This thread is an open one in which you can about any issues you would like to that deal with over/under eating without being concerned about hijacking the thread. See also Part 1 (http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9194.0) and Part 2 (http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9362.0).
If I don't get up, I tend not to eat or drink. This evening I finally ate something. I bought myself a salad and some other less nutritious food which I can just eat without preparing. But at least I ate the salad and finally had a mug of hot water instead of tea. Hot water is actually reasonably healthy. Not drinking for a day isn't healthy. I had headache off and on all night - dehydrated body.
Sometimes it's good for me to be honest somewhere about what I'm doing to myself.
Sending lots of hugs and encouragement :hug: I hope you can get more hydrated and be kind to yourself while you work on this.
I have had similar happens today. Although I did get up and hour early to go to the polls before work (election day). I found myself too anxious and just self critical to eat much today. I got some of my favorite coffee and a blueberry muffin and could hardly touch either this morning. I tried for several hours before giving up about noon. Have since had a bit of coffee and some left over pasta while I was on break at work. Took a while to get much down but it happened. I am going to try to eat some soup before I go to group tonight. My body still just feels sick but is so unsteady from a lack of proper calories the last two days.
Thank you for being honest and open Blueberry. I am glad this space exists :hug:
I tried to look at my eating issues again today. I had a huge craving for a type of cheese I saw. My feeling is that if I had got the cheese, I would've eaten it all up at once instead of even putting it in the fridge. A bit later I got a small piece of another type of cheese and I haven't eaten that up but again it's kind of 'white-knuckled' abstinence.
When I tried to be mindful and tried to feel my emotions here, it's mostly a big blank. I tried some Screen Processing, even though that's probably not the type of topic for which this method is much good. Some emotion did come, but it's of the hysterical IC type that tends to overwhelm me to feel into.
I think I need some more help from my T on this. However first I'll be on a yoga retreat for a couple of weeks, where the meals are super healthy but also tasty. Maybe I'll manage to feel into my issues there a bit better. Or maybe not.
First time on this thread! I have been a yo-yo dieter my whole adult life and I never considered before that my eating issues might be C-PTSD related. Of course, my pop still makes it his job to monitor my weight and what I eat. He is one of those that believes he is entitled to tell me when I am gaining weight and when I need to lose. It's like he thinks I don't notice that I've gained weight and that I don't know that being too overweight can be unhealthy. :/
When I am not following a diet, I use food to fill the void that is inside me. It feels like I am not really alive until I eat food. Eating gives me something to look forward too. I never thought of myself as an emotional eater before, because when I'm really upset I tend not to eat.
When I am on a diet, I am super regimented and tend to exercise a lot. I lose weight quickly, and the thrill of seeing the weight come off replaces the joy I get when I eat delicious, unhealthy food. I get positive attention from my father and others, and that produces a kind of high too.
It seems there is never a happy medium for me. Is this a C-PTSD thing or is this just an everybody thing?
I wonder, LilyITV, whether, when people have CPTSD, everything happens with that framework. My feelings about food are different to yours and yet both seem equally CPTSD related.
My mother wanted me to be overweight because she was. She took my not being overweight as an insult to her. She convinced me that I was overweight. My stbx has always eaten to excess and I found this very difficult to cope with. I really think that he suffered from emotional neglect from his parents, no abuse, and he has turned to food for comfort. Also, therapy showed me how attachment and food are so intertwined in so many and varied forms.
I think that as we realise all of these aspects of ourselves, we can start to deal with them. But you're right, I think, it's that happy medium that is so elusive. People who haven't been traumatised are, I think, more likely to hit upon that.
All the best.
Libby.
Quote from: Libby183 on January 15, 2019, 09:01:46 AM
I think that as we realise all of these aspects of ourselves, we can start to deal with them. But you're right, I think, it's that happy medium that is so elusive. People who haven't been traumatised are, I think, more likely to hit upon that.
:yeahthat: I think it's the degree to which we struggle with over/under-eating that relates to trauma and having CPTSD. I have tried a lot of different things to get on top of overeating but without much success. I finally came to the conclusion recently that until I deal with the trauma that's driving this issue, I will not find that comfortable place where I am more in charge of my eating/not eating.
Libby183, that is horrible that your mom was jealous of you for not being overweight. You so often hear of parents being critical of their children for being overweight but not the other way around.
It really is interesting how past trauma can affect your eating habits. I notice that my dad has the same weight loss patterns I do.
Quote from: LilyITV on January 14, 2019, 09:31:23 PM
Of course, my pop still makes it his job to monitor my weight and what I eat. He is one of those that believes he is entitled to tell me when I am gaining weight and when I need to lose. It's like he thinks I don't notice that I've gained weight and that I don't know that being too overweight can be unhealthy. :/
My F was like this too! He can't be anymore because I've reduced contact to such an extent he doesn't see me ever. I know VLC or NC aren't the right solution for everybody. Just saying, similar fathers in this respect.
__________________________
I've just made a couple of forward steps in healing. On Sunday, I still felt hungry after my very late lunch, though I couldn't actually have been. And because I had to leave the house to cycle up to the farm before it went dark, I didn't have time to eat anything else. So I did EFT "I love and accept myself even though I'm craving food" and the feeling of hunger disappeared. Gone!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
When I get back home from the farm on Mondays, I almost always have food-cravings. I was actually dreading discovering I would have to give up farm work to stop this craving. This evening when I got back from the farm, I had no craving! I unpacked my bags, put farm food away, and then made myself some vegetable soup. I did make myself a kind of dessert with preserved fruit and something like cottage cheese from the farm too, but it was a totally normal portion. I ate relatively slowly and noticed what I was eating. I didn't just shovel it all down the hatch so to speak. So, no food craving and much more mindful eating :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
The non craving
could be connected to the EFT from Sunday or it could conceivably be connected to being dropped off at home rather than cycling since the latter is more effort, but I think it's more likely EFT or just my general forward movement atm. :)
Feels like a long time since I've been mindful about eating. My T set me the task of being mindful about food-shopping a good while ago, and more particularly of feeling into my emotions e.g. right outside the shop or inside the shop. I tried a few times and couldn't feel anything. So avoidance of whole issue I presume.
I had a different realisation yesterday. I'm not personally that unhappy about my weight or size. The downside is more my lack of physical condition meaning that I'm slower walking or cycling around and that it's more effort e.g. to walk uphill than when I was thinner and weighed less. Yet I'm ashamed of being overweight. This shame isn't mine. Recently I tripped over my own feet and landed hard on my face, one of my knees got a bit bashed in the process, and I'm still limping a bit. I didn't trip up because I'm fat, I tripped up because my feet are generally a bit problematic. I could be doing regular physio exercises to stabilise and strengthen my feet. But I'm not. Am I ashamed of that? Do I feel guilty about it? Of course not. It's not one of the things that was drilled into me time again in my childhood. In fact quite the opposite, looking after yourself properly was considered a bit 'wet', as if you were mollycoddling yourself.
M announced in a movie theatre in the early 80's that I wasn't yet fat, but "soon would be", a prophecy that I never forgot. I wouldn't consider putting on weight in the past 5-6 years or even 10 years as "soon", but it took me about that long to realise that I wasn't actually fat. Now I am.
Thank u for the thread..
I have had prevalent issues with binge earing since being a child and over the last years it became v bad.
I now follow a 12 step recovery programme for food addicts and have 1 year of complete abstinence. I've worked on some deep seated emotions via the step work, my sponser and others and feel in a much better place.
Here is a link for anyone who has issues with food and may like support..
https://www.foodaddicts.org/
Quote from: BeHea1thy on June 26, 2019, 12:19:46 PM
What struck me about your post was the relationship between physical instability and eating/weight issues. When I was emaciated due to undiagnosed depression, I lost all core strength. It took years to even partially regain. When I stopped psychiatric meds and gained weight, instability, weakness and imbalance still stalked me.
I was kind of interested to read this, but in my case it really is the case that my feet have always been problematic and now my lower legs and ankles are too, which throws my balance off.
Tks for the link Boats, I'm just about to go away but will look at the material when I have a moment. I'm familiar with the AA 12 step program and wasn't a fan b/c it doesn't get at the underlying trauma that leads to the addiction and places sole responsibility on the addict. Taking responsibility for our lives is not a bad thing but placing responsibility on others who hurt us is equally or more important when it comes to being abused/neglected imo.
Anyway, is this similar? How did it help you?
I got sober via AA first and then went to Fa.. I do both fellowships now.
My experience is that through working the steps and continuing to do so I have worked on the resentment towards my m and have grown in ways I hadn't before including detaching, protecting myself, not self seeking in m, being honest about how I feel and the rage. With my alcohol recovery I didn't get the above as I was still using food. Fa for me offers such good emotional development via close daily support from others.
I view my m now as an unwell women and have a degree of compassion for her and her life whilst still keeping nc. I actually feel now like I could handle seeing her and maintain strong boundaries to keep myself safe ( not a relationship though).
I don't hold my m responsible as much. She was /is mentally unwell.. I guess that come with healing..
12 step recovery doesn't give me everything and I have outside trauma support...
Glad to hear both programs helped you Boats :thumbup: We each have to choose what works for us and it sounds like you have made connections with others dealing with both issues and can now view your M as unwell. The latter was a huge step for me although getting there was a bit different than your journey. In the end it's such an important realization to arrive at no matter the path. :yes:
I've been doing very well for the past week with keeping my eating under control, not acting out by skipping meals or overeating, but today I'm wobbling and I fear that I'm going to go off on a binge. I can tell by the way that nothing tastes good but I can't stop thinking about food, and I'm absolutely dying to go out and get some ice cream. I'm even thinking that it might be prudent to just go eat some ice cream right now, instead of trying to hold it off and ending up torturing my stomach with what will end up being uncomfortable and unhealthy quantities of "healthy" foods. I don't know, though. Sometimes the binge is going to get me no matter what I do. I'm not sure what to do and suddenly I'm losing all the composure I have so painstakingly maintained since high summer started.
Sending :hug: :hug: Bach. Back when I went to 12 Steps group including an open meeting of AA (for people from other 12 step groups) I did think in terms of 24 hours and the knowledge that there was going to be a meeting on the evening of the day I wanted to eat would be enough to prevent me from bingeing. So you could try and see if it helps. Beyond the FA that Boatsetsailrose mentioned there's also OA, Overeaters Anon.
I am no longer helped by 12 Steps. Needs change during recovery.
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Sunflower78 explained stimming (physical moves done to calm oneself) to me on another thread, chewing gum is a type of stimming. I had some ideas on that that I want to write here.
It's interesting about chewing gum being a type of stimming! Maybe my over-eating is a type of stimming, at least partially? I don't chew gum, ever. I wasn't allowed as a child and somehow that taboo has stuck. I chewed (and ate) lots of other things though e.g. I sat in school sucking on, chewing and eating erasers, pencils, even pens. I don't do that anymore. I don't want to return to it or to move onto chewing gum instead, but might help me with a different approach to not eating? I can try it out, e.g. yawning or massaging my jaw or even doing some of my pre-singing exercises when I have the desire to eat. Pre-singing exercises help relax head including face and jaws. So think on that and try it out!! (I say to myself).
I'm scared that I'm going to eat some more tonight. I ate some hoarded crunchy snacks earlier. I managed to stop before I ate the whole bag, so it wasn't a disaster, but I also ate some nuts and some dark chocolate. I should be okay and not have it affect my sleep if I don't eat anything else tonight, but if I eat any more tonight it will cause me problems tomorrow even if I sleep okay.
Earlier this evening, I came back to this thread and read some of it. I experimented with what Blueberry was saying about stimming, but after a few minutes I panicked and got the snack. Which, ironically enough, probably means that it has the potential to help and that I might want to try it again at another time. For right now, writing this is calming the fear somewhat. I might be okay.
There are so many things I wish I could write about. So many things I've been thinking and learning as I put the puzzle together. It's so hard, though. I guess I'm trying to make food my substitute problem so I don't have to try to go any further into this unfamiliar territory of coping methods that might actually heal me rather than perpetuate my damage. One of the things I most want to write about is where all these maladaptive food behaviours came from, but of course, that's also going to be one of the hardest. Not now. Not now. I don't have to do that OR eat any more tonight.
Quote from: Bach on July 26, 2019, 11:45:27 PM
I ate some hoarded crunchy snacks earlier. I managed to stop before I ate the whole bag
:cheer: You stopped before eating whole bag!
Quote from: Bach on July 26, 2019, 11:45:27 PM
One of the things I most want to write about is where all these maladaptive food behaviours came from...Not now. Not now. I don't have to do that OR eat any more tonight.
Yes, exactly. :applause: :applause: on seeing at least 3 possible solutions for that moment. Trying to do too much at one go can be pretty triggering. Giving oneself a break before moving onto more explorations of why/where can be useful, necessary even.
QuoteI experimented with what Blueberry was saying about stimming, but after a few minutes I panicked and got the snack.
This is exactly the feeling I have Bach - panic (and also defiance if I'm being honest). I can eat healthy all day without much issue and then in the evening it's like a different part of me rises up/takes over. It's a trauma response I know - scared, lonely kid getting comfort the only way she knew how - sneaking treats into her bedroom at night to sooth herself.
I used to smoke and drink a lot (as an adult ;D), but quit both so it's not a question of willpower. Why can't I manage my eating then?
I started on weight watchers with my H about 6 months ago and did fairly well until it was a few weeks before we flew out for my son's convocation and I knew I would see my NPD M. The eating at night started again in spades and wham I am gaining weight back and then some. I am ashamed and frustrated and don't know what to do except go back to therapy and process the trauma that is fueling this. :Idunno:
Anyway Bach your post encouraged me to post about something I've wanted to talk about but have been avoiding so tks :hug: I hope this helps you to post about what drives your eating at some point when you're comfortable doing so. :)
Quote from: Bach on July 26, 2019, 11:45:27 PM
I experimented with what Blueberry was saying about stimming, but after a few minutes I panicked and got the snack. Which, ironically enough, probably means that it has the potential to help and that I might want to try it again at another time. For right now, writing this is calming the fear somewhat. I might be okay.
I think the bit I underlined is a few steps forward in its own right. ime healing isn't over in one big step e.g. eating problems over for ever after one realisation :no:
fwiw I'm not sure that what I am doing is stimming. Another mbr pmmed me about stimming being something autistic people do to calm themselves but it's not recognised as a method among those who work with autistic people. In fact they try to reduce use of stimming by autistic people. I'm certainly not autistic! When I move my body and stretch and so on, I'm acting on the impulses my body gives me. Sometimes I move very slowly because the impulses come slowly. I'm "drawing on the wisdom of my own body" to quote from here https://www.sensorimotorpsychotherapy.org/home/index.html and processing on some deep level while I'm about it. The book title "The Body Keeps the Score" is very apt. I'm not carrying out some repetitive movement to calm myself the way I do with my form of sh, and I'm not dissociating. In fact it's quite mindful.
I can do too much of this type of processing in one go and then I relapse, not always into eating though.
My eating is out of control. :fallingbricks:
Quote from: notalone on July 28, 2019, 01:47:59 AM
My eating is out of control. :fallingbricks:
Oh, I'm sorry you're going through that, notalone. I know how bad that feels. I'm currently fighting for control and am not quite losing but not quite winning either.
Gentle hugs :hug:
:hug: hugs to you both. Take care to yourself the best you can and give yourself Grace! It'll be ok. :grouphug:
My eating is pretty much out of control the past 24 hours. It often is when I'm doing my harder and more triggering line of professional work.
I have had a realisation or two and that is GOOD. One is: my eating disorder is getting worse. It is also no longer working as a crutch. It hasn't been for a couple of weeks or even months (?). What brought it home to me yesterday was that I picked out a number of less healthy food items and while paying for them noticed that I 'should have' bought x and y instead of z and q, but also realised if I had done that some parts of me would have missed the z and q when I got home and unpacked my shopping. I know about quantity not being enough to get me over a tough spot, but now it's type of food too.
Of course it's all only of short-term use, if at all. But when it gets to the point where it's not of any short-term use, then that's a pretty crucial sign of Time To Work on Finding Healthier Long-Term Solutions. For the moment that probably mostly involves attempting to feel before I even enter the grocery store, as my T suggested a while ago. I have tried a few times. Mostly I feel nothing, meaning I'm dissociated. T also suggested I could try and imagine what I could be feeling. That's easier because it feels less dangerous. There doesn't have to be a 'perfect answer' otherwise FOO will scorn and ridicule, or worse. Of course they're not actually around to do so, but I do know I have to break these tough things into baby steps. I've only just realised this aspect of FOO's scorn, criticism etc rn.
It would probably feel safer to attempt to feel when I'm at home (either before going food shopping or just before starting to eat or while eating) rather than outside among other people, which is undoubtedly why I dissociate at grocery store. So look Blueberry, there are all those possibilities to stop or interrupt the food binge! I don't have so many possibilities with SH because there are no tools to buy or look for. But eating - oh, yes, there are a number of steps involved before getting my fix and I could stop at any of them. I have done so in the past, sometimes. So it is possible.
Another tool I could be using is the 12 Step 'Just for 24 hours' mantra. Or even 'just one hour'. I live in a place where there is no Sunday shopping so that was my excuse to rush off yesterday evening to buy some sweet stuff before it was 'too late'. Instead of giving myself time to attempt to feel into what was going on and maybe doing some EFT instead. As I have discovered a few times in therapy, I can sit with feelings or unhealthy impulses for a little while and just observe. They evolve quite quickly or just pass. They don't get worse and worse. The fact that I'm in the 'safe space' of my T's office where T would help me deal with any boomerangs from the past is undoubtedly a helping factor but it would be beneficial to practise more and more at home till it becomes second nature.
(Most other 12 Step program components no longer work for me, so please no suggestions about that. Thanks.)
Hugs :hug: you can do it! Baby steps! :hug:
:grouphug: notalone, BB and Bach
I don't know quite what to do either BB but I agree it's so "Time To Work on Finding Healthier Long-Term Solutions."
When I was dealing with quitting smoking and drinking I felt like I was in control, with eating I don't really (and that is scary frankly). One thing I have noticed in listening to what is going on is a sense of defiance as though my teen wants what she wants, consequences be dammed. As I mentioned in my other post I started noticing it more and more as it got closer to seeing my M at my S's convocation at the end of May. I was seeing/hearing her in my mind's eye being critical and judgemental in her covert but oh so clear way. So, the same as you BB - a past of parental scorn and criticism. My teen eating what she wants feels like she is 'flipping the bird' in part. :Idunno:
Feeling what's happening is a step forward, and talking about it is another. It is how I have made progress in the past five years so onward as they say. I will say that posting about this before led to that panicked feeling (like "Oh no my secret is out. Now I'll have to give up that comfort and I'm not sure I can deal with the loss), but I'm not feeling that right now :cheer:
Yeah for progress :cheer: Kizzie
*****Trigger Warning eating disorders*****
I only recently realized my eating disorders were are related to trauma. I had talked to several others who also had anorexia then bulimia and later binge eating disorder. Now I tend to either miss meals and restrict or binge. I have over-ate most of my life.
I get triggered easily by doctors and people commenting on my weight. I feel various ways about my weight and one is acceptance. My therapist supposedly specialized in eating disorders although therapy and self-help haven't worked neither journaling et c.
I am trying to get better but don't care about my size. Other people impose their views. I try not to listen but get triggered.
Well for what it's worth and feel free to totally disregard. But I just got done with a human disease class. And one of the most interesting things I found in that class was the part on obesity, dieting and diabetes. The thing I found interesting is the five points to a healthy life style not over drinking, not smoking, exercising, eating health, and good sleep. That a person doing all of these no matter their weight have about the same life expectancy. And a person who is obese even doing one of these healthy life style choices is only slightly lower life expectancy to an average weight person not living a healthy life style. And from there the increasing healthy life style choices makes the life expectancy get closer and closer together no matter the weight.
The other thing they said is dieting doesn't work out body's have an internal thermostat that it tries to keep us within 10 to 15 pounds of. So even if we diet and lose weight as soon as we stop that's why we put the weight back on homeostasis.
So give yourself a break. Make good choices when you can. That will go a long way. :hug:
Tee,
I understand what you are saying and appreciate your sharing what you learned. The good news is I have low cholesterol, not diabetes, a healthy heart...
I do understand being overweight has many effects on the body. I also want to say that over-eating, dieting et c. are not necessarily an eating disorder but that I am diagnosed with binge eating disorder as recognized psychologically.
It Is very complex. I appreciate the encouragement. I have a lot of therapeutic work to go through.
Being overweight also carries a lot of stigma and restricts activities at times. But, again it's complex, a recognized eating disorder. I don't want to binge. I need help to recover which I am seeking.
:hug: one step at a time wanting to make a change and seeking help sounds like healthy life choices to me. Give yourself some grace when when you slip and keep trying. We are here to help support you. :grouphug:
Quote from: Rainstorm11 on August 02, 2019, 11:00:04 PM
I am trying to get better but don't care about my size.
:cheer: :applause: :hug:
Quote from: Rainstorm11 on August 02, 2019, 11:00:04 PM
I am trying to get better but don't care about my size. Other people impose their views. I try not to listen but get triggered.
It actually took me a long time to begin to not care about my size. I cared much more before I was really overweight. I'm better healed emotionally now than I was then so that's the difference in my case. I agree with what you wrote to Tee, that being overweight carries a lot of stigma. I can't write any more atm but standing with you.
Please just disregard like I said to begin with I can delete it if you want was just trying say there is scientific backing that heathy life style is more important than weight, and that's more what we can affect. :disappear:
I wish I could stop caring about my size. I wanted to say that I don't care about it as much as I used to, but I'm not sure that's true. I've accepted that whether I am bigger or smaller won't really make any difference in my life, that I am a perfectly acceptable size with regard to my physical health and visual appearance and that losing weight won't solve any of my problems. I have worked hard and with some success to establish the ability to make food choices based on meaningful factors such as whether they will provide healthy nourishment for my body or self-affirming pleasure and satisfaction for my senses rather than whether they will "make me fat", but even so, I still want to lose weight. I still get a thrill if my weight decreases, and still have a weight that I panic if I go above, and I still have some deep-seated inescapable notion that losing another X-number of pounds would somehow benefit me even though I can't for the life of me define how. I can't seem to shake any of that.
So I decided since our house hasn't sold yet I will go back to the EMDR therapist who helped me shift out of being so triggered by Trump's NPD. I'm still doing well on that front and considering how consumed I was, the EMDR seems to have been the right approach.
I have some fears and beliefs about needing to eat at night that are stuck and maybe EMDR can help shift them to where adult me has more say/control versus the teen part. :Idunno: The T is great, easy to talk to and I feel comfortable with her so it's a good fit. I'm a little apprehensive about residual anxiety like I had last time, but it did fade so I'm willing to deal with it if I end up being able to reduce the drive to overeat.
Unfortunately she can't see me until September but when I do go I'll post about how it goes here.
I wonder whether I could benefit from EMDR. I've only ever done traditional talk therapy.
You might Bach, but best check over here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=106.0 where there are discussions about EMDR so that the Eating Issues thread doesn't get derailed.
Tee,
No reason to do that at all.
Everyone,
I am sorry for our struggles. It's very hard. I have had EMDR before. I never knew it benefits eating disorders. That's great info. It took me near 30 years of my life before I felt ok in my body thin, medium or overweight. I Believed holding on to hatred of my body was fueling the disorders. So I decided to try and be ok no matter what.
Just wanted to pop in and say I'm not sure if EMDR does/will help with overeating, it's something I want to try b/c it helped me with another trauma related issue I was really struggling with. I told the T what I was interested in working on this time and she didn't say anything about it not helping so I assume she has used it before to deal with eating issues or at least thinks it could be helpful.
I was stuck in reacting to Trump's NPD and now recognize I am stuck in overeating to sooth & comfort, both due to trauma so I'm hoping it can help me to shift out of that. I'll know more once I try it and am happy to post once I get going much like I did when I was working on the whole Trump NPD reactivity issue.
I think the point for those of us with CPTSD is to get at and process the trauma driving our behaviour using whatever therapeutic/self-help approach works (i.e., use therapy to alleviate the trauma to alleviate the behaviour). In this case It's EMDR but there may be other approaches that work too :Idunno:
Quote from: Blueberry on January 12, 2019, 12:44:52 PM
I tried to look at my eating issues again today. I had a huge craving for a type of cheese I saw. My feeling is that if I had got the cheese, I would've eaten it all up at once instead of even putting it in the fridge. A bit later I got a small piece of another type of cheese and I haven't eaten that up but again it's kind of 'white-knuckled' abstinence.
When I tried to be mindful and tried to feel my emotions here, it's mostly a big blank. ...
I think I need some more help from my T on this.
Apparently I needed the healing retreat and - as usual - simply
time.
I had a fairly healthy evening meal. Not just fairly healthy, my meal was tasty. It had different textures, flavours and colours to it. I was inspired by the food on the retreat. :) Because one thing I bought turned out slightly different from expected, I even talked to some unidentified Inners about it so they could see why I had chosen this particular item in the shop. The Inners seemed to accept and understand.
When I got up to leave the table, I was hit with a craving for a flavoured and sweetened coffee I often drink after a meal. I went from thinking "Yes, why not?" to "How about tea instead?" to "What about getting my paper Journal, sitting down again and try to feel into this, as my T suggested." So I did that.
Who was craving? Why? What could function instead of the craving?
Who? drew a blank and I decided that it's not so important to know that atm.
Why? brought one partial answer: habit. But it was clear that is not the whole answer.
What could function? One of my therapy stuffed animals. In fact I got two and looked for a third one. (I used to regularly hold dialogues with my therapy stuffed animals. It was a bit as if they were/are holders of my Inner Wisdom and healthy impulses.)
So I had a separate dialogue with each and they didn't know Who and Why, but both knew what could function instead of the craving: Hold a dialogue with each of them! And one of them had the impulse to disappear under my chin, which I carried out. Thanks to lots of work on awareness with my outpatient T, I know not to attribute the suggestions of and impulses from my two stuffed animals to loneliness. Might be the first thing most people would think of, but it's not necessarily correct. I assume it's still too early for me and my healing journey to feel further into the responses or even glimpse the responses where I'm still drawing a blank. The right time will come though.
It's like Kizzie wrote above: "... the point for those of us with CPTSD is to get at and process the trauma driving our behaviour
using whatever therapeutic/self-help approach works." These are tools I haven't used for a long time. I did use those two stuffed animals briefly in the retreat. I used to use them all the time in retreats and these days they get to go too, although I don't often resonate with them anymore. But this time I did, and now with my eating disorder too. :)
Sounds like the retreat was helpful, that's awesome! Also sounds like you made a great meal, and enjoyed it. That's awesome too!
I always thought a sweet coffee after a good meal was a pretty common thing. I wouldn't have thought of any of this you went through. Its nice to hear you reconnected with your stuffed animals. Keep up the good work. Take care! :)
Thanks Jazzy :)
I didn't drink any sweet coffee at the retreat, though it was available. There too I first thought "Why not? Almost everybody else is drinking it!" But then I thought to myself that just because everybody else is, doesn't mean it's the right decision for me. Also it was one thing in the array of food and drink that I was willing to forego. I know from 2 inpatient stays years ago that fasting from a particular item or behaviour can bring up what the function of the item/behaviour is for yourself.
So it's just one item and I'm continuing with fasting from it at home. Today I put the sweetened coffee away: out of sight, out of mind. I have had cravings for it but I'm in the midst of deciding for the path of awareness, as I write this in fact. Although I don't know the function yet, I do know what I can do about it and about completely different behaviour: converse with my therapy stuffed animals. In fact I conversed with them this morning about reading before getting up or just get up and out of bed. So far leaving off the sweetened coffee has been mighty beneficial :) :cheer:
conversing with your therapy stuffed animals----super creative!
Not sure if this will get lost on this thread so please move elsewhere if it helps.
This summer I struggled with eating. I think it began with my son's exams. He had a migraine in one and from then on I struggled with breathlessness. Then I started to lose my appetite. And got some eczema. My breathing returned to normal once the exams finished, my appetite didn't and the eczema remains.
I went and saw a nurse (only appointment I could get) who sent me for blood tests as I had lost half a stone. Bloods were fine. Also got cream fro skin which helped as long as I used it.
Went on family holiday where I was eating family meals. That was a huge struggle, I worried about what my H would say about me not eating. He was struggling with daughter who has been cutting out sugary things and has now decided not to eat meat. Even though I said I was struggling he didn't seem to notice. I found it easier to eat fruit and to drink instead of have bread and 'normal' meals.
Came back from holiday and I had lost more than a stone over the whole period, I now weigh what I did before I had kids. I was a healthy weight anyway, now I am back to the low weight I was before. Back to the doctor who thought it could be hormonal, I am 47. Nope, hormones are fine.
In the meantime I turned to accupuncture, which has resolved my lack of appetite, I can now eat bread without feeling sick. Eczema and dry skin is now worse though so I have another session lined up.
I have also got an appointment with a psychodynamic therapist. That kind of therapy really improved my immune system and the mental health team here said it was recommended for childhood issues, but all they could offer me was CBT which, at the time I took, as I had had a mixed experience with the psychodynamic therapist I had before.
I need to get to the bottom of what derailed me so badly this summer. Was it just a combination of things? I think a lot of it is to do with co-dependency issues, I am effected by everyone else's moods and needs to my own detriment.
Well done if you have read so far, I didn't really know what to say, I have never had such a long term issue with food before.
G
Yeah, its hard to say. You could have been feeling the stress from your son's exams etc. Its good you can eat bread and such again now. Hopefully the other stuff clears up too, and you find what you're looking for. Take care! :)
QuoteI think a lot of it is to do with co-dependency issues, I am effected by everyone else's moods and needs to my own detriment.
Having been raised by parents with NPD I am the same - very much attuned and reactive to the moods/needs of others. And like you I see my symptoms as signalling to me I need to pay more attention to
my needs and feelings. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to get to the bottom of yours Gromit so :thumbup:
(Note: I think your post is fine here but if you'd like me to move this to a separate thread so you can explore the topic/get more responses I would be happy to do so just PM me. )
Thanks Kizzie,
I did see the T today, she thought the struggle to eat may have been from adrenalin? It certainly became a cycle and I am glad it is over. I hope things will settle further once my son gets his results. I think I have a lot of anxiety about that.
G
Well now that's interesting - adrenaline as the culprit. It's certainly a part of our hypervigilance symptom, all that revved up anxiety. Anyway, glad it's over and hope your son gets positive results back :)
There was a post a day or two ago about warm milky drinks for soothing an IC. Lightbulb for me! I'd really never made the connection before - but maybe that explains some of my drinking habits. Milky drinks are sometimes sugary too or caffeineated and as such not always super healthy for me, but I really like them! So next time I have a craving, maybe wrap myself up in a blanket with a hotwater bottle instead? Actually tonight I had one too, but I had fresh milk from the farm :) and something in the fridge that needed using up. However, I really noticed - this is lukewarm and milky and not an adult taste.