Post 1: Dec 4, 2017
I have been struggling with whether or not to start my own journal on here. I have never been good "at keeping a journal". But at the same time there is a lot that I have difficulty with that I never share and sharing it, to get it 'out there', might be beneficial to me.
I've read through some of the people's journals on here and it always seems to be a very supported space.
So I guess here it goes...
Like I said above, I don't share a lot. And it's not because I'm a private person. There is such a vulnerability with sharing. My deepest thoughts and feelings aren't always the most pleasant and at times where I have shared I've always seemed to get one of a few responses:
1. People that you're talking to get scared. Like all of a sudden they don't know how to interact with you anymore. It's like you've become infected or diseased.
2. You get the, "Oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you! You're so strong for going through it."
3. Some people regard you like you're lying. (Which confuses me. I don't know why someone would lie about this serious of things. :/ )
4. Or you get the people that don't treat you any different...but not in the good way. They talk about whatever they want whether or not if affects you. It's like they don't care that they know, they will do what they want.
5. And finally, you get those that know, and are cautious, but still treat you like a human being.
While not all of these responses are bad, (#2 & #5), it is very unpredictable on which response it is you will receive. I've found it just to be better to suffer quietly than suffer openly. Which is why I sat and went back and forth on whether or not to start a journal. All the posts that I have made have always had a positive or neutral response, but it still seems very unpredictable to me.
But this is it for the first post. I haven't been in the best state of mind the past few days, but I thought it would be good for me to communicate even if it's online.
MR
For me, finally opening up and posting in my journal here did me a lot of good. I felt a relief, or release of pressure, like telling a secret that's weighing you down - it felt good to get it out where the sunlight and fresh air could hit it. Responses were gentle and understanding.
I hope I can give the same in return.
Opening up can be pretty hard. I've had a bunch of panic attacks before from opening up in relatively harmless situations and it wasn't pretty. I'm glad you're at least trying though. Some of the most difficult things in life are the most rewarding, and it's great that you're expressing yourself here.
i think it's very brave of you to begin this, melodierose. good for you.
i've found that journaling here has been a way for me to get out the poison that's been festering inside, put it here, and let the universe deal with it. it's been cleansing in that sense for me. it's also been showing me so much care, concern for what i'm going thru, and generous support and validation. these are things i've not gotten in any great measure throughout my life. it's been a life-changing experience.
i've journaled on my own before, but i appreciate the feedback. it's helped me stay on track, given me things to think about, and even directed me when i didn't know i needed that.
i hope you get what you need from here. big hug.
It's brave of you for trying, MelodieRose. I hope you'll experience the kind of support you need in your Journal.
Journalling here has been very cathartic and healing for me. Having witnesses, somebody finally hearing. Writing at my own pace and with as much as I feel comfortable with.
Post 2: Dec 5, 2017
Thank you all for your comments. I know there are a lot of journals and mine is one among many.
_____
To try something a little bit more personal: Possible Trigger Warning
August 2018 will be 10 years ago that I was rescued. It was a few weeks before my twelfth birthday. Social Services had repeatedly failed me year after year for 10 years. My father is the one that found me, stepped in and got me out. In the years since I've seen three different therapists/psychologists. The one I see now, first started late last year. And the reason why that is important is because I had just came off of what I would consider the best year and half of my life. But something happened, like it always seems to do, and I could see myself falling...and falling fast. (I still have no idea what it was that broke me.) So I decided I had to go back and see someone again. Well, it's a little over a year and where I was last year is 'heaven' compared to where I am now. It's horrible. In my last session we actually talked about it and she used the word "frustrated". Like I told her, I'd use the word "hopeless".
I feel like I should get a trophy if I get out of bed. And although I chuckled as I wrote that, it's really pathetic, but true. But the weird thing is that if someone told me what I just wrote I wouldn't think its pathetic. I would feel upset for them and what they have to deal with. It's only with myself that I'm that harsh.
I messed up dinner the other night for my father and I and I ended up making pizza and tossing what it was I was trying to make. My first reaction was, "Omg, you can't even make ___? Seriously?" Second reaction was, "If I can't make dinner correctly than I don't deserve to eat." If anyone else would have done that, those thoughts couldn't be farther from my mind.
It's so frustrating because on one hand these thoughts and feelings feel so 'true' and 'right'. Yet, on the other hand all it does it make me feel like I'm back there being belittled because a little girl couldn't make dinner for 6 including herself. It's crushing.
But I suppose that's enough for now.
MR
I totally get this. Having a very low-energy type day today and can't seem to even get up and start to make dinner for everyone. I feel hopeless sometimes I'll ever get better.
I am sorry that you are having a bad day and are feeling hopeless Three Roses. :/ I hope it gets better for you.
I think it's harder for the parents on this forum that make dinner for their family. All I make dinner for is myself and my father and most of the time I'm not even hungry so I can't enjoy the food. Also, if I don't cook my father is capable of making his own dinner. But it doesn't change the fact that if I mess it up, it hits me like I've committed a crime or something and should be punished for it.
Post 3: Dec 5, 2017
Two posts in one day?! What? (lol) I had a good day so I figured I'd be more active socially.
I actually had a decently good day today. It started off like it always does: the body tremors, the high anxiety, and not wanting to get up. But I got up. I called the place my scans were referred to and see where everything was and how it was going. And I got a pleasant suprise. After six months of battling with my psychatrist, primary care giver, regular clinic, referred clinic, and family I was finally able to set up an appointment for the first test. There was a great relief of 'finally!' and it was nice to finally have that. And then on top of that I was able to hang out a with a friend for a few hours in the afternoon. It was nice.
For those who don't know and for my future self, I have been fighting to get a couple scans of my brain. My Grandmother and Father had talked to me for years about getting a scan just to see if something was off. And just recently I started to agree with them. So one day a while ago I was trying to find case studies done in Psychology and Sociology (I took both of those classes through my education.). I remembered a particular case study done and wanted to find it again. I didn't end up finding the exact case study, but I found studies done on the effect of early trauma and just trauma in general on children and adults.
I'll have to find some psychological journals and link them so that if anyone else wants to read what I talk about here they are able.
The journals stuck out to me because I had all forms of abuse and it scared me that I might be perminately damaged. Now that's not to say 'I am' but it was enough for me to think I should check.
Here are a few I found real quick. There are plenty more out there online.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1494926/
http://www.snapnetwork.org/psych_effects/how_abuse_andneglect.htm
https://psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/pn.36.5.0036
From the last link,
"...Third, it appears as if the psychological impact of childhood physical abuse can especially harm the left hemisphere of the brain. In one of their studies that made this point, Teicher and his colleagues reviewed the records of 115 youngsters who were consecutively admitted to a child and adolescent psychiatric hospital to see whether they could link a history of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or both to brain-wave abnormalities. They could, they found. Specifically, of those youngsters reporting a history of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or both, 60 percent showed brain-wave abnormalities.
J. Douglas Bremner, M.D., and colleagues at Yale University Medical School have also linked left-brain damage to childhood physical or sexual abuse. When they compared MRI scans of 17 adult survivors of childhood physical or sexual abuse with those of 17 control subjects, they found the left hippocampus of the abused subjects was 12 percent smaller than that of the controls..."
You'll end up finding that section in the last third of the page.
I did research for days upon days to see if there was any counter arguments and what was all found out about this. Needless to say what I found scared me enough to start this process. And that's when my therapist borrowed me the book, "The Body Keeps the Score". I found it to validate what I had found.
But anyways, I guess that's enough rambling about that...haha.
Today has ended up being a decently good day and I'm glad I haven't had one of those for a while and it did me some good.
MR
Wonderful research Melodie.
A lot of people I've heard found peace in hearing about how their trauma is rooted in their brain allows them to feel more at peace. To be able to see it why they're struggling in something tangible allows them to be less hard on themselves.
I hope you feel the same.
Post 4: Trigger Warning Ahead Jan 11, 2017
Decimal, I'm not quite sure how I feel. I'm excited, yet nervous to finally have concrete answers as to what is happening with me. But at the same time I'm terrified. What my FOO always liked to do was tell me that I was difficult or had an illness such as Autism and I "just couldn't understand" and "Am being so difficult". So I'm frightened that they could be right and I do have something wrong.
This weekend was as hard for me as I imagined. In the past few years I have spent quite a few of my weekends helping out my grandparents. I have always been worn out past the point of exhaustion, but this weekend was different.
When I go anywhere or when someone comes over my act automatically comes on. I protray myself as this level headed, funny, easy going and charming woman when in reality I might have been fighting a headache for three days which has resulted in me not sleeping, eating or doing anything at all and all I want is to be left alone. I'm already tired and not feeling well when I add on trying to fake my life so that no one knows and all it results in is the mental, physical and emotional exhaustion. And this is what happened this last weekend.
Trigger Warning:
I have been fighting myself and my symptoms a lot more lately than I have in years and it doesn't seem to do anything. I don't want to eat because food isn't enjoyable to me. I don't seem to taste it. It's just something I have to do. When I eat I remember those times where I was told I was too fat to have peanut butter or the other times where they had whatever food they wanted but what I was told I could have was water with sugar in it. When I sleep I toss and turn fighting the inner demons that I battle with every night. No one knows. I don't scream and I don't tell. I just get tossed around in my own bed trying to survive the night, hoping to get some sleep in the process. When I take a shower I'm in distress. When washing my hair or my body my hands feel like those of which touched me before and it makes my skin crawl. I want to cower and scream but a lump forms in my throat. I want to smack the hands away, but how do you do that when they are your own hands? All these things and more that happen to me, but what do I do? Act. I act. My mind and body are screaming, yet I look calm and composed. This is my life. In me there is a storm, but all that anyone else gets to see is above the clouds where the sun is shining and nothing is wrong.
End of Trigger Warning.
MR
Post 5 Jan 12, 2017
Today has been hard. I've reread the post I made yesterday and in my head I crossed a line. I don't feel like I should have shared that. I am personally fine that I posted it, I just feel that it must have been "too true" and "too much" for this site. And I'm not quite sure how I'll move past that thought.
But on another note, what is happening in society with men and women coming out about being harrassed, assualted or abused has struck some strong feelings in me. I haven't posted about it in any of the threads because I don't want to start a conflict. So I'm hoping by posting it here and not in someone else's thread it will go over easier.
It bothers me that everyone seems so happy for all of these people coming out. If all of these people have had done what they say, I'm not happy for them. Having these many people be a victim to others' wants makes me sick. And that's not even talking about how long it took them to speak out. I think that says something about our "justice" system here in the US. (I have no idea if this movement is happening anywhere else.) And especially how all the perpetrators seem to be wealthy and could ruin the lives of anyone that came out against them.
But on the other hand, I realize that not everyone that came out actually had happen what they say. They are using it to ruin people's lives. If they don't like a certain candidate or a certain actor/actress they come out to try to stop them from whatever and that makes me angry. What we, on this site, have been through is no joke and should not be out there for other people's own agendas. And people are happy for these people taking what they've been through and twisting it for their own wants. I just feel sad and angry for all of these people. It's good to shed light on what actually happens behind closed doors, but we have to make sure it actually happened.
It's been nine years since I was hurt, and the time statue ended at seven years and I don't have any voice to speak out because no celebrity hurt me. But people in those situations are able to speak out 10, 20, 30 years later. And if it happened to them, I'm glad that they are able to get some sort of justice or redemption for what they had to live with, but why don't they make sure it happened and not make something up because you don't like a person. Accusations ruin people's lives.
I'm sorry if I started a conflict. I didn't set out to do that.
MR
mr, as far as i'm concerned, you didn't cross any lines with what you shared the other day. your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc., are all valid. that's all you shared. i'm just very sorry you have to go through all that pain and suffering on your own. i
'm glad you were able to write it out here. we need a place where we can get the poison out. it is poison, after all. toxic waste left over from atomic bombs of trauma. i mean, what we've been thru has been devastating to body and soul. i hope you continue to share, to be able to release it, and with that perhaps it will eventually feel like a cleansing is taking place.
i get what you're saying about what's going on in the media. i think that on one level it's horrifying to learn all this crapola has been happening, but, as you say, we've witnessed so many horrors that have happened to people here who have no place where their voice can be heard. and that's the shame of it all.
mr, know that you're not alone with all this. you are being heard, validated, and believed. it may not be thru press conferences and such, but your voice is strong here. i'm so very sorry you were hurt so that you can't even be comfortable with you. i do hope that as your recovery continues, you will be able to recover your 'self', including the knowledge that you deserve to enjoy food, that 'fat' is not a 4-letter word but was used as a weapon against you, and that your hands are clean and caring because they're yours.
sending a hug full of warmth, compassion, and love.
Post 6: Trigger Warning Physical Abuse / Violence Ahead Jan 13, 2017
San, I read your post last night but didn't respond because I was out of words and I thought I'd be better today, but I'm not. All I have to say is, Thank you.
_________
As I was reading the posts from overnight this morning I came across a thread that really affected me because I could really relate. Instead of high jacking the thread I decided to post about it here.
The thread was talking about having feelings that something happened to them, but having no memory of it to fall back on. I have quite a few of those assumptions. And I call them assumptions just because I can't tell anyone a specific instant of it happening. I have no evidence just my gut.
Trigger Warning
One of these instances is feeling like I was choked. I have a terrible time with anything on the front of my neck. My hair, a shirt, a necklace etc. Right above my collarbone it feels like the thing is being pushed into my neck and it feels like my air way is closing and I panic. I have to constantly pull the collar of my shirts out away from my neck and sometimes I can't even have my hair down or even in a pony. I have to have it as far away from my neck as humanly possible. To go along with that, I am always blowing my nose because if I feel like I can't breathe I start to panic also. My nose has gotten so raw at times that I'll get nose bleeds. Which, as you can probably imagine, getting sick is terrible for me. I wear loose clothes when I'm sick to try and balance the fear I get from not being able to breathe through my nose.
Another instance is feeling like I witnessed someone dying/getting murdered in front of me when I was young. The concept of 'death' doesn't effect me, as sinister as that sounds. My feeling when anyone passes away is that it's a part of life and it just happens. But, at the same time I panic when I think about me dying. I start hypervenilating and I have thoughts of how much it hurts connecting to someone screaming. It's not me screaming, it's almost like I'm watching it happen to someone else in front of me. But it's really dark and fuzzy. I can't put the details correctly in the picture.
End Trigger Warning
I don't have a memory of either of these issues and it makes me feel like I'm crazy when I try to bring them up. I get asked if I have a certain memory and I never have had one. :/ They are real to my body, but I can't prove them.
MR
It sounds to me as if your body has memories which are not conscious in your mind. You are not alone in this. It's real, because you feel it. Trust your gut, trust your body. You are not crazy. As I think somebody pointed out on the other thread, we don't have to remember every detail in order to heal. Nor do we need to 'prove' anything. A therapist should be willing to work with you based on the symptoms.
I have been told by a number of Ts that our body has physical memories, so it's not just an idea that we CPTSDers talk about with each other, or anything. When we feel something viscerally, that's connected to these physical memories.
My body used to go numb and I'd get the shivers up and down my back with certain physical touching. That's gone now, healed. I still don't know what exactly was behind it. It could've been x or y or something of which I have absolutely no inkling. It doesn't matter. My body had a memory, the Ts realised that needed healing. End of story.
It looks like there's a death you're numbing yourself emotionally of. Or maybe the possibility of death to yourself and others. Whatever it is, it sounds mindblowingly difficult. Death is something unknown and terrifying to others. It's the end of everything you valued and hated — and to disappear is really something to be horrified of when you might have gone close to it.
Take your time. You don't have to remember everything at once. Alright?
:hug:
Thank you Blueberry and Decimal.
My problem with that is that I've had false memories before where my mind just made an event up that never happened when I was younger. Granted it wasn't trauma related, but it still makes me question what I think I remember or feel. I have brought up the problem with breathing/choking with my t and she's told me that it doesn't necessarily mean I was put through that, it could be because I had no escape and that translated into feeling I can't breathe.
MR
Hi MelodieRose,
I have read some of your Journal, and just wanted to say that I think it's great that you're sharing your thoughts, feelings and experiences, and I related to some things you said - I found the information you shared about the left hemisphere being affected by trauma - I often find that the left hand side of my head can hurt - almost like a migraine in intensity - especially if I'm thinking about things that I can't quite 'bring to mind' - and I also feel as if I''m choking - or at least feeling 'choked up' sometimes too.
I just wanted to wish you well with your Journal and say 'hello'.
Hope :)
Hello Hope, and thank you.
I get a lot of headaches and that is one of the reasons that I figured something could be wrong. I tried to get it checked out but my primary Dr told me that its me causing the stress which is resulting in headaches and migraines.
MR
Hi MelodieRose,
Re. #metoo, I feel exactly like you. I feel so many conflicting emotions about it, one of which is horror thinking "what if some abusers out there are cynically using this tool to ruin lives?" and I feel ill.
As for choking, I didn't read what you wrote about it, just skimmed because it's very triggering for me. I wanted to say I absolutely have all those physical sensations you mentioned - again if I got some details wrong I apologize, didn't read it all. But I can't stand wearing a scarf, or even the top of shirts always freak me out. Necklaces are not an option. Breathing, coughing, it all triggers my body. Anything that comes near my neck is physically painful. If I absentmindedly lean my hand on my neck I get freaked out (yeah, that feeling of being freaked out by your own hands... sigh). It isn't even emotional. It's physical.
So I don't know what the origin of your sensations is but I wouldn't be surprised if it's a physical experience your body remembers. Mine does. I wish I could get it to forget.
You're not alone.
And I think this journal is very courageous. (and didn't cross any lines at all as far as I'm concerned)
Quote from: MelodieRose on December 14, 2017, 06:51:31 PM
I have brought up the problem with breathing/choking with my t and she's told me that it doesn't necessarily mean I was put through that, it could be because I had no escape and that translated into feeling I can't breathe.
That's possible too.
I used to have nightmares of absolutely atrocious physical abuse that I could not have survived. Nobody could have. IMO the nightmares were giving me images for the emotional abuse which I could not put into words at all. I could only say / think: "There was terrible emotional abuse." So I'm thinking there is undoubtedly something behind what gets triggered about your neck. Something that traumatised you, something that seemed very threatening to you. So, no, you don't have to prove it, you don't have to remember exactly, you don't have to doubt yourself. There will be a reason, even if it's not the "most obvious" one. :hug:
Post 7 Jan 15, 2017
Ah, I'm sorry that sounds horrible. I don't have the sensation from my own hands...for the most part. Sometimes I just 'can't' with my neck, but it's not always. :/ I don't know if it's physical or emotional, but whatever it is. I just hope I can get past it. There is quite a few cute pieces of jewelry that I would like to wear...sometime. And by the way, I'm sorry I didn't mean to trigger you. I hope that by skimming that it helped you. :/
Thank you Blueberry, I'm sure that there is something behind it. Just wish a knew. It'd be easier to work through it if I knew, but I guess in time.
____________
I haven't posted here in a few days because I have been in a funk...unable to get out of it...and I wanted to post something positive-ish at least. I've read through some of the other journals here and it's not always a complaint about how horrible their life is, and I didn't want to be the one that does that. But writing here helps me so, this funk is part of me right now and that's what the journals are here for. I'm not one to normally think this way (That's what the journals are for) but I've been listening to quite a bit of music and one song in particular got to me; (I'm Only) Human by Rag 'n' Bone Man. I have no idea who this artist is, but I really like the song. I'll try to find the lyrics and post them at the end of this post.
So, the funk. The funk really started for me during this last weekend while I was helping my grandparents out. I just didn't feel like it, my anxiety was already high and then having to deal with them plus a couple thousand people during three days just didn't end well for me. During the weekend I was exhausted and unenthusiastic. But Sunday night as we were finishing our dinner out (We ate dinner out Sat and Sun...more people. >.<), I just got really anxious. I wanted to finish up and just be home. I was far past being 'done'. So Sunday night when I got home I got very depressed and just quiet. I put my music in and isolated myself away from everyone and everything...and I haven't stopped. Monday I was really bad and it's gotten 'better' through the week but still not good. If I had to rate it, I was a 9-10/10 on Monday and the rest of the week I've been an 8/10. So "better" but not "good". And it's not the self harm depression, it's more of the wanting to curl up in a ball in the middle of your bed and cry kind of depression.
I have an appointment with my T Tuesday which is good, so hopefully it gets better, but if not I only have a few more days. It's just a little worrisome because even when I did EMDR and processed tough memories I was only in a funk for 2 days...
But, on a positive note, I got quite a bit of cleaning done the past two days and will hopefully finish by Monday. I only have my laundry and the bathroom to do, but I'm just giving myself a few days and not pressuring myself. (:
MR
Human by Rag'n'Bone Man
I'm only human
I'm only, I'm only
I'm only human, human
Maybe I'm foolish
Maybe I'm blind
Thinking I can see through this
And see what's behind
Got no way to prove it
So maybe I'm blind
But I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put your blame on me
Don't put your blame on me
Take a look in the mirror
And what do you see
Do you see it clearer
Or are you deceived
In what you believe
'Cause I'm only human after all
You're only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put your blame on me
Some people got the real problems
Some people out of luck
Some people think I can solve them
Lord heavens above
I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
Don't ask my opinion
Don't ask me to lie
Then beg for forgiveness
For making you cry
Making you cry
'Cause I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put your blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
Oh, some people got the real problems
Some people out of luck
Some people think I can solve them
Lord heavens above
I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
I'm only human
I make mistakes
I'm only human
That's all it takes
To put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
I'm no prophet or Messiah
Should go looking somewhere higher
I'm only human after all
I'm only human after all
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put the blame on me
I'm only human
I do what I can
I'm just a man
I do what I can
Don't put the blame on me
Don't put your blame on me
:hug:
Cleaning is an activity that helps me when I'm triggered. I can feel the sensation physically of clearing my area, of tidying things up, cleaning the dirt away. In that way I can physically experience my recovery.
Journals are for our individual expression. If you need a rant - I say go for it. :yes:
Hey Melodie, it must be tough to be so distressed and yet have to extend your energy in other situations in life.
That's a pretty interesting poem you've got there. I relate to it well — to remember we're human allows some respect and compassion to ourselves. Most of us want to be superheroes, but really, no one is. We're only super when we're in this together, right?
Well, take care, Melodie.
Post 8 Negative Self Talk Trigger Jan 16, 2017
I thought I was doing better today. I wasn't super productive early, but I did end up finishing the cleaning that I wanted to do this weekend and that made me feel pretty good. In the afternoon though, I ended up getting paranoid that my father was never going to come back from the grocery store (he was only gone less than an hour) and so I decided to go and check to see if the truck was back in the garage. And it was. Then I did something that made my father feel uncomfortable (I pay really close attention to anything and everything and can tell what he does and when he does it :/); which started an argument. I got really upset and shut down. I starred off, not looking at him, not replying/answering, and if I'm honest, I dissociated. It was less than an hour ago and I couldn't replay the conversation in my own head if I wanted to. My mood ended up plummeting.
Then, when the argument ended, a conversation about Christmas started. My Great Aunt and Uncle that normally put on Christmas aren't doing so well so the family's been trying to figure out what we're going to do. And my father let me know that he's not going...because of many things but because I am unable to handle it. And as much as I don't want to admit it, he's right. I just can't this year. But I don't want him to miss out.
I've never had the option of not faking or not doing the best I could do to act normal. There were times as a child where I'd get out of the vehicle after how ever many minutes or hours of being abused and I'd have to act like none of it happened. It was like a switch that had to go off. And the fact that I can't do it makes me feel so utterly guilty. If I was just better, stronger, etc then I would be able to. If I didn't let everything little thing affect me...then I'd be able to. If I had better control over me...If I was smarter...It just goes on and on and on. But in reality I don't know what I'd 'need' to make me able to fake it for Christmas. I feel like I'm in a desert internally. No food, no water, no sleep; I have sand in my eyes and a hot sun beating down on me and I just can't.
MR
Quote from: MelodieRose on December 16, 2017, 03:53:00 AM
Ah,
And by the way, I'm sorry I didn't mean to trigger you. I hope that by skimming that it helped you. :/
No problem, the thing that triggered me was my pesky brain, not you at all. :hug:
As for that switch, that "on" / "off" and you feeling you can't turn off your self and your emotions anymore, I think that's actually a good thing. I think it's huge. If your brain felt as unsafe as it did in the past, it would still keep doing it.
I had that switch too for most of my life. I had to always put on a show even though I was abused just seconds before and after so I became very good at pretending with a blank expression, but the price I paid for it was really severe dissociation, self hatred, denial... all the things that kept me away from myself. I had to ignore myself or I couldn't flip that switch.
The more I try to get to know my feelings, I notice I find it harder and harder to fake. I have to find other ways, and to give myself permission to feel pain.
I think it can be a good sign, even though it can feel terrifying, like you're losing control after all these years of holding it together whereas now your pain demands to be seen.
Hey Melodie, it's alright. It's a natural reaction to trauma. People get really hurt and hard on themselves with abuse. We internalize the criticism and our shame to intense amounts.
I agree with Ah here that letting your emotions out may be a sign of improvement. Letting your pain out emotionally is like what for excretion in the toilet is like physically — as Pete Walker puts it. You need to let the toxins out after all. It's often the most intensely painful as these first come out, especially when you resist it, but it gradually grows feeling of stability in the long term.
. Just a suggestion and you don't need to try it — but usually what works for me here is asking myself what these emotions look like as a shape, a movement, a color, a smell, a sound or anything similar. It forces you to be aware of the nature of what you feel.
It'll take time, time, and more time. But OOTS will be here as you go through it.
Well, take care. :hug:
Post 9 Jan 22, 2017
Thank you for the replies. Sorry I don't have more to say. Not really up to it.
___________
It feels like I've been fighting for my life since I've written here. Not physically, but emotionally. A few days ago I was thinking about how these diagnoses are going to be with me for the rest of my life and how I'm going to have to accept them like one would accept their eye color, hair, or body. It's a part of me. Of course I'm hoping that I'll grow and not be so dysfunctional but its still a part of me. I felt very upset about it, but then I remembered how ah's said that they like to label their emotions and then let themselves feel them. So, I stopped and asked myself what was I really feeling. Almost instantly it felt like, I was crying and I came up with emotions such as insecure, angry and sad. And then I cried like I haven't cried in seven or eight years.
When I was 13 or 14 I was very upset about something and I really missed my mom. At that point it had only been one or two years since she lost custody. I remember I was curled up in my bed, a teddie hugged tight to my abdomen, with my face in my pillow and I cried, then I screamed and then I cried some more. I cried out for her. For my mom. I was so lost in the world and so, so confused. The pain was unbearable. I felt like someone was ripping my heart out. And that's exactly what I felt like a few days ago. So lost and so hurt.
Ever since a few days ago I've been a crying mess. It hasn't helped that the people around me are thinking that me not being able to handle going to my family's Christmas celebration is some sort of controlling game. That I'm doing it purposely to keep my father away from his family. And that this is a way to get at my grandmother because she wanted all of her kids together for the holiday. It makes me feel very alone that as much as I try to express my guilt for not being capable of handling it, everyone still thinks that I'm playing a game. I want to scream out and say no, listen and then explain it all over again. But at the same time, it's just not worth it. I'm not going to change their minds.
And then, because I haven't been working and I ran out of money to help my (disabled) father with the bills, he's going to have to start shutting some of the extras off so that he has money for everything else. So, wireless is going to go in January. Wireless is what I use to use my laptop, and tablet. To research information, to be here on this forum, to stay connected with doctors. I feel like I'm losing my lifeline, but it's my fault. If I just forced myself to work, then we wouldn't be in the predicament because I'd be paying half like I was when I was working.
My therapist gave me a worksheet to keep track of my isolation...It's not going good so far. I feel so alone, yet I somehow feel like it's all my fault so to keep from hurting others I isolate which just makes me feel more alone. I hate all these cycles, but pretty soon I'll have to face them alone...again.
MR
sweet m.r., my heart is with you. i, too, rely on this computer and its connections for so much.
you know, this whole trauma thing can be overwhelming all by itself. then, put these holidays and peoples' expectations for them on top of that, well, sometimes it's too hard. period. too much. and we become messy, crying messes, because there's nothing else we can do.
pooh on your relatives who think you're playing a game. you're right - all the explanations in the world won't make them see you in your reality, won't make them listen and hear, and won't change a thing about them. i hope you know that we believe you are not playing games, that you're weighed down right now and just trying to keep your head above water. i'm glad your dad sees that, too.
when you are able to, you'll go back to work. in your time, at your pace. unfortunately, we can't do everything we want to do or have everything we want to have, and it just plain ol' sucks. having to leave my car behind when i moved was gut-wrenching for me. it was the first time i was without my own transportation in 50 yrs., and it has always represented independence and freedom to me. it's been a horrible adjustment to be without it, but, it's do-able. just not the way i want it to be.
when you're ready, you'll be able to contribute like you did before and get your wireless back. i truly believe it won't be forever. hang tough, melodierose - we're hangin' right beside you. big hug filled with strength and love to you.
It's okay not to reply. I've gotten that feeling of being too tired to reply to others too. Take care of yourself.
I remember having a similar situation when I was young. I was alone in my room with no one to care or listen to me, and I was in tears. I didn't even consider the idea of help — I didn't know it could be possible for someone like me.
But people are here now for you. At least you are. So I hope you go easy on yourself, Melodie.
:hug:
Thank you San and Decimal for the encouraging words.
So, my Christmas was alright. It was just my father and I which was nice, for me at least. He made a dinner for us (ham, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, green pudding salad, broccoli and cheese and then we had our choice of either pumpkin or cherry pie). We didn't have any presents or a big festive celebration. We just talked, ate and played games. I'm sure my grandparents are going to bring our presents to us from the family gathering we didn't go to. So whenever they get home we'll be having a gift opening session. But, as much as both of us felt guilty not going, it was a nice low energy holiday.
I hope that those who are reading had a half way decent Christmas at least.
MR
melodierose, you know, it sounds like quite a lovely christmas to me. good food, good company, and i personally love playing games. so, 3 checks to the good as far as i'm concerned.
my christmas was great, thank you. here's to many more that we enjoy, no matter what forms that may take. big hug.
Ah, that's nice. I enjoyed a good low energy holiday too, spending much of it in solitude reading. It can be deeply relaxing to have a break that day even in the holidays. It's your own way of celebration after all, and that's valuable too.
:hug:
Post 10 December 28, 2017
I am glad that both of you had a good Christmas. I know how hard it can be for some. And thank you for being consistent in replying to my journal. It means a lot.
________
My last post was about Christmas, and as good as I thought the actually day was, the goodness hasn't translated into the rest of the week. I realized how much I missed the big event my family makes out of Christmas. Especially when we sit in a circle and go round and round opening one present at a time. There is so much joy, laughter and happiness when we do that. Plus, it's just peaceful there which helps me calm down, and living in a big city where I am, doesn't have a lot calm.
I've been in one heck of an emotional state the past week. I've been waiting for my grandparents to drop off our (my father's and my) presents from Christmas when they go home from up north. Well they haven't gone home yet. They have decided to stay up and spend time with family. And it's feels like they are purposely delaying to punish me for not sucking up and going up to Christmas. Yesterday it came to ahead and I told my father about it angrily which just started another argument. It seems like that's all we do. But he wants me to tell my grandparents when I talk to them next which could be today (Thursday Dec 28, 17). My imagination is going out of control and playing a whole scenario of me telling them, my grandmother telling me that she'll drop my presents back up north and me putting them in a pile in front of her and telling her that she can do that, but if she does, she's no better than my mother. And it hasn't even happened yet! My heads a mess.
I tend to be one of the people that thinks a lot about New Year's Resolutions, but I didn't this year. I've been so busy and I have forgotten about the New Years. I've focused more on the appointments I have the 3rd and 4th. I'm going to be helping my grandparents again over New Years so it doesn't seem like a big thing anymore. The sad thing is that I have normally loved the whole New Year's celebration and this year it's just...okay, we're going into 2018. No excitement or anything. But, these past few days I have thought about what I want in 2018. And it's not a life changing resolution like losing weight or getting my life together. I just want to be more aware of 'me'. I've always looked towards my therapists and family for my answers and for things that will help me. The problem lately is that my therapist feels like she is wanting to be my friend instead of my guidance, and my relationship with my family is almost non existent from my side so I can't rely on them. It's not ideal to lean on someone that doesn't see the reality, but it's all I have so it will be what it will be.
There has and will be a lot going on, but this will probably be my last entry for a while since the wireless will be shut off in 3 days. Goodbye, for now.
MR
Good luck M.R.
will be with you, wireless or no, no matter where you are, sweetie.
i think looking into 'you' is quite life-changing. it sounds like taking charge, empowering yourself, being your strongest self no matter who or what gets in the way. i think it's a brilliant way to begin a new year.
sorry about the whole presents thing. i hope they're not doing it to spite you.
also sorry that your t is sort of letting you down. you may want to talk to her about it, how you feel, what it seems like to you, and what you actually need from her, which is not another friend. i hope you get the results you need.
so, if i don't hear from you for a while, i do hope things work out for the best, that you'll eventually get your wireless back, and we'll see you here again. even not being 'connected', remember that the healing porch and everything and everyone here is always there for you. have a good new year, m.r. sending a warm, loving hug filled with strength to you.
Some things can be tough emotionally. Some things can start out well, but can't be maintained. But sometimes the idea that it can start at all means it can come back in some form.
I'm sorry to hear what happened with your grandparents there. It seems to be reflecting a lack of validation of you being important that your childhood has shown you. I can relate, and it would be natural to get angry after what you've been through.
I agree with San that being aware of yourself is also something powerful. I had the opposite goal all these years — of trying to rely on others for answers rather than myself all the time and I vastly underestimated what it could do for me. Strangely, when I relied on others, I had more confidence in relying and thinking for myself. When a need is secured in my life, I have more time to do what I want.
So I wondered if the opposite effect could happen to you? By finding autonomy and thinking of your own answers, maybe that can influence your relationship with others. By thinking more of your own intentions and personalizing the answers to your own self, you become more equipped to connect to others for answers and care in life.
Eh. Maybe that sounds crazy, now. But who knows?
If I were you, I'd start being aware of myself by writing down a list of questions, even listing it up towards a hundred. Then picking out the most essential to reflect upon, even for a couple days for each or longer. There's a lot of journaling questions or prompts online to start with too, but later, you'd likely grow the most by making your own questions.
Just a suggestion though.
Take care.