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CPTSD and Others => Our Relationships with Others => Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws => Topic started by: bhupendra on October 10, 2018, 06:13:40 PM

Title: long term companionship/marriage between two people with ptsd/cptsd
Post by: bhupendra on October 10, 2018, 06:13:40 PM
I just wanted to know if any long term companionship/marriage is possible between two people with ptsd/c-ptsd?
Is there any couple/friends here who are in any such arrangement/relationship?
I believe it is possible to have such a domestic partnership/arrangement/marriage or whatever name you give it.
It's not that I don't like or don't trust people without any ptsd/cptsd or any trauma-related issues.
I don't think many even have that level of sensitivity and patience to deal with people like us.
Fortunately, I don't consider myself as 'damaged' anymore. So I think I can be with someone who does and help him/her to get to the place where I'm now.
Yes, I do have some FOO related flashbacks but not how they were used to be earlier. I have learnt to manage them.
Also, there is something personal about me which I cannot discuss here for security reasons, to avoid triggering anyone here or to be misunderstood. But it's also something I don't wish to hide from any friend/partner with ptsd/c-ptsd if ever I find him/her cause it is not going to change.

I come from a conservative culture where marriage is often a norm for commitment and long term relationships. Interference by in-laws, relatives and parents of the couple is common. I don't think it'd be easy for me to deal with it. Especially if it's with a 'normal' person who fits in the norms and is afraid of people and practices which do not fit the norm. I think I'll go into severe depression or suffer a breakdown with all the pressure and expectations of fitting in the societal norms and the relationship norms with any such person. I'm somehow trying to build myself up from all the pieces. What I'm looking for is simply companionship with other survivor, preferably a female. A platonic or a romantic one, it doesn't matter as long as we click. I'm looking for someone who like me understands her trauma and unlike other people(normal or otherwise) doesn't resort to manipulation and petty arguments in a friendship or a relationship. Someone who's focused on her healing and growth. Is it even possible to find such a person the norm-al way people find or come across someone they like or is like them? If so where? I'm sorry if this question seems pretty dumb. I'm not from a developed western nation where you can as easily find anyone with an xyz MH label or identification. And where it is very common and socially acceptable for people to have such labels.

P.S.- Please no suggestions of finding a 'normal' date/partner/friend. I do not think it is ever going to work. I had had enough of my share of fair and unfair discrimination everywhere in that regard. And any such friendship or partnership with such a man or a woman will always be unequal for me. Sorry, it's just my case and I mean no disrespect to people who are already in a neurotypical-neuroatypical  friendship or a marriage.
Title: Re: long term companionship/marriage between two people with ptsd/cptsd
Post by: Three Roses on October 10, 2018, 06:38:29 PM
My husband and I have been married since 1982. It's been a struggle, but I won't go into detail here. Our relationship used to be rough and full of that cyclical up and down of the typical abusive relationship but it's smooth these past few years.

Since becoming aware of cptsd and self-diagnosing, it's clear to me he has some of the same coping skills when he is triggered. He has not yet said he feels that he may also have cptsd.
Title: Re: long term companionship/marriage between two people with ptsd/cptsd
Post by: milk on October 12, 2018, 03:25:35 PM
Yes, it can happen —- with some help (therapy: there are many forms ) in the beginning to lay the groundwork. I do not have the years that Three Roses speaks to yet I relate when she/he writes about it becoming smooth after a few ups and downs. The smoothness comes from the quality of the connection (timeless) —- this sustains what is meant to be from a choice two people make to honor something real.
Title: Re: long term companionship/marriage between two people with ptsd/cptsd
Post by: goblinchild on October 12, 2018, 07:15:46 PM
I think there's just more stuff to work through when there's significant baggage in a relationship. Both people have to be really good at communication and being aware about what they're feeling. I think in these relationships and any others with a lot of baggage you will find points in the relationship where the baggage is difficult to work through and the questions of "is this worth it" or "can we even fix this" might come up. Those are very personal questions! The answer is no for a lot of people. You have to decide at some point where the line is, and more importantly, why the line is. There's something that makes this person and this relationship worth fighting for to you. Make sure it's genuine. Remember, there's no shame in finding that point and realizing that the struggle isn't worth it for that particular relationship. That doesn't mean that it's not worth it in EVERY relationship.

On a side note, I feel like I'm making all of this sound really difficult and bleak? I mean, I'm not saying it's easy either but I don't want you to feel like it's a constant struggle. Even when it IS a struggle, there's something beautiful about having that level of communication and commitment with another person. Even when it's bad, it's not all bad.  :yes: I believe you can get there and be happy. Good luck!
Title: Re: long term companionship/marriage between two people with ptsd/cptsd
Post by: Boy22 on October 13, 2018, 03:15:04 AM
All I can say is that at 25yrs together, in and out of therapy, we are still together and still value each other. Without his strength at this time I would not be achieving all that I am.
Title: Re: long term companionship/marriage between two people with ptsd/cptsd
Post by: LilyITV on November 12, 2018, 05:37:54 PM
I was going to start another thread kind of related to this issue but this one seems to cover what I had been wondering about.  It has become clear to me that my husband also may suffer C-PTSD.  He is not in therapy and I think he would deny he has any type of mental illness.   I notice that he struggles sometimes with self worth and sometimes seems to doubt my love for him.  He seems to have certain triggers that make him explode in anger...and then he feels horrible and clingy afterward.

Goblinchild, I had the same question of "Can we even fix this?" pop in my head at times.  Reading through the responses makes me feel good that the answer can be "yes" this relationship can survive.

Thinking of this issue, I can help but think of the saying "Water always finds its own level."  I realize in the past I never felt comfortable with guys who were neurotypical.  I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years where I was not even aware I might have a problem.  When I left him, I was determined to make changes and make better relationship choices.  Seems fitting I found someone who was also in the same boat.