We think we are moving among the work, among the people. But there are times we are just like ghosts - maybe a vague inkling we are here, maybe a draft of air, but we don't really exists. If you could shine a special light on the shadow people, you might just see a brief shadow outline and a ball of lead. The ball of lead would drop and pop like a water balloon, and then the shadow people are gone forever. If they were ever there in the first place.
Everything is Grey to a shadow person. Nothing has a taste or a smell. The world seems like a shadow too. I never know if people can see me. Am I really here?
Yes, I have a serious problem with feeling real. This is all new to me. I was just diagnosed after believing I had worked through all my issues decades ago. One conversation with my mom in July just rocked me and brought everything barreling back in spades. Diagnosed in September, in a mental hospital on an involuntary commitment a few weeks later. Doing therapy and adjusting meds, but super overwhelmed. Don't understand triggers or EFs or feelings. Just self hate, numbness and severe depression and anxiety. Can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The very long tunnel.
Checkach, have you read anything by Pete Walker?
I have flipped through parts os his book, so at least I understand this is a symptom. Derealization, I think. I just don't know how to change it. That grounding stuff doesn't seem to help - I know I'm in the present.
Pete Walker recommends another book in his dissociation section: coping with trauma related dissociation. By Suzzette Boon & 2 others.
I have found it useful as each section has a set of practical exercises.
Your post resonated with parts of my own journey. For a while a few years back, I tricked myself (I now understand this better) into thinking I had my severely damaged emotional life under control, when it hit me that I was fooling myself, sunk to rock bottom, and have slowly been struggling back to some semblance of feeling not so hopelessly out of whack with the world. It's a slow go; but maybe that's the best way, all things considered.
Sounds cool, but in no way easy (for me anyway). I'm so tired of all of this working on oneself on the one hand, but on the other I realize that only by paying attention will I rise above it to an existence where at least I can feel real again. Hoping you can begin to turn a corner on these feelings. Please know you're not alone with this.