When I left my ex husband I knew that I was broken and that the problem wasn't him but at the same time part of me felt like it was. When I was single I learned that nothing had changed and I'd still got the same inside mess as before. It was just that now I was miserable but not being triggered.
So I lived by myself for three years and then got involved with my current partner. I felt like I was strong and confident enough now to not fall back into emotional flashbacks, except then I did. My health worsened as well (I have chronic fatigue syndrome) and so here I am once again. When I'm in an EF it feels like my partner is Satan. It seems amazing to me that I have carried arojnd THIS MUCH dread. That poor me, living day after day with my father.
Now my health is improving a bit after three years of being really debilitated. The freedom is more tasty than any drug and sometimes the taste of it makes me want to pack up and run away and never come back. And then I'll have a good few days and all of that stuff recedes and I see my relationship as one I (think I) want to stay in, though he drives me crazy at times (Aspergers, I think).
I just want to be able to be here without not wanting to be here, without catastrophising about everything, without feeling like we will eventually corrode so far there'll be no return. Part of me wants it to be ended because I know that I will never get into ankther relationship, that they just trigger me too much. Another part of me says I always knew this could happen, that this is my opportunity to really face this stuff down and deal with it. It's just bloody exhausting and depressing, that's all. I want to feel as strong as I did at the start but I don't know if that's possible
Hi stacey,
I just want to 'comment' on the Asperger's you mentioned. As I can relate.
If you are right in this, and why wouldn't you, then yes his behavior will be triggering.
If you are wrong, and why wouldn't you, then his behavior is still triggering.
All I can say now: validate and acknowledge your own feelings. They are real, no matter what. And you can only take it from there.
:hug:
That's a bit of a juggling act, isn't it. have to remember that I'm being triggered and yet at the same time remember that even if he wasn't triggering me from a CPTSD perspective there are still things that would trigger me.
Sigh. And then I feel guilty because he tries really hard to be there and to understand and to give me what I need. But sometimes it feels awfully lonely. I need to get out and hang out with other ppl. Thats part of the problem
Hey stace,
Really feel for you. Yes it is exhausting and very lonely. I spent six months without my partner and however awful the abuse is, it was excruciating to be without him, although not being triggered, like you say. One thing that has changed for me is that I do make sure now I get out and see other people and do small things that I enjoy, so that the relationship and the emotions don't become all consuming.
:hug:
Thanks, MBA. You're so right about needing to get out more and see other people. I do but then my CFS symptoms flare. The combo of the two is like a prison, really, but gotta keep onwards I guess.
How about long term spousal abuse? My wife, who is suspected of having BPD by our T and my psychiatrist, has been emotionally and verbally abusive. I keep having more and more moments when I feel rage bubbling up, which make me feel angry at myself for staying and giving her 'permission' to be abusive, but in therapy, I came to realize that I was co-dependent, needy, a rescuer and didn't know how to draw the line or walk away from her. I also have untreatable bipolar illness, on disability since June, 2011, so I'm dealing with a double dose of psych problems. I'm miserable in this marriage and I need to find the courage to see an attorney.