Out of the Storm

Hello all.

This morning, before a fairly serious meeting, I looked at facebook for a bit of positive diversion, but at the very top of the feed there was a photograph which should have sent me in a spiral.

In the past i've gone into anxious fits and have had meltdowns that wipe me out for weeks at a time. But for some reason I did not today.

I felt that spark of heat in my heart, but it was tiny and did not grow.

I checked a box to remove it from my feed, but it keeps popping up with many many people expressing love for the two people in the photo. Here's the kicker **trigger**: one of them ran away overseas to 'sow his oats' after I fell pregnant with his child. In utter grief I had a miscarriage. The other person found out this happened quite a while later, was utterly disgusted, showed me great care, and became my boyfriend, but he raped me repeatedly throughout the relationship.

The photo is of them two, holidaying in Amsterdam together, flashing the biggest grins while sharing a couple of beers.

I have blocked all contact with both these men, but sometimes things slip through.

As usual, some of my family members and 'friends' who know this has happened are among the people showering these guys with love.

This has happened before in smaller doses, but the utter absurdity of this has left me largely unmoved. This is surreal.

Separately, I have suffered immense grief from these things, and repeated ef's sinse for over six years. I'm not feeling good, but its strange to not feel the usual unbearable trauma.

That's all I can say right now.

Oh, Contessa! What a strange turn of events. Could it be that you've got rid of some of the poison? I don't know, but I'm awfully glad that it didn't undo you just before the big meeting. I also hope the big meeting went well.

That's so heartening.  Thank you for sharing it.

I'm beginning to experience a few of these kinds of things too, and I believe they are more important than happiness. After trauma finding those quickenings of resilience - they are like the first signs of spring after the longest, hardest winter.
Bitter-sweet under the circumstances, I know.  But imagine the strength your mind is showing you!

Thank you.

Today I am starting to feel it, very slowly. Extremely disappointed, and not okay. But not having a complete meltdown has helped to just keep going.

The meeting went okay, but it was also to discuss another traumatic incidence. So full on.

So true to my form, I just did something.

I wrote a message to my family: knowing what you know, have you ever thought to ask me if I am okay? Ever?

Six years of dealing with them showing love to those men, and never once seeing how I am coping... absolutely dumbfounded.

With you, got the t-shirt (in six colours).

Cheering you on, knowing you're not getting what you deserve.

Haha! Thanks Radical. I think i'm only up to four now  :Idunno:

Anyhoo, the game is on now, again. Went in soft and now I've thrown down a big hand. Meh...

best to you with every single bit of this, contessa.  there are so many levels to be aware of, manage, make our way through.  i think you're doing well, actually.  keep it up, even if you get down sometimes, you're still moving forward.  big hug, sweetie.

Yeah I think so too. Overall, getting  my strength back for now. Reasserting myself, but the responses are no longer a shock.

I am quite literally surprised when someone says "I'm sorry, will make sure I do that in future". I never expect it from my family now.

Definitely a step forward :) Thank you San xo Rad and Wife :)

i wonder if your family members are seeing some of these strong, assertive changes in you, and are making some of their own changes accordingly?  hmmm . . .  interesting.  at any rate, i'm glad you're getting some pos. responses from at least some of them.  nothin' bad about that!

I got that apology from the person who posted the photo. No questions asked, they know theres a history but I have not spoken to them about what it is. Issue nipped, on to the next thing in life...

I will never, ever get that from my family. Ever. I did get "you have to always assume everyone is okay" from one, absoute silence from the others, and a thumbs up for responding with a reiteration that I am not okay and never have been with this issue.

Absurd.

indeed.  sorry, i thought you had been referring to a family member.  i goofed.  i'm just glad someone apologized for something.  like you said, on to the next thing . . .

Not a goof San, I was a bit ambiguous.

But yes, feels good. The good shocks :) May they keep coming for one and all

Sorry Contessa, I just saw this thread. 

QuoteI wrote a message to my family: knowing what you know, have you ever thought to ask me if I am okay? Ever?

That is the most life affirming statement you wrote to your family :cheer:  It looks a lot to me like your self starting to unfurl and reassert your value and worth and right to ask those kinds of questions of the people who are supposed to love and care for you.

I am sorry it has been difficult for you. Perhaps next time it won't be quite as bad, and then better and better each time you speak up for your self, for wonderful you.    :hug:

Thank you so much Kizzie and everyone.

The funny thing is I was this assertive at the beginning, six years ago. I was still a successful teacher, had healthy boundaries with people, was adventurous, and embarking on new and exciting things... but I thought they  had my back. My assertion was met with silence and invalidation back then and so I fell into anger and passivity.

Now, I know to expect the extremes of silence and rude, selfish and aggressive language, and not "what would you like us to do".

So yesterday it got nasty again, and I could move on! That's a win. I'm coming back :)

yay for you, contessa.  you go, girl!

Contessa - kudos to you for the good attitude about it.  Great to have those victories isn't it?  Gotta celebrate each one, big or small.  :applause: :cheer:

Absolutely Phienix Rising!
Still going strong :)

Ah here is the thread. Couldn't remember where it was. Wrote another one.

Update... they have been given the flick. In too good a headspace to to get into stupid battles with them. Didn't take much but it was the usual, and I was ignored/censured/invalidated/blocked/abused for putting my hand up and saying "ahem... hellooo... over here..."

Okay that's not what I said but it was a little reassertion of my existence. With one eventual expletive.

So onward and upward. Not a tear to be shed.

Yes!  Airpunch, or whatever that's called.

One of the most valuable things about this site, OOTF and other sites like Captain Awkward has been the support and validation in helping me identify the incredibly corrosive and psychologically abusive behaviours that rob me of the psychological air to breathe, and to remind me that we all deserve that air.  Basic respect is not too much to ask.  We need to be able to protect ourselves from being:
ignored/censured/invalidated/blocked/abused for putting my hand up and saying "ahem... hellooo... over here..."  every bit as much as we need to be able to protect ourselves from physical assault.

I had a similar event this week of 'reasserting my existence', which makes me even happier to send this high-five with fireworks.

                                                  :fireworks:

reassertion of your existence - what a lovely phrase.  bravo to both you, contessa, and to you, radical.  every reassertion of our existence is a victory.  yay!

QuoteWe need to be able to protect ourselves from being:
ignored/censured/invalidated/blocked/abused for putting my hand up and saying "ahem... hellooo... over here..."  every bit as much as we need to be able to protect ourselves from physical assault.

I wish people were able to extend their little brains to understand this. Doing nothing is just as bad as perpetrating overt abuse. For my family, by it shows they condone it.

Fist bump to all, love hearing from you San and Rad

Oh Contessa, I understand your feelings about your family never acknowledging your pain...in fact, willfully betraying you for your abuser(s).  Our family is supposed to protect and nurture us. If they don't, then they are saying that you are not worthy of any love or nurturance. It's so hard to separate from that and see that YOU are scaring them. YOU are telling truths that they don't want to hear... so they shoot the messenger. I'm glad that you are moving away from needing their approval, but it is SUCH a difficult thing to do. I hope your find your 'soul' family, the ones who know and love you and accept you for who you are. I am so glad you are coming back. It's a hard row to hoe with a family working against you (let alone support you!).

After years of trauma and abuse, my mother suddenly and finally got it. I don't know why, but she did. And I finally have an ally. My only true friend in my family, one that respects me and knows and understands all that I've been through. And I feel the same way about her and do everything I can for her happiness. She has become my staunch defendant and admirer and it has truly been wonderful to become friends with her. And now she is nearly 96 and failing. I am so sad to lose the one family member who chose to get to know me.

I don't know if this will ever happen to you. It was certainly balm to my soul. But it didn't happen until my late 40's, so I have done much work on my own. I know that loneliness and despair of trying to explain myself and being told I don't have a problem or I asked for it. You have so much courage and strength and power if you have been able to start to move beyond that. Please honour yourself for that. You are wonderful. :)

Hello and thank you Womangum :)

This is the first time in a longtime that I have been able to stop and check in properly with everyone on his forum. Thank you for these affirming words. Only about half an hour ago I stopped and thought "I don't miss my family" with the same care anyone would say "the sky is blue"... and then promptly immersed myself in doing a puzzle.

Ironically, my only staunch ally is my four year old nephew. My family have been travelling in and out of state to visit him, and his first words are always " Where's Aunty Contessa?", and whenever they leave he gives them strict instructions to bring me back. When they go out, they are apparently keeping an eye out for me, and he already has my bed ready for when I visit (yes he will always be in my life if I can help it). Just me, nobody else.

You would thin his unwavering attachment to me would speak volumes to the others, but as we're all aware, there is no hope for recognition. On to more positive things that I can control.

Quote from: Contessa on February 27, 2017, 07:14:33 AM

QuoteWe need to be able to protect ourselves from being:
ignored/censured/invalidated/blocked/abused for putting my hand up and saying "ahem... hellooo... over here..."  every bit as much as we need to be able to protect ourselves from physical assault.

I wish people were able to extend their little brains to understand this. Doing nothing is just as bad as perpetrating overt abuse.

:yeahthat: and I'm proud of myself for standing up and refusing to be ignored/censured/invalidated and blocked yesterday. Thanks for giving me the words to pinpoint what was going on.

contessa,  :cheer: for being able to non-chalantly think "I don't miss my family" and go on to do a puzzle.

Aww. That's really cute with your 4-year old nephew. I hope you manage to retain him in your life, without damaging yourself with other FOO contact, goes without saying of course.

Well done Blueberry!! Its so empowering isn't it? When our feet become more firmly planted, asserting ourselves will become less of an effort :) and puzzles are more preferrable over worrying about douchy family members

Me too. My door will always be open to him. X

Quote from: Contessa on April 29, 2017, 10:45:26 PM
When our feet become more firmly planted, asserting ourselves will become less of an effort :)

Oh, so that's the connection. Thanks for affirming. Have a mental image of me in T's office stamping my feet on ground and feeling the connection to my body through legs and feet to ground. We've been working with that on and off for weeks. Maybe just 5 minutes a session now. And see, it's paying off  ;D

Yes, empowering is the word! Without that I become depressive.

I can relate to your feelings about your nephew. I too have nieces and nephews, some a bit younger than 4, some a bit older. But since I've gone LC with FOO I'm resigned to having not much contact with any of them in future. I'll leave my door open too, but they won't know that. And quite possibly my sibs are explaining that Auntie Blueberry is too sick to have or want contact. It's true that I no longer want contact with sibs or one SIL and with the other SIL I wouldn't have a problem but not realistic to have contact when not contacting my B. But none of that has anything to do with the children. And one is my god-daughter too. I don't want her to feel that i'm abandoning what should in time become a special bond, but I'm not willing to leave myself vulnerable in contact with B and SIL (which I now know I'd be doing) in order to keep in some form of 'normal' contact with my niece. I realised I have to protect myself and my well-being first and foremost in my full-of-denial FOO. 
Sorry for hijacking the post a bit, but first time I remember any bringing up the relationship with small nieces and nephews.

Not a hijack at all, it's good to speak to someone who gets it.

Small steps, but you will get there. You will succeed if you have the desire :) I'm at a stage where there are more and bigger steps forward, with less going back.

QuoteBut since I've gone LC with FOO I'm resigned to having not much contact with any of them in future. I'll leave my door open too, but they won't know that. And quite possibly my sibs are explaining that Auntie Blueberry is too sick to have or want contact.

Me too Blueberry. I've been 'sick' in their eyes for so long, that it did drive me insane (ie traumatised me). They have spent more time talking about me, making up their own minds and forming their own ideas on my mental health... to me it makes more sense to redirect that energy to talking to me and finding out. But they are so caught up with deciding for themselves and telling me what I think and feel, I prefer to be with people who don't make those silly and incorrect assumptions.

In fact, I'm sure they don't think I've noticed that I am never left entirely alone with him. Plans have been cancelled when there are no other family members available to babysit him and I'm their last prospect. It's lovely not being given credit for the 10+ years I spent teaching young children... alone... with stringent and repeated police checks... and I still do it

*Trigger warning*
Was told that I make mountains out of molehills. Maybe I am just oversensitive to losing a baby...being raped...domestic violence...stalking.... hmmph, silly old me.

Thanks to my family I couldn't move past these things, in fact they kept triggering me! Now without them I feel these events can finally stay in the past. Well when I press the post button in this anyway ;)

i loved the phrase about that we need psychological air to breathe.  a thought akin to that ran through my mind today while i was talking to my hub about our separating, and you nailed it!  no psychological air to breathe.  always clawing to get enough.  whew!  thank you.  it's a necessity for mental and emotional health, and i don't have enough here.  love how these pieces keep coming together from everyone.  you are all so wonderful!!!

You too San!

That's a good phrase, I'll remember that  :)

My psychological air sometimes has a fresh pair scent, sometimes orange, lavendar... all very good things for a pleasurable breath :)