Out of the Storm

This is part 2 of a thread I think is an important one to carry on with. 

Thanks for carrying this thread over! It has inspired me to read more fully through the original. I am just finally coming to realize my own EFs and they are still really confusing to me. It does help so much to know what they are.

Physically
-Always on edge
-Always exhausted (no matter how much sleep I do or don't manage)
- Tense, like my muscles just never relax
- Never hungry, like my body doesn't remember that need

Emotionally
-My mind races a million miles an hour, spinning around whatever trigger the EF
- I don't feel safe at all, every where feels dangerous
- A need to run away, and hide.

I feel like I need to hide, runaway, not look at people.
I want to disappear.
Deep shame.
On the edge of tears.
Feeling like I want to die.
I let something upsetting spiral out of control.
Obsessing about what started it.
I feel like I am not in control.

My feelings per EF's:

...guilty that I'm still so fragile and vulnerable.
...scared that my strongest efforts to grow have all failed me; and that I've thus failed myself.
...wondering why, when there is no why I'll ever find.
...wary of moving on or having the energy to try.
...sure I'll never make it out of this trap.
...angry that these can happen almost anytime, from/with anyone, that it's so 'normal'.
...needy and greedy to know I'm okay, a good/loving person, and that I am better at discernment, but most importantly...

...seeing hopeful signs that my original abusers and those that followed (sensing my vulnerabilities) can no longer hurt me, and that I'll be able to discard this list someday.

Very much aware of bodily reactions...

Feeling nausea in waves
Feeling tearful emotion rise up but not reaching my eyes usually
Palpitations
Intense dread
Urge to sleep to escape.
Doing anything feels like climbing a mountain.
Afraid of even small tasks that involve leaving the house.
Avoiding phone calls.
Overthinking and repetitive thoughts.
Pessimistic thoughts.
Sense of extreme pointlessness of my existence.
Nervous energy/adrenaline rushes plus exhaustion.

- Feeling exhausted, or a sudden drop in energy
- Brain fog / my brain is blank
- Unexplained low-level pain in my arms, hands
- more but can't write atm

Some or all of these are pretty standard:

- Shaking
- Panicked
- Can't form coherent thoughts or words
- Irritable
- Sullen
- Antisocial
- Fatigued
- Headachey and nauseous
- Overwhelming desire to 'run'
- Need to spend money
- Easily upset and very teary
- Scared of everything/anxious

And in very extreme cases:

- Suicidal
- Self-harming/substance abusing
- Prone to fits of rage

Like I am being shouted at by a very angry person but I have disappeared so far inside myself I can't hear the words, I am just waiting for the storm to pass, or for me to die so it will end. Aching from the tension. Hot, flushed, shame, dread of what might happen next. Incapable of speaking or thinking. Or, more recently I cried, was completely unable to stop.

Or, if I have to ask for something, meek and shy, hardly able to meet the other person's eyes. Hot and embarrassed.

*****Trigger Warning****

As I just had one earlier today .... It took over before I realized what was happening. The memory flashed before my eyes and brought me right back to the event. I felt like my heart was racing, my stomach was in knots, My breath was very shallow and rapid. I could feel the terror I felt then, feel him there. It was horrible. I had not realized before that this was an EF - i just thought I was overreacting. Now I know better.
**** End Trigger Warning****

I'm just grateful to have a place to share with people who understand.
Texannurse

I'm in the midst of a series of post-surgery physical therapy sessions. This hasn't started well, mainly due to EF's brought on by the room, people manipulating sensitive areas, just a general atmosphere rife with suggestive imagery and physical/mental sensations which result in so many of the symptoms described in previous posts. At one point I wasn't sure I'd be able to continue.  :stars:

I did finally seem to make it clear to one of the PT's what and why this was affecting me so badly. I'm thinking, and hoping, she'll have some adjustments (such as working in an area apart from the main general purpose treatment area filled with people--rationally I know they're no danger, but the emotional flutters are easily triggered in that environment).

The emotional pain on top of the physical recovery process has me discouraged but I hope I can stay with it, and feel able to get past these ghost-like terrors.

• Angry self-hatred.
• Emotional discomfort.
• Withdrawing to be alone.
• I go from uncomfortable with kind words to further triggered by kind words.
• I no longer tolerate being touched.
• Depression.  Usually for about two days.
• Loss of appetite.
• Loss of concentration.
• Loss of motivation
• Crying.

I have two kinds.

Panic type:

• Panic, fear of death, sense of impending doom
• Stiff, frozen, movement feels disjointed
• Desire to run and hide
• Pain in jaw, face, neck, and chest
• Extreme shaking, grinding teeth
• Holding breath
• Sense of being small, young; sometimes amnesia of adult life
• Confusion, dizziness, nausea, headache

Anger type:

• Extreme self-hate, denial of goodness in self
• Extreme shame, self-disgust
• Tense, clenching jaw and fists, restless
• Self-harm/suicide desire
• Hot, nauseous
• Feeling like I'll lose control or explode
• Hearing a voice in my mind telling me horrible things about myself

Like CepheidVox, two kinds of EFs...

There are short but frequent episodes, like depressive spills.
- Bored/Unmotivated
- Down/Empty
- Feelings of hopelessness/worthlessness
- Apathetic
- Isolated
- Unwanted
- Guilt

And another type, caused by one or more of the major triggers...
- Dissociation/Alter Swap
- Fear/Difficulty breathing
- Frozen/Stuck
- Schizophrenic like thoughts
- Panic

Me too, two types... one feels more like panic. It's overwhelming, soul-crunching, absolute self hatred. It's like a huge wave that scorches me and keeps going till I'm too low to take it anymore, only then will it stop.
It's impossible to put into words, they aren't strong enough to touch the surface of how bad these are. Maybe partly because my abuse is ongoing.

The second is anger, but not normal anger. More like fury, very strong. I feel abducted by it and forced to act on it despite every effort I make to calm down nothing works.

I think both are the same though, they both have physical signs of anxiety.
Emotionally maybe they both originate from helplessness, together with... this may sound "funny" because I've always felt this way even as a toddler, but they always appear when I feel a strong sense of moral injustice. When I think "This isn't right" either because of behavior toward me or directed at someone else. Combined together they lead to wild freaking-outness.

Cat, thank you so much for compiling this list and keeping the conversation going. I didn't fully understand what EF was before this board but being able to compare others' symptoms with my experience has been so enlightening. You are wonderful :applause:

I also wanted to add a cognitive symptom which I think is probably just dissocation but I'm still not 100% clear on that so...
- feeling outside of reality, like I've made it all up, or like I can't possibly be remembering things right
- feeling crazy

I have a few

One is that I collapse inside, can't talk, be near people, make eye contact, just locked in my head. I remember this state, lasts for hours or days.

Another is like Ah, anger at unfairness, threat, bullying of self or others, mine is a quiet rage, in enforcement it is called the danger signs, fixed stare, hands raise to chest level, rapid shallow breathing, unable to hear or talk, it is the hind brain taking over. I have attacked when in that condition but usually the person causing threat moves away. I used to think it was a fight reaction but I think it is actually a defence reaction or interrupted freeze, if the person moves away I go back to freeze, or if i become physical but the other person does not continue fighting me I immediately stop and move away somewhere safer and freeze. Lasts while I perceive direct physical threat, usually lasts minutes at most.

The third one is the most bizarre, I zone out with rapid blinking for up to 40 minutes then snap back with no memory I've been away. Lost time/amnesia.

All of them happen so quickly, in an instant, no warning at all, just...boom!

Mine vary quite a lot, and one "type" can spontaneously turn into another "type".  They vary in severity and duration, and can include any mixture of these:

Physical:
- Racing heart
- Adrenaline release
- Gut problems (won't go into specifics)
- Headaches
- Lethargy
- Cramps
- Feeling like I've been run over by a train

Mental:
- Abject confusion ("Where am I?" thoughts etc)
- Terror
- Feeling irritable and 'jumpy'
- Wishing to retreat and hide
- Only seeing others as 'bad' and too dangerous to approach
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Anger (sometimes rage)
- Self doubt
- Suicidal ideation
- Strong compulsion to drink / take drugs (dulls the effects of a flashback)

It can be hard to remember sometimes that there can be life outside flashback (which much of the time I am slowly trying to reclaim), but recently some symptoms have allowed me to know that a flashback is in progress, specifically wanting to die, and beginning to take steps towards that unsavoury goal.  Also, when I wake up either depressed or confused, I know that worse will shortly follow.  Today, I am in flashback, but luckily on the more mild end.  Right now I have a racing heartbeat, bit f a headache (probably because blood pressure has been through the roof all day), and a very heightened sense of danger and foreboding. It feels like I'm in immediate danger, but running will not dull that sensation.  Hopefully when I get home this evening I can lock the doors and try some self-soothing to try and feel safe again...

Incredibly accelerated heart rate
Tightness/hot feeling in chest
Rapid breathing
Intense guilt
Intense feelings of being in danger
Intense feeling that I forgot something important
Intense feeling that I am going to be verbally assaulted

More I'm sure but that's all that comes to mind at the moment

My EF feelings:

Trapped
Out of control
Intense anger
Confusion

Unfortunately these seem to happen over very trivial things, and on a daily basis.  Although they do not last long, and I usually do an OK job of hiding them, sometimes I show or say too much.  This can bring on a ton of guilt and shame in the aftermath when I realize it was just me reacting over something really unimportant.

My EFs:

-Intense sadness (to the point of sobbing/screaming)
-Avoiding eye contact
-Acting small, talking in a small voice
-Avoiding help from people/isolating behaviours
-Suicidal urges/self-hate
-Other self-destructive behaviour/urges like wanting to starve myself, purposely not leaving bed in the morning, saying I'll never talking to anyone again even though I want to, etc.
-Rage usually makes an appearance
-Helplessness of such that I'll know what I need to do to get help, or get out of the spiral, but will refuse
-I'll panic if I'm around other people because I don't want them to see/help
-Wanting to run and hide
-My chest gets this weird feeling--kind of like relief but I'm not sure. Just this different kind of tension in a way?

That's all I got for now. I'm sure there are more subtle EFs I have yet to discover.

This thread is very helpful, so grateful to have my CPTSD confirmed by all these posts.  I relate to them all.

As I gain more awareness of my cptsd, I try to understand my EFs.  There is definitely several kinds, depends on the trigger.  I have been experiencing one lately, the intensity comes and goes; but I haven't been able to shake it yet.

The one trigger that I know all too well is when I feel being taken advantage of.  The "it's not fair" theme starts playing... :dramaqueen:

I feel...
~ deeply sad
~ deeply hurt
~ persecuted
~ blamed
~ injustice
~ incensed
~ misunderstood
~ stuck
~ helpless
~ confused
~ light-headed
~ irritable
~ anxious
~ depressed

which makes me want to...
~ dissociate
~ sleep
~ hide
~ protect myself
~ leave
~ not do anything
~ not take care of myself
~ lash out
~ obsess
~ overthink
~ overreact

And, I won't let anyone be nice to me, as that just makes it worse... :blink:

Basically I I feel like I'm in a fog.  And now I can tell when I've come out of it.  I can see again!  I will all of a sudden realize that I'm present again, and it has passed.

They feel long.

They seem to have different layers, or vary in depth. I can feel a bit EF-y. Or I can be in a full-blown EF. I can be a bit EF-y for days or even weeks. I can exist and go about day-to-day things, but everything's a bit harder than when i've come through the EF.

Mine vary. In the last one the only purpose to life was eating. It feels like a much deeper thing than Flight into addictive behaviour. It's not the first time I've had that either. (We've tried to get behind it in therapy but so far no luck.)

I was also exceedingly irritable, ready to fly off the handle verbally at the slightest provocation.

Hello everone, I am new here. Sending love, this forum has already helped me a lot ♡
Mine vary but primarily I cannot regulate my temperature, going between feeling like my skin is literally burning off and I run a fever to being so cold to my core that nothing helps.
I end up quite nauseated which usually triggers my emetophobia. I cannot speak or move and my mouth becomes dry and nothing looks familiar. They can last hours and hours.
Again, sending love to u all bc I know this *. We can fight this together ♡♡♡

* My inner-critic becomes overly active telling me I'm worthless, no good and that I'll never change ...

* I get hit with anxiety attacks and become afraid to be around others (they'll discover how rotten I am) ...

* I isolate and dissociate, attempting to hide physically and mentally, from my fears ...

* I lose the ability to stay in the present moment and/or to think healthy, positive thoughts ...

* I feel small, alone, and abandoned like I did as a child ...


Before I took advantage of any kind of therapy or recovery programs these feelings would lead me into some very destructive behaviours such as alcohol and drug abuse, dangerous activities or purposely hurting myself. In the present I just try to hang on till they pass. Thankfully the EF's are becoming shorter and less frequent, I agree with the last post by HallieChristine, "We can fight this together." Thanks to all who take part in this forum!


Luke

I can't follow conversation - That is far too much
Public transport hand rail? I hold onto it for 'Dear Life'
Trembling left arm - Impossible to stop at times and people are watching
"Can people see what's happening inside of me??? I wish they could".
I need someone to listen and Knows Exactly! What this feels like - Please God send to me

HallieChristine,

I also get burning skin sensations and in my eyes. I had it earlier this morning. I know at this point I have to ground. Took me 3 hours but eventually after singing along to a powerful piece of music I felt emotion be allowed to exist.

And now, my skin doesn't feel as hot.

Good going Laura! Keeping going for 3 hours to re-ground  :)  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I just had one yesterday, so it's fresh in my memory.

• Hysterical crying, lying on floor. Sometimes crying so hard I hyperventilate and can't breathe. The crying can last for hours. <-- Does anyone have this?
• Pure fury/rage. At myself and the one who triggered it (usually Husband).
• A swirl of competing thoughts and emotions, like a "stack overflow" if you will.
• Very difficult to form sentences. Many thoughts, but they all seem "wrong" to vocalize in some way. Sometimes stutter or repeat the same word or phrase over and over.
• Sometimes a desire to hurt self, and rarely, acting on this desire. It's an internal battle of willpower not to.
• Sometimes a desire to die.
• A desire to throw, smash, tear up, or destroy objects, slam doors, etc. and not infrequently, acting on this desire.
• Sometimes screaming violently.
• A feeling that I am the most loathsome, horrible, unlovable, unworthy creature, and that I am being rejected by the entire world.
• My needs feel so big and vast and impossible to fulfill. I desperately want them to be fulfilled, but I feel like I don't deserve to have them be, because they are too big and too unreasonable, and I have absolutely no right to ask that or inflict that upon anybody. I feel horrible for merely having them.
• I feel like a monster for behaving this way.

Does any of this sound familiar? Particularly the hysterical crying. For some reason, it only recently occurred to me that my set of behaviors could be a psychological phenomenon that happens to others, not only me, and started to educate myself on it. For years, I used to call this a "schema attack," and my understanding was that schema attacks can look quite different from person to person and depending on the schema. I only just learned the term "EF" yesterday! And still learning more about it. Maybe it would help me feel a little less alien/monster if I knew that others had similar behavior. Thanks for this thread.

Truly awful and terrifying to sum it up..
I feel i cant cope and my brain is racing so fast. Thoughts stream one after the other so fast i can't process.
Mental fog and retaining information is really difficult.
Racing heart and breathing
Fear and terror
Shaking hands
Self harm and suicidal thinking
Self hatred
Obsessive thoughts of what i need to attend to in my life - perfectionist thinking which makes me feel more out of control.
Thoughts of 'i don't know who i am'
Dreaming and waking early
High social problems really hard to interact with others
Severe feelings of shame
Feeling very lonely and cut off
Feeling like im my m and even seeing i look like her (which i don't
Feelings of detachment
Exhaustion
Heavy body

a_bunny asked:  "Does any of this sound familiar?"

Unfortunately, all of it does. The encouraging part is recognizing the ef's when they happen and/or shortly thereafter. The discouraging side includes the repetitive nature of the reactions/symptoms, not to mention the unexpected triggers that might emerge on short notice. In my case, it makes me want to hide and never come out again  :'(.

Recently I managed to recognise an EF before it really hit, so I was able to head it off. My T said that would come sometime. That's encouraging too.

:hug: if you like, woodsgnome

I agree woodsgnome.
And the repetitive nature of it doesn't even make it easier ...it feels like the first time all over again. Then when I'm out of it (can take days to stabilise) i feel like it will never happen again .....until the next time that is ..
Yes blueberry being able to manage before full blow is very encouraging

I think I'm back in a different EF though. I don't even really want to take the steps to get out of it. Oh well. Wanting to will come again.

Blueberry i can understand that ...being our own nurse when we are the patient makes no sense at all...
Small steps to.self.love

Thanks for validation and encouragement Boatssetsail  :)

I feel a little frightened talking about this.

Never mind. 15151515

For me it's the feeling that I am about to come under attack or I am in danger. That I have to protect myself and/or justify my actions to infinity. My back feels super bruised and it's hard to move my body. My heart rate jumps. My breathing gets ragged like I'm jogging. I break into a cold sweat. Tears stream from my eyes but I'm not physically sobbing. I feel terrified that I am going to be abandoned but I also have a primal need to distance myself from everyone. My outer critic is on hyperdrive. My inner critic is vicious.
I am so happy that I see these EF for what they actually are. I'm not crazy, I'm traumatized.

One I've only just realised is an EF: When I think I have no goals and even have nothing left to live for plus a feeling of absolute desperation.

Having written that, maybe I'll recognise it next time it crops up.