My ego is so shattered that I can't even handle someone say something that are posted in general. Everything feels like a personal attack against me. A little bit ago someone said something that they said was in general. Then I start feeling exhausted and my heart start racing and I start replaying times when I have been told I was wrong in my head. Wrong is on repeat. I cried and I am asking myself maybe I am wrong because I don't even trust my mind anymore. My experiences are not all that bad so maybe I am just a big baby.
I hate this. I hate that I can't even say this hurt me because what if I am wrong about that too.
I used to have my life in better control. Now I feel like I am at the mercy of anything that can trigger that feeling of being wrong or bad.
barbidoll,
If it doesn't trigger you, here's a :bighug: If it does trigger you, then ignore the hug.
I quite often want to just sleep and not think and not feel. And I quite often do just that. I know it's an escape, but it's more healthy for me than quite a few things I might otherwise do. Are you in a situation where you can allow yourself to do just that?
If you feel hurt, you feel hurt. That can't actually be wrong.
You're not just a big baby. Lots of us on here thought for decades that our experiences weren't that bad and some of us still think it from time to time even though we really know otherwise. Mostly our FOO told us to stop making a fuss about nothing / that other children had it far worse / that our parents themselves had had it far worse / that we were weak crybabies etc etc.
But our experiences were bad. Bad enough to lead to C-PTSD, which all of us on here have. You too. You don't have to compete any more with 'worse hurt'.
If you can handle any more, it sounds as if you're in an EF, see here
"Emotional flashbacks (EFs) are one of the most common symptoms of CPTSD and involve mild to intense feeling states (e.g., anger, shame, fear) that were felt in past trauma, and are layered over present day situations. For example, a person who grew up with a parent who was angry and abusive may react with sudden intense fear to a minor conflict at work and not understand what is happening or why because often people with CPTSD do not connect these feelings to past trauma. Emotional flashbacks are contrasted by the visual flashbacks experienced withPTSD where sufferer sees the traumatic event replayed in their mind's eye. For additional information please see Pete Walker's article on (EF's) here" - http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf
I jsut noticed that you posted under CPTSD in Adulthood, so my explanation about FOO's treatment may not suit, but rest assured somewhere in your past, even if it was your adult past, something occurred that was bad enough to shatter your sense of self.
Thank you for the hug.
I am going to see if my little one can nap so I can too. That is if I can fall asleep. I often become anxious when I lay down to sleep.
I don't know why I keep doubting how bad my experience has been but it keeps popping in my head.
I hate these things because it feels like any shred of self worth I have is just gone and I can't even speak up because what if it leads to more judging. Today's sucked because I am trying to come to terms with what is going on with me but I am struggling with self doubt even in the best situations and then suddenly it felt like I was being pointed at and told you are all wrong. It just suddenly felt so defeated. Not the first time in my life where I have felt that way but this was the first time in a long time I have felt it so deeply and painfully.
I don't know any of that makes sense. I am struggling with understanding myself these days so not sure how to explain myself well.
I have childhood stuff too. i just don't know where I fall since I have the adult stuff too. I believed for a very long time that mg childhood stuff was dealt with but I coming to believe that I was lying to myself for a long time.
Quote from: barbidoll on October 01, 2017, 06:29:02 PM
I don't know why I keep doubting how bad my experience has been but it keeps popping in my head.
I hate these things because it feels like any shred of self worth I have is just gone and I can't even speak up because what if it leads to more judging. Today's sucked because I am trying to come to terms with what is going on with me but I am struggling with self doubt even in the best situations and then suddenly it felt like I was being pointed at and told you are all wrong. It just suddenly felt so defeated. Not the first time in my life where I have felt that way but this was the first time in a long time I have felt it so deeply and painfully.
What you write makes sense to me. If you suddenly feel an emotion much more deeply and painfully than ever before, then that can really knock you for six. That happened to me recently. It was really hard. It's great that you reached out here. :cheer: That's a positive step.
I hope your little one has a nap so you have some time for yourself, maybe even manage a nap yourself.
As for where you belong on here, since you have adult stuff and childhood stuff: you can post where you like, but I think there are more people reading and writing on childhood threads because for most of us I think it started out there. At some point, there was a request for an adult thread, because I suppose some stuff under childhood doesn't fit adult-onset trauma. I didn't notice first what thread you were writing under and what you did write sounded very much like the result of childhood trauma. So that's what I assumed.
Maybe I will go over to the childhood side then. I am not sure where I belong though but that is a whole life thing for me.
I've been there and done it. Slept for nearly 2 weeks solid. I was told it's fatigue from my mind being in stress over drive and tiring out my body that just couldnt keep up and that made perfect sense. Maybe its the same for you I'm not sure. If it is then I truly hope you get some respite from the stress because it is a valid physical exhaustion and you deserve to be looked after too. big hugs
I feel so exhausted so easily these days. Sometimes just getting my kids where they need to be feels like an effort. I can't sleep around the clock because of the kids and even then when I lay down I can be exhausted but I just can't fall asleep right for awile. Today I did rest a a little I am not sure if I slept much but I just felt so beaten down. I do feel like I am at a breaking point right now. It's just too much and then trying to deal with all these self doubts on top of it. I feel like I am in a pit emotionally, psychologically and financially and there is no way out. I feel trapped. It sucks.
Hey Barbidoll,
I'm very sorry this is happening. I have all too often felt what you are saying and feeling.
You are not wrong, your feelings are real and valid, and you belong wherever you feel the need to post. Adult or child. This forum is here for you as it is anyone else.
I know that I can write quite 'over assertively' sometimes, a bit raw. My intention is never to put someone else here down, never. I put it down to my tendency to fight and plough on, and also the lack of physical tone of voice here. So if I've ever said anything that has given you a shread of doubt, please accept my apology for that.
I hope you get that rest you need xo
Sorry to hear about all this barbidoll. I hope you will get your calm soon and that the fatigue goes away. I know how you feel, I really do. I sleep so much and every small thing feels like such a tremendous task. I sympathise.
Quote from: barbidoll on October 02, 2017, 02:31:01 AM
I feel so exhausted so easily these days. Sometimes just getting my kids where they need to be feels like an effort. I can't sleep around the clock because of the kids and even then when I lay down I can be exhausted but I just can't fall asleep right for awile. Today I did rest a a little I am not sure if I slept much but I just felt so beaten down. I do feel like I am at a breaking point right now. It's just too much and then trying to deal with all these self doubts on top of it. I feel like I am in a pit emotionally, psychologically and financially and there is no way out. I feel trapped. It sucks.
:bighug: :bighug: With writing about which forum etc I lost sight of the main point of your message. You're completely and utterly exhausted and you've got kids to look after so you can't just crawl into bed for a couple of weeks like some of us.
Sometimes just getting
myself where I need to be is a huge effort, sometimes I even fail at it. I can't imagine what it would be like if I had kids.
:grouphug: for you, if you like, you're in the middle surrounded by others who are taking up the slack for you.
Thanks guys! I have been feeling so lost and alone. I feel like a failure because even dealing with my kids can exhaust me and have my head spinning. I love them and I worry about not doing right by them and it is scary that I am not always present for them. I am here but my mind seems to be elsewhere. And I don't have anyone to lean on and just say let me just take some of that load. I have had points where I am running around feeling like I need to do something, I need to make this better, if I am not doing something to make it better then I am a failure.
Someone said something about if it was something they said but it was somewhere else. Besides my brain seems to be trying to turn everything I should feel shame for. Someone can say, not in reference to me but in general, that poor people are just lazy. And I will feel shame and attacked. Sometimes I will get really angry too. Mostly it is shame though. Last week when my kids bus was late I was literally thinking up how I might have messed up because the bus wasn't coming. Last year when I bumped my car into a pole I was so consumed with shame I was thinking I didn't deserve the car. That I was probably better off without it because I am not a good enough driver. I think I even avoided driving it for awhile too. When I hear a horn honk when I am driving I jump and immediately think that I did something wrong. Heck I think I do that when I am walking too. I have been so consumed with shame that I have apologized to my oldest child for my relationship choices. She is actually in college, working, has her own place but I still feel like I failed her. Like I am not worthy of her attention and love. There are so many things that evoke these feelings that I am really not sure there is a way to avoid them. I cam talk myself out of just about anything because what if I am wrong? I can have someone validate my decision but within minutes start questioning. I am a mess.
I really do appreciate all the kind and positive thoughts. Knowing that I am not the only one helps at least helps me to feel a little less isolated and crazy.
Quote from: barbidoll on October 02, 2017, 02:49:30 PM
I feel like a failure because even dealing with my kids can exhaust me and have my head spinning. I love them and I worry about not doing right by them and it is scary that I am not always present for them.
Replace "kids" with "pets" and that was me too. It still would be if I hadn't decided to find a better home for my little furry friends a few weeks ago. Not something you can do with children so easily. Nor would you want to generally. One of the reasons I knew I had to give them up was when I didn't make it to vet appointments twice, though one of my pets desperately needed to go. My pets
were my children, so this was disastrous.
C-PTSD is a terrible beast. It's not easy living with it. We do the best we can and we are not failures! Various members of FOO said I was a failure growing up, others implied it and/or didn't correct those who said it openly. That's where my 'failure' label comes from. Yours is probably also from some such origin.
Maybe drop by the Healing Porch sometime for some support? :grouphug:
Wow! Barbidoll!
That was my childhood. I had forgotten all about feeling like that just about all the time. I understand.
I remember now that shame and attack. Feeling like I did not deserve the basic things that I could see just about everybody else around me have. I was below everyone, that was my place.
In my mind, to air those feelings at all is quite a huge step in the positive direction.
Don't worry. I post in the 'wrong' forum all the time. I usually notice after it's posted that there is a category exactly for that topic somewhere else. Keep at it barbidoll, tbere are plenty here to read and comment :hug:
Blueberry,
I would be totally lost without my kids. They are the one thing that keeps me pushing and the only thing I have ever been certain I wanted.
I wish I new exactly when that message began because I have been kind of looking back and making connections. So far though going as far back as my childhood I only know I was the quiet, shy one and that I was sexually abused. Sucks feeling lost on what happened in your childhood. I was totally shocked when my sister told me our Dad hit her one time.
Contessa,
I am really lost on my childhood at this point. I just learned of physical abuse by my father on my sister and brother. I was only aware of the sexual abuse of me and my sisters. I know I have always been the quiet one in the family. I can remember after we were separated from my Dad sitting around adults while they were talking. They would all of a sudden look at me and be like wow you are so quiet I forgot you were there. Is that normal? I think I was 9 or 10? I always put it down to being naturally shy. I found paperwork from an old school where I had first and second grade that was for something like special ed that said I was withdrawn. I don't know this would have been a department of defense school because we were overseas. At first again I though hey I have always been shy. Now I am wondering. I wish I could remember at least one thing that would at least clue me in to what I am forgetting. My older sister who should remember more than most of us doesn't seem to keen to elaborate on what we dealt with. I had actually at one point completely blocked the sexual abuse and it wasn't until it was pointed out to me that is was bad I remembered it. Wondering if my brain is doing that with other stuff too. I am certain there had to be some kind of psychological and/or emotional abuse but that certainty only come from a knowledge that my relationships as an adult have to be a reflection of what I learned as a kid. It's weird though because up until recently I thought my Dad was not a bad guy besides the sexual abuse. I used to have nightmares of him chasing us but I forgot about that. I also could not see a man with a mustache out of the corner of my eye without jumping for awhile.
I have never had what you could call healthy self esteem and have been in too many relationships that tore it down more.
I hate that shame feeling I get. One time it felt like I was walking a gauntlet while picking my kid up and I felt like people could see something was wrong with me. Like wearing a scarlet letter. It was so disturbing.
I am going to keep coming back. I have been trying to be "supermom" and deal with this all my own but it has become so hard. I think this is something I learned from my mom, only she was smarter and left men pretty much alone. She didn't enter into therapy until we were all adults. I don't know I guess I felt like I am supposed to do the same. I don't think she intentionally did it but I think she might have been working will a similar lack of coping skills and boundaries from childhood. It is a relief to be able to just say some of this stuff and not feel condemned.
QuoteShe didn't enter into therapy until we were all adults. I don't know I guess I felt like I am supposed to do the same.
We inherit these family scripts that give us unspoken rules. Don't talk about feelings, take care of others before yourself, don't ever get angry, etc. A long time ago, a therapist told me to examine those rules and rewrite them, to translate each one I could think of into a rule I could live with and that I felt was healing. Write them down and reread them from time to time or when I felt unsure of my new direction. This was a really helpful exercise for me. I hope you find what works for you.
Hang in there! :cheer:
Hi Barbiedoll
I think your feelings are absolutely understandable and more to the point, are typical of how these experiences can leave people feeling. Take comfort from the fact that what feels so personal and unique at times are very much the natural response that many of us in here have felt to destructive experiences. You have had your confidence battered, your sense of up-down, left-right, right-wrong has been overturned and trying to live with that in your life has left you shaken and unable to anchor yourself in the real world. Abuse does that. But it's not you, you are behind that, waiting. Be good to yourself and recognise that you were the solid sensible person holding on while this cyclone was happening, you had the humanity and integrity to feel what was happening and take it with you.
The criticism in your head, that is not you, that was placed there. It speaks the voice of others. You are no more to blame for the late arrival of a bus than I am. But constant criticsm during childhood development does that, it means that every simple task is a job interview, a police interrogation or a confession, when all it is is you, performing a function in the world. That's what abuse does, it takes our eyes off the road, makes us crash and then blames us for that crash. It distracts us from even the simplest of things and leaves us afraid, imparing our ability to get on with life and settle into routines and happiness. It makes our choices skewed, opens us up to further abuse.
But it's not you hun, it never was. You have nothing to be sorry for, no apologies to give, no price to pay. You are not on this earth to carry the shame of others. If there is shame, it belongs elsewhere, and deep down you know that. Bad stuff happened to you, deplorable stuff. But it is not who you are, it just fell in the road before you. I have faith in you, we all do, feel loved and encouraged because you deserve to be, you have raised your kids through a storm and you deserve unreserved praise for that.
You deserve better, you deserve yourself. It is coming. x