I don't think I ever really knew, but when I was younger I had at least some kind of idea. I had a few labels I could hang on myself that felt worthwhile, that felt like they could meaningfully define me in some positive way. I had things I wanted, things I expected, things I truly enjoyed. I haven't got anything like that now. All I am now is a shell filled with former selves.
Oh, Bach, I hear every word you're saying about this. :'(
I feel very much the same. I don't know why, but it seems like the more I learn about myself and all the former selves inside the empty shell of me, maybe it doesn't really match the ideas I tried to believe about myself when I was in denial about everything, just trying to "succeed" and be the best person I could be. I'm just thinking out loud as I'm writing here.
Quote from: Bach on August 12, 2024, 12:38:23 AMI had a few labels I could hang on myself that felt worthwhile, that felt like they could meaningfully define me in some positive way.
It's so hard to get away from labels and down to our identities. Who am I? A woman? A teacher? A scientist? Yes, I have been all of these. They can change, though. Well, the gender identity is pretty firm! Anyway, my therapist talked me through using values instead of labels to define my self-identity. First I picked ten from a list of values, then narrowed down to five, then to three. For me, those were love, inner strength, and integrity. I try to remember to stop and ask myself if what I'm doing aligns with those... or if what I'm
believing or telling myself aligns with those. It's an exercise right now. I'm not 100% convinced that values is the way to go with self-identity, though. It feels like I am so much more than values.
Maybe it's the little eternal spark of higher self or soul that Chart talked about.
Quote from: Chart on August 11, 2024, 02:32:31 PMI'm learning in therapy that I have 3 "layers": The body, the emotions, the intellect. They all interact, but the element that connects the three is what could be called the "soul". This is the center, the being that is me, my true inner "self". My therapist has explained that this inner spark is indestructible and eternal.
I look forward to discovering who you are, Bach, along with myself and the rest of us here. You know what?... It's okay that we don't know. Thank you for posting this and putting "yourself" out there (pun intended!). I just see someone compassionately trying to figure themselves out. We can do this, together.
-Cascade
:grouphug:
P.S. I just had another thought as a possibility. Maybe by looking for ourselves, we are finding the best parts... the parts that can love, be compassionate, etc., and they are so foreign that we can't recognize them. To me, it kinda feels like whoever I am, I am changing by going through whatever this process is we're going through here.
It's tricky for sure Bach. I often feel like an empty shell filled with trauma responses. I don't love that IFS asks for the true SELF to lead because I feel the same as you...what is my true self? The things I consider to be who I am are all reactions to how I grew up and the yucky experiences I've had. All the way down to kindness and honesty. True self when there are multiple versions of the 46yr old me? Which one is the true self? Anyway just saying I can relate and I get frustrated by it too. :grouphug:
I resonate with this Bach.
:hug: to you Bach.
I'm sooooooooooooo lost in here :stars:
Bach, I'm so sorry. I can only send good OOTS energy from here at the forum hugs :grouphug: ignore if too close. Idk what else to say or do.
Thank you, Blueberry :grouphug: And Cascade, and Armee, and rainy and Hope. :grouphug: I'm really in a deep pit right now, looking for a way out, not seeing it at the moment but still believing it's there.
I'm sorry you are stuck down there.
I think I see some footholds in your pit. :hug:
The first one it looks like your foot is already on...just accepting it's OK you're there, and the next one too....that there's a way out even if you can see it yet.
Hang on and write about it here, when you can. :grouphug:
Bach,
I so easily resonate with how you're feeling. I wish I could fly out to your city just to give you a real hug, but thankfully, the emojis are here and take a lot less travel time.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
When my oldest son almost died from cancer, I picked up a bunch of "Cancer sucks" stickers for all my vehicles. Now I feel like maybe having some made up that say "Trauma SUCKS!" And plaster them all over my car. Sometimes just lashing out like that is all I can do. Trauma SUCKS! Period.
Bach,
Totally savvy. Some of my backstory.
According to the official records I was placed with a family at 9 months, and the legal paperwork was completed.. 6 months later. Wasn't genetically related to me at all. Nothing 'gelled' I didn't sound like them, talk like them, like what they liked, interested in what they were interested in. Course the "jokes" didn't help. "Oh, we found you in the cabbage patch" and the gaslighting "Your mother loved you so much she gave you up." *??
Not to mention the dogma that was force fed to me. :blink:
I get it Bach.
Having a safe place to let all the "stuff" inside tumble out is really helps.
Wishing you all the best
I'm sorry you're stuck in that pit. I'm sure there is a way out. It can take a while to find it though. Sometimes you find it by scouring every inch of the pit until you stumble across it. Sometimes you find it by sitting still, very still, and waiting until your eyes adjust to the gloom, or your skin feels a tiny draught from the exit passageway. If one method doesn't work, therefore, please take comfort from knowing there are others. It isn't hopeless. However you find the way out, I hope you find it soon.
:grouphug:
thinking of you, bach, even if you're still in that pit. sending lots of pos. energy your way. hope to see you soon. love and hugs :hug:
Last entry August 21st... That seems like an eternity ago. Bach I hope with all my heart you're doing better.
My only input I feel could count for anything is that I've recently opened up to a little spirituality. Looking for something greater that also encompasses me and my existence. There's rumor amongst the physicians and cosmologists that every black hole is another universe... and that we ourselves are the product of an immense event horizon beyond our observable limits.
https://youtu.be/A8bBhkhZtd8?si=Z20AP2K8p3NT76L2
Does that help? Oddly for me it does. It means that there are things that are literally beyond my understanding that still need to be sorted through. One of those things is Life itself, and thus my life. My severe "dysfunction" simply must have a significance. It's all I can believe. And I want to know what it might be.
Does this help? I can well imagine, no, it doesn't help. Or maybe not much. I don't know. All I know is that your words echo inside me too. I feel your sadness and struggle and so wish I could do something... for both of us.
Sending love. Sending hope.
Who am I?
I am a person who has squandered her potential and disappointed herself to the extreme.
Quote from: Bach on August 12, 2024, 12:38:23 AMAll I am now is a shell filled with former selves.
This is very relatable to me right now. My heart goes out to you. Seems contrite to say but you are not alone
I'm trying so hard to be okay.
Quote from: Bach on September 04, 2024, 09:56:51 PMI'm trying so hard to be okay.
I understand. From my own experience I know how exhausting it is to try. I also know how uncomfortable it can be (at least for me) to not feel/be ok. This won't fix anything but you're allowed to not be ok. I'm allowed to not be ok. It's ok to not be ok. I'm so sorry it sounds like life is throwing some challenges your way @Bach. Struggling with you.
- lostwanderer
:yeahthat:
Quote from: Bach on September 04, 2024, 03:36:54 PMWho am I?
I am a person who has squandered her potential and disappointed herself to the extreme.
Bach, For me this is Trauma speaking. I don't believe this is the true you. I feel so sorry that you are suffering so much. Please know that you are loved here. And try and make that separation between the true you and Trauma. You seem to be in a transition. The transition is often so very hard. Healing often hurts more as things improve.
Sending love and support.
:hug:
Dear Bach,
I want to send you my support, and I wish I could say something that might be helpful to you - I am so sorry that you're suffering at the moment, and I wish you could know and feel that people care about you. I relate very much to what Chart said, about how healing often hurts more as things improve - I wonder if you are getting in touch with grief more - and feeling it, and it therefore hurts more. I don't know, but it makes sense.
Wishing you strength and sending you a hug of support :hug:
Hope :)
Quote from: Bach on September 04, 2024, 03:36:54 PMWho am I?
I am a person who has squandered her potential ...
I resonate with this today. BUT I think Chart is right in saying that that is the trauma speaking, for you and for me. :hug:
If you had asked me who I was 35 years ago I would have confidently told you that I was a writer. I was always writing. I carried a notebook at all times, two, usually, a small looseleaf one for my journal and a steno book or similar for my fiction. My ambition was to be successful enough as a novelist to then be able to teach. I sure was NAIVE. And I never wrote much that was worthwhile. I'm good with stringing words together but not so good at telling stories.
I used to be good at stringing words together, anyway. Nowadays it's a grim and time-consuming struggle to express anything in writing at all. I don't know where all those words used to come from, but I sure don't have them anymore. Never mind fiction, where I'd have to make up the story. I can't even write about what I know best: My own life. My own stories. I want to tell them but I CAN'T MAKE THEM MAKE SENSE.
from one writer to another, bach, i hear you. to be able to use your mind creatively like that takes energy, focus, and concentration, plus a free flow of ideas. when we're stuck in the midst of all this crapola, it can almost be too much to be able to find our shoes in the morning!
hangin' right beside you on this. love and hugs :hug:
:grouphug:
Thank you for the support, friends :hug: I am hanging on here, doing my best to believe that I will eventually feel better. Logic and experience tell me I will. It's really hard to see right now, but it's happened before and it can happen again.
My therapist has been telling me that she thinks that what stops me from doing the things I want to do is that subconsciously I am convinced that I have no power, and that I want someone else to do all the hard stuff for me because I believe that I can't do anything for myself. While she might not be entirely wrong, where does that leave me? If consciously I've believed for years that I can help myself, improve myself, learn to function, to heal, however you want to put it, and have been trying as hard as I can, how can I overcome something so deeply subconscious that I can't feel in even the least that it's there?
Just running with the thought the therapist had in case it helps. You say she might not be entirely wrong. Maybe you should explore your response to that assertion a bit more. Why do you think she might not be entirely wrong? Are you being polite to her in not dismissing the suggestion outright? If there may be a grain of truth in it then it must be worth exploring.
The next point that occurred to me is whether you might be setting the bar too high and therefore missing progress along the way? It is always really hard to see progress, especially with CPTSD and the two steps forward, one step back nature of the beast. Maybe you could consider devising some really super baby steps to try? Or even mindfully seeing something you know you will do as completing a step. I mean things like going swimming, say, or going for a walk. Rather than just doing it because you like it and you have the time one day, actually see it as a step to healing (because it is!). Set up a star chart if it helps. I know this sounds pretty childish, maybe, but since we are all trying to help our inner children to some degree or another maybe a more child-centred approach might be useful.
Just my thoughts on reading your post. Happy to chat more if you want.
bach, i had a similar thought to NK when i read what you said about your T might not be entirely wrong. i also think that's worth exploring, either on your own or w/ your T. that exploration could also then help you to answer the questions you raise. they're good questions and deserve answers.
this is a step by step process, for sure, and not all those steps go in the same direction all the time. i think you're doing good work w/ this and i hope you are able to keep it up. love and hugs :hug:
I absolutely believe I can do things. I think a bigger problem is that ever since the floods I'm struggling to feel that anything is worth doing. And I suppose if there's anything I want someone else to do for me, it's TAKE CARE OF ME. I never had much of that and I guess I never will. I've been working on learning to do it for myself for YEARS. I can do it in bursts but I've never managed to sustain it. I've always tried again, started again. But now I think I'm getting to be just too tired.
Quote from: Bach on September 20, 2024, 08:48:14 PMI think a bigger problem is that ever since the floods I'm struggling to feel that anything is worth doing. And I suppose if there's anything I want someone else to do for me, it's TAKE CARE OF ME. I never had much of that and I guess I never will. I've been working on learning to do it for myself for YEARS. I can do it in bursts but I've never managed to sustain it. I've always tried again, started again. But now I think I'm getting to be just too tired.
Oh how much I relate to those words. I'm so sorry. I'm with you in the tired & the struggle. I so wish I could take the hurt away because I know what it feels like. I don't know how and I don't know when but I believe that it will be ok for you. Sending you hope.
:bighug:
It's really healing to be taken care of by others especially when it isn't something you've had in your life. I think it makes total sense to want someone to take care of you. I hope you find that, and that in the meantime you can take care of the younger parts of yourself a bit too so they don't keep getting abandoned. I wish you had more care in your life. :grouphug:
Quote from: Armee on September 21, 2024, 04:14:32 AM:bighug:
It's really healing to be taken care of by others especially when it isn't something you've had in your life. I think it makes total sense to want someone to take care of you. I hope you find that, and that in the meantime you can take care of the younger parts of yourself a bit too so they don't keep getting abandoned. I wish you had more care in your life. :grouphug:
:yeahthat:
Quote from: Armee on September 21, 2024, 04:14:32 AMIt's really healing to be taken care of by others especially when it isn't something you've had in your life. I think it makes total sense to want someone to take care of you. I hope you find that
Just reiterating this because for me looking after younger BBs is really strenuous and maybe it's similar for you with your Younger ones, so I'd like to wish you someone to take care of you (even if it's unrealistic, or not Adult or something.)
:bighug:
Quote from: Bach on September 20, 2024, 08:48:14 PM... I think a bigger problem is that ever since the floods I'm struggling to feel that anything is worth doing. And I suppose if there's anything I want someone else to do for me, it's TAKE CARE OF ME. I never had much of that and I guess I never will. I've been working on learning to do it for myself for YEARS. I can do it in bursts but I've never managed to sustain it. I've always tried again, started again. But now I think I'm getting to be just too tired.
I really resonate (except for the floods part, obv.). Maybe helps to not feel quite alone, idk. :grouphug:
Bach, Everyone has a limit. Everyone has a breaking point. Too much is too much. When we can't any more, we just can't. Please forgive yourself. Your energy will return, and much faster if your allow yourself to listen, process and integrate these emotions of powerlessness and need of care. All these feelings are 100% valid.
I believe there is nothing more difficult to live with and overcome than developmental trauma. Please cut yourself some slack. You are figuratively and LITERALLY inundated with emotion and water.
Is it a coincidence that the Buddhists and many other traditions equate emotions to water? I don't think so. You are trying to stay afloat... literally. And it's hard. I think you're doing it. You ARE doing it. The water will go down, the emotions will calm. I like very much the analogy: try to see yourself through our eyes. Trauma falsifies our self perception with shame, powerlessness and invalidation. This is where your friends on the forum come in with a little boat and supply big fresh towels. You absolutely deserve what you never got as a child. We know what you are feeling and we love you.
:grouphug:
I've been listening to some positive self-talk recordings lately in a desperate attempt to get something good going on in this brain of mine. On the one hand, I'm highly sceptical, but on the other, many years ago I had some small success doing some positive self-talk on my own after reading an article about neuroplasticity and the possibility of "rewiring" the brain. Although the efforts I made back then at eradicating the negative inner monologue I've laboured under all my life didn't really "take", I did get something out of it. Mostly, it was good in small situational ways, like coping with nervousness about a medical test or a social event. I still do that kind of self-talk, but anything intended to change the bigger picture of how I think about myself and my life took an excruciating amount of mental effort to keep up. It was too easy to get tired and discouraged, and too hard to ward off my negative thought patterns fighting back. But I still find the logic behind the idea of reprogramming my internal programming to be sound. So I'm trying this. I came across an app with some recordings that don't annoy me too much, and the instructions are to play the recordings in the background while doing other things, rather than to listen consciously to what's being said, which is also appealing because if I'm not consciously listening, maybe I won't argue with it. And maybe it will be more believable coming from an outside voice. It's worth a try, anyway, because I can't with this "I can't" anymore!
I went to a wedding with My Person yesterday. It was overwhelming for many reasons. It was a wedding for a couple that My Person knows mostly from work stuff, but who I met and liked last year when we had them over for a barbecue. I was dreading going because I have negative feelings about weddings in general, and I don't like big social gatherings especially when I don't know anyone else who was going to be there, but I felt so honored to have been included that I really did want to make the effort and go. And I did, successfully, and I'm glad I did. I feel good about it, and feel that I nurtured a worthwhile relationship by making the effort, but what I don't like is how much it takes out of me, and how following that kind of effort I always fall down on my self-care.
UGH.
I wish I could still WRITE.
Quote from: Bach on September 27, 2024, 08:10:50 PM...but what I don't like is how much it takes out of me, and how following that kind of effort I always fall down on my self-care.
Well done for going! But yes, big social events can be stressful and triggering. I'm the same way. But you did it and for all your the good reasons.
After it's normal to feel worn out. These things cost us more in terms of our energy. Blueberry posted a good video about trauma and energy.
https://youtu.be/7A6hfAWjZ3c?feature=shared
So if were drained, self care gets especially difficult. Could you give yourself a couple of days off from your normal routine with the promise of getting back to it on Monday or Tuesday?
:hug:
So today my mother sent me a text message about the death of Pete Rose (we are both baseball fans, and the majority of the few fond memories I have of her involve baseball). I sent her a reply in kind that cited a memory I have from the time that Pete Rose's big scandal was going on. In retrospect, I realise that my text implicitly asked her to be interested in and curious about my life, and that I was hoping she would continue with that conversation. I shouldn't be surprised or disappointed that her reply showed no interest, instead telling me about having to file her taxes. But I am.
I've been feeling a lot lately that the people in my life aren't really interested in me. I'm sure that's true of my mother, because it always has been. But I'm pretty sure that with the other people in my life, it's me and not them. Everything going on inside me lately is so painful. So there's almost nothing to me these days other than dissociation and masking. I get occasional fleeting flashes of enjoyment or hope, which I suppose should give me faith that those things are still possible, but lately I fear that nothing will ever really be good again.
:bighug:
i'm truly sorry your M didn't make an effort to be interested in keeping that conversation going, to pay some attention to you (by the by, also a big baseball fan, saw pete rose play, he was something else! on the field), and for the disappointment that followed. it reminded me of something my T told me at the time i had an interchange w/ my ex, and his response was disappointing as well.
i asked my T if i should respond, she just said that to do so would run the risk of getting disappointed again. honestly, bach, altho the idea of getting what we need from such people dies hard, it really is one disappointment after another, no matter what or how hard we try. i hope you know this isn't you, it's her. her limited worldview doesn't have room for other people.
very glad the wedding went well for you. that's good news. i hope you have more of that in the future. love and hugs :hug:
Thank you for the responses, friends. It has gotten really hard for me to reply directly to what people post or even to write at all, but I'm trying not to let that stop me. So to everyone who posts to me, please know that I read, take seriously and deeply appreciate everything you offer me.
Lately I've had horrible intrusive thoughts about killing myself. I am angry and resentful of these thoughts. They are lies. I feel bad, and I'm tired of feeling bad, and I sometimes wish that I did not have to go on living, but I DO have to, for many reasons, and it is idiotic and annoying to have to hear the persistent voice in my head that says "I'm going to kill myself. I want to die. I wish I was dead. Pretty soon, I'm going to kill myself" etc. I've lived with those kinds of thoughts on and off all my life. I had a good stretch of years in the 2010s in which I hardly ever had those thoughts, and when I did, it was only a day here and there with only a thought here and there, not a prolonged onslaught for days on end with few moments of relief. I thought I had healed enough that this wouldn't happen anymore. I'm confused and furious that it is happening. Depression is one thing, this is something else.
I think I've probably written about this before.
When this happens to me (see my recent post under SI section) they seem very very very much like flashbacks more than an active desire. It sounds like maybe the same for you, possibly. I know I have no interest in dying, but depending on whether I am having flashback type issues (emotional or other) those thoughts show up...I need to die. Please die me. Please kill me. And even more frightening what happened a couple nights ago. But I'm not suicidal and I don't think you are either. It is annoying but also it's a cry for help from younger parts of us showing us what they went through. I don't know if that's helpful. It's how I have been experiencing it and thinking about it.
I am so sorry tho that you are hurting so much for so long. 😢
Hi Bach,
I don't think I've got any helpful words available to me (wish I did!) but I do want to send you a supportive and heartfelt hug :hug:
Hope
Hope :hug:
Armee, what you're saying makes a lot of sense to me, especially because in the past few days I've been having waves of feeling like I'm a helpless child and just want someone to take care of me. I don't really know very much about how to work with parts. I suppose I should try to read up on that. Stuff like that is really hard for me to learn about and process on my own. I wish I had loads of money that I could spend on teachers and practitioners.
There's very much a child present right now. If only I knew what to do to take care of her!
Yeah it really helps to have help working with those young parts. But when you can even just asking what she wants you to know or what she needs and then imagining giving her a little empathy is a good place to start. Easier said than done I very much agree.
These feelings welling up from a child really resonate with me right now. I was just chatting with my T yesterday about how some things have happened that adult me is really pleased about but child me is really cheesed off with. The dissonance is very frustrating.
And I have just now come off the phone to my mother who wanted to talk at me about stuff she has already shared on family WhatsApp. But it is BIG NEWS that reflects badly on other people, so it had to be spoken of with glee. And then at the end she asked if I had any news. She knows I have just come back from a trip but she answered her question herself by supposing that everything is fine and there is nothing to report. That is my standard grey rock answer to her and it looks like she has got the message. So why am I displeased??? I totally get why you would have bad feelings about your mother not responding to your text in the way that you would have liked, even though you a) probably knew she never would and b) may even have had some level of relief that she was not interested in asking about your life. I posit b) with some hesitation, but our mothers seem quite similar in many ways and it is usually dangerous if my mother actually shines her spotlight on me.
I am really sorry you are struggling with the SI thoughts and I hope they subside soon.
:hug:
I have a tiny little doll that's a baby and it's me shortly after I was born. My therapist gave me some lavender and my baby-me is wrapped in soft cotton and is in a hard empty lipstick case for protection. I always know where he is and I protect him. Often we talk and I tell him that the man who terrified us is gone now and he won't ever come back. We are safe and we don't have to keep being afraid. My morning terror has greatly reduced since August.
My self-destructive streak always resurfaces when I renew my efforts to take care of myself, be good to myself, encourage my health and nervous system regulation. It's like there are two of me in here, one who is trying to look after me, and another who wants only to make sure that I can never feel comfortable or safe or happy. I know it's more garbage that came from my mother along with the all the other garbage that came from my mother. I know why I am the way I am. I know the ins and outs of what happened to me this and what effect it had on me that. Is there anything I can do with all this tiresome knowledge? Anything to actually FIX me?
Bach, I resonate with what you are saying and ask myself similar questions. I don't have any answers and am here with you trying to sort this out.
Totally relate to feeling like there are two opposing people inside. :hug:
It's maddening.
Only trick I'm finding is to listen and care for both parts and learn to understand not why they exist but what they are trying to do and what they need from you, but from sort of a wise adult perspective. Acting more as if you are a teacher and they are two students in your class who have been hurt and need the help of a caring adult.
It's not easy or perfect but it seems to help.
Ditto all that. Feel the same. Gonna "try". Anyway, what else can we do?
If there's one thing I can count on my mother to be interested in, it's problems with my health. I've had some stuff going on with my woman parts. Yesterday I went to have a testing procedure that the doctor thought he could do in the office, but it turns out that I'm going to have to have it done under anaesthesia. I hadn't been particularly worried about this test until that happened, but now I am. My mother is keenly interested in all this. I was texting about it with her this morning and we had a whole conversation that was actually about what's going on with me, that included knowledgeable advice and even reassurance, you know, like a real mother would give. I told her that I felt overwhelmed, and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. It seemed really sincere and it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, until I started thinking about it. Resenting the care she didn't take of me when I was a child and really needed her. Resenting that I have to be sick or in pain to be worthy of her compassion.
I'm sorry you are going to have to have that test under anaesthesia. My doctor thought I would have to have similar although I eventually got the consultant to agree an MRI would be a sensible interim stage, and then I didn't actually have to undergo the hospital procedure because the MRI gave enough information.
As for your mother - mine is also keenly interested in health matters. I tell her as little as possible since she is quite happy to broadcast information around friends and family without asking me, and because although she is interested she does not generally give sensible advice even if it is something she has direct experience of. However it does sound as though your mother did indeed give some sensible and helpful advice. I am glad about that, even if your feelings around the conversation have now curdled into resentment, which is totally understandable.
Random memory: My grandmother saying about me as a child that "[Bach] will need to find someone to buy her a fur coat and take care of her". What a strange thing for her to say. What a strange thing for me to remember. Is that where I got the idea that I would never be able to take care of myself?
Trigger Warning: Suicidal thoughts, child abuse.
Maybe all the intrusive noise in my head about "I wish I was dead" "Why am I here?" "Why am I alive?" "Why can't I just die?" "I'm going to kill myself" is child me (Middle B?) reacting to my mother's feelings about me. I think that my mother's fondest wish when I was a child was that I would die. It would be a win-win for her, because then she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore, and she could get attention for being a tragically bereaved mother. I think the only thing that stopped her from doing it herself that time when I was around 9 that she strangled me with her hands until I started to black out was pure self-preservation. After all, she wanted to be a tragically bereaved mother, not an evil murdering mother. What sticks with me most about that incident is that after she let go and left the room, I laid on her bed for a few minutes thinking something along the lines of "Yeah, that happened, she did that, whatever." It felt FAMILIAR. Based on that memory and on flashbacks, I've had a belief for a number of years that she tried to suffocate me in my crib when I was an infant, but thinking about this now, it occurs to me that maybe she didn't do that herself. Maybe there was some kind of incident in which I almost suffocated (crib bumpers in the 60s anyone?) but didn't, and that awoke in her the notion that my dying would solve her problems. Who knows? Not me. And does it really matter?
There's so much I want to say about this. I want to write it out like a court case, a reconstruction based on photographs and documents and witness testimony, an argument that it really was her and not me...but I can't. It's so confusing. There are so many details. I don't even know where to start. Especially because if I DID write it out, I'm pretty sure it would sound completely crazy and then I'd have to doubt ALL MY CONCLUSIONS about...well, everything.
NONE of what you wrote sounds crazy. I mean crazy your mom would do this but very very believable as well as your insight to her beliefs about how she would gain attention.
I am so sorry you experienced this level of abuse. It's also extremely damaging to be choked. This story is extremely sad and a very very very good explanation for where these "suicidal" thoughts come from. In quotes because I don't believe them to be suicidal but as you say basically introjects from your mom's wishes and also probably flashbacks from that time/times.
:grouphug:
bach, i echo armee. it doesn't sound crazy to me, you don't sound crazy to me. the situation was crazy, yes. it should never have been, should never have happened to you. i don't normally use 'should' but in this case there is guilt and shame involved, but it all belongs to your M.
QuoteIt's like there are two of me in here, one who is trying to look after me, and another who wants only to make sure that I can never feel comfortable or safe or happy.
i know this feeling all too well, especially when i'm working on my eating issues. so glad you wrote this - it gives me something to explore and discover what's going on underneath. thank you, bach. love and hugs :hug:
For me, if "crazy" is reacting with sensitivity and pain to horrible things that were done to me... then yes, I think I'm crazy.
But I actually believe it is the "other" world that is crazy. Not all feel horrible. The alternative is to relieve the suffering by inflicting the same torment upon others... this satisfies many people. There is that choice in trauma. There are two pathways to choose from. Be like the abusers... or not, and suffer terribly in silence and without hope. Heckava choice to make. But we have chosen to NOT hurt others. And we grapple with our choice for our pain is naked and undiminished. I echo Sanmagic. What you wrote about being two people is true for me too. It is the eternal struggle. The constant inner conflict. The voice of our abusers on nonstop repeat. Some days I can suppress that foul alter ego, some days not.
But I don't think that's crazy. I think that inner fight is healing.
Thank you for your replies, friends. I agree that I am not suicidal, which makes the intrusive thoughts particularly galling. I know you would all believe me and understand if I tried to describe what my inner children are dealing with, but most of it is not as straightforward as the incident I recalled above. Most of it was subtle and dark and impossible for a child to understand. Impossible for a child to understand, and very confusing and distressing for an adult to try to make sense of. In fact, in a weird way it's a relief that I have one specific memory that I know for sure happened that I can point to and say "There. ABUSE." Because otherwise I really might not know that it wasn't all me, that there never were reasonable explanations for how I was treated.
Quote from: Bach on October 20, 2024, 07:56:20 PMIn fact, in a weird way it's a relief that I have one specific memory that I know for sure happened that I can point to and say "There. ABUSE."
That resonates. I have some specific memories that I can now file under "abuse" but I wasn't always sure even about those. Yet the relief I felt was huge when my therapist, without my asking, said categorically that my childhood was objectively abusive.
I also get the impression that your mother was not necessarily always deliberate in her abuse. Or at any rate that not all of it was conducted with malice aforethought. It's even harder to wrap one's head around abusive behaviour if the abuser is not necessarily conscious that their behaviour is abusive. And, just to be clear, I am NOT suggesting the abuser should be given some sort of pass because they didn't overtly intend to be abusive all the time. Only that it is so much easier for the victim to blame themself if they have any sort of supposition that there may be reasonable explanations for how they were treated.
:grouphug:
Hi Bach,
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's understandable why you would have those intrusive thoughts after having gone through something like that.
It's interesting reading back my comment on NK's post about her mother's behaviour and then reading Armee's comment under mine. I felt like I was vigilant in pointing out, or being on guard from a deliberate behaviour, while Armee likened dealing with Narcs as toddlers and I reflected on my comment. Was I being paranoid about someone's motives when maybe they had no idea what they were doing? It's interesting how it took me back to the many years of my life when I thought I must be imagining it, or felt crazy for feeling this way when, as you say, there were no "outright" forms of abuse. But after reading your post, I see it's not so crazy to feel that way, and that there is a reason for it.
Sending you support,
dolly
if it's one thing i learned in therapy, bach, it's that the more covert the abuse might have been, the more of an impact it might have made on the psyche. my T told me over and over that the mental/emotional abuse, the 'hidden' abuse, can be all the more damaging and long-lasting cuz, for one thing, as you say, it's so hard to pinpoint. ugh!
i'm glad for you that you've been able to at least hang onto one aspect of what happened and see it for what it truly was. it's a start, for sure. love and hugs :hug:
NK, you're right that my mother was not always deliberate in her abuse. In fact, probably not even most of the time. There certainly was plenty of malice, but probably not all that much aforethought. I don't think she ever thought to herself "Oh, yeah, I'm going to hurt B now". I don't think she really thought about me very much at all, I just was, I was there, and she didn't like me much, but not to where I was much worth thinking about unless I was actively causing her trouble. I don't think most of the time I was even really a person to her. I was more like some kind of appendage. Something that showed up one day, something that was a little unwieldy and not really welcome, but not life-threatening, and more difficult to get rid of than it was to work around. Like a tail, or an extra pinky or something. My inner child still believes I was disgusting and deserved it all.
dollyvee and san, thank you for your comments and support. I appreciate the validation. But I also hate it. It all feels so inescapable. I feel caught between my desire and my efforts to feel healthy and whole, and the fact that such feelings aren't safe. It's not that I want to be miserable. It's that nothing else is safe.
I identify with this a lot. A lot... Also trying to get my head around it all. It's really really hard.
:grouphug:
My mother texted me yesterday to see how my medical procedure on Thursday went. She lost interest immediately when it turned out not to be cancer. It was never actually expected to be cancer, but I guess she couldn't help but get her hopes up. Once again I have disappointed her by being fundamentally healthy and sound instead of having a terrible medical problem.
Bach, your mother strikes me as being highly toxic...
o bach, that sounds awful, to be disappointing to your M cuz there's nothing terribly wrong w/ you. i'm very glad for you that there isn't, and i'd much rather hear that than the other. these twisted thought processes can really do a number on us. ugh. sending love and a hug filled w/ happiness for you. :hug:
:grouphug:
They are so sick these people we were raised by. This is yet more proof. Imagine managing this behavior as a child given how hard it is now that we are away from it and we have the knowledge we have.
Chart, san and Armee, thank you for your replies. The really painful part of this that I wasn't able to express in my previous post is that I recognise from childhood that feeling of disappointing my mother by being fundamentally healthy and sound.
When I was growing up, my mother was deeply invested in the idea that there was something wrong with me. Early childhood-me remembers it as "She was always taking me to doctors". I don't have any specific memory of conditions or symptoms that were being looked into. Nothing was ever found. And there was the thing with me being constipated when I was maybe 10 or 11. One day there was blood on the toilet paper after I went to the bathroom. I told my mother and she was very concerned. She took me to the doctor. He wasn't concerned about anything serious, but told her she should monitor my BMs and feed me a better diet. I remember her impatience with those instructions. I remember her brushing me off when I reported a blood-free but very painful BM not long after that doctor visit, and I remember her once telling me not to eat a banana because it would make me constipated. But most of all, I remember her saying she didn't want to hear about any of it anymore. "I wash my hands of your s***", said she. That was an expression my stepfather liked to use. I guess she thought that was funny because there was actual s*** involved. I guess that's a good example of what caused the powerful drive I have to be weak and vulnerable that is constantly dragging down my better self's efforts to improve, feel self-love, be comfortable with being alive. And I guess this is why I only feel safe with sickness and misery, and even when I manage to feel healthy and good I can never sustain it for very long.
Oh and by the way, the constipation that my mother didn't take seriously is still a problem for me. It might not have been a cancer that was going to kill me, but it certainly has made huge swaths of my life feel like they weren't worth living.
I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with this medical stuff, Bach. I can sympathise with your stories.
But reminding of the present moment, I want to say that I think you deserve to be healthy, and that you are safe to be this way. Doesn't matter what your M thinks you might deserve, doesn't matter what we think we deserve ourselves, we all have the right to be in good health.
Regards,
Aphotic.
how horrible, bach, that the way to get 'positive' attention from your M was to be truly ill, and that it continues to cause problems for you to this day, especially w/ the idea that it's now difficult for you to become healthy and whole. it still amazes me how these terrible messages we experienced as kids continue to mess up our lives as adults.
i sincerely hope you are able to navigate out of these treacherous waters eventually in order to be comfortable w/ feeling healthy and alive. you deserve health and well-being. love and hugs, always :hug:
Once again an example of narcissistic projection. I believe your mother was projecting. As apposed to recognizing that it was her with the problem, she imagined and put all her negative energy into you, Bach. It's twisted not to be thankful for good news from a medical professional. Instead she was disappointed her "theory" didn't hold up... again!
Bach, I hope with all my heart that you can change this "story". You deserve so much love and healthy attention. I'm thinking of you and feeling deeply the wonderful child you were and are. Sending love and hope for finding everything you deserve inside yourself and from good caring others.
-chart
:hug:
Aphotic, san and Chart, as always, thank you for your replies. I agree with all of you that I do deserve to be healthy and whole, and that my mother's desire for me to be sick or dead is her own evil illness and does not make me an unworthy person. The problem is, I cannot figure out how to get out from under the shadow of this wish of hers. I already know all the "whys". I already know that my mother is a very twisted individual, she is bad and wrong and a narcissistic sociopath and none of it was my fault. But I guess deep down some part of me doesn't believe it, and I haven't found a way to convince it. IS there a way? That's the $64 million dollar question.
Quote from: Bach on October 29, 2024, 08:25:30 PMAphotic, san and Chart, as always, thank you for your replies. I agree with all of you that I do deserve to be healthy and whole, and that my mother's desire for me to be sick or dead is her own evil illness and does not make me an unworthy person. The problem is, I cannot figure out how to get out from under the shadow of this wish of hers. I already know all the "whys". I already know that my mother is a very twisted individual, she is bad and wrong and a narcissistic sociopath and none of it was my fault. But I guess deep down some part of me doesn't believe it, and I haven't found a way to convince it. IS there a way? That's the $64 million dollar question.
I know exactly what you mean. We could tell ourselves a million times over the facts and reassurances, understand the reasons behind it all, understand why we are worth the care. But somehow there's always a little feeling that doubts, a snippet that succumbs to the darker whispers. I unfortunately have yet to figure out how to silence that shadow; I wonder perhaps does it simply go away with enough time? Or do we just learn how to ignore it?
Either way, I wish it'll quieten for you soon.
Regards,
Aphotic.
Bach, I hesitate to suggest yet another "new" technique... but I'll throw it out there just in case. I've been doing the Sedona Method for about a month at the instigation of my therapist. I've written about it on the forum somewhere, can't remember where... my journal? Anyway, it's still too early to tell but I have felt some interesting changes in the "story" that's been running in my head for over a year. What I think is interesting with the method is the aspect of both "going back to the pain" AND "letting go". It's like the involuntary repetition starts to become voluntary, thus a certain amount if control starts to set in... I find this very similar to "staying" with our feelings which is so often recommended... anyway, if this doesn't interest just ignore :)
that question is worth $64 million and more, bach. i don't know if it might help you w/ this, but i've sometimes decided to simply wallow in the thoughts - no matter what they were or who they were about - and it's helped calm the rough edges to the messages, and sometimes to even disappear them, at least for a while. it seemed the more i fought against it, the harder they'd hit me.
otherwise, if it helps, i can keep telling you you're worth being here, you're worth being healthy and whole, and you are someone, by virtue of your caring and kindness to others, who absolutely deserves health and well-being, no matter what you may have been taught or shown. those messages were wrong and didn't come from a place of happy and love. they were the mistake and the shame, not you. love and hugs :hug:
Friends, thank you as always, for your replies, for being here, for telling me things I need to hear even though they make me uncomfortable and make me want to argue with them. Chart, I have heard of the Sedona method and looked it up a year or two ago, but I didn't really understand it. Reading your journal post about it didn't clear it up, but san said something above that seems to be along the same lines:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 30, 2024, 02:21:26 PM...i've sometimes decided to simply wallow in the thoughts - no matter what they were or who they were about - and it's helped calm the rough edges to the messages, and sometimes to even disappear them, at least for a while. it seemed the more i fought against it, the harder they'd hit me.
I found a website about the Sedona method that I'm going to dig into later when I have more time, see what's up with that and if there's anything there that can help me.
This morning I was thinking about the lesson that I hope I've learned from this most recent run-in with my mother's irredeemable horribleness; to never tell her anything about my health until after it's over, if even then. I don't know why I felt I needed my mother's attention that day that test that was no big deal suddenly became kind of a big deal, but wow did I pay for that little bit of motherly whatever it was, which wasn't even that good when I got it.
I paid three times: The first time, when I thought back on the supposedly nurturing conversation I'd had with her and noticed the barbs hiding among the ersatz concern. The second time a week later, two weeks before the procedure and well into the "not worrying about it for now", phase when she popped off an enquiry as to how I was "coping with waiting" for the procedure after some fun casual texting about the baseball playoffs. And then, of course, the day after the procedure. That was the toxic dose, coming as it did when I was in a weakened state and vulnerable. Maybe the lesson I need to learn here is bigger than just "don't tell her about my health". Maybe the real lesson is "NO. You do NOT need that woman's attention."
:hug:
That's a good (though sad) and true lesson to hold onto. Tape it to your phone. 😉
Armee :hug:
I'm glad that most of my conversations with my mother take place over text these days. That way if I ever doubt myself, all I have to do is look back in my message history to know that I'm not the crazy one.
Quote from: Bach on October 30, 2024, 03:18:11 PMThis morning I was thinking about the lesson that I hope I've learned from this most recent run-in with my mother's irredeemable horribleness; to never tell her anything about my health until after it's over, if even then. I don't know why I felt I needed my mother's attention that day
I think it may be one of human's most annoying traits, hah... even though we know from history that talking to our family usually leads to bad outcomes, we for some reason still have these irresistible urges to talk to them? I guess we have an inherent nature in us that we want to be cared for by the beings who raised us but alas, that instinct doesn't seem to comprehend the realities of the situation most times.
Quote from: Bach on October 30, 2024, 03:24:45 PMI'm glad that most of my conversations with my mother take place over text these days. That way if I ever doubt myself, all I have to do is look back in my message history to know that I'm not the crazy one.
The wonders of technology, huh? :) Yay.
Regards,
Aphotic.
bach, it took me a long time to realize, and then even longer to act on that realization, that my D1 was someone i didn't need in my life anymore. it's been many years since she and i have interacted at all, and what helps me w/ that is remembering how i've felt, what she said or did to make me feel so awful. nope, she's not necessary to my life. i hope you can eventually get to a similar place w/ your M.
you don't deserve such behavior from anyone. someone here said something to the effect that others have used our kindness against us. that really rang a bell for me. i do not like how your M treats you. love and hugs :hug:
I also find it helps to keep a record of what has been said. I try to journal the gist of the verbal discussions and visits, too. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this garbage.
:grouphug:
Bach I feel like I get what you're going through. What t and I have been discussing is the idea of doing whatever it took as a child to maintain the relationship that I needed to survive as a child. I think sometimes it's easier to see things a certain way, or necessary really, as a child in order to maintain that relationship. For example, I couldn't see that they were in the wrong for how they treated me, for how awful my m could be to me, and I mean this as intentional. As a child it was difficult to see that my m would willingly hurt me to make herself feel better. I couldn't see it. I had to be the helpless, unsuccessful comatose/whatever one, so that I wouldn't feel her wrath or jealousy. I was also taught that me being ill made my gm feel better about herself, and I was willing to preserve that relationship too.
I've had this 64 million dollar question too. I feel like what's helped, and is still helping, is to recognize those moments of adult consciousness over child consciousness. This sounds really vague, and it is, but I think becoming aware of, and giving credit to, the things that I have accomplished or am accomplishing helps and builds over time. Like, "I am an adult that's paying my bills," or "I have made headway in certain areas, or even small things." I think the challenge is to become aware when the critical voices come in regarding those things, however small they may be, and recognize that that's not you because they're going to come up.
NARM has been helpful with this process because my internal sense of knowing is supported and I'm not having to "justify" things, and be in the position I was growing up when I felt like no one believed me. I can look it up, and I honestly didn't finish the book, but there was an exercise in The Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (?) that asked you to name five things that you can do well and they went into a list. I felt like I couldn't name any, or I would think of something and then question if i could really do that thing, or if I did, it wasn't up to x standard. I can start recognizing that those weren't my voices. IMO whatever you can do to start giving yourself space from those "voices" etc, do it. Just recognizing in the moment when they're happening, and to label what it going on, and that it's separate from you, is helpful.
Sending you support,
dolly
:wave:
I wish I wasn't so afraid of death. Not so I could die right now or anything, but just so I could feel like there will be a way out some day. Sort of like how having a bottle of klonopin handy makes it easier to tolerate my anxiety without actually taking it. I feel so trapped between the often intolerable pain of life, and the fear of death. I think life would hurt less if I didn't feel stuck here.
Sorry things feel so bleak for you right now, Bach. I understand that feeling of being trapped, feeling like there's nothing we can do to ward off the fear of both existence and non-existence. A :hug: if you're comfortable with that.
Regards,
Aphotic.
:hug:
i hear you, bach. love and hugs :hug:
I need to stop looking at Facebook because every time I do, two things happen. One is that I end up endlessly scrolling, clicking on stupid crap that might interest or entertain me for a few seconds but is ultimately just a waste of my time. The other is that I see things that upset or scare me and then I have to put a lot of effort (and sometimes klonopin) into fending them off. I really need to find distractions that are more productive, or, at least, less toxic.
Bach,
This is a good plan for you. I left Facebook two years ago. I removed it from my phone so that I have no access to it unless I'm at my computer. I set it up to send me an email notification when people tag me. I ignore all of those unless I think it's photos of my grandkids. My Daughter-In-Law posts pics of them on FB and those are about the only posts I'll look at, and I only do that once in a blue moon. I estimate that I open Facebook on my computer for only a few seconds, about once every two months. Ever since the election I've had to also stop watching any news, reading any news and watching any TV nighttime shows because all the talk shows only talk about politics.
It's been two years off Social media and a month off media. And I'm feeling WAY more peaceful than I do when the news is on.
I'm working on cutting back all my screentime now because I'm reading more and more about the rise in mental illness, sleeplessness, anxiety and depression and how they relate to our overactive need to be soaking in news and social interactions all day and all night. Also LIGHT pollution. I read an article off of WebMD that blames light pollution for everything from cancer to insanity to autism. THe article said that our brains can't define night from day because its never dark anymore. The article said that 80% of America can't see the stars at night anymore. Just the close ones. Apparently there was a comical thing that happened when a very large geogrphical place lost power during the night, and people started calling 911 because they thought they saw smoke in the sky. It was the Milky Way. No city people have ever seen the Milky Way. I've never seen it. They say that this obsession we have with lights, nightlights, porch lights, computer screens, TV screens and now iPhone screens has confused our brains into staying in Fight or Flight so much that our body's immune systems aren't focused on their long-term job, to keep all the organs clean and running. So by a constant adrenalin rush of Fight/Flight, we are inviting in cancers and illnesses and mental distress that our ancestors, pre-electricity, didn't have to deal with.
So...Good for you. There's nothing on Facebook that I feel like I've missed out on these past two years. And Russian trolls didn't talk to me this election. I wasn't on social media at all.
There are times when I long for the slower life like we had pre-cellphone.
Happy Friday
Quote from: Bach on December 06, 2024, 02:33:12 AMI need to stop looking at Facebook because every time I do, two things happen. One is that I end up endlessly scrolling, clicking on stupid crap that might interest or entertain me for a few seconds but is ultimately just a waste of my time. ... I really need to find distractions that are more productive, or, at least, less toxic.
I saw this about 12 hours ago and thought "Me too", tho I'm just surfing around in general rather than being on Facebook, however it is similar. I have been on my computer most of the day, never doing anything productive: except I have avoided going back to bed and I have taken my meds, drunk tea etc and eaten veggies as well as less healthy stuff. So that last bit is all less toxic and more productive than staying in bed would have been... It may be different for you, but I'm just saying two things: 1) Maybe there's an actual reason behind what you are doing so it shouldn't automatically be called "a waste of time" 2) Baby steps - bit by bit
Quote from: Bach on December 06, 2024, 02:33:12 AMI need to stop looking at Facebook because every time I do, two things happen. The other is that I see things that upset or scare me and then I have to put a lot of effort (and sometimes klonopin) into fending them off.
I'm sorry you get that kind of reaction. I think I do too a little bit but it's deep down, I don't notice it immediately.
i've been told by more than one person in my life not to start any social media account, bach, and i don't doubt their reasons for that match what you're saying. i can get a little caught up in articles every so often, tho, so i get what you're saying. it really can be addictive! good luck w/ this. love and hugs :hug:
Hi Bach,
Sending you a hug :hug:
Hope
I am an inveterate Facebook user, but over time I have found it easier to engage with what I like and ignore what feels dangerous or harmful. It's not always easy, though, and if you feel better off without it then I wish you the strength to keep away.
:hug:
Bach,
I stopped looking at FB almost two years ago and it has been the best thing I could have done with FB. I keep the account so my Daughter-In-Law can share photos of the grandkids, but I only open it when I know she's posted pictures that I want to save on my PC. I estimate that I look at FB once every two to three months for about 30 seconds at a time. Maybe 4-6 times a year. But I make absolutely certain that I ONLY look at what my D-I-L has sent, and then I slam it shut.
I ABSOLUTELY believe that Social Media is the most dangerous weapon of mass destr---- that mankind has ever invented. And I really don't like knowing that it's even on my pc, even though I'm not looking at it. I just don't even like that it's there.
I was like you. FB kept me on high anger. Everytime I read a post from a Russian Troll or a trump-team traitor, I'd get angry and that anger would last for days. It just wasn't worth it.
It was my experience that people use FB to show pictures of their meals and to brag about their vacations and new cars. They use it to air their grievances where they don't feel they can be slapped for what they say in public.
I view social media as the great intellectual void, where billions of people stand at the edge of and scream into it just to escalate the anxiety in the world.
Those are my OPINIONS. Some people like that type of hyper-anxious screaming into the void. I don't. I need calm and peace in my life. And now that I'm no longer viewing social media and no longer reading, viewing, or listening to the news, local AND global, my brain is a lot quieter at bedtime now. I still don't sleep as well as I want to, but at least politics and trolls aren't dancing around in my head while I'm trying to sleep now. It's a bit calmer inside my head now that I've stopped allowing that chaos in.
Neuroscientists have discovered that neuroplasticity is a real thing. If we bombard our brains with any information, our brains wire to it. If we need to change a thought pattern, we need to work at it, but with enough time and effort, we can change our neural pathways. Neurons that fire together, wire together. I wanted that political and social anxiety out of my head, so I had to change what I let my brain think about. It's a lot calmer in my head when I feed my brain calmer information. And I find NO peace on social media. Only anxiety, screaming into the void in a feeling that no one can slap us through the glass of our pcs,, so we say whatever we want to say.
I quit Facebook and Instagram awhile back, and am trying to quit YouTube Shorts at the moment. I still sometimes get sucked in, but I stay aware and recognize that I am dissociating. Slowly slowly. Just trying to reinforce positive things little bit by little bit. It's making a small impact but I sense the difference. Do what you can and forgive yourself the rest.
:hug:
Thank you for the replies, friends. My efforts to stay off from Facebook have been semi-successful. For the first several days, I didn't have any problem staying away, and I felt great relief. But then I started going there again, first only once a day popping on to see if I had any notifications, then leaving right away. After a few days of that, I started scrolling again, just a little, and not clicking any links. Once a day became twice a day, just a little scrolling became just a little more scrolling. This morning, I clicked a link. Now I'm fighting the urge to give in and lose myself in it. Exactly like an addictive drug. Scary! I feel particularly bemused remembering how resistant I was in the beginning to even sign up for an account, and how I finally did sign up because my 25-years-younger half-sister who I barely knew encouraged me to, and I thought it would be a way to develop a relationship with her. Not to mention that the online communities I was part of started dying because everyone was leaving for Facebook. Now 15 years later, I still don't have much of a relationship with the sister, communities on Facebook are far too large and scattered for me to feel comfortable in, and it seems that I'm hooked on hurting myself mentally by hanging around on the periphery of everything looking for I don't even know what and getting anxious and dismayed both by the world I see there and the reflection of my isolated self.
I long for connection. But I cannot sustain it. It's too scary. The more I like someone and want to interact with them, the more afraid I get to even try. I am not well, not well at all.
In other issues, my self-harm scars have started itching lately. I desperately regret them. Along with everything else I've ever not done, or done wrong. I am not well, not well at all. But I said that already, didn't I.
Hugs, Bach. It's OK to repeat stuff on OOTS, if you need to, e.g. not doing well, even more so on your own Journal.
I'm sorry your scars are itching. Is there any kind of cream/ointment that can give relief?
Please try not to be too hard on yourself, about past stuff or present stuff.
:hug:
Try a nice smelling soothing lotion on your scars. They deserve care. Like you.
i agree w/ blueberry and armee. do what you can when you are able. in the meantime, i'm sending love and a hug filled w/ care. :hug:
:yeahthat:
Quitting anything can take time, and backsliding is absolutely par for the course. When you are ready, try again, go back to step one. This time you might stay off longer, never go back, or repeat the cycle yet learn something important for yourself. Learning each time is maybe the key.
Take care of yourself Bach, you are not alone.
:hug:
Hey Bach, I am rooting for you. As you mentioned before, perhaps it would be helpful to find another distraction to replace it with? In my journey of abandoning social media, I found that idle hands were my worst enemy. When I had nothing to do, it was all too easy to just... start scrolling. So, maybe plan ahead for something you can do when idle? It could be a new book to read, a TV show you've been meaning to watch, meditation, or maybe solve some puzzles? Just my recommendation, which you are welcome to ignore of course. :)
Wishing you well.
Regards,
Aphotic.
Today is the third straight day of blustery cold winds. My house is not particularly cold or drafty, but wind around my house makes NOISE. It sounds like thunder. Or war! Between that and the reports of the fires in California and my heightened emotional state from all this intense unexpected ongoing dialogue with Other, I am wildly overstimulated, on high alert. I get so tired of being afraid all the time!
Wind stresses me too, Bach. It's weird, I don't know why... Sending good thoughts...
:hug:
hey, bach, those fires have really triggered me, too, especially, i think, cuz i had to evacuate a few years ago during a firestorm near where i lived. it's a horrible thing. very sorry about this, the other, and the wind causing you such distress. sending love and hugs :hug:
Hi Bach,
I am also sending good thoughts your way. Sending you a hug as well :hug:
I hope that the blustery cold winds will calm soon.
Hope
I'm so tired of myself. Why can't I just be the person I want to be?
:hug:
i hear you, bach. love and hugs :hug:
:hug:
I was very depressed for about 5 months. Then I started feeling better around mid-December and I was really conscious of and grateful for getting a break from my intrusive death-wishing thoughts. But in the last few days, without much of anything external changing, those thoughts have come back strong and it's painful again to be conscious. I don't know why or how to fix it. Unless it really is because of the swimming pool being closed. I'm not sure if the lift in my mood coincided with when I started going to the pool regularly, but it may have. I suppose I could try doing some other kind of exercise until the pool reopens, but it's really hard because swimming is the only thing that doesn't hurt.
I'm sorry you're feeling those intense feelings again, Bach. The link with exercise seems pretty indicative. This might be a short-term substitute until the pool reopens: Progressive muscle relaxation. It's only fifteen minutes (and I love his light German accent :-)
https://youtu.be/jqqqZDSojoQ?si=5QexxP2J4xRdW2Ah
If it's not your thing feel free ti ignore, but I hope it might help. It's helping me a lot.
:hug:
I functioned very well today despite feeling like garbage. That's something to take hope from and build on.
:hug:
Hi Bach, just barging in here... Functioning well despite feeling garbage feels a bit like magic, doesn't it? I've had a few of those days too here and there. It's really empowering that feeling like garbage does not have the last say in everything! :cheer:
Quote from: SenseOrgan on February 07, 2025, 08:18:53 AMHi Bach, just barging in here... Functioning well despite feeling garbage feels a bit like magic, doesn't it? I've had a few of those days too here and there. It's really empowering that feeling like garbage does not have the last say in everything! :cheer:
It does feel like magic! If I could do that every day, I'd really have something going on here.
bach, if it doesn't happen every day, i hope that magic returns at least once in a while, and then more and more often. if it helps, it helps, and there's nothing wrong w/ that at all. here's to magic in our lives! love and hugs :hug: