping as I feel the anger, hurt, loss, come over me in wave after wave,

I have struggled for so long, so long, just to keep breathing, to keep breathing meant that I could still do something, I could find that thing, that 1 thing, that would help me start to fill the hole,

this hole in my soul, the one that I had to wallpaper over with the words that were told to me
instead of listening to my own truth

I do not wish to hate
yet
and yet
hate would be so easy
sedative and seductive

No, I no long-er
can bear holding
onto the past hurts
I have enough of that
myself

those who claimed me as family
I raise my arms
to you, all of you
asking for your
help

I am your legacy,
I am your hope,
By all that is holy
MOVE
MOVE
for me

I ask for that which
you should give freely
love me
care for me
make me feel your presence
make me feel
once again

something other than
pain.

the machine grinds forward
it can do no other thing
it's purpose
the last thing in the instructions
was find the place
to be made whole

the machine senses that
there are things
badly damaged
outside of his options
to repair

grinding forward
the machine patches
patches
so many patches
keeping moving

for the machine
knows
that if it stops
moving
it will never move
again.

Once upon a time
long long ago
a soul came into
being

the soul being new
was naïve to the
material world
and asked if

there was a way for it
to advance faster
since the more
advanced it was then
the more others
it could help

Ah, the poor little soul
learned the hard way
that this material
existence is different
than the spiritual realm

the young soul fragment
wishing to re-unite
is learning
about loss and the pain
that comes from the same

I'm sorry little soul
I'm so sorry
I wish it could be different
I feel for you
I truly do

the only way is
through.

10-20-2023

Nothing lasts forever, everything is changing, including me. Went a little sciencey and realized something,  pretty much every cell in this body has been changed out over time. Yes even neurons, don't know the exact rate but somewhere in the range of 7 to 20 years or so, so does that mean that I am the same being that was born?  Does it mean that I too can transform along with my physical body?  Why not?  What is stopping me from doing that?

I mean, I have the power of choice, right? 

Hi Starting Healing,
I just wanted to say that I found what you wrote about the neurons and cells changing to be really uplifting and I think you have the power of choice too. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on October 20, 2023, 03:30:57 PMHi Starting Healing,
I just wanted to say that I found what you wrote about the neurons and cells changing to be really uplifting and I think you have the power of choice too. 
Hope  :)

thank you Hope.

For me, knowing that the very cells of this body changes, it renews, the idea that that force of healing, that push to put things right, why the belief that it doesn't extend to other things like emotions? beliefs? thoughts? Weird that is the consistent drum that is being beat? When it's connection to others, to 1 person that you feel safe with, to something larger than ourself, IE Universe, Spirit, the great I Am, awareness, or however you want to define it.

the event that happened, is the pain point, I've realized that the story that gets built around that pain point is where in my opinion the trauma gets created.  I'm not discounting any experience, my goodness no.  * I went through adoption.. being separated from my natural mother, then fostering, then finally placed in the family that did the legal * to claim me.  Then later on, based on the habitual patterns from childhood, I ended up in a 25 year marriage to a person that has a personality disorder. Using the walk like a duck logic, I've concluded she is borderline.

Recently, I have went through several books written by natural mothers and I now firmly believe that my natural mother loves me, she worried about me, she grieved for me, she never had any additional children after me, and she drank herself to death.

Realizing that I can choose to change the story that I tell myself about myself, and that is part of the healing, to change ones self concept, to know that there is choice, and yes there are aspects that do make themselves known as they are being released, is not fun, it's painful, at times it * hurts, but that energy has to be processed to be released, allowing the healing force to come in and renew, refresh, rebuild, bigger, better, and with much more wisdom.

Wish all here all the best

6 FREEDOMS

Freedom to See and Hear what is here -
instead of what should be, was or will be.

Freedom to Say what one Feels and thinks
instead of what one "should"

Freedom to Feel what one Feels instead of
what one ought.  Or is told to feel.

Freedom to Ask for what one Wants instead
of always waiting for permission.

Freedom to take Risks in one's own Behalf,
instead of choosing to be only Secure or not
rocking the boat.

Freedom to say No without feeling the need to explain
in great detail.

NOTE: the answer No is a complete sentence.

This resonates with me so much at the moment.

Hi StartingtoHeal,
Those freedoms are very positive.
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on October 23, 2023, 03:09:02 PMHi StartingtoHeal,
Those freedoms are very positive.
Hope  :)

Yes indeed they are Hope.  Funny how the path to self-sovereignty appears to be such a mess at times.  Considering that for a time, long time, I had the belief that I was behind the 8-ball in things, and that I had to strive harder than anyone just to get equal.  Looking at that belief that was rooted in the looking outside of self.  If that makes any sense.

Have acquired a notebook and will start journaling in IRL. there is growing evidence that human brain / body interface has a huge impact, even to the point where school districts are mandating cursive writing again.  According to what I have read, the act of writing increases retention, and emotional regulation.  Guess the older ideas around writing were spot on.  I could go down that rabbit hole about the hubris that humans generally appear to have concerning things that worked from the past. 

As an example, in tribal villages, if a member gets ill (from whatever the case may be) then the medicine person has a ceremony in which the entire village is at, the ill person is brought into daylight, they receive support from the entire community, and in this the ill person feels safe, they feel supported, they are recognized as being valuable to the community.  Yet here in the so called 1st world, where does that happen?  You have to think that humans developed in tandem with community, family groups that developed into tribes, how many thousands if not millions of years did humans successfully continue?  In the modern age, where is our tribe?  Where are those that have a similar experience IRL? 

Been thinking about mindfulness as well.  Why is that such a benefit to us?  Having a group that are being mindful at the same time in a location is even more beneficial to not only the individual but also to the group as well! Holy S! Yet in the hubris of modernity these simple things have been discounted and poo-poo'd  and I'm starting to question why?  I mean, who benefits from having humans scared, feeling isolated, feeling wounded?  In other words ... is it power? money? control? Who benefits from our illnesses?  When did health care morph into illness management (any ill that befalls us humans / companion animals) ? 

Humans do not exist in a vacuum.  there is some kind of reciprocity between the individual and society.  Who is driving the narratives of "modern" society?  Who or what is driving the manipulation? Again who benefits?

Musings of a person that is on a healing path.

Hi SH,

I just wanted to say that I'm reading what you're writing and going through. I have also read that group healing is very beneficial to people. Well not necessarily healing I guess, but having people bear witness to that healing. This is something my t and I have talked about, how good or different it would be if I had a witness to things. For me, growing up in NPD household was dealing with other peoples' dysfucntional realities. So, as an adult I was/am usually trying to reality "test" my own ideas and feelings. There was no "healthy" backdrop to springboard off of.

Sending you support,
dolly

10-26-23

dollyvee,

Indeed.  Getting to a place where we know that our version of reality is within the pale is something that I have struggled with for some time. Having a another witness the healing is a very powerful thing.  Have you heard about the 100 monkey phenomena? It supports the concept of a shared unconscious IMO.  There is evidence that our personal magnetic / energy field impacts others, shoot there have been blind studies in which folks that could be called high level meditators have placed intentions into a non-active device and when said device is exposed in a different location, again this is totally blind experiment, the results are not only striking but repeatable.  The one that I am most familiar with involves the intention of raising the ph level of distilled water. 

I say all this to get to the point of having a group of people with the same basic intention of healing, or growth, or whatever, reinforces the effect of a single individual intention of healing, which also impacts the effects felt by others of the group.  We are truly not separate from the realm we find ourselves in.

I do not know how it works but there is enough evidence for me to accept that it does work. 

You know, folks with a personality disorder will get into their feelings and mess things up that are of a benefit to them.  The final orders on the divorce has me paying a monthly alimony amount divided up by paycheck. I have been paying it voluntarily.  Just got off the phone with the clerk of court for the family court to verify if the garnishment on my wages to pay alimony was 1. legit, 2. enforceable and yes it is.  sigh. 

They went and complained about how long it was taking to get the $ and such and so they pushed the issue through the courts.  Even though there was no arrears, no lates, nothing there, all I can figure is that they got into their feelings and due to the lack of money management on their end, got themselves into a bind and thought that having a garnishment would be a good way to go.  Their expectation would be that they would be getting the $ on the same day that I get paid. 

But now there are more hands in the mix and so, all they ended up doing is pushing the timeframe longer on when the get $.

Chasing down the courts, ensuring that it was legit, not to mention the impacts this can have on my credit report, all for what?  For somebody else's feelings that don't have a single thing to do with a shared reality?

Judas.

Anyway, I had been thinking that I would have let that sleeping dog lie, just pay the stuff and go forward.  Now, I'm reconsidering and depending on what is available to me, when I am able (the US state I am in has 1 year hold on anything the court orders as far as divorce decrees) I will now probably push for modification on the alimony, the monthly amount and the time frame.  I understand that we were married for 25 years but how does that equal me paying alimony for the rest of her life?  Or mine for that matter?

To me if you can spend 8 to 12 hours on your butt, doing social media, you can f-ing work part time as a remote customer service person. If you can LARP as a mermaid, then you can get paid for that. If you are crafty, and have the raw material and tools to make things (which she does) you can get paid for that.

Unless you are so into being a victim that you are sabotaging yourself, which she does do on the regular.  I say that because I doubt that tiger has changed it's stripes. 

Sigh.

Ah well, with the garnishment all I have to do is keep track of the amounts withdrawn (keep a paycheck stub)  and if anything comes up I have proof that the $ was taken out of my paycheck.  If the dept of economic security fumbles getting the $ to her, not my problem. 

it does piss me off in a way though.   

getting hit with the splatter from others when their situation hits the fan sucks. Thank goodness that I'm not directly in her presence.

peace be to all the brave souls here.

I believe all of it. I believe that our shared consciousness is a real thing. I believe that the power of "prayer" or energy or whatever we want to call our intent focus on good and love, is exponentially stronger when we work as a team. I also believe that the reason mindfulness meditations are so peaceful is because they are the only time each day when we stop focusing on the past and future and only focus on the exact moment that we are in. That moment has no beginning and no end. I like to call it "the Eternal Moment." And eternity is where peace and love are found. So I think of my mindfulness meditations as a chance to remember that I'm part of eternity, and part of peace and love and kindness.

That's just my two cents.

Quote from: Papa Coco on October 28, 2023, 08:18:27 PMI believe all of it. I believe that our shared consciousness is a real thing. I believe that the power of "prayer" or energy or whatever we want to call our intent focus on good and love, is exponentially stronger when we work as a team. I also believe that the reason mindfulness meditations are so peaceful is because they are the only time each day when we stop focusing on the past and future and only focus on the exact moment that we are in. That moment has no beginning and no end. I like to call it "the Eternal Moment." And eternity is where peace and love are found. So I think of my mindfulness meditations as a chance to remember that I'm part of eternity, and part of peace and love and kindness.

That's just my two cents.

PapaCoco, the endless now.  Which is the who? what? that we really are I think. 
I haven't written much of late.  Been attempting to focus on school work. Juggling work, school, moving, yada, yada, yada.. and trying to fit in some journal-ling and maintaining some sort of regular spiritual/mindfulness practice.

Wishing all here a good evening.  For which ever practice you follow.

Peace

Nov 3 2023

Been an intense couple of days.  The old adage of you must first release the old to allow the new space to come in is definitely the truth.  Well, beliefs, thoughts, thinking patterns, and then the world around me changes.  Over the last couple of days, have been going through a spell where my emotions are running high, more sadness, grief, anger, and they were sure to make themselves known as they were leaving. 

For me attempting to disentangle the various strands of trauma... Well, first off, is that an absolute requirement?  I don't think so for a few reasons. 1. If to heal every strand would have to be untangled then how does EDMR does what it does?  How does hypnosis be as effective as it is?  I'm starting to think that there is a mind virus that has been intentionally embedded into the commonly accepted ideas of what "has to happen" to heal on emotional / mental level.  For me that idea comes from profit motive.  Just like modern illness management.  If I have to take a pill or 10 a day, and constantly have to have checkups.. Am I physically healthy?  Hmmm,

I ran across an article, don't have the link on this device, anyway, it was from a author from the Cree Nation, and he was discussing how we are only story.  Thinking about it, stuff happens, and we create a story around it, we feel a certain way and we create a story around it.  We are story creating beings.  Add in quantum mechanics observer effect and we could have a universe because we have a story that we do.  That is one aspect of the stories we tell, is how much gets left out of the story?  That right there is why I think reframing is such a powerful technique.  How many times have I thought a particular way, felt a particular thing, but then more information comes to light and son of a gun, my thoughts, feelings about that particular situation changes. A different perspective has been achieved.

I've been looking at the story I tell myself about myself.  How much have I left out of the narrative?  If I was reading this in a book, what would be my conclusions about the main character? (Me) 

This is a ever shifting thing which is ok.  I mean I'm not static as a person, my physical body isn't static, nothing in the whole blooming universe is static, so why as humans do we have static stories?  to follow that thought, if trauma is not the event(s) but the response to said event(s) isn't that a story?  Why do I get caught in telling the same thing over and over that basically eviscerates myself on an emotional, psychic, mental level(s)?

Much to integrate.

No, no whitewashing or denial. *, I have the paperwork proving that certain events did happen at certain points in my past.  What stories did I create that are no longer serving me around these events?

Hmmmm,

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

the holidays:

All Hallows Eve is behind on the wheel of the year,
 other holidays are coming up and perhaps it is
from all my experiences and my interpretation of such,
 even now ghosts of memories past come to call,
 nostalgia tinged with grief,
attempting to cloud what is yet to occur. 

Former situations not totally good nor bad,
strange mix indeed,
 learned way to early the graduations,
everything shades of grey.

I sigh, accepting as my shoulders square
attending to breath
seeking the endless now
allowing the emotions to be
seeking the root

A small hope, a small desire
fueling, burning,
driving forward
for that is not yet here

I will, come what may
celebrate with abandon
those markers left
by those that have come
before.

Quote from: StartingHealing on November 03, 2023, 01:02:52 PMFor me attempting to disentangle the various strands of trauma... Well, first off, is that an absolute requirement?  I don't think so for a few reasons. 1. If to heal every strand would have to be untangled then how does EDMR does what it does?  How does hypnosis be as effective as it is?   

I think this is a very valid point. There is a Tibetan teacher I follow who says that we are addicted to our pain bodies, which I guess is another way of saying misery loves company. Sometimes people are only about the trauma and use it as an identity instead of the releasing it and undergoing the very important act of healing. No judgement, I just don't think it's the only thing, or the most important thing about us. On the other hand, I think feeling emotions and expressing negative emotions is also something very cathartic for people who were never given a chance to do those things in the first place, and is probably a necessary step to healing. Borrowing from something I'm ready now, she says that at a ceertain point we have to decide to move on from healing and it becomes about becoming whole and the integration process you're talking about (Sandra Ingerman - Coming Home)

Quote from: StartingHealing on November 03, 2023, 01:02:52 PMThinking about it, stuff happens, and we create a story around it, we feel a certain way and we create a story around it.  We are story creating beings.  Add in quantum mechanics observer effect and we could have a universe because we have a story that we do.  That is one aspect of the stories we tell, is how much gets left out of the story?  That right there is why I think reframing is such a powerful technique.  How many times have I thought a particular way, felt a particular thing, but then more information comes to light and son of a gun, my thoughts, feelings about that particular situation changes. A different perspective has been achieved.

What stories did I create that are no longer serving me around these events?

Yes  :yeahthat: I used to do this a lot and jumo right in to what I assumed were peoples' reactions or feelings about why they did what they did and what it must mean. I still do this to a certain degree, but I don't take it on as much, or necessarily jump to the worst case, I must have done something wrong scenario. An exercise I like from Dzogchen meditation is to "find out where a thought comes from." So, when a thought comes into the mind trace it back to where it originated. Everything else is just layers we put on top of it. I think haha. That's my interpretation but it's more of an exercise in trying. 

Sending you support,
dolly

Nov 12, 2023

Closing went through :) There were several ways that the former spouse could have screwed it up.  I was was carrying some tension around that.  the physical relief after I found out that the closing happened without incident was tremendous.  Thing have been doing the hurry up and wait thing.  Went rental inspecting yesterday and there was a few that met the criteria.  Course my list was very short anyway.

Friday was a purge day.  Lots of emotions leaving, some were making sure that they were noticed on the way out. 

Waiting to hear back from the agent that is helping me with the rental search.  She's waiting on hearing back from the agent that had a particular rental that I'm really interested in.  Perhaps tomorrow.

Still grinding on school work.  Wasn't able to put it on hold but it's ok.  I'm back to a point where I can focus on it now.  There for a spell my noggin wasn't having it.  Couldn't focus for sh_t.  Not to mention that the current course is well, not really interesting to me , but it's one of those things that I have to get through.

dolly, I am starting to believe that our stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves has a great deal of impact on us.  Not saying that the crap that happened didn't happen. But, s.o.b. I not only survived but I kept my sanity (25 year marriage to a person with a personality disorder) not to mention that I also kept my sh_t together going through the events around adoption.  The stats around adoptees are brutal.  4x higher risk for self deletion, mental issues, being in club fed, let alone being dangerously anti-social.  back in I think the 40's? there was a thing called the adopted child syndrome. That was code for those who deleted the adopting people / adopting family.  Seriously, it was a thing. Still is but now there is drugs to keep those kids zonked out to a point where they are basically zombiefied. 

If I look at the events through the eye of an author. ( getting a different perspective) How do I write the central character?  What's the difference between a character that is a victim or one that is on the hero's journey?  Maybe it's not a hero's journey, maybe it's just a refusal to stay down, a refusal to accept the b.s., to simply continue to get back up and keep moving forward to an unknown with the belief that it's gotta be better than what came before.  Dang, that's a very american idea. Think about it. How many people got so fed up with where they were that they were willing to go to an unknown place to create their own dream?  What happened to that uummphh? 

I've received feedback from a person that is a mentor to me and they have said recently that yes, I get knocked down, sometimes I have to catch my breath, yet time and time again, I get back up stronger, wiser, better.  it's nice to get outside validation from a person who I respect wholeheartedly. 

That's another thing. Is there actually such a thing as true objectiveness? Hmmm

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.

To a fresh start, and rising again.  :grouphug:

11-13-2023

Take 3.  This is the third time I've attempted to write something. Started going off into some weeds that I didn't need to. This space is to focus on self and healing.

Plus I started explaining why I was not engaging as much with a different site. Like I was seeking approval or perhaps understanding from others here to support my justification of my actions.  That's not a good thing. 

Had a nice long walk with the doggo this AM. Had my herbs and vitamins and need to get some breakfast here in a little bit.  I've noticed the dam_nedest thing, my senses seem to be sharper. I don't know if it's due to me keeping everything squashed prior and now I am relaxing into allowing things to flow or what. Food tastes way better, sniffer is sharper, I'm perceiving better with my peepers, etc.  Course the downside is that I'm also much more aware of discomfort. Chuckle. Yeah, there are socks that the elastic is a bit to tight for day long wear.  That's ok though since now I can purchase new socks and not feel guilty for self care.

Got a plan together on which credit cards accounts to cancel, which ones to keep. How best to utilize them, etc.
Haven't heard back from the real estate agent that's helping me with the rental search.  Found one that I really like, price point is crazy good, and hurry up and wait. The agent that is helping me has got calls in to the listing agent so fingers crossed. Course it's still early here. Not yet 8:00AM.

Passed the final of the last class and now into the next. I have bout 70 days to pop the new class. Then next session, only 3 classes till sheepskin. IDK if I'll travel to a different state to go through the graduation ceremony. A small drawback from going to university 100% virtual. Don't have to decide that now.

Did get back on social media in a limited sense. Using it intentionally. I'm starting to recognize how my healing path is such that as I progress I'll be removing myself from certain groups as I go along.  Not saying that these groups are "bad" or are not helpful to others. It's a simple matter of "is group XYZ serving my highest and best?" if no then drop it with gratitude for the assistance in my healing path as I move forward.

If we are stories that we tell ourselves about ourselves and the stories that others have told us about us, the question is what kind of story do I accept as truth? For now. I say for now because I'm healing, developing, changing into someone different than the who I was before.  Will it serve my highest and best to keep beating on the drum of something that may not be applicable to me at this point in my path?  For new to come into existence the old has to be released. For every start there is an ending. Such is the way this realm is set up. I know that when I release the old, the new better shows up really really fast. Almost like the universe was waiting for me to get off the pot. Chuckle.

Time to go make some breakfast.

Wishing all here, all the best.
 

 :hug:

11-14-23

I don't know why having a date in a journal entry is important to me.  I think that it's so there is a better sense of time passage than if I didn't have the dates.  Kind of like having a book that wasn't put together in order, you would eventually get the gist of everything but getting there would be a P.I.T.A. 

Found out that it will take a couple of days for the management co to walk through the application and to do the background / credit check. 

I really am putting out there that I get that house to rent.  Even if it's only for 1 year.  It had really good vibes.

The hurry up and wait is difficult to do.  I have school work, but it's one of those things.  Used to be able to like super focus on things, with the whole bit of starting to feel "safe" I've noticed that my attention is more apt to wander.  Chuckle, maybe it's me returning back to a baseline that I didn't know or forgot that I had.

Having a hankering to get into some emotional type stuff.  Could be a ragged mess by the end but why not?  Been looking at myself in a different light.  Well, objectively speaking, I have had other people tell me how they see my strength, my courage, my shear refusal to quit. I may be bleeding, I may have a limb that refuses to operate, but if I'm breathing, I'm going to go forward.  As long as there isn't substances that f with muscle control.  I'll take the pain, the discomfort, I'll take all of that.  Yeah went into physical comparison. I've got lots of experience in that so to me that makes more "sense".  There was a time, was banged up pretty good, nothing busted, bone / tissue bruises. bout 40% of body, western MD had given me a muscle relaxer + a narcotic pain pill.  The combo was nasty.  Couldn't even get out of bed to crawl to bathroom.  Yeah, I've had to crawl to the bathroom before, bad case of flu, was so weak that couldn't walk, but dam-ed if I was gonna mess the bed.

I took myself off the mix o pills from the MD. Like nah, anything that f-s with my ability to move not a fan.  Course if the MD had taken more than 5 minutes there could have been something else for the rx. 

I've been finding zen koans rather interesting in seeing what kind of answers my cognitive brain comes up with.  In some ways they seem to me a much smaller paradox than what this realm is.  At least when it comes to humans.  As an example.  To receive from the environment you first must find it within.  That is truth.  Seems like a paradox but it's not.  Depends on point of view.  As I have been healing up, and recognizing that I'm a decent human being, the way other people interact with me has changed.  I have a waxed canvas fedora (Indiana jones adjacent)  that I typically wear out in public.  I got a compliment from a person who was sporting a nice felt hat circa 1940's (kind of like what Sinatra would wear in that time frame) and even though the sticks and bricks store was packed with people, I got treated with respect and dare I say at times consideration.  It was like the kindness and consideration I was showing others was being mirrored back but it was happening at the same moment. if that makes any sense.

Language gets difficult to use when there are concepts that don't fit into the typical causal lineal concepts. 

I've also noticed that typically I receive a compliment from folks that I don't know from adam / eve. 

What is the universe's message on all this?  Hmmm 

What a day.  Started rough as he77.  Stressing over finding a rental.  The roomy isn't being as johnny on the spot with the stuff needed for a rental application.  Dam-nedest thing is I'm the only one that is going to be financially responsible for the rental. the roomy will be paying me. Yeah, well the roomy has management issues with $.

Ended up hitting FB after the almost 2 hour dog walk this morning. Trying to get a bead on what the blasted emotional mix I was dealing with.  There are a couple of private groups that I am in, one about personality disorders and one about adoption. Asking folks who are further down the path what in the every living was going on. 

Basically it boils down to that I'm in the absolutely typical response of healing.  One person mentioned that it was me detoxing from the BPD abuse.  In both realms of things.

Well, d-mn.  At least knowing that I'm in the the typical response of healing that helps put everything emotionally in perspective.  I can roll with it and allow the emotions to flow, which is also healing.

11-18-23
Got approved for the rental.  Signing paperwork on Monday. Then can start moving stuff.  I'll get charged a prorated thing for the days before the 1st of Dec. 

At least then I can be out of the space that I have been in, that has so many connotations to negative sh_t.

Hi StartingHealing,
That's great that you were approved for the rental.  Hope that your moving process goes smoothly.
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on November 19, 2023, 01:53:05 PMHi StartingHealing,
That's great that you were approved for the rental.  Hope that your moving process goes smoothly.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope.

Honestly it's a freaking mixed bag emotionally right now. Happy, nervous, excited, and at the same time angry, sad, grieving, pissed off. 

But none of that is going to move stuff.

Guess I'll have to see how it goes.

Did get a decent pickup load to the rental yesterday.  Gonna shoot for 2 loads today and also to get the utilities active at the rental today as well. Plus getting an internet provider going.  Already got electrical power transfer in process. Got the other utilities for the former marital residence scheduled for shut off by the 30th. 

The emotional bag I figure is typical.  Sigh.

Wishing all here, all the best.

11-27-2023

What a week.  Found a rental, signed paperwork on 20th, first load went that day. Final walk through on the  25th.
 Kinda missed T-day but in the big scheme of things didn't even miss it.  Had other things to fuss with.
 
Energetically? Vibe wise? it's about 20 mile distance wise, however for that it's sure a huge difference in emotional content.  At the former location, I never really felt, need to fire up the thesaurus because the usual words are some that the former spouse would use, repeatedly for her manipulations.  There is always a certain amount of risk involved in being alive.  For goodness sakes, a body could slip and fall in the shower you know? I'm also a capable person so my threshold is a fair bit higher than others.  All that being said, in the new to me place, I'm much more settled, more certain if you will.  Not to mention the .. I don't know if it's because of my vibe I'm putting out but damn, the folks are way more friendly, a lot easier to get along with, and seemingly a much better attitude generally speaking. Seriously, I've gotten more 'good mornings" "have a good one" "have a nice day" and even more cool is that the restaurant staff / owners seem to be truly appreciative of my business. Unlike my usual experience in the old location and it's environs.

Additionally, I feel a lot more "supported" in the new place.  I know that part of it is that with the move, and it's a rental, and very very few people know the address.  The ones that know it, have nothing to do with the former spouse.  that fact that she doesn't know my new address, so the low grade concern of a possible drive by, or that she would send someone to f with the house, is gone.  And since it's a rental, my name isn't showing up on the county clerk and recorders website of real estate owners. The last couple of things is new email addresses, and then after that a new cell #.  Then I'll have gone pretty much fully incognito from her and her crew of flying monkeys.  Another interesting thing is that although the new location is deeper in a metro area, the average cost of living is way less.  If memory serves it's 2% less expensive overall. I know it doesn't sound like much but 20$ per $1000, that adds up quick.  Big box home improvement store is 1.25 miles away. Local grocery is 1/2 mile away, gas station is 1/4 mile away, everything is so much more convenient.

I've slept deeper than I have in a very, very long time.  The neighborhood is working class, the folks there keep the houses up.  And it's quiet. Surprisingly quiet for being a stones throw away from a major thoroughfare.

I got enough of the critical things handled to where can live without to much hassle.  Still digging into boxes and the like for dry goods etc.  Have to configure where things go in the kitchen, etc.  Sometime this week I should be getting a washing machine.  One of those top load, basic, white enamel over steel ones.

Wishing all here all the best on their healing path.

11-28-23

Oh mercy. I reckon that I'm still going through decompression.  IDK what kind of expectations I have of myself.  I mean, since late June 2022 till late Nov 2023 has been one * of a ride.  Strange that the actions were grouped together.  Maybe I needed some time to "play".  there is this game app that I'm currently playing that captured my focus yesterday, like hard.  Easy couple of hours "poof" but I did get through many levels of the game. 

Perhaps today after work, I'll be able to focus in on configuring the house some more.

Wishing all here all the best

It was a wild ride for sure and it'll take a good amount of time to fully shake it all off. But you've gotten yourself to a safe space now and that will make healing all that much faster.

Quote from: Armee on November 28, 2023, 02:33:31 PMIt was a wild ride for sure and it'll take a good amount of time to fully shake it all off. But you've gotten yourself to a safe space now and that will make healing all that much faster.

Very much so Armee. 

12-3-23

Been a while since I have written here.  Took a while a couple of days back to read my posts here and also on outofthefog.  I have come a very long way from a year, year and 1/2 ago.  Weird how the processing of emotions goes on.  Currently I have a huge mix of emotions that there isn't like a "primary" emotion.  Guess the good thing is that I'm having them. Could be a movie title "The Man who Emoted All At Once" chuckle.  In all seriousness though, being in a new space, getting it set up, having plans for the space in the future.  Well, for many years I couldn't have "art" on the walls. Even if it was a calendar that had attractive to me images of nature, or the ocean or whatever. Now I have lots of wall space.  Don't want to fill fill it but to have some images that I could change out to new ones, or been thinking about getting a digital picture frame, are those still a thing?  I looked at a blue ray player and crap did those things get cheep.  The last one I bought was around $250 and the one I was looking at was like 60$.  Course it's been a few years.

AS I have been organizing, configuring, problem solving for workable solutions for things around the new place, I've made up my mind to reduce the amount of {fecal matter} I have.  Gotta say that some of it was really d-mn tough to part with.  That's the other thing that I have noticed, I have a tendency to hold on to things, tools, etc. even after I've moved on to something new.  I was going through a box and came across personal protective equipment from way way back.  Some pieces were from when I graduated high school. (USA) Most were from when I was working as a welder in the late 90's.  Nuts that I carried that across the country and never used it again.  I think the last time I welded was back in 2005 - 2006? if memory serves. I know why I kept that stuff.  It was something that I was good at.  Made a living doing it.  Something that was interesting to me.  D-mnedest thing, I was pressured into changing careers by the former spouse.  And now I'm letting the stuff that has meaning to me, I'm letting that go. 

I let go of the signs that a power sports mechanic vocational school gave me as well.  Another thing that had meaning to me. Something that I was good at, interested in, made a living at, until the little town had a huge economic shock because of nafta or cafta. The primary employers there had fabric / wire mills and within 90 days they had shut down the plants.  Hard to convince someone to spend money on a motorcycle, ATV, personal watercraft, when they are worried about bread and beans on the table.

I know I need to clean all this (fecal matter) out.  To let it go.  With letting it go then there is space for something new to come in.  For me anyway, having something physical that was like a touch stone for past achievements was really good because I could go touch and feel and 'remember' that I was that dude at one time.  That I achieved 3rd in State competition for stainless steel TIG welding, didn't die or break anything at the skiing celebration that happened a month after, and actually had fun doing it.  The dude that graduated not only at the top of the class, but also with the schools highest ever recorded GPA for powersports.  I do not have the words on how those touch stones helped me maintain my self and sanity while going through the marriage to a BPD.  But now, now I don't need them.  Least that is what it "feels" like at this point. 

I don't have the walking, talking, chaos generating, negativity spewing, black hole around to beat on me with her words, behavior, attitude, put-downs, (y'all know the usual litany of things personality disordered people do)

No lie, grieving, a ton of it, anger, happy, contented, etc. "The man who is emoting all at once"  Kinda wearying in a way.

Then again, Nov 2023 was one he77 of a month.  And it's only the 3rd of Dec.  All things considered, I think I'm doing mighty fine I reckon.  Wishing all here, all the best.

Dec 10 2023.

Hm, was 7 days ago that I last posted here.  Perhaps I am reading to much into it but it appears that the better I am the less need I have to post?  or at least there isn't the "pressure" of needing to get something expressed.

Expressing, that's a rather large elephant * in the middle of my metaphorical living room.  There is the social programming because I'm a dude, then there is the adoptee programming, and then there is the typical processing which I have found to be usually thus for males. Event -> instinct -> reason -> emotion.  I wonder if I have always been more stoic by genetic inclination or is it from the events and programming that I have been through?  Growing up on a family dairy farm definitely provided experiences that gave me a different perspective of things. As an example, blizzards. Outside your control. You can feel whatever you feel but it doesn't change the fact that with the wind chill it's still -70 degrees F.  Which also meant that a long, hard, slog to get things operational again was coming.  Or on the other hand, floods.  Outside your control.  Gonna be a long hard slog to get back to operational status.  Cows don't care. They expect to be milked at least twice a day. And by the gods, you bent everything possible to make that happen. Plus feeding them, and ensuring that they had water to drink. 

Did you know for every gallon of milk a cow has to drink something like 8 gallons? 

I have figured out that there is a spot in my back, that first hinge point directly behind the bottom of my sternum, that really acts up with pain when I am not attending to my emotions.  Makes sense to me, considering that the bodies innate intelligence is way smarter than our conscious mind.  As such, it came up with a means to get me to pay attention.  When it starts sending signals of discomfort or pain, I start doing the belly breathing and then verbally speak the emotions that I am having at that moment.  For quite a while I didn't "get it" I didn't get the tie in from physical to emotional.  Really though, after really considering it, our bodies are reacting to emotions all the time.  It's the long term negative that f-cks us.  Stress, stuffed feelings, etc. 

I know that there are other factors like genetic disposition, physical weaknesses, etc.  yet, if you take all those variables out, looking at the results, high blood pressure, adrenal burnout, cognitive issues, etc. there is common ground there.

I have been finding myself smiling more of late towards holiday decorations.  I will say that there is a fair dose of the sad(s) attached as well.  Grieving still I think.  I remember the sh-tshow that would happen with the former spouse when decorating for the upcoming holiday. Did not matter which holiday it was.  I'm not going to get into Valentines day either. Yeesh.  That was ... ugggghhhh.

I've dropped off visiting 7cups. I could be totally mistaken here.  To my perception, it appeared that many members were not actively working on their program for recovery, health, healing, call it whatever.  That somehow 7cups was being used to maintain their victimhood.  If that makes any sense.  Listen, if I want to go down that road, I have a bunch of events that I could point to and go that route.  Being an adoptee is up there in terms of severe events.  Did you know that folks that have gone through the same event are represented at 4x normal distribution in various populations? Those that self delete, in jail, drop out of society, drug and alcohol abuse, cognitive disorders, and so on.  Add in that typically adults that adopt are not really looking out for the best interests of the child. there is a personality thing or something going on with them.  Meanwhile, the industry keeps up the propaganda of happy adoptee BS.  In a way the selling of humans hasn't stopped. They have changed the mask is all. 

Then physical trauma, I've been in shock so many times I know what to do, and that I'm in shock. I know the symptoms of being concussed. Lightly to severely. I know the difference in feeling of a bone bruise compared to a bone break.  What cuts or injuries are gonna need stitches and ones that don't.  I have places on my hands that have gonna barked so many times they don't even bleed anymore.  The difference between the flu that could kill you and the strain that won't.  And how to keep moving when every fiber in your being is so damn tired that you fall asleep standing up. How to keep the 5 senses grounded when your noggin is trying to create hallucinations because of lack of sleep.  Car accidents, motorcycle accidents, construction accidents, I like to say that me and life are in a full contact mode. Perhaps I'm very lucky or I have one he77 of a healing system because after all the physical, mental, emotional, mind you that the mental and emotional are ongoing, incidents? Events? I'm healing from all that mess.  Just need to get outta my own way.  Help the processes along instead of hindering it. 

Been considering some things.  Like for instance.  There is a process that happens when our bodies get injured to restore the body.  Where did the idea come from that process is only the physical?  Attempting to think holistically.  Certain foods affect mood, certain substances affect cognition.  Certain moods affect the body. So where does one stop and the other start?  Or is the idea that mind is separate from body and emotions are also separate a handy fiction or what?  If mood and emotion are truly separate then why does exercise help elevate mood and cognition? Even getting sunlight helps elevate mood.  If the thoughts we think affect our emotions which also affect the body then.. Do you see what I mean? Perhaps in this so called modern era, there has been a wee bit to much reductionist applied. 

Think about the hunter gatherer ancestors that we come from.  Think about what they would have experienced.  We are not that far removed from them. Being us, how did they handle things?  They didn't have the daily modern crap but there still was politics, interpersonal relationships, warfare, and so forth.  They didn't have the "knowledge" that we do yet they thrived for hundreds of thousands of years. Perhaps, the so called modern era is what is messing with us on a far larger scale that encourages behavior that runs counter to what our ancestors (us) was adapted for?   

Wishing all here all the best

12-12-2023

Today is another day where the emotions are very close to the surface.  Emotions will come out some d-mn how no matter what is going on.  Typical I guess.  I say that because of all the other events that I have been through and how my reactions to them fell smack dab into the typical range. I'm not attaching a story to the emotions as best as I'm able.  That is more difficult than it sounds.  As a human, the usual story creation aspect is there.  emotionally, there is a reservoir that needs draining. this is rather intense due that there are areas in my physical body that hurt.  And as the emotions get expressed then those areas hurt less.  That is not outside the pale of a typical human experience.

Now, in my current situation finally there is a safe space where I do not have to be concerned about any aspect of safety.  Allowing the healing to progress as it needs to.  Sometimes I think that I get in my own way in that regard.

Wishing all here all the best.

12-15-2023

Interesting.  New phone came in.  Great piece of hardware and the camera system is phenomenal.  Future thinking when I choose it, I went with the best hardware I could get because I know it will be 4 years or longer before I get another one.  That's been my usual practice up to this point. 

Was reminded of something this morning.  On the dog walk this morning my noggin went weird.  The 4 cardinal directions were still there but the spatial location of my new place got flipped 180 degrees.  That point reminds me of the times in the past where my noggin would do something like this before as I was recovering from being severely concussed.  Makes sense to me that my wiring would be readjusting since I'm no longer in that toxic situation. 

There is a spot in my back that acts up pain wise when I get spun up emotionally.  However it has been getting better as in it hasn't been as tender. 

Looking like that I am moving towards health.   ;D

Wishing all here all the best.

Ahh the holiday season is upon the land and I'm doing well I think. (chuckle) Still have a bit of apprehension because honestly, I'm not used to the peace, the quiet, the not being beholden to another, that it's just me.  That I don't have to do X unless I want to.  Very strange going from the "have to" to eh, maybe I will, maybe I won't.

 There is still work but that is kind of a given.  Have to be of service of some sort to others to get the $ needed for the daily bread type thing. In my daily experience I don't think about the former spouse. At all. Where I do distinctly remember her being a large part of my thinking prior.   I do hear things occasionally from a 3rd party about her.  Now it's like eh, whatever.  Dam_edest thing though, she's having the exact same scenario happening but according to her I was the one 100% at fault. Truth does come out eventually I reckon.

 Have branched out and joined a FB group that engages in pen pal letter exchange. The preferred method is fountain pens and cursive writing.  there are some that use a manual typewriter.  That got me thinking  ;)  Perhaps in the future I shall acquire one and find a good service tech for it.  I'm discovering that while digital items are very handy, I mean crapola the device in my pocket has multiple times the processing power it took to land a person on the moon for Pete's sake, there is a fondness for analog, for mechanical things.  Typing was a mandatory class in high school.  The Royal 440 mechanical typewriters with the two tone ink ribbon was the devices that we had to use. My analog photography hobby brings me joy, and I prefer the camera that is 100% mechanical in nature.  The other one I have is a good camera but it has more electronics, and if the batteries go dead, so does the camera.  Both are using 35mm film.

Actually, my new mobile has a significant camera pack. Captures amazing images. yet, I still prefer the look and feel of an image that has been developed into an actual physical print.  It's amazing when I look through the negatives and that + light + paper results in a physical object that I can hold.  Not just pixels on a screen. Our thinking meat is hard leaning towards analog things. I think that at times digital is another level of abstraction that generally speaking we don't really know what the f is going on.

As the quiet and the peace seep slowly into the old woundings, many things get processed and the load of toxic shi-e is further reduced.  At times I wonder, as a passing thought how long it will take for me to return to a level comparable to where I was at the beginning of the marriage. 

To all the brave souls here, my wish is that you have a wonderful holiday season and a wonder filled new year!

12-27-23

How weird.  My sense of time has become very mutable. I am attempting to remember the last time that was a happening thing.  Hm, to get so absorbed into something that the sense of time passing changes.  My feeling is that it has been many a year.  Strange how memory works. I do remember a time where it was so very important to me to have that elephantine memory. People, places, things, events, because then I would always know the truth about what happened.  Not really engaging in emotional content to the memories, rather more of a if you will detective style. on x date, at this time, person a said ________, person b said________, etc.  Perhaps that was an outgrowth of me wanting to be Spock from the original Star Trek series.

Not to say that there isn't memory that has an emotional charge to them.  there are.

Maybe the shift is due to the stack of supplements that I am currently taking.  I've added supplements that help with homocystine levels in the blood. Homocystine is an in-between amino acid, everyone has a certain amount circulating in the blood. Come to find out that a high level of it can cause hypertension. Also found out that with long periods of stress (living with a person that is personality disordered counts) it is typical for the human body to decrease protein breakdown into amino acids, leading to high homocystine levels.  An interesting aspect of the stack is that if someone isn't on pharmaceuticals there isn't any negative interactions and it actually helps with neuro-plasticity, smooth muscle recovery, and heart health.  perhaps I have been taking the stack for long enough that the beneficial effects have gotten to a point where I am finally noticing them.

Speaking of, I need to go take my stack and get some food.

Wishing all here, all the best

Jan 3 2024

It's a new year.  Looking back over the events of the last two years.. Holy 5h-t.  Huge amount of changes.  All for the better.  Got through the holidays, niftiest thing is that I'm smiling more. That in itself is really cool.  Oh I remember many holiday seasons where it wasn't anything else going on except just getting through it.  The loose cannon per se. 

I'm not going to go down that path this time.  I feel that I've spent enough time / attention / energy on the fecal matter.  Things that you put your attention on, gets bigger. 

I have added methylene blue to my stack.  The research on it has shown that it not only helps cognition but also the reducing of negative memories. Breaks up the neural net, and also helps reset the hippocampus.  I'm thinking that a holistic approach, you know?   

 :cheer:

Congrats on a new and very very different start to the new year!

Hey...be careful with the supplements? I'm sure the doses are quite low of the things you take and its probably all good and you do your research. This one just caught my attention as I remember it from way back in the day when I got my degree in toxicology (like pharmacology but for non-medicines...environmental toxins and the treatment of poisoning etc). This one...methylene blue can cause toxicity esp when used in combination with SSRIs...same class of drugs as say Prozac. Not trying to lecture at all I think it's great you are taking your health seriously. That's great and better than me for sure. Just be cautious as you add supplements. There are lots of weird interactions out there you might not stumble across...either between supplements or with other medications or health conditions. Ok I hope I didn't offend in anyway. Keep on keeping on with recovery and with health!  :hug: 

Quote from: Armee on January 03, 2024, 04:28:26 PM:cheer:

Congrats on a new and very very different start to the new year!

Hey...be careful with the supplements? I'm sure the doses are quite low of the things you take and its probably all good and you do your research. This one just caught my attention as I remember it from way back in the day when I got my degree in toxicology (like pharmacology but for non-medicines...environmental toxins and the treatment of poisoning etc). This one...methylene blue can cause toxicity esp when used in combination with SSRIs...same class of drugs as say Prozac. Not trying to lecture at all I think it's great you are taking your health seriously. That's great and better than me for sure. Just be cautious as you add supplements. There are lots of weird interactions out there you might not stumble across...either between supplements or with other medications or health conditions. Ok I hope I didn't offend in anyway. Keep on keeping on with recovery and with health!  :hug: 

No offense taken. I do appreciate your concern.  Sometimes the difference between health and harm is dosage. the amount of methylene blue is exceptionally low.
  .1 mcg per kilogram of body weight and that is at best a every other day single dose.  And not only is it USP grade it also has 3rd party testing per batch.  I am not using any pharmaceuticals of any type outside the occasional aspirin / acetaminophen. I realize that the common idea is to "fix ______ now" and that does lead to more problems. I am also not using skullcap, passion flower, Valerian, GABA, etc. I have checked to see if there are any contra-indicators for every supplement that I am currently ingesting. Other than the cautions with methylene blue and SSRI - MAO inhibitors I have not come across anything.

I'm also taking it slow.  You have to consider that it took a long time for things to get to where they are, and that means it's going to take some time to get back to a state like I was before all the BS.

Wishing you all the best.

Relieved I didn't offend and way to go doing your research!

HI SH,

I'm glad the Holiday stress is behind us also. I'm glad you're feeling some holiday relief.

I'll chime in with the medication conversation just to say that I'm glad to hear you are cautious and keeping the dosages low.  Good luck with all that. I've made some dumb mistakes in the past with medications and have learned my lesson. I tend to be a "If a little is good, then a lot is better" kind of a thinker, which isn't a smart way to handle my intakes. I'm glad you're smarter than that.

Happy New Year: Happy NO MORE holidays for a while. :)

Hi SH,

It sounds like you're getting some time to do the things you want to do after being in your new space. I'm sure it's helpful for the body to be able to relax like that and explore some new things.

I've had success in helping some of my cptsd anxiety by working with some body stuff that is/was going on (mycotoxins, gut health, good b vitamins) and can appreciate some of the benefits of supplements. You might have already read into it, but there is some research on the MTHFR mutation which affects homocystine in the body, which then in turn has an impact on neurotransmitters. There is of course debate about how much it is a factor etc, but might be of interest.

Sending you support,
dolly

Quote from: Papa Coco on January 05, 2024, 10:03:11 PMHI SH,

I'm glad the Holiday stress is behind us also. I'm glad you're feeling some holiday relief.

I'll chime in with the medication conversation just to say that I'm glad to hear you are cautious and keeping the dosages low.  Good luck with all that. I've made some dumb mistakes in the past with medications and have learned my lesson. I tend to be a "If a little is good, then a lot is better" kind of a thinker, which isn't a smart way to handle my intakes. I'm glad you're smarter than that.

Happy New Year: Happy NO MORE holidays for a while. :)

PC, I too used to be of the mindset of if a little was good then more is better.  Those situations didn't turn out well.  ;)

 The holidays.. This may be a bit weird but bear with me,  I know that it's not the holidays fault that there is / was, hopefully reducing, negative connotations with dates on a calendar.  I've realized that it's not the anything to do with the wheel of the year.  It's the lived experiences of being in a relationsh-t with an personality disordered individual whose patterns of behavior were such that being around them during times of the year that are supposed to be primarily positive, was at times quite literally he77 on earth.

 There was no correlation to causation in that the same actions I took, depending on which jacked up movie she was attempting to play out, had any type of similar effects.  Then she would in a fit of rage, yell at me at why I didn't do certain things any more. As an example, I used to leave little notes for her to find.  I used to come home from work with flowers, or there were times I'd mail her a card.  After a long while of one time I would do these things, and it was appreciated, then the next 10 times it was because I was attempting to gloss over my shortcomings, if it was a 1 out of 10 split.  Thinking about it, it was more like a 1 in 20, maybe a 1 in 30 split.  I realize now that it was a great deal of projection on her part.  Yet her expectation that I would continue to do the actions that resulted in me getting accused of cheating on her, not giving a da-n, I'm just doing it to manipulate her, SMH.

 Not even animals would continue to do the same behavior with it weighted to negative consequences vs a minuscule amount of positive reinforcement. If you want more of a certain behavior, then positive reinforcement you know?  Such was not in case apparently according to her. 

I've self reflected on my wants, desires, what I was really looking for in the relationsh-t. I don't think I was requiring anything outlandish. Respect as a person, kindness, consideration, having the outlook that it's both of us as a team, each with their own strengths and weaknesses.  Two distinct individuals that could prioritize each other over themselves. Sigh.  That common baseline, I mean seriously, how much more could this be simplified?  Was to much for her. 

I'm a member of a BPD survivors group on FB and it is scary. The down deep level of OMFG! scary. I mean, when considering the possibilities that another person, in a different country (so this isn't a developed nations only issue), with differing genetic lines, differing societal influences, language, etc. To have the same patterns of behavior?!?!?!  Like what in the ever-living is going on here?  There is a member that has concluded that there is a overarching malevolent force that is responsible for the same patterns of behavior.  I mean even from a evolutionary viewpoint, what kind of survival benefit is there for a personality disorder?  Using the accepted metric of familial groups, tribal in a larger sense, one would think that natural selection on who could reproduce, would be a downward pressure, a push to eliminate these behaviors due to limited people in the group.  You had to depend on the other members doing their part in order for you to survive and get to a point in sexual maturity to reproduce.  Personality disordered people, IMO do not fit into that paradigm. I wonder what is driving the increase in personality disordered people.  Excluding the hunter-gatherer groups, is it because generally speaking humans have such a easier time surviving now than in prior eons? Or is it some sort of unknown manifestation due to abnormalities introduced because of the forever chemicals that are in the environment?  There is DDT, Teflon, PFSA's, I found out that the average american eats the equivalent amount of plastic that is contained in 5 credit cards annually. Like *? What is that doing to us? I'm not going to get into the broad-spectrum antibiotics, or the synthetic hormones that end up in drinking water from insecticides, or that for some reason testosterone levels world wide have been falling since the 1950's. 

I know I got off in the weeds there.  Chalk it up to a stream of consciousness type of thing. 

Let me see, it will be 2 years in June of this year that I've been NC with the former spouse. Comparing my daily experience now, compared to the "best" (if one can use that term) of days, {excluding the love bombing phase} it is so much better.  My days are simple, the living space is calm, the food surprisingly tastes way better, I am more apt to smile and be social, I'm much more content without be complacent.  The dead weight that had been holding me back has been jettisoned,  and I can breathe freely and easily. 

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

Quote from: dollyvee on January 06, 2024, 02:22:43 PMHi SH,

It sounds like you're getting some time to do the things you want to do after being in your new space. I'm sure it's helpful for the body to be able to relax like that and explore some new things.

I've had success in helping some of my cptsd anxiety by working with some body stuff that is/was going on (mycotoxins, gut health, good b vitamins) and can appreciate some of the benefits of supplements. You might have already read into it, but there is some research on the MTHFR mutation which affects homocystine in the body, which then in turn has an impact on neurotransmitters. There is of course debate about how much it is a factor etc, but might be of interest.

Sending you support,
dolly

Dolly, I haven't read that particular study however, I have linked several things together. My birth father died from a heart attack when he was in his mid-40's.  I do not know if was related to anything in particular. The maternal side besides having a weakness to alcohol, there were several folks who did not eat well, and smoked the majority of their lives, lived to some ripe old ages.  Late 80's early 90's before leaving this realm.  Being adopted when it comes to medical history sucks.  Considering that about half of all high blood pressure cases that are diagnosed in the USA have no observable causes, and then plugging in that the body can and does modify gene expression (turning them on or off) based on environmental signals, then taking into account the high stress environment I was exposed to for 2 and 1/2 decades, then having high blood pressure readings a while back when through my entire life up to that point I consistently had low blood pressure, I thought that it was a very strong possibility that due to the stress I was going through, definitely possible that my gene expression changed affecting the ability to correctly process protein leading to a high level of homocysteine levels which can cause high blood pressure.   Then when researching the supplements for reducing homocysteine levels I discovered that there isn't a down side.  Yes there are specific forms of B vitamins etc which I haven't found at the local "health food" store. Amazon to the rescue.  Shoot, just the neural protective and antioxidant benefits are quite good.

Then a pod cast that I follow, former military, Army ranger, been through the wringer in many areas, PTSD, TBI's, divorce, etc. brought up Methylene Blue as a supplement.  Dug into that and while at extremely high doses there are side effects, at the lower end of dosages it is beneficial in overall neural function. I don't know if it's a placebo effect or not. Generally speaking, the benefits are better cognition, memory retention and the reduction of learned fear responses (that is from animal testing) Considering that our entire body is a neural net, one could extend the benefits of better cognition to every aspect of the human body that requires nerve impulses to operate. Just the fact that it has a reducing effect of fear responses?  Sounds like one heck of a good deal.

Taken together, my experience is such that my estimation of a beneficial synergistic effect has been born out. Again, I do not know if it's a placebo effect or not.  Even if it is a placebo effect, the results are what matters right?  Add that to my daily walks, spiritual practice, being a member of a group who has gone through the same crapola I have in regards to personality disordered people, etc. To me a fairly good holistic approach in my quest to heal.  I don't have an end point defined in my healing journey. Just trying to be a little better than I was before.

Wishing you all the best

Hi SH,

I'm on board with a holistic approach. I see the body mind connection as a circle - sometimes it's the mind influencing the body, and sometimes it's the body influencing the mind. I'm also on board with genetic expression, and differences, as what works for one, might not work for another. Of course, there is a degree of science behind explaining why this is so.

After having gone through trauma my whole life and elevated states of stress, I noticed a particular shift at a certain time and no longer had "energy." It got worse over the years, and sometimes better, which was confusing until I saw a functional medicine practitioner who helped put the pieces together. I have an issue with mycotoxin, and most like have CIRS which is genetic. I'm pretty sure both my dad and gm had this. Dad's side for sure, m's side could be other factors. I went through a lot of ups, downs, and dead ends trying to work it out. Some were puzzle pieces that I didn't have the whole picture for (like bad gut bacteria, or hydrogen sulfide SIBO which I had, but was unaware that mycotoxins can be a root cause). It also rewires your nervous system and is a neurotoxin. It's been a year and a bit since I started treating mycotoxins (and microdosing which is also said to help). My weight has gone down since, roughly to the week, that I started, which was one of my only outward symptoms along with much less "body anxiety" as I call it. Probably from reduced inflammation levels and the md helping modulate the inflammation.

Anyways, a lot of doctors etc told me it was just in my head because my test results were normal. Sometimes it takes a while before things come clear. You just have to do what you feel like is working for you (I guess within specific reason of course). I always did a ton of research and sounds like you do too.

B vitamins are great, and anything you don't need is simply removed through the kidneys. I take a form of methylated folate (yeah online shopping!). At first, I had symptoms of "overmethylation," runny nose, feeling quite hyper etc. I read that sometimes when we first experience overmethylation it can be because our body is so low on these vitamins that it goes into to this state to "catch up." I stuck with it for a bit, keeping a close eye on it, and they eventually disappeared. I don't think that's the case with everyone, but for me it worked. A functional methylation cycle is also important for detoxing, creating neurotransmitters, and energy. All which can also have a direct effect on mood. For me, a lot of helpful pieces in dealing with cptsd came through dealing with stuff going on in the body.

Wishing you all the best too on your journey and if you're interested:
https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.114.013311

dolly

SH

The time you spent married to a BPD must have felt like living in a tornado that just kept circling you in unpredictable random flight paths, occasionally destroying what matters to you, and sometimes just near missing it. I can see how that kind of erratic, unpredictable behavior can bring on so much confusion and, I'll say it, even anger. My elder sister was the BPD in my life. She kept me and my entire FOO in chaos for the 50 years I knew her. It took a long time for me to get her out of my head after I went No Contact with the entire family. It took years to get myself to stop trying to predict and prepare for whatever erratic or violent reactions she would have to anything I might say or do. And I wasn't married to her, so I can only imagine that your BPD's unpredictable attacks were even more difficult to break free from than mine were.

I describe my BPD person as a monster, which, for me, is a precisely accurate word to use: A problem can be solved. A giant can be gentle. A beast can be harnessed. But a monster can't be tamed, or predicted, or used for good in any situation. We call our big trucks "beasts" because they're strong and big and with their help we can move mountains. But when we use the word "monster" we are usually describing an unpredictable, dangerous, untamable creature that has the power to do catastrophic harm, and often without justification, warning or reason. So, I call my BPD relative a monster. She had no legitimate reason to tell all the lies that did so much damage to my entire family for decades on top of decades. She only stole and lied and destroyed lives because she wanted to. She was a monster. She was compelled to harm others in order to feed her illness. She was a monster. An unpredictable, untamable monster. Period.

It's great that you have found a BPD survivor's group. I hope they can help you put some distance between what you've been through and what you want for future relationships. BTW, I LOVE your term: Relationsh-t! I'm going to start using it myself when it fits in conversations.

I share your theories about why the world seems to be going crazy. All your theories resonate with me too. The Chemicals, the plastic, the failing air quality and water quality everywhere, and, I can also comment on your thought that an easy survival isn't helping the world. To me, an easy survival allows the mind to make up dramas that weren't there organically. Maslow's hierarchy of needs has been addressed for a lot of people. Many of us are now reaching the Self-actualization phase, having no need to chop wood, or wash clothes in the creek with a rock and a bar of homemade soap. We have pretty easy lives now, and that brings to life that old saying that "Idle hands are the devil's playground." That ancient phrase seems to be playing out in the world today.

In one of my favorite TV Documentaries, Inner Worlds, Outer Worlds, the authors say that ancient religions often teach that our hearts are connected to good, but our thoughts cause all the problems mankind faces. If we just followed our hearts, the way nature does, we would live in harmony with the earth, with each other, and with the animals and plants. But our brains think, and invent, and worry, and blame, and seek revenge, and seek to compete rather than corroborate. Our brains start making goals, and every time we invent something, we create more problems than we solve. Wars aren't fought from the heart; they're fought over people thinking about how much they want other people's land or resources. (I'm currently learning how to feel the desires of my heart, as I've been living in my head for far too long).

Your last paragraph is awesome! It's nice to see that in barely a year and a half, you are already enjoying calm, and that food tastes better. On the day that I realized my sister was out of my life forever, I felt like I was walking 6 inches above the ground. Food tasted better. The colors of the world were brighter.

Thank you for sharing your story. You've helped me remember how much I have to be grateful for now that my own personal BPD drama-queen is gone.

Wishing you all the best in return.

Quote from: dollyvee on January 08, 2024, 12:30:42 PMHi SH,

I'm on board with a holistic approach. I see the body mind connection as a circle - sometimes it's the mind influencing the body, and sometimes it's the body influencing the mind. I'm also on board with genetic expression, and differences, as what works for one, might not work for another. Of course, there is a degree of science behind explaining why this is so.

I also include spirituality in the holistic circle with body / mind. There is an interesting thing as well, what really is mind?  Is it some sort of quantum effect?  They did studies on people that meditate on the regular and holy crap, their physical measurements were in the range of up to 20 years their younger. :O

After having gone through trauma my whole life and elevated states of stress, I noticed a particular shift at a certain time and no longer had "energy." It got worse over the years, and sometimes better, which was confusing until I saw a functional medicine practitioner who helped put the pieces together. I have an issue with mycotoxin, and most like have CIRS which is genetic. I'm pretty sure both my dad and gm had this. Dad's side for sure, m's side could be other factors. I went through a lot of ups, downs, and dead ends trying to work it out. Some were puzzle pieces that I didn't have the whole picture for (like bad gut bacteria, or hydrogen sulfide SIBO which I had, but was unaware that mycotoxins can be a root cause). It also rewires your nervous system and is a neurotoxin. It's been a year and a bit since I started treating mycotoxins (and microdosing which is also said to help). My weight has gone down since, roughly to the week, that I started, which was one of my only outward symptoms along with much less "body anxiety" as I call it. Probably from reduced inflammation levels and the md helping modulate the inflammation.

 Dolly, I think that there are many things that have come up recently as far as causes for human illness.  The industrial food system in the "developed" countries has created many a problem.  May I ask what you are micro dosing? There is a growing thing where certain psychedelics are micro dosed to increase the healing factor within the human grey matter. There are very interesting results coming out in that some studies indicate that they are effective in treatment of PTSD, CPTSD, TBI, even up to people reporting spiritual experiences.
 There is also a theory that psilocybin containing mushrooms were the trigger that pushed the rapid development (in evolutionary terms) of the homo superior superiors cerebral cortex. There is also the concept that every human ill can be healed / cured with plants.

Anyways, a lot of doctors etc told me it was just in my head because my test results were normal. Sometimes it takes a while before things come clear. You just have to do what you feel like is working for you (I guess within specific reason of course). I always did a ton of research and sounds like you do too.

I am not suggesting a deep dive into the history of modern medicine. I did that and it really put everything into a context where the current practice of a synthetic molecule is for a singular issue.  My wake up call was many years ago where the broad spectrum antibiotic was not being effective in a sinus infection. I then started researching into herbs, vitamins, etc.  I found this site in regards to vitamins. http://orthomolecular.org/  Worth the read.

B vitamins are great, and anything you don't need is simply removed through the kidneys. I take a form of methylated folate (yeah online shopping!). At first, I had symptoms of "overmethylation," runny nose, feeling quite hyper etc. I read that sometimes when we first experience overmethylation it can be because our body is so low on these vitamins that it goes into to this state to "catch up." I stuck with it for a bit, keeping a close eye on it, and they eventually disappeared. I don't think that's the case with everyone, but for me it worked. A functional methylation cycle is also important for detoxing, creating neurotransmitters, and energy. All which can also have a direct effect on mood. For me, a lot of helpful pieces in dealing with cptsd came through dealing with stuff going on in the body.

 I don't remember the exact studies but it's starting to look like methylated B vitamins are processed differently and are more effective in the human body. One thing that I have learned is that the RDA is not for health, it's the minimal required for approximately 80% of humans to not acquire the typical "diseases" associated with nutritional deficits.   Hope that what I have put here can help you in some manner. 

Wishing you all the best too on your journey and if you're interested:
https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/CIRCULATIONAHA.114.013311

dolly

Quote from: Papa Coco on January 08, 2024, 07:42:50 PMSH

The time you spent married to a BPD must have felt like living in a tornado that just kept circling you in unpredictable random flight paths, occasionally destroying what matters to you, and sometimes just near missing it. I can see how that kind of erratic, unpredictable behavior can bring on so much confusion and, I'll say it, even anger. My elder sister was the BPD in my life. She kept me and my entire FOO in chaos for the 50 years I knew her. It took a long time for me to get her out of my head after I went No Contact with the entire family. It took years to get myself to stop trying to predict and prepare for whatever erratic or violent reactions she would have to anything I might say or do. And I wasn't married to her, so I can only imagine that your BPD's unpredictable attacks were even more difficult to break free from than mine were.

PC good analog. Have you looked over outofthefog.website? Very good source for information on personality disordered people.  None of the "poor them, must be so hard having ________. It helped me with getting my brain around the storm / monster of a cluster B)

I describe my BPD person as a monster, which, for me, is a precisely accurate word to use: A problem can be solved. A giant can be gentle. A beast can be harnessed. But a monster can't be tamed, or predicted, or used for good in any situation. We call our big trucks "beasts" because they're strong and big and with their help we can move mountains. But when we use the word "monster" we are usually describing an unpredictable, dangerous, untamable creature that has the power to do catastrophic harm, and often without justification, warning or reason. So, I call my BPD relative a monster. She had no legitimate reason to tell all the lies that did so much damage to my entire family for decades on top of decades. She only stole and lied and destroyed lives because she wanted to. She was a monster. She was compelled to harm others in order to feed her illness. She was a monster. An unpredictable, untamable monster. Period.

Indeed. Well said sir. Well said.

It's great that you have found a BPD survivor's group. I hope they can help you put some distance between what you've been through and what you want for future relationships. BTW, I LOVE your term: Relationsh-t! I'm going to start using it myself when it fits in conversations.

I got that word, and others from the podcast that I mentioned earlier. If you wish, let me know and I'll send you the site address via DM. Being former military there are "areas" that spoken about in "salt of the earth" type of way. Which some may not appreciate. 

I share your theories about why the world seems to be going crazy. All your theories resonate with me too. The Chemicals, the plastic, the failing air quality and water quality everywhere, and, I can also comment on your thought that an easy survival isn't helping the world. To me, an easy survival allows the mind to make up dramas that weren't there organically. Maslow's hierarchy of needs has been addressed for a lot of people. Many of us are now reaching the Self-actualization phase, having no need to chop wood, or wash clothes in the creek with a rock and a bar of homemade soap. We have pretty easy lives now, and that brings to life that old saying that "Idle hands are the devil's playground." That ancient phrase seems to be playing out in the world today.

If you look at the Zen folks, they have a quote of "Before enlightenment I chopped wood and carried water.  After enlightenment I chopped wood and carried water. Not that I am implying that there isn't issues that need to be addressed. Far from it.  I think that perhaps the meme (mind virus?) that us humans are only mistakes and our lives don't matter has been so damaging to so many areas. Add in the extremists threats that "the world is going to end" by whatever method that is in vogue at the time. I grew up while the cold war was still going on, within the blast radius of a ICBM from the USSR. There were some kids that well, became nihilists. Then there were others that somehow found hope, something to strive for. the results are in their lives.  I don't know the causes behind the increasing amounts of cluster b disordered people. 6% of the general population. Estimates of total % of all disordered people at least in the USA is upwards to 30%! :O  Is it "modernity" that is creating it? I don't have a clue. Maybe it's the holistic where it's media, chemicals, propaganda, lack of spiritual connection, having a purpose, it's all combined I think.  I wonder about the hierarchy of needs. I mean growing up on a family dairy farm, in many ways very survival based. Yet even there I remember being far more content than recently.  I don't have the "keeping up with the Jones's" or fashion or whatever, There was something there that I have yet to find. If anything according to the hierarchy I should be more of a "actualized" human than when I was on the farm. yet, really?  Something I'm currently puzzling over.

In one of my favorite TV Documentaries, Inner Worlds, Outer Worlds, the authors say that ancient religions often teach that our hearts are connected to good, but our thoughts cause all the problems mankind faces. If we just followed our hearts, the way nature does, we would live in harmony with the earth, with each other, and with the animals and plants. But our brains think, and invent, and worry, and blame, and seek revenge, and seek to compete rather than corroborate. Our brains start making goals, and every time we invent something, we create more problems than we solve. Wars aren't fought from the heart; they're fought over people thinking about how much they want other people's land or resources. (I'm currently learning how to feel the desires of my heart, as I've been living in my head for far too long). The common double edged sword. Those unintended consequences are at times.. Holy Sh-t!  If you have a link to info about learning to listen to your heart please share. 

Your last paragraph is awesome! It's nice to see that in barely a year and a half, you are already enjoying calm, and that food tastes better. On the day that I realized my sister was out of my life forever, I felt like I was walking 6 inches above the ground. Food tasted better. The colors of the world were brighter.

Thank you for sharing your story. You've helped me remember how much I have to be grateful for now that my own personal BPD drama-queen is gone.

Wishing you all the best in return.

IN spite of the issues, there are still so much that is beautiful, so much to be thankful for, One practice that I do is verbally say "Thank you for ___________", sometimes it's a laundry list, sometimes it's a "Thank you for today" what's interesting is by doing that, somehow or another, it brings more things to be thankful for. Weird huh?  I do it at least twice daily. AM and PM. If I don't I'm off my square.

Wishing you all the best

What is today's date?  1-17-2024

I wonder what in blazes is going on.  Well, the day job went to 4 10hr days.  it's nice to have a 3 day weekend but like everything there is a price and mine so far has been not enough sleep.  I've committed to walk my doggo every day before work for at least an hour.  By the time I "feel" sleepy and hit the rack, I go to sleep quickly, and then 6 1/2 to 7 hours later I need to roll out to do a cup o coffee, then get ready for the walk, and away we go.

Last couple of weeks, my sweet tooth has fired off something fierce.  I'll have actual food and then the sweets.  It's like those times when there is a food that you want to eat but can't figure out what the h3ll it is?  Been feeling that as well. 

Unfortunately for me, chocolate goes to my waist like instantly.  Seriously.  Sigh.

I've also been noticing that my current need for human interaction has spiked as well.  I'm wise enough to realize that I'm not anywhere close to being at the point where any type of romantic entanglement is a good idea. 

Along with all this, I'm still making payments to the law firm who's lawyer didn't really do diddly for me divorce wise and got a email from the mortgage division of a bank about a appraisal that supposedly didn't get paid.

It will buff out one way or the other.  I wonder if since the mortgage division is a different division than credit cards..thinking about how to pay the appraisal, it's crappy that if I do use credit card then I'll be paying interest.   I'll have to call and find out * is going on. 

IDK seems like I'm back into that "in between" space again.  I know that there are events that will happen in life that are no more than things to handle, even so.. still sucks that there is the possibility of me having to pay for an appraisal on a refi that didn't go through because the former spouse had her brain case firmly implanted into her anal cavity at the time.  That's incorrect, there isn't a time factor.  In one way or another it's always been there.

Part of me is wondering how long it's going to be until all of this male bovine fecal matter is over and done with.  It's like I've moved on and there are still these tendrils that snake out to keep me from fully being free from any. thing. or. person. associated with the former spouse. yeah, there is a bit of impatience there.  Well fer -hit's sake.  About year 5 is when things started going downhill in the relation-hit, so that's 20 years of supporting her a55, dealing with her BPD male bovine fecal matter, abuse from same, and I want FREE.  To be clean and clear.  Moving forward with MY life.  With no physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, ties.  I think I'm worth that.  I mean, haven't I already paid my dues and fees?   

there's this current thing with a appraisal fee, then the court ordered lifetime alimony, (which got placed onto a wage garnishment even though I was fully compliant with the court order) I don't wish her any harm, and yet sure would be nice for me if something happened where the alimony would be removed from my stack o stuff I'm to be paying. 

Well, time to go call about this appraisal fee thing.

peace

01-20-2024

Dealing with some 5hit over the last couple of days.  No real trigger that I can discern at this time.  I'm in a odd place emotionally.  Thinking about it, I've been in this odd space emotionally for a very long time.  Perhaps my expectation of emotional landscape is incorrect.  Hmmm, yes, I know I'm in my head at the moment, that is kind of my go to when faced with things.  Usual pattern for me anyway is event happens, then instinct kicks in, then reason, then emotions.  Thinking about the usual roles that men did, hunter-gatherer epochs, it makes sense that pattern would be hard wired into my genetic expression.  I know that the narrative in current day is for dudes like me to skip the reason part and go to the emotional part.  Personally I think that narrative has done way more damage than helped men generally.

I do not in any way shape or form am suggesting that emotional context is not important.  Rather that you have to work with what you got in the manner that best serves, not having an outside narrative, dare I say propaganda, become "the way" I am "supposed" to heal from all the -ucked up situations that I've survived?  I do not remember where this quote comes from "Men are human doings".  Well, duh.  that is the way that we are wired, that is part and parcel of our genetic expression da-nit.  IDK, it appears to me that because of the body I inhabit this time round, in this realm, in the culture I reside in, I'm out the gate "evil", everything that is jacked up in the world is "my" fault.  My personal fault.  Like what the ever living fu-k?  Then add in that I not supposed to have feelings, feel pain, and allow whomever access to the resources that I acquire, and at least to me, this goes a long way in explaining why so many guys are saying f it, I'm out.   

I'm in that camp myself.   

I do have to navigate this current society as best as I'm able, taking into account that the current narrative is because I'm breathing I'm a bad guy. Add in my skin color and it's even worse.  And it's a Scooby Doo mystery to most folks in the mainstream why guys are disengaging, some are getting passports and residing overseas, and why some are resigned to video games and pr0n.  I know that for me in the current state of society, I am very very circumspect in all interactions due to the current over-reach where because a person is feeling a certain type of way, and I happen to be in the line of fire, baseless allegations are made to the authorities and at the least my reputation is destroyed, could get fired, be arrested, assets confiscated without any evidence at all.  And the concept of innocent until proven guilty does. not. apply.   

To me, this ties into what I have gone through, I mean, being adopted because one of the adoptive parents wanted to "balance out the kids?"  Like what??? Serious as a grand mal seizure here.  that was the reasoning of the person in the role of mother in the adoptive family.  She had already birthed 4 children, 1 boy and 3 girls.
Indeed.  A bit of psychopathy there.  The person in the role of father, being a foundling himself, I believe he was attempting to pay it forward.  Interesting in not a good way the family dynamics.  Even with the "as born to narrative"  it didn't matter, in many ways I was the red headed step child.  You see, I was there for someone else's emotional fulfillment. Even now with the passing of the adoptive parents, I'm still the red headed step child.  Associated with but not really a part of the adoptive family.

I'm currently having feelings of anger.  Not just because of the mine field that has come about in society but also for the events that I have gone through. there is some that is directed at the former spouse which is a fairly good allegory ( she does have some sort of personality disorder ) for what I am aware of in this current society in the USA. 

As a deductive problem solver, yes generally speaking that is also an expression of what is hard wired into genetic expression, I'm attempting to get a plan together in which I can live out the remainder of my years here in this realm without being so terribly exposed as I feel I am.  I've realized that I'm a fairly sociable person.  That interacting with other humans can be fun and interesting.  yet because of the narrative currently in place, I have to be concerned to a level where I have to consider the long term ramifications of saying 'good day' to someone.  Even if it's a 1 out of 100 probability that has to be taken into account if I am to continue to make a living, have a roof over my head, not have my reputation damaged, etcetera. Let alone continue to rebuild after the emotional, mental, and financial damage from the former marriage. 

To say that this is challenging is a fair understatement IMO.

For me, this ties into what I am working on accomplishing healing wise because I have started to realize that I have more agency than I perhaps perceived myself having.  Part of the perception shift towards realizing how much agency that I have in and over my life.  Spooky in a way, well, growing up on a family farm, there was actions that had to be taken.  The attitude of "chores" has followed me and perhaps that is not exactly how life really is.  Yes, a person needs to be of service to others. But at the same time, having the "have to do" rather than the "want to do".  that changes the emotional basis, at least for me.

At the moment, I am seriously considering what it would take for me to continue to make a living but to also reside in a place in the world where the current mine-field and razor wire of society in the USA doesn't exist in that area.  Or if it does, it is well defined and I'm more easily able to navigate it.  I was F-ing scared most of the time while I was in the relationsh-t with the former spouse.  I'm now free from that, healing from it, and yet the society I perceive generally speaking is such that there is a definite concern on my part. I feel that I cannot be the gregarious, friendly, caring, person that I'm starting to discover out in society.  I do have a hyper awareness of the current social climate and by gum, ... S.O.B. it feels like I'm back to walking on eggshells.  And that really sticks in my craw. 

SH

I just started reviewing a few different places on the forum besides the recovery journals.  I see a response from you from October and I want to address it: it's from the weeks that I was in Hypnotherapy with a metaphysical twist to it. Here's what you wrote:

October 11, 2023, 03:30:56 PM
Papa Coco

You seem to share a lot of the same concepts that I have.  I would like to engage in a conversation with you concerning the spiritual aspects.

I have been hypnotized before and I have found it to be very helpful.

Did I drop the ball? What I can say is that I have been growing a lot since that hypnosis. It's amazing how it guided me to a stronger belief in a more stable way of looking at the insanity of this world and of my life.

I VERY much would love to start a dialogue with you, and with anyone who would be okay talking on a slightly metaphysical way.

My therapist told me that he's noticed that people with lifelong trauma disorders tend to be more spiritually curious than people who had happy childhoods. Of course that's not a hard rule, but speaking generally, the percentage of spiritually minded people is higher in people with C-PTSD.

The things I've been learning since hypnotherapy are stabilizing me in new ways such as I've never felt before.

So if you are still interested in speaking about our C-PTSD journeys with a spiritual/metaphysical flavor, I'm up for it.

Quote from: Papa Coco on January 28, 2024, 08:18:31 PMSH

I just started reviewing a few different places on the forum besides the recovery journals.  I see a response from you from October and I want to address it: it's from the weeks that I was in Hypnotherapy with a metaphysical twist to it. Here's what you wrote:

October 11, 2023, 03:30:56 PM
Papa Coco

You seem to share a lot of the same concepts that I have.  I would like to engage in a conversation with you concerning the spiritual aspects.

I have been hypnotized before and I have found it to be very helpful.

Did I drop the ball? What I can say is that I have been growing a lot since that hypnosis. It's amazing how it guided me to a stronger belief in a more stable way of looking at the insanity of this world and of my life.

I VERY much would love to start a dialogue with you, and with anyone who would be okay talking on a slightly metaphysical way.

My therapist told me that he's noticed that people with lifelong trauma disorders tend to be more spiritually curious than people who had happy childhoods. Of course that's not a hard rule, but speaking generally, the percentage of spiritually minded people is higher in people with C-PTSD.

The things I've been learning since hypnotherapy are stabilizing me in new ways such as I've never felt before.

So if you are still interested in speaking about our C-PTSD journeys with a spiritual/metaphysical flavor, I'm up for it.

Totally up for it.  Would you like to keep it in the area that others can peruse or would this better be handled in a private manner?  Either way works for me. 
Wishing you all the best

let's see it's Feb 3 2024

Sun is up, need to open the blinds to let a Buddha palm plant get some.  Time for more coffee and nicotine.  You know what I find very ironic?  I know that nicotine isn't that healthy of a choice but at least I have a choice.  Yet the powers that be have green lit lots of substances that are much more damaging and there isn't any public notification about those.  Isn't that removing the choice from the public?  PFA's, BPA's, GMO's, a whole laundry list of chemicals, and the list goes on and on. don't forget about the rise in what they are calling turbo cancers now.  Cause officially unknown.

This is an exploratory missive.  I'm attempting to work things out inside my own thinking meat. Not trying to trigger anyone.

I really do think that because of the profit motive there are modalities, techniques, herbs, that have been and are being actively suppressed.  Not only in physical healing but also in the mental / emotional realm as well.  Follow my logic here:  Current archeology findings have pushed anatomically modern human existence back to 250 - 300 thousand years ago. Mankind has been in conflict for eons.  And I'm supposed to accept that in a tribal setting not a single group, anywhere in the world, ever had any trauma?  Or that the tribe would allow a member that was needed for the continued well being of the tribe to remain in that state?  Or how about the idea that the ancestors just dealt with it.  That doesn't track either. 

Then ask what is the most important thing in emotional / mental healing?  The feeling of being connected and safe with another human.  Then the modality.  And what is common in the modern world? Being alone. Not having family, a tribe that comes together to support. having the feeling of being a replaceable carbon based revenue unit. When every. single. thing. is commerce.  What does that do to us?   

Not trying to be all conspiracy here but dam-.  If it walks, looks, and sounds like a duck.. 

Seriously, I'm supposed to believe based on so called experts that in the quarter + million years of homo sapiens sapiens humans being around they never figured anything out in regards to anything?  that is some high level hubris there IMO.  Where did that concept come from?  Who profits from that?   

One thing that I have been led to is that sometimes one has to ask different questions. What ever happened to the "question everything and determine for yourself?" or empirical first hand experience?  When did that go out of the window?  In a tribal setting, why are old people valuable?  Because of the experiences which led to wisdom.  In many ways I believe we have been hoodwinked and have been infected with mind viri that strips away our agency, our innate capabilities for recovery and healing.  We outsource so much, we have been convinced that the cult of the white lab coats are 100% correct all the time.  yet this same cult in it's various forms deliberately squash information that doesn't fall in line with the current dogma. 

What other mind viruses have been intentionally injected into society?  I know a few.

There is the BS about adoption and how (insert favorite cuss phrase here) wonderful it is.  Excuse me, but how is creating a legal fiction wonderful?  How is coercing a mother to relinquish her child wonderful? How is raising a child in environs where there is no genetically related people to them wonderful? Why is kinship adoption the lowest option on the list of possibilities?  People talk about human trafficking and how terrible it is but the adoption industry worldwide legally engages in the exact same thing. Estimated revenues of the adoption industry is in the billions a year.  I guess the only difference is one is legal and one isn't.

What about the whole fat thing?  Usually if the fat is natural, and it hasn't been changed into something else by humans, fat is fine to eat.  Will not increase blood serum cholesterol. Will not increase weight.  What does increase blood serum cholesterol and weight?  Refined sugar.  What do food product manufacturers do to get us to eat the "low fat" stuff that they peddle because of the mouth feel?  Refined sugar.  There are some seed oils that aren't good as well. Almost like man made, man derived substances aren't that good for mankind health wise.

How is colloidal silver so nasty that the FDA has issued warnings about it, even though there has never been a reported case of death, but sodium fluoride hydroxide (which is a toxic byproduct of aluminum refining, this stuff will eat through reinforced concrete, to handle it you better be in a full hazmat suit) is routinely added to tap water and toothpaste? And yes, there are deaths associated with it along with many other nasty side effects that doesn't kill.

Kinda makes me wonder what else is toxic, in all areas, that the powers that be have propagandized so that it appears that it's not? 

I'm attempting to obtain a realistic and objective view of what I find myself in.  As navigators have always said "the map isn't the terrain". What if the map we have been force fed isn't accurate at all and who derives benefit off of us floundering around attempting to find our way? 

I wish all the brave souls here, all the best

Feb 4 2024

healing action(s)

I have joined some pen pal (snail mail) groups off of FB and it's been a on going positive experience.  Maybe it's a over correction from being alienated from anybody except the loose cannon, it's really nice to communicate with others in that manner. there is a good 1/2 dozen or better in the states and I've sent some international. I have informed delivery and there have been times that did not notify me and surprise! a wonderful letter. The international aspect is just starting to come online in IRL. One of the groups I belong to has a thing where when you send a letter you make a post about it. And there is one so far that indicates a letter on it's way to my mailing address.    I even got myself a manual typewriter as well since my longhand at times can be a bit messy.  Thinking about international specifically, American English isn't native to them and then add in the possible messy and typing a letter seemed to be the best option.  Inflation has got to the postage rates but it's still a decent deal.  Up to 1 oz to 180 different countries for a buck 55?

Consider this: before the internet, before the phone system, writing letters was "the" means of communicating with others at distance.  IDK maybe it's a nostalgia thing. There was a gal that was in the position of cousin to me in the adopted family.  She lived in a city that was 2 1/2 hours drive away and that was definitely long distance on the old land based phone system and we were pen pals for a very very long time. It was always a good day when a letter would arrive.

I'm tapping into the part of my noggin that has understanding about the symbols we call words.  How best to communicate an emotional state via text? How best to not introduce confusion?  How to form a sentence, paragraph, that is easy to follow and makes sense to a non-native speaker? 

As a result of that, I've noticed that my own thoughts have gained clarity and dare I say some insight? 

I know that there will be pen pals that come and go.  Life happens and that's ok.  if I can provide someone a smile or a good vibe when they read a letter I sent them then I'm spreading the good around you know?  A small act of defiance towards the doom / gloom, everything is a major crisis narrative that is unfortunately present these days. 

Besides all of that.. it's just fun.  Something that has been lacking in my experience for some time.

Wishing all here, all the best

Hi StartingHealing,
I really enjoyed reading what you wrote here about making contact with some FB penpals.  I also very much relate to the enjoyment of receiving a hand-written or typed letter in the post - it is really special, and I used to rely on such communications when I was a child - to help me get through some things. 

I love that you are enjoying providing someone with a smile or a good vibe - that's really lovely. And like you said, it's just fun as well.  I hope you get more instances of fun and enjoyment in your life.

Wishing you the best.
Hope  :)

Feb 11 2024

The rain came in.  Was 3 days of rain which I'm starting to wonder if I have some kind of thing if I don't get enough sunlight.  I know that sun light triggers things in the brain to create melatonin (sp) and helps with setting circadian rhythm. Not to mention possible having a mood bottom out from the lack of light.  The negative ions were great though.  I'm starting to wonder if a change of location that has a bit more relative humidity would be beneficial.  Ocean would be good.  Not west coast though some parts to expensive and some are to cold.  Maybe the Gulf?  East coast is out as well.  Well maybe the keys.. I like where I'm currently at especially since the loose cannon isn't in the mix any longer but dam- triple digits during the summer gets kinda old ya know?  And dry as someone who is no longer in this realm used to say "drier than a pop-corn f-rt".  I still miss him.  Been many decades and I know that my grief from losing 1st mother is also wrapped up in the grief of losing him. 

The international pen pal thing has kicked off pretty good I think.  This last week I recieved a letter from LatAm and one from the EU.  If the folks that indicated they will be writing actually do then there will be one coming in from down under, and a couple from Africa.  I have sent some to the same and to SE Asia.  Hopefully they will reply.  I'm intentionally being vague because a simple venn diagram depending on the data sets and I'm found IRL. 

@Hope67  If your interested there are private groups on FB for pen pals in analog formats. 

Hi StartingHealing,
I'm glad you're getting some interesting mail from those pen-pals. 
Hope  :)

13 Feb 2024

What an interesting last few days.

More ghosts of events past bubbling up, some happy, some sad, some angry, some just meh.  Taking a page from Sol, I verbally name what the feeling is when these ghosts float through my consciousness.  In lineal time frame the past doesn't exist, the future doesn't either, yet depending on the tradition, the past exists along with the future, of all possible timelines based on quantum theory that says that all possibilities should be expressed, which also makes sense because where is the "push" coming from to keep the universe expanding?  Trying to have understanding in multiple dimensions ... oy vey. 

Much anger at the moment.  It will pass, I'm pretty certain it will.  Nothing remains static, things are always changing, flowing from one state into another state. 

I think I need to eat or have more caffeine.  the tireds caught up to me and I'm having a time of it keeping my peepers open.  One of the pre-requisites of working, employers tend to want you to stay awake during your shift.   

Maybe I'll write more later.

Wishing all here all the best

Wishing you all the best too, StartingHealing. 
Hope  :)

19 Feb 2024

What an interesting few days.  I think I need to seek out information concerning on the development and then clearing of physical symptoms as I heal from all the bu77shit from the loose cannon and the adoptive mother.  Not to mention other situations that have fed into that. 

I get it, the stuffing of emotions will eventually show in physical issues, now though, I'm not in that situation(s) any longer.  Soooooooo, really weird that as I'm healing up and yet the physical symptoms come and go.  I don't know if my google fu is good enough for me to find that info.

Well, time to get back to the school work.

Wishing all her all the best

SH,

I'm right here with you in the struggles. I'm sending you an empathetic hug. :hug: 

I'm glad you shared about how your physical symptoms continue to come and go. I have the same need for understanding the mind/body connection in ways that can help slow those symptoms from returning so often. I hope you find some interesting information in your research that helps.

2-20-24

@PapaCoco,

Seems like my google-fu was decent enough for the task.  Appears that it is very common that physical issues will arise during the healing process.  My understanding is that it's like an onion.  So there is the top level stuff, in my case call it muscular armoring which was what I was doing in an attempt to protect the self from the verbal barrage that would occur. 

Now that situation is gone.  And by the gods, I do not revisit that.  Using the Zen folks approach of "oh that is a thought.  oh that is a memory"  witness but do not engage. yeah?  As my muscular armoring is reducing, there is the corresponding influx of blood, nutrients, oxygen exchange, and that .. well it's like when you sleep on your arm wrong and it goes "dead" then when the blood comes rushing in.  Kind of like that but much slower.  I figure that it's like the defrosting of a food item, outside gets done first but then the heat still has to work it's way through to the middle. 

Being much more limber, but still having knots that haven't thawed yet, and all that muscle tissue is starting to realize that don't need to be armor, but like most things it's not a all at once.  Certain muscle groups are farther along than others.  And then

there is the spontaneous release of emotions.  I got "dust in my eyes" the other day while walking with my doggo.  From, if you can savvy it, a hummingbird that was "singing" in the morning.  Then on Thursday, a bee came to see what was up while I was unloading some groceries from my car.  That dam-ned dust again.  I'm just now starting to realize how much emotion that I stuffed.  Course that isn't that far out there since growing up a hero of mine was Mr. Spock from the original Star Trek.  The whole thing around closed adoption.  One these days I may go off on just how F-ed up that was.  To the person in the role of mother in the 2cd family, I wasn't there because I needed a safe, secure, loving place to be raised in.  I was there to fill her "needs".  I mean seriously, *?  She already had 4 kids.

As the layers keep getting peeled, then how the body expresses it will change.  Currently there is a spot in my upper back that really gets tender.  I've found that belly breathing helps that spot.  Definitely very sensitive to stress hormones.

 This from a former adrenaline junky.  Fast cars, faster bikes, pushing to the edge,  losing it, fix the bike, and try it again.  I reckon that the square inches of skin I have that isn't carrying scar tissue is pretty low. Being out on the open pasture, lose it, and cactus breaking your high speed fall you know.
 Same with bones that haven't been bruised at one time or another.  full contact interaction with life.  It's amazing how much damage a human body can take and still function. 

there is now something going on with my low back.  it feels like I bruised the nerves, yet nothing has happened that would do that.  No bone bruises either.  I have a whole slew of stretches that decompress the back and legs, even down to the tail bone, and while that will limber up my legs so I don't hurt much while walking, if I sit to long, or sit in a manner where my weight isn't forward on my upper thighs, or if I stand to long in one place

sigh   Even with that, I'm still walking my doggo daily.  usually about an hour.  On my days off, we will do up to 2 hours.  I bring H2O with for him and me so no worries.

This to will pass.  And honestly I'm used to waking up sore / hurting.  Growing up on a family farm, there was always something, cow stepping on your foot,  a slip and fall, muscle aches and stiffness from what I did the day before outside the adrenaline rush stuff, cuts, bruises, blisters, getting slammed into a wall because a cow shifted sideways or getting kicked.  Holy Shi-.  I miss it.  Well at the end of the day, you knew what you had done.  there was a sense of actually completing something, and usually a moment or 3 where a body could appreciate the sunset / sunrise, shadow of a cloud chasing over the land, freaking out the jack rabbits :D  Fresh snow that glittered like jewels in the sunlight. 

However, tis annoying in current situation.  My mentor referred me to a person she knows that does energy healing.  the chiropractor hasn't had success in pain reduction for me, even though there for a while I was going 5x a week. 

I have had experienced being on the receiving end of energy healing before and ... wwhhooaaa a good'n will light me up like a Xmas tree.  It's in about a week and 1/2.  This person is that booked which is a good indication.  Took the day from work because according to my mentor this person is top drawer.  Doing some forecasting based off my other experiences, I need the day.

Perhaps, this will clear out all the crapola and then I can start getting back into those spiritual things that I stopped because of the loose canon.  that would be cool.  I miss it.  Sucks with being at odds with yourself.  Not a fun time.

I'll report what the results are from the energy healing.

To sum it all up. yes as one heals from emotional / mental / spiritual abuse the body will express various symptoms at differing times along the healing path.  Some can be from the secondary / tertiary / quaternary issues that were created from the primary expression of the body doing what it could to protect you.  kinda like how the thinking meat did the same.  Nutrition is way way important.  Like mission critical because as the whole heals, the body is going to need certain minerals / vitamins / herbs / amino acids to assist the recovery.  Non-GMO / Organic while better than conventional still doesn't contain the level of nutrition required for the body to do that miracle of restoration. 

Wishing all here, all the best 

StartingHealing,

I hope the best for your energy healing. I know it can do wonders. And about nutrition: I struggle with that. My digestion is so badly damaged that when I clean up and eat all the right foods, I actually suffer serious digestive issues. when I try to learn about ways to eat healthy, I find millions of opposing opinions about what eating healthy even means.

But I believe you are correct. Back when I dould process apple fiber, corn, soy, almonds, fresh vegetables, etc, I slept better. Now that I have to eat milder foods, and I have to carb up with bad carbs if I want digestion to even work, I don't sleep anymore.

I had a bout with a tooth infection in January. I went on antibiotics, which completely tore my digestive system to shreds. Friends talked me into trying a cup of Kifer and a few spoonfuls of fresh sauerkraut each day and by golly, those are helpful. I've recovered from the antibiotics, and have gotten a bit better with my digestion. I'm able to eat a fresh salad every day now...Heavy on the word Fresh. If the veggies are even slightly near the edge of fresh, I go into a bad place stomach and intestinally. So, for me, eating properly is a learning process that I have to take on, but I have to be careful. What is healthy for others isn't so for me. But I'll work it. Nobody is going to fix this for me, I have to fix it myself.

Your post has encouraged me to go down into the kitchen right now and cut up some fresh veggies for a mid-day snack. 

Hi StartingHealing,

I resonate with the muscle armouring and think I have quite a fair bit of that. The book I've been reading lately, Healing Developmental Trauma and The Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma, touch on this (no pun intended), and discuss Neuroaffective Touch to help with those suppressed emotions. I'm noticing a lot more body stuff come up as well as I go through the book. I hope your energyy healing is able to help you with that.

Sending you support,
dolly

Quote from: Papa Coco on February 21, 2024, 10:16:47 PMStartingHealing,

I hope the best for your energy healing.Thank you I know it can do wonders. And about nutrition: I struggle with that. My digestion is so badly damaged that when I clean up and eat all the right foods, I actually suffer serious digestive issues. when I try to learn about ways to eat healthy, I find millions of opposing opinions about what eating healthy even means. Oh indeed.  there is so much BS because it's adjacent to the diet industry.  What I do is get a list of supplements, herbs, etc.  and then do my own research.  I do a huge amount of correlation. I also do research outside of FDA and manufacturer "supposed" studies which here in the USA they are allowed to cherry pick what data to report.  yeah.   :pissed:   Then I cross reference and then see if there are any contra indications for anything.  I don't want any unwanted effects.

But I believe you are correct. Back when I could process apple fiber, corn, soy, almonds, fresh vegetables, etc, I slept better. Now that I have to eat milder foods, and I have to carb up with bad carbs if I want digestion to even work, I don't sleep anymore.  Sleep is a very important thing. That sucks. You are doing organic on everything right?  I have enough data that strongly indicates that GMO's or 'bio-engineered' are not good for any dam- thing.  Corn, soy, and wheat are usually GMO now.  Some apples are GMO. When will the idiots learn?  don't F with things. 

I had a bout with a tooth infection in January.Have you looked into colloidal silver?  You can make it at home.  let me know and I can give you all the skinny. What's good with CS is that it only affects gram negative critters which is typically the ones that are not good for us humans. Not to mention there is NO reported deaths associated with it. It helps with nerve function as well  I went on antibiotics, which completely tore my digestive system to shreds. Friends talked me into trying a cup of Kifer and a few spoonfuls of fresh sauerkraut each day and by golly, those are helpful. Probiotics are major important.  That is a good thing you are doing there.  There are certain strains that actually increase dopamine and serotonin. And some that help with the digestion of fiber.   I've recovered from the antibiotics, and have gotten a bit better with my digestion. I'm able to eat a fresh salad every day now...Heavy on the word Fresh. Indeed, I prefer farmers markets. Shoot if you think about it the produce in the typical grocery store is anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 months and picked green.  If the veggies are even slightly near the edge of fresh, I go into a bad place stomach and intestinally. So, for me, eating properly is a learning process that I have to take on, but I have to be careful. What is healthy for others isn't so for me. But I'll work it. Nobody is going to fix this for me, I have to fix it myself. I know that at times it seems overwhelming but it's also something that we need to do instead of outsourcing our health to the cult of the white lab coats.  What pushed me there was I got a sinus infection that was antibiotic resistant. After 60 days..  I cleared that with CS, herbs, etc.

Your post has encouraged me to go down into the kitchen right now and cut up some fresh veggies for a mid-day snack.

 http://orthomolecular.org/ is a good resource.  I also use a pendulum to confirm and also to indicate how much of what of my stack I take a day and when.  So far batting 100.

Quote from: dollyvee on February 22, 2024, 08:22:39 AMHi StartingHealing,

I resonate with the muscle armouring and think I have quite a fair bit of that. The book I've been reading lately, Healing Developmental Trauma and The Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma, touch on this (no pun intended), and discuss Neuroaffective Touch to help with those suppressed emotions. I'm noticing a lot more body stuff come up as well as I go through the book. I hope your energyy healing is able to help you with that.

Sending you support,
dolly

Dolly, it's amazing on how much more flexible I am even without a consistent stretching regime.  I think that is part of it is that tendons, ligaments, bones, muscles are all getting more oxygen and nutrients.  I'm trying to feel my way instead of thinking my way out of it.  Was in my head for so many years, then figure that I need to have a different mind set to get out of something.  You know? 

Thank you for the support.

SH,

Wow. Thanks for the feedback. I'm going look into some of these suggestions of yours. I need to adjust my vitamins now anyway. Good time to research which ones will help me the most.

Your tenacity is impressive. There are far more scams out there then help. Being driven to researching all of it is a really good tactic.

Your research is motivating me to take diet more seriously.

Quote from: Papa Coco on February 24, 2024, 06:02:43 PMSH,

Wow. Thanks for the feedback. I'm going look into some of these suggestions of yours. I need to adjust my vitamins now anyway. Good time to research which ones will help me the most.  For me the first thing I did was throw out the RDA.  Those levels are not for optimal health.  Rather they are the absolute minimum required to keep any nutritional based diseases at bay. It also doesn't take into account the chemical loading, heavy metals, hormone disruption compounds etc. Here is something I do on the regular. According to the cult of the white lab coats this is toxic as he77.  If I'm starting to feel "under the weather" a cold lets say, I take 1000mg of vitamin C a hour every hour while awake. Next day I'm good. I limit the oral vit c to that so I don't have gastric upset.  it's a water soluble substance, so why is it harmful? Oh yeah, we can go down a rabbit hole here. Like how Rockefeller took over the medical establishment and pushed allopathic medicine which now you are seeing the results of that.  Did you know that generally speaking MD's only get about 2 weeks of nutritional training out of the entirety of their medical training? The current medical establishment does not like vitamins / minerals / herbs because they say that it's not "scientific" AKA 1 molecule for 1 disease. When the nothing else in nature follows that paradigm. PC, Fair warning. As you learn, you will get to a point where you will be disgusted. CS is one example, another is there was a fella out of Canada that was showing folks how to cure skin cancer through their own efforts and they ran him out of the country basically or he was going to face the rest of his life in jail. No lie. (phoenixtears.ca) There was Rife that had proof that if you can match the fundamental vibration of a pathogen you can neutralize it. Including cancer. He had great success and the powers that be trumped up charges on him, destroyed his research, slapped him in jail. Destroyed his life.  Or what about stem cell therapy where your own cells are used for it? Watch the Joe Rogan episode with Mel Gibson. Freaking eye opening.  Still under review according to the FDA. Hmmmm kinda makes you wonder about things doesn't it?  Then there is bob becker (https://www.bobbeck.com/) Which led me to colloidal silver. Or what about this: folks with non-responsive to medication depression. Run them through a MRI. Depression lifts for up to a year. Who knew that a rapidly changing intensely stong magnetic field would have that effect?   What we call alzheimer's is actually type 3 diabetes, at least in the rest of the world. yeah. What about chiropractors? They have to do a full medical program and then get to go learn how to be a chiropractor. Like what?   And I'm supposed to believe that the cult of the white lab coat has my best interest at heart?  That there isn't a profit motive behind it? Yeeeahhhh, suuurrreee. And I have ocean front property in Arizona for sale, cheap! Last time I went to a western medical person, I was having issues with a knee. Sore, hurt, etc. Didn't even glove up to touch it. First thing was "you have gout". I asked how I could have gout? I don't have any other symptoms, then the indoctrinated person got all huffy. Finally asked about my diet, my activities, drinking, etc. And then gloved up to see what was physically going on with my knee.  Gee, surprise I didn't have gout, I stressed the ligaments / tendons. And a 10 minutes meeting set me back over $100 and that was 5? 6? years ago.      Emergency medicine is the only place that in my opinion they are actually decent. Even then though, it's sketchy at best. Had an automobile accident. took about 250 stitches to put my face back together including the ones that weren't visible. They also left automotive glass in there as well. The glass finally worked it's way out to a point where I could make a small incision and get a pair of hemostats on it to pull it out.  To this day there is a scar by my nose that if I start getting under the weather will become inflamed and it will follow the scar heading up to my right eye socket. The scar is better now, after 30 some years yet it is still visible. Shortly before that I opened up a thumb to the bone. Local mobile vet was by and my Dad asked if he could do anything. The vet stitched that thumb up to where now there is just a line on my thumb. Unless a person looks really close a body can't tell if it was ever damaged. Somebody explain to me how a vet has better skill? 


Your tenacity is impressive. There are far more scams out there then help. Being driven to researching all of it is a really good tactic.   Thank you. Personally it pisses me off that these folks are empowered to keep people, animals, in a state of illness for profit. I'm living proof that if you provide what the body needs, it will recover. Chiropractors have put me back together more times than I want to remember. After the bout of a sinus infection that still wasn't clear after 60 days? And that was after having the surgery to open up the nasal passageways, polyp removal and so on? yeah, kinda got a wee bit scared. At the time I had a wee one I need to get growed up. And this was way way before learning about mind body connection. Jumped into the so called alternative medicine field and haven't looked back. It's only been recently that I have come across how the powers that be are manipulating the entire system for their financial gain.

Your research is motivating me to take diet more seriously.  I don't know where I ran across it, it was a quote or something, the gist is that you need to be the resident expert on you. All aspects of you. throw out the food pyramid that is totally bass ackwards, remember that this was created in order to keep people ill or to promote illness. Take a look into not only the growing methods but also how the grains are processed now.  Seriously when catsup is considered a fruit? Dig up the documentary called "That Sugar Film" they still believe that cholesterol is "bad", other than that though, lots of good info in there on how the sugar industry made "science" to prove that sugar was good and fat was bad. Yep. And that was in the 50's. Or how a person could get "to much protein" or how the food dyes are perfectly fine. I used to know a guy whose kids were labeled hyper active. He removed all food dyes from their diet. The hyper active went away. Who knew? Same bunch also made science to prove that a calorie is a calorie is a calorie. Not to the human body it's not. One calorie from a carrot is digested totally different that 1 calorie from refined sugar as 1 calorie from fish is digested differently. Just found out about this as well, unless it's organic cane sugar the sugar in the USA comes from GMO sugar beets. Unfortunately, the food cartel is in cahoots with the medical cartel which is also in cahoots with the pharma cartel.  Start tracking who is on the boards of these corporations. That is all public knowledge.  Here is a link to an article that has a sobering info-graphic of which mega corporation owns what food brands.  https://www.good.is/Business/food-brands-owners-rp 

PC it seems to be overwhelming.  It's not.  As your internal database grows then it becomes a logistic problem. Is there folks in my area that have a CSA farm? How do they grow the produce?  Or is there folks in my area that follow the slow food method?  (https://www.slowfood.com/) Who has chickens that sells eggs in my area? What feed do they provide the chickens?  Is there a dairy that sells raw milk? it was cloudy and overcast for the last few days, I'm not feeling my best, maybe a seasonal affective disorder lamp would help me? I'm really wanting to eat X right now, what's in X that I may be lacking at this time?  I used xyz cleaner a few days ago and now I feel like crap, Is there a cleaner that doesn't have the chemicals that works as good?  I skipped communing with spirit because of X and now I'm off my square.  Piece by piece you will build that relational 3d database and it will become second nature to you. If you stop and think about it, humans have been doing this kind of thing for eons.  Until there is enough of us, voting with our dollars, these mega corps are not going to change their actions.  it's going to take something like a Bud Light boycott for them to finally realize that it's not business as usual.

I would add that your SO needs to look at what is in makeup and personal care products. There is some seriously toxic crap that the USA based manufacturers put in there. Formaldehyde, mercury, lead, coal tar, asbestos, aluminum, certain parabens which are a hormone disruptor, and this goes for you as well.  Not that I'm a fan of socialist countries, I do think they are doing some good by banning known toxins from being used / allowed to be imported.  https://echa.europa.eu/substances-restricted-under-reach

One class I did take that has been very good in helping me slog through all the hype / marketing / etc. was critical thinking.  Here is the website for the organization that they used for the course work. https://www.criticalthinking.org/ 


I wish you all the best

24 Feb 2024

I am attempting to be as objective as possible with this.  I admit that it's only based off my own lived experience yet what else is there to go by?  Someone's opinion of me where they could be projecting their own BS on to me? 

I've been thinking about assumptions.  Seriously, what assumptions are in place with well... everything?  Specifically though in the realm of mental health.  What are the meme's?  What is the mind viri that have been intentionally (or otherwise) introduced into society and myself, that flat do not get questioned?  Knowing about mind body interface, would it be logical to consider that the experiences I am having are due in part to the beliefs that I have concerning certain aspects of my life? 

I don't know where I read it, however, there was a study of older gents, I think it was in the U.K., they checked muscle mass, strength, memory, blood work including hormone panel, etc.  Then gents were placed into a controlled environment where there were no mirrors, the food, t.v. shows, clothes, music was all from when they were in their late teens early twenty's and son of a gun, at two weeks take a wild guess of where their stats were in two weeks?  All stats were showing that somehow they were younger. They checked everything again in another 2 weeks and the science was showing even younger!    Then the gents went home and in two weeks their numbers were back to where they were before the experiment. Or the experiment where college athletes were instructed to visualize weight training for 2 weeks.  Again, muscle mass, strength, etc was measured. The people that visualized the weight training still saw 13-15% increase in muscle mass and strength also went up.  To me this shows just how much mind influences the physical. 

Maybe, just maybe the assumption that xyz negative event is a lifelong sentence is something that is made to happen?  For example, I've noticed that I have a belief that my spelling sub unit isn't optimal. However, during the times where I can achieve flow state and I'm doing without thinking then my spelling is exceptionally good.  Which is it?  Is my spelling sub-par or is that something that got instilled in me from someone that I perceived as being in a position of authority and it's not actually true since I do have evidence to the contrary?  Could it be that my beliefs have the effect of a self-fulling prophecy? 

Then that leads me to question how much of my daily experience is based on beliefs, expectations, that were implanted (other peoples voices) and I have not questioned them until recently?  From there then extrapolate into society.  What beliefs, expectations, exist that I have accepted as "truth" when that is the farthest thing from truth. Is this one of reasons why re-framing is such a powerful technique in the mental health field? That what we see, what we experience is not 100% "out there" rather it's filtered through the expectations, beliefs, emotions that are operating at a sub-conscious level just outside of awareness?

I know that the various cults (medical, pharma, etc) that are out there do not have my highest and best in mind.  They are only looking at how much financially they can extract from me until I am no longer in this realm.  I am not speaking to a specific individual, rather as a group the effect is that they do not care, even though the message that they promote is the exact opposite. 

What about the assumption that because someone has undergone a certain training regimen that makes that individual competent in that space?  Thinking back to when I was an instructor at a vocational school, there were people that graduated that didn't have what it took to be competent in the field.  If the same percentage holds true across all types of training regimens then there sure are quite a few folks out there that have no business being in their field.  Not saying that they are bad people.  What I am saying is that based on a holistic overview they would be better served in a different vocation.  Unfortunately, some of these folks end up in places where they can do more harm than good until a situation develops where they are forced out of that vocation due to market pressures including legal action.

To think that our society now is somehow more "advanced" more objective than prior civilizations is sorely mistaken.  We are basically the same people that were around during the crusades (all 7 of them) during the Spanish Inquisition, the burning times in Europe in which certain villages had to import women because they put to death the other ones because of "witchcraft".  We have better toys is all and we can kill each other at an industrial scale without resorting to biological, chemical or nuclear weaponry.

I'm still not complete in my assessing assumptions either at a personal or a societal level yet.  I do believe however that it's well worth the effort to map or at least become aware of what has been imposed upon me and what is organically from myself that has arisen from lived experience.

Wishing all here all the best. 

StartingHealing,

I agree with so much of what you say. My primary care physician is a Naturopath. She usually gets me fixed up before having to send me to any pharmaceuticals or western medical professionals. She advises on diet and energy movement (Massage, exercise, acupuncture, etc) first, then resorts to medication only when needed. Which is very, very rare in my case.

I see chiropractors, I get regular 90 minute massages from a very spiritually minded therapist. My talk therapist is more spiritual than any I've met.

I got a lot of good information from Gary Zukav's The Seat of the Soul. I listen to it on Audio all the time. Over and over. His chapters on how we create the reality that we live in have helped me tremendously. He cites that people who begin to resonate with the reverence of spiritual reality, automatically start learning to eat a better diet because we start to recognize the harm being done by the sugars and additives of the fast-and-easy foods in cans and boxes.

The response you gave me yesterday seemed only a bit overwhelming. I did have some knowledge of much of what you said. For me, it's about putting it all back into practice. I've been delving into the bad diet world for a couple of years now. I need to get back on board with what is good for me.  Your responses are motivational.

About that comment you made; What about the assumption that because someone has undergone a certain training regimen that makes that individual competent in that space?  I have a favorite joke I tell when I'm dealing with someone whose competency for the job they're in is in question: Q) What do you call the person who graduates at the bottom of their doctorate class? A): Doctor.

Quote from: Papa Coco on February 25, 2024, 10:46:42 PMStartingHealing,

I agree with so much of what you say. My primary care physician is a Naturopath.Nice!  She usually gets me fixed up before having to send me to any pharmaceuticals or western medical professionals.Well done good sir. Well done.  She advises on diet and energy movement (Massage, exercise, acupuncture, etc) first, then resorts to medication only when needed. Which is very, very rare in my case.  With all the thrice misbegotten side effects of pharmaceuticals, and having the FDA basically rubber stamp "medications",  you know it's interesting that the folks in Pharma DO NOT take the Hippocratic oath. First do no harm. Same with the oil cartel. Something happened in the 70's-80's.  Used to be that Wall Street reflected main street and that went away during that time period. 

I see chiropractors, I get regular 90 minute massages from a very spiritually minded therapist. My talk therapist is more spiritual than any I've met.  I personally think that Spirit is the basis that everything should be based off of.

I got a lot of good information from Gary Zukav's The Seat of the Soul. I listen to it on Audio all the time. Over and over. His chapters on how we create the reality that we live in have helped me tremendously. He cites that people who begin to resonate with the reverence of spiritual reality, automatically start learning to eat a better diet because we start to recognize the harm being done by the sugars and additives of the fast-and-easy foods in cans and boxes. My hope is that the change that is happening stays non-kinetic.  Unfortunately, certain powers that be won't see which way the wind is blowing and at that point, things will happen.

The response you gave me yesterday seemed only a bit overwhelming. I did have some knowledge of much of what you said. For me, it's about putting it all back into practice. I've been delving into the bad diet world for a couple of years now. I need to get back on board with what is good for me.  Your responses are motivational.
thank you PC for your kind words. Trust me I get it.  At first blush it does seem overwhelming.  That is by design. For me the 5th column concept works. Behind enemy lines and working on getting the intel to not only save myself but others as well.

About that comment you made; What about the assumption that because someone has undergone a certain training regimen that makes that individual competent in that space?  I have a favorite joke I tell when I'm dealing with someone whose competency for the job they're in is in question: Q) What do you call the person who graduates at the bottom of their doctorate class? A): Doctor.   Here's a funny for you.  Breakdown the term "expert"  What is a ex?  Someone in the past right?  What is a pert?  a drip of liquid expelled under pressure. Even at a PHD level, are people thinking?  Critical thinking? Or are they becoming more indoctrinated?  What assumptions are there in the material that they are learning? 

Report on my Reiki appointment yesterday.

Overall a very good experience.  I'm still in the process of integration.  My energy systems got moved around, cleaned out and stuck emotions were released.  The physical is adjusting and that may take s while.  I don't really know what to put in this post.  There was also sound based aspects that was used to change up the flow of energy.

going forward I may come back and revisit in the future.

Wishing all here all the best

I'm glad your Reiki appointment went well, and I am using your post as a reminder that Reiki has a place in healing.

I'm glad you brought Reiki into your journal so I could remember that it is an option for me today. I do Reiki on my wife often, but I never ask anyone to do it for me in return.

I'm a believer. I have the hands for it. In the 1990s I got certified to practice, but I didn't do anything with the certification. A few people have recently told me I should start practicing it again.

In the early 1990s I got the chance to meet Dr. Wayne Dyer while he was publishing his 20th book. During the handshake, I felt a powerful energy force of peace leave his hand, enter mine, and begin to soak up my arm like a wick. Honestly. The peace I felt in his touch was massively powerful. He had to forcibly end the handshake by tugging until I let go. I told Coco of my experience. She said she feels that in my touch all the time. I had never known that. I then learned the word "Reiki" and became certified. I practiced it for a while without ever asking for money. Eventually I forgot about it. Now you're reminding me that there might be some very good healing to be had if I were to get back into it as both a patient and a practitioner. Usually, when I'm giving Reiki, I'm receiving as much peace as I'm giving out. It's more of a two-way energetic connection. I give while I get.

Thank you for openly using the word in your post. You've shared something from your life that I can use in my own life too.

PapaCoco, it is my understanding that as the Reiki energy is flowing through a person for healing, that energy is also seeping into the person that is moving it.  I was also told that Reiki is the breath of the Universe and that it can never be negative. 

Comparing my most recent experience to the next most recent experience, the effects are different.  Not that one was better or worse just different.  The next most recent one I was lit up like a Xmas tree.  After it was done it took me close to 2 hours before I could gather myself together enough to drive. Took chocolate, lots of chocolate, water, and a couple of cups of black tea until I felt like I was safe to drive.  Considering that I have been operating equipment of various types since I was big enough to reach the clutch pedal. Tractors, farm trucks, cars, pickups, dump trucks, motorcycles, ATV's name it.  So that was a big deal you know?  The next day I was back on my square.

This most recent one, there was about 20 minutes after and I felt like I could drive. However was definitely off my square.  It took until this AM for me to feel like I was back on it.  I'm definitely in a better space today as yesterday I was ... disconnected?  In a different zone?  Awareness had been altered?  Definite shift. 

I'll have to see how this plays out over time. 

Short term I have definitely noticed a definite re-ignition of my connection / interest in all things spiritual.

Been a while, long while since I danced from the joy of being alive.  Did a jig this morning. :)

Wishing all here all the best

You have found a really open reiki practitioner. I don't think I've ever experienced a session so powerful. That's awesome!

The two most memorable reiki experiences of mine were both when I was the practitioner.

The first one was when I was 34, and still identifying as a Christian. It was the first time I'd ever experienced Reiki. It was before I knew what it was. My wife went to bed early. I stayed up and watched a TV show. I came to bed and spooned up behind her. I laid my arm over her side and rested my hand on her tummy. At that very instance, my stomach went into nausea and my head started to throb and I immediately fell asleep. The next morning, she said to me, "The weirdest thing happened last night. When you laid your hand on my stomach, my nausea went away, my headache stopped, and I fell asleep." I was floored. I made a meeting with my pastor. When I told him the story I'd just told you, he panicked and shouted, "DON'T WORRY! Maybe it'll never happen again!" I realized then that I'd reached out to my last Christian pastor. He couldn't accept that the miracles he preached about might actually be true. Like most I'd met, his words were hollow. He didn't believe what he preached. That was one of the last straws that finally got me to stop looking for a church to belong to. I told another friend what had happened, and she introduced me to the term "reiki". From there I went out and got certified to do it more, but have only used my hands on friends, family, and anyone who asks as a favor.  Still, I've never had a flow as intense as the ones you are talking about that keep you from driving vehicles for hours. 

My other memorable example was when I was visiting with friends. One friend's 28-year-old son was struggling with not feeling terrific. He asked me to put my hands on his back. He sat on the floor in front of my chair and I just put both hands on the center of his back. I usually feel a need to move the hands to where the pain is, but in this rare case, I spent a full hour holding my hands in one spot, never feeling an urge to move them. During the entire hour, I felt more peace than I've ever felt before or since. The peace was otherworldly. When he finally got up he said he'd felt it too. My one son, 11 years old at the time, was with me. In the car on the way home, he said "I have the feeling something bad is going to happen to Brian." Two weeks later, Brian was sleeping on his dad's couch. At 2 am his dad heard him calling, "DAD! I need you!" When his dad entered the room, a massive peace flooded him too. His son was sitting up. "Dad, there are a whole bunch of people here and they want me to go with them." Dad sad on the couch and said, "I'd rather you stay here with me." The son laid his head on his dad's lap and died. The Aid car came. One of the firemen said "Wow. This room is really peaceful." An autopsy showed Brian to have had full blown leukemia. But the family had no medical insurance, so the doctors had, instead, been telling him he had a cold.

The energy is real. I agree with you that it's flow. The first few months of trying to give reiki to others were difficult for me because I kept getting sick. Whatever they had, it went into me. During the reiki classes, I learned that to keep the affliction from coming into me, I had to be very conscious of the fact that it was not my energy doing the work, but that I'm only a pipeline. I need to stay connected with the bigger spiritual picture. That way, when I and another are connected through touch, that I'm not absorbing their energy, but letting it pass through and out. Now, reiki energizes me while it calms the recipient.

Anyway, I need to find a reiki master like yours! I need to find a way to get my own energy to flowing again.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with it. I'm excited to start diving into that world again. It's obviously got benefit that I'd forgotten about until now.

Quote from: Papa Coco on March 08, 2024, 07:11:27 PMYou have found a really open reiki practitioner. I don't think I've ever experienced a session so powerful. That's awesome!  I've had some where it was ... meh as far as physical reactions to it. Like all things Spirit, it always comes differently.  If that makes any sense.  Then again, I am a energy sensitive which I am now finally accepting and working on getting a handle on it. 

The two most memorable reiki experiences of mine were both when I was the practitioner.

The first one was when I was 34, and still identifying as a Christian. It was the first time I'd ever experienced Reiki. It was before I knew what it was. My wife went to bed early. I stayed up and watched a TV show. I came to bed and spooned up behind her. I laid my arm over her side and rested my hand on her tummy. At that very instance, my stomach went into nausea and my head started to throb and I immediately fell asleep. The next morning, she said to me, "The weirdest thing happened last night. When you laid your hand on my stomach, my nausea went away, my headache stopped, and I fell asleep." I was floored.   You got lit up without the attunment! Cool!  :bigwink:  I made a meeting with my pastor.   Those folks  :doh:  When I told him the story I'd just told you, he panicked and shouted, "DON'T WORRY! Maybe it'll never happen again!" I realized then that I'd reached out to my last Christian pastor. He couldn't accept that the miracles he preached about might actually be true. Like most I'd met, his words were hollow. He didn't believe what he preached. That was one of the last straws that finally got me to stop looking for a church to belong to.     It messes with their world view.  Most xtain pastors are there because of egoic things not because the holy ghost reached out and slapped them silly.  I've always had an issue because of the whole babies go to * because of original sin. Or where did Cain get a wife?  Why is the god in the bible bi-polar? Old Testament vengeance, kill everybody, New Testament everything is happy happy joy joy, all is love. Did god finally get on meds?  Spiritually makes no dam- sense. And that was before I learned about converting people at the point of a sword.  Then the whole zombie thing, wrong dates for things, not to mention the council of Nicea was a political hack done by Constantine.  I told another friend what had happened, and she introduced me to the term "reiki". From there I went out and got certified to do it more, but have only used my hands on friends, family, and anyone who asks as a favor.  Still, I've never had a flow as intense as the ones you are talking about that keep you from driving vehicles for hours.     Way before I went through reiki training I could "pull" for the lack of a better term, pain, swelling, etc from others.  After a while it got to a point where I stopped doing it consciously because I didn't know how to observe without absorbing.  That came many years later in my reiki training.  Here's a question for you.  Do electronics work for you?  futz with a flat screen or whatever it is electronic and it didn't work before and because you futzed with it now it works?  Next question do you magnetize items that you commonly wear?  Have you ever picked up a "vibe" that something is cockaloop before you open a door?  See another human?  You may want to consider that you may be a energy sensitive.  

My other memorable example was when I was visiting with friends. One friend's 28-year-old son was struggling with not feeling terrific. He asked me to put my hands on his back. He sat on the floor in front of my chair and I just put both hands on the center of his back. I usually feel a need to move the hands to where the pain is, but in this rare case, I spent a full hour holding my hands in one spot, never feeling an urge to move them. During the entire hour, I felt more peace than I've ever felt before or since. The peace was otherworldly.   The peace of the other side.  I felt that before.  During my shamanic training I was instructed to go to the gates of the next realm.  Being in front of them, so peaceful, so soothing.  Then a guide that had shown up in the form of a pixie asked me if I wanted to sneak a peek.  Of course I said yes and the doors were opened and I saw the summerlands.  My teacher was very smart because before doing this I had to sign a contract stating that I would return.  I figured out real quick why.  If it hadn't been for that contract I would have crossed that threshold.  At the time the only thing holding me into this realm was habit and that contract.  Sometimes I wonder if I had gone through if I would have been fast tracked to the staging area to come back to this realm.  When he finally got up he said he'd felt it too. My one son, 11 years old at the time, was with me. In the car on the way home, he said "I have the feeling something bad is going to happen to Brian."    Spiritual abilities does follow genetic lines. That's a total spirit thing right there.  Two weeks later, Brian was sleeping on his dad's couch. At 2 am his dad heard him calling, "DAD! I need you!" When his dad entered the room, a massive peace flooded him too. His son was sitting up. "Dad, there are a whole bunch of people here and they want me to go with them." Dad sad on the couch and said, "I'd rather you stay here with me." The son laid his head on his dad's lap and died.   You good sir, provided Brian and his family such a huge gift. Your actions allowed the peace and love of the other side to come into that place at that time. Which removed fear. It's still saddening.  The Aid car came. One of the firemen said "Wow. This room is really peaceful." An autopsy showed Brian to have had full blown leukemia. But the family had no medical insurance, so the doctors had, instead, been telling him he had a cold.   I don't know how to feel about the so called medical professionals covering up that because of "insurance"?  Censoring at least would be appropriate for them. 

The energy is real. I agree with you that it's flow. The first few months of trying to give reiki to others were difficult for me because I kept getting sick. Whatever they had, it went into me. During the reiki classes, I learned that to keep the affliction from coming into me, I had to be very conscious of the fact that it was not my energy doing the work, but that I'm only a pipeline.  the hollow bone, the hollow reed,  I need to stay connected with the bigger spiritual picture. That way, when I and another are connected through touch, that I'm not absorbing their energy, but letting it pass through and out. Now, reiki energizes me while it calms the recipient.   A note from when I learned it, you can use it on yourself.  My teacher actively instructed me to give myself a treatment for at least an hour a day and that the energy follows intention. Even if I only have a few minutes, I can still treat myself and set the intention that the energy flows until the healing needed at the time is achieved.  Being a sensitive, you may want to look into energy clearing. It's where you scoop out the not good energy and then "shoot" reiki into the hole that is left from the removal of the not good.  The not good goes to sweet mother earth to be processed and transformed into positive energy. Some folks use their left hand to scoop, and right hand to shoot, some use a feather, some (who are really good at energy flow) blast it into the energy field and push the not good out.  I figure whatever works for a person you know?  The other thing is you can also do reiki at distance. Across the country or across the world. Makes no never mind. That may be a way for you to not have to touch until the crap is cleared.   

Anyway, I need to find a reiki master like yours! I need to find a way to get my own energy to flowing again.   I sent you a boost.  The other thing is ask your reiki teacher to treat you.  My mentor referred me to the person that did my most recent and I'm still noticing that things are becoming uncorked and my palm chakras are lighting up again. Been many a year since that has happened. I physically feel the energy coming out of them and the temperature feels warmer than the surrounding tissue is what I mean when I say they are lighting up. I'm fairly certain that there is a method that could measure the energetic potential compared to baseline. Well shoot, when they can detect an electron phasing out of material existence into the quantum foam, and bio-photons that humans produce have been recorded, for me having "proof" as far as verification of personal experiences, adds more to the pile of "I am perfectly sane. Not my fault you can not see, hear, feel, taste, smell what I do.  Go live your mundane life and leave me alone. "  Yeah, speaking to the adoptive family. that's another aspect, I was taught that you can send reiki into the lineal past and future if you wish.  Time does not exist in a lineal fashion over there so why not? The way it was explained to me is that the events will still happen.  However the not good from that event is reduced. The lessons still occur.  With what I know of quantum theory, that makes sense. Our senses give us the impression that things happen lineally, where in the quantum world, the results can occur before the cause. And so far there isn't a limit on when either happen in lineal time. that means actions taken now can and do influence the past, scary but cool at the same time.   Something I need to do more of is sending reiki to myself in what I perceive to be the past. 

Thanks for sharing your experiences with it. I'm excited to start diving into that world again. It's obviously got benefit that I'd forgotten about until now.

You are welcome.  As the saying goes, iron sharpens iron.  You have helped me greatly with this.  It has allowed me to connect dots that I haven't before that makes energetic and spiritual sense to me. 

Wishing you all the best PC

18 march 2024

Been a while since I have been here.  Energetically things are still moving around, lots of old sh-te coming up for me to drop.

Realized that I have been pissed / angry at various things through my experience up to this point.  Being adopted.. sigh, as Cipher said in the matrix movie " What a mind job ". 

I'm still hopeful that my innate survivor-ness is kicking in.  I've been through experiences where that part of this me that exists at this time, has come up and kept me going when at the time, in the midst of that experience, it kept my addiction to breathing going.  Even during events more than likely I shouldn't be here in this realm any more. 

You know, trying to feel my way out of this mess is, at times, a P.I.T.A. (pain in the a-s)

Gotta get going here.  there was a person that decided that they would be better off being somewhere else for work.  There is going to be some re-config for a while.

Peace to all the brave souls here.

21 March 2024

Lots of older sh-te coming up.  Weird mix of time frames, some from way back - some from more recent.  It appears that the thread that connects is the emotional content.   Makes sense to me anyway.  Patterns that were set in motion back when I was a wee one, and culminated with the former spouse.   

I feel off kilter as well as I am attempting to find my bearings in the society that I find myself becoming aware of.  Like what the h-ll? 

Honestly, it's really freaking scary.  This feeling of being off kilter is a driver for my desire to go live in a area that isn't as "developed"? Maybe it's the attempt to find an area that is more like the society that I remember from when I was growing up? 

Need to go. 

Wishing all here all the best.   

22 March 2024

Strange how a something can boost my mood.  I'm a member of several pen pal groups and yesterday I received a letter from a new pen pal yesterday.  It's amazing to me how much squiggles on a piece of paper can convey so much.  Then when I consider the time factor involved with writing something by hand, postage, the time it took to travel half way round the globe, it's a fricken commitment!  I have found much enjoyment in sending and receiving handwritten and / or manually typed letters domestically and internationally.  The feedback from others has been very positive.  I realize that they have their own lives and that being a pen pal is an "add on" so there is always the possibility that "life happens" with myself or them.  I have started a filing cabinet with file folders to store the letters that I have received. 

I've come to realize that many of us are seeking connection with another.  The window dressings are different, different language, different cultures, different foods, and yet to me at this moment, there is a need for some sort of beneficial connection with another member of our species.  It makes me question if all this digital sh-te is really bringing people 'together' as the social media has claimed or if all the digital crapola has pushed us humans farther apart?  Allowing those humans that are toxic more "room" to use and abuse those who are not toxic? 

More 'old' junk has been coming up as well.  Even with using reiki on myself (I have been attuned) it seems that the old crap definitely is making it's self known on the way out. I've been doing a new approach to when the little green f-ers in my mind brings up the past is to notice the memory, bless it, and then state aloud, "OK, now get out of my head.  That was then this is now.  I carry the lessons forward."  It seems to be beneficial.  One thing that I have noticed is the memories that come from the sense of smell are powerful.  In my area there are plant species that are in bloom and while not all memories brought up are of a negative nature, many are. 

I had a chiropractic appointment today.  Mercy what a ordeal. The muscles were used to having them bones in a certain position and with the adjustment they are definitely letting me know of their displeasure.  I wonder how us humans did without chiropractic?  Perhaps that is the impetus in Asia for the walking on the back and various massage techniques.  Considering that modern humans were around since 250-300K years ago, something happened as far as civilization and the healing arts. 

I am currently feeling like I could sleep.  I will eat and see if that is the problem, yet I do not feel the typical messages of hunger.  If that doesn't alleviate my sleepy, I do believe that I will hit the rack.   

Wishing all here all the best

Hi StartingHealing,
It's lovely that you received such a nice letter yesterday from your pen-pal. 

I hope that your muscles readjust to the new allignments of your body, after your chiropractic appointment.  I hope you enjoy some restful sleep as well - if indeed you have hit the rack.

I found it interesting to read what you wrote about hand-written letters.  I have found that I process more if I hand-write something, than if I type it.  Hence I do use hand-written notes and writings to complement things I write digitally.

Wishing you the best,
Hope  :)

3-26-2024
Thank you Hope. 

unsurprisingly the pen pal letters are a very large bright spot in my daily experience at the moment.  The time commitment, the thought, man, what gifts. 

Going through another round of shi-e removal.  Emotions are running high, perhaps due to the full moon?  Or I am ready to release another pile of garbage?  Or "D" all the above? Certain snippets of a song, a turn of phrase unintentionally overheard, a smell, déjà vu instances, and all of that starts the memories that want to leak out of my eyes or memories that stirs anger within.  I have been asking the Universe for justice.  Not that I am wishing the former spouse any harm, yet karma?  What goes around comes around? Those rules of thumb are there for a reason right?

Sigh, I will muddle through this somehow. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

29 march 2024

Back is tender, again.  The pain does .. let's just say I would rather not have it.  Complaining applies energy to that area making it larger in my limited searchlight of consciousness. 

Another round of stuff, uncovered another layer of anger, pissed off-ness, more hurt.  More sh-te that doesn't make any damn sense to me.  Been getting a few to many calories of late and I can feel it in my body.  Trying to reconcile the "out there" and the "in here" which I know is in many ways a false dichotomy since the body is surprisingly porous.  I'm also attempting to reconcile the status quo of the society I find myself subject to and wondering how things got so messed up so fast. 

I don't know if I should be happy or concerned about the aspect that I have re-discovered where if I can truly become fully engaged, in a state of flow?  My sense of time goes off line.  Entirely.  So far it hasn't created any issues.  It does get disconcerting though when I sit for a task and when I look at a clock I'm surprised at how much time actually passed.  Unfortunately, in this realm time is of importance.   

I know that I have been using sweets as a means to not deal with the emotional turmoil.  Since the other commonly available substances have a much faster and more severe price to pay.  In the time frame of the former marriage my weight had fluctuated considerably.  At one point I was within spitting distance to the weight I was when I graduated high school.  IDK I used to "know" when I needed to eat, and how much... d-mn it that went somewhere.  I also had the ability to keep chunking away at something and not require eating until the task was done. 

Anyway, other "stuff" has come up.  I need to provide official documentation to the company I have contracted with for microchip for my doggo, proving that indeed I am officially single again.  Like ??? It's public knowledge so that isn't a concern it's the whole thing that none of this information was available on their website. 

Wishing all here all the best.

1 April 2024

Interesting weekend.  Had a nice convo with my mentor.  Love how she can cut through the BS and give it to me straight.  I know that eventually she won't be there, physically that is. Seems that I'm caught twixt two different spheres, two different realms.  The physical and the spirit.  Seems to me that there is a feeling of seeking that place that I started from and that I had be detoured into somewhere else and all my experience has been repeated attempts to return to where I started that was the mix / blending / the place where here and there co-existed seamlessly in my experience.  something innate, to use an analogy, mayhap akin to the migration of birds.  As I face another day within this realm, still I seek that path to where I started. 

April 9 2024

F--k.  The onion peeled off a few more layers.  The little green f--kers {tapes of other peoples voices} in my head have also been more active of late.  Ghosts of memory past, are also more active of late. Plus the first hinge point in my mid back is also talking at me again.  I know that I'm grinding through some emotional stuff because my sweet tooth has fired up as well.  At least my lower back isn't.  Dam- Anyway, school work is calling.  Ugh this class is dry..

StartingHealing,

I'm blown away by the synchronicity of the beautiful souls on this forum. We seem to travel the same moods and issues at the same time.

I live where soul meets body. Both are real to me. Like an actor and a character. Same person. My eternal self and my temporary physical identity are existing simultaneously. Both are real. One does not negate the other. Every minute of every hour of every day I have a choice which "me" I choose to focus on. And on many days that choice isn't easy to make. Physical life can be very noisy which makes it damm near impossible to focus on spiritual values. The bills need to be paid. The attacks are happening. I can't just ignore my physical self. As much as I want to...it doesn't seem possible on most days.

Today is another one of those days. I am having what I call a period of melancholy. In centuries past, PTSD was called "Melancholy Disorder."  I see melancholy as an unhealthy connection to the past. I am currently being tortured by the voices of my past. It comes on me often during early Spring. This year is no exception.

I wish I knew how to help you, but I can't even help myself out of it. The best thing I have going for me is that I've finally learned this is a temporary condition that comes on my like bad weather. It stays until it's done with me and then it just...goes away.

I guess the reason I'm telling you this is from my belief that we are stronger when we share experiences. My motto in life is "We're stronger together." I feel so much the same as how you've described your mood today. I feel stronger when I feel like I'm not alone in my experience. I hope my sharing helps others in the same way.

All day long right now I feel like I'm on a sinking ship and I wonder why I would bother to make the beds, fluff the pillows and wash the windows while the ship is sinking. I have no motivation. I am fighting off the voices of my dad and my narcissistic siblings, whom I have not been in contact with since 2010.

I'm sorry you're going through this also. It hurts. But it helps me to know that I'm not alone in this feeling. I hope that somehow, my being in the lifeboat with you brings some sense of peace in return.  We're stronger together.

April 10 2024

PC, I feel you.  I've been circling the "why do X" in the physical.  I've been through situations that honestly have killed others.  Sometimes I wonder about the why behind that. from being adopted to having a 1969 Buick Electra fall on me plus other events, and somehow I've always have come back from the event. 

Maybe part of it is that I realize that physically I'm on the back nine as it were.  I realized long ago that this realm isn't "fair" as far as what humans go through.  Which is fine.  It's a property of this agreed on shared experience.  For me would be nice to see karma happen a wee bit faster or being able to see "justice" on those who have f-ed me over.  I know that with some folks it was that they were doing the best they could at the time, yet I wonder about those who dam- well knew that they were f-ing me (in not a good way :) ) still have anger, hurt, sad, grief, the typical emotions from negative events.  I realize that what I have been through has made me into the person that I currently am, and as such I can't hold the events in a totally bad light.  Still sucks big green donkey d-cks though.  I guess I'm also working through a lot of the toxic positivity that I have picked up from current widely held spiritual memes. 

since my sweet tooth fired off in response to the emotional maelstrom I'm currently in, ye olde waist has been expanding. sigh.  Milk chocolate covered cashews are my go to at the moment.  Cashews help with mood and so does chocolate.  Not totally empty calories.  Sigh.

Part of what I'm dealing with is what is a "good" man?  As I've looked at what I absorbed growing up it seems to me that it is way to MF-ing sacrificial. Add in that for the majority of my life, I was in {service} to others while denying self the same consideration. Is that actually what a "good" man does?  Part of it is also that growing up, physical needs were not a issue, the emotional aspects were not given the same level of importance which is some what understandable since emotions are like the weather.  You know, the times that I felt safe, loved, and accepted was when I was with adoptive father.  He was my person when I was growing up.  he earned the title of "Dad" he was also my best friend, confidant, and the only adult that never lied to me.  If he didn't know something he would say so and then ask me to tell him when I had found something out.  the rest of the adults? ... not so much.  I could count on him to do whatever it took to protect me, I was his kid. Full Stop. In a situation like that, no f-s given, no consideration to laws, rules or regulations.  Oh yeah, he was a bad a-s. Former Marine, farmer strength, when he passed from this realm, I was alone against everything and everyone else.  H-ll of a place to be in when your 13-14. 

PC, I know that the current crapola will dissipate eventually.  It's my human wanting to have it all hurry the F up and get fixed is all.  For all things there is a season.

Anyhoo, for me I keep doing the things like laundry, walking my doggo, cleaning the house, because in a way it's showing that the sun will rise tomorrow, and it helps my emotional state.

Wishing all here all the best.

StartingHealing,

Your stories about your awesome dad warm my heart, but then losing him at age 13 breaks my heart.

It sounds like you and I have some similar beliefs as far as our spirit and physical lives.

I personally believe that the only true purpose we have as we live as physical beings, is to find our way back to God by evolving from being narcisstic cavemen to one day becoming awakened beings of light. That being said, I believe that pain and misery are part of our physical world to keep motivating us to let go of the narcissistic world and embrace the spiritual world instead.

HOWEVER: I can't stop thinking that there is just WAYYYYY too much pain on the earth. And when people say that stupid phrase: "God will never give us more than we can handle" I respond with, "tell that to the millions of people who've killed themselves over the centuries."

I truly struggle with keeping my head up because I can't see the beauty without knowing that it's sitting in pain. I use the 80/20 rule a lot. In this case, I see, and have always seen, that life is 20% joy and 80% pain. No matter how happy I am, I'm always aware that the other shoe is about to drop.

My T and I talked about this just yesterday. He is a well-trained Parts Work therapist, and he says this is not my core self who is demotivated and depressed. He says it's one of my parts. A big one. Maybe the biggest one. And he experienced the world with me as a boy who was only rewarded for being what others wanted me to be, and who was given good things only when they were bait for an inevitable betrayal.

We didn't have enough time to truly work through this sad boy part, but my therapist's suggestion is enough to make me think about it.

Meanwhile I continue to read and write on the forum so that I can feel like, at least I'm not the only person who feels this way. Being connected with others that understand...priceless.

PC, been a minute since I wrote anything here.  I do feel ya, I'm still mulling over the whole "parts" thing as presented by IFS.  I admit that there are, I'll call them snapshots like what a computer does with the OS.  Being in survival mode since was a wee fella, sh-t that is normal.  Unless it was my Dad, the rest couldn't count on much.  Was kinda hit or miss. 

I think that what I'm currently going through is the grief from not having genetic mother around has gotten attached to the grief from my Dad not being here in the physical.  I know that he's around in spirit which means to me that he is closer to me now than he could ever be in the physical.  Still hurts though. I also reckon that the grief of the what might have beens, what should have beens, around the former spouse. I recognize that there was no way at all, I mean she didn't have it in her, no matter how it was sliced, to be the partner / spouse that she verbally presented herself to me to be.  I bought the lie, swallowed the fantasy in it's entirety which I'm torn on.  Sometimes there is anger towards her, sometimes anger at myself for ignoring the vibes I was getting off her, then again, the pattern that was laid down growing up with the adoptive mother was similar.  Ignore the actions and accept the beautiful lies presented by the verbiage.  Looking back, as objectively as I can from this point, all the major relationships I've had with gals have followed the same pattern.  I reckon that without conscious knowing I was attempting to prove that I was / am worthy enough for respect, kindness, dare I say, love. To be chosen, you know? Which is a sure fire way to go through some not good stuff when it inevitably went to h-ll in a hand-basket. 

At the moment, my eyes are very leaky. chuckle.  While I would like to indulge in that a bit more today, I need to make up time in school work.  Usually at work I could structure my day to not only get all work related tasks done but also to get time for my studies.  This week, was not able to do that.  This weekend is going to be heavy school work.  My current class concerns the programming language Python and I really really need to "get" it.  Not only for future job related stuff but also for personal use.  Sh-t fire and save matches, if I can come up with a 'script' that can automate tasks I'm looking at doing at home?  Parsing data, removing duplicate items, images, etc and having the duplicates moved into a singular folder where I can then decide to delete or ?  I am encroaching on 4 terabytes of stored data.  Quite a lot is duplicates.  As an example. Instead of attaching images to a email from the main repository, the former spouse would create a folder to copy the images into, to then attach the copies to a email.  Or there are folders within folders within folders that contain the same data.  yeah.

Time to eat, take my stack of supplements, and then school work.

Wishing all here all the best
 

StartingHealing,

I just want to say hi and that I enjoy the openness and heart in your posts. Good luck with your schooling.

I was touched by your comment that your dad is closer to you now than ever before. I know that feeling. My little sister has visited me several times during my dreams. She reassures me she's happier now than she was, and that her love for me still shines, so I'm very glad to hear that your dad is still with you also.

True love may be hard to find, but once we find it, it never really dies.

21 April 2024

Quick thing this time.  PC, it is so very wicked cool that loved ones come back to visit.  I know he's there, it's just not the 'same' as sitting with him physically. The all that is has given me some insight I think.  I was getting some hypnotherapy and something happened and I was "bouncing" back through my lifetime to events that had the same emotional "vibe", that was the cord that connected them all together.  If that is how my wetware connects things then what I'm currently going through is my preverbal loss, grief, and so forth, that is connected to that event where my Dad exited this realm. Same emotional vibe, right?  I'm considering sleuthing out a good hypnosis person to get in there, outside the usual pathways and see about clearing some crapola out.  Maybe even get deep enough to contact that part that knows that it's part of all there is.  IDK, maybe it's my frustration with the current segment of the python class but da-n man, I'm full to the brim at the moment of not knowing a direction to head in.  Maybe it's other "stuff" as well since I know that I'm still in the recovery / healing phase.  Kinda expect that will take as long as it takes.  My tens unit has about 5 min left on it's current cycle.  Trying something new with that spot in my back to see if I can strengthen the muscle around the spine in that area to remove spinal maladjustment from why it hurts. Pinched nerves are very painful.  It's better but there are still times where mercy sakes, hands don't want to work, feels like I'm getting zapped by an ignition system running down both arms.  After the tens cycle is done, going to apply absorbine horse liniment gel.  Way better than ben-gay. and get back into attempting to savvy what having a outer loop that's running, while an inner loop is running as well and how that works. I even purchased 12 inch 90 degree pliers because I can't get my shoulders, elbows, wrists, bent around enough to apply / remove the electrode pads in that spot on my back. Guess it's the mechanic experience I have, buy or build a tool to reach where you need to. I got a back brush that I wrapped plastic wrap around the head for applying the liniment.  If I had the $ I'd mosey down to I think it's Costa Rica and get a full treatment of stem cells. The starter stem cells come from me so no worries on bio-ethics.  Turn back the biological clock 3 or 4 decades.  I like having the experience, the wisdom, the body though, needs some intensive attention.  Well basically I have ran the wheels almost off, needs a refresh :D chuckle.

Wishing all here all the best

SH,

I like those TENS units. Coco and I use them on joints here and there. I use them on my knees, she uses them on her back. We also have an assortment of Infrared heating pads shaped for shoulders, legs, wrists, etc. Anything helps.

I hope you can find a good energy worker. Mine is a massage therapist who blurs the boundaries between massage and energy work. She does amazing things with my energy levels and pain levels. If I had to find another energy worker, I'd probably find a good new age bookstore to see who they recommend. Having a well-trained massage therapist doing energy work is something that seems to work well. She has intimate knowledge of bone and muscle structure AND intimate knowledge of energy flow. That's a good combination. I'm both physical and spiritual, and she is both science and spiritual. Good combination.

We just bought our very first S-Hook thing that lets us press on our pressure points on our backs without help from another person. They've been around for years, and they're cheap, but for some reason, we've only just purchased our first one. For pushing on pressure points until they release, these things are pretty helpful. You probably have one yourself, like I say, I'm way far behind the curve on this handy little device. Also, it sounds like you're dealing with some pretty serious spinal issues that an S-Hook wouldn't be enough to help with.

Schooling is grueling. I love to learn but I HATE college courses. Too many triggers that remind me of Catholic school. But I do respect how mentally and emotionally taxing schoolwork is. It's always good to learn, and it's good to have the courses done and in your repertoire, but they're hard work while in progress.

Good luck with everything. If you can find a massage therapist with energy experience, they might be a lot more affordable than a trip to South America.

PS: I did PRP injections on my knees in the spring of 2021. The cost to me was about $2k. I hobbled into the sports medicine clinic with my cane. I spent about an hour in the clinic. Then I danced out to the truck feeling embarrassed it was parked in a handicapped spot. It was appropriate to park there when I arrived, but I worried people were thinking I'd stolen the parking pass when I danced back out to leave. The results lasted about 18 months. Meanwhile, I also got some expensive orthotics in my shoes, which have given some more relief, so when my own plasma injections wore out, I wasn't as sore as I was before the injection. I'm told the injections work best the first time, and since they cost so much, I won't do any more unless the pain becomes unbearable again. PRP injections are simple. They draw a bit of blood out of me, then they spin it in a centrifuge for 21 minutes to separate red blood cells from platelets, then they inject my own platelets back into the sore parts of my knees. The results, for me, were instantaneous and miraculous. For 18 months.

The cost of the PRP injections was $2k. I had looked into Stem Cells also, but that clinic wanted $12k and two years for recovery. The decision to go with PRP instead was easy to make.

PC,
S hook?  If you wouldn't mind please paste a link.  This is the first that I have heard about them? that? You know what I mean.

??? that is nuts, 2 years for recovery?  Maybe I'm missing something in my understanding on how stem cells work in the human body.  The current theory I have read is that the stem cells replace end of life cells, broken, etc. and then differentiate into that specific type of cell in like 24 - 48 hours, and one of the reasons we age is because we don't produce enough stem cells to do a complete refresh on all systems and areas at the same time. The stem cells also pass through the blood brain barrier which corrects many things in the wetware and even is beneficial with correcting blood sugar issues. With the tech that is already out, pretty soon doing your own stem cell therapy at home is going to be possible for not much $. 

Went down a nutrition rabbit hole and found out that a seaweed called Dulse has compounds in it for lots of different things. Add it to a salad, make tea, eat it straight, etc.  The studies that I found show like a 30mmg drop in blood pressure with folks that have hypertension at 5 gram intake a day.  That's h-lla significant.  Plus it contains something like 92 different trace minerals that are being shown to be important to human health.  It also reduces / removes insulin resistance, helps the probiotic in the gut, just all round good stuff.

Last couple days my noggin has been doing the spinny spin and it sucks.  I know that I'm not attention deficit, just getting to where I can focus, and once I do then it's brutal to get attention to shift to something else.  Agghhh.  Not that beneficial for schoolwork.  Also went through a period where the former spouse was once again brought into focus.  I "get" it.  She's got a thing that is f--ked in her head.  And?  Sorry, not sorry, that doesn't give her a pass on being a abusive pile o sh-t. I don't mean to sound cold but thank the gods that there was no offspring with me and her.  Her specific bloodline is dying out.  She did have 2 sons before I came along.  Her fraternal twin, he hasn't had any offspring at all.  Throw in the shifting demographics in the USA and doubtful that either one of her sons will have offspring. Morgan Stanley is forecasting that 45-50% of women in the US, from 25-45 will be single and childless by 2030. 60% of eligible men are checking out and not even trying in the dating market. Don't blame the men with how everything has been weaponized against them.  as a male in the USA right now, just saying "good morning" to a gal is dangerous. If the gal is feeling a certain type of way that has nothing to do with the guy saying "good morning" she can call SA, or harassment, and no proof needed for the local po-po to arrest, detain, and charge the guy because now if your plumbing is on the outside, you have to prove your innocence.  And no repercussions on the gal for lying.  I've thought about maybe dipping a toe back into the dating market, but nah.  Why put myself at risk? 

Anyway, need to configure my space for school work.  Wishing all here, all the best. 

Hi Starting Healing,
Those stats you quoted by Morgan Stanley are interesting.  The nutrients in that seaweed also sound amazing.  I don't think I've ever eaten seaweed.  I imagine it would taste quite salty.  Have you tried any of it?  Are you thinking of trying it?

Anyway, just popped by to wish you the best for today.
Hope  :)

Hi ya Hope,

Here is a link straight from the horses mouth as it were:  https://www.morganstanley.com/ideas/womens-impact-on-the-economy

The seaweed, if you have ever eaten sushi, or a rice ball, nori is a sea weed that is used. Here is a link for the edible sea weeds: https://www.webmd.com/diet/health-benefits-seaweed.  Didn't know this but in Ireland they add Dulse to soups and stews.  A ton of good health benefits all round.  Helps thyroid, helps probiotics, helps insulin resistance, has the fiber that helps clear things out, plus the 92 some trace minerals that a body needs, like copper, manganese, vit a, vit d, methylated b's which are the kind us human need, not the other forms that can cause gastric distress, dam-ed impressive actually. 

As far as flavor goes, kind of grassy / alfalfa like, and sea. Like.. the sea has a specific smell / taste.  It's not salty like sea water. Been taking between 5 and 6 gram a day. Which is about a tablespoon(ish)  From the studies I've found it will take a little while and then the BP will start coming down. 

I have some things I want to do still, and I've already outlived both genetic parents year wise.  Maternally, passed from chronic alcohol consumption at 47, and paternally he passed from "heart attack" at 46-48. ( I still have my suspicions that other "substances" were involved in that.  Haven't been able to get the coroners report. Being adopted I have no legal claim to it. It was the late 1960's and all them funny substances were flooding the USA complements of a 3 letter agency. ) 

Since I still have things I want to do, need to keep everything ticking over as best as able.  I wonder what a round of Stem Cell therapy would run $ wise.. I've heard some pretty impressive things.  The body needs a refresh for sure.  Shoot, to biologically be back in my 30's?  That's a h-ll yeah! with the wisdom I have now?  would be a good thing.  Get me off the back 9 of life. 

Don't know if the current supplement stack is doing it or what but lots of old sh-te coming up.  Fragments of memories, snatches of songs,  I'm hoping that is a sign that the wetware/nervous system is refreshing (mushrooms are another area to look into for beneficial effects) and is rewiring.

Wishing all here all the best

Gosh he*l yeah. Digging through all this trauma stuff, getting to a good place and then being able to biologically reset back to 20s or 30s and live life over without the trauma imprint so heavy? Yes please!

Small "drive by" 

Had a situation that wasn't directed at me but still brought up some old sh-te.  Tis the "part of but not belonging to" aspect of me (adopted) to the 2cd (adoptive) family.  Well, 2nd family, maternal grandfather got into wood carving towards the end of his time in this realm, on that go around.  He created functional models of the wagons, buckboards, including harness, harness trees, mules, people, that were around as he was growing up.  I have previously told 2cd family that I would like to have a keepsake from him.  Doesn't have to be a large piece, just something, you know? Multiple times over multiple years.  Still waiting.  While a nephew got a piece. 

Ockham's razor the sisters are up in age, health issues, yada, yada, and they "forgot".  However, this behavior is commonplace, has happened multiple times previously.  Took several years to even get a image of my Dad.  Like WT ever living F?  I reckon the good part about it is that the "connection" there is * enough that if I bounce overseas, go native, go incognito it's not going to be that big of a thing for me.  Part of this I think is the adoptee bit of accepting any little scrap of connection.

Wishing all here all the best

Hi SH,

I'm sorry your adoptive family is like that, and to me, it's not a small drive by, but a pretty big thing where they are not acknowledging your need to feel you belong after you were adopted. Or to even make you feel like you belong. I just wanted to say I hear you and offer a hug if that's ok  :hug:

Sending you support,
dolly

Hello dollyvee,

I accept your hug.  Thank you  ;D

Is one of those things.  F-ing amazing what happens when a normal kid gets put into a sh-t situation because of decisions of the adults at the time. 

I have understanding on much of it. The why adoptive father became Dad (a title he earned), my person, is that his actions were consistent, he was consistent, he took me on warts and all, he claimed me as his. Period.  That is just the way it was and anybody that said different, well, there was the knowing that saying things contrary to that would have repercussions up to and including physical violence.  My Dad didn't brook no foolishness from others in many regards.

The person in the role of mother.  Sigh, that's a different barrel of monkeys.  The common thing is "they were doing the best they could at the time" and yet.. I really don't know how accurate that is in regards to her.  Yeah, she was there mostly when I needed patching up from something, yeah she took me to the doctors, chiropractors, dentists, complain though, seriously, it was like she was the one that got the pitchfork tine through her foot instead of me, {no lie, when I was having growth spurts, I was clumsy, h-lla clumsy}  shaming, guilt, the need to be right, not insults per se, lots of comparisons though to her 4 natural borns that happened before I came along.  1 older brother (20 year split twixt us) then 4 years to a sister, 3 years to the next, then 4 years to another sister, and then 4 years to me.  I've heard it stated something like this: " When I was a baby, I was given a job. That job was to attempt to fulfill an adults emotional holes. As such there was no room for 'me'.  it was all about them." 

Lots of criticism there as well.  How much criticism for how long did it take till I said "f it"?  I remember making the decision to not take home any crafts that I did from public school, vacation bible school, etc.  Why? Most "parents" would see that the kid was doing it as a way to show love towards the them.  I know with my daughter, I made sure to put every single item she brought home, or gave me on the fridge.  It would stay on the fridge till a new one, and then the old one was saved in a special box.  I would always thank her, and hug her when she would give me something.  Even now, I still have a collection of the things she's done and gave me.  It's not as large as it once was.  Attrition of the years, the paper breaks down, etc. 

With the person in the role of mother:  there was always something to pick at.  Didn't stay close enough in the lines, used the wrong color, the macaroni, sigh, wrong direction, didn't stay in the lines, had to many differences in sizes, construction paper cuts weren't smooth enough, yada, yada. yada. Then the comparisons to how f-ing great the natural borns were.  This sister did this so good, why can't you be more like her on this, that sister did so good at ______, why can't you be like her in this.  So I stopped.  Wasn't worth it.  Yeah, would get a lil bit of a thank you, but the ratio of gratitude to b-tch, after a while, flat wasn't worth it. 

After I stopped bringing things home, it took a while, then the person in the role of mother, she had to have said something to my Dad about it, because he came to talk with me about the situation.  I explained as best as I could as a wee kid, dont' know if it hurt his feelings or not, he never let on.  Memory is a dam-ed funny thing.  I remember bringing things home and giving them to him for a while, then something happened, and I just stopped. 

I tried as a child.  I gave it so many tries to get the acceptance, dare I say approval? from the person in the role of mother.  In the different realms of artistic expression.  Till finally, I think I was about 7,8,9, I quit chasing that all together.  Flat got tired of never being able to produce something that was acceptable enough to her that she would accept it and tell me that I had done a really good job, give me a hug, and as the English say "Put in a place of pride".   

 D-mned if it was a year ish? after I stopped, then the last pastel drawing I had done, ended up in a frame, and hung on a wall.  Most kids are not going to be Leonardo da Vinci, Rembrandt, you know?  Too little, too late. Every artistic avenue, whether music, drawing, sewing, photography, any area, that she had turned a hand to,  or the natural borns had turned a hand to, wasn't worth the b-tch or the excuse that it was too expensive.

This from a person that would drop 50$ or more, at least once a week, in thrift stores for dolls that she would clean up, add to the collection, and not do another thing with.  She could have worked that collection and made some $$$$.  And this was back in the day where gasoline was under a buck a gallon, and 20$ was more than enough for a dinner and a movie for a date with a tank of gas!

 I wanted to play music, and that turned into accordion, then organ, then saxophone, instead of the sax, I wanted to do drums.  Could not do that.  Nope.  Stuck with the sax for a while in school band, which ultimately ended up with me dropping it.  Why that arc?  Because the accordion was already there and one of the natural borns had done it.  Same with organ, same with the sax, no sh-ts given of what I was interested in learning how to play instrument wise.  Left a bad aftertaste for a lot of years. 

Yeah, projection and now I think that she had a preconceived role that she was trying to force me into.

Very much an independent kid. I learned fast.  I learned how to cook, clean, do laundry, sew buttons back on all by the time I was 4.  Also learned fast on how to doctor myself when crap would happen.  There was a line of being hurt that I figured out pretty damn fast on if I needed outside help or if I could deal with it myself.  Anything to reduce the b_tch that would come any time I needed her to help patch me up. 

Where I'm at now, I really don't know if I would have reached out to her if she was still here.  There was a time where with dealing with the former spouse and them, something had to give and it was them, I went incognito with them for many years. 

I savvy that biologically, there are times that critters won't take on another little one (of the same species) because of the wrong smell, or something.  Or if they do, the one that gets taken on is treated differently.  Genetic competition and all that.  The thing is the dichotomy twixt Dad and the rest of them.  The stark and at times shocking difference between one, the provider, the patriarch of the clan, full acceptance and the conditional? Provisional?  Almost like they were caught in cognitive dissonance, bouncing from ownership / family? 

Goes back to being part of, yet not belonging to. 

The paradox of this realm is when you get to a point where you don't "need" ______________, that is when it shows the h-ll up.  I reckon that once I get my braincase fully withdrawn from my rectal orifice AKA healing and get comfy with myself, then the universe will shift and there will be a group that I will belong to/with.

Wishing all here, all the best.   

Small Vent:

FB now has a thing where they restrict your account for 24 hours if you log in to your account with hardware / network that "they" don't recognize.  Even if you have done so in the past.  How jacked is that?  The warning is that you went against community standards.  Like *?  you know?

May 8, 2024

What a nuts few days.  Started wondering why I got so twitchy over what FB algo's were doing. Then I realized that there are a couple of groups that I belong to that provide a sense of connection to me.  Shared interests, good folks generally speaking. sumb_tch, is it still part of that whole being adopted and me still searching for the connection to "mother"?  I reckon so.  Trying to be, just be, and allowing the feelings that I have had stuffed for so long, so bloody long. 

My life is pretty good, you know?  $ situation is decent, rental house is good, my doggo is good, job is job (chuckle) which is still alright.  True, the connection to adoptive sisters, family? is f-ing wonky but then again it's always been wonky. Lots of old wounds coming to the fore. ya know, I'd rather take the 1969 Buick Electra falling on me all over again than this re-visiting of the wounding.  Physical injury to me isn't a thing, somehow the emotional, mental wounding is so .. h-ll, don't have the words.

Growing up, school, community, perhaps the feeling of being part of but not belonging to from the majority of the A-fam, carried over, plus due to the "collecting" of stuff from the person in the role of mother, there was a sense of shame, because I didn't feel like I could have school friends over, meanwhile the person in the role of mother was "soooooo" concerned about how the community would "see" her.  Like *?  Like how 'blind' could she be? 

Sigh.

Need to get back after it at work so hopefully I can squeeze some school work time into the work day.  These 10 hour shifts really suck in some ways.

Wishing all here, all the best.   

05/09/2024

Ghosts of memories past have been arising of late.  Here is a fer instance, walking the doggo in the morning, looking at perspectives that would be a good image to capture with my mobile (when I upgraded I went with a device that has killer photo hardware. The low light capture is still amazing.)  The memory arose of a time, walking the doggo at a park, for some d-mned reason the former spouse went off about how my wallet (it's one of those tall ones) was hanging out of my left rear pocket and it would be soooooo easy for somebody to run up from behind and steal it.  My shirt covered the part that protruded out of the top of my rear pocket, you know where the hem of the shirt has to be lifted out of the way to have access.  I think it was her pushing a control thing.  I've been in crowds in some sketchy areas before and in my entire life I have not had any pick pocketing happen.  Not saying that it couldn't happen, yet this instance was being in a park, broad daylight, closest person to me was at least at the edge of effective pistol range (25 yards +)  Shi-e like that was a common occurrence.  Loading a dishwasher, washing clothes, pretty much any. da-n. thing.

Another memory.  I was really into computers.  Like really really.  Course since this took my attention away from her, it got to a point where she ragged on me to a point where I basically gave up with the self directed learning.  Then later on, a few years, she started b-tching about how "we" were behind the "curve"  on (insert _______________ here).  I remember thinking that if she had gone with where I was trying to go to, we wouldn't have been behind the curve.  Then again, I'm still working on accepting that BPD have 0 connection to intuition / logic. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

I hope the ghosts are being helpful in some way.  I recently read in one of the books I'm reading...I think it might have been The Seat of the Soul, that memories that don't come out and be seen just sit and fester in us. The part about healing from trauma that I have had to work at accepting is that I have to recognize and address the memories if I want them to dissipate. I can't just keep ignoring them, which would be a lot easier.

I like how you always say, "wishing all here, all the best". That's a really kind ending to all your posts. It always puts a smile on me.

Quote from: Papa Coco on May 11, 2024, 02:53:12 AMI hope the ghosts are being helpful in some way.  I recently read in one of the books I'm reading...I think it might have been The Seat of the Soul, that memories that don't come out and be seen just sit and fester in us. The part about healing from trauma that I have had to work at accepting is that I have to recognize and address the memories if I want them to dissipate. I can't just keep ignoring them, which would be a lot easier.

I like how you always say, "wishing all here, all the best". That's a really kind ending to all your posts. It always puts a smile on me.

Hi PC,

Don't know if the ghosts are helpful or not.  Shucking memories, or at least taking the emotional charge out of them, which turns them into something akin to faint black and white still images, rather than 4K holographic movies with Dolby Surround.  Today not a great day.  Lots of stuff coming up since it's mother's day.  That's one of the things coming out of the fog, not only with the BPD abuse, but also the adoptee bu77sh1t, lordy, on the one hand, I'm a he77a tough SOB, on the other, well, much work left to do on healing. I'll leave it like that.

I know that I'm in the middle o sh-te when it comes to a lot of emotional / mental / spiritual areas and at the same time, having something that puts something forth that is positive towards others.. I mean, how f-ed up can I be if I can still send positive out into the Æther? 

Wishing all here, all the best.

Dropping this here on Mother's day 2024

Conflicting feelings tumble through my awareness

Joy, pain, grief, contentment, love, indifference, anger, belief and unbelief

1st mom, I mentally understand the situation you were facing,
my heart still asunder,
bitter hot stinging tears,
still falling ,
wounding deep,
then you died from that you were using to numb yourself

2nd mom, there too, I mentally understand,
 yet the lies, the expectations that I could never meet,
the purchase of me, warped your gestalt,
you had others before me,
you knew, you knew!
Each child is their own being, yet I was to be as born to?

Those who profited, using lies, the religion,
 aye, even the name of the Creator,
all to further your grasping greed,
living on the psychic blood pouring from wounds
you created joyfully,
full of self satisfaction as you
skipped to the bank to wash your blood money

5, near 6 decades now, surviving.
DNA has provided spider silk
instead of the chain that should have been,
connection to ancestors faint, tenuous
Adrift, seeking, never finding,
 that piece,
my peace,
that was destroyed so so long ago

Met with those who remained
 on this side of the veil,
Blaming me, the singular being,
 innocent, for actions taken by others

Twice, thrice, four times!
Rejected. Rejected. Rejected anon,

Shame on the one side, anger on the other,
carry still those who blame me
for that I am collateral damage from.

May you all rest in peace as time goes on

Leaving me a singular being

Like usual.

05-15-2024

Wanted to write some things that I have been doing.  I have been taking a mushroom mix supplement as part of my stack of supplements.

I increased the number of times I take the mushroom supplement a day by 1. 

Holy Crap what a beneficial change. 

I'm doing the other work as well and holistically, small changes have a large impact.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best. 

May 17, 2024

The increasing of the mushroom mix didn't end well.  Had a period of time where I flat couldn't focus on ... anything.  Or once somehow I was able to focus, I got so deeply into it that coming out to shift focus was not smooth or easy. 

I often wonder if my brain has been changed because of all the digital "stuff" and that is why my attention span, at least to my recollection, is much shorter now than it used to be.  Of course I have no idea what a normal attention span is either.  Well, adoption, marriage to a person with BPD and ???? Yeah.  What's normal?

Course that brings up who is the arbiter of what "normal" is anyway?

Serious question. Is it a group? A singular person? Who gets the power to define what normal is?  Especially now when there is big money to be made from labeling typical human activities as some sort of pathology.  Case in point.  As a wee one, being ripped away from the one that birthed you, to then be placed with strangers and because the child doesn't "bond" with these genetic strangers the child has a disorder, needs medicated.

Or that children need recess in grade school.  Kids weren't made to sit still for 8 hours a day.  D-mnedest thing, there is a school district that mandated recess for grade school in Texas and do you know what happened?  Test scores went up, retention went up, acting out in class went down.  Who knew?!?! (Shocked Pikachu face) When in the world did it become ok to drug kids to fit into what is "normal" at that time?  Like somehow because it's coming from big pharma it's not going to mess up those kids natural development?  * 



Enough waffling, need to do school work.

Wishing all here all the best

SH

I always enjoy your posts. I struggle with how we institutionalize raising children also. Not only do they need more recess, and more active time, rather than sitting at desks, I also struggle with getting them up at 6 am to get them to school on time. Children need a LOT more sleep than adults do, and we can do them a big service by letting them have that sleep.  I raised boys. They had a lot of friends who were at the house all the time. I was a boy. I remember how boys tend to grow mostly during summer vacation. Both of my sons went through massive growth spurts during summer break. In both cases, they outgrew shoesizes in less than two weeks. They each had a summer when we bought them brand new shoes, that they outgrew in a matter of only days. Their voices changed during summer break. My wife and I were talking about our grandsons and their growing patterns. She said "I think it's because during summer, they sleep in and don't have to sit in a classroom all day." I believe there's truth to that. Let them be who they are and their bodies and minds are allowed to grow.

Normal. It's not real. there's no normal. Even when we, as a society, define it, that definition is temporary. When I look at the things we called normal in the 1970s, I see things that are horrifically offensive today. And things we call normal now, were horrifically offensive then. It's a moving target.

To me, normal isn't a descriptive word. My search is for happiness. I want to feel safe, happy, and satisfied that I am who I am and I don't need to feel bad about that on any level. Those of us who are truly good people have the right to be who we are because we're not hurting anybody by doing so.

If given a choice, I'd rather be happy than normal.

I agree with Papa C that normal does not exist. I think it is a useful construct when used as a starting point for various things. Like, what range of blood readings is "normal". Also, what is "normal" for an individual? For instance, I started taking my temperature every day during Covid (no idea why, seemed like a good idea at the time) and have continued. This is actually kind of useful because I have discovered my "normal" body temperature tends on the low side. So a reading towards the high end of "normal" as per Dr Google is actually on the high side for me and means I need to watch that I am not getting sick.

I don't think it is at all a useful construct when working out whether our behaviour or reactions are "normal". Even if someone is behaving in a patently unacceptable way, such as going round attacking people, how does it benefit anyone to say "ooh, that person is clearly not normal", when what they actually should be doing is stopping the person from doing the attacking and finding out a way to help/prevent them doing it again?

I have often said to my T "is this normal?" or "would a normal person think/do this?" and she always pulls me up on it, asking me what is normal and why I think there is some sort of objective "normal"parameter to judge myself against.

Hiya PC  ;D

Thank you kindly.  I have been told I have a way with words, maybe I'll become a wordsmith when I grow up.  Maybe not.  I am working on a book though.

Mercy sakes, Before I go off on a rant, just look at the history of "public" edumication in the USA. Rockefeller and Ford had a hand in it.  Yeah. Need warm bodies for the assembly line that didn't create trouble for the business.   Anyway, interestingly there has been a longitudinal study done (its in the US, don't remember the state where it was conducted) on kids as they went through the process of edumication and the results are that it kills creativity, it kills thinking outside of the box, it's only for indoctrination,  Memorization and regurgitation, the fear of taking a chance on being incorrect. In other words it takes geniuses and turns them into non playing characters.  NPC's, 

I got into trouble with many math teachers because I would ask them how to apply something and they had no answers.  Geometry, Algebra, yada yada, no answers given.  Wasn't until I got into welding that the geometry, trig, and algebra being applied to this reality, then it stuck!

Like history. History with only dates sucks.  Take the dates out and dig into the real history, now that is d-mned interesting.  Fer instance, Revolutionary days in the US, John Hancock was an independent booze importer, wink wink. Washington used cannabis and no cherry trees were involved. Franklin was a "rolling stone" nudge, nudge.  The taxes the Crown imposed wasn't on tea, it was on anything and everything related to brewing / distilling hooch. Kinda like how Canada imposed a carbon tax on every step of the economic chain.  these fellas were basically cut off at the knees economically.  Add in that folks were also being forced to house and feed the British armed forces at the time along with forced conscription, personal property could be confiscated without recourse (that sounds familiar) and for profit prisons (also too damned familiar) kangaroo courts,  I can see how they would get pissed off.

The advertising industry is sheer evil.  It's a propaganda arm of various powers that be.  Seriously.  Add in the "entertainment" industry and the narratives that get pushed, meanwhile the 24/7 news cycle keeps folks in fear which places them into very high suggestive state.

Every era has it's sh-te that was put forward to be normal for that time.  What puts the burr under my saddle is all the agenda's that are going on now.  I'm like you PC. If you are an adult then laissez-faire.  What ever y'all want to do. Cool. As long as it doesn't target children and/or infringe on others. Now tho, when a parent speaks out at a school board meeting they get reported to a 3 letter federal agency as a possible terrorist because of the explicit material that's in the school library? 

I remember those growth spurts. I don't know about the sleep thing.  Growing up on the farm, there were chores in the morning and the cows didn't care. I think it's kind of like how nature does things you know?  load up on stored energy, minerals, etc, and when summer hits, the biological switch to grow quickly gets triggered.  Winter isn't a good time for that. Fall your loading up to get through the winter, spring your recovering from winter, and when it's right timing, boom. there was still growth during the other seasons, but far more measured and slow.  Saw the same thing with the critters on the farm.

I never had a growth spurt where I went through a shoe size in 2 weeks.  My fastest was like 3 months.  Course with the physical labor I was doing, that probably impacted my spurts.

I'm with you PC.  Happy is far far better than "normal" (whatever the he77 that means)

Wishing you all the best

SH,

One thing that I've come to believe for my own healing is that any treatment I pursue that involves a blend of physical and spiritual concepts works. Any treatment that is only physical is just me spending money and time on chasing a carrot.

To clarify: I am not religious. I believe spirituality is more a sense of believing that I'm connected with others in a bigger picture than I can see with my eyes. I personally don't profess to know what "god" is, but I do feel some sense of connection to all things. So I sometimes call it God, but only as an umbrella term that means: I don't know what the energy is, but I feel it, so I focus on it. It brings me peace. It teaches me how to love instead of fight for power or ego.

That being said, I have read and reread The Seat of the Soul about a dozen times now. The author, Zukav, has a chapter on power that has helped me to see through all the advertising and corporate and abusive power that I witness every day in real life and TV and movies. People who choose to obtain power on the horizontal (Physical) path can never get enough of it. They're on a treadmill that goes nowhere fast. They get what they think they want, which is to control others, but then discover that it didn't make them feel safe, so they try a little harder to do it wrong again. And then again. And then again.

They succeed to destroy the lives of others, and create servants out of creative thinkers, but in the end, they die miserable and unsatisfied. Physical power only lasts as long as you're breathing. In the end, we all die alone and take nothing with us past the deathbed.

I've been learning that while these abusive physical giants take what they want from me, I have a choice to join them on the horizontal path, which only sends me into anger and frustration, or to learn the ways of spiritual thinkers and look for my power on the vertical path, which feeds my soul more than my body.

I don't connect with religions, but I do read about the ways that some of them teach how to let go of things that I can't control, and to find my bliss within myself and any connection I have with any higher level of consciousness or existence. To me, spirituality is simply believing that what's happening in the physical world is not all there is. It's a sense of connection to energy that's bigger than myself. It's a connection to Love rather than to fear. Corporate greed is driven by fear and competitive thinking. It's a treadmill. Nobody ever wins that game. It drives the monsters crazy in the end.

Yesterday I started reading a book I found online called Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender, by David R. Hawkins. It's not religion based, he's a Psychiatrist who has discovered that letting go of emotion heals the body and the mind. I'm already a third the way through and its proving to be very helpful for me to find the way to letting go of my anger at the world. My stomach is so sick because of my lifelong stress that I'm at a point where it's do-or-die. Sadly I sometimes need to hit rock bottom before I'll reach for help. I think I'm at rock bottom with my ulcers and digestive system. If I don't learn to let go now, I don't know how much longer I'll be around.

Narcissists are known for being miserable people who pretend to be proud of themselves. The more they hate themselves, the more they treat us with cruelty. They are said to be insanely jealous of the fact that we are able to be loved and they are not. Some of them are coming out and writing books now, telling the world how miserable they are because they know they can't feel love and they wish they could. They admit that they do harm because it's the only emotion they can connect with.

They mistakenly believe that horizontal power is what they need to feel like they are in power. They tend to become more erratic and out of control as they age, in part, I believe, because they can't stop running on the treadmill of trying to fight their way into happiness. I think that's part and parcel to the old saying "Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Because, like a gambling addict who keeps thinking the next roll of the dice will be the one, they keep thinking the next person they take something from will be the victim to finally make them happy. The more they fail at finding joy, the more they believe they need to try harder to hurt their way into happiness with just a little bit more stolen power.

And with the explosion of billionaires on the earth now, those sorry souls have more power to hurt more people in their search for stolen happiness. What they think is their advantage is just a longer rope to hang themselves with in the end.

As the world becomes more and more dangerous, I am being driven more and more to letting go of it, and finding my peace in moments of quiet meditation, and feeling gratitude for who I am and for having been blessed to not be a narcissist. I can see how some narcissists are born and some are created by circumstance, so I feel like I can thank whatever power I feel above me, for allowing me to escape that horrible affliction of trying to find happiness by hurting others.

I would rather be a nail than a hammer because in the end, nails keep the house together while the hammer is eventually tossed aside and forgotten. I find more comfort in reaching for power on the vertical path of life and letting the hammers have the horizontal path. In the end, even the billionaires will die alone and broke.

Quote from: NarcKiddo on May 19, 2024, 06:02:20 PMI agree with Papa C that normal does not exist. I think it is a useful construct when used as a starting point for various things. Like, what range of blood readings is "normal". Also, what is "normal" for an individual? For instance, I started taking my temperature every day during Covid (no idea why, seemed like a good idea at the time) and have continued. This is actually kind of useful because I have discovered my "normal" body temperature tends on the low side. So a reading towards the high end of "normal" as per Dr Google is actually on the high side for me and means I need to watch that I am not getting sick.

I don't think it is at all a useful construct when working out whether our behaviour or reactions are "normal". Even if someone is behaving in a patently unacceptable way, such as going round attacking people, how does it benefit anyone to say "ooh, that person is clearly not normal", when what they actually should be doing is stopping the person from doing the attacking and finding out a way to help/prevent them doing it again?

I have often said to my T "is this normal?" or "would a normal person think/do this?" and she always pulls me up on it, asking me what is normal and why I think there is some sort of objective "normal" parameter to judge myself against.

NarcKiddo,

If you think about it, using the word "normal" is a falsity.  "Generally" or "typically" has a clearer connotation doesn't it?

Good example with the body temperature. 

Yet, how many decisions are made by a misguided idea of what "normal" means?  I agree that there isn't a external standard / parameter to judge oneself against in that regard. There is perhaps social feedback that could be considered a loose, non-objective, generalized, vague, hint, that varies depending on which group of humans your interacting with. 

In your example of a person running around infringing on others physically, that would take physical intervention to stop it at that time.  Problem being that now, unless your a part of the "state" a private individual is at risk of lawfare if they step into that situation.  Even if it is on video.

StartedHealing said
I couldn't agree more.  That explains a lot of things for me, too.  I did read the first few posts of your journal to get your back story, and just want to say that I wish you lots of healing and recovery from the toxic ex that you are recovering from.  I also enjoy your style of writing and sense of humor!  That speaks a lot to your recovery.

Papa Coco, you have some amazing insights into narcissism.  It really helped me, so thank you. 

 natureluvr said " I couldn't agree more.  That explains a lot of things for me, too.  I did read the first few posts of your journal to get your back story, and just want to say that I wish you lots of healing and recovery from the toxic ex that you are recovering from.  I also enjoy your style of writing and sense of humor!  That speaks a lot to your recovery."

Natureluvr,
thank you for the best wishes.  Not only the toxic former but also the closed adoption. Typical kid, put into a jacked situation, and from there, all the twisted strands ended up in me getting into the situation with the former loose cannon. 

Wishing you all the best

May 23 2024

I was asked why I make sure to place dates into the various journals I write.  It's for seeing the progress, at least generally speaking the Georgian calendar is a somewhat accurate way to measure the amount of solar returns, and to mark events that are of import.  Course the current calendar is all kinds of messed up since nothing really relates to anything astrophysical in nature.  What's so wrong with months that follow the moon?  that's a pretty da-ned consistent way to tell the passage of time.  Solstices, equinoxes, nah.. won't go down that rabbit hole today, except to say that humans been trying a loooonnnngggg time to break free of the cycles of nature and now in the developed world, we have basically done that and generally speaking, in the 1st world, people are miserable. 

Anyway, as I am getting closer to my solar return, I've been having more insights.  Don't know if they are bubbling up from me or if they are coming from the All there is.  Either way, it's stuff that helps explain a lot of shi-e.  Pattern, Pattern, where is the f-cking pattern, which has been made clear.  Lot's of threads going back to genetic parentage, the patterns of each of them FOO, and how that played out in their behavior, set against the morals in the location of that time that resulted in me being here.  You know, it has been posited that the present influences the past as well as the future, spooky action at a distance basically from the quantum physics folks, and that has me a wondering on what kind of ritual do I need to do to get the inner most me, the soul if you will, to flip the switch and I'm the being that I was intended to be.  Granted much of this is based off my own perception and as such I know it's biased.  Being in the space where one can see the threads, hooking, attaching, distorting, existing through the experience of time, influencing me to do or not do certain things. Meanwhile, also being cognizant of the propaganda that I accepted as truth at the time.  Maybe it is because I'm on the back nine as it were, and no lie, I have feelings of anger towards the grand societal bu775hit propaganda that I was indoctrinated into. Realizing that the PTB are not stopping with it, it's that with the distributed nature of the 'Net it allows others to share the 'cracks' in the facade that they have ran across.  I've been a bit skeptical about "official" narratives anyway. Kind of hard not to since the "official" narrative concerning adoption is one of happy happy joy joy and yet my lived experience is at best not that.  Yes there were good times, yes there were happy times, yes, growing up without genetic mirrors f-cks with a person very deeply, yes, not being genetically related does cause a difference in treatment in the adopted child VS natural born.  The adoption industry in 2020 cleared something like 2 billion in revenue in the US alone.  Best interests of the child my buttocks. 

Same thing with the $ situation.  Inflation is a slow tax.  He77's Bells, even if the yearly rate is "only" 2%, that's minimum of a 20% reduction in value in a decade.  The fed govmt, even with cooking the books, and using those numbers, sigh.  Here is a link if anybody wants to see.. https://bls.gov/data/inflation_calculator.htm  Warning, it will piss ya off.  BTW they don't include food or fuel in that calculator.

   
I don't remember if it was Plato or Socrates, and the parable about the cave.  I have to say that as a society, been watching the shadows on the wall, the kabuki theater, rather than seeing what is really going on.  A more updated version of that would be the movie "They Live" with Roddy Piper. 

Listen, I get it.  As a genetic male, my existence isn't really necessary for the continuation of the human race, male disposability and all that. It would be nice though if while I'm still engaged in my air addiction, I could be considered to be a bit more than a replaceable carbon based revenue unit. Being single, I'm already in one of the top tax brackets, and I've been hearing rumors that the PTB are thinking about having a bachelor tax imposed as well.  Annnddd at the same time, people are leaving the US, not coming back, on top of being below replacement level birthrates since the late 1960's early 1970's.  If everything was great like the media mouthpieces keep saying, why then are people leaving? why are people not having children? (outside of the fact that Divorce Inc. happens 50% of the time)

In many ways I feel that I have been betrayed.  I did what I was supposed to, work hard, develop yourself, get edumicated, marriage, kids, vote, pay taxes, all the tropes that were being pushed and d-mnit, the rules of the game keep changing, they keep changing them, and don't tell anybody that they did.  Nah, I'm not bitter.  it is what it is.  Now I gotta figure what is going to be best for myself, decide if I am going to continue playing the games, and if I'm not, how am I not?  I'm already boycotting corporations because some are simply evil, some I don't cotton to their business practices, and some have a agenda that I don't agree with.  How can I not play the game with the PTB?  That's the big question that I'm exploring. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

May 24, 2024

Getting close to my solar return.  FB is pissed at me since I shut off the external data gathering.  If I post more than 2x, like more than 5 posts, etc.  Account Restricted!  Chuckle, annnnddd I wonder why their profit / stock price is going down? 

Did get to a milestone yesterday.  Took a while, been pecking at it on and off since oh Nov last year.  Going through all the digital photo archives.  The former spouse never once requested a copy of anything while she had the info to do so.  Weird sh-t though, it was like I had to have "permission" to finally finish the de-duplication (it was horrible. Ex. Same image, labeled 20 different ways, across 30 different folders.)  I was hung up for some dam-ed reason on erasing the data.  As a work around, I burned the images / documents that directly pertained to the former spouse on DVD's then erase on all hard drives.  I'm old school enough that I have 2 at a minimum, external hard drives that I back up data to.  Usually on a weekly basis. Still DO NOT trust the "cloud".  It's just a server somewhere, and good luck getting access, retrieving, or deleting that data if something hit the fan, or if you go to new hardware.  Besides that, if you look at the ELUA agreements, the "public" clouds, MS, Google, Amazon, Apple, they can data mine the he77 out of it and sell your info to whomever they choose.  Besides that they all are cooperating with 3 letter agencies.  No warrant required. Along with the US based social media companies who are in the same agencies back pocket.   

Before the big push to get everything done, I did speak with my spiritual mentor, who laid it out straight.  Burn the stuff to DVD's, don't send them. (yeah there was another situation where I ended up with #, email, snailmail addy for the former) If you send them then that will only cause her to give you more heart ache because she will start demanding more stuff from you. Even if it went through a 3rd party.  How f-ed in the head do you have to be to act like that?  Oh he77, went logical there for a minute.  My bad.

My mentor gave me permission to go forward with it.  Now I have burned DVD's with stuff specifically related to her, that data erased (gotta love linux based OS. No hope for recovery :) ) all the other data de-duplicated, removed all images, words, etc of her off the hard drives, even the legal proceedings data got moved to a different pair of external hard drives (small ones) and that data got erased off the main and related external storage. Still have some clean up to do with pictures of pets that were / are part of my life.  It's about 412 gigs for that one folder, unlike the 2.5 terabytes of all the other images, videos, etc.  Another thing that I noticed is when I did see an image of the former spouse, now I can see behind the facade to the madness behind the "smile"

Feels like that was a big step for me. 

Doubt she will ever come back for any of the data. She forfeited any legal, enforceable, dare I say ethical? claim to it almost a year ago. Plus in the 2 or 3 years leading up to the big event she decided that all of her surviving family was persona non-grata to her.  From what I've gathered that common with folks with BPD.  I did send her brother images that he should appreciate.  He's done with the former spouse.  She laid into him about this thing, that thing, etc. and he yelled loud enough that I could hear it over her mobile " I'm done! Do not contact me again! I am blocking you and if you call, text, email or other wise contact me I will file that you are harassing me."   Course to her that never happened and she was the one that blocked his number.   Aunt's, Uncles, Cousins, pretty much all of them have exnayed her.  Both parents are passed, she had intermittent contact with one child she gave up for adoption (that she twisted into that I was responsible for that) and the other child, has no use for her either. Once I got it through my thinking meat that the former is "adult" in the eyes of the law, and that she has every right to live her life the way she see's fit.  Even if it only brings chaos, trouble, trauma, extreme difficulties. 

Maybe that is part of the healing journey as well.  No, she abused the living sh-t outta me.  No chance on any level of he77 that I'll take her back.  F!!!!! that.  I can "see" though, the he77 that she's in, and with 25 years of exposure, I saw the trends and in my estimation, none of them go to a good result.  I'm slowly gaining more and more indifference.  Perhaps in a couple more years it will be like that one song lyric "there was somebody that I used to know".



Wishing all here, all the best.

Quote from: StartingHealing on May 23, 2024, 04:36:28 PMIn many ways I feel that I have been betrayed.  I did what I was supposed to, work hard, develop yourself, get edumicated, marriage, kids, vote, pay taxes, all the tropes that were being pushed and d-mnit, the rules of the game keep changing, they keep changing them, and don't tell anybody that they did.  Nah, I'm not bitter.  it is what it is.  Now I gotta figure what is going to be best for myself, decide if I am going to continue playing the games, and if I'm not, how am I not?  I'm already boycotting corporations because some are simply evil, some I don't cotton to their business practices, and some have a agenda that I don't agree with.  How can I not play the game with the PTB?  That's the big question that I'm exploring. 

I can relate to this deeply.  I will admit, I have become bitter and jaded to a degree.  I was completely betrayed by my FOO, and also by the larger community.  It's frustrating when you do all the "right" things (as I did), and yet life still isn't happy happy joy joy like they promise. 

Quote from: StartingHealing on May 24, 2024, 10:53:48 PMI'm old school enough that I have 2 at a minimum, external hard drives that I back up data to.  Usually on a weekly basis. Still DO NOT trust the "cloud".  It's just a server somewhere, and good luck getting access, retrieving, or deleting that data if something hit the fan, or if you go to new hardware.

I'm the same way.  With an external HD, you have complete power over it, unlike the cloud, so it's a smart thing to do.  I assume you are getting rid of all pics/vids of former spouse? 

Quote from: StartingHealing on May 24, 2024, 10:53:48 PMMaybe that is part of the healing journey as well.  No, she abused the living sh-t outta me.  No chance on any level of he77 that I'll take her back.  F!!!!! that.  I can "see" though, the he77 that she's in, and with 25 years of exposure, I saw the trends and in my estimation, none of them go to a good result.  I'm slowly gaining more and more indifference.  Perhaps in a couple more years it will be like that one song lyric "there was somebody that I used to know".

She is probably living with the consequences of her own abusive and toxic actions.  Good.  Let her.  It's a fantastic sign that you are becoming more indifferent!  I love your strong resolution to have nothing to do with her, ever again!  That shows real recovery on your part. 

Quote from: natureluvr on May 30, 2024, 04:22:24 PMI can relate to this deeply.  I will admit, I have become bitter and jaded to a degree.  I was completely betrayed by my FOO, and also by the larger community.  It's frustrating when you do all the "right" things (as I did), and yet life still isn't happy happy joy joy like they promise. 

natureluvr, is it that it's bitterness and being jaded or rather seeing through all the BS, finally, for the first time?  That is how I am looking at it.  Seeing the man behind the curtain as it were.  Now, seeing behind the curtain, while is does sssuuucccckkkk, at least now I can take appropriate action where I couldn't do that before. 

Quote from: natureluvr on May 30, 2024, 04:30:53 PM

Quote from: StartingHealing on May 24, 2024, 10:53:48 PMI'm old school enough that I have 2 at a minimum, external hard drives that I back up data to.  Usually on a weekly basis. Still DO NOT trust the "cloud".  It's just a server somewhere, and good luck getting access, retrieving, or deleting that data if something hit the fan, or if you go to new hardware.

I'm the same way.  With an external HD, you have complete power over it, unlike the cloud, so it's a smart thing to do.  I assume you are getting rid of all pics/vids of former spouse? 

Quote from: StartingHealing on May 24, 2024, 10:53:48 PMMaybe that is part of the healing journey as well.  No, she abused the living sh-t outta me.  No chance on any level of he77 that I'll take her back.  F!!!!! that.  I can "see" though, the he77 that she's in, and with 25 years of exposure, I saw the trends and in my estimation, none of them go to a good result.  I'm slowly gaining more and more indifference.  Perhaps in a couple more years it will be like that one song lyric "there was somebody that I used to know".

She is probably living with the consequences of her own abusive and toxic actions.  Good.  Let her.  It's a fantastic sign that you are becoming more indifferent!  I love your strong resolution to have nothing to do with her, ever again!  That shows real recovery on your part. 

Not 100%.  I've kept certain photo's in the legal proceedings external hard drives. Tech tip, get a SSD from a laptop that is being salvaged out from a business, get an adapter and boom, 256gig external fer cheap!  Well, in my journey I have concluded that it's better to not engage with places, things, people that have proven that they are toxic to me.  I don't wish her any harm, she does that perfectly fine on her own. I just don't want to around.  Don't even want to be a fly on the wall.

June 2 2024

Had a few days where I was trying to get a bead on things.  Attempting to "see" the current situation(s) in the place I live in a objective manner.  I forget where I read or heard this, anyway it goes something like this:  To take effective action one much first have understanding the the situation(s) that are presented.

I took at look at the current situations and also the trends that have led the country in which I live currently to the place(s) that it is at.  Generally speaking of course.  However, there are things that are outside of my control, and I fully realize that, which can impact my daily experience. One example is the inflation rate as an area that is fairly widespread amongst the places in the world that use a fiat currency as a medium of exchange.  Out of my control, what steps can I take to mitigate the impact as much as I am able?  I went through the list.  A risk assessment of sorts. And attempting to reach a conclusion what I can do, which perhaps that is due to how I'm wired. I know that my conclusions will have to change as the situations change and that's fine. 

While I was attempting to do my objective assessments, I reached out to my mentor.  It was taken as if I had totally gone black pill and was seriously thinking about deleting myself which really struck me as f-cking weird. 

I then reached out to a friend of mine that is former military.  I explained what I was trying to do and the interaction was totally different.  I don't know if it was because of prior experiences that each had or perhaps it was a difference in their wiring?  Both are logical, both have what I would consider a really solid objective viewpoint, both are very insightful and both have no issue with calling me out on my BS. 

I mean, am I mistaken in wanting to figure out what steps can be taken to help mitigate things?  yes, one must have spiritual input / be grateful yet one has to also take action, right? 

Anyhoo, finally got to conclusions and that it feels that I really needed to get there. 

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.   

Hi StartingHealing,
I sounds like you got somewhere with that.  I'm glad you got to some conclusions.  Your friend from the former military sounds helpful.  I'm glad you've got that friend.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope.

06-04-2024

the epiphanies are continuing.  More of deeper insights into how the threads of the events from my past has influenced the desires that I had / have. 

Fer instance:  Adoption situation, the abandonment aspects, the dynamics of the adoptee family, has 'tweaked' the natural desire of having 'family'.  Having a 'family' having that singular someone to share life with, and how that ended up leaving me wide open to be taken advantage of by a person with BPD. 

Me head knows that I need to become complete as a human being, needing nothing from others, while at the same time, that will also help the connection(s) to current family / friends.  The paradox of life.  My heart on the other hand... sigh.  I think I am still in grief. 

Also attempting to come to grips with that my particular genetic code, at this point, may not go forward in time.  Yes, I have a daughter, who never cottoned to the idea of having children.  In a few more years she'll not have the ability. 

Da-nit, there is something there, it freaking hurts, and my chronological age is such that, well, which gal that still can become pregnant is going to 'be' with me?  Age gap and such.

Need to do something else now

peace to all here 

06-08-2024

Lineal time grinds, carrying me forward, no matter how I feel about it.  What is that saying?  "This too shall pass"

Was reminded again, odd and brilliant how the universe works, that much of the supposed age we are has to do with who we are pretending to be. I won't go into how things worked around to where I was reminded of it, anyway, there was a study on 70+ year old men, was put into a environment from 22 - 25 years ago, all bio-metric  markers showed a decrease in chronological age. finger length increased, height increased, muscle tone, and, and, and,

So how much of what we go through are the result of mistaken sh-te that we carry around?  Meditation has similar results in 'reversing' chronological age, and we know that 'stress' impacts the body in a negative way, there has to be a mechanism there. Is the mechanism the same?  If the mech is the same then that explains what Joe Dispenza reports in the area of spontaneous healings, that he has documented in detail. 

if that mechanism is the same, that also explains so much in the area of healing and even with the multitude of approaches, there is a lot of successful paths there, you know? 

Need to go do something else now.

Wishing you all the best

06-10-2024

Finally got to a point where the storm clouds are on the horizon and the creek is rising and I have general plans in place.  Feels good to be where I am currently.

This is something that I need to do more of. 

Still working on the figuring out the how to be living for me. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

06-11-2024

The following is nothing more than supposition on my part. 

Been more regular with taking my supplement stack over the last couple weeks.  I've noticed a better general mood and more energy.  Have some additional supplements coming in to add to the stack.  Still need to watch what I eat.  I think I need to go more protein / fat / complex carbs rather than the raisins, dried cherries, etc.  Nov last year I was the thinnest I had been in a very very long time.  Stepped on the scale and crap.. now I'm the heaviest that I've ever been.  Sigh, you know striving against the low nutrition that exists in food now, what a bogus thing. 

Need to go do other stuff.

Wishing all here, all the best 

It sounds like you are doing some good stuff these past few days. I hope the supplements and the plans for how to handle the storm clouds and rising creek keep feeling good for you.

It's a nice feeling when things start to click for us.

Wishing you the best in return.

Quote from: Papa Coco on June 12, 2024, 10:49:52 PMIt sounds like you are doing some good stuff these past few days. I hope the supplements and the plans for how to handle the storm clouds and rising creek keep feeling good for you.

It's a nice feeling when things start to click for us.

Wishing you the best in return.

PC,
Yeah, having a plan(s) for when things go awry, there is a lot of comfort in that for me.  Maybe it's from growing up on the farm.  Caffeine consumption has stabilized,  nicotine is still all over the place, my sweet tooth has mitigated.  I think it's due to my body seeking some of the micro-nutrients in the chocolate covered cashews.

Strange that it seems that I am being led into areas that in my opinion, modernity has dropped the ball in many areas. 

Hope you are doing well PC.

Wish all the brave souls here, all the best.   

Realized via a social media post that Fathers Day is coming up.  I'm going to be doing some thunks out loud to hopefully get some $hit resolved. 

  Who knew that this would bring up a storm?  Not that I'm totally surprised, it's been churning for a while.   

   Well ya see, 58 years ago the male, whom I carry about 1/2 of his genetics, died. Was in the first trimester when he kicked off.  Heart attack according to the coroners report. I have already lived longer than he did.  Trying like he77 to not do the whole judgement thing since I'm the result of adultery twice over. I mean, if he didn't do what he did, then the me, now, wouldn't be here. Temporal causality and all that jazz.  Thinking about how the probabilities played out, for me to be here now, with the genetic code I have, and if something happened in the timing, let alone the personalities at play, whoa.. Brain cramp!

   I reckon that I'm supposed to be here.  the 'whys' still haven't been given yet. I keep nudging in prayer, I mean I am on the back 9 of life you know?    He was, to use a older euphemism, a rolling stone. Or at least that is the impression that was transmitted to me by the 1/2 siblings, which have no interest at all in me.  I don't fault them and yet I still have a bone to pick, I mean fer f-cksake, I didn't have a exploding slave collar on the dude, you know??  Could also be one of those situations where things at home were such that he went out for a pack of smokes and never came back.  That happened a lot.  I know that it's de rigueur to place the blame 100% on men for that.  Now though, with going through what I have went through, I can see men doing that as a means of self preservation / to not commit murder or homicide. 

   I guess this means that I've grown some since I am considering that there were nuances there that fall outside the standard troupes.  I know that certain women know how their tongue can completely devastate someone, and honestly, I think that they enjoy it.  From that perspective, well, maybe he did what he did because his spouse was he77a toxic or perhaps she had a personality disorder.  I'm not a professional and I'm not attempting to be, yet working backwards(pattern, pattern, what's the pattern?) from what was communicated to me, and also considering that the 1/2 sibs had children themselves and yet to still be holding on to the "story".  Hm, that causes me to consider even with more certainty that it was a going out for a pack a smokes type of situation.

   Not saying that he was blameless.  He was human.  I'm pretty sure that he loved his kids.  He was stuck in a no win. Mercy I know that place personally. Not good to be there.   The US state in which this happened had social safety nets at the time, not to mention the federal level stuff, and the family was part of a large religious organization and the spouse's family was also in the area (Ancestry.com is really good at fleshing out some bones on history) was it more of the social stigma attached rather than the 'supposed' lack of material goods to live?  I haven't seen many images of the 1/2 sibs or their mother but one has to think that what ever the situation was it wasn't desperate enough that prevented the children to grow up, go out into the world, and 2 out of the 3 has done pretty good for themselves in the social-economic sense.  The 3rd, married into money so they good.     

   It smacks to me that he was in a no win, and he took a way out that kept him engaged in his air addiction and didn't turn him into someone that would have deleted another human or himself. Add in that the spouse did do the parental alienation thing which was so beat into the kids heads that when I come skipping along, they can't undo the story and see other than what was pounded into them, even though their mother did re-marry.   Odd isn't it that me figuring this out gives me a different perspective on myself.  The concept of the sins of the parents being transferred to the child is a d-mnedable hard narrative to buck.

   To me this is a way better story than what I was told.  Another thing that has blipped across my consciousness, I cannot speak to if there was any trauma on that mother, yet I am fairly certain there was some sort of personality / mental issues, and then genetic mother had trauma, plus some things, and adoptive mother also had some, and i used to be bound by contract to one who definitely has something.  Could there be some sort of genetic / energetic thing going on here?  I find the probability that all 3, I mean, yeah it's possible but holy hotd-mn. Two I could see since without lots of work healing up and reversing the rectal inversion of a brain case, chances are that he would 'find' a gal that had similarities to the spouse, and by extension back to his mother?    And then to have a another gal have 'stuff' that was not anywhere around, no knowledge, no knowing, those people, like *?!? 

  This is getting into some areas that I feel are important.  I don't have the vocab to adequately explain what's going on in me brain pan at the moment.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best. 

06-18-2024

I'm in that space where I want to write, but I also don't want to write because the stuff in the thinking meat is all tumbled jumbled, strewn chock-a-block, even from a emotional level, it's messy at the moment. 

I've written several paragraphs and then deleted them.  bleh.  I think I'll find me a practice sheet for zane-blosser cursive and do some practice.

Wishing all here, all the best. 

June 22 2024

Lots of things popping up as of late.  Got rolled into a different class which has triggered my inner swashbuckler.  Then the ethics / morals come up and it's like .. trying to get a grip on things.  For example, if a person acquires something from a legally created fictional personhood that acquired it via force or fraud, is that still morally suspect?   Or a legally created fictional personhood that knowingly incorporates toxic ingredients, and/or knowingly shipped contaminated products that ended up unaliving people? Does it even matter as long as the P/E ratios are good? 

Then today, found out that (I'll be using the typical terminology) a niece was found that had exited this realm.  Off the top of my head, she was in her 30's I think.  I reached out after the end of that d-mnedable state sponsored relationship contract, to not only her but also all the surviving members of the brothers family and it was all for naught.   

I feel for those that knew her. It's my understanding, no I wasn't told directly, that this niece had some rough patches in her life.  I don't really know what they were, I have my suspicions, based on that she was adopted.  it was kinship which was totally cool, there are still soooooo much there,  being separated from momma as a wee one, thats some next level sh-t.  It f-cks with a person pretty seriously.  Some adoptees can deal, some can't. 

Need to go do something else now.

Wishing all here, all the best. 

06-26-2024

The niece that passed was 44.  I'm still in a weird spot.  I don't know what is up with it.  It's like I'm saddened but I really didn't know her. You know?  IDK if I am picking up on the emotional turmoil, or what is going on.

Wishing you all the best

I felt that way when I found out I had a brother (I never knew) that died in orphanage at 6 months. I found it out nearly 50 years after the fact. 

When I was told I couldn't help but weep. I think it is just the realization that I had lost something else in my life. To date I do not know his name. 

StartingHealing,

My little sister passed at 44 also. That happened 16 years ago and I've never fully recovered. I respect what you are going through.

I believe we are connected to others in ways that are deeper than we consciously know. Even if you didn't really know your niece well, you were still connected with her. so her passing is something you can't just take lightly. (LIttle2Nothing, this fits in your life also: You didn't know your brother existed, but when you found out, you felt the loss. You didn't consciously know about him, but you felt the connection anyway. The loss is sad, but the connection is beautiful).

SH: I hope you are able to find peace in what you do know about her. And I think very highly of people who feel that connection, and who feel the losses when they happen. I think that people who feel the losses of others are of the best people on the earth. We're the ones who keep love alive on the planet. Heaven knows there are people who wouldn't care less about finding out a niece or sister (or infant brother) had passed. You're a good person. This sense of loss that you're feeling is proof of it.

My sister has come to me in dreams three times now and each time she's given me peace about how she is perfectly okay now. That's been a big help to me as I process my sadness at losing her. I hope you can find the same peace around losing your niece at such a young age.

Quote from: Little2Nothing on June 26, 2024, 09:52:22 PMI felt that way when I found out I had a brother (I never knew) that died in orphanage at 6 months. I found it out nearly 50 years after the fact.

When I was told I couldn't help but weep. I think it is just the realization that I had lost something else in my life. To date I do not know his name.

Little2Nothing, are you a evil dead fan? I ask because of the image.

I do feel you with the loss that you never knew you had until much much later.  Been a reoccurring theme in my life. 

Closed adoption. Was separated from 1st mother way young, like at birth basically. Yeah, pre-verbal grief ssssuuuucccckkkssss.

When I first searched in the early 1990's, found some maternal genetic relatives, (that was a cluster) found out that my 1st mother died in 1987 and up till 1985 she lived within driving distance from where I was raised, spoke with my 1/2 sister via landline phone, and I had to separate myself from the maternal side, I'll put it this way, with as f-ed up as I was, I would be at gloves and safety glasses level, them folks tho.. need a full haz-mat suit with air tanks at the time. I hope that they are better.  1/2 sister, we did some snail mail letters sporadically, and then I started getting letters back, not at this address, no forwarding.  Got into Ancestry ( I bless the DNA matching.  Oddly enough I'd rather know than not know, you know? Even if what I find / found causes pain.  Did get some images of bio father and mother and sister.)    Where ever my sister is, I wish her well. Last I knew she was on the west coast of the USA.

Then the finding and then the rejection of the paternal 1/2 siblings. 

I've really wondered how much adult or rather maturity was in any of the actions taken by the people at the time.  Could be my own bias I guess.

I know that in a way, biologically my parents are still with me.  That whole DNA thing.  I also know that they do come round from time to time spiritually, a drive by check-in. "Ya still breathing? OK good! See ya around."  Least they do check.  No lie, lots of mixed emotions there.  If it all had not gone the way it did, all that jazz. 

Then in the adoptive family, lots of old folks that had taken a shine to me, they got to where their exit point was and.. one less person that accepted me as the kid I was at the time. About every 2 maybe 3 years starting when I was 2? 3? Including my Dad the year I turned 14.  All that basically was left by the late 1990's was folks that still were attempting to put me into a box of their making.  Even the sisters which really had / have no skin in the game, they were doing the same sh-te.

I know, I shake my head at it too.

Little2Nothing, wishing you all the best.

Quote from: Papa Coco on June 27, 2024, 03:40:06 PMHiya PC
   
"My little sister passed at 44 also. That happened 16 years ago and I've never fully recovered. I respect what you are going through. "  Oh d-mn PC. My deepest condolences.  that, oh dude, I have no words.  if it's cool { :hug: } for you.

I believe we are connected to others in ways that are deeper than we consciously know. Even if you didn't really know your niece well, you were still connected with her. so her passing is something you can't just take lightly.

I agree that there is a type of connection there.  What it is?  I cannot say at the moment. 

Basically the last I was around that niece would have been when she was 12-14?  Very sporadic at that. The relationship breakdown is that she was a kinship adoptee, my adoptive brother's wife sisters child.  Adoptive brother (to me) after my Dad died, he decided that I would be better off with a substitute father (him) rather than being a big brother to me.  That the relationship was strained is putting it mildly, and there was a rift on the religious dogma side of things as well him getting all trained up to be a lay preacher.  I mean, how dare he?!?!? I had a Dad who unfortunately wasn't around.  Really don't care about others intent here.  He apologized to me as a death bed confession type of thing for attempting to be in the Dad role.  Was over the phone and it's not like I'm not going to forgive him at that point.  Talk about a total * move on my part if I had done that.  So I never really got to do the uncle thing.  Tried but wanna be father substitute put the kibosh on that. Uncle me was gonna be a "bad influence" and all that crap.   Yeah.  Looking at the results over time, adoptive brothers kids, fell right into the standard "preachers kids" meme. Some bad influence I turned out to be.  :Idunno:

I hope you are able to find peace in what you do know about her. And I think very highly of people who feel that connection, and who feel the losses when they happen. I think that people who feel the losses of others are of the best people on the earth. We're the ones who keep love alive on the planet. Heaven knows there are people who wouldn't care less about finding out a niece or sister (or infant brother) had passed. You're a good person. This sense of loss that you're feeling is proof of it.

I think that some of what I am picking up on is the loss of those that were closer to her than I.  She is a crib mate of mine most definitely. Being that both of us were adopted.  I do know that there were some rough spots in her life, and that was over and she was heading in a healthy direction for a undetermined amount of time.  I don't know if she had any children, I don't think so since I'm sure it would have been mentioned to me by now. Still waiting on any news about cause of death.

PC, wishing you all the best.

StartingHealing, I am a fan of the Evil Dead. I like Bruce Campbell!

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you. I truly am sorry that that was a part of your life. 

I hope that as time goes by the pain will disappear and you will find healing. 

Quote from: Little2Nothing on June 29, 2024, 10:05:56 AMStartingHealing, I am a fan of the Evil Dead. I like Bruce Campbell!

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you. I truly am sorry that that was a part of your life.

I hope that as time goes by the pain will disappear and you will find healing.

The evil dead series of movies is such fun :D  I need to re-acquire them. 

Thank you for your kind words.

I did grow up on a dairy farm so the circle of life was a constant. 

bittersweet would be the best single word I think.

Wishing you all the best.

July 3 2024

Really been considering so many things at the moment.  It seems like recently that as the scales have started to fall off my eyes in regards to so many things, kind of like the whole stack of propaganda has started to fall away when one of the supporting legs got kicked out from under it, I'm seeing more things, kinda like, the Randy Roddy Piper movie They Live, (good movie) and that has me on my hind foot a little bit.   The concept that to take appropriate action one much first know what the reality is.   I did ask to know.  Can't complain if I asked for it.  I reckon that since the former spouse was able to pull the wool over my eyes and then once that got corrected, it seems like it's ongoing.

Don't know where or when this process will stop.  At the moment I don't know if I want it to stop actually. 

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.

7-9-2024

Last few days have been a bit weird for me.  Feels like a bit of cotton or perhaps it's that me thinking meat is reorganization.  Could be that something blew in and the immune system is engaged in it's purpose.  I've been reminded of late that in many ways I am blessed.  Lots of folks have gone through so much more extreme circumstances than I.  Sometimes I wonder what is the purpose behind it all.  Physically I was taken care of.  Emotionally? Mentally?  Not so much.  There were singular people that came along that did / was enough that I didn't go down the route of self deletion. 

Have not really revisited that in quite a while.  Was such a dark period.  The anger I had at the time was the fuel that kept me breathing, kept me moving.  I figured that as long as I was breathing, them ba5tards hadn't won. 

The logic of a teenager.  It worked.  I'm still here.  Still breathing.

Ever wonder where that drive to just keep breathing, just keep moving, even when it would be so much easier to stop. quit. give up. 

Anyways, have other stuff to do.

wishing all here, all the best.

SH,

I feel you. That dark place is always there, hiding in the shadows. I've been there many times, and probably will be there again soon, especially as Holiday Season approaches in a couple of months.

If I can offer anything, it's friendship. Here on the forum. Nice, safe, anonymous friendship from someone who often feels similar things to what you're feeling.

I think Jung, or someone in the past, called this darkness our "shadow self." I have one too. I know how hopeless it can feel while visiting that shadow self.

When you say, however, that you feel like you haven't suffered as much as others, I feel that so often myself. For me, it comes down to this: Suffering is suffering. It doesn't matter what caused it. Two people in an ER waiting room, both suffering with broken femers in their legs. One broke their femer by saving a hundred puppies from a burning vet hospital. The other person broke their femer by falling while dancing drunk at a party. Which leg hurts the most?  Answer: Same break, same pain, same need for the same medical treatment.

The following is something I talk about a lot because I have suffered so many times by not feeling like I hae the right to complain about my trauma disorders: I'll say it again here

I had a former friend who got PTSD from being a soldier in Desert Storm. I got C-PTSD from being abused and neglected as a child and young adult. He never tried to end his own life, but I've been rescued from ending my own life 3 or 4 times now. When I told him that I had a trauma disorder, he very quickly responded, "My war buddies and I have NO respect for people like you who say you have trauma disorders when you didn't see what we saw."  That friendship ended that day, but the response it triggered in me went on for weeks, as I felt so ashamed of myself for having PTSD without having been on a battlefield.  It took a long time for me to say, "Screw it. I have PTSD whether I got it serving my country or being CSA'd at church and unsupported at home. I have it. It's real. I have since learned to not compare my story with others because it only makes me feel like I don't deserve to have C-PTSD. No matter what happened to any of us, we all ended up here, with eerily similar triggers and reactions. I respect absolutely everyone for what we've all been through. I know you do too. Your posts are always very kind and compassionate. You get it too. If I can offer any kindness today, it's that I respect your PTSD as much as everyone else's.

StartingHealing, you are a good person, and I am truly grateful to have you here supporting others and allowing others to support you.

We're stronger together.

PC.

Quote from: StartingHealing on July 09, 2024, 01:54:47 PMLots of folks have gone through so much more extreme circumstances than I.  Sometimes I wonder what is the purpose behind it all.  Physically I was taken care of.  Emotionally? Mentally?  Not so much.  There were singular people that came along that did / was enough that I didn't go down the route of self deletion. 

Quote from: Papa Coco on July 09, 2024, 05:48:10 PMWhen you say, however, that you feel like you haven't suffered as much as others, I feel that so often myself. For me, it comes down to this: Suffering is suffering. It doesn't matter what caused it. Two people in an ER waiting room, both suffering with broken femers in their legs. One broke their femer by saving a hundred puppies from a burning vet hospital. The other person broke their femer by falling while dancing drunk at a party. Which leg hurts the most?  Answer: Same break, same pain, same need for the same medical treatment.

Just adding on to this: everyone has different tolerances for pain, injury, and stress. Often times it is not something that can be controlled. It depends on so many factors, such as our age, what external support we have or lack, the stress we already hold, etc. Imagine a 5 year old who comes across a territorial barking dog, compared to a 24 year old. For the 24 year old, it's nothing but a barking dog. But for the 5 year old, that event alone can be quite stressful and scary, especially if nobody is around to comfort them.

Trauma is SO much more complex than just what type of abuse one went through. I know many folks presume that physical or sexual abuse to be the worst kind, but I've heard stories from those who have experienced all kinds of abuse, and some actually reckon that the emotional abuse was the worst for them. And that is something I think I can relate to as well. Objectively it is incomparable. It really comes down to the individual and how their brain responded. All types of stress and trauma should be treated seriously.

Quote from: StartingHealing on July 09, 2024, 01:54:47 PMHave not really revisited that in quite a while.  Was such a dark period.  The anger I had at the time was the fuel that kept me breathing, kept me moving.  I figured that as long as I was breathing, them ba5tards hadn't won. 

The logic of a teenager.  It worked.  I'm still here.  Still breathing.

Ever wonder where that drive to just keep breathing, just keep moving, even when it would be so much easier to stop. quit. give up. 

I certainly can't judge that logic, especially since it worked! Life always feels so incredibly daunting, this immovable mountain that we dread to climb. But don't forget the breaks we must allow ourselves in between the steps we take. Life isn't a race. You can allow yourself a moment to sit down sometimes, not give up necessarily, but just give yourself time to catch your breath.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Papa Coco,   July 11 2024

Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for considering me a friend.  that does mean a great deal. 

If memory serves, the shadow is all that wasn't acceptable.  Maybe I'm re-acquainting me with me.  You know?
 
You know been thinking about how much to I "owe" this society that I find myself in.  Interesting question, kind of an oblique vector to take but the answers are very illuminating.

Funny how memory serves up snippets of this and that.  Course with the entire reorganization of the thinking meat during adolescence, not to mention all the learning that happens.  I remember certain things, like crystal.  Others dim, murky.

 I remember not being afraid of the dark, I liked the dark, the stillness, being out of sight of that "god" who only judges, how all the other senses turned up to 12 to make up for the loss in vision. Felt like the next level of aliveness.  If that makes any sense.  Then, I think, I was convinced otherwise.  As a wee one I was fearless.  Absolutely fearless of anything physical.  Many a time, sick with the flu or whatever, roll out of bed, couldn't walk, belly crawl to the bathroom.  Like he77 I was going to have a mess in / around the bed. 

Multiple causes that results in the same f-ed up destination.  Mercy sakes this is a club nobody should be in.  Known many folks with the 1000 yard stare. The ones that were vets would always ask was if I served.  As they say "don't shake the net", never did, figured that attempting to savvy and just be "there" at the moment was something.  Maybe that's from Dad, a brother, a cousin, a grandpappy, who served.  Sometimes, I'd buy them a coffee and just sit with them.  Drinking coffee.  No conversation needed. 

PC I figured that adding to someone's load isn't a good thing.  I mean, same boat and all.  Right? 

Wishing you and yours all the best.  Go enjoy your grandkids, ok? You deserve it.

AphoticAtramentous,

Interesting screen name. 

Just adding on to this: everyone has different tolerances for pain, injury, and stress. Often times it is not something that can be controlled. It depends on so many factors, such as our age, what external support we have or lack, the stress we already hold, etc. Imagine a 5 year old who comes across a territorial barking dog, compared to a 24 year old. For the 24 year old, it's nothing but a barking dog. But for the 5 year old, that event alone can be quite stressful and scary, especially if nobody is around to comfort them.

Very true.  as a wee one, recently hatched, annndddd no more mother was around. Unknown if I was with same care-giver till I was placed at 9 months or not.  Closed adoption.  It counts. 

Trauma is SO much more complex than just what type of abuse one went through. I know many folks presume that physical or sexual abuse to be the worst kind, but I've heard stories from those who have experienced all kinds of abuse, and some actually reckon that the emotional abuse was the worst for them. And that is something I think I can relate to as well. Objectively it is incomparable. It really comes down to the individual and how their brain responded. All types of stress and trauma should be treated seriously. 

Generally speaking, most folks that went through adoption, trauma.  The survival fear, you know?  As a wee one, how in the blazes is a baby is supposed to deal with that? 

I certainly can't judge that logic, especially since it worked! Life always feels so incredibly daunting, this immovable mountain that we dread to climb. But don't forget the breaks we must allow ourselves in between the steps we take. Life isn't a race. You can allow yourself a moment to sit down sometimes, not give up necessarily, but just give yourself time to catch your breath.

I've rested off an on through my life.  I'm currently healing.  The hobbies are currently more than enough along with being in uni.

Wishing you all the best

7-15-2024

The question circled back around again.  What do I owe to "society"?  Does "society" owe me?

What is "society" anyway?  the definition goes like this "the community of people living in a particular country or region and having shared customs, laws, and organizations".

 So what is community?  the definition is "Social unit of human organisms who share common values".

A Social unit is : a unit (such as an individual, a family, or a group) of a society." 

I'm struck by how circular the reasoning is.  Am I missing something here?  Maybe it will make sense after a dram or 3.  Yeesh. 

Could be wrong here, but isn't there supposed to be a fair exchange between the singular person and society (multiple people)?  What happens when that is no longer the case?  When the {I use this term loosely} benefits don't match the contribution to society?  I'm a dude so getting the short end of the stick is what I grew up with. 

Now though... feels like I'm expected to keep on keeping on so I can be a good little replaceable carbon based revenue unit. 

I'm not anti-social.  Just picky on who I allow into the inner circle.  I don't have ill will towards other people, the person is smart and decent, generally speaking.  Get a group of them together though it's a different ball of wax. 

Then again I've always felt like a stranger in a strange land.  Lot's of things I don't grep. 

Hopefully soon, I'll come to a conclusion on how reciprocal it actually is twixt me and society.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

July 22 2024

Home after the shift and fussing with the post office.  Today wasn't "bad".  Was some good stuff in it as well.  Created an account with them to have the informed delivery.  They scan all mail anyway so it's not like it's a "thing" that cost untold millions to implement.   I do the pen pal thing in IRL.  Actual snail mail letters.  I do have to say my longhand is better now then it was as a child.  Have a few international pen pals and the informed delivery thing indicated that a letter came in from one of my international pen pals on Sat.  Wasn't there on Sat.  Figured that maybe the place that scans stuff is at a sorting center not the local post office.  Checked today.  Still not there.  Sigh.  Waited in line to talk to a clerk.  Take a guess how that went.  You only get 1 chance though. 

With the differing mail processes in various places.. Sometimes it will take 6 weeks (one way) or longer to have letters get to where they need to go.  Is frustrating because it's a letter from a pen friend that I hadn't heard from in a long while. 

Before I logged in here, hit the "dashboard" for mail and in little bitty letters at the bottom of the page under each image there is a check box and the text "I didn't receive this" 

I really don't know what is happening with USPS.  All I can say is after all the "modernization" it's not what it once was. I remember when the post master of a post office like "knew" what was going on. The clerks same thing.  Now? ... (razz-berries)

I know it's a minor thing.  It just hit weird.  You know?

Wishing all here all the best

7-23-2024

The clarity I'm seeking isn't here yet.  I wonder if my expectation of clarity on the reciprocity of the current social contract that I'm currently aware of is a bridge to far right now.  I really don't know at the moment.  I don't think that I have rose colored glasses on concerning the past.  It's possible.  Yet, the feeling? the splinter in the mind, that it's not balanced persists.

I've let it lie for now with the idea that perhaps one day the clarity will come.

Wishing you all the best.

Hi StartingHealing,
Clarity is a difficult thing to find, I think.  But I very much hope that you are able to experience clarity one day, as you hope you will.

I have also noticed that snail mail seems to be taking longer than it used to do.  It's frustrating when you're waiting for something - I hope that you get your mail from your pen-pals soon.

Hope  :)

07-24-2024

Hope67,
The letter showed yesterday :).  It's really cool since the letter is from S.E. Asia.  Depending on where the mail is going / coming from, there has been "issues" with various sorting centers.

The clarity may come.  It may not.  It's one of those things.  So much has become clear yet there appears that there is so much more to come into focus. 

Some of what has gotten into focus is the chinks in my armor that the loose cannon was able to exploit.  Also, the MO of loose cannon. There has been some very interesting nuggets from a FB group of BPD abuse survivors.

Some insights have been coming about the reality that exists on the ground in the country in which I currently reside.  That has been brutal in all honesty. So much smoke and mirrors.  One has to wonder who is profiting from the continued propaganda ...

Wishing all here all the best.

27 July 2024

I believe that I'm well on my way to complete indifference to the former spouse.  Am still in process of cleaning up digital archives, and cleaning up the email accounts that I had used for the legal proceedings and I was able to get through the email accounts, saving certain items on a dedicated external hard drives {This is more for a just in case of future foolishness on the former spouses part.} deleting the emails, and also being able to go through more pictures and de-duplicating them and deleting certain ones as well.  No lie the heart rate did go up a little but I didn't go full triggered in both occurrences.  Didn't need a dram, didn't need chocolate, didn't need to overeat {still re-learning body sensations related to that} didn't need ______ after.  A few belly breaths and I was good. 

Yay me!  ;D  It will be glorious indeed when that day comes where I can truthfully state: " oh her?  yeah she's someone I used to know"

Wishing all here, all the best

29 July 2024

Over the weekend I re-read the majority of the posts I had done on a forum for folks that are / were dealing with people with personality disorders.  In various capacities. Family, co-worker, SO, etc.  Wasn't like I had intended to do it.  One of those things that just happened. 

I really need to come up with a non cursing way to make an exclamatory statement...

It was surreal.  So surreal that I double checked to see if that account hadn't gotten cracked.  I remember posting on that forum, being emotionally wound tighter than a 2$ watch, and then while reading the words that I had put there, punch! right in the solar plexus.

Mercy, it was like a totally different person had written them.  The pain, the hurt, the seeking, the hunting for an answer, the slow realization that he/me was a typical human in regards to love, respect, reciprocity and the supposed life partner was nowhere near that. 

What I read also ties into some old journals that I found while cleaning out a storage box.  A pair of Mead 5 subject notebooks.  One circa 2012, and one circa 2015. I glanced through them and the same surreal feelings. There will be a pyre for those in the near future.  The pain, the hurt, the seeking, the hunting for an answer, seeking solace in spirituality, the doubts that how could it all be his fault? The cycle of it all that kept repeating, over and over.  Like a nightmare Ground Hog day (the movie) where when it reset, it kept increasingly became worse and worse over time.

Then the me now, recognizing on reflection how far back the abuse went.  The questioning of why so long until the going separate ways. There were exit points from the relationship prior to the one that was taken.  What the he77 was going on in my thinking meat to have not taken them? 

Would I like to have an SO?  That could be a good thing.  At the same time though I'm not looking.  I could go deep into the risks / rewards calculations, however, sufficient to say that the current situation I see in the dating market at this time, the math don't math. Not even on a casual basis.  Maybe one day in the future, in a different locale that has a different culture.

Need to go do other things. 

Wishing all here all the best.

 

Hi StartingHealing,
I related to what you said about it feeling surreal to re-read things you'd written - i.e. I have felt that way when re-reading things that I've written too. 

I am happy to hear that your letter from S.E. Asia arrived - that is cool.   :)

Hope  :)

StartingHealing, I also resonate with re-reading old things and noticing a difference. 

Hope67,

It really is cool.  I'm digging the snail mail pen pal thing.  It sure is a trip to read things I wrote in the past.  :aaauuugh:  Hard to maintain that I was doing the best that I could at the time.  Now, holy %hit, the naivete, the blindness to the manipulations (all forms) that the former spouse was running, (insert favorite cussing phrase here).  You know? 

I know that my pendulum has swung really hard one way, yet at the same time, if a person believes the statistics, I think it's warranted because there are more of those running loose in society!  I've had more than enough of all that BS.  Soooooo, best defense is to not be there. 

rainydiary,

Seriously, what a mind job, you know?   

1 Aug 2024

Where the did the year go?  Man, time flies. 

Over the last few days I have obtained more clarity on the reciprocity twixt me and "society" and there are some bitter pills there.  Nah, I'd rather objectively know what the real situation is even if it breaks prior assumptions that I've had than to be walking around with rose colored glasses on. 

Listened to a lot of podcasts and there was one where the idea that a country could also be abusive was floated out there along with the why are you staying in the country where you were born?  The combo really struck me. If I'm in a abusive relationship with the country / state, why am I staying in it?  How much of what I believe isn't based on objective facts but rather the propaganda that I was force fed as a child?

Taking the rhetoric out of it, what are the actual behaviors not of the front line individual that is the interface for the national / state government through it's tentacles that have grown till it's almost 1/2 of the GDP?   How much of what I do on the daily is done because it's codes of behavior that are enforced with the threat of deadly force?  Whether that force is physical or financial?   

Why is the idea that there might be a place somewhere in the world that would treat me better seemingly so foreign?  What is the malfunction in the logic? 

I don't mind paying for things via taxes.  The stick in my craw is that I have no say in where those monies go after they are collected from me via the threat of deadly force.  That there is a bureaucratic system that has no oversight, that has no responsibility to the citizens, that can make decisions arbitrarily and can completely fubar me.  One would think that it would be a good idea for a government to be for the safety and welfare of it's citizens, yet looking at the results, I've concluded that isn't the case.

Plus, to me it seems to be a bully not only internationally but also domestically.  I've never liked bullies.

I'm not blaming the individuals, however, after experiencing several take overs where I work, I think that just like company culture which is those unwritten rules of conduct that permeates, there is the same process in the bureaucracy. 

I don't know at the moment where all this will lead me.  I mean I'm a contributing member of society, I'm putting in more than I'm using, yet I'm the reviled replaceable carbon based revenue unit?  *.  I need to start considering what it would take for me to go to where I'm treated better. 

Wishing all here all the best. 

4th Aug 2024

Thoughts on things:

As the scales have fallen off my eyes, I'm seeing more and more propaganda that has been intentionally embedded into the environment in which I currently live. That rubs my rhubarb the wrong way. 

Is the change of locale and being exposed to different cultures and environments is the trigger for the personal growth that traveling internationally provides?

Here is a question, is it a conspiracy if certain groups are out to manipulate you into a particular point of view?  If certain groups are actively pumping out propaganda to influence the people in the society in which I live, which is a historical fact, is that now a conspiracy? There is a certain 3 letter agency that has admitted to certain activities in the realms of not only propaganda but also in the support of certain ideologies that have proven very damaging to the very population that supposedly their mission was to protect.  Make that make sense please.

What about the proven censorship on the majority of social media platforms?  Isn't that a type of control mechanism on the free exchange of ideas?  Facts? Perspectives? I am not talking about pathological discourse obviously.  Yet simple basic facts are not only hotly debated, many times the discussion gets censored because it doesn't follow the agenda of the month. 

If a person decides to follow a path of action that isn't endorsed by the powers that be, and mentions it on any of the current typical social media platforms, then those people who have chosen that path are publicly demonized and shamed by the converts that have drank the kool-aid.  The question becomes why the fervor?  Why the extreme reactions from certain quarters?

 I do not know if using mind virus is a good way of describing it, or if there is another term that would be a better descriptor.  NPC's?  Brainwashed?  Is a puzzle. ???   Considering that words no matter the form mean something.  That they are not small mouth sounds used to fill the audio space.  Written symbols that is called writing, both audio and visual symbols, those mean something, there is expression of intent, emotion, thinking, yet to me it seems that this, what is taken for granted, has been weaponized against me in an attempt to manipulate me into taking actions that are ultimately not in my own self best interest that somewhere, somehow, another entity or group benefits from it. 

Perhaps I'm developing an adversarial mind set.  The type that doesn't accept XYZ at face value. I've done that before and have paid a heavy price in time, failure, soul wounds.  Stick a fork in me, because I'm done.  One size does not fit all when it comes to mental, emotional, spiritual health.  The idea that a one size fits all is also a control.  Viewed from the vantage of biology, the wiring is different.  How can an approach for one set of wiring be successful with a different set?  :blink: 

Wishing all here all the best.

StartingHealing, I am resonating with you on how I can't believe it is August.  This year has felt exceptionally fast to me.

I also relate to questioning and feeling a lot of things about things we are told in a culture/society versus the reality of it.  I also feel like I am becoming more agitated about that.

Quote from: rainydiary on August 06, 2024, 08:27:36 PMStartingHealing, I am resonating with you on how I can't believe it is August.  This year has felt exceptionally fast to me.

I also relate to questioning and feeling a lot of things about things we are told in a culture/society versus the reality of it.  I also feel like I am becoming more agitated about that.

rainydiary,

I don't know for certain however it seems to me that as we do the work on healing, we work our way out of the mind jobs we were subject to.  With that comes a more objective view of not only ourselves but also of the environment in which we live.  Plus, as we heal, we have more energy to notice things and our brain is re-wiring along with it.  Developing boundaries, and the being protective of same plays into it as well.

As I have worked on myself, and found the areas in me that were chinks in my armor that the former spouse { definitely has a personality disorder } was able to use as a threat vector to manipulate me not only at the beginning, then the patterns of her abusive behavior, and how she manipulated me to a point where I let it continue leading to 25 years of the worse h377 I've ever been through.  I will die on the hill of "never again" no person, organization, whatever, I refuse.  there are things that I do that I do because I am currently forced to because of the threat of lethal force from certain powers that be.  Usually associated with either state or national bureaucratic organizations.  However, with having an objective assessment of the reality I find myself in, now I can plan accordingly. 

To that end I have canceled streaming services, put in ad blockers on browsers, got extremely picky on what I do watch / read, considering employing a vpn,  have started to look into options I have regarding financial matters and along with that possibilities of not remaining in country.  Not well heeled as it were, yet there has got to be something I can do to be able to go to a place where I'm treated best.  The trends that I am aware of, highly unlikely that they will stop or reverse course, unless something really bad happens.  To many entitled ideologs spouting nonsense at the top of their lungs, trying to increase the numbers of their particular cult.

Wishing you all the best

Aug 16 2024

Ohhh, the spiral turns again.  Peeling another layer off. Less hurt this time.  More anger.  Feeling that I have been manipulated into getting the short end of the stick on so many areas.  This feeling has also grown to encompass the financial system of the country in which I live.  How can they un-print all the money that they created out of nothing?  Also trying to get a rough idea on my path forward trying to get an idea of which direction to go. 

Wishing here all the best.

as we heal, we have more energy to notice things and our brain is re-wiring along with it.  Developing boundaries, and the being protective of same plays into it as well.


[/quote]

I related to what you wrote here, StartingHealing - I've also noticed this since beginning to re-wire my brain. 

Sending you support as you peel off layers and experience more of your feelings.  Wishing you support with this.

Hope  :)

(I was attempting to quote you - but think I missed out the right thing to do it properly - sorry!)

Thank you Hope.  Appreciate it.

Another day, a nice gentle rain happened overnight, cleared the air, the leaves are somehow a more vibrate green when walking the doggo this AM.  The cycle of weather continues, I hope that this is a indication of how this monsoon season will go.  Need the rain, getting it slowly is good, softening the ground, allowing the water to soak in, instead of sealing off and having floods. 

Anger, frustration is running high, memories of 5hit skipping through the mental landscape, sub-routines seeking commonalities, pattern pattern where is the pattern, changing the pattern I must for never again, never again.  That hill that I have planted my flag on and will die defending.

Then I have found out that my personally identifying information has been compromised in the NPD data breach.  Judas.  I'm putting the link to the site where people can check here:  https://npd.pentester.com/  For those who see this, please pass it along.  Take the steps needed to protect yourself. 

Fer f-cks sake.

Sigh

Wishing all here, all the best.

20 Aug 2024

Last couple of days been .. good and yet at same time, meh.  Work, school, walk doggo, from my own perspective it's soooo much better than when I was dealing with the abuse streaming from a person with BPD +.  I think there is a + because of her genetic history.  I get that she has her own version of he77 that she's living through.  That still don't excuse the vile actions that she did all the while saying that she not only loved me but was in love with me.  More manipulation.  Anger rolling under the surface at the moment.  Another layer of it.  Pretty certain there will also be a layer of hurt under the layer of anger.

Lots of thoughts zipping around. The big thing I think is being "stuck".  That feeling of stuckness.  Clarity of steps to take ... not there yet.  Got some mind map apps installed, need to start messing with them.  Find the one that is the simplest to use, maybe that's not it either.  I wonder if there is a 3d type of application... Tried hand drawing things out, didn't go to good. 

Debating on going on a rant.. Maybe I need to go touch grass more than just walking my doggo every day.  Maybe I should attempt to find some sort of video entertainment to watch.  Will say that currently, hyper aware of manipulation / persuasion embedded into a lot of the environment which I find myself in. 

Blagh, not getting no traction at the moment.

Wishing all here, all the best.

Quote from: StartingHealing on August 18, 2024, 03:46:50 PMAnother day, a nice gentle rain happened overnight, cleared the air, the leaves are somehow a more vibrate green when walking the doggo this AM.  The cycle of weather continues, I hope that this is a indication of how this monsoon season will go.  Need the rain, getting it slowly is good, softening the ground, allowing the water to soak in, instead of sealing off and having floods.

That gentle kind of rain is soo nice, I absolutely love the smell of the grass and trees after a rain like that. And yes, like a lot of things, having a balance is important - water to keep the plants happy and fed, but not so much that they drown in the soil.

Quote from: StartingHealing on August 21, 2024, 12:23:11 AMI get that she has her own version of he77 that she's living through.  That still don't excuse the vile actions that she did...

Hear, hear.

Sending you well wishes in return, StartingHealing.

Regards,
Aphotic.

AphoticAtramentous
Indeed, the smells after a rain are wonderful.  Where I am currently, the soil has a lot of clay in it which is good for water retention if the rain falls gently.  If the rain falls hard and fast the clay seals off and floods result.  I'm thinking that living for a while in a place with more water generally speaking would be a good thing for me.  Have always had a 'thing' for seashores.  Which is weird because I was land locked growing up. And I have a density issue.  I don't float, even in sea water.  Makes things... interesting. 

Me wetware has been bringing forth memories of things past, unrelated except for the emotional content, the sticky icky thread that connects these ghosts of the past.  Realized even more chinks in the armor that was exploited.  Hm, thought occurred, if "typical" people that are on their square can get snookered into the BPD he77 relationship, and spend years there, then what does that imply about me?  I know I had {stuff} from the circumstances around my formative years, which perhaps allowed a greater attack surface and yet, here are these "typical" folks going through the same 5hit?  Perhaps I'm not as jacked up as I have been led to believe.  Another area I have considered is that at the point where I came to the realization that the former had BPD, there was co-dependent traits I had.  the question is now did I have those traits prior to the relationship or did they develop due to the conditions I was in as a attempt at maintaining the relationship? 

Generally speaking, I'm a independent cuss. Family members opinions never really had a impact on me as a child.  However, I can see that with the love bombing / glamour at the beginning of the relationship that opened up a vector that she exploited.  Even at the point of her attempting to refresh the love bombing.. like when i had the flu, There was also something inside that had me looking askance at it because somehow I could tell that it wasn't "real" that it was something that would then be used against me. 

Hm.. much to consider.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

Quick note..

languaging and how humans use symbology as a map to the real and confuse the map as the real.  As the quote goes "the word isn't the thing".   How much does this contribute to what I've been through / am going through?

25 Aug 2024

I think that as a general rule I store emotions in my back and shoulders.  Considering the amount of crapola that I've been through, no surprise that as I am healing up they be a hurtin'.  Hurting at times where silent tears do fall occasionally. Also not lost on me is the allegory.. Hurting back, getting stabbed in the back, betrayal.  That's a pretty good shorthand for what happened relationship wise with the former spouse, 1st mother, 2cd mother, (she was desirous that I turn my back on my true nature)   

I think that perhaps after the degree is obtained I'll do some micro-dosing or perhaps a heroic dose. Kick neurogenesis - neuroregeneration into gear and obtain some re-formatting.  That is the basic idea of why humans lose a lot of childhood memories because the neural nets get disrupted. Then the question, the d-mnable question of who I am without _________________?  For me lots of identity built on the events that I have been through and the labels of such events.  If the memories of these events become disrupted, who am I?  Or with the help of the plant teachers if I see myself from a different perspective? Hm, perhaps micro-dosing would be of benefit now?   

The word isn't the thing.  Pinging across my mental screen.  The word isn't the thing. Perhaps this is the same quandary others have fallen into. I have chased word definitions until ultimately they come back to the original word. Ahh english. Even among languages of the world it's jacked up.  How many words sound the same?  Yet have different meanings? morning vs mourning.  Which meaning gets transmitted? The former or the latter? 

Language use impacts me.  there was a time where I repeated to myself that I am a survivor, multiple times a day, for I think it was two months or more, that did bring me into a survivor mind set.  Lots more confidence in self and abilities.  Lots more trust in self. How to go from survivor to a$$ kicker? (chuckle) Perhaps not those words exactly  ;)     

Am doing something different to forestall the doing the same thing but expect different results besides uni.  I hope that what I am doing at one point could be turned into a book, 1st of a series, that I can self publish for extra coin.  Draw upon the thousands upon thousands of books that I read.  Was usual for me to go through 3 -4 books a week, every week. By 4th grade I had read every book in the school library.  Usually was reading them concurrently. the book for the bus ride to school, the book for the bus ride home, the book for after homework, the book for the weekends, the book for when the family was watching t.v. usually in the 300 - 500 page range. 

Other things need attention.  Ending for now.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.
 

27 Aug 2024

Had an interesting experience last night that showed me a few things.  the restaurant where my daughter works comped her a birthday dinner which after discussion she decided on doing last night since today is one of her days off work. Since I have vacation days to burn I took today off as well figuring that would be a good thing since the usual sleep schedule would be knocked cattywampus. 

 I had never been there before, and it was in a part of town that I usually don't go to.  then the dining was a experience as well.  Fantastic food, cocktails that were really really good (included in the comp), wait staff attentive without being hovering, really a good experience all round. Not used to that level of fine dining at all. Not to mention that the staff knew my daughter and it was such a relief? to see how much the other employees cared for and liked her. As 'dad' that really was a good thing to witness. 

 The nervousness? anxiety? some d-mn thing like that was trying to have me get all worked up over what ultimately turned out to be very small things.  First was the dress code which I don't have much in the way of business casual to formal attire.  What I did wear turned out to be sufficient. Was able to pull off a golf look.  The GPS guidance was funky.. ended up parking in a spot that I had to walk to the restaurant(less than 5 minutes), and the terrain wasn't updated in the GPS mapping on my mobile.  Come to find out that the complex in which the restaurant is located has it's own parking and to access it you have to turn in a driveway that the only sign is for valet service.  Yeesh. Trying to remember where I parked and the landmarks I passed going to the place and then retracing my steps (had gifts in the trunk of my car for my kiddo) didn't pin where I parked in the map / gps app in my mobile.. yeah

Was in a heightened state from leaving my casa to the time that I returned some 5 - 5.5 hours later.  Being at a heightened state in expectation of good things is a usual thing right?   It took a couple more hours after getting back until my back unknotted to a point where I could go to sleep. Muscles were so tight that stretches etc barely made a dent.  Had to wait it out.  Objectively speaking retroactively there wasn't anything about last night that was such to elicit such a response.  I don't know what the f.  I don't at the moment.  I remember pre former spouse that experiences like that.. Going to a new place, different food, picking a road to just see where it went,  all of that I relished.  It was fun for me.  Now?  I don't know if subconsciously the threat detection sub-routine was cranking in high gear, or if there were some sort of expectations I put on myself, or what. 

It was a great experience overall.  I'm saddened that I couldn't settle into the moment and have enjoyed it more.  Maybe my responses are typical for what I've been through in regards of the events I've been through and where I'm at in my healing journey. 

Wishing all here, all the best.

Hey StartingHealing, how unfortunate it is that our anxieties aim to tarnish these experiences. I hope that maybe with enough recognition of "Hey, I was so worried about X and Y, but X and Y were actually fine!" we might learn to relax for future occasions. I suppose that's the thing about a lot of new experiences, they're unknown and that unknown is what makes us go into assuming the worst. But for every experience we endure, we build up our own mental tolerance. So I want to commend that you went there in the first place and encouraged that experience.

I'm glad the dining experience was pleasant though.

Wishing you well in turn.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Aphotic,

Thank you for the kind words. IDK it wasn't that at least consciously I was expecting the worse. It was ... a weird a$$ mix of an expectation (don't want to be late) knowing that I'm capable.  I mean the things I have pulled off / survived is actually stunning when I think about it.  Some situations, totally on me.  Others, wasn't on me at all.  More of the adults did certain actions and I was caught in the consequences.

 Been wondering about the 'as the tree grows'.  It makes sense to a certain point but it also ignores that inner something that most things have that pushes healing and wholeness.  Yes, scars are part and parcel and the scars to me are the lessons learned from going through those experiences. 

 I'm starting to consider that perhaps there is a tie in to something back in childhood with 'getting lost / care giver lost me'.  This is all conjecture on my part because from birth till 9 months old is a black hole of info.  Feeling wise, momma was 'lost'.  I know that in the long term arc of my history I obviously survived, yet communicating that to the preverbal aspect of self, how is that accomplished? 

I wonder if due to the former spouses consistent expression of her madness if all of that got twisted round into something that I'm dealing with today. I suspect that it is actually that.

I think I need to start cultivating contacts for certain plant teachers.  I also need to start digging in and finding a informed hypnotherapist.  Not interested in past lives (yes that is possible with hypnotherapy) more interested if that inner something can be reached and triggered? negotiated with? to release healing at all levels.  Multiple rituals going to be happening here. 

 
Wishing all here, all the best

Sept 3, 2024

Been wondering about a lot of different things of late.  The 'past' is one of them.  Where is what of the 'past' that has such a hold on me?  Worse than a gator with lock jaw.  Is it the emotional charge that maintains it?  Where are memories stored anyhow?  Are memories only a pattern of brain neurons firing together?  Are they stored in the body in some manner?  Or are they stuck somewhere else because consciousness is a non-local phenomenon as being suggested by them quantum physics folks? or is it D. All the above?

Could it also be the point of view in which the memories are viewed that maintains the emotional charge?  I have read up on hypnosis and one way that a hypnotherapist helps drain the emotional charge is to suggest that the color of that snap shot of the past drains away, and the snap shot is now only black and white.  I know for me, because of the preverbal events I went through, as I was able to change my POV on them, the emotional charge also changed.  For some reason I have a tendency to minimize my achievements.  Considering the cohort, I'm not in jail, yeah, addicted to caffeine and nicotine but nothing else, stable employment, stable friends, enjoy things, there is areas that are funky which I wonder how much of that is being driven by the crazy that modernity is.  When I stop and consider .. how many bureaucratic systems do I interact with on the daily?  this also feeds back into the question I had a while back of the reciprocity twixt me and 'society'. 

It's kinda strange to think about all the people that I'm dependent on for my daily life that I have no idea who they are.  Water, sewer, electric, food, fuel, payroll, banking, like that ain't normal considering the arc of history.

Other things need to be done so will end here.

Wishing all here all the best.   

Sept 7 2024

Swung by here, don't know why.  Nothing 'bad', no stuff going on that I'm aware of.  At least consciously.  It's the weekend.  Waiting for laundry to finish.  had a good walk with my doggo this AM.  Had good food, ice water (yeah I'm one of those folks  ;) ) coffee, ahhh what a wonderful brew. Slept well. have $ in pocket and bank, debating on opening the bag of unreal snicker candy bar clone.  Dark chocolate, no where near as sweet as snickers, highly addictive actually.  Have a acid jazz channel streaming music and things are pretty good at the moment.  I am grateful for this space.  I am grateful for all the brave souls here. 

Wishing all here, all the best

Sept 15 2024

*?  Weird fecal matter going on the last few days.  ghosts of memories past have been coming up over the last couple of days.  Plus I'm fighting myself on doing the classwork for the class I'm in.  Ugh, the provided material ssssssuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkksssssss.  I'm not the brightest crayon but I'm no slouch either, and the material is very frustrating. 

the ghosts of memories past, people, places, situations, yeah really odd in that it's not ... I have yet to discern commonalities twixt them.  Even on a emotional level, unless it's a general shedding of the past that I've been packing unknowingly.  Or is there some other level of common crapola tween it? 

Weird things like the dentist that the parents took me to.  The first chiropractor I ever went to. A flash of a 'good' time with the former spouse, an experience with one of the older folks that were around when I was growing up, being on a motorcycle and all the poop went away and I was there in the moment. 

Perhaps it's also a symptom that I'm changing into another phase of my experience here in this realm.  Rolling from one vibration level into a higher one, and to do that, wouldn't the past, which doesn't exist except in memory, which what the he77 is memory anyway? need to be shed like a snake shedding it's skin? 

My mentor has told me that generally speaking, when someone comes to mind that is spirit doing it for their benefit since the protocol is to "send" them strength, courage, peace or whatever 'fits' at the moment.  Then you can tell that thought to get out of the thinking meat.  I've been doing the same thing with the ghosts of memories past that have been coming to call of late.

Somehow or the other, I'll get through. 

Wishing all here, all the best. 

09/23/2024

Listening to Sleep Token track Granite.  Nuggets of memory bubble to the surface of my awareness, I seek amongst them one of, even a meh memory, rather than the bubbling of hurt/anger/powerlessness.  At the moment tis something to accept for I know if I engage that will trigger a reinforcement, and there will be more of it.  I know there is a mental illness / personality disorder there and yet, and yet, the desire rises to be the fly on the wall when she gets her comeuppance along with a twinge of helping karma to find it's target.  Meanwhile, recognizing that she literally is creating her own * on this plane and I don't what to be anywhere close when it does hit the fan or rather it is more like a very slow and tedious collapse.

I admit that there are vast assumptions on my part in regards to this in regards what is considered to be 'good' and 'not good'.  I'm using what I have found to be the human positive basis.  Maslow's hierarchy plus the knowledge of what folks need on a social level. 

the feeling of being 'taken advantage' of is still something that I wrestle with.  Plus the rest of the emotional load from that period in my life.  Yes, the past tense is intentional.  I've learned that for me, I'm better on my square with keeping things in a chronological order.  Past is gone, Future not yet here.  I have to remind myself that the moment I am in is the only point of power that exists.

09-27-2024

Musings with coffee:

Well now.  The heat has returned.  Along with it something blew in and I can feel it in my sinuses.  Guess that means I need to increase my iodine intake.  Found out that at a certain level, the human body will place iodine in the mucus membranes to help with preventing infections of most types.  I remember growing up having really bad allergies.  I wonder if the allergies were from my immune system being hyperactive or if it had to do with the emotional load I was carrying at the time.  Probably a bit of both.  Been trying to keep myself away from the binary black-white paradigm.  I've realized that on pretty much everything it's a billion shades of grey.  Which leads me to consider the ying/yang symbol as well. The seed of the opposite is contained within.  Which also leads me to think about a zen insight. "before enlightenment I chopped wood and carried water.  After enlightenment I chop wood and carry water.

I know that healing isn't a lineal process and yet, at times, when I'm not on my square, it appears that I have always been on that path.  It's weird how my sense of time is so variable.  Or is that a good thing?  I really don't know.

29 Sept 2024

Been wrestling with a question.  I know the answer is there somewhere.  Just can't put a finger on it yet.  Course the question is a slippery one, falls outside the binary this or that paradigm.  Noticed that in my life up till recent, having ambiguous situations were really a thorn in my side, even now, I would prefer to have things cut and dried and yet that doesn't seem to be the way of things.  Then thoughts of taking action that could resolve the situation(s) occur yet I know that those actions would bring a huge negative karmic debt.  Trusting in the universe to handle things.. perhaps that is a lesson I need to learn.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best.

SH,

The grey area. It's where true wisdom lies, but it sure would be nice to have black and white answers. Yes or no. Blue or Red. High or low.

In a spiritual sense, I've learned that having the answers stops the quest, and true wisdom is in accepting the grey area and allowing ourselves to wonder how to best answer the question, rather than just know what the "right" answer or the "wrong" answer is: What is the answer that works for me today? How badly do I need an answer? Am I allowed to change my mind later?  (That's why I don't have any tattoos. I'm one who ALWAYS changes my mind later, and I feel afraid I'll get a tattoo that I like today and will want to change to something else tomorrow).

I'm one who goes into decision paralysis very quickly. I'm remodeling a bathroom right now. More like restoring it. It's 35 years old and has survived toddlers, teens, and adults. I've almost got it completely gutted and now I need to choose colors, flooring, a toilet from THOUSANDS of options. Do I replace the tub or spruce up the old one? How long will I keep this house? 35 years and counting, but I don't need to move, so how long will I need this bathroom to be in "sellable" condition if I put the house on the market? What colors? What level of quality to I settle on?  Know that as I reach this point where I now have to choose the colors, flooring and fixtures, I'm getting stressed. What if I choose wrong? What if I change my mind tomorrow? ARGH!!!!!!! I wish there was just one answer, so I don't have to feel responsible if I make the wrong choice.

Asian restaurants with pages and pages of menu items are paralyzing for me. I finally have to ask my wife what she's having so I can order what she's having and give myself a break.

When have I said too much? When have I not said enough? When am I as happy as I can get? Do I keep spending resources on therapy? What will I do if T retires? He's 75.

When am I being good to myself and not hurting others? Can I have what I want and not hurt anyone by getting it? Should I compromise and live how people want me to live, or should I go for the gold and get what I want, others be dammed?

None of these have a right or wrong answer. When I think of the difference between grey area, and black/white thinking, I think of the difference between mathematical minds and artistic minds. People who LOVE math, often tell me it is because Math has absolute answers. 2+2 is always 4 in their world. They find peace in that. It comforts them to feel that much rigid control.  However, I have more of an artist's brain. I see beauty in the times when 2+2 isn't sure what it sums up to. If three people are together, two are blond and two are female. that's 2 blonds + 2 females = 3 people. That messes with the order of things for math hounds. For me it excites all the possibilities of how many different numbers 2+2 can really equal.

For me, sometimes ambiguity really stresses me out as I'm looking for "the right answer". Other times, I enjoy the ambiguity for its ability to allow expression.

Our human personalities are not perfect. When math is used to create AI voices, or AI music, or even just digitalized music, it loses, for me, it's human touch. When humans play instruments, sing songs, write novels, they make subtle mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are so subtle our subconscious catches it but our conscious minds don't. Those are the times we feel like the music is "warm."  When the same song is done on a digital software program, and EVERY note is EXACTLY timed and tuned perfectly, that song sounds "cold". Same song. Same instrument sounds. One is warm, one is cold. The difference is the flaws and ambiguity in the human generated sounds.

Ambiguity, I guess, is part and parcel of the human experience. Some days I hate it, other days I feel like it gives us the right to do things in custom ways.

Like usual, I go down deep when I start thinking about stuff. Talk about ambiguity...when do I stop writing and hit the Post button?

Hi PC!

I'm kinda torn on the whole answer(s) thing you know?  I've been changing to solution. A solution for now may not be the solution for some point in the future.  Ran across some interviews by Thomas Sowell.  Man, talk about some next level stuff.. I think I'll have to start getting his books and other media that is available. Very approachable writer. The clip of the interview I saw was about trade-offs and how there isn't a singular answer that us having gone through the public edumication process have been trained into believing exists. 

For me, I guess I'm kinda "out there" spiritually because at one time, I was deeply, perhaps saying obsessed would be better, in finding "answers".  Makes sense in retrospect.  Considering that finding the 'answer' to why I went through what I went through as a wee babe.  Plus that also led me to being the boy scouts, boy scout.  Whatever the situation could be, I had a plan. I was prepared.  It was a method for me to have some sense of locus of control.  Then, once I had gotten to where I could shamanically journey,  that desire to have {the answer} went away.  Have you ever heard the zen saying "when the student is ready, the teacher appears"?  For me finally getting solid with that if I am open to it, the universe (et. al) will provide a teacher, a solution, when I need it.  Not before.  Would be nice to have it before. Chuckle.  One thing I did learn, very painful lesson, is that yes you can change your mind later.  If I had allowed that then I wouldn't have spent so long in the hades that was a relationship with a BPD. 

Indeed, a tattoo isn't something to be taken lightly.  I have one and I have designs for a coverup for it.  when I think about the cost, pain, etc.  my rational comes out.  That's a pair of tires, pair of struts, 1/2 the grocery budget for a month.  Maybe one day, if I'm to have a coverup then everything will align and it will be easily accomplished.

PC as someone who spent a fair amount of years in construction, let me see if I can help you out.  Don't do the "trendy" things because in 5 years the trend changes unless you are figuring on doing it again that soon.  What attributes are you looking for?  Durability?  Easy cleaning?  Ease of maintenance?  Comfort?  Is it a one butt bathroom or two?  Space and budget will be your major constraints, with the other attributes being added to the stack.

Then there are some approaches that you can take to get to a solution that is the best possible for you and your specific needs for you and your wife. 

Plus you can do things that open things up for changes down the road.  As an example.  If floor and fixtures /cabinets are a neutral color, then for color, area rugs, towels, wall art, wall paint.  Want to change the feel of the space, then no big deal, change the add-ons, put a new coat of paint on.   

What I've noticed is as my thinking goes to solution based, I've found it lots easier to let the natural creativity come through.  Plus it keeps me out of the mind set of seeking an "authorities" approval.

Math is math.  There is a lot of math in music, it's just hidden really well.  The things that I've found with math folks is that they are firmly in the paradigm of binary, singular perspective rather than multiple perspective.  Some I know that are nice folks generally.  It's just how their expression is this go round. They have their lane and most are perfectly happy staying in it. 

I listen to a ton of music.  Some artists pre-digital and some post digital.  To me, once you take out the analog portion AKA human then you get the cold, sterile, crapola.  We are analog beings, living in a analog world, and folks somehow has forgotten that due to indoctrination / propaganda. (that is a rabbit hole worth looking into in my opinion)  Analog doesn't have the binary of digital, there is a multitude of states between the poles of off and on.  The ambiguity, the analog.  that's why vacuum tube amplifiers sound way better than digital amps.  It's all those wonderful in-between states that lead to harmonics being produced, all the different frequencies that interact to create overtones, undertones, all contained within a single note that does have a mathematic expression contained within it that is also related to the golden ratio.  I'm not saying that math is the end all be all.  I'm saying that math can sometimes provide insights into the analog that we inhabit.  It's that interaction that resonates with us analog beings.

If you really want to bend an understanding of the world, there have been tests done measuring nerve impulses from people's hands to the brain.   I'd have to dig to find the study.  I know it's been published.  What they found is that at the exact moment the nerves for touch were triggered in the hand, the brain was reacting to it.  Nerve impulses move pretty quick but not that quick. So somehow in this analog realm, our sensation of touch is based on a time shift a few micro seconds in the future. 

Restaurants? If I've never been there before, then me being there is a test to see if I'll put them on the list to come back to.  Comparison test if you will.  Since it's a comparison test, I'll order a dish that I like at a different restaurant and see what happens.  Since I'm comparing say thai to thai or tex-mex to tex-mex, there isn't a "wrong" result, just a result that I prefer for my own self.  Been to high end (2 star Michelin) and the local family hole in the wall places.  I like what I like and there isn't anything bad about that.  I like certain things that so called "authorities" may not. (Movie Critics as an example)  Why should I accept some jokers opinion and value it higher than my own?    Yes, there are "specialists" and they may know a great deal more than I in certain areas.  that doesn't mean that they are "right" "correct" or their words to be taken as the absolute in any manner.  They ain't living my life. 

Wishing you and yours all the best PC.
   

SH,

You're offering good advice on two important levels. The first being that sometimes I remember that the answer isn't the goal. Obsessing over "the answer" stops the creative flow of learning. It laser focuses us onto a pinpoint location, which blinds us to all the joy and freedom of the surrounding activities. The Zen saying, "When the student is ready the teacher appears" has proven itself true a thousand times in my lifetime, and yet, it's so easy to forget that and find myself down another rabbit hole trying too hard to fix that one detail that I am suddenly obsessed over. I have to stop believing the world can be perfect. It can't. Evil lives codependently with Love. It's a teeter-totter with courage as the fulcrum. Physical needs are on one side, spiritual needs on the other. Finding balance is done by simply letting go and letting the teachers teach me. It takes incredible courage to admit to my vulnerabilities and to allow fate to have its way with me. Our teachers have proven they will teach when I'm ready. It's mankind's physical survivalist nature + childhood rearing trying to convince us that perfection is the goal = Forgetting to just let go of the reigns and observe and learn and try to have a little fun between the lessons.

Secondly, Thanks for the bathroom remodel ideas. making sure I go for neutral colors and easily changeable flooring and wainscoting is super good information. I'm researching toilets for which one is the best for easy to clean, comfortable, and not prone to clogging. I'm looking at the Kohler Gleam right now. It's affordable, large, boasts a very strong flushing system, and has broad sides. To be clear, I don't mind cleaning the insides of toilets. I just use rubber gloves and wipe it down with disinfectants. It's all those angles underneath down to the floor that I HATE cleaning. The broad sides of the Gleam are like wiping down the door of a car. Anyway, just like with my tattoo fears, I don't want to do anything trendy unless it's something easily changed in 5 years. Paint color. Even certain types of flooring can be changed pretty quickly these days.

Anyway. Thanks for reminding me to let go of my need to find "THEE answer."  I have times when I'm aware of how pointless that is, but then, like I say, I sometimes find myself forgetting that. When I'm halfway down another pointless rabbit hole. Or stressing too much over something I have no control over.

Sometimes I draw a taget. Three circles. It's from Stephen Covey's Circle of Influence. In the bull's eye, I write things I worry about that I have full control over: Diet. Exercise. Being nice to neighbors. Etc. In the next larger circle, I write the things I'm worried about that I have influence over, but not direct control: Eating to hopefully avoid cancer and diabetes, etc; Trying to help a friend who may or may not be open to help. Voting. Stuff like that. In the outer circle I write the things that are bothering me which I have ZERO control over but am legitimately concerned with: World hunger. The eventual fall of Democracy. Climate Change. Taxes. Inflation. Hurricanes. Wildfires.

Once I've identified all the chaotic components of everything that's bogging me down with worry, I can more clearly see which ones to worry about and which to just sort of shrug and let go of. I have control over my bathroom remodel. My eating habits. My daily exercise. How I treat my wife and children and friends... So that's where I can put my focus today. I can't control the upcoming election, so why bother worrying about it until it happens?  This same exercise can be done with the Serenity Prayer: "Help me to focus on the courage to change things I can change, the ability to accept what I can't change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

One of the main routes to peace is accepting what is out of my control while changing what is my responsibility to change. According to many spiritual leaders throughout human history, Love is the only thing that matters. So, if I can just feel my love for everyone, peace starts to fill me from the inside.

I don't mean to hijack your journal. I just really liked what you said about letting go of needing THE ANSWER and resting a bit to allow the teachers to come when I'm ready to learn.

Be well,
PC.

I recently directly experienced that Zen saying. It blew me away... still does. And tonight she reminded me that when I doubt about something, I "can" ask the Universe for help. And oddly, it ALWAYS responds.

Hi Chart!  I know right? For me though, I have to ask specifically.  To me it's like pendulum work which is helpful in forcing asking good questions. You have 3 answers. Yes, No, Maybe. Leads to some really good questions.

Hi PC!
No worries about a "hijack" or anything.  Community you know?  To help and be helped, yeah? 

Maybe I'm off the beam here.  I think the cultural obsession with "the answer" started back with Newton.  Clockwork universe concept and then the Reductio ad absurdum that has pushed the ever narrowing field of focus of a singular subject to a point where the big picture is lost.  Personally I think this was by design because it helped push the industrial revolution.  Here we are on the wonderfully made planet in the middle of the goldilocks zone, orbiting the sun at 1,598,878,595 miles an hour while the sun is orbiting the Milky Way center at 137 miles per second.  That means that the Earth doesn't have a flat orbit in space, it's a freaking spiral. As above so below right?  I've noticed that situations in my life follow the spiral pattern. Once I learn all the lessons which changes as my spiral passes through, daggum those situations fall away. 

Spiritual vs Physical to me is a false, dare I say, engineered dichotomy. I get the separation of church and state because in the past the church was the state and it was a huge mess.  Yes there are times that certain physical things are undertaken to bring awareness of the other side into regular consciousness. Think the spirit walks of indigenous peoples.  Personally, my thing is to integrate both sides of this because it's only a continuum. Spirit is energy and matter is energy that's really really slow. 

 As far as perfection goes.  What is the standard that is held up for comparison? Who has defined that? Is that term being used as a crowbar to push a certain pattern of behavior?   My friend, I believe that we have been indoctrinated and propagandized at least since the beginning of the modern advertisement age. I'm sure it goes back even further.  Simple experiment.  Watch an advert with the sound off.  What are the images portraying?  Then watch the same advert with your eyes closed.  What are the spoken words portraying?  propaganda and influence are on the same spectrum differing only by degree. 

Public school as an example of indoctrination. Learn this stuff that will not be helpful to you as an adult. Work on this subject until the bell rings for the next class.  Forget about that work and focus instead on this other subject. Cannot have students further along being in the same class as you. There are levels of authority that can get you in 'trouble' for whatever reason. Then there is lunch period. Then once home there is 'home work' to cram more word salad into your brain.  Doesn't that sound like being a corporate drone?  It should because the whole system was designed by Rockefeller to turn out replaceable carbon based revenue units to work in the factories.  Compare that to the one room school house or the family dynamic pre mandated edumication. In the mandated setting students are taught what to think and in the other situations they are taught how to think for themselves.

I do not bear anyone any ill will. Is that the 'love' spoken of in the traditions?   That said there are people who I will not associate with.  Because they are not a match to me energetically.  Is that somehow a negative thing?  Depends on which story you are using to define positive and negative.  Learned that the hard way as well.  I have the birthright as a child of the universe to have my preferences.  Another lesson that I learned the hard way. I harm no one with my preferences.  I've also found that just because some joker doesn't like my preferences eh, no biggie.  Isn't odd how many other folks want to control all the people they come into contact with? I think that is a thing now days. 

Good!  Glad to hear that you went with the easy clean and roomy stool!  I hear you about cleaning all those stinking nooks and crannies.  Or shower heads.  The water out here is really hard. I've seen some 30% vinegar at a big box store that I'm thinking about getting to dissolve the mineral build up on the shower head without having to resort to something like CLR. I bet it would work good on cleaning the nooks and crannies of the stool as well.  That's me being a small part in influencing the bigger picture.  That brings to mind that maybe doing some research into home cleaning methods of the past would be a good thing.  Shoot fire, if that can help me get away from whatever they shove into xyz home cleaning products??  None of that stuff has been tested as far as non- reactivity with other products.. just saying. 

Wishing you all the best PC.

10-7-2024

had an interesting and concerning conversation a couple of days ago with my mentor.  Now due to decisions in one of the children's choice of a SO, which based on the descriptions provided has BPD, my mentor is seriously considering that the solution is to move multiple states away due to all the typical behaviors of someone wBPD.  I recognize that they are more than capable of fending for themselves.  Yet.  I do care for them, they have become as family to me.  This caused me to look into what is findable on the open internet in regards to how much of the general population has a personality disorder.  Oy! that was a rabbit hole.  Generally speaking it's 15%.  15 people out of 100.  Sheesh  :aaauuugh:

I'm starting to seriously consider that something in modernity is driving this. 

Wishing all here, all the best

10-11-2024

Ran across something about corona ejection events from the sun and how that affects us emotionally, mentally, and even physically.  I know that doesn't really fit into the narrative that us humans are somehow above the influence of nature yet we have been shown time and time again that isn't the case.

 I wonder if Robert E Howard (the genius behind Conan the Barbarian) exposition through the character of Conan is something to be considered.  Conan stated that "barbarism is humanities natural state".  There are many things in modernity that are super duper convenient.  Like I texted my brother from another mother the other day and he's currently overseas unbeknownst to me, and the frickin text went through. Had a text convo.  That's some infrastructure there you know? The ability to access the information that's available on the internet?  Dude! 

 For human health and wellness though... Maybe I see it different because I grew up pre digital revolution on a farm.  there wasn't the level of sickness back then that there is now.  I know the cope is the supposed better diagnostics, medical and mental health has progressed forward.  But has it really?   To me I see more pills being marketed to manage, not cure mind you, manage xyz symptoms.  Add in the shifting definitions of words (which is totally intentional) yeah. We've "progressed"  ??? A line from a Ozzy Osbourne song keeps echoing, going forward in reverse.  Totally fits Orwell's concept of 1984 newspeak. 

No concern for long term impacts from weird chemicals in the food, pesticides that are killing off the bees, microplastics accumulating in the reproductive organs of all species, yet the hooting and hollering about this long term disaster that's looming in 100 years because of xyz which doesn't hold up to the evidence that is available soooo just another money grab. 

I have thought that for a long time what I see in the modern day is broken.  It's not broken it's doing exactly what it was designed to do.  Inflation is stealing purchasing power, the average person in the country where I live is on some sort of prescription to the tune of 60% roughly, the same bozos are on the boards of both food companies and pharmaceutical companies.  Like.. (insert fav cuss phrase here) Same folks on the boards of big oil and big plastic. 

Meanwhile, personal responsibility and personal liberty have been curtailed over the years all in the name of (we have to save ______ or that's so unfair ______ or we have to protect _______)   All psychological tricks to allow certain groups of people more control.  To me it's no wonder why the average joe is having emotional / mental distress.  I think all the current factors have converged to where the new dream is to leave such modernity and go to places in the world where the reach of modern feces doesn't reach / very slight influence.

sigh.

Wishing all here all the best

 

13 Oct 2024

My Doggo is going through some stuff. I really don't know what to make of it.  It's like he gets scared but instead of wanting to curl up next to me, he wants to stand on me.  He's not a lightweight either.  I got some of the calming pheromones, one that is like one of those scent plug in's, a pump spray and even a aroma therapy spray.  The hood is quiet.  Can't get a bead on correlation / causation.  Like I really don't know.  He has full range of the place, doggie door to go into the fenced back yard, After the move to the new place, this behavior lessened a great deal.  I figured that he was picking up on all the negativity that the former spouse was puking.  Sigh.  Days get rough when he decides to wake me up multiple times a night.  Maybe my google-fu will turn something up. 

Wishing all here all the best

10-16-2024

Doggo has settled down.  Did get some pheromone based and essential oils doggo chill spray.  I've tried many different 'treats' for chilling out a doggo.  The stinker will not eat em.. Blach. 

The onion has started to peel again.  More old stuff coming out.  Another of the passes through this spiral.

Wishing all here all the best

Oct 18 2024

Deep Purple's song smoke on the water is bouncing around the thinking meat at the moment.  Weather has changed a bit.  Might get some rain today which would be a good thing.  Normally this area is dry like in the 15-20% range for humidity, gets worse when the rains don't come.  I hope that the winter season will bring some. 

Back is better, still flares from time to time.  Been noticing that it even flares if I have a bit too much to eat as well.  Maybe the subconscious has decided that I need a negative reinforcement to get me heading in a better direction.  Have to say that quality organic fair trade chocolate is a weakness of mine.  Found a middle ground I think.  It's like a snickers bar w/o all the sugar.  Since I have been out of the fog on relationships with those with a personality disorder, that process has all been going on with the situation that I find myself in.  There are times that.. well, I feel as if those institutions I trusted betrayed me.  Food, health care, banking, gooberment.  Milk you get from a store ain't milk outta the cow, same with other food products.  I need to change my eating some anyhow.  What's the saying?  Oh yeah, it's 80% diet and 20% exercise.  Back to the 80/20 rule aka the Pareto principle. Chlorine in drinking water is bad enough but to add a non-natural form of fluoride that has been proven to be not good for any living beings health? Stopping here, if I continue I'll be going down another rabbit hole which is actually legit.  No theories about it. 

Wishing all here, all the best

Yeah I hear ya. Eating better is NOT easy...

Indeed Chart.

Been looking into the paleo - keto - carnivore and what has really sprang out at me is that change in peoples mental state.  Yes, I know that it's all anecdotal but holy smokes, when you drill down into it, what isn't?  Folks with severe stuff like schizophrenia, DID, etc, get better.  Not to mention the mass of people that have self reported that mood, outlook, less anxiety, all better.  Couple's trying to conceive including IVF, and change the eats and wham.. I think there is something to this.  I know that when I go heavy on carbs, the mood the next day is poopy. Have more aches / pains which it seems that carbs trigger a inflammation response on a body wide scale.  What's that doing to my thinking meat? 

Been through several changes in what I ate over the years.  There for a while because the former spouse pushed it, vegan, then modified vegan, then typical stuff, then keto (which she gained weight on because she would mindlessly eat in front of the TV.  And not like jerky or chittlen's, her fav was heavenly hunks a soft cookie, 1 piece was like 250 calories, a bag was like 50 of them, at times she'd eat the entire bag)   While I lost weight on keto, felt pretty good overall when I was doing it.  I think of what I would typically eat on the farm and it was high fat medium protein and minimal carbs.  I think I'll see if I can do that again.  Have to say that evening is when my carb desire comes on strong.  May have to tweak things to fit what the body needs.  Why not?  Have to say, seeing guys in their 50's look like their in their 30's?  And I've found out about some other things that I didn't know about before like oxolates, which drive a lot of bad things in the human body and they come from plants and they also build up in the body.  Man, so yeah, food pyramid, bogus, totally industry driven propaganda.  I've known for a while now to not trust them gooberment types but (insert favorite cussword here)!  This week is a pay week and usually go shopping.. Time to lay in some different eats and see how I do. 

Wishing all here all the best

Dollyvee's journal reminded me about fish oils. Bought tons of fish yesterday. Ate smoked trout for dinner. My inguinal hernia gave a sigh of relief. :)

I started keto 7 years ago. I did it to control my diabetes. At the time I was type 2 and got off all meds and insulin. 

I lost over 100 lbs and my depression all but disappeared. 

I have since been diagnosed as type 1. I currently eat carnivore and keep my sugar in the normal range. 

The mental health benefits are amazing. I still have a lot of trauma to navigate, but severe depression is not part of it. Yes I get depressed and anxious still, but it is not lasting. 

I would recommend  Brain Energy by Christopher M. Palmer. The book explains the connection between mental health and diet. 

Thanks L2N!
I quickly found this on YouTube but haven't watched it yet... tonight...
https://youtu.be/IrPtrDLvfEQ?si=kv6kxaXSkFdOdV9M

Chart, Little2Nothing,

Isn't it amazing the link between gut and brain?  I've been looking into this guy Dr. Jack Kurse.  Really going into some additional areas like the link of sunlight and gut and brain.  DHA, iodine, EMF, circadian rhythm.  A lot ties into what carnivores, paleo and keto reports as well.  Been thinking about it and before former spouse my typical was higher fat and protein and not much carbs.  Hmm, I wonder if my exposure to a carb addict over the years pushed me into being one as well.  No lie, I do have a tooth for good chocolate. Which also now is iffy because of the oxalates.  I have learned to stay the (insert fav cuss word here) away from seed oils.  Tropical oils if needed is ok.  There is a butcher shop pretty close to work.  Pasture raised and then corn finished.  Plus need to get a air fryer apparently. 

I'm definitely wayyyyy better than I was a year ago let alone 2 years ago.  Trying to piece it together, you know?

Wishing all here all the best. 

Quote from: StartingHealing on October 23, 2024, 10:30:59 PMI'm definitely wayyyyy better than I was a year ago let alone 2 years ago.  Trying to piece it together, you know?
 

Very nice to hear that!!!
Heck, finally developmental trauma only takes two, three, (seven?) years to get ovrr, eh!?
:))

Chart,

Wee bit confused.  By developmental trauma are you talking like childhood or the 1/4 century I spent with the former spouse?  Or perhaps both? 

I've done the genetic genealogy and pieced some stuff together and I can say now that the relation(feces) with the former spouse was me, finally closing that pattern.  Oh yeah, genetic mother -> 2cd mother -> former spouse.  (insert cuss word here) est thing, with just the data off ancestry whooo, added to the info I got personally from surviving members of genetic mom's family, not. good. at. all. Lots o' fecal matter of the self destructive kind. Nope, not in contact with them.  Kinda expected you know.  A walking, talking, skeleton from a particular closet. Using ancestry was able to track down some 1/2 siblings on genetic fathers side.  Sent letters etc.  figured it would be easier on everybody.  Yeah, same thing.  Lots of parental alienation there.  Since genetic father ... old term was "a rolling stone". Ahem. 

Really weird to me even now.  two married people, not to each other, and here I am.  Collateral from the so called adults decisions.  Sometimes I wonder about how the idea that we go through what we go through because of some soul level contract / soul learning thing.  I also wonder about like the idea of past life stuff and this one is balancing the scales for a previous one.  Both in some ways are victim blaming in my opinion.

Have you heard of Shawn Ryan?  Former military and a 3 letter agency operative.  PTSD, functional alcoholic, .. and he's stated on his podcast/streaming channels that certain psychedelics, and he was able to (in his words that I've cleaned up) "remove his brain case from his rectum".  Ron White the comedian has done soul vine, Soooo maybe in a year or 3, I can have an experience with a plant teacher that will result in me being fully mended not just functional.  That I imagine would be really really good.

Wishing all here, all the best.

26 Oct 2024

Busy day yesterday.  Had run here to do that and then run there to do this and it's all ok.  Been pecking away at a college course and me noggin .. I know I will get it, it's getting there.. you know?  Spent 45 min to a hour on it so far today. Less call of nature break.  I think I'll go shopping.  There is a natural grocer that has pasture fed / finished meats.  Need to lay in some I reckon.  Nah, the commercial stuff.. hard pass.  I also think they carry raw milk as well.  that would be good. 

Me peepers been bothering me.  Need to get in to a place and get the Rx checked.  The rest of the poop.. eh don't care because most of what comes outta their mouth is an attempt to scare me into things and nah, they can piss off.  +

Have some UV block over glasses coming along with a tri-field meter.  Gonna get myself learned up and start taking some steps to reduce my emf / magnetic field /rf exposure. 

Wishing all here all the best

What's the uv block for? Screens? Me too my eyes are going south...

Quote from: Chart on October 27, 2024, 04:52:08 AMWhat's the uv block for? Screens? Me too my eyes are going south...

The glasses I have to wear for work don't have any of the good stuff applied to them.  No UV block, near uv block, no anti-glare, etc.  Depending on the day I may only look at a screen at work for a couple of hours distributed, other days it's the entire shift.  Then the TV which also throws a tremendous amount of blue light, mobile device, and then also working on school work which requires a screen for that as well. 

Yes, the blue light emitted by screens messes with ya.  It sends a signal to the brain that it's like noon. That will mess with sleep. 

Also found out that ivermectin has potential for controlling / removing clumps of unregulated cells that grow without limit. In humans and doggies.  Need to get some, somehow, for my doggo.  Skin stuff and with the possible of side effects as low as they are, with the possible benefit of taking care of that.. yeah. Personally with the track record it has for safety.. why does us humans need a Rx to get it? 

Wishing all here all the best.

Thanks SH. I'm gonna get an appointment with the eye doctor before I have to buy a cane. Looked up ivermectin. Good to know about. Prescriptions = control. Control = money. But I'm lecturing to the academy...
:)

Quote from: Chart on October 30, 2024, 05:22:54 AMThanks SH. I'm gonna get an appointment with the eye doctor before I have to buy a cane. Looked up ivermectin. Good to know about. Prescriptions = control. Control = money. But I'm lecturing to the academy...
:)

Indeed.  control and more control.  I get the thing concerning safety.  However... Looking at the track record of FDA  approval, yeah.  (insert cuss word here) 'em!  The number of people that have died from a "medication" / "treatment" .. I don't understand why the general public has the level of trust that it does with the entire so called medical system (including big pharma)  the lockdowns have brought that down some.  Hard to imagine that in the USA on average 700,000 people die every year from the medical / big pharma.   Another thing that I have looked at is the profit model of certain industries. That explains sooooo much.

Wishing all here all the best

Nov 4 2024
something has come to the fore, which is thusly:  I want to stay in this realm for as long as I can. The second part is that while the "job" current or future is a means to pay the obligations, I'm not really seeing a 'mission' there.  Like what is a over-arching 'thing' that I should be working towards? On? or Maybe I'm not explaining it well.  Another splinter in the mind to work on.

Wishing all here all the best.   

11-7-2024

I'm really really concerned about society at the moment.  Like what is going on with some people?  I knew that there was a certain cohort of people in the USA that have 'issues' but holy crap you know?  What is so freaking triggering?  Man, with what I've been hearing.. I'm starting to get concerned about my personal safety.  I'm really seriously considering of acquiring something that perhaps isn't lethal but something.

Gummy bear gun? Distract them?  ;D

I hear you. It is concerning and disturbing and shocking

Gummy bear gun!?! Does that exist? Where can I get one?
:)

Armee,
If you find a link or some lead on something that throws gummy bears (which kind tho?  The normal ones or the 'special' kind?) let me know. 

Seriously though, what I've been seeing and hearing it appears to me like cult members refusing to be deprogrammed.  Definitely folks who do not unplug and go touch grass.  Or is it personality disordered people finally revealing themselves?  Some of it reminds me of the former spouse's behavior.  Been a while since my threat radar for external avenues has been this spun up. You know the hair on the back of the neck level stuff.  I know the stats aren't good in the gen pop of the USA as far as "issues" either personality wise or other disorders.  I take the those stats with a large grain of salt tho.  Take into account the profit motive of big pharma and big therapy and how the narrative has been crafted in modernity?  Numbers don't lie but liars can do statistics. I'm a hard skeptic when it comes to any narrative anymore.

If I could, I would like to be in a rural farming / ranching area or at least in a area that has a bit better grasp on basic facts, better tethered to the real. You know?  Thankfully, the 'hood where I'm located is working class, lots of trades.  Even so.  I think I'll definitely be looking at some sort of something for self protection at a distance.  Along with training to get 'good' at it.

Wishing all here all the best.

Quote from: StartingHealing on November 08, 2024, 05:26:56 PMNumbers don't lie but liars can do statistics. I'm a hard skeptic when it comes to any narrative anymore.

So absolutely true. I wish we didn't have to doubt the validity of everything these days but alas. :disappear:

Regards,
Aphotic.

Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on November 09, 2024, 12:37:17 AM

Quote from: StartingHealing on November 08, 2024, 05:26:56 PMNumbers don't lie but liars can do statistics. I'm a hard skeptic when it comes to any narrative anymore.

So absolutely true. I wish we didn't have to doubt the validity of everything these days but alas. :disappear:

Regards,
Aphotic.

AphoticAtramentous,

Indeed.  Personally I look at motives when I'm evaluating information and where that info is coming from.  The typical fame, money, power, clout, social cred, etc.  Doesn't hurt that I'm the sort to seek out whats behind the curtain as it were.  The lockdowns were a hard trigger for me.  Especially since the data coming out about that whole mess is like..  :fallingbricks:   For me, if people that have acted in illegal ways were outed and held accountable, my trust would be somewhat restored with the various institutions of current year.  With some glaring exceptions like legacy media, most social media, still haven't made up my mind about X though.  I think that in the arc of history, the gen pop of the USA have been propagandized to a point where it's become so painfully obvious that more and more folks are finally starting to see through the BS.  Or is that me hoping against hope?   ???

Wishing all here all the best

11-11-2024

Been lets see about 2 weeks since I started on dirty carnivore.  There are times that a wee bit o carb, and that tooth will not shut up until I have a bit.  Definitely has reset the taste buds though.  Things like raisins at one point wasn't that "sweet" to me and now ... mouth almost puckers from the sweet. Like weekend breakfasts which was 1st breakfast on the farm. 2 piece toast where it's soggy with butter, 2 sausage patties (small) per piece with 2 fried in butter eggs.  That will currently run me most of the day.  Start getting peckish round 5 or so.  No crash, no hunger pangs, Brain steady, been noticing that I want to move more and when I do it's easier and way less recoup time after.  Went on walk with the doggo and bar napkin figuring did about 1 1/4 mile in about a hour, maybe a tickle over.  We were covering some ground there, you know? 

Radar is still higher than usual.  I know that I'm on a list somewhere.  I can not, not be just based on the creators I listen to, orgs that I used to be a member of, some orgs that I have donated to, passport, and IDK why the thought of getting something in case of and that whole background check crap has always given me pause for some reason.  Now though.. eh (insert cuss word here) 'em!

Wishing all here all the best

15 Nov 2024

Weighed myself today and shoot fire! the waist band is smaller.  ;D   I'm not working on losing weight for vanity sake, it's for my own well being.  Have noticed that I have less swelling and can move way easier and I physically feel better, no carb spike / crash and my thinking is clear.  Another thing I've noticed is that the emotional landscape has also settled out. 

That said, my radar is still running high.  I know that much of what is on social media is bs, seeking the clicks, the likes, all that garbage, however, I'm seeing more reports of violence being done.  Not the typical crime related stuff which is common in and around large metropolises. Rather it appears that a certain cohort of people that doesn't usually engage in such is committing these acts.

It's weird.  Growing up in the blast radius of a military target if some nation state chucked a medium sized nuke at it, till now.  I think that I'd rather be back then since at least then it seemed that society  generally speaking was 'safer' than current year.  There wasn't social media, people were more connected to reality.

Need to go do other things now.

Wishing all here all the best

 :thumbup:
 :hug:

16 Nov 2024

Had an interesting conversation with some folks that were having a yard sale.  Got into the realm of comparison of the new to old.  I think that as a society there has been a lot that has been lost.  There are some things about current year that is nice.  The other stuff ... I could do the laundry list but I won't.  Generally speaking though, things generally made more sense in the past.  At least in my opinion.  Some where along the line, I got out "out of step" with modernity and it's a bit wonky with me attempting to navigate this weird --- world that I find myself in. 

Other things require my attention.

Wishing all here all the best 

SH,

I'm out of step with the modern world also. I was forced to retire in 2020 during COVID. I've been trying to figure out retirement ever since. I basically grew up believing I knew how the world worked, only to retire at 60 in a world I don't even recognize.

I don't believe it's us. I believe it is the world. Chaos and danger is rising faster than I can fathom.

Wishing you all the best in return.
PC

Quote from: Papa Coco on November 17, 2024, 12:21:04 AMSH,

I'm out of step with the modern world also. I was forced to retire in 2020 during COVID. I've been trying to figure out retirement ever since. I basically grew up believing I knew how the world worked, only to retire at 60 in a world I don't even recognize.

I don't believe it's us. I believe it is the world. Chaos and danger is rising faster than I can fathom.

Wishing you all the best in return.
PC

Hi PC. 

I had a whole rant written up and realized that it wouldn't be helpful. getting red-pilled about the former spouse opened the gate to a lot of other areas that I'm now getting red-pilled in. 

Yeah, I'd like to return to the time where going and touching grass on the daily was common, that basic facts of life were a given, and believe it or not in my opinion folks were one whale of a lot more community minded. At least in my neck of the woods.

wishing all here all the best
       

   

SH,

So true. No doubt today's rise in anxiety and mental health issues correlates closely to the same rapid uptick in technology and social media.

When my son was in 28-day rehab, I could visit him on Sundays for up to 4 hours. The rule was NO CELL PHONES on the property. I was to lock my cell phone into my car. I would then spend the next four hours without it. We'd have two hours of presentations by the staff, telling us what to expect when our loved ones finish their 28 days, then we'd have two more hours of recess with our loved ones. This facility had a small, wooded area that people could smoke in. My son smoked, as did almost everyone in the facility, so we would stand at the side of this creek, in these woods (like 20 feet of woods) with highways and parking lots all around it. We'd talk. We'd stop and just look around. We'd pluck a twig and fiddle with it. We'd talk some more. Time was slow. Stress levels were nonexistent. It reminded me of my entire life pre-cell phone. Wonderful. Slower. Quieter. Calmer. My son was young, so I had to share with him "This is what life used to feel like all the time." My Gosh. Riding our bikes to the beach and spending an entire day doing nothing but splashing and sunning and buying snacks and meeting a few other kids...a day then felt like a month in today's world.

While it's nice that I'm always in touch now, I truly miss the days when I could leave the house for a walk or bike ride with NO cell phone in my pocket. I leave it home sometimes, but the ship has sailed. I'm addicted. I feel vulnerable out on the beach alone with no phone. So, I shrug and keep it in my pocket all day long. Stressing me out. Like any addiction, I guess.

When I was growing up, my dad refused to wear a watch. He used to say that the watch was controlling him and making the day go too fast. He preferred to have a general idea of what time it was by the sun's position or whatever, rather than have that watch telling him how many seconds it is to this or that. I now feel the same way about cell phones. I carry it. I hate missing texts from my wife or kids. So I carry it begrudgingly, while sincerely missing the slower, more human life we used to live when we had to talk to people face to face.

Ive told EVERYBODY in my family, ex-wife included, that my youngest (and last) child will not have a internet-connected smartphone until she is 18. If they give her one and she brings it to my house I will smash it to oblivion. During my week with my daughter we cook, make cakes and cookies, play games (the latest is marble solitaire) and I've started reading her the Narnia chronicles by CS Lewis. Once per week we watch something on the television, but since the tv is not connected to the network we usually watch an old Monty Python episode that I have on dvd.

After three kids I finally understood and found the courage to follow my conscience without caving in to foo and society BS. I swallowed the red pill about a year ago. Can't say things are easier, quite the contrary, but I sure am proud of myself, and my daughter is doing great.

When my kids were young we didn't have a television. We spent time olaying games and reading. 

It wasn't until they were in their teens that we got a TV. It was not a good choice. 

My grandkids are all glued to their devices. They have no concept of imagination, running outside and playing for hours. They have no innocence or real wonder about life or nature. 

They know things that, at their age, they shouldn't. They grow up too fast and haven't the maturity needed to navigate what they've been exposed to. 

Children should explore, laugh and know how to live without stress. 

Hi PC, Chart, and Little2Nothing :)

PC, I feel you, them (insert favorite cuss phrase(s) here) devices.. I 'get' the safety aspects, I "get" being able to be reached at any time by family.  I'm seriously thinking of getting a dumb phone as my daily.  Texting is cool and all but crapola it's turned into like work email.  Us critters are analog by nature, digital isn't within the wheel house, you know?  Idea for you.  Get a Faraday bag or bags and that cuts all communication from reaching that device.  I'm sure that certain companies are wondering what in blazes is going on with my current device. Anyway, have a hour or two, no devices, no computers, nada nothing. Remember that the behavior of the device is programmed to make you addicted. 

Chart, good for you!  As a possible, there is some good family entertainment if you go back a ways.  The Swiss Family Robinson was a movie and they did decent with the adaptation. This was done.. in the 60's I think.   The Lord of the Rings trilogy(peter jackson did it) is faithful to the source material. The first star wars trilogy. Monty Python tho, is classic.  c.s. lewis could tell a good tale for sure as well as Tolkien. There is all the wizard of oz books.  T.V. was limited viewing when I was growing up (4 channels) and it was in the evening (I was the remote) and shows like Hee Haw or nature on PBS. Then it was off to bed. We would make popcorn and sit and watch for that hour and that was it.

Little2Nothing, Children should explore, laugh and know how to live without stress. 100% agree. Generally speaking the devices have been hyped up and then under performs so terribly. 

You know, there are devices available that when turned on, jams all cellular signals.  Now if that just happened to be in a residence, and just happened to be turned on at appropriate times, {dang, the network is having issues again.. What can we do? Oh I have this game, or lets figure out what we can make with left overs}  Shoot the device could even be put on a timer.  (grin)

Tech like nicotine is addictive.  Gotta take steps, you know?

StartingHealing, I like your deviousness! I will have to look into one. It would be nice to see my grandkids faces instead of the tops of their heads.

Quote from: Little2Nothing on November 19, 2024, 02:11:06 PMStartingHealing, I like your deviousness! I will have to look into one. It would be nice to see my grandkids faces instead of the tops of their heads.

Unplug the wifi router / modem, turn on the cellular jammer, and ... bob's your uncle!  ;D  ;D

There's lots of stuff can do like.. the flour & salt home made play dough, sculpt something and then let it dry, blowing bubbles, making paper mache things like masks that they can paint and wear, paper airplanes and taking them outside to see how far they fly,  what about mixed media art type stuff? Like gluing macaroni to paper and then painting it?  Who can climb a tree?  How many lady bugs can they catch? playing tag? I even made mud pies with my kiddo, quite a few times. Raking up leaves into a pile then jumping in. Oh yeah, blowing up a balloon and seeing how long everybody working together can keep it from touching the ground while it gets bumped from one to the other.  the kicker I think might be attention span on the wee ones.  I've noticed that the younger the folks are the shorter the attention span.

Good luck!

Wishing you and yours all the best

:yeahthat:

20 Nov 2024

What a day.  Unknown reason why last knight was so restless for me.  Up and down, up and down, 2 hour blocks of sleep at the best.  Bleh for today.  Remembered how many times in the past there was sooooo many days like to today.  It happened enough that I figured out how to somehow do a work around, and still be able to get through the day. 

Been focused on letting s go.  Been through some stuff in my time in this realm.  I sometimes still wonder about the 'why' behind why I went through what I went through.  Will be hitting the hay way early tonight.

Wishing all here all the best.

22 Nov 2024

Memories.  What a thing they can be.  I know that I was dealing with a personality disordered person, and yet in the moment, their behaviors towards me were sooooo (insert cuss word here) damaging.  I'm better though.  As I keep doing the work, I'm looking forward to the day where there is no charge left in them.

Now, when certain memories come up I can grin and shake my head at them.  The current one is this:  the former spouse is in the middle of a split, which is where they are going deep deep into the anger, hate, rage being projected outwards.  Standing in the kitchen, she's screaming at me with this.  " I should blow my face off with the shotgun on your birthday so you never forget all the pain that you have put me through." 

Not even going to try to unpack it since the supposed pain was self inflicted.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

I'm working with memories too. I'm finding something like accepting their presence, then actively letting it go, even a little, if possible, is getting me someplace. But I have to do the two, in that order... one without the other, or in reverse order, doesn't action immediate and consistent relief... which is to say, toning down the intensity of the "unwanted" emotion.

Did that make a bit of sense?

Chart,

It does make sense. I once read? heard? somewhere that it's the emotional charge that keeps a memory vivid.  That is why hypnotherapists pull the charge out of a memory so it fades. Which sounds like that is what you are doing. 

There are still times where it really sucks.  To put it mildly.  Now though, when a memory pops up, I can look at it with the knowing I have now, which changes the dynamic.  I don't know if they will ever go away, I mean I have memories back to when I was a little fella.  Good and otherwise.

Now though, I can "see" it differently.  Like the adoptive mom.  there were "issues" that were not acknowledged with her and so, yeah it was crushing at the time, but now, I can see how I was collateral damage. I was caught in the slow motion mess of her life. 

Just like being let go by my biological mother as a just born.  Lot's of issues with her, and yeah, there are still parts that still have a very large tender area around that, and on a biological level there is a yearning for her.  that's the thing, the knowing changes the context which changes the meaning.  Again, I was caught in the waves of her self destructive patterns.

Well, if she hadn't let me go I wouldn't be here in the now that I'm experiencing.  Lots of possibles of a really not good type if I had been kept.  Super-Max, or dead or wet brain or maimed or I might have turned into one of those people in her FOO that kept spreading the self destructive patterns including abuse.

Wishing all here all the best   

26 Nov 2024

Hard to imagine that last year at this time I was moving to the place that I'm at now.  Heard a content creator say something that I can relate to.  "I don't have a home. I have a place where I stay and store stuff until my next operation."  What is "home" anyway?  I'm pretty much already unfettered in regards to things keeping me in the physical location that I currently reside in.  That could be changing as well considering that the property manager and I had a conversation earlier this month in which he expressed that he was going to retire in the coming year.   Lots behind that. The biggest is that his spouse of many years has passed.  I can relate because I too have had very dear person to me pass unexpectedly. Don't know at the moment if he will retire or if he will continue on for a while.  It's starting to look like things are coming together externally for me to take another step. 

Don't know where I'm going to end up.  Will probably stay within the continental US until my doggo crosses the rainbow bridge.  With the election results, I think that is a fairly safe bet for me to take.

I've been led into seeing more things.  I should have been more specific when I asked the Universe to show me what was up.  The personality disordered stuff was the tip of the spear.  Now the insight into many other areas has come on full bore and it doesn't appear to be stopping any time soon. 

Tis sad in a way.  To have the glamour removed and along with it the ideas and concepts that I had been indoctrinated into.. Tis also a bit of anger inducing as well.  I'm certain to recover from it.  At least with an objective take on the current situation(s) I can move accordingly for my own best interests.  Rather than believing some BS thing concocted by orgs that are directly benefiting from me remaining blind to the shenanigans.  As I have been more accepting of that, I'm also more accepting that other people have their own path to take and what they do or don't do, as long as it's contained within their singular purview, has 0 to do with me. 

I've also discovered that it's perfectly ok to have my own preferences and goals in spite of what the hive mind of society is messaging. 

Also been shown in a very large way, How am I going to explain this?  There are folks, like the brave souls here, that continue to push forward towards healing, getting healed, while there are folks that for some reason have bought into the events that have happened and somehow those events have become an identity?   If that makes any sense. 

No lie, there were times in the events that I have went through that it sure did feel personal.  Some of the words and attitudes that were slung my direction from the former spouse... At the time sure felt personal.  Realizing that those words, those actions, would have happened anyway was a huge load off.  If there was a different dude there instead of me, it would have been directed to him rather than me.

Thinking about it, the dude that was there before me got the repeated blasting as well as the dude that's there after me.   A tiger doesn't change it's stripes, you know?  I guess there is a context that I've been able to put the BS in. Compliments of the Universe.

Same with adoption.  The natural born were subject to the same pattern as I did.  I started farther back than them though.  Looking at how the natural born lives have played out it's easy for me to see the where they took it personal and believed certain things.  Not that any of them have had a 'bad' life it's more like they have ended up in the places that their thinking has brought them.  Again, their path, their circus and monkeys.  Not mine.  I also have to option to opt-out of their foolishness. 

With all of this, I've found that I'm far more accepting, much more at peace. Have much more discernment. Which is a good thing.  Surprisingly my interactions with others is different in a good way.  Is it a reflection of the energy I put out?  Or since I have no expectation except for respect does that carry across?  I don't know which of what is the cause.  It's just cool now where before interactions were... I reckon it comes down to the paradox of humans. 

Other items of note.  BP back to low normal which is my normal.  Oxy measurement came in at 98.5 which is also my normal.  Brain clear and the low anxiety that I've had for a really long time has faded. Could be the dirty carnivore, could be finally accepting that I just ain't everyone's cuppa and that's ok, could be that I've finally starting to recognize that the tender spots are not my totality?  Or D all the above.  Chuckle.

Wishing all here, all the best

Totally cool. Can you imagine the day you open your hand and nothing drops out? Maybe it's not so far as once we thought...

Chart, that is the goal isn't it? 

29 Nov 2024

so called black friday which back before the internet was when the sticks and bricks finally got the balance sheet to the positive.  Now?  Who knows.

Still having memories pop up occasionally.  It's alright though.  Seeing them from my current perspective is freeing in so many ways.  During the daily walk of my doggo today I found myself smiling at the holiday decorations that people have put out in celebration of the season.  There was some that I had the thoughts of "That's cool." and I found myself seriously considering getting some sort of decorations for my living space.  I know that there is a huge commercialism associated with the secular approach to the holiday and yet ... The idea of celebration for another year winding down and hope for a new year.  That is something that I can resonate with now. 

When I compare this year to where I was last year on emotional states, even the year before, let alone when I was in the midst of crazy making land, I'm so very much in a better state than I've been in since... Well, childhood?  I would have never figured that here on the back nine of life, I could be where I'm at currently. 

Yes, there are still times that emotions run high for me because of events I went through.  There are times when the Universe has to remind me that I don't want nothing to do with what once was.  Which, no lie, at times is difficult.  Deep wounding you know?  I don't want to do anything that will negatively impact the experience I have now and so as best as I am able I let it go.  It's in the past and I did the best I could at the time.  To judge myself for doing my best I could do as the person I was isn't fair to myself.  If anything it keeps me in that loop of male bovine fecal matter.  I'm tired of that in all honesty.  I will take the lessons learned forward and leave the rest. 

I wish all the brave souls here, all the best.   

 :hug:

It can be nice to reflect on how far things have come. Absolutely, when we are children we never expect that we will achieve a sense of safety or calmness. But yet, you're here now and accomplished so much since childhood. It is nice to be reminded of this myself.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Thank you for the hug Hope.  Appreciate it.

Aphotic, Guess I got lucky as there was lots of pasture that I could roam on as a child.  I'd go out and go to the pond (it only had water for a month or so after the spring / early summer rains) or go to the creek bed and hunt for arrow heads.  Nature, when I was out there, I could for a time feel peace.  There were water spigots around so I could get a drink etc.  I was outside a lot.  I reckon that I did alright.  Kept a family of 4 fed, clothed, roof, cars, 3 multiple state moves (I'm in the USA) in spite of being fought every step of the way by the former spouse.   

Had good news today. My rent $ is going down by 100.  Seems that a tax was removed.  Shocked actually since usual thing is for gooberment to impose a tax and it's there forever.  Not complaining!  I'll take it!  ;D

been thinking about the things I'd like to do before I am ejected from this realm.  Now, there is lots of avenues that I'm starting to be aware of that just might be a means for me to do the stuff I'd like.  I would like to travel to different countries and experience it.  Nah, not the touristy stuff.  The more legit culture instead.  Finish a book I'm working on.  Finish Uni and get that over and did with.  Anyway, I need to go check dinner that's in the oven.

Wishing all here all the best

6 -Dec 2024

Had a conversation the other day. Odd that there were many parallels twixt us.  We both are doing what we can do to get by and maybe it's the season, maybe it's in the zeitgeist right now, lots of old fecal matter being processed along with that the non-truths are being exposed.  It's at time hard as (insert cuss word) to 'see' those people that were in positions of authority over me as flawed humans instead of the all powerful beings that child me thought at the time.  Most, if not all have exited this realm.  Odd in a sense, I still remember those that believed in and encouraged me.  While the ones, shall I say that were phoning it in, I don't recall them as much.  Some of the ones that encouraged me, I did reach out after many a year of being lost, attempting to find self and when I did find the kernel of self, I did reach out and let them know how much they saved me at the time they did.  Some, I found out that they had gone on to their next adventure and even then, I let their family know what a positive impact they had been in my life.  And now on the back 9 as it were of this existence I find myself considering the legacy that I am leaving behind. And perhaps it's my radar that is being overly sensitive, 25 years with a personality disordered individual will do that, yet it seems that the negative behaviors of the former spouse is kind of the norm nowadays out in the wild as it were.  Even not doing anything can lead to issues just because someone makes an unfounded claim all based on that they were feeling a certain kind of way at that time.  You know, that is some scary stuff.

 Our talk drifted into other things and it came back around how sometimes conversations go, and they said that being in a culture that you find comfortable is a worthy goal because being in such a place would remove a great deal of hyper-consciousness about interacting with others in public.  That would allow us to as it was put 'go to the next level'  and if said culture location happened to have more hours of sunlight, and water, because I have never lived somewhere that I was at peace and had water within a short bicycle / car ride away, that could be very good for us both.  We both agreed in many ways modern society has lost it's marbles somewhere along the way.  Logic says that there are pockets in the country that I currently reside in that the local culture would be decent and yet..

IDK  the idea of going somewhere else, different culture / language, going as native as possible, get out from under all the levels of gov with the massive ongoing overreach,  and allow a rebirth from all the old assumptions / old patterns of being.  That is really attractive to me. What I need to live comfortable really isn't that much.  I honestly do not know how it's all going to buff out.  I do know that it will buff out. Even if it feels like the buffing takes a long time, it will eventually buff out. 

I am reminded of times where sitting on the bank of a lake, (pre former spouse) got a line in the water that only had a weight on it.  And simply sitting and enjoying.  Had a fishing license and all but the fishing wasn't the purpose.  Or laying under an old elm tree watching the clouds dance in counterpart to the leaves whispering in the breeze.  Being in a city isn't ... convenience is nice but at what friggen cost???

Nothing will be decided that has been cast into concrete.  Waiting is hard sometimes.  We parted ways and it is so refreshing to have actual face to face communication with another human that isn't playing all those stupid games of modernity.  They enjoyed it as well.  when schedules align, then perhaps another round.  Saddened slightly because that was something that was never there with the former spouse.

Wishing all here all the best

12-10-24
2024 is almost over and 2025 is not yet here.  Walking my doggo this a.m., neighborhood quiet, smells waft on the breeze, memories rise unbidden, some bittersweet, as cut grass, diesel fuel, hot engines, the skunk of cannabis,
the sound of my doggo's paws on the concrete / asphalt, slight squeak from my shoes, far far off road noise, and in that moment, I was content.

Emotions still rise and fall, at times crash, and I remind myself, I am not the person of back then, the past is dust.  Tender areas abound still.  I remind myself yet again, that forcing it does no good.  I fall back into the work, the breathing, the centering and grounding.  And for a moment, a blink of an eye, I am again content.

Wishing all here all the best     

SH

Your walk on the morning of the 10th sounds relaxing. You're right, the past is dust. The future is a guess. Only the present moment is real, and when we can find ourselves enjoying the simplicity of the morning dew, and the doggo's paws and panting, then that's where peace is found. In the moment. What they used to call, stopping to smell the roses.  Or slowing down to hear the music. Take in the moment. Breathe and just be. These are terms I've heard my whole life, and now we've simply updated them to call this "Mindfulness." A new name for an old concept.

One of the great gifts our canine companions offer us. They live in the moment. And they are able to help us to do so with them at walk and play time.

Wishing you the best in return,

Hi StartingHealing,
Your words were so evocative to read - they really created the walk you experienced - I felt as if I was walking there alongside you.  I am glad you were feeling content in the moments of walking.  I like the phrase 'the past is dust'.
Wishing you the best.  :hug:
Hope

Quote from: Papa Coco on December 11, 2024, 11:12:48 PMSH

Your walk on the morning of the 10th sounds relaxing. You're right, the past is dust. The future is a guess. Only the present moment is real, and when we can find ourselves enjoying the simplicity of the morning dew, and the doggo's paws and panting, then that's where peace is found. In the moment. What they used to call, stopping to smell the roses.  Or slowing down to hear the music. Take in the moment. Breathe and just be. These are terms I've heard my whole life, and now we've simply updated them to call this "Mindfulness." A new name for an old concept.

One of the great gifts our canine companions offer us. They live in the moment. And they are able to help us to do so with them at walk and play time.

Wishing you the best in return,

Hi PC  :)

Very true.  Always have had doggos, or rather they have had me. lol  I was once told that doggos do not have a heart chakra because their entire being is heart filled.  and dog is god spelled backwards.  The morning walk is a looked forward to thing by both of us.  I don't know how relaxing it is when we cover just shy of 3 miles in a hour and 1/2... Getting in some cardio.  I let him have his head and he has settled into about 5 different patterns of where he goes usually.  He still will throw a curve every once in awhile.  I admit that walking does clear my head for a good long while. 

Wishing you and yours all the best

Quote from: Hope67 on December 12, 2024, 03:44:45 PMHi StartingHealing,
Your words were so evocative to read - they really created the walk you experienced - I felt as if I was walking there alongside you.  I am glad you were feeling content in the moments of walking.  I like the phrase 'the past is dust'.
Wishing you the best.  :hug:
Hope

Thank you for the hug.  Much appreciated.  Thank you for the kindness shown to my words.  Means a lot. 
Wishing you the best

15 Dec 2024

Weather has changed into the common one for fall.  Surprised at how long I have been here. 2026 will be twenty years. I haven't stayed that long even in the state where I grew up.  Always had an itch to see somewhere other.  Memory playing tricks on my sense of time, expected actually, years spent on the front lines of a personality disordered person messes with things.

Walk this morning, chilly, almost time for muffler, stocking hat, and doggo jacket, ambient noise abounds as people have deployed the fan powered yard figurines for the holiday that is fast approaching. caught myself smiling at some and wondering in which year did I stop doing that?  Working the diaphragm against the pain that arises in my back, getting the parasympathetic to trigger, while my doggo looks at me wondering if I'm ok.  I speak softly, I'm ok buddy lets go.  With that I must run to keep up while he lopes along until a smell grabs his attention and he stops to have his sniff. I know that soon, he will settle into a trot that as long as I can speed walk doesn't fail I can keep up.  A stranger remarks how pretty he is and I thank them for that, they smile a genuine smile, those smiles that reach the eyes,  and wish me a merry Christmas and a happy new year.  I return the good tidings and the sniff done, we continue.  Later an older gentleman, kind, sweet, speaks of his dogs and of the ones he had recently lost, as mine smells his pants drawing deeply the scent of the other dogs.  We shake hands as if we have known each other before, parting ways my dog and I continue on, leaving him in his bittersweet musings. 

My doggo finds a bush in an undeveloped lot which he has determined needs fertilizer, after he is most insistent that he must fluff! throwing plumes of dust skyward, a sneeze, Holding him back I do my best to gather his waste, a body shake and he's off again until another smell draws him in. 

Arriving home spending time petting and loving on him until he gets his fill.  At that moment I am content.

12-17-24

The moon is waning from being full and perhaps? it's that + unknown variables. Seems like for some (insert cuss word(s) here) reason(s) more memories are pushing their way out.  Mixed bag because while dealing with them ssssuuuuccckkkkcks it's good that more of that crapola is coming out.  The spiral has come back around again I guess. Sheesh.. Sometimes, I wonder how many times the spiral is going to come around on this until I will be "done" with it.

Wishing all here all the best 

I wonder the same...how many times till done.

The other benefit besides getting it out that I've noted on my last go around the spiral is these spirals point to what is left needing healing. Handing us a little road map. Road trip bingo?

18 Dec 2024

How freaking weird is this?  Throwing a link here for others.

https://culteducation.com/group/798-abusive-controlling-relationships.html

Who would have thought that cult like behavior was exhibited by people with a personality disorder?  Like * you know?  Goes a long long way to explain many things of why it takes the time it takes when putting one-self back together once free of them (in my case anyway).  Does raise some questions, like what is the difference between cults / religion / leftish ideology?   Also makes me wonder about resistance to that kind of crap going forward.

Wishing all here all the best 

Quote from: Armee on December 17, 2024, 07:13:02 PMI wonder the same...how many times till done.

The other benefit besides getting it out that I've noted on my last go around the spiral is these spirals point to what is left needing healing. Handing us a little road map. Road trip bingo?

Armee,
I would agree that the spiral points to what is left to heal.  Wishing you all the best

SH, Thanks for the vicarious dog walking experience. It's been decades since I've walked a pooch, but your journal brought it all nicely back. Hugs to the four-legged friend too!
 :hug:

26 December 2024

Chart, you are most welcome.

Lots of things trolling through the thinking meat.  Have taken vacation and don't go back to office until the 6th.  Attempting to not place blame on any one thing for the morass that is within.  The season ... not having light is now a thing for me which I don't remember having before which could be from being on mission for so many years of my life.  There was always something or someone that needed attention outside of self that .. perhaps I missed the memo from Pappy on where the balance point is between care of self and care for ________________ is.  Needing to be needed is a powerful thing for a guy.  Being tossed aside as I had been, repeatedly during that time with the personality disordered former spouse, would be tossed aside then taken back up and round and round it would go.  Anger still towards the actions she took.  I've forgiven yet the not forgetting, for I cannot forget the lessons learned for I care too deeply at times for my own good.  Attempting to stay objective on my self assessment of the how I was sucked into that cult of one.  Seems so plain now, so out in the open and yet at the time.. Was it the backwards monkey flips in the bedroom?  Was it the love bombing, was it ??????? I know the pattern, the pattern of my genetic mother, the pattern of the one in the role of mother, the other SO's till 25 years spent.  Saddening, so saddening.  All part of the same pattern.  Which at times scares me fecal matter less.  55 maybe 56 years of life,(depending on end point chosen) my life, being within that pattern.  D--n.  And then recognizing the larger societal patterns that were manufactured that this pattern nestles into.

Currently caught in a loop of what to write here.  Many areas of concern for me to place here and yet at the same time, realizing that most are things that are me wrestling with another red pill. Big food. Big Pharma. Big oil. goobermet agency capture of digital platforms. private interests capturing most banking, at times it feels like I'm trying to ice skate up hill. Ironic that at one time I did ask for an objective knowing of reality so I could move appropriately going forward.  The Universe sure didn't hold back on that request. It's just a whole heap to wade through is all. 

I do wish all the brave souls here, all the best. 

Dec 27 2024

I do not know the why's behind when events happen.  I do not know the why to a lot of things.  Don't rightly know if that would help or not.  Guess some times ... sigh

All the small indicators have come together and I'm pretty certain of a thing.  Waiting to find out if my mentor will be able to converse with me today for verification.  It's gonna suck.  Really suck if I'm right. 

Trying to keep my mind from running amok with assigning blame, for projecting forward because the event hasn't happened yet.  At the same time, knowing what I know, I am so very saddened.  I'll have to schedule things and all kind of other stuff.  Gotta be responsible and all when all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. 

It sucks. 

Wishing all here all the best

Wishing you well in return, StartingHealing. Attempting to ice skate up a hill doesn't sound pleasant at all, perhaps - if it's a metaphorical icy hill, remember that it's important to take slow and steady steps (do one thing at a time) and maybe make sure you're wearing protective gear (make sure you're looking after yourself). Take breaks when you're feeling tired, drink water to rehydrate, rest your feet if they get sore. No pressure to do any of this of course, just my little metaphorical recommendations. :)

Regards,
Aphotic.

Aphotic,

Metaphorically is one thing, the other, well, (insert cuss words here).  Me doggo took a turn for the not good. He is an older doggo 12, 13, ???, (When I got him the vet at the time said he was 8 or 9), and a pittie so.. not totally unexpected.  Still sucks though.  Has been pretty rapid decline and still working out what if anything can be done, at the same time, (insert more cuss words here) painless passing at home with me is definitely on the table at the moment.  My mentor has their hands full and perhaps tomorrow I can have a conversation with them about it.  Until then, lordy being caught twixt and tween sucks sooooooooo bad. I know what my emotions are saying but it's not about me.  What is going to be the best for him, emotions be d---ed.  I owe him that at least. 

Wishing all here all the best

Quote from: StartingHealing on December 27, 2024, 03:24:21 PMGotta be responsible and all when all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. 

It sucks. 

Universes so parallel they could almost be the same.
 :hug:

29 Dec 2024

I'm going to try my best to not cuss.  Being a fecal matter situation.  Not surprising that me doggo ... my emotional response to what is coming.  Well, peeing blood, and passing clots, yeah.  :pissed:  :aaauuugh:  :fallingbricks:  He's such a good boy.  Such a good good doggo.  He's helped a great deal with just being there with the ending of things with the former spouse.  He went through treatment for skin cancer a couple of years back which worked for a while.  I think that a node of cancer got cut and it spread.  Caught twixt raging and crying. Need to get #'s of the folks that provide at home services.  I'm torn emotionally.  On the one hand I'd really like it if he could stay around longer.  On the other hand, I don't want him to go through the suffering that would entail. 

Well, prior experience with doggos and the former spouse.  She couldn't bear the idea of peaceful passing at home and so there were a pair of doggo's that got to suffer because of that.  Course when it finally happened I was the one to blame for everything. 

Had been working on a long term project of gathering all the images of all the doggies that I've been lucky enough to have in my experience (there were copies of copies of copies of copies that had exactly the same image, different file names)  and when I mentioned this to my daughter, she wanted copies because she hadn't been allowed to say her farewells to them when they passed.  Kids and dogs you know?  Pretty evil to prevent a kid from saying goodbye.  Ran across images of the last pair at the end and how much hurt they had at the time the image was taken. 

Who would have thought that somebody like me that grew up on a farm where the circle of life was on full display, would still find it so hard.  I think that at the moment, I'm not gonna have another doggie for a while.  Maybe in a year or three.  Maybe I'm being selfish in that got a whole lot of things coming that are in the air and to me anyway, wouldn't be fair to the doggo, you know? 

Just hurts.  Hurts bad.  Anger at the unfairness to my doggo.  From what I've put together is that until me, well, the so called people that had him before me, when the lockdowns hit, took him to a park and abandoned him by tying him to a tree.  Not only that but they had a heavy hand. Trying to use anything with a handle, like a broom, shovel, cane, he would run from it.   

Small comfort is that my doggo is going to have really good company when he crosses.  I've been blessed with really great dogs through my experience here.

As of yet, the two folks that I typically talk to, one is stacked until tomorrow, and the other I haven't heard back from.  I know what needs to be done it's the human thing of talking it out to have confirmation of not being off the rails.  The at home services aren't open today.  I don't know if that is a blessing or not. 

hard to focus on things at the moment. 

Wishing all here, all the best. 

I'm so very sorry.  :grouphug:

I've recently been there with my best dog friend. I do wish that I had ended things before she suffered so much.

I'm sorry. It is really legitimately difficult to go through the loss of a pet.

So sorry SH...  :hug:

Sending you a heartfelt hug at this sad time.   :hug:

12-31-2024

Everyone,  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Got ticked off after my last post, is unfair! you know? and the universe provided me with a treatment for my doggo's cancer. 

No I haven't been to a vet to confirm the internal, (blood in urine) he does have some spots on his underside skin that have been diagnosed.  in 2021? 2022? had him surgically treated,  The first procedure was done with a scalpel and usually there is a cyst like structure around the clumps and I think that one was cut open allowing the cancer to invade inside. Time line seems right to my sense of things.

 The second procedure with a different vet was a laser scalpel which prevents that kind of stuff happening. then went with a place that takes the mass, kills the cells, and then adds some sort of antigen into the solution which gets injected to teach the immune system that these types of cells are not good and to handle them. Since cancer cells release a hormone that makes the immune system overlook them.  The large masses have not returned. Figures that there would be different types.

The treatment is ivermectin, a weight dependent dose every other day for 3 months, then 15 days off, and then start the treatments back up.  Oral administration.  From what I've found that it has a multitude of ways it messes with cancer cells of all types while leaving healthy cells alone. Stops the reproduction of them, increases rate of cell death, doesn't allow growth etc.

No surprise that the studies are from outside the USA. 

Humans are also showing good results with ivermectin alone and in some cases the addition of Fenbendazole shows an increase the rate of shrinkage of the tumors.  Plus both are safer than aspirin. Along with going completely clear of any and all sugars of any kind.

Last ditch hail mary and I know that the ending will happen when the ending happens. Maybe its just me, i figure that an ending due to old age, being flat wore out vs the other possible, is preferable if that makes any sense.

My doggo did not like his first dose. Got some in my mouth and it does taste nasty as all get out.  However he ate some steak a few minutes after and that's a good sign.  Need to watch him, he doesn't have any shepherding dog in him so he shouldn't have any issues with the ivermection.  Blueheelers, collies, etc, the shepherding breeds have a sensitivity to ivermection that could be fatal.

Fingers and toes crossed.

Wishing all here all the best

Jan 1 2025

Just back from a short, slow walk with my doggo.  Last night was freaking brutal for him.  All the fireworks going off etc.  I stayed up with him.  Sigh.  He's drinking and his appetite has returned somewhat.  At this point I'll feed him what he will eat which seems to be shredded cheese and steak/hamburg.  there has been improvement, Take what I can get I reckon.

Wishing all here all the best

Jan 2 2025

My wish for all here is that this year is filled with good, with health, with great strides forward on the healing path. 

Things popping off in my thinking meat.. again.  (insert favorite cuss phrase here)  I think that is why I was such a huge motorcycle guy in the way back when.  You get forced into being in the moment, with the sights, sounds, smells, I miss that.  I miss having a motorcycle a lot.  Maybe one day I'll have another. 

Back to objective stuff.  Ivermectin does slow my doggo down which is alright because of the sleeping = healing thing.  Better energy this AM.  More pep in the step on the morning walk.  Appetite .. he felt good enough to use his nose to shovel the shredded cheese out of his bowl.  Weird, sometimes he will do that to a certain extent and then eat some either off the floor or out of his bowl.  odd and odd.  Then again he's always done that. 

Will cook up some beef for him and see if he's interested. 

Got something ... it blew in and will see if can knock it out with what I have on hand.

Wishing all here all the best

Thanks SH, you too. 2025 and healing... let it be. Soft pats on the head for your four-legged fellow traveler too.

thank you Chart.  Much appreciated.

There is a forum site for cribmates (adoptees) been a member there for quite a while.  Was on it today and ..  :fallingbricks:  :fallingbricks: Look, I get it.  People feel a certain type of way about things like the prez election.  I feel a certain type of way about certain things as well.  When did it become normalized for people to lash out at other people that are right there in the trenches and facing many of the same struggles as you are?  Seriously, I went to X and logged in to see some actual respectful discourse.  If you have been on X you know the deal there.  Yes.  It was that bad. 

The spiral has come back around to me wondering if I should delete everything off that other site.  I'm trying to find the words, there are some on that site that are doing the work and healing, then there are others that say that they are doing the work, yet their communications with others shows otherwise. And then there are some that are intentionally placing themselves into a victim space and lashing out at others for it.  IDK, Could use groups on FB but those get weird as well.  I do know it's going to be a while before I log back into that site. It's not that ALL or MOST folks on the site lash out, just a few. Maybe I can ping a admin concerning the posts. Thing is, over the time I've been utilizing the forum it's gradually become more of the last two instead of the first listed.  If I can find a different place on the interwebs for cribmates, I'll more than likely be migrating to that new resource.  That is one of the reasons I haven't moved on from it.  Trying to find a "place" where folks savvy.  Like here, people here savvy.  One of the many good things about this space. 

I savvy where the people lashing out are coming from. I do. I remember being in a similar place emotionally.  Now though, I mean the verbiage wasn't even directed at me and I'm shaking my head at the vitriol being spewed.  What's the point?  What is so ideologically important that the leap to "you are against me" happened?  In comparison to the general population there ain't many cribmates out there you know?  Why attack people that are fellow cribmates?  Makes no sense to me.

Anyway, need to go do other things and I wish all the brave souls here all the best

I hear what you've written. I think the hardest thing for humans is understanding. Especially things we don't understand. And it seems nearly impossible to understand that we don't understand.

Personally I try to "see" and then move on from situations I perceive as "blocked".

I don't know what else I can do.

Sorry your dealing with this human kunumbsphlit... (invented word :-)

Chart,

I do understand what you are saying. I thought long and hard about it since it wasn't my monkey / circus.  I did ping an admin because the inclusion of politics and religion, both verboten under the by-laws of that forum, unless it is specifically related to adoption, has been increasing over time.  Most cribmates don't want to confront, and if I use the "how many roaches" approach, if I'm disconcerted with the posts being made, how many other users are put off by it and just don't post, don't engage, or like I was thinking of doing, move on down the road to something else?  100?  1000?  It's a decent space and to have a few unstable folks jack it up for the rest.  You know?  Did get a PM back from the admin saying they would look into it. 

It appears that certain, I call them mind viruses, can and do infect people to a point where for them, any opinion outside of the "approved" message is taken as an attack on themselves.  When in fact the opposite is actually true.  The amount of projection, the amount of reading into the text so much that wasn't there.  Meanwhile maintaining multiple victim statuses while attacking someone that came up with an idea, just an idea, based on what they know, and that idea somehow turns into an attack on the person's "claimed" identity?  Seriously, one poster went on a rant about how _____ political group is going to take my rights away, I'll need to leave the USA if I don't want to die, and then ending with "no I must fight this tyranny" meanwhile being completely complicit with all the systems that are truly working to remove your rights as a human being.  I mean, where does the "approved" messages come from?  At least here in the u.s. propaganda against the population is legal now although that never stopped them previously.

yeah

Sad to say, I'm starting to wonder if the toxins in the environment, toxins in the food, EMF, propaganda, and this "reality" called the internet, have come together in some sort of perfect storm that results in poor health all way around.  Mental, physical, and spiritual, for the developed countries.  Even taken with a large grain of salt because of the medical / pharma / psychology industries pressures, all mental health issues are on an increasing % of the general population.  I'm not talking about CPTSD or PTSD, I'm talking about stuff like bi-polar, personality disorders, schizophrenia, etc. The reason that I know this is because during the time period where I was attempting to understand about personality disorders since the former spouse is such.  That turned into a real rabbit hole.

Anyhow, got some pet cams coming, will let me peek in and see what's up with him while I'm at work. 

Wishing all here all the best

Just a thought: Maybe the whole point of existence is to actualize "energy evolution" which is best done when faced with "people crazier than ourselves". How do we change when faced with pain (of all sorts)? And the "test" applies to everybody... hence everybody thinks everybody else is nuts...

(My daughter's up...)
Once again, I hope my insanity isn't "too far" and does not ruffle.
Love the idea of the dog-cam

Chart,

Perhaps?  I really don't know.  guess it depends on what is 'crazy' right? 

Semantics is often my downfall.

Chart,

no ruffles :)

Jan 6 2025

Mercy where does the time go?  I remember as a child days that seemed like forever.  Ahh well.

Chart:
I'm one who has experienced and continue to have experiences that fall outside of the Newtonian clockwork universe concept. Started as a wee one. Perhaps due to what I went through with being relinquished, spending 9 months with some caretaker (that info unfortunately is lost to me) then being placed with a family in which there was 0 related genetic anything.  I've always had a interest in what is commonly called "woo woo". Which I have come to realize is another facet of human experience that has been intentionally been pushed away from main stream consciousness.  Much of what is claimed in "woo woo" actually has basis in fact once quantum mechanics is applied + the realization that what we perceive with our 5 senses is such a narrow slice of the entire EM spectrum. (At least as far as humans have been able to find out about the EM spectrum.)

Where does the "knowing" that another being is staring at you come from?  Ever know someone that plants just grow for?  What about someone that never gets lost?  Pets that get excited when their person leaves work? You get the 'willies' and leave an area and then find out later that something tragic happened in that location.  How did humans way back when know what plants were good for what?  Some plants unless processed in a particular manner do not heal, they will kill. 

Looking at animistic beliefs prior to the imposition of organized religion, there has got to be a very good reason for the ancestors to have done what they did especially when what they did falls outside of the survival paradigm.  Most indigenous cultures have beliefs about spirits of place, spirits that help, spirits that are tricksters, ancestors that are watching and helping from "over there".  Yet the narrative is that those beliefs are non-scientific, ignorant, the stupid savage mindset, I feel has been not only wrong headed, it's led to some really bad events, and I believe it led to belief system that has reduced us to some sort of electro-chemical carbon based machines that arose out of the primordia goo by accident. Which if you really look at things now, in modernity, you can see that being played out on a grand scale and it's a very saddening thing to me.

For me personally, the 100th monkey phenomena makes sense.  I think it was back in the 1970's maybe the 1980's.  Groups of monkeys, same species, on islands in the Japan archipelago, no interaction between the differing groups, researchers noticed that a single monkey figured out that washing some sort of potato in sea water was a really good thing. Cleaned the food, get some salt intake, maybe it made it taste better?  The troupe of monkeys where the 1 figured it out eventually had the entire troupe doing it.  What the researchers noticed was that the critical mass of 100 individuals was the threshold because once that was reached, all the monkeys on all the islands started doing it, even in troupes that had no behavior like that before. No intermingling because of the distance between the islands, way to far for them to swim, so it wasn't the learning by observation. What happened for the knowing that washing the food in the sea was a good thing get distributed to all the monkeys of that species?  For me it goes back to that there is "something" there that exists outside of the expected norm of 5 senses. I think whatever that "something" is, a human in the proper state of mind can perceive it.

Think about all the "new" things that our ancestors knew / did as a matter of course.  Earthing is now a thing. Food grown with love and respect has multiple times the amount of nutrition than factory based. Which we can sense. Fresh from the garden VS factory based. Which tastes better?  Water has memory. Masaru Emoto took water and then exposed the samples to positive or negative influences. He then froze the water and took pictures of the resulting ice crystals.  Positive influences = crystals that are symmetrical, visually attractive. negative influences = blobs, no symmetry, misshaped.  Awareness is rising about EMF and how some of it isn't good for the human body, light is the same way, LEDS & fluorescents,  are turning into something that one needs to manage because of their second order effects on human biology and behavior, not to mention the blue light emitted by screens that messes with our circadian rhythm.  The food .. Some of the dyes used really mess with people.  Many kids labeled ADHD, ADD, remove the food dyes and surprise! the ADD, ADHD goes away. And that is just the tip of that iceberg. Those that garden, getting there fingers in the dirt etc, even if its only growing flowers organically, have a healthier micro-biome than those that don't.   

There was the experiment where a group of folks that pray consistently were asked to pray for a certain people in hospital.  Not only did the ones that were prayed for recover quicker they also had better overall health after.  This has been shown many times. What this double blind experiment did though was have people pray in the current day, for people that had been in hospital a decade or more before. Turns the idea of causality on it's head.

 Other experiments have shown that the length of pleasant music on a cassette tape increased, that the ph of water can be changed, all of this has been done multiple times, by different people, and same results.  One last thing. Remote Viewing which was an actual gov't paid program.  When folks with training are getting 80% and higher confirmed results.. yeah there is definitely something going on that for some reason that something has been buried, intentionally I would say. 

Think about it.  Who benefits by keeping the average person away from the innate abilities that exist within them?  Which groups have benefitted over time by pushing the ideology that we are an electro-chemical carbon based being with nothing going further than that?  Or more insidious, to me anyway, the groups that have pushed the idea that our reward or punishment lies on the other side and it's for an eternity?  Which groups benefit by having us just healthy enough to continue to continue and not upset any apple carts? Which groups benefit by using propaganda to push certain anti-human narratives, let alone keep the average person in a constant state of fight / flight?  I'm not saying that there is a super villains group that are consulting with each other on how to jack with us. However, those with a particular mindset will typically find others that match that mindset.  Birds of a feather type thing.

Hope that this helps explain better where I'm coming from. 

The pet cams are working well.

Wishing all here all the best   

01-08-2025

The current treatment I'm doing for my doggo seems to be working well.  No more blood in the urine for the last 3 or so days, appetite has returned, been feeding him fatty meats, more pep in his step.  Amazing how much 'weight' has been removed with him moving in the direction of health and wellness.  I think that I will continue the sheep drench for the 3 months and see if the skin cancer will also either reduce and/or go away.

Wishing all here all the best

Hi StartingHealing,
I am relieved to hear that the treatment for your doggo seems to be working well, and I hope it continues to do so.  :hug:
Hope

 :yeahthat:
Me too!
 :hug:

Jan 13 2025

The spiral continues.  It has taken quite a while for my motivation to return.  there is a big difference between doing things because they need to be did, vs having the want to in doing them is something else, you know? 

I don't know at this moment what the what is on the why.  Perhaps there was a spiritual weariness.  My doggo behavior wise is better, I have to remember that it's going to take some lineal time. 

Last couple weeks, the typical end of year mild illnesses have been coming around.  Really odd that with one "something" my emotions were really really high. With what I have learned recently, the blood / brain barrier is a lot more porous than I had previously thought. 

The process continues in my perceiving behind the created veil.  Have come to the conclusion that politics .. have to be engaged because what some jackwad wants may not be in the best interest of the whole and pushing back is the way stuff works.  Big Pharma, Big Food, Big medicine, cult of the white lab coats, Big oil, and the realization that in many cases, laws are what keeps these industries on the rails at all.  It's also been a saddening thing to me to realize that I have a whole pile of things that I believed that are based on a watered down, sanitized, and propagandized version of events. 

Wishing all here all the best

Jan 15 2025

I feel like I need to write, that I need to express something and yet coming up with the verbiage is hard at the moment.  Lots of feeling that there are lots of situations that seem ambiguous .  I've found out that it's a thing for me to have ambiguous things.  I prefer to not have ambiguous, amorphous things going on.  The situation - reaction and for some reason the reaction part, even though I am capable and fairly good at coming up with solutions.  Somewhere in the mix .. I'm feeling like I've been knocked onto the hind foot and I'm still off balance.  My change in diet and supplements has been really good for the emotional aspects. weird.  even with pretty stable emotional state unknown where the feeling of being on the hind foot is coming from.  the other thing, in my life previously, I didn't have this feeling.

the other thing is there is a sub-routine in my thinking meat that the "desire" for lack of a better term, with starting the search for the "other".  Yet looking at my life now, and realizing that bringing a gal into the mix at this time is a not good idea.  I'm not in the right space spiritually / mentally / emotionally. Least now I realize that.  Perhaps that is where the feeling of being on the hind foot is coming from. Trying to be objective with looking at my past.  I guess I'm doing pretty good at moving on from stuff since I can't remember the month in 2022 that was the beginning of my becoming single again.

Well, need to do some other things.

Wishing all here all the best

 

 :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on January 18, 2025, 04:08:16 PM:hug:

Thank you Hope

Jan 19 2025
(warning. Rambling, mentions EOL)

3:55 AM Debating with myself on what to write since I don't want to cause consternation in those that read this. Waiting for the coffee to kick in. In the IDK what to do stage.  My doggo isn't eating enough to maintain weight and last night he came to me telling me that it was time for bed.  I looked at him and it was if I was seeing him for the first time and what I saw wasn't good.  The phrase of "seeing death" is I think more accurate than what a materialistic based social narrative would suggest. My mentor, wise as they are, tuned into Spirit as much as they are,  well, I have a text cued to send later today (my mobile has that functionality)  perhaps I can speak with them today. Last we communicated (I am really starting to prefer voice comms) they mentioned a 6 month window. Strange how some days seem forever and yet the weeks fly by.  Got a different form of ivermectin, more concentrated than the sheep drench. Hoping that will allow more get down my doggo's throat. Problem is, gotta figure out how to get him to eat.

(insert cuss phrase here) maybe it's because the years ahead are shorter than the years behind, maybe it's part of the larger pattern of me shedding the things of the past associated with the former spouse. Maybe it's me coming to grips with my own self, maybe it's something else and maybe it's not, and maybe, just maybe all of this has led me into wondering about my own EOL and what I would like to leave behind when I too, go on to the other realm. Maybe it's a genetic thing, wondering about a legacy that goes forward in time, in this realm. Then again maybe I'm not seeing the larger picture. Even so, it still rears it's head from time to time.  I admit that I'm human and I have messed up in the past.  I've done my best to atone, not repeat the actions and continue forward taking the lessons with me.  I think that overall I've been honorable.  Which seems to be not that big of a deal in the current morass that I perceive as modern "society". I was talking with someone who has a passel of kids, and grand kids about leaving a legacy and to them it was the folks that they had helped / interacted with over their life that they consider to be their legacy.  I still find that interesting how different people's views are.

Saw my tax pro yesterday. Perhaps I'm weird in this regard but when I find a professional that provides good service at a reasonable cost, I'll stick with them. Because of long term interactions, there are 'perks' that make things way simpler. Like the fact that she agreed to have an appointment on a weekend.  We ended up talking about the previous return and something that I didn't recognize came up that if the former spouse didn't file last year that the tax man is going to come a knocking. Because Nov of 2023 is when the marital residence got sold. If the former spouse follows true to the pattern she showed over 25 years, she didn't file. Was surprised at the reaction I had.  The idea that she would be held accountable, did give me a chuckle. Actions or not taking action has consequences.  And more than likely she'll not put 2 and 2 together, and play the victim.  Since I didn't do anything my karma (using the western idea of it) on that is clear.  Don't even want to be a fly on the wall. And depending on how events play out, I may not even be in the same political division of a body of people that occupies a territory defined by agreed on borders, in the future.  Shoot, may offshore myself.  Take advantage of the currency arbitrage. At the same time, having a "home" or at least an idea of "home" still has a huge draw for me. The closest thing to home I've experienced would be the farm that I grew up on.  it no longer exists.  The land is still there, some of the fences.  I still haven't figured out if "home" was because of the length of time spent or what.  Or if it was because of the memories created from having 1 person accept me without reservation. I remember when I was informed after the fact that it had been sold. I grieved something fierce. Not a stretch to say that every acre of that property had my blood, sweat, or tears shed on it.  I've lived in several different areas in the US and .. meh. I did live in those places but they were never "home".  Makes sense because there was only 1 person in the 2cd family that I connected to and when they passed on to their next adventure, I was "in a family" but never had the "family" sense of connection.  Overarching themes being played out in my life. 

Starting to gather my nickles for a new to me vehicle. A grandpa car.  At least here in my location there are vehicles that have low mileage, have been maintained impeccably, and are relatively inexpensive. Well, the current vehicle I'm using for the majority of the time, needs help engine wise. It burns oil. Can't find a re-manufactured engine for it at all. Used engines are out there but most are being reported with having the same miles as is showing on my vehicle. And it's a sight unseen type of thing. And I don't want to gamble with 1k or better when truck shipping is included.  Not set up to pull the engine and rebuild it.  There are part kits for that kind of thing.  Looking at the $, and looking at machine shop expense .. Honestly the car is worth more $ being parted out.  I don't know if I'll sell it to a automotive bone yard or donate to one of those charities.  The specific vehicle model with a specific engine / transmission I'm looking for, with proper maintenance are going 250k-300k miles, so if I find one that has 50, 60, 75K on the clock, I'll be good for a lot of years.  I'm not locked into a particular color at all.  I don't care if it has a radio or not. As long as the AC works, heater works, good shape mechanically. I'm good.

Well, need to check temps and see if perhaps my doggo wants to walk. He does enjoy it so much.  Might wait until some time after sunup and let the temps rise.

wishing all here, all the best

After consulting with my mentor, and a vet, and other friends, I pulled the trigger on having a at home procedure done with my doggo. 

He crossed the rainbow bridge today.  With all that was happening to him physically, I couldn't in good conscience have him continue.  I just couldn't. My honor could not allow him to suffer any longer. His innards were failing. Attempting to remind myself that I did do the best I could at the time.  No lie that rings hollow at the moment.

With him, that makes 20 times my heart has been hurt. I know that this part is something I sign up for every time I get a doggo.  Knowing that, it still sucks(insert a nasty thing). 

I'm switching between numb and deep grief at the moment and while occasionally I'll have a dram or two of a fine aged spirit, sipping only, seeking the secrets of flavor, I admit that I might tonight go a bit further. Even now, the tears are falling. I've lost count of the times I've cleaned my glasses.  And that is perfectly fine.  It's the loss that is tied to all the other losses I've experienced in my life. The sparkle that I once saw in the everyday is dimmed.  I know it will return. When is the question that doesn't need answering now.

He was the one being that loved me for me and while I was in that * of a BPD fecal matter show, he was always there. He came into my life with the pandemic. A rescue. He was about 8 maybe 9 or so and getting to 13-14 for a pittie is really good. Lordy I will miss him. 

For now I do not know when or if I will return to walking, for he was the reason I rolled out of bed and got the 10k steps in before work. It was in the morning because during the summer, the concrete gets hot enough to burn bare flesh and before sun up was the logical option for he hated the dog boots something fierce.  I'm not going to work tomorrow. I need some time to grieve.  The vet was kind and gentle.  Took the time that was needed.  I did get a paw print as a remembrance plus the thousands of pictures in the archive.

So it's not like I haven't been through this before, and yet it still hurts as if it's the first time.  I think I will take some time and get myself straighter before taking on another doggo.  Depending on what the universe has planned for me of course. He better bring a buddy along with him though. That way there is company when I can't be home.

I don't put this out there enough.  Thank you.   All of you amazing souls that are on this.    You have given me hope, you have shown me how just showing up can change things.  Truth be told, there have been many times I have drew strength from this board.  And for all of that and more, I am grateful

I wish all here all the best. 

 :hug:

Hi Starting Healing,
Sending you a heartfelt hug  :hug:
Hope

Jan 21 2025

I took yesterday off from work.  Figured I would take a day and sit with my feelings.  Had a few episodes of the ugly cry, multiple washrags level.  My abs, lower back, sore, had to go to the chiropractor after I had settled out, my back went out from the intensity. 

The single bed seems so big now.  And cold.

As I was driving through the hood, getting to a main road to go to work this AM, the memories, sheesh..
Gotta get back after it.

Thanks Chart and Hope.  I appreciate the hug

I find less and less to say these days. But I'm with you, listening and understanding in a way that supposes we are very similar.
 :hug:

Jan 23 2025

Chart, some times it's more than enough to see the commonalities between self and others.

I see the repeating patterns through my life.  I don't know at the moment if there was a "soul level" thing I needed to work through, or if it was something about how to keep the 51% balance.  The whole thing of putting on my own oxygen mask first.  The lessons contained over at outofthefog.website are still ongoing.

My diet is pretty much full carnivore now.  Big difference physically, big difference in emotional centeredness, big difference in clarity, also been incorporating some other things, like the blue light blocking glasses.  I've noticed a difference.  Small things, small changes to things that can tip the first domino that will result in better results for me.  Odd, still have the default of others first.  Making myself less which isn't a good thing. 

Wishing all here all the best.

Jan 24 2025

Had a "what to do" today.  Course memories of my doggo and our walks have been coming fast and furious.  I've accepted that I'm going to miss him, a lot.  Then again I miss all my other doggos that have gone on before him.  All of them were great dogs.  My doggo was like a bookending a particular period in my path.  When he arrived in my life and when he left it.

Thank you Kylo. Thank you for being there, always glad to see me, thank you for loving me even when I was all twisted in knots.  I love you buddy.  I'll see you when I get there ok?  Go and play with the other doggies, I think you'll like them.  All of them good dogs like you are. I'll be ok buddy.  Promise.  It's that I miss you and I'm sad about it.  And that leaks out sometimes.

Wishing all souls here, all the best

 :hug:

Hi StartingHealing,
I read what you wrote yesterday, and as I read it, I felt a lot of emotion. Your care and love for your dog and your past dogs, it is palpable.  I liked the vision created of your dogs all playing together.  Sending you a hug of support in your grief.   :hug:
Hope

Chart and Hope, my thanks.

Lots of grief from other things tied into the grief that I'm feeling about Kylo.  Some going back 4 decades or better.  I do wish that at some point all the hangers on from the time with the former spouse will be left in the dust of the past.  The memories of that time are different now because of my learning and development and I see them in a different light.  Takes a lot of the negative out of them.  It's the ongoing BS of support payments to someone that could actually work if she wished.  Which she never did and I don't think she's going to change those spots.  I'm crusty enough that I'm going to out live her. Which isn't going to be hard really, considering her self destructive habits that went full bore.  Meanwhile I'm going the other way and on top of that I'm getting a glimmer of a glimpse of what it means to live for myself which is new and odd to me. This is really the first time in my life that I've experienced that.  Anyway, plan is to get to a more stable point before I start to consider a pair of doggos. The pair will be able to keep each other company when I can't be there.  Have found that somewhere along the way I've lost my taste for uncertainty or perhaps that too is a trauma response. 

Still have lots of things up in the air including off shoring myself. chuckle. remote work, do the currency arbitrage thing, stack some cash, who knows maybe go native and settle there.  Or with starlink, travel.  Always wanted to go see for myself. Like new Orleans during martigra. or Rio during Carnivale, a south sea island with water so clear you can see the bottom 60 ft down.  Course if I do that.. exnay on the doggies. Then again maybe I'll keep myself onshore and see what happens.   

Wishing all here, all the best

jan 28 2025

Wow, what a change in less than a couple of days.  I was reminded of a sheet where it was listed the most stressful events in a humans life (out side of like armed conflict, MMA, being hunted by a apex predator) but then again I have been through some "stuff" in my life.  Still have the scars to prove it.  And yet, I'm still here. I guess in a weird way, with being through the "stuff" I have gone through, I don't know if it's a good thing or not that a lot of entries off that list I don't really find that freak-out-able.  then again.. Anyway, some of the most intense (not including dealing with a PD individual) is moving, divorce, death of a loved one.  so 2023,2024,2025 and being in uni. on top of all of it.  I think I'm doing pretty alright I reckon.

Weird also that .. was a dude that quit today at work.  Did it on the scuzzy side. Dropped a email.  Like huh???? But the knowing that he's not around anymore has.. it is like a weight has been lifted in some manner.  Yeah, he was .. he would lock in on something that somehow to him was relevant but wasn't anything to do with the subject matter.  And trying to get him to shift out of that.. Oi.  I've worked with all types and no issues as long as your consistent with being a arse or a whatever, this guy was something else.

Gonna be busy as all get out for a while at work.

Gonna have to roll over 2 classes into the next session for school.  I have the resources so no biggy. 

Wishing all here all the best

Feb 1 2025

Been going back and forth over the last few days on writing here.  Had lots of things come together at once.  I reckon that I had a tipple to much on Thur night, Which I know messes up the REM pattern of sleep,  was ok on Fri still kinda disconnected feeling, went out and had coffee with some family that was in the area, then last night.. With the way my body has been acting, I do believe I picked up some sort of stomach thing. The digestive system was purging at both ends and there was a bit of a fever.  Freezing cold in bed, multiple blankets, up and down for a while, finally got into sleep and when I awoke I had finally started to sweat.  Emotions are running really high at the moment as well.  I know that taking back up walking would be a beneficial thing, yet for now the thought of going on a walk without my buddy being there.  It's a no go.  Been lots of time in my life where with losing someone, dog, cat, person, and because of the situation I had to get back into grind of things.  I think, could be wrong.  I think that while my doggo bookmarked a passage in my life, there was / is a lot of emotions that weren't addressed at the time and now since he's no longer in this realm.  All of it is coming out.  The grief of not only him but also the situation with the former spouse, other losses.  Crazy thing, if I have to perform for another being it's a go but when it comes to myself.. Aww I miss him. 

Got some food down.  Was also able to get my supplements down as well. Stomach seems to be 1/2 way ok with it. I'm feeling like I could sleep. 4 hours or so until getting into my usual bed time range.  The house is so quiet and empty.  Have a lofi girl streaming channel going on the tv for noise.  Might go shopping later. The whole get groceries when paycheck arrives you know?  Haven't been able to get past that yet.  A lot will depend on how the outlet of the digestive track behaves.  It has been multiple times today and mostly liquid with not much solids.

Temp is a tickle high, blood oxy is good, heart rate is good, BP is a tickle high compared to the BS that's out there now of 120/80.  Some body some where decided that 120/80 was "healthly" which with what has been coming out recently of the deliberate manipulation pulled by medicine to support big pharma sales, is it really? Or is it to push BP meds that kill people's kindeys?  Kinda like cholesterol levels got monkeyed with for statin sales.  I'm really wondering about a lot of things.  How much of what I take to be true is someone's propaganda about a certain subject?

Wishing all here all the best

Feb 13 2025

Still in process of finding my square with my doggo gone.  Didn't realize how much he impacted my actions.  Just now starting to get back into walking. Even though it's on the weekends (so far) and at a different time of day than what we used to do.  Rain, shine, wind, whatever, we went on a walk. 

Got my 87 D150 back up and running over last weekend.  Needed to do u-joints, oil change, replace the battery and some other stuff.  Now thinking I need to adjust the bands in the transmission along with idle rpm.  Getting a weird slip in the transmission it until it gets up to temp.  Did the sea foam fuel cleaner trick which keep me from needing to open the carburetor up for a clean. (is real simple.  Fill the carb with the sea foam and let it sit to dissolve the gum that forms)  Tires are still a wee bit bouncy, the flat spots will work themselves out in time since I'm running radials on it.  Bias plys wouldn't have been a problem from the get go. 

my fall into and fall out of rig.  Need to change out the inner tie rod sockets and outer tie rod ends.  Got the stuff to do the toe in / out alignment after.  Yeah getting a wee bit hairy driving the thing.  That's why needed to get the truck running while I take this one down to repair it.

Wishing all here all the best

Feb 19 2025

The spiral has turned again.  So many ghosts of memories past. IDK what the reason is.  My human is limited in perception and such I wonder about the 'reasons' of the Universe.

I'm in such a weird space at the moment. Really long moment. chuckle.

Wishing all here, all the best

StartingHealing,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling uneasy, but I'm happy that you are expressing that feeling to the forum. Are you able to determine what triggered it? Or is it another one of those times that I am all too familiar with myself, that seem to come over you like a storm and all you can do it weather it until the sun comes back out?

My retrogrades in the spiral can be triggered by specific events. They can also be triggered by calendar dates, anniversaries of good or bad memories, or...sometimes, I just don't know what triggers them. Sometimes I just call it a storm that I have to weather until the sun comes back out.

No matter what, I'm glad you are being open about it.

I feel like the more we share with others, the less alone we are with our inner spirals.

You're not alone here.

I'm returning the wish for all the best for you too.

PC.

Feb 28 2025

Hi PC!  How you been?  Sending all the best your direction. Let me see if I can 'splain a bit.

At one time I was going to a hypnotherapist.  I think I still have her induction / boosting self belief cassette somewhere.  Need to get the tech to play it.  Anyway, there was this one time when I was in the hypnotic state, and that something inside took off like a bullet, going back through events that I had been through.  The only commonality was the emotional context of the events.  She finally was able to get me out of that state, after I got the info concerning some of the choices that my 1st mother had been considering. That was a mind F.  What is really odd about that is that there was nothing concerning the time period I spent in fostering? Orphanage? 9 months and is still a black hole, no info / intel on that at all.

Did explain the why behind for the longest time I didn't feel like I should have been in this realm as a youngling.  I have understanding now but going through that... with the add on of the preverbal loss / grief of being born and then no momma, + the BS from the society that I was brought up in (the lies around how I came to be, the lies around how I came to be "placed", at times I consider adoption in many respects the same as human trafficking, except it's legal corruption ) and the dogma associated with certain Xtain groups and 2cd mother's mental / emotional issues. I understand that as humans we tweak memories around but holy editing Batman! The baby book that she started contradicted 90-95% of the stories that she had told me concerning my growth milestones. sigh. Turns out I was physically advanced, already walking, working on running, attempting to talk, etc.  Oft times I wonder the why behind what is sooooo desperately crappy about reality that some of us humans go to such great lengths to live in a false, created, narrative. Maybe it's a guy thing. To me there are events and then there are the emotions around the events. Being pissed off because a flood happened isn't going to help clean up, you know?   I had no choice but to go through it I reckon. Another one of those why? For what reason? Maybe one day I will have understanding about that.   One h--l of a beginning for a hero's journey.  Also no wonder that I wanted to be vulcan.  The OG Trek was on re-runs and I was a big big fan.

What I have been going through is similar to that emotional chain that links, at least in me, certain events together.  With my doggo going over the rainbow bridge, I know that I know, can't explain how I know, it's just that I know, that he's healthy and happy and getting along with those 4 legged that has gone before.  Even now there are times that the silence still gets really loud.  That loss -> loss of marriage -> loss of what might have been -> loss of other people, places, critters -> loss of situations, jobs, opportunities -> (quoting SuperTramp) -> loss of what I could have been if I would have had more time. 

Not complaining. That all of this is coming up, I cautiously allow myself to feel the emotion,  which drains the juice out of it and another chunk is resolved, another part of the weight is dropped, and a bit more healing up happens.   {well, as a youngling, I was taught to be in fear of myself, fear of my capabilities at every level, which isn't innate to me, it was a projection of those who were not prepared / didn't know how to parent a kid that I was at the time. Cut from a different cloth as it were. }

From time to time, I know that I know, can't explain how I know, it's just that I know, certain beings come back round to check in on me. Hmm, have you ever went into a house, and you do not sense with your 5 physical senses that there is another being in that space? Like someone is napping in a upstairs bedroom and when they come downstairs where you are, you're not surprised because you somehow knew that they were there?  Same exact thing with me. It's not like those that have gone on before are 'gone' it's different than having them around in this physical shared reality.  Bittersweet at times, enjoyable at others. My human still misses them being in this realm.

My path continues. Grateful for the healing so far and what is coming. 

Crazy busy at work, lost a team member, and other people in other parts of the org act like that not only are we fully staffed, we are actively looking for work to do.  Will see how that plays out.

Wishing all here all the best.

Quote from: StartingHealing on February 28, 2025, 04:00:20 PMFeb 28 2025
Hmm, have you ever went into a house, and you do not sense with your 5 physical senses that there is another being in that space? Like someone is napping in a upstairs bedroom and when they come downstairs where you are, you're not surprised because you somehow knew that they were there?

Oh yeah. There's a part of my brain that knows what the other 99.9999% doesn't. I'm really good at listening to that part now (due to all the times it kicked me later).
 :hug:

SH and Chart; I often believe that I am more connected to the other realm than I am to this one. I understand it better than I understand this realm. It's more real to me than waking life is. I trust the energies of the other realm more than I trust the energies and words of people in this realm.

My therapist is 77 years of age and has done therapy since the late 1970s. He has told me that his patients who have Complex PTSD are his most spiritual patients.

Authors like Robert Falconer, of The Others Within Us and When you're Going Through H*ll, Keep Going, teaches that without a spiritual component of some kind, the treatments for CPTSD are hindered. We are all body, mind and soul. We were damaged as body, mind and soul. The best treatments should address body, mind and soul.

I have been visited many, many times by those who've gone on before me. Including my pets. When a loved one passes, I swear a part of me goes into that realm with them, and for the next several days after their departure, I swear I can feel the Love and peace of the other side as if I'm there with them myself.

I have noticed that saturating a room with peace, either peaceful prayer, or peaceful music, seems to temper that room with the energy of peace deep into its furniture, walls and decor. I can meet a person and if they touch me physically, I can sense whether they are safe or dangerous. Just by the touch. More often than not, when I suddenly feel an urge to do something different, I find out later that I avoided an accident or a confrontation. And if I don't answer my intuitive warnings, I'm pretty much always sorry I didn't.

I am not a religious person. But I do feel a sense that we are all one, whether we like it or not. And I've visited the other realm when under the spell of dreams, meditations and medications.

I've never had a super good experience with a hypnotist. I've never been put under to the point that I feel like I'm connecting to anything or anyone. I would love to find a hypnotherapist who can actually put me under.

3-1-25
Chart, yep we get learned up really fast when that 'something' inside fires off a warning aaannnddd we don't pay attention, and the situation(s) come back round to smack us. 

PC, being in a hypnotic state is a part and parcel of being human.  It's related to focused attention, instead of being directed outwards it's directed inwards + being in a flow state. If that makes any sense. IMO most "hypnotists" do not have the depth of savvy to really 'get' what is happening. There are resources that can be found on the interwebs where one can learn how to do self-hypnosis.  Realize as well that as far as I have been able to figure out, our brains are creating a representation of reality.  that is why language (which is either written or audio symbology) is so powerful.  Not to mention that if you consider that words uttered, that audio vibration, does it ever go away?  Gets weaker, but does it ever go away?  Add in that you are listening to yourself all the time.  That is why changing self-talk is powerful, can be very slow for sure, yet it's also very powerful.  The power to create or destroy resides in the tongue.  Somewhere along the line, that has been forgotten by most two-legged critters.  That's why generally speaking, folks like Louise Hay with her approach to affirmations, the EFT (tapping) approach by Brad Yates, etc. Can have very beneficial effects. Small changes over time add up to some major shifts.   Milton H. Erickson, amazing person, worth a dive to read up on him and what he accomplished not only in his own life, but also with the number of people he helped. 

Touching someone and knowing that good / bad is something way cool PC.  For me I get uncomfortable when in proximity. A general sense of 'eeeewwww' as long as I'm not in my head. If I'm in my head then.. I miss that message. Which goes back to what Chart mentioned. 

I don't agree with everything Alan Watts has put out, and yet I have found nuggets that have helped me a great deal.  His take on attention for me is spot on. The knowing that the witness within, that part that is aware of all the monkey mind chatter, and yet doesn't get trapped in it, to me that awareness is the interface between the spirit and material. Hypnosis is a method of many, to get to a level that is twixt spirit and material and there are many levels there. There are documented cases in the clinical hypnosis literature where that awareness was accessed, and the results were amazing. Serious health conditions gone, addictions gone, like the human got a refresh, all the negative from a human perspective got flushed and the being at the root was then able to more fully express.

I am going to attempt to explain what is meant when I use the term spiral. It's not only a spiritual term it's actually what the Earth is doing in it's orbit. The sun is in orbit around the center of the milky way, and Earth is going around the sun, but since the sun is moving, the earth traces a spiral path through space.  It is not a negative thing, rather I use it to mean that on my path, there are similar situations that arise because I haven't learned that lesson yet or if I have learned the lesson, there is a deeper understanding that I need to obtain or I need to learn how to bring about changes in self to finally be done with it. 

You know, while the 'science' has provided us with some really cool things, there have been lots of concepts that have taken root in the collective unconscious, like the universe is a clockwork mechanism, that the physical reality is "it" that there isn't anything beyond that, and most da--ing of all is the idea that we are here because of some random chance thing. I'm here for some reason. What the reason(s) is I cannot say. Perhaps the reason(s) are beyond my limited human understanding. Same with the 'why' I experienced what I have experienced.  At least now there is the concept that consciousness, awareness is a fundamental property of the Universe. Thank you quantum physics folks.  To me that circles back to Animism, shamanism, Shinto, oh so many of the old ways,  Which also fits with beings that are not in the physical that love us and they come to check in to see how we are doing.     

Wishing all here all the best

Quote from: StartingHealing on March 01, 2025, 04:46:23 PMWhich also fits with beings that are not in the physical that love us and they come to check in to see how we are doing.     

Funny, this makes me think of the Forum too...
 :hug:

Chart,

In some ways the same in some not so much  ;D  Considering that all of this here, it's just ones and zero's that reside on some storage device somewhere that's connected to the interwebs.  It's us humans that give meaning you know?  Spoken or written language is a pale pale thing when using it to attempt to explain experiences that fall outside the "norm".  Even poetry, which is better conveying the emotional context but even then.. Ahh the paradox raises it's head again, have a mystical experience and know without doubt the connectedness of everything everywhere and the words cannot do it justice no matter how many is used.

Wishing you all the best 

4 March 2024

quick little note here.  I have been made aware of how much of my human has been influenced from people, society, locations, outside of the myself.  The family members and family dynamics, then with the former spouse.  I know that it's a common thing, part of the survival mechanism to align more with the family unit / tribe.

 And yet, 

Well, how much of what I came into this realm with got pruned, atrophied, or otherwise jacked up?  What innate traits / abilities are dormant?  I think I'll find a good hypnotherapist and have a go at clearing, get some water and sunlight on those bits that have atrophied and perhaps if the root of what was pruned still exists then stimulate those bits into growth.  And along the way also become better in resistance to manipulation / propaganda.

Would be nice to be able to use plant teachers.  Perhaps in the future.

Wishing all the best to all the brave souls here

StartingHealing,

I share a few similarities with you. It seems we both share a sense that we are bigger than our physical bodies and that our physical lives were altered by the behaviors of our tribes. I found this post to be especially interesting today because I'm exploring the same question: How can I find, recover and experience my authentic self?

I for one was never, ever, ever allowed to talk about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I gave up early on all of my dreams and my self-image as a human with equal rights as other humans. I know who I became--a servant to everyone--, but I'm still bothered by trying to remember who I'd come here to be. On my death bed, will I suddenly remember "Oh YAH! I forgot I was going to do ______ while I was here."?

I'm learning to accept that being knocked off my own path as a child may actually be what I came here to experience, like in the old sayings around "it's not how we fall that defines us, but how we get back up again." What if my life's path was to be taken off my life's path by toxic people in a toxic culture, and then learn a ton about life by how I gained the strength to overcome a bad start to life?

You're inspiring me to go to my own daily journal and post about this right now. I won't hijack your journal with my own dramas, but your post has inspired a lot of thought in me this morning :)

Be well

Hi PC.

I believe that we are larger than our physical frames.  The overlap of, for lack of a better term, realms, the interplay between them all is what I believe gives rise to our experiences. 

Is the 'path' that we have gone down, the only one?  Or is it possible that part of our path is only a detour and because of the indoctrination and propaganda that has been internalized we think that it is all that is possible? 

My mentor, hugely spiritually knowledgeable, once opined that our souls have multiple paths that are possible.  In my case, the actions I took in extracting myself from the crazy of the former spouse, put me on a different path.  Since that happened, I can say without hesitation that I'm now going towards the core of the who I am when I entered the earthly realm.   I admit that not having external feedback in this does get a wee bit funky.  Learning to trust the self that I am aware of.

Wishing you all the best

I reached out to a hypnotherapist and I have yet gotten any indication that they have a open slot.  I'm waiting for awhile and if after a while, that specific one, I'll reach out to another.  Trying to allow the universe to work things out for me.

Wishing all here all the best