Read an article recently that hit me hard in the gut. Transelated to english, the title said:
"I have PTSD, and most of my symptoms are hidden"
Oh, so true!
And we work really hard to hide what's going on inside.....
Panic when touched, is one of the things I try to hide......because it's so shameful....
What's yours?
TW:
I self harm: a go to coping mechanism for years, as I have gotten older it is becoming less effective
I dissociate: I've learned a face that just stares and nods, but really I have dissociated
Panic attacks: only one of my friends has ever seen me have one... I usually find a way to be alone and have them.
I have found that it takes time and a great deal of inner work to improve my awareness of my cptsd-related symptoms. About 6 months into my recovery process, my psychiatrist at the time and my therapist who I still work with would say to me, "I think your ptsd has been triggered." I would be like, oh yeah I have ptsd. I was so unaware that I "forgot" that I carried the diagnosis. About 7 years later, I now am able to identify when I am in a triggered state and to what extent I have been triggered. I still don't always recognize it right away. As the term implies, our ptsd is complex. Untangling the mess can be extremely arduous and lengthy depending on so many individual factors. I have discovered biosignatures that help me such as cold intolerance, body tightness, difficulty swallowing, and a burning sensation in my solar plexus. When it is really bad, I will have suicidal fantasies, which is far less frequent than in the past 30 years.
Dissociation and depersonalization: I wasn't aware of the symptoms until I found OOTS half a year ago.
Speech: when I'm stressed I mix up the order of words when I talk. In my thoughts it's correct but I say it wrong outloud. My partner started to point it out. Not really cptsd related but more stress related.
Emotions: I realised there are emotions I havn't felt. Most of my life I've viewed emotions as a thought and not a feeling. My progress on relaxing has taught me that feelings are felt in the body as well.
Pannick attacks: I knew of anxiety attacks but I used to believe that the pannick attacks were just me having low blood sugar.
I'm guessing I have lots of hidden facets that characterize cptsd.
One that comes to mind now is a high degree of avoidance, especially interpersonal relationships--I'm fearful of everyone, justified or not. Walker notes that this characterizes 'freeze' types, and I'm definitely like that--at its worst I'm more like an iceberg.
This avoidance is tied to a pronounced fear of conflict. This came on early as a natural defense but I've honed it 'til I notice it a lot, while others seem not to notice. So perhaps I also developed a chameleon quality to relationships, especially brief encounters, where I can seem agreeable even when I look for the exits out of the situation. This can happen even when there's no obvious conflict--I'm extremely fragile.
Quote from: Cookido on April 13, 2018, 01:47:12 PM
Speech: when I'm stressed I mix up the order of words when I talk. In my thoughts it's correct but I say it wrong outloud. My partner started to point it out. Not really cptsd related but more stress related.
I do this too. Exactly this. In my case I think it is cptsd related. cptsd is a stress disorder. For me it's one of those "Whoa! Watch it" signs. In my childhood / teenage years there was a lot of emphasis on the 'correct' word and I was not listened to because what I was saying purportedly did not make sense whereas that was actually just an excuse not to look at the FOO dysfunction. My speech was often criticised or mocked. I call it 'intellectual abuse' and it still very much affects me.
I'm ashamed of this one and think it must be very obvious to everybody and not hidden at all.
As for my hidden symptoms, I hide my emotions and my real thoughts a lot (except on here) because I've learnt they're not wanted. Then there are symptoms or results of cptsd other people might see and not realise they are cptsd related. Like me now being overweight. I think I quite often know myself, I've been in therapy so long.
Blueberry, your response really hit me. The reason I said it wasn't cptsd realted is because I read about it on internet that it can be due to stress. But I relate to the intellectual abuse you described. When I was a kid, up till teenage years, I could barely spell and my teachers thought I had dyslexia (I have not). My parents used to read back the things I wrote and mock me and my brother (who had the same issues) when something was misspelled. I'm so sensitive about my spelling even today, I had a hard time accepting the OOTS spell-check button disappeared. Also talking, like using the "wrong" word, was and is heavily critized by my parents. What you wrote gave new perspective on this matter.
Cookido :hug: :hug:
crying at anything that denotes caring gestures, motherhood, loving family - anything about love.
constant muscle pain all over.
alexithymia - inability to recognize, identify, verbalize, and express my emotions. this has gotten a little better as i've moved along in recovery, but it still often takes hours or days before i can recognize what i felt about a certain conversation, action, or behavior.
inability to deal with even small stressors anymore
constant tension throughout my body
can't process a lot of info at one time, or when it comes at me rapidly
feeling of being paralyzed when i'm overwhelmed
dissociation/depersonalization
when i'm stressed over my limit, my brain feels like it's full of cotton, and i can't see into it. those are times i need meds.
the list goes on and on
I can relate to w.g and the freeze response. I get pretty distant too. I genuinely like staying alone much of the time, but other times it's isolating. I look more easygoing, but there's always a part of me that's less confident and a lot more high alert than I look. Too many memories of being hurt make me uneasy.
Strangely I hang around small groups than one on one as much. When it's one on one, I have to take a big slice of the conversation by interacting with effort with a person. With small groups, they get to talk to each other and I can step in only when I'm ready. That, or if someone picks me up with a question, I wouldn't need to direct the conversation to something that could be stupid.
It's a step up from being entirely isolated though. But still, even if I look comfortable, it won't be long until I physically disappear to spend some time with myself out of fear.
Up until recently, the whole thing. I didn't realise I had CPTSD until about a year and a half ago and I'm only just starting to unravel it all. Some of the most hidden:
Emotional flashbacks: When I began to suspect I had CPTSD I kept dismissing it because I thought I didn't get EFs. When I learned to identify them, ho boy - turns out I get EFs all the damned time.
Mysterious gut issues?: I have had what doctors have called irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) since I was a teen. There seems to be no obvious explanation for it. It seems to be partly related to food intolerances but I bet there's a psychological component too. The thing is, they hurt and I'm always hiding it.
Like sanmagic7, I get constant tension, dissociation, foggy brain and difficulty dealing with the smallest amount of stress. Also anxiety. Lots of anxiety.
Speech: I do the word swap thing too!
Difficulties interacting with people: Part of this probably my autism, but the CPTSD doesn't help, especially when people so often trigger my EFs.
Touch: Yep, I hate being touched too. I don't panic, but I don't find it pleasant. I try to avoid handshakes - carrying a lot of stuff can work well here. This could also be autism rather than CPTSD.
Morelia, I have IBS too, it truly sucks. I have read that IBS can be the cause of trauma. My symptoms get a lot worse from stress. I eat a FODMAP diet which has helped as well. I suggest you try it because I know how difficult life can be when you have to base it on your stomach and belly issues.
Sorry I meant that IBS can come from trauma not be the cause of it! Silly mistake.
Cookido,
I'm diagnosed with IBS too. It's so exhausting. Plus I started self harming in a different way because Of the IBS. I wear heating pads when my abdominal cramps are acting up. I now realized I burn myself with them on purpose as a new form of self harm.... ugh
I seem to be lucky as being in 12 step recovery and having a sponsor also being in therapy I don't hide anything. But if I think about hiding from the 'outside world' it would def be suicidal thinking which comes at times
I hide my disconnect to people and the world.
I hide the fact that I hear voices (unless explicitlly asked about it.. and who asks about such? No one).
I hide the fact that my grasp on reality is vague.
I hide the fact I am forgetfull, that I lose track of time. That I can't remember when the last time I spoke with someone was, because my sense of time gets confused.
I hide the fact I'm so worn out.
I know I can appear extremly normal and functional in social settings most of the time. But I mostly can control when I go out and see people, I control how many times I'm social in a week and for how long I am social. And if I can rest for the next few days.
I struggle with words, I forget words in my mother-tongue and has to use english. And sometimes it doesn't work either. I laugh it off when I lose track of a conversation and revert back to a previous one because I can't recall what we're talking about or not realizing that the conversation has moved on.
I don't know if they are cPTSD related, but its the main thing I try to hide of my symptoms. although I hide my story, and I hide my diagnosis from my family.
Deep Blue, it's difficult. I'm used to the pain by now and I find it comforting at times because it makes me focus at the pain instead of other things. Sometimes I eat things I shouldn't, knowing I will hurt from it, just because the pain is familiar. The belly pain isn't dangerous so I never really cared too much. But burning sounds very physical to me. I hope that you being aware will help you keep yourself from burning yourself. I thought about bringing IBS up on the forum, I suspected others might suffer of it. For me it's a very big part of my life and identity by now, but I also find the symptoms embarrassing.
Cookido,
I'm currently in an EF and hadn't done it in a month or so... unfortunately I'm sleeping with a heating pad tonight... heavy sigh
This post is so helpful as I find it hard to quantify my experiences in words.
SAN magic your post is so helpful for me as I experience a lot of what you list.
I too have ibs and have stomach ache as we speak. Headaches all my life since being young. If I do have a headache free day it is just bliss.
Brian fog and trouble with too much information geee that is big for me
I'm trying the low-FODMAP diet now. It really has helped. It turns out I'm lactose intolerant, but there's at least one other thing in the high-FODMAP group that's causing issues and my dietician and I haven't been able to identify it yet. I'm working on it.
I totally recommend that anyone diagnosed with IBS try it. After years of complaining to doctors and hearing, "Eat more fibre, drink more fluids and exercise regularly, and if that doesn't work, tough, there's nothing else I can do," it's wonderful to find something that actually does provide relief.
Morelia,
I did low fodmap and still had problems. Turns out eggs are a problem for me and they are in low fodmap! I should always eat better and exercise more... but too much fiber causes me problems as well.
I honestly think i keep tension in my stomach and that can be a huge problem for me.
Quote from: Deep Blue on April 17, 2018, 12:39:04 PM
Morelia,
I did low fodmap and still had problems. Turns out eggs are a problem for me and they are in low fodmap! I should always eat better and exercise more... but too much fiber causes me problems as well.
I honestly think i keep tension in my stomach and that can be a huge problem for me.
I'm sorry it didn't work so well for you. I think I could have issues with certain low-FODMAP foods as well. I'll be asking my dietician about that, and also asking my doctor about a referral to an allergist/immunologist to find out if I'm actually allergic to something. But isn't it a frustrating experience trying to work out what's actually causing the problem!
I completely understand what you mean about keeping tension in your stomach. I'm pretty sure I do the same.
Quote from: Sceal on April 15, 2018, 07:43:37 PM
I know I can appear extremly normal and functional in social settings most of the time. But I mostly can control when I go out and see people, I control how many times I'm social in a week and for how long I am social. And if I can rest for the next few days.
I struggle with words, I forget words in my mother-tongue and has to use english.
Oh, so recognizable Sceal! I thought it was just me doing these things. Do you often use English in social settings? Do you think in English as well?
Quote from: salto on April 29, 2018, 08:55:02 PM
Quote from: Sceal on April 15, 2018, 07:43:37 PM
I know I can appear extremly normal and functional in social settings most of the time. But I mostly can control when I go out and see people, I control how many times I'm social in a week and for how long I am social. And if I can rest for the next few days.
I struggle with words, I forget words in my mother-tongue and has to use english.
Oh, so recognizable Sceal! I thought it was just me doing these things. Do you often use English in social settings? Do you think in English as well?
Thank you, salto. For understanding!
I think in english, I write notes and diary notes in English, I even talk to myself in English. I have to make an effort and tell myself that I need to start thinking in my native language - to connect more to what I'm doing. I think English is sometimes an escape language for me. I use it, because I can distance myself. In english (especially american english) the use of big words has smaller meanings. But if I'd use the equivalent in my native tongue it would be pretty profound and deep. It has a much bigger effect and meaning. In my culture we try not to get noticed too much, or to think we are worthy/better than others. And it affects the way we use the language.
Sceal, I wonder if we are from the same country. The whole culture is based on not being better than others but at the same time be successful with only yourself as support (individualism). I also related to what you wrote about thinking in english. A thought in english can mean less than the same thought in my own language. But it might also just be that I use english on a daily basis due to my partner being from another country.
Cookido, maybe we are :) Maybe just similar country?
i also use English daily to speak with my roomate. Seems we're quite similar situation :P
Hi all,
My cPTSD was initially identified by my GP. I was describing symptoms to him one day just over 3 years ago. He responded that he'd only ever had one patient describe what I was experiencing, and that patient had temporal lobe epilepsy, but without the emotional precursors. This led to a series of tests and referral to my current psychiatrist who confirmed cPTSD.
These symptoms include my diminished verbal capacities when triggered. I'm usually quite eloquent but my language skills go right out the window when in emotional flashback. The speech centre of the brain is in the temporal lobe (the speaking part, not speech recognition) . I also have multiple different taste sensations, and occasionally difficulty recognising faces. All related to temporal lobe damage.
I've had to deal with depersonalising (verydisturbing) and serious dissociation. I have one 'persona' that frequently takes over when I experience significant interpersonal anxiety. It takes over before I can even feel the fear/terror. I am completely aware of this happening now, but have no conscious control and can't stop it from happening.
My most disturbing and persistent hidden symptom is tactile hallucinations. Mostly in my mouth. When triggered, or when the 'persona' takes over, I get these strange sensations in my mouth and neck. It feels like having lots of local anaesthetic in my mouth but it's vibrating like chewing on an active vibrator. Then I get lots of undulations under my tongue and like someone has taken control of my jaw and is moving it. Sometimes it feels like my essence is being sucked out of me through my mouth.
There's plenty of others symptoms but they are 'normal' cPTSD attributes.. Cheers
This is a really good question. I don't know what my most hidden symptom is. Maybe it's a very deep, all-encompassing belief that I'm disgusting and evil and beyond redemption.
Like my essence (for lack of a better word) is that I'm bad so nothing can be done about it and there's no hope or love for me.
Well I can't say I can point to anything to the contrary in my life so in my credit it isn't just a thought from long ago that has stuck in my mind but a day to day belief.
I have long term ongoing abusers who relish in telling me so, but still. I feel like a disgusting evil idiot for not being able to see through it, or to overcome it. Like a feedback loop.
My almost continuous desire to not exist.
I feel so sad to read what others experience and very much relate too. We must keep standing up and fighting one bit at a time. Working on any bit however small with support to heal a little more.
Shame is something that inhabits but it's not who we are .. below that we are love pure love.
That's what I'm realising it's everyday to find that true but if me below and to the side of it all that loves me.
Self harm is my most hidden, but also ibs, suicide thoughts (daily), alcohol abuse and like the rest of you the list goes on........