Hi All,
I'm 39/m, married, no kids. I guess you could say my story is a classic cycle of abuse. Both of my parents were physically and emotionally abused as children, and as a result my mother became and still is a covert narcissist, and my father her willing victim/enabler with his own issues. There are so many facets to the actual abuse that I'm not sure where to start. Basically, they were constantly either abandoning me or threatening to. I think they started threatening to kick me out of the house as soon as I learned to walk. They'd say they're going to send me to live with another family -and of course my sheer terror at the thought was supposed to prove that they were good parents after all. They had all kinds of manipulative tricks like that. They were obsessed with gratitude and getting credit for being good parents, and any negative emotion from me was considered a slap in the face. If there is ONE BIG THEME to my childhood, it's that I'm an ungrateful little boy, and there must be something wrong with me.
And they physically abandoned me. When our screaming matches (yes, my mother would get into apoplectic screaming matches with her young child -what a sight that must have been) would get to a fever pitch, they'd lock me in my room. Some of my earliest childhood memories are trying to turn the handle and banging on the door, begging to be let out and promising I'll be good and grateful. I didn't realize until a therapist pointed it out at age 29 how bizarre it was for them to have a bedroom door that locked from the outside.
As a child, I remember being physically and mentally exhausted all of the time. I never felt like running. I didn't like to play like the other kids. So I've been aware of my "difference" virtually since birth, and I've known I have depression since at least my later teenage years. Between then and my discovery of CPTSD two years ago, I sought treatment for depression/anxiety intermittently, my longest therapy stint being 2013-2017. I don't know how that therapist didn't catch that I have CPTSD, which might be a topic for another post, but after "feeling better" for a period of years I had a bit of a nervous breakdown and by googling my symptoms I discovered CPTSD in 2022. I immediately bought Pete Walker's book and have benefited greatly from it.
I had planned to write more about my actual symptoms (self-hatred, emotional flashbacks, avoidance, Flight-Freeze type) and what brought me here, but I'm not really feeling "in the moment," and I've written plenty already. Thank you for reading, and I look forward to growing with all of you.
Welcome to OOTS.
I am sorry you had to deal with all of that as a child - it is hardly surprising you have ended up with CPTSD from that. I am glad you found us and look forward to getting to know you better.
Wishing you all the best on your healing journey.
Welcome RanOnEmpty, that's awful stuff you're describing there, I'm very sorry you had to go through that.
I can relate to some of your journey, like the fatigue that plagued me for years (not anymore thankfully), feeling different from very early on, therapists missing the point completely in the past and now finding the C-PTSD diagnosis ("hurray") and Pete Walker's book. And also, having a really difficult reliving of some experiences in the eight or so months before coming here.
So what I'm trying to say is, I understand and I think you will find many here who do as well. And I hope you will find the same support and encouragement here that I have to help you grow and feel better.
Quote from: NarcKiddo on August 21, 2024, 01:22:13 PMWelcome to OOTS.
I am sorry you had to deal with all of that as a child - it is hardly surprising you have ended up with CPTSD from that. I am glad you found us and look forward to getting to know you better.
Wishing you all the best on your healing journey.
Thank you. :) I'm glad I found this place, too. Browsing the forum has already been a balm to my soul. Your stories are sobering but filled with hope.
Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS RanOnEmpty. My M and F sound very much like yours except that I was an ungrateful little girl. As a parent myself I find it difficult to imagine what some parents lay on and do their children. I didn't find out I had CPTSD until my 50"s but at least by then I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what until like you a found and read Pete Walker's book. Despite not knowing until later in life I tried my level best to do for our son all the things that my parents didn't do for me (tell me they loved me, give me hugs and kisses, give me applause when I did something well, make me feel safe and protected and like they would always be there for me ... the list goes on).
I hope you find the kinship and safety and comfort you are looking for here.
RanOnEmtpy
:heythere:
Your introduction really moved me. I'm a 64 y/o grandfather whose family of origin (FOO) never locked a door but used "ignoring me" as their punishment when they felt the need to control me and "break my spirit" like we do wild horses. I can't imagine the physical pain of being physically locked away, but I can feel the emotional panic of being ignored until I conform to what they want me to be.
I pretty much believe that most people have traumas in their lives, but the damage is done when we feel unlovable and unwanted. When we are left to try and manage the traumas without the help of our protectors (or even when the protectors ARE the traumas) we're left to try and figure out why we aren't worth being protected. That's where the lifetime of loneliness and exhaustion begins.
Here, on this forum, there are a lot of people who care about each other. We reach out when our pain is high and we are then responded to, which, for me, is a joy I can't find the words to express. When I reach out in confusion or pain, and others whom I respect respond with anything from a simple hug emoji to a long post, just the fact that I'm not being ignored for being in pain is the healing I was looking for. It's been said on this forum by a few members that our loneliness isn't because we're alone, it's because we feel unwanted. Here, we are all wanted. We need each other.
I'm glad you found this forum. I look forward to more interactions with you.
Welcome to the forum, RanOnEmpty.
I related to a lot of what you wrote, especially...
Quote from: RanOnEmpty on August 20, 2024, 11:12:15 PMWhen our screaming matches (yes, my mother would get into apoplectic screaming matches with her young child -what a sight that must have been) would get to a fever pitch, they'd lock me in my room.
Though for me it was my father rather than my mother. This too spoke to me...
Quote from: RanOnEmpty on August 20, 2024, 11:12:15 PMAs a child, I remember being physically and mentally exhausted all of the time. I never felt like running. I didn't like to play like the other kids. So I've been aware of my "difference" virtually since birth...
I've always felt different, often thinking I must actually be some kind of alien in disguise instead because of it. It's a bit of an oxymoron, but you're not alone in your loneliness... I understand how it feels to be unlike the others, and at no fault of your own; but I've met a lot of folks here who have struggled the same - it's helped me feel less 'different', and I hope it feels the same for you too.
I'm glad you've benefited from discovering CPTSD, it is a benefit I see often when people first come across this term.
I hope you enjoy your time here.
Regards,
Aphotic.