The night before I left we were eating dinner and I was tormenting myself with how to tell them. Do I write them a letter to read (in front of me), do I record something, do I try to speak it? So I asked them, if I had something hard to say, how would you want to know? Would it be a letter? Would it be just saying it? They wouldn't let it go. I get that, I put it out there and didn't want to finish it. So as they badgered me I thought, why torment myself any longer, just tell them. I have wrote it, practiced it, planned it, so just do it.
I told them their grandfather was in prison. I told them for assault. They somehow got that I believed he was guilty. I told them I put him there. They asked how, if I testified against him? I said they are going to find out. If they research their family or their grandfather, or try to get a security clearance. They will eventually find out. Then I said it was me. They said they didn't want to know. BUT, they would rather know from me than the internet. Then my son went to his room. My daughter talked about knitting. I excused myself to my bedroom and broke down. In the morning I left before they were awake. I came home and we haven't spoke of it.
When I did tell them I asked them if they want to see someone? Would they come to therapy with me? They were adamant about not wanting to talk to someone. Now it's the elephant in the room. I wish, wish, wish, it never happened.
Oh Dee,
You are so brave in doing this. Your children are young and afraid. They are unlikely to know how to process this.
Sending you so much love, dear Dee. I know how hard this is for all of you, and I know you will get there, just not in one go.
This may be the hardest thing you ever do, in a life of seeming insurmountable difficulties. I believe in you!
I'm so sorry you are hurting over this. What has your therapist said about telling them?
I think it's another important step toward more healing, for you and your kids. Big hugs to you! :bighug:
I see my therapist tomorrow. I'm not sure I really even want to talk about it. I suppose when I don't feel like talking about something it is when I need to talk about it the most.
Quote from: Dee on August 13, 2017, 04:30:50 AM
They said they didn't want to know. BUT, they would rather know from me than the internet. Then my son went to his room. My daughter talked about knitting. I excused myself to my bedroom and broke down. In the morning I left before they were awake. I came home and we haven't spoke of it.
When I did tell them I asked them if they want to see someone? Would they come to therapy with me? They were adamant about not wanting to talk to someone. Now it's the elephant in the room. I wish, wish, wish, it never happened.
Dee, that must have been SO hard on you, and I'm sorry you had to care-take other people's feelings while dealing with your own. It happens that way far too often.
Quote from: Three Roses on August 13, 2017, 08:46:08 AM
I think it's another important step toward more healing, for you and your kids.
I agree with Three Roses. The surgeon's knife hurts before it heals. This needed to be got out, and the rawness of it will fade with time.
Quote from: Dee on August 13, 2017, 03:14:46 PM
I suppose when I don't feel like talking about something it is when I need to talk about it the most.
It definitely is, Dee. We're all with you. :hug:
Dee, you are so brave, so courageous. I agree with 3Roses that it's another step towards healing for you and your children. Healing isn't easy, don't we all know it?
Your kids probably need time to come to terms with this, and they may want to talk to someone sometime. Sending you :hug: :hug:
Therapy went well today. She said I did well and it was timely. Now she wants me to check in with them and not let it be the elephant in the room. Ask them what they did with it? Did they look it up? I think that when I told them it was on the internet it would be natural for them to check it out. So I guess this is how dialogue begins.
The one thing I appreciated from my T was when I told her they said the they didn't want to know, she normalized that. No one wants to know that. However, that doesn't mean they can escape knowing. Also, she said it was natural to say they didn't want to talk to someone.
I feel better today, but I know it is just the beginning.
:hug:
This is add much for them add it is for you, in my opinion. Hang in there! We're here to talk & listen whenever you need. <3
Dee, well done.
The whole thing sounds like a difficult step, but you have accomplished it while demonstrating such tenderness towards your children.
Be kind to yourself on this exhausting journey.
So many hugs!!!!!!!
Dee, I think you can be so proud of yourself by breaking the cycle of abuse. It's so hard and you deserve to be happy. Your kids will maybe understand when they are older. I think you did good by telling them.
Lingurine
Quote from: Three Roses on August 14, 2017, 08:05:12 PM
:hug:
This is as much for them as it is for you, in my opinion. Hang in there! We're here to talk & listen whenever you need. <3
Quote from: Dee on August 14, 2017, 07:07:23 PM
Now she wants me to check in with them and not let it be the elephant in the room.
My first instinct was to recoil at this. Point at the elephant, when everyone's trying not to see it? Never!
Then I thought the elephant marching along beside my FOO, how frustrating that was, and how much it distanced us all from each other. It would have been a huge relief if someone (other than me!) had talked about it openly.
QuoteThe one thing I appreciated from my T was when I told her they said the they didn't want to know, she normalized that. No one wants to know that. However, that doesn't mean they can escape knowing. Also, she said it was natural to say they didn't want to talk to someone.
All that resonates, in my head and my heart. They don't want to talk to 'someone', they want to talk to you and to each other. My only reservation is that you've been through so much recently, and it takes guts to raise an issue that's going to make everyone feel awkward.
You've got guts, Dee. And because I'm not a mother myself, thank you for some insight into the actions of one who truly loves her children.
I followed my therapist advice, and nothing. I even joked asking what did they did with it? I said, I got on a plane, what did you do? My daughter laughed and said she shut the door. My son made some grunting noise. They both said they don't want to talk about it. I let it go.
I feel like this is my fault. I'm not sure I have ever said when I have been hurt by something. I never wanted my kids to feel like they need to parent the parent. I also never wanted them to shut down when something uncomfortable happens.
I'll leave it again until therapy next week. My son leaves home in six weeks, my daughter in 12. There are more important things to focus on. At least now if it comes up in their life it won't be such a shock to them.
I appreciate all of your support. This has been really hard for me.
Dee, this isn't your fault. None of this is your fault.
This is really hard for all of you and it's going to take some time. My feeling is you are going to have to say "I need...". It's not 'parenting the parent'. They are afraid, and in their fear they are not able to acknowledge the pain this is causing you. Your feelings matter, this is huge for you, even though your children are afraid and confused.
I know you will all get through this and be stronger together for having gone through it.
I so feel for you, for how hard this is.
Sending love.
dee, i'm sorry i'm so late here. got caught up in daughter stuff and missed this.
first, i want to tell you that i echo everyone else about your courage and strength in doing this. i think you really did good.
second, TW an example from my own experience. my ex, the father of my daughters, is a sex addict, and has been inappropriate with them. from what i know, it's been words and thoughts only. d#1 told me about some of it, i knew of some of it from when she was young and took it to therapy. that was the icky t, who only told him his behavior was 'inappropriate'.
d#2 knew nothing of any of it. d#1 told me sexual stuff he'd said about d#2, and told me i could tell her. i'd already told d#1 that if she was with him and she got those icky feelings/vibes off him, to leave that space, get away from him. she also began wearing different, bulkier clothing when around him.
i was visiting d#2 for a week and knew that i had to tell her, to protect her. she was in her late 20's, and was devastated. i gave her the same advice as i gave d#1. they've both decided they want to have him in their lives. a few times in the past few years it's come up with d#2, and she immediately says she doesn't want to talk about him. she's in her mid-30's now, and has the same attitude.
a few weeks ago, the subject came up again, she told me that d#1 had recanted her story. i told d#2 that i had confronted him and he didn't deny it. she immediately said that she didn't want to talk about him.
i guess with kids, they have to take their own time to process such intense information. yours said they'd rather not learn about it from the internet. i think that's what you need to remember and know - they would want to hear it from you. you did the right thing for them. they asked their questions, and they need to sit with it for now.
you followed up with them, got their responses. that's probably all they're able to do for now. it may come up again sometime in the future, and i think it best to follow their lead. you did good, dee, did what was important for them. my own d is wrestling with this still, and she's older. it will work out. i have to have faith in that for my own situation, so i have faith in that for yours. it will be ok. much love and a big hug for you.
Sometimes it is just nice to hear that you did good and it's not your fault. Thank you.
Dee, you did good! They wanted to know from you rather than from the Internet. You let them know.
None of it's your fault. It's the fault of your F. :hug: :hug: to you.