Out of the Storm

Today is a hard day.

For months I've been pushing myself to work on C PTSD, my downward spirals, and depression.

Some of it is physical, my hip and back after having babies and a couple of surgeries. So I'm working on physical therapy too. As well as trying to get more sleep, which isn't easy with a two-year-old.

Some of it is food-related, it's so hard especially on bad days to stick to taking care of myself with food. And then on good days I think I can eat anything I want. So I feel like I'm constantly in a cycle of trying to refocus on why I want to eat better.

But mostly it's emotional. I'm tired and lonely and overwhelmed most of the time. We left our church back in September. I've been there 15 years. It's pretty upsetting but most of the crap we were dealing with was just beyond reasonable. I feel I've lost most of my friends, my support system, all of the help I had in place, and my coping patterns.

I'm sure that there's some ways it's a good thing because now I'm finding that some of that system was so shallow that it wasn't worth holding on to. But I still feel like I'm floundering in the rest of life.

Thanks for being an outlet. I don't really know what to do today except to rest and cry a little bit and try to enjoy my kids as much as I can.

Today I tried to reach out for some phone or video counseling. We'll see how that goes.

Regrouped fairly well this evening. Worked on the house with the kids and let them use the couch bed to watch a movie and stay up late. They are beautiful asleep. Missing their dad who is away for some me time himself.

I took the kids to the museum yesterday. It was great. But I think I was so tired and did not eat well, that it contributed to my crash today. Plus getting their Dad ready to go on his trip turned out to be really stressful.

I hate when his expectations seem to line up with my insecurities... It's not like he does it on purpose, but it certainly happens a lot. What he needs and what I need seem diametrically opposed. Marriage. Yay.

Lord, help me.

I'm sorry you seem to be in a tough phase atm. Yay you for realising that some help/support you were hanging onto wasn't actually all that helpful! I find the phase afterwards hard, where the 'old' is gone but I haven't instigated enough 'new' to keep me going. It does get better though. Really.

Sending  :hug: :hug:

Thank you so much, Blueberry. :hug:

How much of my story needs to be written just for me? How much to share with others? If I write too much of it I am afraid it will only trigger others and be semi-unhelpful for myself, as I will be dwelling on the past and not sure how much worse someone else had it anyway.... Is this twisted thinking?

All of these questions are valid and show a strong sense of empathy towards others. But what you post here and how much of your story you share isn't as important as how you feel about what you write about.  Especially in a journal, the specifics posted basically form a discussion with one's self. That said, others here will feel connected to what you were affected by, how you've gone about recovering (or not), and so on.

The given here is that these issues somehow touch us all, or we wouldn't be inclined to be here. Sometimes what one shares about their abuse history and/or reactions to cptsd will be on target for what someone else has experienced in that regard; and sometimes not, or maybe not so much. Other than the general guidelines for posting, there really isn't a standard format that covers all issues equally.

Especially in journals, what someone else thinks isn't the focus--again, it's the writer's life that matters the most. The deep wounds that continue to affect people's lives--abuse is abuse, and comparisons break down when all is considered...it all hurt, and still hurts.

Triggering can vary with everyone. Sometimes even innocuous words can trigger--this happens to me on a regular basis, as certain 'ordinary' words (especially religious/spiritual) were used in abusive situations that colour my reactions to them even now.

How much one shares or feels comfortable doing so is another variable. There are some things I never thought to share but in the process of writing needed expression, I guess. It's less scary to say some things, as the readers on this forum 'get it'. Some of what gets discussed has no sensible answers, but at least there's a level of safety if one feels drawn to say something. It's kind of the old line about how it feels good to have gotten it out of one's system, at least a little. Here the readers have also walked the talk, felt the pain, and know what it's like to live with this stuff on a daily basis. 

Wow. That is so helpful. Thank you. Very insightful.

Sorry to hear you had to leave your network in church behind you, it can be a real challenge to "break free" from relations that contains so much history in one's life.

Also, I'd like to second everything WG wrote. He put it in words far better than I can :)

Thank you!!! 💖

*Mother's Day trigger warning**

I have spent hours and hours working on self-care and some therapy this past month. Having some real break through moments, aha moments... Felt like I was steadily starting to rise, to understand my triggers more, see them coming... And then LIKE I NEED THE TEST:

My Father sent all four of us adult children a text today not reminding, but commanding us to call and honor our Mother for Mother's Day this weekend. Followed by a "rich blessing from above." I love Jesus and my Bible but I know Mother's Day and honoring your Mother are separate things. I will say I was honest in return and said pretty much just that... I think he is so browbeaten by the narcissistic behavior of my Mother at home that he wants to avoid it if at all possible. He actually responded, he actually acknowledged what I said, he actually apologized... But I still feel deeply angry, overwhelmed, and now scared and guilty too. I know all this is from C-PTSD, and am trying to reach out for support... I am so thankful, but so afraid at the same time...

But I just couldn't take it.

Is anyone else getting triggered from the upcoming Mother's Day and Father's Day events? I mean, I have truly sincerely loving parents, but the emotional/physical abuse and severe (unintended) neglect I suffered from their home growing up makes it really hard for me to want to do anything, especially for this fake marketing scheme to get people to buy stuff.

It doesn't help that their expectations of those days and our performance as kids just fits nicely into my junk of not being allowed to have expectations growing up. Help!!!! I am so stressed today. Crying tears of release. Their debt belongs to God... But I wish my heart would hurry up and heal.

There are a couple of threads on Mother's Day here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=211.0 in case nobody answers in your Journal.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time today. I'm lucky, Mother's Day isn't a trigger for me.

Thank you! 😣😲

Hi Frilly. Sorry, it's a trigger to you. I have no wise words. Just wish you the best.  :hug:

hey, frilly,

i know parent days are really triggering for a lot of people.  both of mine are dead many years, and many years before i found out about c-ptsd, family dynamics and all that.   it sounds, tho, like you handled the whole thing with your dad quite well, sounds like you followed your gut about it all.   i think following our gut is our best bet.

it may not conform to society's or family's expectations, tho, which may be where the guilt comes from - that whole 'should' thing rearing its ugly head.  i firmly believe we need to do what's best for ourselves first and foremost.  we're the only ones who can.

sending a warm loving hug full of acceptance to you.

I am so touched by your responses.  :grouphug:  Thank you for the encouragement. I made it through the weekend... I found it shocking that both my parents wished me a happy MD before I had steeled myself to call my Mom. I did end up calling her and wished her the same... But I reached a threshold with her somewhat and had to excuse myself. She can be so negative and hateful. I don't want to be like that and it frustates me that she modelled/models that for me. It is generational for sure. Ugh. Maybe something to pray thru for myself.

I am not great at checking my threads regularly. It is somewhat hard to navigate the site but I am trying to keep this journal going for myself.

So, here is where I am at.

I am getting stuck in flashbacks that I don't even know are happening. Suddenly I look up and realize I have been sitting trying to drown out the noise or deaden the flood for however long. I can usually identify the trigger... Which is better than where I was. Then I can actively decide to not deaden anymore and go thru my positive self-sooth/talk and re-empower myself.

I get the most frustrated with what feels like walls going into certain situations. Mostly areas of life where I was hurt as a child. It is relational in nature. I am working on meeting a new therapist that can help me with this area. After three sessions with my first therapist, I realized he is great for attacking insecurities but he doesn't understand the bent-ness of my issues and how much I feel stalled out.

For example: homeschooling as a child for me was tormentuous in nature. When I start trying to approach HS with my kids I just deaden off and can't find a way around it. I know they need working with but I think they have reached the age where my Mom and Dad's expectations became law and pain in my life really amped up. My throat chokes up just thinking of it a bit right now. Feel really insecure.

Thanks for reading, friends.

Honestly... I am not even sure it is a flashback. I just get triggered and feel lots of painful emotions. Can't directly link it to a memory though I can say it is possible that I have completely separated my emotions from my memories. Not sure. Just hurts and really hard not to regress to deadening. Listening to Joanne and One Million Reasons by Lady Gaga actually helps me cry and then I feel better, although somewhat ashamed. Silly.

Sounds like an emotional flashback, FRillyFarmGirl. They're more common with CPTSD than visual flashbacks. Not knowing what memory they're connected to can be an important (!) self-protective measure.

Often we were taught to feel shame. Part of cptsd from childhood. No need to feel it here though. Listening to a song which helps release an emotion leading you to feel better is great self-care!! Way to go :thumbup: :cheer:

ditto all of what blueberry said.  i'm glad you have an outlet for releasing emotions.  i don't think that's silly at all.  love and hugs to you, sweetie.

 :grouphug: thank you. I think I am shocked to realize how much I have been working to deaden.

The more I clue into that the more I am working to accept instead... And it feels like all over the place I am just hiding or trying not to hide anymore. It is exhausting. But I see the good.... Just still overwhelmed. Sigh.

Thank you so much for the encouragement.

hey, frilly, you know we're all in this together.  it is exhausting, but i do think accepting is a good way to go.  it's helped me when i quit battling so much and just accepted.  wasn't quite as tired and dejected all the time.  we're here with you - hang tough.  love and hugs.

Thanks so much.

So today it bubbled up more of the dawning realization that I just don't want to do this all by myself anymore. Life, kids, daily routine. I just take on all the expectations onto myself and do so without even realizing it. Thinking it all depends on me. I don't want to live that way, it is exhausting. I know it was practically beaten intk me as a child. Weighs me down and makes me so angry.

Then this evening I realized that I am still needing to process and mourn the crazy switch in my Mom at a young age. She changed when I was about 5 or 6. Which is about the age my kids were when I was diagnosed with Conn's Syndrome and went through *. All the way to last year, I have never wanted to be that Mom for my kids, that lost her self to life and became mean and hateful.

I struggle from the get go each day. I want to scream and scream. This is not who I want to be... Detached and struggling and distant. The deserve better.

My husband struggles so much with life... We have so few friends. I want to escape and get help and breathe oxygen and feel love. I just want to be myself again. I don't want to go through this.

Why do my family generations of women go nuts at this age?  Even my grandmother was like this. I don't want this.

I hate it.

I hate myself even while I feel sorry for myself. There is no way to deaden that anymore.

I just want to scream and scream and cry.

I have fired my therapist, and hired a new one whose specifications cover CPTSD. We had our first session on Tuesday.

It is a much better fit and I am thankful. For the first time on this journey I feel I do not have to prove how I feel, what I am dealing with... She gets it and she is helping. Big baby steps, honestly ones I have been trying to make for four years now.

It was such a hard week last week.... It took several days to reset. A friend of my husband's died and then my husband got sick and I was extremely tired and pushing myself in ways that did not help... I crashed hard on Saturday, or was it Sunday? Not sure. Wanted to "grey out" so much and kept trying not to... Cried a lot. Processed with my husband some (who, thankfully, tries to listen and is the closest thing to a best friend I have aside from God).

And so... this week IS BETTER.

It IS getting BETTER.

There is a lot of work ahead. I made every effort to enjoy today. The work my new therapist outlined was daunting and I am starting to research more about what she asked me to do.

EMDR, IFS, ABC, CBT, Drivers, these are all new to me. But I am so thankful for this group here and that there is light ahead.

I went for a drink/dinner with my sister tonight, who is also dealing with a lot of similar childhood trauma. Our friendship is strenthening as we both have been in therapy. I am beginning to be really thankful for her as she helps me not feel so alone. She is younger than me and for many years did not understand what I dealt with in our FOO.

Thanks for reading, friends. I need good sleep tonight. Fingers crossed... Prayer... Either/or I would appreciate it. I am working on sleeping better but with a 2-y/o that is hard.

So happy that you've let go of a therapist that didn't work for you and that you found one that seems to be a good fit. I can imagine the relief it is to have a therapist who finally listens or asks the right questions. (i can remember my own relief, and how the progress there alone sped up for a while).

It is a bumpy road, but I'm glad to hear that you have a support system outside your therapists office aswell!

An evening out with your sister sounds good, it's good to get out of the house and do something different once in a while, even if it's tiresome and wears one out - it's good to do the normal day-to-day things.

You sound very determined and positive towards the fact that things are getting better.  :cheer: And I'm so happy for you! I hope you'll remember this next time it gets a little too challenging, that things are moving forward. And the road to recovery and healing is full of side-paths, bumps in the road and being turned a little around.
I'm cheering for you, and sending good thoughts your way! :)

Thank you, Sceal.

I find myself extremely tired the more I go into this stuff. Letting down my guard on hyperviligance means that I am actually letting myself rest in ways I was so tense... Didn't realize it.

you have a right to be tired, frilly.  the work is exhausting at so many levels.  so very glad you found a t who fits better for you, and 'gets' it.  makes the work all the more easy.

you used the  word 'daunting' when referring to the homework give you by your t.  may i suggest that if it is indeed too much for you to deal with, that's ok.  if it's too much to take one, just do what you can.  often those homework assignments can be guideposts for us as to where our limits are, or if there's an issue behind it that could be explored during a session.  everything having to do with therapy can be used to gather information, so no need ever to beat yourself up if you aren't able to finish your 'homework'.

even thru the tired, you sound strong, and i'm really glad for you for that.  as long as we're moving, we're making progress, including if those big baby steps are sometimes smaller or even tiny.  it all counts.  love and hugs.

Thank you so much, sanmagic7. Wow. Good input. And thank you for the good encouragement and cheerleading.    :thumbup: I need it!

After a lot of work this week on Internal Family Systems and identifying selfs/roles.... I realized I have been believing that everyone who needs from me will take and not give (so either I am a giver or a taker in every relationship... And increasingly isolated/insecure). I was finally able to understand why I get so easily angry when someone needs from me, which I knew was unreasonable and had to work so hard to stop that feeling, but did not know why.

I was finally able to calmly accept a hug from my husband, and realize that his love is reciprocal in nature, in a way I have not been able to intentionally enjoy before. Up til now it was like I needed constant proof, even though mentally I did not understand why. I tried to always stop that fear/need for myself and for his sake (didn't always succeed), but could not disengage it fully and forever, before.

It feels so good to be able to see that issue straight on for what it is and see the possibility of trusting others more easily as a result. It ties into fearing others mistakes toward me too.. easier to relax on this area than ever before.

Wow!!!

wow, indeed!  that's quite a realization, frilly.  i'm very happy for you, too, that you could come to it, could receive rather than take (at least, that's what it sounded like to me).  way to go!

i relate to the idea of getting angry at people who want to 'take' from me.  it's happened too often during my lifetime.  i remember feeling that they all just wanted to suck the life from me, and i wasn't getting enough back to be able to replenish my self.  it helped, tho, with finally being able to set boundaries, and say 'no'.

keep going, sweetie.  sounds like you're doing really well.  love and hugs.

sanmagic7, Thanks for the support and validation

Yes, exactly, receiving instead of taking too.

I am coming to realize I have a ton of emotional flashbacks in the morning, especially as I am waking up. Learning to give myself permission to not feel that way, and instead to be in the moment and happy. I did not even know it was happening.... What a way to live! No wonder I felt so depressed! It is such a good thing to have the tools to work on this stuff.

Trigger warning: physical/emotional abuse. I am aware that I am sharing this, so making an effort to record the abuse and validate myself. Not entering a flashback. Just finding it cathartic to share.
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When I was a child, my mother used to spank me every day for something. I would wake up, start to play, and think, "What will I get spanked for today?"

It was not just a hand spank once or twice, or even a belt. She would send me to my room and make me wait, sometimes telling me to "get ready," which terrified me... she would go get a cutting board paddle, make me undress myself in front of her (I used to pad with several pair of underwear while waiting, until she discovered that), bend over my bed with no clothes from the waist down to the knees, and spank me hard at least 10-12 times. I would cry and scream and say, "I AM SORRY!" And she would not even miss a beat and yell "IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!"

I would hunch my shoulders from before the moment she would start spanking all the way to the end. To this day I have such a hard time not hunching my shoulders whenever I am stressed or frustrated or scared. It is a constant source of pain or tension in my neck/back.

Here's the kicker.. it was usually about dumb kid stuff like picking a neighbor's flower (so I could give it to her) or being caught in a lie (usually trying to get away from being punished).

I remember many times it was over memorizing Scripture, or my handwriting, or my stubbornness about doing school. We Home Schooled and I was very unhappy with her methods... finally ran away  at 11.  She finally put me in Public School at 12. Which came with a world of pain all its own.

I think it's safe to say that I was a good kid. My Mom was a good Mom until I reached that age where she began punishing me. I always mourned that loss, deeply.

They say we are our own worst critics... But my Mom is mine. It's her voice in my head, always telling me I am not good enough, mocking every little thing I do. Makes me want to under achieve all the time. Makes me want to give up. Makes me hate life. BUT I DO LOVE Life, especially now that I have the right to be happy in my own mind, the right to be unafraid and protect myself... and the conscious ability to want to enjoy the good things and be okay.

Trying to consciously push through this and heal has been about a 15 year process, slowly building up and trying different things. I just got worse in some ways... although I am still alive because of the things I DID try.

I am so thankful to have a solid awareness of C-PTSD and these tools starting to click in place. I am feeling more calm and happy for the first time in a loooooong time.

Any tips for addressing these memories? I might try EMDR.

Even now, I am re-reading and thinking.... That was NOT. MY. FAULT. I am safe. I would not allow that to happen to me now, I would allow myself to choose to die protecting myself, any day of the week.

I also find myself feeling ashamed, that so many others probably had it worse. I remind myself gently that it is because of this I lived afraid of everyone all my life. No one understood and I stood alone and wondering why I was so different. The occurrences were never far apart but day-to-day.

If I were able, I would go back in time and call CPS on my mother. It would have been totally appropriate. Wrong is wrong.

It's tough to wade through the memories. Maybe that's a metaphor that will work--wading in isn't the same as drowning in them. They will likely crest again, but you're finding ways to get out of their way. This is how I try to go with the flow, so to speak; knowing that this stuff can no longer rule my life. I fail at that sometimes, reel at how hard it still seems, yet somehow I've made it here.

And one thing that worked was, strangely ('strange' because it's denigrated by some in the psychiatric community), the cathartic elements you mentioned; for me these sorts of moments seemed like part of a missing part of what I'd tried. This was especially so at one 5-day workshop I attended; it seemed better in a group I'd learn to trust.

Something else that's helped has been to picture my life as 2 separate movies; the old stuff happened, and it's terrifying to watch or think about, but it's confined to the old show. That leaves me free to build my current one, and realize it's the only one I now have any say in the outcome. From victim in the first movie to producer/director/actor in the present is an image that heightens my comfort level (caveat: this and other approaches don't always work no matter what).

You also said that you "find myself feeling ashamed, that so many others probably had it worse." I know how it seems it's built in that we make these comparisons, but given all the variables any or all of the recalled abuses are neither worse or better or what have you, they just collapse into one category called terrible.

So what constitutes worse isn't always clear and comparing only tends to distract from what's probably one's equal emotional distress. This is never clear as you are only you. It might even seem that someone else "had it worse" but comparisons don't heal, they're all on the same scale of abuse in the sense of robbing one's core being of the care and nurturing everyone deserves.

Sorry, I have no experience with emdr for several reasons. My t has chosen not to go there, as I seem to respond to other approaches and we're both okay with that. I know there are several on OOTS who have gone that route with varying success. Meanwhile I hope you keep on with what appears to be some very good self-work.

Hey frilly,
Can I offer some safe  :hug: :hug: ?

I have read your journal before but just not posted.  I wanted to let you know that what you wrote really resonates with me.  I often thought I could do better to stop the abuse.  I tried to numb the blows as well.  I'm so sorry for what you went through. Let me also say, Yes it was bad! Thanks for being so brave to post this.
Take good care
- Deep Blue

I am sorry you had to go through all of that. I have no words, tonight - but I wanted to let you know I've read your post and if it's okay with you, I'll sit here with you for a while as a comfort.

Hi FrillyFarmGirl,
What you write in your Journal also resonates with me - and I just wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

frilly, to this day my shoulders are hunched forward.  it takes conscious effort for me to roll them back.  my dad used to call me 'hunchy' and threaten to put a board up my back to straighten my posture.  now i see it as a response to several things, including shame at having breasts, carrying the weight of impossible expectations on my shoulders, and just a protective measure - hunched over, my vulnerability was metaphorically being protected.

i've also gone thru the idea that my traumas weren't as bad as those of others here.  i think a lot of us do that comparison thing.  what has helped me with that is the knowledge that the symptoms i manifest show that they were, indeed, bad enough.  that's all that i know, and really all that matters.

i'd like to validate your abuse right alongside you.  i wish you hadn't gone thru it.  it is definitely bad enough, and like wg said, whatever the abuse/trauma, it's terrible.

thanks for sharing.  i hope it helped you to get it out, and i hope you can continue doing so.  keep taking care of you, sweetie.   love and hugs to you.

Hey frilly,
Just checking in... hope you are doing ok.