I thought I would start a different kind of journal, one that is just my rambling thoughts that go round and round in my head each night, I've been writing these down then deleting them as it helps me sort thru the overload of thoughts and see what's actually going on in my head, I haven't journaled them as they are just rants or random thoughts, some don't make a whole lot of sense so I delete them thinking they are embarrassing but I think it would b good to track, so if your reading enjoy my wonderings but sometimes they may not make too much sense because they are for me.
Your welcome to comment or not, if it helps anyone else than Good stuff I'm happy
Watched utube videos on cptsd with b today and Oi
Then I watched one on bpd it was full on the guy was very anti borderline. in his next video he explained that he was talking about abusive borderlines but he didn't make that very clear
Hmm maybe I should show b that lol
I enjoying job thanks t
Bv good I hope
I was worried about bs reaction to dissociation he didn't talk about it but seemed fine with it
Worried bout being tricked
I need to study bpd more
T says V definetly sounds bpd
i'm just glad you have a place to get these thoughts out of your head. i've heard from people that they often do this kind of thing before they go to bed cuz it helps them sleep knowing the thoughts are tangible, so to speak, and will be there for them to mull over the next day so they don't have to take time from sleep to do so.
keep it up, sweetie. love and hugs.
Good talk today, I did dissociate and b noticed he commented did I lose u ?
He was far more comfortable with it than I would have guessed maybe that video just explained what he's been seeing for yrs and he was like ow yeah that thing she does when she goes away - all these ideas we have about what people think and it can be so different from what's really going on.
Got a bit freaked out today but much better tonight, back is stuffed ,
Started getting angry before and I decided to explore the feeling and lost it all together, don't even remember what I was getting angry about,
One day I'm going to read this and see how I have improved so much
QuoteOne day I'm going to read this and see how I have improved so much
True! :thumbup:
Thanks 3 roses, I had been reading my other journal and realised I've only been journaling for 2 mths and have progressed so far in that time, it's encouraging since it's so easy to focus on the difficulties.
Talked bout work and
B doin fast - I rang I took a new approach not so enabling it was ok
Flashbacks last night - not too bad - was hyper vigilant as well kept startling awake at every sound - I was trying to do a trauma timeline before bed :doh:
I am going to sleep well tonight
Trying 4:7:8 breathing yesterday and today, wonder if that's reducing anxiety, I think so, as well as keeping that morning routine & meditating daily- back almost better -
Sleep well
sleep well, indeed, wb. i'm glad your back is feeling better and that meditation is helping. love and hugs.
9 days with morning routine, worried bout I, :dramaqueen: rang a few times today is hoovering- because I'm not enabling them b is good accepting boundaries with grace - anxiety is way down its just so nice to go through a few days with hardly any anxiety
Talk it out - worried about b and talking a bit strange - feel hopeless and responsible for everything, angry at my behaviour, :aaauuugh: upset at my realisations on Friday about dm- grief-
Ok badly triggered multiple times last 3 days - today b talk of dem badly triggered had to leave - mr popularity triggered me at party - other minor tries - showed stonewalling to bws badly triggered had to leave
It's barely below the surface ready to break thru at the slightest flaw in your self control. One small pebble knocked loose and it gathers momentum down the steep hill knocking other things loose and causing a land slide
Realisation after realisation, I think I've been living with my head firmly in the sand,
I feel like a cigerette so badly, it's hard not to think "it's only a cigerette, u could do a lot worse " no I'm not smoking no no no your doing well
Stupid addictions all over the place
Awareness and mindfulness are helping me see clearly, and I am not sure what to think about all this disfunction around me in others and myself, i can see how truly ill my parents are they have some very serious issues happening, my siblings are both have there own issues and illnesses and I've suddenly realised my husband of 20+ yrs has a mental illness of his own - how haven't I seen this ??? It's so obvious- so many people have told me he is not well mentally but I just put it down to them not understanding him :doh:
I spoke to my daughter today and told her what's going on and she said "ow is he having a manic episode again "
I feel a bit stupid or idiotic,
Ow no! I'm that person living in a fantasy world
Now I'm a bit overwhelmed!
Maybe fantasy world isn't so bad :stars:
Anyway now I need to decide on a course of action to deal with this mess
My poor children (all adults now) had to grow up with a mentally ill father and a totally avoidant mother in full denial
:aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:
We do what we can with what we know at the time. I've had a ton of disheartening realizations about the health of my relationship with H, but I cling to the quote (I think it was Maya Angelou) "When we know better, we do better." You're not responsible for not knowing what you didn't know, not seeing what you didn't see. :hug:
Talked good talk I felt as though I spoke honestly, lovingly, firmly, I didn't take any manipulation, and every time he pulled out a strategy I stopped him pointed out what he was doing until he acknowledged it, ow poor boy I sort of stomped on him, but he really needed to understand that this behaviour would not be tolerated any more, he was reluctant, excusing, gaslighting, minimising, but he did hear me in the End I think unless that was strategy I missed aw well time will tell
Where has all this new found confidence come from- never in my life have I spoken to someone in this way, I feel a bit stunned ha so is he :chestbump: :chestbump:
:cheer:
This week - angry me ? Got angry in therapy today, I have only just realised ! She didn't even say anything! I showed unquestionable anger and just kept talking, I did realise she was a little taken aback, but I thought it was the swearing, :pissed:
I can't believe she never said anything, we've been working on me being able to show or even feel anger all year !
She mustn't have wanted to draw attention to it - perhaps scare me back into the cave ?
Hi Wattlebird, I used to write things down every day on post it notes, notepads etc. I have 3 carrier bags full of them now and one day I plan dispose of them when I can do it safely. My hand writing is terrible but I can still make out what they say if I try and I can remember what I meant by most of them too.
It really helped me get thoughts out of my head by putting them on paper. Sometimes I would think something was mega important then decide later it wasn't or i already knew that. Other times it was the little off the cuff things that had a big impact.
I think what you're doing is a great idea.
Thanks sharpandblunt I really appreciate that, I often feel strange about doing it, but it really seems to work for me too
:thumbup:
Worried about the profound changes this week, I mean there all posative and helpful, but it's been such a big change in character that people are noticing- I'm no longer worried about conflict which was a mortal fear last week, I don't feel guilty when I say no to people, which is huge for me, I have self respect? I'm motivated! I've been badly craving cigarettes all week, but haven't smoked in a year, i honestly feel like a different person but still myself? I am stuck on this issue I'm cautious to say anything as I feel weird about it but I need to get this out of my head
I described this feeling of completeness of fullness of stepping forward of taking control, to my t and she just smiled? I asked her what did she think it was, she said it sounds like psychic integration, I asked ?? She described a repair a reintegration of a split part of myself, at this point I changed the subject as it was sounding a bit DID and I wasn't sure I wanted to go there just yet.
Then last night I realised that throughout therapy yesterday I was displaying anger, this is so completely out of character but I didn't even notice, it was all completely normal for me, I can remember thinking I was being too loud, (thereby disturbing other people in other rooms nearby ) but that was my only concern or thought about it, my t never commented on this either, I feel really unsure as to what is going on but I am quite sure it's posative at least :stars:
I've had a few "experiences" with sensing, hearing, and feeling other "me's" and even having "someone else" blurt things out and/or carry on conversations while the "real me" was 😰😨😳 inside, helpless to "take over".
It's not so much that we are split, but rather that protective barriers have been built within us, walling off the different aspects of our personalities that everyone has. I suppose I see it now as just another sign of how much I've recovered, and not further evidence of my screwed-up-ness. I think becoming aware this is happening is evidence for me that the protective barriers are relaxing, that my different facets can see each other.
Hang in there wattlebird,
It's ok to feel angry sometimes. Blowups happen and I'm sorry you had to go through it when you are taking a break from t. Can you reach out and ask for an appointment while you feel this way?
Sending you support
My t is away on holiday for 2 weeks, but I will talk to a friend tomorrow, just wasn't up to it today
Thanks deep blue
I just want to go back to bed and hide, I have somehow lost that new found confidence I am battling self doubt constantly, maybe just give in, what if I am wrong with my conclusions and I am imposing behaviour like my mother or pushing him away because of my fears of attachment and emotional closeness, I just feel confused and don't know if it was triggered by my t being unavailable and on holiday for 2 weeks- she has been giving me constant notice of this for ages, I am sure because of my tantrum like reaction to her last time off, ( I only realised this as I was leaving and she didn't ask if I was ok to leave which she had done with the last outburst and I felt real annoyance- I examined this and realised my rant was aimed at her not my father, this really sickened me, I was horrified and totally ashamed of myself) now I don't trust my motivation to share stuff, or for my behaviour- I feel like I'm just seeking sympathy and creating situations in which to get it.
I have so much self doubt even about posting now, why have I taken such a nose dive into self doubt is it because I know I'm being deceptive or is it because I have no self love left - is it because I stopped my self care routine? Or I stopped my routine because of self disgust :stars:
Hi Wattlebird,
Battling self-doubt is a hard battle, but I want to send you a supportive and gentle hug :hug: and just say that I hope your day is ok.
Hope :)
Hi Wattlebird, I just wanted to say I sympathise with your feelings and doubts, I recognise them. :hug: from me too, if you want it.
hey, wb,
i get those bouts as well. usually when i've been emotionally disrupted somehow, am tired or sick, or in some way off my game, so to speak. one thing i know is that they eventually pass, and i feel stronger within myself again.
i think just the fact that you are asking those questions is a sure sign that you are not repeating the behaviors of others in the same way they did. you may have acted out of a defense mechanism of some kind, a throwback to a similar situation in your past. i think what's important is that you recognize it for what it is and that way you can learn something about yourself.
sorry this happened while your t isn't available. i'm glad you shared with us, tho. i hope that helped a bit. love and hugs to you, sweetie.
Too many thoughts to sift thru and clear, b has been really great, talk to t Friday address this issue, I have no idea what she'll say, scary.
I'm worried I'll be triggered, but can't hide under a rock all my life, I has been good, t good visiting soon - seeing m Wed ok with that for now, need to meditate more been slack, maybe that should be now since I'm trying to clear my head :yes:
There were two sisters, one was unstable and emotional and the other sane but cold hearted, at first the sisters lived in harmony they were like twins they belonged together like each used there gifts to help each other's lacking and they truly cared for each other, then as they got older they got other friends that didn't need to be helped all the time, they went there own ways, cold hearted lost her emotion and flexibility and emotion lost her rational, they became enemies, bitter enemies.
They will never reconcile - but cold hearted realised her sisters qualities were inside her she had never learnt to use them, she never had to, but somehow to access them she needed to forgive her sister, well here's a dilemma ! What will cold hearted do ? Forgive her sister to gain access to emotion or remain cold and alone?
Wait cold hearted has realised something else if she forgives emotional, emotional will gain rational again, ow dam, now cold hearted is worried, the problem is cold hearted is swayed a lot by logic but there's the risk factor of pain that needs to be taken into account, how does she estimate the likelihood of to much pain?
Forgiving someone doesn't mean you need to reconcile. Forgiving can also be within oneself
Managed triggers better now learning to manage myself and my emotional triggers is all new, I've got a few statergies that seem to work, its hard to get your thoughts to change direction, especially when you are still learning what that emotion is, I learnt to recognise shame, I had to sort that one out with my t, as I was confused, as it triggers an aggressive self defence response in me, but it makes sense, this stuff is doing my head in, I'm up to the chpt on emotions in my dissociation book and just reading the opening paragraph triggered a strong response so I stopped there for now.
Good chat with b tonight, miss him a lot, bs is good I'm still wary but not freaked atm, I spoke to my t about my anxiety over my growing attachment to her and being freaked out that she has been teaching me emotions like a baby gets taught mirroring like a mothers supposed to do, putting her in a mother type role, this is what's freaking me out now I continually equate her with my mother and that's not a very safe feeling, it seems I got very little interaction and didn't learn what my emotions were. So all she did is explain where she thought the anxiety was coming from which I had already worked out but I still don't know how to deal with it, people say you need to address your issues but no one tells u how, anyway I should have been asleep hrs ago just wanted to clear my head
I'm also triggered into a self-defense feeling when I feel shame, or blamed for something. :hug: not fun
Yeah 3roses it's not fun at all, I've been following your journal, seems we have a few characteristics I common, I go "yeah I do that" it has helped me become aware of some unconscious behaviours related to cptsd that I hadn't considered yet, I've been in therapy for 8 mths and it's still all new self discoveries constantly, feel like I've never known myself truly but better late than never.
i hear ya on not knowing myself for ever so long. these new realizations, as they pop up are overwhelming at times, but also help explain a lot. keep up the good work, sweetie. love and hugs.
Trigger Warning SI
I'm feeling all messed up inside, I'm not sure what these feeling even are, there is a lot of pain that keeps hitting me in waves and triggers a self destructive response, I don't know what to do about it, my last therapy session is tomorrow for over a month, I'm worried about the next month or so, I'm feeling abandoned, and sick with grief. I don't see the point in living like this but I also am fighting to stay motivated to recover, but why bother, the only reason is for my kids, i can't abandon them.
I don't want to dump this on my t on her last day before holidays, it feels too manipulative and unfair, I've actually been practicing the coping strategies for distress tolerance and it's been working ok, so I'm going to continue with that stuff, I'm just really triggered atm and don't want to do anything harmful to my recovery, I really feel like hiding for the next month so I don't have to face life alone, I feel bad for expressing how I feel, my self pity is detestable to me.
o, sweetie, to be without your t for a month is a big deal, and is sure to trigger lots of emotional overwhelms in you. i'm just glad you have your kids to focus on to see you thru this rough patch.
that transference thing is very common with therapists/clients. you weren't taught what you needed to know emotionally, and while your t is showing you the way through that maze, she can definitely feel like a mother figure. in essence, she's taking on the responsibility that was your mother's. it's very, very common.
may i encourage you to just take a deep breath, then another. just breathe. it might help to slow down those racing thoughts that are threatening to overwhelm you. and, personally, i don't think it's manipulative to bring up whatever thoughts and feelings you might have with your t. that's what she's there for, to help you navigate these muddy waters.
we will be here for you while your t is away, too. you're not alone, wb. i know it's not the same, but it might be helpful to you to know that. please, take care of you. number one priority. sending love and a hug filled with support.
I've been thinking today how much happier I am seperated from h, i have this underlying anger at him but I'm trying to ignore it till after Christmas, I want a happy Christmas and I think if I start dwelling on why I feel so much happier, I won't contain it for long. (The anger)
I can last a few more days I've been avoiding so long I'm a pro.
Its funny I believed I had no anger toward him,
When I was telling my t about my h's fear of my mothers reaction to the seperation, she said maybe she can be angry at him for you, I thought, I'm not angry with him and now it seems I really am I can feel it but I'm burying it for a few more days.
Actually I'm quite scared of my anger, :pissed: this little emoji always makes my guts curl up, anyway I'm ranting.
Hello Wattlebird,
I'm a pro at hiding my anger away too. At some point the pot boils over... However I can understand wanting to keep the lid on over Christmas. At least the lid on old, old anger. Especially if it frightens you, because then where to get help over Xmas??
:thumbup: on feeling happier, whatever the reasons.
Blueberry
Hi Wattlebird, I am also glad to see that you're feeling happier. That's a good thing. I understand what you say when you mention being scared of your anger - I also feel that way about my own. Infact I think I'm scared of being out of control in anyway, and somehow I fear that being angry causes an 'out of control' feeling - I don't know why that would be scary, but it is. Wishing you a good night's sleep - when the time comes.
I would like to wish you a Happy Christmas - and hope that you enjoy it.
Hope :)
I'm just going to note some things from my dissociation book
Under the sub heading, The influence of parts on each other.
Example used
" while in a store, people with a dissociative disorder may hear an inner voice that says, "get out, get out, it's not safe in here! You have to go home!" Even though they know nothing is wrong. This is more than a wish, but rather a desperate inner voice that comes from another part of the personality that may be visualised as a terrified young child. Perhaps such individuals might hear or sense other inner voices that tell the child part to shut up or that complain about how stupid they are to go shopping because they don't need anything. Such people may feel confused, ashamed, and afraid of what is happening inside themselves and might feel a sense of impending doom, as though something terrible is about to happen. and all the while, they remain aware that they are simply in a store where everyone else is going about their business quite normally." end quote page 27
Bold type inserted
This is the clearest description of my experiences that I've never been able to articulate. I wanted to note it somewhere
Hi Wattlebird, That is a really great example, and I also relate completely to that - in terms of how the experience is. It's good to see it written down like that.
Hope :)
Hello Wattlebird, I have a request to make. Would you please tell me the name and the author of the book you quoted as I think I would like to read it. Many thanks.
SaB
Sure s&b
It's "coping with trauma related dissociation" by Suzanne boon, Kathy Steele and onno van Dee hart
Thank you so much Wattlebird and I belatedly realised I probably shouldn't have asked in your journal so my apologies for that. Thank you.
S.