I had stopped SH for a long while, years actually. I thought it wasnt an issue anymore. Then I was re-traumatized, and it came back. But I had more skills and more things to do in order to fight the impulses. And with help of Lady T, I have been free of all of the various SH for atleast 6 months.
But not anymore. Things are too hard, I struggle so much with using other coping mechanisms.
I am sharing this here, incase it helps me, not doing any SH by talking about it. I hope that's okay.
:bighug:
Dearest Sceal. I'm sitting with you in this.
Of course it's okay Sceal - here to listen :hug:
Sitting with you too Sceal.
Thank you so much you guys.
I fought the fight today, and I won today's battle. But I know tomorrow will be another one, and the weekend especially. The war isn't over, but I won today. :cheer:
Sweet Sceal
That's great! :applause: No judgement either way from me. You are so strong.... hmm (pretend it's a muscle emoticon)
TRIGGER WARNING
I had a lengthy talk with my GP today about SH. I told her that it's starting to pick up again, and she wants me to think about next time the reasons FOR doing it, and the reasons AGAINST doing it. I told her that the list on the for side is usually longer and more intense. I only got on on the against, and it's such a long term thing. It's that as long as I SH I will keep attacking my body and I will keep my self-hatred and resent fester and grow stronger, and it'll prevent me from recovering. From healing. So it is a big Against. But it's so far off, and I don't see the affects at all.
She tried to tell me that scarring and worst case scenarios of infection to the heart and amputation should also be on my against list. I have enough medical training to treat myself to prevent that from happening, and I do know when to seek professional help, so it's not really my concern. She understood, but she still told me she felt it was hard to hear that I'm at this stage now. She wants to admit me to the hospital, but I told her it wont be helpful at this stage.
But I trust her, so I will attempt to think for and against when I'm standing there at the edge. And hopefully I'll see her before me, and I'll do my best to stop.. to well, please her. Or to have her be proud of me. It's something.
Sweet Sceal,
I'm so sorry. My GP doesn't know I SH. I cover it up when I'm there.
Why did she want to admit you to the hospital? Was it for SH or for your mental health?
I'm glad you said your piece and that it would not be helpful to you at this stage. Sending you the strength I have.
:hug:
Sceal maybe it would be helpful to talk in your posts about the self-hatred you feel and whether you truly do deserve to think that way about yourself. Are you really the horrible person you think you are when you're triggered or does your perpetrator deserve that judgement?
The other thing I thought of when I read your post is that if you had safe ways to direct your anger outward instead of inward it might help? It's something you could talk about with your T - ways of doing so that are not harmful to anyone or yourself but help direct the anger where it should go and release it.
You just don't deserve to hate yourself Sceal, whomever traumatized you needs to be held accountable if not directly, emotionally inside you at least. :hug: :hug: :hug:
:yeahthat: :hug:
Thank you for your thoughts Three Roses! :hug:
I'm not sure if I have words for my self-hatred, but I do like the question you're asking. I should ask myself that time and time again.
But so often, when I need to SH, I don't feel anger. I rarely ever feel anger at any point tbh. It's more desperation for it all to stop being so overwhelming. Or desperation for me to punish myself when I clearly need it. If that makes sense?
I guess where I was going with the being anger Sceal is that in order to feel self-hatred you would be angry at yourself for not being _______________________ (fill in the blank)?
If it were something like "I hate myself for not being good enough" it would be tied to be angry at yourself for not being good enough and where did that belief/idea come from? Probably an external source (whoever traumatized you and deserves the anger).
I'm probably making this about as clear as mud :whistling: Am I off base? :Idunno:
Hmm! You ask some good questions, and I see where you're coming from.
Maybe I'm just so used to disconnect from my own anger that when it's seeping through in actions like SH and thoughts of self-disdain and loathing I don't recognize it as anger?
I also wondered if perfectionism comes into this Sceal - when you don't "measure up" your anxiety/anger/self-loathing ramps up? And if so why is perfectionism is an issue? IME it generally comes from being hurt by others for being imperfect and being made to feel negatively about ourselves (eg., less than, disgusting, unworthy of love...)
We didn't earn that self-image by being all that though, we learned it and that's what I meant about directing the anger where it belongs (which is not on yourself).
I think you're touching on something there, Kizzie! I do struggle with being good enough and performing good enough. Or perhaps I feel I need to somehow perform better than good enough to make up for my existence. And when I find myself unable to exceed expectations it just doesn't go very well. And I feel I constantly fail on exceeding expectations. Mine and others.
I've definitely been told I am undeserving of love, affection and validation by others. And I do believe they are right. Which is so hard to deal with when I sense dissapointment by others and when I fear I will dissapoint.
Quote from: Sceal on September 27, 2018, 08:04:30 AM
Or perhaps I feel I need to somehow perform better than good enough to make up for my existence.
Sounds very familiar.
This is still very hard for me to believe deep down but my T had me repeating "I have a right to my spot in this world, just like everybody else and just as much as everybody else." The same goes for you Sceal, if this is indeed your topic. :hug:
Thank you Blueberry. :hug:
I do have the same problem there as you do. I don't quite yet am ready to take my place in the world for ME. I can take my place in the world if it is an extension of someone else or protecting someone else.
Lady T brought up SH in today's session. I wasn't quite so pleased to be spending the entire session with her on this as I wanted to talk about other things.
But in the end I realized something... And I had to be open and tell her.
I honestly don't see my SH as that big of a concern. I don't see it as so serious - and I think that is a problem. I think I need to dig a little deeper to understand why that is so.
She gave me homework for the weekend, and that is to write the pro and con list for long term and short term SH.
I said some things today she found important to explore. If only I could remember what...
I should re-read your inputs and thoughts to me in this thread. I think it is valuable to the insights you've shared with me, and the things you've pointed out.
Hi there. I don't like to use my real name on the internets but people call me Six. Don't know why, they just do. Any who. I read your little tidbit and ihop that I am not too late to offer some assistance or at least a cyber shoulder to lean on. I'm 33 and i still struggle with the impulse of SI. It's hard. It's allot of why I had to leave the city and the people that I care about. I isolate, was ashamed, embarrassed, in pain,and in tears. But i think what made me feel the worst was that I liked it. i actually like it. It was instant gratification and i can't even spell patience, let alone abide by it. So it is difficult. I hop e that i can help you at east a little. First off, don't beat yourself up about it. It happened lets move forward to keep the good things rolling. I try to find other coping tools when i feel like i need to cut or dent my car again with my fist. I usually get online and google the most random thing i can think of. For example, today I googled what the official term is for someone with a licking fetish. I got Oculolictus. Which is the fetish of licking eyeballs. Random right? then I go looking for forums or something t not these people because i want a glimpse of their world. doesn't always work, but its something. I listen to allot of music, usually mellow complex stufg/ Hey, don't you like radiohead?? I love them. Anyway, please, if you can, try tp resort/ O
t da,m near impossible in the beginning and i'm still kinda right there with you on that one. But i finally turned in my very last knife to my BHW . It was so hard to let her go. She was like a security blanket for me. Please feel free to email me anytime that you just want to vent or have a virtual penal or whatever. I want to help you and i think that you can help me. We got this!
Thank you for your kindness Perditrix.
I am sorry to hear you've had it so rough, and that you're still struggling with this. I'm in the same age-boat as you. I do have several lists all over the place reminding me of other strategies to fight impulses. It helps being reminded. sometimes they work, sometimes they don't.
Although, for the past 3 weeks I've managed to not have any major impulses to SH. These days it's more about comfort food instead. Or sleep. I'm back to sleeping alot again.
Hi there,
Sorry if i got your messafe later than intended. I haven't been on the site for awhile. The coincidences were a little too close to home to not feel a bit paranoid. Oculoictus especially. I also googled living fetishes because i encountered a client at the behavioral health facility that i volunteer at and that's beyond random and serendipity. It made me too paranoid to get back on my computer for awhile and i even put my pone in the fridge with the SIM card removed. Like i said, i'm a little crazy. . Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD are not good bed fellows. But i wanted to thank you for sharing your troubles with me. It helps t know tat I am not alone in my struggles and not stupid for having them. than k you so much. I also turned in my last knife to my BHW and I completely get the security blanket thing. It was the same for me. I kept er for a very long time. she was perfect, discreet easy to hide and clean. I even named her and i know it sounds nuts but i would talk to her during the rittual test up that i had. I named her Alice. And it as hard letting her go. but i did it and am very proud of myself for it. I still think about doing it more often than i would like to but i rarely carry it out and i would like to think of that as progress.
Thank you again. It really means allot that you took the time to share with me your struggles as well. You are good people don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hello PERDITRIX06, please what is BHW?