After I sent a payment reminder to a troublesome client and heard my email ping, I presumed it was this client replying and pointing out a mistake i.e. that she had paid. I reached up automatically and pulled a few hairs out.
I've written more about the incident under Employment, but the self-harm needs to go here.
I have worked a lot in T both inpatient and outpatient over the years on this type of self-injury, but without stopping much or for long. I know I'm self-punishing for making the teeniest mistake or for having conceivably made a larger one. But without any real evidence of the latter. It's more: there might have been a mistake here and it would have been me who made it because I'm the only one in the whole wide world who makes mistakes. For "whole wide world" read "FOO". And mistakes are unforgiveable, a question of total shame, sink to the floor in fact right through the floor into the basement kind of shame.
Just reached up again to my hair but realised it before pulling out. The reason: maybe I haven't written the whole picture in this post, maybe I haven't covered everything, maybe I haven't used the correct or even 100% best word every time, and also I've been writing based more on my emotions than any kind of logical thinking, so even more reason to think I could've made a mistake.
I have an appointment very soon, and it will do me good, so I'm stopping writing this and going.
blueberry, dear blueberry,
those foo messages about mistakes were punishment enough, in my opinion. you've paid a thousand times over for not reaching their expectations for you to be perfect. i sincerely hope you can put them in their place soon so that you can stop punishing yourself for being human.
they didn't want you to be human, they wanted you to be maintenance-free. i know that one, because i lived it. they didn't want a child who needed to be gently taught that it's ok to make mistakes, whose mistakes were looked at and learned from in the most loving, caring way. rather, your humanness, like mine, was denied in the worst way, through disapproval, non-acceptance, and punishments, both physical and psychological.
we carried those expectations with us, until we were out of their house, when we began punishing ourselves in their place. i put myself in harm's way any number of times because my sense of being afraid in a healthy way had been excised. i drank, used drugs, had casual sex without protection, took dangerous chances with people. it was all a form of self-punishment for not being perfect, as i see it now.
pulling hair goes against my grain because in another life i was a hairdresser, so it hurts my heart when people do that, but i know that we each have our own ways to self-punish. i'm glad you were able to stop yet another attempt while you were writing. i hope your meeting goes well, and that you can eventually lay this form of self-punishment to rest. you don't deserve it. you're quite a lovely, wonderful person, even when you make mistakes. so am i. in fact, i'm not even going to go back over this post to see if i made any spelling/grammar errors, or if i said everything i wanted to say. i've said enough for now. it's hard, but we can do this. big hug, blueberry. let's go have a beverage on the porch.
sanmagic, your post moves me almost to tears, which is saying a lot at the moment.
Writing my own post helped me understand. As usual, I only figured out all the connections as I wrote. You understood so much just like that. I can and will take my realisations and some of what you wrote with me to therapy next time. "Gently taught" was not something done in my foo, nor really was anything "loving". But I do know that one way to heal from that is by being (or at least trying to be) loving and caring towards myself or if it's easier then with self-talk to inner children.
I actually have done quite a lot of that type of healing already. I used to be far worse in the way I harangued myself internally adn the viciousness with which I pulled out my hair. But there is more work to do.
I'm sad to say that you're writing that I'm a lovely, wonderful person doesn't quite resonate. I can feel tears behind my eyes as I write it out but foo's messages loom larger still. Maybe I should speak these words into a mirror till they sink a bit deeper. Yes, I could try that.
Thank you so much for caring :hug: I'm sorry you understand so much because you went through something similar. Yes, let's go sit on the porch.
Blueberry, it's okay, sometimes stress triggers and then you do something imperfect. :Idunno:
That doesn't mean you aren't a wonderful person, it's just a thing you did in the moment. We didn't learn to cope with stress very well and suffer from wanting to be perfect. And then that moment of feeling overwhelmed disappears again. Hugs for you.
:hug:
Lingurine
Thank you Lingurine. :hug:
For years I felt like a bad person, through and through right into the marrow of my bones. I remember a fellow patient asked me in a long-stay place why I believed I was so bad. I answered: "I just am." I no longer think that, so that in itself is progress. But still a way to go to believe I'm good as I am or even wonderful. But thank you for telling me anyway, bit by little bit it does sink in. That I do know, I've experienced that over the years.
oh my blueberry I do this all the time too, do not do any more hurtful things today if you can help it. Those days are over and you are a new shade of blue.
Blueberry,
I did not read the entire thread. I can't concentrate today. But I did want to say it isn't if we relapse, it is when we relapse. It is what we do next. You can beat this, we have ups and downs but we keep on keeping on. Not quitting is what counts!
:hug:
And another hair-pulling incident today. I'm working and was thinking about how to solve a small problem and just reached up automatically and pulled a hair out. After I pulled it out I suddenly knew which of the possibilities was the best one in this case. So next time I can tell myself: you know which solution is best without pulling hair out first!
Just in case anybody is wondering: some people in the past have suggested that pulling hair out isn't that bad, and that I especially shouldn't pay attention if I only pull one out, but in this case it is important because I realised the solution right afterwards. Not directly because I pulled a hair out but because I have the skills to solve these work-related problems. I just need to believe in that and give myself a small break, even just stretching my body for a few minutes if I feel stressed in any way at having to make a decision. Movement would probably help clear my head anyway and bring the best solution or at least a correct one to the front of my brain.
I'm sorry if hair pulling was minimized. To me it sounds so hard. I have had self harm issues but I can create obstacles to give me pause before I act. It's hard to do that when it is right there. I keep notes around myself reminding myself to breathe, to stop, and a few other things. I use little chalk boards to write messages and just plain paper that I colored a stop sign on. Is there anything you can keep near you to remind you to stop or breathe, hopefully before you reach up? If you can create 3 seconds it will help.
i love what dee said, about minimizing the hair-pulling. i think minimizing any kind of self-harm is not ok.
i also love dee's suggestions for giving oneself those few seconds' time in order to break the automatic-ness of our self-harm cycle. it speaks to mindfulness, keeping ourselves present in the present so that we are aware of what we are doing and when.
i think your realizations about your true skill level is remarkably wonderful for you. look at that - you had the answer inside you all the time! good for you for discovering it, acknowledging it. that's what will keep you on a steadier path with this. well done, blueberry, well done! in my best tony the tiger voice, you're grrr-e-e-a-a-t!!!
that doesn't mean you might not do it again, might not be perfect at this, but i think you've come a long way with being more full of self-worth, and that's always a good thing. love and hugs!
Blueberry - I get this and I am sorry the stress gets that bad. My T recently identified my hair pulling as self harm type behavior. I also do other self harm - but clean for 98 days so far. It's so hard to not resort to the old behaviors.
Hugs :hug:
Hi Blueberry
We all feel it with you. We have all been there, where our shame attacks us like a rabid dog.
And we relive our feelings of powerlessness against violent acts.
And we have been damaged in some way, and are wired all wrong: we get relief from feeling the pain of self harm.
And despite all these terrible obstacles, you have the courage and strength to share your pain with us.
That is resilience, and that is healing.
Slim :hug:
Another one today. In fact two times while I was working on a payment reminder for the very same client. Only the reasons were different this time. I've written them under Employment / Troublesome Clients - a bit of a rant
Troublesome Client triggered the self-injury, but it's because of an EF. It has to do with the psychological abuse that when on when I was growing up. A lot of what happened when I was a teenager (as opposed to a child) is connected to the problems I wrote about today.
So I'll sleep on my payment reminder and send it in the morning.
*Trigger warning*
Mine is attacking the skin around my fingers tips. Done it for decades. Become a master at pulling just enough so it doesn't bleed. I had never thought if it as self harm behaviour ( just a silly habit as NM would say) but now see it clearly is. I absolutely understand the compulsion, the sense of immediate relief at a visceral level, the shame that follows, the inner critic pouncing on it as more evidence that you are a failure ... I can see the progress here blueberry, that you are now so much more able to stop it sooner, and use it as feedback to how you are doing emotionally etc. Sometimes I just let myself do it, your post has helped me to think about it more.... maybe as I move through the adjustment to coming out of denial, it can change. Makes me feel so teary as I can sense the pain behind the actions....
hugs and love to you....
It helped me enormously to realise that the black and white thinking of 'good person/bad person' is part of the abusers storytelling, and that in fact we are all a mixture of just loving beingness ( our true self) and pain. The abusers are those whose loving beingness is almost completely covered over with pain from their own damage. Our loving beingness is stronger.. it is managing to emerge and therefore we are motivated to heal as we somehow feel those glimpses of who we really are. The abusers get no glimpses and are a lost cause as far as we can tell.
If we ban the idea of 'good person/bad person' ..... we can sidestep all of that old conditioning so much more easily.
Can you agree that you are a loving being?
Then of course, the task is to learn how to be that loving being with ourself, and not direct the pain at ourselves.
I look at my fingers right now and see torn skin, a body trying valiantly to repair it 24/7. I'm sad, and angry, but not at myself this time.
:hug:
QuoteCan you agree that you are a loving being?
Then of course, the task is to learn how to be that loving being with ourself, and not direct the pain at ourselves.
I love this! I'm adopting this view of myself. Thanks clarity! :)
clarity, how brilliant of you to be able to turn that anger away from yourself and back to where it belongs. that's huge. those hard-working fingertips of yours will someday be seen by you as part of the loving being you are, and love will prevent further damage and pain to them.
that's what our ultimate goal is, isn't it. loving ourselves. because, we would not with any intent damage something we love. i know we won't be perfect at it, but, just as we've loved others, pets, kids, we've done our best to put that love at the front. we'll eventually do that with ourselves as well. i can feel it coming.
love and hugs all around.
I'm not far enough along to see myself as a loving being. The step you are suggesting there is huge. HUGE.
I do do small acts of love, kindness, gentleness towards myself when I manage to e.g. brush my hair non-aggressively or brush my teeth without scrubbing them or gently wash myself with nice-smelling shower gel (tho I notice I write the latter with embarrassment). For the moment, this is more manageable for me - concrete, practical, physical steps the complete opposite to my self-harm. Learning to be loving towards myself and then maybe getting to the point of seeing myself as a loving being.
As sanmagic mentioned, we wouldn't harm our pets the way we harm ourselves. No, I wouldn't dream of it! So that's sometimes an image I bring before my eyes, or also an image of a very young Little Blueberry, to stop self-harm.
The talk of Mama Bear on another thread reminded me that I used to have an imaginary porcupine that went around town with me, usually sitting on top of my head stroking my forehead and reducing my self-harm impulses to nil.
The porcupine turned up in some deep trance work being led around by a small inner child on the lead (like a dog). The lead was very slack though, it wasn't really necessary as a lead, it was more a connection between the two. The porcupine could talk and the child was not in the least frightened of the porcupine. (I was as a child, I used to check under the bed at night to make sure there wasn't a porcupine under there whose quills were going to stick me through the mattress - though how on earth one would have got there is anybody's guess.)
On the other thread there is some suggestion that aggression is a bad thing, I can't remember the exact suggestion. It made me think though: that porcupine tail can act pretty fast and be pretty painful to any aggressor. And that's just self-defense! In this particular case the porcupine is an image for aggression within me. I know that whenever I wandered around town with the porcy on my head, I didn't pull out any hair. Whereas at that time - that's maybe about 8-10 years ago - I consistently pulled out hair. Even out for a little walk, I'd reach up and pull out a hair, because I was feeling nervous or because I felt vulnerable or because I was worried people would start laughing at me on the street for being so stupid, ridculous, ugly, badly-dressed, fat, or because I looked so nervous... My abusers in FOO - all three of them - have so much to answer for! :pissed:
My T has been teaching me that aggression per se is not a bad thing, it's what you do with it. That "aggression" developed from the Latin word to "go towards" or to "approach", so I'm going forward with energy to defend myself. Later the definition turned into something negative rather than neutral, and is sometimes used that way to disarm somebody who is merely defending themselves.
In the case I mentioned in T, in a particular group I go to, I'd marked a particular seat as mine a) by saying so (this is mine, I'll be back in a minute) and b) by placing my backpack and my coat on it. A woman removed them anyway and sat down. When I objected, she accused me of being aggressive. Instead of backing down, I got louder, and so she moved to another chair, remarking on my aggression while she was about it. I felt a bit guilty, so that's why I took this incident into T with me me. Lo and behold, this woman was projecting her own aggression onto me; she was trying me out - will Blueberry defend herself or not? / how far can I get with Blueberry? My T says people do act in self-interest in ways that impinge on other people and if you're impinged upon and/or feel that your boundaries have been violated, you are allowed to defend yourself! The other person may in turn accuse you of being 'aggressive' to try and make you back down, but you can stand your ground, which I did. This other woman is not a bad person, I normally get on with her, and now that I've stood my ground, she knows she can't try that kind of thing out on me again.
*** TRIGGER WARNING PHYSICAL ABUSE ***
In order to defend yourself, you have to mobilise energy. This mobilisation can manifest itself physically: blood rushes to your head and turns your face red, your muscles go taut etc. So I realise writing this, that imagining these changes in somebody my mental image goes to my older B about to punch me in what he may have seen as an act of self-defense, but wasn't. Because it was completely out of proportion!!! (to whatever it was I might have done to him). Once I was so angry as a teenager that I hit him back. He yelled "How dare you hit me?!?" and pulled back his fist to have another go while I very calmly thought to myself "I'm going to die", and then our dog attacked him. Which was enough to bring him to his senses and make him go away swearing and leave me in peace.
If that's the image that comes up, no wonder I have trouble with accepting my own aggression! But again, I'm turning the aggressive act that was done to me into my own act, taking on the guilt and shame that should be someone else's for their act. Whether it was someone hitting me and then threatening to hit me again for defending myself, or whether it was somebody merely taking my seat.
End of TRIGGER WARNING
It's when I'm thinking about shame of this type that I will injure myself, I realise now. When I'm in the act of stating: "This is MY chair" or in the act of hitting my brother back, I do not pull out any hair - it's later, often years later.
I'm very sorry that this post got so long. Often when I write my thoughts on here, as they come, in all their length, I come to realisation after realisation which helps my healing. If I didn't write on here, so maybe in my diary instead, I wouldn't be able to keep going so long especially not without self-harming, but also my head wouldn't stay this clear for so long. So for me writing here to all of you works as a healing tool for me. Thank you so much! :wave:
Today I'm working on the last job of a particular type of contract work which I'll be taking a break from for a good while. One reason is: I can't do this work without pulling my hair out. Another reason is: it involves far more mental energy and takes me far longer to do it than it should. I get paid per job rather than per hour... Fortunately I do have another line of work where I don't pull my hair out.
I was thinking just before I ended the work for the night that it's not going so badly, meaning I am going to manage to finish this job. But then I realised that I've been sitting here pulling my hair out for the past couple of hours. I noticed I was doing it and also sort of didn't. It's a bit weird. When I overeat, I notice the whole time, but pulling my hair out I kind of dissociate while I'm doing it and am not totally aware of it.
So this is a reminder to myself: it's going better than the last contract but I still need a longish break from this kind of work, maybe forever in fact. But I don't need to decide the exact length of break right now, I just have to take it.
Also I feel ashamed that I can't stop. But at least I'm being honest with you all on here which forces me to be honest with myself. My T knows too.
We are dealing with things with all the strength we have, on a daily basis. Some days I'm stronger than others, I'm sure the same is true for you. Hang in there, we're hanging with you :hug:
Quote from: Blueberry on July 25, 2017, 01:00:31 AM
I feel ashamed that I can't stop.
Dear one, there's no shame in self-harm. Please don't add another layer of Bad to your coping mechanisms. :hug:
Thanks 3Roses and Candid for your validations and support. It means a lot. :hug:
blueberry,
the things you mentioned that you do for yourself, like brush your teeth and hair gently, shower, etc., are loving things - they are a part of the loving being you are that has been buried under the abuse and trauma for so long. just because we don't do kind, loving things to and for ourselves all the time every day doesn't mean we're not loving beings. not to my mind, anyway.
you are recognizing these lovely things you do for yourself, and that's progress, isn't it? you are probably doing them more often than in the past - more progress. we come at this 'loving ourselves' in dribs and drabs, stumbling sometimes, strong and at the ready other times. we aren't going to do loving things for ourselves perfectly, either.
as far as coping mechanisms go, we all have them, and we change them when and if we are able. there's no shame in that. we can't do it all all of the time. but i really believe that every time we do something kindly for ourselves, or do some type of self-harm less for ourselves, it's a small victory. in time, what with your realizations about what jobs to do and not to do, those victories will gather speed and strength.
picking and choosing what job you want to do in order to lessen self-harming behaviors sounds like a very loving thing to do for yourself. it sounds like something a loving being would do. you're getting there, blueberry. those small victories count. love and hugs to you, my dear.
I've been pulling my hair out for days. But it is somewhat better today, after I finally allowed myself to do what I've been wanting to do for a while work-wise. I still pulled some hair out while working on the relevant emails but a lot less bad than the previous week or so.
I often pull my hair out because I'm not doing what I really want to do, deep-down.
Tbh there's hardly a day goes by in my life when I don't pull at least one hair out. Recently it's got pretty out of control though.
In T I did a few rounds of EFT on I accept myself as I am today with all my perceived weaknesses and bad habits. That was good. My T also suggested I hug myself, which I did. Sounds a bit weird, but it worked. While I'm doing that, I can't pull any hair out. ;)
i've hugged myself at times, too, so i don't think it's weird. i don't know - it seems to me that if we didn't get enough hugs from others in our lives, why not give them to ourselves? it always felt good when i did it, so i think it must be a good thing to do.
i think that's a really good realization for yourself about why you pull your hair out. knowledge is the first step to understanding, and when we understand i think we are more easily able to make changes. are you able to know beforehand what it is you really want to do? or is it later that you figure it out?
i know that i don't always understand or know what i really want to do, but just feel some kind of generic disturbance that makes me uncomfortable. that's when i reach for food in an unhealthy way. i just want that feeling to go away, but since i don't know what's at its source at the time, i use a 'quick-fix' because i can't do what's appropriate for the situation.
i know i'm making progress because a lot of my unhealthy behaviors are no more. still, until i can more consistently figure out what that disturbance is in the moment, i'm still doing unhealthy things for myself. small steps, blueberry. they all count, tho. big hug to you filled with hope for the future.
Quote from: Blueberry on August 15, 2017, 03:15:01 PM
I often pull my hair out because I'm not doing what I really want to do, deep-down.
Do you want to tell us what that is? And why you're not doing it?
I hug myself, too. I often have my hands gripping my shoulders as I wait for sleep. It can be a very long wait. :roll:
Well, one thing I want to do is start translating children's books, for pay that is. The phone call later today, which I set up with my email the other day, is with a published translator of children's books. So that's one step in the right direction.
So when I'm pulling my hair out because I'm not doing what I want to do then it's probably a punishment for not being as brave as I think I should be and just getting on with it.
There's also the issue of "better the junk you know, than the junk you don't". I'm used to my depression, my worries etc. Familiar ground. Success e.g. just having this phone call a bit later can give rise to 'problems', which I will then have to deal with. Problems like - it could lead somewhere and I might have to start looking for and then start negotiating with publishing companies. Scary stuff. Especially if I listen to the past voices. But of course it's better to shut them out. Which I have just done.
Sometimes I want to go outside but I feel too vulnerable so sit at the computer reading news or comments on news or something. Then I tend to pull hair out because that's not obviously what I want. Some of it is self-punishment - hey, you should be outside, getting fresh air, stocking up for the winter on fresh air and sunshine, or working in the garden and what are you doing instead??? You are wasting time!
Quote from: Blueberry on August 17, 2017, 12:50:57 PM
Success e.g. just having this phone call a bit later can give rise to 'problems', which I will then have to deal with. Problems like - it could lead somewhere and I might have to start looking for and then start negotiating with publishing companies.
The phone call was very useful, and successful. Now I'm seeing what my next steps could involve and I'm not seeing them as problems. I'm also remembering that nobody has to accomplish all their steps in one day or anything. You just go bit by bit.
The translator I spoke to today was encouraging and said that the steps I have so far taken are good. People can often be quite discouraging, especially if they see you as competition.
Quote from: Candid on August 17, 2017, 06:45:40 AM
Quote from: Blueberry on August 15, 2017, 03:15:01 PM
I often pull my hair out because I'm not doing what I really want to do, deep-down.
Do you want to tell us what that is? And why you're not doing it?
Another thing I don't do though I may want to deep-down is: care for myself properly eg wash and / or brush my hair. When I don't do that, though I want to, I'll start pulling hair. That problem actually goes really far back to pre-teen years. I can't even write it down. Maybe a topic for Screen Processing in therapy? On the basic topic I've done quite a bit of work but not on the specific thing I can't write down right now.
TRIGGER WARNING
Some of it involves not wanting to exist. The more hair I pull out, the less I exist. Some of it is to do with shame. A lot of shame in my FOO involved with caring for yourself properly. M saw it as a weakness and I seemed to have absorbed that more than my sibs. Has its reasons. My M was particularly against girls and women showing 'weakness' and I was the only girl so...
Also there was this feeling that whatever I did, I'd lose. If I cared for myself properly eg with my hair then I would be humiliated, scorned, laughed at for it looking so stupid or this or that. And if I didn't care for myself properly, then I'd be yelled at for being so unkempt. But it didn't matter what I did, it would be wrong. I'm pretty sure I was still pre-teen when I decided not to act anymore at all because that took up energy, which I had so little of, and in the end whatever I did it was wrong anyway, so better not do anything was my thought on the matter. That certainly applied to self-care, I know that.
Enough realisations for this evening. It would make sense for me to go and work on some EFT or Screen Processing.
Hello my lovely. :hug:
Translating children's books and getting paid for it sounds fantastic, it really does. I know someone else who translates a specific author's work, because she loves their work. Oh to be fluent in another language!
I love children's books. You'll get the catharsis of reading them and putting you own interpretive spin on them, as every translator has to. Honestly, Blueberry, hats off to you for your enterprise and drive. Are you giving yourself enough credit for this?
QuoteThere's also the issue of "better the junk you know, than the junk you don't". I'm used to my depression, my worries etc. Familiar ground. Success e.g. just having this phone call a bit later can give rise to 'problems'...
I get this, I really do. For me there also used to be an element of
if I do something great (in my eyes), does Mother get the credit for how she raised me? That was a real shoot-myself-in-the-foot notion.
QuoteScary stuff. Especially if I listen to the past voices. But of course it's better to shut them out. Which I have just done.
I'm not sure if this was a LOL for you, but the way you wrote it was one for me.
QuoteSometimes I want to go outside but I feel too vulnerable so sit at the computer reading news or comments on news or something.
Yeah, me too.
Advice that's okay because it's also a NTS:
Give yourself a break!![quotehey, you should be outside, getting fresh air, stocking up for the winter on fresh air and sunshine, or working in the garden and what are you doing instead??? You are
wasting time![/quote]
I call it relaxing on the porch with my mates.
You're one of my OOTS heroes, dear one. I hope you know that. :worship:
wow, blueberry. wow on so many levels. congrats on that phone call - excellent progress and i'm glad it went well. small steps and they all count. i believe that with these small steps, we will also get used to the things that have seemed uncomfortable for us at a slower, less scary pace. i think you're right on track with that.
those realizations do sound like tapping targets and/or topics to discuss with your t. learning at such an early age that whatever you do is wrong sounds to me like the perfect prescription for stopping doing anything. i hope that you can begin some self-talk or tapping that will start bringing different messages to your mind. maybe every time you self-care - brushing your hair, bathing, etc., you could do a small acknowledgement for yourself that here was one more time you showed the world that you deserve to exist and deserve to take care of yourself the best way you can, that you're getting stronger in your 'self'. no one else is judging you now.
this is tough stuff to overcome, of that there is no doubt. it sounds like you're making progress, tho, and that's inspirational for everyone who struggles like this. one step in front of the other, sweetie. big hug. you're doing it.
Thank you dear San :hug: Reading your reply moves me. Helps me realise how difficult things are for me sometimes and so how great it is when I do take action and move forwards.
Thank you Candid for praise and kudos-giving and your enthusiasm about my projects!