This feeling is stuck with me, well, all my life as far as I can remember. Recovery work, healing and learning, awareness - these are the things my life is centered around, I couldn´t find anything more meaningful if I tried, but this feeling, this unease and burden is stronger then all the healing and learning, at least I feel this way right now. I´ve always been very impatient and gave up immediately after the first problem or challenge appeared, so maybe that´s why I feel hopeless in this case, too. Because the bad things were present in my life more persistently and for a longer time than healing.
This persistent feeling is that I don´t belong anywhere. Especially now, in the summer, when I look out my window or have a walk outside, I can see that everything is calm, bright and beautiful, it feels like everything is in the right place. Everything but me. :spaceship:
When I think about it, the rational part of my mind knows that it´s not about my worthlessness, but about my trauma. That I was forced to grow up very early, be an adult in a child´s body, without being able to go through all the important steps which the child needs to the healthy development of her individual self. I was thrown in at the deep end and had to swim, but now I don´t feel like I learned how to swim. I learned only how to survive, but that´s not swimming, it´s just instinct. So yeah, I know that I´m confused and can´t find my place in the world because my self is a distorted mass of traumatic events and hard feelings I cannot understand from the child´s perspective even if I´m an adult now - but understanding doesn´t make it go away.
And now, it feels like it is the other way around like it used to be -- I was and adult child, but now I´m a childish adult. Of course I am, it was unhealthy to take on adult responsibilities before the time was right and now I´m stuck with these two versions of me -- a child that was not allowed to be a child and an adult that didn´t learn properly how to be an adult. :stars:
All my life I´ve been jealous of people who seemed to stand on the ground firmly, certain of the fact that THEY BELONG. I never felt that. And I think this is something that is at least partly responsible for lots of other unpleasant things, for example my lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. How could I have those things when the "self" part is something I never knew - I don´t even know if I have a self (I don´t think about it in a Buddhist sense of selflessness, more in a psychoanalytical way, in which there IS a self - in normal circumstances), because I was never taught that I have one, that I´m an independent person with boundaries and all. And without it, I feel like I´m not able to face the challenges and the uncertainty of the life, which leads me to shy away from life itself. It manifests in inability to take risks and chances and it makes me feel SO DESPERATE. Because I know that I´m smart and capable and eager to do good things for myself and for other people in the world, I just can´t make the first few steps. I´m stuck with this burden and feel like I´m a prisoner of my own mind and traumatic memories. :fallingbricks:
:blahblahblah: Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get this off my chest a little. Also, I will be glad if you decide to share your thoughts with me on this. :)
I'm so sorry you have this feeling Dalloway, so many of us have it and it's unfair and unrealistic and yet there it is inside of us.
I don't know if this will help, but you do belong here. And I hope as happened with me and many others as you post and members respond that they get it you don't feel different and that you do have a community where you fit in perfectly.
It may take a bit of time to feel that but if you stick with it you may notice you are feeling less alien and different. That's my hope for you :grouphug:
:yeahthat:
:hug:
Quote from: Dalloway on June 23, 2024, 01:36:16 PMI´m stuck with these two versions of me -- a child that was not allowed to be a child and an adult that didn´t learn properly how to be an adult. :stars:
A powerful statement, and one I'm sure many here see their own reflection in, including myself.
I wish I could offer more solace but I too struggle with the isolation that you express, however - I hear you and I really do wish the best for you.
Regards,
Aphotic.
:hug:
Hi Dalloway,
Thank you so much for taking the time to express yourself. Your post was so full of emotion and well stated. I feel very much the same ways.
Yes, the trauma was the root cause. Yes, there is worthlessness in there. Yes, my thinking mind understands this, too. The emotions are a whole other ball of wax, which isn't the easiest medium to work with, shape, and remold. We have to sculpt it, melt it, freeze it, push it, poke it, prod it, let it sit for a while, and seemingly start all over again.
:stars:
Again, your honesty and self-exposure here are much appreciated. I'm sorry you're feeling all this. I hope we can find community and belonging here together.
-Cascade
:grouphug:
Quote from: Dalloway on June 23, 2024, 01:36:16 PMAll my life I´ve been jealous of people who seemed to stand on the ground firmly, certain of the fact that THEY BELONG. I never felt that. And I think this is something that is at least partly responsible for lots of other unpleasant things, for example my lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. How could I have those things when the "self" part is something I never knew - I don´t even know if I have a self (I don´t think about it in a Buddhist sense of selflessness, more in a psychoanalytical way, in which there IS a self - in normal circumstances), because I was never taught that I have one, that I´m an independent person with boundaries and all. And without it, I feel like I´m not able to face the challenges and the uncertainty of the life, which leads me to shy away from life itself. It manifests in inability to take risks and chances and it makes me feel SO DESPERATE. Because I know that I´m smart and capable and eager to do good things for myself and for other people in the world, I just can´t make the first few steps. I´m stuck with this burden and feel like I´m a prisoner of my own mind and traumatic memories. :fallingbricks:
This could be me writing this...I relate to so much of what you shared, Dalloway. Particularly the feeling that I never belong, lacking self-esteem and self-confidence, and feeling like "I'm a prisoner of my own mind and traumatic memories."
But I noticed that you also recognized that you are "smart and capable and eager to do good things..."
Don't let go of that. That says a lot about you and the kind of person you are, and that whatever's been done to you, or whatever you've been through, it hasn't stolen the essence of who you are.
I also want to share, from my own experience, that the times I DID face my fears, and take risks--even when I failed--are times I don't regret. If nothing else, I learned from my mistakes. No matter our pace, or if it's just taking baby steps, I believe we each have the potential to conquer the things that hold us back.
Not sure if that's helpful, but know you're in good company here... :hug:
Thank you all for your kind words and support, it means a lot to me knowing that people do care and are here for each other. Being part of this beautiful community is one of the best things that ever happened to me and the best therapy one could ask for. I´m grateful and proud of us all :bighug:
:yeahthat:
:grouphug:
Dalloway, everything you wrote resonates within me! I often wonder who I am. How much of my "self" is just my programmed reactions that kept me safe then. Do I do things because I want to, or because I think it's what I should do? How can you be yourself when you don't know who you are?
Thank you for putting your feelings out there.
Stillost, yes, I very much relate to what you´re writing about the self. This has been the most difficult thing to come to terms with in my life - the concept of "true" or "authentic" self, which for me is SOO hard to recognize because - as you also mentioned - I can´t separate my actions and behaviors from my traumas. Sometimes I think that if I peeled off all the layers from myself and my history, nothing would remain, because somehow I am who I am together with these past events and experiences, but it´s still very frustrating. I feel helpless thinking about my "personality" and how it evolved under the pressure from an outside "power" or source.
So yes, it´s a mess to figure out where do your traumatic inprints end and where do you begin :fallingbricks:
I just wanna say I feel for you too Dalloway and I understand what you're feeling, like so many of us here.
For me it has to do with being able to stay in my body somehow. Feel grounded. That's when I feel I belong. Safe and trouble-free. Usually for just short moments. But we can practice. I know it's hard though. Just never feeling good enough. Or in a doubt whether we're good enough.
At the moment I cannot really talk though, I am in a bit of a difficult situation, trying to hold on, observing what's going on here and trying to stay present. When I have the opportunity, I will try to get back on it.
Desert Flower, I´m sorry you´re in a difficult situation. I really appreciate your thoughts on belonging, what you wrote about grounding yourself in the body sounds very interesting. I´m glad there´s something you found useful. :)
:hug:
Quote from: Dalloway on July 28, 2024, 12:11:28 PMSometimes I think that if I peeled off all the layers from myself and my history, nothing would remain, because somehow I am who I am together with these past events and experiences, but it´s still very frustrating. I feel helpless thinking about my "personality" and how it evolved under the pressure from an outside "power" or source.
You seem to speak directly from my own heart, Dalloway. I understand your frustrations. :hug:
Regards,
Aphotic.
Thank you, Aphotic, it means a lot knowing that there are people who understand. In my life there are only three, maybe four people (on better days) who do, but here everyone seem to know what am I talking about. :)
Hi Dalloway,
Yes, it's hard for me, too, to try to find myself. My goal is to accept and integrate my trauma into my new life and my new self, whatever that means. I certainly don't need the weight of all of it. There's a lot to peel off, rip off, shrug off, etc. But I also feel like my past is what made me, for better or worse, and I need to start loving myself. So I can love, accept, and integrate what's helpful.
-Cascade
Quote from: Cascade on August 11, 2024, 05:07:02 PMMy goal is to accept and integrate my trauma into my new life and my new self, whatever that means.
:yeahthat:
Quote from: Cascade on August 11, 2024, 05:07:02 PMBut I also feel like my past is what made me, for better or worse, and I need to start loving myself.
Yes, there´s no one who doesn´t have any past at all. Some of us suffered more, some less, but I don´t want to see myself and my life only as a negative consequence of someone´s bad behavior.
Dalloaway,
I absolutely resonate with your search for your authentic self. It's one of the most confusing aspects of Complex PTSD. They likely chose the word "complex" because it defines the complexity around how we were slowly, methodically, given this lifelong confusion of wondering who we are. It also speaks to the complexity of the myriad symptoms we have, that we can't attach directly to trauma. It also references the complexity of our healing journeys. Normal PTSD is when a person knows who they are, then has a traumatic experience, and changes. They know who they were. They know what caused the rift. They know how their reactions are tied to it. They know what they are in therapy for. To be traumatized by a slow process of gaslighting from birth gives us NO history before the trauma. We don't know who we were born to be, so we don't know what parts of our personalities are trauma versus authentic self.
The complexity of our treatments means that we might get some help from some aspects of our trauma disorder through each of the various things we do to heal. No one cure exists, but many helpful treatments chip away at the ice block until we start to feel strong again.
I want to say this to you though: By reading your posts, and your reactions to others, and your gratitude to everyone who responds to you, I feel pretty darn sure that whatever your authentic self is, it is steeped in kindness, compassion, and gentleness. Bad people can't say nice things the way you do. So, as you toss around your personality attributes, wondering which are trauma and which are authentic, know this: Kindness is absolutely part of your authentic self. I'm so very glad to read your posts and your responses to the others because I can feel your kind compassion through your words.
So, I hope I'm giving you one sturdy building block that you can use to start building your authentic self with. No matter what else you are, kindness and goodness are already part of that self.
Papa Coco, thank you very much for your kind words, validating my struggles with looking for "myself" means a lot to me. I like the idea of slowly building your authentic self, because -- as you also mentioned -- we, people with CPTSD don´t really have anything to return to, no basic knowledge of the self, no safe haven we were excluded from. It gives me hope that even though I feel the void and the emptiness sometimes, this blank space can serve as a place to build something beautiful on.
Lately I´ve been experiencing something that Susan Jeffers describes in her book Feel the fear and do it anyway, as "divine homesickness" -- the feeling of not belonging anywhere, of not having any roots or safe ground beneath my feet, as a result of the loss of the authentic self. This feeling was my loyal companion all my life and I always thought that it´s impossible to find myself because I never really existed. But I´m starting to believe that I can slowly build a bridge and incorporate all the things I learn along the way and all the best qualities -- kindness, compassion, gratitude -- that I need to build that bridge to meet myself somewhere in the process.
So thank you again, your kindness radiates from every word of yours and this kindness fills my heart with hope and joy. :grouphug:
This thread, this search for the authentic self and this feeling of not knowing where you are/belong, just now reminded me of something Haruki Murikami wrote in his book 'Sputnik Sweetheart' and that I wrote down a long time ago. For me, it also has to do with change and growth, not being able to hold on anymore to the coping styles I had, even if they were unhealthy, at least they were familiar. In order to be able to grow. I hope you don't mind my sharing. It goes like this:
"- I think most people live in a fiction. The biggest problem right now is that you don't know what sort of fiction you're dealing with. You don't know the plot; the style's not set. The only thing you do know is the main character's name. Nevertheless, this new fiction is reinventing who you are. Give it time, it'll take you under it's wing and you may very well catch a glimpse of a new world. But you're not there yet, which leaves you in a precarious position.
- I understand what you mean by precarious. Sometimes I feel so - I don't know - lonely. The kind of helpless feeling when everything you're used to has been ripped away. Like there's no more gravity, and I'm left to drift in outer space with no idea where I'm going.
- Like a little lost sputnik?"
- Haruki Murikami -
Holding on to something that´s familiar, even if it´s unhealthy -- I feel it. Thank you for sharing this with me. :)