OK. I don't exactly feel like recovering. And I'm kind of losing hope. A longer post in the frustration category explains the story. But here I want to report what I'm doing to recover. And how that turns out.
Today...
1. I had a talk with a colleague in my volunteering job, who studies social work. He interviewed me on my social network and goals for that. It was very confronting. But he asked some good questions. And might come with good advice in a while.
2. I called my dad and tried to find an opening to be more accepting of each others story. And more positive to each other. It didn't work out as I wanted. But I tried. And at least dad is open to speaking with a psychologist together.
3. When I was despairing, and prayed...suddenly a big wind blew through the window...and blew a postcard on the ground in front of me. Someone wrote it a long time ago. Saying God is there, over the heightest mountains and through the deepest waters...and offers light and hope. Maybe it's strange and stupid...but I was kind of seeing it as God giving me a little ray of light to hold on to. And pass on to others. Is that strange?
4. I'm cleaning up my house. The living room and kitchen is a more positive place to be now. For me and my son both.
My goal for the rest of the day is to relax. Go to the sauna. Read. Listen to music. Clean up a bit more.
I hate relying on substances, but I took saffron (antidepressant) and oil of oregano (anti anxiety) today. It helps.
I felt stupid. I called my dad because I was despairing. It doesn't help, it brings us both down. And he will and does use it against me.
I have to learn to not call my dad when I'm in a flashback. Whether angry, sad or anxious.
I need to respond to cps. They talk *. E.g. my relationship with my ex - he was sexually and emotionally violent and threatened my newborn - was described as "having a bit of friction". I'll do it with my help.
I think God wants me to stay still and let Him fight. But I find it hard to not fight back.
My son will also be here today.
Hi Marianne,
I hope you have a nice visit with your son. I can't believe how bittersweet it must feel. I hope you can respond to cps and correct the things needing correcting. I don't think your interpretation of the postcard is strange. I hope that ray of hope really helps. :grouphug:
I had a set back.
I was tested dairy intolerant. Whenever I eat dairy, I'm severely depressed. I realised this again yesterday. It was clear. I changed from content to depressed right after eating cheese. It's always the same. Gluten and eggs might be a problem too.
I have to stick to a healthy elimination diet.
I also realised my family will never stop using me as a scapegoat. I have to stop longing for a family who loves me for who I am...and build up my own life with my son.
And stay kind. No matter what. That doesn't mean I can't have boundaries. But if I lash out in return, I'm only making things worse.
It's been long enough. They won't change. I will.
I spoke with someone.
We spoke about the importance of forgiveness. About aiming to build my own life, independent of family. And about being grateful for the positive things in my family, that are there, despite the problems.
Forgiveness is powerful, if it can be granted, because it frees us from the servitude of anger and resentment. It doesn't change the past or make right the wrongs that were done. It simply sets us free especially when we are forgiving ourselves.
I wanted to add that forgiveness does not mean we have to embrace our abuser. I believe that we must be extremely cautious of inviting these people back into our lives. For me forgiveness means letting go. When my stepfather asked my forgiveness, I believe he was truly sincere, I granted it, but did not change how I interacted with him. I was not going to put myself, or my wife and children, in the danger. Our relationship was more cordial after that, but never close and certainly not unguarded.
Thanks. I read a part of your journal. I admire your strength to both forgive them and guard yourself and loved ones.
I think that's what I always did wrong. I quickly forgave. Without genuinely seeing what was wrong. Then completely let my guard down. And the problem continued.
Now I find it real tough to forgive my parents again.
My childhood wasn't by far as abusive as yours. But not safe either. And my child lives with my dad because of my ptsd. I cannot control this situation. And cannot keep a friendly distance between him and self/kid.
This makes recovery and forgiveness complicated for me.
On a positive note: I did recovery stuff today.
I worked. I felt horrid. But I managed to work. Still. And care for others.
I spoke to my jobcoach.
I ate regular meals. I had only two coffees.
I walked in the sun.
It's said that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and hoping they die.
When I forgive someone it doesn't change their lives at all. It changes my life. Forgiving my FOO is a gift I gave to myself. Little2Nothing said that it means letting go. That's how I see it too.
My abusers don't need ME to forgive them. Any forgiveness they need is between them and their god. I'm working with my own god to work out my own forgiveness. I need to forgive them so that I can start sleeping better at night and digesting food better. I need to forgive them so that I can move on. If I can forgive them within my own heart, it's my own heart that is set free. Or, as L2N says, I can finally let go of them, then I can move on.
Narcissists don't want forgiveness because they don't believe they've done anything wrong. They just laugh condescendingly if we tell them we forgive them.
Another thing I've learned is that I can't force forgiveness. What works for me, is working myself out of their lives, so that I simply forgive them organically by getting past what they are to me.
I sometimes call them alligators. I'm terrified of alligators, but I don't hate them. I just don't swim in their swamps with them. That's how I am with my FOO now. I don't hate them anymore, but I don't go anywhere near them anymore either. I know they'll bite if I get close. I don't have to hate them to stay away from them.
Thanks. That was insightful.
I think in my family, we all did wrong.
Me as well. I begged for forgiveness a billion times. And work hard on myself. But still feel guilty.
But there indeed...I don't think they see they too do wrong.
If I dare suggest my childhood had difficulties (say, csa)...they scream that it was bliss and there was no problem at all ever.
They then scream that they were unconditionally loving and helpful always.
And then scream I am evil for half an hour. And conclude that if I don't see how loving they are, I'm crazy.
There will be no sorry. I still want to forgive.
The difficulty is: it doesn't stop. I'd love to take my kid away from them and leave. And send a supersweet Christmas card every year. But I cannot. Legally I cannot.
I'm torn between wanting to scream at them that I want my child back. And wanting to beg them to please love me and my kid and cooperate.
Not sure.
Marianne,
You brought up a really good point about how they don't see that they too do wrong. There's a fun little Ted Talks video called Don't Regret Regret, that takes only 16 minutes to watch. I watch this every now and then to remind me that the fact that I am trying to forgive family and myself, proves I'm a good person. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka8L1YMR88U
My heart is with yours. I know that forgiveness is a difficult thing to do. I talk about what forgiveness I've been able to give, but I also admit that I still have a long way to go.
I have a serious problem with the act of forgiving myself also. I often find myself apologizing in agony during the day each time I remember something I said or did in the past.
Last week, my Therapist and I discussed this. What he said was not the total solution, but it was an answer that moved me forward a step or two. (I still have a way to go). He reminded me that punishing myself, and not forgiving myself, does not serve anyone, including myself. He said, "It's one thing to live with the things you've done, but it's pointless to actively punish yourself again and again, over and over, for those things." He reminds me that nobody is served by punishing ourselves. Not us, not our God, and not other people.
Forgiveness is far, far, far easier said than done. I find that I have forgiven my family completely. Then something happens and I remember what they did to me, and my forgiveness seems to void itself. I get angry again. I confess hatred for them again. But as I'm working through this, little by little, my episodes of feeling like I've accomplished forgiveness grow longer while my episodes of vengeful anger at them shrink to shorter and less often.
Thanks.
I find both forgiveness and feeling forgiven harder than I thought (when I dissociated a lot it was easier...I just forgot :)). Maybe I'm scared people will abuse it again.
I love how you describe the up and down of forgiveness. I thought that was me. I'm like "oh yeah I've forgiven that". And then bam. Something bad happens. And all the anger...and selfdirected anger...flare up.
In flare ups I switch between "People treated me horribly" and "I'm such a horrible person".
I had a day of stress. I needed to write to cps. Their report was full of utter *. I also made a well-intended decision my dad was angry about. I calmly stood my ground.
My lawyer helped me brilliantly. She managed to skip everything negative towards my dad. And hit a positive tone. As I asked.
I visited loving friends.
And God shows me the text "be still" every time this week. Be still, in his presence, wait for him to act. It helps me tremendously in the circumstances.
I'm praying for my son and my dad. I hurt them. I wish them well. And hope dad lets go of the cement wall he built between us. I try to be calm and kind, but with boundaries.
I also spoke with my psychotherapist. She seems good. She may also do systems therapy, or her colleague will.
My goals for the week:
- Live my own life well.
- Give my son and friends loving attention.
- Leave my dad alone. If he doesn't like me, I can't force him.
- Be still and wait for God. Don't fight.
- Speak about positive things. Don't speak negative things all week.
Hi Marianne,
I just wanted to wish you the best for your goals for the week.
Hope :)
Thank you hope. :)
I started a healthy paleo style diet. Especially skipping dairy and gluten is so important to my mental health. I just feel severely depressed every time I eat dairy, and I did that a lot lately.
Im also religiously taking my iron pills. Iron was very low. I think it causes mental struggles too.
Today son is sick, so the fun outing we planned isn't working. I'll make him hot tea and being sick food.
Torn.
My dad did so much damage to me and my son. And yet I crave his love. And feel guilty and obliged to love him.
Marianne, that is interesting. I started keto 4 years ago and was able ro het off all my meds.
I started it because I'm a type1 diabetic. However, cutting out sugar and a ton of carbs had a surprising side affect of helping my mental health.
I'm glad you found something that simple as a diet change to help you.
That is interesting!
Thanks for the encouragement. I was thinking to first start paleo, then transition to Keto again. It helps. But I lack discipline. Hearing it helped you helps me stick to it.
How long when you noticed effects?
It took several weeks to notice a difference which was unexpected.
I was able to stick with it because I am able to acheive non-diaabetic A1c's consistently. The mental health benefit was a bonus.
This is an interesting book on the subject. https://www.chrispalmermd.com/
Hi Marianne,
I'm sorry you feel that way about your dad. It's a tough position to be in and I can relate. For me, the only thing that stopped me craving/needing my mom was when she died. I knew I was never going to get that "thing" that I wanted. It took a few years and I came to the conclusion that the time she had on earth was to do the things she needed to do. I don't mean it in an excusatory way, though it might sound like that, but I think framing it in that way had helped me release some of the burden that I did something wrong, or there was something inherently wrong with me.
I also wanted to say that I relate to what you wrote about gluten. I took it out of my diet about 12 years ago and found that if I accidentally eat it, it can change my personality (ie much quicker to anger, anxiety etc). What I found out is that some people have a genetic predisposition to anxiety and depression via TNF-alpha SNPs. So, when there is inflammation present, as I understand, it can trigger these reactions. This is also interesting where some people have non-celiac wheat sensitivity, leading to higher levels of TNF-alpha. I tend to think that the body nd mind are connected and sometimes what's going on in the bodyy does have an effecr on how we'ree feeling, and how past trauma comes up (or doesn't) att times. https://journals.physiology.org/doi/full/10.1152/ajpgi.00104.2020
Sending you support :hug:
dolly
Today I had a lot of guilt and shame. But despite that I did some good things.
I called my dad, which I shouldn't have. But I kept my calm. He will always deny his problems. I need to accept that he will never change.
For myself:
- I prayed a lot.
- I sang hopeful songs.
- I ate sort of well.
- I visited the sauna.
- I did volunteering.
- I socialised.
- I booked a weekend away for Easter with my son.
- I cleaned a bit.
- I invited a friend to church for tonight.
Dolly thank you so much for your considerate reply. It is much appreciated.
I'm sorry you can relate. But thank you for sharing that.
I was so scared and sad end of yesterday. I shared my childhood story with a colleague. Then felt superbad for speaking negatively of my family.
Also, I had my period today.
Three things that keep my mind busy at the moment.
1. I was an idiot. I flashbacked. Felt guilty. And deleted the evidence that my dad hit me and lied to me and asked my son to lie. I felt my faith didn't allow me to keep track of others mistakes. But now I can't prove it. And we will never get help.
I had supergood evidence and now I feel like the most dumb idiot in the world. Who is going to believe a formerly psychotic lady saying "yeah well this guy that is superkind to you, is secretly very unkind to me, and I had evidence of everything, but now I deleted it, really". :(
2. I had a chat with my therapist. She's not christian and that bothers me a bit, because she doesn't understand the religious side of things. But she's good with trauma stuff.
I self-sabotage: I have fight and fawn responses to my dad. Which makes me alternate between texting him the things he did wrong. And texting him I'm horrible and depressed. Which he shows to others as proof that I'm unstable. Without telling them what he did to elicit these flashbacks. If I tell them, he lies.
I thought God told me to be still, so that he would fight. Then I wasn't still. And now I hate myself. I fear God is angry. I sabotage everything. I can't even shut the * up and do nothing when I'm in a flashback. Even if my kid's wellbeing depends on it. :(
3. So I talked with the therapist. And we decided I make a flashback box. It's cool. It makes me feel I can do something, but something posivite. I actually made it into two flashback boxes. A "fight-box"_when I have an angry flashback. And "fawn-box" when I have a shameful flashback. I bought them already. I put things in it to soothe myself. She says in flashbacks you can't think. So you need simple and sensory cues.
As an example: I'm filling up my fawn box now. It has cards with religious quotes that I'm worthy and God loves me. It has calming essential oils. It has a cuddly animal toy. It has calming tea. A book with uplifting texts. It will have a cd with gospel music. Etc.
Tomorrow I'll fill up the fight box. It will have a bag of rice to punch. Cards that tell me to shut up and leave it to God. And some other stuff.
I have a chat with cps in a few weeks. I'm terrified. They bought my dad's manipulation hook line and sinker or whatever English people call that. So I'm on the defense. And I had proof, and now I haven't. :(
Advice is welcome.
:hug:
Hugs to you Marianne. You're in a really tough situation. My only advice is just to be kinder to yourself. Like maybe talk to yourself the way you would to a child? It's OK that you deleted things. You had your reason when you did. That's trauma and also your admirable value system of not wanting to tally and prove others' wrongs. The part of you that deleted that stuff had reasons and it has to do with protecting yourself. It might not make sense to the adult Marianne but you had a reason for doing it. :grouphug:
I saw a beautiful church service. It was about healing. It gave hope.
I spoke kindly to dad. He spoke kindly back. He is hurt, but not bad.
I think I did well to delete it. I don't think fighting my dad is the way that helps my child.
I want to be empathic to my dad. I'm an extremely open person who blurts out things. Cps demands I cooperate with him. My faith tells me to serve people.
Also, though, he made me ill, alienated my child and family from me, he is a manipulator, and he would easily stab me in the back if it suits him.
I spoke about my family with church people.
1. I made a more full choice to forgive and no longer fight back. I really feel forgiveness now. I see my parents tried, but were clueless. And I wasn't better.
2. I do think about no contact. To recover. And repair my mind. Im asking around for an intermediate. When he is honest, or I am stronger, I will come back.
3. Im doubting...my dad has major resistance against acknowledging his trauma, his share in the problems, and his faults. I tried real hard to make him see and work on his share. He refuses. I think it's too painful. I feel guilty for confronting him so harshly. I will let it be. And speak about the positive sides. There's no use saddening an old man who is clueless. Let him the illusion that my childhood was bliss and he's the great rescuer - that was part of the story too.
4. That doesn't mean I will go along in his lies anymore. I notice his lying corrupts me too. The last weeks I panicked. Because he lies, cps sees my stress responses as the problem...and doesn't see his behaviour leading up to them. He also uses my stress reactions against me, and refuses to acknowledge he causes them. E.g. he will threaten, then when I say I am angry, he will tell everyone I was real mean, and I get into trouble.
I noticed the last weeks...normally I am honest. But now I was twisting things, and frightened to be true...because if he lies, and I am true...the complete story goes askew.
How do you deal with a pathological liar in court? Be true and have that abused? Or start to lie too? I decided on the first. I dont want my character corrupted. But I will not talk personal things with dad anymore.
Also, my work is my joy. I work with autistic and mentally disabled kids. They are really my joy.
Im also spending a weekend with kid. It is fun.
And dad did nice, he brought us to the b&b. With such practical things he is kind.
Hello Marianne,
I can totally relate to the feelings you have expressed.
I thought I might give a bit of hope.
https://www.cgsecurity.org/wiki/TestDisk_Download
You will need to download and install the proper version for your computer OS. However, this can recover files, pictures, basically anything that you have deleted. I can't say that it's 100% recovery rate because if there had been other files written onto that area of your storage. I can say that I have used this before (the photorec part) and the amount of files recovered was impressive.
Hope this helps.
Hello Marianne, I have read your journal, and feel sad for you that you are in the difficult situation that you are in. BTW, I'm a Christian too. I understand how it can complicate matters such as being required to forgive, show honor to parents, etc. My personal understanding of forgiveness, is that it means giving up the right to punish a person who has hurt us. And, we can forgive someone, and still stay away from them for our own self protection. However, I also think forgiveness includes letting go of anger and bitterness. I think one of the mistakes some people make is thinking forgiveness is a "once and done" thing. I'm learning that it is a long process, and probably lifelong for those of us with severe abuse. I, too, will feel forgiving and free of anger, and then another day a memory will come up, or a youtube video on narcissism will reveal to me a new layer of how I was hurt and my life damaged, and I'll get angry again. I think it is a matter of working through all of the stuff that they have done to us. For me, it feels like removing the layers of an onion one my one.
Prayers and best wishes to you and your son, and your father as well.