Out of the Storm

i decided to start another journal, one that carries more mundane stuff.  because i'm back in my original hometown now (more or less - a suburb), after nearly a quarter century, everything is familiar yet all new. it really does seem like starting over.

i want to record this area of my journey on its own.  there's so much here that doesn't have to do w/ c-ptsd, yet this is also where 3 of my biggest abusers were  (2 of them, my D1 and my ex are still here).  don't even know if my D1 knows i'm here.  last i heard, my ex wasn't telling her.  and, thank goodness, my first therapist has moved away. she did a number on me that i carry with till this day.

it's sad all over to me to write that.  we'll see if this works.  i also wanted to begin a journal here because there are folks here who's feedback and support i miss, and i suspect it's because i've only been involved in the 'members journals' section for quite a while.  just want to see what this feels like.  i am sad, tho.

I am sorry that you feel sad. Maybe it would be a good thing to sit with that sadness and think about where it is coming from. That's what my T would say, at any rate!

It must be kind of strange to be back in your original hometown after so long, but I think it is good that you are owning your space in this world even though your experiences of the town are not all good.

Yes, strange to be back in your home town where so much of it happened. I can relate because I drive back to my home town regularly to visit my m, seeing how much it's changed too. And wondering sometimes where all these people that I used to know went. And some things still the same, some of that is triggering too.

I just wanted to come sit with you and your sadness for a while so you're not alone here.  :hug:

Hi San, glad you took the step to start again. Sorry for the sadness, but sometimes the sadness passes and is replaced by lovely peace. I'm here with you too. Welcome back to starting over.
 :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you lots of nice things ahead in terms of starting over.  I hope you know that whatever happens, you are loved and appreciated.  Sending you a big hug  :bighug:
Hope

I will be thinking of you as have this restart.

thanks, NK.  i appreciate the support. :hug:

DF, so comforting to read that, and to picture me not being alone w/ this because of you.  thank you so. :hug:

thanks, chart.  the sadness has passed, but i don't know about the peace taking its place.  probably too much other stuff in there yet. :hug:

thanks for all those hugs, armee.  lovely! :hug:

hope, your comforting words were wonderful to read.  thank you so. :hug:

rainy, i appreciate the thought.  thank you. :hug:

well, after getting 3 vaccinations at once, i've been down and out for a week and a half.  honestly, my galpal even said the other day - didn't you just go thru this a little while ago?  i told her, yeah, i go thru this periodically, which is true.  it's difficult for me to continue feeling well for more than about 3 days at a time.  i think that makes me sad as well.

so much sadness inside.  i told my D the other day about we've got so many tears inside, and yesterday i was just plain weepy all day.  couldn't put my finger on anything specific, but it seemed like anytime i saw someone being kind to someone, my tears began.  it feels like i'm in a constant state of grieving.

i made a picture for myself to try to explain to my galpal about this stress thing and me, and what i came up with is a glass of water that is completely full to the point where the water jiggles at the rim of the glass, above the rim but not yet overflowing.  still, add one more drop, and the glass can no longer contain the liquid.  that's how i feel about my stress level.  i'm barely able to hold it together on a daily basis, so any extra stress of any kind, whether it's physical (as with these vaccinations), mental or emotional, my level overflows, and my physical system goes wonky, and i feel like crapola until i can rest and get back to 'normal'.

i read someone's post who wrote 'i feel normal', and that's a foreign phrase to me.  my 'normal' is so out of whack that it's nothing to celebrate.  being down like this continually takes me to dark places, and my thoughts are not healthy, at all.  when i do feel better, i'm able to take a walk in the mornings, and that is always a boost for me, but . . . i've only been able to do that for 3 days in a row since i've been here.

it's frustrating, and it pulls me under quite quickly.  i was able to get out of the house yesterday, was able to vote (and may i encourage others here in the u.s. to do so as well) which felt good, and went to both the library and the food bank.  and then i was exhausted the rest of the day, but stayed up very late cuz my D was dealing w/ my ex while he was in the ER, and she didn't get home till nearly midnite (he'd fallen, and of course, they found nothing wrong, but that took over 7 hrs. to establish!).

the reason this was upsetting for me - and, o yeah, i totally resent him for this, as irresponsible and foolish as that may seem (i can't get a handle on being mature and adult when it comes to anything about him) - was cuz my D does not like to drive at nite, especially if it's raining - and it did - and i know it ratchets up her anxiety.  worry wort mother hen here!

at any rate, i didn't get to sleep till 2 in the a.m., and woke up promptly at 6:15, so i know i don't have enough sleep under my belt, and i'll irrationally blame it on him.  ugh!!!  dang, i hate that i feel this way, and it's upsetting, but there it is.  i want to say i hate him, but i can't really feel that emotion like i did a while back.  but i resent him intruding on her life like this.

i'll just leave it at that.

Hi San, just wanted to let you know I hear you.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 25, 2024, 02:05:18 PMit seemed like anytime i saw someone being kind to someone, my tears began.

This resonates with me. It's like when people are mean to us, we know to brace ourselves and harnass, whereas when they're kind, oh dear, that just hits me terribly. Like the wounded part of me can now come out. And that's not easy. Yes, we have a lot of grieving to do.

And what you're saying about stress levels being up like the glass is already full and with a single drop it's flowing over, I get that too. The other day there was 'nothing' going on and my daughter asked 'why are you stressed' and I said that's just me, I'm stressed. That she needed to be on time for school, while she had plenty of time btw, was enough to stress me out.

And sometimes, it's enough to just get some of the things done that we wanna do. That's okay. We get pulled under quickly. We're okay the way we are.

Take care and big hugs  :hug:

DF, i so appreciate your support and validation on this 'full of stress' thing, but i hate that you experience it as well.  thank you. :hug:

still sick-y, still down about it, and now, because my lungs have gone wonky, i've had to quit my cigarettes, so food, especially sweets, are filling in, which also doesn't please me or my body.  caught betw. a rock and a hard place.  i know it sounds like a good thing not to smoke, but since i've only been doing 3-4 cigs/day, and my former T told me to keep doing it, especially as i was getting off my meds, i'm missing that little routine i'd actualized for relieving stress.

so, i'm sure that has something to do w/ being down.  i know it's better not to smoke, but, and i've quit before, sometimes for years at a time, but it has been a good stress-reliever for me, at least physically? mentally? emotionally?  somewhere in there, i was able to let out a whole lot of stress during the exhale.  other kinds of stress, tho, for sure.

at any rate, that's not happening now, at least not till my lungs have cleared up, and who knows when that will be.  i haven't decided for sure yet if i'm all the way quit or not.  we'll see.  in the meantime, just putting one foot in front of the other, doing my best to get thru a day.

 :hug:

Stupid sicknesses.

That's a really interesting observation about the stress relief through the exhale. I wonder how much of the stress relief of smoking is the nicotine and how much is the breathing pattern and if you'd get any comfort from even pretending to smoke, or if that would be even more unsettling.

I do hope you feel better soon.  :grouphug:

Hi, San, I'm glad you're having a fresh start! I hope you enjoy the transition and find new energy and life there. I resonate with your post, too. Sometimes I feel sadness for things I've missed. Like when someone is kind, it feels like "this is what I'm missing or missed" or "this is what I struggle to have in my life" for whatever reason. I don't know if I am translating the exact feeling. I Hope you'll find peace and comfort amongst the sadness. Sending you hugs and encouragement.  :hug:

It's really difficult to lose routines that feel supportive to us.  I hope that things shift in ways that allow you to bring back the routines that are helpful.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 25, 2024, 02:05:18 PMi made a picture for myself to try to explain to my galpal about this stress thing and me, and what i came up with is a glass of water that is completely full to the point where the water jiggles at the rim of the glass, above the rim but not yet overflowing.  still, add one more drop, and the glass can no longer contain the liquid.  that's how i feel about my stress level.  i'm barely able to hold it together on a daily basis, so any extra stress of any kind, whether it's physical (as with these vaccinations), mental or emotional, my level overflows, and my physical system goes wonky, and i feel like crapola until i can rest and get back to 'normal'.

This is an analogy that my own therapist described to me! As you describe aptly, humans don't just churn through stress like it's nothing. No, it builds up, more and more, until it eventually overflows and we can't contain it anymore. And it doesn't matter what type of stress it is, doesn't matter how small it is - it all adds up in the same cup. Sometimes things that aren't even related to stress can fill the cup, like.. you could picture hunger being a small ball; and when that ball of hunger is placed in the cup,  it displaces the stress, causes it to rise up even more. It is why taking care of ourselves is so important during times like these, though I understand how hard that is to do in those moments - because these cups of stress are like weights on us. Even if they're not overfilling, they are heavy and daunting, and even just the fear of them overfilling can create more stress. I think it's also why we're drawn to the little pleasures in life, because likewise - if any little bit of stress adds up, then any little bit of pleasure can be relieving as well.

I'm sorry your cup is so full these days. I hope you are able to find an opportunity to drain it soon. :hug:

I like Armee's idea of pretending to smoke, or just working on breathing in general. I don't know what it's like to smoke so perhaps this advice is completely off the mark, but would having some scented candles or incense around help maybe? Breathing and exhaling around something like that instead?

Regards,
Aphotic.

interesting point, armee, about the breathing, but i think that the release of the smoke, being able to see it leaving me has something to do w/ it.  i just tried the exhale mentally, and that's what came to mind. but, yeah, stupid sicknesses, for sure!  :hug:

thanks for the encouragement, phoebes.  it's been a process, for sure, and i'm not quite used to everything here yet, even tho it's mostly familiar on some level.  still, it's been a long time since i've been in this part of the country/world, so i'm still transitioning.  :hug:

thank you for the support on that, rainy.  it is indeed. :hug:

aphotic, thank you for the validation.  much appreciated.  scented candles are already in play, as is incense, but they're not the same.  i think it's the expulsion of physical smoke that is connected to the expulsion of stress, so pretending doesn't quite work.  guess i'll just have to live w/o, or go back to doing it.  we'll see. :hug:

couldn't sleep past 4 this morning, the air got warmer overnite rather than cooler, and it woke me up.  my mind feels clearer, tho, as if some of the gunk of feeling crappy has eased.  this so often happens like this - one day i'm feeling very down, dark, and in a minute i can feel completely different, as if the former hadn't happened at all.  i even feel confident to drive right now.  weird.

we got winter jackets from my bro yesterday, so that's nice to have that taken care of.  i have earmuffs (love those things!) and good gloves, but i still need a hat, i think.  haven't had to prepare for winter like this in quite a while.  it's part of the routine change.  like rainy mentioned, it can be difficult to have those routines upended.

and i'm dealing w/ static now, something i haven't dealt w/ in more than 20 years!  so very weird to me.  i don't know what it is, but this is the only place i can really remember having static electricity problems.  another something to get used to.  i do think that i'm finally used to the difference in the taste of the water, tho.  it was very prevalent to me (my D didn't have a problem) even tho we use a filter.

so, the changes are still making themselves known, and i'm still in the middle of dealing w/ them.  am still on the fence about the cigarettes, altho more than once i've thought about having to go outside to smoke during the winter and what that might look like.  and i'm still weaning off meds as well.  all of this, i have no doubt, is contributing to my food/eating battles right now, but it's good i wrote that down to remind myself. 

well, i can feel myself getting tired now, so i think i'll leave.  don't know if i can go back to sleep, but might give it a try.   :zzz:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 29, 2024, 11:37:25 AMone day i'm feeling very down, dark, and in a minute i can feel completely different, as if the former hadn't happened at all.  i even feel confident to drive right now.  weird.

I feel you there. Like, it's nice that the darkness is over, but it's also so confusing and oddly frustrating? Not sure if it feels the same for you. :)

I hope you were able to procure some rest!

Regards,
Aphotic.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 29, 2024, 11:37:25 AMone day i'm feeling very down, dark, and in a minute i can feel completely different, as if the former hadn't happened at all.  i even feel confident to drive right now.  weird.

San, have you always been this way? Or is this rapid mood change new? Could this be interpreted as a positive change?

Just wanted to comment as well that exhalation of cig smoke is possibly equivalent to evacuation of toxicity. Could I suggest something? Try focusing consciously on the inhalation of clean cool air. Your observation made me think of PMR (progressive muscle relaxation) where there's a focus on the "change" between inhalation and exhalation. Just an idea... Regardless all that, sincerely hope you're feeling better.
 :hug:

yep, aphotic, it was very confusing when i first started it, which was decades ago.  i'm kinda used to it now.  it's still surprising, tho. thanks for being here for me.  :hug:

chart, no it's not new.  when i fully realized this happened, i was in mexico.  some of it has been linked to my inability to recognize emotions.  they would play out physically, and often my legs wouldn't work in a minute, or they'd begin again in a minute, all w/o warning.  i got diagnosed (wrongly) as bi-polar when my mex. hub tried to describe it to the shrink there.  as far as the breathing goes, i'm just working on focusing on my lungs, who are still a bit wonky, so no cigs for them.  what comes next, we'll see.  thank for the suggestions. :hug:

i was able to go out to lunch w/ my galpal yesterday, and that was good, but i'm tired today.  different food, sitting outside, all that jazz.  i've noticed, tho, that my lungs are beginning to clear up, so i'm glad of that.

grieving so many things, as usual.  anytime i see someone/thing on tv that treats someone well, or that wasn't in my life when i needed them, or anything like that, especially parental or relationship stuff, i just begin weeping.  i remember going to a healer in mex., and he would massage legs from the knees down, and i went every day for 2 weeks, and just cried buckets of tears when he did that.

my H was embarrassed by it, i think, or afraid that i was disturbing the others who were there, but i didn't care.  it seemed to me that since those tears were coming so easily, they must need to be released, and this seemed to be a catalyst for that release.  so, as many gallons of tears i shed in those 2 weeks, there are still more and more that want to come out.  it feels neverending.  it's also exhausting at times.

Hey San, I hear you about tears. Amazing how many bucket-loads there are in us. I'm glad you let it go. I'm the same, I never try to hold them back. I had a massage last summer and just bawled the whole way through. I warned the masseuse beforehand. She said she sees that often... And fatigue... yeah, I'm there too. I sure hope it's a sign of healing cause I'm just flattened lately.
 :hug:

i agree, chart, it is amazing how many tears are still waiting to come out.  feels neverending.  :hug:

the weather changed, it was quite chilly last nite, i even put an extra blanket on my bed in the middle of the night, but i slept better than i have in quite a while - well, since the last time it was chilly.  this heat thing is quite amazing to me, cuz when i lived in mexico, 9 mos. of the year i lived in A/C, and it was set to 77 F.  now, that temp feel hot to me and i'm uncomfortable in anything over 70.  how i lived there for 16 yrs. sometimes boggles my mind, but it sure helps explain why i had so much problem sleeping.  those conditions were all wrong for me.

was able to walk this morning, finally, and as always, it felt good.  not very far, not very long, but it was something, and i'll take it.  walking outdoors really sets my day on a pos. track for some reason.  i eat better, feel less anxious, see more clearly - all kinds of things.  i have to see if the malls here are open early during the winter. when i used to live here, i'd walk in the malls nearly every morning it rained or snowed.  it was good.

i have one 'job' i want to finish today, and that is collecting and putting in a vase all the dried flowers, etc. i've gathered.  my D told me yesterday she wasn't like me in that i could just be ok w/ leaving dried flowers willy nilly, and i told her the only reason they're like that is cuz i've felt too crappy to fix them.  so, that gave me the incentive to have that goal for today.

come to think of it, i used to have goals like that most days, even small things like putting the laundry away (well, small to some.  to me it was a chore that often didn't get done in a timely manner cuz i was just too tired or sick).  so, starting over once more. *sigh* how many times now have i 'started over'?  too many to count. ugh.

Seems like we start over every day. Doing something good for ourselves every day, even if it seems ever so 'little'. It's not little. It's a big thing we are taking care of ourselves. Getting better a tiny bit every day. (Please disregard if this doesn't ring true, just my feelings here.) :hug:

DF, you've got a point about starting over every day.  to me, starting over took a lot of energy, and most days i'm expending what i have just to get thru the day and make it to the next.  a different way to think of it.  thanks for your support. :hug:

well, a good day yesterday, and right now i feel like crapola once again.  the temp changed, and i'm having a hard time coping w/ that.  DST is going on tonite, altho in the fall, getting an extra hour doesn't knock me for a loop like losing an hour in the spring.  altho the cold felt so good to me yesterday, i think i overdid it, and then i forgot my advil last nite, so woke up early aching all over.  one of these days, i'll get it right . . .

today has now been designated a day to recover.  so sick of this.

 :hug:

Recover with care today, San. Rough week ahead for all of us in the US, time change just the tip of the iceberg. Hoping for the best for you, for us.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 02, 2024, 12:12:55 PMaltho the cold felt so good to me yesterday, i think i overdid it, and then i forgot my advil last nite, so woke up early aching all over.  one of these days, i'll get it right . . .

today has now been designated a day to recover.  so sick of this.

Ack, I hate it when I forget my medicine. :( I can sympathise with the frustration and pain, san. I'm glad you're taking the time to rest. Wanting the best for you.  :hug:

Regards,
Aphotic.

thank you, armee, and yes, i hear you.  today is a big day, for sure. :hug:

aphotic, thanks for your support.  it is truly appreciated. :hug:

was able to drive to a different place yesterday, and it felt ok.  every little bit of this helps me w/ my confidence that i know what i'm doing, have done it a million miles or more before.  muscle memory has kicked in, and it's been wonderful to realize that, has brought a smile to my heart while driving.

it's been strange being here, having support people, people who want to see me, be around me who have known me for ages and ages.  not used to it yet.

still fighting with fears, hesitations about what to do and when.  that started at our other place, and i don't like that it's followed me here.  i'm not used to living with fear yet.

 :wave:

I am interested to keep hearing how being in a familiar place goes and how the relationship to others that have known you goes. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 05, 2024, 01:00:06 PMi'm not used to living with fear yet.

Yes, that's hard.  :hug:

hi, larry.  good to see you!  thanks for stopping in. :hug:

rainy, i'll certainly keep updating.  thanks for the interest. :hug:

DF, it HAS been hard.  i've written here before about not knowing how people who have known fear have lived w/ it for so much of their lives.  it's still somewhat of a foreign entity to me.  thank you for your support. :hug:

it's weird to have something of a social calendar again.  my bro's SO is coming over Sun. so we can figure out our med insurance together.  i used to have to go thru this stuff w/ my D all the time, or make such decisions on my own, and she didn't know anything about it (which i don't either, but it's tied to being older and i have to deal w/ it). that's going to be so helpful.

i'm also going to lunch w/ my cousin next week (who was my best friend at one time) who i haven't seen in 40? yrs. or so. when she called, i couldn't recognize her voice at all.  but, i forgot about that, and double-booked myself w/ my galpal, so that's got to be re-done.  dang, part of this is difficult cuz my D and i have to share the car, and neither of us are used to that yet.

and my bro wants to go to one of our parks and take a walk there w/ me, which i'm also looking forward to.  it just still seems strange, but i can see now how very depressed i was where we had lived, cuz i was so isolated.  to have things to look forward to, even small things like a visit or lunch or a walk amongst the trees feels so huge for my life.  not used to any of it, but i can look back and recognize the depression.

can't afford a T now, but i think i'm doing ok on my own right now.  some of the trauma stuff comes back, especially if i wake in the middle of the night, but now i can go to the library and have been getting fun books i can read at 3 in the morning and fall back asleep to.  that's a nice difference.  this forum, all the people here, also really helps.  can't say enough good about being here and staying connected.

the trees are getting pretty bare now, but the weather is cool and crisp and autumn-y, and i can sleep better at nite w/o the heat, so that helps as well.  and my bro brought me varying degrees of warmth jackets - all my cool/cold weather wear was left behind by mistake, altho, when we looked at it more closely, we'd have had to leave them all behind anyway cuz there was no room in the car - and i've walked w/ 2 of them, and they've worked out well.

and these seasons seem on time to me again - where we were, the seasons were a month or two off, and that always felt strange to me.  of course, in mexico, the seasons were totally off, planting was topsy turvy, and that always bothered me.  don't know if i'll be able to grow anything here, but there's a lovely little community garden that's open to the public, and we've gotten some great veggies the past couple months.  we also found a nice little food bank that has been helpful.

movin' right along . . .

Hi San, I've read through your posts since the last time..I'm really glad you have some support there and that it helps lift the isolation depression. I really relate to that. Even if it's in small doses, I think that's wonderful to realize you're cared for and you DO have energy, it's just more realized right now with a little help/interaction.

Please be gentle with yourself  :hug:

I'm glad you've got things to look forward to. And it sounds good they are small things, because as you say small things can feel really huge. So a big, giant treat might actually not feel like a treat because certain factors could be overwhelming. I know I am reluctant to re-book the cruise that had to be cancelled when I was in hospital because aspects of a big holiday feel tough to deal with at the moment. I think you are managing yourself really well. Keep taking those small steps because when you look back you will see just how far you have come.

thank you, phoebes, for the note on self-care.  i don't know how much conscious thought i give to that, so the reminder is excellent. :hug:

thanks, NK, for the support and validation.  yeah, even small things can feel big at times, and the big things can feel overwhelming.  good call on your cruise. :hug:

the idea of not giving very much conscious thought to self-care kind of struck me.  besides cancelling outings in order to rest, i don't know what else i can do to care for myself.  i'd love to go for a massage, but can't afford it.  would love to get exactly the food i want, but can't afford that, either.  those are 2 areas of self-care that come to mind.

i suppose i'm caring for myself now that i'm not smoking at all.  getting knocked down by my lungs going wonky after the pneumonia vaccine, well, i couldn't do that to them.  of course, i changed my tack and binged on sugar for 3 days.  that wasn't good, and i paid the price for that in a very uncomfortable way.  so, i guess, even if it was a difficult way to come to it, not smoking is pretty big, even only 4 cigs/day.  i'm sure it's still gotta hurt me.

i did manage to cry a bit the other day.  that was a good thing, i think.  let some of that sadness out. and now i'm hearing about people being afraid, and my heart goes out to them.  so, i'm feeling angry about that, that they should have to feel that way.  one trans kid we know woke up the day after the election and burst into tears, not wanting to go to school, scared out of his mind.  that's not right, that people should have to be concerned for themselves like that. someone on the forum wrote something similar.

anyway, yeah, angry about that.  i can feel it.  i don't like it. don't know what to do with it, either. i just want to call on my earth mother spirit and wrap every scared person up in my arms surrounded by voluminous skirts to comfort and keep them safe.

San, I forgot to mention kudos for quitting smoking!  :thumbup:  :thumbup:

I'd say that's the best bit of self care anyone could do!  :hug:

thanks, phoebes!  that level of recognition is big for me, cuz i don't think of quitting smoking as a big deal anymore - i've done it so many times in my life, sometimes for years at a time. so, thank you for recognizing it, giving it the magnitude it deserves. :hug:

it was interesting to me to be applauded for quitting smoking (even tho i think about starting again most days) cuz, like i said, i've done it so many times.  once i stopped for 15 yrs.  this has been a few weeks, and i'm still not sure if i'm actually 'quit' or not.  i've got cigs sitting in my room, ready to be puffed on if i feel the need, or anxiety gets the best of me again.  for some reason i'm just letting them be right now. 

i have to admit, in the field of addictions, cigs has been probably the most difficult to quit.  really didn't have any problem geting off alcohol or drugs, but the cigs . . . they've helped me get thru some very tough times even when i didn't have other chemicals to lean on.  things are changing for me right now with this move in so many ways. we haven't been here 6 mos. yet, either.

it looks like i'm gonna cut my hair off.  it's quite long, straight, one length - i may donate to 'locks of love' if i can find the energy.  i looked them up this morning.  my hair has gotten so thin, so much of it has fallen out from the stress of both dealing w/ the trauma and the recovery from it, that it is also very, very thin, and i've got several large white patches of scalp showing.

my hair has been a big deal to me all my life.  i've always liked my hair, loved the color - i even love the silver streaks i have now! - and have been a stylist for quite a few years, since i was 20, i think, altho i haven't worked in a shop for decades.  it was just one of the iterations of me throughout my life.  at any rate, it has broken my heart to see what the top of my head looks like now, and i can't really look at it anymore cuz it hurts so much to see what's happened to it.

so, i'm hoping a shorter 'do' will help take some of the pressure off my hair and scalp, and it won't be as painful to brush thru it.  pulling on it doesn't help its health and welfare. i'm using a rosemary-infused shampoo lately to try to strengthen it, too, but i think it's mostly cuz of stress that it's been breaking and falling out.  hopefully, as i stay here, accept myself more fully, and allow the love and caring in that i'm experiencing here, my hair will grow back.  if not, asi es la vida - such is life.

 :hug: aw, San, I'm picturing your beautiful long silver streaky hair, and a cute fun shorter "do." I'm sorry you experienced some falling out..I feel link changing hormones can have some effect too, whether that is tied in to stress or on its own, I'm not sure.

I don't know if this helps, but at times when I've had big gobs of hair falling out, I use a shampoo called Nioxin (in the states) that is specifically for that, and it really did help. Again, I'm not sure if that is right for you but wanted to throw my experience with that out there.

It's been hard accepting this new hair I have, too. It just is what it is, dang it. I had some highlights and tints over time to sort of blend and condition the dull greys, but I'm even beyond that, growing the grey out so that at least it's not damaged. This 'ol' gal is getting weathered.

 :hug:

here's to weathered ol' gals, phoebes!  actually, the hormone issue was taken care of in my 40's, so i don't think that has an effect anymore.  stress and old age, tho, for sure! :hug:

thanks for the hug, chart. :hug:

i was up in the middle of the night, and began crying when i read a passage about a man who was there for a woman while she cried w/ exhaustion after having gone thru a terrible experience.  how tired am i of having had to do all this w/o help from the males in my life, and who were the causes of such experiences in the first place.  except now my brother, who is beyond helpful.  so much grief stored up.  i doubt it will ever get all cried out.

 :hug:

I wish there were more men like your brother in your life now and especially in the past.

thanks, armee.  me, too, :hug:

i cut my hair this morning. cried for several minutes.  am now gonna play on the computer for a while, then take a shower and go to lunch w/ my cuz.  haven't seen her in 40+ yrs.  we were best friends for quite a while.  my neck feels bare.  short bob. kinda.  i just chopped, so it's a choppy bob.

Thats a big change, San. Grief would be normal especially what your hair has meant for you. I bet your choppy chopped Bob looks pretty cute.  :hug:

it is cute, armee!  thanks. :hug:

cousin lunch is postponed cuz i mixed things up.  drat!  looking forward to seeing her.

i like my haircut, especially the first day.  will have to figure some things out for the days after, but it'll do.  i've had my hair so many different ways over the years, have never been satisfied w/ keeping it the same.  kinda like my life, i guess.

I want to see a pic!  :hug:

phoebes, i'd love to accommodate you, but i don't have the ability to do that.  but, thanks for asking! :hug:

today is a clean-up day.  gotta clean myself, clean the dishes, clean the living room cuz my SIL is coming over so we can go thru and arrange some extra medical benefits for ourselves.  ugh!  bureaucracy (dang, i had to look that word up! couldn't remember how to spell it!).

gonna make my fav potato salad using 2/3 cauliflower instead of all potatoes.  it's a lot of work, but one of my fav things to eat.  i always feel like i'm doing something really good for myself w/ it.

dang, i guess it's just a day of doing stuff.  i guess i must feel ok.  sometimes i don't even know that except by what i'm doing/not doing.

i read in another journal about intrusive/racing thoughts.  i still have those at times, and they're the worst, especially in the middle of the night.  something i've been doing which has helped keep them at bay has been reading a 'fun' book, both before i go to sleep, and if i'm having trouble getting back to sleep.  i know it's probably just a band-aid solution, but honestly, i don't have the energy to get back into 'working' on this crapola right now. just did a little mind scan on that last sentence, and, nope, no energy for it.

ugh!  don't have the money for therapy, either, to try to take care of that stuff.  so, i guess i'll do the best i can do, which is run away.

speaking of which, this is my third day w/ no xanax.  i think i may finally be ok to not take it anymore, altho i have plenty left to be able to use if i need it.  i guess i'm kinda proud of myself - no cigs, no meds.  if it were someone else, i'd be saying that it's a big deal.  just feels run of the mill for me.  why is that?  do i think i'm better than others?  or just that i have higher expectations for myself than others?  yep, i think that's it.  part of growing up traumatized about not being allowed to be an 'average' student, which translated to not being allowed to be 'average' anything.

eventually i'll work on that one.  i hate it.

San, I don't know you in real life but I have a very hard time imagining you as "average" in any sense. You seem too unique and too special to be average.

But yeah the higher standards. The price we paid for "messing up" even slightly was a high one...

I think it's amazing you have been able to stop using tobacco and Xanax. I hope if you feel good without those substances that it is not too difficult to continue to not use them.  :cheer:

I read your update and resonate with the challenges of not being "average."

Hey San, your comment on growing up with trauma really resonates. All the bars got way skewed, so I don't know where to place my achievements. I relate.
 :hug:

The cauliflower and potato salad is a great idea. I may well try that sometime. Do you do it in a mayonnaise dressing or a vinaigrette one? Or something else?

I agree you are doing really well with no cigs and no meds. Good for you. I also resonate with not being happy with average. Seems like there are plenty of us here! I don't know about you but my upbringing (and education) was all about results. There was little concept of value in making an effort if it did not yield perfect results. In fact making an effort without succeeding was denigrated and if it became obvious I would never "succeed" at whatever it was I was told to drop the activity altogether. Hence, for example, my very late discovery that I actually like fitness because I was really rubbish at the school choice of sports. Whether or not I might have enjoyed them, or other sports, with a little encouragement was immaterial. I certainly don't get the impression that you are at all the type of person who would think you are better than others, so maybe you are someone who has difficulty in giving yourself credit for an achievement even if the results are not "perfect" or exactly what you envisioned. And yeah, that seems like trauma to me.

 :grouphug:

on my way w/ my D to the doc - she has to have a biopsy and is very upset.  i am by osmosis, altho i really don't think it's anything more than a cyst. back to the xanax . . .

 :hug:

I hope the biopsy isn't too painful and a (good) answer comes very quick. Stress and uncertainty suck.

I hope that the appointment goes ok for your D and for you in your osmosis.  I hope they give a speedy outcome in terms of the results, and that all is well.   :hug:
Hope

I hope all goes well for your D and that whatever it is turns out to be nothing of concern.

 :grouphug:

thank you armee, hope, and NK, for the well wishes.  we should hear tomorrow or thurs. at the latest.  fingers crossed, prayers flying.

my chest just tightened up.  i wrote in my other journal that i think i have more processing to do, this time on hub#1.  he's been by the wayside for most of this time, these past 5 yrs. due to the narcs i've been dealing w/.  he was very verbally and emotionally abusive, and i've kind of shoved that under the rug.  but it leaked out w/ all the other dirt under there this morning.  i just don't want to do this anymore!

I have a really good vacuum cleaner.  :hoovering:

I mostly use it for spiders but I'd be happy to lend it to you to suck up all the stuff under the rug you don't want to deal with anymore. I'll take the vacuum cleaner back and you won't have to deal with it, I'll take all that dirt and dump in the sea...I think on the opposite side of the country from you.

 :grouphug:


God i wish burying and ignoring this stuff worked.  :doh:

I'm glad you don't have to wait long for biopsy results. That is really good. Now just fingers crossed for good news.

your vacuum cleaner is genius, armee!  i just shook my head in wonder at your cleverness - such a gift to me. thank you so. :hug:

i drove yesterday to my galpal's house, a 20-min. drive.  it's in the area where my D's doc appt. was, and i drove us home from that, so i knew i could do it.  needed my xanax for it, tho.  still anxious beforehand.  but, it went well, altho i had a headache after due to the tension on the way home.  first time i've driven in real traffic in over 20 years, and saw 2 accidents at intersections on the way home.  none of which were me, so yay! (didn't look like anyone got hurt either, so another yay!)

will be seeing my cousin today, first time in over 40 yrs. - she and i used to be best friends.  it'll be interesting.  she's a loving catholic, quite 'clean' in her language and such, and when i spoke w/ her on the phone last week, i inadvertently let out an f-bomb after realizing i messed up the date we were sposed to get together.  ooops!  but, after i apologized, she said she didn't use such words, but it wasn't something she hadn't heard.  we'll see how this goes.

I hope you have a good visit with your cousin today. And well done for doing the drive to and from your friend so you could visit her. I think it's great that you are doing all these things. Good for you.

thanks, NK, for the encouragement and the support :hug:

well, my D's biopsy is pos., and she's looking into surgery to have it cut out.  she's got to wait to talk to someone about the best options, etc., so now all we do is wait.  i called my galpal to tell her, and that's when the tears started. not good.

 :hug:

I'm so sorry.

I am thinking of you and your D.

thank you armee and rainy.  she's got 2 appts. next week, one is for more tests, one is to discuss surgery or other options.  ugh!

So sorry, San... Let the tears come as needed. Hold tight to peace and warm energy, cool blue positivism for you and your daughter. I'm joining you. Love and hugs
 :hug:

thanks, chart, for your support.

been a while since i've been here, due mostly to being ill for 2 weeks.  my D got some kind of bug just lately, has been walking around a little (masked, so as not to give it to me) but mostly in her room.  so far i haven't gotten it. 
she's also still dealing w/ her cancer diagnosis, has to get another biopsy for something else they found on the MRI from last week.  and the beat goes on . . .

we'll have 2 cancer survivors in this household when she's finished with all this. i hate the thought that we've both had to struggle w/ this.

i continue to work on the idea . . .  dang, i lost my train of thought.  too much in my head, everything's vying to have space front and center. 

Hi SanMagic,
It's horrible when the space front and center in the head is so tight, but I very much hope that you get some resting moments, and more space to process what you want to - and also room for a big hug from me as well  :bighug:
Hope

San, I am thinking of you and your daughter as you navigate health related things.  I resonate with what you say about so many things trying to be front and center.

San, I'm so sorry about your D's diagnosis. I'm thinking of you and her as you tackle this one step at a time. That is a lot. I hope your reconnection with your cousin was helpful and non-judgemental. Thinking of you and sending loads of support  :grouphug:

Sending you and your D. lots of warmth and love in these difficult times. Hang in there. :hug:

Thinking of you and your D. The cancer treadmill is a tough one to be on. They seem to have a habit of finding yet more things to investigate. Of course it is good that they are thorough, but the emotional toll is very high. And of course the stress lowers the immune system, so the other bugs come in. Ugh.

 :grouphug:

hope, there's always room for a big hug from you.  thank you so. :hug:

thanks, rainy.  too much is too much, right?  :hug:

thank you for the support, phoebes.  so appreciated. :hug:

DF, thank you so much for your caring.  :hug:

NK, thank you for your kindness and understanding.  what you wrote about finding other stuff reminded me of so many times when i've taken a car in for something, they always found more!  got a little chuckle out of that, which i appreciated. :hug:

you all are truly wonderful people, and dear to my heart.

woke up in the middle of the night, nauseous.  still there, which, after having the stomach flu is frightening.  i guess i need to take a day off, and just be. 

i spent the afternoon w/ my galpal a few days ago, and she's in a lot of pain, has been, and i feel so bad for her.  i needed to write this down cuz i have to get out of my own way about it.  i did a little of my healing thing w/ her, she said she didn't believe in it, i said i do.  that left me w/ a bad feeling, and when i talked to her yesterday i apologized if i had crossed a line w/ her.

she said, no, she just didn't like it, didn't want to do it, and mentioned something about not being very sensitive about disagreeing, and i said i was very sensitive.  we talked it out, but it brought up flashbacks of how i've often been looked at as kind of a weirdo, or cuz i didn't empathize w/ others, i ruined a great friendship, which is no more.  i'm hoping putting that here will help me let this go.

she's been kind and generous w/ me since i've been back, and we honestly do have a good time together, but it's very plain to me how very different she and i are.  i've gotten to be so introspective, self-reflective, very in tune w/ myself and she's not really like that.  it's the old mentality i grew up with, that i don't fit with anymore.  it's hard for me to go back to that - besides which, when i was like that i was either in survival mode or drunk.  things didn't matter the same way to me then.

i want to accept this as it is, be ok w/ it, and just have fun w/ her, be a friend.  i don't like that this crapola from the past come up to bite me in the butt.  still. 

my D has to go for another MRI on thurs. and it's going to be a long, horrible procedure - intravenous solution to make things show up more, laying on her belly w/ arms over her head, MUST absolutely stay still or it'll have to be done over.   :aaauuugh:  i am so stressed that she has to go thru this, her anxiety is running all over the place.  poor thing.

talked to my galpal about it, how stressed i am, she said she wanted to come w/ me when my D had her surgery, just to be there for me, and i burst into tears.  she got all flustered, wanted to end the call so i could 'pull' myself 'together'.  it felt like someone wanted to yank the life buoy out from under me when i was on the verge of drowning!  i kept talking, not wanting to let her get off the phone, told her it was good for me to cry, i was only crying cuz i hadn't had very many people in my life actually want to support ME.  i felt frantic for a bit because of that.

i was able to calm down and able to let her go, but it was another example to me of how people are so very uncomfortable w/ emotions.  they really just want others to be ok or supportive, but not show any real emotion.  it was difficult to navigate that interaction.  i don't know . . .

Hi San, I can just feel the anxiety and stress of having to go through such a procedure, it's very tough. Sending you both strength and calm to get through it :hug:

And I so feel how people cannot deal with any negative emotions. And it's so unhealthy to keep them within! So very good that you're spilling them here, not easy but very good and healthy! Keep that up!

 :hug: I can understand how complex receiving support in a really difficult time can be. I'm glad you're able to lean into it and accept support from caring people through this time. Big hugs to you San  :hug:

DF, thank you for your encouragement, support, and empathy.  so appreciated.  i'm so glad i've got this place. :hug:

ooops, i hit 'post' and cut myself off.

phoebes, thank you so much for your care.  it's so new and different, which is what makes it weird in a way.  but, i'm so thankful for it. :hug:

i'm in the holiday spirit more than i've been in a very long time.  i've been having a pretty good time seeing our decorations, and even have felt somewhat enthusiastic about putting some up in my room.  that's been squelched out of me for many years - christmas isn't celebrated the same way in mexico, and i spent a lot of years there.  for one thing, adults don't give other adults gifts at christmastime, which i found sad.

my D has buoyed me along w/ decorating since i began living w/ her, making sure we had some decorations and lights up every year.  i wouldn't have bothered if it were me alone.  last nite we made chex mix together to give to family and friends, and it was really fun.  very heartwarming.  i've even put lights on the branches in my room.  it's feeling nice and homey inside me.

i forgot about the stress for a minute there.

 :hug:

It sounds lovely.  :grouphug:

I hope that your friend is someone who can be gently guided into giving the support that anyone would need going through this. She clearly wants to be a support but also clearly doesn't know about emotional support and how important it is to have someone just listen to our emotions and be there. On the other hand having someone there as "support" who forces you to keep all your emotions locked up inside, that is not helpful aside from a free ride and a distraction.

thank you, armee, for your perspective.  i totally agree.  :hug:

i was able to talk to her about it yesterday, she was kind to me, said she wanted to support me.  it felt good.  she and i are both glad to be back in each other's lives.  she's also got friends, like i did, who are a one-way street.  but she's seeing a different kind of friend w/ me. 

i talked to my D a little bit about it, how so many people we know here are not really interested in knowing or understanding much more than what their parents taught them, perspective, the world, other people, etc.  and how very opinionated they are from that narrow vantage point.  one of the reasons i didn't quite fit in here.  neither did my D.  i don't know if i can change anything, but i can give an entirely different opinion and perspective.  they're not necessarily bad people - very good-hearted, generous, caring, all that good stuff - just don't have expanded mindsets on people who are different from them, mostly.

like me.  but i've been different in some way from most of the friends i've run with.  again, the weirdo.  i'm not exactly unhappy w/ that, just that sometimes it's felt dismissive of my entire being.  i think a lot of it is also because i haven't been able to 'see' things exactly the same way - alexithymia and spectrum issues have gotten in the way of that at times.  again, i've lived life for the most part very confused and detached.  and i don't think that's anything i can help.  it just is, and how could anyone understand that? 

i also noticed yesterday how very many triggers i navigate.  i was reading something, and there was a reference to my mother's name, and i suddenly shot back to memories i didn't like.  that still happens and it's hard to stay even sometimes. 

i just flashed on some of this is coming out cuz tomorrow's a big day for my D at the hospital, and the stress of it has come to the fore.  ugh!

MRI day today.  we're both anxious about it.  i do have some 'homework' to do while she's in the machine - they have a sort of spa for cancer patients, massages offered among other things, and i'm gonna check it out, feel the vibes, etc.  hopefully she can take advantage of it.  this crapola really wreaks havoc w/ muscles, etc.

i wanted to do a little something for our friends/family who have helped us so much, so i made chex mix, and we found some fun christmas tins at the dollar store.  this weekend we'll deliver the bunch.  haven't felt this christmas-y in a very long time.

my stomach is beginning to clench after listening to my D describe the procedure she has to go thru.  ugh!  horrible.  thank everything good that i got some sleep last nite.  i'm looking forward to this being done w/. 

Thinking of you and your daughter San, wishing you well with the procedure today.  :hug:

Thinking of you and your D San. It was sweet of you to make your friends some festive Chex mix! Yum!  :grouphug:

DF, thank you so for your care. :hug:

phoebes, thank you.  very sweet of you to say so. :hug:

the procedure was worse than she expected, and both of us are wrung out now.  we stuffed our faces w/ take-out afterwards.  plus she's in pain from this biopsy, so she's got that to deal w/.  i told her i would've done it all for her if i could've.  i'm just a wreck from having her go thru this.  i can't even imagine what she's like.

i know they're being careful and thorough, but, dang!

Aarght that's rough San. I'm sorry it was such a terrible ordeal. Forget about the take out and have some chocolate too. I do hope you both feel a little better soon. Wishing you all the best :hug:

:bighug: for and your D.

This is such a tough ordeal. I am so sorry they have to put her through so much before even starting treatment.

She is lucky to have you there with her as hard as it is to see her go through it.  :hug:

Sending you lots of healing supportive mom energy to help carry you through this, for both you and D.  :grouphug:

How's your friend managing her assignment?

thank you, armee, for all your kindness and caring.  so appreciated. :hug:

i'm looking forward to not really doing anything for christmas.  today my D has a surgical consult, where she'll probably find out the date for surgery.  and the beat goes on . . .

Hey San! Finally catching up, sorry I've been gone for awhile. Sounds like you've had your hands full too. Ouf, it just keeps piling on eh? I hope you have a nice calm Christmas. Sending love and support to you and your daughter.
Merry Christmas!
 :hug:

thanks, chart, and back atcha! :hug:

yesterday was the surgical consult.  still no surgery date, but my D has other medical appts. in jan. and she wants to get those out of the way first, so she has a clear calendar going forward after the surgery, less stress to worry about.  it struck her after the consult that she really does have cancer, and it was a terrible blow, that realization.  i was in tears hearing that.  this is too much.

christmas eve will be quiet for me, and i'm glad.  she's going to a get together tonite, so i'll be watching my guilty pleasure show (MAFS) and wrapping gifts and just not being around others. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 24, 2024, 03:06:39 PMand just not being around others

;D

I'm feeling for you and your D San. It is a terrible thing to have to realise.

And I do like to not be around others myself (although my situation is different atm). Sending you hugs from afar.

 :hug:

thanks, chart!  i needed a little grin myself, and you provided it. :hug:

thank you DF, i'll take those hugs, near or far! :hug:

just finished shedding some tears for my D1, and her absence from my life.  i miss her - not all of her, not the abuse part, but the funny, warm part that was there every so often.  still, not enough to ever want that back in my life.  so, accepting that she's gone and i can't have her back.  she's gone.

 :hug:

With you in this grief, San. I'm sorry that things are this way with D1. It is appropriate to grieve the parts you miss.

thanks for the validation, armee.  much appreciated.  :hug:

D and i shed tears yesterday around her upcoming surgery.  i just now thought about getting mad that this is happening to her.  hmmm . . . i got mad at a friend of hers instead, who is basically screwing her over for new year's.  she's going to go out on her own, tho, get a motel room there and just enjoy!  i'm glad for her that she's able to do that.  i know she'll have a good time.

so, that's my plan for new year's - i will sit home, eat cream cheese and salsa w/ chips, and bring in the new year alone - that's not any different than most new years for the past 20 yrs. or so.  when i lived w/ her, she didn't stay up that late, except for maybe once or twice, and same when i was in mexico.  i always knew i wouldn't sleep thru the fireworks going off, and my hub was able to do that, so i just brought in the new year on my own.  rather fitting for me, i guess.

i can feel the stress and tension running amok thru my body.  i feel full with it, and it doesn't feel good.

It's good to grieve San and it's hard too.
And it's also good to be able to shed tears together. To have that connection.
And I'm sorry you're stressed out as well, it's a rotten feeling. Hang in there.
And I would like to say your plans for new years sound absolutely fine to me.
Big hugs
 :hug:

thank you, DF.  your validation and care are so appreciated. :hug:

the stress levels here in our home are thru the roof.  no cigs, tho.  unfortunately, or fortunately, i'm thinking that a lot of my intestinal problems have been due to cigarettes.  seems that, at least since thanksgiving when i had the bug, things have settled down in that situation.  i thought it was just a reset cuz that nite was so violent in the bathroom.  like my guts cleaned themselves out and are starting over.

one more reason not to smoke.  i hate that.

Hugs san  :hug:  :hug:

As you wrote to me, hang in there

So many messages from body and heart... and even listening is hard.
 :hug:

 :hug:

 :hug:

thank you, blueberry.  i will, i'm sure, even if i don't want to! :hug:

thanks, phoebes :hug:

yeah, it is, chart.  thank you for your sympathy.   :hug:

thanks, hope  :hug:

all these hugs are so wonderful!

as chart said, it is hard - actually, not so much to listen to them, but to give them value and to act on them in a healthy way.  i'm struggling every day to do the latter 2.  so far, so good?  i mean, it is good/healthy for me to respect those messages, but to keep myself from ignoring them is the harder part.  ugh!!! my irrational mind wants to ignore them cuz i'm eating way too much and cigs would help curb that.

i want to ignore them.  it seems this is a situation now where i can't go back.  but, i've been there before.  my mom died of lung cancer, i stopped smoking for 2 whole weeks before i resumed.  i had bronchitis, i stopped for over 15 years before smoking again.  i went to the hospital in mexico for 3 days with pneumonia, i stopped for about 1 1/2 yrs. before i went back.  oooh, i've got a disgusted grimace on my face about the 'going back' stuff.  that's addiction for you.  the ultimate love/hate relationship.

That's right, it is addiction for you. Not a personal failing. Just keep going as long as you can! No judgement one way or the other here from us.  :grouphug: you've been doing great so far!

thank you, armee, for the words of encouragement and the assurance of no judgments.  i appreciate that a lot.  hopefully, i'll be able to hang in there. :hug:

new year's eve.  my bro and his woman are coming over today, i want to do a little hors d'Oeuvres (i had to look that up) tray for them.  it's a tradition we had in our family for the girls to feel a little festive w/ the adults.  just gonna use what i've got here.  it's nice to have some of this spirit w/in me again.

That sounds nice San, I hope you have a nice evening together.  :hug:

thank you, DF.  we did have a nice time together. :hug:

a new year.  resting up for tomorrow when i'll be going to see the dylan biopic.  very much looking forward to it.  those folk songs at the time stirred my innate sense of advocacy, i think.  they raised my awareness to a level not thought of in my family nor friend circle.  to do them justice, i've taken to the streets, been a volunteer counselor for battered women, have written letters on behalf of myself and others to get medication availability changed (in mexico), and brought awareness of c-ptsd to other therapists. 

for a minute i didn't want to sound like i was blowing my own horn, but writing this down was a good reminder to me that i've made a difference in the world.  that's an immense feeling for going forward in a new year.  i wish i could continue doing that kind of thing, but i really can't commit to time or space anymore.  can't trust my body or brain to be in the right space or feel well enough.  still, at least i did something.

my greatest fear was becoming dumpy and boring.  and alone.  i know i'm not any of those things at this point in my life, and for that i'm glad.  i also raised 2 daughters to be strong, independent women, bilingual, and non-racist.  a lot of that was because of my decision to send them to a spanish immersion school.  they were introduced to all kinds of cultures, skin tones, and ways of being there.  i'm just thankful that option was open to us.

all in all, in such a moment of sanity and lucidity, i know i've done a good job in my life.  i don't normally reflect on this, so i'm glad i took the time to do so here and now.  writing this has felt very grounding, for some reason.  too often i've felt like the odd one out, kind of snickered about, but i've also accomplished some very positive things for myself and others.  i don't know why i don't do this more often. 

i do wish i could volunteer at the library, but realistically, no.  i'm just glad i still have a 'want' like that in me. it feels future forward, like i still have life to live.  haven't felt that way in a long time.  i think i've been very depressed and didn't know it.  for many years.  hmmm . . .  don't like much admitting that to myself.  i also think i'm very angry at my husbands.  that came out of nowhere.  stream of consciousness writing.

Wow san! That's very positive for a New Year's post. :cheer:

You have made a difference in the world, several ways :yourock:  :yahoo:

San! I love it! Yes! You have lived a life. A full, real life. Full of meaning and love, pain, betrayal by others, but all this too. It has been a full life. And more than that you are now eyes wide open seeing ALL of it. Not running, not hiding, just experiencing the fullness of it now that you have paused. And you should be very proud of what you have done. Including here.  :grouphug:

thanks, blueberry - you brought a big smile to my morning!  love it! :hug:

thank you, armee, for all that validation.  still smiling!  :hug:

i guess my new project, now that i'm thinking of it, is this 97-yr. old woman who was once a great friend of my parents.  her H helped me get my first real job and i've known her most of my life.  i've been exchanging letters with her for many years, and now that we're basically in the same place, i can call and chat.  she once wrote that when she moved in w/ her D, she moved away from a lot of her friends, and she doesn't drive, so it got more difficult for them to have lunch together and such.

so, i've visited w/ her since i've been here, talked on the phone a couple times, but i think i want to make that a more regular thing, and go visit her every so often, maybe once a month.  i think that'll be good for both of us.  i may not be able to take to the streets for a good cause anymore, but i think i can commit to a senior citizen.  it feels good writing that down, even tho i could feel a little trepidation as i wrote it.  i really don't want to say i'll do something like this and not follow thru.  but it feels good at the same time. 

so, that's my plan going forward.  is that a new year's resolution?  no, just a plan.  i've also got it set in my mind to make 2 phone calls this month, one to the library to see if they'd consider an author's nite like my D did on the coast.  the other is to the office here to see if they have some of the same amenities we had in the other place we lived. and i've jumped back on the bandwagon of getting some movement going in my life.  too anxious to walk outside right now, but i can do some stairs and hallways in the building.  at least it's something.  plus, i did a little bit of weights yesterday, and that felt good as well.

so, seems like a full plate when i think of it.  i like it.  dang, sometimes i can't believe myself.  but it feels good, all of it.  onward . . .

 :fireworks:

I resonate with what you say about making a plan and feeling unease about carrying it out.  I'm currently in this place of honoring my limits but wondering if I place limits on myself too.  I hope that you find a routine that works for you staying connected with this person.

thanks, chart, for the effervescent support!  :hug:

rainy, thanks for your response.  hard to tell, isn't it sometimes, what's been put on us and what we put on ourselves.  :hug:

phone calls to make today, at least 2 of them.  one is to my little lady - she's so sweet.

have been feeling good for about a week.  as good as that feels, it's also kind of mind-boggling.  i don't want to be in the mindset of waiting for the other shoe to drop.  never have been before, but i've heard it so often that it kinda got in my mind.  i am grateful to have this day, tho. and to have all of you in my corner.  guess i'll just ride this wave as long as i can. :boogie:

Really glad you're feeling good, San. I'm definitely staying in your corner!
Hugs!

Wave "hi" for me to the world from the top of that wave and yes! Ride it as long as you can sister!

It's a very sweet project you've picked San. Your sweet friend probably needs that more than you know.

Good for you San! Glad to hear you're feeling well.  :woohoo:

thank you, dear friends - chart, armee, and DF.  you all made me smile this morning.

i don't know if this is an age thing, or what, but my sleeping patterns have changed (gee, now that i think of it, i'm off meds for sleeping).  i don't know, either, if it's related to restless leg syndrome, either.  anyway, i go to sleep, sleep for 3 or 4 hrs. wake up to pee, read myself back to sleep (reading has done wonders for keeping my mind occupied and away from nasty thoughts) for another 1 1/2 to 2 hrs., wake up again, same routine, go back to sleep for another 2 hrs. or so.

having disturbed sleep is not the best, i know.  i just don't know how much if at all this might be detrimental to my mental/physical health.  i often fall asleep for an hour in my rocking chair during the day as well, and i've looked at that.  seems that whether i sleep during the day or not, the pattern during the night is the same.

maybe it's not something to worry about, as long as i'm feeling ok.  i can't afford a sleep apnea study, and i've been told my snoring is something fierce.  i don't know.  just wanted to write it out.  i do some eye movements usually before i go to bed telling myself it's ok to relax, it's ok to sleep, it's ok to sleep thru the night.  maybe, eventually, my brain will catch onto that and hold it.  fingers crossed.

Hi San, I'm no expert but what I read about sleeping is that it's normal to have sleep cycles that last appr. 1 1/2 hrs, wake up a little bit, and fall asleep again for the next cycle. And the cycles in the earlier parts of the night have deeper sleeping patterns, evolving to lighter sleeping patterns (and easier waking up) towards the latter parts of the night. So on the surface of it, your sleeping pattern sounds normal enough to me.

 :zzz:

I agree with DF. My (limited) knowledge nonetheless indicates that so long as there is real "rest", the cycles can be of different lengths and frequencies. The final word is of course how you feel and your energy levels throughout the day. Everybody's different and our patterns change over our life-span. But I'd say if you feel okay then things are probably working the way they need to.

thank you so much DF and chart - i appreciate it so much, your input and reassurance.  i felt better just reading what you both wrote.   :hug:   :hug:

I identify very closely with the sleep pattern you described..I got a nights sleep not long ago and I felt like a new person. It was fleeting..

i hear ya, phoebes.  when i even get 5 hrs. of sleep in a row, it feels so different.  thanks for your input. :hug:

well, i crashed yesterday.  felt terrible, still do today.  yesterday was what i call a gas attack - my body cavity sometimes fills up w/ gas, which pushes on everything inside and causes me terrible pain.  couldn't help my D put groceries away.  took some pepto, and that helped make it go away faster - these 'attacks' often last more than an hour.

the fires in calif. are breaking my heart.  i spent a while crying for everyone there - i had to evacuate due to fires raging nearby, but thankfully they didn't hit where we were living (and i don't have a house of my own, either).  i suspect the tears were triggered by the enormity of what's happening there, but in reality were for my D and what's happening w/ her.

she found out yesterday that a month after her surgery, she will be going thru 3 weeks/15 days of radiation treatment, which will make her even more tired than she already is.  she's gotten started on a new round of trying to get disability cuz her other quest for it ran it's course and was denied over and over.  there are times when she's nearly fallen asleep while she was driving for her delivery job, which she only can stay with for about 2-2 1/2 hrs./day anyway - can't make nearly enough money to pay her portion of the bills, let alone support herself.

so, the worry/anxiety crept in yesterday full force about paying our monthly bills once again.  we do have some money people have given us for moving in, but we've saved it, and this is where it will go.  don't know how much we have in total, but i know it's not enough for a month's worth of bills.  ugh!  i was hoping to be done w/ this particular anxiety, but i guess not.

so, as much as i loved feeling pretty good for that couple weeks, it's gone now.  and my galpal's car accident which happened while i was on the phone w/ her shook me pretty badly.  made me question my ability to drive once again.  ugh ugh!!!

 :hug:

Oh San. It's too too too much. I somehow missed that your galpal was in a car accident while she talked to you.  :'( is she and her car OK?

Is there a social worker at least at the cancer treatment center to help navigate the disability request this time?

thanks for the validation, armee.  it really is too too too much.  she's ok, her car is totaled. one attorney told my D that, because of her age - 43 - she's young, so the disability people don't look at cancer stuff very closely.  apparently they figure being younger means you can deal with it more easily. *sigh* :hug:

the stress goes on.  i'm eating way out of control, feeling crummy in general.  i ranted to my galpal the other day, just let all the frustration out about how i've been living the past several years, very poor - she had no way to know, has no way to relate.  it just all came out.

she is determined to come to the hospital when my D has her surgery.  when she first told me that, i broke down in tears.  she didn't know what to do w/ that.  i told her i hadn't really had a lot of people be there for me, and i was overwhelmed w/ gratitude.  since her car is now wrecked, she's told me she's going to uber to the hospital.  i'm just letting her.  it's like i don't have the strength to argue against it.

this morning, lying in bed, i couldn't stand it anymore.  got my walking shoes on and went out into the cold - i've been too anxious about that lately to go out, even - and just walked for about 10 min. as fast as i could, walking all the crapola out of my system.  it was cold, my face is still cold, but it was as if i was sick of being wimpy.  that's kind of how i've done w/ things all along.  stay down, stay down, stay down, don't want it like that any more, and get up.  i'm glad i did.

dear San, you're not being whimpy. You are such a brave person facing all these really difficult circumstances. It is too much sometimes. It's okay to feel this way.

I just want to let you know I appreciate your lovely comments and you're such a dear friend to me in the midst of your own troubles, thank you for that.

 :hug:

(I'm not feeling so great myself, never mind that, I just wanted to add that my goal is to at least go outside and take a walk every day and it IS really helpful to me too.)

thank you, DF, for your kind words. i appreciate you, too.  :hug:

all ready to walk this morning, but it snowed during the night.  not gonna walk on snow - too big a risk for me - and wearing boots instead of my walking shoes for a 10-min. walk does my back no good.  guess i'll do some stairs and hallways in the building.  i almost didn't think of that.  dang, i get a mindset, and other avenues to arriving at the same place just close down.

feeling quite bogged down this morning, tho, mentally and emotionally.  looked up some state assistance programs, but i don't think they'll fly. we have no young children here, and our heat is paid by the apt. complex, so we're not in dire need.  i just wish there were some way i could further help my D.

terrible anxiety all day yesterday, possibly an EF?  not sure, but i ended up on meds all day and to get some sleep last nite, which helped a lot.  showered and clean this morning, which is a good thing. 

the money situation has come into play again - what my D has been doing here just is not working, so she's going to look into another delivery system.  i don't know what we're going to do for a month when she won't be able to work at all.  frickin' scared once again.  i hate admitting that, cuz it sends not so good messages thru-out my system.  and what's happening in the world isn't helping.  sometimes i wish it would all go away, leave me along, just be regular so we can pay our rent and other bills.  we don't ask for much . . .

Dear SanMagic,
I hope that your EF is maybe over by now.  I know you had terrible anxiety yesterday, and I really hope you're feeling some relief today.  Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope

thank you, hope.  you warmed my heart. :hug:

am overwhelmed once again.  my D was sick all day yesterday, which does not help me feel better.  so very worried about her.  she's going thru too much and it's taking its toll.  3 mistakes in those sentences, i can't coordinate my fingers, my brain isn't working well.  will stop now.

 :hug:  to you SanMagic, and to your daughter too.  I am sorry to hear she was sick all day yesterday, I really hope she feels a bit better today - and I know you're very worried about her.  SanMagic, I hope you can get some rest and do something that will help you feel more relaxed and wishing you the best.   :hug:

Thinking of you and your daughter, San. You have so much going on, I hope you can find some peace and relaxation with your daughter and that she feels a lot better soon. Wishing her lots of healing.  :hug:

hope, i so appreciate your kind and caring words and thoughts.  i know they come from your heart.  thank you. :hug:

phoebes, thank you so much for your care and concern.  she's feeling a bit better today, but i have a feeling it's going to be a slow recovery for her.  you're right, it's all a lot.  :hug:

took meds so i could get some sleep last nite, woke up this morning and started crying over what's already going on w/ our new administration.  it feels like there's a dark hole over our country, and it's distressing to me. i think i have to stop looking at the news.  it's too much to put on top of everything else that's going on with me and my D.  ugh!

 :bighug:  :bighug:

thank you for those big hugs, blueberry.  much needed right now. :hug:

on the verge of tears as we speak.  yesterday was the anniversary of going NC w/ D1.  i don't even remember exactly how long it's been, something like 10 years.  the hole in my heart never goes away, never heals.  this, on top of everything else - no wonder i'm feeling sick.

Losing a child is terrible. No matter the circumstances. I just thought of my eldest daughter in the garage, while I was working... She used to say, "Funny faces" when she was little, which had a special meaning for her which I now forget exactly what it was... I'd forgotten all that. My youngest daughter showed me a picture of my eldest from this past Christmas. She's dyed her hair blonde... and is the spitting image of me at that same age. Beyond that I sensed a more profound calmness in her image which I hadn't seen in awhile. Perhaps my imagination... No matter what they did and continue to do, we cannot help but still love them. I feel your sadness deeply, San.
 :hug:

thanks for the support, chart :hug:

been sick, stomach flu, stress flu, still not fully back, but too many things to do, getting ready for the surgery next week.

 :hug:

thank you for the hugs, hope.  love 'em!  :hug:

heading to the healing porch till the surgery is over.  don't have the energy or mind to post right now. :fallingbricks:

hoping the surgery goes well....

big hugs San!  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

thanks, larry.  it did. :hug:

thank you for those hugs, DF.   :hug:

surgery went well, everything before it was * for my D so i'm glad she's thru it.  now to recover, mend.

I'm so glad to hear her surgery went well, San. I'm glad that big hurdle is past and healing can begin. Sending you all the things you love that bring comfort. :hug:

thank you, phoebes, so much.  i think one of the biggest things that could happen is nothing out of the ordinary.  i'm so tired from dealing w/ crisis after crisis, stress upon stress.  to just have a boring life for a while would be extraordinarily positive! :hug:

Yes! :hug:

Sending you and your D loads of good wishes, I hope she heals well. You're so brave going through all of this.  :hug:

phoebes, you brought a smile to my face with that !  thanks so much! :hug:

thank you, DF.  i never thought of myself as brave, actually.  just had to get thru it.  i had lots of help, so thanks to everyone for that. :hug:

first day of recovery is over and went well.  i'm feeling old, tho.  i'm bowed over, can't walk upright anymore, had to carry the cat litter inside and i could barely make it from the door to my D's room.  my body is sore from sitting in uncomfortable chairs, walking back and forth thru hallways w/o my walking shoes on for the day.  bending over to clean the litter yesterday also nearly did me in and i had to sit for several minutes afterward.  dang!  i got totally old in one day!

my D said she began feeling a little sick yesterday, said hardly anyone in the hospital was wearing a mask and she had people touching her all day, so she's afraid she brought something home w/ her.  dang, i hope not!  we've been sick more often in the past 8 mos. since we moved here than we had in the past 8 years!  actually, for 8 years we didn't have one sick day between us.  now that we've been seeing people, going out a little more, illness has been everywhere!  did not expect this, do not like this one bit.  i hope she's ok today.

sick, now.  will this freakin' nightmare ever end?

San, Yes, it will end. Everything changes, just a question of when. Too, often when we change environments our immune systems need time to "adjust". I think big changes can stress the immune system and it can take time (months, and even longer) for your systems to settle into place. Things will get better, promise!
 :hug:

as long as you promise, chart, i'll believe you!  thank you for that. :hug:

and chart was right, i'm not so sick now.  both my D and i believe it was a reaction to having all the crisis over with, and one of her friends told her she thought we were exhausted and that was our bodies' reactions.  probably. 

at any rate, so grateful for all the help we're getting.  it's truly a godsend.  and the support from everyone here.  thank you to all of you!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 10, 2025, 01:05:20 PMthat was our bodies' reactions

very likely

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Keep taking care  :hug:

thanks for the validation, DF. :hug:

down yesterday, still feeling crappy today.  ugh.  i hear the phrase 'i'm so over this' from people in a stressful situation, but it confuses me cuz they're still in it, from what i can see, still hurting.  for me, i wish i was over this.

took meds last nite, was able to sleep much better, and what a difference in how i feel this morning.  dang.  looks like i may need to see a doc eventually just to be able to get more meds.  of course, all that's been going on in the past year, it's becoming clearer to me why i'm so out of whack.  hopefully, i'll somehow be able to get to some semblance of normal eventually.  dang, that would be really good.

lovely snow outside today.  it's so pretty.  i realized i haven't been in bunches of snow and cold weather for nearly 25 yrs.  that's weird to me to realize.  but, my body's temperature gauge is so outta whack, too, and i don't really know if that will fix itself or not.  don't know if it's connected to stress.  in mexico, our a/c was set to 77 and that's the temp i slept in.  now, it's below freezing, i have my window cracked, and i often feel warm/sweaty when i sleep.  so many changes . . .

unfortunately, i'm relying on meds again for sleep.  not as much as i used to use, but still, more than nothing.  i keep telling myself it's not forever, and that's what's helping me use them.  mother's little helpers, in a way.

i found a guided relaxation on youtube that's 7 min. long, focuses mostly on breathing, but has lovely pictures.  it was fine, but i think i want something longer.  i need it to be guided w/ someone's words cuz otherwise my mind starts running all over the place, and that's quite disruptive.  no relaxation to be had, and actually stirs me up more than when i started.  so, i'll keep looking.

otherwise, i've been sick, just kind of out of it, feeling not so good.  i wonder if this is my new normal?  i hate to think so. 

No San, I don't believe this is your "new normal". It's Cptsd and it keeps twisting around on you like a snake trying to bite the hand grasping it's tail. Keep working on the relaxation, I think that's a really good thing to be doing at the moment.
 :hug:

I'm sorry San, that you're not well.
Go easy on yourself. It's not forever.  :hug:

thanks, chart, for your words of comfort. it's nice. :hug:

thanks, DF.  i hope not, but it's been actually decades already, so that's what makes me think this will not change. too old, not enough years left.  :hug:

writing that i'm 'too old' kinda brought a smile to my face.  i don't mind being old, and the thought came up as i wrote that 'cuz that means there's not a whole lot of years of this left'.  bleak.  it's worn me down to that point.
there is not a day that i wake up feeling refreshed, ready to greet the day, look forward to visiting someone i love, doing something i love.  even the last thing i did, which i so wanted to do (movie 'a complete unknown' have been a dylan fan since the 60's) i'm so glad i did it, but honestly, if i couldn't have it would've been ok.

this morning, too, my galpal called to cancel my visiting her today cuz she didn't feel well.  she came to be w/ me a the hospital for my D's surgery, she and i always have a good time, haven't seen her since, but i'm so ok w/ staying home, reading, resting.  my energy level is so low now, it's an effort to do anything, even something i enjoy.

downer, i know.  even on meds, i'm not sleeping like i'd like.  i may ignore them tonite, see if there's any difference.  i'm just not getting restful sleep, and i've been thru this a lot of my adult life for one reason or another.  i probably 'should' see a doc, but i'm putting that off cuz of $$.  so, i'm just stuck, just blattin' it out here.  my main thing is to stay viable for my D.  she's still got a long row to hoe.

does anyone know what kind of difference to the system there is when you stop eating meat?  except for a little chicken one nite, and fish, i've not had meat/sausage of any kind for at least a week, and hardly any the week before.  i remember my old T telling me that dropping meat from the diet can have a huge impact on your system. that thought just came to mind.

Hey San, I do understand how you would feel that way, I am sorry. I wouldn't exactly call myself 'old' but I do get how you've been feeling for such a long time already. It's hard. But I do think and hope that things will get a teensy tiny bit better some day. If only to enjoy a hot cup of tea or some other small thing. Just moments. I'm making good wishes for you anyhow and thinking of you. Big hugs dear.  :hug:

thanks for that, DF.  i'll take your hope and good thoughts, too.  :hug:

well, i looked up what getting off meat does for/to the body, and once again, i'm feeling the downside of doing something good for myself.  lowering inflammation was a biggie, and i do need that, so i'll stay off the stuff for the most part.  but it also included having flu-like symptoms, headaches, sleep disturbance, bathroom issues.  granted, this is supposed to dissipate in a few weeks to a few months as my body gets re-oriented, but, as if i don't feel crappy enough, i'm just adding more crappiness to my life for a while.

because of the long-term results is why i continue to do things where i have a neg. reaction (someone asked why i'd do a somatic releasing when i was overwhelmed w/ what happened - same reason.  i know in some way, shape, or form it's good for me).  this, too.  so, i'm just *still* gonna feel like crapola for a while.  meat withdrawal!  like i haven't had enough withdrawals in my life - alc., drugs, cigs, meds, now meat.  dang!  better late than never, i suppose, but honestly, . . .

San, meat can cause inflammation? That's a new one to me. I'm so far from being an expert, but I have been experimenting with the Keto diet and I've noticed reduced depression. And this has been supported over time (mainly through backsliding and binging on sugar and carbs) and subsequently replunging into severe depression. So there seems to be a link (at least for me). I also have an inguinale hernia. It's incredible how fast it reacts to me eating sugar. I feel it almost instantly. So for me, sugar and carbs are my enemies. For meat, I think all meats are different. Certainly fish is clearly excellent for health in all respects. Chicken causes inflammation? I've never heard that. Beef is high in the "bad fats/oils" so maybe it's to be reduced. But for me, a good lean burger is better than a bowl of pasta, at least from the Keto perspective. Again I'm absolutely NOT an expert in this area, just poking around exploring.

hey, chart, yeah, keto is the opposite of getting off meat.  good luck on your journey w/ that. mine's working out better, altho i had a true meat craving the other day.  ah well, this, too, shall pass.  thanks for your input. :hug:

so, getting along better w/o meat the past couple days, altho as i said above, i had a real craving for a pizza w/ the works the other day.  from what i read, one of the biggest disadvantages to going w/o meat (red meat especially) is the lack of vit. B12.  i do take a B-complex tablet, so that's been covered for me for some time.

this morning, 6 hrs. of sleep, which is better than it has been, only 1/2 med last nite, but i don't feel so groggy this morning, which is nice.  hopefully, this keeps up.  i also found a youtube video of brown noise, which i've been playing the past few nites.  sposed to be relaxing and helpful for deep sleep.  i don't think it's hurt me, so i'll keep it up.  i've listened to other colored noises but some of them made me anxious.  weird how that works.

hoping to just stay even for a while.  rest, relax.  it's been so wonderful being part of the library again, reading or re-reading books i haven't had access to for so long.  i always was a reader, i believe it was my escape when i was a little girl.  i'd get so immersed in a book, it would take people calling me 2 or 3 times before i'd actually hear them.  it was a good way to disappear from expectations and other realities.

i don't quite know what to do w/ this. my galpal has offered to pay our rent increase cuz she doesn't want me to have to move again.  she told me about filing for bankruptcy not too long ago, how embarrassing it was, and now i'm feeling embarrassed cuz she's giving me money every month, and i don't know what to do w/ this feeling. it might even be more than embarrassment - humiliation, maybe?  don't know how to process this, never felt it in real time before.  it's hurting my stomach.

Yes, that's a hard one San. But although we were brought up thinking we need to do everything by ourselves and we're bad people when we need anything (I'm thinking maybe thoughts like this are causing the stomach ache, not the actual offer), this is actually not true. We all need help once in a while. We're all connected and we shouldn't have to be alone in any of this. I hope this helps. If not, please disregard it. Sending you big hugs. :hug:

actually, DF, it did help.  thank you a lot for that.  i realized shame was in there as well, that i'm at a point in my life where i can't actually afford to sustain myself financially, and i 'should' have better prepared for this.  the other voice tells me i've had an inordinate amount of stress, trauma, and illness to contend with and i've done the best i could.  it's a toss-up which voice is louder on which day.  ugh! :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 05, 2025, 09:01:32 PMthe other voice tells me i've had an inordinate amount of stress, trauma, and illness to contend with and i've done the best i could.

I agree with this voice for you! :grouphug:

thank you so much, blueberry, for that 'nudge' i needed in the healthier direction.  i'm so grateful to you for saying this.  such validation brought a smile to my heart this morning. :hug:

i am going to push this voice forward in order to drown out the other voice.  blueberry gave it the first push, so i'm on it now. 

feeling more relaxed lately, which is nice. a tingle of concern about this cuz my D may have to decide to go w/ chemo after all, and selfishly, i'm not looking forward to that (let alone what it'll cost her!  she already lost half her hair 2 yrs. ago due to anxiety, and it's just grown out now, and it was devastating for her) cuz i already know i'm not a good nurse-type, never have been, at least not for more than 3 days, and i'm sure this will be longer than that. 

we discussed it somewhat last nite, and i told her i'd be there for her, would take care of her, and i will, but i know me, at least where this is concerned.  she'll be talking to the oncologist on tues. and make her decision.  she won't be able to work, and the money stuff comes up again.  dang!  and i can feel the pressure rising as i write.

still not doing meat, except fish.  i think things are evening out, tho, for the most part.  still some 'hiccups' in the bathroom, but i would expect that. not so bad overall, and i do feel better mentally/psychologically for doing this.  i got sick of seeing how these animals are treated, what we're getting besides meat from them.  it's time, i guess.

sleep is still not ok.  couldn't fall asleep till about 4 this morning, woke up at 6 w/ the birds, feel back asleep till 8, but i feel kind of sick-y and i know it's because my system is agitated becuz of not enough sleep.  will keep working on it.

things are ok w/ my D right now.  lots of stress around her medical stuff, tho.  dang, i don't think i can still fully consciously believe she's going thru this. 

during the night, as i was trying to fall asleep, it occurred to me to cry, that i have (still!) lots to cry about.  before i let any tears go, tho, a flash of me as a teen, then a little girl came to mind, and i thought i could cry being her.  then i thought, how far back does this go? and i pictured myself as a baby, not being nurtured enough - i know my mom was big on babies, but i remember how people would say things about not picking babies up when they cry cuz it will 'spoil' them.  don't know how much of that was in my house, but back then it was a very common thing to hear.  i don't think i was spoiled, but i do think there are still a lot of tears inside even from that time in my life, left to soothe and comfort myself on my own.  i can feel that in the pit of my chest.