What has been your experience on telling others that you have PTSD or C-PTSD? I have gotten reactions of laughing to , snickers, to some asking me if I'm being truthful. It's hurts when people react that way. I think most think if you have been a combat veteran that PTSD can not possibly be experienced by a civilian. I am a veteran, but did not spend anytime in combat. I'm thinking it's best to just keep this to myself and just say I have depression, something they may understand.
I try not to mention it at all because I just don't want to have to deal with all that invalidation from ignorant people. Interestingly to me, I once told a combat veteran (and PTSD sufferer) and she was very supportive.
I guess it really depends on the level of education about the topic. But when you say depression, they look at you like "aren't you over that yet?" Soooooooo my advice, for myself included, is just keep it to yourself. Not like we haven't been doing that for years anyway, eh?
When I've tried to reach out or describe this, the usual reactions run along lines of "we-don't-want-to-know-or-go-there." You're treated as being weak, stupid, or negative. Another barely disguised put-down goes "oh but you seem pretty together". They might as well add, "we thought you were one of us," setting you up for a round of knowing looks as they shuffle you down to the next category of desirability.
Recently a person I sincerely trusted blew it all back at me. I guess the good news is I wasn't devastated, just very hurt. But it has again shot my instinct to want to trust, something I've tried so hard for. I get the message that I should reach out more, and it always seems to shatter anyway.
Mostly I just learn to hush up. I'm already used to being lonely, nothing new there. Just so awfully disappointing, another closed loop of hurt. What's the point of reaching out when something important to you is considered taboo?
It just sucks that on top of that, the only person you feel "allowed" to discuss it with is someone called a therapist or counselor, and you have to pay them to listen, let alone understand.
I've not told anybody (I think) that I suspect CPTSD might be involved with my 'problems'. I once mentioned it to the Psych that took the SCID-II test (on me having a PD or not), and she didn't even know what Cptsd was. I don't blame her by the way, her speciality was anxiety-related treatments. I can't expect my dentist to know anything about my digestive tract either.
And CPTSD is a relative new 'phenomenon' as well, as far as I have understood.
But in a similar vein as you describe, I have met with unbelief about my mom's (and sis's) uHPD, the divorce of my parents at the ripe age of their pensioning, my 'burn-out', my depression or even my mourning over my job-loss due to newly implemented 'standards' which meant that as the autodidact that I am I had to get a Masters-degree (!) in order to even be allowed to keep doing what I did.
So, I've come to the conclusion that it simply is a very basic human trait to avoid sensitive issues like those I mentioned.
And to be honest: I know I do it myself as well. It does depend on the friendship, the closeness, the duration etc. If I look back now on my life (I'm around 50), I know of quite a few instances where I avoided people with drugs-misuse/addictions, eating disorders, gender-issues, religious fanatics (a Jesus reincarnate with a disciple), school dropouts...
On the other hand I've supported much closer friends with: alcoholism, marital problems, extra-marital affairs, relationship break-ups, depression, bi-polarity, homelessness, job loss, death of parents, financial mishap etc...
And mind you, some of the latter group didn't return the favor when I had my issues...
And then a stranger/vague acquaintance turns up who suddenly is all ears and support.
It's a strange world.
But yeah, it's always a disappointment to get the reactions you described. And especially when it's closet or open ridicule, that's so hard to take.
So I'm always careful who and when to say what, as the disillusion is always just a small step away. And now and then I'm pleasantly surprised, and I get help from unexpected 'resources'.
I couldn't have come this far without them.
Oh, and I wanted to add:
Sometimes I'm simply to 'busy' with my own issues, I simply can't take in anyone else's 'issues'. And I mean that's not even a conscious decision (meaning it's not a deliberate, well thought out equation that brings me to that 'resolve') , but a subconscious one (I think). My processor is already working overtime, I simply can't process more.
I don't think I laugh at people at those times though, or ridicule them.
And I know (well: think) for sure that the inability of my friends to offer support when my parents divorced at such a late age, was due to the fact that my parents refused to talk about it with me (nor their other children) so I was completely in the dark about it all, so what COULD I tell my friends? Nothing, since I didn't know anything myself. So what could they have helped me with? I was clueless myself. *, I couldn't even talk with my siblings about it, only about the fact that we were so horribly left out... Now that is a subject with a quick expire date...
I told a cousin who revealed to me that her F had molested her as a child, thinking I would be safe and well received. Not so much! She loves my covert NPDM and since telling her I have not heard much if anything from her although I know my M has. She is one of my M's "good" or honorary daughters (my M has several), so I guess she does not want to give up her place in the Flying Monkey cadre. Blah :pissed:
I suspect we're one of the remaining few populations that are still pretty much in the closet so to speak. Maybe we need a celebrity poster child. I've been watching "I am Cait" which is about Bruce Jenner transitioning from male to female, and the power of a well known person going through something big like that to raise awareness is tremendous.
We are a closet group and we share what we are comfortable with sharing. It's easier to talk to strangers than it is friends and family for many reason I expect. 1. Who are the strangers go to tell about you, that matters. 2. many have traveled a similar road and understand. 3. We all are looking for answers and I don't think that ever stops. My GP was so concerned when I told her that I didn't talk to friends and family about what was going on with me.
She also asked the question would I call F or F if I were in crisis (suicidal) and I said no. She teared up and called my T, who talked to me and understood what I was saying. What made the GP ask this is our prior conversation was about how many suicides I have seen or been a part of in some way due to my jobs. All of them took a little piece of me. I felt bad for the person that made that choice, but until I was on the otherside, I had not idea what kind of impact it had on the ones left behind. I know now. If there was anything good that came out of that, it's that understanding I now have for the ones left behind. Not something I would wish on anyone.
Quote from: Kizzie on August 07, 2015, 11:05:53 PM
I suspect we're one of the remaining few populations that are still pretty much in the closet so to speak.
I agree.
The first family member I went deliberately LC with was my sister. MC didn't help much in that period, and after she blatantly blackmailed me ('upped the ante', so to speak) she became the first (and so far only) one I went NC with. I told the rest of the FOO I did so (As a statement, no JADE-ing (apart from the message I did so because she had blackmailed me)). She firmly wanted to keep me in the closet. I even thought of it in those terms, partly inspired by the knowledge she had come out of the closet as gay. (Which was a huge Drama that my uHPD mom dwelled on for years on end, but that's another story altogether. I think I already wrote on that, but it could be that was on OOTF). I did see the irony that she had 'the right to be gay' (and rightfully so!), but I had no right to be me. :thumbdown:
I usually just say PTSD if anyone asks, but normally I don't say anything unless they ask. Very often (practically always, in fact) the next question is, 'What happened to you?'
I don't mind them asking, because at least it shows that people recognise this as an injury rather than something intrinsic, but I never tell them the answer. (I don't know myself, so I can't!) I usually say, 'It is very complicated, and it was a long time ago.'
If I said it was more about what did not happen I don't think anyone would understand unless they had been there.
There are a very few people who know I have DID, but not many. I am not ashamed of it, but the understanding of this condition is so low that I think it would frighten people too much if I tried to explain. So I don't.
I've told a few close friends, but mostly I don't talk about it.
I told my adult daughter, who didn't understand at all. Whenever I mention anything, she changes the subject. I just don't talk to her about it anymore, but we were always close and now there is this huge barrier. Our conversations have become mostly superficial. Her dad committed suicide, and I think she depends on me to be the 'stable' parent, so she feels threatened.
Well you can talk to us here if you need to. Do whatever it takes to make your daughter feel safe.
this is an interesting thread. i told my GP that i think that is what i have, and he agrees but also agrees that i don't want it on my medical notes, where he just leaves it as 'depression'.
in the medical/therapeutic community it still a problematic 'diagnosis' and will remain so, i think, even here in the UK, till the DSM finally decides it warrants individual diagnotic 'status'. that will be at least another few years seeing as how they bottled out of including it in this year's due to 'lack of research'... lots of us got quite angry about that. :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
if i say anything to people i generally say 'ptsd' and that's enuf frankly, to put off most further enquiries. we Brits are still not so good at 'intruding' about potentially embarrassing private things.
it seems to me that despite all the social changes of the last few centuries, humans are still basically tribal creatures. i still reckon that we, like many people who suffer with mental health, are a minority group, a sub-culture, in the same way that my husband's physical disability put our family firmly into the disabled subculture. becos ultimately we are different, we struggle with things most others take for granted. becos we see life differently. becos of all sorts of reasons. we are in so many respects, 'Other'. we are different from the rest of the Tribe. which makes for uncomfortable social interaction with us.
Quote from: arpy1 on September 11, 2015, 09:25:27 AM
it seems to me that despite all the social changes of the last few centuries, humans are still basically tribal creatures. i still reckon that we, like many people who suffer with mental health, are a minority group, a sub-culture, in the same way that my husband's physical disability put our family firmly into the disabled subculture. becos ultimately we are different, we struggle with things most others take for granted. becos we see life differently. becos of all sorts of reasons. we are in so many respects, 'Other'. we are different from the rest of the Tribe. which makes for uncomfortable social interaction with us.
yes, I agree.
For me, the way I was raised to feel, being different from the "norm" is a source of shame. Of course, I don't believe the shame is deserved. So for me, digging out from that shame is something I have to keep working at.
Actually, being part of a sub-culture, being here on this site, is a big step forward. Because previously in my mind I was a sub-culture of one, totally alone in a sea of "normies" and closeted "others".
I only told one person who is a vet. I am not a vet, but it occured to me that someone like him would understand me without a lot of explanations. I was right.
Other people, no. Not worth it.
This question is such a judgment call -- or maybe more accurately a crap shoot. And it's obviously linked to what one is willing to say about the source of the trauma, which is in turn linked to what others might know anyway.
I've recently had reason to tell two friends/professional colleagues, and the support has been terrific, beyond what I might have hoped. Yet in the past, others have turned on me for "blaming" my mother instead of explaining away her behavior as a result of her own oppression.
My only take-away has been to try to choose confidants carefully. I have little reason to disclose CPTSD, except to a few close friends who are genuinely interested. More often, I've been challenged to navigate around questions related to family or childhood, as another thread has discussed.
Agree.
Quote from: Cocobird on September 11, 2015, 02:40:02 AM
I told my adult daughter, who didn't understand at all. Whenever I mention anything, she changes the subject. I just don't talk to her about it anymore, but we were always close and now there is this huge barrier. Our conversations have become mostly superficial. Her dad committed suicide, and I think she depends on me to be the 'stable' parent, so she feels threatened.
Interesting Cocobird, my 24 year old son was just home for two weeks and I tried to test the waters by showing him this site. He thought it was interesting, but did not take it any further. My H and I talked about it afterward and we came to the conclusion that he is not quite ready to see us as anything but his parents yet. He still see's us as his reliable, stable mother and father and isn't ready to think about the fact that we are humans and have problems.
I was a bit bummed but at the same time I'd rather not have him become uncomfortable around me as has happened with your daughter. And I'm so sorry to hear that is the case :hug: Would she respond if you told her up front she can put this matter aside until she is ready to talk about it, that you are recovering and don't want it to come between you?
"All things in their proper time"
Agree that, at least for me, it is just best to stay in the closet about having CPTSD :sadno:. Only my T, Pscyh, one colleague, the people in group therapy (no last names shared) and my husband know that I am not the stable, strong person I appear to be. And, I really wish my husband didn't know. He doesn't understand or want to hear about it. And,now he is being overly (like fake) nice and is always asking me how my medication is working, making me feel like I am defective or something. Would never tell my family as they are still abusive and would not be supportive. And I work in a very conservative environment with a lot of people that are more concerned about how things appear and who has what so they would judge me and I would be outcast. You hear them talk about others often and their opinions on people who have problems or have committed "banned topic." You know that they think they are better than you or anyone like you and that you are flawed, not one of them . I know that the majority of people may really not be like this but as a result of how I grew up, I do not trust anyone. It is really hard for me. And, I do not like to be hugged or touched, unless it is my husband (and sometimes not even him).
MaryAnn :hug:
Quote from: Kizzie on September 11, 2015, 10:06:27 PM
Quote from: Cocobird on September 11, 2015, 02:40:02 AM
I told my adult daughter, who didn't understand at all. Whenever I mention anything, she changes the subject. I just don't talk to her about it anymore, but we were always close and now there is this huge barrier. Our conversations have become mostly superficial. Her dad committed suicide, and I think she depends on me to be the 'stable' parent, so she feels threatened.
Interesting Cocobird, my 24 year old son was just home for two weeks and I tried to test the waters by showing him this site. He thought it was interesting, but did not take it any further. My H and I talked about it afterward and we came to the conclusion that he is not quite ready to see us as anything but his parents yet. He still see's us as his reliable, stable mother and father and isn't ready to think about the fact that we are humans and have problems.
I was a bit bummed but at the same time I'd rather not have him become uncomfortable around me as has happened with your daughter. And I'm so sorry to hear that is the case :hug: Would she respond if you told her up front she can put this matter aside until she is ready to talk about it, that you are recovering and don't want it to come between you?
My daughter is 44 -- I just don't mention it anymore. It seems to be working -- we are seeing each other more now.
That's good to hear Cocobird :thumbup:
Quote from: Trace on August 01, 2015, 01:44:15 PM
What has been your experience on telling others that you have PTSD or C-PTSD? I have gotten reactions of laughing to , snickers, to some asking me if I'm being truthful. It's hurts when people react that way. I think most think if you have been a combat veteran that PTSD can not possibly be experienced by a civilian. I am a veteran, but did not spend anytime in combat. I'm thinking it's best to just keep this to myself and just say I have depression, something they may understand.
So do I, people doesn't get it. They may get depression/anxiety, but they don't get trauma. Though they think they do. and people will not ease back on their expertise with this illness they have nothing on. That's my experience, anyway. Depression and/or anxiety is much easier, it's less personal, and more accepted.
If you say you have something that sounds strange people get uncomfortable. Depression is talked about so much that it's easy for people to accept. Of course it gives an entirely inaccurate impression but who cares. I explain myself differently to different people depending on why I'm explaining it in the first place. If I'm trying to avoid going out for dinner I might say I have multiple food allergies or I have OCD . I mean whatever I think the person will believe. And whatever will make them leave me alone. Usually I make a neutral excuse like I'm really busy or I work a lot or my kid has been difficult lately or my cat is sick or my car is acting up. I mean who cares.
A client of mine is a therapist and believes in being open about problems. I disagree. I say hide it. Overcome as much as you can and go on living and you'll probably realize you're functioning better than a lot of people. I don't care what people think of me anymore.
I have told several people about my cPTSD. One person seemed interested to know more about how the condition effects me. Most people cannot comprehend it. My understanding is that most therapists do not understand it either. As nice as it would be to be given external validation from all of my support network the reality is the condition is beyond most people's understanding of the world and so their response is minimal.
I am sorry you have recieved invalidating responses Trace. The great thing is that those of us here definetely do understand cPTSD which is why this board is so comforting and affirming.
Hello Obscured and welcome to the forum. I think it's part of the journey and we figure out who to tell and who not to tell. A lot of T don't get it and still try to approach it as a single event of PTSD. It's not like that, but I think more and more people are coming around to understanding the complexity of our condition. It's very important that we have a safe place to discuss these issues like this forum. We "get it" and even though I am further into my own journey than some people are it's good we can be here for each other and explain the bumps in the road and what worked and didn't work for us. There's no one fix all "pill" for this but understanding what is going and it's okay sometimes to feel the things we do makes us not feel so damn crazy. Excuse my language.
That's what I do..it's depression.
People wouldn't understand how years of sexual, physical, emotional abuse can stay with you. They think that once you're out of the environment you recover. I can't pick which incident caused me to think, feel, behave, and live this way? There's too many to recall? People would sum up this affliction as crazy...how could simple things cause such a reaction?? No, they wouldn't understand what it's like to be this way....depression, is the closest experience they could relate to. Other people caused this. It's not something we're born with, there's no magic pill to balance our brain chemicals. There's no therapy that we can find self and rebuild what has been lost in life. We're not broken because we can't be fixed. We survive, because of what someone did to us, repeatedly over time. Whatever it takes...survive!
I have been experimenting with telling/not telling over the last several months. Mostly, I have gotten good responses but I am also careful who (whom?) I tell. Although I have CPTSD from childhood abuse (and likely have had it most of my life), I only learned that that is what is was about a year ago. I am still figuring the whole thing out myself but find in some cases it is helpful to 'tell' and in others not so much. In a couple of cases I have been surprised.
Here are some of my 'telling' experiences so far:
-I have told my close friends and for the most part have gotten very supportive responses. It has also helped them understand why sometimes I am not a great listener (almost always because I am dissociating and no longer 'there') and they need to tell me things again (and sometimes again and again), as well as some other dysfunctional responses that I still have in different situations. It has also helped them be supportive of me in my healing, where, for example, I am playing more (such as going down slides at playgrounds). Theses friends understand this is not 'weird' but really 'fun' and 'healing' and 'enjoyable'. Most have joined me in my play. ;D
-I was, however, surprised by someone who was (note the past tense) a close friend. She is in health care and really 'should have' known better. But her response was to the effect of 'well, you just need to think happy thoughts about rainbows and unicorns to feel better'. And, 'It's your fault your stuck since you insist on holding on to your monkey brain'. :pissed: The discussion went badly after that (read we had a big fight) and we are no longer really speaking to one another. In hindsight, she is in deep denial about her own childhood traumas but rather than getting help she has opted for 'spiritual bypassing' (e.g. she is now 'too deep' too feel feelings like sadness and anger and everyone who 'chooses' to do so is shallow and not in touch with God :doh:) and moral relativism (e.g. I was wrong to think a bully in my life was behaving badly toward me; all I had to do was choose to not get upset by the abusive treatment, and yes, allow it to continue as it was not 'inherently wrong' :stars:). I think she was also threatened by the progress I have been making with my new therapist as the contrast at some level 'forced' her to unwillingly see her own problems. I am sad to have lost this friend :'( but as long as she is in the place that she is in I cannot return to the friendship that we had before. I am done with co-dependent relationships :yes:. My own mental health and well-being are more important to me than protecting someone else's wall of denial.
-I also recently told a group of people that I volunteer with on a board of directors for a non-profit, non-governmental organization. Normally, I would not have done so but the CPTSD was affecting my ability to handle my related tasks. I was relieved, touched, and grateful how supportive these individuals were to my situation ;D. I discovered that at least one is working with a loved one who has PTSD and suspect at least one or two others are supporting loved ones with other mental injuries and challenges. Perhaps among this group are others who are dealing with mental injuries and challenges themselves.
-I volunteer with another group that I would not tell. Not because it's 'unsafe'. I think this group would be supportive. However, the CPTSD does not interfere with the work that I do with them, and I would like to keep it a 'CPTSD free zone' where I can just go and have fun and be 'normal' (whatever that is and forgive me for the use of that particular word for want of a better one).
-Although a couple of well-chosen people at work do know, I would NEVER 'out' myself to my workplace as a whole. It would be completely unsafe. The head of my section is a bully and *&$^%-type person. I also think he is a misogynist who would certainly use the CPTSD against me in the way that I am certain he would have used 'you must be PMS-ing' against the women in the department if he could still get away with it (he still is generally dismissive to the women in the department dismissing any concerns we raise as us being 'too emotional' :pissed:). Also, many of the people at my work have a background in the natural sciences and view the social sciences, such as psychology, with suspicion and, I think often unfelt fear. Telling them I have CPTSD would most likely result in them viewing me with suspicion and fear too, and again, using it as an excuse to not take me seriously.
Overall, for the last few months I have been experimenting with who I tell and who I can tell and who I want to tell. Sometimes I feel safe enough to tell, sometimes I need to to help others understand where I am coming from, sometimes it's unsafe, and sometimes I just don't want to; I don't always want to be the 'CPTSD advocate'. That said, when it is safe to tell and I have the energy to do so then I do it. The way that I see it is that those of us with mental injuries, challenges, disorders, illnesses, etc. are among the last who are still 'forced' into the closet. If we had diabetes or high blood pressure then there usually would be no shame in telling. Why then are we taught (often through derision and insults and mocking) to stay in the closet?
I suspect much of the negative response comes from fear and often denial. People fear mental illnesses and injuries because this category of 'unwellness' is so unknown. We still know so little about the brain and how it works and how it is injured and healed (e.g. PTSD has only been a diagnosis since about the 1980s and CPTSD is still not one on its own in the DMS). There is a fear that if it can happen to 'those people' then it can happen to 'me' or 'my family' and not enough is known about what to do about it. I also suspect that there is a level of denial. Mocking and deriding help to dismiss the idea that abuses and traumas can cause lasting injuries and dysfunctions. To admit such a thing often means that the person giving the negative response must step outside their own box of denial and start dealing with the fallout of the injuries and traumas that they may have suffered.
But, I am tired of being in the closet. I never chose to be born into the family I had. I never chose or consented to being abused. I did the very best I could in the circumstances I had at an age that was way to young to be dealing with the circumstances I was in (and really, no one of any age should be subjected so such abuse but at least older you have a better understanding of it). The people (largely my parents) who did these things are seen as 'pillars' of the community while society tells me that I ought to hide in the closet in shame for having a fairly 'normal' reaction to incredibly abnormal circumstances. Ridiculous!!! I am tired of carrying someone else's shame. No they will never carry it themselves, but no I do not need to carry it any more either.
So if I can tell then I will tell because the more I speak the more I say 'this is someone else's shame' and the more I say 'this is what psychological injury looks like' (like you, like me, like those who would dismiss and try to shame us). Yes, sometimes it backfires, and yes sometimes it is not safe so I stay quiet. But when I can speak I will speak because often it makes that spark in someone who did not know better, and often it makes a connection with someone who is relieved to learn that they are not alone with what they are dealing with.
I've had a few experiences lately where clients open up about their lives and I'm thinking "you have c-ptsd". I mentioned this only once to a client. It doesn't seem appropriate but I'm not sure. I think it depends on whether I present myself as someone who is coping well or not. Because if I let people know I'm still struggling they might not want to be around me and for good reasons I think.
It does make sense to tell someone if I come off as being in a good place because then I can say "I'm functioning and you can too". For me it comes down to whether or not I can be helpful.
As far as telling for my own benefit... Doesn't seem to be a good idea. I can't explain why I think this.
Vanilla - no words just a BIG :hug: and :applause: and :yourock:
Maybe in time CPTSD will become more well known , of course it may get the same response as Fibromyalgia gets, it's not real and a diagnosis to cover about anything. So, now if I tell someone it will just be a partial truth, I say I have anxiety issues. That seems to be understood by most, don't scare the * out of them, and is something I think most can relate to.
When I returned to work I told my supervisor that I had CPTSD and some coworkers. I wanted them to know because I knew I had changed and I wanted them to know why, or to be prepared. Well that didn't work out well. A group of bitchy nurses verbally attacked me for not helping them more when I was covering an area where 4 people usually work by myself. When confronted by the Manager I fell apart. None of the complaints were justified but it's the point that they did that, knowing I had just come back from medical leave. I feel pretty sure they knew why I was out. So telling co workers may not be a good idea. I wish I had not told them and trusted that they would understand.
Lot of posts in this topics that I could've written myself, lot of recognizing. I've never and can't really see myself ever talking about this with anyone, it's too much of a danger zone. I don't know how and if I could handle a reaction, positive or negative, because it's such a triggering topic. Also, I don't want to be confronted with it afterwards and there's no guarantee that won't happen.
I think that when I've healed more and it's not so much of a difficult topic for me I'll be able to talk about it more, of maybe just talk about myself more easily with others. When I think of me it's almost all CPTSD/symptoms,and a past I can't bring into words, not to easiest way to start a conversation.
Quote from: Pieces on February 16, 2016, 01:20:36 PM
I think that when I've healed more and it's not so much of a difficult topic for me I'll be able to talk about it more, of maybe just talk about myself more easily with others.
At times I imagine myself after I'm healed, I'll be sitting with colleagues at an outdoor terrace and I'll say in passing: "Oh, yes. Depression. I had that twice. Long time ago. I got better." and I'll pass on elaborating.
Thinking/imagining that gives me a big smile on my face.
It's one of the things that keeps me going.
Perhaps I'll only say it in my mind and my colleagues will go: "What's that smirk on your face, Uncle?" and I'll answer: "Oh nothing. An inner pleasure. ;) "
It'll take a while yet to get there...
I recently came to a decision about telling others about CPTSD. That decision was simply NOT to do it anymore. I'm quite self-aware and very expressive, and I've found that even when explaining it thoroughly, people just don't get it. Even many therapists don't get it. It took me three therapists to find one who understood the ramifications of early childhood trauma.
I stopped telling people because (1) It infuriated me to not be believed (i.e., my abuse wasn't "bad enough" for them to accept that I have CPTSD), (2) I got tired of others' expectations to "just get over it already," because the abuse happened so many years ago, and (3) I found a couple of people have subsequently started treating me differently, like "damaged goods." (One even threw bits of info in my face in an attempt to shame me--I've since ended all contact with her.)
For me, I've simply come to conclude that unless an individual has experienced deep trauma or is a therapist trained in trauma and who's worked with trauma patients, people just don't get it. And I'm not wasting my energy "enlightening" them. I've had to spend far too much energy just to stay in life, so I can't afford to waste my time or energy educating people. My younger sister, who didn't experience the abuse of older siblings that I did, says she's supportive. But she hasn't done a minute's research to try to understand it. So I've stopped discussing it with her, too.
For all those reasons, I'm REALLY glad for this forum. For the first time in my 53 years, I feel like there are folks who REALLY GET what CPTSD is.
Peace.
Hi Jewel, :wave:
I relate to a lot you've said.
It's important to be careful whom to tell what. It's so easy to get invalidated by people who just don't 'get it'. And in a sense: How could they? You wrote: "I've simply come to conclude that unless an individual has experienced deep trauma or is a therapist" [they can't understand]. So true.
Recently I've taken a sentence at heart by someone who is in a much different situation than me, yet is in a situation many people don't understand either for not 'living in/through it": "Keep it safe, keep it secret." That helps. It's not to say to keep it all stuffed up inside and be forever silent, but for me it's: "Be careful whom you share your secret with. Only with those who can keep it safe as well. There are many situations/people with whom it's better to keep it a secret, in order for me to keep safe."
Quote from: Jewel on February 21, 2016, 08:01:49 PM
For all those reasons, I'm REALLY glad for this forum. For the first time in my 53 years, I feel like there are folks who REALLY GET what CPTSD is.
Peace.
I want to take the opportunity to say: Welcome! And I'm happy you found and joined us.
I wish you peace as well.
:hug:
I have been thinking about this conversation quite a bit, but I have not been clear about what i wanted to write. In the last year, I finally was diagnosed with CPTSD after 5 decades of misdiagnoses that ultimately led to treatment plans that did not get at the heart of my issues. So a sense of failure in 'fixing' my emotional problems was constant. When i finally found the literature on CPTSD, it was like taking a deep breath and realizing i now understand what i am facing. I did decide early during this first year to let folks/family know when appropriate that I finally was diagnosed correctly and what i was attempting to accomplish with a more comprehensive approach to treatment. Not only did i do this to educate those in my life about what i was facing, but to also to have them understand the challenge ahead for me and for them to know some of more negative behaviors they may witness that are typically a part of this condition and opening up old memories. For the most part this has been good. The biggest issue i have faced is that they truly don't get how challenging it is and how comprehensive the therapy effort needs to be to make any progress. Instead, they often comment that if i just did this or that, i would be better, such as stop alcohol, take medications to deal with the symptoms, live life in a certain way, eat in certain ways, etc. These comments are always made out of concern for me, which is lovely. But now, I often spend a lot of time continually educating them and myself i guess that there doesn't seem to be any simple answer, just a diligent, comprehensive approach to therapy that may have many setbacks in addition to many successes. Sadly, this continuing education i usually have to do during a bad setback, as I try to have them better understand that i am not screwing up even though it looks like i am. This is a difficult thing to do when i am in a major setback.
Today my 'daily quotes' site came up with one that applies to this thread, IMHO.
QuoteBe careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care. The rest just want to have something to gossip about. author unknown
It's a bit sad, but true.
And regardless of this, we sometimes may need to take the chance and either be disappointed or pleasantly surprised. Yet it's important, in my experience, not to take chances too soon.
I shared some of my experiences with a couple of former roommates (Married) about 10 years ago. I really liked and trusted them, but they would share these glances and smirks with each other which I interpreted as they've spent time talking about me to each other and they think I'm making up stories.
I never attempted to tell another person after them.
Quote from: Dark Knight on February 29, 2016, 11:18:13 PM
I never attempted to tell another person after them.
I can relate. Not with CPTSD, but when I told my sister about suicide-threats of an ex-girlfriend of mine. She basically told me I was responsible for them. I never told anybody else about it for many, many years after. :sadno:
I want to take the opportunity to say: "Welcome to the forum,
Dark Knight"
I hope and wish you'll find the community here a place where you can share your experiences with CPTSD in safety.
Our Guidelines for All Members and Guests (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0) are here to ensure this a safe environment for you and will give you an idea of the community we create with each other.
:hug:
I have a story/experience to share that touches on this subject, I think. I only made the connection today, so I'm curious if you folks can follow my train of thought.
***possible triggers on war related trauma and violence***
Last weekend I was on a party with dear friends. Great.
At one point I was talking with a guy, and I told him how I had thought of giving aid/support to the many Syrian Refugees who nowadays have found shelter in the EU (and elsewhere). I know the region, have worked there for 15 years (on and of) and have seen little boys growing into men (girls not so much, since I'm a man and it's the middle-east after all). I told this friend I couldn't do it, as the mere thought of meeting these refugees made me literally cry at my table.
The war directly hits my heart, apparently, and with good reason. To a considerable extend it's my 'country' that is being bombed to pieces, and it's my 'folks' who get slaughtered. I'm attached to it. Engaged. Enmeshed even.
Friend didn't 'get it'. I tried to explain once more, making clear it was just my experience, that already just the thought of meeting these refugees made me cry, so why would I bother to (re-)traumatize me?
Then something interesting happened, of which I only found the missing pieces of the puzzle the next day.
He told me I was a very "Black and White" thinker, and he was more of the "grey-area". Thumping-Thumping. Doesn't my chest make a great sound, you lowly narrow-minded person? was the impression I got at the time. With "don't absorb, but observe" in mind I let it go. I had made my point (which was nothing more than a personal experience, I was not saying nobody should go to these refugee-shelters, just that I couldn't do it) so let him have his say. He rattled on a bit, and then dropped it. (presumably since I didn't "bite")
I was taken aback a bit by the fact that my experience was labeled "black and white thinking", and only the next day, when I recalled this conversation I started to put it in perspective.
My friend's perspective is that of the "outsider". He probably has never spend a day of his life in the region, nor in any other region that since has been torn apart by war.
I on the other hand have spend a full 30+ months there. And know people there whom I have lived with, 24 hours a day, for weeks on end, and then the next year again, and again etc.
That's quite a different perspective.
And I realized that on a scale of 0 (white) to 10 (black), he sees from about 0 (white) to 2 (black).
Yet I see from 0 (white) to 7, or 8, or possibly close to 10 even. That's my "black".
So his 2 (black) is quite a pale grey to me. And what I'm telling him might well be my 5 (grey), but since he cannot see past 2 (and who can blame him, he's never been there, how can he have this perspective? It's through no fault of his own ! ) that's the darkest black he has ever seen. "Good Grief, that Dutch Uncle is a very Deep, Utter Dark-Thinker, the like I've never seen before!"
I'm happy my recovery has taken me this far already. I think previously I might have "Fawned", or picked a Fight, or Fled or Froze. He's a good friend and will remain so.
Possibly at some point I'll tell him about this. Maybe not.
Time will tell.
This is not that important to our relationship.
Our mutual relationship is important.
I love the guy. At least he has a perspective. And tells me upfront.
I fancy that. :thumbup:
I've known worse.
Hence my signature line: "I love straightforward people. The lack of drama makes life so much easier."