So continuing with beneficial and constructive but edging in a bit with self-accountable.
I had a little breakthrough in understanding today, which is beneficial.Very glad you've had a little breakthrough in understanding, and that it's been beneficial.
I feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude".
QuoteI feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude".
Seems to me they were rude first. You're taking the high ground and not being harsh, you're just standing up for your own preferences. That is OKAY TO DO!
I like the "broken record" act, because I seem to allow myself to get drawn into debates about things that don't need to be debated (my own wishes, preferences, etc.). Instead of thinking of a polite response to what the other person is saying, just restating my position and repeating it as many times as necessary seems to work well for me. (The other party tends to get real tired of hearing the same thing over and over! ;))
Putting the plants back where they belonged was a nice thing to do. They were lost and needed to go home. ;)
"Allowing myself to get drawn into debates about things that are not up for debate" used to be one of my middle names.
QuoteI feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude".
Seems to me they were rude first. You're taking the high ground and not being harsh, you're just standing up for your own preferences. That is OKAY TO DO!
We all need a break after working hard, I think you doing the things you want to do today rather than have to, or should, is more beneficial for you. Self care is important. The shower isn't going anywhere, you can take it tomorrow, or on tuesday. When you are ready. Same with the rest of the outside world. Some days we need to remain indoor to protect ourselves. :hug:
"Allowing myself to get drawn into debates about things that are not up for debate" used to be one of my middle names.
It is getting easier to accept that I stood up to FOO again, this time enF. I'm even feeling a little pride that I did.
I started writing something on one of Sceal's threads. Then I realised that it could be too much for Sceal to read and also I'm writing it as much for myself as for her:
"We're just fine as we are. It's a gift to the world that you and I exist and we don't have to make up for our existence in any way." (making up by over-achieving, perfectionism etc)
I don't quite believe it yet really deep down but working on it, it's good to remind myself.
Blueberry,
Wow! Reading your post made me realize that I’m similar! I need a little downtime the day after I’ve made a lot of progress. I never would have had that thought on my own or even realized how I could help myself after a big day. Thankyou. Isn’t it nice that just by reading about others... something can jump out about ourselves?
Much love :hug:
Did you remember to write down on your lists when you write them that you need to take rest as well?
So I took my rest in advance by remaining in bed. Well, I got up briefly, opened curtains, went back to bed. Enjoyed looking out at the sun on the trees and dozing.
I empathize with the "overdoing things" in regards to reading. Sometimes when I know I want and need to get to the heart of something, I rush through it. Spend too much time, and/or go too quickly through rich material. Big hugs, BB. :hug:
Blueberry- my cheers weee certainly not about the painful ankle, but rather in response to your great job cleaning house. I missed the second post about the ankle. Do take care of yourself, and yes, the R.I.C.E. Method seems to work well.
Here’s a hug from one limping person to another! :hug:
Then it became clear how much she was expecting of me, despite knowing what state I'm generally in, and how little she was really willing to give in return.
I tend to expect an onslaught in return, though I don't actually have to read a response till I'm ready.
You care about him and that's enough. ♥️
I think there's just more stuff to work through when there's significant baggage in a relationship. Both people have to be really good at communication and being aware about what they're feeling. I think in these relationships and any others with a lot of baggage you will find points in the relationship where the baggage is difficult to work through and the questions of "is this worth it" or "can we even fix this" might come up. Those are very personal questions! The answer is no for a lot of people. You have to decide at some point where the line is, and more importantly, why the line is. There's something that makes this person and this relationship worth fighting for to you. Make sure it's genuine. Remember, there's no shame in finding that point and realizing that the struggle isn't worth it for that particular relationship.
been there, done that - seems that as we progress in recovery, the stuff that we tolerated in our relationships/friendships just isn't viable for us anymore. i'm amazed sometimes as to what i've allowed in my life, which is why my circle of friends has diminished greatly, and i don't miss them at all. funny how that works - at one time i didn't think i could get along without them.
hmmm . . what was that hair doing on the ground just as you wrote something positive?
I feel stronger because of this realisation too.
Decision: As hard as it is - I need to refuse all translations except criminal records with no entries (because they are very easy for me ;D) I need to continue my break from translation. I do realise that it's too early to embark on translating children's literature which is still a dream of mine. And here, I can forgive and accept myself that it is the case. But not with other translations.
A couple of people commented that it sounds like a really hard decision to make, and it is. I noticed that while I was talking about it. I can remember thinking and even writing (here? paper Journal?) that it's sad that in a profession where my work is seen objectively, from outside, as good, I still can't do the work with any regularity. cptsd gets in the way every time. Now when I talk about my decision I'm feeling the pain more. Pain at accepting the terrible effect cptsd has had and continues to have on my life. It sounds kind of :dramaqueen: to say "terrible effect" but I think nonetheless it has had a terrible effect in a ton of different ways. It's an illness and debilitating. Or injury, if you like, and debilitating. :'(
Those translations I'm meant to have completed... :no: :no: :no:
Well, I have to finish them somehow
No sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.
QuoteNo sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.
You go girl!
it sounds like a good idea, on paper or doing it. i know it's a huge difference tho. supporting you on this, sending strength if you need it.
i think your fighting spirit is commendable, bb. whether you can 'translate' that into action remains to be seen. however, it's there, and i see that as a pos. sign. you're getting there, making progress. i wonder if that thought would have even entered your mind 6 mos. ago.
i'm glad you're seeing boundaries for yourself more clearly. i think that's a great step. sending love and hugs, sweetie.
there was a time when i watched the same 2 movies night after night just for the comfort and routine of them to get me to another day. that went on for months.
QuoteNo sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.
You go girl!
This one I've set in motion now! It did take me about 24 hours to be able to set a new price, but I've done it. I've also closed my email pgm to give myself a break, summon up emotional strength again etc.
I was so surprised at how relaxed I looked, smiling broadly at some points, especially at the beginning before I started talking. I looked animated at times too. This is a huge change.
Big chunk of healing going on now :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I know that that looks like a long time but it isn't really. It's quite simply the time I need to heal, the time I need to conceivably write something beneficial going forwards and not blank out completely ["Dear FOO mbr, Blank".]
(I do have cptsd but at least I'm working on myself and admit to it!!).Exactly, something that takes a lot of courage too
well, if i may, i'll feel something for you - :pissed:
So this is what I get when I ask for more contact with my niece and goddaughter, more contact with her parents too.
I didn't have any flashbacks in church this time :) I enjoyed the music and singing and candles and the quiet peacefulness. There as well as at the midnight gathering, I felt this real feeling of belonging! That means so much to me
I felt this real feeling of belonging!
i've always thought that if someone was singing, no matter what it sounded like, it meant that their heart was light. same with whistling. people usually don't do either when they're down in the dumps.
Trigger warning si
there's a part of me that always suggests throwing in the towel, even when I know life is good and improving, it's not my intention or desire it's so frustrating just to have it pop up in your head uninvited.
I don't know about you, but I tend to put too high expectations out of myself so I get overwhelmed and stressed out, and it reduces my ability to get anything done, and I ultimatedly end up failing. Not because I'm not good at it, but because I expect to be able to do too much too soon.This is me in a nutshell.
This evening I picked up a large sheet of paper that's been lying on a pile in the corner for a year :whistling: - my attempt to write a list of Goals about this time last year. I gave up on it last January though. This evening I wrote all sorts of goals and in-between steps to help me reach those goals and have taped it to the wall. Some blockage has just become unblocked :) :cheer:
I may not complete all the goals and allowing myself this helps me not feel pressure. But it also really helps me to have a list like this on the wall.
I also feel now it's an anticlimax phase. I made my decision to stop looking for p/t employment and to accept that I do have certain limitations in the working world, and happy and healthy ever after. But :doh: that's not how it works. Feel good for a few days at making this decision then go back to my normal struggles of even getting up, or seeing the good instead of the bad, or not giving in to depression, or just 'getting on with things'
I've had a new monitor on my computer since Thurs. This is good, my monitor was making very strange noises but my printer is still not working properly. The computer guy sent me a link but I haven't managed to work it out. Feel a bit useless. :fallingbricks: Though really he probably sent it to me to help, so I wouldn't have to pay for him to come again. He knows I'm not well and earnings are slim. NTS - be brave and ask him to come again.
So :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :cheer: to me
Quite a lot going on in my head atm but when I try to put it into words or write it down, it disappears.
Yesterday I was reading a book on zero waste, which wasn't all about plastic bags etc. No, also about wasting time versus using it for the people and activities which really matter to you. So it hit me afterwards once again - why on earth would I spend my time and energy in a FOO like mine when I feel so bad with them and afterwards??
Those of us on here spending time healing and all that entails (including in my case spending time doing seemingly 'nothing') isn't a waste of time at all. We know that we need it.
The author even mentions that adults who don't take enough breaks and downtime tend to get sick so like you tell your daughter, it's not a waste at all to rest.
Yes, me too, I need time for 'digesting' what's going on with cptsd and then time for doing what feels like nothing.
It sounds like you are doing tons of self care - physical, emotional, spiritual.
I know I can only change mine, not hers. Though I also know that in changing the way i react, I might be able to defuse the situation better than I'm doing atm.
Also me having the courage to just sing, regardless of whatever anybody else might think. :cheer:
_
whereas 12 Step space - whether literature, inventory or group - is no longer safe for me.:cheer: for realizing that 12 step is not helpful for you right now.
I'm still on a roll, getting all sorts of bits and pieces done. :) One super good thing: finally have an appointment with new landlord next week. I've never met him, his company bought out our building without really looking at it, but I have a list of things that need to be dealt with and he wasn't responding to my emails. I spoke to his secretary today. I had to be feelign fairly energetic and courageous to get on with that.:cheer: :applause:
I'm still on a roll, getting all sorts of bits and pieces done. :) One super good thing: finally have an appointment with new landlord next week. I've never met him, his company bought out our building without really looking at it, but I have a list of things that need to be dealt with and he wasn't responding to my emails. I spoke to his secretary today. I had to be feelign fairly energetic and courageous to get on with that.
I am getting a bit better at forgiving myself.
Me too busy :cheer: Changed days!
I finally dared to ask a question on my professional association's website
Today I spent a lot of time outside in the garden which meant I was surrounded by greenery and fresh air. I took my Furries down with me and picked greens for them for later tonight and tomorrow. I did various gardening jobs including cutting grass and sowing wild flower seeds both of which need a certain degree of methodical work. I also took lots of breaks and gazed at the Furries and/or did crossword puzzles and the like. Obviously I managed to stay out of bed for the duration. I feel better grounded and less likely to start drifting apart.
I got an email from my T that he can give me an appointment on Wednesday. I partially feel ashamed at needing T again. But that shame is an ICr.
the old injuries of having to put up and shut up in FOO while they lied, distorted the truth, gaslighted and played Devil's Advocate and plain provoked me just for the fun of it, are too near the surface.
However one woman came over to me and suggested I move places and come and sit with her and a couple of other women, so I accepted that gladly.
Therapy was absolutely brilliant today. So many revelations! Forget what I wrote up above. My T says my actions were wonderful. I will explain more tomorrow.Or I will explain even later ;)
So another revelation and huge step forwards last time in T: I was finally able to really believe it and say that I suffered appallingly bad emotional abuse growing up in FOO. I was able to tell line up my ICs and Inner Teens in a row in my mind and tell them that they were appallingly badly abused emotionally.
I get the desire to change that and then remember why I left in the first place.
I've come away realising that I have made progress in all sorts of little ways. I now feel calmer and also a bit more motivated to get on with a couple of things I had planned for today. I have done quite a few things already, especially housework. It was long overdue.
you know, personally, i don't think that's necessarily catastrophising. i don't know, either, if that's automatically in the EF category. it may just be a natural response to the unknown.
That's awesome Blueberry in so glad you are finding some heading from you hurt. I'm sorry your childhood seems to be similar to mine I guess that at least gives me some hope that I'll find heading at some point too. Anyway when I don't have words I figure at least a hug shows in here for you. Hope you have a good evening. :hug:
Today after months, I was finally back playing keyboard and practising hymns for choir and just for my own enjoyment. I'm back to using more of my senses again instead of just cognitive activities. I also did some throwing out. Always a good sign when I have an impulse to do that!
So deleting was certainly a step forward :applause: :cheer:
o, blueberry, i remember the ll stuff from last year - so sorry you're going thru it again. i hope you find a way to get what you need (i know that feeling of revenge - i've even had it with docs, like if i tell them what i see is going wrong, they'll somehow not treat me correctly!) so, yeah, not a fun feeling at all.
i know you're not a pain for getting done what's due you, tho. i also know how it can feel that way.
i remember when you had those problems with the stuff from other tenants in the hallway, and that was supposed to be taken care of by your ll, and you'd have to haul or clean up the mess. or, am i not remembering correctly?
I'm also noting that I need to watch the way I describe situations myself, so not "I always have to fight and nobody pays attention anyway" but "I threatened my ll with legal repercussions and he acted immediately." I was successful, it worked!!
Not my job. Not my job. Not my job.
I have done this type of work bit by bit over and over again and it is somebody else's turn!
I'm my experience healthy relationship have disagreements like you said. You can't agree on everything. Being able to disagree hash it out and move beyond it is the test of the friendship.