TW: Suicidal ideation (SI)
:fallingbricks: :stars: ???
Oh thank goodness. Just when I was starting to do better, a brand spanking new, massive EF arrives. Yay! I wondered where all the crappy feelings went. I'm still in the first 24 hours and was wayyyyy too upset last night to sleep.
:pissed:
I'm such a gullible, stupid fool. I hear Bugs Bunny saying, "What a maroon." People lie to me, and as long as it's what I so desperately want to hear, I fall hook, line, and sinker. I believe them just because it sounds so good. I want to believe them. But it's all lies. How many times do I have to subject myself to this before I learn?! Well, I'm finally taking the hints. No one really wants to be a friend. No one really cares about me. They just want to make it look good and sound good so they feel better about themselves. It's all lies, and when the lies can't work, I get excuses. It is possible that the lies and excuses were initially offered to spare my feelings. Well, when I found out the real truth yesterday, I didn't feel so spared. The truth always comes out, no matter how much someone may want it hidden.
I'm so tired of relational games and refuse to play. This un-life continues, despite my deepest desires for it to end. I guess I actually have to leave the house in order to get gunned down somewhere in America with an assault rifle, huh? Or to get in a head-on accident with a drunk driver? Oh well, that ain't happenin' cuz my head ain't even gonna peek out the door. Maybe there will be a terminal illness that qualifies for assisted suicide. Let it be soon, c'mon universe! I'm so ready to be done! But since that's my ticket out, of course it won't happen. I don't ever get anything I want for myself. I will just end up existing, lifeless and miserable, in this Hades on Earth for at least another 51 years. There is no healing from this, just waiting for the next EF so we can maybe try some skills (if we have them) to make it through until the following EF.
Now, where's that hole I crawled out of in March? Probably somewhere here in bed. I'm so done trying to put myself out there.
:spooked:
I'm sorry you're dealing with an EF. I hope it passes soon.
I'm sorry someone you trusted lied to you. Betrayal is so hard. SI sucks. eF's suck. I can tell you opened up to this person with high hopes they would be a friend. I hope you'll be gentle with yourself. It's not your fault.
Cascade,
Here's what I like about you. Your humor mixed with self-loathing is a winner. Bugs Bunny? Yes, we're in the right neighborhood. I like slobbering Sylvester. Repeat after me, "I am not a moron, a fool or even gullible. I am a woman of openness, energy and love."
Agoraphobic benefits are safety, safety, safety. However, you nailed it when you listed the dangers of going out. I also wished for a terminal illness, I got close, but dam that little breast cancer, I survived. I still long for palliative care though. Imagine having unconditional attention and love. Too bad dying is the price.
We trusted what we THOUGHT were trustworthy people. But when they disappoint, betray and do all their crappy things, it's really hard to remember it's THEIR stuff, not ours. Yes, Virginia, if you can, put up that mirror and bounce that right back. Metaphorically speaking.
I'm in an intense period of viewing THE SCHOOL OF LIFE videos on You Tube. Their lessons go down easy with animation and colorful graphics. Maybe you could use those as a buoy, life jacket or pretend drug?
But if nothing is going to work, create a soothing place for yourself to rest. Sleep if you can. :hug:
Thanks, NarcKiddo. The shock has passed and my brain is starting to work just a little bit. All of the feelings are still there, though, to be dealt with in one way or another. Ugh. I don't believe I signed up for this life. People say it will get better. Still waiting, after 51 years.
Phoebes, thank you so much for your insightful understanding. Yes, I did open up with high hopes of friendship. I'm still very confused about what happened. I know I am bringing my own injuries and feelings of blindsided rejection to the situation. I'm just not sure how much is that (probably most of it), how much was intentional by the other person (even if to "protect me" from rejection), and how much might've been a misunderstanding that could've happened to anyone.
Lakelynn, I appreciate your efforts to lift me up. Life's just a bowl of sufferin' succotash. I haven't found any cherries yet, ever. Last night, I watched the old Dangerous Liaisons movie so I could see Michelle Pfeiffer yell at John Malkovich, "I don't want your lies and excuses!"
Guess that's it for now. It's all I can handle.
-Cascade
Cascade, I'm sorry for the EF, I wish I could give you some advice, but all I can say is that I feel for you and hope it will soon get better. I know what it's like to feel that every good moment was just a lie or a short period in a life-long suffering. It really sucks.
Wish you the best and sending hugs. :hug:
Dalloway, thanks so much for stopping by to offer your understanding and support and hugs. Yep, I'm in a pretty sucky place.
-Cascade
The shock of it all still keeps coming back in waves. Another night of not sleeping. At least the other person is moving on with people they actually want to spend time and energy with, and they won't have to deal with the burden of me. It will never be me anyone actually cares about, for anyone. I'm finally taking the hint and accepting the fact that people in general just aren't that into me. At least my two cats love me (I think).
Wish I were normal enough to take a vacation somewhere far away, like in Under the Tuscan Sun. Find a new house, a new life, any kind of purpose in life. Oh well, these four walls and the cats will have to do. Maybe I'll watch the movie anyway and sit here and cry. First though, I need to wash the coffee pot and get today's brew going. Didn't have the energy yesterday to deal with rotating things through the dishwasher.
Dear Cascade,
I am also sending you a hug of support :hug: I hope that when you brewed your coffee that it tasted good. I remember something about that film Under the Tuscan Sun - I think of sunshine and warmth and blue skies when I think of it. Maybe you need to cry and let some of those feelings out? Whatever you decide to do - I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight.
Hope :)
Got 'em Hope, thanks for the hugs!
Yes, here's to sleep at some point, maybe after another good cry.
-Cascade
Cascade, maybe start coming back from this EF here where everyone gets it. No-one here is going to walk away or put you down or do anything except support you because we've been through it and understand.
EFs are so hard and sometimes I wish we could be doing this in person so we could give you caring hug you can feel. But alas virtual hugs and support are what we can offer.
You may need to be crawling under the covers but when you think about it you are coming out long enough to post and perhaps this is where trust starts over again. Right now that's really hard and perfectly understandable as you suffered a big blow.
Later on you may want to look at the fact that you're cared about here and consider that there are people in life who will genuinely care also.
In the meantime a big group hug for you :grouphug:
Cascade, I'm really sorry you're feeling so low. It sucks, I know and all of us here do. I hope you know the people out here do care for you and that our support may help you a little bit. (I do love the School of Life too.) Big :hug: hug.
:yeahthat:
Cascade, I know what will bust you out of your EF... a nice long lecture about self-positivism!!!
Er, maybe not...
Cascade, your perspective on this forum is unique. I value your advice, input, support and not least of all your humor. I know you are fighting through an EF, but don't forget... it's not your first. For better or for worse, you know this "pattern". It means you've still got work to do. Sorry for that, but it WILL pass. And you will come out of it stronger and further along in your healing journey. You are a warrior and you know how to resist, reduce and re-educate (hey, that's kinda catchy... The Three R's of Flashback management...) :)
Ok, get your negative self-image out here on the forum so we can help you battle it back. In any case you know as well as us that it's just not true. You're in an EF, be nice to you.
You are loved and valued here Cascade. Hang tough, I PROMISE you this EF will be short lived.
Sending love, hugs and support.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
:grouphug:
Hi Cascade,
Like Kizzie said, we get it. I've fallen into a dark hole never wanting to date again after a recent rejection and that feeling (about myself) is awful. It's also painfully familiar and it's like a repeat of what I experienced about myself growing up. But I'm not that kid and when I come back into adult consciousness, I can see that I'm still here and I'm still whole. I also think to some degree I was projecting my past experiences onto the present one, and that they're not the same. Not that I'm faulting myself for that, just that I'm learning to have more space with the feelings as they come up and dig into what's going on. It sucks in the first place that we had those experiences where we weren't wanted and I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Sending you support,
dolly
:grouphug:
I hear you and thank you all.
Processing... this is so hard... so much pain...
Thinking about you Cascade... Hope you are doing a little bit better.
Sending more hugs, love and support.
Thanks, Chart, for checking in on me!
There's so much to say. I am finally doing better again. Trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what happened.
This experience is showing me a lot of things, which are still coalescing. I think this stage of getting worse before it gets better is because things are coming out into the light and I'm actually trying to change the deeply ingrained, automatic responses. It feels like I'm flailing around in the dark as I figure out how to change. I realized in my therapy session yesterday that that's okay.
:bigwink: I'll have more opportunities to practice (grrr and ugh).
I designed the cheat sheet below to keep handy for next time.
Take care, all. I really appreciate everyone's support!
:grouphug:
-Cascade
Cascade,
I love the cheat sheet, and your decision to deal with and learn from your experience. That takes grit and guts. Flailing is part of my process as well. Yeah, those "opportunities" are a double edged sword.
:hug:
You're doing great Cascade! This is resilience. And love your cheat sheet too. Should make something like that myself.
:cheer:
:wave: Lakelynn and Desert Flower,
Thanks for being here with me, hugging me, and cheering me on. It was so great to realize I can cut myself some slack for not having it all figured out yet.
-Cascade
Hi everyone,
I know my go-to response is intellectualization (e.g., the cheat sheet). I still have to sit with the feelings... really sit with them. I'll chalk this up to psychoeducation rather than procrastination as I honor and begin to learn my own process for responding differently.
:bigwink:
I've been in the body recovery and emotional safety steps so far. Just the basics. More later when I can face the beast and articulate things a little better.
-Cascade
:grouphug:
Quote from: Cascade on August 08, 2024, 02:39:20 PMI still have to sit with the feelings... really sit with them.
It's like introducing myself to my feelings. I haven't allowed them for so long. :'(
It's like introducing myself to me. This is all improving my relationship with myself.
It's okay, hurt little ones. I'm here and I love you. I want to meet you. I want to meet me.
-Cascade 💗
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Quote from: Cascade on August 08, 2024, 03:01:55 PMThis is all improving my relationship with myself.
This is a wonderful perspective.Really sitting with feelings without intellectualizing, problem solving and distracting is what my T advised this morning. (I have therapy at 8:00 AM!)
When I asked why it was so important, she said" So you'll see it won't kill you."
I called her a B1tch! My tolerance is so very short.
Wow, Lakelynn, I probably would've had the same thought! Lots of things aren't going to kill me, but that's not a good enough reason for me to try them. I'm sorry that happened.
:hug:
I have to keep things framed in terms of my two big goals: improving my relationship with myself and building my sense of self-worth. To me, those seems like better reasons to do things.
-Cascade
Lessons Learned (so far)
I was indeed able to come out of this EF within a week, which probably would've lasted two or three weeks back at the beginning of this year. My body, mind, and emotions are ready to begin to "meet the feelings with curiosity."
There's a lot coming up.
The thing about my father and birthdays kept coming to mind. I always thought, "Maybe this year I'll be old enough for him to see me and care about me." Somehow I thought it must be about me being a kid that he didn't like. Oh yeah, right, because he actually
told me I was a worthless [expletive] kid.
So each birthday, I hoped and trusted in the love everyone kept telling me he did have for me. And year after year, I was disappointed. I think the parallel is in the putting myself out there with trust, and then the rejection. It's not so much about the birthdays or age or even feeling special because someone wants to spend time with me. It's about that cycle of feelings through trust and rejection.
Then the other thing that just came up this morning was about me being "too much." The sensation was a hand around my throat and being choked. The sense of self-expression was being choked off, cut off, shut down.
It was the sense of needing more than people can give. I needed way more than my father could give. He didn't even want to be a father. While my mother did want to be a mother, her own wounds led to limitations in her abilities.
To put all this together, I guess we have the need for attachment, trust, and rejection. Pretty basic. Why was that so hard to write?! Feeling it heart and soul is different from knowing it in the mind. Now I can feel what it does to me.
The need for attachment doesn't mean I'm gullible.
Trusting doesn't make me a fool.
Rejection isn't always about me.
I'm the adult now. I can choose my attachments. I can trust in myself and accept myself. Rejecting myself was the most hurtful part of all this. I thought it was about not feeling loved by anyone else. I know I need to love myself before anyone else can love me. It's about not allowing myself to love myself for who I am, because my reaction was about shutting me down, my expressions, my needs, before anyone else could do it to me.
My body's getting very uncomfortable and squirmy, like a kid who wants to bolt. First, let me say some comforting words. You are beautiful. You have beautiful thoughts. You say beautiful things. You make beautiful things in your world. I'm excited to see and hear all the beautiful things yet to come.
The parents were wrong to shut you down. You are free to be yourself. You are free to come to me for help. Let's work together, on the same side. I have a cheat sheet now, so I'll try to do better next time!
-Cascade
That's some great self-reflection Cascade :thumbup: Very glad to hear you came out of your EF!
That's beautiful and powerful Cascade! :applause:
Quote from: Cascade on August 10, 2024, 03:28:47 PMIt's about that cycle of feelings through trust and rejection.
Quote from: Cascade on August 10, 2024, 03:28:47 PMThe sensation was a hand around my throat and being choked.
Quote from: Cascade on August 10, 2024, 03:28:47 PMRejection isn't always about me.
I love seeing your lessons and how you worked through this. I'm happy for you! You didn't ask, but if I were to pick the main thought that ties everything together,
"Rejection isn't always about me. Continue healing Sister! :hug:
Thanks, Lakelynn! :hug:
I'm all about take-home messages, so I appreciate you mentioning yours. It's a tough one to remember when the shame is such an automatic response.
-Cascade
Quote from: Lakelynn on August 08, 2024, 05:28:35 PMQuote from: Cascade on August 08, 2024, 03:01:55 PMThis is all improving my relationship with myself.
This is a wonderful perspective.
Really sitting with feelings without intellectualizing, problem solving and distracting is what my T advised this morning. (I have therapy at 8:00 AM!)
When I asked why it was so important, she said" So you'll see it won't kill you."
I called her a B1tch! My tolerance is so very short.
Sorry Lakelynn if this is the wrong reaction but I feel like chuckling and sending you a hug! :hug:
No problem Armee. S'all good! Thank you. :hug: I practiced yesterday...