Out of the Storm

it seems this is the first time i can remember feeling hope that i'm over the hump of recovery, mentally, emotionally, and physically.  don't know if it will last, but i feel more positive about the future than maybe since i ever began any kind of recovery.

i started on such a journey in my 30's, so we're talking about 35 yrs. of working at this.  unfortunately, because of that first t i had, i began in a setback mode.   she did so much damage to me, not only with my own therapy, but as a couple and a mother that it seems like i was pushed back years and years by confusion, pain, hurt, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, lowered self-esteem, and plain old cruelty (i can see that now as i look back).

so, every year i faced seemed more difficult than the last.  i remember thinking 'does it ever get any better?'  i would hear others be so excited about the progress they'd made, including with this t, and i couldn't fathom it, didn't know how that was happening for them cuz my experience was so much the opposite.  i felt worse every time i faced a new year, hoping it was going to get better, but being thrown back against a wall, slammed against it time and time again.

since this was my first stint with therapy, i didn't know it wasn't supposed to hurt, thought it was a 'no pain, no gain' sort of situation, and accepted everything she told me as truth - whether it was about myself, my partner, my parenting, my kids - everything.

the greatest thing she taught me was how not to be a therapist.  but it's taken me years and years to get thru the damage she did to me.  on top of that, i was married to a misogynistic npd, and had a torturous mentally ill daughter, also npd (in my eyes).  being triple-teamed was like trying to get out of quicksand by grabbing onto slime.  i only sank farther and my world got darker because i was being covered in yuck the entire time i struggled.

today, my world finally feels manageable.  it's such a strange feeling.  i see the sun thru these gorgeous trees in the morning and watch as it makes its way across the sky to sink gloriously beneath the sea in the evening.  i have virtually no friends anymore because i've gotten rid of most of them - i can see them as toxic now - and i, who was once surrounded by people and feared not having friends, feared horribly the idea of being alone, am content.

i'm done with the mr., and altho i'm still grieving that, running thoughts thru my head, i am also content with not having a man physically in my life (my hub still loves me, which is nice, but since i can't really depend on him for anything and don't ever plan to return, it's a marriage on paper only, a relationship for 20 min. on the phone every week, and 'i love you' emails, which are sweet), but i usually have had at least one man physically around since high school.    this is very different.   and it's ok. 

i'm healthier than i have been in at least 20 years, and that feels great. 

the people in my life from this forum are better friends to me in most ways than the people i had surrounded myself with irl.  that may sound sad, but i am extremely pleased about it - i've gotten more caring, nurturing, and affection on a consistent basis from this virtual forum than i have ever had in real support groups.  i'm content and satisfied with this, too.

and my d and i, well, that's better than i ever expected.  nearly every day she exclaims how much she loves it where we live, and my heart soars.  i'm so glad i was able to help her realize this dream of hers, and can continue to help her with her work.  my life has meaning thru her, and i am overjoyed.

so, i'm beginning a new chapter in my life, one that looks hopeful and positive, which i haven't been able to say for way too long.  i look forward to the future for the first time in ages as something not to dread, not to wonder 'what else is going to happen?' in a neg. way, and not to fear. (well, to be honest, i haven't had that much fear in my life anyway, but since i got in touch with that emotion, it's been overwhelming at times). 

and i like me, am satisfied (at last) with me - not that things won't pop up from time to time to deal with, make adjustments and all that - and have faith in me.  i'm leaving these newfound fears behind, leaving so much of what i've gone thru behind - it's like i've come to the point where so much of those parts aren't relevant anymore.  like i said, it's a strange feeling to at last stand up straight and look forward with positive anticipation.

i'm glad i'm here. 

Hi my dear, it is beautiful to see so much positivity here. I am so excited to watch this new chapter unfold  :hug: Always much love ❤️

Quotei'm glad i'm here.

Me, too!  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

So happy for you San,
My heart soars when I hear about good things in your life too  :hug:

el, your love is always so warming.  thank you.

3roses, thanks - you always bring a smile to my heart.

deepblue, 2 soaring hearts to explore the heavens.  how wonderful is that!

i thought of some of the struggles i still contend with as i'm looking forward.  unfortunately, i don't have enough money to eat the way i'd really want to, so i often eat what's available to me thru the food pantry we have access to once a month.  plus, i still do a fair amount of stress eating. 

some of that is, i think, still linked to my alexithymia.  being distressed, uneasy, out of sorts, but not able to pinpoint what it is i'm feeling sends me to making a meal out of snack food.  plus, i believe i still may have some inner child work to look into, but haven't gotten to that yet.  therefore, eating takes the place of comfort too many times.

then there's the alexithymia itself, plus the borderline autism.  not being able to realize, recognize, nor verbalize how i'm feeling can be extremely frustrating.  plus, the idea that my mind can't always stay caught up with a conversation, and i find myself having to revisit some concept or idea over and over till i can get clear with it.

luckily, my d now understands this and is very patient with me.  she knows i've been doing this kind of thing for many, may years, but most of that time she didn't know why, when i was still in mexico and we'd talk on the phone, i'd usually send her an email the next day rehashing our conversation.  she knows now why i did that. 

i don't know how much of this might be fixed, if it's something that will right itself a bit more over time with so much less stress in my life.  maybe, maybe not.  only time will tell.

physically, i'm so much better than i was, but i'm still not well.  again, don't know how much of that might or can change over time with less stress.  physical ongoing problems are too many to list, and i'm always in pain, but i'm now walking nearly every day and have restarted my weights, which feels good.  not at the level i was 30 yrs. ago, but it's something.

crying can still be a problem at times, but it's better than it was.  routine seems important to me at the moment, altho living with someone who wants my attention at times can be interruptive.  still, i feel needed because of it, am helping her out with her work, and i can usually find time, like now, to do what feels best for me.

so, there are still struggles.  being overly sensitive still raises its head when i don't want it to be there.  understanding myself has helped a lot with all this, too, so that's progress.  letting go of unhealthy relationships has been hard at times, has left me pretty alone, but i still get along with people and our neighbors are great, so it doesn't bother me too much.

the struggles, i'm guessing, will always be with me.  the c-ptsd symptoms seem more manageable at this time.  i'm feeling quite calm most of the time.  i think i've made some progress.  that finally feels real, and gives me hope, something i haven't really felt in a long time.  whoa - weird.

random thoughts:

if i'm not yet thriving, i do believe i'm more than simply surviving right now.  so much of the confusion has cleared up, and that's helped a lot.  this last bout with the mr. left me very confused, and i've realized how much of my life i've spent in that state of mind.  wow - way too much.

today we are moving furniture around, had found a lovely couch we like for our living room - $15 at goodwill.  our neighbor is going to haul it home for us.  we're putting the old couch and matching loveseat in our great room facing the windows that look out over the forest which is our backyard.  things are slowly coming together. 

i'm finishing the edits on my d's latest book, and then i'll begin putting my own workshop together (hopefully, for jan.).  it's one i've created about food and eating, and before i really knew about inner child stuff, i'd already included a component about that very concept in one of the classes.  now, i'll be able to expand on it from a different direction.  this is exciting to me.

the idea of working in my field again is something i'd given up on.  to be in front of a group again, well, hopefully it actually comes to that, but even the thought that i can actually do it again, that i have the strength and wellness enough to lecture and lead for 2 hrs. is nearly beyond belief.

less than 2 yrs. ago i was dying.  a year ago, i had my cancer surgery.  since then, things have fallen into place exactly as i've needed them to.  i couldn't have done it without the many angels who have helped and supported me thru everything in the past 3 1/2 yrs.  lots of those angels reside on this forum. 

next jan. will be 4 yrs. since i went nc with my older d, 3 yrs. since i began an 8 mo. ef.  thinking back to those 2 occasions really puts what i'm feeling now into perspective.  it was a close thing several times.  i never once believed i would be where i am now.   i've been connected to this forum nearly all that time.  i wouldn't have made it otherwise - i'm quite sure of that.

it's interesting now to be a bit introspective about these past several years.  i think the greatest thing i'm experiencing now is a lack of confusion.  that has been like a dense spiderweb covering my eyes, suffocating my mind, stunting my comprehension of what was going on around and within me for most all my life.  7 decades is a long time to wander in confusion.

the cobwebs have cleared, tho, or at least that's how it feels.  what an amazing feeling.  i want to wallow in this for a bit while i enjoy being productive again.  this is a miracle.  look what you people have done for me!  i'm smiling now.

just wanted to get this out before i go to sleep.

dang, it seems like just when i think everything is smooth sailing, something comes up and bites me in the butt.  my d and i got caught up in some stuff from the madness of our family - me having to make all the decisions, be the problem-solver, taking charge and her listening to her sister constantly telling her what she 'needs' to do.

unfortunately, i used that trigger word, you 'need' to do so and so, and she found herself becoming angry.  we talked it out, found out where it was coming for both of us, but it was disturbing to me, so i'm still awake, feeling ill at ease.   i hate it that i sent her into an ef, and feel really bad about it.

i know, at least we talked it out, got to the root of it, but i still feel guilty.  and ashamed.  this is not the first time it's been pointed out to me about me using the phrase 'you need to do ...' (actually, that was a trigger for the mr., too, and he brought it to my attention that i said that).  sometimes these habits and ways of believing are so difficult to break. 

this is a case where i feel i just wasn't careful enough with my language, which caused my d distress.  i did apologize, but feel it's somehow inadequate.  it's cuz we've discovered that this house came with fleas, and both she and her cat are suffering because of it.  she's in the process of rectifying the situation, but she feels bad for both her cat and herself - she's getting bitten, too, and they're both uncomfortable.

so,  she's rather crabby, i went into 'fix-it' mode, and all in all, it just wasn't pleasant for a bit.  altho we're both ok now, these seemingly 'little' things still have the capacity to rattle me.  still can't be the perfect mom/roommate.  ugh.  ok, deep breath.  glad i wrote this - i almost didn't out of embarrassment.  i've been going on about how wonderful things are with me, and something like this makes it un-wonderful in a flash.

i hate this crapola.

Glad you wrote it and proud of you too!  Your ability to notice and then try to change things is incredible.  I wish that people in my own life could take a step back and admit when they did something wrong.

I guess I'm an oddball teacher, cuz when a student stumps me with a question, I tell them I don't know, but I'll look it up and get back to them.  I don't mind being stumped.  It's just an opportunity for me to grow too.  Your ability to work on issues is a form of you growing too San!  Admitting you made a mistake is a big step that many others wouldn't take. 

I'm excited about you helping your d with her book and you getting to practice again.  Sending you love and strength friend  :hug:

thanks, sweetie, for the support and kind words.  they really mean a lot.

when i was working with the adolescent girls, i would tell them the same thing you tell your kids.  i know they appreciated that from an adult - too many times adults in their lives would gloss things over, or conveniently 'forget' about the issue.   i know you're one of the best teachers out there, deep blue.

i'm still rattled this morning.  i can hear her walking around in the other room, so i'm gonna go see how she is.  dang, i feel horrible that this is happening to her, horrible about my part in it that didn't help at all but made her feel worse.  i know this will eventually settle, but i hate feeling like this till it does.  i want to cry.

What's your d's love language? Mine is acts of service.  They mean the most to me. 

Maybe you can use your d's love language to ease your stress and make amends??? Just a thought.

Oh and maybe you need to cry a bit? Maybe that "crapola" as you say it, is in there and needs to be let out.   :hug:  big big hug and a deep breath friend

You don't have to be perfect.  :hug:

 :yeahthat:

I think you are doing all you can in talking those things out. You and your d are human, it is bound to happen from time to time. Not your job to be the perfect mom/roommate. Just your job to do the best you can and be there for her, which I see you doing every day. So kudos to you dear  :hug:

so very tired - it's been a wearing week.

deep blue, 'love language' is an interesting concept.  my d's, toward me at least, is patience.  i've commented for years on her patience with me, and she's always been confused by that cuz she doesn't see her behavior toward me that way.  still, it's very different from what i've experienced from others.  definitely a language of love in its truest sense.

thanks for the reminder, 3r.  it always helps to hear that.  (and, back atcha, by the by).   luckily, my d knows that, too.  like she said when we talked this out, 'we're still learning.'  she's very good at accepting me and also questioning me when i'm inconsistent.

thank you dear el for validating my right to be human.  dang, that's a tough one for me.  it's been made harder, actually, because many people have told me i'm an angel walking the earth.  really.  even as lately as the mr., who told me he'd considered that possibility.  that's been a weird tightrope to walk.  then there are the thoughts that i may be an alien (my hub has actually asked me that several times throughout our marriage) and/or a witch cuz of my sensitivities and being able to sense/feel things.   again, as lately as the mr., and he hasn't even known me that long.

anyway, lots of otherworldly beings have been thrust upon me.  so, it's a continual struggle to just be me, cuz i'm not always sure what role i'm in.  be that as it may, she and i worked it out easily the next day (we're still learning, mom) and we do seem to be getting closer daily.  but, dang, when i feel like i've fallen off the rails even a little, it knocks me sideways.

ok, i didn't want to do this cuz i'm exhausted, and this is exhausting, but made a big admission out loud last nite to my d.  all about me and men, how i've gravitated to them all the time during the course of my life.  always thought of myself as a strong, independent woman, but i have kept men in my life as resources to fall back on, to rely on, and actually, to take care of me.

i've known, without knowing how i've known, that i need someone to take care of me because i don't have the capability of doing everything that needs to be done on my own.  i know that sounds contradictory, cuz i've done so much in my life, including moving to a foreign country by myself without a plan and only $6000, my car, computer, and clothes. 

i knew, for example, that i needed a partner to help me raise a child - ok, now that i'm thinking of this a little more clearly, i may be wrong about this self-assessment.  maybe it's not that i couldn't, but i've always taken advantage of the help and support of others, and just have had a lot of faith that whatever comes down the pike i'd be able to deal with it.  i've had a lot of overworked angels in my life, lots of divine intervention to pave the way for making sure i stayed sane and alive.

i didn't live totally by myself till i was in my 50's - from my folks' house to living with roomies, to marriage, to, and here comes the flaw in my argument, living with my mom till i could get an apt. for my baby and i.  still didn't exactly have my own space cuz i shared it with her, but, with help, i managed to get an apt. and take care of her for nearly a year on my own.

maybe, i've looked to others for help at all stages of my life, be they women or men, and accepted that help as a way to make my life easier.  no harm in that - no one was abused by my doing so.  when i finally moved back here, it was with the express belief that i would eventually need to live with my d cuz of my failing health and ability to think clearly, not get overwhelmed with 'stuff'.  i'd need for her to take care of me.

which she does, in many ways, but i can see, also, that i contribute to her life in a pos. way.  maybe i'm just someone who will take advantage (not in a bad way) of help or companionship that i know i need somewhere intrinsic to my being.  the male thing, well, i've liked boys forever, and it's always been connected to touch, even from a very young age. 

in first grade, i think, i had a bunch of girls who would get a boy of my choosing on the playground, surround him and hold him down so i could kiss him.  so, this was about at age 6, way before puberty and hormones.  (a teacher caught me in the hall one day, told me she'd heard about me kissing boys, and told me i should stop that cuz it can pass germs around.) 

it may be a touch thing.  i do believe i'm touch deprived - no hugs growing up, no familiar, casual touch, like a pat or an arm around my shoulder kind of thing.  i know a lot of my sexual exploits as an adult were so that i could feel touch.  when i was drunk with friends, i'd always, at some point, throw an arm around their shoulders.  it made me feel good.

i think the touch thing is a piece of me that lets me know i'm real, that i exist in the other person's world.  or constant communication will do something similar.  it was an ongoing cause of anxiety with the mr. if i didn't talk to him every day - i'd immediately wonder what my standing in his life was.  very anxiety-producing, very unsettling.  i'll even experience that here, altho there is no rational reason to do so.  you all have been so very good at letting me know what i mean to you.

i wonder if it's a manifestation of being at the very upper limit of the autism spectrum.  i'm quite sure that's where the alexithymia comes from, and that, alone, has caused me to not just feel different, but be different than most people.  all of this stuff together can be really difficult to navigate.  there are so many factors to consider.

as the mr. once said when i told him all this - your life has been tainted from before you were born.  you have nothing that you have enjoyed without something diminishing it to some degree (or words to that extent).  he had asked me if i've ever had happy times, which i have, but i always still had that floaty sense about me, just floating thru life, being confused most of the time.

anyway, writing all this, i'm tired all over again.  i'm glad i'm living with my d, but i honestly don't know what i would do if she died.  won't even go into that now.  still, it's back there, niggling at my mind.  can't afford to stay here, nothing saved to move.  best not to think about it consciously as much as possible.

with that happy note, i'll leave for now.  all the time, more things keep coming up to be analyzed before they can be put to rest.  i'm really tired of it.  wish i could be superficial for the remainder of my life at times.  this just gets so wearing.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 21, 2018, 03:45:56 PM

then there are the thoughts that i may be an alien (my hub has actually asked me that several times throughout our marriage) and/or a witch cuz of my sensitivities and being able to sense/feel things.   again, as lately as the mr., and he hasn't even known me that long.

Hi SanMagic - firstly I wanted to send you a loving hug  :hug: - I found what you wrote here particularly interesting because my sister (whom I am currently estranged from believes that she is an 'alien' and also a 'witch' - and I can completely understand why she might think those things, and why other people might think those things about her - although I like to think there could be aliens, and witches around, I don't believe there are currently - at least in the form of humans - and yet I do relate to how we could be mistaken for people with great sensitivities - I said to my sister that I used to want to be a witch when I was a small child - because of watching those TV programmes about 'Cool Witches' etc and you know - she didn't want me to have any of the special powers she has - she wanted those to be for herself.  This told me how much she needed those things to feel special.

I realise these things aren't how you are expressing this - but I just wanted to remark on this - by sharing what was said between me and my sister - and I felt in my head that I can see how much you would be regarded as being special and almost un-earthly - as your kindness comes across, and maybe people aren't used to that.  They therefore imbue you with special powers and qualities.

You spoke of wanting to be yourself - and I think you're a lovely 'earthly presence' - that is what comes across to me - I'm glad you're on this earth and that you have touched the lives of the people you interact with.

I apologise if I'm over-reaching here - and saying too much, but the thing is that you said a lot here that I related to - even to the extent of my own partner joking with me the other night that maybe I was a 'robot' - or some kind of artificial intelligence kind of synth - I do wonder what people think when they project things onto other people in that way.  Does it say something about the person saying it, or the person it is said about?  I suspect there are elements of both.

Sending you a hug, and hoping that you are able to get the rest you need.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Hey sweetie,
I just wanted you to know that I read every word of what you wrote.

Can I just say... that we... as humans, seek companionship?  I don't think it's anything to be ashamed about.  Seeking the companionship of others is natural.  Also... I may add here... that companionship doesn't necessarily mean having someone take care of you either.  Do you think 6 year old you wanted future husbands on the playground for financial security :bigwink:

As far as being an alien or witch... I also have a comment on that ha ha!  I have had people say that I'm oddly perceptive for most of my life.  I've even had people say I'm a sensitive empath.  So I looked it up.  Results: I am not a sensitive empath.  BUT!!! I am considered a highly sensitive individual.  My senses are dialed up in a sense.  Upon reading around on the forum I found that this is a defense mechanism that many of us in this forum have developed unknowingly.  We developed a sensitivity to our surroundings and then emotions of others so that we could have a tiny heads up if abuse was coming. 

Hopefully I didn't ramble too long on your journal.  :hug:  love you dearest

hope, may i reassure you that i love hearing from you, never think you're overreaching in your responses.  you always have such heartfelt thoughts about things, and i appreciate you so very much.

deep blue, you never ramble on my journal - your insight and caring and nurturing do my heart good.  thank you for all that.  it means so much.

yesterday, i was in such pain - felt like i got run over by a mack truck (which is what the mr. does, coincidentally).  i believe that  many of these aches and pains are from his judo 'demo' where he put me on the ground.  my body, like my mind, takes awhile to process what's happening, but the pain has been building over the past week.  one more reason to be angry with him, one more reason to be glad it's over.

so, i'm still going to take it easy for another few days, using the wonderful world of chemistry to just help the pain and to knock me out so i'm sleeping a lot, or just not functioning for awhile.  don't know when i'll be back here - i've got to go to ground like a wounded animal for a bit.  love you all.

❤️ :hug:

thanks, 3r - you're well wishes, love and hugs are always appreciated.

feeling a bit better today.  going to ground was very helpful for me.  sometimes i have to induce relaxation in my mind in order to help my body relax.  i've done this before and it's worked well then, too.  relax the mind, sleep a lot, move slowly, advil, and the pain seems to settle down, isn't quite as sharp. 

also realized that this pain is probably mostly from when i went down, which raised more anger at the mr. for being rather irresponsible with my safety.  so glad our big ottoman was there to break my fall or i don't know that i wouldn't have ended up in the hospital with broken bones.  grrrrrr!  along with that anger came relief that it's over with him, and i don't have to fret about that relationship anymore.  it was way more stressful than i wanted to admit.  ugh!

so, looking forward once again.  i cut my hair - it's what women do so often when they're making a big change in/for their lives.  just finished reading 'the princess bride' - loved it, loved the movie maybe more.  i'm concentrating on getting more classics under my belt.  looking forward to 'to kill a mockingbird' and 'of human bondage'.  seen the first movie, loved it.  don't know anything about the second.

it's so nice to have the library close by.  i lived in it when i was younger, missed it horribly in mex.  it's a calming place for me, soothing.  just love the atmosphere, love having a book in my hand.

i'm working on my food group stuff today.  gotta send out brochure info to one person who's interested (the group will run in jan. if i get enough people).  also making a workbook, and have the program written down that i want to re-do, get it set up to offer to group members, and even going to set up a website - my first venture into the world of social media.  yikes!  it would be nice to have this fly, bring in some money to add to the coffers, maybe be able to buy a washer and dryer.  i kinda feel like we're a little bit pioneer women right now.  but, we're doing ok.

so, i've got stuff to look forward to, and i'm enjoying that.  especially since i feel better today.  that pain thing makes all the difference.  saps my energy and wears me out.  but, moving forward.  it feels good.

My dear, I wish I had more time to respond but know I am always with you.  :hug: It is great to hear you are feeling better.


As someone that loves the classics I have lots of suggetions if you want them. "To Kill a Mockingbird" is one of my all time favorites and I have written several literary analyses of it. I will be excited to see what you think   ;D

Love you always  :hug:

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better.

The princess bride is one of my favorites! I dislike buttercup's character cuz I think she is a bit of a helpless female, but the dialogue is excellent in it. Hmmm classics? I liked the Great Gatsby at one point. 

I'm glad you have parted ways with the Mr.  I think you got a little fun and then he was bad news after that.  I'm irritated still that he threw you down like that.  Grrrrrr yep, still makes me mad.

I wish I could come to your group in person.  But you know I'm signing up and sitting there in spirit right?  :hug:
Much love sweetie

I haven't had the energy to read through your new thread yet.
but I just wanted to pop by and offer you a hug  :hug: and also to celebrate your new haircut. I hope you feel refreshed. I usually do when I get my hair changed.

hi, my dear el, i know you're visiting.  just enjoy.  and, yep, when you get back, i'd love to hear your options for books to read.  i just got 'to kill a mockingbird', will start it today.  i loved the movie, love the story, but there's always something about reading the original.  thank you.

db, you know, i had to chuckle.  i read 'great gatsby' in high school, could not enjoy it at all.  i didn't get it.  i also saw most of the movie a few years ago, same thing.  but thanks for the suggestion.  any others are welcome.

sceal, i know you're going thru a rough patch, but i surely do appreciate the hug.  thank you, sweetie.  and, yeah, i'm enjoying my hair.  it's short and sassy.

last nite, watching buffy with my d (we've got a regular thing going now, alternating between 'angel' and 'buffy' - it's come to that time in their series ) and a really sad part happened, we were both sniffling.  suddenly, i just let myself go, started sobbing.  i think you mentioned, db, that i probably needed to cry.  you were right.

my d knows.  she's very patient and nurturing with me.  i told her that i have so many tears i never got a chance to cry in past years, so i use these times to just have at it, sob my little heart out.  i really haven't cried for most of my relationships/marriages that have been broken, so those tears are still stored up.  this gave me a chance to let some of them loose.

today i feel ok, but still a bit in the after effects of the sadness.  and anger.  i yelled out 'batards' with a fist in the air last nite, too, and that felt good.  (well, the real swear word, not the one i use here to get past the censors).  i think there's still so much inside that i just can't access.  at least letting these bits and pieces out helps.  it's something.

so, kind of a sloppy day today.  just feeling sloppy inside, loose, not put together.  nothing much going on today at home, tho, so it's ok.  a day to wallow.

San, I will love to chat books with you. The reading of the book is even better than the movie :) I love getting to visit here, also to hear you and your D watch Buffy! It is great.

Love you always  :hug:

more tears tonite, more sobbing.  i'm spent.  too many broken souls i've taken under my wing.  intelligent and stimulating, yes, i need the challenge, but no more of the broken ones.  my d and i spoke of the tolerance, patience, understanding of their brokenness, and how we tried so hard, giving all we had, to help them find the way to happy, but it never worked, and we ended up staying too long while they, well they left.

can i please finally learn from all this?

 :hug: :hug:
I'm with you.  I'm so so with you

Count me there, too  :hug: :hug:

 :grouphug:

db, 3roses, and sceal, your warmth touched me.  thank you so much for being there.  this has been a difficult time right now - so many things (too many) coming to the surface at once.  part of this stuff also includes my ex, my d's father, who she doesn't want to hear about what a rotten man he was, so i also have to trip lightly when i speak of these things.  it's a tightrope i have to traverse with her.

she knows some of the stuff, but only generally.  she doesn't want to hear the specifics.  she's told me she's set up boundaries with him, wants to keep a relationship with him, and there's nothing to do about that.  i have to trust that she's set up everything to keep herself safe from him.

anyway, i'm spent.  back to the porch.  been spending a lot of time there.  need some laughs tonite.  gut laughs.

thank you all again (el, and others, i know you're here with me, too.)

Glad you know I am here  :hug: I left some treats on the porch this morning. Some of my favorites, macarons, coffee, lemon poppy seed bread, and of course some pumpkin rolls. Feel free to enjoy them while you are there

Hi SanMagic,
Just popping by and sending you a warm and loving hug, and couldn't help noticing all these lovely treats from Elpha too - glad I came by.  I know you're facing some tough stuff, so wishing you the best - take care.
Hope  :)

Sending you some warmth tonight, I've a feeling you could need some extra warmth tonight.  :hug:

thank you hope and sceal - warmth is exactly what i need.  and, yes, of course, el, i always know you're here.

having some terrible insomnia lately.  the other nite i had to take a xanax to sleep at 5:30 a.m.  right now it's 3:30, and i'm exhausted but feel like i'm in the midst of an anxiety attack.  same with several other nights.  i'm thinking it's cuz i'm nervous about getting a phone call from the mr.

last nite the phone rang once at midnite, stopped ringing by the time i got to it, and no number showed.  it freaked me out.  worried that he's gonna call when he's drunk - he knows i have sleep problems, we used to talk in the middle of the nite all the time while he was at work.  i'm freaked right now.

think i'll find a soothing book, see if that will calm me down.  the past couple of weeks have been difficult, already xanax'ed my way thru several, don't want to do that again if i can help it.  i hate this feeling.  my body is simply vibrating all over the place.  feels so weird.   maybe an adrenaline flow?  i don't know.  i just wish it would stop.  give me strength. 

dang, i'm glad i'm out of that relationship, but these aftershocks are horrible.

Sweet San,
I just want you to know that I'm sending you love and support.  I know that last week was difficult for you.  (Mine was too) BUT!!! I bounced back quicker this time!   You will bounce back too my friend. 

Try not to fight the emotions.  Let them boil over and overflow a bit.  It is nothing short of debilitating to fight them all day.  Let those toxins loose my friend.  Sitting with you with my arm around you. I can even rub your back if you like and chase away the bad dreams so you can rest  :hug:

So much love to you

yes, of course, db, i fight the emotions all the time since forever.  i 'shouldn't' still be letting this bother me, etc.  you're  right, tho, to just let them be, be as messy as i need to be for as long as it takes.  it is what it is, all that.  and thank you for staying by my side.   you are a wonderful friend - i appreciate you so much.  big inhale, exhale as i imagine you by my side.  it feels good.

Sounds to me that you're struggling with the hyper activity part of the PTSD right now, honey. It's so hard to deal with. All the sounds gets louder, all the thoughts and worries gets extra crisp and sharp and scary.
You also say that you "shouldn't" be letting it affect you. But how about you meet your emotions half-way? Accept that they are there, and perhaps that will calm them down a little. Lower that suffering a smidge?  :hug:

sceal, my darling sceal, of course.  fighting those emotions is never a good way to go.  unfortunately, i don't always have a handle on which emotions are there, which keeps me confused for a lot of the time. 

the other night i was finally able to realize that my anxiety at bedtime was because i was fearing that the mr. would call and i didn't know how to respond.  also, i'm reading 'to kill a mockingbird' and found the part that explains the title.  a character in the story explains that 'it's a sin to kill a mockingbird' cuz they only bring music to the world, never bother.  that sentence hit me hard.

suddenly i saw myself in that mockingbird reference, bringing music to the relationships i've had, and most lately to the mr.  i'm good in relationships at making others feel good about themselves, and the mr. needed a lot of that, which i happily provided. 

when i was still at the house, and the blow-up occurred, he got really mad at me, basically threw me out of his life, and stopped talking to me.  never an explanation why or what was going on between us.  i was hurt and confused.  it took me 3 days to get mad about being treated like that.  it took a few weeks to actually shed tears over the loss.  but, i did cry about it, felt it, was in pain because of it.

when we got back together, i told him how much that hurt me, that kind of behavior, and never to do it again.  he said 'ok'.  the next time (this last time) we were together i told him again how much he'd hurt me by doing that (we were talking about forgiveness, and i said that i'd forgiven him for his behaviors cuz i thought we could still make something good for ourselves by being together.  color me a romantic fool.

anyway, the next week was my birthday, he called early, we had a long chat, it started my day off beautifully.  i think it was the next day that i wrote the email that held all my anger for what he'd done (putting me on the ground in the midst of what i thought was going to be a lesson in self-defense), and sent it.  in all these months, i must've written 50 emails that he'd seen but never read.  he told me he didn't usually read them or listen to the messages i left when i called.

that day was the last day i'd heard from him.  don't know what happened (altho, if he'd decided to read the email, yeah, that could've been upsetting.  i didn't hold anything back, said i had to get the anger out, and i did).  but, he just stopped communicating - haven't heard from him since.  it's been a replay exactly of what i'd told him had hurt me so much.

so, when i read that line about killing a mockingbird, it struck me personally.  he'd done the thing to me that he knew would hurt me.  did it purposefully, and if i'm a whiny little victim here, so be it.  i didn't deserve that treatment again no matter what i'd said (if that was even it - i don't know to this day).  and i burst into tears, sobs one more time.

this is new to me, this crying after a broken relationship.  i hadn't cried over any of them in the past, still haven't for most of them.  however, some of it has started showing itself in these past batches of tears last week.  (i remember once thinking that i would never allow a man to make me cry.  that's a lot of tears stored up.  somehow i thought i wasn't gonna be one of those 'weak' women who cry after a man.  and i didn't). 

now, i see the crying as something natural, a response to pain and loss rather than weakness.  so, i saw myself as the mockingbird, and how he wanted to hurt me, and it's been this kind of thing that has come close to killing me several times thru the years, and i cried and cried.  how hurtful are people!  what is their deal?  and then i got mad.

how dare he treat me like this.  and i didn't feel anxious about hearing from him anymore, not anxious about what i might say to him.  it was cathartic and freeing.  i do believe that our power is found in our anger.  (*^(^& him!!!  if it was indeed that email that set this off like it's gone, i'm so very glad i wrote it.   i believe that was divine intervention helping me get out of what was less than a stellar relationship.  i just didn't want to see it before this.  i was so needy.

so, feeling a bit better today.  still tired, it's been a roller coaster.  off to the porch once again today.  hopefully i'll settle down soon.   but i'm more willing to let time do its thing, and just be with it.  i think that's a good thing.

San,
That comparison to the mockingbird is very wise and very true.  Sometimes other people leech the goodness from us.  Can I just say about your broken relationship.... it seems that you are not the one that shattered the companionship.  You saw him break that piece of pottery, then haphazardly put it back together and then break it again.

I was watching a show the other day and a woman broke one of her favorite coffee mugs.  Her friend mended it and gave it back to her.  Her friend said... while I was fixing your mug I realized you are not the mug. (Cared for but broken). You are the glue. (You are the one that helps put pieces back together again).  Maybe that's why you and the Mr were not destined to work.  You can't always be the one to fix his messes. 

Sending you some feathered wings to envelop you and help you to settle darling.  Much love to you ❤️

i can feel those wings and they're beautiful, db.  thank you so much.

no, we're not destined to be together.  my d observed that our personalities are totally opposite, and i agree.  i got what i wanted, but i didn't realize the aftermath would be so difficult to overcome.  dang.

i heard that when a woman has sex, it releases oxytocin into her system, and she imprints on the person she's with.  that's why sex has a much more emotional level to it for women (usually) than for men.  don't know if this is true, but it's an interesting concept.  i may want to research it a bit. 

i'm still so tired.  we've been battling this flea infestation for 3 weeks now, my d and her cat are miserable, we're doing everything we can to get relief.  i've dealt with this before, it's the pits.  apparently, the flea problem is widespread in town due to mild weather, so it's not just us.  unexpected.

back to the porch the rest of the day.  i hope this passes soon and i get some decent rest/sleep in the next few days.  i'm still sore from being taken down 3 weeks ago - my body doesn't heal as fast as it used to - so that sucks, too.

gonna be watching tennis today.  my boy rafa will be playing.  just gonna sit back, maybe be a little creative on my new website.  that's kind of exciting.  but mostly, rest, sleep, snooze.  sounds heavenly. 

Lots of love to you my dear  :hug:  I will be out on the porch today too for company if you want it

 :hug: to you SanMagic, and hope your tennis guy does well.   :) 
Hope  :)

hope watching the tennis match will give you some relief from thinking and pondering other things and give you some joy in the day.  :hug:

the irony is my tennis guy withdrew due to injury.  hahaha!

el, hope, and sceal, thanks.  hugs and love to you, too.

Sorry about Rafa San  :'(

The flea infestation sounds awful.  My friend, who is a vet says it's much more effective to buy flea collars for pets instead of those drops on the back.  He said it's more cost effective and works well.

Do you know any natural remedies? I'm sure there is something.  Sending you love friend

thanks, sweetie, for the flea collar tip.  the vet in town here recommended the stuff on the back of the neck.  maybe we'll do a flea collar next.  we're trying everything we can think of - vinegar solution is being sprayed everywhere multiple times, salted the carpets, my d sprays herself (she says she smells like easter eggs all the time - lol!), we bombed the place 2 weeks ago - that has been exhausting all on its own.  wah!

feel better today - got some decent sleep for a change.  what a difference it makes. 

was able to verbalize yesterday that the handyman guy who was fixing stuff on our house was really coming on to me very inappropriately.  took a day and a half for it to get from my brain to my mind to my mouth.  we decided we'd make sure not to have him here again when we need more stuff done.  if they ask why, we'll tell them at the time. 

too tired to stir it up, but i'm ok with our decision.   no touching involved, but verbal stuff and standing too close kind of thing.  dang, will this crapola never stop?

otherwise, i feel more rested, feel a bit more energized.  flu shot, errands today, walking in the rain most likely.  lovely soft rain, sounds so good at night to sleep to.  it's nice to feel a little more alive.

Fleas suck! (haha, see what I did there? 😉)

I agree with DB that flea collars are easy but the problem is that they'll only poison the fleas that are traveling to the eyes for water. Some fleas travel to... uh, the other end for refreshment. 🤢 There are many options available for pet owners, here's a link for more info. https://www.petcarerx.com/article/how-do-flea-collars-work/133

Also, you may want to look into diatomaceous earth as one option. It's natural and won't make anyone sick - there's even a food grade form of it. More info here: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diatomaceous earth, scroll down to "Pest Control", and also check out http://www.absorbentproductsltd.com/diatomaceous-earth-for-fleas.html, but that will have ads, but contains a lot of useful info. Good luck!  :hug:

thanks, my dear 3roses.  i appreciate the info.  there's so much out there, and sometimes it's totally contradictory.  i have read about the d. earth, too.  i'll look into your other links.  and, yeah, you did good with the 'suck' thing.  hahaha!!!  they've been sucking our energy as well as our blood!

Yes, the contradictions make it so hard to know what to do. I use DE for my chickens, and dog, and we don't have fleas. I do have to scan the dog for ticks when he comes in, because we live in a rural place where there are lots of infested deer.

The thing I like about DE is that it's not a chemical and won't poison people or animals. However, it's best to cover your mouth and nose when applying it so it won't get in your lungs. My H has sensitive lungs but the DE doesn't bother him.

Good info 3R! I just looked it up and boy are you right! There is tons of contradictory info out there  :doh:

I'm glad you were able to verbalize that the handyman was making you uncomfortable.  Sometimes it doesn't even have to be verbal... it's a feeling I get.  Once I swore this guy was trying to smell my hair! Ugh! Sends chills up my spine to even think about it.

thanks, db.  yep, i know that 'icky' feeling.  no words necessary, but you just know something's not right.  i hate it.  we won't let him back here.

and, 3r, how does the d. e. work?  use it on the carpets?  smush it into the cat?  i don't know the exact procedure for how it's done.  thank you.

Ha ha I imagined smooshing it into the cat!!!!!  A funny visual indeed.

I once watched an episode of My cat from heck that had a couple who "buttered their cat". Ha ha.  They did it to get private time

DE destroys the exoskeleton of insects, so it's not instant. You sprinkle it on the animal itself and in your home. Here's another link for more info: http://www.absorbentproductsltd.com/diatomaceous-earth-for-fleas.html

Some people even use diatomaceous earth in their vegetable gardens but since it will kill beneficial insects as well I don't use it on my flowers.

thanks, 3r - this helps a lot.  i appreciate it, all the links.  you're swell!

i saw a look of betrayal on buffy's face tonite, one that i've never seen, one that i never had, but should have, many, many times from too many directions.  i felt it, finally, in my heart tonite, and went to a very dark place.  more sobs, more exhaustion. 

i can't understand this type of betrayal, altho it came at me so very many times.  i never felt it till tonite, and the dam imploded.  i'll be on the porch a few days, nursing my broken heart, tattered soul.  i want a blanket of care and compassion, hot chocolate, and my rocker.  i'll have ems with me for nurturing and healing.  this may take awhile.

also had to stop reading 'to kill a mockingbird' before the jury came back.  altho the evidence is overwhelming, i know there's too much hate and fear now and then, and i can't stand it.

Hey San,
Big hugs for u today  :hug:  :hug:
I will probably be on the porch later, see u there  :wave:
WB

Dear San, I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. There's not much I can say that will help. But I'm standing here with you, sending you love and strength!
I would love to share a cup of hot chocolate with you on the porch, if you don't mind the company. We can talk of little things, or nothing at all. :hug:

Hey sweetie,
I know you are hurting right now.  I'll come take care of you on the porch my dear.  I will play you a song that's proven to help pick me back up.

Even though it was hard, I think you know how important it was to let those tears come.  I'm impressed that you recognized  that you needed to express the loss and grief that you saw on tv.
Take care and I'll come help take care of you too  :hug:

wb, sceal, and db - i couldn't have had better company.  thank you so much.  i came here to read your responses several times, they were exactly what i needed, hugs, love, and the caring i could feel.  it was wonderful.

this whole thing about relationships, long past and more recent, has thrown me for a loop.  my d told me that now that i'm getting my feelings back, i'm simply experiencing what every woman experiences - welcome to the group!  i think, tho, that since i haven't felt or even been consciously aware of all this stuff, it's still been inside, heaped up, toxic and poisonous, wreaking havoc with me and my system.

so, now that i'm feeling safer (i believe that's what's going on, living here w/ my d, stress and tension all but eliminated between the 2 of us), and becoming not only more mindful, but also pushing myself to re-wire this tangled brain of mine re: emotions, feelings are now able to get thru what was once disconnected, and i am consciously recognizing emotional facial expressions (beyond my ken in the past) and being able to relate to the feelings behind them for the first time in all these years (thank you, alexithymia).

this last implosion about betrayal, and all the tears that would have normally gone along with all the pain/hurt involved in so many relationships throughout the years simply made all those parts known at the same time.  it's not a fun way to experience this, but in the long run i know it's a good thing.  i'm becoming more human.  still, it takes an awful lot out of me when it happens.

i'll stop for now, but there's more.  i learned about women and oxytocin, which i found extremely interesting, and explained a lot of what i went thru with the mr.

in the meantime, my dear, darling friends, you can't know how much your caring and compassion mean to me.  love and hugs back to you. 

Sending you all the love and warmth I can dear.  :hug: :hug: Always with you

It seems life is throwing a number of boomerangs your way, san. So I'm sending good thoughts.

Warm wishes to you! Blessings of health, friends, and love heaped on you to over flowing.  :hug:

el, blueberry, and 3r - you all mean so much to me.  thank you for the well wishes.

today i'm a wreck.  ate too much sugar, am paying for it.  also drained from all the emotional stuff.  i have to go to the food bank today, but i need a few days just by myself, or at least w/ minimal contact.  someone else just wrote about being mad that this happens cuz of our past.  man, i'm with her all the way on that.

off to the porch.

Dear SanMagic, I hope you are able to relax and replenish your energy on the Porch, and wishing you something calming - hope you feel better later.   :hug:
Hope  :)

I am dreaming of a cinnamon cake, with some nice frosting on top. I know you're trying to avoid sugar, but my imaginary cake is super tasty without the sugar. I'd be happy to share a slice and a cup of tea with you.
:bighug:

hope, your gentle kindness flows thru me, relaxing me.  thank you for that so very much.

sceal, i love the visualization, and will definitely join you in enjoying that.  than you so.

looks like all the stress of the past month has resulted in a muscle spasm in my hip.  don't have muscle relaxors, but xanax helps.  will also go to a relaxation video i particularly enjoy today.

my d did a rundown of all that's happened this last month, and it was way more than i even thought of.  besides all the emotions brought up by triggers on the 'buffy' episodes, we've also been battling this flea infestation, the resulting misery of both my d and her cat (and all my internal concern for both of them - by the by, seems better since yesterday, so a modicum of relief), financial concerns, more conversation than i've been used to in many, many years, the breakup with the mr. and wanting to isolate for a bit with no chance to really do so.

yeah, no wonder my body is screaming.  time to relax, rest, read something fun and light.  listen to the waves while i rock on the porch. 

Glad you are realizing all that has gone on (sounds like my own realization last night). I will be with you on the porch today as well dear. Soaking up the calming energy.

I hope you can get your hip to relax and start to let go. I am personally looking forward to trying to do some light yoga tonight. I haven't been able too since I got sick.

Sending gentle hugs. Let EMS use her healing energy to help settle and heal all of the noise from the last month so your body can let go, even if just for a bit. She can hold onto all of it until you want to pick it back up, or if you never want to pick it all back up that is okay too. No need to carry more than your share ever.  :hug: :hug:

thanks for the ems reminder, sweetie.  no, i think i'll let her keep it.  i just wish i was more aware of how i'm holding stress in before it gets to such a painful place.  it's better today, by the by - thankful for that.

a bit more resting today.  maybe some book work.  i may be teaching some classes in jan. and i need to re-read and edit the book form so i can have it available to anyone who shows up.  but, i love doing it, even if i can't spend too much energy on it at a time.  it'll get done, tho.

still struggling with fleas, altho they've calmed down a bit.  sprinkled and sprayed this morning.  whew!  it's just tiring.  we'll see how the day goes. 

A nice relaxing soak in an Epsom salts bath is very soothing for achey muscles. Lavender is helpful, too. 💜

Glad the EMS reminder helped. She is great at holding and then letting go of that stuff for us. Sending lots of love your way my dear  :hug:

I love that feeling of enjoying something! I really enjoy so much of what I do.  I think enjoying yourself can also be a great form of self care.  :hug:

my hip seized up worse than ever today - am on muscle relaxers right now.  if this isn't better in a day or two, it's off to the e.r.  i can barely hobble to the john.  my d is taking good care of me, but i have nothing to give right now.  love you all.

Sorry to here your hip is playing up
I'm glad your d is there to look after you, wishing you a quick recovery

san, you give just by writing and sending your love :yes:

Here's hoping your hip settles down again. Good to hear your d is taking good care of you. Way better than you being alone with your troublesome hip.  :hug: :hug:

I agree with Blueberry,
You give without even knowing it my dear.  :hug:

Hope your hip eases up.  My friend's does that too but it depends which part of the hip for her treatment.  Front she finds some bulb in the front near the stomach and massages it.  In the side she uses heat and ice.  Good luck with your hon.  :hug:

3r, el, db, blueberry, wb, i want you all to know how much i appreciate your well wishes, kind words, and support.  i'm still on muscle relaxers and xanax, just trying to force my brain and body to relax, no easy feat for me.  i think the hip is beginning to loosen a bit, tho, which is good.  my d is on board with me and the meds - she's monitoring me.

i told her that i was anxious about getting hooked on these drugs, worried about my posture cuz i'm pretty bent over just to walk, and realized this is only the third day i'm taking the meds, we're keeping a close eye on all of it.  the last time muscles seized up on me was before my cancer surgery, and it took about a month for them to settle down.

so, trust the magic, right?  it'll come right eventually.  i miss being able to walk w/ my d, tho.  that's nearly a daily affair for us.  right now my legs are too wobbly to even attempt it.  it's just an inconvenience - a painful one, to be sure, but i've survived pain.  this, too, shall pass.  love you all. 

Hang in there, kiddo  :grouphug:

That sounds really difficult. I hope that it doesn't take nearly as long as last time. Have you looked at maybe using any peppermint oil, or things like icy hot in combination with the relaxers to see if it might help the process?

Lots of love to you  :hug:

3r, i'[m hangin'.  el, no, don't have oils like that.  baths aren't relaxing to me, either.  thanks for the support, both of you.

it finally feels like that muscle is now mostly sore from being seized up for those days, so i think it's a bit better.  i'm cutting down on the muscle relaxers, will just do the xanax and ibuprofen today.  plus, the fleas reared their ugly heads again, so i think we'll try another option to scatter around, see if that works (thanks for the d.e. suggestion, 3r). 

last nite when my d discovered another bite on her leg, and a live flea on her cat, the air just got sucked out of the room.  i sprayed the upstairs before going to bed last nite, will do the downstairs today.  we may get another treatment for the cat as well.  i just feel so bad for them both - the critters don't bother me at all.

i swear, if it isn't one thing it's another.  we've barely had time to take a breath since we've moved in.  just this little crap that creates a lot of chaos.  and neither of us do well in chaos.  we like variation, but not this kind of thing.  we've both lived too long under such circumstances.  it's just wearing.

wah wah wah! 

someone reminded me to think of something pos., so i will do just that.  i got accepted as an educator at the community college nearby.  will have to wait to see if enough people sign up for my series before it's an actual 'go', but i was glad to be accepted.  that was a good thing.  i do love to teach.

Hi SanMagic,
Really good to hear you've been accepted as an educator at the community college - that is really good. 
Just wanted to send you a gentle and warm hug - and hope that you become less sore as time goes on - and hoping the chaos will give way to calm very soon.  You deserve some calm and tranquillity.
Hope  :)

thank you my dear hope for those well wishes.

since the fleas have come back, i've already been spraying everything, and can feel my stress level shooting way up already.  i feel exhausted - again.  part of it is just the nuisance of it, but a lot of it is the blow back of my d's neg. emotions around this.  she is so bummed, itching, worried about her cat, and almost has a very low energy about combatting these things just at the time when the battle has to be aggressively renewed.

one foot in front of the other - again.  i just don't want this stress to knock me toes over teakettle one more time.   ugh - i hate this crapola.

ok, something good.  a good tennis match in a bit that i can relax and enjoy.  focus on that.

an emotional nite tonite.  felt very sad for myself that it's only been a few months out of 71 yrs. that i feel safe.  my guts are heaving around inside.  i just want to rest.

Dear SanMagic,
I hope you can rest today - and I hope that your guts will settle and allow you to feel some peace too - I really wish that we could all come over and help fumigate your place so those little flea critters were gone - and you could have some respite.  I hope your tennis match was a good one. 
:hug: to you SanMagic
Hope  :)

 :bighug:

It's ok to feel sad for yourself you know? I'm so sad for all the ills in your life friend.  Please let me know if you need anything.  EMs surround you to make your breathing easier and allow you to have a restful night's sleep.  :hug:

:bighug:

thanks for the hugs, hope, 3r, and db.  i love them.  thanks for the well wishes and the reminder of ems.  deep breath thinking of her right now.

i let the world get to me last night.  i know what's going on that we don't see.  i usually can keep it at bay pretty well, but last nite saw a tv show where people were being horrible to people just because they could, and they wanted to inflict pain on others.  i flashed to my life, how many people did that to me, how much hate is out in the open now, how much hate has been directed toward me, and i crumbled under the burden.

i am not hopeful for this world, but i hang on for my d.  and we talked to the vet yesterday - there's still so much work to do about the fleas.  dang, it's supposedly only about 2 more weeks for their cycle to resolve itself, but it just breaks my heart for my d.  they love her, she's physically miserable, she's working her butt off to make sure we have enough money for rent and bills, and then this is piled on top of her.  it's so awful to see. 

so i vacuumed this morning, resprayed, will vacuum again tomorrow and the next day, etc. and maybe it'll take care of them.  we're also getting d.e. tomorrow, so we'll be spreading that as well.  this house is so big, it's just a lot of work and all i want to do is rest.

i told my d this morning that i have to take a break from watching the shows we've been watching - too triggering.  i need something light and stupid funny for awhile.  i've been loving those shows, but can't take them right now.  too much evil to see and feel.

crapola, sometimes i think i'm making it, and then i get hit in the head like this.  i haven't felt this down in a long time.

I am glad you are with ems today. That is a lot to take in for anyone, and I hope you can get some rest. I will be in the porch with comforting blankets and warm drinks if you want any.  :hug: Sending you all the love I can  :hug:

el, that love is reciprocated.  i do feel better.  had a good chat w/ my d - she had a rough day today, too, and i think we're both a wee bit better together.  thanks for your support.  dang, it's just been a lot of constant working to get rid of these pests, and i think my fatigue has left me more vulnerable to triggers.  ugh!  hoping tomorrow is better.   i appreciate all the support i've gotten the past week - it so helped me.  love you all.

it's amazing what some good sleep can do.  i feel so much better this morning.  ready to tackle the world again.  or at least the flea world.

my d has published her third novel, it comes out today.  we went out to eat yesterday to celebrate, and we'll do some of that today as well.  i've never known anyone to work harder.  i'm a loud and proud mama right now.

we talked about all my triggers of late - i think i just got worn down with this stupid flea problem, my defenses were weakened, my schedule was off - it all makes a big difference to me in how i'm able to manage my emotions.  not very able to take things in stride anymore if my routine is off for any length of time.  i was never a 'routine' person in the past, but it's become very important to me at this time in my life.

thank you all for your support.  i can't make this work without you.  love and hugs all around.

 :hug: :hug:

I am so glad to hear you finally got some good sleep and are starting to feel better. I hope you can tackle the flea problem and both you and your d can get some peace from this.

It is exciting her novel is coming out today, definitely celebration worthy  :cheer:

I have become a bit of a routine person too, it helps the triggers out a lot to have some sort of routine. Hopefully you can get back to a settled routine, I think it will help your energy a lot.

Always with you my dear :bighug:

san, I'm sending  :hug: :hug:    Having annoying little critters around like fleas, mice or infestation of moths triggers all sorts in me and those steps you have to keep making to get rid of the problem really do me in. So I can sort of understand what you're going through.

Your response on my journal means so much to me. So good to read. Thank you tons!

That's awesome about her 3rd novel! I'd be a proud mama too  :bigwink:

Sometimes when things are happening physically it effects my mental health too.  It's harder to let that stuff roll off the shoulders if I'm sick for example.  Glad you got a good night's sleep  :hug:

So exciting! I'm glad to hear your mood has been lifted. Such a struggle we have! You're a fighter, through and through. 💪

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 13, 2018, 01:05:33 PM
i got accepted as an educator at the community college nearby.  will have to wait to see if enough people sign up for my series before it's an actual 'go', but i was glad to be accepted.  that was a good thing.  i do love to teach.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: and congrats for your d too on getting her third novel published! I'd be proud too. I know it's not necessarily all that easy to get your work published.

Hi SanMagic,
Really glad to hear that you felt better after that night's sleep and I hope your day has been a bit better.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

el, db, 3r, hope, and blueberry - thank you all.  i've read your responses several times in the past few days.  you all are so grounding for me, so supportive, and so kind.  i'm so grateful to have you in my life - you can't even know what you mean to me.

the other day i looked in the mirror and i didn't recognize myself.  it was a horrible feeling.  i don't know if it's cuz of the stress we've been experiencing here with these pesky critters (hopefully, we're in the last 2 weeks of their life cycle), but it's a lot of physical work every day, and it's taking a toll on me.

even tho i did hair and makeup for my d's celebration day last fri., the face in the mirror looked old and unfamiliar.  it was rather distressing, upending.  usually i can smile and make my eyes sparkle, and that seems to remove the bags under my eyes, and that unnerving sense that my age is showing like never before, but not this time.  i don't like it.

plus it seems like both my hearing and eyesight is going away (can't afford docs right now, don't have a car to get to them, either), and i can't help thinking that my d is telling her friends that i'm going downhill.  she's ever so patient with me when i ask her to repeat something or i forget something, cheery and kind, but, dang!  i don't want to become this doddering old lady.

hopefully this will ease up once the critters are gone.  too much work, and it's not setting well with me.

so, wah wah wah, but i just wanted to complain, and this is a good place to get it out of me.

 :bighug: :bighug:

San,
Age is in your spirit my friend.  You are not a doddering old lady!

I wish I had you near me so I could give you a real hug to ease your stress.  With you always sweetie  :hug:

Big hug! I cannot understand what it is to look in the mirror and see my age, nor feel the body faltering due to age.
But I do recognise the feeling of not knowing who is looking back at you from the mirror. It is disconcerting.  :hug:

As for your hearing, have you considered that some of it might be due to earwax? Put some kitchen oil in your ear and cover it with a cotton bud when you go to sleep for 3-4 days to clear it up. If it doesn't help, at least you'll have clean ears  ;)

bb, db, and sceal, thank you all for the hugs.  i love them, appreciate them and all of you.

those big emoji hugs feel like i'm being gathered in, wrapped up in a caring embrace, bb. 

actually, db, i've firmly believed my spirit is 27, have for a long time.  it's just the age stuff showing up on my face.  i've always looked 15-20 yrs. younger than i am, but that gap is closing in the mirror.  it's weird, disheartening.  i know it's from stress.  soon, soon we should have less of it in the house when those critters are gone.

thanks for the tip, sceal.  i've actually had that problem with my right ear - the tube is bent inside - and have had to get it flushed, so i know what that type of hearing loss feels like.  but, i'll try your suggestion, so thanks.

and, yeah, it is disconcerting not to recognize the face in the mirror.  i look much more worn down than i ever have. 

so, one more big push today to kill these critters.  we had so many plans for cooking for the holiday, and now we're just feeling drained.  i'll push thru, i always do, but that sense of anticipation for baking and stuff is becoming more difficult to sustain.  aaaaah , . .

27 sounds about right to me  :yes:

I look young too! I just got carded buying adult beverages this weekend.  I'm 36 ha ha  :wave:

Sending even more :bighug:

I am hopeful all this stress will get to dissipate soon, I can imagine it is really wearing on you physically. Your soul does seem about 27 to me, honestly I have always believed myself to be a bit of an old soul, like hundreds of years but stuck in a 24 year old body at this point. Odd as it seems, I have always looked younger than my age but always felt much older.

i think that's worth a chuckle, db.  love it!

thanks for that embrace, el.  just the opposite here, i've never felt old.  too much of a free spirit for that.  a wood nymph kind of thing.  or the autistic edge i sit on.  that could be it as well.  i like nymph better, tho.

we were only able to get 1/2 our house done today - both of us were exhausted.  so, we'll tackle the rest tomorrow.  no new bites on my d for 2 days now.  3 has been the magic number since this started.   

so, hopefully we're on the home stretch.

I love the nymph is suits you well. I think my old soul bit comes from people always telling me I was wiser than my years and allowing me to be around people so much older than me my whole life. I love the idea of being a free woodland nymph but never felt that to be my own soul. I always envisioned some sort of water spirit that was years old, had seen the world, and offered answers wherever it traveled. Free in its motion and movement but old in knowledge and years if that makes sense.

Sending lots of luck for the other half of the house.  :hug:

thanks for the nymph support, el.

actually, we didn't get to the rest of the house.  our little vacuum cleaner is pooped, we didn't want to risk it.  some other day we'll have more energy, can clean it thoroughly, and we'll tackle the rest.

i realized today that i'm getting a do-over.  i'm getting to be the mom to my d that she never got to have before.  it's amazing, and i'm loving it.  i'm spoiling her, she's got all my attention without her sister's stuff interfering, i'm cooking for her, doing stuff just cuz she likes it, and i'm enjoying her like i was never able to do before.  thank you, god.

and, as i was thinking about this today, in a big way i'm thankful that i discovered this whole c-ptsd shebang.  it explained so much, which cleared up my lifetime of confusion, and led me here to this place of care, comfort, support and healing, the likes of which i've never known before.

it also got me involved with the most wonderful bunch of people i've never met.  i could not have made it this far without you.  so, yeah, i'm thankful for c-ptsd.  love and hugs to you all.

San,
I just want you to know that I adore you.  I think it's so important that you and your daughter get to spend time and make good memories together.  New memories that are not clouded by narcissists, no matter what their form.

Have a wonderful thanksgiving friend.  :bighug:

back atcha, darlin'.  thank you - you are part of my heart family.

looking forward to tomorrow.  we have been making new memories, and tomorrow is one of them.  it will be great.

HI SanMagic,
I hope you enjoy making those new memories.  Sounds very positive and Happy ThanksGiving.   :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks, hope, and a very happy thanksgiving to you, too.  love and hugs.

thanksgiving went really well - it's so nice having this holiday with my d.  however, today the after-the-holiday letdown happened and i crashed big time.  just laid in bed feeling so depressed, tears running down my cheeks, feeling so alone.

it's been so busy, frantic, stressful the past 2 weeks leading up to this, what with the ultra-aggressive attack on the critters, having to see my d so uncomfortable, making all the plans for the holiday, all the cooking (which i haven't done in a long time), and the cleanup afterwards - wow, we're still working on that.

i remember this happening after most every christmas - i was always very busy with everything going on for the holidays, and the day after, boom!  everything was done, finished, all over.  that frenetic pace stopped on a dime, and all that energy, all that stress was gone overnight.  it was like a terrible depression the entire day after - listless, apathetic, confused, adrift.

at least i know what this is, and it will pass.  it's a bum bum having to feel it, tho, to go thru it.  so, i'm just gonna do some menial physical things, a little laundry, a shower, and maybe watch some football.  maybe just go back to bed.

some of this, too, i think is the responsibility i've shouldered in staying alive and viable for my d.  she suffers from anxiety, which is why she's not working full time anywhere but trying to make it as an author and editor.  my soc. sec. is what allows her to be able to stay in this house and pay the bills.  she's playing a sort of catch-up financial game that includes getting clients, which is no stability at all.  she works her butt off, but every month she's not sure if the next month will be as good.

it's a hard life - i've lived it.  so my goal is to be around at least till she makes enough sales on her books, gets a steady clientele, and can make it on her own.  i don't know how possible this is or when, even.  i can't share this with her, so i'm writing it here.  there's a chance that a friend of hers is wanting to move here, live with us, work here.  that's my hope - it would make everything so much easier on everyone.  however, she's in school, and it will be at least another 2 yrs. for anything to come to fruition.

so, yeah, we're flying by our coattails, month to month.  it gets wearing.  i'm hoping to have a workshop going in jan., which would bring in a few extra $$$, too.  i love the thought of getting back out there, but i don't relish the idea of having deadlines.  that started freaking me out when i had clients in mex.

so, we'll see.  one foot in front of the other.  fingers crossed and prayers flying that this all works out the way we want it to.  that would be so great.

I saw this and just wanted to send  :hug: :hug:  :grouphug: From one go-back-to-bedder to another ;)

i hear ya, sistah!   :hug:

feeling better today - back to bed was the best medicine.

plus, our critter drama seems to be dying down, and we're not so frantic anymore.  that feels wonderful.

so, i've got a potential food/eating workshop series coming up in jan., and i've written the program down in a book form.  i've begun editing, taking notes.  1 more ch. today.  the brainwork can be more tiring than phys. work in some ways.   i think bb has spoken to that already. 

i'll be excited to teach again - i've always loved it.  also a possible gig at the comm. college.  depends, both of them, on if there are enough people for a group.  that's always unpredictable.  honestly, tho, for many years i thought this would never happen again because i was too sick to even imagine it.  i had a few clients in mex., but had to stop - it was too stressful.

now i know that the cancer crawling across my scull for all those years was really killing me and my energy level, my ability to see a future where i was active and doing what i love.  whew!  so, today is a good day - i accomplished some stuff, and looked into the future more steadily than i have in many, many years.  it feels so good.

it also helps to keep the black political thoughts at bay as well.  something wonderfully positive to focus on.  lovin' that.

Too tired to say much but wanted to send you some love  :hug:

thanks, sweetie, and back atcha.  hope you get some rest.  i'm tired tonite, but in a good way. 

i've been experiencing some adolescent 'me's' since i've been here.  i went thru a rebellious stint, putting my d in the mom position (it was an issue about the mr.), and lately this teenage girl having a crush on a celebrity.  i had missed out on both those things when actually an adolescent - at least, not forthrightly feeling it at the time, i don't think.  these two instances felt like filling an adolescent hole that i hadn't realized was there.

this 'crush' thing has just been fun.  enjoying it immensely, and my d is enjoying me enjoying it.  we're just having a good time about it all.  it's nice o feel like a kid again.  kind of revs up the red blood corpuscles (hahaha - the crush is on a vampire from the 'buffy' series! - spike).

anyway, i'm smiling now.  i never knew i really had these parts.  thanks to other forum members for being so open about their journey concerning this.  it's helped a lot.

I am so glad you are getting in touch with thise parts of you ❤ It sounds like she is happy to bring you some joy and new experiences.  I love it so much  :hug: thank you for sharing with us

thanks, my darlin' el.  it's been lots of fun, for the most part.  playing the rebellious d to her 'mom' image, wasn't cute or fun, but i really did feel like a snarky, hormonal teen when we were going thru it.  i never openly rebelled like that with my parents - just left their home and moved across the country even tho they didn't want me to.  i didn't have to deal with the consequences of that, altho my younger b and my dad sure did.

but, i guess that's what passive rebellion is about.  i was in my 20's by then, so it wasn't quite adolescence anymore.  i broke their rules left and right, but i was away so there was never a confrontation like with my d.  still, now i've experienced it, and that part of me has been quieted.

this crush thing, tho - what a hoot!  so glad to be in it, so glad it's so much fun.  i don't remember giggling with girlfriends about boys or crushes (except in a generic way with my best friend about the beatles), but before i was a senior in high school i really only had one friend, and we didn't get much chance to go out and giggle.  i'm enjoying it now.

whoever said it's never too late to have a happy childhood may have known something.  i'm looking forward to what else may be on the horizon.

This is overall so positive  :hug: I am always so glad to hear you getting some of these experiences, it is amazing what working with and allowing our inner children space does. Cheering you on as you get doses of this rebellion and crush stuff

Glad to hear you doing so well.  I'm immensely happy for you darling  :hug:

I want to say more but I'm still not there yet.  Maybe later

Sounds like you're having some genuine carefree fun there with that crush stuff, San! It must feel liberating to be doing something a little different like that.
Glad to see you're looking forward to things.

Regards,
Ellis.

Big hug to you! I am so glad you're enjoying your celebrity crush! So much fun! I love having them, personally. Safe, simple and the imagination can be quite fun!  :whistling:

definitely!  thanks for the support.  it feels new to me, i really do feel like a 16-yr. old.  fizzy bubbles inside.

 ;D So happy for you you're going through these teen experiences now with your Inner Teens, filling in the holes from then.  :cheer: I have those sorts of holes too, but not at the right place in my healing for them. 

thanks for the  :cheer:, bb.  you know, i didn't even realize i had those holes.  my d and i talk about this house being magic, and i believe it.  our surrounding are like a fairyland.  it's all protecting us from what's going on elsewhere, and it seems like i'm safe enough to recognize those holes now.  i don't doubt you'll get there as well, hopefully sooner than you imagine.  i know i didn't expect this.

anyway, my d told me today she likes this teen version of me a whole lot better than that snarky rebellious teen.  i told her that's what it's like to be a mom to one - she's got that experience under her belt whether she actually ever has kids or not - lol!

i'm just gonna ride this wave and enjoy the thrill of it all for now.  too much fun to give up.  and like sceal said, the imagination can go anywhere.  giggle giggle

You go girl, 16 sounds like it could be fun with those fizzy bubbles happening, enjoy yourself  :woohoo: :woohoo:

thanks, wb.  you brought a lovely smile to me with your  :woohoo:   thanks.

TW  ***  POLITICS *** TW



last nite i watched the latest episode of 'murphy brown'.  i watched that original show, so i know it's political, about journalists.  last nite, tho, it struck a chord with me that i've been attempting to ignore, not talk about.  when the characters spoke of the state of the u.s., tho, and that they're now afraid to be frank and forthright - in other words, do their jobs - it really was disturbing.

as i've mentioned before, i have not felt much fear in my life, and i'm glad.  however, i am now scared (not just upset) because of what's happening in this country.  i lived in mex. for 16 yrs., with corruption, cartels, bribery, poverty, and the horrors that go on there, but i was never afraid, not where i lived.  that town was my safety cocoon, the one place i used to think of when someone asked me where i felt 'safe'.

never, in all my life as an activist, feminist, volunteer, and politically-aware woman had i ever dreamed that someday i would actively be so disheartened that i would consciously refuse to take part in the political system of this country.  i voted as soon as i turned 18, and in every election possible till i moved to mex.  i wanted to believe that we'd find a way.

my optimism continually took hits, but i bounced back.  i've seen a lot on the political front, but nothing has ever scared me the way this country is now doing.  the hate is so hard to bear at times, it's all i can do to continue standing.   i went to sleep in tears for what has become of this nation.  fighting back the fear has become a full-time job.

so i sit in my house at the edge of the rainforest, trees, shrubs, and flowers surrounding me, expecting to see mystical creatures frolicking out my bedroom window, and praying that the magic that is here will protect my d and me.  she, too, is sorely affected by all this. 

so far, we are strong enough to fight against the despair.  that episode, tho, brought it smack dab into my face.  mb/candace bergen has always fought the good fight, and never let anything or anyone stand in her way.  last nite i saw her frightened, and that scared me even more.

just had to get this out.  it's in my entrails now, and things will never be the same.

wow, i totally crashed today after my 'spike' giggle, fizzy, bubbly high.  overwhelmed with sadness at what i couldn't be at that age.  that sadness extrapolated onto how i couldn't be the person i wanted to be, the mom i wanted to be, or the friend i wanted to be.  this sucks.

i was able to sit with the feeling for awhile, remembering everyone who had written about doing so,  then i started crying, kept that up, began shaking,  ok, enuff.  that's not good for me, so it was science to the rescue. 

just wanted to put this down.  it helps to be able to acknowledge, admit, accept, and express this stuff for me.  seems to help my healing process.

then i felt anger at all the people who took advantage of my confusion, who emotionally abused an overall giving, nurturing, and loving nature.  batards!!!

Dear San. Warm hug to you!
I understand the sadness you feel about all the lost opportunities you had to let go, or maybe at the time wasn't aware you were missing out on. Allow the sadness, acknowledge it for a little bit, I think you already did by sitting with the emotions for a while. How about you work towards being the mother, friend and person whom you want to be now? It doesn't make up for what you lost, but maybe it can make your present life better? We are supposed to be living in the moment they say.
I know what I am suggesting is super hard to do, but it starts with a wish I think.

Also, I do think it is healthy to allow yourself to be angry at all of the people in your life that took advantage of you and * up your life.

my dear sweet sceal, thank you.

you know, i am doing just that, making the decision of who i want to be and following thru on it day by day.  i think a lot of what goes on with me emotionally is that at the time i didn't have access to the emotions (alexithymia stuff), so they were there but i couldn't label them or access them consciously. 

for most of my life i know i carried sadness around - it showed in my eyes, but i didn't have a focus for it (like i wrote previously about my constant crying).  i know this because people would ask me, as soon as i wasn't animated, talking, or laughing, 'why are you so sad?  usually this was by strangers, in bars, when i was sitting and watching others dancing or waiting for a girlfriend to come back from the john.

they saw it, so many of them, so i knew it was showing - i just couldn't feel it (like i couldn't feel anger or fear or happy or joy or anything of that nature of emotional levels.  so, feeling this sadness today is a step forward, even tho it's painful as all get out.  i have a focus for it finally - at least this little piece of it.

i'm also able to cry about it cuz i can finally recognize what it's for, so this crying has a focus, too.  this is all good stuff, all progress in my being more human.  honestly, i really wasn't, even tho i tried to be.  i just didn't have the tools, the awareness, the neural connections; hence, i didn't have the capability.

i didn't cry for any of my breakups, divorces, my folks' deaths (not till about 8 yrs. later, actually and that was, weirdly enough, during an orgasm.  it seems that such a state of vulnerability began allowing other emotions to push thru.  i've been able to utilize sex and funerals as emotional outlets that had little to do with what was really going on tangibly.

i know i still have sadness and buckets of tears inside, but they are slowly making their way out.  i cried with my d today, told her about what was going on, and she was patient and kind, and allowed, even encouraged me to keep crying as long as i needed to.  then she told me that in the past 5 mos. that we've been living together here in this magical place, she's seen a lot of improvement/changes.

she told me i seemed more stable, more active, not so prone to stay in bed, not so stressed (well, i was dying when i first got up here, and after the cancer was taken care of, my body and brain were able to regroup.  i imagine that plays a pretty big part, too.)

but, it's good to feel healthier, and i think that being here with her, being allowed to be me in all facets, has helped a great deal.  she's been a godsend, and i'm so glad she allowed me to live with her.  she knows therapeutic processes, so she accepts this stuff, accepts me going thru it.

so, yeah, sceal, i do concentrate on being the best me possible.  there is so much unfinished business with this emotional vacuum i've been living in tho, that it's only now beginning to make itself known on a conscious level.  i think, at my age, this is the first time i've felt accepted and safe enough to allow it to happen, to re-wire this brain so i can be more of who i've always wanted to be.  that's a long time of being unaware, confused, storing it up.  it hurts like crazy, but i believe it's part of the healing process, and it will continue to make things easier for me moving forward.

off to the porch for the rest of the weekend.  i need to rest from this.  it's a biggie.

off the porch for a bit of a rant.  my ex called my d last nite, wanted her to hop on a plane today to help him cuz he's coming home from the hospital.  we live half a country away, while my other d lives in the same city as him.  dd (darling d) has terrible anxiety about traveling and changes, and this was all rush rush.  he's been in the hospital a week, has known about coming home, and he waited till the last minute.

grinds my gears.  i hate seeing her being put thru this, and ncd (for both of-----ack!  i can't even write!!!

needless to say, it was a rough nite last nite, on top of it being a rough day.  she's calmer now, has everything planned, and she'll be gone at least a week.  he does this kind of crap all the time, has ever since i've known him - relies on the strong women in his life to take care of things for him.  biggest coward i've ever known.

ok, enuff.  ugh.  back to the porch.   i hate this crapola.  but i feel better knowing she feels better.  i just can't tell her any of this stuff cuz only vitriol would come out of my mouth, and she doesn't need that.  so, i leave it here where it can't hurt either of us.  thanks.

 :fallingbricks: :doh:  ??? :hug: :hug:

 :bighug:

I'm gathering you up my dear in loving arms.  Hope  you were able to sleep.

I also feel anger at those who took advantage of you sweetie.

Kudos to you on getting that anger out here.  That's a good step in the process of letting some melt away

3r, you hit those nails on the head and made me smile.  thanks for that.

db, i love the embrace.  thanks for the validation as well.  i appreciate it a lot.

:hug: :hug: to you both.

I was so frustrated at ur ex, feel like ringing him myself and telling him what fore, of course I'd be to gutless but some part of me is cheering this idea, this behaviour has touched a sore spot, so I'm empathising big time, well done with refraining from saying all that to your d.
:hug:

thank you, wb, for that support.  i loved it.

yeah, she left this morning, and i broke down and sobbed for about 10 min.  just thinking about him and his lecherous thoughts, i can't stand the idea that she'll be in the same room with him.  i swear, if he thinks anything untoward about her, he will be cursed.

i couldn't help it - thinking of him giving her a hug, all the hate came spewing forth.  try as i might not to hate, it's something i can't stop.  i know it's un-christian (if that's the bar for being a good person), but it's there and i can't help it.  maybe it'll fade someday, but it sure came roaring back this morning.

refraining from saying anything to her was me holding it in.  i so much wanted to say something to her about covering up as much as possible when she's with him, any icky feelings she might get from him, to be careful,  :blahblahblah:  but i didn't.  i guess it was too strong for me to hold in, tho, after she left.

so, the neighbors know i'm home alone, i've got phone numbers for them, and i'll take i.d. (for you, el) when i go for a walk.  it'll be a long week, and it might be 10 days if she decides to take the bus home.  plus, there's weather to contend with there, and i hope that doesn't interfere with anything for her traveling.

ugh, i just want to curl up in a ball all week, let it pass, then get my life back.  i'm scared.  well, that just came out.  i'm in the safest place i've ever been, and this is the place where, on my own, i feel frightened.  don't know what of.  this fear thing was never there before, and i've driven to and from mex. on my own (2300 mi. one way) several times, never once felt fear.  getting some of these emotions back, i don't like this one.

so,  :spooked: - yeah, that's how i feel.  i'll get thru it, i know.  i know you're all with me and that'll help.  i hope my nervous system holds up.  guck!  this is not a fun feeling. 

Sending tons of love and support.  :hug: I am grateful you carry i.d. with you (thank you for remembering). I think the fear is healthy but don't let it over take you.  You have a strong support system, and lots of skills. My normal reaction would be to check in with little san and see if she is fearful (that is normally what it is for me).

Lots of love always,
Elpha

Hi SanMagic,  I would also like to send you a supportive hug  :hug:  I know you feel some fear about being alone, but I hope you know that we're at your side - thinking of you and wishing you warmth, comfort and support -  :grouphug:
Hope  :)

Thinking of you!  We are here for you while she's gone sweetie.  :grouphug:

el, thank you.  i looked, it seems like this is older, sicker, more easily overwhelmed, soft-boned me.  younger me wasn't afraid, didn't feel fear, really.  now, tho, i'm more aware of my failing capabilities, the potential for real damage if i fell or got hurt, how my mind doesn't absorb much before it shuts down.  my d has been taking care of all that for me, running interference when i've had to see a doc, settling things, setting stuff straight when i can't think clearly anymore.   

that's the me that feels afraid.  some of it might be catastrophizing, but some of it is just not being able to deal with input the way i used to.  failing memory.  too much info and my mind clamps shut.  i hope that i won't meet a situation like that while she's gone.  it all happened so fast, too.  not enough time to prepare.  i'm older now and the world looks different than it did before.

time was when i relished being all alone, especially driving.  that's taken away from me.  it's all changed now.   but i know you're with me, i can feel that.

hope and db, i feel both of you as well, and thank you for your support.  i know most everyone here wishes me well, and is with me.  and i do appreciate that, will keep focusing on that.  it just feels weird to feel fear like this.  that's frightening in itself.  i'm still not used to it, don't know what life would've been like if i'd always known it.

the first time i remember feeling fear on a very conscious level, huge fear, it stopped me from driving to mex., a trip i'd made solo several times and had never felt afraid of.  it didn't go away for 3 mos., which was when i moved there.  i'd started driving down there with my d to scope out places to live.  i'd already quit my job, burned all my bridges, and was ready to go.

she freaked halfway there, and we had to turn back.  no problem, i was just gonna drop her off at home, go to my place, get a good night's sleep, and drive back down the next day.  but when i got to my apt., sat down, i was overwhelmed by fear, and i knew that i wasn't driving anywhere the next day.  i decided to respect it, mainly cuz it was so unusual, instead of just pushing thru it. 

but that wasn't a younger me feeling afraid, either.  it was just me.  so, i believe this is just me, too.  older, sicker, all that crapola that has worn me down for all these years.   don't know if this is making any sense, or if it seems like i'm trying to dodge some reality that someone else sees and i don't.  that could be true, too.  i don't know.

i do know that i'll get thru this, one way or another.  i feel more strength as i wrote that.  whatever it takes, i'll be ok till she comes back.  i don't have to like it, tho.  and i sure as * don't like feeling like this.  hypervigilence, like i won't be able to sleep.  yeah, chest tightening, that's fear.  at least i can recognize it now.

so, this is quite a ramble, but it always helps me to write it out of me.  deep breath. 


TW  ******  SEXUAL FANTASIZING  *******  TW

light bulb.  i'm also afraid of my ex and his thoughts toward my d.  something i can't control.  several times i wanted to warn her to keep herself covered up, to leave his place if she started feeling 'icky' when with him, but i didn't.  just cuz he can't get it up anymore doesn't mean he's not going to see her and think 'sexy'.  glurble in the back of my throat.  makes me sick.

something else i can't control, something else i'm afraid of.  'nurse' fantasies.  'sponge bath' fantasies.  whatever his mind might come up with.  geez, i hate this.  i hope he doesn't do any of that.  if i were a witch, i'd curse him so that he couldn't do that anymore. 



END TW

anyway, i'll make it.  i know you're all pulling for me, and you've got all my gratitude.  this just sucks.  don't know that i can respond to anyone while this is going on.  i'm pretty much focused on one step forward, one more day, make it to the end, then the next step, the next day, don't slip on cat yuck, don't trip getting out of the shower, careful, slow, easy does it, it will be over soon, stay mindful, watch where i'm putting my feet, slow, no hurry, small bites, chew well, and all that jazz.

breathe.  just breathe.

 :bighug: Having so much fear is...well it's frightful. It's exhausting, it's not great. I am sorry you have to feel it at such a degree as you're doing now, and over so many days. I hope that it will calm down bit by bit and you'll be able to breathe again.

Perhaps, when the fear is starting to become overwhelming, a thing that I do then, is to look around the room and say outloud the things I see " Seven blue pens, ornate wooden box, black smart phone, white electrical outlet, two windows, white curtains" etc. All the mundane things. It's to turn on your language center of your brain and reduce the activity in amygdala. It takes practice, but it helps.  :hug:

thank you darling sceal.  i just did that exercise, it is grounding.  i appreciate that.

so, made it thru the night, the cat's still alive, the house is still standing.  possible shower and walk to the post office today to mail a book for my d.  a nap first.  lots of youtube and netflix.  that also helped yesterday.

one day down. thank you everyone.  i imagined all of you standing around my bed last nite, a protective coating around me.  that was good.  i'll do it again tonite.   am tired today.  you're right, sceal, this stuff is exhausting.

I don't blame you for being nervous about your d being with the ex.  BUT!!!! From everything you have told me, she is a smart girl.  She'll be ok.

We can't control what your ex is thinking or fantasizing about, but often our minds can try to work out every scenario.  Try to ground when the thoughts come over you.

Squeeze an ice cube, pet the cat, write to us.  It will be ok  :hug:

thanks, db.  i appreciate your care and concern- a lot.

i'm feeling better tonite.  i think it was opening night/first day jitters that had me around the neck.  she's there, she's safe, she's got a lot of friends there if she needs to get out.

i was able to walk today, do an errand, shower, eat, and tonite i feel much more like my regular self.  weird how this stuff can grab hold in an instant.  my anxiety is way down.  i'll be ok.

thanks, everyone for your support.  you were all with me last nite, protecting me, and it really helped.  love to all.

 :thumbup: that you're feeling stronger and less anxious tonight.  :hug: :hug:

It is good to hear you are feeling more like your self again! ❤️ :hug:

thank you both, blueberry and sceal,  i'm glad it only took about a day to normalize.

i've noticed that i'm doing a lot of stuff, like watching youtube and videos that i don't normally do since she's been gone.  it feels like i have 'me' time, and it's not just 'mom' time.  i think i'll have to look at that a bit more closely.  putting my d first is one thing, but living for her in such a way is another.  hmmm . . .  gotta find a balance, methinks.

Hi SanMagic,
I'm glad you're enjoying some 'you' time - and your wish to find a good balance - that sounds really good.   :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks, hope.  it sounds good to me, too, so maybe i'm onto something.   :hug:

exhausted today.  just the little bit extra of having to worry about the cat, clean litter and anything else has caught up with me today.  also had to wash some of my d's things, do some extra critter spraying, hang up her clothes - my eyes are at half mast right now, and i've already taken a nap this morning.

happy that she's doing well, will get to spend time with her friends while she's there.  she's tired as well, cleaning, laundry, running errands, washing dishes, and just caretaking in general.  we're both going to be tired pups when she gets home, and i'm sure it will take a while to get back our energy.

in the meantime, altho i wanted to work on my book/workshop stuff, i'm returning to my original goals of making sure both me and the cat are alive when she gets home.  that's enough for going on with.  *yawn*

gonna rest on the porch, bringing some homemade gingerbread cookies that i magically conjured up for the season.

dang, worried about the critter problem again.  we didn't get a chance to do all that we wanted before my d left, and she told me she found a new bite while she was traveling.  i'm afraid the cat is licking and scratching more lately, too.  didn't realize how much this was affecting me till i listened to handel's 'messiah'  (i'm going to a church with my neighbor tomorrow to hear the locals sing it) by the mormon tabernacle choir (altho i heard they changed their name recently) and it was so beautiful and i burst into tears.

after all the crying was done, i realized how worried and scared i am about this critter problem rising up again.  my d won't be back till wed.  plus, just being responsible for her pet, who doesn't like to get picked up or petted.  so, no joy there.  ugh - i just feel like crap today.  gonna cocoon it, sit on the porch, just rock and rest.  been spending a lot of time there lately it seems.  can't keep it together more than a couple days at a time.

I'll be with you today on the porch. I could use some quiet company and a cup of cinnamon-apple tea. I'll build a fire for warmth, the crackling sound of a fire is soothing to me. Maybe some soft acoustic guitar tunes, too.

Critters are no fun. :(  I hope they won't resurface and that you'll be left in peace from those pesky creatures.
:hug:

 :hug: :hug:  :bighug: I can empathise with not being able to keep it together for more than a few days at a time.

The cat-critter problem sounds as if it's affecting you psychologically (and physical energy-wise) the way the mice get to me. So big empathy there too.

3r, crackling fire and guitar - perfect.  i'm there.

thanks, sceal, for your support.  they really are no fun.

bb, yeah, you're right.  they are taking a toll psychologically.  never thought of that.  ugh!

on top of this, i spoke w/ my d today.  her F mucked it up for her, that sob.  altho she's been nc w/ her sis (d1) for 3 yrs., and he knows it, ever since this whole thing with making her trek halfway across the country on a moment's notice, and even before she left he'd already tried to sabotage her nc w/ her sis.

it happened again w/in the first 2 days she was there, asking her if she'd be ok if d1 came over to visit - my d2 gave a resounding 'NO!'.  it's not like he doesn't know this has been happening, he's just that much of a, well, how npd's/misogynist mix is - getting women to jump thru hoops that they're uncomfy with, while he sits back and plays the innocent.

d2 excused it w/ 'he's on pain meds, so he's not thinking straight'.  yeah, well, he's not been on pain meds all the time i've been dealing with him, so i'm not buying it.  he's so passive aggressive when it comes to women it's pathetic and now that i know, it's infuriating as well that he's making my darling d jump thru those hoops.

so last nite, he finally managed to pull the sabotage off, got ncd1 in contact with dd2.  dd2 told me that it was a miscommunication on his part, again, cuz of the pain meds.   i'm so upset, i've been cursing and pounding my bed pretending it's his face.  everything else had already thrown me out of the ring, but this bit just stomped on me with hobnail boots.

dd2 told me that in one way she's glad it happened, cuz it reaffirmed how out of touch with reality her sis is, and that there is no hope now.  she's been hanging onto a 'maybe, with time, we'll be able to work this out' kind of thing.  so, i'm glad that's finally settled for her.  but i just hate the fact that he's put her thru this 3x in a week, even when he knows she's been nc all these years!!!!!!!! :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

i'm beside myself - all the triggers have been pushed regarding both of them, but especially him.  so slimy as he watches it play out between the women in his life.  d1 did tell dd2 that her father creeps her out, which is why, i guess, he moved out of the house after she moved back in.

dang, i can't believe how messy, how horrible i feel.  i can't make her see that he sets this stuff up and she makes excuses for him.  she doesn't want to see it - she's told me in the past that she doesn't want to hear from me what a bad person he is, so my hands are tied.  he's probably also getting off that she dropped everything here, interrupted her work, to run to his side.

thank you, god, that this is almost over.  she's leaving there tomorrow at midnite.  i can't say enough bad about him, just had to let it out here.  i'm so down right now, just barely putting one foot in front of the other.  i've already relied on meds this morning to help me calm down, but i'm thinking of another dose. 

and, the ceiling in my bedroom has begun not only popping out little perfectly round 'plugs', that have hit me in the head on occasion, but there's not a line of mold crawling across the juncture of the wall behind me and the ceiling.  that will have to get fixed, but not by the guy who came here last time who came on very strongly and creepily to me.  my d suggested she put in a work order, but i told her i didn't want that guy here if i'm home alone.  at least if she's here, i can hide in another room.

i'm all fishimmelled.  my head is spinning, i'm on the verge of tears.  i'm trying to keep it together, but it's tougher as time goes on.  and the cat's spitting up hairballs, and not always using her litter.  i'm hating all of this right now.  just had to vent, get this out, altho it's not helping as much as usual.  i'm full to bursting at this moment.  give me strength - she won't be home till wed. nite.  i just need to hang on that long.

I'm holding out my hand for you sweetie.  I'll sit with you and comfort you.  You don't need to talk or anything, just know that I'm there.  :hug:

Hang on, sweetie! Sending love and hugs full of compassion and relief! 💐🍀🥀🏵️🌷

So awful!  No words. But I'm here, offering hugs and support

I'm sorry San for your problems atm, hopefully your d will get to the truth herself, how very frustrating. I'm here with you with all my moral support.
Punch that bed  :thumbup:

thank you, everyone.  you all helped.  a bit better today - just feel like my insides have been scooped out.  she's leaving there tonite at midnite.  thank you, god. 

i hate how this brings up so much hate for him in an instant!  i'm not normally a hating person, but this rings my bell immediately.  i push thoughts about him away when they crop up, but stuff like this just smacks me in the face with it - i run away, but it follows me.

i've decided that if he dies before me, i know my d will want to go to the funeral, and i'd go with her as interference for her sis.  if i'm invited up to the podium to speak, i'd say 'i've heard that if you can't say something nice about someone, not to say anything at all', then i'd go back to my seat without saying another word.

they all think they know him, poor guy, his wife left him, he's all alone,   :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: - they, none of them, and i'd be willing to bet that includes all his t's that he's had, his closest friends in his support group that he's been with for more than 20 yrs., none of them has he admitted to what he's done, what he's like.  and i have to deal with that.

my d doesn't want to know - she told me this week that she feels safe with him, even as he was sabotaging her nc with her sister - 'he's on pain pills, so he wasn't thinking right', 'he made a miscommunication cuz he's on pain pills' - she found excuses for him all week.  he didn't even clean his apt. before he went into the hospital - she had to do the whole thing, including his laundry twice.  it's just not right.

she's taking a bus back, 2 days, just so she can decompress, do some work, have some time to herself to rest and sleep.  she's exhausted, has had to sleep in a chair all week.  i'm so mad i can't see straight.  my poor baby - and she doesn't want to know about it, so she'll go to her dying day thinking he's a really good guy, some flaws, had problems in his marriage with me, and that's it.  she doesn't want to wreck that picture for herself.

probably too much for her, i know - i've got to look at her like at anyone else with c-ptsd (which she won't admit to, either - just anxiety) and let her be unless she asks me.  altho, now that i think about it, even when she's asked me for an opinion in the past, i've always asked her 'do you really want to know?', and she's always backed down.  she does not want to know the truth.

so, i have to carry this load, push it aside as best i can.  dang, i wish i had a t at times like this.  you all are my therapeutic support group, and i'm not taking anything away from that.  i just wish i had some professional guidance, actual therapy to help me with this stuff.  i'm just struggling right now.  i'll get better. 

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

I'd be beside myself with disgust and anger, about your ex-h as well.

Standing with you in rage, knowing there's an abusive person around that other people excuse for some reason or other.  May I add :pissed:  :pissed: for you?

my darling blueberry, you brought tears of solidarity to my eyes.  what a warm rush that was.  thank you so much.  really.  it meant the world to me.

she's boarding the bus out of there as we speak.  thank you, god.  i hope something like this never happens again.  i've had to do xanax the past 2 days just to get thru.  i'll be better tomorrow now that i know she doesn't have to interact with him anymore - at least this time around.

god bless it, this was way more horrible than i thought.  i know the whole thing about letting people live rent-free in your head, all that stuff, but i still couldn't stop it.  this is the worst part of c-ptsd for me - not being able to make it go away when i've had enough.  not being able to turn it off.  i wish i could always remember 'a beautiful mind' and how he was able to talk them out of his head.  it helps, i know, but i too often forget.

so, deep breath.  i'm as strong as i know how to be, yet this kind of thing wilts me like a rose under a hair dryer.  dang.  there has been nothing else in my life that has affected me like this, maybe cuz it's happened to my d's instead of me.  funny how that works.

I feel for u San, it's terrible to see your children suffer and not be able to fix it, or even discuss it  :aaauuugh:
She is on her way home  :cheer:
You got thru, well done.  :grouphug:

I agree with wattlebird  :yeahthat:

thank you wb and db - i am feeling so much better today, it's like day and nite.  did all kinds of errands, chores, cooking this morning - slept well, feel rested, therefore lots of energy.  it's great to feel like this rather than the other.  so glad this weekend is done, she's on her way home, and i know she'll be wasted when she gets here, so i'm doing all i can to leave as little as possible for her.  she can just relax for a few days (except maybe for her work - she's missed out on a week of that, which sets her back).

all in all, you've, all of you, have helped me so much to get thru this and out the other side.  it's much brighter here, even tho it's raining.  i love this rain, tho - so very soft.  it's beautiful after all those years in the desert.

anyway, thank you thank you thank you.  lots of love and gratitude to everyone.

my d's coming home tonite.  we've got a storm brewing and a restless wind, which also makes me uneasy.  i'm going to stay in, get her stuff in order as much as possible so she can just come home and relax a little.  it was brutal for her while she was gone, and she's a wreck.

dealing w/ her sister, well, it turned out that she was able to close that door.  i just need to mention one more time that, as much as she wants to blame her sis for all that crap, i know it was her father that 'was on pain meds, so it was a miscommunication' set it up for it to happen.

he did that kind of thing so many times with me, i can see it clearly as daytime.  i think it's easier for my d to blame her sis, tho, than to see any culpability pertaining to him.  being a misogynist, i think he gets some kind of satisfaction from putting these little scenarios into play, and watching the strong women in his life 'duke it out' so to speak.  both the women are uncomfy with the situation, and he likes that. 

ok, i think maybe i've beaten that horse to death, but it just wanted to come out one more time.  he's admitted to me that he's a 'great liar', and i've seen it on more than one occasion.  he's also been a master manipulator, especially in a house full of women.  o, this came up again cuz she told me several times yesterday about the 'shootout' with her sis, putting all the blame there, while every time i heard it, i could see him in the background, pulling the strings on his little female puppets.

so, yeah, it's come up several times in the past couple of days as she's told me about telling her friends about the incident with her sis.  that's why this felt so important to write about, get it out of me again!  it's been pushed in my face several times all over again, 3 or 4 times, actually, and all i can see is him behind this scene.  i'm not taking away anything from what ncD said - that's a given.  but he has been excused by me d for his part in it and it rumbles my innards.

so, one more time.  dear lord, i hope i don't have to go thru this again, altho as long as she doesn't want to see her F for what he is, no doubt i will.  it's just a burden i have to carry, but at least i can scatter some of it about here.  deep breath.  it feels better.

Scatter the burden of carrying that.  Tell us each time you want to tell her.  I think letting her make her own choices and decisions is the right thing to do.  That way you are not influencing her like he does.  Well done sweetie

 :yeahthat: :yeahthat:

I will second what DB said there. I don't have more words today but am sending you all the love and support I can my dear. Sitting with you always  :hug: :hug:

db, i burst into sobs when i read what you wrote.  such validation - i knew you 'got' it when i read your last thought.  thank you for that.

el, the fact that you echoed db's thoughts meant the world to me.  this kind of kindness i'm just not used to.  thank you.

she's home, it's nearly midnite, it was such a long day, especially for her - her last bus was running 3 hrs. late and she wouldn't have been able to make it home tonite, didn't have enough money to stay anywhere.  i went to the neighbor's, crying, asked for help - it was a 2-hr. drive to get to my d, but my neighbor, bless her, changed out of her bathrobe and drove all that way in the rain.  we're all home now.  thank god for kind people.

i will sleep well tonite, even tho it's later than usual.  the cat was so happy to see my d, and my d hugged me several times cuz she was so glad to see me.  right now i'm the happiest, luckiest woman in the world.  all the b.s. is behind me for this moment.

db and el, your kindness will not go unrewarded; who knows that i might not be writing more on this if it comes up again.   it's a mystery to me, to some degree, the depth of feeling i have for that man, like i've never felt in my life.  it's almost scary, nearly unrecognizable.  but my baby is safe, and that's what matters. 

I am a little late to the "party", but I think what Deep Blue wrote was just perfect.

Wonderful that you have such a kind neighbour that were able and willing to help out in such a unfortunate situation with the buses. I am glad your D is back home now and I hope that the days will be much kinder to you! Big hugs to you my dear.  :hug:

sceal, you sweet thing.  thank you for extending that invitation to me as well.  it means the world.  i was afraid of going on and on about it cuz i'd heard somewhere, some al-anon meeting i think, that if you talk about the same thing more than 3 times, it means you're just dumping and not doing anything about it.   i didn't want to be a 'dumper'.

we'll see what happens when she's up and around and we start chatting, if it all comes up again in the conversation.  i slept like the dead last nite, just wish i could've slept longer.  well, that's what naps are for, in my book - they fill in the gaps.

so, tired today, very glad yesterday is done.  very glad she's home.  she's the very last person now, irl, that i trust, and i told her so.  she is also very kind, always has been to me, and i still marvel at  being treated like that.  wow - i guess there's been a lot of unkindness that i haven't even acknowledged.  it's all taken its toll, tho.  funny how that works - right under my nose. 

i think i just accepted unkind treatment as the norm, didn't think anything of it, except i'd recognize it in my d when i'd visit her.  i didn't feel that way about anyone else, even tho my hub was always taking care of me, etc.  it didn't feel the same as kindness - kindness is soft and gentle, somehow.  not that his caretaking was rough, it was good, thoughtful, he always worried about me.  don't know, it just didn't feel the same.

anyway, time to eat, go back to sleep.  it'll be a good day.  thank you all, again.  you're beautiful, you know that?

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 12, 2018, 04:00:50 PM
i was afraid of going on and on about it cuz i'd heard somewhere, some al-anon meeting i think, that if you talk about the same thing more than 3 times, it means you're just dumping and not doing anything about it.   i didn't want to be a 'dumper'.

I think we can all agree that you are not a dumper my dear. Maybe it's different in AA?

Since we have a brain injury I find we need to be gentle with ourselves as we sort through old trauma.  Sorting trauma is kinda like cleaning file cabinets to me. Some old files, I don't need, I can throw them out.  Opening them up won't be beneficial.  But some files are still very relevant! I keep them towards the front because being in tune with them helps me in my own healing.

It's a lot of clutter to sort through... trauma that is. (Hope I'm making sense here)

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it's ok to bring things up over and over.  We may look at it with a different eye each time.

Ok now I'm rambling  :hug: just sending you love and hugs

I'm so very glad she's home now! And as far as talking about things, I don't think you're a "dumper" either. There are some things we can change and some things we can't, and talking about the things we can't change with sympathetic, objective people (here) helps us. We have an outlet.

Your daughter knows everything you're thinking about the ex. And if you don't say it to her over and over, I think it will come to her anyway. If you talk, she gets to resist something from outside of her. If you don't talk about it, she'll have to argue with herself.

I think in time she will see the truth you've expressed to her. It may be just too painful for her to admit right now that her own father just sees her as something he can manipulate. That really frosts me!  :pissed: I can relate to having that kind of F.

Yay, your d is home again! It's great your neighbour was willing to go and get her. It's good also to hear that you obviously have some contact with at least one neighbour :)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 12, 2018, 04:00:50 PM
i was afraid of going on and on about it cuz i'd heard somewhere, some al-anon meeting i think, that if you talk about the same thing more than 3 times, it means you're just dumping and not doing anything about it.   i didn't want to be a 'dumper'.

This is the kind of stuff I did not appreciate in 12 step groups. "more than 3 times" - that's a blanket rule that cannot apply to everyone. For us with cptsd (and maybe for others too without cptsd??) talking about something more than once may include a change in how you're talking about it which means a change in how you're thinking about it, a change in how you perceive it. That is part of healing. Baby steps count.

I don't see you dumping on here. There are things you need to express atm and you're doing it on here. You're getting some of the poison out. And you know how important that is because you encourage others to do it!
:bighug: :bighug:

Yes as everyone else has said your not a dumper, a dumper is someone unwilling to work on their problems, which I think it's clear you are not.
Yay for d home  :cheer:

thank you.  you have all put my mind at ease on so many levels.

db, i do believe you're right - the aa reference included the idea that if you complain about the same thing more than 3 times and don't do anything about it, it's cuz you want to remain in the victim role.  i agree about revisiting traumatic memories/situations with a goal of putting them to rest, that there may come the time when we do see with a different eye and our 'aha' moment comes.  thank you for that.

3r, i totally agree about talking about this stuff on the forum with these people has made all the difference in the world.  we truly are a different kind of animal - in the very best sense.  and, yes, letting her find her own way with her F is best.  i think she gets blinded by the obviousness of her sis - he is truly the more cunning of the two.  makes my skin crawl to think of it.

plus, it took me 30 yrs. to figure out what he was doing and how, and that's only because at the end i was not only researching misogyny, but also npd in depth.  and, i got connected here and learned even more.  she won't aggressively look into it, i don't think, cuz, no, she doesn't want to know.  it would devastate her, you're right.  so, i'll let it be, come here when i need to vent.  thank you.

thanks, blueberry, for reminding me of my words.  you're absolutely correct.  that's also why i never felt 'at home' like so many others did at 12-step meetings - they just didn't address my needs.  i thought they were great for addictions, but the other issues underlying the addictions were passed over.  i feel more at home here with people i've never seen.  weird how that has worked.

thank you, wb, for your validation and encouragement, too.  i so appreciate the support. 

well, looks like our critter problem is ramping up again.  part of it is cuz our vacuum went kaput, we didn't have enough time to thoroughly clean it before dd left, so i wasn't able to suck up the eggs/larvae every day.  starting over.  she was really disheartened to find a new one on the cat.  *sigh* 

the battle rages on, i guess.  thank you all, again, for your support with all this.  i know critters isn't exactly a c-ptsd problem, but i think the exhaustion we both feel at having to clean every day all the carpeting in this house actually is.  it's the 'have to' part that wears us both out.  i'm able to pick up more of the slack with that cuz she's bustin' her butt trying to get enough money in to make sure the rent gets paid every month. and we all know that worrying like that is stressful and energy draining.

we'll get thru it eventually.  it's always something, but even these somethings tend to feel like SOMETHINGS.  dang.

busted my arm earlier today, so can't really type. but just wanted to send you some warm thoughts and a healing hug.

o, sweetie, what happened? 

and, you still came here to support me, even with a broken arm?!  wow - what a darling friend you are.  thank you so much.  you are worth so much to me, i hope you know that.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 13, 2018, 07:47:20 PM
  i know critters isn't exactly a c-ptsd problem, but i think the exhaustion we both feel at having to clean every day all the carpeting in this house actually is.  it's the 'have to' part that wears us both out. 

Exactly. I'm sure most of us on here know the non-cptsd problems that turn into a huge, almost insurmountable problem because of cptsd. I myself have a lot of problems with 'have to' or 'should' and especially with 'have to' day in, day out for weeks / months. Even for something mostly enjoyable like having fur babies, never mind having unwanted critters living rent-free with me. Ugh.

thanks so much for your support, blueberry.  i do appreciate it.  so weird how trauma in our past can so painfully affect day-to-day normally non-issues in the present.  ugh is right.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 13, 2018, 08:33:37 PM
o, sweetie, what happened? 

and, you still came here to support me, even with a broken arm?!  wow - what a darling friend you are.  thank you so much.  you are worth so much to me, i hope you know that.

No, no I didn't break it! I just get inflammation that starts in my shoulderblade and moves through to my fingertips. It doesn't take much for me to get it. Makes my arm quite useless anyway, I can't activate the muscles properly. But regardless, had it been broken bones I'd still have replied to you.  :hug:
you matter alot to me too. Given me so much support. you are amazing.

back atcha, sceal.  you've become an absolutely valuable part of my life.

got a cold, so i'm gonna lay low.  i so hate being sick - cannot just get a nice routine going, something continually smacks me down, and then it's hard work to get back to sea level.  blecccch!

Hi SanMagic,
Sorry to hear you've got a cold - I hope you keep warm and hydrated, and I hope it will go very soon, but in the meantime - wishing you honey and lemon and any things that will soothe your throat, and ease your nasal passages, and sending you a comforting hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

thank you, hope.  :hug:   the feeling miserable part only lasted a day, but now i think it's gone into my ear.  i'm doing what i can to flush it out so it doesn't get infected - h2o2 a couple times a day.  still sniffling a bit, a little bit of congestion.  at least it's not going into my lungs like in the past.  lots of protection there.

we did some decorating yesterday and today - someone else mentioned about starting new traditions for the holidays.  i can't keep track of how many 'new' traditions i've begun over the decades.  foo, 3 hubs, single, mexico, kids/no kids, and now a whole different dynamic, new and diff. house (never had a fireplace before).  it's been fun, tho.  i don't really miss anything from my past anymore - it's been so long, my folks have been dead for years, haven't seen my bro or sis in ages.  don't miss them, either.  it's all good.

still battling the critters, but at least a little routine about that, too.  i'm waging war.  this whole thing has wigged my d out, so i've pretty much taken over.  she's still exhausted from her trip, still has her own work to do, so she's plenty busy and tired out.  slowly, she'll come around.  it was brutal for her.

i may have a counseling client (can't do therapy anymore, but counseling/coaching is ok) with the month.  that would be nice, bring a few extra $$$ in.  probably just a one-shot deal, but that's enough to keep my flag in the ring.  an adolescent girl, too, the population i absolutely love.  we'll see. 

in the meantime, just day by day.  that's enough. 

crashed today after 2 days of vacuuming and spraying.  my cold is still around.  i'm just wiped out.  off to the porch with hope's lemon and honey.

Sorry to hear this.  I hate vacuuming! I'd rather clean the bathroom than vacuum. 

Love ya and hope you take time to rest and take care of yourself today darling

Hi San, I hope your cold is starting to calm down and not go too much into your ears. The counseling client sounds really exciting, even if it is just a one shot. I know your love for that age and population ;D

I am sure your daughter will slowly recover from that trip, it sounds like it took a great deal out of her but she sounds resilient like you.   :hug:

Sending lots of love and hugs always my dear  :bighug:

san, I've just seen about your cold now. Today you've been busy responding to other people's posts including mine so here  :hug: :hug:  :grouphug: for you too. I hope your cold clears up fast.

db, el, and bb - thank you so much for your support and well wishes.  the cold is still hanging on, especially in my ear, but i am feeling better.  it's very slow going, tho.  again, it's taking at least 2 wks. to get over this.  such is life.  but, i appreciate all those beautiful hugs - they bring a smile to my heart.

i watched 2 very profound 'buffy' episodes last night - all about psychological mind games being played on people, and how that can make them think, believe, and do things that they wouldn't normally do, and it got me thinking about people  here, and some of our recent conversations.  it blew my hair back when i realized how related those episodes were to what so many of us experience.

it was nearly crazy--making to watch this happen - i threw my hands up to either side of my face and groaned at one point.  it made the entire debate about 'fault' so very clear. 

in short, there's an evil entity that is mucking around with the main characters' minds, and because of the mental manipulation going on, these people began believing things that weren't true (about themselves and others), thinking in twisted ways, not remembering some of the terrible things they'd done, and doing terrible things that they ordinarily wouldn't do, were often working hard not to do terrible things anymore.

it was so familiar, in a split second, people on this forum/cptsd-related symptoms came to mind like a giant bird swooping down and planting a realization on my head.  the characters were a varied bunch - some of them more vulnerable than others - and the effects of this manipulation showed differently according to their vulnerability.

2 of the characters were very strong and adult, one was a teen, and one was a man who is in the beginning stages of recovery (always a vulnerable time).  the 2 adults were able to see what was happening more quickly, altho they had succumbed to the manipulation for a while.  the teen ended up being very confused, not sure what was going on, but very fearful and anxious, afraid to trust and convinced of betrayal.  the man, who was the most vulnerable of the bunch, ended up curled up in a corner, wracked with shame and guilt for what he'd done. 

the adults were quick to realize that they had all been manipulated psychologically, were not acting from their normal set of standards, morals, principles, etc., and were quick to see that these actions, etc., were not the 'fault' of any of the people so affected.  what each of them had done was only because their minds had been corrupted by the big evil thing.  in essence, they had not been thinking with their 'correct' minds, and their actions portrayed how out of kilter their minds had become.

to me,  then, it seemed that when we are able to reach an adult level of being/perceiving, we can see the picture of what has happened to us clear and whole, and we are then able to forgive ourselves because we can understand the source of our past ways of thinking and acting, and put the blame/fault where it belongs - on the evil. 

that teen part of us is what remains confused and anxious, not knowing what to believe, not trusting what we heard or saw.  this part doesn't have the strength or knowledge yet to see past those words in our heads that haunt us from our past. 

the vulnerable man reminded me of how we are as children - when we are at our most vulnerable.  those mind games take a bigger toll on us as kids because we don't have the adult logic and experience yet to put the blame where it belongs.  he was the only one who was being beaten down in his mind by what he'd done, ashamed and guilty because he'd been working so hard not to do wrong anymore, and finding himself back to doing what he'd hated . 

it brought it back home to me how very evil those mind manipulations that we've undergone as children and adults - some of them more insidious than others - at a time when our minds are most easily manipulated into believing what others want us to believe.  we carry those beliefs with us, and carry all the blame because we're not able to see it any other way.  at least, not until we heal enough to know a different truth.  my ex came to mind big time.

i'm not trying to make a blanket statement about everyone - i know we're all individuals and our damage levels are different, and from different sources in different ways.  as a whole, tho, and i've felt it myself, the shame and guilt that too many of us carry doesn't really belong to us - we've been carrying it for others who have laid it on us, who have manipulated our minds into believing it's all our faults.

ok, don't know if i've made any sense to anyone else, but it became clear in my mind.  a light bulb moment for me.  and i felt such empathy for those fictional characters (the acting was incredible) and what they were going thru.  it will be interesting to see how the teen and the vulnerable man are able to work their way thru what they're still believing to be true.  watching this felt like some great therapy for me. 

it was very bothersome last nite - couldn't go to sleep for hours - but writing about it today has a cleansing feel about it.  more peace and calm for my soul.  feels good.

Thanks for sharing this San,
It rings very true to me

You said:
that teen part of us is what remains confused and anxious, not knowing what to believe, not trusting what we heard or saw.  this part doesn't have the strength or knowledge yet to see past those words in our heads that haunt us from our past.

So true!  :yes:

I agree with db it rings true to me as well, is this mind manipulation that common? I'm becoming more and more aware of my h doing this as well as my foo. But I'm starting to challenge those beliefs  :bigwink:
How annoying I think those episodes may have triggered me right off it makes my stomach turn to read about it. Though excellent reflecting, I was reflecting on Harry Potter haha I know, but the baddy Voldemort splits himself into parts like dissociation, one of the parts is his teenage self, he can split himself thru murder and can only heal with remorse. A very neat parallel to dissociation, or maybe I read hp too much  :bigwink:

sounds like you got some validation, db - i'm really glad for that.  i think i stayed in that teen phase well into my 60's, to tell he truth.  anxious and confused - it's been nearly a lifetime of that.  very glad to be a bit past that, on some levels.  i believe it's why i scrambled so much in my relationships, as a mom, as a person, and what caused me to pick the neg. people i've had in my life, stay with them, and try to make the insane, sane.  it never worked.

wb, actually, i think anytime someone tells us something that makes us doubt ourselves (not in a good way, not in a way that helps us grow and learn), it is a form of mind manipulation.  my opinion, only.  so many of those expectations to be perfect, to figure it out on my own, to not ask for help as it means i'm 'mental' or weak -  those, to me, were mind manipulations.  i first heard them in foo, which set me up to continue trying to prove myself in relationships when an adult.

i'm  a big fan of hp, too - i think you may have hit on something about voldy and dissociation.  good observation!  i know rowling has said that the dementors were symbols of her depression and how it made her feel.  i think she's got some great insights into the human animal in those books.

this buffy series is so much more complex and insightful than i ever thought from the title.  my d is buying me the boxed set, all 7 seasons, for a christmas gift.  i'm so jazzed.  as the creator, joss whedon has said, he's put in a lot of 'teachable' moments, and he's absolutely correct.  he's also used 'life' as the monster to battle with for an entire season.   i've never gotten so immersed in a set of characters and situations before, so much i could personally relate to, and i've seen a lot of tv in my time.  i'm now a diehard buffy fan, team spike.

so, i'll continue watching and re-watching - i keep getting insights all the time, lots of stuff to agree with, ponder on, discover, notice that something corresponds with my own life - dang, it really has been eye-opening.  good nite, all.

Hi SanMagic, It's lovely that your D is buying you those Buffy series box sets - maybe I should have a look at those, they sound interesting.  Great that you are getting lots of insights from them. 
Hope you sleep well.   :hug:
Hope  :)

thank you, hope.  i did sleep well last nite.  i made sure that i did something neutral before bedtime to ease away from the emotional stuff.

i'm going thru a sort of quandary today.  it came up last nite, about some of the characters and their behaviors.  i just feel tangled up cuz the emotional thing is a slippery slope for me - can't quite navigate it, can't cut thru to make an absolute feeling about something, and i felt mocked when i was able to understand a behavior that my d thought was absolutely wrong. 

don't know yet what exactly i'm going to do.  i'm having a hard time putting this into words, like i'm stumbling over myself when i try to explain to her.  i'm sick of saying 'my brain doesn't work that way' or 'i've struggled with this kind of thing all my life' to her.  it's sounding like excuses to me, and i guess i just want to stop giving my opinion on these kinds of emotional things cuz i get so flustered and wobbly.

we'll see what happens.  i may just drop it, i don't know yet.

I think it is wonderful that you have found a series that means so much to you. I don't think it is so important right now for you to find the right words to describe how you feel about certain characters and their story arch, I think the words will come later. Maybe right now it is enough that you feel a closeness to the series and see things and lessons and acknowledgement in it? It's okay if your D doesn't quite understand it's importance to you, she clearly sees that it is important to you.  :hug:
Just some thoughts on early Christmas morning. I originally came by to wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year!

thank you sweet sceal, and a merry christmas and happy new year to you, too.

it was a great christmas for my d and i.  just the 2 of us, but we made it work.  i'll respond more later this week.  i went thru a therapeutic breakthru, and i want to share it.  it was very good.  too late tonite, tho.

Glad you had a nice Christmas with your d hope the new year is good to you, thanks for all the love and support you have given me this year, it means a lot to me, at first I was suspicious of everyone being so nice to me here, I'm glad I'm not anymore, thanks San  :yourock:

hey, wb,

i'm just glad that you have been able to accept the caring and support offered you.   i know it takes consistency over time to be able to trust.  i have found that here as well.  i hope your new year is full of hope, peace and light.  you deserve it.

i had a therapeutic breakthru the other day (have just been too worn out to write about it).  yeah, it was 'buffy' related, but i'll take my therapy where i can get it. 

i watched an episode where someone was able to hang on during a very rough time because he'd heard the words 'i believe in you.'  my first reaction was one of sadness for myself cuz i didn't remember having heard those words myself.  they made such a difference to him while he was going thru terrible trials and torture.  gave him the strength to resist manipulations and the courage to do what's right, rather than what was easy in order for the pain to stop.

much of those scenes that have love, caring, kindness, and tenderness immediately send me back to the place of 'i've never had that', and i feel terribly sorry for myself.  plus, since i didn't know about or could express such things for me, i'd never thought about saying it to or feeling it for myself.  crapola, i wasn't aware of any 'self' in the first place.  i just kept going, did what i wanted, and accomplished all kinds of things.

i was feeling pretty down about this, not having heard anyone tell me they believed in me.  then, as is my wont lately, i watched the episode again.  i've read a bit about this series, and there is a lot that is metaphorical contained within.  so, the second time i heard him say 'she believes in me', it struck me, hard and emphatically - this is a metaphor for me. 

in other words, 'she' could become 'i', and that's suddenly what i knew i had been missing.   maybe i didn't have a 'she' in my life, but i've always had me.  and i saw the light, and it was plain as day - i'm the one, in the end, who has to believe in me.  i'm the one who has to be proud of me.  i'm the one who has to have faith in me.

the clouds cleared away, and i felt a sense of strength and sureness the likes of which i've never felt before, ever.  all my life i've been seeking approval from others, beginning with my dad, trying to prove that i'm worth being loved, doing for others to show my importance in this life and gain acceptance.  i couldn't do enough, couldn't be enough, never believed i was enough. 

all my relationships till now bore this out.  no clear boundaries, tolerating the intolerable, patience when i needed to have spoken up and declared something was wrong.  never enough, i never felt i was succeeding in this goal.  since i was a very young girl. 

and now, cuz of a tv show about battling against evil, it all came clear.  'she' had to be me.  i was the one who i've needed to hear this from, that i believe in myself.  it felt strong, yet peaceful.  unlike anything before. 

the tears came, of course, but they felt cleansing.  washing away a lot of slime and much that had clung to me for so long.  i missed a lot of things from my relationships - so many loving things thru 3 marriages, countless friendships, even my eldest d, and a string of therapists.  they are now firmly in the past, where they belong. 

i don't know if this will last, but it's here, now, and i'll take that.  even a few days of feeling like this is better than all the years of not.  i need to be my own best friend, my own best relationship.  i'm giving it a shot, at least as much as i am able.  it's a quiet kind of feeling, tho - not exciting, not jumping up and down or celebrating kind of feeling.  just inward, true, real.  strong. 

Quote
i don't know if this will last, but it's here, now, and i'll take that.  even a few days of feeling like this is better than all the years of not.  i need to be my own best friend, my own best relationship.  i'm giving it a shot, at least as much as i am able.  it's a quiet kind of feeling, tho - not exciting, not jumping up and down or celebrating kind of feeling.  just inward, true, real.  strong.

Love it! ❤️💪 :applause:

 :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:

Sounds beautiful. I think we all could need this realisation deep inside.
If it stops lasting, maybe you can re-watch that episode of Buffy as a reminder?

thanks, 3r - and i love you for saying that.  can't tell what that middle thing is, tho, between the heart and the applause.  i don't even know if it's called an emoji - i'm quite illiterate when it comes to these things.  sorry.  i'm sure it's something lovely, tho.

wb, you brought a big smile out - couldn't help it.  thank you for such great support.

sceal, truthfully, i do, too.  i hope everyone can find it someday.  there's so much we didn't get from others, stuff that we've needed, and i believe now that most of it we can give to ourselves, most of it we need from ourselves.  we'll never get the past back, but we can be our own best friends from here on in - with all that being a best friend entails.

actually, i watched that episode 3-4 times.  it's vivid in my mind right now, but i definitely would watch it again if i need a 'pick-me-up'.  great idea.  thanks.

feeling better today.  my ear is still kind of wonky, and i'm doing h2o2 once a day to keep it from getting infected - that's my greatest fear.  we're still battling critters, so that's been wearing both of us out as well.  hopefully, we're on the back end of that.  my d is the thermometer - if she can go a week w/o getting bit (they stay away from me), we'll cut back vacuuming to every 3 days instead of every day.

still, my shoulders are very sore from the physicality of it.  and my forearms are beginning to look like popeye's from the dang spraying.  my belly seems to have bloated up, too, from the stress of it all.  and we had to drop $ 200 at the vet the other day for more meds for the cat.  ugh!  this has been a nightmare.

so looking forward to a flea-free new year.

Fleas fleas go away! I banish you from the house! 👉

I'm laughing at your Popeye arms though.  I have 1 popeye arm from sports too  :bigwink:

love your banishment spell, db.  made me laugh.  we're on day 6 of no new bites, so we'll see what happens tomorrow.  it would be great to ease up on this a little.  my d has been exhausted, couldn't understand why, so i reminded her that this has been so stressful!!! 

popeye arms, indeed!  sisters of the traveling forearms - lol!

Quotecan't tell what that middle thing is, tho, between the heart and the applause.

It's an arm, flexing  :)

ohhhhh!   sorry, couldn't tell, but i get it.  as soon as i saw what you wrote, a big smile came to my face as well as a chuckle.  that's perfect.  thank you, my dear.  i really do feel strong in a way i hadn't before.  it's good.

Ha ha! I laughed out loud! Sisters of the traveling forearms :rofl:

I love that you pointed out the stress to your daughter.  When we are in the thick of it it's hard to see it.  Good job with that! I wonder how that was for her?  Shoe on other foot? You pointing out emotions to her?  :bigwink:

actually, db, she's used to it.  i've been pointing out her stress levels for many, many years.  she was an overacheiver for way too long, thought that down time meant she was being lazy or something.  i'd try to explain that down time was healing time, that her system needed to heal, but she wouldn't buy it.  she would crash out and get sick instead.

finally, she's come around, sees it differently now.  and, i'm so glad of that.  i know what that's like - until i crashed and burned, which is why i moved to mexico.  i was dying.  i'm glad she's realizing this stuff differently now, will hear my words as concern instead of some new-age philosophy or what not.  it does my heart good.  still, as you say, sometimes it's still difficult to recognize it when we're in the middle of it.

tired today - this stuff catches up to me, especially the physical stuff like vacuuming.  (why is that word spelled that way?  sometimes the english language drives me nuts, and it's my native tongue).   just can't do what i used to.  today is a laid-back day, i think.  it's raining - sounds so pretty - so i don't know if we'll even walk, unless it stops later.

just babbling.  i'm so glad to be here, so glad for all of  you.  still feeling good and strong.  not feeling sorry for myself - not at the moment, and i didn't think that would ever go away.  just goes to show, we don't really know what's around the next corner.  today is a good day.  love you all.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 29, 2018, 03:16:58 PM
... vacuuming.  (why is that word spelled that way?  sometimes the english language drives me nuts, and it's my native tongue).   

I don't suppose the answer to this is top on your list of priorities or anything but anyway: English spelling is very much based on etymology / history of words rather than how the words sound. "vacuum" is the Latin word for empty when referring to neuter words. The stem is "vacu", the ending "-um" for neuter. In some languages like my semi-native one, u is actually pronounced 2 times. In English we're rather lazy about pronunciation so we just pronounce 1 time and scratch our heads about the spelling ;)   Though American English has simplified some spelling!  :applause:

I'm glad you're feeling good and strong, and that you took the day as a laid-back one.  :thumbup: :hug:

Ha ha! I love that Blueberry!

There is this movie in the States called My Big Fat Greek Wedding. In it, the dad is always saying that the origin of every word is Greek.  It's a really good movie.  Thanks for making me smile  :yes:

Or you could also just call it hoovering. There atleast you pronouce both oo's and it's pretty straightforward spelling! :D

blueberry, thanks for the english lesson.  actually, i'm always up for learning about words.  yeah, technically a vacuum is empty and i guess it will suck things into it cuz nature abhors a vacuum, or so i've heard.  therefore, a sucky vacuum cleaner, so to speak.  hahaha.   :hug:

db, glad you could get a laugh out of it.    :hug:

sceal,  since i don't actually have a hoover vacuum cleaner, and 'hoovering' means something altogether different on this forum, that's why i'd hesitate to use the term 'hoovering', but thanks for the suggestion.  you come up with some great ones, you know.  i appreciate them a lot.    :hug:

i think i relapsed on my cold cuz of the stress of the fleas and the extra bundle of money we've had to put down because of them.  so, my ear is still full, i'm still peroxiding it, and laying back as much as possible.  also taking a decongestant, which seems to help a little.  i just dread going to the doc, racking up more bills.  i still have some i'm paying off.  ugh - i hate this crapola.

talked w/ my d about the stories i've made up over the years - either to get me thru hard times or to try to make sense of things for myself.  i lived in a storybook version of life for a long time, or maybe a movie version.  it felt good, tho, to talk w/ her about it.  it cleared more gunk out between us, and i'm feeling pretty clean now w/ her because of it. 

so, going into a new year.  miracle of miracles that i've lasted this long, to tell the truth.  but, yeah, still alive and kicking.  my d's girlfriend is coming to visit next month, might move up here, possibly with us, when she finishes school.  that would be great, cuz it would ease the financial pressure.  i hate seeing my d worrying about money every month.

i think i'll lay back again today.  maybe walk to the store, i don't know.  i'm still feeling strong about myself, tho, so i'm glad of that.  i don't know what to think of the year coming up.  it feels blank, for some reason.  can't put a finger on anything, which is a little disconcerting.   most years i look forward to starting new and fresh, but i don't seem to have that feeling right now.  maybe it's cuz i want things to stay pretty much as they are.

i don't have a lot of ambition for anything.  i've got feelers out for workshops, but so far they haven't gone anywhere.  it doesn't matter to me much, either.  on one hand, extra money would be nice.  on the other, i don't exactly care for the stress it would entail to get myself back in front of people, teaching.  we'll see.

so, nuthin' much of anything here.  almost in a holding pattern.  feels like that. 

Had no idea it was a term here on the site. I've grown up with learning british English rather than American (although it's sort of blending in now), and that word is used the same way as vacuum is.  :hug:

Happy to hear that you and your daughter is having such a close relationship, and that it is getting better and closer. It's good to have someone you can talk to about the things on the inside.  :cheer:

Economic stress is awful, and it is such a shame that it is pushing on your health, both of yours. I hope that 2019 will be able to ease some of those worries as the year progresses.

Take all the rest you need, rest is important!  :hug:

thank you, sweet sceal.  'hoovering' is a c-ptsd term that i've seen here describing how narcs often try to suck us back into their lives once we've begun to pull away from them.  but, yes, i've also heard of hoovering referring to vacuuming as well.

thanks for the well wishes for the new year.  right back atcha, sweetie.

feeling slightly less crappy, but still out of commission.  i hate getting sick anymore cuz when i feel miserable, like last nite, i get scared that i won't be able to come back one more time, and thoughts of death hover.  that does not help.  at least today i don't feel them.  still . . .  it's a crummy way to feel.

Hi SanMagic,
It's good to hear you're feeling a bit better today - and glad you managed to cope with those scary thoughts last night - and that they have gone again in the light of day - sending you a gentle hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Happy to hear you're feeling better.  :hug:

thanks hope and 3r.

it may be that this cold is a 'thing'.  still under the weather, by the by.  but, a friend of my d's told her that she's been sick for 2 weeks with a cold - it seemed to be going away, then it suddenly got worse.  that's what happened to me.  it's hanging on, also.  the ear is still bothered, still on decongestant meds.  doing what i can, but it sucks.

That sucks, just go away cold!!!!
:wave:

thanks, sweetie.  i'm still housebound, but i think i'm over the worst.  fingers crossed, anyway.  just gotta stay down, keep taking the meds. 

Hi SanMagic,
Fingers crossed that you're over the worst.  Hope those meds help.   :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks, hope.  my fingers are crossed, too.  did the dishes this morning, now i'm pretty wiped out.  i'll rest for the remainder of the day.  one tiny step at a time. 

Hope your winning the battle San, rest up take your meds and look after yourself.  :hug:

well, i went for a short walk yesterday, it nearly did me in.  wrong decision.  so i'm feeling pretty punk today.  won't be around here much till i get all the way well. 

thanks, wb, and  :hug: back atcha. 

this sucks.  meds, food, and tv for me today.  signing out.

Take care of yourself San, don't push it. Rest, breathe, rest, watch some Buffy, rest some more. Think only of yourself for a while, sounds like you need it.  :hug:

I have not done much moving today, i just finished some tea and hope you are taking it easy too.  Luckily there is not much moving required to get a tattoo  :bigwink:  keep taking care of yourself

Dear SanMagic,
Also hoping you are feeling a bit better - take care of yourself and hopefully you'll be recovered very soon. 
Hope  :)

sceal, db, hope - thank you all for the well wishes.  i love them, really.  today was a little better, but i don't trust it yet.  still laying low.

my d told me some stuff today that's really messing w/ my head, i'm sorry to say.  about her sis and her father, what they've said about me (sis) and what they've believed (father) about me.  she told me that she thinks her sis is the fault of our family breaking apart, because of the lies that sis has told. 

again, i wanted to say that while her sis has told lies, it was the lies, deceit, withholding, and choices that her father made that caused me to get out of his life, stop talking to him.   but, i didn't.  she doesn't want to know what a liar her father is.  i think it's easier for her to blame her sis for everything, cuz sis is very blatant.  he is much more cunning, shrewd, and manipulative - he does all his dirty work in the shadows, and only presents a clean picture to her 

poor 'dad'.   he's been so wronged - that's how he looks to her.  i nearly said something again tonite, but i remembered being encouraged by people here not to, so i didn't.  it just wants to come screaming out of me.  i'm so very upset, and i don't want to be.  i want to be able to take this crapola in my stride, and i hate that it affects me so much.  it just sucks!!!

wanted to get some of it out here, hoping it will help.  i don't know, but i'm glad i wrote.  i just don't need this in my life, especially when i'm not 100%.  any suggestions/opinions?  should i tell her that i don't want to hear about him anymore?  i hate doing that, too, cuz i don't want her feeling, once again, like she's in the middle.  should i just suck it up?  i'm in a quandary about it right now, but i know it's because all those old feelings against him got stirred up once more.

dang, i hate this.  phooey!

I'm sorry that this is messing with her head and yours. It's an awful situation.

My suggestion is to tell your d that while you're sick and vulnerable you'd rather not talk about her father and her sister. That it gets to you, but that you also want to respect her and her wishes in this situation, and that you don't want her to feel like she is in the middle. And hopefully she'll understand that as things are with your health right now, she needs to talk to her friends about this situation not you.
Big hug to you!
I hope your healing goes better day by day and that you'll soon feel like you can be on your feet again!  :hug:

hi San
Sorry about this crapola going on, especially while your sick. You could say "it upsets me when you blame sis, and I know it upsets you when I blame your f so maybe we should let it go, and agree to disagree. "
I dunno it's hard to be calm and reasonable when someone's triggering old feelings off.
Good luck San, look after yourself  :hug:

sceal and wb - thank you very much for your thoughts and suggestions.  i still don't know exactly what i'll do, but you both have given me something to think about, and i appreciate that a lot.  i've calmed down a little from last nite - sometimes it just takes time to process this stuff thru.  i think that if she brings it up again, i'll use what you've given me. 

still under the weather.  i've heard of more instances where someone gets a cold/flu, thinks it's going away, then it comes back BLAM!  worse than the first time around.  can only be patient while it runs its course.  so, i'm still down for the count.  ugh.

Sorry it took me a bit to respond about telling your daughter.  I still think you are doing the right thing by letting her make her own decisions about the ex. 

If you feel frustrated when she starts talking "poor him" I think it's ok to tell her that you don't want to put her in the middle but you are not comfortable enough to talk about it.  You may be some day, but that day doesn't have to be today.  I think that's fair... I really do.

Love ya!

thanks, db.  good suggestion.

what ended up happening is that i didn't sleep well that nite, so the next day when i told her that, i said it was partly becuz of stuff we talked about.  that's all.  i kept it vague, and she didn't ask so i didn't volunteer more.  i appreciate the support you all gave me, and i kept your thoughts/suggestions in mind.

however, yesterday, she was talking about a friend whose hub has done her and the kids wrong, and she said that maybe it could go to the lawyers, have some stipulation about him having go to therapy in order to spend more time with the kids.  i said, well, that wouldn't necessarily prove anything - he could go to therapy, lie the whole time, but it looks like he's doing something good and right.

of course, i was talking about her F, cuz that's what's happened in his case (he told me that he lies to his t, so she never knew he was a misogynist.  he was bragging - 'i'm a very good liar').  our conversation didn't go any further, but i put the message out there w/o referring to my ex by name, and it fit in with the conversation about the friend's ex.  i'll leave it there.

still way under the weather.  can only treat the symptoms - some type of virus - and have to hope my own immune system takes care of it sooner rather than later.  gluck!

Well played San! I think it was a valid point you made and it wasn't an outright attack on him.  It just came from your experiences.

Sorry you are still so sick.  Sending you some tea with honey and lemon.  Sending you a lavender scented warm blanket to help you rest.  Also sending you a protective bubble to protect you from sounds while you rest  :hug:

HI SanMagic,
Sending you a gentle hug, and hoping you feel better soon.   :hug:
Hope  :)

db, thanks for the validation.  much appreciated.

hope, hugs are always welcome.  thanks for the well wishes.

still under the weather.  ups and downs now.  it'll be at least another week.  i'm pretty much outta here, can't think too well.  i'll be back when i'm better.

Hi San
Just sending some hugs and hoping your recovering.  :hug:
:hug:   :hug:

 :hug: 💖

wb and 3r, thank you so much.  still sick, getting frustrated, still staying away from here cuz i just don't have the energy.  hate this.

Hi SanMagic,
Hope you will feel better very soon.  Take care,  :hug:
Hope  :)

thank you, hope.   :hug:

still under the weather.  hope to hear from my doc today.  i've already left 3 messages for her.  antibiotics aren't helping.  felt horrible the last 2 days, a little better than that today.  this is both frustrating and annoying now.  ugh and a half.

Hi SanMagic,
So sorry to hear you're still under the weather, and I hope that your doctor will get in touch asap. 

:hug: to you, SanMagic.
Hope  :)

 :hug:

Im sorry u are still under the weather
Hope u get better soon
:hug:
I've been missing you  :wave:

 :hug: :hug: to you san. Hope your doc calls and you get better soon.

hope, 3r, wb, and blueberry, thank you all so much.

went back to the doc yesterday.  she believes i am so very run down that i have nothing to fight off illness with, or at least very little.  she addressed the fibromyalgia, said that any chronic pain condition is continually putting my system in distress, is, basically stressing me out 24/7, which is compromising my immune system.  she's the first one to speak directly to the fibromyagia.

she said she can't believe someone would give me such a diagnosis and not offer some sort of relief.  she also is concerned about my horrendous non-sleep patterns.  so, i've been given zymbalta for anxiety, depression,and pain, and xanax to use nightly as a sleep aid.  we'll see how that goes. 

by the by, this was a nurse practitioner rather than an m.d.  i've had experience with one of these before and it was fantastic.  she mentioned that n.p.'s are more holistic in scope than regular doctors.  from past experience, and even with her, i totally agree.  i now have hope that something pos. will come out of this.

thank you all for your well wishes.  you're the best.  still feeling crappy, but maybe it will turn around soon.  here's hoping.

Joining you in hoping you're in the home stretch!

I watched a really cool movie yesterday about energy work or energy healing. It was called "The Healing Field", from 2016 and directed by Penny Price. Several methods were discussed. I was really interested in Qigong, and sound therapy.

Although we watched it on Prime, it looks like the full documentary is also on YouTube -
https://youtu.be/PeGq55AjLoQ

thanks, 3r.  i'll probably look that up, altho i've tried tai chi and qugong and they don't work at all with my own energy.  very distressing and disruptive to me.  i know, tho, that they're very helpful to a lot of people.  i appreciate you thinking of me.  i've never heard of sound work, so i'll take a look.  you're a sweetheart, you know that?  trust the magic.

Quotetrust the magic

:thumbup: ;)

Hi San. I've missed you terribly.  :'( :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Sending you lots of love and healing energy  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Np's are generally really amazing and I am so glad she seems to be addressing root problems rather than just the affects. Hopefully that will help you finally get to feeling better.

Feel better soon!  :hug:

 :bighug: to you SanMagic, hope you're ok. 
Hope  :)

you people are the best! 

3r, that reminder is so very close to my heart, as you well know.

andy, brother of my heart, you are sir hugs-a-lot, the warmest knight of the round table by far.

el, you're absolutely correct.  np's go where md's fear to tread because they're healers.  they don't want people to continue to suffer, which means they work to put themselves out of business.  just like the best t's, am i right?   ;)

sceal, thank you for being there for me.

hope, i love that gathering-in hug.  makes me feel safe and nurtured.

today i am feeling better, finally.  i don't know if the med for the fibromyalgia is doing anything extra, but the xanax for sleeping is helping.  dang, it feels so good to sleep, even if it's not for a full nite yet.  i'm hoping to achieve that eventually, but i'm lucky in that i can nap during the day, make up for the hours i don't get at nite. 

i think what helped the most at the doc's was that she listened, heard me, and, as el said, went for what might be at the root of it all.  i told her that when i get sick like this,, i get scared that this time i won't be able to pull myself out of it, and she reassured me that i would.  it sounded a bit hollow at the time, but the attention she paid to me  reassured me that she was going to look outside the box to try to fix what was underneath.

just that much attention, not being dismissed, being taken seriously is what really made the difference.  i'm to see her in 3 weeks.  right now, i feel much more like my regular self, except that i still don't have a lot of energy or stamina.  that may be backlash from being sick, that i'm still recovering.

what i noticed while i've been away is that i felt like i had less hmmm, i don't know what the word is.  i've had a hard time reading what people are writing about (i'm feeling ashamed to even say this) cuz there is so much pain that people are going thru.  it's like i can't take it.

my life has also changed a lot from a year ago.  since i started here, i've had pretty much the entire day to myself.  in mex., my hub was working 12 hrs/day, and since i've been in the states, living at that other house, it was also just me.  now, living with my d, everything is different.  she has a lot of anxiety issues, and needs to talk and touch base with me a lot, so much of the time i had to myself is gone now.

it also means that my energy is being used on her.  my focus is her right now.  i don't know how much i can participate here for the while.  it would be too much, at least for now.  when i'm able, i'll check in, but i noticed since i moved in with her that i've really only had energy for a few journals.  i hate to be saying this.  i want to delete all this.  i feel guilty about not being the same as i was re: this forum.  you've all done so much for me.

my heart is pounding right now.  it's difficult for me to give this up, even a little.  the break from here was good for me, but it also made me realize a few things.  dang, i hate this.  but i love all of you.  i'll be around, i just don't know when or how much.  i'm in the process of editing my d's next book, too, so that takes a lot of energy.  i guess i just don't have as much as i want to be able to do everything i want to do.   my abilities feel like they are dwindling, and that's kind of scary.  my age is showing.   :wave:    :aaauuugh:

Ow San
Don't be down on yourself for needing time and space, you can't help others if you don't look after yourself, I'm glad you're feeling better today,  :hug:
I miss you here but totally understand and want you to feel 100%  :yes:
:hug:   :hug:

I've been feeling the same overwhelm, San. But our focus needs to be on us and our own recovery. I find myself not reading too many very lengthy posts, I just can't. It's not that I don't want to - I just can't. My reading comprehension flies out the window, I dissociate, get sleepy -  it's best if I focus on my own healing first. It's OK to put ourselves first, contrary to what we've been taught.

Maybe later when I get thru this and get more healing I'll be able to focus more on others. For now I'll do what I can, when I can, but I am putting myself first and I believe each one of us should do the same. Not to be self centered, but like putting our own oxygen mask on first, so we will be able to help others.

Much love and admiration to you, my sister.  :hug:

Quote from: Wattlebird on February 10, 2019, 03:47:27 AM
Ow San
Don't be down on yourself for needing time and space, you can't help others if you don't look after yourself, I'm glad you're feeling better today,  :hug:
I miss you here but totally understand and want you to feel 100%  :yes:
:hug:   :hug:

:yeahthat:

Also the amount we use the forum and/or participate in other mbrs' lives (via responses) will quite likely vary from year to year or month to month depending on our own circumstances and that is quite OK :yes: Take care, san! Look after you, not us! You've given so much on this forum already, for so long.  :grouphug:

Your health and your own life comes before any others, don't forget that. I suspect you do at times.

You say the people here on the forum has helped you so much you feel guilty for not being able to be around as much, I just want to take a moment to tell you that you have helped me and so many others here too. And I bet we are all wanting you to get better, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually - and if you not using the forum as much or at all will help you get better... Then that is exactly what you should do.

You've supported me, comforted me and just sent me care and wellbeing. I will not forget what you have done for me, you are wonderful.

Biggest, warmest and most caring hug that I can give you  :hug:

 :yeahthat:
Well said sceal

My dear, I agree with everything that has been said here. There is not reason to feel shame towards not being on here as much or as present. Your own healing and well being are far more important. You have done so much for all of us and we all love you even when you're not here. I am glad you are taking the time you need to spend energy on things there.

Re the np, I am so glad she was attentive and reassuring. They do, as you said, try to work themselves out of business like good therapist's. I hope to be that good of a healer, and have no doubt that you were and are.

Lots of love to you my dear sister. I am always here and thinking of you :bighug:

Sending you warm hugs and gentle balms, SanMagic.    :hug:
Hope  :)

thank you all for your caring and well wishes.  you are the best.

even with that, i'm frightened to write just now.  everyone, save one person, has been nothing but supportive, validating, and caring to me here.  my fright is irrational, i know.  still, it's there.

i think it's because i'm needy at the moment.  i had  a nightmare this morning, the culmination of 2 separate uncomfortable dreams the past 2 days.  the first was of holding pain, being in pain, writing with it's intensity, and not being able to relieve it in any way.

the second was of betrayal, deceit, lies, and cheating.  today was about slime people who, by touching someone, infect them as well.  i woke up after realizing i was infected, and there was no way out.

someone told me that slime meant lies and deceit, and that infecting others was about others being affected by the lies and deceit.  and my mind reeled - this was about my narc d.

the d i live with has been referring to her sis for the past 2 months as insane, as in the true meaning of the world - living outside of reality in her mind.  inflicted with insanity.  every time i heard this reference, i brushed it off - being a therapist, the term 'insane' is extremely harsh and final, and not used willy-nilly.  this morning, however, i suddenly understood that my beloved d is indeed, insane.

she is evil, a monster.  i've never used those terms for her before, not ever wanting to label my own d as such.  today i realized it's true.  she not only lies, deceives, betrays, manipulates, and cunningly plots and plans, she does so with the full intent to hurt someone.  my mind is shattered at the moment, the weight feels unbearable. 

i have been holding this pain for all this time, not being able to label it, recognize what and why i've been doing it, ever since i first noticed her gazing at me with a judgmental look in her eyes around the age of 4.  i have borne this pain, anguish, torture, all the while i have been held hostage by her, and she is now over 40.  there is now a hole in my heart that will never be filled by her.  this cannot be fixed.

i thank god for my other d, and i can't say enough wonderful things about her.  my pain and sorrow is for my firstborn, all the hopes and dreams i've had for the 2 of us that have been methodically ridiculed, diminished, demolished, and denied.  she has nearly killed me.  and still i would not, could not see her for what she truly is, has been, always will be.

no wonder i'm in pain every day, no wonder i have gallons of tears shed on a regular basis without exactly knowing why.  i have not been able to see her fully and whole until now.  i am broken today.  i'll gather myself together, but not today.  today is meds and food and sleep and mindless chair time.  right this minute, i hate her.  my own daughter.  i hate her for what she's done to all of us.  i'm so glad my d and i are out of her sphere, and so wearily sad that it has to be so.

My dear San, I have no words for you - only a gentle healing hug of support, altho it's across the miles it is truly heartfelt!

oh san, those are some heavy, painful realisations going on  :hug:
I hope posting about them brings you a little relief!
It's good to see you back here but I'm sorry about the reason.

thank you 3r and blueberry.  tears of i don't know are springing to my eyes. 

xanax helped me go to sleep, give my mind and emotions a break for a few hours.  that was good.  my anxiety about writing here, i think i was afraid no one would respond.   that may sound stupid, and i don't have any logic for it.  anxiety doesn't need logic, i guess.

i still want to deny that she's insane, but i keep thinking of the legal term for insanity - not knowing the difference between right and wrong, so you don't hide what you've done, don't lie about it.  she's not legally insane.  she is of unsound mind, tho, and contributes to its unsoundness by the choices she continues to make.  she's been seeing therapists since she was 7. 

it's so sad, too.  she is beautiful, bright, talented, quick.  too smart for her own good, actually.  also cunning, manipulative, devious, deceitful, a bold liar, and malicious.  i hate this day. 

Hey San
All my love is heading your way today
xo Wattlebird
  :hug:

thank you, wb.  i appreciate it so.  back atcha.

i'm feeling a bit calmer tonite.  sometimes i amaze myself by the realizations i have, the processing i go thru, and being able to come out the other side a bit clearer and cleaner.  you all help me to do that, you know.  i doubt i'd be here without all the help and support i've gotten from you.  thank you from my heart.  you're all so amazing.

slept well last nite - one dream about struggling to get away from the federales in mex., and trying to get 3 little kids to stop smoking.  don't know what that's about, but it wasn't really disturbing because in the end i was able to accomplish both. 

i'm feeling much better today - just a teemy bit wobbly, but i know that'll go away in a few days.  my d told me, when i was talking to her, that since we've moved here last july, she's noticed more pure joy/happiness from me, something that she's never really seen with me before.  i think this is working better than any medicine. 

 :cheer: being near the ocean is healing :)

it really is.  this morning i walked to the beach, watched some surfers.  i also got to see snow in the mountains.  this place in all its wonders has helped me so much.

thanks for the cheer, 3r.  you brought a smile to my heart.   :yes:

another nightmare this morning, another struggle with a man who was relentless in trying to hurt others.  he just kept coming and coming.  i wonder if this is about my ex.  nearly every nite as i'm trying to fall asleep, thoughts about him creep in, and angry feelings get stirred up.  not a restful way to fall asleep.  i usually manage to chase those thoughts away, but i can't believe they keep coming back.

maybe i need to have a different kind of ritual for him, one that will put this to rest for me.  i've already done one of my funerals for him, but i have to find something that will help me to move him out of me and into the caretaking of something else.  i thought i'd turned him over to my guardian angel to deal with the forgiveness part, which i did, but either that didn't take, or it's something else i can't put my finger on.

if anyone's done something that has worked for this kind of thing, i'd love to hear it.  maybe some of this is cuz nearly every nite, no matter what show/movie i'm watching, there is always some relationship thing that triggers thoughts of him.  we were together 20 yrs, then spent another 15 as 'friends' while i was in mex.  that's a lot of time, has built up a lot of experiences, conversations, situations, etc. together.  maybe i won't be able to completely get rid of him, and i just need to accept that.

besides, my d still continues a relationship with him, and every so often he'll send her money for a gift, so she discloses that to me cuz of our finances being joint right now.  and, my mind immediately goes to - he keeps doing just enough to make himself look good, like he always has.  ooooh, i hate him.

wish i could cleanse myself of him.  never thought this would be so tough.

did something different today about all this 'ex' stuff, and right now it feels like something lifted.  don't know if it will stay, but it feels ok at the moment.

all this time i've been writing letters to and about him, sent an email, told the powers that be that i need help, to help me.  then i realized (love/hate realizations, but, in the end, they usually get me where i need to go) that i'd kind of been commanding them to help me rather than humbly asking for help.

so, i switched my tack, asked if i could please get some help with this cuz it's driving me crazy, that i'd do what was needed - except i knew i don't have the strength/energy for forgiveness, and mentioned that as well.  i *gulp* said, reluctantly, but something nudged me that this couldn't help me unless i gave some back, said that i'd be willing to go to neutral with him instead of nurturing this powerful hatred i've been carrying.

and it felt like something lifted, and it feels better.  don't know if this will last, but it's better right now.  i'll take it.   :yes:

Awesome!

 :cheer: :hug:

thanks 3r and sceal - it really does feel like something to celebrate.  i had some thoughts/dream snippets about him this morning (for the past week or so, i've been having my dreams just before i wake up), but nothing nasty.  when it threatened to possibly turn in that direction, i told it to go away, i don't want to play.

so far, so good.  as someone else said in their journal, i don't want to let him cause me to become bitter.  mean, nasty, nor hateful, either.  maybe it just took me this much time to finally get to a place where i could choose differently.  the main thing, i think, is that i finally got here. 

Quote
the main thing, i think, is that i finally got here.
:thumbup:
Agreed

Hope you are still feeling that way, San  :hug: Sorry I haven't been able to come here sooner, but I am always with you. Also I might know who said that  ;D

Lots of love to you always. I just wanted to stop by and say I was thinking of you

wb, thank you for that.  it was a great validation.

el, yeah, you know.  and i know.

someone asked me about processing some of my trauma by writing about flashbacks.  after i thought about this for a bit, the answer was 'not really'.  i have written a lot about what happened, how i felt about it, what my sorrow is on having so little care and kindness in my life, but no one has mentioned writing specifically about flashbacks.

the reason, i can see, is that i've never had a t who has ever seen me as wounded and has never asked me to do anything that would go toward healing.  then it hit me that i've been doing all this healing stuff on my own, w/o any professional to guide me, look after me, think about me in that way. 

that's not to take anything away from this forum and the most wonderful people i've never met - this place, you people, have helped me more than i can ever express.  so much healing has taken place within me because of you.  however, i've not ever had proper guidance to help me process any of what i've been thru.

at this stage of my life, i don't know that i'll ever reach a degree of 'thriving'.  this is not neg. or defeated, but simply realistic.  by the time i even realized the kinds of issues i have, the trauma, the neg. experiences i've gone thru - it was less than 5 yrs. ago.  i lived over 65 yrs. of consistent trauma, beginning before i was born, without realizing or understanding any of it.  to think of writing flashbacks or neg. memories down - there's not enough paper and ink. 

to this day, i realize more about things in my life, the people, situations, relationships, and so very much of it was neg.  i have now lived in the most positive environment in my entire life with my d, and that's been for 8 mos.  while, this also goes a long way toward healing, and she's seen differences in me since we moved here, it'll never be enough time to sort thru stuff in the most efficient, healing way possible.

my last t was a little over a year ago, so it's not that i haven't kept giving it a shot.  she was worthless tho.  the last conversation i had with her, she told me that she was there to 'validate and support' me.  well, i have all of you who do a great job of doing that.  i needed therapy, and she never once took a step in that direction. 

so, i've pretty much given up on having a t in my life, altho i would love to have one.  can't afford one, and they usually don't take medicare.  what i realized this morning is that, altho i haven't written about flashbacks or experiences, except here, i have been doing the best i can by myself.  maybe i'll never get over crying every time i see a kindness done to someone, or a loving gesture (my d makes me cry at least once a month).  i'm grieving, maybe for the rest of my life.  it's the only rate i can go at.

i'm very sad about this just now.  one more instance of having to do it on my own, cuz those who were supposed to help me dropped the ball.  my d told me she's so glad i have this place, you people - she knows when i'm struggling cuz of her father, and i can't talk to her about that - and i told her the last time she said that, that you all have saved my life more than once.  i think i'm accepting that i can only go at the speed that's safe for me, cuz i have no safety net irl. 

i do have you, tho, and it's been the best.  i can't believe how much of my life is one memory after another after another after another of being treated badly.  8 mos. out of more than 71 yrs.  dang.  just had to get this out.  another huge realization.  think i'll take the rest of the day off.  love to you all.  you've shown me 4 yrs. of what it looks like to be treated kindly, with acceptance and honesty.  wow.  it's helped so much.  but, it's also no wonder to me now why i can't get past some of this stuff.  why it takes so long.  whew.

whew - finally out of my slump.  hate when those happen, but glad to be able to get it out here.

 :cheer:

Those realisations can knock you round, i wish there weren't so many.
Hugs for San
:hug:

3r, and wb - thank you for the well wishes and validation.  they feel so very good.

and, today i found myself in a sobfest.  saw a commercial about women being demeaned, dismissed, etc., called crazy for showing emotions and being someone outside the traditional expectations of what a woman 'should' be.  well, i started sobbing, did so off and on the rest of the nite.

this becoming human crapola is so very painful.  the tears are toxic, and getting them out means that i'm getting out all the poison of being ridiculed, humiliated, called weird, flaky, 'i didn't know what to do with you', strange - whatever - that i've absorbed and tolerated all these years.  now that i'm re-attaching to my emotions somewhat, dang, it's so hard to stop tolerating, to admit that it's always hurt not to be accepted and treated respectfully.

i didn't know it hurt, brushed it away so fast that i never really felt it.  my muscles are testaments to the pain i've absorbed over the years.  letting it out is painful, too, but maybe my muscles will be able to feel even a miniscule of a bit better.  i was told that i have fibromyalgia, but i don't believe it.  i believe it's years and years of toxins that i didn't know how to process, so i just kept them inside.

i used to tell myself that i couldn't wait to get old so i would just be thought of as 'eccentric'.  seemed like eccentric people were accepted like that, were tolerated, we given leeway to just be who they were.  i wanted to be thought of as eccentric - it just seemed 'interesting' rather than the other stuff, not painful, but maybe a little whimsical.

i know from a young age i never wanted to be frumpy or boring, but i didn't know that not being such meant i'd be thought of as something that didn't belong.

goldurn it, i get sick of this roller coaster.  someone asked if this is worth it.  i know in my head it is, but some days it just doesn't feel too much like that. 

Hi SanMagic,
You're processing a lot of emotions there - be kind to yourself - I hope you don't mind my saying that - I just wanted to send you a hug of compassion and caring  :hug:  Whatever you need to do, or however you are feeling, I hope that you are ok - and I wish you some comforting moments along the roller coaster - so you can get your breath and tolerate and cope with the ride.
:hug:
Hope  :)

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling, I'm sure the tears are healing your body and soul but pain is still so real it feels so destructive.  :hug:
:'(

hey, hope - you are always so caring and kind, i never mind hearing what comes to you.  i love having you pass it along.  it gives me strength, and that's always so helpful.  so, thank you.

wb, you are always so validating.  i really appreciate that.  that pain is real, like you said, and a long time coming.  thank you.

**********  TW  **************

feeling pretty good today.  it seems that i've gone into another joss whedon series, 'firefly', and some of it is doing the same for me as his other shows i've watched lately.  more 'buffy' therapy.

one episode featured torture, and i let loose again, thinking of how i felt, being triple-teamed by narcs, how it truly felt like torture, even tho not of the physical type.  i couldn't watch it all in one sitting.  we finished it the next day, my d being very respectful of my discomfort, altho she didn't ask me precisely what was going on.  i think she suspected that some of it had to do with her father.


end TW  ***********


so, again, felt the pain that i hadn't felt at the time, and just sobbed thru it, as well as later, after she'd gone to bed.  at one point the characters were talking amongst themselves, said that their cap't had survived it.  my d echoed that.  it was very moving.  suddenly i heard my own voice, very low and quiet, unlike my regular voice, saying 'yeah, i survived it'.

with that, my emotions arose.  hate and anger for all 3 of them.  i hadn't hated my narc d before, cuz, after all, she was my daughter.  but, these emotions came of their own volition.  they were suddenly there.  and, i'd just been working so hard to get to neutral with my ex, eliminating the hate for him i'd been carrying, when it showed up, again.

it was good to get it out, and the next day i felt better, but man o man, so much emotion that hadn't been attached to these people before, so much pain - again.  the thought came to me that i think i'm more wounded than i ever believed.  and this thought has come to me several times in the past few years, but it seemed somehow deeper this time.  whew!

so, i'm writing, working to heal, letting that gunk out, continuing to, what, challenge? myself to let this stuff get to me instead of running from it.  putting myself in the line of fire, it feels like.  ooooh, there's a war analogy.  yeah, another battle in this war.  ok, tired now.

 :hug:

 :hug: to you, wb.  thank you.

more 'firefly' therapy today.  too exhausted to write much, but something came out of my mouth that surprised me.  i said to my d, 'this is the first place i've ever lived that didn't feel crooked'. 

 :hug: Just wanted to send you a hug and support in the middle of all the pain you are feeling.

thank you, notalone.  i appreciate that hug.  love your flower, too (old flower child here).

i'm feeling much better today, but the pain yesterday didn't seem like it was enough for the enormity of my tears.  maybe there's more, and i need another trigger to bring it out.  in the meantime, i'll sit with what i've gotten out.

in the episode we watched, a woman saw the man she was attracted to had been with another woman.  when she figured it out, she went to her room, wept while sitting all curled up on the floor.  it struck me that as many times as several of my men had cheated on me, i hadn't shed one tear, never felt any of the pain that would warrant those tears.

well, i wept last nite, felt the pain of it, but quite honestly, there were so many instances of that, i don't think i was allowed to feel all the pain connected to them.  i think i have more tears to shed, more pain to feel on this issue.  we're talking 2 husbands and my first love, and there were years and years of cheating among them.  i think my system stopped me before i got completely overwhelmed and went fetal or something.

but, feeling much better today.  it's been so good to get this crapola out of my system.  my d is very accepting of this stuff, and where we live now is magic.  i know that's playing a big part in all this. 

not crooked - i don't know exactly why that term came to mind yesterday, but i do know it fits exactly with where i live, who i live with.  altho i can't talk to her about her father (one of the cheaters), she does accept me as i go thru these wounds, attend to them, dress them, cut out the poison.   that's what has been encouraging healing.

and where we live - it's so beautiful, surrounded by trees, birds, ocean sounds, it's quiet, we have the best neighbors ever - it's conducive to smiling and being all right.  there's respect and caring and acceptance in my home and outside - my environment and living conditions have never been this straightforward before.  they invite me to be just me.  it's a wondrous feeling, but it's been a little tough to get used to.

and, it's absolutely what i need just now.  so little stress - that's the key to it all for me.  we've been here 8 1/2 mos. now and it's beginning to unravel me, but in a good way.  i've been so twisted for so long.  crooked cuz of who i lived with, what the circumstances were like that were going on around me.  things are beginning, just a little, but it's a beginning, to straighten out. 

i can sit and watch the birds flitting past the window and feel content.  it's very soft, gentle.  colors and birdsong and wind blowing thru the trees.  dang, i hope we can make it here.  i really never want to leave.  not out of feeling like i've reached a sanctuary, like i did when i got to mexico, but that i've finally found a home.  i want to cry - in all my life, it seems, as many houses as i've lived in, as many times as i believed i was done moving and wanted to stay the rest of my life, i've never quite had this feeling before.  it's in my gut.  enough.

nope, gotta step away again.  i responded to a few posts the past few days, and i started doubting myself, stepping over boundaries, getting too much into my head.  that's not a good thing for me.  i've been going thru enough of my own stuff lately, and i wasn't respecting that.  wish i could do it all.

I totally understand the need to step away. I can't respond as much or to as many people on the forum as I want to. We need to take care of ourselves first, it's our Job #1.

But... I'm wondering if this comment...

Quoteresponded to a few posts the past few days,...  stepping over boundaries,

...refers to the response you gave to my post on my journal. If so I'd like to say this about boundaries.

It's not our job to figure out where others' boundaries are. We would need a crystal ball or a psychic to be able to discern others' boundaries without being told where they are! No, it is the individual's job to set his or her own boundaries and then to monitor them. And, it is then up to everyone to honor each other's boundaries as they have been stated.

In other words, in my opinion, it's impossible to always know where everyone else's boundaries are. It's impossible to honor a boundary that has not been set. But we can honor boundaries that have been pointed out to us.

Again, if you're referring to your reply in my journal, you crossed no boundary, dear San.  :hug:

Sorry for taking over your journal temporarily! But this felt important to me to say.  :hug: (and I also am interested in hearing from you and others about their opinions on this.)

hey, 3r,

stepping over boundaries - i totally agree with what you said about them.  and, yes, i did feel that i stepped over a boundary by what i said in your journal.

maybe not a personal boundary, but an implied forum boundary about being supportive and not giving advice.  i was in my own head and perspective, and was pretty adamant about how i viewed what you were saying about how you felt about your situation and feelings.  i don't think that was ok - when i get caught up in my own crapola, i tend to get bossy and controlling.

that's what i'm sorry about, and part of what made me know that i need to step away for a bit.  i have to reboot.  i'm all fuzzled up right now, and doing stuff like this is really stressful to me.  it's not you, 3r, not one bit.  i'm glad you came back and reiterated what you believed and why, stood your ground on that, but i also know that can be difficult for people here to do.  it can be distressing, and i absolutely don't want to cause further distress to anyone.  we've all got enough of that just trying to get from one day to the next.

thank you for responding to all this, sweetie.  you are a wonderful part of my life, and i appreciate you so much.  i just need some time to gather myself together.    :hug: :hug: :hug:

 :hug: understood  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 16, 2019, 02:04:35 AM
nope, gotta step away again.  i responded to a few posts the past few days, and i started doubting myself, stepping over boundaries, getting too much into my head.  that's not a good thing for me.  i've been going thru enough of my own stuff lately, and i wasn't respecting that.  wish i could do it all.

hey san, I think it's good you're recognising that you need to step away for you. I think if we could "do it all" we wouldn't be here at all, we wouldn't have cptsd. Take care :hug: :hug:

"maybe not a personal boundary, but an implied forum boundary about being supportive and not giving advice.  i was in my own head and perspective, and was pretty adamant about how i viewed what you were saying about how you felt about your situation and feelings.  i don't think that was ok - when i get caught up in my own crapola, i tend to get bossy and controlling."

Dear San, I know these thoughts, too. I sometimes tend to give bossy advice, too, at least it feels bossy. And then I'm ashamed.  I think it's good that you are aware about this.

But we do not have to be perfect.

And when I notice bossiness in my tone I can check back. I don't mean your post to 3R was bossy (I haven't read that one).
Take good care of yourself.

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi san :wave: :hug: Hope you're doing OK!

i may have made a mistake in taking on 2 clients for my group.  i'm super nervous beforehand, and so anxious afterwards, wondering if i've said enough, too much, the wrong thing.  it's a mom and 15-yr. old d, and i haven't worked w/ kids for 20 yrs.  things have changed more than i realized.  i added some tech stuff to the process, and i think that makes a difference, but this is a whole different world kids are living in now, and i'm feeling inadequate.

happily, she was going to see a shrink for an eval. after we met today, see if she needs to be on meds for depression, or to check to see if her ocd/anxiety stuff is bad enough to focus on.  but, honestly, i'm feeling out of my realm.  i've been crashing regularly the past 2 1/2 weeks since i started this.  there are 4 sessions to go, but i'm doubting myself as i never have.  don't know how much of this is my own crapola, or how much it's because of the changes that have been going on in the world.
'
probably some of both, but, dang.  i'm exhausted, anxious, doubting myself, low energy, and feeling generally out of it most of the time.  i've also just recently how much stress i've been under since i moved here 9 mos. ago, and it's way more than i bargained for.  the mr., being ill, my d's trip to take care of her father/my ex (which drove me round the bend a few times, stirred up all sorts of stuff that wrecked me), the holidays.  i've gained a bunch of weight not only from eating but from not being able to exercise cuz of being sick nearly 2 mos.  3 doc visits. 

honestly, i just needed to write this out here.  i've even been staying away from here cuz the stress was too much.  i feel like i'm losing so much lately, and as much as i love doing therapy, the thought of losing that, too, is almost too much.  plus, i've been working with my d on her books, and that's always pressure, but, again, something i love to do. 

maybe part of this is also losing another home and hub, plus 2 more girlfriends in the past 3 yrs.  dang, i'm so frickin' tired of this.  seems that's all i can write anymore, is how tired i am.  i get a day or 2 of feeling ok, then it's down the crapper again.  i just want some peace.  ack!

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

San, there's so much I'd like to respond but realise I'm way too exhausted  :fallingbricks: too. So  :hug: :hug: :bighug: :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic - sending you a hug  :hug:  Thinking of  you. 
Hope  :)

3r, blueberry, and hope -  :hug: :hug: :hug: to each of you.  thank you, as always, for your support.

anjulie, a belated thank you and  :hug: also.  it's good to be reminded we don't have to be perfect.

a lot has happened in the past several weeks.  the mom and d are still doing my group (it runs 6 weeks), and it's been a hodgepodge of changed times, changed days, lots of mom/d dynamics that have had to be addressed.  the d got assessed 2 wks. ago by a shrink, who told her she has ocd, put her on antidepressants cuz she's also depressed - talks about wanting to die. she told me that she'd be willing to take them for a month, see how it goes.

last week she came w/ her mom to meet w/ me, but had decided not to do the meds, and was going to move into her own space alongside a grandma, aunt, and uncle in another town.  she's been extremely isolated, has shared a room w/ her mom the past several years, has been home-schooled, and has no friends close by.  the move would give her an opportunity for some space away from mom, work a job for pay (get some responsibility), and she has 2 girlfriends there.  sounded good.

today, i got an email from the mom that the d is suicidal, mom has to stay w/ the d, she couldn't make it to meet w/ me today - and, yeah   :fallingbricks:.  i'm not doing therapy w/ them, so i don't feel responsible - seems to me like the d  got overwhelmed - but it still hits me.  these weeks of having clients, while they've each gone really well, have been way more stressful than i imagined.  last week, every so often while i was sitting with them, suddenly i was feeling my muscles tense up in my legs/arms for no apparent reason.  it's just more than i can take.

it's been a lot of prep work every week - i haven't presented this info for over 20 yrs., and it was always to adults - and even tho i've got it written down, i've had to make notes for myself to refer to cuz i couldn't remember anything from week to week.  so, i've been having to push myself between meetings to re-read each chapter, make notes, then study them so i looked at least like i knew what i was talking about.

in the midst of this, i got a letter from the mr. (thank you, sceal), wanting me back.  ok, that was  :spooked: scary as all get out!  i agonized over that for 2 weeks.  seems he deleted both my email and phone # after he read the last email i'd sent him, letting out some anger at a fool move he'd made that caused me to fall.  if it hadn't been for our trusty ottoman, i would;'ve hit the floor.  and, at my age, (which i've already told him), the #1 priority is no falls for me.

it took me all that time, sleepless nites, countless memories, nerves galore, before i could fashion a letter that said, in essence, that because of what had gone down before (no pun intended), i was going to decline his offer.  i sent it out at the beginning of this week, and knew that he'd be getting it yesterday or today, and the night before last i had a horrible nightmare about screaming at my sister because of something she'd done,

i was able to put that in connection w/ the mr. thing.  i've often substituted my sister for my nc d when it's come to getting mad at her in dreams.  because of our circumstances, her illnesses, etc., i never allowed myself to get mad at her.  however, all that anger was stored, and it looks like there's still some there i haven't dealt with. 

what i was mad about was the idea that w/ this rejection letter i'd written to the mr., i anticipated that he was going to get mad  :pissed: and therefore there would be horrible vibes aimed at me, even if he never made contact w/ me.  the connection to my d is that while she was in high school, she told her friends and teachers lies about me phys, abusing her, soc. services was called on me, and all her friends hated me.  i didn't know this about her friends until much later, but i couldn't understand why none of her friends would ever come over.  our house was always kid-friendly, and my other d's friends were over all the time.

long story short, after a crisis, i got hold of her diary, and she'd written in there that her boyfriend didn't want to come over cuz he was afraid he'd kill me if he saw me.  i was stunned at the hostility that was floating around toward and about me, when i hadn't done anything to warrant it.  so, the thought of the mr. being really mad - he does have anger/rage issues - triggered me something terrible.  i'm just coming down from the aftermath of that today, but also heard about the mom and d's dilemma, and it's too much stress.  one more time.

so, i just wanted to write about it here, get it out of me.  i always know that i'm cared about here, that this is a safe place to vent, put out my emotions, just let things out of me.  i'm considering writing a letter to not send to my nc D, but not right now.  i've got to get thru this mom/d clients thing first.  too much!!!!  i'm feeling kind of frozen right now, but i guess i thawed enough to be able to write this, and for that i'm glad.

 :hug: Sending you a caring hug.

thank you, notalone.  what a great name you chose - a wonderful reminder for me and all of us, actually.  your caring helps.

Sending all the positivity to you that's possible, my friend.  :hug: 💜

thanks, my dear 3r.  i've got it and it's helped.  i'm feeling more settled tonite, so that feels good.  just too much stuff in too short a time.  going to take it slow this weekend - that'll help, too. 

wow - i responded to 2 journals this morning, and suddenly my head is spinning.  guess it's not time yet.

gonna go do some regular household chores, get away from thinking for a bit.

Hi SanMagic,
You responded to my Journal, and I thank you so much - but please be kind to yourself and I'd like to send you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks, hope.  that was lovely to hear.

i'm still under the weather.  worse today than a few days ago.  just stress - JUST!  laying low, clear liquids, just got done w/ a deadline earlier in the week and it set me down again. 

love to you all.

Please continue to get rest and have good self-care. Hope you feel better soon.  :hug:

notalone, thank you for that.  it helps - always.

today feels a bit stronger.  another death yesterday that i grieved.  this crapola just keeps coming.  can't catch a week w/o something extremely emotional or difficult to deal w/ getting in the way of eliminating this stress i'm surrounded w/.  ugh!  so very tired of it.  we're living in a beautiful place, and we've had non-stop issues to deal w/ for the past year.  it just hasn't let up!

so, still down but feeling a bit more rested.  just gotta keep on staying down.  it's the only thing that helps.  love and hugs to everyone.

Hi SanMagic,
Glad to hear that you're feeling a bit more rested.  Sending you love and hugs.   :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

thank you for the well wishes, the love and the hugs, hope.  they are always appreciated.

i'm having a hard time getting out of stress mode.  my d just came down w/ strep, and, as always, i'm not a very good nurse to others.  it's not that i don't want to help them out - i truly do - but it's so stressful to me and i don't like it.  i can feel my chest tightening as i speak of it.  honestly, we've been in this house one year (in 7 days, exactly), and it has been one thing after another. 

i just got to a place where i was doing some recovery work on myself, which is stressful enough in itself, and then this happened.  i didn't really get a chance to recover from the emotional part of the work and we were off to the urgent care doc yesterday morning.  now she's beginning to cough, so i know it's getting worse.  we won't know if it's viral or bacterial till after the weekend.  ugh! 

so, i decided to just dump some of this stuff here.  i'm just not good at this - i wish i could be.  i just want to hide in my room till she gets better, but i know she wants company, and she needs me to fetch and carry for her at times.  i know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it has been like this for me for as long as i can remember.  it's a part of myself that i'm not very fond of.  ok, i hate this about myself.  and i hate having to wait on people.

yuck!  that's what it felt like to admit that.  i'm very good at giving when i want to, but illness has its own demands.  she's not demanding, not one bit, but i know that i really want some extra tlc when i'm sick - it just comes w/ the territory  - so that's where the expectations come in.  it's pressure i put on myself, cuz most people are more than happy to help out.  my hub took care of me for years while i've been sick, he always did it w/ a glad heart.  i wish i could get to that place.!!!

ok, deep breath,  let out that crapola.  i'm even wearing a mask to protect myself from her germs, but inside i'm scared to death that i've already got the bug and it's going to show up sometime next week.  please, no.  wow - i'm in rather a tizzy, aren't i!  this crapola sucks!  me, included.

Sending germ-free  :hug: :hug:

thanks, blueberry - that brought a chuckle from my heart!

was able to get out and walk a little bit this morning, listened to the birds, smelled the trees, picked some flowers.  that helped replenish my soul.  i feel more ready and able to be a caregiver today, at least that's something.  dishes and repotting orchids are on my agenda for today.  we'll see! 

Nature has a wonderful way of healing and being uplifting.

it really does, sceal.  honestly, it makes all the difference when i can get out and be actually in the midst of it.  well, you know that for yourself, right?  it's the best!

still tired, still worn out.  my d is finally feeling better, which is good, but i crashed again and am just working on recovering from the stress of it.  it would be nice to feel good for more than a few days at a time, tho.  unfortunately, when i do have a couple of days, i do all the things that have been waiting for me, and sometimes that's too much again.  dagnabit!!!  someday, maybe, i'll figure out the equation for this balancing act.  that would be nice!

it's our one year anniversary of being in this house.  i want to find a house blessing/cleansing prayer and sage it.  we've had so much stress and tension while living here this past year, i just want to clear it all out and leave it bright and shiny for the year to come.  we so love living here, want to stay here always.  don't know yet how that will happen, but i have faith.

finally feeling better, and that feels good.  yesterday, on our way to a different food bank, my anxiety skyrocketed.  i thought it was because it would be a new place, new procedure, new people, so i left it at that for a bit.  later, i realized that with virtually all the stress and tension gone (i actually had a couple of very relaxed days this week) my body/mind was feeling disturbed for the lack of it.  i think i was somehow manufacturing anxiety because i don't quite know how to function smoothly without it!

it was quite the revelation.  i talked to my d about it, she thought it was a reasonable response to the fact that we've gone thru some rough stuff this past year, even lately, and have left some even rougher stuff behind once we moved here.  i went into my t mode and thought that if a client had brought this to me, that, yeah, i would have suggested it.  so, after i got home, i saged myself, said a little negativity release prayer, and felt pretty good the rest of the evening.

i also slept good last nite and feel pretty good this morning.  while i don't expect my life to be stress-free (i'm kind of waiting for the third person to die - these deaths always seem to come in three's), i am hoping that my body can begin to start letting go of a lot of what it's been holding onto for me.  that would be nice.  so, i'm still in healing mode, but this new twist gave me something to think about.  it feels right.

Glad you had some relaxed days and are learning how to allow yourself to feel a lack of stress.  :grouphug:

thanks for the support, notalone.  i appreciate it.  love and  :hug: to you.  i hope you're doing well.

Sounds as if you're coping well with what's coming up! Also good on you for the realisations about anxiety-manufacturing.  :hug: :hug: Now I remember the word I was looking for - you sound empowered! You're coming up with ideas like saging, doing it, feeling a result and then telling us. Way to go!

blueberry!  thank you so much - you touched my heart! 

i really like that phrase you used - anxiety-manufacturing.   that hits the nail on the head for me. 

i didn't feel it at the time, but maybe you're right, maybe this is how empowerment looks.  you know, i just got sick and tired of going in circles, not being able to get help anywhere else, so i guess i took to giving myself help.  i've looked for shamanistic healing for years, and none was forthcoming (medical docs, as you well know, have been less than helpful - it's hard for them to look outside the box at times, at the whole person and their history) so i pulled on some specific memories, especially of attending native american spiritual ceremonies.

it's seeming to do the trick.  i feel spiritual at this moment - i finished saging myself and the house - and i can feel my body struggling w/ being comfortable right now, getting rid of the negativity, the stress that's been built up in our home since we've moved in.  funny how that works.  anxiety-manufacturing - it's exactly what this feels like.  i guess now i just need to give myself time to get used to it, let myself be with it.   i could really feel it, tho, while i was walking around each room.

while i was reading about the smudging technique, it also talked about how it can rid the area of negativity, but also can open up the space - especially if you work at home, which my d does - to allow fresh ideas and more beneficial results in.  i liked that idea.  i would imagine that anything in the department of creativity would be enhanced. 

i'm also going to put a circle of sea salt around the outside of our house.  that's supposed to be helpful in keeping negativity out, not allowing it to enter.  i would love for peace and calm to reside here from now on.

thanks again, blueberry, for your vote of support.  you don't know what it meant to me.  love and hugs to you.  i hope you find your own way to empowerment.  it really does feel lovely - not at all aggressive, just grounded and light at the same time. 

Can't believe that the last year has gone so fast! You've lived in the new house a year already!? Wow.

I always wondered about sage, it seems very ritualistic and spiritualistic. I was raised in a non-religious and non-spiritual home. Not that my parents would have been bothered if I chose either, they didn't baptize me or my sibling because they wanted to give us the choice. I thought that was nice, I apprechiated that. However, I am curious about spiritualism. Or some of it, although whenever I try to learn about it I get overwhelmed by people who wants to stuff it down my throat, or people who are just waaay over the top about it - in a way that too me seems fake and unauthentic. And that's a little sad, because I'd like to learn more. Perhaps I've looked in all the wrong places :D

But finding ways to get rid of negativity, burning up those energies and removing the toxic waste (be it emotional, mental, spiritual or actual, physical toxic waste from factories and what not) sounds like something we could all benefit from! I hope this works for you!  :hug: :hug:

hey, sceal,

i know what you mean about getting stuff crammed down your throat - not a fan of that, either.  this sageing thing i picked up from attending native american ceremonies and powwows.  they just did their thing, like they've been doing it forever, and simply invite people to join them, participate or not, w/ no pressure.

altho it's not my culture, the sageing has been something that's appealed to me, and i've used it before.  now that our house is done, i can actually feel it being 'cleaner'.  i've also been doing it on myself more regularly as a way, especially when i'm processing something, to release the negative by-products, let them go with the smoke.  i was raised religiously, but i never felt a sense of spirituality in all those years.  it wasn't until i attended my first AA meeting and they talked of a higher power that i understood and was able to feel what spirituality meant.

since then, that's the path i've chosen, and i've created my own belief system along the way.  it works for me.  i can't begin to haphazard a guess as to what might work for anyone else.  if you ever have questions, pm me, ok?   

thanks for your well wishes, sweet sceal.  i appreciate them and all your thoughts.  love and hugs to you.

hard crash, just spent the past few hours crying.  i was telling someone about grieving what was taken from her, feeling bad for herself about what she's lost, and i think that triggered me.  i also realized that, as much as i've been feeling relaxed lately, it's really subjective.  i read recently about how pain does not allow relaxation of the body or brain, for that matter.

i don't know, it all hit me and i feel terrible at the moment.  terrible pain in my chest, did a guided relaxation which didn't help, went for the xanax.  i'm coming down right now from the spasm, but man o man, what a terrible feeling.  at my age, and just knowing about all this for just the past 5 yrs., i really don't think . . .it's too hard to write.  i'll get thru it, but it makes me wary of feeling good again if it's only going to end up like this.

Hey San, I might PM you in the future. Right now, I don't have the head for more new information.
There's no native americans where I live, so I couldn't go to them. But also, I'd be terrified. I'm so afraid of stepping on some toes.

I read this article today... And reading what you wrote about today, it made me think of you. There was a small study done about PTSD sufferrers and chronic inflammation in the body.  It's been known for a while that with depression and such illnesses the bodys immune system goes into high gear, but usually it'll clear out once the depression is out. What they found in the research about PTSD and chronic low-grade inflammation is that after a person with PTSD has gone through their therapy and they feel better mentally their immune system goes into highwire and the inflammation actually increases - despite the patient feeling mentally better. It's such a small study so it doesn't have anything definitive, but it is an interessting thing never the less. And interessting enough for the researchers to continue to study this.

My point is, maybe right now your immune system is a bit broken down and your body isn't relaxing because it's fighting a low-grade inflammation, that it's not "just" the mind? If you catch my drift.

sceal, i believe you are absolutely on the money.  i've been battling inflammatory responses to stress for over 40 yrs.  in fact, i believe it is an underlying factor in the 'stress flue' i recently mentioned.  this was how, in fact, i found out about being pregnant w/ my first d - i'd been feeling like i had the beginnings of the 'flu' for over a month, couldn't feel better, finally went to the doc and he checked - sure enough, i was pregnant.  so, it seems that any kind of stressor, no matter what form, produces inflammation that causes flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feeling generally crappy, lethargy, burning eyes - like the flu is right around the corner.  that's never the reality, tho.

i've been taking ibuprofen for over half my life to combat these symptoms - i don't think a day goes by that i'm not taking some.  plus, the chronic pain i experience compounds any mental/emotional stress i might be feeling - and it doesn't take much to produce that.  last time i saw my doc, who is a nurse practitioner (i like them better than regular m.d.'s), she told me i was completely worn out.  i simply have no resources left for battling this stuff.  it's been too much for too long.

i'll be 72 this year - i don't think i have enough time left to actually heal anymore, which was part of what got me very down today, too.  i've usually been able to hold off on thinking about that, but it hit me consciously today.  i don't believe anymore that there is any true hope for a full recovery for me.  that means that i put up with the pain as best i can, put one foot in front of the other, do what i'm able (like my sageing, my brainspotting, and my grieving - i don't think i can get away from that.  there's been too much loss in my lifetime - and just be part of this forum, surround myself with you and everyone else who has shown me such kindness and caring, and have faith.   and rely on the occasional xanax to get me thru these particularly tough days.

i truly thank you sceal for you time and attention.  you have shown me to be one of my greatest supporters, and for that i'm grateful.  i believe what you said about battling the low grade inflammation - i'm convinced it is always there, sometimes worse than others.  i will just take advantage of my better days, and live thru my worse days.  i just want to help my d out until she can stand on her own two feet financially.  she's my do-over, and i am glad for the chance to be the mom i couldn't be in the past.  sometimes, tho, it takes a lot out of me.still, she is good about letting me rest, has no judgments, and is very patient and kind w/ me. 

i'm also grateful that i have a place here where i can let some of this stuff out, and get feedback that lets me know it's not all in my head, that i'm not crazy or faking it.  that's been a trial over the years, too.  so, thanks again.  love you, doll.

Don't give up San you may not make it your perfect place but I hope you can make to a better one.  I have to hope that there's better for us all out what's the point?  Hugs! :hug:

tee, thank you for your words of encouragement.  very sweet of you.  i don't think i'm giving up, just being realistic.  i'm too old, came to this after too many years of damage - my body doesn't have time anymore to fully heal, if it even could.  my brain has been damaged from before birth, and altho i've made a lot of progress, and have had a great life, have accomplished a lot of things, it's just too stressful to do anything like that anymore.  this past year has shown me how very low my tolerance toward any kind of stress really is.

it's just the way it is.  all of you who have come to this realization of c-ptsd while you're so much younger, i have every hope and faith that you will make it through, that you will get better.  i don't have any doubt about that.  there are already several people over the past few years who have reported that they no longer meet the diagnosis of c-ptsd - that's the greatest news ever!

so, thank you, tee - i truly appreciate your hope.  i'm convinced it really will be better for most all of you.  i'm speaking of myself only, and this realization, being able to voice it, hit me hard today.  i don't mean to bring anyone else down.  it's just my age - things don't heal the same in your 70's as they do earlier.  so many of you do have the time to make the changes, to do the work, to see life thru a different lens and create a different perspective.  i won't stop fighting, i have more better days than in the past.  *, there was a time i was too sick to do the dishes!  that's not so anymore.  so, yeah, i've gotten better, and it has been worth it. 

the point is, as others have said, is that even tho we get thrown down, we continue to pick ourselves up one more time.  i'll keep picking myself up - it's what i do - it just keeps getting a bit more difficult now than it used to, the realizations are more difficult to digest and process, and the pain doesn't go away anymore.  living better thru science is the best i can do, and i fight that every day, too.  sometimes i wish i could just stay stoned and not care, but i've been there, done that, it's not the solution. 

so, i'll keep coming here when i'm able, and absorb all the goodness you give me.  that helps.

 :hug: :hug:  :grouphug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 01, 2019, 09:52:30 PM
i simply have no resources left for battling this stuff.  it's been too much for too long.

:bighug: :bighug: Wish I could send you some, but I mostly have too little energy myself.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 01, 2019, 09:52:30 PM
i'll be 72 this year - i don't think i have enough time left to actually heal anymore, which was part of what got me very down today, too.  i've usually been able to hold off on thinking about that, but it hit me consciously today.  i don't believe anymore that there is any true hope for a full recovery for me.  that means that i put up with the pain as best i can, put one foot in front of the other, do what i'm able (like my sageing, my brainspotting, and my grieving - i don't think i can get away from that.  there's been too much loss in my lifetime - and just be part of this forum, surround myself with you and everyone else who has shown me such kindness and caring, and have faith.   and rely on the occasional xanax to get me thru these particularly tough days.

I'm a couple of decades younger than you, but I do feel that way sometimes too. I feel it worst when I'm in an EF though. In my EF, I think these are realistic thoughts. Outside the EF they  hardly cross my mind.

I also think that younger mbrs on the forum who get into trauma-informed T have a better chance of healing properly than some of us older ones who did decades of T which may now have turned out to be partially counterproductive, because not trauma-informed. Atm my T is helping me disband some of those incorrect ideas that were given to me in non trauma-informed T. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 01, 2019, 09:52:30 PM
i'm also grateful that i have a place here where i can let some of this stuff out, and get feedback that lets me know it's not all in my head, that i'm not crazy or faking it.  that's been a trial over the years, too. 

Yes, yes and yes to all of this too.

I am younger by a few decades and am so grateful for all of the support and life Experience here in so thankful I found this place. I'm almost 40 and have lived through enough that I shouldn't have that my mind is at constant war with it's self.  I feel like I'm going crazy a lot of the time.

I had to quit the job that I went to school for cause I couldn't do it any more when I no longer has my fractured parts to help me deal with the stress and when I regained my emotions.  The funny thing is I was a teacher with little to no emotions.

I do hope that I can get this figured out and be in a better place in my life.   And I thank all of you who are older San, and blueberry for being here to encourage and help and share your stories, and honestly for helping get trauma therapies to where they are so that I might have a chance.  You are so brave!

hey, blueberry, thanks for the hugs and support.  i'm so very glad for you that you have a t who is helping you with all of it, including past unhelpful therapy.  2 decades ago, i had no idea as to what was going on - i was drinking, smoking, doing drugs.  those are things of the past, tho.  in my 40's i was in the midst of doing therapy w/ the npd t, and was dealing w/ my nc ex and d. 

so, that's part of the progress i've made in that amount of time, but it was nearly all without knowing about c-ptsd - that didn't happen till about 6 yrs. ago.  still, a lot of progress on some major negativity in my life.  and just in this past 2 yrs. i've gotten away from 3 majorly negative people, including my landlady and her household, my bff for 20 yrs., and the mr.  so, the progress isn't stopping, but neither is the pain, both physical and emotional.  there's still just too much hiding inside.

it lessens as i keep working on it, tho, which is good.  it's just that the reality of my age, the fact that i don't have a professional to help me thru this, and that every time i feel better, some other stressful thing comes along and it sinks me yet again.  these parts don't stop.  it's getting harder and harder to keep picking myself up time after time.

tee, i'm so very glad for you that you've caught this while you're younger.  you have every chance to beat this, of that i have no doubt.  i know that crazy feeling, and all i can say is that it gets better, calmer, as you continue to progress.   i had to quit my job, too, the one i loved, cuz i got too sick from absorbing all the stress of emotions that i couldn't express, and from those of others.  thanks for the support, sweetie.  you will do well, i can tell.  you've already made progress from the first time you wrote in your journal!   one foot in front of the other.

sending love and hugs to you both.  thank you for your support and well wishes.  they are so appreciated.  i have no doubt i will get out of this funk eventually - i'm just so worn out that it takes its time.

 :hug:I mask things well but I'm trying.  I hope things get better for you San.  Here for you!

thank you, tee.  i appreciate you being here for me - you don't know how much it means to me.  it really does help. 

if i may say so, i think you're doing more than trying - i think you're doing.  you're sharing and you're giving support to others as well.  that's what progress looks like.  well done!   :hug:

well, that dank darkness has lifted.  i did some brainspotting this morning, a generic target of intrusive thoughts about my ncD.  i could feel a shift again.  i saged the negativity away, took a nap, and this afternoon things feel clearer, and i'm feeling more 'up'.  it's a really nice feeling after the crapola i was feeling the past couple of days.  thank you, god!

i still feel realistic about my age and recovery, but not so heavy about it.  much better.  if this is an indication that things/people from my past can intrude and be an overwhelming burden that attempts to pull me under, then i have a clearer idea of how to take care of that.   so far, so good.  i guess i didn't consciously realize how very heavy this crapola can be, like an anchor dragging along the bottom of a dark, scary lake.  ugh!  so, if i can turn that anchor from concrete into styrofoam, it looks like chances are better that i don't have to stay at the bottom of this.

i know blueberry asked if this might be an ef when i go thru it.  i honestly don't know.  i do know that i experienced one not long ago w/ a t i had seen, and it didn't feel anything like this.  but, i also believe i was in an ef several years ago that lasted 8 mos., but that had no focus to it.  it was just a general feeling out of sorts, helpless, anxiety-ridden, didn't now where to turn, desperate.  i don't think this felt the same - it had a realistic focus to it, one that made sense to me.  the other didn't.

i don't know.  since i don't always have my emotions around me, accessible, i may not always be able to tell what's really going on w/ me.  i'll just leave that alone - i don't think i'll ever truly be able to figure that part out.  i think i'll just take these feelings as they come and not try to analyze them too closely - i can drive myself crazy that way.

 :hug:
I'm glad that you are feeling a little better.  I hope that you come to feel better.  One step at a time right. :)

yep, tee, one step at a time is absolutely correct.   :hug:

this morning, i woke up hot and in pain way too early.  i'd forgotten to take my advil before bed last nite.  i won't make that mistake again.

it's been lovely having so much stress lifted from me recently, especially that i've felt well enough to write here, be more involved again on the forum.  a little at a time.   i know i'm missing out on some wonderful people cuz i can't respond to everyone, and i wish it could be different.   unfortunately . . .  i can only do what i can do. 

so, happy 4th.  we're planning to go to the beach tonite, watch the sunset and fireworks that people bring.  we did this last year, it was great fun.  it wasn't very crowded, but there were enough fireworks to keep us happy.  it's hard to look forward to that right now cuz of the pain, but hopefully that will change by tonite.

Hi SanMagic,
I hope you enjoy the Fireworks tonight, and that your pain is less by then.  Happy 4th July to you. 
Hope  :)

I hope you feel better by tonight so you can enjoy yourselves at the beach.  I'm getting off work in time to get home and out of the downtown firework mess of tonight.  Crowds are still very triggering for me I have then with my kids to give them the experience but since my girls at camp my boy said he's to big for it this year I said cool.

Had a rough night after counciling and am cycling today already so don't need more to deal with.  I'll be going home. 

Hope everyone has a great 4th though!

Happy 4th! Feel better soon.  :hug:

hey, hope, glad you're back.  thanks for the well wishes.

hi tee, thank you, too.  don't know if i'll make it tonite - i'm all stuffed up, feeling crappy again.  this junk comes and goes w/ me way too much.  just the other day i was feeling so good, pretty stress free, then it hit me again today.  don't know what's up.  we'll see how tonite goes.  i'm glad you were able to avert the crowds.

hey, 3r, happy 4th to you, too.  and thank you for the well wishes.  i hope i do.

it feels like stress flu once again.  everything was seeming to be getting better and better.  maybe i've been holding my breath, so to speak, cuz my d has still felt out of sorts.  today was the first day she said she didn't feel actually sick.  maybe this is my crash after being on alert w/ her.  now that i write it, i'll bet that's it.  dang.

so, back to taking it totally easy again,  maybe we'll drive tonite instead of walk - we've got the car for 2 more days before our neighbor gets back.  it looks like it's going to be a gorgeous sunset like last year, too.  i really don't want to miss that.  we'll see.

honestly, i think my life is a series of 'we'll see's' over and over again. 

Well I hope you are able to enjoy you evening. :hug:

thank you, tee - that's very sweet of you.

had a good talk w/ my d last nite.  she's noticed that when i feel 'good' i tend to run around doing stuff like a mad woman, instead of pacing myself.  i told her that i always feel like, it i feel good, now's the time to do stuff, cuz i don't know when or if i'll get that chance again - this off and on feeling crappy has lasted for so many years, so many cancellations of plans that i hesitate to plan anything w/ anyone anymore.  it's frustrating to me and i don't like disappointing people.

she assured me that she's not disappointed, for one thing.  for another, she thought it may be a healthier attitude to do things cuz i want to do them and feel like doing them rather than for a doom and gloom future reason.  that made sense to me - attitude can make a lot of difference in things, i've found.  so, this morning, i felt like walking and worked at shooing away neg. thoughts about the future.  i enjoyed the walk, was glad i did it, and i feel pretty good.  one step at a time.

we did enjoy the evening, even if we didn't go see fireworks.  we heard them, tho, and had our chat instead.  that was better to me.

That sounds like a lovely evening to me!

That's awesome glad you had a good evening. Fireworks will be around next year ;D

Glad you had a nice evening with your daughter.
Here is a firework for you.  ;) :fireworks:

o, notalone, that was perfect!  thank so very - fireworks always bring a smile to my heart!   :hug:

as i've been doing some processing lately, especially about my ex, i've discovered (thru something i read in another journal and some extra research) that i may have energy blockages going on, and they've been contributing to my chronic aches and pains.  so, i'm looking into chakras and energy work, something i really haven't paid attention to very much in the past.  a lot of what i've found seems to be hitting my nail on the head, especially about trauma from before birth to 2 yrs. old.

of course, once again, i can't afford to go to someone to help me with this, but i found some info on how to do it on my own, how to unblock these energy centers and get rid of them.  also, i've been discovering how the very early trauma has affected me in my sense of self (or not) and some of the major behaviors i've exhibited and what they mean.  it's all very interesting, and is making more sense than i thought it might.  from my floaty feeling most of my life to craving touch (and often getting it thru sex, which was denied me by all 3 hubs), leaving me with the feeling that i can't get enough of what i want/need.  all i had before was confusion and a strong urge to do things to prove myself - mostly to my dead father.

so, very interesting.  we'll see where i go with this.  one more adventure.  sometimes i wish i could just leave all this alone, just live my life, but then when i wake up in the morning, moaning and groaning in pain, i think that i really do want this to at least diminish - it would make my life a lot more pleasant, less stressful.  and i'm all about less stress.  deep breath.  here i go again!

 :grouphug:

thanks, tee - hugs always appreciated!   :hug:

I hope you find some answers!  :hug:

I took the free test at this website, https://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/chakratest then followed the directions for balancing the ones the test showed were out of balance. Thanks for reminding me of this, because it really helped! Hopefully it will bring you back to feeling energetic.  :hug:

tee, thank you for your support   :hug:

3r, thanks for the link.  i'm going to try something this morning - i hope it helps, too.  it would be nice.   :hug:

so i did some chakra work, combined it w/ brainspotting,, trying to clear this blockage i've been reading about.  profound realizations.  i'm so sad about my life.  my trauma began in the birth canal, metal forceps cut my face near my eye, so i must've been a bloody mess (more than usual) when i was born.  as my father was wont to tell me, i was the ugliest baby he'd ever seen.  no wonder there have been no baby pictures of me!  who'd want to show off that?  who'd be proud of that?  who'd want to acknowledge that?

all this is streaming from me as we speak.  the idea of not being a little person who was hidden away . . . without realizing it, i've been terrified all my life, have been living in survival mode, looking for someone to tell me i'm beautiful (only one man has ever made me feel that way), looking for the dad who would protect me, claim me, be proud of me, let me know that i belonged no matter what.  i've just learned that i've felt i haven't belonged here my entire life.  everyone else was more important, and i was expendable.

i can't count the times i've said to others 'you deserve to be here for the mere sake of being born', yet i was carrying that around within me, not believing i deserved that w/o knowing it until today.  so i've been looking for someone who would take care of me, protect me, not reject me, and of course i chose all those who didn't do any of it.  looking for someone who wouldn't do what my dad did, i chose men who were just like him.

survival - i didn't realize that's what i was all about all these years.  mere survival.  gathering resources in the men i knew, keeping a 'stash' that i could possibly tap in case i needed one, no matter how dysfunctional, unhealthy, mean they might be.  i always thought that one bad one was at least better than none at all, that i could 'handle it' just so long as i was rescued from being alone, on my own, trying to survive when i never believed i could.

yet, the evidence points in a different direction.  i've done a lot on my own, gotten a lot of help along the way, always found a way, but i kept that 'stash' ready.  i suspect that's why i still keep in touch w/ my hub in mex - if anything happened to my d, i wouldn't be able to afford to live here, and i know he'd let me come back.  a fail-safe against my extinction.  survival mechanism in place, no matter how much i wouldn't want to do it.  i'd have only one other option, beside living on the street. 

too terrible to contemplate.  this has rocked me back on my heels.  this is a time when i wish i had a t to talk to, help me out.  this is the reason i've been 'floaty' most all my life, floated from here to there, no plan, no goals, just whisk away on the wind wherever it took me.  it didn't matter, never mattered, cuz i didn't matter.  what a horrible realization.

i'm not at the point yet, i don't think, where i can claim my space on this earth, altho after my nap i fixed my hair and put on makeup.  i never do that unless we're going out, and we have no plans.  my chest is tight - fear, i can recognize that sign now - i am afraid.  this knowledge, maybe i was better off not knowing it.  tears coming now.  i feel so sorry for myself at this moment.  all i lived in was a mist of confusion, and now that mist has been broken in a big way, and it scares the bejeesus out of me.  i don't know why.

 :hug: I'm here for you! You are not alone it's ok to afraid! :hug:

We're here for you, honey. Maybe this realization is just the swing of the pendulum to one extreme on a spectrum, the end of denial. The beginning of walking a brighter path of self nurture, where you won't need a man to tell you you're worthy and beautiful, because you'll know you just are.

I know someone who would say, "Dang, this crapola sucks! Wrapping my earth mother spirit around you in a gigantic nurturing hug! Standing with you, sweetie."

I'm here for you too sweetie  :hug:

Sanmagic, my heart goes out to you. There is so much in your post, so much I understand so deeply. So much awareness, honesty, grief. Such profound realization. That kind of awakening can feel life shattering. It seems when we illuminate those old paradigms, when we really identify how it is, how it has been, yet we still haven't discovered what will stand in its place after the fall of those prominent, sometimes ancestral walls, it encompasses a feeling of loss, grief and desolation like no other. After all, these are the jaggedy pieces we've built our lives on, even in their falsehood their familiarity has meant survival.

You put safeguards in place to protect you. That survival mechanism kicked in and did exactly what it was supposed to. It's how we learned to live, to make it through. I feel your pain, your grief and that which you might call self-pity looks more like compassion to me, for that which you are really understanding you have lost. 

And now it does seem there is a different way ahead, it is time. You are ready to remove those blocks, to know--"The beginning of walking a brighter path of self nurture."   

I don't want to write too much in your journal, but I have been journeying much with the idea of belonging--I relate so much to what you are going through. I want to share with you recently I have begun to remember the trees. I spent hours, days up in trees. It was my only safe place as a young child. I had a meditation last week where my guide walked me down the path to the forest. She gently placed my hands on two trees, made sure my feet were planted firmly on the earth and she asked me to remember the trees, to remember talking to them, the oaks and willows. She asked me to remember listening to them, to their replies, to their stories, their heart. I felt understood and safe there, up in those trees, looking down on what was my world. My guide looked at me and said "you belong" and I felt it. In that one place, I belonged. I deserved to be there. And in that I deserve to be here, to be walking on this earth. I've cried for a week.

San, you are a beautiful being who belongs. You deserve to be here and be loved, honored and respected. You are loved, honored and respected. You deserve to walk with grace, confidence and assuredness that you are a sovereign, worthy being who loves and is loved. I wish you well dear heart.

 :hug: Sending a tender hug.

I whole heartedly love what MoonBeam said.  I'm also hoping that it speaks to you as much as it did to me  :hug:

I have no words of comfort today, San. Just know, I'm thinking of you.  :hug:

thank you all, you beautiful people.  still a little wobbly, but better today.  more later.  love you all   :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

thanks, tee, for those extra hugs of support.  i love them, i really do.  the idea that it's ok to be afraid is still quite foreign to me.  haven't had a lot of experience w/ feeling fear.  it's probably the alexithymia - i just didn't feel afraid most of the time, more like 'well, this is a new adventure - let's see where it goes and whatever happens, i'll deal with it'.  a few times i remember a note of fear creeping in for some reason, i just brushed it away.  it's never been a very big thing in my life, except that underneath everything i used to be terrified of first doing something that would cause my father to send me away from him (he was god to me) and second of losing my npd D, until i realized that i'd lost her a long time before i finally went nc w/ her.  those were 2 conscious times i felt terror inside me.

for the most part, tho, fear has not been a factor in my life (altho w/ stuff opening up now, i can more readily grasp times when i probably was afraid but ignored it),  until i got to this forum and began reconnecting the wiring in my brain.  there have been a few times now when i've been able to write here that i was afraid because something was happening, and i still don't know how people who have been afraid all their lives have managed to live with that feeling.  it's so horrible.  thanks for telling me it's ok, even tho i want to close the door on that and pretend it isn't true. 

3r, what can i say?  turning my words on me like that - i know, i know, i've done the same.  still, you know what i mean!  thank you for all your support, from the very beginning.  you have been so warm, kind, and caring, and help me feel that i'm not alone, too.  i am reminded to 'trust the magic', and that definitely applies here.  i know what you're saying is true, logically, but it's still hard to feel it.   it's almost like babies playing peek-a-boo.  when the person hides their face, the baby thinks they've disappeared.  i have that about me still, so i appreciate seeing those words again and again.  hopefully, one day, i'll be able to feel your there-ness even w/o seeing you.

db, you, too, help me to feel that i'm truly not alone, and i'm so grateful for that, and for you.  thank you for your lovely words, thoughts, and beliefs about me.  i can't tell you how much it means to me.

moonbeam, your words struck a chord, especially about the jaggedy pieces we've built our lives on.  it's so true, it's all so true.  what kinds of indomitable spirits do we possess that have kept us alive, allowed and encouraged us to still be her even when facing an enormity of unknown?  and you mentioned the trees - i have lived among the trees since i was a little girl - there was a woods a few blocks from my house growing up, i went to the nearby park nearly daily during the summer, i took advantage of nature trails where i used to live, and now i have a temperate rainforest as my backyard, and i feel at home.  i believe that if i had another life, it would have been as a member of a woodland tribe.  yes, they've always felt comfortable to me.  i love that you had such a wonderful experience among trees.  they are breathtaking, beautifully breathtaking.

thank you so much, also, for your validation of my being - sovereign - that was wondrous to read.  i think trees help me feel grounded, especially when i feel floaty.  thank you for showing me that connection with you - it feels valuable.

i'm still recovering from my experience of the other day, am still quite teary and feeling a bit weak.  the idea that all my life the underlying belief of not being accepted for who i am showed quite clearly to me, and it's true that i've never really felt like i belonged anywhere.  i was often on the fringes of groups, somehow different even when i was, in fact, a part of their group and they made it clearly known.  but, too often (back in the days) , i could feel myself separated from them, even paranoid about what they might be saying about me. 

so, i'm resting a lot, having a difficult time, still, with this new concept.  like mb said, don't know what will fill in the new, now that the old is exposed for what it is.  it rattles my brain.  i want to deny it's true, but the evidence, my behaviors, is still there.  i can logically say they were survival behaviors, but that puts forth the question, was i really that fragile all my life that i had to develop layers and layers of make-believe, pretend, stories to explain things i didn't want to believe?  i feel like i've created a fairy-tale of a life, one that i sometimes can't remember what is truth, what i made up, and what i knew but that was kept hidden from me thru lies, deceit, and denial.

so i'm in the twilight zone of not really knowing everything, knowing some things, and not wanting to know other things.  ugh!   it's not a fun place to be.  i'm feeling pretty raw right now, honestly, not sure where to go from here, which direction to face.  i know what worked before, but i don't think it'll work anymore, so i'm operating under a new paradigm, but one that i don't recognize, and have no resources to investigate it, no prep to be comfortable in it. 

thank you all again.  love and hugs all over the place.  you're wonderful!

 :grouphug: your path is always infront of you, you just have to take the next step no matter how small. We will be here to help you up if you fall.  Don't worry. You can do this! :hug:

thanks, tee, for that encouragement.  profoundly needed to know, to hear it once again.   :hug:

and sceal, just wanted to say that by you showing up, i knew your support was there, and i loved it.  thank you.  :hug:

this energy blockage journey is taking more of a toll than i thought it might.  woke up this morning very tired, took a long nap, and later snoozed in the living room.  but when i woke up my muscles were so tense and tight, they hurt.  a hot shower and a smudge helped with that, and i feel better now.

i heard my d talking about someone with a lot of anger, and suddenly she stopped herself, said she didn't want to talk to me about them anymore cuz she didn't want to paint them as bad - she used the word 'villainize'.  i told her i didn't think of them that way, that they were just messed up.

later i thought of my own feelings of hate for my ex, and realized that these come out of our pain.  if we weren't in pain, we wouldn't be thinking or talking like this.  she's not a vengeful person, not a hating person, but she is in a lot of pain, and i could see how that would color feelings and words.  and i was able to transfer that to myself, and it made sense. 

i've never hated anyone in my life, until this stuff w/ my ex, but no one has ever, ever hurt me the way he has.  not only to me personally, but thru my d's.  that pain is so intense, no wonder the feelings are equally intense.  i don't know exactly what, how, or if there's anything to do about that, so i'm just going to let it be for now.  i don't know if i've ever consciously thought of myself being in pain like that before.  dang, this getting to know my emotions is a roller coaster, thrills and chills, but not too much fun.  it's more like every turn is on the verge of being out of control, ready to spill me out of the cart with disastrous results.  that's hard to admit - it's as close to being real about this as i've felt, or at least i think so.  i'm not sure anymore.

Progress can be scary.  Sounds like progress though.  Hugs hope you have a good night and get some peaceful rest. :hug:

thank you, tee, for your support.  it is much appreciated.   :hug:  i hope it is progress - right now it's just kind of mucky.

Just sending you a warm hug  :hug:  Hope your muscles are feeling some relief - I know they were sore before. 
Hope  :)

thanks, hope, for that hug - it's loverly.  my muscles do feel better - a hot shower helped loosen them up.

i'm feeling so confused, emotional reality is coming back in some places, denial is leaving some spots, and i keep going over and over the same things i know i've gone over a million times before.  tonite i saw a show w/ a missing kid, the shrink was talking about how this kid didn't feel safe, had to one he could rely on, and it swooped me back to my childhood, and i could admit that i lived in fear all the time, fear of my father's rejection. 

i know i've said this before, probably many times, but it felt clearer, more concrete tonite.  my dad's rejection, which i know was a real fear - there may have been pre-verbal messages, i don't know, but i do know that when i got older, yes, he told me he'd send me away, so i know it was the thing i feared most growing up - his displeasure.  his physical rejection.  i feel like i have to write this once again - maybe this will be the time that 'takes', that allows me to finally let it go, let it stay in my childhood where it belongs.  i don't know anymore.

i had no fear, or so it seemed, for most of my life, altho little glimmers would show themselves, but they'd be so quickly brushed away that i didn't even count them.  part of my pretending?  my altered reality to retain my sanity?  i just don't know anymore.  it seems like this stuff is spiraling right now, and i don't know if i've been telling stories all this time or what.  maybe more later.

 :hug:

thanks, tee, for the hug.  it was a welcome sight this morning.   :hug:

woke up thinking about all this and have decided i have to let this be.  there is no way i can possibly sort thru it all, can't really tell what was real, what i made up, and i have to quit trying or i really will go insane.  i can't afford to do that - i've got to stay alive and viable for my d - i don't want to have her taking care of an incontinent old woman who's lost her marbles. 

this is very sad to me, like a death of sorts.  not knowing the reality of an entire life.  the jumble of pretends, stories, warped ways to perceive somethign so as not to go mad - the idea that covert emot. neglect can cause this is, well, i don't have the words.  someone else has written about not having the overt abuse to contend w/ and wondering if they belonged here, if it was bad enough.  i know it was.  you don't have to be phsically abused in any way, shape, or form to spend an entire life utilizing def./survival mechanisms just to get from one day to the next w/ your sanity intact.

so, i have to let my past go - it was what it was, i can't change it, i can't untangle the reality from the falsehoods anymore.  not possible, and i could drive myself insane by continuing to try.  so, i'll mourn who i was and what i did, and concentrate on moving forward.  hmmm . . . that's what i named this journal originally - it's taken me all these pages, all these words, to get to where i was.  time to start a new journal, i guess.  i can only move forward if i concentrate now on twitching out my feelings, being careful about making things up, and living for today instead of yesterday.  i don't need to go there anymore.  it's done, i'm done.   haha - we'll see if that sticks!  sounds good on paper, tho.

It does sound good on paper it would be so much easier it the past would stay out of my head.  🙂

Good luck San,. Sounds like a new step forward. :hug: