Out of the Storm

So continuing with beneficial and constructive but edging in a bit with self-accountable. Not expecting a full turn-around on this, healing over night or anything but just giving myself a gentle nudge.

I already started about 5-6 weeks ago with taking my thyroid supplements daily despite knowing that there's a rebel in me somewhere who doesn't like doing things regularly, especially things that are beneficial to me. That rebel's being surprisingly quiet atm though. Never a squeak about me and these meds. Being accountable to self means continuing this post some other time when I'm less tired  ;)

well done, blueberry.   glad that little rebel is stepping back in the name of personal health.  keep taking care of you, sweetie, on every level.  love and hugs.

Quote from: Blueberry on August 25, 2018, 03:20:30 AM
So continuing with beneficial and constructive but edging in a bit with self-accountable.

Wishing you the best with this, Blueberry.

   :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :)  The self-accountable doesn't feel so easy. Probably I need to have a look at in what concrete ways I already am self-accountable and in what further ways I could become so. But go slowly. This is a Yikes kind of topic and step for me.

It's definitely very beneficial for me to have Little Furries to petsit for 10 days  :yes:

They came on Saturday so I figured it's time I sat down with them and got them a bit better habituated to me. So I sat on a chair in front of their spacious accommodation and nibbled certain juicy, crunchy, delectable items of raw vegetable. If the Little Furries could salivate they would've been doing so. Instead they managed to extend their necks really long and were sniffing around excitedly and then I broke off little bits of veg and reached far back into their accommodation. Slowly, slowly Little Furries began taking little bits of veg from my outstreched fingers. Then as they got more daring, they came to the front part of their accommodation, putting their little paws on my knees, hardly able to contain themselves waiting for the next bite. Within a short space of time, they were both pretty tame and trusting. And I have been eating those pieces of healthy, nutritious raw veg. Little Furries would not have been interested in any sugary snacks. It was really fun feeding them and talking to them about how brave and clever they were being  :)

Unfortunately I noticed that I'll need to do a spot of accountable to Little Furries tomorrow. It looks as if one of them has a slight medical problem which will probably entail a vet visit.  :thumbdown: Since I can't do that tonight anyway, I thought I'd be nice to Little Furry and not haul him out of his accommodation to have a closer look till later tonight or tomorrow. I notice my energy zooming off at the thought of having to deal with a medical problem. But it's part of petsitting. I have to deal if it turns out necessary. Traditionally it has been easier for me to look after my pets than myself. So I'll see here how it goes.

Accountable to self in other ways: I feel  :fallingbricks: about the number of emails I 'ought to be' writing: to enF, to B2, to the friend I'm trying to sort things with, and a few business ones as well. Being accountable to myself would entail letting that all slide until I really feel as if I can without stressing myself needlessly and then resorting to addictive behaviour.

This sounds like a wonderful venture Blueberry. I am glad to hear you are starting to keep that regular healthy thing going, that rebel being a little quieter is good in this instance. Wishing you lots of luck with the fur babies (mine found a way into the closet with our water heater today).  :cheer:

Thanks Elpha! Beneficial and constructive aren't new but when they were new I suppose they felt as strange and as difficult as accountable does now.

I was accountable to the Furries. I took them to the vet's and I didn't have any kind of plummet in energy. I took them by cargo bike, which is a first for me for a vet trip. I'm still getting used to the cargo bike but it went well and the success of that gives me more energy rather than taking away. Also being accountable and getting that vet trip done and finding out that yes Furry does have a slight medical problem gives me energy too. I wasn't being hypochondriac.

I had a little breakthrough in understanding today, which is beneficial.

Just after Horrendous FOO Event no. 2 it occurred to me out of the blue that the word for my sibs' treatment of me at the Event was "callous". Back home I was trying to explain that to a few people, but in my day-to-day working language if I back-translate the word for "callous", it's "unfeeling". For me there's a definite difference between "callous" and "unfeeling". "Callous" is worse, there's something about it that's more actively nasty but I could never really put my finger on it.

Then it kind of hit me this evening: what my sibs and in fact most adults in FOO (excepting one SIL basically) were exuding was various degrees of "it's only Blueberry, she doesn't matter. " That may be unfeeling, but it's also callous. Most of them hadn't seen me for 4 years and wouldn't be likely to again - even from their perspective - for another couple at least. But that apparently didn't matter because it was only me. They probably thought they could go back to what contact had been before Horrendous Event, which included occasional phone calls and 'normal' things like Xmas cards or contact from me to my nieces and nephews (all small). They were wrong though. I decided on very low contact and I'm sticking to that.

Some theoretical person following my 'story' on here might ask: "What's new there? BB has said all that before." Answer: The context in which this all occurred to me - I was ruminating on this thing with a friend that I've written about here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9265.0 and also on the Blog as a question to Pete Walker. I don't think she's callous the way most FOO mbrs are towards me but there seems to have been a "my stuff more important than BB's stuff" going on as well as an inability to understand my pov and inability to make any compromise before it was too late. With this friend, I feel burn-out. Yes, it would've been good if I had been able to set limits earlier than I did, but I'm still in my healing process (so is my friend) and I wasn't able to.  So I need a long, long break from contact with her - time to heal basically, and then see if there's much left to say, or how can we pick up the friendship and move forwards? Or can we at all? At the moment I can't. So I won't. Giving myself and a whole host of other topics in my life priority, whereas up until about 6 months ago I was putting her above many topics in my life. Mistake. Big mistake. Another bit of progress: I'm not giving myself a hard time about this :cheer: It's all part of my healing process, that's all.

Quote from: Blueberry on August 28, 2018, 09:46:30 PM
I had a little breakthrough in understanding today, which is beneficial.

Very glad you've had a little breakthrough in understanding, and that it's been beneficial. 
:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :)    :hug: :hug: back to you. I haven't read in your Journal recently because I feel kind of burned out.

___________________________________

I spent a good part of the afternoon in the garden, sorting through papers and either filing in appropriate place or throwing out. Sometimes I sort through papers and throw the relevant ones out, but still have a stack of 'keepers' that aren't yet filed in the correct place. Needless to say it's more beneficial if I file them all. I think more self-accountable too because I'm actually finishing the job.

I can already feel something a bit like anxiety creeping up in me at the number of things I didn't do today and *have to* do by tomorrow, Friday, the weekend, Monday... (depending on task). The feeling of *have to* is more or less never helpful. I don't actually have to do these things piling up in my brain. They're in planning, but if I don't manage them, neither I nor the world will come to a sticky end. So, beneficial to note that!

Today I had my Furries with me. They enjoyed being outside in the garden. The weather's meant to turn a bit autumnal or at least rain tomorrow so it feels good to me that I bothered to put them outside today. I would regret it tomorrow if I couldn't put them out at all during their stay with me because of rain.

i hope you can rectify those 'have to's' for yourself - put in that context, they almost sound like 'shoulds' to me.  don't know if that's exactly true, but it was a sense i got when reading what you wrote.

words and their meanings are very important to me, and i totally understand what you're saying about the difference between callous and unfeelling.  callous does seem to have a sharper edge to it, possibly even some neg. intent. 

i'm also glad you got to work in the garden for a bit, let the furries get some fresh air and earthy smells.  it feels like a fun little picture in my mind.  keep up the good work, sweetie.  i think you're doing really well.  keep taking care of you first, always.   love and hugs.

Yes, you're right san, they're more like 'coulds' that turned into 'shoulds' and then 'have tos'. In the meantime, life played a blinder. I injured my foot so I keep remembering to rest my leg and foot and elevate it or at least be lying down with my leg no lower than the rest of me. This rather scuppers all those 'shoulds' and 'have tos'  :bigwink:

I think you got your finger on it, there's some neg. intent with "callous" whereas with "unfeeling" you might have no real intent, you're just ignoring something that's going on.

My fur babies loved being in the garden, trotting about and choosing their own food all within a very small protected area but nonetheless... Change of scenery, change of underfoot, change of air quality.  :)   Since yesterday it's been raining, which is looooong overdue, but I'm glad I put the Furries out that one time. I wouldn't be going through the effort with my injured foot anyway.

Thank you as always for pointing out progress or "doing well". Puts a  :) on my face.  :hug: :hug: back to you.

Thank you BeHea1thy for the validation, and for reading  :)

Being able to look back and see the difference is one of the things that keep me going consistently and that have kept me going for years on this healing journey.

I seem to have a long history of discounting myself and go from one friendship or even situation to another discounting myself or allowing myself to be discounted. Partially I have those 'blinders' on, being blind to how someone is treating me because it used to feel dangerous and scary to stand up for myself in case somebody then pushed me out of the circle of people, the way FOO did for years and still does. But I am beginning to heal from all that and to feel stronger in myself, less reliant on other people, and so I can let go of other people. I'm making progress  :)

I've been sorting through various stacks of papers on and off. Yesterday evening I saw an article about caretaking burnout and it was about caretaking of those with mental health problems. What the article stressed particularly was the need for self-care to avoid burn out. I didn't do enough self-care in contact with this friend, I went over my own limits too much and I'm not even her caretaker! I really really need to watch myself in these types of situations. Burnt out is how I feel. That's why I couldn't do one more thing for her. I never sent her a condolences card when her mother died because I just couldn't do one other thing without sorting out what's going on. And so it remains.

I was over at OOTF for a while and saw this tag line: "Manipulation is deception at its highest art form. It is my attempt to make you believe that what is best for me is best for you." (Beth Moore)

Appropriate for what this friend seems to have been doing to me, at least some of the time.

The "but it's not all the time" excuse I know all too well from FOO and I do  :aaauuugh: or :rolleyes: about it now. So the fact that this friend doesn't act this way all the time is irrelevant. I've even thought a bit of The Cycle of Abuse in this case, the way I've been letting all this happen.

One problem I'm having or rather that I'm doing to myself is not being assertive enough with "No."

That's how I allowed the friend I've been ruminating on for the last while to go over my boundaries, that's how I allowed a previous friend to go over my boundaries too often. Not all people consistently go over my boundaries, but those who do? They require a definite, unequivocal "No." Possibly followed by "I don't want this." In some cases maybe followed by a rhetorical "What part of 'no' don't you understand?" and then leave area. I think the latter question might be good for my garden neighbour and especially her mother (who doesn't officially live here, she comes and does gardening work for her daughter).

My T has pointed this out to me before and today it suddenly occurred to me. Earlier today I moved the potted plants neighbour's mother put in my part of the garden back to neighbour's garden. Pretty unequivocal too. I'd prefer to be able to give a resounding 'No' that would be respected.

I feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude". Goes back to FOO not accepting my verbal 'no' whereas their forms of 'no' - physical violence - were OK??  :stars: OK, they weren't rude exactly, they were , well, violent. Abusive. As san says it's like trying to make sense out of nonsense, like trying to build a tower out of jello. It doesn't work, it can't work.

Saying 'No' in a more assertive manner = self-accountable.  :)

QuoteI feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude".

Seems to me they were rude first. You're taking the high ground and not being harsh, you're just standing up for your own preferences. That is OKAY TO DO!

I like the "broken record" act, because I seem to allow myself to get drawn into debates about things that don't need to be debated (my own wishes, preferences, etc.). Instead of thinking of a polite response to what the other person is saying, just restating my position and repeating it as many times as necessary seems to work well for me. (The other party tends to get real tired of hearing the same thing over and over! ;))

Putting the plants back where they belonged was a nice thing to do. They were lost and needed to go home.  ;)

I've been on here quite a while but a lot of the time I was actually reading some of my own old posts. Although that's rumination and not getting on with life, I find it useful. However now I'm getting off this area of the computer so I can do a little work I need to. This is being self-accountable.

I've decided to remove the "self-accountable" from my recovery goals because it occurred to me it's like all-encompassing goals I sometimes had in the past: "to heal", "to get better" or goals I've been told are important for those of us with cptsd: "heal from the victim role", "stop being 'waify' ". None are specific enough. I wonder too if it's not a replacement for the goal I recently decided against: "to be able to work again" (full-time, part-time, as an employee... or whatever else).

There are so many ways in which I could be accountable to self, it's too much, too overwhelming. Last night when thinking about being self-accountable in one particular way - what I have forgotten - I wanted to go on an eating rampage. I didn't do so. But that tells me: careful, careful. Small steps.

What I did do last night was write my Highly Recommended / Could list for today and think that going back to writing it every day would be a constructive way of adding little bits of self-accountability to my life.           

Quote from: Three Roses on September 02, 2018, 04:25:50 PM

QuoteI feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude".

Seems to me they were rude first. You're taking the high ground and not being harsh, you're just standing up for your own preferences. That is OKAY TO DO!

Thanks for cheering me on. I hadn't really thought about my neighbours being rude first. The "it's rude" sentence is of course something from my childhood. Idk if others on here remember that too? Being 'shut up' by parents / grandparents / any other elders because either your objections to somebody going over your boundaries  or just you stating your preferences were "rude". They were rude by definition because these people were older than you or more important or something. So I guess it's a mild EF as usual.

Quote from: Three Roses on September 02, 2018, 04:25:50 PM
I like the "broken record" act, because I seem to allow myself to get drawn into debates about things that don't need to be debated (my own wishes, preferences, etc.). Instead of thinking of a polite response to what the other person is saying, just restating my position and repeating it as many times as necessary seems to work well for me. (The other party tends to get real tired of hearing the same thing over and over! ;))

"Allowing myself to get drawn into debates about things that are not up for debate" used to be one of my middle names. But I'm beginning to let it go. Repeating like a broken record and not allowing somebody to derail you is probably one method of being assertive. I'm working towards that now.

Quote from: Three Roses on September 02, 2018, 04:25:50 PM
Putting the plants back where they belonged was a nice thing to do. They were lost and needed to go home.  ;)

:rofl:

Quote"Allowing myself to get drawn into debates about things that are not up for debate" used to be one of my middle names.

That's a long middle name! Hard to fit it in the little boxes on forms!

I've changed the third of my next steps to 'mindful' since that's what I'm working on atm with eating and all other food related topics. I notice being mindful about that is leading to me being a bit more mindful in general, which is definitely beneficial! Like this afternoon I was mindful of my reluctance to continue reading in my professional magazines and deciding on filing or throwing out. So it was obviously time to stop and I did.

As I think I wrote somewhere else yesterday, e.g. under Recovery Letters or FOO, enF phoned friends of mine to get information about me. I haven't spent too much time thinking about it consciously. A few times today something has occurred to me and then my mind has moved onto other things. Progress. At one point I realised I was angry but without feeling uncontrollable rage. This is novel for me, it really feels good. Uncontrollable rage doesn't feel good at all because among other things it takes me back into immediate post-trauma feelings, like being a victim and not able to change that at all, no escape.

The Little Furries are going to be collected by their owners tomorrow morning. It's a shame, I'd be glad to keep them a few more days. Originally they were going to be collected in the late afternoon so I thought I could have them out in the garden with me one last time. Oh well. That's how it goes.

So happy to read about your progress!  :cheer: It sounds like you've been working really hard, and it's wonderful to read that you're noticing it's effects.

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to give you a hug today - if that's ok  :hug:  I know that the little Furries are going home - and I hope you'll be ok.  You gave them a lovely home for their holiday - I am sure they appreciated that. 
I think your 'mindful' approach sounds positive.  Wishing you the best with it.
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :)   :hug: is great. Yes, the Little Furries were collected today. I did manage to give them 30 minutes in the garden before they went home and they really enjoyed that. Their owners were very appreciative of my care and have asked if they can bring them again despite a fairly long drive here.

Just today there's an email asking me if I could look after 2 more Little Furries towards the end of the month, so that's nice. I don't have to wait months and months. It's a bit strange atm - whenever I go into the room where the Furries were living, I almost speak to them and then remember that they're not there. It's interesting how quickly I get back into the habit of that.

My mindful approach to eating is bringing changes already.

Thank you Sceal too for commenting and cheering  :)

_____________________________________

I'm very tired today but this is hardly surprising since it felt as if I didn't sleep a wink last night. Maybe I did Idk. But I definitely got up at about 5am and started tidying a shelf that had all sorts of bits of paper on it. It looks much better, but sleep would have been more beneficial.

Quote from: Three Roses on September 02, 2018, 04:25:50 PM

QuoteI feel as if there's a damper in my throat not allowing that resounding "NO!" to come out because "it's rude".

Seems to me they were rude first. You're taking the high ground and not being harsh, you're just standing up for your own preferences. That is OKAY TO DO!

Thank you again, Three Roses! This is so applicable to what's going on in my head and emotions re: my email response to enF. I don't even want to check my emails in case there's a reply from him. I can 'hear' him and my M haranguing me about being "rude" though all I did was question that inappropriate phone call enF made behind my back. Individuating is "rude" apparently, especially when done by me. And yeah, in my email response I'm standing up for what is good for me, what I need in my healing journey. Not that I wrote that, not wanting to give any extra ammunition and I don't owe them an explanation.

❤️❤️❤️

Thanks 3Roses  :hug:

I had forgotten until today that when I make a gigantic step forwards like calling enF out (FOO taboo, the more so because I'm doing it) that my reactions that send me spiralling back down again are delayed.

I'm not doing too badly considering. I didn't get up till noonish but when I did I started listening to a CD, singing with it and moving a little. Not dancing as such which would be too much atm but more just taking steps and/or swaying gently.

I also took both meds and had some breakfast. I didn't force myself to have a shower though I really do need one. It's more beneficial for me to do things I feel inspired to do like singing along with the CD rather than things I really have to force myself to do and even then it may not work. I didn't force myself to go outside either, even though it's a very nice sunny autumn day. I still needed to feel safe inside my own four walls.

Last night I ate things I shouldn't have and in a quantity I shouldn't have either. But I'll write more about that over on the Eating Issues thread.

Possibly I need a break after working hard, as Sceal pointed out further upthread.

We all need a break after working hard, I think you doing the things you want to do today rather than have to, or should, is more beneficial for you. Self care is important. The shower isn't going anywhere, you can take it tomorrow, or on tuesday.  When you are ready. Same with the rest of the outside world. Some days we need to remain indoor to protect ourselves.  :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on September 09, 2018, 08:08:11 PM
We all need a break after working hard, I think you doing the things you want to do today rather than have to, or should, is more beneficial for you. Self care is important. The shower isn't going anywhere, you can take it tomorrow, or on tuesday.  When you are ready. Same with the rest of the outside world. Some days we need to remain indoor to protect ourselves.  :hug:

This message from you Sceal is still apt. Shower? Maybe Wednesday (today) or Thursday...

I'm taking gigantic steps forward re: FOO atm. Full stop. Need to feel safe in order to do that. Need not push myself to do anything else atm.

sounds like you have both priorities and boundaries in place, sweetie.  keep at it and good luck with your foo stuff.  wishing you all the best.   love and hugs.

Quote from: Blueberry on September 03, 2018, 06:17:39 PM

"Allowing myself to get drawn into debates about things that are not up for debate" used to be one of my middle names.

I almost leapt into one of these debates today but managed to stop myself just in time.  :)  :applause: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I suppose noticing that is a result of being mindful. I'm not being very mindful about a whole host of other things tho atm. This FOO stuff really gets to me. But I do know I'm moving forwards.

Came onto the forum now because it's more beneficial I think than a whole host of other things I've been doing to put off what I'm really meant to be doing. I need to get Little Furry living quarters cleaned and set up for the two who are coming today, in one hour in fact.

I feel wordless, speechless, action-less. It is getting easier to accept that I stood up to FOO again, this time enF. I'm even feeling a little pride that I did. A lot of things are slotting into place, becoming clear about FOO, and I'm managing to let more of my hopes go e.g. hope for contact with my little niece / goddaughter.

QuoteIt is getting easier to accept that I stood up to FOO again, this time enF. I'm even feeling a little pride that I did.

Go, you!  :cheer:

Thanks 3Roses.

Keeping going daily with mindful and constructive steps is quite difficult atm. I got some children's books out of the library to read and fell asleep reading them. That's quite beneficial. I had tried some more adult activities like having a look at a local exhibition that's moving on in 2 weeks. Even though it's on something which normally really interests me, I'd didn't have the intellectual stamina to read the titles of most of the exhibits, far less the rest of the text.

These phases do pass however, even though it still seems difficult to believe that in the middle of one, so it could be by the beginning of next week or even earlier that I'll be back on my feet in all respects and no longer feeling anxiety reading a 10 year old's book I don't know the ending of.  :doh:

It's only a day later and it feels as if several days have passed. I got on with some work this afternoon and evening. Tutored a new student, wrote and printed out a contract for her, and then for a current onewho's been waiting a couple of weeks. Which means I taught him this week without being paid in advance. I know I will get paid. It doesn't look super-professional but that's just how things are atm.

I made some more advertising to put in my window tomorrow and I'm feeling generally a bit less useless. So that means that the ability to see steps in my life as beneficial is coming back, so the bad phase is lifting a bit already.

I'm definitely doing better today. I managed to go outside and spend a lot of time there. I was in the garden doing some paper work - sorting, filing and so on. I took my guest Fur Babies too since it was so nice and warm and sunny today.

While sorting and filing I even had the feeling that maybe I can keep on doing my easier profession and actually earning a respectable amount of money off it. It feels good that the idea flitted through my mind. I'm not actually pursuing it because I'm keeping with the idea of not putting myself under pressure in the next months. It's as if while sorting papers I'm seeing my unique selling point in the business while getting rid of extraneous information and selling points which are not pursuable for me.

nice observation for yourself, blueberry, even in the midst of your foo encounters.  i really think you're doing well with all this.  keep up the good work.   :yourock:

love and hugs, always.

Back in a slump. Didn't get out of bed till way, way late today. Missed a doc appointment. I knew I had it, I just didn't get up and go. I even wrote my HIghly Recommended/Could list last night. Didn't seem to help me this morning.

I don't want to eat. I dreamt last night that I now weigh 110 kg. It's not true, I know that.

I'm doing a lot less SH than in past few days. That's good.

hate these slumps, even tho i know they're part of this whole picture.  i think it's wonderful that you were able to recognize something pos. for yourself re: less sh.  well done, sweetie.

keep taking care of you as best you can.  if that means bed time, so be it.  i know i've been there, too.  it's not fun.  still, i don't believe it negates the progress you've made.  i do believe that's still valid, as are you.   love and hugs, dearie.

 :hug: I know how it is, Blueberry. You're not alone in this rut.

Thanks Sceal and sanmagic.  :grouphug:

Things are a little better today. I noted I'm not in the kind of mindframe where I can file papers away in the right place, the right way. I did manage to do some other work today though and even felt quite good by the second hour.

There are lots of things I'm not doing atm, things that generally would be beneficial. I note I have trouble following through with plans, like that food and eating-related homework for T? Gave up after a couple of days. Well, when I give a student an exercise that is too difficult though they need to be able to do it e.g. because of upcoming exam, I break it down in smaller steps and/or give them a similar exercise at a lower level. I suppose I need to do the same for myself instead of feeling ashamed that I'm not getting it together. 

Maybe another Recovery Letter on the horizon too?

I am at least still taking the medicine I'm meant to be taking, daily. It doesn't seem much, especially when I compare myself with some others on here, but I've probably passed on that wisdom here already: comparing ourselves to others is not helpful, so that applies to me too.

I didn't sleep much last night so I read back in my paper journal instead. I noted that last fall during one of these therapy workshops I sometimes do I realised I was giving too much to one particular friend but I was putting the burden on myself. I thought the only way out was to get even more help for myself so that I wouldn't feel dependent on her and then I could set her a limit and wouldn't have to worry about her not being willing to support me.

I now know that all sounds very wonky but it's not surprising that that's how I reacted in my mind because that's what I grew up with, that's still how FOO reacts. When I finally put on the brakes versus this friend, she didn't act quite as unhealthily as FOO but still fairly unhealthily. Lots of justifying and not one single "I understand a bit where you're coming from Blueberry". Instead more like "Be glad I spared you some details".

I haven't written back to this friend yet. I read back in my journal also that I tend to remain in bed and not get on with things when memories are resurfacing. I don't think that's quite what's happening now but similar. Emotions are coming up, bubbling up and I don't want to push them down anymore. I want to express them and for that I need courage, strength and energy. I'm gearing up for that atm.

I also think that I could do with doing another one of these therapy workshops soon. I still tend to push the need away by thinking irrelevant things like most other mbrs on here manage without. My T has pointed out that's like not enjoying your meal because there are people starving in other countries. I'm putting myself under pressure again with these thoughts. Those "shoulds" again. You "should" be over this by now. But I'm not. Sometimes I find it hard to accept that I've been working on this stuff for so long - with lots of detours I admit - and although some things improve other things get worse the more aware of them I am. Anyway I just wanted to note that that's how I've been feeling recently. 

I've decided to sign up for the therapy workshop and fortunately there are still a couple of spots available.

Yesterday before I went to bed I did some EFT on my hypervigilance around children topic :cheer:. Either doing that or signing up for therapy workshop or both combined have helped me a bit. I made it to the farm earlier this morning than last week and was able to almost finish my work before coming home again. Where I noticed the most difference was in tutoring. Instead of my brain going round in circles and my not having a clue how to build easier steps into the exercise to give the student a bit of a necessary leg-up, I was able to prepare quickly in advance and then feel on top of things during lesson. I know it's not a skills-based thing for me. No, sometimes I just can't prepare properly and can't teach properly.

Anyway I'm tired now and I'm going to heed the signs and go and do something relaxing.

I got some constructive and beneficial stuff done today like some garden work, including harvesting. Doing that meant I was outside in the fresh air and doing things with my hands, both good things for me. I also took my fur babies with me and they had a good time too.

I'm pretty tired now so logging out.

I went to church this morning which is generally beneficial all by itself if I want to go. It was this time. During the bit where you're meant to be searching your conscience for sinful behaviour and thoughts, I couldn't feel into any of that. I was blocked in that regard. I know this happens when my plate is full up so to speak. When I don't have the wherewithall to deal with anything like that. So it's good I heeded it today. What I did instead was pray for the strength to keep going in a beneficial way.

I've already noticed how that prayer is working out. There were 2 occasions this morning when I wanted to give up, not do the thing that would be helpful and beneficial, go back to bed even. Then I remembered praying for the strength to keep going and reminding myself the strength would be there. It was.  :cheer:

I am very tired, I noticed that in church and when I got home so I need to use mindfulness today too, so that I don't use strength that's not there and collapse tomorrow.

I'm not going to the farm tomorrow even though the original reason why not is gone. I feel generally tired atm and a bit inclined to "everything is too much" so this is a beneficial and mindful decision for me.  :)

I got out some documents I needed to and have emailed them to the appropriate party. I'd already had a reminder about them. The whole process involved quite a few steps so  :cheer:  :applause: to me on going through with it.

I also sent a mbr of FOO an email using Medium Chill and Grey Rock. It wasn't even a particularly controversial topic or anything. But still I notice how my body freezes up especially in my gut and goes numb in other parts and I'm yawning. I also logged out of my email account right away. This is not easy, putting it mildly.

On the plus side, I did a whole bunch of herb harvesting today  :) and picking stuff for my fur babies too. Also some garden clear up. And I've just done some filing of papers while waiting for a download. I also played quite a few rounds of Patience earlier until I felt the impulse to go down into the garden and start my work down there. I didn't force myself to go with "you should..."  :thumbup: :cheer:

I'm pretty tired, I can feel a wave of exhaustion coming. Tomorrow I have therapy which usually does me in for about a week so trying to get some things done today so that they're done and over with. I think I'll cancel at the farm this week, just don't have the wherewithall. That's being mindful of what I need.

Have had some email contact with a FOO mbr and although the response was neutral to marginally positive, it still feels strenuous.

Therapy was good today. My T helped me analyse and understand my observations on eating, food-shopping, cooking etc. He helped me see in what ways I can move forward with observing. Some of the ideas I came up with myself, or just remarked that the observing is simply mindfulness. My new homework is to feel in those situations where I was blocking feeling. So when shopping in a shop, pause before I even go in, breathe, try and feel a little bit. Just a little bit. Dip my toe in the water rather than leaping straight in. Or if that doesn't work, try and imagine what I might be feeling.

I had forgotten in advance that he hadn't wanted a day-by-day account, he just wanted to hear some observations so we could work together on them and find some common threads. He didn't intimate in any way that I'd done too much or too little. But I needn't have worried as I think I did over on the Eating Issues thread about not observing on enough days and otherwise haranguing myself.

I talked about the most recent FOO stuff. I noted it was hard for me to say that I thought enF's latest stuff was not OK! There's still a feeling of 'maybe I'm being too harsh' / 'maybe it's understandable that enF is "worried" '. Also a worry that T will probably side with enF since they're both older men. I didN't even mention that worry to T, I probably should next time. Oops. "Should is never good for me." Correction: it could be beneficial for myself to mention that next time.

Seems a difficult topic, body parts have gone numb again. So I'll go off and listen to some music and move about. Maybe I'll even go to choir practice.

I did go to choir practice :cheer: and that was definitely beneficial in quite a number of ways. Since then e.g. I've had snippets of the songs running through my head which uplifts my mood all by itself. Also when I'm by myself, I find I'm moving my body in small ways to the music in my head. I've noticed before that just slight movements can help me not to freeze. Generally though I think I'm expressing joy and fun viscerally.

NTS: When I achieve a lot one day, I often need the next day as down time. Today is that down time ;) Last night I wrote my Recommended / Could list for today and it had about as many items on it as I achieved yesterday, maybe even more. NTS: That's a recipe for staying in bed and just not getting up. So good to remember the day before when I write my list to include items like Rest, Take breaks. When I put those on my list to tick off then I'm more likely to do them from time to time throughout the day and I'm less likely to harangue myself with "You're wasting time", "You should be doing this, that or the other" and things like that.

I started writing something on one of Sceal's threads. Then I realised that it could be too much for Sceal to read and also I'm writing it as much for myself as for her:

"We're just fine as we are. It's a gift to the world that you and I exist and we don't have to make up for our existence in any way." (making up by over-achieving, perfectionism etc)

I don't quite believe it yet really deep down but working on it, it's good to remind myself.

Blueberry,
Wow! Reading your post made me realize that I'm similar! I need a little downtime the day after I've made a lot of progress.  I never would have had that thought on my own or even realized how I could help myself after a big day.  Thankyou.  Isn't it nice that just by reading about others... something can jump out about ourselves?
Much love  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on September 27, 2018, 12:07:17 PM

I started writing something on one of Sceal's threads. Then I realised that it could be too much for Sceal to read and also I'm writing it as much for myself as for her:

"We're just fine as we are. It's a gift to the world that you and I exist and we don't have to make up for our existence in any way." (making up by over-achieving, perfectionism etc)

I don't quite believe it yet really deep down but working on it, it's good to remind myself.

That is beautiful, Blueberry. Like you, I don't quite believe it. But it is beautiful regardless. It reminds me that there were some scientists at Harvard that were trying to figure out the probability of someone being born, out of all the cells and probability that our parents would met at that time, and so on. I think it's possible to google it. But the chance of you being born and I being born is so small which makes us all a miracle.

And writing down "Rest" "enjoy x" and "meals" are definitively things I put on my to do list, they need to be done. I'm glad you're doing it too.

Words are hard for me rn too Sceal so just  :) :) :) at your reaction to my post.  :sunny:

 :cheer: :hug:

Quote from: Deep Blue on September 27, 2018, 01:15:26 PM
Blueberry,
Wow! Reading your post made me realize that I'm similar! I need a little downtime the day after I've made a lot of progress.  I never would have had that thought on my own or even realized how I could help myself after a big day.  Thankyou.  Isn't it nice that just by reading about others... something can jump out about ourselves?
Much love  :hug:

Thank you for commenting Deep Blue. I'm such a prolific poster :whistling: it's good to know when my posts help others on here too.

And yes, for me it's one of the beneficial aspects on here that I read others' posts and learn about myself, see new things on my healing journey.

_______________________________

I came back on the forum again because of mulling something in my mind. I'm getting better at making decisions in my head or mulling them in my paper journal but I guess some decisions not yet.

I had intended to go with a group of friends/acquaintances to play mini-golf today. Being mindful in the last half hour tells me there are other things that I wouldn't necessarily prefer to do but that I think I need to do, like showering and washing my hair. It's not so much that I think I 'should' shower and wash hair but that I really need to and it will help me begin my week better, feeling less as if I'm behind hand already and it's only Sunday evening / Mon. early morning.

It feels more like I 'should' go to the mini-golf game. It's a really nice idea but it's the wrong day for me, maybe? Many days are wrong for me, it's true, but that's just the way it is. Anyway it's not as if the group asked in advance "Who can come which day?" and I swung the choice with today. In that case I would feel more of an obligation to go. Now I feel more I 'should' go to support somebody else having had the gumption to suggest and arrange something that doesn't just involve sitting about yakking, possibly slagging me off, and eating. Also the woman who had the gumption is not one of the ones who slags me off. She also won't take it badly and/or get huffy if I don't show up. I genuinely like doing that kind of activity - playing a game, getting mild exercise - but there's too much of a list of other things to do today including more EFT.

I suddenly realised half an hour ago why EFT is so useful for my healing. I'm negating years and years of criticism, scorn and ridicule from FOO (and sometimes others) on more or less all aspects of my being. I'm saying that I accept myself despite any failings, perceived failings, failings as far as FOO is concerned etc. So it's good to get on with EFT when there's one to do. 1) "I accept myself even though I changed my mind." 2) "I accept myself even though I decided against doing a fun activity with other people." (A memory turns up showing why that's difficult.)  3) "I accept myself although I don't drive and don't want to." If I get through all that today, I'll need a pile of self-care too so as to not collapse with exhaustion.

Also I feel as if I have a backlog of emails and postcards to write and send and a backlog of topics to clear with friends and FOO. It feels like too much waiting to be done. Maybe I can get at least one of these done today? Earlier I started on an email reply to one friend. That feels less pressing now at least, even though not finished. Edited: No, no, if I do those 3 EFT topics, that'll be enough for today in processing anything.

Feel exhausted already at just having written that. Though it's difficult for me, good self-care would involve having my shower and washing my hair. It'll probably make me feel more awake since I'll be using various senses including smell (the scent of my shower gel :) )

I was thinking I "should" respond to one last post on here before signing off but then noticed I don't have the emotional energy or words for it. So I didn't. It's not my job as Mod to do so. I may, but I don't have to. I certainly shouldn't when my own energy is about to disappear.

There are a number of things I ought to be doing IRL so I'm ready to work in an hour e.g.

That's excellent self care Blueberry.  Proud of you for fighting the "shoulds"
:applause:

 :cheer: :cheer:

I seemed to have needed a bunch of down time today too. I didn't write any list last night, far less a too full one. There are quite a lot of 'shoulds' in my head though.

Yesterday most of what I did was at the farm. I did some of my own paid work back at home in the evening. I feel depressed an depressive atm. One reason is the weather. It has gone very autumnal, without the rain though. Just cold and windy. Can hardly complain after all the sun and heat in the summer. My M despised heat and sun, preferred the cold. i grew up not knowing what to do in hottish weather. I live in a region that gets hotter than anywhere I grew up but not that hot either. I've grown to like it and not so much the cooler seasons. Sure, a nice sunny, snowy winter day - it's pretty and the air can be really clear and nice but I don't hanker after it so much.

Richard Adams, the author of "Watership Down" wrote somewhere that when people say they enjoy winter, they enjoy being able to keep warm and snug in winter. Without that ability, it's a difficult and threatening time of year, as it is for wild animals too. I'm not threatened by cold weather but at this time of year when it gets a little cold and I haven't put my central heating back on because it doesn't work well or efficiently at marginal times of year, I notice the cold tends to make me depressed. I just want to go back to bed where it's warm. rn it is warm in the room though. I have a radiator on but I still want to hide and not leave the house. I'm not sure what that's about. Maybe because I no longer have Fur Babies staying to look after?

Yesterday at the farm they gave me quite a bit of money. That makes me feel weird. I get payment in kind - food mostly. What I get is generous and it really is enough to cover the work I do, especially on the terms I usually do it. I hadn't been intending to go this week on Wednesday or Friday but one of them said they really could do with me actually, which surprised me. I thought the work load was tailing off a bit season-wise and there is one less market this week too. I will go but it still doesn't mean they needed to give me a pocketful of money. I finished up my time on Monday reading stories to two of the children which was well-received on all sides and hardly arduous.

Did you remember to write down on your lists when you write them that you need to take rest as well? Is there anyway you can examine those "shoulds" and see if they really are shoulds, or if they can be re-constructed to something else, or just left all alone?

The weather does affect us, I think it is pointless to say otherwise. Personally I love autumn, because it gets a little cooler - but also because of all the pretty colours. But also socially, people doesn't try to show off as much after summer. So I don't have to either. :) But there is something to what Richard Adams says. Being cozy infront of a fireplace (man I wish I had one), or snuggling up in a blanket and looking out and being very grateful that I'm not outside? But that aside, research shows that when the darker months come there is such a thing as winter-depression. There's less sunlight around. Although the research has mainly been done in countries above the artic circle such as Canada and scandinavia. But I think it affects others too, and also some people are more predisposed to it.  Could you try to add some Vitamin D supplements to yourself these coming months, maybe it can help a little?

i'm affected by the seasons, too, especially at the time they change.  those first few days of temp. change.  daylight savings time upsets me as well. 

being in our new place, we still haven't had a full year of changing seasons.  supposedly, we're heading into a rainy season, altho these first 3 months are going to be drier than usual, so they say.  we'll see.  the temp itself doesn't vary much, either, from summer to winter.  it'll be interesting.  our summer was much milder than all the heat waves i've read about, but i'm not a fan of the heat, so i loved it.

i agree that it's those in-between times of the year that can be the most uncomfortable.  as you said, even the heating systems don't quite know what to do.  i woke up cold this morning for the first time.  will have to put more effort into closing the window for the night, i guess.  or wear warmer clothes to bed.  such a dilemma!

love and hugs, sweetie.

Today when I finally got myself out of the house, I noticed it was warmer outside than in. Things to be grateful for: it wasn't snowing or raining. Makes a difference when I intend to cycle a fair distance, which I did do today.

The 'shoulds' are correspondence. Just so many emails or letters I 'should' have written or 'should' be writing. All personal. All difficult, apparently, even the easier, non-controversial ones seem to be difficult. I suppose in the case of the non-controversial ones it's that perfectionist streak again. Maybe something else too. In the case of the other ones, it just exhausts me so much, just trying to stand up for myself.

Today I was at the farm and found my work kind of tedious. Generally I do it because I don't have to think much or learn any new skills and I like that. There's enough learning going on for me in other ways, mostly emotional. Probably lots of jobs seem tedious some days, whatever profession you're in. At least I don't do SH while working on the farm - my hands are otherwise occupied.

I'm finding groups difficult atm, apart from the farm. There were 12 round the supper table this evening including babies but after supper people go their separate ways. With that in mind, it would probably make sense to skip the social occasion tomorrow morning where some of the women are who harp on about some of my activities. I'm just not good at ignoring, I rise to the bait. Today on the way to the farm I was arguing with those women in my head. What a waste of head space and the nice ride. Actually I'm generally finding people difficult atm. Just as well the forum isn't face2face.

In the same boat. I just want to be alone all the time. Standing with you.

Thank you 3R.

I'm not even sure I want to be absolutely alone. I taught a student today and that was fine. It's more that I often feel on the verge of being annoyed. Teed off and don't even know why. Well, probably because of not dealing appropriately with people going over my boundaries in the last weeks or even months and then allowing them headspace on top of it all. At some point the pot boils over.

I 'should' also be doing some more EFT and even Screen Processing. I recently did EFT on not driving, but I think probably I need to do a round of Screen Processing too. I go through phases of not doing EFT or Screen Processing. I do anything other than them. It's Flight. Do enough Flight then I end up in Fight mode.  :stars:

Thanks again for responding, 3R :thumbup: Helped me realise this stuff and write it out so as not to 'forget' and do more Flight.

Hi Blueberry,
I related to what you wrote about finding groups difficult to cope with - I admire the fact you attend groups - I just wanted to pop in here and say 'hello' and send you a hug too  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, you brought a smile to my face :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on October 03, 2018, 05:47:40 AM
Did you remember to write down on your lists when you write them that you need to take rest as well?

Very good point Sceal. Though I once again did not write any list, the list in my head contained tons of 'really musts', not just about correspondence either but about cleaning and tidying. Tidying would involve a certain amount of discarding. I seem not to be in a discard phase, so it's difficult if not impossible. Also 'really must' shower and hair wash, another of those things I have a lot of trouble with.

So I took my rest in advance by remaining in bed. Well, I got up briefly, opened curtains, went back to bed. Enjoyed looking out at the sun on the trees and dozing.

I noticed on Monday at the farm how guilty I feel about taking a break. Since I'd spent the night there, I even had 'an own room' to retire to when my specific Monday work was done. Having my own space actually allowed me to feel at all. There is of course plenty of space in and around the farm, but I guess I don't feel completely safe about exploring more difficult feelings without a physical sense of safety too, my own 4 walls.  That might all explain why I tend to come back home from the farm craving something sweet, even if there was something sweet to eat there too. There sometimes is. In fact, honey and jam whenever you want.

Quote from: Blueberry on October 04, 2018, 01:35:51 PM
So I took my rest in advance by remaining in bed. Well, I got up briefly, opened curtains, went back to bed. Enjoyed looking out at the sun on the trees and dozing.

Ditto today. But I have now showered and washed my hair, so that's a start on doing things for myself.

As I read elsewhere on the forum, it's a question of acceptance I suppose. Accept that this is the way I'm treating myself atm, that there are undoubtedly reasons, that this too shall pass. These phases always do. They pass faster these days than they used to.

As usual I'm putting off cleaning and tidying, so I'm just going to make a promise to myself here to get a start on it. Those dust bunnies would be priority, but anything will do so long as I start.

Hi Blueberry - popped in here and then found I am unable to say anything coherent - except that I hope you have been able to 'start' as you hoped you would.  I have been putting things off too today - but the day is going ok - regardless of what has been done.  I hope yours will also go ok.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope :) :hug: I hope things continue to go well for you today too.

I actually did start! Then I caused a problem with my vacuum cleaner which I won't be able to deal with till Monday. Nonetheless there is tons of cleaning work to be done that doesn't need a vac. cleaner.

Tidying is especially important and I've started that too. I will also be able to mop the kitchen floor and will probably do so this evening. That's an advantage for me of a non-functioning vac. cleaner ;D

Once I got going tidying and cleaning, I noticed the will coming back to do some re-arranging and even just some installation e.g. of little shelves along the wall for some little decorations which are sitting in a box rn. This is actually a fairly old topic, like from inpatient T about 6 years ago. I did start on it then - setting up and decorating my apartment to reflect myself and my interests and also to be practical, like having my cookbooks on a shelf in the kitchen rather than a shelf in the living room. Just one example, and already set up too.

This topic is really quite important for me in my healing. One reason is that my parents delayed for a long time on setting up properly, not because they didn't have the money or the handyman skills but because they, especially M, didn't want to live where we did, where F was employed. She often bitterly referred to our family as "camping out" till she could take us children all back to her and F's country-of-origin. When we lived in their home country for a year the energy in FOO for setting things up and making a home was palpable but apparently not long enough to make a lasting impression on me. I know that might sound a bit waify, but I do seem to have a terrible problem with energy disappearing when I attempt to do something that just wasn't done in FOO for most of my childhood.

I realised today while starting cleaning and tidying that one reason I've been stalling is I have too many plans in my head, often very small ones. It's not as if I intend to re-paint a wall or something like that. It can be something relatively simple like tape up children's paintings, gifts from children dear to me. Somehow it's a big effort. Again just one example.

Mopped the kitchen floor (which meant clearing a bunch of stuff off it first) :cheer: Mopped a bunch of other floors outside my apartment but in the building :cheer: and finally got back onto working on an email to a friend with whom I have been having problems :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: (see here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10215.0 if interested)

That's awesome blueberry!

There was a local election here today and I notice how stirred up I get. It was very close, but with the mayor I was rooting for somewhat behind the one I really don't want. Neither of them got 50.1% of the votes so there'll be a re-run in 2 weeks and then whoever has the majority, even if under 50%, wins.

I feel revved up to 'fight' in a positive way, campaign for the mayor I voted for. Unfortunately if he doesn't win the second time around, then I'd fall a bit. Him winning would probably involve mobilising non-voters. It's easier for me to mobilise for somebody else than for myself. Far easier e.g. to put an election poster for him in my window than my own advertising. Though somebody passing my window today made a slightly disparaging remark, which I heard because I was passing by too, and it didn't really bother me. I shrugged innerly. For a long time the incident would have led to my ICr having a field day and me either with extreme impulse to SH or just automatically doing so.  :cheer: for me on this progress.

I have noticed quite a bit of progress today but I wrote it down in my paper journal. Being able to do that - feeling and writing in paper journal at same time - is a bunch of progress all on its own.

 :) :)

______________________

Yesterday I finally got my copy of Pete Walker's "From Surviving to Thriving" as well as "The Tao of Feelings" or whatever it's called exactly. Lots of stuff slotting into place :thumbup:

One example: It sounds to me as if when I'm with FOO or even thinking about FOO I'm in a constant EF. Sometimes extreme, sometimes low-level. That's why it's so strenuous having any contact with FOO mbrs whatsoever including sending post to the Little Ones, who aren't even part of the dysfunction as it pertains to me yet.

I think you're going to like that book! I'm excited for you!

Hi Blueberry,
I am also excited for you that you have those books - I think you'll like them too.  Your example of being in a constant EF  when thinking about or being with your FOO - it resonates big time with me.  I've not had contact with mine for quite some time now, and yet I still experience EFs when I think of them - and I find I do ruminate - but thankfully less than I used to.  I think you show great fortitude and strength when you make contact - but I can see that you find this very 'strenuous' and that is understandable. 
Hope you enjoy the books.
Hope  :)

Thanks  :) :)  I like both books already as I read here and there. More things are making sense.

Today some progress: choir in the church service - somebody felt hemmed in where she was standing and so about 4-5 people started discussing it and making suggestions about how to deal. The suggestion was that I should move up a row so as to make space. I refused because the person in question could just as easily move. She said "No, I am staying here." So I suggested she stop complaining about it then if she wasn't going to do a simple move to better her situation. In the end somebody else moved.

For me this is progress in two ways: I didn't allow myself to be pushed around to accommodate other people and their wishes - a good few past examples of me allowing myself to be pushed around over the decades flitted through my mind. Secondly, I stood my ground on an occasion where people would tend to say "shh, stop making a fuss" in order to shut me up. At least FOO would, but other people tend to as well. "This is an important occasion... just be accommodating...  :blahblahblah: " If it had been someone's funeral or some such very solemn occasion, I would have undoubtedly not stood my ground and not "made a fuss" but it was just a fairly ordinary church service.

Blueberry,
I'm so impressed that you are beginning to be more comfortable with acknowledging your own progress.  We see it all the time and Im happy you are getting to a place where you can see it too.   :grouphug:  well done  :cheer: (just cuz I know you love that one)

 :yeahthat:

you are really making headway on some of these fundamentals.  that's so terrific.  i don't have enough words to tell you how happy i am for you.  it's so great.    :applause:  love and hugs, always.

Thank you both  :) :)

Now I'm reading Pete Walker's book "From Surviving to Thriving" and busily underlining. So much makes sense and I find myself nodding my head. I also feel I haven't been doing enough of the right work in healing. I do spend quite a bit of time fleeing from feeling. Pete mentions sitting with your feeling of say fear for half an hour I think. I tend to procrastinate and then sit max. 5 minutes.

I know otoh that putting pressure on myself is not a good idea but maybe gently, lovingly, firm the way a good parent could be? Only problem has always been that I don't know how that would be. I go into an EF-like state at the thought of a parent setting any kind of rules. It's clear to me cognitively that a parent has to, but I don't have access to any kind of 'map' of that or 'directions' on how to get there. My brain de-rails at the thought. One bit of progress is being able to write 'lovingly' without de-railing. I feel a bit self-conscious about it and ashamed though I know the shame is someone else's, but I did manage to write it :thumbup:

We have mice in the storage room of the building, not for the first time, but now one (at least) is in my office space and has not so far gone into my bucket trap. I have a lot of trouble setting real traps. Last time there was a mouse problem where I was living I was paralysed with old fears. Last year when a magpie somehow got into my apartment I realised the connection, what had paralysed me: my brother barging into my room raging mad, hurting me physically. I know I did Screen Processing on it, in fact that's probably where the memory came up.

I did manage to capture the somewhat injured magpie and get it into a transport box and convey it to a bird 'hospital'. So it is good for me to focus on that: I managed without help!

My fear of setting traps is mixed up with my problems of doing activities with my hands where several steps are involved. Nothing new, but still a difficult topic. Pete Walker mentions having had just that problem, but preparing meals, not catching mice.  I have the problem cooking too, needless to say. And then there's something that might be a bit on the OCD spectrum. Ah, no. I notice it's not a good idea to go in there.

Well, I have real traps from a friend and I'll see if one other man in my building would be willing to set them for me.

I found out today that our landlords are probably selling our building again, presumably because it would be way more renovation work than the neighbouring building and they've chickened out and/or decided it's too expensive. Tenants are pretty well protected legally in this country, but I'm still worried about what might come of this: maybe have to move after all within the year, though there are way too few apartments in cheaper range in my town. There are often either long waiting lists or tons of people turn up to view a single apartment. Without a regular income and officially sick/disabled I'm not a good bet for landlords. Then there's my office space too. The rent was reduced. It might go straight back up again to be more in line with the average round here.

I do realise when I write all that that there is no point in being worried in advance, before knowing all the facts. There are steps I can take to be better informed about certain rights and I do belong to a residential tenant's association. So that's one place for tricky questions.

Yay, the mouse went into my bucket trap  :cheer:  and i've now let it loose in a field. It scurried here and there and it struck me that the mouse was probably traumatised too, after being stuck in a bucket. But with just mono-trauma, the mouse can get over it by running around instead of freezing up.

No new mice over night in my bucket trap. I am relieved. It was just one after all. It won't be just one in the storage room though! However they have been there for a while or on and off in the winter time. Maybe other people in the building will actually deal with them. I can give myself a break instead and could congratulate myself more on having got rid of the one in my office.

***TW animal suffering ***

It is possible that my reluctance to use traps is not so much a paralysed hands issue as really not wanting to be the agent that kills an animal or even inflicts pain or suffering. And then finding the result of that action in the trap. My Fur Babies are bigger than mice but not by that much. So probably that plays a role also.  When I pass by animals killed on the road, I feel a terrible sense of sadness, partly that may be because my M did too. In fact saving animals from that kind of suffering was huge in her mind. otoh our bigger pets (dogs) sometimes got the brunt of her anger and they certainly lived in a house where verbal strife was common. She didn't save them from that. My fur babies at that time were simply too small to be involved but they did suffer neglect. M's view that it wasn't "worth" taking them to the vet's she projected onto them. "It's not worth it for them." I have long since known that isn't true.

Cognitively: it's OK to kill house mice since they are pests, disease-carriers etc. Also they are invaders in my space and I don't like having them there, they increase my anxiety. But since when have my emotional blockages really been alleviated by logic? In fact I now notice that my whole chest and stomach feels like a pillar of concrete, with fear in my throat atop it all.

In fact I believe the mouse-issue is multi-faceted. There is more to this but I can't write it down atm. Still, that's a lot of progress since the day before yesterday.

I haven't felt myself so completely and utterly unmotivated for a while. I did finally get up and I did finally eat and I collected a load of jerusalem artichokes somebody dug out of her garden and left out for me. Other than that, I'm spending a lot of time in bed, dozing and reading.

sounds like a well-deserved day of rest for you, sweetie.  you've been thru a lot of emotional stuff, from what i've read.  it doesn't surprise me that you need to take a break.  i hope it's relaxing for you and does what you need it to do.

interesting to me was the way you put it that you haven't been putting enough of the right work into healing.  i've felt that at times myself.  it's something that comes to me thru an outside source, like you reading walker's book.  almost like an 'aha' moment.  'o, so this is what needs to be done!'.  those have helped me change direction and become more efficient with what i've needed to do more times than i can count.

as far as gentle, loving parental guidance, maybe that's a phrase that would suit you better than parents making rules.  i get it that when we haven't had a model of that in our lives, it can be difficult to know what to do.  i think your t has given you gentle guidance at times - that might be a place to start.  just a thought.

well done taking care of your rodent problem.  very humane.  keep up the good work, blueberry.  you just keep marching ahead, and it's wonderful to see.   love and hugs.

Thank you san  :) :)  :hug: Always motivating, always seeing the good in my steps. That's certainly a good antidote to my ICr! Yes you're probably right that thinking about gentle, loving guidance would do me better than thinking about rules. Eventually I rebel against rules. In my first years of therapy, I'd follow rules and try to make everybody else do so too :thumbdown: but now I can't get up the energy to follow them.

__________________________________________

I still haven't persuaded myself to have a shower and hair-wash. What could make me want to? Rhetorical question.

Quite possibly I've been reading too much in Pete Walker's "From Surviving to Thriving" without digesting it properly including discussing, taking proper breaks to do other things,  and taking a step or two based on what I'm reading.

I do feel better from having gone to a friend's today. We sat outside and I wore a head scarf, that way nobody'd notice my unwashed state toooo badly. We discussed the upcoming re-election which is tomorrow and she offered to help me apply for nationality of my present country. At present, I'm not quite eligible due to the effects of cptsd on my earning power, but I'm eligible on all other fronts. Sometimes the local bureacrat who decides these things makes an exception. That's what I'd be hoping for. This friend thinks I should try for a personal appointment with this person and offered to come with me. Also she can help me formulate my reasons in compact language!

I empathize with the "overdoing things" in regards to reading. Sometimes when I know I want and need to get to the heart of something, I rush through it. Spend too much time, and/or go too quickly through rich material. Big hugs, BB.  :hug:

Quote from: Three Roses on October 21, 2018, 12:21:24 AM
I empathize with the "overdoing things" in regards to reading. Sometimes when I know I want and need to get to the heart of something, I rush through it. Spend too much time, and/or go too quickly through rich material. Big hugs, BB.  :hug:

:yeahthat:


I also feel that way too - as Three Roses said - and I also want to send you a hug, Blueberry  :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you so much Hope and Three Roses! :hug:

Yesterday I did some EFT. It made something clear to me so I went on to do some Inner Child work as well.

Between last posting here I discovered another mouse in my office space. It managed to die all on its own, idk how. I notice the whole thing is not easy. I dread coming into my office space (which is where I am now, my computer and Internet connection is there) wondering what I'll find. Today - nothing. My bucket trap is here, nothing in it.

Yesterday I spoke to a neighbour who's got mice in his apartment but hadn't been dealing with them because he didn't want to kill them. I basically forced him into starting doing something. I explained the bucket trap but then he went ahead and set normal traps a friend of mine lent me. So much for not wanting to kill any mice. Maybe that had been just an excuse or he was just hoping the problem would go away on its own. I don't want to feel into what the problem might be, but the mice issue is getting to me. I feel very unstable. However  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: that I pushed my neighbour into doing his share of getting rid of the mice. 

This morning I was singing with the choir again and the rest of the day i've spent sitting at my window in the sun enjoying the heat and playing endless rounds of Patience with my flower cards. It's better than going back to bed.

Today I spent most of the day in bed. I'm accepting it more or less. "Have to" or "should" get out of bed doesn't help. I did get out of bed for a couple of clients.

I miss this place when it's down but now it's up again I realise there's nothing to post. My head's all foggy. I dreamt about FOO last night, it wasn't a good dream.

Hi Blueberry,
I did try to come here earlier today - but couldn't - so having just read your entry in your Journal, I now understand why. 
I just wanted to give you a supportive hug  :hug: if that's ok, because I also feel like I've got a 'foggy head' - and I empathise with your feeling - in that respect.  Glad that you rested today - and that you also managed to see a couple of your clients.  I think that's good going, especially after a bad dream about your FOO.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope! Supportive hugs are lovely.  :hug:

I've recognised in the past couple of days that I'm just barely getting by, I'm just managing to hang in there. SI is not an issue rn, it's staying up and doing whatever it is I have planned, even down to taking my medicine and other very basic self-care.

So yes  :cheer: for managing to work with clients atm at all. I got an enquiry for my other profession yesterday and have absolutely no problem whatsoever with saying that I'm ill atm and can't do it. I would go down with a bad cold if I tried. I know I've been making some progress for a while in that I don't go down with bad colds for 2 weeks at a time any more. It's good that I notice now beforehand.

I had a therapy appointment today. I asked T if he's ever going to say that it's time I stopped therapy and went and sorted out my stuff on my own. He said that's not on the cards. He won't be working for ever more, which I do know. He almost retired in March but then decided to continue p/t instead. But for the foreseeable future he's quite OK with me continuing. He also said this 3 times a quarter deal I get doesn't have any kind of restriction on it as far as the medical insurance is concerned. I'm very relieved. I'm also grateful that my country of residence covers so much. 

He did even say that especially with the CSA that at some point I should probably consider therapy weekly again, but that would involve finding a new therapist. He didn't say so, but the other possibility would be inpatient.

The other thing once again apparent to me is: despite all the bits of progress I'm making which I notice myself, my GP notices, others on here notice and tell me, despite all that there's an awful lot of work left so to speak and so for whatever reasons exactly I'm very badly affected by cptsd. I tend to minimise. But no. I've been working on myself more or less non-stop for years and there are still so many problems just with day-to-day living and getting by. I don't want to compare myself to others on here and have a competition of who has it worse, who is more badly affected. It's more for me: proof that it really was bad, that it's legitimate that I still have so many problems, that I still feel sometimes as if I'm about to collapse and I have no idea how I'd get by without therapy.

i relate completely to your very last paragraph, bb.  inhale, exhale.  it keeps becoming evident nearly on a weekly basis.  whew!  no wonder you want to hit the bed so often - this crapola is exhausting.  hang tough, sweetie.  i'm just glad you're realizing this for yourself.  love and hugs full of support and caring.  it'll happen.

I am back today from my healing retreat.  I came back last night in fact and today I stayed in bed till 3 pm. I'm quite OK with that. I obviously needed it.

The healing was very intense. So much became clear I can't write it all down, though some I wrote on my way home in the train.

One sentence I said quite a few times with real meaning was "I can't carry your pain too." I wasn't thinking about the forum while saying it. But I'll try and be mindful in the next while with myself and see how much moderating might be part of that. The person I mean here is one of the friends I've been struggling with for a while, mostly in my head. I could really feel how this friend is meant. Yes, I directed some of that sentence a different direction, to my parents. But atm this friend and her behaviour - they're it.

Beautifully said my dear  :cheer:

i'm glad your retreat was helpful and healing for you, blueberry.  i've gotten a lot out of those in the past as well.  i think that's a great statement you brought out of it for yourself.  it's so true and so freeing.

keep up the good work, sweetie.  glad you had time to rest afterwards.   love and hugs.

If I'm honest with myself, I check on here daily especially first thing in the morning as a  :heythere: "Good morning" to friends since there's no one irl to say it to.

sounds desperate, lonely. But I'll let it stand.

Good morning blueberry,
Not desperate or lonely.  I do it too! Glad you let it stand  :bigwink:

I don't think it's desperate at all, I do it, too!

Hi Blueberry,
I absolutely do this as well - you are not alone - and I don't think it's desperate either.  It is heart-warming to know we are looking out for one another and checking in.  That's what I think.
:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

I also tend to check in the morning, and also right before I go to bed sometimes too.

i'm part of this morning check-in.  not desperate to me, either.  this is the safest place i know, with the best people (besides my d) who i would like to start my day with.  i also check in before bed, maybe not to write, but to read something positive someone said or did.  it's comforting to me, helps me sleep better.

we really are all in this together.  love and hugs, and nite nite.

Oh, wow! I'm not alone in this.  :grouphug:

Definitely not alone Blueberry   :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
Hope  :)

I slipped on Thursday and did something to my foot and ankle. Hours later it was so painful I almost cried. It's not broken and is much better today. I can walk about. I don't want to cycle yet. Yesterday and the day before it seemed to be affecting my brain too. I couldn't really concentrate properly or read much on here. I passed on the moderating to Kizzie ;

I realised while I was away on retreat that the mice problem was certainly exacerbated by my feeling overburdened in general. Now I would feel better able to tackle. Fortunately I don't seem to have to.

 :cheer:

Sorry to hear about your ankle Blueberry.  In the states, we say to RICE those kinds of injuries:
R= rest
I= ice
C= compression
E= elevation
Good self care to pass off some of the mod work while you are healing.  Take care and get well soon

Blueberry- my cheers weee certainly not about the painful ankle, but rather in response to your great job cleaning house.  I missed the second post about the ankle.  Do take care of yourself, and yes, the R.I.C.E. Method seems to work well.

Here's a hug from one limping person to another! :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Sorry to hear about your ankle - that sounds horribly painful - and I hope you will be able to rest and recuperate.
Hope  :)

My ankle and foot aren't so bad actually. It seemed a 24 hour thing. The only thing is: it's telling me I need to do something about that leg, i.e. strengthen it. Since I have an allergic reaction to "must" as well as sport of any kind, more especially in combination with "must", this is going to be interesting, putting it mildly.

Quote from: Jdog on November 03, 2018, 01:54:09 PM
Blueberry- my cheers weee certainly not about the painful ankle, but rather in response to your great job cleaning house.  I missed the second post about the ankle.  Do take care of yourself, and yes, the R.I.C.E. Method seems to work well.

Here's a hug from one limping person to another! :hug:

No worries, Jdog.

___________________________________

I have come back on here because I can now feel myself hopping mad towards the friend I finally sent a response to today. It's something I've felt anger towards my parents about too. It's being expected to drop everything and cater to them first. Before myself, before other people who are maybe waiting for a response from me. I intended to send one of the Littles in FOO a present over 6 months ago. Have I? No. He doesn't know about it. I've been intending to send both of my godchildren this or that for a while. Have I? No. I've been intending to do kazillions of things for myself. Have I done them? No. In some cases I've started some of these projects, but not moved further. But somehow friend T.B. thinks her stuff has priority.

I admit we had very frequent phone and email contact at the time things went awry in our friendship. I am ashamed to say that at the time I thought it was almost like a relationship without the physical stuff. A kind of platonic relationship. We were and are both single, so those semi-daily phone calls were maybe in place of something neither of us has or had. Then it became clear how much she was expecting of me, despite knowing what state I'm generally in, and how little she was really willing to give in return.

QuoteThen it became clear how much she was expecting of me, despite knowing what state I'm generally in, and how little she was really willing to give in return.

Still having problems transferring thoughts to words so I'll just say  :stars:  :pissed: and a  :hug: for you.

Thank you 3R!  :hug:

Since writing that above, I've written a little letter to one of my godchildren and am in the middle of writing to the other one, but needed some more paper and came into the vicinity of my computer to get it. I also checked my emails (waiting for a business one) which isn't easy when I've just sent off an email in which I'm sticking up for myself. I tend to expect an onslaught in return, though I don't actually have to read a response till I'm ready.

It has taken me a long time to get moving today - to get out of bed. Once I remembered an old saying of mine and interpreted it for today, I was able to get up.

If the answer isn't 'definitely yes', then the answer is 'no'! I could go up to the farm this evening but I would have to go by train and cycle the last 5 km, instead of cycling the whole way. I'm not up to cycling the whole way. I was feeling kind of guilty about not going. But what is that guilt about? They gave me some money recently. I actually objected to the amount but two different people on the farm explained why it was appropriate. But if it's anybody's idea that they can manipulate me into going when I don't feel able, that's their problem. I don't actually think that's what their doing, that's just how an internal bit in me reacts.

Maybe yesterday, maybe the day before I was berating myself as usual "all that money for an intensive therapy weekend and you're back to lying around doing 'nothing' ". I realised today that it has possibly just lasted a bit longer for me to start putting in those healing steps instigated at therapy weekend and then that is all the more reason to stay at home and do things here! That includes resting my foot and/or doing little exercises with it, but also bit by bit things I've been putting off doing. Some of that is very basic self-care and some of it other things I've been putting off for months.

Quote from: Blueberry on November 04, 2018, 12:01:57 AM
I tend to expect an onslaught in return, though I don't actually have to read a response till I'm ready.

Excellent point blueberry.  :yes:  you don't have to read any response till you are ready.  Very smart my dear

I added a small comment to the blog article. My SH impulse is way up. In fact there are some hairs on the floor now.

Something that struck me in the article is that you can feel guilt at lack of attachment to a child. I don't think I love my godson. I like him, but I don't feel a huge deep attachment. His mother assumes I do. I once wrote on the forum about not doing so and someone who is no longer a mbr negated my feeling with "I'm sure you really do." Well, I'm not sure I do and the blog shows me I might not be totally alone here. I have less SH impulse writing here than on the blog.

I want to validate your feelings, and also mention we don't choose who we love. It either happens or it doesn't. You care about him and that's enough. ♥️

i can totally relate to those expectations of others to 'do it now!', dropping everything to take care of them, what they want.  i remember thinking, when i was very sick for so long, that i was almost afraid to get well cuz those expectations would come out again.  if i stayed sick, no one expected anything of me.  if i got well. i'd have to start saying 'no' and deal with their responses.

i hope you can take the time you need w/o any of those 'shoulds' or 'musts' getting any farther in your way.  those retreats can be intense and need time for processing.  and, blueberry, i don't think there's any law that says you have to love anyone.  sending love to you, tho.  i think you're the cat's pajamas. 

Quote from: Three Roses on November 06, 2018, 01:59:10 AM
You care about him and that's enough. ♥️

Oh, wow! This is like on the therapy retreat where I'm standing there saying "Really?? Novel idea. I'd never known that before!" I'm being quite serious, not a tiny bit of facetiousness. So thank you for pointing that out to me and also for your validation. It means a whole lot! :yes:

san, that "do it now thing" is so engrained in me that recently when a FOO mbr merely suggested I do something, I was about to leap up and do it, when all my energy melted away. I remarked on that to T who pointed out that FOO mbr hadn't even given an order, it was a mere suggestion. I don't have to act on it and I'm not going to, but it really slowed down what I was intending to do - send a little letter to my FOO godchild.

I feel atm like "Does this stuff ever end??!?"  "This stuff" being realisations and problems. A seemingly long string of Very Difficult Days. Not really that long, just feels that way, which means it is an EF.

I really should have a shower and wash my hair though. It will make so many other things today easier, like teaching, for which I earn money.

I taught and I feel better for it. one foot in front of the other, keep going.

 :cheer:

you go, sweetie.  one foot in front of the other counts!  love and hugs

Going to bed too late = tossing and turning = no sleeping. I decided to get up instead. Before I did so I did a round of EFT on "I love and accept myself even if I can't sleep" and I stopped doing SH, which I'd been doing on and off all night. So try and remember that one: instead of pulling hair out, tap all those spots on my head and face and hand while repeating that I love and accept myself.

Well, I want to continue doing some tidying and cleaning in my office since a potential client is coming today for the first time. Whose idea was that?? Mine of course. Client at 9 am. Brilliant. Not. 

Just popping by to say I'm thinking of you Blueberry - I know you have your potential new client at 9am, and I hope it's going ok. 
Sorry to hear that you didn't sleep so well last night though - good to hear your EFT was helpful.
:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Here's hoping your new client helped you find new energy for this day. :cheer:

Thanks Jdog and Hope. I felt more positive after the new client. She asked me to teach her the local language, which is not my native one. I'd been thinking that I can't do it, but now seeing the huge difference between her command of the language and mine, I can certainly take her on short-term. So that's good.

Today I had somebody in to help me with cleaning. She's from the Local Exchange Trading Society. I intend to use up my points there with things like cleaning which I put off. Then I'll leave LETS. But I do want to use up all my points first. Now I feel so exhausted. Rushing around clearing and tidying so somebody could clean and then just having somebody in to clean tires me as well every time. I'm then really glad the person goes again, though I'm obviously really grateful for the help. So now I'm exhausted. It's just the way it is.

i remember that happening with me as well when i was in mexico.  we'd have someone come in, i'd have to explain what i wanted done in spanish, lots of thinking and gesturing - it WAS exhausting!  still, it's kind of nice to have someone do the dirty work, so to speak.  i'm just glad you have some points to put in that direction, and that you're using them.  good for you.  and you deserve a rest after that.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  glad you have a new client that made you feel better.  i agree, that's a good thing.   love and hugs to you.

I note now that when I come on the forum, I sort of squint at all the New or Updated Topics and really don't want to read them all. I don't actually even have to read them all as Mod, but I notice maybe a spot of OOTS fatigue. I have just written one of my monster long posts, but I'm feeling less like writing on here as well. I think both are really positive changes for me. (Oops, just did some SH. What was that about? Mentioning a "positive change.") Nonetheless, maybe beginning to use OOTS less as a sounding board and moving on a little more with "doing" irl? If that's happening, it's because I'm ready for it.

I will still post, I will still moderate, but something seems to be shifting.  :)

To say I'm impressed would be such an understatement.  That's such great self awareness and may I also throw in a  :cheer:

That's the goal isn't it? Do get to a point where we feel growth? That's fantastic.  Great job blueberry

 Thanks Deep Blue! Ahem, I am back to writing on here today, but I'm also feeling quite a bit of growth :)

This is something I came across just today and copying in here so as not to hijack. Thanks goblinchild  :)

Quote from: goblinchild on October 12, 2018, 07:15:46 PM
I think there's just more stuff to work through when there's significant baggage in a relationship. Both people have to be really good at communication and being aware about what they're feeling. I think in these relationships and any others with a lot of baggage you will find points in the relationship where the baggage is difficult to work through and the questions of "is this worth it" or "can we even fix this" might come up. Those are very personal questions! The answer is no for a lot of people. You have to decide at some point where the line is, and more importantly, why the line is. There's something that makes this person and this relationship worth fighting for to you. Make sure it's genuine. Remember, there's no shame in finding that point and realizing that the struggle isn't worth it for that particular relationship.

Replace 'relationship' with 'friendship' and this is the sort of stuff I'm going through and deciding with respect to friends. Some of my IRL friends / no-longer friends also have a lot of baggage and it has got to the point where I've had to sadly say "No, thanks." Or sometimes no-longer friends have done so towards to me.

been there, done that - seems that as we progress in recovery, the stuff that we tolerated in our relationships/friendships just isn't viable for us anymore.  i'm amazed sometimes as to what i've allowed in my life, which is why my circle of friends has diminished greatly, and i don't miss them at all.  funny how that works - at one time i didn't think i could get along without them.

congrats on your progress, too, bb.  that's so great.  hmmm . .  what was that hair doing on the ground just as you wrote something positive?  love and hugs, sweetie.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 13, 2018, 12:02:18 AM
been there, done that - seems that as we progress in recovery, the stuff that we tolerated in our relationships/friendships just isn't viable for us anymore.  i'm amazed sometimes as to what i've allowed in my life, which is why my circle of friends has diminished greatly, and i don't miss them at all.  funny how that works - at one time i didn't think i could get along without them.

You too, hm? Then I'm definitely on the road to recovery :) It is funny about not missing the friends much or at all. This last particular friend, I had phone contact with ther several times a week, and then all of a sudden this and that happened, I reverted to email to try and clear up the problems, that didn't work. Baggage is baggage apparently in this case. And now I'm getting on pretty well without this old friend. A year ago it would've been unthinkable. I feel stronger because of this realisation too. I hope it's similar for you too, san :)

Thanks for all your encouragement and validation.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 13, 2018, 12:02:18 AM
hmmm . .  what was that hair doing on the ground just as you wrote something positive? 

hmm :doh: .. at least I mindfully noticed ;)

yes, you did mindfully notice.  a pos. step, i would think.  good for you, blueberry.

that whole relationship thing  has been a big change for me.  unthinkable about sums it up.  i've also done what i could to repair stuff, but, like you said, when it's too much baggage, maybe it just can't be done.  besides, it takes two to make repairs, doesn't it? 

that's what i've discovered a lot in the past - i was willing to do the hard work, while the other person wasn't.  not that i'm puffing myself up but as much as i thought i could, i couldn't fix these by myself.  couldn't fix the people (heaven knows i tried - in my arrogance), nor could i fix the relationship.  eventually, i was usually pushed to the point where it was impossible to stay anymore, or they dumped me.

either way, the relationship ended, and looking back, i agree - those people helped me get stronger within myself, got to know, understand, and create boundaries, and learn how i needed to be different.  i don't want to go back to being the person i was - it's how i got into all these difficulties in the first place.

live and learn - we are good at that.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Quote from: Blueberry on November 13, 2018, 11:54:26 AM
I feel stronger because of this realisation too.

[/quote]


Hi Blueberry - this is great!   :cheer:  Sending  you a warm hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :)
______________________________

Needless to say I'm having trouble motivating myself to finish either of my contracts now. It's good for me to note.

 :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
Those translations I'm meant to have completed...   :no: :no: :no:

Well, I have to finish them somehow, but they're both going to be later than I originally said. Then I'm truly giving up translation (except criminal record checks) and giving up proofreading of translations done in other countries. That's the one job I'm doing at the moment, but it has turned into a re-translate on account of the omissions, inconsistencies and just plain errors. At least yesterday when the client sent an impatient email, I mentioned all those 'omissions, inconsistencies and just plain errors'. As in: You misled me as to the amount of work necessary, so Leave me alone now!!

The definition of my work disability is being unable to consistently work longer than 2.75 hours a day, 5 days a week. Well, I have to admit to myself that this really fits for translation. There atm I can manage max 30 mins in one go and then I need a break of several hours or sometimes even a day or two. Because my brain goes on strike. It's not worth it, not worth it, not worth it. What a life struggling with my brand of cptsd and translations   :sadno: :sadno: It means I'm not just struggling when translating. I end up struggling with everything, including getting up in the morning. It affects my teaching ability, not to mention an increase in my 'need' for unhealthy crutches like eating.

blueberry, i can totally relate to having a brain that goes on strike after a certain amount of time.  translating is a very difficult accomplishment in and of itself - i've had experience with that in mex.  not just to get the words correct, but the meaning as well.  and, when you have omissions and inconsistencies, yeah, a head ache for sure.

sounds like you're discovering some limits and boundaries for yourself.  well done.  i consistently run out of steam just writing on the forum.  it's difficult to think that hard for too long, which is why i've been posting less and less as time goes on.

it makes total sense to me why you have 'bed' days - they sound needed and necessary, and i'm just glad that it seems like you're becoming more patient with yourself when taking them.  i'm glad you have the kind of work that allows them for you.  keep up the good work.  i think you're doing really wonderfully.   love and a restful hug for when you need it.

Quote from: Blueberry on November 13, 2018, 12:48:16 PM

Decision: As hard as it is - I need to refuse all translations except criminal records with no entries (because they are very easy for me ;D) I need to continue my break from translation. I do realise that it's too early to embark on translating children's literature which is still a dream of mine. And here, I can forgive and accept myself that it is the case. But not with other translations.

I wrote this over on the Employment board and I can't emphasise it enough. I need to turn down proofreading too. Worth exploring in T or on my own what's hindering me from forgiving and accepting myself for not being able to translate all those other documents other than children's literature.

Maybe it's because I'm leaving the door open to children's lit. in the future and am trying to close the door behind me to all those other translation types. I could hold a kind of funeral for my life as translator (except literary). Maybe not funeral, but do some sort of ritual like writing about it, mourning maybe and then throwing the paper in the river. Something like that.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 19, 2018, 10:05:55 PM
A couple of people commented that it sounds like a really hard decision to make, and it is. I noticed that while I was talking about it. I can remember thinking and even writing (here? paper Journal?) that it's sad that in a profession where my work is seen objectively, from outside, as good, I still can't do the work with any regularity. cptsd gets in the way every time. Now when I talk about my decision I'm feeling the pain more. Pain at accepting the terrible effect cptsd has had and continues to have on my life. It sounds kind of  :dramaqueen: to say "terrible effect" but I think nonetheless it has had a terrible effect in a ton of different ways. It's an illness and debilitating. Or injury, if you like, and debilitating.  :'(

This. Atm I'm avoiding feeling the pain by eating and going back to bed, and before that I was avoiding feeling the pain by thinking to myself "Maybe I can after all..." and accepting work I should have turned down.

It is good to realise this atm because there is some other work I've accepted that I could still turn down and should do so. It's teaching one-one-one, two members of one family who both need to come several hours a week, but separately. It's too much. I'd like to be able to do it, but it's too much. There are hurdles to jump through before I can even start, hurdles which give me anxiety. That's a cptsd thing so I could do a round of eFT on that so as to better accept. The thing with the translations is showing me that even though I have put some work, time, ideas, thoughts into this latest teaching request, it would better for me and for clients to turn the whole thing down now than start and then struggle. I wish I'd done that with the translations.

Also I've done this kind of thing in the past: taken on too many students and collapsed for months. Not a good thing, to state the obvious.

Quote from: Blueberry on November 16, 2018, 11:49:10 AM
Those translations I'm meant to have completed...   :no: :no: :no:

Well, I have to finish them somehow

I've decided I don't have to finish them, or more to the point I noticed yesterday that in one case I can't. Literally. I look at the remaining words and paragraphs and I have no idea what to write. My mind is blank. I'm going to copy  what I've done so far onto a CD and post it today. I'm meant to post, not email. So I will. The client won't be so happy, but I guess he'll live. He might also learn that being very persuasive in your arguments might backfire sometimes. Last Friday he managed to persuade me to try at least this part of the contract even though I mentioned ill-health. I could tell he's somebody who is used to managing to persuade and convince others.

The one that is more correction and more phrases than actual paragraphs I will do because my mind isn't completely blank but I realised when writing a Recovery Letter on the issue that it would be wise to demand payment in cash before I hand the translation into the authority who needs it. I have the original certificates and I can use this as a passive bargaining point. As in the client can't say "to * with you, I'm not paying up, I'll get somebody else to do it." No sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.

QuoteNo sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.

You go girl!

Easier to write than actually do.

it sounds like a good idea, on paper or doing it.  i know it's a huge difference tho.  supporting you on this, sending strength if you need it.

i really related to your statements about how the effects of c-ptsd can be so unforgiving toward us as we attempt to have a life.  what seems easy for others is a battle, struggle, painfully difficult chore at times for us, and, yes, can send us reeling for weeks on end at times.  been there, done that - it's horrible.  there was a time when i watched the same 2 movies night after night just for the comfort and routine of them to get me to another day.  that went on for months.

i think your fighting spirit is commendable, bb.  whether you can 'translate' that into action remains to be seen.  however, it's there, and i see that as a pos. sign.  you're getting there, making progress.  i wonder if that thought would have even entered your mind 6 mos. ago.

i'm glad you're seeing boundaries for yourself more clearly.  i think that's a great step.  sending love and hugs, sweetie.

Quote from: Three Roses on November 17, 2018, 02:04:40 PM

QuoteNo sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.

You go girl!

This one I've set in motion now! It did take me about 24 hours to be able to set a new price, but I've done it. I've also closed my email pgm to give myself a break, summon up emotional strength again etc.

Hi Blueberry,
I think your letter to that client was really astute and well-written, and I applaud your ability to have asserted your boundaries in relation to that work - and well done for setting your new price - and giving yourself a break too. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 18, 2018, 01:14:31 AM
it sounds like a good idea, on paper or doing it.  i know it's a huge difference tho.  supporting you on this, sending strength if you need it.

i think your fighting spirit is commendable, bb.  whether you can 'translate' that into action remains to be seen.  however, it's there, and i see that as a pos. sign.  you're getting there, making progress.  i wonder if that thought would have even entered your mind 6 mos. ago.

i'm glad you're seeing boundaries for yourself more clearly.  i think that's a great step.  sending love and hugs, sweetie.

Thanks so much for all the progress you're seeing and then for telling me it all. You#re right, 6 mos. ago I wouldn't have been dealing in this way at all.  And thanks for sending strength, I really need that. :hug: :)

As both B1 and enF flitted through my head, I realised part of the problem is saying "No" to men. Men who manage to sound reasonable while upping their demands and trying to push my price down and circumvent other conditions I set.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 18, 2018, 01:14:31 AM
there was a time when i watched the same 2 movies night after night just for the comfort and routine of them to get me to another day.  that went on for months.

This makes me feel a lot better!  I'm back to playing Patience and looking at pictures of flowers and dreaming about my furbabies, though I know I wouldn't have the wherewithall to look after them atm.

Thank you so much for commenting, Hope!  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on November 18, 2018, 06:50:51 PM

Quote from: Three Roses on November 17, 2018, 02:04:40 PM

QuoteNo sir, if you want your originals back you have to do some negotiation on price.

You go girl!

This one I've set in motion now! It did take me about 24 hours to be able to set a new price, but I've done it. I've also closed my email pgm to give myself a break, summon up emotional strength again etc.

Needless to say, the client is not very happy. For the moment I've asked him to tell me what he thinks a "reasonable price" is.

I may even hand him his documents back and tell him to find somebody else. That way I'd have to give him the money back he has already paid but it feels worth it. He's in a rush - clients usually are in this field, wanting you to make up for the fact that they didn't get themselves organised earlier.

My latest email to him is fairly to the point. It feels good to me which is partly why I'd be willing to forgo any pay and let him take this work somewhere else. The other reason is it seems 'small payment' for my renewed realisation that I need and want to get out of this profession for my sanity. I need and want to get out now.

As san pointed out further upthread I'm discovering my own boundaries. It's difficult. These are further realisations on how messed up I am due to my childhood, how much being this messed up affects, well, everything. It's more points to grieve. Having already grieved lack of a real FOO (at least grieved to some extent), I'm now beginning to realise there's a grief process due to start on idk what to call it - my professional life as a translator and the fact that it's pretty nigh impossible. Things feel pretty rocky rn but I've been through this kind of stuff before. 

Today I feel up the proverbial creek without a paddle. Am dreading contacting one client and can understand why he might end up being 'somewhat annoyed'. This isn't the one I was dealing with yesterday. I did come up with a partial solution while lying in bed. But it's only partial.

I know it's child-like behaviour to hide in fear and not contact, but that's where I'm at.

Hi Blueberry -  :hug: to you and I hope that you are able to negotiate your way through this, and do whatever you want to do.
Hope  :)

where you're at is all that is - where you're at.  you'll move to a different place when you're ready or need to.  no judgments. 

these realizations are difficult - i know that from experience.  i've also learned that during the grieving process we often go back to old behaviors cuz they're 'known' and therefore somewhat comforting - grieving is a time of such turbulence, disturbance, and feeling out of sorts.  so, we go with something familiar just to feel a bit more settled amidst the whirlwind.

sending love and a hug filled with patience while you're going thru this.  more strength, too, if needed. 

Strength much appreciated. I'm getting thru bit by bit. Some clients better reactions than others.

Things are looking muuuuuch better. No new crises in my professional work and the crises that were there are pretty much solved. I did manage to handle further negotiations with my translation clients in a fairly satisfactory way. Then a prospective adult student came for a first appointment. That went really well as well, which was surprising since the day was somewhat chaotic, e.g. I kept losing important things right under my own nose and spending ages looking for them.

One thing I had trouble with later on today was seeing a post on here where I wasn't sure if it was completely OK. So Report to Mod and think about it. But because of Kizzie taking a bit of time off as she's explained, I went into idk a bit of a panicky state wondering: do I modify the post?? Do I not? A bit of an EF I guess. It's as if it's totally urgent and if I don't act immediately all * will break loose and then that'll be my fault.

While writing about this I once again remember a question on a test we were given when I was only 7. There was a scenario of a little girl left at home to keep an eye on things for a short time. Her M warned her - don't leave the front gate open, your 2year old brother might get on the road, don't forget to turn the oven off and take the cake out or the house might burn down. Those two I remember still. There were one or two more though.

As soon as M left the house all the calamities started happening. The question was: which one should the little girl attend to first. I had no idea. I was panic-struck. I've remembered this question all this time because it was so awful imagining all these calamities and not having a clue which would be more dangerous. Now I know obviously: the house isn't going to go on fire, while you're outside grabbing your little brother so he doesn't go on the road. The cake might get singed, that's all.  It wasn't because I was dumb that I couldn't figure it out then, it was more blind fear of my own M and the way she reacted when I didn't recognise things as fast as she did. Also because the punishment was often far more than the 'crime' warranted, I was often more on the lookout for "What will displease M least?" as opposed to "What would be sensible in this situation?". In the above example I wasn't quite sure that the little brother potentially being hit and injured on the road was worse than the house burning down. Not because I was nasty and uncaring, I wasn't. I loved my own little brother. But because I was frightened and I wasn't deep down sure how M would react. Neither her words nor her actions showed much value placed on human life. Not that I had that all worked out then in words and rational thought.

I hope when I read this through again tomorrow I'll have more idea on why this memory is linked to my actions moderating. Anyway fortunately Kizzie checked and OKed the post.

I was meant to get my final bit of proofreading in this morning, I thought at noon but no actually the office closed at 11:30 :doh: Oh, well then tomorrow afternoon they'll be open again. It's high time I gave this crapola up. Sometimes while working on this kind of thing I think "Oh, it's not sooo bad after all." It is. In fact, it's worse. By the time I'm three-quarters finished, I'm always heartily sick of it but have to continue. And then my hourly pay is about €7 an hour. It's just not worth it.

I've got a therapy appointment tomorrow since I inquired on Monday and somebody else cancelled :thumbup:.

Although I no longer feel 1)  as if my whole professional life is crashing down on me and 2)  like a frightened child, it'll still be good to have a chance to discuss some of the developments in the last while with T and also see what would make sense most for him to work on with me. There are so many topics. For some I think I just need patience cuz they're already in motion, for others well I'm still running away from doing EFT or Screen Processing on them on my own.

I know others on here feel triggered by Trump. I've realised I actually feel triggered why what's going on in the UK atm. I don't think it's a narc trigger but still it's a trigger which I'd been covering up with sarcastic remarks in my head instead of feeling what's underneath. UK politics are reminding me too much of FOO.

I washed a pile of dishes and listened and moved to 80's music while I was about it. On some days that would have been that. But today that energised me to continue cleaning by moving onto myself. Shower and hair-wash looooooong overdue. Before that I cleaned the showerbase. That had been waiting even longer. I'd better not even guess how long. I feel loads better now.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I am really glad to hear you're feeling loads better, and I very much hope that your therapy appointment goes well tomorrow.
Hope  :)

My T appointment was good, helped get things moving again and brought clarity. I wrote about it in my paper journal on the way home.
___________________________________

Today I took part in a rhetorics course for women. It was a component of another course I'm taking atm otherwise I'm sure I never would have gone. The final part of it involved giving a little speech (2-3 mins) and being filmed while doing so. Before delivering the little speech we had about 10 minutes in which to prepare for it. My brain blanked more or less right away, so I couldn't even prepare properly. But I got up and did my thing anyway. Afterwards when we all watched me on film, I was so surprised at how relaxed I looked, smiling broadly at some points, especially at the beginning before I started talking. I looked animated at times too. This is a huge change.

I also managed to almost completely cover up the fact that I'd hardly prepared. I did have a few points and cues on my paper but I was so idk what exactly that I couldn't read and react to it. It seemed more like: I can do this stuff off-the-cuff even of some of me closes down.

All of us had the opportunity to say how we saw ourselves before the others commented. I was the only one who started out positive about self.  :thumbup: I knew I needed to do that for myself and my Inners, but I was surprised how easy it was for me. There were a lot of positive comments from others too. Even something I saw as negative - I was moving from right to left while speaking - a couple of others said they thought my body was showing my thought processes and it didn't detract.

I saw for myself that my choice of clothing wasn't too good but it didn't bother me the way it would've not so long ago. I noticed it cognitively but I didn't feel ashamed of it. My hair was a bit messy too, it often is. But that didn't really bother me either. It was more cognitively noticing but also accepting that atm I'm not in a place where I feel I can do anything much about it, so I don't. This is huge too - not feeling shame and self-hate at the mere sight of myself in general and sight of myself in action.

FOO, especially M and B1, were always attacking me verbally on my appearance even down to things like how I smiled or how I walked. That made me painfully self-conscious for years, decades even. Big chunk of healing going on now :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Yay blueberry,
Observing yourself cognitively and not judging emotionally is a huge step and big congrats and well done  :cheer: 

Wow!  :excited: Big chunk of healing, indeed!  :cheer: :applause:

Quote from: Blueberry on November 25, 2018, 12:15:21 AM
I was so surprised at how relaxed I looked, smiling broadly at some points, especially at the beginning before I started talking. I looked animated at times too. This is a huge change.

Big chunk of healing going on now :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

This is really great, Blueberry.   :applause:
Hope  :)

Thanks everybody :) :) Maybe I should have said 'public speaking' actually. However the changes in me are the most important thing.

I slept and dozed most of today so when I checked back on here and saw all your messages and my own post I suddenly saw the lightbulb. Bing! That's why not much else is going on, that's why I don't have the motivation to get on with other things on my list or even just have fun or something.

Just want to join in on the cheering. Wow, that is alot of progress that you have made. And how incredible that you are also in a place where you can notice and acknowledge  the victories you did during that speech!  :cheer: big hurray!

Thanks Sceal  :)
____________________________________

Today I had planned to do all sorts of stuff, most of which I didn't do. I'm not sure what's going on. I did think to myself it would maybe be best to go for a walk in the fresh air, but I didn't. Or deliver a couple of things I meant to deliver to 2 different people, but again I didn't. Possibly I was concentrating too much on other people. I did have a flash of an idea to buy myself a big artist's block because I've been wanting to stick all those papers, postcards, photos etc. lying around into it and write little comments. But instead of doing so I went back to bed and slept for 4-5 hours. So now I'm up and awake at a time when most people are going to bed.

I did phone a friend I hadn't spoken to for a few weeks and apologised for being a bit stand-offish. She hadn't noticed though. And I phoned a client to reschedule an appointment. So that's good. But there were a number of other people to phone about various things and I didn't. I went back to bed.

Hi bb
Sounds like you needed some rest a relaxation, I usually need a day or 2 like that each week where I can sleep, rest and get enough energy to tackle the next couple of days, my t says the emotional chaos inside is very very draining and it's natural and helpful not to ignore that, so I'm going with that, I used to hide somewhere to sleep mid day as I was so ashamed of my laziness.
But now I think of it as more of an emotional regulation to keep me on top of things (well not exactly on top of things but not drowning in anxiety at least)  :bigwink:

I guess I did Wattlebird, because today I got on with some of the things from yesterday. Now at the end of the day I'm tired so maybe yesterday i was resting in advance. I do that too e.g. stay in bed in the morning because that automatically limits the amount of rushing around I can do in a day.

I think I expect to be over taking naps by now. It is true that I'm moving forwards quite a bit but I still need to rest more than people my age normally would.

blueberry, i echo all the cheers here.  well done, especially that you can see positive changes for/in yourself.  that's so very cool.  so glad you got a whole lot of healing going on. 

i have been taking naps since my 20's, and a lot of times they are the most restful and rejuvenating sleep i get.  i still take them, and don't intend to stop.  i've always firmly believed that rest/sleep is the most healing thing we can do for ourselves.  for those of us who've also been traumatized, dealing with 'everyday' things can be heavy and wearing, where it might not be for someone else.

so, i've put those comparisons aside, and i'm glad.  my dad used to nap every day as well - maybe that's where i got the 'permission' to do it without feeling guilty/ashamed about it.  at any rate, as long as it's helpful, i don't see where it has anything to do with lazy, and everything to do with self-care.  go back to bedders, unite!   :cheer:

love and hugs, sweetie. 

I feel all tired again today. I did get some stuff dealt with e.g. some Xmas shopping. I also bought a large artist's pad and was thinking of getting on with using it but then didn't.

My legs and feet hurt from yesterday and this makes me depressed because I used to be able to walk great distances fairly quickly. Now lack of exercise is taking its toll. But I also know that planning to exercise 2-3 times a week is just not going to work. Regular exercise is anathema to me. Maybe something to explore in T.

I am interested to see in the local newspaper that you can apply for a free spot in a year-long course on improving eating habits and upping your exercise. The photo of this year's group in summer: at the start of a half marathon and most of them are as overweight as me or worse. It probably would help me to be in a group but otoh with my all my exhaustion and everything-is-too-much, it might not be wise. I'd probably force myself to join in on this or that despite being in an EF. That doesn't tend to go well. Either I get all controlling and angry or I collapse later and don't manage other important things in my life or I feel like a very small hurt and frightened child.

It's not so much being fat that's bothering me. It's more noticing how my physical condition is going south and noticing that I can hardly keep up with other people on hikes or bike trips (even slow ones). So then I don't join in on these activities and then I go into a downwards spiral of less exercise means body gets weaker and weaker means exercise becomes more of an effort means I give up before I start. Well, I'll still consider the offer for a bit.

I know the struggles with food all too well, and also the desire to want to plan to excersise enough, yet never getting around to doing it. (despite having plenty of time for it).
I was recommended a book by my GP, and I also saw they are recommending it at the eating disorder centre here. half the book is talking about eating disorder, what it is and what it does. And the second half of the book is a self-help tool you can use. Perhaps this can be something for you to look at?
It's called Overcoming Binge Eating by Christopher Fairburn. I don't think you need to have binge eating disorder to explore this book. I have it, and I've read through it.

I might look into the book, Sceal. I'm having enough trouble in T with the topic though. I just don't want to feel into it. I imagine it'll be similar with exercising too.

___________________________

I went to church this evening and felt very dopey. Then I realised why: there are memories and realisations coming up. No surprising memories, nothing shocking. More stuff where I think "oh, yeah, that." Emotional abuse. I guess it's taking its toll though.

 :hug:to you Blueberry - I just popped by to say hello  :wave:   I hope you get to enjoy that large artist's pad you bought - you've reminded me I would like to do some drawing or some painting.  I hope you are able to get some rest - as I know you are feeing a bit dopey - with all those realisations coming to mind. 
Hope  :)

Actually the artist's pad is for something like a scrapbook to stick all sorts of bits of paper in that I have lying around the place - newspaper articles of things that interest me or things I've been involved in, photos of me and others, souvenirs,  mementos. Then I'll write things beside them and see what comes of it all. At least it will reduce the pile of who knows what on my floor and table.

That sounds great, Blueberry - I hope it goes well.   :)
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope! I did start it yesterday late and continued into Sunday morning 2am. I am a night owl ;) Pete Walker suggests something similar. I don't remember in which book. I had the idea beforehand actually but was just pleased to see that he's suggesting it too and even does it himself.

I was enjoying working on it yesterday. It brings up pleasant memories of the past couple of years, reminds me of my strengths and interests, or where I took beneficial action for myself. It shows me who my friends are and who they were but no longer are, but still the focus on these were friends so celebrate what was, take the good from then.

Today I didn't get out of bed till past 2pm. Sunday's a day when I can usually allow myself to take a real day of rest. If I lie in bed most of the day so be it. I'm actually going up to the farm tonight where there's an interesting talk. Then I'll stay the night, do some work in the morning and come home to a pretty full rest-of-the-day on Monday at home.

I wasn't just lying around sleeping though this morning. I was positively enjoying my cozy, warm, comfy bed. And I was going through in my mind what I'd like to write a mbr of FOO. I read back in my diary that T was helping point me in the right direction on this in March and April. I know that that looks like a long time but it isn't really. It's quite simply the time I need to heal, the time I need to conceivably write something beneficial going forwards and not blank out completely ["Dear FOO mbr, Blank".] or throw myself under a bus.

I have needed to get to a point where deep within my soul I'm talking about something other than blame. Not blaming myself, not trying to sort out who is to blame in FOO. For people further along in healing than me this will all sound so logical. Or maybe some of you never had blame games going on in FOO. Our FOO did. Back in March/April I would've written to FOO mbr that I'm not 100% to blame. My T said: "so 99.9%?". That's exactly how some FOO mbrs would react and laugh, not realising or caring about the seriousness of the situation. Something is shifting in me atm.

I hope to get another T appointment before Christmas to work on this. January would do too.

personally, i think the blame game sucks, yet i find myself dwelling in it from time to time.  some of it comes from not putting blame/responsibility where it belongs, when i carried it all on my own shoulders.  that's been important to me to make the shift, and allow that i shared responsibility for some stuff, but it wasn't all about me.

actually, i got that insight from someone here.  it was incredibly helpful, and a big relief.

i think what you're doing, bringing back pleasant memories, is pretty cool.

i hope that shift you're feeling is pos. and helpful, blueberry.  love and hugs.

I agree with San, that the blame game is really awful and bothersome. Yet being able to place the responsibility over on the correct people fully, is quite helpful. i also think this is somehing we'll have to do again and again, until finally it sticks.

Quote from: Blueberry on December 02, 2018, 02:55:50 PM
  I know that that looks like a long time but it isn't really. It's quite simply the time I need to heal, the time I need to conceivably write something beneficial going forwards and not blank out completely ["Dear FOO mbr, Blank".]

Talking about "Blank", I was thinking about how my T thinks that part of my overeating and unhealthy eating is an act of defiance towards FOO. The word he uses in his language reminds me immediately of the 'terrible twos' so I was thinking about how I could talk to a very little Blueberry, a 2-3 year old, and my mind went blank. Not for the first time. It's as if I have absolutely no idea how to even begin to approach the 2-3 year old inner child.

It was good that I decided to look up the English equivalent of the word T is using so I could write it here. "Defiance" is not something where I immediately think of a 2-3 year old. I'm not feeling what age yet, but definitely older. The Blank has gone because there's something concrete I can feel into.

I know logically that being defiant in a way that damages myself is not constructive or beneficial but this knowledge isn't enough to change my eating habits. I need to go deeper. "defiance" sounds safer to me than "terrible twos" so it may be easier to go deeper. I couldn't feel proud of being in the "terrible twos" whereas being "defiant" I could at least say that I feel strong, feel completely grounded in my body, and feel that I could defend myself if need be. Obviously a much safer place to be in than the 2-3 year old I was.

Good that I decided to write about this on here because it made me reconsider the meaning of the word.

'defiance' is a good word, and as you said, can actually be healthy or harmful.  healthy defiance is when we are seeking what's best for us, while harmful defiance is simply a rebellion with little thought to the consequences, to my mind.

besides the age around 2, when we begin to move out of babyhood into childhood, the other time that comes to mind is teenage years.  definitely a time of defiance.  that's the time when we're moving out of childhood into adulthood, questioning parental authority, and working to determine what's right for us, what we want to do with/for ourselves, and what kind of people we want to be.  it's also a time of experimentation to see what might work for us and what doesn't.

so, maybe? it's a teenage bb who's gotten stuck in an unhealthy defiance.  i don't know - just some thoughts i've gleaned along the way that i wanted to pass on.  if they don't fit, just never mind them.    whatever, i thought it was good insight from your t.   sending love and hugs, sweetie.

I feel that the defiance for me is good. What I do with it is the problem. At the moment though for me the progress is calling this thing 'defiance' and not feeling I have to chastise myself for behaving like a 2-3 year old. afaik I didn't go through either phase properly. M always said her children were no problem during 'the terrible twos'. She's proud of that. But actually you're meant to go through a period of separation from your mother as you find out that you are a separate person. I don't think M accepts that I'm a really separate person from her even yet. If I even think about myself as a toddler saying "No" and/or having a meltdown, that feels very unsafe, very risky. That would have been punished big time. It probably was too once or twice and then that was enough. Going my own way is totally taboo in FOO. I finally realised that again a few years ago last time I had contact with everybody. They don't want me to individuate. If it still feels so risky to me as an adult, then no wonder it feels so unsafe for a little toddler.

Bit by bit I'm going through the individuation now.

Today I was thinking further on 'defiance' and how I feel physically strong and well-grounded when I think of being defiant. My T teaches me to feel how my body reacts to individual words or in individual situations. This is a really good physical reaction so I know this defiance I'm feeling in my body is healthy.

Due to feeling what's going on in my body, I suddenly remembered some therapeutic chanting I was doing at one of these retreats about a year ago: "when I'm strong, I have fists. When I sing, I'm strong. When I sing, I believe in myself. When I sing, I have fists." over and over again. I even automatically came up with a tune to sing it to. The T suggested I keep singing it for a while at home, which I did. Today I've started again. This all tells me that this 'defiance' is taking me somewhere, it's an important step!

Turned down a translation project with no regrets :cheer:

Decided against applying for a spot on the "Get Off the Sofa" (and take more exercise / eat healthily) project since that would just be another act of me taking on too much and collapsing again.  :cheer: :cheer: Keeping going with step-by-step and seeing what impulses evolve into something semi-permanent rather than pushing myself in one single direction. I'm learning  ;D

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Yay, you!

 :cheer: :cheer: That is great, Blueberry - you set your boundaries there and you don't have regrets - that's so great. 
Hope  :)

very impressive, bb.   :cheer:

i think your insight about defiance is right on the mark.  we do have to go thru those phases, and when they're not allowed, we don't make mental/emotional progress about who we are as people and our place in the world.  your use of the term 'individuation' makes perfect sense to me.  if we're not able to do that, we get stuck.

so, i'm glad this feeling of defiance is working well for you.  you go, girl!  sending love and a hug full of encouragement.

Glad you turned it down and that you are feeling good about it!  :cheer:

Thanks everybody. I have a big smile on my face after reading your posts. ;D

_______________________________________
It will probably be beneficial to write this next bit down.

I was at a musical event a couple of hours ago. It was a come-and-go-as-you-please event. One way or another I got into conversation with my neighbour. The person a row in front asked us to talk more quietly, please. Fair enough. That involved this guy whispering in my ear and me in his.

Oh gee. I can feel the fear in my gut just thinking about and remembering it. I kind of froze. But also my guts were all buzzing (not in a positive way) and are again now too. And my mind too, that would be ICr I suppose saying: "There's no harm just sitting here; It's perfectly OK to talk to a man; What are you afraid of? You can end it if it gets too much; Just dare, this might be the man. Take a risk" etc etc. M and B1 both dropped by in my mind. I didn't freeze completely which is an improvement. It took a little while - I don't know how many minutes exactly - for me to say "Enjoy the rest of the evening" and get up and go to a different part of the venue where I could concentrate on the music and more particularly my breathing. It was only there that I noticed how stirred up I was in a bad way. Fear I suppose. I didn't want to feel into it.

So I just stood up and moved a bit to music (at home). Now I'm better grounded.

The sad effects of minor-seeming early childhood CSA by M, combined with physical abuse by B1 and my not being allowed to defend myself physically or verbally or individuate as a teenager or adult.

I'm not even remotely interested in sex. It's that bad. I just have always numbed out up till now. I mean so nothing more than maybe a hand touching my arm would happen and then I freeze. "not remotely interested" means "terrified" I suppose. But I think this man must have been sending some vibes for me to react like that. Otherwise when it's clear this is 'just a conversation' I don't have these sort of reactions any more.

Nothing to say except I hear you.  :hug:💞

Thank you. That means a lot.

Hi bb, that's an icky feeling I know, maybe because you were whispering it triggered a more intimate feeling, it's good you were able to leave politely, I am often unintentionally rude in that situation, some subconscious reaction no doubt.
It's good you had the courage to talk though well done.

Hah! Yes, the whispering :doh: Also it was darkish though some of the interior walls were illuminated. It was pretty actually but probably triggering in the situation for some inner parts of me.

I tend to forget that the CSA started so early that I'm often triggered in situations where there's no rational connection. I posted that somewhere else on here that the fear of flying that I developed as an adult turned out connected to cSA. No firm ground underfoot in a plane (for obvious reasons) and metaphorically-speaking not for Little Blueberries either.

'Forget' probably means either my ICr is going on about "don't be so ridiculous" in my subconscious or other parts of me are blanking out rather than feel.

Interestingly enough, my T thinks I'll need further trauma therapy at a later date to deal with the CSA. He's retiring some time in the near future and I guess he's sceptical of me being ready to process the CSA before he retires. That's OK for me. I now know that healing happens when it happens. Other things are ready atm, more for change in the here and now, than for processing old stuff. Both aspects are important.

When my student didn't come this morning due to sickness, I went back to bed and stayed there most of the day, mostly sleeping. I suppose I needed it. Maybe. I can't find the energy to begin to do more constructive activities. Quite a lot of my professional work involves the computer or at least I do need to check my emails and write documents etc.

But then I go online and read non-helpful things such as the absolute shambles going on in the politics of one of my countries-of-origin. I'm kind of fascinated by the awfulness of it. And then incensed at the hypocrisy of it. But spending too long on the computer isn't especially good for me. Today I thought: "maybe I'm just lonely." I did have contact with friends in various contexts on the weekend and spoke briefly to an acquaintance today and will tonight too if I can bother myself to go to choir practice. I definitely should do that!

That's the other thing: allowing myself to use all my senses and allowing myself joy are essential to bring me back up out of depression. The way I zoom around on the computer / online only involves visual senses and nothing stimulating about that. No colours or interesting patterns to speak of, just letters, words, intellectual stuff.

In choir practice I feel my body and my breathing, I hear sounds and I make them. And I have friends there or just people I know. Knowing the choir members there will be at least a laugh or two. And singing does me good. Repeating the words of God in song do me good too, even though I don't feel very religious. So I will go.

Tomorrow's a long day. I have 4 students, one of whom is coming for a double lesson and I also have a doc appointment. I haven't done any prep for my students. That was slated for today.

I feel a bit better back on track today. When my morning student cancelled I went back to bed again. That wasn't particularly helpful or necessary. Nonetheless I did some useful things this afternoon including work and I managed it all fairly well. At least the one on one work with my clients. I still need to do a bit of work on the computer without my clients around. But at least I managed while they were here :thumbup:

I suppose I maybe got off track the past few days because of the incident at the musical event? I certainly haven't done any further work on a whole list of things since then.  :thumbdown:

Today I had my last appointment with one of my docs, who functioned a bit like a psychiatrist. He's retiring next week. Although his practice is being taken over by somebody else, who he and his partner sort of chose, still that will be a change for me too. Somebody to check out and see - how much does the new one understand about trauma especially the complex variety? Are appointments helpful? Or do they put me under more pressure than I put myself under? Things like that. Probably I was feeling better this afternoon because I went to my doc appointment. He tended to have that effect on me. And man, did I ever have to look a long time for a psychiatrist or similar in my general region who was helpful to me!

Tomorrow I have a T appointment. I haven't done the work I was going to do: write a draft letter to B2. My mind (or my soul??) felt more or less ready for that when I asked T for an appointment but it hasn't worked out exactly. Maybe because of the incident at the musical event? That kind of freezing tends to throw me off. I have numb brain. I could try a letter to B2 on Recovery Letters though. Might get me a bit further. Maybe one to B1 too, though that wasn't planned.

Funnily enough or strangely enough, last time in T i told him about how I'd reacted to the latest missive from my parents and what I'd written to them. I decided even before my T appointment that it hadn't been the best idea, more like throwing myself under the bus as usual, though not quite as badly as usual. My T reminded me that it's OK to change my mind and tell my parents that. But when i checked in my Sent emails, I discovered I'd not written it at all. Maybe I'd intended to? Maybe I dreamt that I'd written it? Idk.

On another thread of mine I found this: "My therapist says that when I block emotions or expression of those emotions, I block a lot of other stuff too. " That's what is going on atm. I'm blocking emotions that have come up re: FOO in last little while as well as whatever got frozen during musical event incident. And then I block 'other stuff' like the will to continue taking steps forward and that kind of thing.

I've done a Recovery Letter to SIL1 that reached some emotions, and one to B1 that didn't really. Maybe it's better not to feel the emotions? If I take a guess at what those emotions are, it's probably anger and hurt/sadness. Anger particularly about his treatment of me at Horrendous FOO Event no. 2 and anger about his role in FOO, his denial and how much that's playing into him accommodating SIL2 against me and anger at him not realising what patterns he is repeating. Patterns he is repeating in keeping children away from a relative who is not any more toxic than the rest, or maybe even less toxic (I do have cptsd but at least I'm working on myself and admit to it!!).

Quote from: Blueberry on December 12, 2018, 11:20:07 PM
(I do have cptsd but at least I'm working on myself and admit to it!!).

Exactly, something that takes a lot of courage too

I came out of therapy feeling quite good today. Quite a number of things cleared up. But then I discovered that in my 3 hour absence my bike was stolen from the train station.  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: I do have a spare one but I haven't ridden it for a while and it isn't geared up for winter at all.

Plans for tomorrow scuppered. Need to ride around town on the spare seeing if anybody has dumped it in the river or the bushes. People do that - grab a bike to get somewhere and then just dump it, or dump it when they discover it's not as good as they thought. I have some new parts on it but chain and all that kind of thing is in severe need of maintenance. Well, at least I hadn't got round to that yet. That money is still saved (not spent).

 :'( hope you find it, dear.

well, that sucks, big time!  dang, so sorry to hear that.

that made a lot of sense to me, about blocking emotions includes blocking other things. 

good luck with your new doc.  i hope that all goes smoothly for you.

and best to you with those letters, any and all of them.  i agree, it's ok to change your mind.  backward, forward, or sideways.  we have to do what fits for us at the time, and that can always change due to any number of factors.

love and hugs, sweetie.

I hope so too 3R! I've never had a bike stolen so I guess I'm lucky that way. I've had one 'meddled with' and parts stolen, but the whole bike, no. It's my number one form of transportation.

I agree san, it sucks big time. When I wrote on here earlier, I thought to myself 'no name-calling'. This is simply a criminal, then i forgot to even write that. Mostly I'm thinking 'idiot' about the thief.

The one good thing about the affair is that it has galvanised me a bit out of my depression. This is something concrete to be getting on with  - looking about town for my bike. Concrete goal, ways of going about it simple: today on foot, tomorrow on spare bike go searching. I'm standing up for myself and not taking this lying down or going off hiding (in my bed). I went off to the police this afternoon lickety-split and with a purposeful air about me.

 :thumbup:  and  :applause:

very impressive, sweetie.  well done.    :hug: :hug: :hug:

I am very glad to hear that your therapy session were helpful to you! That you got to clear things up, and i hope it'll further your progess.

Sorry to hear about the bike, that stuff sucks major [insert any word you like]. I hope you do find it, and that it's not broken down or thrown in the river.

Back to listless depression today or regrouping and recouping in bed.

It's more than likely my bike won't turn up anywhere in my town whether in the bushes or the river. Whoever stole it had bike lock breaking equipment in his/her pocket, so not just grabbing a bike to ride from A to B but presumably to sell, or to sell parts of it. I might find the frame and chain / derailleur in the river I suppose with the other parts removed.

If sold, then out of town. My town is too small for you to want to sell the bike you stole here. You could do that in a big city but not here. Friends are telling me they would be really annoyed. I don't feel much. That's part of my thing, having parents telling me throughout childhood and later "when you do x, y will happen and you'll be sorry" in some ways I accepted the 'y' and didn't feel sorry. It was just the way it was. e.g. "if you eat too much, you'll get fat, and then it's a lot harder to get off than on". True, but I'm not sorry, it's just the way it is.

Hmm? So do I want to feel what's beneath? Not especially atm. I'm about to send some missives to FOO and it could be a good idea not to feel too much atm in order to manage these? Feeling panic or feeling other old, old emotions isn't especially helpful.

well, if i may, i'll feel something for you -  :pissed:

we work so hard to have something that is a positive addition to our lives, and then somebody comes along and does something like this.  rats.  i hate it. 

love and hugs, sweetie.

Quotewell, if i may, i'll feel something for you -  :pissed:

:pissed:

Thank you both. That actually made a laugh escape my lips. A laugh of relief I guess. It's not an especially funny situation. Though it could be worse. A break-in would definitely be worse and undoubtedly re-traumatising.

I've just been writing Xmas cards including to some people I haven't written to since Horrendous FOO Event. Obviously some things are moving again internally. I only stopped when I started fiddling with my hair. After 6-7 cards with notes. That's pretty good for me :cheer:  Mostly the cards are to friends. Only one an extended FOO mbr.

I started to feel annoyance at least. I also realised I was minimising when I said it could have been worse.

Quite a few memories came up in the night, mostly small stuff like how M would treat me when I lost things: "It's your own stupid fault" etc or just haranguing like one winter when I arrived home minus a glove. I was actually a university student by then and bought my own clothes, not to mention I'd already suffered all the way home in the cold so didn't need any pointing out how less than ideal the situation was. But still harangue, harangue.

So we'll just say my ICr was rather active last night. But I pushed it away and/or told it to look at the reality. Reality: in my circle of friends and acquaintances not one person has an OCr telling me "that was stupid, you should have done this or that differently to prevent your bike being stolen." Not one. Nor am I telling myself that.

I do feel rather lonely atm but it is a difficult time of year. I feel as if I'm pushing friends and acquaintances away because contact is often strenuous for me. Then it's not surprising that I spend a lot of time on my own. Quite possibly it's a minor EF. My ICr was going on about "useless" me, so lonely without family etc so going up to the farm :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: but I know those are the words of B1 from long ago. They're not reality. It was also verbal or emotional abuse of me for being in the situation I was in due to him and my parents. If that makes sense. It does in my head.

Sorry it's been awhile since I popped in blueberry.  Just wanted to send you some warm wishes  :hug:

Thank you Deep Blue  :hug:
_____________________

I was at the farm today, well I went up last night actually. Being there and doing the usual work I do helped me sort myself out a bit better. otoh I did notice that I'm not in the best state either.

Hi Blueberry, Just popping by to say 'hello' - sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

I didn't remember yesterday until I was in bed that I stuck up for myself yesterday and wasn't ashamed afterwards :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

It was at the farm, though it wasn't the person I have trouble with who I've mentioned before. It was in fact somebody who comes to clean. I was washing dishes and had the light on above the sink. She came by, talking, and turned it off. I turned it back on, saying I wanted it on. A few minutes later she dropped by again and turned it off, saying "Why do you have that on? There's a window right there with light coming in." I responded with some irritation in my voice that I needed the light to see better by. She half-apologised. I don't think she'll be so quick to order me around any more! And as I say, the second bit of progress besides even giving her a piece of my mind not being ashamed that I showed irritation in my voice.

Some people say you ought to be able to state a limit calmly without showing irritation, but actually there's no reason for shame even if I do show irritation. I was irritated. This woman interfered with my work twice and she is in no way my superior.

 :cheer: :cheer:
Good for you, I think it's good you showed your irritation, helped show her that it's none of her business.  :applause:

Proud of you! Who says we shouldn't show irritation in our voices?!?

You were right and I'm glad you stuck up for yourself  :cheer:

i echo wb and db.  well done!   :cheer:

I say if you're irritated, show it. That's just being honest with yourself, and with others. Being irritated isn't wrong! Good for you!  :applause:

 :cheer: Well done! Great practice and awesome progress!

Thank you everybody!  :) :hug: I don't know who says we shouldn't show irritation. Maybe I got that idea somewhere from the over-abundance of irritation (by which I mean verbal abuse) showed in my FOO at the least provocation? You can go overboard with showing irritation.

I have heard of it in therapy too though, probably more in group therapy than with my present T. Though I do know he's shown me a limit before without showing irritation in his voice or anything like that. He simply said that the consequence next time is xy. I think in group therapy it's more that they show you that you can often defuse a situation better by remaining calm and stating a consequence. But if I think about it, there was no good consequence to show at the farm. Saying "great, I'll leave the room and you can finish the dishes" was possibly even what she wanted. It might have been a territorial thing on her part.

Also in group therapy, at least what I've done, you're often aware of what situations in the past make you unable to hold your anger back anymore. If M and one GrM hadn't constantly 'straightened things up' while I was helping in the house or listened at the keyhole to make sure I wasn't doing anything wrong, then I wouldn't act so allergic in this kind of situation. This time it's a step forwards to notice that I'm perfectly in my rights to say/show "Hey! Stop! I have that light on for a reason. It is my right to have it that way."

It's good for me to note that I acted appropriately for the situation. I did show irritation in my voice, but I didn't yell or go berserk and I didn't swear or turn otherwise violent. (I mean unlike people in FOO when I was growing up). The first time I spoke perfectly calmly and gave a reason. She didn't accept my "No" and my explanation so then it was perfectly OK for me to show irritation. I have to work all this stuff out. It sounds a bit lol probably but otoh it's kind of sad that, um, I'm so badly damaged by FOO in this respect that I have to take these tiny steps.

I remember a year or two ago somebody took my place at the table which I'd reserved a) by saying "this is where I'm sitting" and b) by putting my bag there. I came back 2 minutes later and objected to her sitting there. When that didn't work, I repeated more loudly, so the person got up and moved to a vacant chair but complaining about me being loud or aggressive or something. I took the issue to therapy with me and T explained that it had been important to give push-back and to stand my ground. That person wasn't acting appropriately by taking my seat. She has treated me better since - she knows she can't push me around like that and ignore a limit I've audibly stated.

Now after those good realisations on moving forward, I feel as if I'm going to be moaning if I explain what's going on internally.

I feel somewhat overwhelmed atm, with thinking what I ought to be doing. I ought to go and visit an older friend in early January for her birthday - 4-5 hour train journey away. I ought to go to choir practice tonight, I ought to want to sing on Christmas Day in the church choir.
I ought to finish my Christmas post and I definitely ought to start cleaning up in my apartment. I would definitely prefer a cleaner and tidier apartment - that would make me feel less depressed but the only way to achieve that is by starting.

Feeling overwhelmed can be an EF and IC reaction - probably several reacting at once if I know me. This feeling overwhelmed is probably a reaction to my thinking I 'have to' do x and y because it's expected, rather than simply allowing myself to feel what I want to do much nearer the time.

Also I notice today and yesterday that I really miss having fur babies. I managed to keep my apartment both tidier and cleaner when I had fur babies than now, though I thought my cleanliness would get better when I didn't have any. I was certainly better at getting out of bed too. And I was less lonely.

A good thing today: I finally got a couple of things sorted at the bank :cheer:. It wasn't really difficult, but something I've had in mind doing for a number of months, which just shows me again how hard it can be to function the way I think I ought to be able to, as an adult. 

Your constant awareness of the hurdles that make what other people think as little simple everyday tasks hard for you, but your constant recognising the fabulous steps you take at reversing those default settings from trauma, flashbacks, critic, fear is so inspiring.

You go Blueberry! Rooting for you  :hug:

I think your right blueberry, I know it's not always helpful to show irritation, but when someone has ignored your already stated wishes then I think it is ok, they are disrespectful and should have that indicated in some way like the seat you reserved, it's appropriate to give some push back.
I know the should do dilemma and I think it's hard to motivate yourself when your doing everything because others expect it.
Good observations not moaning   :yes:

Hi Blueberry,
This time of year is rife with ought to's - but the fact you have identified them, means you can consider whether you want to or could do - or whatever phrase you feel pertinent to what you'd like to do.  Language is so interesting from the point of view of the expectations that are accompanying certain words and phrases.  I sometimes wonder where they come from - i.e. are they my own expectations or someone elses, and I can never be too sure. 
Anyway, I wanted to send you a supportive hug - and say I've missed you - and that I am sorry to hear that your bike was stolen - I hope it will be found somewhere and that you can be re-united with it. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

To echo others - I, too, congratulate you for taking the stand against the rude woman and for really thinking about those "shoulds" and "ought tos" in life and separating yourself from some of that.

I am picturing you reunited bike!!

Thank you everybody for comments and general support  :grouphug:
When I come back here to read, I remember "Hey yes, there was that big progress on the farm on Monday! :cheer:

I'm not really doing anything I ought to do atm. Mostly when not teaching, I lie in bed dozing and doing crosswords.

I remembered why going away seems overwhelming: it's the packing to go and getting out of the house at the right time to catch my train, whether it's an early train or not. That is very difficult for me. I used to think it was on account of getting the Fur Babies all set up for me to leave them a couple of days or to leave them and my apartment in a fit enough state for somebody to drop by on them. No. Because I have the same problem without Fur Babies.

What I did do yesterday was put up a little ad in a local shop saying I'm happy to look after other people's Fur Babies, though just the type I used to have. Maybe somebody will contact me. There are other places I could be waving my flag including online but for the moment the local shop is a start.

I've had a little more contact from FOO recently, mostly emails with photos of Littles, but also some post. That includes an Xmas card with "Love" written on it. I don't think so. I mean I don't think what they feel towards me is love. Especially SIL2, even though she signed her name, but B2 not either. Not after their treatment of me last time I saw them. So this is what I get when I ask for more contact with my niece and goddaughter, more contact with her parents too. Good to know. I suppose it's inevitable, at least in my family.

QuoteSo this is what I get when I ask for more contact with my niece and goddaughter, more contact with her parents too.

😳

I went to a Nativity Play this evening, with some of the farm people. I wouldn't have managed to go on my own. I just wouldn't have got my act together to do so. I intended to be at the farm by 11 am at the latest and didn't actually get there till after 3pm. One of those days. But I did finish my work there.

Being at the Nativity Play made me remember that singing actually does me good so maybe it might be wise to sing with the church choir on Christmas Day. Maybe I could get my act together and do that? Or maybe I'd even like to get my act together to do so?

I made a mistake this morning. I said to myself that I wouldn't go up to the farm before I wrapped up a present for my godson and another for his mother and took them to the post office. Oops. I had forgotten that that kind of plan doesn't work out. Eventually I went to the farm without going via the post office. All the way up to the farm I felt badly about what I'm doing to my godson. I had been feeling like a bad friend to various people atm anyway. Maybe a bit of an EF? Cuz now that I'm back from the farm I feel OK about myself. Not really good, but OK.

Though I think the issue with my godson involves me learning a) to accept myself and my limitations and NOT thinking I'm bad because I don't live up to my expectations or his mother's and b) to say in advance how I want contact to be and if that doesn't fit their plans, then it doesn't. But I still don't go back and rearrange my plans e.g. spend longer at their place to convenience them and then blow a fuse because it's too much.

This is difficult for me. But it's also necessary.

 :bighug:

i like the way you think, and i'm really glad you remembered about singing.  i think that's great.   love you.

Thank you san :bighug:

I would say I'm a little further out of my EF. I got a few more bits of Christmas post to the post office, including to my godson. I did a little tidying (not that anybody would think that who dropped by) and a little bit of last-minute Christmas shopping including my "tree". Just a branch which I put in a big vase with my decorations on it. Last year, if I remember rightly, there was so much junk on the table I usually put the vase on that I didn't bother with my "tree". This year I made the effort though. I cleared the table a week or so ago. It's just round about that's rather messy.

I've also decided not to go to a party this evening. I did tell my friends a week or so ago I would attend. But now I realise: it's too much. There will be lots of other people there so I don't even need to feel bad about it, as if I'm leaving friends in the lurch or anything.

I finally put a bit more laundry in the washing machine. Then I decided just to set it going even if not quite full. I don't normally, it's an eco thing here. Only wash full loads to save water and electricity. Now there probably are more items for that wash lying in a mess on my bed, but I decided in my state today better not put off washing to look for stuff. Just set the thing in motion.

I started washing the dishes but didn't manage to finish. I put my latest bank statement consisting of 5-6 pages in my binder and had trouble figuring out the correct order of pages. So that (along with laundry and washing dishes) indicates to me that my state isn't too good atm. So time to give myself a 'break' when things don't run to plan.

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that you enjoy your evening - I know you have decided not to go to that party - you're giving yourself a 'break' - and I hope that you are able to get some rest and relaxation, and anything else that you need or want.
:hug: to you,
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope. I got some more housework done. It was a real effort to manage to hang all my laundry up, but I persevered and got it done.

Before that I cooked myself some pork i'd got from the farm along with apples and onions. I know you'd normally add potatoes or other starch to the mix, but that honestly would have been too much for me. Such is life in my cptsd world. I'll have the potatoes some other time. I do that anyway - just eat potatoes and squash or potatoes and carrots. No wonder I refuse to cook at the farm when I can't even make myself a pretty standard meal. I certainly couldn't for 12-18 people.

Anyway I was thinking that was a bit like my special meal for the season because I won't be home for my main meal on christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

I see reading back in here I thought I managed to circumvent an EF after contact with B2 about my niece. I don't think so now. I think it just didn't turn into a full-blown EF. When the slightest little thing tires me and I can hardly finish hanging up the washing or doing the dishes, then that's the sign of really bad emotional exhaustion. 15-16 years ago it was like this all the time. Now fortunately it just comes sometimes. This time I managed to keep ICr quiet so that probably helped bypass a full-blown EF and possibly helped prevent me from collapsing for a few weeks. I feel though as if I'm on the verge of collapse. So that means: be careful of own needs and avoid acting on 'oughts'.

Some body memories of CSA came floating up in church today, of all places. No wonder life has been difficult recently, no wonder I've been hiding away. NTS that's what I do and that's what life feels like just before memories resurface.

Actually it's not so suprising they came up in church because that's where the musical event where I froze a couple of weeks ago took place. I even thought this morning before I went to church that it would be good to go to church to get a good feeling about it again. Not that I'd consciously been aware of any bad feelings since the musical event. Further NTS: try and connect thoughts like "it would be good to go to church to get a good feeling about it again" with actions like doing a round of EFT or even Screen Processing before getting back in said situation. This means being more proactive.

I feel exhausted at the thought of EFT, Screen Processing or being more proactive.

blueberry, i'm just glad for you that you're recognizing what's going on, it seems more quickly and more clearly.  it sounds to me like you got a lot of chores done, even if you didn't finish some of them.  i'd say it still all counts.  some days that's all i can do is begin something - finishing it just has to wait for another time.

i think you're doing wonderfully.  love and hugs.

It's a very triggerish time of year. (I made a new word. :))  ) I was just thinking this morning how exhausting doing all this work on ourselves can be, just to be able to be around other people without a meltdown. Hugs to you.  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,  I know you've had some body memories of CSA whilst in your Church - and I wanted to send you a safe and gentle hug, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you, san, 3Roses and Hope for encouragement, hugs, and saying how you see my situation objectively. Merry Christmas btw and all the best for getting through this season. My Christmas celebration starts in 2 hours -  I need to get moving. People celebrate on Christmas Eve here.  :)

Merry Christmas Blueberry
:bighug:

Merry Christmas, Blueberry

Merry Christmas Deep Blue and jdog!

________________

I've just got in again from my celebration, followed by church and the midnight gathering in the town centre where a horn of types is played and everybody sings Silent Night. The celebration I went to was nice, nice to be in company and everything organised. A friend of mine was there and saved me a seat :)  I only found out this morning she was going too. I really do appreciate that a group of people get together as volunteers and put the celebration on for people like me who might otherwise be on their own, or irf not on their own maybe feeling a bit like a spare wheel at friends' and their family.

I didn't have any flashbacks in church this time  :) I enjoyed the music and singing and candles and the quiet peacefulness. There as well as at the midnight gathering, I felt this real feeling of belonging! That means so much to me after a childhood and lots later too of not belonging. As I wandered over from the church to where everybody of all denominations and non-denominations sings Silent Night, I noted how easy it is for me on my own. 'easy' isn't quite the word. I feel fine about being on my own. For years, I suppose my ICr was raging away about how much of a failure and loser I was for being on my own. I know those were B2's words and my parents' tacit agreement even though M and F didn't quite use those words, or at least not that often. I endured so much criticism and mockery from them over the years for simply being on my own that being on my own for years afterwards made me feel very, very self-conscious. I could almost physically feel how the people round me were making fun of me. They probably weren't, but the memory of FOO doing it was almost physically tangible in the air around me. That seems to be gone. :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: There may be times when the feeling comes back, but I don't think with that amount of vengeance any more. It certainly wasn't there tonight. So then I can absorb the peaceful feelings around me, and there certainly were some in the air. I didn't imagine those.

The carol Silent Night was written 200 years ago exactly, they said tonight.

May the good feelings of peace linger and remind you of the many good things that are happening.

Merry Christmas!
I am glad that you have found peace in being on your own, and no longer feel the ICr due to your FOO being nasty

Definitly sounds like progress, I'm glad you didn't feel bad about being on your own and had no flashbacks as well yay.
Happy holiday season blueberry may the new year bring you peace in all areas of your life.  :sunny:

Quote from: Blueberry on December 24, 2018, 11:55:02 PM

I didn't have any flashbacks in church this time  :) I enjoyed the music and singing and candles and the quiet peacefulness. There as well as at the midnight gathering, I felt this real feeling of belonging! That means so much to me

That sounds wonderful, Blueberry -  :hug:
Hope  :)

QuoteI felt this real feeling of belonging!

Such a great feeling! ❤️👍

Yeah, it really is 3R! And the feeling of belonging is continuing too!

Lots of good stuff today and in the past few days, so much that it's too much for 3 Good Things Today thread.
The feeling of belonging: I remember last year at the farm round Christmas time, they were singing carols a capella. I didn't dare to join in knowing that I have a lot of trouble hitting the correct notes. Last night and a couple of days ago, I announced that I can't actually sing, really, despite being in a choir, and that I sing the "5th voice" and then I sang the carols I knew without even being self-conscious. And nobody said or even underhandedly indicated that I should keep my singing to myself. (Unlike in FOO in the past, even though nobody in FOO is a particularly good singer either).

On Christmas Day I decided, having only been at one choir practice for the Christmas service, that I would go to church, but so as not to rush around which is harmful to me, I'd just go as I was, straight from Christmas Dinner at the farm in fact and without my music, and I wouldn't sing with the choir, I'd just sit in the pew like everybody else. Despite the fact that everybody in choir has heard my singing lapses from time to time or even more often, two of my fellow sopranos said it was a shame I wasn't going to sing and then one said I could share her music (you mean you don't mind me singing off-tune right in your ear?? Apparently not). So I sang with the choir after all and enjoyed it. In fact I shared music with a different singer, so that was a third person positively enabling me to join in. This is so different from FOO's treatment of me. (FOO: you're a burden. Shut up, pipe down, go away. You're ruining our life / day / holiday / enjoyment....)

Other stuff: my back light on my borrowed bike gave up the ghost when I was at the farm a few days ago so one of the young farmers had a look at it for me and then further conferred with an experienced bike mechanic who happened to be visiting there today. The bike mechanic told me how I could mend it, tho he mentioned it's a bit tricky, and added I ought to paint over a very rusty spot to prevent the bike falling apart at that spot. With all my problems with doing things with my hands (all cptsd stuff and often with horrendous results), these jobs are basically impossible. The young farmer doesn't know all these effects at all, but he immediately offered to do that bike work for me on Monday when I'll be there again :cheer:   So I don't have to pay anybody for it. It's not something he has to do at all, and it's not as if he doesn't have any other work to do atm or that I don't get a form of remuneration from them. It's just him being kind and helpful. Cool. :thumbup:

Today a good friend came to visit with her son, who is my godson. In fact they dropped by on me at the farm, where I'd just finished my work. I haven't seen them since I was severely triggered by my godson and his siblings in the summer. Though it wasn't their fault, they couldn't help it at all! It was just cptsd in all its contortions and guises...

Anyway this time no triggering! Among other things, we visited the animals, which I don't often do at the farm because I don't work with them directly. My godson had fun watching the animals and stroking where possible and his mum and I did too but also had a nice chat. It was nice and warm where the sun was shining and generally very pleasant.

My fridge is brim-full of food, healthy stuff not junk.

Both last night and today, I massaged ointment into my feet. Self-care! My skin is pretty dry anyway and my feet often very tired and stressed. Massaging them always makes me yawn like crazy which in my case means physical tension is being released. Yeah, that's the word I was looking for - my feet hold a lot of tension, so it's really good for them when I massage them.

Round about writing on here and reading/moderating, I've been getting up a lot to move around to various more modern Christmas carols and now to nursery rhymes. I do sometimes enjoy these. I know that when I dance around to a particular nursery rhyme 5 times in a row it does mean that an IC needs that. It's good that I take the time to give this to the relevant IC. It's similar with these particular carols or maybe Xmas songs would be a better description. Get up and dance to them, helps me re-ground.

Last night I forgot to put out our building's communal compost bin to get it emptied this morning, today I noticed that it's empty which means that somebody else thought of it yesterday!! :applause: :applause: Not that it's my job, but usually when I forget, nobody else thinks of it either. Maybe the words I had with another woman in the building on the topic of locking the front door at night and leaving it locked (which she was pretty annoyed about - my mentioning it, that is) have had an effect? Because me, I'm often fairly annoyed at the amount of communal activities in the building, like putting various garbages out, locking front door at night, dealing with mice infestation, informing landlords about dripping basement ceiling etc etc fall to me. My annoyance leads me to occasionally attempt to discuss with neighbours. Despite the other woman's denial, it seems as if my words may have led to an improvement :)

wow, blueberry!  what a lot of good stuff!    :applause: :applause: :applause:

i feel so very happy for you.  that belonging stuff is a biggie.  how wonderful that you got to sing, which i know you love to do, and no one criticized.  i could totally relate - got some of that criticism myself - but now, with this d, she realizes that it's something i love to do, whether i hit the right notes or not.  yep, it feels so good.

i've always thought that if someone was singing, no matter what it sounded like, it meant that their heart was light.  same with whistling.  people usually don't do either when they're down in the dumps.

yay, you!  love and hugs, sweetie,.

Good stuff all over the place yay
I think singing is good for the soul, go for it, I'm glad others around you encouraged rather than criticised, sounds like you have some good people around you atm  :cheer:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 29, 2018, 01:26:30 AM
i've always thought that if someone was singing, no matter what it sounded like, it meant that their heart was light.  same with whistling.  people usually don't do either when they're down in the dumps.

I think you're right! Not that I'd ever thought about it before. So thanks for pointing it out :) So glad that singing is something you do too and that your d doesn't discourage you.

san and Wattlebird, I'm all smiles at both your posts :hug: :hug: singing is certainly very good for my soul and it's something I've longed to be able to do and join in on for years. I don't have a big long bucket list, but this was definitely on it. The good thing is: it's not some activity like bungee jumping that you do once and it's over, singing is something I can join in on again and again :cheer: 
_____________________________________

More progress: Last night after being on here and then doing some other stuff on the computer, I discovered that the front door had been left slightly open again and it was 1:30 AM! Man, was I annoyed :pissed:. I could hear people above me so knew who'd left it open. I pulled it closed and then locked it. Not too much later there was a little knock at my door. It was my refugee neighbour, who's just moved out with his family, wanting to introduce me to the man taking over his apartment and presumably to ask how to open the door.

I finally voiced my anger. There were two additional friends of his there. I didn't care. My words were something like "I asked you just last week to make sure this door is closed at night and you agreed to doing so from now on. It is ONE o'clock in the morning! In this country doors are closed at night. You ask me for help all the time and I help you and your family and in this case you aren't willing to do something I requested that makes me feel safe in the evening and night. Anybody could walk into the building!! Things do happen in this town, it's not completely crime-free! I feel that you are not taking me seriously and I am really angry." His friends tried to protect him "We didn't know, we'll close it now." I wasn't taking any of that denial stuff "Neighbour knew, I spoke to him just last week about it!"

OK, I do realise one can include more "I feel" statements etc but  :applause: :applause: to self for expressing this and not holding it in. I might manage more "I feel" statements at some time in the future, a few years from now. I feel very self-conscious using them when other people aren't. atm my progress is in a) expressing my anger and b) doing so coherently from my Adult persona.

Further progress: I don't feel bad at all about my expressing this last night. And beyond that, there's only a tiny vestige of fear that they'll get revenge somehow by attacking me. I know that's a FOO thing though, that's not reality. So the tiny vestige of fear is a tiny, tiny EF. I stayed in bed most of today, I felt exhausted. No wonder, that was a big deal last night.

(Other good thing - I've just been moving around to Xmas songs again :) )

I totally accepted myself lying in bed for most of the day.  :applause:

I got up in the early evening to go to the evening church service, since I'm unlikely to manage Sunday service at 9:30 AM. At church I was praying for help and strength and for God to be beside me. Then suddenly I started thanking instead of praying for. Thank you for there being people to help me (e.g. at the farm with my bike), thank you for me being able to see godliness in other people. Things like that. All pretty brief. It's progress for me because I didn't grow up with any of this. I'm discovering belief and God, and discourse with God as I go, as an adult. With my allergy to 'musts', I don't have any routine with this either. I sometimes pray when I'm in church before the service starts, if I'm there early enough. Not something I do at home, but that might come with time too.

Another good development I noticed at the farm: They don't tell me or insinuate in any way that I'm a burden. Unlike FOO. It's really good to notice the difference. It's obvious to them at the farm that I'm not capable of doing an adult's normal day's work there, nor can I necessarily work up to speed but unlike FOO they're grateful for all what I do do, and they say so. They don't mess around with "it's all your fault we had a bad harvest, you're too slow" which is the kind of thing I heard from FOO all the years. It's good to notice once again that other people don't join in with FOO's emotional abuse of me. They don't even see me as this "bad person" that FOO does. FOO's treatment of me and their refusal to allow others to support me in any way left me believing everybody in the world would agree with FOO. But they don't.  :thumbup:

Last night I lay awake a long time in bed and slept rather fitfully. The good thing is: in one of my awake bouts I wanted to eat some of my Christmas chocolate. But I didn't. :thumbup:  I didn't feel into why I wanted chocolate. That's progress for another time. Baby steps count here.

Hi Blueberry,
:cheer: that you voiced your anger.  That is really great.  There are so many positive things here in your Journal entry - and you've reminded me that moving around to Xmas songs is a good thing - I think I'm going to do that later today. 
:hug: to you, Blueberry. 
Hope  :)

wow, wow, and more wow, blueberry!   :applause: :applause: :applause:

i saw nothing wrong with your anger and how you expressed it.  personally, and i know that 'i feel' statements is touted to be the 'proper' way to express anger, but come on!  what you said, to me, was totally appropriate.  i actually think 'i feel' statements can blunt the anger expression cuz we're focused on saying it in an approved manner.  besides, i think it only works well if the other person is aware of that kind of anger expression.

i've seen/heard too many times - "but, i used 'i feel' statements, and they still  . . . .whatever".  i think that as long as there's no swearing, name calling, mocking, etc., that saying it like it is, like you demonstrated, is perfectly acceptable.  i think you did extraordinarily great!    :cheer:  well done.

sounds like you're making progress all over the place, including not ragging on yourself for staying in bed.  what you did WAS a big deal, and i can certainly relate to being exhausted afterward.  you deserved to rest.  and i'm also glad for you that you're noticing how the people on the farm treat you differently than your foo.  good for them and good for you.

progress all over the place, my dear.  keep on dancing - it's such a feel-good type of movement.  yay, you!   love you and  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Awesome! Fabulous! Astounding!  :thumbup: good for you  :applause: :applause: :applause:

That door? It's staying closed now :thumbup:

Since yesterday I've been feeling kind of shaky and very weak physically. I don't want to do anything but lie in bed. Maybe it's my body's way of forcing me to take a break, Idk. Anyway, I'm in bed a lot and not on here.

Rest up, hope u feel better quickly.

 :thumbup:

Dear Blueberry,
Wishing you a really good rest and recuperation, and I hope you are comfortable and warm and cosy - if you like warm and cosy of course.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

warm and cosy :yes:

________________
I was having terrible EF last night, fortunately I figured out that that was what it was before too long. All those thoughts: like might as well give up trying to heal, maybe reaching 50 is all I can hope for (hypochondria was going haywire too). I'm not 50 yet but the EF was seeing that as 'not bad' for someone with my extent of cptsd. Like I've tried out all my goals, I may not have reached them but I've tried and there are no plans left. I know that sounds very negative and possibly :dramaqueen: but I'm writing how it was. Then friends started drifting through my mind and I sort of remembered "oh yeah, friends."

Some time in the past 24 hours I got really angry at having cptsd at all. I haven't yet managed to really turn that against FOO, feel anger towards the whole extended FOO, the whole dysfunctional family system of FOO, but that will come.

i have no doubt you'll get to that stage when you're ready.  in the meantime, i'm glad you were able to recognize your ef for what it was.  do you have any dreams, blueberry?  to me, dreams are different than goals, but maybe that's just me. 

keep taking care of you, sweetie.  love and hugs.

Thanks san, especially for mentioning dreams. Yes, I have them. I think the EF was such that it told me my dreams were not attainable. Really this EF was just ICr repeating those caustic, toxic, nasty things FOO used to say combined with the conclusions I drew myself during those times as a Idk 8-19yo which was I might as well give up.   

I'm just touching base here again because at home alone sick in bed is kind of lonely. I used to have Little Furries to look after which would push me into some contact with the outside world e.g. to get them some food, but I don't even have that now. Just emails to a few people saying "can't come", "can't teach" etc  And anyway when I had Little Furries, I wasn't so completely alone because I had them.

As I lie in bed sleeping and dozing, realisations are coming up, none of them particularly pretty. Mostly about FOO and the extent to which I've been damaged by them and continued contact. I did do a spot of thought-stopping though, telling myself that these realisations can come up another time when I'm feeling a bit better :yes:

Sometimes I get sick to stop myself haring around and to allow things to come up, although I'm not consciously active in getting sick the way it might sound. Though in this case I reheated some potatoes which were past their best and had them for dinner a few nights ago - physical result: minor food poisoning I suppose. Emotional result: lots of time for ruminating and / or allowing things to come up. Causing minor food poisoning in self is definitely not good self-care.

Writing over on the Employment section (about volunteer / payment-in-kind work), I wanted to write the following, except it's bordering on SI, so here:

                                                    *** TW SI !! ***

It's sinking in ever deeper into my consciousness that FOO's behaviour and words when I was a child and teen were what brought me to think about throwing in the towel work-wise or even life-wise.

Here in my Journal I can develop it too: It's not really me and never really was me who wanted to die, it just seemed the logical conclusion (in a household much devoted to logic) in which I felt unwanted most of the time. Sometimes I didn't feel actively unwanted, maybe I even felt wanted? Yes, I think so actually, there were times when my parents were happier and didn't need a scapegoat. That was enough to keep me in the Abusive Cycle, but not to keep me emotionally healthy.

I didn't accuse my parents of not loving me, I accused them of not wanting me, that much I remember. Their reactions weren't too inspiring, they certainly didn't assuage my fears.  In fact they laughed. Which hurts now and hurt then. It also left me struck-dumb then. How was that a laughing matter?? But now I think: they're emotionally so low on the intelligence scale that they didn't know how to react. So they laughed instead of trying to feel. 

Giving up, not living, maybe finding an active way of ending life - these seemed logical conclusions by the time I was about 11yo.  Fortunately I veered off into non-doing / giving up / major depression / sleeping instead of seeking an active way to end my life. It hasn't been a logical conclusion for a long long time either. Might as well 'throw in the towel' is a throw-back to those years from when I was about 9yo till Idk late teens, though there were some breaks in those years too.

In the same way that actively wanting to end my life is not me, it's not mine, it's like FOO-impelled, giving up on things, throwing in the towel doesn't have to be me either. As I write that I have an image of a very small Blueberry, pre-school, who I need to go and attend to.

Thank you for anybody who read and thank you to OOTS for existing. Being able to write it here will have brought the suffering inner Child more swiftly to my consciousness than writing somewhere else or not writing at all.

Blueberry-

I am here with you, holding little Blueberry's hand and reassuring her.

It's good, I think, that you have identified it as not yours, but theirs. Or consequences of their actions. But that you, at the core, wants to live.  :cheer:

I'm sorry that they laughted at you, your right that it's their emotional immaturity causing this reaction, straight away I thought they laughted because they felt it was a ridiculous thing to say and didn't stop to consider you were quite serious. That must have hurt a lot,
Trigger warning si
there's a part of me that always suggests throwing in the towel, even when I know life is good and improving, it's not my intention or desire it's so frustrating just to have it pop up in your head uninvited.
Well done, good observations  :yes:

Thanks so much everybody for your support. When I re-read this part of my journal and your responses, I realise what a tremendous step this was yesterday. I cuddled my therapy bear whose name is Bear and despite being a bear actually represents a small inner child. The distressed inner child evolved quite quickly into non-distressed. I'm always so amazed how quickly that happens. I dread working with my ICs because I still remember the times I was working on re-parenting for hours and days and weeks and longer. Some of that was fun too :) :yes: swinging for hours, foot-painting with finger paints. But I guess eventually it got overwhelming.

Anyway the internal dread of working with my ICs - I'll try and replace that with the knowledge that once I start, it's over really quickly. It's like Screen Processing - it used to take ages. A 50 minute T session wasn't enough. We'd close it down and let it work away on its own and/or maybe re-open the next T session. Now Screen Processing can be over and done in 5 minutes at home alone, without T. I have up till now still mostly put it off till midnight or 2 AM :blink: So maybe I can get over that internal dread now too.

Quote from: Wattlebird on January 06, 2019, 11:00:56 AM
Trigger warning si
there's a part of me that always suggests throwing in the towel, even when I know life is good and improving, it's not my intention or desire it's so frustrating just to have it pop up in your head uninvited.

I understand that frustration about the uninvited thought dropping by. I used to be completely freaked out by it in fact. In time I learned to tell the voice that "we have other options now". "We" because in those times my ICs and Inner Teens were so numerous and usually at least one present at any given time. Saying "we have other options now" calmed down the virulence of it. If I remember rightly, it was even one of the ICs or ITs whose voice was suggesting it. Maybe this will help you some way, Wattlebird, if not ignore.

I'm getting better from my food poisoning, so that's good, to state the obvious.

Yesterday I was over at OOTF and saw Blueberry and was pretty confused briefly. That's not me over there! Never thought somebody else would come up with my name, but I guess it's not so unique after all. On the plus side, if FOO ever caught up to me on here, they'd be really confused about the Blueberry over there because that Blueberry is pretty different from me.

With Donna M's post on ego states, I got thinking about all that again and remembered: Hey, I can put one part of me in an imaginary place while me the Adult and the rest of us do something healthier! e.g. I could put that super active part that wants to stay awake all night reading, doing crosswords etc into an imaginary space where she can have fun all night while the rest of us sleep. I was so enamoured with my idea that I didn't follow up with it unfortunately :stars:          I started wondering about whether I could maybe put the bit that wants to eat in an imaginary food room, but soon realised that no, unfortunately, that's not going to work. But I think I'll try my original idea with the reading/crossword-doing part of me.

I finally found my paper journal which has been AWOL since about the time my bike was stolen. So I was overjoyed to find the journal under an ominous pile of things. Too bad I definitely won't find my bike under a pile in my apartment. On the plus side, there's no pile in my apartment that would actually hide a whole bike.

A realisation while I was sick in bed: the reason I have so much trouble 'just sitting' with my feelings, allowing them to be and then evolve and move on (which the feelings did when I was doing this with my T anyway) is that all that reminds me of the way FOO especially B1 used to react about my feelings. He'd say "Ooooooh weeeeeeellllllll".

If I go back in my mind to Horrendous FOO Event, or rather when I'd managed to leave it and was in the city with the airport, it suddenly dawned on me how utterly callous B1 and B2 had been to me during HFE. Looking back from now, from a place of greater healing, the callousness - it's a FOO thing towards me, my parents were callous too through most of my childhood. In fact when I mentioned to enF while leaving Horrendous FOO Event that I was rather sad to be leaving that place (one of my home countries) because that place 'gives me something too', he commented "tough-oh". So somehow 'just sitting with' seems to some part(s) of me to equate to 'ignore' (at best), 'make light of' or 'treat as a joke to hide the callousness'.

No, it's more 'just sitting with' equates to me being ignored, made fun of, or treated with callousness and contempt. So 'just sitting with' means to various parts of me that I'm back in the position of passive victim dealing with FOO's emotional abuse, not allowed to fight back or defend myself. Now that I've figured that out, it'll be easier to practise sitting with my feelings. Because now I know what to tell my ICs and I.Teens, I know what they need to hear to feel safe(r).

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad that you're feeling better after your food poisoning - that must have been tough to cope with.  I saw what you wrote about there being another Blueberry over in OOTF - that must have been quite disconcerting - I guess it's very possible though.  You expressed some good ideas about the imaginary places for your ego states to go.  I must admit I find terminology confusing, and I don't know what to call my parts/ego states/aspects - I don't know. 
Glad you found your paper journal - and that you felt overjoyed - that is a great feeling.  It's too bad your bike hasn't been found though - I wish you could get that back. 
:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

More realisations coming up today while I was lying in bed.

I'm meant to be teaching in a few minutes, realise I don't really have the concentration for it. My student has an exam tomorrow so it's not ideal that I'm in this state, hardly able to sit still, never mind prepare properly.

I managed to teach, then I turned down all my students for tomorrow and the rest of the week.

The realisation I had earlier today while dozing was that one part of my eating disorder (and other problems) is: "I don't care". Saying that, thinking that as a child was a form of protection for me. FOO criticised, I replied "I don't care." There was more to my realisation but it seems to have sunk back down again.

A secondary realisation was that lying in bed sleeping and having some realisations is much more important rn than trying to be normal, whether that's teaching or cleaning my apartment. When realisations are coming up, they're coming up whether short-term inconvenient or not.

Two days ago was two days ago. Now that no more massive realisations are coming up, it's time to activate myself. I 'discussed' the issue with one of my therapy animals (stuffed toy type) and she was in total agreement ;)

I was reading in my paper journal and exactly a year ago I was telling myself I needed to activate myself then too. I was also suggesting I spent less time here on OOTS. It's not a question of stopping moderating I don't think. Anyway, I'm going to end on that and go and be active. That precludes doing anything else on my computer.

Hi Blueberry,
I like the fact you discussed the issue with your therapy animal - and she was in total agreement.  It made me smile  :)  Just wanted to send you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :hug:

I was working on my eating disorder today. I noticed again that when I don't allow myself to overeat, I end up restricting myself in other ways too. This afternoon I went to bed for a while instead of eating. Although I've had quite a lot of the type of therapy where they ask you: What could you have done instead? There must be something between overeating and going back to bed, it still seemed impossible to do anything constructive in that moment. Could be a very very small inner child from an age where you only eat or sleep.

I did get quite a bit of other stuff done though today. A fair amount of cleaning, also some tidying and throwing things out. Various emails. Also cooked a semi-healthy meal. Went to church this evening, which reminded me that sometimes it has helped me in the past to pray "Deliver us from evil", the evil being that which doesn't do me any good e.g. overeating.

It would probably be beneficial in the medium-term if I wrote a couple of emails to FOO tonight. I note though how hard it is. Anyway I'm signing off now and will only write in my paper journal for the next two weeks.

I think the small inner child idea is a possibility, seems to fit. I love your self awareness. I struggle with it a lot, but I'm improving  ;D

I wrote over on Extremely Difficult Day, then signed off. Then sat drinking my tea and thinking of other things I could have written about that narc. But come back on and everything's gone from my mind. So too early to write, except that this narc reminds me of SIL2 so now I know: she's a narc as well. This narc also reminds me of B1 - she takes up so much space verbally and just by being.  :blowup: Not sure if that's for her or for B1 or both.   This place is a yoga ashram but not everybody who works here acts particularly the way you're meant to as a yogi.

Anyway, I'll go for a walk in the woods now and then I have a yoga session. I may feel tired after both, but I will also feel better.

 :hug: a walk in the woods sounds lovely! I'll be there with you in spirit. Or not, if you'd rather walk alone. ♥️

Thanks 3R! Your safe company was great, but I'm glad nobody from the yoga place attempted to join in the walk ;)
________________________________________

Putting Narc Woman aside for a while, I went through lots of growth at the yoga place. Lots of steps forward and realisations. I've come back with more energy and more determination, at least for carrying out some activities.

While at the yoga place, my self-care was better - I brushed both my hair and my teeth more often and there was only one day when I was a bit late taking my second medication. I've been better about taking my meds at home now for a long time but it's often harder for me somehow when I'm away. As far as I noticed there was only one day on which I pulled out a hair. This also is huge. It's also something to explore - why do I do it at home semi-continuously?? Though today it has not been semi-continuous, I'm still mindfully not doing it  :) :applause:

I usually ate at the Silent Table and concentrated on what I was eating - texture, flavours - and chewed thoroughly. I was also more aware of when I was full. I also realised a few things about my eating disorder. Temporarily forgotten but I wrote them in my paper journal.

The biggest change was maybe feeling tempted to come onto OOTS and write about this and that in the early part of my holiday (before Narc Woman put in an appearance) but then deciding not to. I managed to write lots in my paper journal. I did EFT often, more or less everyday, because I had to deal somehow with certain feelings or happenings. I even EFT'd one day simply because I had done too much work. It was important to accept and forgive myself for that :yes:    Sometimes I felt too physically exhausted in my arms to do my EFT (it feels like this at home often too) but in the end I'd make a second attempt at it even if I only did my face because I knew I had to help myself somehow. I even did Screen Processing a couple of times.

I had a number of realisations about work and my problems with it. I also pulled through with my 3 hours a day work though as soon as I "had to" work (after about 6 days), I noticed various emotional obstacles. So EFT, Screen Processing... and I worked.  :thumbup: :applause:

I've come home with more impetus than normal to clean and tidy my apartment. After all, cleaning was what I was doing at the yoga place and I managed there without getting particularly exhausted, or when I did get emotionally exhausted, I looked at the issue and moved on :cheer:

Great report of a good growth spurt, Blueberry!  You have every right to feel proud. :thumbup:

Thanks Jdog  :)

This evening I picked up a large sheet of paper that's been lying on a pile in the corner for a year :whistling: - my attempt to write a list of Goals about this time last year. I gave up on it last January though. This evening I wrote all sorts of goals and in-between steps to help me reach those goals and have taped it to the wall. Some blockage has just become unblocked :) :cheer:

I may not complete all the goals and allowing myself this helps me not feel pressure. But it also really helps me to have a list like this on the wall.

 :cheer:

Bit of a downward trend the past few days, but I'm back on my feet and moving forwards again today. I wrote a must/could list when I got up. I had got up with the idea of going back to bed, but I didn't do so! I started clearing some shelving of all sorts of stuff - papers mostly. Some of them are going straight in the bin, others belong filed away somewhere else. I'm clearing the shelving so that I can push it back where it belongs, which is beside my wardrobe and not diagonally in front. It's rather in the way of opening my wardrobe, tho I can do so, and it's also blocking light. It's been that way for a couple of years (!) but is now on my Goal List to improve upon.

I got a letter from my new landlords today, but only addressed to my business. I noticed anxiety right away: "oh no, oh no, oh no. Are they evicting me? Or putting my rent up?" Eviction (even after 3 months) would be pretty upsetting and difficult for me atm. And if they 'just' put my rent up, that would be difficult. But I calmed myself a bit - just open the letter and read it first! It might not be bad news. And it wasn't :cheer:   Just a little form to fill in and telling me where to pay my rent as of tomorrow.

I've been re-reading my own threads on the Employment board. Despite deciding in the first half of 2018 that I wouldn't be looking for P/T employment in the next while (I didn't stipulate a timeframe but in my mind it's 2 years), I'm now seriously considering it again. I feel under-challenged atm.

While I was working at the yoga place, I was doing EFT and/or Screen Processing daily because I had to. Now that I'm at home again, I'm not. Nor am I doing things which I decided would be good to do. I mean at the yoga place I did cleaning and other household stuff for 3 hours a day, so I decided at home I could clean at least 2 hours a week, excluding washing dishes and laundry, since I do these 2 household tasks regularly anyway. Now I'm doing neither cleaning nor washing dishes/laundry. Same old: I'll do it for other people but not for myself.

I actually came onto the computer a good number of hours ago to write a couple of inquiry emails. One is to the second farm of the place where I work payment-in-kind. I discovered by chance that at the other farm, they're short of people to work at the farm shop on weekends, such that they're even wondering about closing on certain days or in certain months. I could actually imagine trying it out. I would have to be properly employed though. The next logical step would be mentioning to the second farm and asking exactly what they need and when, how often. But I'm putting that off.

The other email is to a restaurant out of town which employs a certain number of disabled people, including 'psychologically-disabled'. In fact their whole reason of existence is to employ as many disabled people as possible. I want to at least inquire whether I would have a chance there. Not that I'm good at cooking or even especially interested in it but there are other jobs, including looking after the grounds. I hope they don't employ any narcs. The two permanent people on the other farm aren't narcs. I know them both a bit. The idea for me at either place would be very P/T work, enabling me to keep going with one-on-one teaching. Since I came back from the yoga place, my interest has been re-kindled in translating children's literature. I have no other interest in translation though.

Maybe I need to forgive myself the seeming 'fiddling around' I've been doing in the last few days. Possibly it's a time of upheaval I need to go through while I figure out where else I'm going? Talking about 'fiddling around', while I was going through some papers, I found a really old diary of mine from when I was ten years old, where there was just a tiny little space for each day. On quite a few days I'd written that I'd "just fiddled around all day".

So when your tactics seem not to be working, maybe it's time to change tactics? It seems e.g. that deciding I ought to be able to do 2 hours a week cleaning, but not including washing dishes or laundry, was putting me off doing anything. So the constructive thing would be to find a more beneficial way of putting that for myself. Possibly a higher number of hours per week, but including washing dishes or laundry? Or possibly working out what made it easier for me at the yoga place, other than the fact that I sort of had to?

'Ought to', 'should' etc. don't work well for me anyway, they haven't for years, if ever.

This evening I finally put away my dry laundry which has been sitting about for a week and finally washed a bunch of dishes. What helped me along there was brief human contact. A friend spoke on my answering machine that she was going to drop by  briefly in 2 hours. An hour later my door bell rang. It was actually her husband with good news. I decided to stay up and not go back to bed, and also stay up and make an inroad on my messy kitchen.

This morning I was at T. I got 3 topics somewhat cleared up. 1) I had been wondering how on earth to get back on the normal job market when I might end up in a situation like at the yoga place where there's a narc hounding and triggering me. My T suggested it could be good to try for work and check whether there really is a narc. There may not be. I realise other people on here may meet narcs wherever they go, but my T says in his experience there aren't narcs as bad as Narc Woman absolutely everywhere and supervisors don't necessarily act as badly as those at the yoga place did. That's true. I've noticed that. When I have a problem at the farm, I can talk to someone about it and the problem will be resolved in some way without me having to say that I'm leaving and they can figure it out for themselves. Also having stood my ground at the yoga place e.g. "No! I'm not going to just put up with it for one more morning", well, that action will be partially healing in itself. I never could say that to FOO with any kind of feeling that it was a successful outcome for me, but now I've said it to other people with no regrets. I will be getting better at not getting triggered.  So, just try.

2) Why aren't I getting on with an email for either of the places of work I'm considering? My mind went blank when my T asked me what I could write, so he basically dictated to me. It's very short. The idea is not to write much in advance and especially not self-destructive things like "Oh actually I probably can't do the work you require anyway." Or "you probably need somebody for longer hours than I could ever do." No. Suggest I go to the second farm and discuss. Look at the work in more detail, what it would really entail. And know for myself how many hours I could do a day and not offer to do more. If the job doesn't fit my requirements, it doesn't fit. But then I'd know and can look into other ideas I have. But so long as I don't look into this, I'm blocking my head and heart/soul from considering other ideas. Fear of it maybe not working out is preventing me from trying.

3) In response to an email from B2, it would be good to write another Recovery Letter on here. Then I can still see afterwards if there's any point in carefully wording a real response to B2. As I said to my T, there probably isn't though. My FOO is just not receptive to that kind of thing. But at least on here i'd get some of the poison out.

I add to that that I may need to write another Recovery Letter to the yoga place or to Narc Woman, or possibly I just need to write more about the incident for myself and not bottle it up, thinking I'm over it. I haven't written much on here for a little while until yesterday that is, partially thinking it's time I moved forward with concrete steps (which sounds rather like 'ought to/should' :doh:).

Hey Blueberry,
I just caught up on your last 3 posts. It seems like you have alot going on, but not nessecerrily in a bad way. Alot of desicions to make, possibilities to look into and changes to try and make - and alot of thoughts on top of all of this! It can be really frustrating when you have so many ideas and thoughts but can't seem to start doing anything, because it might be a little overwhelming.

I think what your T said about sending an email asking to hear more about what the work entails and if it could be a good fit for the both of you is a good start. Perhaps you can think a little bit beforehand you go up there about what expectations you can manage to set on your own behalf? I don't know about you, but I tend to put too high expectations out of myself so I get overwhelmed and stressed out, and it reduces my ability to get anything done, and I ultimatedly end up failing. Not because I'm not good at it, but because I expect to be able to do too much too soon.

I also think it sound like a good thing to write those Not-to-send letters, I think I've read before that you've had some breakthroughs while writing them. Perhaps writing about the yoga place and the narc woman will help you have some breakthroughs on those parts as well?

Eventhough it sounds as if there's alot going on right now, it also sounds as if you're currently doing alright. (I hope I'm not wrong in that assessment?), It's very nice to hear.

:hug: , if that is alright with you?

Thanks for reading and commenting Sceal :)
:hug: :hug: are always great.

Quote from: Sceal on February 08, 2019, 06:46:18 PM
I don't know about you, but I tend to put too high expectations out of myself so I get overwhelmed and stressed out, and it reduces my ability to get anything done, and I ultimatedly end up failing. Not because I'm not good at it, but because I expect to be able to do too much too soon.

This is me in a nutshell.

I wrote that email yesterday. I haven't received a reply or acknowledgement but that's OK. There's still lots of time for that. After I sent the email I immediately felt anxious, but now I feel relieved. One step taken. Gives time and emotional energy for other ideas to evolve.

Yes, you're right. I am currently doing fairly well by my standards. It's good you remind me of that :)

Quote from: Blueberry on January 26, 2019, 09:23:46 PM
This evening I picked up a large sheet of paper that's been lying on a pile in the corner for a year :whistling: - my attempt to write a list of Goals about this time last year. I gave up on it last January though. This evening I wrote all sorts of goals and in-between steps to help me reach those goals and have taped it to the wall. Some blockage has just become unblocked :) :cheer:

I may not complete all the goals and allowing myself this helps me not feel pressure. But it also really helps me to have a list like this on the wall.

Hi Blueberry - I think this is really great. 

I'd also like to send you some hugs - if that's ok  :hug: :hug: 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope ;D  Just today I started ticking things off again on the list. Most things can be ticked off multiple times (like airing my apartment), or even daily (like taking my meds). Some things are a one-off, like moving some shelving back to where it really belongs, which I did a couple of days ago.

Whenever I take to thinking that I'm not achieving anything, I can look at the list on my wall, see checkmarks and realise that I am accomplishing things.

Today at the farm after I'd finished my Monday duties, I suggested I clean one of the bathrooms which is huge progress for me. This development has come directly from the work I was doing at the yoga retreat place. There I was helping with housekeeping, alot of which involves checking and cleaning bathrooms, or just washbasins, mirrors etc. in the bedrooms after people check out. The bathrooms are mostly communal and are done daily.

I don't actually want to really feel into my problems with cleaning. It's sort of a feeling of "Yuck, yuck" and wanting to shake my hands hard to get rid of something and then hide them up my sleeves combined with once the dirt is on the cleaning cloth and then in the bucket, the dirt/dirty water spreads and gets all over the place and I want to run from it. I can't explain it any better for myself atm and quite possibly I don't need to really understand it. The problem has obviously started to improve, this start may be enough. Sometimes the improvement comes in an unexpected way or place. I was hoping to become better at cleaning at home, but instead atm it seems I'm starting with being better at the farm.

I know in the yoga place I did some Screen Processing on difficulties with cleaning and GrM turned up, followed by GrF and M as 'bodyguards'. So that could be a separate issue to what's going on with my hands.

I didn't send enF a birthday card recently or acknowledge it in any way. This goes a little against the grain. I can imagine there may be some FOO members thinking/saying "she could have at least sent an email". But only a tiny little bit against the grain - mostly I just notice how good it is for me that I'm not engaging with FOO other than when absolutely necessary. As someone on OOTF pointed out to me, it's clear that any contact with FOO whatsoever ends up retraumatising me. So self-care involves putting myself first, protecting myself in a way that I couldn't as a child, nor as a non-recovering adult.

I didn't go to choir practice tonight. I didn't even go at the end to hand in my music from, um, Christmas.

The good thing is that around the end of choir practice time I started going through papers and throwing a fair number out combined with putting the other papers where they belong instead of back on some other pile. I probably wouldn't have started that if I'd gone to practice.

I also remembered just now after coming on here that when I'm stalling and not getting on with things I feel I ought to be, there's often something coming back up to the surface. It really was the case twice today that I had some realisations about past dealings with FOO where I accepted what they said in stunned silence, but today I came up with much different replies e.g.  :pissed: and  :blowup:. That is progress and more important than choir practice!! So, good to note. The replies weren't in my mind long enough for me to write them down in long-form but that may come too.

Also when I'm making progress in various ways, I tend to drop back in other ways. Atm I'm progressing again on the subject of employment. I'm noting ads for p/t jobs I could apply for in the future and old ads I didn't glance at maybe 6 months ago that I would think about now, if they were current. Even if they aren't current, it feels like real progress - I'm opening up to new ideas again. I also asked at the other farm and at least they haven't said "definitely not" but instead took up my suggestion that I drop by some day to discuss.

I also have a new student, an English-speaker who needs to learn the local language. I don't usually teach that, but this time on being asked I decided to. For various reasons I need to write up a different contract from normal and as usual that's difficult.

Being very unaccountable to myself atm. I didn't go to my doc's this morning though I was meant to in order to have blood taken. I even confirmed it on Monday with doc. I just know that it's annoying for my doc and especially his assistants when you don't turn up for blood tests and other jabs. So I'm sorry about that, but being sorry after the fact doesn't help catapult me out of bed on time. I slept all morning and kept ignoring my alarm until a parent phoned me to say her daughter was standing outside my office door, waiting.  :doh: :doh: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: My bad. Very bad.

Unfortunately, I also know that I tend to do this type of thing again and again when things are getting too much. Idk atm what exactly is too much. It might even be just my thoughts or conceivable plans are too much. ie. it might not even be anything concrete. Or it could be because of memories/realisations coming up, or being on the brink of coming up. Yesterday I wanted to eat and eat, so that was obviously an EF. It isn't much better today either, tho more understandable since I haven't actually eaten yet today. 

Time for some EFT.

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug of support  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :hug:

Blueberry-

Good recognitions about ways to seek work without self sabotage.  Maybe you can just move forward without it being an "ought to" or "have to".  Maybe just do it without the labels??  My life is obviously quite different from yours in most ways and that being said, I do know that just getting started with something new can be a challenge but goes much easier if I don't sort of shame myself into it.  I find that If I give myself permission to try without being perfect it is a big relief and I actually move forward.  Just a thought, not a judgement toward you.

Blessings.

Thanks Jdog :) Useful thoughts. Of course it's hard not to shame myself into doing things but that's what my T has been trying to move me towards as well.  Good that you reminded me  :thumbup: :thumbup:

Try without needing it or myself to be perfect :yes:

______________________________________________________

Now I know why I'm being self-destructive atm. Two reasons: I need to contact my landlords, new ones at that, about a plumbing problem in my apartment. It's causing a slight noise but especially a waste of water, the longer I leave it the more water it wastes. I even want to contact them because I don't like wasting water at all and the longer it goes on the more likely my landlords are to raise the water bill for everybody in the building. No separate water meters. Contacting landlords - well ime they are either angry (at being disturbed) and blame me for the problem (whereas often it's just wear and tear in an old building not well-maintained) or they say "yes, yes, we will deal" and then don't. Both of which remind me of FOO.

The other reason does have to do with the contract I'm working on for the English-speaker coming to me for lessons in the local language. Just in the way that negotiating contracts is always difficult for me because standing up for myself and making reasonable demands is very strenuous.

Thanks FOO, thanks cptsd in both cases. At least I realise this though. Yesterday I was shaming myself again about depression (going back to bed or not even getting up looks like depression to me) as in "therapy for so long and I'm still having the most basic problems, still tripping myself up. Maybe I genuinely don't want to be self-accountable. Maybe I just am super lazy." So no, I'm not super lazy. Going back to bed and/or not getting on with contract fast is due to deep-seated fear from ICs. ICs need my help. Now I remember too that way, way back in T - maybe 16 or 17 years ago I figured out that my depression is there to cover up the fear, and the fear is there to cover up emotional pain. Sounds as if that could be the case here.

NTS: When I spend time reading about other people's problems and pain in the news or in fairly recent history (e.g. Holocaust - where there are real-life accounts from people as opposed to the Great Plague where there probably aren't) , especially rather obsessively as I've been doing of late, then I'm escaping some part of my own pain.

I've just spent further time dealing with that contract and emailing the student about it. It's really hard for me not to be perfectionist when writing up a contract. Partly because I teach language, I think my own written communication has got to be perfect. I make an exception on here and let minor things slip, though I do write huge long posts just to make sure there can be no misunderstandings whatsoever, sigh.

With a contract I'm also perfectionist because it's a legal documetn. It has to be watertight, otherwise I can and sometimes do have problems with clients. Not that I've ever been taken to court, and I've never taken anybody to court myself. But that's all conceivable.  :aaauuugh: Argh. The downsides of being self-employed. If I were working for a company, they'd be dealing with payments and contracts. I'd just have to sign the contract. I might question one stipulation on a contract but not the whole thing!! I might grumble and mumble to myself, but I'd accept most stipulations because that's just the way it is, e.g. if you teach at a popular adult education place around here, you get paid at the end of the course so after about 4 months, like it or lump it. The students pay for their course right at the beginning, also like it or lump it.

Accepting "That's just the way it is" has something to do with authority I think. I don't exude tons of authority, tons of "don't mess with me", so people do mess with me, and then I allow them to mess with my head. Not all people, but some. Back to boundaries, I guess. If my body language showed more "that's the way it is", I probably still wouldn't be discussing this issue with the potential student.  :aaauuugh:

It does remind me however that my T is perfectly correct when he reminds me that although I can and do work, it's not a reliable source of income, and so when my parents ask - as they have done  - how much money I need to live reasonably comfortably on, it's perfectly legitimate for me to give a figure based on my lower monthly incomes rather than higher ones.

It also reminds me that cptsd is something I can learn to live with but will probably never really heal from. Get a little better bit by bit, yes. Learn to deal with a bit better, yes. Learn to accept better, yes. Have 'better' phases, yes.  Become 'normal' with no noticeable problems, no, unfortunately not. Still have phases where I wonder if I really do have cptsd or I'm not just lazy, unfortunately yes.

Today another day of going back to bed and sleeping. Not the whole day. I was out and about dealing with a few things and chatting to friends I came across in the town centre but I haven't done everything I need to e.g. write and post birthday card for my godson. That needs to be in postbox by 9 AM tomorrow.

A few work-related things would have been good to accomplish today too. Sometimes I just have to accept that for some reason I go back to bed instead. Sometimes it's even to stop myself resorting to eating junk. Not that I get rid of my addicition problem, I just postpone it.

I know in the last little while I have had some bad dreams including concerning FOO e.g. that I was back with FOO in my parents' household and couldn't get away. I hadn't had a dream like that for a long while, maybe a year or longer, and had thought I was past that. Obviously not.

On Thursday evening I was at the AGM of a group I belong too. It's pretty unthinkable for me not to go, but still I get a bit 'riled up' sometimes. So might be some after-effects of that too. Though I did notice something pretty positive. Unlike when I was still battling away in the Local Exchange Trading Society, there are definitely people on my side of a particular discussion in the Thursday group. They show it by picking up and continuing with my topic: "As Blueberry was saying.." and then add own arguments, maybe a bit more succinctly or more detachedly. They're more used to listing their points in a discussion. I think they're more used to coming up with the most convincing argument instead of the one that's most emotional for themselves. But anyway, it seems to be easier for them and they're saying loud and clear: "Blueberry has a valid point here!" which was thoroughly missing in LETS, even though some people agreed with me in private and some even hoped that I on my own could reform LETS and they could just sit back and watch it happen :stars:

I've been on here for a long time now, reading back in my old Journals. What I'm quoting here for myself feels pretty pertinent atm.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 24, 2018, 03:34:29 PM
I also feel now it's an anticlimax phase. I made my decision to stop looking for p/t employment and to accept that I do have certain limitations in the working world, and happy and healthy ever after. But  :doh: that's not how it works. Feel good for a few days at making this decision then go back to my normal struggles of even getting up, or seeing the good instead of the bad, or not giving in to depression, or just 'getting on with things'

It's other decisions I've been making recently, though there was the decision to apply somewhere too, the next stage in that process is next week. But other decisions - like protect myself, or NOT react. Hah! Maybe I haven't been praising myself enough or not enough in a way to reach ICs and ITeens? Probably.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 24, 2018, 03:34:29 PM
I've had a new monitor on my computer since Thurs. This is good, my monitor was making very strange noises but my printer is still not working properly. The computer guy sent me a link but I haven't managed to work it out. Feel a bit useless.  :fallingbricks: Though really he probably sent it to me to help, so I wouldn't have to pay for him to come again. He knows I'm not well and earnings are slim. NTS - be brave and ask him to come again.

Wow, I've had my new monitor that long! I made a mistake when I bought it, I didn't think to ask my computer guy to ensure there's a loudspeaker attached, though I emailed him about it later. He didn't respond. For personal enjoyment, loudspeaker would be good, but for business reasons it's imperative atm. I have a student for whom I need to play something off a CD-ROM, she even has an exam soon!

Time to email computer guy again. It's less effort than trying to contact some new computer person I don't even know. Probably not emailing him is helping me feel  :fallingbricks: atm because there's "so much" I'm not getting on with.

I did email him and he even responded, offering to come at a time that doesn't work well, because I'll be teaching. Haven't heard back, probably will in an hour or two or four. So I'm feeling good that I got the ball rolling on that on Sunday afternoon :thumbup: :)

Yesterday while working at the farm I suddenly thought of the possibility of more occupational therapy to help me with some of my seemingly unsurmountable problems with the gas stove, and various things like that, as well as my slow-because-inefficient working mode! I've had occupational therapy before, mostly at the therapist's place but they do do house visits, so why not a farm visit?

I know that my problems with the gas stove are due to amygdala hijack / EF, not a practical problem. Much better if an occupational therapist can practise with me than a rushed person on the farm. Because in the safe space of having an occup. T there, whatever comes up can come up and undoubtedly will and then I can work with that - talking and reassuring frightened ICs. Occup. T allows things to come up that won't even come up when I'm alone at home, not even when I know what's going to come up. A bit like the airline air pressure mask analogy - before I can hold the fears of a traumatised IC, I need a psychologically and emotionally capable adult supporting me who doesn't think it's weird that I'm talking to my ICs and who allows me to take the lead instead of maybe insisting "it's not that difficult you know" or anything useless to counterproductive like that.

Whether or not I continue at the farm, getting over some of these seemingly unsurmountable problems will I'm sure help with other tasks as well. I could also add the mobile phone problems and possibly even printer cartridge and/or some very easy computer problems at my own place.

I mentioned that to a friend yesterday as well as how doing a few hours work every day at the yoga place made me think I'd like to do more work-wise than I'm currently doing and even think I could, at least in better weeks and she reacted  :cheer: and also kind of  "Wow"  :blink: :blink: that things work that way internally for me. One semi-unrelated thing (looked that way to her) at the yoga place and then this whole healing chain of events takes place, at least in my head if nowhere else.

Yesterday at the farm I stood up for myself towards somebody who had it coming to her! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: She's not even from the farm, not any more than I am. She goes up regularly to do various cleaning jobs but she doesn't live there or anything. She spoke to me sharply yesterday. Her words questioned why I hadn't taken the buckets back to where I was going instead of just the jars and lids I was collecting for my work, but her tone of voice definitely asked why the &%§. I didn't take that lying down, no way. Firstly, it's not part of my job description to move those particular buckets anywhere, secondly if you'd simply asked me when I was in the kitchen of course I would have taken them, thirdly that tone of voice is totally NOT okay. She argued that one - "I only asked you to take them" Me: "No you didn't. You really said what I quoted to you and it's not acceptable!". She then sort of apologised by stroking my arm and saying something like "sweetheart if I'd know that would hurt your feelings, I wouldn't have said it" as if I were a 4 year old child. Cue: draw back and stony silence from me.

So even if she doesn'T understand my pov at all, I'm hoping she'll watch herself with me in future. This wasn't the first run-in with her but it's the first where I've really spoken my mind. I know she wouldn't treat most other adults on the farm this way, not asking them "why the %%§& they hadn't done xyz" nor trying to assuage them with any "sweetheart I didn't really mean it" nonsense. So :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :cheer: to me that in a working environment where no harm can come to me i.e. I'm not going to lose my 'job' over it, I'm starting to stand up for myself. And I even had the words for it. Sometimes at criticism I've gone straight into EF / amygdala hijack and had no words to even describe to myself what was going on never mind have the courage to tell someone else 'where to go' on account of it.

QuoteSo :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :cheer: to me

I second that!  :applause: :applause: :applause:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :thumbup:
I 'third it' - if that is possible.   :)
Hope  :)

Thanks 3R and Hope :grouphug:

Today somebody connected to the other farm (see under Employment, if interested) talked the hind legs of the proverbial donkey and that was totally exhausting but I didn't quite feel like being able to say that I'd really just like some peace and quiet. She was doing me a favour - driving me most of the way home because she was coming this way anyway. I think she was partially trying to be friendly and partially doing it for herself. Some people just like to talk. If i'd still been concentrating on working I would've said something, but sitting in the car I grinned and bore it so to speak. I did ask a question or two to try and head her off in a different direction but it was her style of conversation - very intense - was hard for me, rather than the actual topics. A second time with this person I think I'd beg for peace and quiet.

The usual - I'm making progress in some respects e.g. employment and doing very little self-care to counterbalance the progress. I imagine the only way round that is to pick up my feet and take the steps towards self-care. Easier said than done though, needless to say. Maybe EFT too?

When not doing things for other people (professional is mostly for others, the part purely for myself I'm not doing), I read useless stuff on the Internet or just go back to bed. Not very beneficial, constructive or mindful. Although I suppose it's a bit mindful that I'm even noticing.

One reason behind the self-sabotage: I feel so ashamed and well stupid that I don't even want to write it down. It's something most people go through at some point in their lives. Feeling ashamed of even writing it down - well, that's brought on by cptsd. Better out than in. Out would help me remove the shame from myself.

I have the possibility of a paid job at the second farm in August. Since then I've been asked by the partner of an acquaintance if I think I could help out in her shop starting in June. Now I feel in a quandary. I feel guilty for 'leading the farm up the garden path' about the job in August. I think I'm being deceptive. I'm not though. Perfectly normal and perfectly legit to be looking at the possibility of 2 different jobs. I haven't even tried out the second job possibility yet! It could be I'll notice it's too difficult or that as of June it's too much work round teaching etc. Nor have the farm people committed to anything yet. They just said they were happy with the way I was while learning on the job.

At this decision-making time and just in general for the sake of myself, it would be good if I were treating myself as well as possible instead of 'giving up and going back to bed'. After getting this stuff down on paper, I could just leave as is for a while or I could delve deeper and do some Screen Processing. Yikes. No thanks. Doesn't ahve to be today.

Blueberry, just wanted to send you a hug. Be kind to yourself as you process the decisions before you.

Thank you notalone :hug: I'm not so good at being kind to myself atm, but the suggestion from somebody else could help a bit.

i'm so exhausted! Just done 1 1/4 hours of proofreading of a student's translation of her own letter of motivation etc. It was actually very well done by her, but there were still the odd bits. My brain is now out for the count, if that's the phrase I'm looking for. The student was here in my office so I couldn't divide the work up into half hours or anything.

It just shows me how important it is for me to do non-intellectual work as well.

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you are having some chance to relax a bit, after all the work you've been doing - I know you said you felt exhausted, so sending you a hug  :hug: - hope you get chance to do some non-intellectual work as well.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope! :hug: I had a long nap :zzz:

Non-intellectual work includes my farm work - it's not that you don't have to think a bit because you do, but it's not this high concentration on words and their exact meaning which was so prevalent in FOO when I was growing up and for which I was often ridiculed and belittled as somehow not being quite correct. There was always some aspect of either the wording or my intellectual capacity which could have been improved upon. I noted today how prevalent that was in my thoughts.

As mentioned on somebody else's thread, it gets worse with time. Some things get better, yes, but some things get worse. I'd say my exhaustion at this intellectual work is getting worse. It's useful to note.

I could do some non-intellectual work e.g. wash the dishes but atm I'm simply not. There is also a backlog of admin work in my business. I told a client I'd send her a bill today. Have I written it? No. Feel too exhausted. Always kind of a bad sign when I start neglecting that side of the business. Oh well, I've been through these episodes before and survived.

A good thing: in April sometime I'm getting some more Little Furries to look after for somebody who has to go into hospital and then rehab. I could have the Little Furries for any time between 4 and 10 weeks :)

Over on the Depression board, there's an old thread called "not motivated". The first post reminds me of myself atm. I got out of bed only because I decided to phone my GP and say I couldn't make it. I knew that the appointment would actually do me good but I couldn't face even getting dressed never mind leaving the house.

I'm now half-dressed (jeans on, nightgown tucked into them, long winter coat on top of all that) but I wouldn't really feel emotionally safe going all the way over to my doc's like this. Brief errand in town: possible. Leave my apartment and go to another area of the house, check my letter boxes even - yes, done already.

The other thing that helped me get up was giving myself permission to write to a client and apologise for not having written up her contract yet and that it's due to a short phase of severe depression in which I can teach but little else. So that takes the pressure off.

I did read a bit about EFs last night but I didn't really want to delve into exactly what's going on rn.

Thanks to Pete and his book "From Surviving to Thriving", I realised I was in an EF, so after reading for a bit in there, I got back on my feet, went for a little walk in the sun and posted some letters, took my meds, made myself some tea and drank it, taught one student and listened to and sang with a CD while I washed the dishes. Though not in that order.

Also made a couple of very short-term decisions based on what I feel now, though I have yet to notify the people concerned, a bit of a hurdle there.

I realise how much my ICr. still goes on the rampage. A combination of being somewhat triggered with my intellectual work on Monday and my feeling that it wasn't perfect, though the client was happy and of managing well in the farm shop last week and all that that entails, e.g. memories of that not being allowed by FOO. People weren't meant to tell me I did something well.  :blowup: for that! Pete writes it's really important to mobilise anger against those who made our childhoods a misery as well as people who continue the abuse these days. Quite a lot going on in my head atm but when I try to put it into words or write it down, it disappears.

QuoteQuite a lot going on in my head atm but when I try to put it into words or write it down, it disappears.

This! This is what is plaguing me. I'm starting to wonder if it's one of my ICs who are maybe not verbal yet, i.e. trauma that occurred at a pre-verbal age.

It could be a pre-verbal thing. I think atm in my case though it's due to realisation pile-up. So before I overload my emotions or my mind, something goes on strike before I can get any of it down on paper or on here. Maybe a pre-verbal part of me needs protection?

How annoying I get the same thing going to therapy, suddenly forget the things that I want to say, my t said it may be pre verbal as well
:hug:

That's interesting - both of your insights (or T's insights) into preverbal stuff. I'd never really thought about it like that. At least, i don't think so.

best to you, blueberry, on figuring this out.  pre-verbal stuff is fascinating to me, even tho it presents problems toward getting at it.  love and hugs.

Thanks san  :hug:

______________________________________

Yesterday I was reading a book on zero waste, which wasn't all about plastic bags etc. No, also about wasting time versus using it for the people and activities which really matter to you. So it hit me afterwards once again - why on earth would I spend my time and energy in a FOO like mine when I feel so bad with them and afterwards??

Today I was doing some tidying and cleaning and then suddenly felt exhausted. Idk exactly what's going on. There are some things I feel I should be doing e.g. finally write a teaching contract for a particular student and also write an invoice for another client for her tax reasons. That's the one where I got so exhausted I told her I couldn't write her invoice on the spot. Ah yes, but should is never good for me. No wonder it's not working.

It's Carnival, a huge celebration in my town from tonight till Tuesday night. Like at Christmas and other major celebrations it's good to have things planned in advance. I have noticed that if I go away to a part of the country (or even just to the farm) where it's not celebrated I feel as if I'm missing something, so I do stay in my town. Monday and Tuesday evening I'm helping indoors at an event, serving drinks and cake. Groups in costumes and masks come through playing music. Once I'm actually there I will enjoy it. When I'm helping somewhere, I feel part of the group, part of the celebration. That's important to me. Feeling left out was a huge painful part of my childhood. Also you can spend lots of money at this time of year but when I'm helping out somewhere, then I don't because food, drink and the entertainment is free for helpers.

I'm still thinking about the trial work I did on the other farm and the things that has set in motion so it's not surprising I'm feeling a little tired again.

'zero waste' is an interesting concept.  when you first wrote about wasting time, i kind of felt my hackles raising a bit.  too many messages about making every minute count, always doing something constructive, 'there's time enough to sleep when i'm dead' kind of thing.

i saw my youngest d go thru something similar after i looked at life and 'doing' a bit differently.  she used to run herself into the ground, then get sick from overdoing things, and would come to a complete standstill.  it was ok to rest when you were sick, but otherwise it was wasting time.  i'd tell her that she needed to rest in order to recharge her system, to rest in order to heal all those cells that were getting worn out from work, but it took her a long time to see that healing is a 'something' we're doing, just that it's for ourselves.

i think it's important for us in recovery, growing and battling our way back to health and well-being, to take time out for ourselves, to rest regularly, to have quiet time and down time that is just for us.  i ran myself into this deep hole i may never get out of because too often when i'd take time for myself i was immediately labeled 'lazy'.

just saying, that the phrase 'wasting time' is a trigger for me.  i know there are others here who have a hard time taking and making time just for themselves to stop and be with themselves, take a nap, read a book for fun, watch a little tv that's basically junk food for the brain without feeling guilty or bad about themselves.  as far as spending time with people who aren't enriching and enhancing your life and self, well, i guess you answered that.  great realization.

enjoy carnival - i'm really glad you have a way to be part of it, but on your own terms.  that's very cool.   :hug:

oh yeah, san, 'wasting time' is likely to be a trigger for lots of people and depending how it's written or who says it for me too! i guess that's the good thing about this book - it makes much of the concept of what's important for you in your time. Those of us on here spending time healing and all that entails (including in my case spending time doing seemingly 'nothing') isn't a waste of time at all. We know that we need it.

The author even mentions that adults who don't take enough breaks and downtime tend to get sick so like you tell your daughter, it's not a waste at all to rest.

Quote from: Blueberry on March 03, 2019, 02:06:52 PM
Yesterday I was reading a book on zero waste, which wasn't all about plastic bags etc. No, also about wasting time versus using it for the people and activities which really matter to you. So it hit me afterwards once again - why on earth would I spend my time and energy in a FOO like mine when I feel so bad with them and afterwards??

Getting back to this zero waste stuff: it's part of an environmental movement. But the way I'm reading it atm it's about beneficial use of resources - be they time or natural resources or other stuff. This particular book focusses on 'beneficial for self' as well. Holier than thou attitudes don't help anybody.

BEing mindful is a help on the way to zero waste and that's something we all practise. Yay for us!

thanks for the explanation, blueberry. 

i agree with the premise, and about mindfulness.  i think i've gotten away from that for a little while.  this is a great reminder.  love and hugs.

Beneficial use of resources also means finding those little nuggets of gold inside of the smelly and unappealing aspects of our lives, right?  Resources are limited but creativity doesn't have to be, I think.  That's what I want to keep in mind today, anyhow....

Quote from: Blueberry on March 03, 2019, 03:01:02 PM
Those of us on here spending time healing and all that entails (including in my case spending time doing seemingly 'nothing') isn't a waste of time at all. We know that we need it.

The author even mentions that adults who don't take enough breaks and downtime tend to get sick so like you tell your daughter, it's not a waste at all to rest.

This is such great advice - sounds really sensible and true.

:hug: to you Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Well, I'm back from my short yoga holiday, which included helping in the kitchen 3 hours a day (quite a bit cheaper than the normal and good for my problems in the working world). There I was day of arrival in the kitchen and some other worker was showing me how to work the dishwasher and Narc Woman from the January yoga place came round the corner gushing "Oh, hi Blueberry! :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah:" I greeted her with "Don't you dare treat me the way you did in January here!"

Needless to say we were in the same bedroom too. She repeated her welcome there and I got more specific "I'm going to put up with you but we're not friends." I know both times I was showing aggression and anger, but I had to to protect myself. 

In the kitchen I spoke to a couple of the bosses and said there was no way I could work with her in the kitchen. They were really pretty accommodating. Narc Woman (N.W.) and I were both working 3 hours only so they put her on mornings and me afternoons. I never really quite trusted it to continue that way. I knew from January that N.W. is pretty good at getting her own way. The problem in January was that she wouldn't leave me alone. This time around I did allow her quite a lot of headspace. Sometimes I'd remind myself not to give her any. It wasn't easy. I wrote quite a lot about my progress with and around N.W. in my paper Journal.

One thing I didn't manage to write was a reaction today in my final hatha yoga session (hatha yoga = physical exercises, as opposed to meditation or philosophy of yoga etc etc). I tried to write it in the train on the way home, but blocked. So for whatever reason there was a space beside me in the yoga room and nowhere else. N.W. turned up late and so she took that spot :aaauuugh: But OK. I didn't want to leave yoga just because of her, so I stayed and had a good session.

In Savasana (the relaxation pose at the end) I didn't manage to go into any relaxed state (though I usually can) and then violent images went through my mind. I haven't had these images for a while. Things happen to me that never actually took place irl; I know this because I wouldn't have survived them. No one would. I tried moving my feet and hands to see if that would help. It didn't. So I rolled onto my side and then sat up and opened my eyes. N.W. was lying on her side half way off her mat, pretty close to me :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: At the time I had a pretty strong feeling that her presence was triggering these violent images. I'm not going to feel back into it now.

N.W. is no good with other people's boundaries. She just rides over them and probably I sensed that when she was so close to me. There had been other occasions during the yoga session where everybody was briefly in Savasana including me and I was quite relaxed, no violent images.

Anyway that's enough for this evening. I want to unpack and need to prepare for 3 students tomorrow.

Welcome back Blueberry.  I admire your ability to deal with this situation and how you handled things.   :cheer:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope :) :hug:

This morning I'm even managing to feel a tiny bit grateful to N.W. in a wry way. Because contact with her is showing me more and more aspects of my deranged and damaging FOO.

 :hug:

Ow that women must have been a shock to run into again, I think you dealt with the situation admiringly.
:applause:

Thank you. Yes, it was a shock.

I did do well but now (as usual) I'm getting EF-y. Just want to go to bed and hide. Though actually that could be due to other things too.  e.g. the usual hopeful request from enF for a bit of contact and info from me, other than the purely financial info that we exchange. This morning I was thinking I would so like to be able to write a brief synopsis of what's up: "I'm making slow but steady progress. I'm actually happy, it's just that I'm often exhausted. I've just been on a yoga holiday. ...", knowing I can't write any of it. All or any of it could be used as ammunition against me, in their heads or on paper. Or just in my head wondering if they're insinuating against me. That probably sounds paranoid but I do know the things they tend to think and say.

Talking about ammunition, that is what N.W. at the yoga place is good at gathering. She did from me in January. She didn't from me last week but she was busily gathering from other people. N.W. buttered people up to gain information which she could then use against them if she wanted. I realised yesterday this "buttering people up" is "grooming" by another name.

I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I allowed it to happen to me in January. These feelings have prevented me even writing about it up till now. I know the feelings are connected in part to M haranguing me in my childhood about how "gullible" I was, believing everything anybody told me especially anything M didn't want me exposed to like the view from paternal GrM that B1 was favoured over me and that I was actually an OK person. These feelings of shame and embarrassment are also connected to being constantly told by M and B1 how stupid I was and not told anything to the contrary by enF. So I feel stupid for allowing my self to be groomed though N.W. was very adept at grooming. She managed to wrap the majority of people in both yoga places round her little finger. Once there, she could manipulate them. Woe betide anybody like me who realised what was going on and unwrapped themselves.

So the ammunition I gave her - she was fishing around for what problems I have and kept talking about burnout. Well, my burnout aka complete collapse is years ago now and it's too simple a word for a much more complex problem. So I said that if I'm pushed too far, I actually go kind of crazy and start screaming hysterically :doh: :doh: :doh: :doh: I'm pretty sure she was trying to push me into that with her behaviour in the first yoga place. She didn't manage :cheer: She got my middle finger and then she got a very rude remark when she came up all two-faced to say goodbye and wish me luck when I was leaving. Neutral words plain failed me. Yeah so she didn't manage to push me back to my old behaviour when stuck in a really bad EF and having no clue what to do, having no tools to use to express the pain I wasn't even feeling. In both yoga places she got push-back from me. She didn't manage to push me over the edge.  :cheer: for me. But she did manage to make my stay very difficult, very uncomfortable and even push me into fear and anxiety.

NTS: Don't give anybody this kind of ammunition. I can write about it on here and my T could know it too. Some Ts in the past knew it. In fact hearing that that was the reaction I feared in myself because I had occasionally felt myself go crazy inside and start screaming hysterically was what indicated to two Ts that I desperately needed trauma-informed therapy. So obviously it was good to tell them. But just any old people? No. Or worse, any old people who are pretending to be knowledgeable about mental health? No way.

I don't need to justify my existence. I don't need to justify things like my inability to work quickly or to work a full-day. I don't need to try and explain it with dire examples so that people understand. They most likely can't understand. They just need to accept. Or maybe not even that. In the case of N.W. in the first yoga place, it wasn't her business! Yes, she was working alongside me some of the time, but nobody said to her that she had to do more work to make up for me doing less. She ran around doing far more work than she had to, she kept trying to find more and more work. That was her issue. But the trap I fell into was her being all friendly and understanding :aaauuugh:

Some other very burnt out looking woman in the second yoga place had confided so much to N.W. that she mentioned her 'black soul' and I was sitting there thinking "Don't give that kind of ammunition to N.W.!!" Btw I don't think she meant black as in evil, I imagine she meant black as in damaged, depressed.

No wonder I'm feeling a bit Ef-y with these sorts of realisations going on. I have a T appointment tomorrow. I can then also address the fact that I feel somewhat jealous of N.W. the way I do of SIL2 as well. Another thing to feel embarrassed about, but I'm not going to write any more about it rn. Need to do some more professional work.

I think you've been very brave to stand up against her verbally.
Be kind to yourself. :hug:

I'm feeling low. Unmotivated. Rather go back to bed and hide and that is what I've done most of the day.

Yesterday my T suggested what I need to do is explore my physical and maybe even emotional feelings when I achieve things. There were lots of achievements in the yoga centre! I spent some of my time in T appointment feeling.

But here on my own at home, I don't like feeling!! I don't want to feel!  :blowup:  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

I don't suppose I've really got that out of my system. Probably I need to go and dance wildly to music, or maybe do EFT or even Screen Processing.

This Brexit stuff is getting on my nerves. I'm somewhat affected by it. Partly I feel the Brits who actually live in the UK need to go this path they're on and maybe, hopefully, they'll sort out what they want. otoh for all those affected by it with their lives on hold, well, not so nice. My life isn't actually 'on hold' but I did get a form today to fill out to explain why I should get to remain in the country I presently live in. Although a lawyer told me a good while ago there's no way I could get 'thrown out' after this length of time in the country, still I find filling in forms very stressful. And now getting this form in black and white - makes it more real. I have till the end of June but earlier would be better of course.

What I did achieve today: 1) I asked a colleague if she could take on part of a contract for me and she has tentatively agreed   2) I tried out a 2nd hand bicycle and have decided to take it. It's in good condition but also super-cheap.   3) I finally sent a bank transfer I should have sent a week ago    4) Supported a friend who was spitting with rage over someone's treatment of her   5) Oh, yeah, I got out of bed eventually too, before all the rest of the stuff

I'm not finding communication of any kind easy today so it's really good that I managed 1), 2) and 4). There is more communication to do - chiefly emails to write. Maybe tomorrow. There are also posts on here I could reply to but somehow I'm feeling too "turned inwards". At least I'm feeling that now. That's part of my therapy homework.

"I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I allowed it to happen to me in January. "

It seems to me that you were dealing with someone who was VERY SKILLED in manipulation. At some point you did see what she was doing and you stood up to her. To the degree that you were "tricked" by her, you did nothing wrong.

"I don't need to justify my existence. I don't need to justify things like my inability to work quickly or to work a full-day. I don't need to try and explain it with dire examples so that people understand. They most likely can't understand. They just need to accept. Or maybe not even that. In the case of N.W. in the first yoga place, it wasn't her business! Yes, she was working alongside me some of the time, but nobody said to her that she had to do more work to make up for me doing less. She ran around doing far more work than she had to, she kept trying to find more and more work. That was her issue. "
Absolutely!!!!

Thank you so much for your validation, notalone, and for pointing out that N.W. was VERY SKILLED in manipulation. I did see through her far before anybody else did in the first yoga place and I was the only one to really stand up to her. Some people did sort of see through her but they didn't see the extent of the problems she was causing.

Sort of like FOO during/after Horrendous Event no. 2*, they didn't realise or even take into consideration that they would lose my custom and my work because of their treatment of me. These yoga centres need people to come and do volunteer work for board and lodging or half board and lodging. They're often short of people. But there's no way I'd go to the first place ever again. So yeah, they threw that opportunity away. Even though I'm a slow worker, if I were to have gone again, I wouldn't have needed to be shown and taught certain things again. That would have been advantageous to them.

*FOO during/after Horrendous Event no. 2 didn't realise or even take into consideration that they would lose ME due to their callous behaviour and their support of SIL2 over me.

Thank you too, Anjulie, for your validation and reminding me to be kind to myself.

It is technically the next day and I have managed a bunch of email missives. 8-10 or so. In order to do so, I played Patience over and over again. Seems like kind of a waste of time. otoh if it gets me into a state where I can communicate again, that's obviously a good thing. So not such a waste.

I'm not being very accountable to myself atm. I have lots of things to be getting on with and I'm not doing them. My bad. Some are urgent too.

I hear you  :hug:

 :hug: I'm in the same boat at the moment. Can't find the energy to get out of bed. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

I'm sorry you're experiencing the same rn 3R :hug:

Thank you for listening and being there Anjulie  :hug:

I'm meant to be getting on with a translation for an acquaintance. So that'll certainly be part of the problem - agreeing to do a translation in the first place.

Also yesterday I did some volunteer work and felt depressed afterward, idk why exactly. Though probably partly to do with the number of people there. So that's not helping.

FOO's been in my dreams recently. Not as nightmares exactly. FOO's also in my thoughts, even grandparents  - all long since deceased. I miss having a FOO which is more than a family in name only. I never could have gone VLC when my grandparents were still alive. The weight of FOO wouldn't have allowed it. It would have been too much to rebel against. Too many 'powers that be' supporting my parents and telling me I caused problems too and was to blame as well. 

I've also been having dreams again for a number of days of people coming by and digging up and destroying my garden. So I seem to have relapsed in various ways :fallingbricks: Just goes to show me that I need to keep plugging away at healing and or simply at staying where I am, otherwise I do drift back.

I'm even missing a friend, B., who I've written quite a bit about here, who was leaning way too much on me, expecting way too much and didn't grasp any of that after I told her. In situations like my present one, I would've phoned her. Years ago I would've even phoned somebody in FOO. No wonder I'm thinking of all of them atm. Yeah, well, I know it takes a while to acquire new friends again irl that you can really rely on as well as figure out how to rely on yourself and not think you need friends so much. Mostly I've been doing pretty well since reducing contact to various friends with cptsd or other similar issues or without, but with habits like too much talking which drive up my anxiety. So this is a slump phase. Most likely in part exacerbated by having agreed to do that translation, as well as having had contact to Narc Woman as well as not doing my therapy homework. On top of that I had some contact with FOO for 2 different reasons. Then some political upheaval which is getting to me a little.

I feel as if I'm on here permanently atm writing about some thing or other and I feel as if I'm not moving forwards.

I'm  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: Just had an argument with a neighbour about locking the main door of the building at night. He sees no point since there's no war going on here. He is from a war-torn country. How about I as your neighbour feel safer when not just anybody can wander off the streets into the building at night? Well, that's my problem. Nobody else in this country locks the outer door at night. That's hogwash actually. Almost everybody here locks an outer door, in fact most doors lock automatically as soon as you shut them.

So it's left to me to inform the new landlords, which I've just done. I suggested to my neighbour that he does it but he said I'm the one with the problem so I've got to do it. I know though that landlords like things to run smoothly and not have tenants coming with problems every five minutes. It always seems that it's me coming with problems, if not to the landlord then to other neighbours like when I was trying to figure out who was causing the mice. It turned out they were running rampant in the apartment of the neighbour who moved out but for a long time he refused to do anything about them and refused to see that they might actually be his problem.

So I'm always coming with problems. But I don't think it's unreasonable to want to reduce the number of mice running around or to have a door locked at night.  :pissed: :pissed:  Even if some people want to insinuate that it is. Actually they're haven't been mice for a while. Once the problem was dealt with at the source, they were gone.

You definitely have a right to have no mice (hate them) and to have the door locked so that you feel safe. Not sure how many people are in your building, but I bet others are grateful that someone is bold enough to address these issues. It is the landlord's job to deal with these issues. Real issues. Good for you.

Thanks for validating, notalone. There aren't many people at all in my building. Actually there's always somebody who's not happy about some such issue being addressed. Other times they're maybe OK with it but not grateful or anything, like when we had a slow drip-drip leak in part of the basement, it was me who got onto the landlords about it. Everybody else just ignored it.

It's always been really hard to get together with anybody in the building to solve some problem or other.  They either say that if I have a problem with it, I should deal with it (e.g. mice), pretend it's never been a problem before (though I know that's not true) or everybody finds a different solution and works against each other :blink:  No wonder I get a little bit triggered.

However on the plus side atm somebody regularly makes sure that the communal compost and paper bins get put out the evening before pick-up. :cheer: It would be good to thank the person I think is doing that. It's a relief when that's not all hanging on me.

_________________________________________

This evening I was at a street theatre production with a friend. There were historical scenes, singing, impressive juggling, lots of puns and jokes. It was really good. I'm feeling better grounded than I have been for a few days. I should try and remember that.   I realise now too that I've been in a kind of EF-y state for a good number of days. At the latest I notice when I start moving out of it. I think the EF was partly brought on by the simple act of doing a translation.  :thumbdown: to that, to getting an EF doing my work.

Hi Blueberry - the street theatre production sounds good - glad you enjoyed it with your friend.  Glad to hear you're out of the EF-y state, and feeling more grounded to enjoy the street theatre.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope :)

Actually my enjoyment of the street theatre production helped move me further out of my EF. If I hadn't been on the way out already, it wouldn't have helped though. It would have been too much. Always a fine line.

_________________________________

Thanks to woodsgnome for this "You should never ask a victim a question that starts with the words, 'Why didn't you?'" [escape; fight back; resist, etc.] she said. "Because they hear, 'You should have.' And honestly, the victim survived. They already won. They did whatever it took. And to the outsider it may not always be clear, they may not understand, but I can tell you that whatever they did, they survived."

So that's why those questions from therapists (it always used to be Ts) trigger me so badly. Sometimes they asked "Why did you...?" instead, but it was the same thing. Brings up M and F's "How could you be so stupid...?" refrain. My current T doesn't ask anything like that.

Progress in mindfulness: A client brought me a box of chocolates as a thank-you present. I did open the box up and eat most of them. The progress is that I ate them mindfully. I really savoured each one and only put the next one in after thoroughly chewing, swallowing and clearing my mouth of all taste :cheer:. So I didn't just throw them down the hatch.

 :cheer:

 :cheer: Understand. Glad you could savor the chocolates.

Thanks notalone  :)

__________________________________________

I'm posting on here less often, at least for myself. That's good. Today I felt the need though.

First some good stuff: I finally washed my hair after not getting round to that for days on end. I feel much better now, also for the long overdue cleansing shower I had along with it  :cheer:
I also 'delivered' some things here and there, which is good since they're now no longer cluttering up my apartment  :)

Another minor realisation:
As people who follow some of my threads know, I tend to have problems with neighbours especially about things like 'my' space and communal space. I even end up having nightmares about the landlord or neighbours paving over the garden or removing my part and replacing with their own constructions, or else being evicted and having nowhere to move myself or my business to.

There is one neighbour who generally tends to encroach on my or other people's areas. She seems to view any communal space as an area to be filled with her stuff. There are actually communal areas in the garden, just bits of lawn anybody can sit out on in the sun or put their laundry rack on. Her kind of creeping encroachment seems to be triggering me. This was a vague realisation a while ago and now stronger today. Today I finally got round to  vacuuming up millions of small plastic grains which ended up at the base of the exterior house wall next to my little nettle bed and my compost. In order to get my vacuum cleaner round there, i had to move trays of bedding plants laid out by my neighbour on what is basically communal garden although my compost is there too from a time when the garden rules were different from now and you could only put permanent stuff around the periphery. I would only move my compost if a different neighbour were to say s/he wants to take over that bit of garden.

My own reaction interested me. Partially I definitely felt nervous. "Yikes, moving somebody else's stuff". Also both B1 and M are in my head. B1 partially because he was often critical of my (and M's) views on property and 'my' space, which were different to his, and partially because he wasn't accepting of my boundaries, e.g. fiddling with stuff of mine and yelling at me if I asked him to stop before he broke it. Even if he didn't think he was going to break it, my stuff was my stuff. If he didn't want me touching his stuff, he certainly let me know! He could enforce it too and did with his fists.

M is in my head as an ICr. to tell me to stop making a 'fuss about nothing' though this is actually the sort of thing she'd make a fuss about too. (Do as I say, not as I do.) If I feel back into my situation as a child and teenager, I feel encroached on from all sides. Other people in FOO just took up too much room - physically, emotionally, verbally. I could probably do with doing a round of EFT on this as well as possibly Screen Processing. Writing all this out helped me realise more than EFT might be beneficial.

 :cheer: I finally finished writing out why I think my disability needs to be extended for another few years, possibly for ever. I've been working on it on and off for a number of days and putting it off for weeks beforehand. I'm glad I've finally finished but writing it all out does stir things up a bit.

 :cheer: Blueberry - that is great that you finished writing it.  I know you mentioned that it's stirred things up a bit, so I hope that you are ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :)  There's a nother document of that type that I ought to be writing. Sometime (soon).

I was away for a few days, partially doing some volunteer work for an association that I'm a member of and then on the way home I visited my godson overnight and was out and about with him this morning. Yesterday i played table soccer with him. I'd never played it before. It was quite difficult for me coordinating my two hands. I did get better at it though and even quite enjoyed it. My godson is really quite advanced for his age - he changed the rules to make it easier for me and agreed that I just needed practice and that I was getting better. This is so different from what I grew up with, and partially different from what runs in my head lots of the time. Way back in my subconscious I could feel how the treatment I got growing up put me off even trying activities like table soccer, but it wasn't front and centre. That's progress - being in the moment with just a little reminder of the past.

I feel as if there's a lot of stuff I ought to be doing but I'm not getting on with any. Yeah well, NTS "ought" doesn't work too well.

Depression is taking hold, I think. What I learned inpatient years ago was "Take your life... in your hands and live!" As in, it's up to me every day, or every hour if need be, to decide again and again for life and to live. Not because of SI because that's not the problem. The problem is depression (or is it maybe emotional numbness?). The result is the same - I go back to bed and I'm not caring for myself properly.

Even the knowledge that 4 Little Furries are coming to stay on Friday till the following Saturday doesn't really excite me. I remember when I was working with ICs a lot in therapy, then I felt my emotions more and I wanted more from life. Maybe I can do an IC long weekend in May but there remains the thing afterwards: it's up to me to keep going after the workshop.

Nobody can make me do that. I think doing that is taking responsibility for myself and 'being an adult'. I don't feel very good at that. But who if not me?

I've tidied a little and cleaned even less. Nobody would notice who came to my place, but I notice. I also went outside and ran a couple of errands. One of the errands put me in contact with a leaflet, so that was beneficial!

This leaflet has details of some municipal operation needing people for a few hours of work irregularly but paid. Need to get the courage to apply. It would be physical work but probably not too, too hard and it would be over when it was over, nothing to take home and ruminate on. Inquiring won't hurt anyway.

My status is changing in the country I live in due to political events elsewhere. For most people of my nationality that I know, it's not a big problem. For me, it's not a huuuuge problem, but it is a bit unsettling. I've been told by a lawyer no less that of course I'll get to stay here in spite of my diagnosis combined with not earning enough money, but I note having to write about why I should get to stay here - that's unsettling. It's reminding me of being viewed as a burden growing up. I've probably written this already in this Journal of mine and have not moved on from that yet.

It's probably my ICr who's telling me that the reasons I could give are all worthless. B1 is cropping up in my head.

Going through a very depressive phase. Get up for clients, go back to bed. I know these phases come and go but they always feel so interminable when I'm in them.

When I'm fighting for or against something, that energises me. Atm I can't be bothered to fight for myself and my future and ahem I don't have FOO to fight against anymore. I don't have a FOO either, it's just an empty spot. Getting back to fighting against FOO - I feel a bit like M who energised herself getting angry or a bit like F who was chronically depressive and had a lot of trouble getting up in the morning, just like me.

I could ask for another appointment with T though this isn't cptsd, it's just depression. Maybe I will ask though anyway. I feel as if I can't live without leaning on someone or getting energy from someone. I don't have the farm to go to atm. It's a good place for me. I suppose that's why I'm floundering a bit. 

Hi Blueberry,
I know you're going through a very depressive phase, and I just wanted to send you a safe hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I know you're considering asking for another appointment with your T - and whatever you decide, I hope that you are ok.  I can imagine that you miss the farm, it sounded like a positive place.  I know your fur babies are arriving soon, so I hope they will be some comfort to you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope for your good wishes and  :hug: :hug:

I asked for and got a further appointment from my T. The fur babies are arriving tomorrow so at least that means I'll get out of bed and go outside and pick them some greens.

Hm. Idk how much I'm going to manage to write.

Something 'came up' today as in up to the surface. An image, part of a memory. I've had it before. I imagine it might be part of CSA but I'm not certain. I'd totally forgotten that days and/or weeks of depression and not getting out of bed or just going back to bed and not wanting to do anything constructive can all precede a memory resurfacing.

The good thing is that I'd forgotten about this preceding stuff, because that means I think that I haven't had a memory resurfacing for what seems like quite some time. I also don't feel floored by the memory. It was more of a relief that it came to the surface, as in "now that's come up, I can get back to real life". Maybe I'm more or less healed, the way Elphanigh is too? Elpha, if you happen to read this, don't take it on board. It's my issue, not yours. I was really genuinely happy for you when I read your news, but my ICr had a field day along the lines of "BB, if you only did more healing work on your own, you'd be through this too. You're so lazy just the way FOO used to say." And then I remembered some Ts and counsellors in the past saying that I expected other people to do my healing work for me, i.e. them. My present T has never said this, nor have the Ts whose group therapy long weekends I sometimes go to. Even if my present T thinks it might be part of my problem, he wouldn't say so, unless I brought it up. And then he'd only discuss it with me in a way that's likely to be beneficial. I think I may bring it up next week, unless writing it here does me enough good.

Part of the problem may be: What am I without my cptsd?
I've heard that question posed by survivors who were getting along in their healing and now I'm wondering it myself. Even just in my head, cptsd can or could function as an excuse for not getting on with things. Maybe I've got so used to pulling back when there's a little bit of anxiety in me that I'm not daring enough to move forward (enough)? I mean I do move forward and try out new things, and try again, but there are an awful lot of days in between when I don't. But maybe I could? I know the only answer there is to try out doing more and not theoretise about it.

NTS I also remembered today because I read it in one of my notebooks from 10+ years ago that going for a little wander outside in nature and watching the birds or some ducks on a pond or something simple like that can help me want to start living again.  (Hiding in bed isn't really living).
:applause: Reading in my old notebooks was a constructive, beneficial activity!

Huge, big, warm, tender, healing hugs to you, sweet blueberry. ❤ :bighug:

Thank you 3Roses  :hug: :bighug:

I already feel better. I think writing all that out helped. Because right away I got on with a translation job I have. Then later this evening I went to a meeting of a lobby group whose lobby work is important to me. I came out energised :)  I do realise the work I do there doesn't pay the rent or anything but it's still something to live for, for me. I mean live as opposed to giving up and going back to bed.

Back to FOO nightmares. Not to mention sleeping during the day and being awake at night. This is my 5000 th post. And I still need OOTS as a place to post. Cringe. But it  is the way it is.

Hi Blueberry,
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your posts within the community - and send you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :grouphug:

___________________________

It's late. But after a day of not getting on with much, I finally continued work on a present I'm making for somebody. I discovered while working on it why it's so difficult for me. To sum up: ICr. Plus a few other things I can't yet verbalise  ???

Then I decided to continue with a translation contract I'm working on. Strangely enough, I seem to be getting better at it again. I can concentrate for longer. I don't feel quite so much dread before getting going with it. I'm better at figuring out which bits it would make sense to do now and which bits would genuinely be better off being done tomorrow or even Monday. But at least I started today. I haven't put the whole thing off till Sunday evening.  :cheer:

I did not accomplish much today either. Had to go to work for a few hours and cleaned one small area. I find I need quite a bit of time to just "be" or focus on cptsd when I am not having to function in the world. Glad you were able to get a start on your translation contract.

Bravo for figuring out why you were struggling with making the gift. I'm sorry it is difficult.  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Glad you're able to concentrate for longer - and glad you were able to start that translation contract.   :cheer:
:hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, and thank you notalone for your validation. Yes, me too, I need time for 'digesting' what's going on with cptsd and then time for doing what feels like nothing.

__________________________

My translation contract has been expanding and is due in 4 hours, yikes. I'm pretty tired, but I was working on it far into the night. The night is often a good time for me to work. I feel safe and the building is totally quiet which it isn't always in the daytime or even in the evening. Fortunately the road works aren't going on outside the building the way they were on Friday.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 15, 2019, 09:46:57 AM
Yes, me too, I need time for 'digesting' what's going on with cptsd and then time for doing what feels like nothing.

That is a good point. It feels like doing nothing, but really we are "working" internally.

Hope you got your translation done on time.

Fortunately, the client agreed to collect it tomorrow instead :)  Having suggested to somebody else on here that she take the day off work today, I figured I'd do something similar for myself. Reduce stress! My client wasn't totally surprised because she had been mailing me additional documents over the weekend.

_________
Today and yesterday due to somebody else's posts on here, I suddenly have this rather strange realisation: What we all live through during EFs, trauma memories resurfacing etc - it's real and visceral! And it's now! It's not something in the past. Strangely enough, this realisation is making me feel strong and empowered rn.

________________________
Made some more progress today: That old garden topic. It's quite possible that one of my neighbours along with her mother and other relatives who come by to tend her garden think I'm some form of PD ;) The relatives don't even live in this town but come by fairly often and work in the garden on their own. They undoubtedly dread seeing me, the controlling neighbour, turning up  :spooked: Today I was worried about how much tree they were going to cut down - it's not their tree and it's not in their part of the garden. It's not mine either, it's been there for ever. If I knew they were just going to lop a branch off, that would be one thing. But I can't trust them to be like that. So I went to ask. They said "just one branch". I thanked them and left. But during the course of the day, I noticed how big the branch was that they sawed off and that they'd cut other bushes back, like a hazlenut bush which doesn't even affect their part of the garden. My progress is: I'm much calmer internally, I don't feel threatened or annoyed/upset and I'm basically able to let it go.

Teh client just dropped by to collect her finished documents - a whole stack of them. I am so relieved that she took the fact that I'm still working on the final 3 in her stride! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

She's gone off to process the initial stack the way she needs to do so and will return. I would've understand if she'd been  :pissed: but she's not.  :)

I'm working on the final 2 this evening. The client accepted that as well! :) She said that she has realised over the past couple of days how much work is really involved. In a new, additional sense I noticed it too. Part of the work looks pretty basic - printing documents, stapling together, adding my professional stamp.

Something the client said made me realise that it's not easy. I'm juggling about 12 different documents: each of which has my version, an original version and sometimes a photocopy of the original version. It's high-concentration and somewhat stressful making sure I keep them all separate. Got to make sure I don't staple the original to my version if it's an original for life like most Vital Stats documents where you could never get another one. There are 'originals' that can be re-issued and there are ones where this is next to impossible. High stress for me.) Obviously not the stress a brain surgeon goes through, but good for me to notice: it is stressful and it's important for my clients that I get it right!

Beneficial for me to notice because the fact that I noticed showed me I was being mindful at the time inspite of everything.

I'm noticing quite a bit of progress in my work while I do this job. :cheer: :cheer: That's heartening. It shows me something's moving forwards again, some part of the traumatised brain is sorting itself out again. This isn't something I can work on directly. It just comes when the healing moves forward, which happens when something is ready internally.

NTS: Weeks when I'm feeling very down, triggered, EF-y or what-have-you often precede a phase where I move forwards in some form or other.

Another good thing: I spent about an hour moving to music just before posting here. I feel calmer again, better able to concentrate on the remaining 2 documents. I haven't moved around to music like that for quite a number of weeks. Not all tools work all the time, I felt the urge to use this particular tool when it was particularly helpful. Another NTS. So no haranguing myslef about 'if only I'd moved around to music last week, I would have been through the EF faster." No, doesn't always work that way at all.

I finally got that whole contract done and handed over, re-discussed my price and the client was quite willing to go up a fair bit! She's already said how pleased she is with my work  :thumbup: :boogie: What a relief! And enough money to cover my main monthly overheads: rent and utilities and then some minor stuff as well. :)

Congrats on finishing the job and receiving much deserved extra revenue!! :cheer:

 :cheer: :applause:

Thanks Jdog and notalone :)

______________________________

I've had a very full day today. Full in a good way. I woke up at 5 AM and got up and started my day. I'm hardly ever up at that time unless I have to be for some reason. My mood felt good today and I got lots done. But I also made sure I took little breaks here and there to just sit and breathe.

My T appointment was very good yesterday which is helping my mood atm.

I did a fair bit of garden work today. I removed a bunch of moss and sowed grass seeds for shady areas since the ordinary grass seeds from a few years back mostly didn't produce much.

I took my little furry visitors down into the garden with me - it's now warm enough for them underfoot.

I even phoned the medical insurance company!! I tend to put it off because that exhausts me so much. But actually the conversation went well and I even got some unexpected, good information!

I also took both meds, something I've been slacking on in the last little while, made myself nutritious, colourful and tasty food, did some cleaning and tidying, also some work in my office. Showered and washed hair, something I'd also been slacking on a bit.

Easter is upon us. I was in church this evening for the first time in about 3 weeks and noticed as usual that it does do me good. I tend to spend a great part of Easter at church, from Thursday evening till Sunday morning, though obviously not non-stop. We did go to church sometimes when I was growing up but it's something I've discovered more and in a different way as an adult.  :thumbup: to self.

It sounds like you are doing tons of self care - physical, emotional, spiritual.  I'm so glad to hear that you are hopeful moving forward. 

Happy Easter weekend.

 :cheer: :cheer: nice!

Hi Blueberry,
You've been busy this weekend.   :cheer:  I hope your little furry visitors are enjoying staying with you.  Glad to hear your T appointment was a good one, and I hope you have a nice Easter weekend.
Hope  :)

Quote from: Jdog on April 18, 2019, 09:15:31 PM
It sounds like you are doing tons of self care - physical, emotional, spiritual. 

Not till you put this in words for me, did I really realise that that is what I had been doing! And am continuing to do so. Thanks so much :yes:

Happy Easter to you too.

Hope, I'm continuing to be busy. It's amazing! I can't think when I last managed to accomplish so much in one day. It's continuing. So it wasn't just one day either. Today is the third day of tons of stuff, but being mindful while I'm about it. Even before that I was fairly busy getting that contract done. Then instead of collapsing afterwards and needing a couple of weeks' break or at least downtime,  I just needed a day of not so much, the day I went to therapy. I hope you have a good Easter weekend too Hope!

I think my furry visitors enjoyed their time, they got collected today. I took them down into the garden with me for a couple of hours before they were collected.

I'm reminding myself to remain mindful. Do what feels good to me, do what feels as if it's time has come, rather than what other people think is appropriate. I haven't been to choir practice since Christmas mostly due to exhaustion and lack of transportation (having my bike stolen did lead me to reduce doing things / going places. To get to the church where I sing in the choir I have to cycle quite a stretch uphill and my borrowed bike with 2 functioning gears had to be pushed :thumbdown:.) So not having been at practice, I'm obviously not singing the Easter service with them but going to my local church to the Sunday service. A few people from choir have been suggesting I go - not because "we'd love to see you again there" but because it's interesting music. Sorry guys, there's lots of interesting music around and I don't like rushing around stressing myself. Not good for me at all!

Went to church in the morning, the social occasion in the afternoon and on the spur of the moment, went from that to the church where I sing in the choir. I'm glad I went. The choir members were glad to see me too.

There was singing during the social occasion too, though nothing Eastery or churchy. I didn'T know any of the songs. I joined in anyway and noted that I was certainly singing some of it correctly. That's a real improvement for me. Also me having the courage to just sing, regardless of whatever anybody else might think.  :cheer:

_______________________________

When I saw the one neighbour in the garden when I got home, I decided to go and speak to her. Yes, it's Easter and maybe you should leave people in peace, but otoh she wouldn't care about that if she happened to decide to build a raised vegetable bed in the communal space tomorrow, which is also a public holiday. So I wanted to get this message heard before it's too late.

She accused me of hounding her. I'm not good enough at managing discussions yet to say "I hear you." especially not on the spur of the moment. She also said something like she feels commandeered around by me. To which I replied that her mother commandeers me around so ... we're equal on that point. Her response was that her mother has a lot of experience, gardening experience that is. But I wasn't talking about the garden! I was talking about issues like shutting the front door at night, in the dark. When the mother drives off, to park the car 10 minutes away on foot, she leaves the door open. Not that I knew that, I came home and found it open, so I closed it. Then got told off by the mother "Don't you do that!" I was too astounded to say "Why don't you take a key with you??" Anybody could wander in!

Still I'd better watch it if she's accusing me of hounding her because she might complain to the landlord and then there'll be a: "she said this", "No I didn't" , "Yes you did"

She also said she gets on well with everybody in the building just not with me and that everybody complains about me. She listed these people. That's pretty similar to FOO tactics so my parting shot to her was that other people in the building - past and present - complain(ed) about her too. This may not be nice, it may not be tactful, but unfortunately for her it's true.

Some of the "hounding" I've done in general in the building, is trying to get other people to deal with communal jobs: like putting the communal bins out. There are phases when people bother and phases when nobody does, except me. Sometimes in those phases I don't do so on purpose to force somebody to do so eventually, or at least to allow them to notice, maybe. Atm there's a second person bothering himself in a reliable way.

Anyway so apparently in the building everybody talks about everybody else behind their backs. I'm not actually that surprised, I knew already actually. I know that not everybody is so overjoyed about everything I do / say / decide. I'm rather more flabbergasted that this neighbour has no idea what other people think about her and thinks it's just me who's causing problems. So it's much like FOO: don't bring up things directly, complain to somebody else instead. Triangulating is the word I think. No wonder I get pretty triggered.

I think I'm going to have to write another Recovery Letter to my old neighbours on this topic to blow off a bit of steam.

So I checked OOTF 100 Traits of PDs. Not surprisingly I discovered that my neighbour and I both have unhealthy ways of communicating with each other (and others in building probably). I know I can only change mine, not hers. Though I also know that in changing the way i react, I might be able to defuse the situation better than I'm doing atm.

Blaming is going on, on both sides. Both of us feel accused and misunderstood by the other. I note from OOTF: "if the Non reacts defensively or destructively to the blaming, they may inadvertently turn a blaming episode into a full-blown verbal conflict. This can make blaming a self-fulfilling prophecy, and lead to chronic conflict in relationships." It could have turned into a full-blown verbal conflict. I think both of us prevented that happening. It's already a chronic conflict. I can't say if my neighbour has a PD, she may just have a trailer-load of fleas, like me. My impression that she is very dependent on her M and also controlled by her. So on account of that, she might see red every time I open my mouth. But it's equally likely that I'm projecting something too.

I also note "Don't respond by arguing about facts. Blaming is about feelings, not the facts." So I've certainly been going wrong there. No surprise. Went back to old FOO habit of trying to prove a point, back up my 'truth' with facts.

"End the conversation by taking a time-out even if the other person doesn't want to." I probably should have asked her if we could talk about it at a more suitable time for her. She is likely to have responded with "I have no time (ever)" which is why I didn't take that road. But maybe it would be a better approach to try anyway?

What else? Passive-Aggressive Behaviour: "It is common for someone who feels they are in a position of relative disempowerment to express their anger at the more powerful person through Passive-Aggressive behavior. They may feel inferior, or afraid of the person they are angry with, who may also be an authority figure such as a parent, older sibling, employer or teacher. Or, the person may be a peer such as a spouse, partner, sibling or friend who dominates or assumes the lead position in the relationship." That strikes me because I've assumed a lead position in the building. I'm the one who contacts the landlord when there's a problem like water dripping from the basement ceiling that can't be attributed to anybody specific. I'm also the one some others turn to when they have a real or imagined problem. Even the M of this neighbour wanted advice from me and wanted to discuss what the options were if our previous landlords sold the building. I refused to engage. She tried a few more times anyway. Doesn't add up. Her daughter feels 'hounded' and she comes and insists on hearing my views on what to do if building sold.

But I note that according to that quote, my neighbour could feel intimidated by me. I also note " it is common for them (PDs) to look for a person who is willing to share the burden, help clean up the mess and help them feel better about themselves." I think the M was looking for someone willing to share the imagined burden of finding a new place for her daughter to live, probably where the M could come and visit often and expand the garden. I wasn't willing to engage or otherwise get involved in the catastrophising likely to go on in that scenario.

My refugee neighbours were also looking for a person willing to share the burden and help clean up some of their messes.

"On their part, Nons are often confused about the erratic state of mind of the Personality Disordered individuals in their lives. They may respond to poor treatment with feelings of anger and hurt while at the same time they may become afraid of future outbursts. The Non may be fatigued from taking the "high ground" over contentious issues while also managing their feelings of anger towards a Personality Disordered person who appears to be taking the "low road" or taking advantage of them. Nons may themselves develop a pattern of Passive-Aggressive behavior as a way of registering their disapproval while not provoking further conflict." I think this could be going on on both sides. I'm not actually afraid of outbursts, I'm afraid of her moving in and taking over and I'm afraid of her inability to notice or recognise very basic boundaries.

"Don't respond with a passive-aggressive approach of your own. " I think I'm prone to this in certain situations, but it's not recommended.

Ranking and Comparing: This is going on on both sides! Examples from OOTS: "All your friends think you're wrong"
"Your brother doesn't seem to have a big problem with this" To me that sounds very like "everybody in the building has a problem with you" followed by my retort that other people in the building have a problem with her too. Needless to say that was a huge tactic in FOO.

Mocking: I think only she does that, and only once that I can recall.  It was about my insistence that she didn't dump what-have-you on my office chairs. She unhelpfully pointed out scornfully that a mouldy fridge was sitting beside them. Yes, and that's not acceptable either! Your point?

So that makes another pile of stuff for me to digest. I had better go off and do a few rounds of EFT this evening.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 21, 2019, 09:17:41 PM
I know I can only change mine, not hers. Though I also know that in changing the way i react, I might be able to defuse the situation better than I'm doing atm.

:cheer: Cheering for you as you look at how you will choose to react. Seems like living in your building is like living in a very dysfunctional family. Glad you are able to process here.

Blueberry-

Remembering all of your recent self care, I wish for you continued chances to reboot and rebuild from these recent shocks to your system.  I echo notalone's comment regarding how life in your building is a lot like life with a dysfunctional family.  It's really tough being with others who have low levels of self awareness and low or no commitment to their own growth.  You correctly identified that you can only work on you, not others.  I get chances to learn this every day, both in my home life and elsewhere.

Glad you had so much music in your weekend!

Quote from: Blueberry on April 21, 2019, 06:31:24 PM
Also me having the courage to just sing, regardless of whatever anybody else might think.  :cheer:

_

:cheer:   :hug:

Hope  :)

Jdog and notalone, thank you so much for your constructive, gentle replies to my rant! I came onto the forum ready to write "My bad! I'm in Outer Critic mode." I was reading "From Surviving to Thriving" this morning before church and realised that in my dealings with the neighbour and garden and probably with other neighbours re: garden, I'm in Outer Critic mode.

Pete Walker even has a similar example:  he turns (or probably turned in the past  ;) ) his OC on his wife for not doing enough tasks in phases when he was overdoing. So I do too much, take on too much responsibility in building, am not good enough with my boundaries (e.g. saying "No! I am not doing that for you") and then feel resentful towards others in the building who aren't doing their fair share, in my eyes. They undoubtedly have a different idea of the extent of fair share ;) Sitting in church this morning, a good place for my misdeeds of the past little while to float up to the surface, I realised it would be a good idea to do a spot of inventory work from the 12 Steps on this garden/building/neighbour ordeal.

It was easier to think that in church than it will be to carry it out but nonetheless the impulse was there. The other impulse: think "peace be with you" towards my neighbour, and maybe even thank her for things she has done at my request? I objected to daily, and I mean daily, parcel deliveries to her for which I almost always got buzzed downstairs or even out of my office to sign for them, either because she was at work, or in the garden or not answering her doorbell. So I objected eventually. She still gets frequent parcel deliveries but she's arranged for them to be delivered without somebody signing for them. She may feel she does all this stuff at my request but it's never enough, or something.

otoh I do sometimes thank other people for doing things, e.g. my new refugee neighbour, not the family who moved out, for putting communal garbages out and for changing the ceiling light bulb outside my office door. Though it has just occurred to me that he possibly didn't even think of it as being my job OR it's possible he decided somebody had better do something since in the other part of the main floor nobody has changed the lightbulb for at least a year, meaning things were pretty dark. So this is like: if you leave things long enough, somebody may eventually do them. 

You're right too Jdog, self-care is a bit trickier today. I didn't bound out of bed when I woke up, I seriously considered just staying there and not going to church, though the church service today was much later in the morning than is normal. I feel more tired, dopier, lacking in concentration.

Getting up and going to church after all was self-care. Singing in church was self-care. Thinking about my side of things was kind of self-care. Taking my before breakfast meds was self-care. Deciding against something I had been planning to do this afternoon was self-care, because I could feel it was going to stress me (also it was being mindful).

Thanks for cheering on my singing, Hope  :)

I have realised that my previous refugee neighbour, the one I wrote a Recovery Letter to yesterday, was grooming / manipulating and I didn't really notice. He said once mournfully that I was the only person who helped him and his wife. Instead of realising the extent my alarm bells should have been ringing, I attempted to show him that that's not true. His previous landlady and her family had helped him alot, association A helped, group B helped as well.... He argued that no they hadn't really helped. I don't think that by that time I was suckered into helping more. I was better with boundaries with them by then, but I didn't head for the hills either. 

So I'm feeling a bit duped again. This is something for me to be aware of. I'm obviously too helpful and people take advantage of that. Pete Walker responded to me on one of his blogs here on OOTS that when somebody says "you're the only one who understands me, can help me" etc, it's good to point out to the person that it's high time they found some other people!

Just in the past couple of days I realised how much better I feel not having a Queen of Pain friend phoning regularly for support and "just to hear (my) voice" and that sort of stuff. The support I got from her in return - and there was support - was in no way enough to compensate for the amount of energy I was expending for her. I was duped by her too.

I told my garden dispute neighbour today that I appreciated her clearing stuff up but she ignored me. I don't feel hurt or anything, just thinking that maybe I knew on some level she wouldn't appreciate the remark and that's why I've never said it before.

I'm still on a roll :) I got all sorts of stuff done this afternoon and evening.

 :thumbup:

I got out my old 12 Step books, including a workbook where there's space to write Step 4 or 10. I have some stuff written in both already. But I realised that I just can't work with the 12 Step program any more. It's triggering somehow. It seems that on here, as also in my T's office or my doc's office or some of the places where I can do a long weekend of group therapy, something about the space and atmosphere makes it safe for me to explore my feelings, whereas 12 Step space - whether literature, inventory or group - is no longer safe for me.

It may be because in/on my present safe spaces, there are people who are encouraging in general, cheer me on for what looks like small steps and who help me to see where I am being unnecessarily hard on myself. That's not something that ever took place in 12 Step groups, partly because you're not meant to comment on what other people say and partly because when they did anyway it was :blink: :blink: at symptoms like mine, so they'd make a point of saying things like "I'm very exhausted too, but I did do a whole day's work at the office" (understood: unlike Blueberry). 

I'm still on a roll, getting all sorts of bits and pieces done.  :)  One super good thing: finally have an appointment with new landlord next week. I've never met him, his company bought out our building without really looking at it, but I have a list of things that need to be dealt with and he wasn't responding to my emails. I spoke to his secretary today. I had to be feelign fairly energetic and courageous to get on with that. 

Quote from: Blueberry on April 25, 2019, 07:33:05 PM
whereas 12 Step space - whether literature, inventory or group - is no longer safe for me.

:cheer: for realizing that 12 step is not helpful for you right now.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 25, 2019, 07:33:05 PM
I'm still on a roll, getting all sorts of bits and pieces done.  :)  One super good thing: finally have an appointment with new landlord next week. I've never met him, his company bought out our building without really looking at it, but I have a list of things that need to be dealt with and he wasn't responding to my emails. I spoke to his secretary today. I had to be feelign fairly energetic and courageous to get on with that. 

:cheer: :applause:

Quote from: Blueberry on April 25, 2019, 07:33:05 PM

I'm still on a roll, getting all sorts of bits and pieces done.  :)  One super good thing: finally have an appointment with new landlord next week. I've never met him, his company bought out our building without really looking at it, but I have a list of things that need to be dealt with and he wasn't responding to my emails. I spoke to his secretary today. I had to be feelign fairly energetic and courageous to get on with that.

:cheer:  I hope the appointment with your new landlord goes well next week.  You sound well prepared with your list. 

Hope  :)

I hope it goes well too. Thanks for the good wishes, Hope. :hug:

I'm really tired physically after a very long bike ride on Sunday with members of my bike club. I enjoyed it but I'm noticing the after-effects rather. I'm interested to note that I'm feeling tired mentally as well as physically. Fortunately I do not have to do any translation this week. I'm feeling a bit EF-y as well and I am no longer on a roll.

 :hug:

Thanks 3R  :hug: in return

I'm actually doing better. After actually preparing and eating a fairly healthy meal and then playing that card game Patience about 3 times in a row, I figured out what the next easiest beneficial activity was and did it. There was a small hurdle involved but I figured I could manage it and did so. So basically I ran some errands and delivered a few things here and there. In doing so, I removed some papers that were lying around my apartment :thumbup: got some fresh air and sunshine, went for a walk, chatted to a few people I met on the way.

The fresh air did me good. I was able to teach better afterwards than I might have beforehand or than I would have if I had simply gone back to bed which I was in grave danger of doing. Since teaching, I've got a few office jobs done, the kind that I put off.

Tonight I'm going to a disco for older folks, 35 yo + and joining some friends for a small hike in the woods tomorrow. Yes, I'm feeling my muscles a bit, but I'm reminding myself that the bike ride on Sunday was actually fun and so it's good to keep going with fun activities with other people, just maybe ease up a bit, don't push myself so much.

I was feeling EF-y with shame about my bad physical fitness. That shame comes straight out of childhood. It has almost always been there and has little to do with my actual fitness level. In fact it used to be far more virulent even though my level of fitness used to be better.

On Wednesday I suddenly blanked out on my password, not for here but for something way more essential. I couldn't get on here either though. It feels far longer than just 2 1/4 days. Partly because I felt a bit EF-y and so I wanted to come on here and write and/or read and I couldn't.

The 35 yo + disco turned out not to really be my thing, but I stayed anyway :stars: Most of the music was from before my time so I didn't have an emotional connection to it. There were a lot of couples on the dance floor and although they were mostly not doing couple-dancing, I still felt the spare-wheel effect and that felt triggering. Probably triggered back to a time where I felt self-conscious and unhappy, left out and somehow ridiculous. Those may be typical teenage feelings at some time or other, but FOO managed to exacerbate all that for me, rather than help me through it.

Also two of my ex-neighbours were on the dance floor and that reminded me that I always seem to get involved in disputes with my neighbours. Although I didn't actually get in a dispute with one of them when she was still living in the building, or after in fact. But she's obviously remained friends with the other with whom I had a few major disputes. There was a little group around the one I got in disputes with, some of them giving me pointed looks. I stayed around anyway. It would have felt like fleeing if I'd left, as if I'd lost. With the neighbour I got into disputes with, it was a territorial kind of thing, where I feel that you win or lose. One time she told me if would be "best" if I didn't use my kitchen in the evening, so I didn't, for months. In retrospect "best" for who? But at that time, people could obviously intimidate me pretty easily.

Another friend of mine has got friendly with the neighbour I got into disputes with, through work. So I was wishing I could be the type of person who doesn't get into disputes, or when they do, can smooth them over - no bad feelings, no hurt feelings, no anger - go back to normal relations. But I can't. That would involve forgiving. I don't forgive very easily. I don't forgive if I don't feel heard because my experience with FOO is that I just end up getting hurt again. I realise that being a resentful type of person isn't a good characteristic, but that's where I'm at still, often. Not always.

I am getting a bit better at forgiving myself.

I knew other people there in a so-so kind of way. In fact two women invited me to sit at their table, but I still felt alone. I felt best at the very, very end when I was helping clear up. 

The good thing about blanking out on my password was: I ended up looking for it, which meant going through loads of papers and throwing out or filing. There are still tons to go through and file. There are also papers I know I could throw out but for some strange reason I have an emotional attachment to, so I'm not throwing them out. There's no rational reason for the emotional ( or other?) attachment, but it's there.

The meeting with my new landlord went well. Instead of groaning and moaning, he said he'd get a plumber onto my 2 plumbing problems right away especially since one of them is wasting water like crazy. He didn't raise an eyebrow at my messy apartment. I had been putting off tidying or cleaning all week though I knew I "should". How could I forget? "Should is never good." I even tried to convince myself that I wanted to, that I'd feel better if I did. But it wasn't till after his visit that I was able to. One difficult thing at a time. One step at a time.

Blueberry, I understand how satisfying and tiring long bike rides can be.  I just recently acquired a bike after not having one for a long time.  Riding takes more concentration than I had remembered, as well as being quite a lot of physical exercise. 

I'm sitting with you as you endure and navigate your way through the EF.  I was in that thick and viney jungle myself this week.  May you find the patch of sunlight that always awaits at the other end of the dense mottle of emotions. 

Quote from: Blueberry on May 03, 2019, 02:36:40 PM

I am getting a bit better at forgiving myself.

This is a big thing.   :cheer:   :hug: to you Blueberry, if that's ok. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope,  :hug: :hug: to you too. You're right, it is a big thing, especially for me and the way I grew up.

Jdog, I've come back out of my EF :)

You're right, cycling is rather strenuous. I had just a few months of a lot less cycling than usual and I noticed the difference. I want to do more again and that's a good sign.

 :hug:

I got really triggered in a particular situation a few hours ago. Now that I've been reading around on here for a good while (including old posts of my own) and have answered a few posts and pms, I'm feeling less triggered. Though having said that, it occurs to me that what was triggered hasn't been processed in any way, it has probably just slipped out of sight briefly to then come hurtling back up again at some other point catapulting me into some non-helpful behaviour like overeating.

Anyway I want to write about the situation. I was at the monthly meeting of a group I go to and there was a situation where I felt very triggered about information being withheld from some people, e.g. me. So it was a power thing because one of the two people with the information holds no position or capacity which allows him this information. The other guy with the information has access to different information which only one other person has access to and I'm not that person. However having access to this different information wouldn't automatically give him access to the other information (that I wanted access to). So this power thing for no good reason I could see was triggering. Then these two and others started telling me that the information itself in the form it is presently in is totally irrelevant and useless, the important thing is what we as a club do with the information, how we present it to the public. It turned out that two of the people arguing this hadn't even seen the information yet themselves but presumed to tell me a) that it wasn't in any kind of useful, comprehensible form and b) it wouldn't provide me personally with any useful information. I don't really know if they were playing some sort of Devil's Advocate - just arguing for the sake of it or trying to wind me up or what. Two other women there took my part a bit. One didn't want the information personally, the other did, but both commented: 'Blueberry is just as much an active member in the group here as you guys, why can't she see this information??' There was no real answer to that, they just went off on some tangent, several people talking at once. And when the two who hadn't even seen the information themselves pointed this out to me, I was just dumbfounded. They said it like "We haven't seen it yet either, so why are you making a fuss?" I didn't have the opportunity to ask "How on earth do you know whether or not the information is useless in its present form if you haven't even seen it yet yourselves??" The way they had been arguing, I assumed they'd seen it.

What I did ask at some point was "Why are you guys making such a song and a dance about it? Why can't you just let me see the information or tell me that you'll email it to me in the next couple of days?"

Eventually one of them with the information printed out handed it to me resignedly. OK, I understand some of the triggering now. enF also acquiesced resignedly sometimes - "yeah OK, not that you deserve it or anything, but OK, yeah just to make you shut up, you can have what you're asking for." Even though my brother was simply handed information or in another case, enF permitted me to leave the dining room to eat, in that fake resigned kind of way. On those occasions when I took my plate and left the room it was in order to get away from verbal and/or emotional abuse at the table. I didn't deserve to escape that??  No wonder I was triggered this evening. It's obvious that FOO didn't think I had a right to escape abuse otherwise enF would have stopped the abuse coming from B1 and M would have stopped her own abuse.

What I don't get is: they're not normally like this. Did I do something this evening that set them off? I don't think I can discuss it with them though. I don't want to ask. I don't really want to know, or at least probably not in the way they might tell me. They might come up with a whole litany of complaints about me and not realise that that could be severely triggering.

Interestingly enough, this evening it was almost a male versus female argument. The only people actively supporting me were other women. There was one other woman there who didn't support me. She eventually said she hadn't seen it either, using tone of voice etc to indicate that I should shut up and let them get on with other things. The 2 people with access were men, the 2 people who claimed the information is irrelevant in its present form having not seen it themselves were men. And later after it was all semi-settled, 3 of them even made some joke about women not having rights or something. I can't remember exactly. It was just some stupid joke. If you'd asked me before today, I would have said no way would any of them espouse such ideas, these are liberal-thinking men. The wives of two of them were present - they were the two who supported me. Now I don't know.

Jokes. Being flippant. Another triggering moment. enF liked to make jokes as a response to serious requests / comments / explanations from me. About 4 or 5 years ago, a T pointed out to me that making jokes in response to me was abusive. It was a way for enF to keep me under his thumb, to invalidate me and to reduce my willingness for self-expression and for defending myself. 

I can see where those interactions were triggering. Sending you care and tenderness.  :hug: Proud of you for standing up for yourself.

Hi Blueberry,
Having information withheld without reasonable justification sounds very triggering to me, and I think you did well to stand up for your wish to have the information shared.  I'm glad that some of the women supported you.  I also admire that you've been able to process this and think about your FOO dynamics and how there are parallels or similarities there.  What your T said about jokes being abusive is very powerful too.  I don't really know if my reply to you is making any sense, but I wanted to say that I admire how you dealt with this situation, and I would also like to send you a supportive hug -  :hug: if that's ok.
Hope  :)

Hello everybody,

There are a few posts on the forum I want to respond to but I'm just too busy and have been the past few days to manage. Me too busy :cheer:   Changed days!   I'll be back on tomorrow.  :)

 :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on May 12, 2019, 03:17:01 PM
Me too busy :cheer:   Changed days!   

The real progress here is: "too busy", not "too exhausted". I'm learning to say 'no' and learning what my priorities are before I'm too exhausted to continue. Learning to do what's important to me in the 'here and now' and not answer posts here or support friends by phone or whatever else. Making decisions for me!
____________________________
Today somebody in the building dumped a couple of bags in front of my basement door. Without agonising or any kind of anxiety, I picked them up and put them elsewhere in the basement - nowhere where they're directly impeding anybody else. The real progress is the lack of anxiety. Also I came back home this afternoon to discover somebody dumped their jacket on my office chairs, even though this space is marked as my Waiting Area, with requests not to dump stuff on my 2 chairs. I used to always have a certain amount of anxiety, bad conscience about moving stuff off my chairs. Well today, I moved the jacket and instead of leaving it in the general vicinity of my chairs I unceremoniously dumped it in some general space in the building. Visible for the owner but totally separate from my office space.

It's only now where I notice the huge reduction in anxiety that I realise how much anxiety I used to feel. That's why I used to write such huge long posts about the topic.

Hi Blueberry,
:cheer: for the fact you moved the things that had been dumped on your space.  Also, you mentioned making decisions for yourself - that sounds really good. 
Hope  :)

I'm still sick but want to write a couple of things anyway.

First, I'm taking better care of myself than in the last few years (when sick): I'm taking my low-thyroid medication and making myself plenty of hot drinks during the day. This used to be something a former friend would remind me to do, but now I'm doing it without reminding. Yeah, I have a Very Bad Cold including with fever and chills in the first couple of days but I don't seem to have gone into a 'might as well give up' EF on account of it.  :thumbup:

In the first day and night of fever and chills I seemed to be processing more CSA stuff.

*** TW***


One way I have had since I was a child was to have imaginary invisible beings punishing my perpetrators. This went a step further during my fever and I'm seeing it as progress. Oh, look, I wrote perpetrators because in this feverish state there were two instead of one. The second being enF, who allowed CSA and a lot more to happen. So a different kind of step forward in addition to the type of punishment. I'm writing this chiefly for myself, it might not make a lot of sense for others.

*** End TW ***

Enough, back to  :zzz: :zzz:  I won't be reading or commenting on others' posts till I'm feeling quite a bit better.

Hugs to you, BB. I hope you are feeling better soon. 💜 :hug:

Thanks 3R! :hug:
____________

Tbh I'm feeling a little lonely rn though earlier on I was thinking how good it is that I no longer have contact with all those needy 'friends', who I've since got rid of.

I need to be careful. There is a friend I was talking to on Monday just before I got sick. She talks and talks. I know I need to set a limit of some sort when she's speaking because I could feel myself getting impatient and frustrated and antsy, just as I used to with former friend B. Setting a limit is 'rude' - is what I was brought up to believe. Though heaven knows, better a calm verbal limit than how M and Brother1 set their limits in the past.

I noticed here on the forum there have been a number of posts about friends recently. I haven't read them but it's a topic for me too. It's good  :thumbup: :applause: that I'm far enough along in my healing to no longer be listening to ICr ranting on about losing friends obviously means you're a loser. FOO wasn't too good on compassion when I was growing up, still isn't. Not that I'm losing my friends, I'm pointing them towards the exit door myself or just not re-contacting.

You are certainly not a loser, Blueberry.  Giving up friends does certainly count as a loss, and creates a hole regardless of the reason they are no longer part of your circle. 

You deserve kind and compassionate friends.  Keep finding them.

Thanks Jdog  :) You're right - there's a hole where friends used to be. Just a fact. But in time something good can take its place in that hole.

** TW Nightmare **




Just before I got sick, I dreamt I was in a building with huge, transparent pipes running through it. The pipes were full of water and there were people in the water, all with underwater breathing equipment, and they were scrubbing the insides of the pipes. I stepped too far forwards and was told I'd be put in the pipes as punishment.  Here's the good bit: I didn't take that lying down! I got a lawyer immediately and managed to avoid being put in the pipes. It wasn't easy because as soon as I tried to escape, the place turned into some sort of maze, so that I constantly opened a door into the room where the woman was who was trying to take me prisoner but her back was always towards me so I could nip out in time. Eventually I managed to leave the maze altogether.

** End TW **

The really good thing though was standing up for myself to begin with by grabbing a lawyer and thinking to myself: no way am I going in those pipes, even with breathing equipment. Stepping "too far forwards" was one of those arbitrary things. There were no posted rules about it, no way to know. Like in my childhood when I was punished and didn't even know why.

This nightmare was also connected to the time I was on a closed ward. Everything seemed unreal and arbitrary and I had dreams of trying to get out and the door always being closed in my face. So maybe processing that a bit too.

Sounds like a scary dream, yet at the same time, great that you fought back.

I'm much better again from my very bad cold. No feverish chills etc or pain anymore, just the normal cold symptoms like stuffy nose. As I've been getting better in that respect, I've noticed depressive symptoms creeping in again. When I was still feverish, I was doing far better at taking my meds and drinking hot drinks on and off all day. Also I didn't have a sense of 'can't be bothered' but that is creeping back in now.

An hour or so ago I decided to act as if I wasn't feeling 'can't be bothered'. Tomorrow Little Furries are coming to stay and I needed to set up their living quarters. I did so though my energy was seeping away before hand. Now that I've done it, my energy seems to have stopped seeping away and I feel better because I don't have this 'should' hanging over my head.

There was another 'should' hanging around today, an ICr 'should'. It was saying that since I was able to do a little cleaning and tidying, I would obviously be able to work again on Tuesday. But the idea of teaching et al. on Tuesday makes me feel constricted and panicky and tired etc so I've decided to see how I do tomorrow accepting the Little Furries. Due to my pension, I don't need sick notices from the doc so I decide for myself when I start working again and how much per day.

That ICr 'should', it's right out of my childhood. One of my M's 1 + 2 = 5, except for me not so easy to spot the fallacy as with the numerical one. But I am getting better at spotting and then not acting according to her rules.

My T tells me to watch how I react physically. I've just commented on the blog article and noticed my physical reactions as fear, in my gut. For me writing in a new place, in the open is hard. Deep down, there's still this expectation that what I write has to be perfect, more than perfect in fact. I can see M so that was one of her messages, though I don't think just hers. No, it was F's too. He just dealt with it differently. He mocked me instead of going on an angry tirade.

Atm I seem more to be frightened of the angry tirade. I'm breathing and reminding myself that I'm safe now. FOO will never read what I wrote on the blog. Oh, OK, I understand, I need to work on a situation from the long ago past, calm and console my 6 year old self. Off to do some Screen Processing. (No wonder I was having a bit of trouble writing on the blog, no wonder I got hit with brain fog.)

I agree with you Blueberry. I feel like fear is in my gut too.  My T has been saying the same thing too.  That I'm supposed to see where I feel my emotions physically. I think my emotions are mostly fear related though?

How are you feeling? Still sick or doin a little better?

I'm doing better, but not yet good, thanks for asking. I decided e.g. not to teach tomorrow. Too early.

Good for you, take care of yourself first

Yep, take care of me and my Little Furries. One of whom had an accident the day before he came so now needs eyedrops. He is not too pleased. But he is fairly tame and very sweet. Same with his same-age friend. The baby of the bunch is rather nervous and keeps out of my way, but that will change.

I'm struggling more than I was when really ill to take my own meds and drink enough and so on. Weird.

The owners of the building have put scaffolding up at the front. I knew that was coming, though it was meant to be tomorrow. Still, it feels encroaching. Fortunately, most of my space is at the back of the building.

Calming and consoling my 6 year old self (a couple of days ago) mostly involved explaining some things about M. Done internally so not repeating here. I then went on to do Screen Processing. For I think the first time ever my younger brother turned up. Worse - before I even had the Screen up in my imagination. He climbed voluntarily back into the Screen only when I made a magic wall of fire between us. Being magic, it stays in place and doesn't spread or harm me or anything. I'm still imagining the wall of fire and some things are still processing because of it, e.g. something to do with my goddaughter, who is my brother's daughter.

Lightbulb! Could be I'm struggling a bit with meds and drinking because of the Screen Processing, rather than having been ill.

OK, I know it's my ICr. having a field day... I finally dared to ask a question on my professional association's website and now feel as if I have egg on my face. I should have known, I should not have needed to ask :fallingbricks:  But I did need to ask. Only now that I have the answer does it all make sense. Sometimes when others respond, they're snarky about the questioner asking others to do the research for them. I did research but didn't come up with the information I needed. I guess I researched in the wrong places. And then couldn't see the wood for the trees.

The reason I'm writing on here is that I did a tiny spot of SI and also want to eat sweet stuff. So, it would definitely be better to do a round of EFT.

Blueberry,
Please be kind to yourself.  :hug:

I didn't do my EFT. I went to bed and lay and shivered instead. But eventually I got up again and went and had a nice long bath at a friend's whose bath I can use when she is away. I really needed it too since my shower drain is having issues. (One reason I need to contact landlord).

I feel for you, laying in bed shivering. It is so hard when the feelings are so big. Glad you were able to take a bath. Sounds like a soothing, nurturing thing to do.  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on May 24, 2019, 12:51:34 PM
I finally dared to ask a question on my professional association's website

Hi Blueberry,

I just wanted to say that I admire you for being brave to ask a question on your professional association's website, and I am thinking back to times when I've seen people ask things, and get answers, and then I've thought - 'Glad they asked that, because now I know the answer too' - I feel sure that your action will have also helped others, but most importantly you got an answer that was helpful to 'you' and which made sense. 


I am sorry to hear you're shivering - is that feverish still - I hope you feel better soon.   I hope that you enjoyed the nice long bath - and wishing you the best for today - sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug:

Thank you all for hugs and comments. I still haven't looked back at my professional association website, though I know another response came. Nor have I done my EFT or got much further on the job I'm meant to be doing. I've allowed myself to get stuck.

Today I was actually doing completely different work - I was working at the polling station. This evening, especially, after the polls closed it was quite strenuous. Counting and sorting and deciding. A first round of decisions on whether ballots were valid or not. I was noticeably slower counting than others which kind of stressed me. I started doing SH eventually, I'm not even sure why. Oh well, I had wanted to try it out and one good thing about the job is that I didn't have to do any kind of formal job application which is always very stressful for me. "Please tell us why you're the best person for the job." Me: Blank.       Actually I mostly don't even get as far as the interview because writing the application has me blanking and/or doing tons of SH so that I give up.

Yesterday I finally looked at my prof. association website and nobody had commented with anything snarky or anything like "you're wasting our time". There are sometimes comments like that from a couple of people so my worries weren't just EF-related, but still these worries made the whole situation worse. So I'm just making a note of that for myself. Not for the first time my fear of something has compounded the problem.

I had an appointment at my newish psych doctor's today. It was only my second time there. His opinion is that while things are still 'raw' e.g. my not having got over the realisation that I have a 'family in name only', it would be good if I spent more time with people who know my history. So that means getting my act together and going to my gp, trying to get another appointment with T, going to those retreats more often and not telling myself I shouldn't need any of that any more. Oh, there's that "shouldn't need" in there. I know that "shouldn't need" well, unfortunately. It's not helpful. It's probably my ICr. in fact.

Once again I feel :fallingbricks: with the number of things I need to do in the next few days and weeks. The psych doc said waiting till August to go on the next possible retreat will go by quickly - 2 months is all. Well it doesn't seem that way with the number of things I 'have to' do in that time. Anyway, I think he's wrong. 2 months in a low-level EF can seem interminable. It won't be that way though because I'm likely to come back out of my EF long before August.

Glad you are seeing more of a light at the end of the EF tunnel.  We do tend to lose perspective and get sucked into the "right now=always and for all time" thinking, don't we?  You know how to break larger issues into more manageable bits, and I am sure you will put those skills into play as soon as you can.

:hug:

Thanks for the gentle reminder that I have the tools for this and will use them when the time is right.

I feel exhausted. I haven't really got over my cold yet. Most things are a big effort atm. I am allowing myself a lot of downtime however.

Yes, I agree that having a cold really sucks.  Mine is a little better but I actually had a very difficult night, partly due to my cold.

I'm sending you some warm soup and an extra box of tissues... :hug:

Thanks Jdog  :)  :hug: Maybe you need both more than I do. I think I'm in more of an EF that's giving me a few physical problems and general weakness too. Plus my immune system is probably not up to scratch atm and my lifestyle of the past few weeks is not helping there, not in the least.

I feel hugely demotivated atm. There are things to be done but I'm not doing much of them. I'm finding it exceedingly difficult to follow through with the most mundane tasks atm. I've had these phases before, I will come out again. Atm it feels as if I don't really want to come out of it yet.

I admit I feel lonely. No FOO to speak of and I find friends and acquaintances in general strenuous and annoying atm. I just don't have the space and the emotional energy for others and their problems rn. I don't really mean so much on here as people I bump into in daily life. Though on here I'm also reminding myself that I don't have to respond to a whole slew of posts just because I'm Mod. Also expending energy putting down the ICr. blaming me for being lonely since I'm so 'difficult'. If I weren't so 'difficult' I wouldn't have issues with friends or need to push FOO away.

otoh I could spend more time observing the Little Furries I'm looking after atm. That brings me out of my funk a bit and they enjoy my presence too. Originally I had intended to take them into the garden but even that felt too much.

I know these phases, nothing new really. At some point I'll decide I've had enough and want to get on with living life again instead of stuck in depression, observing other people's lives.

Blueberry, I'm sorry you are going through such a "down" time right now.  :hug: It is okay for you to focus on yourself. I hope your Furries and maybe some other things are able to bring you a degree of comfort.

 :hug:

EF. It just takes the time it takes to realise what sort of EF brought on by what and what are my feelings really. And what are the next manageable steps. And what should I cancel.

Feelings - I'm sad. There's grieving to do. Or my IC is sad.

Pete Walker talks about waking up in an EF which means flashing back to the feeling you had waking up in a family where you felt abandoned or unsafe or unmotivated pretty regularly. I think I've been in a variant of that for about a week. That is: getting over my very bad cold (which was a valid escape from normal life) and 'waking up' to normal life but not feeling like getting on with it at all. I did a lot of freeze escaping as a child. I slept and I pretended to sleep.

A few days ago I was wondering if things could ever go back to the state of me feeling as if bits of me are sliding in and out, as if part of me is going one way while other parts of me are going another way, a type of dissociation. The answer today is: Yes. I'm not quite at that stage yet but I'm certainly at a stage where it is difficult to do anything methodically: teach, prepare lessons, write homework, sweep the floor, tidy, or even pick greens for the Furries. Nonetheless, I'm going to go out and do the latter quite soon.

Hi Blueberry,
I am thinking that you might be out gathering greens for your Furries now - so I hope that's going ok.  I wanted to say that I really relate to what you said here - all of it.  I also did a lot of freeze escaping as a child - so it was helpful to see you phrase it as that, as I'm not sure I could have necessarily linked it in that way.  I also particularly related to the fact that you said "I'm certainly at a stage where it is difficult to do anything methodically" - and you talked about different parts going in different directions - I relate to that so much. 

:hug: to you, if that's ok.  I feel like I want to copy the bit you wrote to my Journal, as I want to remember it - is that something that is ok?  I don't want to do it if it's not appropriate, but I don't want to forget it - it was meaningful to me. 

:hug:
Hope  :)

Hello Hope,

:hug: :hug: are great rn.  Here are some for you :grouphug:

It sounds as if my post is useful for you. I feel happy about that. I post so much on here that I'm glad when something I say helps somebody else too. You're welcome to copy whatever part you like to your Journal.
_________________________

I need to write 2 contracts. I'm not able to write either atm. Pete Walker wrote about something being too much in childhood (maybe it was toxic shame?) and then children not being able to express themselves. That's one of my problems. Whether expressing myself through body language, doing something creative, speaking or even just writing. Here on OOTS I can write a lot but it's not the same elsewhere.

Today I spent a lot of time outside in the garden which meant I was surrounded by greenery and fresh air. I took my Furries down with me and picked greens for them for later tonight and tomorrow. I did various gardening jobs including cutting grass and sowing wild flower seeds both of which need a certain degree of methodical work. I also took lots of breaks and gazed at the Furries and/or did crossword puzzles and the like. Obviously I managed to stay out of bed for the duration. I feel better grounded and less likely to start drifting apart.

I got an email from my T that he can give me an appointment on Wednesday. I partially feel ashamed at needing T again. But that shame is an ICr.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 01, 2019, 05:20:55 PM

Today I spent a lot of time outside in the garden which meant I was surrounded by greenery and fresh air. I took my Furries down with me and picked greens for them for later tonight and tomorrow. I did various gardening jobs including cutting grass and sowing wild flower seeds both of which need a certain degree of methodical work. I also took lots of breaks and gazed at the Furries and/or did crossword puzzles and the like. Obviously I managed to stay out of bed for the duration. I feel better grounded and less likely to start drifting apart.

I got an email from my T that he can give me an appointment on Wednesday. I partially feel ashamed at needing T again. But that shame is an ICr.

Glad you were able to be outside for awhile and do things that helped you to be more grounded.
It is completely okay that you need an appointment with your therapist. I don't think that you would feel or state something negative toward anyone on OOTS for needed therapy. As much as possible, give yourself the same kindness that you extend to others.  :hug:

Thanks for that reminder, notalone.  :hug:          You're right, I wouldn't think, feel or say anything negative about somebody else needing to see their T.

I think I've been behaving like a narc towards my neighbour. No cries of "No way Blueberry, that's not possible!" because none of you know me in the real, 3-dimensionally. I was brought up in a fighting family (mostly verbally fighting), so it's no surprise I turn to that sometimes.

My neighbour's mother told me yesterday that I should stop attacking her daughter and that envy is my problem. Instead of maybe just leaving the scene of the dispute, I continued in the way I know from FOO: poking holes in the other person's argument and other stuff like that I'm ashamed of.  e.g. bringing stuff up from the far distant past - which is what you are really not meant to do in disputes.

Atm I feel anything but peaceful in fact it's like war raging in my veins. probably I need to do some venting, maybe about B2? Or FOO in general? But I run away from that. At least I don't feel so EF-y now as I did yesterday. I should not be dumping vitriol on my neighbour instead of on FOO however.

I was reading a lot of Pete Walker in the night. I couldn't sleep and had a bad headache too. Reading isn't enough though. I need to 'do'.

This is exactly what I do when I'm badly triggered. It's so easy for me to go ballistic. The one thing I've learned that helps has been to lengthen the time between my reaction and my outward response. For some reason, hearing it like that gave me a light bulb moment.

The upside of this is now I'm an expert at the apology.

Still doing a lot of reading, but at least I got up this morning, pretty early too, and I wrote one of my Recommended/Could lists for today. That helped me remember how I have not been doing things that keep me stable so it's no wonder I got so destabilised. So things are back on the Highly Recommended part of the list: speak to 1 non-work-related person; be outside in the fresh air; take my meds; eat something. And on Could: clean at least one little spot and tidy one as well - emphasis on 'little'; and various other stuff.

I also finally started writing in my Paper Journal again. I feel the wherewithall to work again today which is good because 2 clients are coming and I have to do some written work, like write a bill and a contract.

I've been thinking more on my interactions with my neighbour and her mother. 3Roses mentioned up above how she's turned into an expert at apology. I used to be that way too but I note my reluctance now, not just about my neighbour but in general. I know I'm treading a fine line here, but I just have too many memories of me apologising and the other person either turning around and agreeing with me wholeheartedly along the lines of "Yes your behaviour was really bad" and/or themselves not taking any responsibility for their part. I don't have enough stable ground underfoot to be dealing with that atm. My neighbour and her mother apparently see nothing whatsoever bad in their actions but there is some bad and always has been.

Of course when I sit down and think about it, I remember the 3 Cs: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it - my neigbours' problems that is. I can only learn to control and cure my own.

My neighbour's mother told me my problem is envy and that if I don't lay that aside I will never get better. In retrospect, this will have been triggering. I heard quite enough of that junk growing up. There may be some truth to it, otoh it's often much easier to sort out someone else's problems than your own. I could give my neighbour a few answers to her problems too, but I don't.

I was thinking on envy. What is envy? I'm envious of one SIL too. So what's behind that? Pain, and some anger. Pain that for my parents and the rest of FOO daughter-in-law / sister-in-law is more important than daughter / sister. A little anger at that too, but probably not nearly enough venting or grieving done on it. What's the envy about my neighbour? I don't know. I have resentment though and that's maybe what her M is picking up on. I've heard that resentment is a mixture of pain and anger. It's wasted anger though because she doesn't budge much and she certainly doesn't apologise. 

Therapy was absolutely brilliant today. So many revelations! Forget what I wrote up above. My T says my actions were wonderful. I will explain more tomorrow. It's too late for me now. I haven't even eaten yet and it's almost midnight. So self-care first, forum tomorrow.  ;D

I know what I want to say but I can't write it :Idunno: It will come though. Just need to give it a little time.

(Just to clarify - I only apologize if I've done something wrong. Sticking up for myself, defending my rights, speaking my mind - none of these things is wrong. But the way I've gone about them is sometimes over the line. I can apologize for the way I've acted without apologizing for the need for it.)

Yes, that's the way I understood it. I have trouble figuring out whether I've actually done something wrong. Thanks FOO. Not. Sticking up for myself, defending my rights, speaking my mind, saying "No!" still feel like taboo, especially the way I do them.

One of the revelations I haven't managed to write about yet is that my T explained that what I said recently to my neighbour was not wrong, aggressive, a put-down, out-of-order or anything else like that. I was not at fault for 'fanning the flames', as I'd thought. This neighbour told me she gets on with everybody in the building, just not with me, and everybody else complains about me as well. A few minutes later I retorted that a few people in the building complain about her too.  I was feeling bad about that. In T's opinion I was defending myself. I was refusing to accept this criticism of me, which is probably not even true. Back to Sender. That was sort of my opinion as well, but I didn't dare really hold that opinion. Doesn't fit with what I've heard about Nonviolent Communication.  I explained to T how I've been told in the past (partially by Ts), that I need to learn to de-escalate and not escalate. This T, who knows me very, very well now, sat there shaking his head, even after I'd explained a situation with my neighbour in detail, and then I added that 'it got even worse' because I added this other comment too. I was really trying to show my T that my behaviour had been inappropriate and he vehemently disagreed.

I think I'm aggressive and have anger issues because that's what FOO always told me. It was one of their excuses for not listening to me, one of many excuses. M and B1 are the ones with the real anger issues, but those were and still are acceptable because ?? ??. The usual dysfunctional family reasons. Me being Chief Scapegoat, no anger allowed. (Or in fact any feelings.)

It is true that I'm starting to argue back when I feel unjustly treated. My T says  :applause: :applause: :applause: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: In the past there were many situations, including with this neighbour and her mother, where I was just floored at some comment or excuse of theirs and I went straight into Freeze mode and couldn't say a thing. T has taught me to be aware of my posture in different situations and reminds me of that in therapy. He'll show me with body language the difference too. Somewhat exaggerated, but the posture he mirrors to me is somebody making themselves very small, ducking down, looking up in fear, shoulders hunched. It is not somebody leaping up, blowing a fuse, committing acts of violence on the furnishings, yelling and screaming. 

There were more revelations but that's enough for today.

 :applause: Your big revelations!  :cheer: Blueberry, glad you experienced giant steps forward. That is wonderful.

Thank you notalone  :)

_____________________________________

I've just been angry at someone and feels as if I blew a fuse and I feel a bit embarrassed, not superbly so, but a little. Undoubtedly I was triggered. That tends to happen when I feel as if the other person is 'worrying' at me like a dog with a bone and just won't let go. I get so badly triggered, I don't even remember that I could get up and go to another part of the room.

Although last time I had a really  bad episode like this in inpatient therapy where the T wouldn't leave me alone, despite the fact I was defending myself and saying it was too much, I was much worse triggered than I was in the situation today. So there is improvement.

We'll pretend I come from New Zealand. This person was explaining to me that 'New Zealand' is part of 'Australia' and wouldn't accept my "I'm sorry, but I come from there, and it's quite simply not true." He kept going off with all these examples 'proving' his point and I eventually exploded. Even then he didn't accept it. I'm not even in an English-speaking country, the guy has nothing to do with the countries in my real case or with NZ or Australia.

When I started yelling and making "This is final" gestures some people in the room tried to calm me down, saying "He's just provoking you" but Idk exactly, the old injuries of having to put up and shut up in FOO while they lied, distorted the truth, gaslighted and played Devil's Advocate and plain provoked me just for the fun of it, are too near the surface.

However one woman came over to me and suggested I move places and come and sit with her and a couple of other women, so I accepted that gladly.

This kind of stuff happens to me, too. Sometimes I think I have a "change my mind" sign on my back! Hugs to you  :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on June 12, 2019, 03:28:17 PM


the old injuries of having to put up and shut up in FOO while they lied, distorted the truth, gaslighted and played Devil's Advocate and plain provoked me just for the fun of it, are too near the surface.

However one woman came over to me and suggested I move places and come and sit with her and a couple of other women, so I accepted that gladly.

I relate to having a FOO who act in that way - it is horrible   :pissed:

I am glad that the woman came over and supported you.   :grouphug:

Hope  :)

Thanks for commenting Hope, though I'm sorry that you can relate so well.  :hug:

You're right:  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: It's horrible and for me it's maddening too, but that's part of the EF I guess, based on the only way i could react as a child which was argue back and lose the argument anyway. By definition basically, because it was me arguing.  :blowup: lobbed at FOO.

You're right - it was certainly heartening that this woman came over to lead me across to her part of the room! When I concentrate on that, I am mindful of how many people present were supporting me, mostly without getting involved. So basically rescuing me from the situation that I was not able to leave on my own because too triggered. Or in most cases actually they were just accepting me the way I was, without alluding to the situation afterwards, and without taking the part of the guy who was being provocative.

3Roses, Idk about that sign on my back. I think it's maybe that some people like to put others down, prove others wrong (my FOO goes in for that a lot). Narcs who notice they can certainly try this with us. Like trolls on the forum but irl, maybe? irl some of these people can tell where the chinks in my protective psychological layer are or where that layer doesn't even exist and they make a beeline for it. Anyway thanks for commenting and for your compassion too. :hug:

I can feel today how bone-tired I am: mentally, physically, emotionally. So I realise it's time to put the brakes on a bit and also let some things go. They'll sort themselves, or somebody else can deal with them. Also I'll be cancelling some activities next week which feel more like work than rest, recuperation or fun.

There are a number of things to be done still today, but it's helping me to write this now and acknowledge for myself.

That realisation about letting some things go was only 2 days ago.

Yesterday walking along, I tripped over my own two feet and landed on my nose, literally. I also ratched up one lense of my glasses. Fortunately I hadn't so far got round to going to optometrist for an eye check and ordering new ones and this might now galvanise me into doing so. I remained seated on the ground for a little while instead of getting up. It was my feeling that that was best. In earlier years I might have got up again as quickly as possible, out of embarrassment if nothing else. But no, this tme I listened to my body and my intuition.

I remember now that when I broke a bone a few years ago and was telling my T about the situation and how I reacted, got out of the situation by myself, got home, got help, he said  :cheer: and that I wasn't freezing or panicking any more in the present, that I was able to think and react appropriate to the situation, step-by-step. At least in a situation that doesn't trigger me full into the past.

So this time, a woman who witnessed the event suggested I go and sit on a bench round the corner, since I'd said to her before that that I was just going to sit for a bit (but I meant on the ground). I didn't because I was up again by then. It was kindly meant, but it wasn't what I needed. I decide for myself now and it feels like progress when I say and write that. I feel strong and grounded.

After this nose dive, I thought 'obviously a sign that I need to slow down again in the next little while', totally forgetting I'd thought that the day before apparently, since I wrote it here. Today before reading on here, I was thinking that I actually feel much better this morning, maybe I could do some of my Monday farm work after all if someone collects me from the bus stop and drives me back to it later. Now thinking to myself: be careful! I'm not good at working out when I should be doing how much, when I should be resting, when I'm actually ill or injured.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 05, 2019, 09:49:35 PM
Therapy was absolutely brilliant today. So many revelations! Forget what I wrote up above. My T says my actions were wonderful. I will explain more tomorrow.

Or I will explain even later ;)

So another revelation and huge step forwards last time in T: I was finally able to really believe it and say that I suffered appallingly bad emotional abuse growing up in FOO. I was able to line up my ICs and Inner Teens in a row in my mind and tell them that they were appallingly badly abused emotionally.

When I just write it down like now or in my Paper Journal in therapy session, I don't feel it much. So I have homework to ground myself physically very well beforehand and then say it and then ground myself very well afterwards. I haven't done my homework on this yet, but my T always says I'll do it when the time is right. I've been doing other things since last T session, like using the energy released to catch up on various things, and also to organise a protest yesterday in a subject dear to my heart. Joining in a protest on something important to me and my life often gives me energy. My GP said a long time ago, it is because I'm defending myself and my rights, which makes total sense when I think about it.

The word 'appalling' is important. It didn't occur to me till after T that B1 told me in my early twenties that enF told him in our teens that my treatment of B1 was "appalling". In our teens B1 used PA whenever he found me annoying. Yet my treatment of him was deemed "appalling" ??? ??? :'( I've taken that word back now and am attributing it to the people in FOO with the actual appalling behaviour.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 16, 2019, 08:14:07 AM
So another revelation and huge step forwards last time in T: I was finally able to really believe it and say that I suffered appallingly bad emotional abuse growing up in FOO. I was able to tell line up my ICs and Inner Teens in a row in my mind and tell them that they were appallingly badly abused emotionally.

To be able to say it AND believe it----huge!!!  :cheer: Thanks for sharing that with us.

Thanks for commenting, notalone  :hug:

_____________________________-

I'm really noticing today how cptsd is affecting me and how people round about me quite simply do not understand. I've been asking for help today not with cptsd of course but with getting something done for an association I am in. Replies of the type "I'm sure you'll manage fine" are not helpful. I'm not managing, that's why I'm asking for help!! Anyway at least I realised I'm in an EF and that getting this thing done isn't high on the list of my priorities. It should be done by this evening, so in a few hours, but I just can't anymore.

So, EF, so I went and lay down for quite a few hours and dozed. I have a small physical injury on top of everything and that seems to be throwing me for a loop as well, maybe it even contributed to the EF. Probably even, since it was the result of a minor accident.

Anyway, I checked my emails a few minutes ago and discovered somebody offering help, so that's a relief.

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad that someone has E-mailed you offering some constructive help - that is good to hear.  I am sorry to hear you've got a small physical injury, and I hope that you will not be too affected by it, and that it will heal up soon.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Blueberry-

I am glad that you were offered help with the administrative task as well.  And good for you for asking for help to begin with.  I often find it extremely difficult to ask others to assist me with tasks as it feels like weakness to me at times.  It's important for us to get over ourselves, so to speak.  You've done that!

Hi Blueberry, the comment like "I'm sure you'll do fine" is so easy to throw out without thinking. I've said things like it myself and regret it after. I do think a lot of people just don't give things a second thought though.

I also think it's good you are able to ask for help in the middle of an ef. That's quite a hurdle for me as well.

Yesterday I dealt with 2 FOO emails. I had bad dreams in the night, maybe not nightmares, but definitely not pleasant. One was about the garden, as usual. Somebody came and dug it all up and moved things around without discussing anything with the other users first.


** TW Physical injury **

Then I remembered that I used to have nightmares where things came out of the blue and injured me physically, so I guess it's progress that in the last few years it's only the garden that has been 'injured' out of the blue.

** End TW **


Then I went travelling with a friend to get away from FOO, but somehow the travelling was difficult too. Met up with FOO anyway, or at least enF and one of my brothers. Well, those were the two I emailed so no big surprise there.

I wrote on Elphanigh's Journal about criticising myself for not getting on with my healing as fast as she is. Now I remember that many therapists and trauma specialists (including Pete Walker) say you can't really heal until you cut contact with your abusers. I tried to keep in some form of normal contact with FOO for far too long. So that will have delayed my healing. I would say that enF and uBPDM, especially enF though, are still pretending to not get it. I imagine that my sibs do get it and are not pretending anything, but occasionally contact me about something semi-straightforward, something 'business-like'.
Maybe I'll go and write a non-sender letter to enF, saying the things it didn't make sense to say in an email because of gaslighting etc.

I also re-read this old post of mine https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11160.0 just now, very apt to read it rn.

Last time I was at T, my T questioned Adult me being sad at not being able to contact F, because T said in my voice it sounded more like anger directed towards F. I do think part of Adult me is sad that contact with F is not possible, but mostly the sadness and hurt is coming from the ICs, and probably ITeens to some degree as well. Adult me is certainly beginning to tap anger.

Added a little later:
                                NTS: with the amount of stuff going on atm, it's not surprising I'm feeling pretty much under the weather and am having trouble getting on with things.

A gentle, supportive :hug: to you, and a cup of your favorite tea. ❤️🍵

Hi Blueberry,
I relate to what you're saying about different parts having different feelings about FOO - I experience that too, and I've been noticing that Adult me can tap into some anger now - which wasn't possible before - and I can see that Adult you is also doing that.  I think that is progress - a release of what is for many people a normal emotion - I'm thinking aloud here but just wanted to say I relate to what you're saying, and I would like to send you a hug of support  :hug: and hope that is ok.
Hope  :)

Thanks 3R and Hope  :hug:

It's actually a public and religious holiday here today. Going to church and singing actually helped me and then in the late afternoon I had an invitation to play board games with a few women I know. That did me good as well, just to get out and go and do something else. I feel a bit detached from what I wrote earlier. I think that's good. It doesn't have to follow me around all the time.

I noticed you've been going through a tough spot too recently, Hope, but also with lots of progress and new ideas.  :hug: of support back to you.

Hi Blueberry. I wanted to say I'm thinking of you and it is a lot that you've got going on. Glad you got some time out for some board games with friends. And I'm glad you got a reprieve from thinking about the difficult FOO dynamic. I wanted to say your strength and courage with dealing with that has inspired me to start to look at some of my own dynamic with my FOO.

Anyway, I hope you have a peaceful, restful evening.

Thank you MoonBeam for your caring words :)  :hug:

I'm also glad that what I wrote is useful for you too. I know shame is not a healthy reaction, but I do sometimes feel ashamed of writing so much. So then I'm glad that some of it is of use for others.

I have so much stuff piling up needing to be done :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

I feel as if I'm floundering about with my work, just getting by, only just.

Sending lots of support, Blueberry. It sounds like there is so much going on  :hug: :hug: for me being at a distance from my Foo is good (I do still have contact with them), but my true abusers have not been in contact with me in like 6 years so it helps. It is not possible in all cases to do that.

I also get the different parts wanting contact or getting angry. I have a younger version of me that wants nothing more than to confess everything to M and be home with my Foo where I could see my niece etc...

I am sending you lots of love and support, also lots of luck with whatever work things are being difficult for you today :bighug:

Thank you so much, Elpha! I can feel the support.

There's part of me too that would most like to say to FOO especially my parents "OK, you win, I'm coming back" and to give up my present stance. But I know nothing will change in FOO so for the sake of my own sanity and general well-being, I go steadily more VLC.

I am so glad you can feel the support  ;D It is always there when you need it. I am glad you are firm in you LC with you Foo, it sounds much healthier. I have LC with mine, although probably a bit more than most LC and it works wonderfully tbh. I get the desire to change that and then remember why I left in the first place.

Quote from: Elphanigh on June 25, 2019, 02:19:15 PM
I get the desire to change that and then remember why I left in the first place.

Sounds familiar. I've been feeling guilty off and on since yesterday, then I remember that Guilt is the G in FOG and the plan is to move out of the FOG, out of the Fear Obligation Guilt.

__________________________

I was meant to go to choir practice this evening but didn't in the end, did a couple of jobs in the garden and apartment instead, intending to go to choir practice just before the end to at least hand in some papers, but then I read somewhere that they're having a social evening after practice today. When I don't want to stay for the social event, people always persuade me to after all because I find it too much struggle enforcing my desire of "Thanks but I don't want to tonight." They mean well but my conditioning tells me it's rude to turn down. It's rude to say "No" and so I aquiesce instead of blowing a minor fuse. In my feelings or maybe even in my Toolbox (in this kind of case), there's no in-between.

I have a long backlog of things that need to be done. Bit by bit, email by email, phone call by phone call, I'm getting them done. In between the 'bits', I need a lot of down time to not do much at all.

Blueberry-

Not sure where I have been, but I didn't even know that FOG was an acronym.  Thanks for educating me, and good job remaining aware of your boundaries in tricky situations.

maybe you haven't been at OutofTheFog ;)   STORM afaik is not an acronym, so why would someone not on OOTF think of acronyms?

We're having a bit of a heatwave which isn't easy for me. My head feels as if it's full of cotton wool.

Here's to finding practical uses for the cotton wool :hug:

The cotton wool effect is no longer so noticeable. Maybe it wasn't because of the heat after all?

A reminder today that I'm no longer feeling the effects of my little accident. Important to note. Yes other things have turned up since then. Seem to be feeling really tired for other reasons, e.g. maybe FOO contact again. To me rather than from me.

But at least I'm no longer feeling really under the weather due to the accident! Today I noticed on my own without the reminder that I'm walking better again. My knee is bothering me less. It just took a little time to heal. I tend to worry that it's something really bad. I think that's generally called catastrophising but I don't do it actively. I genuinely don't know if a particular injury or tick bite or illness is going to be catastrophic or not. EF undoubtedly.

Anyway, that's enough for today. I need to sort out a few things irl.

you know, personally, i don't think that's necessarily catastrophising.  sometimes we don't really know what something might mean, but it could actually be something very bad.  there have been times when i didn't know what certain changes might be meaning for me.  my ncD once told me to quit complaining, i was just getting old.  i told her that i'd never been that age before, so i really didn't know what it could be or what to expect.  i still believe that.  i don't know, either, if that's automatically in the EF category.  it may just be a natural response to the unknown.

i'm just glad you're feeling better.  accidents can knock us off balance in more ways than one. 

i did love the FOG acronym - had never heard it before.  it makes sense, tho.  very handy to keep in mind.

sending love and a hug full of healing, sweetie.  keep taking care of you, ok?

I have been reading on here for a long time. I was reading parts of my previous Journal particularly from about a year ago to see what sort of things were going on at that time in my healing. I've come away realising that I have made progress in all sorts of little ways. I now feel calmer and also a bit more motivated to get on with a couple of things I had planned for today. I have done quite a few things already, especially housework. It was long overdue.

i'm glad for you, blueberry, that you're able to see that progress for and in yourself.  i think it can sometimes get lost in the day to day stuff.  good for you!  sending love and  :hug:

Yes, you're right san. It gets lost in the day-to-day.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 01, 2019, 04:01:40 PM
I've come away realising that I have made progress in all sorts of little ways. I now feel calmer and also a bit more motivated to get on with a couple of things I had planned for today. I have done quite a few things already, especially housework. It was long overdue.

:cheer:  This is great, Blueberry. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 29, 2019, 11:13:14 PM
you know, personally, i don't think that's necessarily catastrophising.    i don't know, either, if that's automatically in the EF category.  it may just be a natural response to the unknown.

It wasn't clear from my post but I meant with the mention of catastrophising that in mainstream, non-trauma-informed T, people tend to say you're catastrophising in that kind of case (ime anyway) but I don't think it is in my case here.

I was thinking EF because I hear parental voices in my head and they are catastrophising in a sort of: "you've done a really dumb thing so now you're going to suffer physically for the rest of your life" from both parents and M adding "and it's your own stupid fault". Mostly they weren't even correct in their forecast. Mostly?!? I actually can't think of a time they were.

 :hug:

Thank you, Hope for your validation and hugs and cheers  :hug: You too, Tee, for your hugs.

__________________________

I wrote a lot over on Today I Achieved https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11363.msg88674#new

The almost visceral feeling of withdrawing into myself and wanting to disappear into bed, and then deciding not to but instead 'do one more window' and then see was interesting. I then had the energy and motivation to do all my windows and mirrors. It wasn't much of a struggle to keep going whereas in the past it has been. Or often I couldn't keep going, or if I forced myself to, I'd get ill.

I slept really well last night. Working part of the day outside in the heat can do that to you ;) and then I was doing strenuous work inside later. By the end, I was working really slowly but I got it done. Today I continued (that was all at the farm) then I did need some downtime when I got home. But then I was able to get on with some jobs at home and run some errands around town, which was all good.

At the farm I notice that with one particular job I often do there, though I'm not the only one by any means, I notice that I'm getting more and more experienced and better able to judge when to change certain things and replace others. :) I feel good about that. I can remember along time ago at work in my own profession, I was frightened to make a change in case it was wrong. Even when I knew it was right, I was still worried somebody would notice I'd done it. Now at the farm it was perfectly OK for one of the more permanent people to exclaim "Wow, Blueberry! You're going the whole hog today!" He, and others, will be happy that I just do something that needs to be done, without asking. About some things it's good to ask, but also good to be able to judge when I should ask and when I can just go ahead.

With a childhood like mine, where whatever I decided seemed to be wrong and was met with haranguing and terrible verbal / emotional / psychological abuse, it's no surprise to me that acting according to my own judgement is so hard. I've understood the connection for a long time, but now there are real healing steps going on! :cheer:

Quite likely they are connected to that work I was doing in T last time: finally managing to say with feeling and not just with my head that I suffered appallingly bad emotional abuse as a child. Being able to really, really believe that means FOO is disappearing further into the background and the imprint of the FOO of my childhood is losing its influence over my present day life. I feel more empowered, and better grounded. :) :cheer:

That's awesome Blueberry in so glad you are finding some healing from you hurt.  I'm sorry your childhood seems to be similar to mine I guess that at least gives me some hope that I'll find healing at some point too.  Anyway when I don't have words I figure at least a hug shows in here for you.  Hope you have a good evening. :hug:

Blueberry,
Really getting how bad the abuse was is very significant. For me, believing my memories more has been important.
Fantastic that you are able to know what needs to be done and follow through without a lot of (or any?) fear.  That is a really big deal.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Thank you notalone! Yes, it seems to be a very significant development. Now all I have to do is the same for CPA and CSA :disappear: and I'll be healed. However I know it all takes time and the time for them will come when I'm ready. Also I assume that I'm still absorbing all the beneficial effects of this big realisation and turning them into constructive steps in daily life. That not only should take priority, it probably needs to even so I have more stability before I breach CPA / CSA. I know what happened. I didn't suppress most of it ever. But really grasping with my emotions instead of just with my head that those two were actually abuse - well, that will take some more time.

Argh! As other mbrs have mentioned recently, it's hard to be patient and allow healing to take the time it needs.

Quote from: Tee on July 06, 2019, 08:50:12 PM
That's awesome Blueberry in so glad you are finding some heading from you hurt.  I'm sorry your childhood seems to be similar to mine I guess that at least gives me some hope that I'll find heading at some point too.  Anyway when I don't have words I figure at least a hug shows in here for you.  Hope you have a good evening. :hug:

Thank you Tee. Hugs are great! I'm rather a wordy person :whistling: but not everybody has to be so on here. Not having words is common on here. You're not alone. I don't always have words either.

I made myself a proper and healthy dinner tonight, which is not always the case by any means. It takes me a long time and sometimes it really exhausts me too. I can imagine why that might be (connected to past, of course). In fact just being willing to cook using 3 pots tonight instead of everything in 1 shows me that I'm moving forwards again.

So preparing a meal takes a long time, longer than it 'should'. Oh that 'should' word again that's hardly ever good for me and certainly not here. I presume there's some low-level EF going on the whole time. In fact Pete Walker mentions something similar in one of his books. So I'm not even alone with this.

Another sign that I'm moving forwards again is that I'm able to do several tasks and other activities in one day. Even when I notice my energy flowing away at the mere thought of doing a particular activity, I've been able to go through with it anyway and not lose my energy (like when I was washing windows) or I've decided not to do the activity in question (like reinstalling something of mine the painters removed from the outside wall) but instead of giving up and zoning out, going back to bed etc., I've got on with something else.

Today after months, I was finally back playing keyboard and practising hymns for choir and just for my own enjoyment. I'm back to using more of my senses again instead of just cognitive activities. I also did some throwing out. Always a good sign when I have an impulse to do that!

A few weeks ago my psych doc recommended very strongly that I put up my dosage of Citalopram. I had been on a very low dosage for a while and at the time I had an appointment I was feeling very low and unmotivated. Although I got back on my feet before the increased dosage could have taken effect, I'm considering that it could be helping me stay upright atm. I'm sure it's not working all by itself but in combination with the work I've been doing in T, especially with expressing that I was subject to appallingly bad emotional abuse by parents and one B while growing up.

 :cheer: :cheer: good for you Blueberry keep moving forward! :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on July 07, 2019, 08:22:56 PM
Today after months, I was finally back playing keyboard and practising hymns for choir and just for my own enjoyment. I'm back to using more of my senses again instead of just cognitive activities. I also did some throwing out. Always a good sign when I have an impulse to do that!

:cheer: :whistling:

 :applause:

Thanks everybody! Today started out well but then sank into a down day for whatever reason. Maybe connected to ICr. the way 3R wrote in her Journal today, maybe just because a recent incident with FOO flitted through my head a few hours ago. Inner head is nodding. I turned to my bad compensation mechanism no. 3 (behind eating issues and the SH I most commonly write about). I haven't succumbed to b.c.m. no. 3 for what seems like ages. Eating issues and my hair SH were compensation methods for multiple triggers, b.c.m. no. 3 only for very select ones when I was growing up and even now too.

So yeah both Bs and the action of one of them flitted through my head. There's one - the father of my goddaughter - who sometimes sends family pics though I actually especially expressed interest in ones of my goddaughter. So the latest he sent was of himself, the other B and the niece who isn't my goddaughter. It took me a few days but then I deleted it :applause: but it's still in my head.

I remember another mbr on here pointing out that FOO mbrs you're LC with might end up sending you less and less of what you've asked for, more of what you haven't asked for and doing it in a way that's unkind, cruel even, and stringing you along. So that's what I thought of. I don't need to keep a pic I don't want, that's three-quarters both Bs grinning with a comment attached that's hurtful to me, even if the sender quite possibly didn't intend it to be so. So deleting was certainly a step forward :applause: :cheer: Maybe I needed to make that more obvious to my Inners at the time? Again the Inner head is nodding.

I realised on the way to the computer that it would be beneficial to do a round or three of EFT on succumbing to b.c.m. no. 3 so I will do that later on.

Before I even had an impulse to do b.c.m. no. 3, 'something' persuaded me it would be a good idea to go back to bed.  Originally for an hour, it turned into hours. I don't always need to know what 'something' was immediately. The answer might rise to the surface within a few days. It might be connected to what 3R wrote about on her Journal, except I don't feel fear, I don't feel anything. Undoubtedly something hiding behind that 'feeling nothing' but it might not be fear in my case. It doesn't have to be I'm sure.

Good steps forward. Hugs Blueberry. :hug:

QuoteSo deleting was certainly a step forward :applause: :cheer:

I'll join you in the  :applause: and :cheer:!

It's so interesting - my journal entry was inspired by someone else's journal entry! It rattled around in my head for days like a pebble in a tin can - I thought of responding to that post so today I got out my books - then I went "Oh!" and saw that I hadn't really been preoccupied by that post, but what it had awakened in me.

It's beautiful how we all support, encourage, challenge and stimulate each other here by what we share! ❤️  Like teamwork, or a symphony orchestra, we each play a vital role.

well, 3r certainly played a symphony here with her thoughts - beautiful.  and blueberry, i know i haven't responded recently, but want to let you know that i find the progress you have been making recently is astounding!  well done!   :applause:  i love how what we do can put pieces of our puzzle back into place the correct way.  your work on the farm seems to be opening doors into other avenues of your life, like playing the keyboard and your choir songs.  absolutely wonderful.  i'm so glad for you, i really am.

the idea of feeling the immensity of our realizations about our abuse, rather than, as you said, knowing it in your head, has got to be a key to unlocking some of these doors that have been stuck for us.  i think that's such a huge step you accomplished.  reading what you wrote just feels lighter somehow, like you've shucked a weight that's been clinging to your shoulders.  i think you're amazing.  love always, and a hug full of continued well-being.  :hug:

Thanks Tee, 3R and san!
__________________________

I have a lot to write but when I attempt to my head goes blank. I know then it's too early. Having written that now, I might manage a few things.

I'm eating fairly healthily atm :thumbup: and it's mostly from the farm or picked in my garden :) otoh I'm back to my own brand of SH and I can't even feel why, yet.

I have a lot on my Could list today so here I am reminding myself that it is just that: Could. It isn't Highly Recommended or even Must. I did everything on Highly Rec. That's always a short list, like taking meds and drinking water and even just getting up.

Both today and yesterday late I'm doing better than would have been possible in this sort of state a few months ago. I take longish breaks, but then I get going again. Maybe not on something on my Could list, but some other constructive thing. Gardening was not on my list today but I did some anyway. That's certainly better than going back to bed. But I also did easier things on my Could list like laundry and washing dishes. I also made 2 phone calls to set up appointments, though one of them wasn't on my Could list on paper, just in my head. Not being on paper means I was denying myself the opportunity to go through with the task though I do feel a big impulse to get on with it. Sure there are other things that are more important and much more self-care oriented (like getting new glasses) but for whatever reason I'm not getting on with it. It's probably just too big a step atm.

I feel generally better grounded in my body atm. That's undoubtedly connected to my pulling back more and more from FOO.

I had Little Furries to stay for 6 weeks while their Person was inpatient. Little Furries ended up with a couple of medical problems and I had to take them to the vet's twice and also administer medicine myself at home. I did manage, but it was stressful for me. Way back, when self-care was really, really difficult for me, I cared as best I could for my own Little Furries. Self-care taboo (thanks FOO) but looking after pets OK, to a point anyway. Now that I'm managing more self-care, I don't have the energy to care for Little Furries adequately over a long period of time. Six weeks was pushing it, but I managed. I do miss the Little Furries a bit, but I don't miss the work. I have wondered sometimes if I could hack having my own Little Furries again. This last stint tells me: No. Though I will probably pet-sit again.

A good thing: I persuaded myself to go to choir practice yesterday though I was considering not going. But I did go and it did me good.

An annoying thing: This time last year I was stressed out by my landlord and I am again now, though it's not even the same landlord. My semi-automatic internal reaction is: 'it must be my fault. I'm not waiting patiently enough, I'm expecting too much. I don't want to annoy him. He might take revenge in another way.  I want to stay on the good side of him.'

I had an appointment at my psycho doc's this morning and he was trying to persuade me to send a letter saying: if this plumbing problem isn't dealt with in 10 days, I'm reducing my rent payment. That's actually standard procedure here, but me:  :spooked: :spooked:  + my fear of the person taking revenge in some other form. That's a FOO tactic - taking revenge.
Even though I belong to a Tenants' Rights Association, I'm hesitant to contact them too in case I'm too much, in case I seem to come with too many problems. Though that's what they're there for!! I also pay an annual fee, though not very much. Being a member I know what my rights are actually, but enforcing them  :spooked:

All my bad coping mechanisms were making themselves felt yesterday. I gave into eating, for which I even had to buy something. Plenty of time to decide not to. However I decided to do so. I picked out several items in fact. One I put back in exchange for a word puzzle magazine, so I at least reduced my addiction food intake.

Oh Blueberry you can do it you have the right to have your needs to be taken care of.  Hugs I hope the landlord fixes your problem soon. :grouphug:

Thank you Tee. It doesn't look that way though, as if the ll is going to fix anything soon. And actually it's very very difficult for me to make contact, stick to my rights etc. without feeling like a pain, as if I'm bothering them too often. Then that shows in my voice.

I feel today as if everybody's trampling over my boundaries atm and also that it is just so strenuous for me to keep sticking up for myself. 

Partly that makes me mad  :pissed: :pissed:  :blowup:

Partly it shows me I actually need to stand my ground and/or state my boundaries and stick to them way earlier. It means not making exceptions like "this student was a little late, but I have time so I'll give them the extra 5 minutes at the end". No. I have to show them I mean business and send them out at the normal time.

I remember the swimming pool walls analogy. Here it is: http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911

o, blueberry, i remember the ll stuff from last year - so sorry you're going thru it again.  i hope you find a way to get what you need (i know that feeling of revenge - i've even had it with docs, like if i tell them what i see is going wrong, they'll somehow not treat me correctly!)  so, yeah, not a fun feeling at all.
i know you're not a pain for getting done what's due you, tho.  i also know how it can feel that way.

when i last had clients, i was able to address that lateness thing, altho i'd also let it slide several times.  i told her that it was disrespectful to be late.  it was something she'd never thought of, so it gave her some new insight.  i don't know the pool example, but i do know that we are always giving messages to others who do these kinds of things to us, especially that's it's ok to disrespect us, or that their 'time' is more important than ours.  it can be a hard one to break, for sure.

best to you, blueberry, on getting through this.  sending love and a hug full of support for your boundaries and strength to implement them.

Dear Blueberry, I'm supporting you in spirit! You deserve to have access to the things you pay for, whether or not anyone thinks you're a "pain". If ll doesn't want to be bothered by this issue then they need to fix it. That would be in their best interest, a form of self care - attending to their responsibilities and doing their job. By their dropping of the ball, so to speak, they have invited attention and pressure upon themselves. Just my opinion. 😉

You're right there 3R.

While looking for the swimming pool walls analogy, I saw something like if you have access to healthy Fight modus you're more likely to be able to look after your boundaries, set limits etc. I suppose healthy Fight modus is missing again in my life.

One thing my T said at my last appointment: the thing that really stands out and marks me as 'not quite healthy' is that I even think about all this stuff and question my own actions of setting limits and sticking up for myself etc. Non-traumatised people or presumably those much further along in healing set a limit or show their boundary and that's it. It's over and done with. They don't continuously wonder whether they acted wrongly and they're not ashamed of acting.

That's presumably why people tell us to "get over it" because they get over minor stuff in that they don't second guess themselves and tie themselves in knots. I don't mean to say they're right in telling us to "get over it" but that's how they can operate.

My psych doc agrees with me that I should try for another round of T sessions. Idk how many it would be. Maybe 20 or 25, but I'd certainly be able to have T more often than 2-3 times per quarter. Maybe twice a month. Certainly something to discuss with my therapist next week.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 12, 2019, 01:43:36 PM
o, blueberry, i remember the ll stuff from last year - so sorry you're going thru it again.  i hope you find a way to get what you need (i know that feeling of revenge - i've even had it with docs, like if i tell them what i see is going wrong, they'll somehow not treat me correctly!)  so, yeah, not a fun feeling at all.
i know you're not a pain for getting done what's due you, tho.  i also know how it can feel that way.

You remember? Wow. We've had a new ll since about February. I'm sorry that your experience has led you to understand all this stuff too. otoh it's helpful for me that you do understand. It's not fun. I'm likely to wait for my next T appointment to tackle it.

Meanwhile I have been getting on with other important things like I desperately needed new glasses and I saw about that today. I even managed to get a price reduction on the frames ;D  There are always decisions to make when getting new glasses and I dealt well with those decisions. Didn't hum and haw too long.

I also needed a new bike helmet since my other one had developed a crack. At the bike shop I managed to say my criteria and decide in 5 minutes flat, which is really good by my standards.

Today I went to a games evening I sometimes go to. That was fun even though I got kind of dopey by the end. But still I noticed how good it was to go out and do something sociable, fun and where there are no large consequences if I make the 'wrong' decision. So I didn't win the game. So what? Problems with ll, FOO and a number of other topics nagging away in my head disappeared out of it for a while. That does a lot of good! :yes:

that makes total sense to me about not second-guessing ourselves when it comes to having and holding boundaries as something that happens when we're quite healthy.  the one boundary i had w/ my hubs was not to hit me.  when i told them, i had it in my eyes that i would not tolerate that, and never backed down from that, and never got hit.  emotional boundaries, however, were another story.  there i was stepped on, stomped on, crossed and re-crossed too many times to count, no matter how i stated how i felt.  i suppose that came from the fact that i didn't really suffer much PA as a child, while my emot. boundaries were unknown.  weird how that works.

good for you for getting your glasses, frames, etc. so efficiently.  and i'm really glad you had a good time playing.  i think it's wonderful to find that kind of environment where you can just be and not have to be afraid of exactly that. 

i remember when you had those problems with the stuff from other tenants in the hallway, and that was supposed to be taken care of by your ll, and you'd have to haul or clean up the mess.  or, am i not remembering correctly?  anyway, i know you were having problems before.  that feeling, tho, that you described is definitely not fun, i completely agree w/ you on that.  i do hope you can find your way thru it.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  even if you don't think so, you totally deserve it.  sending love and a hug filled w/ boundary confidence. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 12, 2019, 10:13:14 PM
i remember when you had those problems with the stuff from other tenants in the hallway, and that was supposed to be taken care of by your ll, and you'd have to haul or clean up the mess.  or, am i not remembering correctly? 

Yes, you are remembering correctly. There was also the problem that my ll agreed to lower my rent on my office but it took me about 3 months to actually get him to tell me by how much he was lowering it. It just seems so needless to tell your tenant(s) "yes, yes" and then take months to really act on it. The new ll told me the first time he came by to check out some problems including plumbing that if there any problems like that, just tell him, he'll deal with them or get them dealt with. Doesn't actually seem that way. For me, it's just so stressful trying to deal with it and being put off again and again. The stress makes me feel exhausted.

Hi Blueberry,
Stress is exhausting - sending you a hug of support  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug: hope things are getting better!

Just curious what kinds of games do you like?  There's a game group around where I'm from too, been a while since I've had time or energy to go but. I like games. :hug:

On Thursday I did discuss this topic https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=10217.msg86789#msg86789 with at least some of the relevant people.

Somebody asked that next time I (or anybody else) does xy, then please communicate it first to everybody. That gave me the courage to mention that I thought there had been a few communication problems recently. I and another woman (one of my supporters that other evening) mentioned a few situations. One of the guys who had chiefly been withholding information in my eyes did say it was good that we were listing that. It was good to get feedback on how things appeared and maybe even were.

Then finally I got up the courage to bring up the occasion from 2 months ago. When I mentioned that I had been really shocked because I'd never noticed a male mbrs putting female mbrs down or treating with contempt, one of the men snorted and sighed, another smirked. I objected to both of their behaviours but Chief Withholder of Information also took my part there by telling Snorter/Sigher that that had obviously been my impression so they as a group should listen first. The other guy with the smirk claimed to not be listening at all and to have been thinking about something totally different. Maybe that's even true. Maybe not.

It sounds as if I was partially reacting with amygdala hijacks two months ago and even in my head this time. I'd hear something and automatically interpret it as xy, then realise a few seconds later (this time around) that that's not what was meant. Good I didn't react to it then!

Snorter/Sigher said at the time he found it amusing that there was such vehement argument going on (whether just from me or others too he didN't make clear). I objected to that too and said so. I don't think it's amusing at all that somebody like me has to argue vehemently.

This Thursday Snorter/Sigher and Chief Withholder of Information explained that there was sensitive information in there that they were both allowed to see because they were working on that particular project; I wasn't working on it so I didn't get to see it. Not that they explained that 2 months ago. That would have been helpful. This time around I said I would've backed down and stopped arguing if they'd said something like "you can't see it now - Data Protection Act etc. - but we'll blot out the sensitive information (which was only a very small part of it) and email it to you next week." But they didn't. 

It wasn't till I read back on here that I realised that I asked them 2 months ago why they couldn't just either show me the information or email it to me in a few days and they didn't answer that at all.

It's good that I've aired the topic and that some other people in the group were willing to actively and fairly listen this time, that in some cases I assume x means y too hastily (so that's something for me to watch out for!)

all this kind of stuff is exhausting, from my point of view.  ll issues, information issues, having to ask time and time again, having to defend yourself - dang, what the heck!  i'm glad, tho, that you found out that sometimes xy means yz, so not to jump too quickly.  i've made that mistake plenty of times myself.  it's a good personal insight, i think, and thanks for bringing it up - good for me to remember as well.

i hope the ll stuff gets fixed quickly and the game-playing ends.  ugh!  love and a supportive hug, blueberry.   :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
I am also sending you love and hugs.  I think that you were brave to air those issues, and talk them through with the people concerned.  That takes a lot to do that, and I think you were brave.
:hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you both for love and hugs  :)

I realised a while after posting that one very positive thing on Thursday was: there were no winners and losers which is oh so different from in FOO. I suppose it's connected that I didn't feel afterwards that I had better go and never show my face again. I remember last time enF visited me and we had a discussion about something - probably past FOO stuff - it was a huuuuge bit of progress that after the discussion (or argument?) I was able to stay in the room. The air wasn't so loaded and I didn't feel so  ??? intimidated maybe or 'put in my place' or 'in the wrong' that I had to leave the room. I remember telling my T that the following week. See, I don't even know what led me to leave the room all those times before and I don't want to feel back into it now.

san, I don't think the ll stuff will get fixed till I come with a threat. That's very stressful for me, but I need to go through with it. I did a little research and found out that in normal circumstances for the kind of repairs I need doing waiting 2-3 weeks for your ll to really move on it e.g. get a repairman in is considered 'reasonable time' legally. Well, I've been waiting over 2 months so totally unreasonable.

Contacted my ll again this morning. He said he was sorry in a tone of voice that made me think he was just saying that, in a patronising tone of voice. He promised to contact the repairman for him to contact me immediately to arrange date and time of repair. I asked for a precise definition of "immediately" and was told "this morning". Needless to say neither ll nor the repairman have got back to me and the morning is over in a few minutes.  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

Far from me being too aggressive (the way I've been told in the past by FOO and others), when I read my previous emails to ll, they don't strike me as being aggressive at all. More subservient. In the back of my mind while writing them I had these ideas about not demanding too much, the ll has other properties and tenants  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: also about two weeks ago he was sick for a week. But he is also a full-time ll - he owns a property management company. It is his job to deal with problems and not keep stringing me along.

 :applause: good job contacting him.  I hope you have heard something by now.

Good luck with you frustration.  You are worth being heard and taken care of!
:grouphug: :grouphug:

Needless to say my ll has not got back to me, nor has the repairman. I told my ll yesterday that I'm a mbr of the Tenants' Association and was going to contact them if he didn't move on the issue. Apparently that didn't concern him so here I am in for the long slog, having to fight every inch of the way.

I feel duped. Back in May, my ll said if there were any problems just contact him, he'd come and deal. Doesn't seem that way. In fact one thing he said he'd move on he didn't until somebody else in the building contacted him about it and he did it within a day. So I feel like he got the lay of the land from me, sounded me out and decided I'm an inconvenient tenant and he's just going to ignore me. I trusted him. That was wrong.

I don't have my appointment with the Tenants' Association till next week and although I could phone my ll every day this week to remind him, it probably won't help at all. Will probably just frustrate me more.

You could call him and tell him if he doesn't fix it then you will have it fix take the cost out of your rent. And will submit the receipt instead of rent this month since you have waited so long to have it fixed.

That's roughly what my psych doc recommended - just lowering the rent. The problem is that the general legal recommendation would be to discuss that with an expert. I don't have an appointment for that till next week. The other problem is: it's easy to suggest this kind of thing but if the effort of carrying out the suggestion catapults me into a huge EF, it might not be worth it. I might manage it but only by doing a whole load of SH or other unhealthy coping skills.

The plumber did get back to me later on today and he is coming tomorrow afternoon, probably, if he can find time. Now I feel a bit of shame, a bit of 'I should have given ll till today. Now I look unreasonable and stupid'. But the voices saying that are pretty quiet. ICr. is pretty weak today.

i'm glad to hear that voice is relatively quiet today.  may i just reiterate, you have nothing to feel ashamed of.  this has been a hassle.

supporting you all the way, blueberry.  love and hugs.

Hi Blueberry,
I am also supporting you.  It's horrible that you've had that hassle, and I think it's good that you tried to get things sorted by communicating with your ll.  I am glad that the plumber has made contact and that he'll be coming around to fix it.  I hope that it will be fixed quickly. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks san and Hope for your support.  :hug:  That helps me keep that ICr voice quiet.

I'm glad it's going to be fixed soon hopefully.   :hug: You have nothing to be ashamed. :grouphug:

Hi Blueberry, just would like to say it sounds like you have taken matters in hand and dealt with them, you have taken responsibility. Your II hasn't, despite having every opportunity to do so and it being his job! Congrats on calmly dealing with the situation.

Thank you SandB. I was at therapy this morning and my T pointed out that I got somewhere with ll, so it's not like with FOO where I can bang my head on the wall ad nauseam but nothing changes, nobody cares. My ll is of the kind who needs reminders and then pressure, but he does eventually act, as I saw today. In fact I just came home this evening to find he'd progressed further and put most of my shutters back up. The new paint isn't quite dry meaning that was done today as well instead of weeks ago.

So I know for myself I have to threaten with having an appointment at the Tenants' Association before so much time goes by. I'm also noting that I need to watch the way I describe situations myself, so not "I always have to fight and nobody pays attention anyway" but "I threatened my ll with legal repercussions and he acted immediately." I was successful, it worked!! You're right too SandB that I dealt calmly, I didn't blow a fuse or anything like it.

Thanks Tee for validating that I don't need to feel shame about any of this.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for it getting fixed!

:applause: :applause:
I'm glad he finally got in gear and you now know what you need to do next time to make it happen more quickly with less mental strain on you? Good job proud of you! :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on July 17, 2019, 03:33:38 PMI'm also noting that I need to watch the way I describe situations myself, so not "I always have to fight and nobody pays attention anyway" but "I threatened my ll with legal repercussions and he acted immediately." I was successful, it worked!!

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause: :applause: :applause: ♥️♥️♥️

  :yeahthat:
:applause:  :) :thumbup: :thumbup:  :)

Thanks everybody  :) :) It's good to re-read that I don't need to be ashamed! Validation helps me.

My GP has mentioned quite a few times over the years that being careful and precise with language is important. You could say "don't overdramatise" though that's not what he said because he is very careful and precise at least when speaking to me. I suppose he has noticed over the years that individual words or just turn of phrase or even tone of voice triggers me. So it's important not to use "overdramatise" because that hasn't been my purpose. It's more this catastrophising I mentioned somewhere further up. FOO tended to catastrophise about certain things "If you continue to eat this much Blueberry you'll get fat." I did continue, I didn't get fat. I thought I got fat though and was self-conscious, ashamed and self-critical for about 3 decades. So the overdramatising is an ICr., the voices of FOO, it's not really me.

Even "I have to fight and nobody pays attention anyway" is a FOO-ism they projected onto me. B1 would say: "you're always fighting with everyone and who cares what you say anyway". And it has finally come clear to me in my emotions that even now in FOO I have to fight to be really heard but nobody cares too much what I say or what I feel. Certainly not when it comes to the crunch, when somebody else might have to back down, change their behaviour, or relinquish something to me. I still feel I have to fight in a lot of situations but it's not usually the same as in FOO anymore because eventually someone pays attention.

 :hug:

Thanks Tee. :hug:  Just now I started a new Journal but I may keep this one running a bit too. I will see.

 :hug:

I think I will continue to use this Journal a bit too e.g. when the steps I'm mentioning in the other one lead me to memories or certain long-winded conclusions :whistling:

So today after my interactions and garbage discussion with my neighbour, I realised it was quite a big step forward. I was doing to my neighbour what other neighbours have consistently done to me despite the fact that it's not my usual way of dealing with problems. It may not be my usual way partly because I don't think it's right - goes against the grain a bit. Another reason for it certainly not being my usual way is that FOO normally did not allow me to copy their actions. I was not allowed to do to B1 what he did to me. No retaliation allowed. Normally. There were a few strange exceptions. And I was certainly not allowed to treat B2 the way B1 treated me. Not that I generally wanted to, not the vendetta I endured. But it wasn't allowed anyway. Yes, I was scapegoated.

I said 'hello' to my neighbour in passing later on and he returned the greeting. That's also a step for me because in FOO when I was admonished for anything I was usually shown pretty clearly that I was not wanted for the next hours / days and so I took on shame and have carried that up until now. I'd be so ashamed of having defended myself that I wouldn't dare even look at the person I'd stood up to, far less greet them. Not greeting is rather impolite in the country I live in.

Wow, this is awesome! I see how far you've come and what great progress you're making!

That's great Blueberry you are rocking it! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:3 cheers for you! :hug:

Thanks  ;D  :grouphug:

More progress coming today, evolving from the progress yesterday.  :cheer:

I'm gearing up to take over another strip of land in the garden. It's actually a bed that used to be mine that I was ordered to leave in no uncertain terms by a previous tenant because she wanted it. She no longer lives here. I am DONE with people using and taking over my beds, pushing me around, forcing me to replant berry bushes and roses  and other perennial flowers or procure new ones from somewhere.

The following sounds pretty normal for someone without cptsd or even without my particular blend, however:  When I take back this bed, I will relinquish all claims to communal areas of the garden, all attempts to leave them open and free for all, or to retain a couple of clumps of perennial flowers that have always been in a particular spot. This will be a lot less stressful for me, as well as for the other keenest gardner. It means others can fight and argue with her or do without much garden space, but what I won't allow is that they come in and take over my space or use it to dump their garbage (including cig stubs and used paint) in.  If they want more space, they're going to have to make it - there is more space but clearing it would involve work. I have done this type of work bit by bit over and over again and it is somebody else's turn!

What I have been doing bit by bit since yesterday is sorting through the contents of the communal garden compost heap and moving or discarding. Discarding stones, old broken tiles, bits of brick, cables etc, also branches and roots that'll take too long to compost. But some of it is fairly good compost which I'm using to improve my own beds and quite a lot is not quite finished composting which I've been putting in my own composter. But the rest of the mess down there: somebody else can deal. The new ll objected to compost being against the back wall. OK, then he needs to ensure that nobody adds more to the pile I'm depleting! Not my job. Not my job. Not my job. Reminding myself more than anything because of course I learned this behaviour in FOO as survival mode, nothing to do with gardening. Some scapegoat activity involving taking on others' burdens that I don't want to feel into atm.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause: enjoy your space! :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on July 21, 2019, 11:20:53 AM
Not my job. Not my job. Not my job.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

QuoteI have done this type of work bit by bit over and over again and it is somebody else's turn!

👍💪 I hear a Warrior awakening in you, and I love it!!

 :yeahthat:

just a big WOW!!!  you go, girl!  i feel smiles popping out all over!  love and a hug filled w/ clean compost!   :hug:

I'm so happy for you and your gardening space!!  :cheer: :hug:

When reading your post a while ago, san, I felt smiles popping out everywhere but now I'm feeling tired and low.

I spent a few days thinking off and on about what to do with flying monkey from enF. I'd just sort of got over it and was thinking of responding sometime with "when you go over my stated boundaries, I withdraw further" but not immediately because I don't anymore with FOO. I do it when I can and don't leap up and act on the spot anymore. But enF sent  :hoovering: :hoovering:

Now I'm hovering between annoyed / angered and the age-old FOO stance of "poor elderly father who tries soooo hard with Difficult Blueberry".

Yesterday I had a bit of an argument with a friend though that's been brewing for a while. Here too I'm hovering: between 'Congratulations Self! :cheer:" and that stuff I heard from FOO about how useless I am for not having friends with whom I bond so well that there's never need to discuss or even argue. I imagine that most often happens when somebody's stuck in the Scapegoat role. I'm done with SG.

This is more of a vent than anything else because of feeling incapable of moving forwards these past couple of days.

I'm my experience healthy relationship have disagreements like you said. You can't agree on everything. Being able to disagree hash it out and move beyond it is the test of the friendship.   :hug:. I hope you are able to move past the difference to a better place. Hope the venting helped we all need that too. Standing here for with you. :hug:

Quote from: Tee on July 26, 2019, 04:17:48 PM
I'm my experience healthy relationship have disagreements like you said. You can't agree on everything. Being able to disagree hash it out and move beyond it is the test of the friendship.   

I'm beginning to learn that that is true, but it's hard having grown up in a FOO where disagreement was only permitted in certain situations. Even trying to think what those situations were is triggering me a bit. My head has gone all foggy.  Disagreeing feels dangerous. It often led to emotional abuse and sometimes physical, as well as emotional neglect and temporary abandonment when I was growing up, so not surprising.

Yes, venting was useful  :) in this case.

I'm doing just about everything to avoid getting on with some work I have to have completed in 24 hours or less. Maybe because I did some moderating and responding a few hours ago but didn't write much of what's being going on in my life in the last few days?

 :hug: I get that I still get triggered to because in my Foo it was the same.  I've also lost several people I thought were friends during misunderstanding which increased the abandonment issue for me. Hugs is does get better as you find your footing and friends that will stick by you. :hug:

Take care of you. Good luck getting your work done. 

I haven't written much about me the last few days either. It's hard every time I try it starts a war in my head and just isn't worth the struggle. So I just comment here and there.

I appreciate you Blueberry hope you have a good weekend, and are successful in completing you work. :hug:

hey, blueberry,

it seems to me that two independently healthy people will have to face conflict from time to time.  none of us have the same life experiences, so none of us have the same life perspective, perceptions, boundaries, or worldviews.  even here on the forum, people disagree with each other.  but, i've seen these same people being able to discuss it, work thru it, and still remain respectful and supportive.  i now look for that in the real world, which has caused me to extract myself from harmful and unhealthy relationships (of which there were many).

i hope you can continue to fight those old FOO messages, and trust the healthier ones you've been cultivating.  sending love and a hug filled w/ honesty.   :hug:

I'm not writing much atm because I have a 9 year-old visiting me and I want to spend time with him.

I've noticed when things are going to get too much. e.g. this afternoon I lay on my reclining lawn chair and dozed while he read a book and at the playground while he had a good few active minutes I lay on a huge hammock-like thing and swung slowly to and fro.

I notice how much easier it is for me now with him than last year. It wasn't really hard last year but I got triggered a bit just with him being there and 'under foot' so I worked on not being triggered directly, sometimes while talking to him as well. (Multitasking isn't normally my thing but worked then). Maybe I didn't take adequate breaks during 'under foot' triggering, Idk. Anyway for whatever reason, it's easier.  Added on 12th Aug.: actually the 'under foot' triggering was about 2 years ago. Last year I was very badly triggered and in a real mess.

I also notice that I have next to no desire for anything unhealthy to eat. It doesn't even occur to me to buy sweets or anything. No, as a treat fruit instead or a tasty cucumber. That might not work indefinitely, but for these couple of days, yes. It feels good.

Another thing to do with this situation which occured to me during the retreat: I was out and about on foot in the dark with my little visitor, on the edge of a wood. I felt braver than I normally would've because I wasn't alone. But I told myself that I'd have to protect the child if anybody attacked us, a 9 year old wouldn't be protecting me. That awoke a sort of Mama Bear in me who I don't have for myself. I felt the change in my body as well - the willingness and energy to fight for and protect a child if need be. Whereas on my own I tend to fear and then dissociation in some form or other.

:)  :cheer:

 :cheer: now to hold on to that for you too. :hug:

Thanks Tee  :) Maybe I am holding onto that a bit? I am defending myself and/or setting boundaries in other ways atm.

_________________________

I don't feel I can write this on my Taking Those Concrete Steps journal: I'm  :stars: :stars: :stars:  :spooked: so confused rn. I was moving some posts around and got everything all messed up. It is straightened out now and I did do that myself :cheer: :applause: tho first I thought I'd have to ask Kizzie. At least it's good I didn't have to :)

About something else I'm happy: Got a call from people whose Little Furries I looked after last summer asking if I could do it again, starting in 5 days. I agreed to. I'll enjoy having some around for the final part of the summer holidays :) :)

There's so much stuff today that I didn't do, that I'd intended to. I must have needed the break. But at least 2 items I really should do this evening.

 :yourock:  :yes:

I hadn't seen it that way before, 3R ;) so thanks.
____________________________________________
*** TW death, Darwinism ***

Just another realisation: due to an article in the news a few days ago, it occurred to me once more how callous FOO is. I can see and hear B1 and B2 guffawing in my mind about "survival of the fittest". Despite the fact that a vulnerable person has died. IRL they might not be guffawing about it of course but it is the kind of thing FOO makes inappropriate mocking comments about and it's what I grew up hearing. A disrespect for the lives of others that they see as being beneath them.  :'(

It also got me further in realising what callous is exactly, since I was trying to explain to a non-native speaker the difference between 'callous' and 'unfeeling'. In the context, FOO callous towards me.