I still live with my parents. My dad is/was emotionally abusive and my mum emotionally abandoned me. I say is/was because when my parents separated last year things changed for a brief time and my dad was actually nice and my mum began caring. However my dad's change didn't last long and now it's a like a touch and go thing that has me on edge and wary. Sometimes I swear I'm getting whiplash from him constantly changing. My family system has shifted since the separation, the divorce isn't final yet as my mum's lawyer got a job halfway through the process so the paperwork still needs to be reviewed and approved.
In the past though I was the one that others took out their anger on. My dad specifically, who constantly spanked me as a child until I was about 5, for things as simple as spilling a cup of orange juice by accident. He's always teased me (usually saying I am a short and a wimp), bullied me, calls me lazy all the time and otherwise makes demeaning sarcastic remarks. If I do something he doesn't like he gets what seems like revenge later by denying me something that I wanted or harshly picking apart something I say/making a joke out of it. The worst part is when he gets his "revenge" it's something he and I only know about and no one else gets.
My mum has recently begun changing for the better since the separation. My dad was abusive towards her as well. However I usually get stuck as a messenger of sorts between them. I honestly don't know how to handle my mom caring. I get angry and upset sometimes because she was there for my siblings but not me and now I feel like it's a bit too late for her to want in. Whenever I talked to her about how I felt about my siblings she'd get upset and start yelling at me saying I was ungrateful/disrespectful and generally turn the conversation around onto me so that by the end I felt like I should apologize to her. If I came to her with a problem she'd compare it to one of my siblings problems or say "It could be worse" or "You're upset about that?". It always made me super confused about how I felt and like I wasn't worthy of feeling anything because by feeling things I made her upset.
I'm seeing a therapist and it helped at first, but now I think it might be time to find a new one. I'm always super tired but sometimes I just can't fall asleep at night. I just have two more years until I'll be able to get out but for now I feel trapped. I've been trying really hard to keep going but sometimes I run out of duct tape and superglue.
Hi sometimes the sky is blue
Thank you for sharing ...
Your family of origin sound like mine was ( a long time ago now) and I'm sad you are in that situation because I know how painful it is ...
You sound like you have quiet a lot of insight into the situation though ... I just didn't really know what was going on at the time ( couldn't put it into words ...
Do u know about the sister site ' out of the fog' people there talk about what it is like still being connected with abusive people and solutions ...
You talk of maybe needing a new therapist .. Is the current one not able to meet your needs ?
Wishing u all the best on the next part of your recovery
Hello and welcome, we're glad you are here. :)
Your home situation sounds tense, to say the least - and I'm sorry for the stress you're living under.
Sometimes a "good enough" therapist is all you need. In the past when I've felt stuck, a breakthrough was right around the corner.
Hang in there! Keep reading, keep posting, things will reveal themselves in time.
Thank you Three Roses for replying, I really do hope to keep reading and posting.
Boatsetsailrose-- I've never really had the words for what was happening to me either until around a while ago. My parents deciding to divorce was almost like a slap in the face and a huge wake up call. Up until then I had no idea how to describe what was happening to me until I went to a therapist for the first time.
I feel like I might need a new therapist because it feels like the one I have currently doesn't really listen to me. I've told her that I sometimes end up having these things that seem a bit like panic attacks but aren't because while they last I feel like I'm a little kid again and I want to run and hide and also sometimes end up spacing out after them and just disconnect from myself. She said "I think that might be a part of the ptsd" and we had never discussed anything like that at any previous sessions, it was completely out of the blue. The session ended shortly after that so I didn't have time to question her about it and I ended up having to schedule another appointment next month because she was booked until then. So I just feel like she isn't telling me things that I should probably know. If this upcoming appointment I'm planning on questioning her about it but I still feel a bit upset that she didn't tell me what was going on if she knew before I said that.
Sorry for the long answer and I didn't know about the sister site, thank you for telling me and replying.
You said, "I feel like I'm a little kid again and I want to run and hide and also sometimes end up spacing out after them and just disconnect from myself. She said 'I think that might be a part of the ptsd' "
It certainly sounds like an emotional flashback followed by dissociation. This is so common among us, on this forum. Pete-walker.com will have more details about this.
Yes sounds the right thing to bring it up with the therapist and see how she responds, then you will be able to gage it from there ..
I have always found honesty is the best in therapy and get any resentment out in the open.. Part of the process to growing and being heard ( or not if its not the right support
Wishing u best wishes with it
Which ever way you will keep healing :) learning to find ourselves is the best gift we give to ourselves I feel
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