I've been away from the board because of some problems that I didn't feel able to talk about here. It was a complicated situation that I didn't know how to deal with. It built into a crisis and is now largely resolved. What was very different for me was that I was forced to trust without any control or clear understanding of a solution. I threw control and caution to the wind. Instead of focusing on what to do, I had to trust myself to choose who I could and could not trust to help me, and act accordingly. I felt helpless in not knowing, and had to be vulnerable. It felt like throwing myself onto the 'mercy of the court'.
I found great kindness and understanding. I felt deeply accepted because I was outside my usual sense of control and felt such enormous relief in my trust being met with trustworthiness. Such a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I've so seldom felt that because of my need to be in control. In crises I've had a habit of turning, in panic, to the last people on earth I should trust, because untrustworthy people are familiar, the pattern is familiar, there is a kind of control in it.
The situation arose and developed out of my inability to recognise who was and wasn't safe, and a kind of compulsive need to keep going long after a particular unsafe person had proven herself to be untrustworthy. Looking back, there were so many signs before the situation arose that I should keep away. I remember conversations with my previous therapist, trying to figure out why I felt as I did. That therapy relationship undermined my already under-acknowledged gut feelings, in this and so many other situations. What I really needed to be more in touch with them, and to learn to respect my instincts, to take a step back when my warning system was repeatedly alerted, to trust myself more.
I trusted myself to listen to myself beyond intellectual understanding and to recognise the familiarity in treachery. To seek help from the unfamiliar.
I hope this makes some kind of sense. Explaining the details of the actual situation would take so many thousands of words, but this was the essence for me.
So glad you're back! Your story makes perfect sense, and I'm happy you found kindness and understanding.
I'm so glad you are back too!!! It sounds like you have learned and grown from a difficult situation. It is really hard for survivors to be able to tell who to trust or to even listen to ourselves when we do know. I hope you realize that you are not alone in that struggle.
Missed you!
:hug:
o radical, so glad you're back and that you were able to allow that vulnerability, and that self-trust to take you to a safe and positive resolution. well done! this is great news, and makes total sense. i'm so smiling at you right now. love and hugs.