Trigger warning: Child abuse
Hi, I'm a new member of this forum. I actually didn't know this place until a few days ago, but as soon as I found out I decided to join.
First, I apologize in case there are grammatical errors because English is not my first language.
I have been thinking for some time that I want to talk to someone about my trauma.
Many years ago I had decided to see a psychologist because anger, anxiety and pain were destroying me.
As a child I was abused for some time by someone very close to me, and this literally ruined my life.
I didn't tell anyone for many years, but then I decided to open up to a professional.
The thing is, that therapy lasted too short a time, and maybe I wasn't ready to really deal with it yet.
I realize that many of my problems stem from that very trauma, and there are things that I still can't accept, I think. It's as if I see that child as a third person, it's as if it wasn't really me.
Rationally I know it was me, but it's like I see her as a different child from me.
I study psychology so I know a lot about trauma and I know that this is "normal" too, but it's hard to rationalize.
Trauma in childhood can really ruin someone. It's the time when the personality develops and a severe trauma can undermine that. I know that was the case and it destroys me because it's like I wasn't supposed to be me.
It's so hard to explain, but especially in the last few years I think of the past as if I had experienced a bereavement. It's as if "the real me" died and I took over later, I was only born after the child me died.
I often wonder what I would be like if none of this had happened, but I can't give myself an answer and I know no one can.
A year ago I had the courage to tell my best friend after such a long time and currently she is the only person who knows. I would like to go to a psychotherapist but currently I don't have the money to do so.
I would like to use this forum to discuss with people who have experienced similar things so that I can feel less alone.
For years, since I was a young girl, I have suffered from anxiety problems. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder but I think I have a lot more that I'm not aware of.
I don't know if I suffer from CPTSD, although I have suspected it for a long time.
I suffer from symptoms such as excessive anger, irritability, derealization, for the past few years even sleep paralysis but somehow I manage to live with it. There are situations that trigger me of course and I realize only in those moments how much fear I still feel. I think my brain has decided to react with anger mainly just as protection, almost to make me think I'm in control. I avoid every person or situation that could make me feel uncomfortable.
Obviously this has led me to have relationship problems and fear (but also a kind of anger) of men in general. I feel wrong all my life, as if I have no real identity. I feel excluded from the rest of the world, as if I'm standing still and others are moving.
Sometimes I think I'm destined to feel this way forever, but I hope I'm wrong.
I wish I could let go, but for real this time. I would like to live this kind of mourning and let go of that child, accepting what happened to her
Welcome. I am sorry you had to go through that and glad you felt able to tell your friend. It is good to have support with these things, especially if you are not able to access therapy right now.
Quote from: Black cat on April 16, 2025, 12:35:59 AMI would like to use this forum to discuss with people who have experienced similar things so that I can feel less alone.
That's one big reason we're here Black Cat, we all need one another to share our stories safely, talk about ways of recovering and just feel like we belong somewhere since so many of us feel like we don't belong anywhere.
The other reason is trying to find out who we are since many of us don't know because of the Complex Relational Trauma we endured. The abuse or neglect is a direct attack on our inner selves, most often when we are very young that means child us must hide deep inside. We don't really have a chance to discover ourselves because we're so focused externally, on those hurting us that all our energy must be given over to surviving. The majority of us, like you, lost our childhoods and we need to grieve that.
I hope at some point you will comfortable enough to do that here. :grouphug: