Out of the Storm

I ended my last journal writing about my first day at my new job. And I forgot to write something incredible important!

I had a goal, I was so terrified before I went in I nearly shat my pants (no joke)... but I did it! I followed through. I didn't listen to the anxiety monster.

But more than that I dared to voice my ideal working hours and asked for them. Which is not something that I could have done only a short while ago. And to me, this is huge.

And despite having done both, I continued to challenge myself afterwards and visit a "red-zone" store! And I walked past the "red-zone" busstop.

I did GREAT today.

Proud of you Sceal  :hug:

Thanks for the tea.  I just got a millisecond to sit and made myself some irl too

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

that's terrific, sceal!  well done!   :applause:

dang, you're amazing.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Thank you guys! Yeah, it was pretty terrific. Perhaps that if I do this enough times, I'll even start believing I can do more than I think I can. Although, I'm hoping without a week-long body-pain situation, and stupidly high anxiety.

The Bad Stuff
What didn't happen on Friday though, was my parents calling and asking me how my first day was. They knew I was anxious. And them not calling, eventhough I didn't actually want to talk to them, I wanted them to care. Them not calling made me feel unwanted, and dissapointed. It reminded me of last year when mom "forgot" about my participating in a gallery show with two art-works. The feeling was quite unpleasant, and quite hurt.
I think though, I was also especially prone to it, because Friday was a very vulnerable day.

Yesterday I felt lack of motivation for anything. I didn't really want to do anything. And a friend of mine had asked me to help out on an event coming in February, and she needed me to confirm I'll be there. And I was just filled with dread and unwillingness. Though I have said yes, so I shall go.

In a phone call with my dad, he asked me about my diagnosies. I froze up, I couldn't say PTSD. I am still too afraid if they ask me why.

The Good Stuff
Reading about self-compassion in a book by Kristin Neff (I think her name was) as well as another book on the same topic. Has really helped me take a perspective on trying to become more compassionate towards my emotions. Which made the disspointment, and hurt by the lack of my parents calling easier to carry. I spent alot of time that evening in bed to try and be kind to the emotions. I don't quite rightly know how to do it yet, know what to say to myself that is caring. And actually is caring and not just pretending.

Also my parents did call, but not until Saturday. Both of them, despite them being in the same cabin. They didn't want to call me on Friday, incase I was so worn out that I wasn't able or willing to talk. So it turns out they did care. And if I had been kinder to myself and towards them, I should have remembered that they do actually love me. They just doesn't always know how to show me.


Other Stuff
I still have alot of body-pain, stiffness in my shoulders and lower back + hips. I will attempt to will myself to drive out and walk in this local park-trail-thing. It's just a 40 min. Walk, and I've been going there 5 or 6 times since christmas already. It's sunday, so it's the day when everyone is out walking.
But I don't think sitting still all day will be a good sollution against the pain.

Well done sceal, I like the self compassion attempts, trying shows you do have some, even if it's a little, it's hard having self compassion, but it's a great healing tool.
Hope your walk helped with the body pain  :hug:

Thank you Wattlebird. The walk did help, now that I think of it.

However, I've ended up eating all the candy. Why did I buy it? Just because it was half sale? It didn't even taste good. And now all I feel is disgust by myself.

I remember when your mom forgot about your art gallery friend.

I'm there in spirit with you always though.  Even when we have outgrown this forum, you will always have a place in my heart dear friend  :hug:

Thank you Deep Blue, for remembering and for being here with me.  :hug:

The Bad Stuff
I just put on the stove, I intend to make fries. But I don't need them. I'm not hungry, I'm not thirsty. I'm supposed to have an evening meal, but fries does not constitue as an evening meal.
I am trying to be gentle with myself, but it's not really working. I'm being very hard, and strict, and accusotory. I should turn the stove off, yet I can't seem to make myself turn it off. I was lying on the sofa watching a show called "Counterpart", it's quite interessting, but then this craving came.
I had candy earlier today, and I had two portions of dinner, not needed. It didn't taste very well either.
So why, why am I doing this? And why can't I just stop?   :fallingbricks:

just curious - are there rules as to what constitutes a meal?  i remember many times having appetizers, getting full on them, and deciding that was my meal.  maybe it's different for you, sweetie?   personally, i think it may be arbitrary.

please don't be hard on yourself.  we all mess up our best intentions from time to time.  love you, sceal.   :hug:

Thank you San for asking, and making myself think twice.
I think that most days anything and everything I put in my mouth, besides candy and chips, constitutes as a meal for me. Might just be a "middle-meal", but it's still a meal.
And other days, I think there's a difference between a proper meal and crap.

I'm not sure which is healthiest. Last year, well most of 2018, until maybe around november. I most likely ate less than what I should have. I strived for not eating too much, with the exceptional splurges when I just got so angry and fed up and went "who the f* cares?!", I cared, the day afterwards. It wasn't quite on the verge of anorexia in portion size, but it wasn't healthy I've come to understand. Though I don't think this polar oposite is healthy either.
Can't I just do it right!?


The bad stuff
The day hasn't really started yet. I've been awake for 26 minutes, and I'm heading out the door any minute. My body wouldn't agree with the bed last night, and again I was in alot of pain trying to sleep. Sleeping with pain isn't particularly easy. I was so tense in my jaw and in my upper body. I tried to do a body scan, but didn't get further than my scalp. And I started with the scalp. I wasn't tired, although I'd been tired all evening.
And I woke up numerous times to go to the toilet during the night - so frustrating! And I had weird stressful dreams.
Suffice to say, I am not feeling full of energy and hope on this first full day of work. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do for 8 hours! How am I to fill it?

re-reading Lady T's letter to me. She says I should have breaks often, and try to plan what i should do in each break so that there'll be less anxiety and stress towards that area. And to be mindful and ask myself "what is happening right now (inside and outside of me) and What do I need right now?".
Ugh, I'm stressed.

Good luck sceal, stay in the moment, it's good advice, it's just the dam anxiety messing with you (I think) if you could do this anxiety free I feel sure it would be so much easier so remember you are capable and stop doubting and listening to those inner critics telling you stuff. You've shown much courage taking this step, and that is important to remember.
Cheering u on  :cheer:

 :yeahthat:

Hi Sceal,
I didn't realise you'd started your Journal - it's here - your third.  Wishing you the best with it, and sending you a hug.  :hug:
Hope  :)

don't have much tonite, but just know i'm with you. 

:hug: :hug: :hug:  and much love.

Quote from: Wattlebird on January 07, 2019, 07:05:56 AM
Good luck sceal, stay in the moment, it's good advice, it's just the dam anxiety messing with you (I think) if you could do this anxiety free I feel sure it would be so much easier so remember you are capable and stop doubting and listening to those inner critics telling you stuff. You've shown much courage taking this step, and that is important to remember.
Cheering u on  :cheer:

Thank you for reminding me of this. I needed that! I think that we could all agree that if we got rid of the unpractical and unnesseccary anxiety most things would become easier. I hope that it'll be easier as time goes by.


Yesterday was draining. I had no mental energy at from the middle of the day til I went to bed at 8 pm. During the day I didn't struggle so much with body pain, but my back doesn't like it when I lie down to rest. Isn't that funny? It's been about two weeks now, I'm going to call for a doctors appointment because I need to re-check some bloodsamples. I'll tell my doc about it when I get in, until then I'll start on prescription pills for inflammation. I usually take them for my arms and legs, and also my legs are playing up too. They aren't used to all this walking, I'm ashamed to say. But it'll be good for them and me.

When I got to work I sat alone for an hour outside the door, because I don't have keys yet and no-one else had arrived. My boss hoped that I wasn't coming in early so she came in late (she's feeling under the weather). She felt bad when she found me sitting on the floor. It was the calmest start-up of a week ever. Although I was a little confused and unsure if it was monday, or if some messeage had been sent out that I hadn't recieved.
It was nice though. I got some unwanted information that is scaring me a little about the future. But I'll try and push that aside, because I am actually looking forward to going to work today. Despite knowing I'll be exhausted again.  :cheer:

 :cheer: for you - i'm glad work is working out for you, even if it leaves you exhausted.  maybe it's just getting used to it?  at any rate, i hope it keeps up on a positive note.   also hope your body responds to the anti-inflammatory meds.   love and hugs, sweet sceal.

Roomie got a cold last week, and of course, there's very few things that is as contagious as a cold. So now I got it too. Coughing my throat and lungs sore, and a runny nose. Makes it difficult to sleep, but strangely enough I don't feel depleted of energy though. Thankfully I only had two days of work this week, and that was when I was feeling better, cold wise.

I've been eating crap all week. Monday and Tuesday I was too depleted to think or even bother to cook. Yesterday I had therapy and was out of sorts. So I'll try again today.

Work is imbued with me eventually filing for disability. It's just a matter to figure out how big % of disability. It's not the dream, but it is what is nesseccary for a few years. But that makes work tricky and complicated. I feel I need to know all the answers and have all the knowledge of what I want to do after. I don't want to go into all the details, because it's boring. But it is stressing me out and giving me anxiety attacks. Im not ready for this just yet. I need time. I need things to slow down, because I don't work as fast as society does. I talked to Lady T about this yesterday, about that and the expectations that I set of myself. I feel I need to know the answers before I go into a meeting. Because saying "I don't know" feels weak, and uninspiring. And it's hard and difficult to work with someone who just say "I don't know" all the time. And I don't want to be that person, but I am. Because I don't know.  Lady T says she suspects that I have a vision that I'm setting too low expectations of myself, but that I am infact setting too high expectations. And she recommends I try to find the middle ground. It's not easy.

Talking about Lady T. I was anxious. I hadn't thought about the fact that she's obviously changing office and that I would be in a new office this time around. I didn't like the new office. It was cold, and it was on the street level, with windows out. She did her best to make me comfortable in the new office, it isn't hers. it's borrowed from her previous boss now that she's started her new job. I managed to give her the letter in the end. We didn't have time to talk about it, because we spent most of the time talking about the topic of expectations. Which I didn't know I needed to have. But I did definitively need to have it. When I gave her the letter I was sweating profusely, my legs were twitchy and jumpy, my hands weren't still, and my stomach hurt something mean. I didn't feel much of the emotion of fear, but my body was telling me I was quite afraid. She asked me what I was afraid of. and I don't quite know, I said some of it is still afraid of not being believed. And some is that it's out there now, and I can't take it back. And some because every instinct I have is to avoid, avoid, avoid. She said she believes me. Several times she said she trusts me and she believes me. and that made me cry. I hate that weakness. I think she understood that I wasn't quite able to hear what she was saying, because she kept repeating.

Today I'm thankfully feeling more selfpity due to the cold to have space to feel and think about last night's therapy session.  It sucks it's two weeks til I see her again.

Hang in there Sceal,
I've been sick too. I'm finally starting to come out of it.  It's a lot to deal with in top of anxiety and the change in offices.

Sitting with you in this holding your hand for as long as you need me  :hug:

Thank you Deep Blue,
I'm alot worse today.

 :hug: Hoping you feel better soon. I'll be thinking of you.

Oh no! I'm sorry you are worse today.  It's probably something you have heard a million times but when you are sick or down, self care is even more important.

Sometimes I think about how easy it is to be hard on myself when others on the forum wouldn't react to me in that way.  It's a tiny way to cut myself some slack. Sending you some tea with lemon and honey.  It's my go to when I'm sick.

Thank you guys!  A friend of mine suggested I use anti-inflammatory for my runny nose, and you know what. It's definitively helped!
I'm still coughing though, and I do believe i had a slight fever the other day. Or  maybe not exactly a fever, but I think that when my body goes half a degree up than normal i get floored. But I think it was good for me, I think my body worked hard on fighting this cold. I've given it rest so it could work.
I am better again now, but I'm still coughing, and still somewhat weak - in that I can't do alot before I need to rest. It's just a tough nut of a cold. I hope it doesn't continue further down my lungs as it normally does. I am quite easily prone to bronchitis, and I'm allergic to antibiotics. So fingers crossed.

Roomie was treating me poorly yesterday. Grunting and sighing whenever I talked to him, and when I got restless and just wanted someone to talk to he said "I want to be left alone right now", and then not 5 minutes later he was on a skype-call with his online friends. Made me feel quite *. I had cleaned the floor, I had done his laundry and I had even made him pancakes. It left me quite hurt I suppose, and grumpy.  I asked him why he was treating me like this, like a neusance and his answer was "I don't know", I mean, what the...  And I even managed to stand up for myself and said I do not deserve this kind of treatment, I've been nothing but kind to him all day, and if he is grumpy or upset at something then he has no right to take it out on me. I am not at fault.  I demanded an apology, I got one - but he didn't mean it. He just said it so I would shut up.

The dishwasher has broken down, it doesn't take in water. and I'm not sure how to fix it. So I asked roomie to do the dishes. Has he done them? No. Making me quite annoyed tbh. I'm going to leave him a note to remind him to do the dishes and then I'm going to flee to my moms for most of the day. Even if that will be boring as *. Not that it's going to be less boring at home though. I am terrified of these conflicts. Even if I'm annoyed and he pushes me, it also makes me want to get as far away as I possible can and not return.  Lady T would probably say that it's good that I am getting annoyed and good that I told him I didn't deserve to be treated like so. But it doesn't feel very good.
It feels like I am making a mountain out of an anthill. It's small stuff, I know. But it still gets to me. I just had to rant. I'm still sick, and I guess that makes me more vulnerable as well. Although that is a poor excuse, because I know I would have been annoyed even if I wasn't sick.

Rant all you need  :yes:  when you are sick, all those little things just add up.  Plus the dishwasher sounds really frustrating. 

Hope he starts treating you better.  If you were my roommate and you did my laundry and made me pancakes, you better believe I wouldn't take it for granted!

Thank you dearest. He was less grumpy the next day. But that didn't really help me, because I was still grumpy. Or I think I was more on edge in case there would be more conflict so I was "already prepared" instead of having my good day ruined.

coughing less and less everyday! I went to work yesterday, and I felt so energized when I left. Though 30 min later I was floored.
I slept really poorly last night, ended up sleeping on the sofa because the bedroom is too cold. I don't fall asleep in there. I also felt alot of stress of having to fall asleep, because I got work today too, and I need to be rested. Otherwise I'm scr!%!". Might just be thoughts that are stressing me out that I don't need. It is OK if I am tired and exhausted at work. I'm setting too high expectations of myself again.
I am also worried about this week. It's stuff every single day. No sleeping in til the week-end. And roomie isn't working this week either. It's driving me crazy. I need me some alone time at home!

On the plus side, I've lost a little weight. Not alot. Probably less than it is worthy of mentioning. But it gives me hope. I am walking alot more than I have been the past 6 months which is both good and sad at the same time. But I can't change what happened the last 6 months.

Reading the news is triggering these days. They have alot of focus on SA and R* victims, incidents, sentencing and lack there of, and prevention.
It's good that it is up in the media, that there is more awareness around it than ever before. But it makes me not want to open up the newspaper anymore. Yet I feel I should know what's going on. Double edged sword. Cuts deep either way.

Hi sceal good work on the walking, I go thru the same thing, walk consistently for a while then give up for a while, especially if I'm in a funk (depressed), which is when I'm supposed to exercise.
I find alone time super important so sympathise with roomie being around all the time.
I don't watch the news at all, but usually see what's happening on fb.
Good stuff, losing weight, it's such a constant battle and so slow 
You sound like your really making progress, good for u.

Sending you love! Why wouldn't it be worth mentioning that you lost a little weight?  I think it's worth mentioning! I think anything that you put time and effort towards is worth mentioning.   Just sayin...  :yes:

Wattlebird:  I think I am mainly batteling the motivation of why I excersise. I mean I know WHY I should do it. Better health, prevent mental and physical decay, reduce weight, desire to eat more healthier as a side bonus, have more energy. BUT, I keep thinking and wanting to fit in, to belong. And it is such a big social focus in my country. Especially sports or hiking, and then as an adult you should either hike or go to the gym/yoga. It's such a huge social pressure. And more often than not I keep working out and excersising to show them I am not lazy. I can lift just as much as you can, eventhough I'm fat. And then, my inner motivation for doing it for me evaporates. There's no joy, only demands and a feeling of having no choice. And whenever I now feel like I don't have a choice I just can't do it. It reminds me too much of so many times where I didn't have a choice and that wasn't healthy. It's all in my mind, this annoying connection. So I'm working on setting goals for me, that I am okay with. Without having to do it for others, or to prove to someone that "hey, I'm not only lying on the sofa watching telly eating pizza".  But it's so hard, you know? Sounds like you know the pain of the constant battle of the mind here.

Deep Blue: Because yesterday I over ate, and I'm not sure if I actually lost any weight when it all comes to all.  :disappear:

Journal

Yesterday I almost broke down at work crying. After lunch we had a small voulentary session to do some practice of a particular sort that I tend to enjoy, but haven't had a chance to participate in since I went to school in 2014. But it took everything out of me I think. I didn't feel it at the time. But my back did. And afterwards I just wanted to cry and hide. And sleep and be unconcious. My boss found me and asked if I was okay, I said I was just exhausted. And for the rest of the day I was allowed to sit in the recliner in the lunch-room and just do nothing. I had some classical music on the ears to help me calm down and phase out of the world. I was in that chair for quite a while until I had the energy to go home.  I had texted my misery to Roomie, and he had finished all the dishes, vacuumed, and put a hot waterbottle in my bed - so I could relax and just go rest. I was so grateful I nearly burst into tears then too. I had to eat dinner first though, and then of course - being so exhausted and vulnerable I couldn't stop eating. so I just ate and ate and ate... and fell asleep.

Today when I woke up, I felt like *. Hard to breathe, no will to move. No will to do anything. I managed to drag my * to my GP appointment. She gave me meds and told me to come back when I was feeling well to do the blood tests I was supposed to take today. But due to my cough and general exhaustion she wouldn't let me do the blood tests today. Drove up to mom, was greeted at the door by two very cuddly, needy and happy dogs. A smiling mom with "I'll put on the coffee" and my sister holding out an energy drink to me. So grateful! So very grateful!  My sister dyed my hair, she was like "if I ruin it now, it's on you", I'm now both blonde and brown, like a milder version of Cruella De Ville from the disney movie.  I am very happy with it! Although, I do think I need to cut it a bit shorter, it's growing out on me now.

I'm still scared how I'll manage the next two days. But So far I've survived the 3 days of this week.

Quote from: Sceal on January 16, 2019, 03:31:16 PM
So I'm working on setting goals for me, that I am okay with. Without having to do it for others, or to prove to someone that "hey, I'm not only lying on the sofa watching telly eating pizza". 

So far I've survived the 3 days of this week.

Sounds good, Sceal, and wishing you the best with this.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope, sadly... It's not working.

The Bad Stuff [Trigger warning: It mentions me being triggered, nothing explicit]

I went to the eating disorder centre yesterday as per my appointment. I was in a great mood before going in, I didn't leave like that.
I've struggled with food for a long-long time. And I am trying to fix it, it's just that it's such a mess and I feel like I'm grasping at straws. I have to make sure I avoid articles about "healthy eating" and "this is so much you should eat", "why this is bad for you", "this is the right kind of excersise" "X went down 40kg in a year - This is how s/he did it!". And all of the other kinds of variety of "well meaning", but mostly confidence-shattering articles. They all make me feel like a total failure. I am failing at one of the most basic things that all living creatures do. Eat. Eat normal. Eat in a way that is good for my body.  I also try to avoid learning about nutrients and what is -actually- good for me. What my body actually need and which has been proven by science again and again and again. Because I get dragged into a rabbithole that I wont get out of.

I try to think of food I should eat. un-oiled salads, lean meat, varied, small meals but often. Fruit and vegetables. The whole thing. The problem just is that... I can't make it work. It feels like I have to be perfect. I have to do the perfect eating, make no mistake. And then there's this girl inside of me who screams "NO! No more force!". Don't force me to just eat one kind of food. Don't force me to eat a certain way, don't deny me all the good things. Don't make me eat things I don't like and make me watch everyone else enjoy their food - whatever it is. It triggers me, it triggers the memories of being held down, the memories of not being allowed, or having to do things a certain way. Even if that wasn't food related at all, and I know. I KNOW that others had it way, way, way worse. I know that people struggle propperly and awfully with food. It takes away their entire life. It's all they think about. In periods (like now), it is all I think about, but I can't enforce anymore what I want. What I think is right, I can't enforce eating less than I should, because the lesser and lesser I eat the better it is. And I am unable to, because at some point I just slip and I consume it all. But then when I talk to "proper" bulimic people or binge-eaters about how much they eat during a binge... I eat nothing in comparison. And I feel like such a "#%" fraud.  I feel so guilty, so shameful. I feel like I'm making it up, and all I need to do is just pull my act together. Just do it. Just don't think about how much it hurts, just do it. Don't think. Don't think, don't think....
And again I get triggered and memories flashes up, and I get nauseous, my stomach cramps. And I get so exhausted. So D"#% exhausted. And I haven't even done anything yet.

I mentioned I walked out of the eating disorder centre feeling awful. She yelled at me. Or more, she was harsh and direct. I said I don't know what to eat for breakfast. She was coming up with suggestions, but my stomach was churning. And All I could think " I can't live like that for the rest of my life", and so I said no. To which she said "If you keep saying no to every suggestion I have, then I wont be bothered to come up with suggestions anymore" in a harsh tone. I could hear her frustration, and I understand it. It is so frustrating to trying to come up with sollutions but none of them are being heard or met that you end up giving up. But all I heard was I am a bother. I'm annoying, I'm awful. I'm a failure. I know it is my PTSD being triggered. By all means, and it's been a long time since I was cornered like that. And what did I do? Nothing. I bent my head, looked away and refused to look at her again. My eyes were tearing up. And I felt ashamed because my body was betraying the emotions I was showing. And I disconnected my heart from my body even further. I was feeling sick, but I had no emotions. My legs where shaking, but I felt nothing except for a fading shame into nothingness. To save face. To not fall apart. Because... I realise now, I don't trust her.
I've always said I like people who are direct, but I think that was a lie. I like people who are honest. But you can say your honest opinions regardless if they are good or bad in a non-harsh way.

I feel like there is no middle way of either saying no, or yes. Or a fake "maybe". When I say no, I'm being difficult. But when I say yes, I feel my integrity falls apart.

I know that there's something else that's going on with me, than food. Obsessing, stressing, worrying, constantly thinking of food and trying to control it is my way of re-directing something over to something more "manageable", except... It's not manageable. I'm freaking out. I'm either eating too little, too much, or I plan on eating less and less and less. Or I'm shaming myself for being hungry. Or I eat so I get bloated all day, and I feel disgusting or I'm constantly hungry no matter what I do.  But I don't know what that "something else" is. I honestly don't know.  Life is great, I mean not great. But I'm in a good period, so why... why the "#¤& am I self-sabotaging?!

The good stuff
Work is great. It really is. I love it. I really do. It exhausts me, completely. I'm done for hours before the end of the day, but they don't mind. They let me be. My boss even told me to go sit in the recliner and do nothing until the end of my day. To recover enough so I would be able to go home. How nice isn't that?

Dear Sceal, Firstly, I am glad to hear that work is going well - that you're enjoying it, and that your boss is supportive too - that sounds really good.
I am sorry to hear how your eating disorder meeting went - but I wanted to say that you wrote about everything with such incredible insight - I think you really did - and I am feeling angry with the person running your session - that she had harshness in her voice - it isn't fair that you experienced that.  I really wanted to give you a supportive word - a hug of comfort - if that feels ok (whatever might help you at this time - I wish that for you).  I think you were brave to attend a group like that - and honestly, hearing the reply that the woman gave - it does sound very harsh, the way she said it.
I read everything you said - and I just wanted to offer you a friendly word of support - I hope you can find a way to get through this trigger.
:hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, for all your kindness and for the hug. I definitely need it today. Brings tears to my eyes reading your reply. Thank you so much

Hi sceal, I'm really happy you love your work, one thing I always remember from the bible ( if u don't mind me using b quotes) it is " to be content with your work is a blessing"  so true  :yes:
I'm sorry about your struggle with food, it's like an addiction, the problem is with most addictions they say never touch it again, as it's so hard to put something in control after it's been an addiction, I sympathise that with food this is impossible. (To cut out completely ) I've had addictions and I am quite sure It would have been very very difficult to control them with moderation.
Like hope says I think you are very insightful with what you say and your reasoning. Big hugs  :hug:  :hug:

Sweetie,
I want you to know that I read every word.  I'm sorry you are hurting friend.  When someone tells me not to think about something... or to "let it go" I do the opposite. It's too hard. It ends up consuming me.

She shouldn't have spoken to you in that tone.  I am a brat! I mean it! I am such a BRAT to my T, but she is still gentle with me.  You were triggered and that's ok.  You realize it, and that's even better. Kudos to you for writing it out honey.  Maybe you can share it with Lady T when you see her next?

I just want you to know that I'm holding your hand and think your emotions are ALL VALID. 

Wishing you some peace  :hug:

The girl at the eating disorder centre is not a therapist, I should perhaps have clarified that. She is a nurse, but she's been through her own eating disorder. It's part of the requirement to work there, that you have gone through it and know what it can feel like.

I've not had any addictions, so I don't know what that is like. Even when I was a smoker I could quit on the day if I wanted to. And I'd start up again whenever I'd be admitted to the psych.ward to just get a break from everything, not because I needed the nicotine. Science have shown that there are some genes that are activated on those who suffer from addiction, I suspect those genes aren't activated in me. There's also something in the research about passing that gene through generations, but I don't quite remember it all, it's been so long since I was reading about it. But about cutting out food, the unhealthy ones, is still triggering for me - not because I particularly like the unhealthy food, but it's more then it is denied me. And the rebellious part of me goes "Why am I not allowed the same things everyone else seems to be allowed?", it has no rhyme or reason too it. It's a childish reaction, and I suspect it's from a part of me who's been awokened in the past few years.
The food thing is complicated, because it is not just -one- thing. It's the thing I just said, but it's also my only way of self-harm. It is my way of self-protection (because... if I am super ugly and revulting, then maybe.. maybe I will never be r* again...?). It's a coping mechanism when my heart and body is sending me signals I don't know how to interpret and therefor doesn't know how to deal with...

Thank you all for thinking me insightful, but I'm not sure that is helping me these days... My friend says that now that is finally feeling good in his body he is also eating better, and he feels better and it just becomes more natural for him. And I told him, I am very happy to hear that. I avoided saying that "I wish it would work for me too, I wish it would last. But I know I go in cycles..."

I could bring this up with Lady T, I am actually seeing her this week. I'm not sure though, we last ended the session on one of my trauma. And her telling me she trusts me and she believes in me - which of course made me cry. I feel, that although I need to take this up, the food bit, that it would be me avoiding to continue the topic at hand. I just don't know what to say. Perhaps I'll just tell her that.

Someone close to me told me she bought a home today with her partner. I am happy for her, they've really needed a better place to live and a place where she can let the dog out in the garden for just 5 minutes once in a while. But I am also jealous, She knows of course, I'm jealous because she didn't have to wait so long as I have in order to get a home. I'm jealous because I long for it so da*!"# much, and have for years. But I don't see how I'll ever get one.
I'm all sad now, I suppose I should go to bed and just allow myself to be sad for a while. She's not blaming me, and she will try not to rub it in my face too much. But I will gladly help her move, and I've told her I'll paint her something for her new home. I hope she'll be happy there. She deserves some peace of mind.

Dear Sceal, You also deserve some peace of mind too - sending you a kind hug  :hug:   
Hope  :)

I feel like an utter failure. And it feels like it is all my fault.
I am so exhausted these days making appointment with friends and family isn't something I look forward to. I see it more as a must, but not something I want to. Because I am not really good company now, and people don't quite understand why I'm so tired. And I don't feel like I should have to explain. I know why I'm worn out, it should be enough for them too. Can't they just ask me instead if there's something they could do to help?  Not that I would say "yes, I could really need help with A or B", but it would be so much nicer than to be condemned for my exhaustion. After all I only work two days a week, why should I be so exhausted 2 days later or more? They don't understand. And man do I envy them. I envy them not understanding what it's like. I wish I didn't know how it's like.

And then I feel guilty, because there are people who went through so much worse than what I've been through. And I'm just complaining. I must be such a weak human being. Why can't I be stronger?

My dreams are all shattered. All of them. It's not feasable that any of them will ever come to frutition, even if I keep working towards them. They wont happen. I wonder if I will be better off if I just accept that, accept that I will never be able to own a home and call it mine, and decorate, re-paint, shut the door invite who I want when I want and close the door on those I want. A place where I can feel utterly safe.
I feel crushed. I can't stop crying.

[Trigger Warning]
I was completly unprepared for Lady T yesterday, I've been so exhausted I haven't been able to consider what to bring up in therapy, or what topics I should focus on. I felt most of the first half of the session I was just...I don't know.. I disconnected my emotions yesterday, and most of the time I think (except for now that I feel so vulnerable, shattered and sad) but my body is busy sending me signals ALL the bloody time, so I know something is up. They've taught me to notice those signs by now, the only problem is I can't actually read them. So I don't know what they mean. Lady T and I came upon the topic of "who's to blame" or who I blame for my SA and R*. I largely blame me. If only I'd gotten out sooner. If only I'd seen the patterns and avoided them all together. I should have known better. Yet I did nothing. I deserved the pain I got, so why am I crying about it now? We talked about the pattern that I've accumulated; The pattern that occurs over and over again. Where I bend over backwards to please others, to avoid conflict, to not set boundaries that are good for me, so that things doesn't get dangerous, scary or devellop into a conflict. I keep saying yes and do what is best for everyone else, regardless of my own integrity. Tbh, I don't think there's much left of it. If it even exists at all. Lady T asked me if I want it like this, if this is one of the values I'd like to live by. My no came quite quickly. I have two weeks until next session where I have to do some work, figure out what that no means, figure out what values do I want to live by, and then we can further investigate how I can start living by those values - and maybe that will help me to slowly leave the blaming-myself for everything that goes wrong  behind me.
But I'm scared of the work alone, because I'm so exhausted. I'm scared I wont be able to work on it, I'm scared I will come empty handed to Lady T in two weeks.

Hey Sweetie,
You are not truly alone.  We are here to help and support you as you sort it out.  :grouphug:

I heard you say the same things I've said to myself. I deserved the abuse. I should have gotten out sooner.  It's my fault I still suffer from what happened then.  I know that's part of the cptsd though.  You'd never say that about me. So why is it so easy for us to say that to ourselves?

Hi sceal,
I know you really don't know me and I live in a completely different country but I really have come to care about you, I see you as brave and strong, talking about and trying to resolve your cptsd, so many people are to afraid to even face up to it, I was for 30+ years but you continually try to address it, you will make progress, I truly believe in you, I know life feels crappy now, I'm so sorry you feel so low.
I'm going to send some big hugs, they are full of love and comfort, just for you my friend
:hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug: :hug:

QuoteI keep saying yes and do what is best for everyone else, regardless of my own integrity. Tbh, I don't think there's much left of it. If it even exists at all.

I believe in your integrity. It's there.

You're not alone in any of the things you feel, and you are heard when you say that you are exhausted. You are heard and valued here. I hope you find some rest today, a mini-vacation from all the work you've been doing. It's hard.

Thank you all for your thoughts and support. I'll reply you better tomorrow. Right now I need to ramble.

Went to see Lady L today. I need her and I am very grateful to her. I think it was quite apparent to everyone today I wasn't feeling quite well. I withdrew away from folks and conversation. I don't quite know what I feel, or I can't quite put words to it.
I mean I am doing well. I got a job placement that I love. I am just so tired. I am even tired of saying I am tired. Lady L said it's normal to be tired the first month of a new job. So much to process and so many new good impressions to make. And she said "if I know you right, you don't stop thinking about it, or stop planning how to be better, what to change, what new project to work on next and so on when you come home. You don't get a break, or relax because your mind keeps buzzing." Nearly made me cry when she said that. It was nice knowing that someone knows me enough to see that part.

We talked about conflict too. Why I am so afraid of it. And I don't know. I've not been a subject to PA. It shouldn't worry me so much, and I feel quite useless when I can't explain why it is that conflicts make me so scared. But they do. And I don't know what to do about it....

I think about the coming week and I want to cry. I just want to stop being so useless and exhausted. 

Dear Deep Blue,

QuoteYou'd never say that about me. So why is it so easy for us to say that to ourselves?

You're right, I would never say that about you. As for why it's so easy to say it to ourselves - I think it's because we know our innermost thougths, emotions and all the details of what happened to us and the roles we played. And then we put alot of the blame on ourselves, simply because... it's easier to deal with, not because it's true. But the truth get muddled because we're not objective.  That's atleast my current thoughts, they might change.

Wattlebird,

Quotebut I really have come to care about you, I see you as brave and strong, talking about and trying to resolve your cptsd, so many people are to afraid to even face up to it

Thank you for these words, I've carried them with me the last few days. They've meant alot to me. Thank you.

Three Roses,

QuoteI believe in your integrity. It's there.

Thank you for believing in me. I hope you're right.

I talked alot about boundaries today with my friend, and I even told my mom I'm still terrified of conflict and angry people. She told me (again) I've been like that as a child. I tried to ask her if it just suddenly happen, or gradually, or it was always. She said I'd always been like that. She could never yell to get my attention, as in if she was in the kitchen and it was dinner and wanted me to come in from the livingroom or upstairs, I would start crying and ask why she was so angry. I don't remember this, I was too young. I've never been scared of my parents or my family, so I don't know where this came from. I don't think it was some unknown trauma, I think it's just me not wanting people to hurt. And when people are angry they are hurting. Anyway, I told her today I still struggle with this, and that I feel I try to please everyone else all the time and I don't feel so good about it on the inside. It was difficult to make her hear me, but I think she did in the end. She told me I can practice on her and my sister. I told her she's scary to practice on and then we laughed about it.
She was quite loud and aggressive today, and it was hard to deal with, but she was in a good mood at the same time. So it was sort of conflicting emotions bouncing off of her, and it was tricky for me to figure that whole thing out. But we had dinner, and we sat around the table and we talked about various things. Me, my dad and mom. It was the most talkative, joking and teasing dinner we've had in years. It was quite nice. And neither of them vanished the moment the meal was over. Which was also surprising. Dad went to watch the news, but he came back - which is also very unusual. But it was nice. Even if tiresome.

I'm wondering if I should write a letter to Lady S, I'll write it in the letters not to send section. And I'll figure out it if I want to translate it back to my language and eventually send it off to her. Or if it is enough for me to just write it out.

This week I haven't been as tired as I have been in all of January. But I've been having these blinding headaches instead. Not sure I'd like to qualify that as an improvement.

I am still very much enjoying time at work. But I do think I need to be more mindful of the expectations I set to myself.
I've been eating poorly lately, I've also been on my period which gave me cravings on top of being worn out and not having much of a defence system left. I don't regret it so much, but I am worried about how I willl cope after the surgery when I can't just eat a bag of crisps or a bowl of pasta.
Money has been low lately, and that has also affected the food choices. Low money on food = not healthy food.

[TRIGGER WARNING: SA and R]
I'm back at having flashbacks. I installed tinder on my phone, without intending on swiping yes to any of them. I just got curious. And now I'm full of flashbacks. I don't know how to be intimate with anyone ever again, and this is really struggling with me. Others who have been R* and/or SA seems to be able to build relationships, have children, have sex. I just.. I can't bear the thought of it. And I don't know how to undo that bit.
I think perhaps I might be weaker than most, it was bad sure. but it wasn't as bad as many others have it. It was never voilent, it never needed to be, because I kept fawning or freezing. I just couldn't stand up for myself, I thought I had no right to. So why should I? It didn't matter what I wanted anyway.
But.. what if I had tried to stand up for myself, properly. Fight them. Maybe I would have gotten out sooner.
I try to avoid thinking in these lines, because I can't change anything. It only adds to my pain, shame and guilt.

Hi sceal
Your not weaker, you are unique, everyone is different, have different upbringings, different everything, and different struggles, I struggle with things you probably don't and are extremely phobic of things you probably aren't, like singing, a have to immediately leave a room with someone singing, this sounds rediculous even to me but I am not weaker than you just traumatised in differing ways, please don't think of yourself as weak, you are strong and brave remember  :yes:

Quoteyou just traumatised in differing ways, please don't think of yourself as weak, you are strong and brave remember  :yes:

:yeahthat:

Thank you, both of you for your kind words and for believing in me.
I'm not sure if I believe it though, I don't think I'm even close to daring to believe it.

The Good Stuff
I usually end the entry with the good stuff to make me leave it there. But right now I need something good to think about while I'm writing.
At work today my boss asked me if I was still interessted in being a guard for a few arrangements a few week-ends a year. It's a pretty boring job, and where I can sit and read my book or draw if I like. I just have to be present and answer questions if people pops by, which they probably wont. I said I was interessted, but then I realized I might get into trouble with my wellfare. It's complicated and I'm not going to explain the system. So we put it on hold so I could call the wellfare contact of mine. We had a very lengthy talk, she said it was alright for me to go forward. She also told me she had been talking with my boss whom had told her they were very thrilled to have me onboard. It was so unexpected that I started crying on the phone. I'm terrible at taking compliments. My boss wouldn't needed to say that, I didn't even know they had been talking. But it was very lovely to hear. My contact at the wellfare thing said it was good to know I'm working at a place that I am thriving so much at. And I voiced a few concerns, not about work. But about the future and feeling constricted and not having much choices other than just follow along. She heard me and she said she would try to arrange it so that I can remain at work for a year rather than 6 months, if that would help me stress down. And lets be honest, it really would. It was such an unexpected and wonderful phonecall. She kept reaffirming that I'm in a good place, and that I belong there. And I agre, I do thrive there. I love it.
I was exhausted after the phone call though. I told my boss about the phone call, I got the guard duty job. And I also said I would like to stay longer than the 6 months, and that I had voice it to the wellfare and they were ofcourse going to prolongue it. My boss' face lit up, which was pretty awesome too.

My head was out of the game at 11.00. And I just existed after that. And around 14 I asked to leave, I ended up in a longer conversation with one of the other leaders which was also quite enlightening and hopeful.

The Bad Stuff
A friend gave my phone number away to some other person. It's unlikely that this person is going to become a problem, or is in anyway connected to people I want to avoid. But my phone number is a secret one, and I want to control who has it. So I had to send her a message saying I was not comfortable with my phone number being shared without asking for my permission, that it is a secret number. And that I hope she'll understand.
I sincerly hope that she will understand.
But I am terrified now.  I sat down a boundary, I tried to do it in a kind and professional manner.But I've no idea how she'll take it. I don't want her to feel awful, I just want her to respect my wishes.  I'm crying again. My leg is jumping, and I'm dead, physically unable to move away from this chair.
I hate this so much. It's my right to choose who has my phone number, it's also my right to choose to have it a secret one or not. And I should be allowed to say "it's not okay", and I do guess it is progress because just a short while ago I wouldn't have said anything at all. Just died all on the inside.
I'm wondering if I need to get a new number now, just because of this. That's how bad my paranoia is about it.

I also have therapy tomorrow. and I was supposed to do homework and prepare. But I only remember half of what I was supposed to do, and I feel like I am missing the key point. And I can't quite remember. And I'm stressed out because of that, because I've failed. And I only see her every second week now until the summer. So little time to fix everything, and so I don't have time to waste on not remembering and not doing homework.
Due to her new job, I felt like I couldn't call her and ask what it was I was supposed to think about and delve into, since it's not an emergency.
Juck, now I feel nauseous as well. Been doing that for a few days, enough to nearly make me hurl. And acid reflux issues.
I think I might be a tiny bit stressed.

I still have the eating disorder "conflict" happening. And I don't know what to do about that either, and it keeps swirling around at the back of my head.

Such a jucky day today!
Woke up feeling gross after sleeping for nearly 10 hours. Didn't feel like being awake so turned on a burning fireplace video on youtube and put it on the tv and fell asleep on the sofa.
Felt irritable, sad, incredible exhausted all day.

Had a meeting with the psych.folks. To see if they will give me a psychriatic nurse. I didn't expect there to be two people in there, but there was. It went well. They were warm and friendly people, not sure if I made my case well enough though.

Then I sat at the library for hours, I had a book with me I'm currently reading and my sketchbooks and my notebook. I didn't touch anything. I was zombiefied in a chair waiting for the time to pass until I could take the buss to Lady T.

I felt overwhelmed and exhausted.
(I hate that I keep saying that word. that I'm tired, exhausted, worn out - because I know I've been more out of it than this.. but yet at the same time.. I don't know any other words to use)
And underprepared. I had to confess I hadn't done the homework, because I couldn't remember what it was I supposed to do. It was a bit of talking back and forth, and some wasting of time because she's getting pretty strict about me choosing what to talk about. I have to try and be more prepared.
It ended in a very tearful session.

I had no idea I felt so strongly about this conflict with the support at the eating disorder centre. I also had no idea how huge my avoidance and aversion to things can become. How much it costs me, how scary it is, how every fiber of my body and mind and heart is telling me to not get into this conflict - but as Lady T said:
Do I want to live like this, or do I want to live more in accordance with my actual values?
And my answer is the latter. I want to live more in accordance with values that I believe in and that I like. And in order to move towards that - I have to do exactly the oposite of what I've been doing most of my life. And that is to go against what has now become my instincts, gut feelings and deeply rooted habits.

I started crying when I told her it feels like I am making a mountain out of an anthill of this case with my nurse (Lady S), She stopped me and said that I'm not. This is a big thing for me, and I'm not making it bigger than it is. This is so difficult for me. She said I just have to keep trying and some days I will have to accept the fact it's too hard and then end up caving into avoidance. But I have to try now, to stop and ask questions all the time. "Am I avoiding? Is this moving towards or away from my wishes to live in alignment with my values.

So, I will have to write that letter. And afterwards I can go physically hide while the terror regins within me awaiting her reply.
It's time to be brave.

Today is a better day.

I did send that e-mail the other day. And I also got a reply the next day. I've read it, but I haven't the mindset to process it.
I've realised that I feel scared of meeting her next friday, not because she was horrible in the e-mail, but because I feel I was horrible to be sending her that email in the first place, even if she stated she is grateful I said something.
I just, I guess, I don't believe her.
It's such an unusual situation for me, I rarely ever speak up for myself, and if I do it's gone too far with people whom I do trust and whom I know would never actually do bad things to me on purpose, which ends up with me blowing up. Or I blow up because the dishes haven't been done, rather than talk about what is actually bothering me. And now I don't know what to expect, I don't know how to act, I don't know what to say. I just feel bucket load of shame. Shame, shame, shame.

I am working this week-end as a favour for a friend of mine. I'll get compensation, and I even get a hotell room and a free dinner. But it is long hours, eventhough the work itself is fairly simple - it will require me to be social from 08-20.30 tomorrow, and I'm not sure how good I will be at that.  Long hours on Monday too, but not quite as long. I'm nervous I bit over too much this time, I regret saying yes. Although the money will come a good way along to my savings for visiting my friend in November.

Today though, I spent the day like I wanted to. I worked out a tiny, tiny bit at home. Lifted some weights and it was heavy (I'm so out of shape), but it felt good. Then I phoned my dad and he picked me up and I spent a few hours at my parents place cuddling and playing with the dogs. One of the dogs wouldn't stop following me around or talking to me, or demanding cuddles. It was heartwarming. I got a lift halfway home, took the bus to town and went by the art supply shop. Bought supplies I can't afford, and went home. Made half-way healthy dinner and watched Pretty Woman while sitting on the sofa rather than infront of the PC screen. It was quite relaxing. I enjoyed it.
I should pack for tomorrow, and then be mindful and relax. I'm going to bring my anti -anxiety meds. I'm not going to be driving or drinking, so it's alright.

HI Sceal,
I hope that your day is going ok.  I know you've got a lot on today - long working hours, and I wanted you to know I was thinking of you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope for checking on me.

It's been a few days with really poor sleep, and alot of socialness and having to be professional.
But it's also been suprisingly alright. I've been doing well. Ate too much, but because it tasted good - not because I felt like * or was bored.

Didn't feel so great today. Mainly just exhaustion catching up with me. I've slept most of the day. Or laid in bed with my mind churning, not turning itself off.

Next week I finally get to know the date of my surgery.

I have to work this weekend too, even if I asked not to. But the other lady is sick and my boss really wants to go to a children's birthday party on Sunday so I said yes to work on Sunday..  how could I possibly say no? There's only me left...

I messed up a meeting today, u thought it was at 12. but turns out it was at 10. And I was at home, still in my PJs. I feel bad for not being reliable.

I have work tomorrow. Two meetings on Friday + social engagement and then work on Sunday. I know this is too much. I just don't know what to cancel...

HI Sceal,
I hope you managed to cancel something, as I know you were thinking of that.  Whatever you've done, I hope you are ok and good luck with your surgery date - as I see you're going to get to know the date hopefully next week.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, I didn't cancel anything. But one of my social engagement cancelled due to her and her family being sick with the flu.

I was feeling rather down yesterday, I wasn't very kind to myself for a while there. I was berating myself and blaming myself and all the bad things one do. I decided to write in my private journal by hand, and I realised something.
I realised that although I am more connected to my body now than I was a year ago. I am still distant from my physical sensations as well as my emotional ones.
On a daily basis I mean. I usually feel exhausted, but I don't stop to consider why I'm feeling exhausted. Instead I just complain about feeling exhausted.
I think it comes down to a sense of feeling overextended and overwhelmed. I went from very little activity (only therapy once a week) to alot in a very short time.
I'm still processing, I'm still getting used to it. I think it's like, because I thrive at work I don't allow myself to feel all the other things that comes with it. Fear, worries, stress, sensory overload, having to be smiling and friendly everyday I'm there, trying to be liked, trying to decide if I can trust the people around me, or whether I need to wait longer. And maybe other things... I don't let myself feel these things, I don't acknowledge them in my everyday life.
I'm not quite sure how to start, but like my new nurse says... When I understand what is going on, that is when I can start making a plan on how to change/improve/get to where I want.

This week is going to be a long one.
Work today and friday. Hospital tomorrow, it's in a different town, so it'll be 4 hours travel time all put together, luckily I have several appointments at the hospital this time. Not just 5 minutes like last time I had to travel the same distance, that felt like a complete waste of time and money. It costs quite a bit for me to travel this distance.  Then I have therapy this week, and I see my nurse and Lady L, which I haven't seen in 3 weeks, and I'm dog-sitting as well for some extra cash.

I'm not sure how to feel about all of this, so I've decided not to. Just put one foot infront of the other and not think.
There's two problems with this tactic I've learned.
1. I have huge problems remembering what's been going on, and have little capacity to contain new information.
2. I end up exhausted and in need of so much more sleep than I normally need, because I don't allow myself to process anything.

To be honest, I thought I was doing good. But all I am really doing is existing. Just going through the motions. I don't feel bad, I don't feel sad, I don't feel empty. But I'm also not capable right now to process anything or make up my mind about anything. And as much as it lets me get through the days much easier, and I struggle less with internal critisism and hating my art, I am less grumpy. Which are all good things...
But I don't remember.
It's been two weeks, and I have no idea what I did last therapy session. This isn't condusive to my healing process. 
A part of me is afraid that if I work to stop this behaviour and I win, then I will end up so overwhelmed by everything I wont know how to deal with it all.

It's not that I don't feel, it's more that I don't connect with the emotions. They are behind the glass wall, so to speak. I can see them, faintly swirling around, if I look that is. And I'm not looking most of the time. I registered this morning that I was angry, or was it last night? I'm uncertain.  but I didn't -feel- it.
Maybe it's like when you put your hand down into water, and after a while you can't feel the temperature? Not quite sure if that's a good anology.

Hi Sceal,
I hope that your journey has been ok, and that the appointments went ok - thinking of you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope.
It went very well. I love taking the train, I take it so seldom, and it's the perfect place to just sit and look at the world. Or sit and think, or sit and write. I did all of those things, and it was quite nice.

The appointments went fine, there was only one of them I struggled a bit with. Mainly because of the way I was met and not allowed to ask questions, and told I had to find the answers myself. I just needed some guidance.. Ah well.
Good news is surgery is in less than 3 weeks. Bad news is, I have to be on a very strict diet.

Had a very good session with Lady T yesterday. I'm not sure if I have ever been as talkative during any session before. But after visiting the hospital the other day I felt as if a fog lifted from my brain, as if I can think again. Although, of course this diet thing is making me very low on blood sugar, and it makes it harder to think - but in a whole different way. I'm not sure if I can describe it properly. I just know it's different.

The next two months is going to be brutual. But, I have my support system, and I do have my work to look forward to! And as long as I keep that in mind, I think it'll be alright. It'll be costly though, but it is what it is.

Hi sceal,
3 weeks is not far off, you will be ok, I've seen your strength, being brave in the fear just means not running away and I can see your not. Well done you always encourage me with your strength even though you don't feel that, your actions and direction show a bravery that's commendable.  :applause:

hi, sweetie,

just checking in.  it seems that you have been very busy in the last little bit.  wow!  no wonder you feel exhausted!

so, surgery is finally coming up.  we're here with you, surrounding you for strength and care.     :grouphug: 

hang tough thru this diet adventure.  we're hanging right beside you.  love and hugs, sceal

Thank you for your support Wattlebird and san.

I realised this morning, perhaps I've known it a while, but it became clearer to me this morning due to a conversation with a friend and a smiliar conversation with a different friend a few weeks ago:
Shame and fear are tactics that does NOT motivate me.

I understand that for many a little bit of fear will motivate them to avoid breaking new habits and going back to old, destructive ones. Or that if someone tells them "you did wrong" and puts shame on them, that it'll prevent them from doing similarly next time. I mean, that is afterall the purpose of shame. To protect a person socially from being excluded by others.
However, I think, that in my life - I generally have an overdose of shame and fear, and they simply only work to make me feel like *. They don't motivate me at all. I need to be inspired, supported, genuininely believed in (by that I mean that I need to truly believe that they truly believe in me), and encouraged. Inspiration doesn't need to come from a person, but the rest sort of does. I also have to do the work myself to try and keep myself encouraged as well of course. But shame and fear - no thanks. It'll have the oposite effect. It'll passify me, or they will give me the thoughts "I'm a failure anyway, why bother?"

i think that's a great realization, sceal.  i do believe the more we know about ourselves, the more we are able to help ourselves, such as letting people know what works for us and what doesn't.     :applause:

love you, sweetie.   :hug:

I was feeling utterly exhausted yesterday after work. head hurt, neck and shoulder hurt. All I needed was some time to myself and no background noise. I told my roomie as much when i was on my way home. he said he was in a call, but it'd end soon. Soon turned out to be 1.5 hour later after I got home. To which my desperation got quite high, and I told him in no uncertain tones that I live here too. When the call was over he was not pleased with my "outbreak". and wanted to talk about it, but I was close to tears in exhaustion and said no. He wasn't pleased. And later in the day he picked up the conversation again. And a littleways into it I managed to tell him "I've become better at respecting you when you say no - to having a discussing, I would like you to respect me too when I say no". To which he only nodded and he left me alone.
It felt at first sad and I was full of shame. "who the * am I to demand such things?!" and so on, but soon relief settled over me. I had said no, and asked for it to be heard, and it was heard. It was nice.

 :cheer: and  :applause: to you, sweetie.  very brave of you, and, dang, you got the results you needed.  i thought what you said to your roomie was spot on.  well done.

love you   :hug: :hug: :hug:

Good work
No need for shame, but I understand the feeling of shame over the enforcing of boundaries.
:hug:

I lost the address for this webpage, and I wasn't sure if since it wasn't so readily at hand if I'd try and search for it and just simply fade away. But then, I realised I am not done yet. I'm not ready to stand on my own without the support here.

Surgery is on Monday. Last week I thought I was finally done being scared, and that was until earlier this week I realised I'd forgotten about an obstacle. I haven't quite known what to do about it, so I've avoided it to such a degree I forgot. And a little too late I now can talk this through with Lady T beforehand.

The thing is, the hospital I'm getting my surgery at is a small hospital. And there is a man who works there who used to be a friend of mine, he is (I believe still) apart of the group that re-traumatized me. He was nota part of the re-traumatization. He doesn't know what happened, I never told him. He only knows I left, I don't want to ever see them again or talk about them. And he knows I don't want them to know where I am and how I am doing. He is a man whom I felt was very nice and cool, but I couldn't make up my mind when I changed my phone number if I was going to give it to him or not. And so I let it lie until I'd decide. I still haven't decided. Because he lives in a different town than me, the hospital isn't local. So I usually have no need to be anywhere near his work or home - so I didn't need to decide on anything.
But now... I might see him. And I'm scared. I'm scared because I suspect I know how I will react if he comes visiting or sees me in the hallway. I will be friendly and welcoming. I would invite him to come visit me as long as I am there, and I'll want to know what he's been up to and how he is doing. And it will be genuine. But I will also not be able to set boundaries. If he asks questions I will answer. If he asks for my new phone number - I will give it to him.
And I know I should make up my mind of how I feel about keeping in-touch with him before monday - so I can adjust my PTSD responces. But... I honestly don't know how I feel about it!

On the one hand, he was very supportive of me. And he and I had a good connection. It was nice talking to him about random stuff.
On the other hand, I don't trust my judgement of who I was back then. What if he isn't the good guy I thought he was? How can I know that now?
Lady T would say "you can't control everything" and when I voice my paranoid concerns that they might be keeping an eye out still, or that I don't want him to let them know where I've been and how I was doing she'd say "They might already have seen you in town, on the bus, in the store without you having seen them" (Way to make my paranoia go up! :P ) Her point would be that I can't know.

But it's not the best time to try and experiment with this... I'll be in a very vulnerable position, I'll be drugged down. I'm going through a major surgery and that is what I should put all my energies towards - not testing my newfound skills at setting boundaries.
I am so confused.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what it is that I, the me who's not filled with cPTSD and MPD, want.

sweet sceal, sounds like quite the quandary you're in.  i don't think it's a bad thing to think about how you'd want to respond to him beforehand, especially cuz, like you say, you're going to be in a compromised state of mind.

a thought that occurred to me, that i've used myself in situations where i'm unsure of what i want to do when being asked questions i'm not comfortable with is answering with nondescript generic (not lies, but no details) answers.  i'm thinking, if he asks why you left, something like 'i didn't feel comfortable there anymore', and see if he accepts that.  if he asks why, the answer might be 'i'm not comfortable talking about it right now'.

his responses to those statements would give you more information about him and what kind of person he is.  if he pushes you for more details, that would be a red flag for me, and i would not give him my phone number.  if he accepts your discomfort and allows it, i think i'd be more comfortable with him.  then, giving him your phone number would be a matter of simple choice.  if you want to stay in touch with him you might give it to him if he asks.  if he's not important to your life anymore, it may not be important for the 2 of you to keep up a correspondence.

as you said, you're different now than you were then, so your responses and determination of him as a person, what vibes you pick up from him, etc., are going to be different.  you do not have to feel pressured into anything you don't want to do, whether it's details or phone numbers or having him in your life in any way. 

sweetie, i'm so very glad for you that your surgery is almost here.  sending angels to watch over you - you're going to be fine.  i can feel that.  love you.   :grouphug:

Other possible responses: "I don't know. Let me think about that." "Thanks for visiting. I need to rest now."
Hoping for peace and successful surgery.

Hi Sceal,
I hope that you're ok and that your surgery has gone well - and I hope that you're resting and recuperating well.  Sending you a very very gentle hug  :hug: and regarding your concerns about that guy you mentioned - even if you ended up giving him your phone number, you could always change your phone number if you needed to protect yourself. 
Wishing you the very best for a successful surgery and I hope you have some rest and recuperation.   
Take care,
Hope  :)

Hey Sceal,
Miss you. Just wanted to say hi... hope you are well  :hug:

Dear Sceal,
Thinking of you, and hoping you're doing ok.  Hope you are recuperating after your operation.  Take care.
:hug:
Hope  :)

I thought of you today too Sceal! I hope you're recovering well  :hug:

I'm sorry I dissapeared for so long. I thought I was doing better, I didn't want to dig myself further down by complaining all the time.
But about a month or so after the surgery (which went very well btw) I fell into a depression again. I stayed away incase it'd make me get worse coming back here. Then I foolishly thought I had it beat for a week. But I was being stupid. I might not even be back-back. I just need to not be so alone tonight.

Occationally, you know, I forget that my PTSD is real. It sounds stupid, but I get so scared that it's just me being lazy. That I'm being cowardly. That I'm just using my mental energies all wrong, wasting time. And I feel so alone, misunderstood and unheard when I try to tell my friends about my worries. They give me well-meaning advice. But, I'm not looking for advice. I know it's the thing people try to do when someone's struggling. Either come with a solution to the problem. or to say things like "it will get better with time." No  #¤&! it doesn't get better with time. I've had time. I've worked hard at lengthy times, and it's not getting any better. And then they say * like "you've improved so much". No, I haven't. Not so much.
It bothers me, because it feels as if they are just saying those things to try and cheer me up in the moment, and that they think that is enough.
What I need is not something that I can get. I need two things. I need money, so I buy my own place and have my actual own place to call a home.
And I need a person who is willing to stand by me for a while, a long while. Until I can get back up on my feet, properly. But that is too much to ask of someone, because I don't know how long that will take. And it will be so draining on them. I will be such an emotional leech. I would be forever loyal to that person however, and I would do anything once I'd be capable. (if I am ever capable).

I know I have people in my life whom I owe my life to, so many of them. Who have kept me alive, even if they don't know it. And I feel so awful for not being better. For not doing better, for all the work they put in me for doing better.

I detest myself so much. And I think some of that old, hidden anger that is buried so deep that I normally can't sense it or touch it is starting to seep through.
There's all these emotions, and I don't know how to deal with them. And I don't know how to process them, and it hurts SO much. and I feel SO alone.

I wish people understood how much certain things hurt. And how scary other things are, and how difficult they are for me. I try to put on the brave face, but I'm really not all that brave. I'm scared. And if my worst worries come to pass, then I will have to quit my "job". And then what.. All that I've worked for this past year will come to nothing. How am I supposed to explain that to them? To work, to all the people I've invited for my exhibition that there will be none of. To my family. The only ones I can explain it to would be myself, Lady T and my GP. Maybe Mr. T. (Lady L has been exchanged with Mr.T for now.  They are both people at the SA support centre). But I can't talk to them all the time. Quite seldom infact. And now summer comes along and there'll be a 6-7 weeks without contact with most of them.
I hate that I still rely on them so much. I hate it.

Feel your pain! Your not alone! :grouphug:

my sweet sceal,

so glad to hear from you.  i've missed you a lot!  i'm glad the surgery went well - that's so great.

i don't think it's uncommon for us to 'crash' and feel all this negativity after feeling like we've kind of got it all together.  i've done that several times in the past few years, have felt a lot of the same feelings, thoughts, and emotions you're expressing.  i'm so glad you came here and let it out.  that, my dear, is a sign of bravery, whether it feels like it or not.

may i echo tee in saying you're not alone -  :grouphug:.  you are loved for the wonderful being you are, no matter if you're at a high point or a low point or any point in between.   one step at a time, my dear.  this was a step, and it counts.  sending love and a hug full of care and compassion as you muster through this part of your recovery.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

Sending care and compassion.  :hug:

 :hug:

I'm so very glad to hear your surgery went well Sceal, but sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. We all know how hard it is to to be dealing with so much pain so I hope you will post more as we can listen and support you at least. It's not complaining, it's sharing with caring others who understand what you're going through so that on some level you don't feel quite so alone  :grouphug: 

QuoteIt's not complaining, it's sharing with caring others who understand what you're going through so that on some level you don't feel quite so alone  :grouphug:

:yes: :yes: :yes:

Oh Sceal!
I've missed you so much. I thought of you often while you were away.

I'm glad the surgery went well. I hope that a person to take care of you presents themselves.

Wow 6-7 weeks without contact sounds daunting to me.  I don't blame ya for feeling nervous about it.  Hmmmm Mr. T huh? That's a character in the states. Ever heard of him? It may be worth a laugh if you get a chance to look.

Anyway I don't Want to ramble.  I just wanted to say that I missed you and am glad to hear from you  :hug:

Woah.. I didn't expect so many to reply to me after just vanishing in thin air for so long.
Thank you all for your continued heartfelt support.  :hug: (for any who wants one). Thank you all! I have been thinking of you all from time to time, wondering how you've been and hoping you're doing okay all things considered.

Quote from: Three Roses on June 23, 2019, 12:03:11 AM
:hug:

Thank you Three Roses, I really needed to hear that I'm not just complaining. That it's okay to share the * stuff too.

Deep Blue: No, I haven't heard of the character of Mr. T from the states. Is he a cartoon? Or a comedian?

Monday today: So two new people were supposed to start today. But no! SURPRISE! it's 3 new people instead! Not being informed of these things really is a problem for me. Logically I know it shouldn't be a problem. I meet strangers on the street and on the bus all the time, and most of the time it's never a problem. But Mr. T helped me see it today that it's the child in me who gets scared, gets uncertain. Doesn't know how to relate to new people. It becomes unpredictable and filled with alot of "what ifs". What if I can't trust, what if something happens, what if it is THAT person, what if they hate me, what if what if what if... I had to take a step back and breathe and realise that the new people are probably more scared of starting than I am of them. My colleagues were very good at recieving them all. I greeted one of them because I was sitting in the lunchroom with the only other staff around in the morning (most of the people doesn't show up until around 10-11ish) when the first new person arrived. It'd just be incredible rude not to say hello. She was harmless, and it went fine. But I had little to no concentration the rest of the day. The staff lady was teaching me something today - but instead of paying attention I just did what she told me - and I learned nothing. I told her so, she said it was okay not to worry about it.  The other two I tactfully just simply avoided. Which is probably just increasing my unease and delaying the inevitable.

I left early today because I had an appointment with mr. T. It's always very helpful talking to him. He brings in so many different perspectives and asks really hard, pointed questions. Not to make me feel uncomfortable, to challenge my thinking and see if it's something I can change.
I voiced my frustration about the sentence "It'll take time", or the variations of it. I feel it's so f* stupid to tell someone that it'll take time when they are struggling. As if we don't already know that! As if this is a brand new thing that's happening. It just feels like the person on the other end isn't listening, doesn't care. And it hurts. If they aren't in the mood to listen - that's fine. but just tell me that instead.

I'm so tired today. I just finished cooking dinner.. but I'm not sure I have the strength to actually eat it.

hey, sceal,

nice to have you back. 

that phrase 'it'll take time' is actually one i tell myself.  it's because i'm often impatient w/ my recovery, want it to go faster, want myself to be better sooner, so it's a way of telling me that it's ok to slow down, allow the process to unfold, that if i give it time, everything will unfold like it's supposed to.  i'm not trying to deny your experience w/ that phrase, just letting you know that it's been important, at times, for me to hear it and heed it.  sometimes i get in my own way.

it kind of sounds to me like you're beginning a new chapter now.  i give you a lot of credit - before surgery, after surgery.  the whole idea of surgery, what went before, what led up to it, everything surrounding it took up a lot of your time and energy.  that's out of the way now, and, altho there may be maintenance or rehab because of it, it doesn't proclaim quite the same space in your life now.  progress!

love and hugs to you, sweetie. 

I hear ya Sceal!
I have often found myself wishing that life was like Harry Potter. I wish I could just use a magic wand and that my trauma never happened, or even that I didn't remember them.

One of my friends was assaulted but she was knocked out during the attack.  I felt a pang of both jealousy and then guilt for feeling that jealousy. She said she is grateful she doesn't remember it. 

Anyway just letting you know I feel similar quite a lot  :hug:

To San;
Your perception of "it takes time" sounds far more kinder and open minded than mine. But I am not quite there where I am capable of seeing that sentence in another light. Hopefully when I have grown some more.

Deep;
That is a question I have asked myself often over the years. And I dont really have an answer, mainly because... If I removed everything that happened... Then who would I be then?

I have my last session with Lady T before the holidays today. I feel alot of things I notice, but I don't actually know what these things are. And that's adding secondary emotions on top. Frustration for not being able to understand the signals within me. No one else can tell me what I am actually feeling.
I am trying to think the kind of questions Lady T or Mr. T would ask me.. but im drawing at a blank.
Its unpleasant that's all I know. And I don't even know why I am feeling this way.. maybe then I would have some kind of clues as to what it is I am feeling...

The previous session I told Lady T that the depression had lifted. She had asked me alot about why I thought that was, and I had given her answers. The thing is though, it hadn't lifted. I just had a few days of relief. So I had to tell her today that I took it back, the depression wasn't gone. It was still going on. It's not a deep down in the gutters depression. I'm not suicidal and neither am I doing any SH, at least not conciously that I am aware of.  We talked alot about what depression is, that it's a sickness. I told her I'm worried I'm just lazy, that I just aren't putting in the effort and hiding it away in a "depression". She asked me if I felt lazy whenever I'm not depressed. I told her it's not really something I think about when I'm feeling alright. She said she think it is a thought that often comes when one is sick. Even she gets that feeling when she gets sick, even if it is just a really horrible cold - she can feel that she is super lazy for not going to work despite everyone telling her to be at home and that she's not able to actually get up and do stuff. She still feels lazy, and when she's sick that becomes The Truth. The existence of when she's healthy and productive and active doesn't exist for her in that moment. She was using it as an example to try and convince me that maybe I'm not actually lazy - but that the thought comes as a result of the sickness. It's a doubt that's feeding it, and making me feel worse and pulling me down. I wanted to tell her that she shouldn't say such things about herself, she's hardly lazy! But I realized, that wasn't her point - so there was no need for me to actually comment on that. It would be changing the topic over to her, and that's not what I am there for.

She also confirmed that right now I am not in control of my own finances (in the sense that I don't have an impact on or or have a chance of increasing it) and that I am not in a position where I can move out of my housing. And that it's not a process that I can influence right now, or when there will be changes made - a process that I can influence at all. Which both hurt, but also - it would have annoyed me if she had sugar-coated it and said "it'll be alright in the end, just be patient". It made me cry when she told me I still have to wait. It feels awful not being able to be in control or have any way of influencing these kinds of big situations in your life as an adult. Even more now than when I was a child, because I understood as a child and teenager I would have to wait until I became an adult. But I am an adult now, and still... I have to wait.

I don't want to complain. Because I am fortunate, the rent is low. And I get to live with someone who cares about me. Someone predictable, and someone kind. The fact that we can still share this one-bedroom place helps me alot financially - gives me the little extra each month so I can save up and visit my friends abroad. Or to be able to purchase my art-supplies for work. I am also fortunate that I live in the country that I do, and have the health-care oportunities that I do. But I long for a place of my own. A place where I can control when and if I want to be social. When and if I want to get out of bed or if I want to dance around on the floor like a fool. If I need utter silence, or if I need music to drown out my thoughts. Which I can keep clean, if not tidy. A place that I feel at home. I've longed for a place to feel at home since I was 14-15 years old, a place where I feel safe to be me. All of whom I am. The good, the bad and the ugly without judgement. Without feeling observed, watched. Or without having to report in, or having to say "good morning"

Hi Sceal,
It's good to see you back  :hug: even if things aren't perfect.

I tend to tell myself I'm lazy when I'm stuck in the middle of a depression too. In my case, I think it's an EF. I was berated for being lazy, not 'pulling my weight' etc when I was severely depressed as a child. And/or it's the Inner Critic.

Quote from: Sceal on June 24, 2019, 04:33:50 PM
Monday today: So two new people were supposed to start today. But no! SURPRISE! it's 3 new people instead! Not being informed of these things really is a problem for me. Logically I know it shouldn't be a problem. I meet strangers on the street and on the bus all the time, and most of the time it's never a problem. But Mr. T helped me see it today that it's the child in me who gets scared, gets uncertain. Doesn't know how to relate to new people. It becomes unpredictable and filled with alot of "what ifs". What if I can't trust, what if something happens, what if it is THAT person, what if they hate me, what if what if what if...

New people are hard for me too, especially if it is unexpected. I just had that situation this week. It turned out okay, but I felt the stress of it and I think I went through the day partly dissociated, then spent a couple hours curled up in a ball.

hey, sweetie,

i, too, know that self-berating about being lazy when i'm sick or too stressed.  i was raised in a part of the country where the work ethic was a high priority.  it became ingrained, part of the culture, that you work hard, go the extra mile always, when it came to being productive.  my mother used to show off the calluses on her hands as if they were badges of honor.  i get what you're saying.  unfortunately, that drive to be doing something constructive, not to be a 'wuss' just cuz i was sick was ultimately my downfall.

when i got sick enough that i actually couldn't work anymore, i had to change how i thought about all that.  it came to the point, however, when i got comfortable being sick, afraid to be well because of the expectations that i perceived would be put on me to get up and work at things again.  believe me, it was a difficult time trying to rearrange my way of thinking so that i could allow myself time to heal and become more well, and know that time for recovery was also a time of work, just in a different way.  plus, the idea that i could say 'no', go at my own pace, and leave the expectations behind was a job all its own.  whew!

i totally feel for your frustration w/ not having control over some major stuff in your life.  i get it.  that idea of not having to say 'good morning' - yeah, i hear you!  i have to smile cuz i've felt that way many, many times in my life.    thank you for sharing all this.  it helps me, even now, to remember that my pace is important for me, and i'm not alone in some of my thoughts.  love and hugs, sceal.

Quote from: notalone on June 27, 2019, 04:19:53 AM
New people are hard for me too, especially if it is unexpected. I just had that situation this week. It turned out okay, but I felt the stress of it and I think I went through the day partly dissociated, then spent a couple hours curled up in a ball.

It went okay for me too, but I'm still anxious around them. I try to be friendly and welcoming, but I go more quiet during lunch these days and often hide behind my phone or leave early.  I more or less fell asleep at work today because it exhausts me so much.

 :hug:

Tee:  :hug:

San: Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, and your similar experiences. I know I am not alone in feeling this way, but I'm not quite sure it helps me.

A friend of mine told me he is frustrated on behalf of me, due to my living situation.
Each time I complain about it, I feel so intensely guilty. Because my ex isn't a bad person, it's not about him at all tbh. I just want to move on, I want to be able to breathe at home.  I've longed for a place of my own, one I can build into a home-home since I was a teenager. Strangely enough now, the place I feel the most at home is the area surrounding my childhood home. I love the nature there so much, it almost hurts visiting knowing I'm only there for brief visits.


*Trigger warning?*
.

There's an online friend of mine, I've known him since 2014/2015 sometime. And I know he's been crushing on me on and off. But I've never been remotely attracted to him in any kinds or forms. And quite frankly it's uncomfortable for me when he starts flirting. I've tried to end the conversations when he starts, deflect, change subject. Last week-end he got a little sexualized.  I told him I'm an asexual and not even remotely interessted in where this was going. He asked if that was a recent devellopment. It's not. I said it took me a while to figure it out, and then to get comfortable with the thought. But no, it's not a new thought. I didn't tell him that I'm most likely asexual due to my past, but it doesn't matter. He kept asking and prodding and wondering, and pushing the subject. Asking if I felt like I was beginner at sex and relationships. Tbh, I find that a really rude question. Just because I'm not into sleeping with him or even entertaining the fantasy of such that doesn't automatically mean I'm a beginner. (I'm getting worked up again over this, by writing about it).  It was an hour long conversation where I had to keep telling him I'm not interessted. I even said those exact words. It doesn't interesst me. I don't care about sex.
I think I'm still feeling upset and insulted over it. he has this idealized image of me, of someone who he thinks I am. And I'm not whoever he thinks I am. He's always made assumptions. And it makes me feel off. I'm not this person.
The good thing of this is though, I stood my ground. I kept repeating I'm not interessted. I didn't fake some interest, I didn't deflect, I didn't just not answer. I even told him in the end that this is the last I want to talk about this topic, because it's starting to bother me and I'm just NOT INTERESSTED!
I get that it's weird, or unusual. But I don't care. I shouldn't have to defend my sexuality, or lack there of to a guy on the internet - or to anymore.
Now that I think of it, I don't think I'm going to engage in this friendship any further. I'm not going to reach out.

*Trigger warning End*

I fell asleep at work today. My boss caught me, but she didn't say anything until I said I was leaving work early. I wonder why she didnt' wake me up.
But I felt so drained. Came home and lay down on the sofa and listened to the silence. Then after dinner I went out and played a little of the new harry potter mobile game.

I feel somewhat sad and down. I'm not sure if there's any good reason for it, other than the fact I'm not thriving at home.

Tomorrow I have gynecological exam. I'm scared shitless. Last time, 3 years ago, she had to send me to the gyno. rather than doing it herself (my GP that is).  And the gyno had to re-do the test a second time too. 3 times and all tests came back unreadable. I dread the humilliation, I dread the flashbacks, I dread the pain. I'm going to use some anti-anxiety pills tomorrow. Hopefully it'll calm me down enough. Maybe I'll double the dosage. Better to get it over and done with.

Hugs sceal you don't have to justify yourself to anyone that's just messed up.  But good for you for standing up for yourself.

Yeah I just refuse to have those exams right now.  I know I should but they are too triggering and I don't have a family history so I opt out. My doctor isn't happy about it but it's my body and my mental state.  That's one thing that I can control and say more in good. :spooked: good luck tomorrow I hope it goes well and is readable quick and easy.

Today I have no hope that the future will be any better at all.

The light will shine again my friend. I hope something brings a smile to your face today no matter how small.  I'm sorry your struggling. You are valued and loved! :hug:

Could you be in an EF, Sceal? When I feel like that, I'm definitely in an EF. Whether you are or not, I'm sure this feeling will pass. They always do eventually to my knowledge.  :hug: :hug:

I wish I could give you encouraging words, but I'm somewhat in the same place. If you were with me, I'd share my weighted blanket with you and we'd sit with it across our laps and eat icecream bars (I just ate two) to our hearts' content. We'd hold on together. Hold on, Sceal.  :hug:

hang tough, sweetie - you're not alone.  we're here with you, doing all we can to let you know how valuable you are, how much progress you've already made, and how much strength you've shown.   this, too, shall pass, right?   :grouphug: and much love.

Dear Sceal,
I want to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Sceal,

Wondering how you are doing?

You're important to us, we care about you.  :hug:

Hey Sceal,
Just checking in on you too  :hug:

Hope you are doing better Scealy! :hug:

So sorry guys, I vanished briefly again. I got so exhausted and didn't have any energy to reply. And then I went on a roadtrip by myself to the other side of the country that was both uplifting and terribly sad. I'll write more about that further down. I just want to reply to you first:

Thank you Tee, it means alot to hear and read your kind words.

The weighted blanket sounds wonderful, notalone. Thank you for sharing it with me. How are you doing these days? I hope you've found some glimmer of hope.

ThreeRoses, thank you.  :hug: You're important in my life as well. <3

San: I hope it will pass, and that it's not one of those "get worse before it gets better"

Blue:
I think it might be an EF, not the hoplessness. But the rest. I think I am wading in and out of them several times a day. It's exhausting!
---

My Lady T was supposed to phone me today, but she didn't. But man do I need that call. I have to call the centre tomorrow and make them leave her a message saying I waited all day yesterday for her call, and although it's correct I also feel it's passive agressive. Maybe she was sick, or maybe there was a confusion, or maybe there was a crisis and she forgot.

My roadtrip was good, I was relieved when I left. I didn't want to meet my friend the next day - but since I was only going to be over there for a few days and he works shifts I felt bad about cancelling/postponing. I am glad I didn't, because we had a blast. I was so excited, I felt like a child. Care-free, curious and explorative. I even tried walking on stilts! But the moment I'd driven him home and I was left on my own again the raging thoughts, depression, stress and worries hit me. I'd only been gone a day and all I could think about was how much I didn't want to go back home. And how much I hate that I can't earn money so I can improve my own life-situation.
Trying to explain to people why I can't work is so hard, because they don't understand. Maybe I haven't found the right way of explaining without sharing too much information. But it always leaves me feeling like I'm lazy.

I'm so stressed out about economy. About not feeling like I belong anywhere. About not being able to work and be a productive member of society so I too can complain about too high taxes, road tolls and long boring days at work. And not having to listen to "But you don't work, why do you wake up at 6?"
Because - nightmares, that's why. They don't understand, but at the same time... I don't understand their life either. It seems so.. "easy" (it's not the right word, but best I can think of right now).

I hate the rollercoaster.

I feel ya sceal!
I don't like emotional or real rollercoasters! Ha ha

Nightmares are awful! I had one last night that made me wake up soaked. I hate those.  Luckily I was able to get back to sleep this time.

Maybe it's ok that others don't get it? How could they get it? They have not walked your path... they have not known many of the struggles you have had.

I read a quote from Kristen Butler that said:
The strongest people I've met have not been given an easier life.  They've learned to create strength and happiness in dark places. 

Love ya!  :hug:

Sceal,

I'm glad that you had a little break from the intense emotions and had so much fun with your friend.

Quote from: Sceal on July 09, 2019, 07:21:54 PM
My Lady T was supposed to phone me today, but she didn't. But man do I need that call. I have to call the centre tomorrow and make them leave her a message saying I waited all day yesterday for her call, and although it's correct I also feel it's passive agressive. Maybe she was sick, or maybe there was a confusion, or maybe there was a crisis and she forgot.

Last week when I was having a very hard time, I emailed my therapist. It was several days before he got back to me. I did the same thing as you; "maybe. .  .maybe. . ." When you are in so much emotional pain and distress, it is really hard when you are waiting for that life-line and it (he/she) doesn't show up or is delayed.

Thank you for asking how I am doing. I am better than last week. Still have a knot of anxiety in my stomach. I'm really focusing on using the tools my T has given me. It really stinks that just breathing is so hard!

I hate rollercoasters too; internal and literal.   :hug:

Sceal I'm glad your trip went well over all. I'm sorry that you struggled when you dropped your friend off though. :hug:

It's hard to explain emotional and mental things to people who have never been through difficult times.  They go you mean like ABC and your like NO I mean$%#$& it a different language that can't understand singing with no frame of reference.  There's a children's book about explaining an with to five blind men.  I don't remember the name but each blind man touched a different part of the elephant and described it as a wall or a tree or a snake... I don't remember the whole thing.  The point is like deep blue said without waking your path none can fully understand where you are or what are dealing with.  And people with trauma don't even speak the same language.

I've been lucky enough to find a mundane mindless job that I can do to support my kids through dealing with my cptsd.  But it's exhausting and I'm for sure not taking care of myself the way I should.  But right now I have to feed my kids. They are the most important even more than me.  I hope some of that makes sense.  Love and hugs. :hug:

I know that they won't understand fully, and neither do I wish them to have experiences where they know what it is like. However, I do wish they would try to understand and not make comparisons or to brush it under the carpet.
I guess what it is that I long for is acceptance from them that I don't function well.

Lady T called me today. She was incredibly sorry to have forgotten me yesterday. She kept apologizing over and over again. She didn't mean to neglect me. I told her it was alright, that I wasn't upset with her. She asked me how I am doing. And I told her not so well. We talked very briefly about work, and agreed to talk about that after the summer. Then I tried to focus on the accomplishments I have the past week. To focus on the positives. She was thrilled with me. Thrilled that when faced with something that normally triggers me into dissociation or full panic neither happened. Instead I was feeling alot of things, but she said that is normal, and that I will probably always feel angry and longing and sad in regards to this, but that is healthy. I told her, my depression is still there and it is still hard to deal with. She understood.
She ended the conversation by saying that she was going to go beyond protocol and tell me something she wasn't supposed to.
And then she told me that she is incredible proud of me, that she personally is proud of all the work that I have done the past year and half.  That she's impressed with me.

It was unexpected, but very kind of her. I think, had I been at her office when she told me that I would have started crying.

Hi Sceal,
This is so lovely that your T said this about you - I just wanted to send you a gentle supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :cheer: that's awesome sceal! Keep working hard! :hug:

Glad you heard from your T and that she was able to speak such encouraging words to you.

Thank you guys!

I will keep it close to me.

Right now I am panicking..I am dog sitting, and I left the house for a few hours. And now I have this irrational fear that the dog is dead. I don't know where it is from! But, it's there. And I'm terrified..I'm on my way home, but is not going any faster

Breath I'm sure the dog is fine!  Hugs :grouphug:

I think what your T said is just lovely Sceal!

I know you have difficulty seeing strength in yourself.... but I see it in you  :hug:

You said it! The fear about the dog is irrational.  Love ya breath honey

Dog is alive. And very happy to see me, now he is following me everywhere.  ❤️

I found my old stuff from the "cult". I don't know how I am feeling.

Yeah for the dog!  Sit down and love on the dog to take you mind off of the cult stuff. :grouphug:

Breathe, friend. You are safe and the dog is safe.  :hug:

The good point of yesterday:

My Lady T called, she gave me some new perspectives and she complimented me.

I got to cuddle the dog. (And the dog didn't die!)

I met up with some new people I hope eventually will become my friends. One of them,  borrowed me money so I could catch the bus down and meet with them and she gave me a beautiful and unexpected gift! She's rad.

It was sunny weather.
.

It helps me writing down the positives, it makes me focus more on that than all the negatives. I'm not saying it is easy, because it isn't. And most of the time it's more like listing off things off a check-list more than I actually feel much better there and then. But I know from experience that if I keep doing it, I will start to feel better. Besides, it's such a simple thing to do. On the really rough days the only good thing I can think of tends to be the weather. Regardless of the weather. It's nice when it's raining too, especially when the only thing you do is stay indoors.

Today though.
I drove the car to the shop to see if they could take a look what was wrong with it, it turns out there was some rust damage on the exhaust thing. So he's going to replace it today, I got SO relieved. Because it's a wear and tear rust damage, and not my fault for careless driving. It's not my car, it's my moms. I have to get a new exhaust pipe, but the blame isn't on me!

I have alot of financial struggles right now, I need to find a way to earn back the lost money I spent. I overspent on my trip, although I do not regret it one bit. I do need to replace the funds. Especially now since the car is costing me extra too.  And it's summer time, and I'm trying to get to know new people. Which generally means: coffee-dates and similar.

The meetup yesterday was both good for me, and draining. There's alot of weirdo's in this environment, and that's okay. I just have to learn to navigate the waters - it's been too long since I've been nerdy with other nerds in real life. There was this one girl who was talking my head off. I couldn't get a word in sideways. Just nodding and smiling as she was telling me all about this thing of hers. She never stopped to ask me stuff, and this is something I struggle with in social situations. I think it is rude when people only talk about them and theirs. It's like they are expecting me to be spectators to their lives. I'm not interessted in that to be honest. Not that I believe what I have to say is important, fun or even worth knowing. But it's more the feeling of being excluded, that we're doing something together rather than me being the usual spectator in other people's lives. Perhaps it's a thing about setting boundaries, or a thing about saying "HELLO! I EXIST TOO! DON'T TAKE ME FOR GRANTED! I AM NOT YOUR PET THAT DOESN'T TALK". 

I also put on one of the garments that I made when I was with the "cult" today. I felt... nothing.  I'm not sure if that means I'm slowly healing from parts of their abuse, or if it means I'm disconnected with my emotions again, or if it means I will have a reaction later today or tomorrow - or when I least expect it and don't understand it. I hope it is the first part. Because although a small group of that environment/lifestyle was abusive, doesn't mean it all is. And the part that isn't, is a part that I still very much enjoy. But I can't participate because... well... cPTSD. I'm too paranoid that they will be there. Too afraid that someone that knows who I am will recognize me and report back.  That somehow, they will find me again and approach me. And I have NO idea how to handle that confronation. there is no doubt in my mind that they will confront me, and no doubt in my mind that I will back down and agree to all that they say and just succumb. And it terrifies me. It gives me a knot in the stomach I can't get rid of.

 :grouphug: :hug:

Interesting take on being a spectator for others lives.  I prefer to listen in life than to talk.  When it comes to talking... I mostly talk about my kid or other stuff... I don't feel comfortable talking about myself so much.  I think you make a valid point though! Maybe just steer their convo to things that you are interested in? I dunno...

So you felt nothing when trying on the clothes? How do you feel now? Hugs to you either way  :hug: 

What kind of dog are you watching? Im a dog nerd 🤓. Hope you are getting some fun and doggie cuddles while you are dog sitting.

 :hug:

Deep Blue,

I don't particularly want to talk about -me-. But I want to be a part of the conversation. Like being allowed to share my thoughts on different subjects. This girl yesterday was talking about some nerdy stuff. I asked her how long she's been doing this thing, and she said two years. She never asked me for how long I've been at it. But the answer is 17 years. I have vastly longer and more massive experience in this than her. I'm not saying I'm better, I'm not. it's not about being better, or being right. It's just about being apart of it.

The dog I'm watching is a dachshound. He is one of a pair, the other one went with my folks to the cabin. Mom knows I'm under the weather and asked if I wanted a dog with me, I said yes.

I need to vent a little again. I will do so in a new post momentarily. I just need to finish this thing first.

Yeah,
Sounds like this girl wouldn't let you get a word in edgewise... either way, it's her loss!  She doesn't know what she's missing.  Your insight could be valuable but people who run their mouths too much miss out on sometimes.

Love ya!  :hug:

Thank you honey!

---
So the late reaction finally hit me.

* Trigger warning*


I was sitting outside, in my parents garden, alone in the sun. Only with the cat and the dog watching over me, wanting cuddles. It was really wonderful to be alone and it being so idyllic and quiet. But then I started feeling all sorts of stuff. I feel annoyance and sadness, and guilt because I can't seem to move on from my ex. I really want to move on, I don't have feelings for him. But he has for me, and we still live together. Although I don't notice on a day-to-day basis, he's never made a move on me since we broke up. But I feel guilty whenever I want to move on, both move out or thinking about dating someone else (Most of the time I can't even stand the thought of physical contact.. but that's not the point.. the point is I should be free to move on without any guilt.) He's not making me feel guilty on purpose. I just feel so much responsibility for him. And it annoys me. It annoys me that it is this way.  This is something that is really keeping me down these days, and why I don't want to go home. I don't want to be faced with it, I don't want to be around him. It makes me so incredible sad. And every time I picture winning the lottery even, I feel so guilty for dreaming about having my own place and moving out. Because what then of him? Will he be able to make it? It is stupid, I know... But logic and rationale doesn't fit in with emotions.

It's not his doing, I suspect these emotions and reactions are an affect of the grooming of previous people and the "cult". I was groomed, twice, by different people, circumstances and time in my life. I'm so angry I didn't spot it the second time, and I'm so disappointed in me. But it took the second time to realize how much damage the first time had actually done to me. I still am discovering this the day today. Despite it being over a decade ago now.

And I feel so angry and sad that it's interfering with days like today. Like beautifully sunny days, where no one is demanding anything of me. Where I am free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. But no. No, flashback has to happen. Physical flashback has to happen. Old memories I keep buried down has to surface, taking away my ability to enjoy the day.

I took the dog for a walk in a nearby museum park. But this part holds so many memories, technically good and fond memories. But they are now memories connected with both my ex and the "cult", so they no longer are good memories. They make me feel like I want to jump into the pond and well... not return.

 :hug:

Sceal,

Do what you can to soothe and comfort yourself. Pet the dog, a cup of tea or coffee, a soft blanket, watch safe T.V., listen to music, etc. You are worthy of care and tenderness.  :hug:

dear sweet sceal,

moving on can be terribly difficult.  i understand that feeling of responsibility for an ex - i've had it for my mex. hub.  on the other hand, what helped me is remembering the bad times, the draining times, the times that made me not want to be connected w/ him in the same way so that i moved out.   i had to let him sink or swim on his own - it was the adult thing to do, allowing him to be an adult and find his own way.  we stayed in touch by phone, and i was able to continue to give him support that way, but physically, no, not anymore.  that's his responsibility now.

so, just my 2 cents worth.  i'm sorry that such a perfectly lovely day got interrupted by such memories in so many ways - both w/ your ex and the cult.  i think you're doing really well, tho, and so very glad to see you here again.  sending love and a gentle hug w/ a memory eraser, if only for wonderful days that deserve to be enjoyed for what they are.

 :hug: to you Sceal
Hope  :)

I'm sorry, I don't have the energy to respond to you all seperatedly today. But I'm thankful for you all and the thoughts you are sharing with me, and the support.

---
I think I might delete many of my posts at some stage. I have this increased paranoia thing these days, it's after the EF. It happens sometimes, that the paranoia lingers. And it is lingering.

I am doubting people's intention, and I am doubting what they are saying are true and real. It might be nice to hear, but it sounds like lies to me all the same. With the exception of a few people.

I come from a culture where we don't give alot of praise and compliments in general. And within my family it was even less than normal. So for me, whenever I get an overly excited compliment I tend not to believe them. It's easier to believe the compliments when they are sort of told in a side-sentence. Or where I can literally both feel and see their wholeheartedness about it - but that is so rare.
A friend of mine said I'm a priority to her, and that she's always there for me. She's said this quite recently (within the last 4 weeks), but then she started going distant and I kept feeling rejected. And it's fuel for my mistrust. It hurts. I don't want to mistrust people.
I also mistrust my roomie when he says he wants to make amends, but we had a lengthy talk about that today. I don't expect him to make amends at all. I don't feel he has the need to. But he feels guilty and wants to do better by me. It just turned out that we had different thoughts about what that actually meant.  We had a very long, painful and tearful conversation today. It hurts me that I'm hurting him. And he hurts because I am hurting, and because I don't want him back. And it's just such an emotional mess. And I caught myself thinking afterwards that "what if I just... if he do the changes... then would there be a chance?" and I don't know if I actually do legitimatedly believe and feel so, or if it is my groomed-self that wants to avoid conflict and hurt. (he never groomed me, I just want to underline that!).
Then a new group of people I'm slowly starting to get to know is starting a game-group, but I'm not invited. And I kind of feel rejected. I should probably learn to be more rejected in general. It's just a sucky feeling. and I don't know if it's because they don't know me well yet, or if it's because they're not that interessted in getting to know me better. I don't actually know. And I am scared to know. I didn't ask to join the game, maybe I should. But I dunno.

I asked my friend if she was mad at me, and she responded with "why would I be that?" and a shocked emoji. And I replied, and she's replied back. but I'm not sure I can handle more emotional stuff today. so I haven't dared read her reply. I bet I am just being stupid, overreactive and silly. But I can't help it, can I?
Fighting against your biology/chemistry isn't easy! It's not like saying "I think I'll wear the pink socks over the black ones today" and that will be all the difference!  Silly anology. But whatever, I'm tired and sad.

I hate being like this. Roomie said I'm going into a downward spiral being more agressive and bitter. He is probably right. I know he is right, although I suspect I need to go through this period. To feel all the feelings to get to know them if I can, to regocnize them.  I'm not sure if I will.

I should probably just shut up now and go to bed.

hey, sceal, i can feel your sadness and pain, and i'm really sorry you're feeling like this.  i think doubting ourselves is one of the worst symptoms of all this, second-guessing, confusion, wondering, not quite feeling sure-footed about what we want - that's what it sounds like to me anyway. 

i also understand about not wanting to deal w/ anything else emotional on a particular day - sometimes enough is too much.  i hope you can take care of yourself as best as possible, and to be gentle w/ yourself if you can't.  i'm just glad you're here, glad you're writing this stuff down, reaching out, letting us in.  you are very special to me, sceal, and i appreciate you in my life.  i don't quite know how to say that sideways or as an off-the-wall comment, but it is coming from my heart.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion and care.

Sceal here's a cup for you again☕️ and one for me☕️.  I totally understand what you have said not knowing who to turn to feeling alone, feeling friends pulling away whether that's in my head or real.

Here's the kicker I'm on vacation with my kids and husband away from"normal" life and I'm still struggling to fake the smile.  Trying to stay in the moment and make fun memories with them.  Why is that so hard?

This is what I keep telling myself Sceal.  I can only make small changes in me at time.  My junk took years of abuse and trauma to scar and damage me and then I've done many more years of damage because of them. I have to give myself time to hurt, and time heal a little bit at time and hopefully I'll get to the point there will be less faking it.

I wish sometimes this wasn't online I love board games you would do be in my group.🙂.

Feel my heartfelt  :hug: thank you for your support well!

I am feeling quite raw right now. Sad, I suppose. Maybe anger? I am not certain.

I get so annoyed at people around me there days. For the smallest and insignificant things. For saying things that doesn't even concern me or is about me. But I get flare ups of real annoyance to the degree I don't want to talk with them or be near them in fear I will end up getting actually angry and saying something I don't actually mean. I told my friend this and my friend told me that it is because they are complaining about little things, and it's not them that I am truly upset with. It is that they remind me, not intentionally, of my own current situation that I am stuck in and cannot get out of and it hurts. I think she is probably right. But it sucks never the less. I don't want to be upset with people who are undeserving of it.

I met up with a long time friend today. I haven't seen my friend for quite some time, maybe a year now.. or longer? We don't often talk about old times. But today we did. Or rather we talked about the people in our mutual past. My ex came up. My friend doesn't know the whole story, and I am not inclined to inform either. But I have made it clear I don't want to associate with my ex ever again. Which is accepted.  Talking about my ex made me nauseous though. But I didn't give away any signs it was troubling me. I learned however that my ex appears to be quite lonely and friendless - despite being married. Sadly, this amused me.
I never wished ill of my past abusers. But recently I am. I don't know if it's because I am allowing more of the anger to be felt.. or what it is. But it troubles me.
I don't want to sink to their petty level of wishing someone else harm.
I don't want to risk my own soul because of the likes of them...
However I used to dream that I would rise from this *. Strong, powerful, accomplished.. but most of all -happy. And I wanted them to know they failed, I was stronger than the them.
I am not though. I am still here, being useless to society

hey sweet sceal,

it sounds to me like you're in pain, and when we are hurting, i think thoughts and feelings can rise from the pain.  i mean, i've done this myself - i've never really wanted harm or hurt to others, but i found some extraordinarily horrible thoughts coming out of me about my ex.  i couldn't explain it, i'd never hated anyone before, yet here it was.

one day i heard my d talking about someone who had hurt her very badly, saying things she doesn't ordinarily say about others, either, and the thought crossed my mind - she's speaking from her pain.  it made sense to me, then, that that was where my own hateful feelings were coming from, a place of pain.  perhaps that's where those random neg. thoughts of yours are coming from.

just a thought.   i know you're struggling right now, and i wish i could say or do something to help.  know that i'm here, standing beside you, quietly supporting you in a gentle, caring way.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion. :hug:

Sceal I'm glad you got together with a friend.  I'm sorry it caused pain and anger.

Quote from: Sceal on July 17, 2019, 09:04:41 PM
I learned however that my ex appears to be quite lonely and friendless - despite being married. Sadly, this amused me.
I never wished ill of my past abusers. But recently I am. I don't know if it's because I am allowing more of the anger to be felt.. or what it is. But it troubles me.
I don't want to sink to their petty level of wishing someone else harm.
I don't want to risk my own soul because of the likes of them...
However I used to dream that I would rise from this *. Strong, powerful, accomplished.. but most of all -happy. And I wanted them to know they failed, I was stronger than the them.

I think it is normal to feel a little justified that world has given them back some of the karma.  I know that I have struggled with this area too.  A lot recently not wanting to wish harm on them but at them same time struggling with where they are and the harm they cause.

You being amused by his loneliness of his own doing is not your fault and you should not feel bad about.  It sounds like he's made his bed and now he's alone it.  You have every right to be amused by that cause it serves him right don't put shame on yourself for that.

And one day Sceal you will rise from the ashes stronger, more powerful, accomplished and happy until that day we are here to remind you you're stronger than you think braver than believe, and more loved than you'll ever know. :hug:

San: but this is an old wound, not a recent one. And I don't event talk about it. I never did. I couldn't at the time, there was no one safe to talk to. And I didn't even believe I had the right to. I was imagining things. And what if I really was imagining it, I couldn't say anything then because I would hurt him. And then there was also the thought of why should anyone believe me? I was fat and unattractive afterall - why would anyone want to touch me without a ten foot pole, willingly? Not mentioning the fear and shame and blocked out memories.
So why now, after so long should I bother with wishing him ill?

Tee:
I do like the thought that he made his own bed, and has now to deal with that. Makes it sounds nicer and not so bad that I was amused at his loneliness.

---
I think I am self sabotaging. I am not eating right. And I catch myself wanting to eat when I am not hungry, I don't when I realised that is what I am doing. But.. I think I am self sabotaging..

Lady T and Mr.T is away on holiday. So I have to lean on myself.
I am also noticing an increase of aggressiveness. I get so annoyed at people for nothing.

It's bothering me.

And I wish I had the answer. Iike truly. And then a way to find out how to solve it.

 :hug: do you have a hobby you like to do?  I go back and forth trying to find things to distract myself when I feel myself start self sabotaging. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't. Here in the struggle with you Sceal! :grouphug:

I have many hobbies. But they don't always help, they require me to think alot and that requires energy. I am often without energy to pursue my hobbies.  :Idunno:

I get that :'( it's all I could think of nothing's helping me right now either. Hope you're coming out of darkness I'm her for you :hug:

Sceal  :hug:

hey, sceal,

the stuff w/ my ex, that i've been struggling w/ recently, has also been old stuff.  so why now?  maybe it's cuz it wasn't dealt w/ at the time, processed totally, kind of shoved down, pushed aside, and we weren't ready to actually get these thoughts/feelings/emotions out till now.  just a thought, but it rang a bell w/ me.  i'm not one to wish someone else harm, either, but, man oh man, the thoughts i've had toward him!  revenge, justice, hatred - all very unlike me, but the past months my mind has been rife w/ this crapola. 

that would make sense to me, too, why you're being irritated, sabotaging your eating, etc.  if you never even talked about what happened, i doubt that you could've gotten your anger out about it thoroughly in the past.  sounds like it's beginning to leak out in other places now.  just a thought.

it's a gritch, tho, i'll grant you that.  so very sorry you're going thru this, sweetie.  it truly sucks.

by the by, just want to contradict you for a moment - i disagree that you are being useless to society.  we are very much part of society, and you continue to find the energy to be supportive here.  i don't find you useless - you're a valuable part of this society.  i know you'll want to bat that away, but i decided to say it anyway.

sending love and a  hug filled with cleansing energy to you.   :hug:

Quoteby the by, just want to contradict you for a moment - i disagree that you are being useless to society.  we are very much part of society, and you continue to find the energy to be supportive here.  i don't find you useless - you're a valuable part of this society.  i know you'll want to bat that away, but i decided to say it anyway.

:yeahthat:  :yes:👍

Quote from: Three Roses on July 22, 2019, 04:34:17 PM

Quoteby the by, just want to contradict you for a moment - i disagree that you are being useless to society.  we are very much part of society, and you continue to find the energy to be supportive here.  i don't find you useless - you're a valuable part of this society.  i know you'll want to bat that away, but i decided to say it anyway.

:yeahthat:  :yes:👍

:yeahthat: :yourock:
I totally agree with San and 3R you matter and are helpful here to me. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 22, 2019, 03:00:15 PM
by the by, just want to contradict you for a moment - i disagree that you are being useless to society.  we are very much part of society, and you continue to find the energy to be supportive here.  i don't find you useless - you're a valuable part of this society.  i know you'll want to bat that away, but i decided to say it anyway.

:yeahthat: Agree!  :hug:

 :hug: :grouphug:

I am slowly starting to wonder.

wonder if I have convinced myself of a truth that isn't.. well, true. When people have asked me what it's like living with my ex, or giving me a look of incrudilty. I've always had to defend my choice "It's not too bad" "we're quite good friends, it works out well for the most part".
But I have a growing resentment within me. I feel trapped. Emotionally and financially.

I don't think he is doing it on purpose, or even is aware that he is playing on my guilt. Or aware that he is playing on the parts of my grooming of people in my past. But it hurts so much to see him sad, it hurts soo much to know I am causing him pain. I am more concerned for his wellbeing when I move out than I am for my own. I can't really afford to rent anywhere else. I will have to move back in with my family - and although we are getting along better now than ever before  - that's not guaranteed to last if I move back in with them. And even then I will not have a free space where I can just.. breathe.
I feel responsible for him. He is leeching off of me, I know. Not financially (not anymore), but practically and emotionally. He says I am the most important person outside of his family to him, and his closest friend. He might be sincere about it, but it puts such an extra amount of pressure on me.
I am not kind to him. The first things I usually say to him when I get home from wherever, or whenever he wakes up is "Hello. Have you done x or z yet?" or "can you do y today? now?"  Probably without greeting him properly with "how's your day been? Anything good? did you sleep well?"  But I am just so.. I dunno.

I WANT TO F*!#)"#¤% LIVE ALONE!
to not have to explain myself to anyone. to be asked how I am every 5 minutes ( I know that sounds awful, there are people who would love for someone to ask them how they are. And I am one of them - it's just... He doesn't want to know. It's a polite phrase.  which forces me to lie all the f!"#¤ time, or tell the truth and say "it's none of your business why I feel like crap" and then have a lengthy conversation about boundaries. I'm just not "#%#¤%& up to that when I feel like crap.)

I don't feel like this is my home. I don't feel like anywhere is my home. Where I am safe.

that sounds like some heavy duty thoughts and considerations, sceal.  something primal, maybe?  fundamental for you? 

when the mr. (thank you, dear) wrote to me, wanting to get back with me, have me in his life, his main reason was that i made him a better person, that he felt better about things when he was able to talk to me, and stated 'call me soon'.  being of a helping personality most of my life, this sort of talk was pulling at that urge of mine to be there for others.  put their needs first, as you mentioned. 

telling you you're the most important person in his life seems very similar to me.  it's a way to pull us back in, to my mind.  however, you're making your wants very clear here - you don't want that pressure of someone's dependence for their well-being hanging on your shoulders anymore.  quite honestly, i don't blame you.  it's a lot of work, time, and energy to pull someone else's weight around along with your own.

if you moved back in w/ your parents, would you be able to save money that way toward finding a place of your own?  i guess that would be ideal if it's a possibility.  i don't know what kind of rent they might charge you, but it sounds like it would be less than you're paying now. 

one thought i keep coming back to in all this type of thing is the idea that we are doing the work, we are battling hard to get to a place of healthy independence.  your ex has seen you do this, i imagine.  has he done any of that kind of work to further his own growth alone, or simply depended on you?  these relationship things are tricky.  i don't mean to be un-compassionate toward him, but he is an adult.  sometimes we have to cut those ties so that they can experience their own adulthood, allow them the privilege of finding their own way.  i don't know.  this stuff is rough emotionally, no matter what the scenario.  please remember, it's ok for you to be your own priority.  first and foremost.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and resolve.

I hear you loud and clear when you say you want to live alone and not have boundary crossing conversations that you have to then deal with!  :pissed:

Quote
I don't think he is doing it on purpose, or even is aware that he is playing on my guilt.

But he doesn't have to be doing it on purpose, or be aware of what he's doing, for you to not like it. You're entitled to your feelings without having to justify them.

I just want to say, I hear your anger.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 29, 2019, 08:18:44 PM
if you moved back in w/ your parents, would you be able to save money that way toward finding a place of your own?  i guess that would be ideal if it's a possibility.  i don't know what kind of rent they might charge you, but it sounds like it would be less than you're paying now. 

one thought i keep coming back to in all this type of thing is the idea that we are doing the work, we are battling hard to get to a place of healthy independence.  your ex has seen you do this, i imagine.  has he done any of that kind of work to further his own growth alone, or simply depended on you?  these relationship things are tricky.  i don't mean to be un-compassionate toward him, but he is an adult.  sometimes we have to cut those ties so that they can experience their own adulthood, allow them the privilege of finding their own way.  i don't know.  this stuff is rough emotionally, no matter what the scenario.  please remember, it's ok for you to be your own priority.  first and foremost.  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity and resolve.

Both yes and no. I would get a larger savings account, but when I move back out on the rent-market it will dissapear very quickly compared to how much I get on wellfare. I intend to move to them after I've applied for disability, or to the cabin. The cabin would give me most alone time, but also it would have no internet and a long way to walk to the store. But it would give me quiet time.

He hasn't seeked help for his issues anywhere. He's too ashamed and doesn't know what to say. But he wont be able to do it any other way. I made him go talk to a nurse when he was back in his home-country and that seemed to help for a little bit. but it's different here. I wish he would tell me he intends to move back. Then I would have less guilt to carry, as it would be his own problem then.

Quote from: Three Roses on July 30, 2019, 03:51:38 AM
I hear you loud and clear when you say you want to live alone and not have boundary crossing conversations that you have to then deal with!  :pissed:

Quote
I don't think he is doing it on purpose, or even is aware that he is playing on my guilt.

But he doesn't have to be doing it on purpose, or be aware of what he's doing, for you to not like it. You're entitled to your feelings without having to justify them.

I just want to say, I hear your anger.  :hug:

Thank you, Three Roses. It was good to be reminded that I'm entitled to my own emotions without actually having to justify them. I feel I have to justify them all the time.

Yesterday was difficult. Very difficult.

I went to bed 4 times yesterday, I was so exhausted. I don't normally get the kind of depression where I don't get out of bed (I would say that doesn't mean I'm not suffering, or that my depressions aren't deep.), because it physically hurts to lie down so much. Stiff and sore all over today.
But it was impossible to stay awake. It's a little hard today as well, but today I got errands and work to go to, so no choice.

If I had any left over energies I would probably have gone and done some old SH stuff. Just to feel anything else.

It feels as if I have a big boulder pinning me down by my chest. Making it hard to breathe, it's painful.

 :hug: I'm sorry here with you Sceal :hug:

Thank you Tee.  :hug:


I had an mid-morning appointment at the SA support centre with Mr. T. It helped, it relieved some of the pressure. Lady T is on holiday, but Mr. T, although not a therapist he's more of a social worker, is a big help too. We talked alot about the concept of being "good enough". After that I stayed at the centre for a while, and one of the other social workers whom I haven't seen in months was working today and she sat down with me as I had a cup of coffee and we talked about travelling, the sun, excersises and health. It was very nice. Technically I was supposed to run off to work right after the appointment but I stayed for an extra hour and half to talk to her.  I needed it.
on my way to work I texted an old colleague of mine whom I know have been struggling. I haven't talked to her since April and I thought I'd message her and ask how she was doing. She's still deep in the depression but wanted to meet up for a cup of coffee. I told her I could meet her after work. It was lovely. I got to rant, she got to rant. And then we moved over to nerdy stuff. It was nice.

I'm stressed at work though. Messing up, not really making any headway. it'll be difficult there for the next few weeks/month and a half. Hopefully not longer. I need stability now.

I've decided I'm going to write a letter to my roomie. It'll be a letter where I explain why I need to move. It technically shouldn't be needed, but he is still my friend. Even if I am upset with him at the moment. I need him to see that it is for the better of the both of us to move apart. I would like to keep him in my life as a friend, but I think I would be able to be a better friend to him if I am not forced to see him everyday and pick up his mess on a weekly basis.

I will probably slowly and silently pack away things that I will not need for the next 8 months. Both to make it easier for me in 8ish months, but also to emotionally and mentally prepare myself that this is really happening.

I'm glad you had time with some people who were able to listen and that being heard brought a degree of relief from the pain. You are making strong steps to take care of yourself by working on moving out.  :applause:

It hurts alot. Not only because of the frustration he is giving me, or the frustration of living here and not somewhere I love. But because I do miss the good days, that  guy is still in there somewhere underneath all the layers of fear and depression and frustration with me and his life situation. And it hurts giving up on that bit.
It makes me feel sad as well as angry.

It will take a long time before I can actually move. Unless he decides enough is enough, he is moving out sooner.

 :hug: bit by bit take the steps you need to take make your life better. That's all you can do. It's hard and frustrating at times.  At least I get very frustrated with myself at how show processing and progress is at times.  But every step is a step.  I try to keep reminding myself that too.  You can do it both at work and home.  Here for Sceal. :hug:

hey, sweetie,  i think a letter is a really good idea.  i've done that on several occasions, and it's helped me a lot to clarify my thoughts, decide what i really want to say, and what my intent is in saying it, as well as what the final goal is that i want to achieve.  best to you with this.  i get it that you know the guy who was good w/ you is still in there.  it's too bad he doesn't want to bring that guy out anymore.

sending love always, sceal, and a hug filled w/ clarity.

I've started on the letter.
It hurts.
I'm exhausted.

I just want this all to be over with.

 :hug:

I'm in full support of a letter sweetie.

I had a thought while reading as well.  Maybe you are trying to push him away with not greeting him without asking if he did x y or z? Kind of like when a guy acts all aloof so you break up with him? Just a thought.

At any rate, if you are not happy living with him anymore than I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell him so.  It used to work... doesn't anymore... for your friendship to last you need to not be roommates.

Anyway wishing you love and clarity  :hug:

 :hug:

Thanks guys.

I just feel so *. it's 20.00 on a saturday night. it's still bright light outside, and all I can do is feel pity for myself.
I don't want to be awake. But I don't want to keep wasting my life sitting indoors watching * movies I don't care about either.
but I find it hard to have energy to care much for anything these days. it's just pulling through, and trying not to feel to gooddamn awful at the same time without resorting to SH.

Man I wish Lady T was back from holiday. Another three weeks. Might have to write her a letter too.

Hugs I know what you mean I keep hitting bottom I try to stay busy enough I can't but my adrenaline keeps letting me down and and I crash.  I'm sure we can both do it. I'm here for you Sceal. :hug:

Thank you Tee. That is very sweet of you. I am here for you too, although I have very little strength to comment on others journals these days.

That too makes me feel like a terrible person. The fact I'm not able to be there for others anymore.
I have been in worse shape than I am now, and yet still been able to be there more for people.

This depression feels different from the others. There is so much bitterness and the lack of willingness to get out of bed. I only do it because I either hurt physically or I can't stand being at home.
Lady T told me to stay social in her absence this summer so I have asked my support friend out for coffee.
My body feels off. It feels as if I have filled it with merely junk food. Which I have not, not only. I have perhaps eaten too much bread and I had chips yesterday and today which I both regret deeply. Even when I ate it. I don't even know why I bought it.
I feel disgusting both in body and in mind.

I keep feeling like I have no valuable contribution. I can't offer someone a place to stay. To buy them coffee, to drive them to X or y. I can't help out with computer issues or babysitting.
It also hurts me that if I don't reach out to friends, they won't talk to me. I guess I am easily forgettable. Although, I suspect that is not fair on them.
It just would be nice that for every 5 or 10 times I reach out. They would do the same. Too busy with their own lives, and I can't really fault anyone for that. Life is hectic enough already, I don't need to add to it. Or atleast it seems hectic the way healthy people function.

I feel like I am spoiled. I have it far better than people in certain areas of the world. I shouldn't complain. Yet I can't stop feeling so bitter.

 :hug: Sceal you're important and valuable to me. It's ok if you can't comment at the moment there's days I can only put up a hug emoji after reading cause I don't know what to say.  Honestly I think I read and comment to know I'm not the only one struggling.  I'm not sure why but it's been a rough month, and honestly I don't see it getting better for me any time soon. However being on here gives me hope that maybe I'll make through my head crap and to the other side. 

I hope you have a better day today,. Maybe go for a walk or something :Idunno: I'll be thinking about you and wishing you the best. :hug:

You are valuable to me too Sceal! Lately i have not been reading or commenting on other people's journals but that's ok!

We are all trauma survivors and need to stop beating ourselves up when we don't feel we can respond to others.  We do the best we can ya know  :hug:

Sceal, I feel sad that you are weighed down by depression and self-condemnation. You are worthy of care and kindness.

I fled. I couldn't bear roomies company. I couldn't bear my family. So I snuck out to the cabin to rest and think and to cry and carry this heavy burden of guilt around. Alternating between anger, extreme sadness, frustration and doubt.

I wrote him the letter.

Then I went to town to meet up with Mr. T at the support centre. It didn't feel cleansing, it was hard, but he is easy to talk to. He is getting to know me more now. And he thinks it's the right thing to do. To move. For everyone involved.

I met up with a new friend for dinner, and hanging out. It was a nice escape, talking about other things and hearing about her life. Not having to talk about me and my problems. Then I fled up to my childhood home. I wasn't ready to go home and face roomie. He'd been upset with me during a phonecall when I mentioned talking about moving.

I cuddles the dogs, I told my mom my fears. I drank too much coffee. I went on a hike in the forest. I only meant to wander for 20-30 minutes, but it was so captivating... And I ended up lost. I hadn't brought my phone. I had no idea how long I had been gone. But I figured the trails must lead somewhere. And I wasn't so lost that I didn't know which direction was home. But I needed the car I had parked. I slipped and worried I had twisted my ankle. I hadn't, but that is a miracle. Whenever I slip and fall it always ends up with a twisted ankle and 8 to 20weeks on crutches. 2 hours later I found the car.

Went back to mom's and cuddled the dogs.

Got home today. The place was stinking. I opened up all the windows and kept the door open despite it was pouring bathtubs down outside. I did an excersise workout session. Roomie was still sleeping, so I thought I'd make the most of the time. Heart wrenching and scared to when he'd wake up.  I did a round of waterproofing the shoes and started tidying up a bit and then cleaning the floors. A long and desperately needed thing to do. He woke up in the middle of that and we chatted a bit. Did some laundry. And finally got in the shower. Scrubbed and oiled and rinsed and lotioned. I had something to eat and watched an episode of some * TV show. Then I started getting restless. Should I say something? Should I wait? When is it a good time? He noticed I was stressing so I told him I'd written him a letter so then he got nervous. I gave it to him and I started cleaning the kitchen while he read fighting back the tears.

He didn't yell.
He didn't get angry.

I cried and cried and cried. I tried to be strong. My eyes are red and poofy now. Bloodshot. He got worried and ended up putting me to bed.

I am so worn. And all I feel now is doubt and sadness.

Am I doing the right thing?

Today I witnessed the guy that I have missed for so long. Today he was the guy I first fell for. He is still in there somewhere, and that hurts so much. I am hurting him.
I am causing him so much pain.
He still loves me. But he doesn't know if he can still be my friend after we move.

What if I am making the biggest mistake of my life? I don't know what is up or down anymore

I'm sorry it is so incredibly hard for you right now. People aren't black and white. He showed you his tender side. From what you've written, that is a true side to him. Also, there are reasons that you decided that it was healthier for you to move out. Those reasons still exists. Not black and white, which makes it hard. Trust your decision. It wasn't made on a whim.

He said the same, that it will be the best for my health. He knows that. I knows that.
But.. I can't explain it properly.

Hugs Sceal  you can do this healing is hard and making healthy choices don't always seem right at the time. You will make it through and come out stronger than ever. :hug: I sent a picture of a card I saw today that it took a picture of and I think it totally applies.  You should be able to see it when the moderators ok it. Hugs :hug:

Thank you Tee. I haven't seen the picture yet.

--
I left work early today. Again. Like always. New people today. And also I feel like I'm breaking my heart into a million pieces.
I can't paint, or draw or create anything. Everyone is thousand times better than I.
What is the point of anything? I'm just ruining everything I touch, maybe not at first - but then eventually it'll get poisoned.

I can't breathe. Tears are flowing free-fall down my puffy potato sack of a face. A friend of mine says this is really difficult, and but I am standing in it. I am faced with the like of thought that it's a silly thing to say. Because I can't avoid this situation that I've started. So it's not like I can avoid it or hide from it, or pretend it's not happening.

What am I doing...

Sceal I'm here with you.  You can do this small steps try to breathe. :hug:

Standing with you, Sceal.  :hug:

Thank you.

---

I cried for 3 days after the conversation with roomie. And then I felt this emptiness. Like nothing really matters. All of my things doesn't matter. My art doesn't matter. If I get out of bed doesn't matter.
I did though, get out of bed.

Then I got to my GP appointment. We talked a little around it, and she reminded me again that it is the healthy choice. For both him and I. To move apart. That right now it'll hurt, and it will hurt for a while.  The conversations aren't done being held, and each time we (roomie and I) will talk about it, I will probably break down and cry. But people aren't meant to be continuing living with their exes for such an extended time.  The emptiness was still there, but a little lighter I suppose. I got my blood drawn and then I got my b12 shot. And I went for a hike on a mountain-hill that I haven't been to for years, and years. It's not even that much out of the way for me when I go visit my parents. So I'm not quite sure why I never go. But it was a lovely walk, and it helped lifting my spirits.

I've been seeking comfort in my parents pets alot this summer. And each time I feel really low I go visit them and cuddle the dogs and the day gets better. Not good, but better.

I ended up with a call with a friend of mine in a different time-zone. We talk a few times a year, but we're so similar in the way we process things and how we work about art. (she's an artist as well), and we're both interessted in some of the same things. The time just flies by whenever I talk with her. She always makes me smile, and I get so energetic, passionate and inspired when I talk with her. It was a really nice break from all the sadness. I got alot of new thoughts and ideas for my work. And I even started talking with this graphic designer I hadn't really dared to talk to the next day. And that gave me more ideas. And I even managed to solve some difficult obstacles work-wise I had been struggling with for months.

So I felt okay on thursday. Friday I had a conversation with Mr. T at the SA support centre. He said that from what he knows of me, which isn't alot yet, that it is apparent that I don't really know who I am - I don't know what I like and where my boundaries goes. Because my survival techniques have been letting everyone get their way and their will. Friends, family, colleagues, strangers - everyone. Even when it's good things or safe for me to say no. I've just been surviving, and now that I'm not "only just surviving" anymore, it creates alot of confusion when it comes to relationships because I don't know where my boundaries goes. And he says it's quite natural that what I do need now is time on my own to figure this out. Not another partner. Not having to look after others.  It was nice hearing him say it. I guess, because I think he's right. And it lessens my guilt a little bit, atleast for the moment I'm talking with him.

I had a deep conversation with someone at work too, very unexpectedly. But nice. Difficult.

today, I decided I was going to clean up this appartment. I need space to work, and I need to have less mess around. At first it was nice. I got my desk clean. And I sorted some things. I got so drained from energy though. And now I'm tears again. I was packing things away, and thinking of what things is it that I will not be needing for the next 2 years? And that was all that got me derailing back down into the rabbit-hole of crying my eyes out.

I have no idea how I am going to manage packing up all my things without being utterly destroyed. Despite it being months and months away still.

sweet sceal,

what a lot of emotional ups and downs you are going thru.  it's no wonder you're confused, sad, uncomfortable, and crying.  i would be, too.

i agree w/ your gp, that you are doing a positive thing, even if it doesn't feel positive right now.  this stuff is so hard, so draining of our spirit.  i'm glad you have your parents' pets to help bolster that.

just want you to know that i'm with you, right next to you.  i hope you can take your time, allow your pace, process as you go along.  sending love and a hug filled with comfort and peace. :hug:

Hi Sceal,
I've not read all of your entry today, but I saw that you had a hike in the hills that you'd not visited for a long time, and that you enjoyed the walk and it lifted your mood, and I am pleased you had those moments and I wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug: small steps forward. I'm here with you :hug:

You are doing difficult things and making hard choices, that's for sure. These things will serve you well in the future. Your future self will look back with thankfulness and gratitude towards this present you. We're here for you.  :hug:

So much going on with you. Sounds overwhelming. In the middle of all this, you have done some good self-care:

• allowing yourself to feel and cry
• getting out of bed
• going to GP appointment
• sticking to your decision to leave even though it is so hard
• pet therapy
• talking to a friend
• Going to see Mr. T.
• cleaning your desk

Keep going baby step by baby step, moments at a time. Try (I know it is easier said then done) not to go into ". . . how am I going to manage. . . " You managed quite a bit this week.  :hug:

Quote from: notalone on August 17, 2019, 05:47:56 PM
So much going on with you. Sounds overwhelming. In the middle of all this, you have done some good self-care:

• allowing yourself to feel and cry
• getting out of bed
• going to GP appointment
• sticking to your decision to leave even though it is so hard
• pet therapy
• talking to a friend
• Going to see Mr. T.
• cleaning your desk

Keep going baby step by baby step, moments at a time. Try (I know it is easier said then done) not to go into ". . . how am I going to manage. . . " You managed quite a bit this week.  :hug:

:yeahthat:

 :hug: I'm really sorry that you're having to go through all of this

Thank you everyone for your support. It means so much when you feel so stuck and so alone. Knowing that you are cheering for me is heartwarming.
Thank you, notalone, for listing the things I have done. It looks so different when things are listed like that.
---

I worked for maybe an hour at work today. And I  snuck out early because... Too much nervous energy, someone was waiting for me (not sure why I thought they couldn't wait til after work.. I really don't). I felt pressured. I couldn't focus. I needed air. So I left. And then I felt terrible. So guilty.
So angry at myself for lack of strong work ethic.

I worked a tiny bit from home. I have things to bring to work tomorrow to work on.

I wrote a letter to Lady T. I'm seeing her again on Wednesday. I wrote about the darkness. The shame, guilt, fear.

I miss hearing voices. I feel so trapped in my own thoughts now. It's stupid I know. The voices were my own thoughts, but they didn't feel or sound like mine. I guess I miss being able to talk to someone. But it's like I'm not sure how to talk anymore.

sweet sceal,

don't have much energy today, but i'm sending love and a hug filled with guilt remover.  there is nothing wrong with your work ethic, from what i know of you.  your c-ptsd injuries, however, can get in the way of doing things the way you want to do them.   i know mine do on a regular basis.  :hug:

Sceal it's perfectly ok to not want to face conflict.  I'm sorry your feeling so dark.  But agree with San you seem to work hard give yourself some grace.  Big hug :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 19, 2019, 09:30:34 PM
sweet sceal,

don't have much energy today, but i'm sending love and a hug filled with guilt remover.  there is nothing wrong with your work ethic, from what i know of you.  your c-ptsd injuries, however, can get in the way of doing things the way you want to do them.   i know mine do on a regular basis.  :hug:

I hope you are right, San. That it is my PTSD that's flaring up and not a reflection on me. This poor work ethic.

Lady T sort of breached that subject a bit. I'll write about it further down.

Quote from: Tee on August 20, 2019, 12:57:57 PM
Sceal it's perfectly ok to not want to face conflict.  I'm sorry your feeling so dark.  But agree with San you seem to work hard give yourself some grace.  Big hug :hug:

I would agree with you.  :hug: My Lady T ( what I have named my psychologist in here) disagrees on this matter. Atleast where it concerns me and my strong tendency to avoid avoid avoid.

I have managed somehow to get an inflamed elbow and shoulder joint. My elbow only hurt occasionally, my shoulder however aches all the time. And I can no longer take anti-inflammatory medications. I hope I wont have to endure this pain for weeks. Pain killers haven't helped at all today. Maybe tomorrow it'll be better and today was just a big flare up.

I went to see Lady T today.
I was nervous. I haven't seen her in a while. At the end of the session she asked me what it was like to be there today. It's a common question she asks. My usual answer tend to be variants of "challenging" to "painful". Today I told her it was good being back. It was good to see her.

I had brought her the letter summarising my summer. She ignored the part with dark-dark thoughts but complemented me on having fought against the urges to SH, and won. I told her summer was an impractical time for SH, she said "any excuse to avoid doing SH is good in my book. Even if it is just because you want to wear a t-shirt". She has a point.

We talked about work. She kept asking me why I felt such unease at work. I didn't have a clear answer. She suggested alot that I take up the conversation with my colleague about her turning off the light and that makes me feel unwelcome at my workstation. I know, it is such a simple thing. It shouldn't be a problem.. but I am TERRIFIED of that conflict. And tbh, I don't even quite know why. It's not even a conflict at the moment since we haven't actually talked about it. There hasn't been a disagreement.
It's so stupid. I told my boss on a day I was out of it, or high in PTSD and wanted to go home. (She wouldn't let me).  And my boss said she would take it up, but I told her not to. I don't want to make a problem out of it or make her feel unwelcome or something. I want to Avoid avoid avoid the conflict. Or the potential conflict. Lady T doesn't approve. I said I can't fight my urges to avoid all the time, it's too hard. It's too exhausting. I don't have the capacity right now. She asked me "what's the alternative, be stuck with the suffering?" To which I said yes. Change my work days. Change my work routine. Call in sick.

I was on the verge of crying at this point. She asked instead how important work is for me. To be there. What is my priority.  I think it's to avoid getting worse, to regress. And then she asked me how I could do that. And I said to have something to go to, somewhere to be. And we were back on work again. I need work, or the work that I do. The art.
I know I do. But there's so much uncertainty and new people lately. It's so hard to deal with and I don't know why.
I'm not sure if knowing why would make going through it actually easier. I've said in the past that just because I know why things are the way they are, the knowing part, doesn't make it easier.

But anyway, we got to a point in the session where I said I want to be on disability. But I don't know if the disability committee or whatever you call them in English would allow me to apply. And she said she'll support me, and we will get a meeting. And we'll figure it out. At which point I did start to cry. 
I guess I felt so relieved that she is in my corner and is willing to fight for me. Help me get rid of the obstacles that I have no control over so I can get some control and have more capacity for therapy and breathing.

We didn't get enough time to talk about my roomie.  But we will. I need to.

 :hug: sounds like a productive session :hug:

Sometimes it help just writing down the things that were talked about. So I remember them.

Went to work today. I have a week-end shift. It's boring, I'm just managing the location incase someone comes in to buy art. They usually don't. So it's 1 hour travel there and 4 hours of doing nothing and stressing about not doing anything. and 1 hour back home. And it's so stupid, because at the end of the day I'm so exhausted. But I've litereally done nothing.

There's so many thoughts in my head. And I can't seem to shake them out. So it's just draining all my energy. it's really annoying.

 :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on August 24, 2019, 05:29:23 PM
. And it's so stupid, because at the end of the day I'm so exhausted. But I've litereally done nothing.

I find that needing to be "on" or ready to be able to deal with others is very tiring, even if I "don't do anything."

Yeah, that is probably a good point.  Thank you for seeing it for me.

I can look in the mirror now and see changes of my body. I can see that it is getting smaller. The big outside shell is very very slowly starting to fade away to show me, and the outside world, what I actually look like. Within the year I hope that the inside and the outside will correspond. That when I do look in the mirror it is me that I see.
Physically that is. Not psychologically. Although connected, in this I do separate them.

But...

Whenever I do look at the scale, take measurements or see the changes.. or feel it when I accidentally brush against my hipbone...
Something happens.. and I want to eat.
I am not sure what it is. Is it fear? Is it "reward"? Is it punishment? Is it something else entirely?
I wonder how I can figure this one out.
Keep asking the questions perhaps. But that is so hard when I get so tired it feels like cottonballs in my head with nothing working.

my sweet sceal, it seems like you're in the midst of so much, some of it pos. (like lady t letting you know she's on your side, and your body getting smaller, which is something you wanted to happen), some of it not so much, like avoiding conflict, feeling a bit overwhelmed, and cottonballs in your head.  may i make a suggestion?  like wife 2 would say, breathe.  just breathe.  so much is going on in your life, you're juggling a lot, and i think it can be difficult to figure out where your focus needs to be. 

our symptoms get in the way too often of our continuing on the path of healthy recovery.  i think our health, mental, emotional, physical, etc. is important for us, but the other stuff can get in the way and sidetrack us.  so, maybe taking a step back (and you have your whole roomie thing to contend with - that's such a biggie) and just letting things flow for a bit might be of some help.  i don't know, but maybe. 

you really are making progress, like battling those neg. urges, and now that you're also working on not using food to cover things up, you're feeling more as well.  it can be daunting.  so, in the spirit of wife2, just breathe for a bit, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with deep breaths and relief.   :hug:

Breathing sounds good right about now.
I realised on the bus on my way back home today that I spend so much energy trying to forget the past, to forget it's impact on me. And the rest of the energy I spend preparing and worrying for the next day. For the future. For example, I have saved up money for a vacation that's not happening, but instead of giving myself some leeway with the vacation that is happening in a few days I will put those money to a rainy day... Instead of living right here, right now.
This is just one example, but the easiest one to describe. I rarely if ever just live here and now. In this moment. It would benefit me if I could do more of being here and now. Instead of always in a place that does not yet exist. And never will.

I got a message from Lady T today and from the welfare lady. I got a meeting with the both of them next Wednesday. To discuss my application towards disability. I'm nervous. Like I told mr T today, I worry I will sell myself in the wrong direction. Sell myself as being more functional and we'll established than I am. I tend to pull myself together during important meetings, so people won't see me fall apart or notice something is off. It's automatic. Mr. T said I might have to share my story, to tell them this isn't something new. I've tried for 10 years. I'm too worn out, I got nothing more left to give. I need a break. I need stability.
I am not sure I can pull it off.

I feel you Sceal I've been struggling as my T says I've not been ok for a long while now.

And it's getting worse she thinks I should try medication and taking time off work to try to get more stable.  This scares me. Because I've always been able to function or at least fake function so no one notices that I'm on the edge of destruction.  But I can't take it anymore.  I think that why I'm not get the jobs I really need, though that's part of what's sending me over the edge.

I may be filing for disability soon as well.  Good luck my friend in sharing what's needs to be shared to get you what you need. :hug:

I know my limitations with face to face communication, especially with those I perceive as in authority over me. So I've started writing things down, like making lists of questions to ask or points to cover, or even writing out some history if I think that's going to be asked. I'm taking these things with me to my first appointment I have soon with a psychiatrist, my first ever visit to one.

hey, sceal, it's ok to be just as you are with these people, and not put on a front for them.   i know you know this, and as you said, putting on that 'front' has become automatic in our lives.  we've had to do it so many times, it's like muscle memory taking over.  good luck w/ it all, from my heart.  i'm pulling for you.  sending love and a hug full of care.   :hug:

Dear Tee. Perhaps your T is right? From what I understand you are very nearly close to a breaking point, maybe medication and a sick-leave is what you do need in order to get your head above water to get a few mouthfulls of air so you can continue the fight? It is scary, it will mean relying on your family for support as well. But maybe it's better before it's too late? Big hug and I hope you figure out what is best for you.

Dear Three Roses,
I tend to be portraying to be better than I am around others, especially important people. But with my Lady T there I hope she'll trigger me enough so that I can show part of who I am and not the "good, dutifully girl" image.
Writing things down might be an option, I'll think about it.

Dear San, thank you for your support.  :hug:
...
I am away on holiday to a big city with parts of my family. I am sharing a room with one of the family members and my PTSD got triggered the first night. We were both tired but had different needs. I needed the light off, she needed to be left alone. It ended with  me asking her to just go to the bathroom and do the brushing of teeth and such when she wasnt ready so she snapped at me.
I felt awful.
So stupid. I needed sleep. And I can't sleep with the light on.
I apologized the next day and so did she. So it worked out just fine. But I lay in bed ridden with guilt and fear for a few hours until I fell asleep. Although I didn't really sleep that first night.

The rest of the trip has been fine..no guilt over spending money. No uncomfortable encounters. Generally I feel better when I am far away from home. My home city that is. Which bothers me, because I like my city, but I think subconsciously I have too many deep seethed bad memories for me to truly relax and enjoy my home city

 :hug: I'm glad your able to work it out and enjoy your holiday. :hug:

Hi Sceal,
Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
I hope that you're able to enjoy your holiday - it sounds like you've been able to work through some challenging things.
Hope  :)

A hug from you is always welcome, Hope :) a gentle hug back.

My family is looking forward to returning home tomorrow. Not so much the travel time, but getting home. I am reminded of both my meeting on Wednesday, having to deal with all the people at work on Tuesday and my roomie.
All three none of what I would like to deal with. I have spent so much money. Insane amount, and I haven't even paid for flight or hotel. It would take me 3 years to save up to afford this I realized. It's a depressing thought.

Home again now. Home-home. Roomie was kind when I got in the door. He gifted me a book and I gifted him some travel stuff.
I was so dizzy when I got in the shower and weak afterwards.
I don't think I really realized how exhausted I have been. I am so worn now I just want to cry. Cry because of being exhausted not because of sadness. But I have no strength to cry. I have no strength to start relaxing my body and it's tensed up muscles. I'm in bed that's all I can do.

I hope you can get some rest.  :hug:

Thanks Snowdrop. I fell asleep eventually.

I am stuck in an emotional rut. I feel like everything I put effort into sucks and whenever I don't put effort into something that is what people like.

Every ounce of my being is currently screaming to go hide, to go avoid the mortal world and escape into a book.

i hear ya, sceal.  a book sounds lovely, actually.  sending love and hugs to you.   :hug:

I went into full panic attack yesterday before the Very Important Meeting. Thankfully Lady T arrived soon after I'd started going into a panic attack and she took me upstairs to the office and helped me calm down for 20 minutes before the the Very Important Meeting took place. I was so meek, there I was sitting. Letting them do most of the talking. My brain was a little out of it. But it didn't come crashing down around me, the meeting went my way. Though it is quite hard to hear that I have no future prospects in being able to work. Part of me wants to ignore that, and keep on fighting - keep on trying. Prove that I can do it. But it's been a long time now fighting this particular battle. I've not improved. I'm not going to. At least not while I am fighting other battles at the same time.

I don't know what I feel about it. I feel nothing. I suspect I'm avoiding feeling things to be honest. My favourite way of dealing with things: avoid it. I'm tired though. I got up and out of bed this morning, but just ended up snuggling up on the sofa for 6 hours afterwards. Not entirely sure if that constitutes as actually getting up. But it doesn't matter.

Had a fight with roomie at the end of the night yesterday. I was worn thin, I had no defences left when I finally got home. And we ended up talking about politics that somehow ended up in a conversation about mental issues and life. I was not prepared or in any state for these discussions or arguments. But I felt that I wasn't allowed to go to bed. Despite him telling me I could, I felt I couldn't.

I've been eating candy ever since we got back from our vacation. I think I am comfort eating. I'm trying very hard to do other things rather than grab that big white toblerone that I bought (why the f* did I buy it?). I feel terrible about it, but it's like I can't stop. I wonder if it's because at first I was dealing with the whole vacation and trying to land from that, then changes at work, then trying to both prepare and ignore the Very Improtant Meeting all at once (very exhausting and impractical thing to do, when I think about it. counter intuitive) and then now.. it's all empty. No more plans. Nothing more I need to prepare for, well.. except work next week and meeting my new supervisor all over again.
I think we might have gotten off on the wrong foot.

Or not really, there's no conflict. And she doesn't seem like she doesn't like me. She's new, and I guess it will take her a while to realize that I, like many others in that place, doesn't work as fast as other people do. She wanted to see my artworks, and I showed her. And she kept telling me I should try and make them larger, put more life into them, etc for the exhibition early next year. But I had to tell her that I've spent 8 months on the few images I have, I honestly don't have the capacity to actually do what she wants me to test out and try and play with. Regardless of how important and probably smart it is. I didn't say that last bit though. Perhaps I should have. It sucks that my two alliances left and I feel rather unsafe at work now. I think that's what's going on.
It might sound as if I can't handle critiques, I do. But I don't accept critiques on my work from everyone. It's a whole topic all on it's own. But it boils down to that I want to be in charge of when I am in need of feedback and from whom. The whom would be the people who know my artstyle and know what I am trying to convey with it. They don't have to like it, that's not the point. You don't go to the electrician and point out flaws in his toolbag, or how he goes about laying down the wires if you've no idea what he is actually up to doing. It's just rude.

sceal, there came a point in my life when i could no longer work.  i believed it was forever.  it was quite an adjustment to make, i didn't know how to feel about it, ran away to mexico.  i got to the point where i was pretty much house-bound, no energy or stamina.  even my beloved walks went by the wayside.  i was barely existing, in truth. 

20 yrs. later, i am walking nearly every day again, have been able to put some of my gifts and talents to use, altho in a limited way, and i'm able to be here for my d as she struggles to make it in her chosen field.  i'm also writing again, will possibly be able to publish a book or two by next year.  i can't do what i used to do, but some things are coming back.

my point is that i've been where you are, and i get it.  it can be a difficult pill to swallow, especially if you're used to being independent, creative, and constructive.  i believe you need some adjustment time to take all this in, let things begin to fall into place as they and you are able, and know that what's happening at this moment is not necessarily how it's going to be for the rest of your life.  you may need to change your priorities, whittle down the number of things you are able to accomplish right now, and allow that other things may be gone, or may temporarily be on hiatus.

as for your art, that is you and your creativity, not someone else's.  you have every right to know what you want to express and how.  people often offer suggestions to us whether we want them or not.  in one ear, out the other - you know what's best for you, and you can let that be.

i also agree w/ you that getting up, laying back down, taking naps, resting, relaxing, does not matter how it's done.  you take care of your most important responsibilities that are on a timetable, and the rest is your responsibility to yourself.  take care of you as it fits best, ok?

just my opinions, as always.  first and foremost, i'm with you, sweet sceal, and support your decisions, because i know you're doing the best for you possible.  to my mind, that's what counts most.  sending love and a hug filled w/ time.   :hug:

 :hug:

Mr T said last session that in his experience introvert people (he's not a therapist) often care so deeply about things/people, and when they get worried or stressed out about something they focus all their energy on some other problem. In his example he said that the introvert real problem is her relationship with a family member, but because it's such a tender thing she cares too much she focuses all her energy and focus on the problem with bees. And thus there is a discord within her, she's struggling with something but it's too difficult to deal with but she has to deal with something so she finds another (sometimes important) problem to focus on. One that is more understandable for the outside world, one that is explainable.  And one that doesn't necessarily mean as much personally.

I am not certain if this is an introvert particular trait. He himself is an extrovert. But I think this is very much what is going on with me right now. There is this something, something that hurts so much. The problem is I honestly doesn't know what that something is, I think I might be shielding myself. Or maybe it is just everything at once right now and it's a little much all on my own.

I feel more and more this younger person inside of me. Like the 9-10 year old me who would curl up and need comfort. Only there is no comfort to have anywhere.  There is no safe hug or someone to stroke my back as I rest against them. No one to soothe my worries and fear. Except me. And in this; I am not enough.
So I hide even more. From myself and those around me.
I need lady T, but out last session was used up with the Very Important Meeting. So there's another 2 weeks on my own before I see her.

 :hug: and much love.  would that i could send some real comfort to you, sweet sceal.

It makes sense to substitute in something you can deal with, over something that you can't. At least you're still making some progress that way. I hope you feel better soon Sceal. Take care! :)

Thank you both for your support, and for writing to me. Despite me not engaging widely otherwise at the forum these days. I try occationally, but I might miss out on alot of things happening with everyone. I am sorry for that.

I am not conviced that I am making any progress at all. The evidence is pointing in the oposite direction in-fact. I am avoiding people and situations more and more. I escape reality as much as I am capable of, either by simply not being present or when that's not possible I read. Fantasy, a book series I've read a handful of times so it doesn't require concentration. I am in a form of "survival mode". Things aren't as bad as they previously have been, I have made progress earlier... I'm just not making any progress now. I'm walking backwards.

I had two breakdowns at work today. The last one ended with me phoning Lady T. SH tendencies were high, I resisted because I called her. I broke down crying on the phone.

She gave me three tasks at the end of the phonecall. Activate my system by doing some high intensity activity (I decided to run up the four flights of stairs back to work) then breathe calminly in, and think "Everything will be okay" breathing out. And third to write down the reasons for the choice of applying for disability now. The pro's and cons.  All in order to help me back inside the window of tolerance and dampen the emotional responce I was feeling.

I told her I feel the by applying for disability I'm both giving up and that I was scared I hadn't fought hard enough. That'd I'd made mistakes, that I am not strong enough, didn't fight this * in a better, more cleverer way. That I'd beat it, or at least improve enough to work in some capacity. She told me that it's not unheard of to feel like this during depression and due to my cptsd. I guess it was nice of her to tell me that. She told me I keep on fighting, even when I'm down on all four. That I'm not giving up. I know that is my super-power. The not giving up thing. It's just.. I feel so utterly useless, and overwhelmed. And alone in dealing with this. I can't call anyone for comfort. I can't show my family how I'm doing. They wont understand I think, or they would be angry for holding things secret from them. I don't want to tell them, although I think my sister suspects. She said something in london, she wanted to tell me about a book series, but she wasn't certain if I would want to hear about it... because it's about r*. That took me aback a bit. She's right, I don't want to hear about it, but I tried to act nonshalant about it. Like it didn't affect me, simply that I didn't enjoy such books. Didn't interest me so much. But I don't think I fooled her.
She's never asked. I don't think she will either.

I have work again tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. It feels like everything I touch at work is broken, destroyed and awful. Like, it's not worthy. It's definitevly not good enough for an exhibition. Some people are trying to tell me "but does any artist think that their art is good enough?", the answer is no, but that's not the point. Many artists, despite not loving their work, will be able to tell if their work is good enough for a gallery show or not.
I'm also having nightmares about the opening now. It's still 5 months away. It's a little too soon to start having nightmares about it. Both of the safe supervisors at work that I could have talked to about this, are gone. They wouldn't have laughed at me, or soft-talked to me. They'd given me reality checks and helped me figure out what is the right option here. The other two there this week.. I don' t know them, I don't really trust them... And I don't trust that they can thread carefully while honestly at the same time. Sometimes, quite often, it's more about how you say something...

sitting quietly with you, sceal, if you'd like to.  know that you are loved for who you are, not for what you do.   :hug:

Dear Sceal, sending you lots of care and hugs.  :hug: You made a good, healthy decision to call Lady T.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 09, 2019, 09:10:06 PM
know that you are loved for who you are, not for what you do.   :hug:

:yeahthat:

I'm glad you were able to reach out to Lady T. Sending you a :hug: if that helps.

 :hug: Sceal you're important and loved and I so appreciate you checking on me.  I wish there was more I could do for you. But I'm here sending you good vibes.  And know exactly how you feel when your down with no one to turn to. :hug:

Hi sceal
Sounds like you have had a rough time lately, I really empathise with a lot of your words, and was thinking of the exhibition you were talking of, I hardly ever let anyone see my art, and find it difficult to judge how good it is, though some art I've seen in galleries is not so crash hot, not knowing what your work is like.  Anyway it is a courageous step and you should be proud of your courage instead of worried about the quality. Although I do understand that as I don't have the courage to show my work at all, sorry I think I'm rambling
I just wanted to say it's brave

Dear Sceal,
Just sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
I also want to send you some good vibes.
Hope  :)

I am sorry I haven't responded to anyone. I will try and remember to do that tomorrow when I am on the pc and I can read and reply without scrolling, like I have to on my phone.

Alot is going on. Or it feels like it. It also feels that there keeps popping up new things and I can't deal with it all at once. And I don't know which end to start or which to leave to the last...
It's overwhelming.

I started dissociating again today. It's been over 6 months since last time, at least that I have been aware of.

The beginning of the day was nice actually. I woke up on my own. No alarm. I had breakfast, then a little while later I worked out. Sweat was dripping. I worked out so hard even I could smell that I smelled bad. It's not often you manage to smell yourself without trying to sniff yourself, if you know what I mean. I got in the shower and when I got out of it the sun was still shining and I felt like going for a hike. I knew I would have plenty of time before my session with Lady T.  I finished my hike and drove up to mom's to have a cup of coffee and a change of clothes. I had a nice day dress on. Tights and a very comfy indoor jacket. I felt kind of cute.  Wednesday is my day off from work, from art from everything "shoulds" because it's therapy day. well every second Wednesday is therapy day... so, Drove off to my therapy session.
And as I pulled up to the department I saw someone from my past walking down and away.
Someone not nice. Someone from the "cult". Someone I never wanted to ever see again. Except for the fact that he was jealous of me and didn't like me. He never hurt me, just made things difficult. I feel I should say he was not an abuser. But... That doesn't matter much to PTSD.  He is a trigger. He is now making my therapy very difficult.
I went into freezd-panic mode. I could barely walk, let alone look at Lady T when she came to get me.
"Does she know who he is? Does he work for her? Does he work here? Does he work in the care facility next door? Is he a patient? Did he just came from a hike from the forest behind? Will I see him again? Does he have access to my patient journal? Can I trust Lady T, truly? Has he read my journal? Will he rapport seeing me to the "cult"? Did he notice me? Will they be observing me again? Am I safe? Does he live in the area now? Can I go out and about? Or will I run into him? Will I see him on the bus?...."

I couldn't bring up the topic I really needed to talk about today. I was too consumed. I still am.

Am I safe enough?

i hate when those triggers pop up out of nowhere - they can knock us off our foundation, for sure!  i know you're safe, but that doesn't count - you have to know it.  i hope you can talk to lady t about this, maybe get some reassurance about him. 

my sweet sceal, i'm just sorry you're so overwhelmed.  sending you love and a hug full of reassurance and strength.   :hug:

That would have made me want to run away! You're brave to have gone to that appointment anyway. I believe you are safe, but I hope you can bring this up with Lady T.

I think I would have reacted in a similar way. I hope you're feeling safer today and that you can speak to Lady T about it.

Lady T found me shivering and hyperventilating outside the toilets yesterday. She made me confront my anxiety alot yesterday. I knew in a way I was safer inside because the doors are locked after 1530. We talked about the anxiety. I didn't tell her I am having trust issues with her now. Because I desperately want those thoughts to go away..I desperately need to trust her.  Besides, how could I tell her I don't trust her, she's been there for me for the past 3 years.

I read her journal entry today. Apparently she considers me to be on the borders of a paranoid psychosis. Dunno what to think or feel about that just yet. So I am going to ignore that bit.

I am however going to figure out if he works in the building near by. And I am going to petition the health department to find out who has been in my patient journal.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 18, 2019, 10:57:57 PM
  i know you're safe, but that doesn't count - you have to know it.

Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this! So much!

Hi Sceal,
I hope that you're able to find out more about this guy, and I hope that your petition to the health department is helpful too.
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope. I am going to give it a few days before I send the petition in.

Thank you too, Three Roses and Snowdrop for reading and giving me words of support.
:hug: if it is okay.

It really bothers me. It bothers me that I am now questioning Lady T. Is she trustworthy? I wouldn't have questioned her if I hadn't seen him there. But that doesn't mean she would have been trustworthy just because I didn't question it, I just wouldn't have known to question it. And now, a part of me feel it is unfair to judge her like this. She has done nothing by fight for me and support me.

I am noticing I am reading more into people too now. And keeping my emotional and physical distance. It's not good. My head, Shoulders, lower back and stomach hurts. I think it's just physical attributions to what I am feeling, but I've distanced myself from emotions. I feel physical pain and tiredness, but I don't really feel much emotions.
Man I wish it wasn't Friday tomorrow.

Sorry to hear you had the run-in which upset you so. I hope you feel better soon, and don't have anymore unwanted episodes like this. Take care! :)

Thank you Jazzy.
I was listening to this podcast yesterday, I think it was, and someone said that one of the big generals of the roman empire wrote a daily journal about what he would do if he'd meet * people, and how he'd handle the situation. not in a way to complain, or worship dark thoughts, or to get stuck in a rut of negativity. But to prepare himself should the shittyness arrive. His journal wasn't meant for the public, but I guess that's what happens when you become an historic person.

Anyway, I thought that was a good way to deal with it. And I'm wondering if I can find a way to do the same thing, and therefore be prepared when the * does happen. Then I do have a plan, rather than being taken aback and get forced into panic and hopelessness. I've no idea how to go about this, if I should write a journal, or if I should make a cheat sheet. I'll have to think a little bit more on how I think this could work to my benefit rather than destruction.

I am also noticing a pattern.
I am sleeping less because my thoughts are spinning. Not on destructive, paranoid, fear based *. No. On new projects, new ideas, new things to do. Which  I then intend to do. I start research mode, and I start reaching out to people and organizations saying I'm doing this thing and looking for advice/their thoughts. Which is things I don't normally do, normally I don't reach out to strangers and ask for things. I also normally don't start making new projects and planning them when I am about to go to sleep. This is something I've done in the past when things are really too hard for me, instead of dealing with the things that bothers me I bury the emotions and I pile on more tasks and stress.

I'm not a seamstress, yet somehow I decided that this week-end I'm going to fix two dresses, one fancy trouser, one down-winter coat (any idea how annoying it is to have down flying everywhere?), a t-shirt, a nightie, and a knitted sweater. When I should be preparing to be hostess next week, and be preparing for my two upcoming gallery shows that are so far behind schedule I don't know what to do. And then of course it's the emotionality around my roomate, my future, my economy, my trust in my therapist, my own mental and physical health.

I signed up for a boxing gym. I've never boxed in my entire life. I am a pacifist.

I know this is happening, I can see them happening. And yet, I'm not at a stage where I think these things are actually a legitimate problem. I still honestly believe I have everything under control.
So I am writing all of this down, semi-publicly, in hopes that when I do go to bed soon, or tomorrow. I will realize that the only thing I will accomplish this week-end is finishing that jacket, go for a hike and start dialing down on project planning. Hopefully.
If it doesn't work,
I will attempt to hold my self accountable with Mr T on Tuesday, or potentially even call my GP. Those two still doesn't have a trust issue claim against them. So right now they are still safe.

* I really need to get rid of this trust-issue towards Lady T!.

wow!  you're dealing with so much inside your head.  i think it might be helpful to somehow get it out of you on paper, in words, doodles, whatever works for you.  i know people who make lists before they go to bed so they know they won't have to think about them while they're trying to sleep, and it seems helpful for them.  my d does something similar, but her list is in the morning.  it's helped her a lot with the stress of it.

i'm not trying to diagnose or anything, but are you running a little manic right now?  i've had times like that, when it seems like everything has the same priority, and i want to do all of it, even tho it's not possible.

sceal, i don't understand the trust issue w/ lady t.  is it because she didn't let you know that guy was in the vicinity?  would that be someone she'd know?  or know how he affects you?  i guess i'm a bit confused.  you don't have to explain, i don't have to know.  just curious.

anyway, i hope you can get thru some of this to your satisfaction.  keep taking care of you, ok?  sending love and a hug filled with support.   :hug:

That journal sounds pretty interesting. I'd love to read it; hopefully it has some good ideas.

I was thinking what sanmagic said, it sounds like a manic phase. Not to say that is bad either, I love my manic phases... its just important to be aware and manage expectations of yourself, but it sounds like you've already got that done (writing it all out), so that's great.

I really hope you work things out with your Lady T. It sounds like she has been very good for you so far.

Take care Sceal :)

I haven't been very good at replying to you guys. When you take the time to read my vulnerability and get back to me. I am sorry about that, but please know that I am thinking about you all and wondering how you are all doing. I am not in a place where I can read other people's journals right now. I need to be more stable for that.

Dear San,
I have tried the lists before..they don't really help me much, they tend to end up as brainstorming and it just gets me started.

I know I sound like I am on the verge of a mini-manic phase. But I am not convinced that that's where I am headed. It's too soon to tell I guess. I don't feel high on the world or think I am grandiose in any sense. Tbh, I don't think I am much of anything.

As for the Trust with the Lady T. It's exactly as you ask. Because he was in her workspace neighborhood. It doesn't take much to get my paranoia spinning. But because he was there I can't guarantee that he's not been to see her, and she can't tell me due to patient confidentiality. I don't think she'd breach that, but that doesn't mean he can't talk about me and influence her. And I know that it's stupid. I feel so rotten for thinking these thoughts because she had done nothing but been on my side these past (soon) three years that I have known her. It feels much longer tbh.

Jazzy: I found the name of the Roman who wrote that journal it was Marcus Aurelius. I haven't read more about him or about stoicism, I haven't had the time.

I agree with you, during manic phases everything feels great. Flooded by positive hormones. I miss that feeling, but I don't miss the consequences that tends to come afterwards. I'm not bipolar, so I don't get big highs. I've only had one tbh, and it was what they call a- I forget the word. I seem to be losing words alot today. But like a mini manic.

I haven't talked to Lady T yet. She's supposed to call me sometime this week to let me know when my next appointment is. I will have to figure out what I feel about her by then.

...

The weekend went fine. I slept less than I normally do. I think maybe around 4-5 hours a night. It's too little for me, as long as it doesn't last I will be fine. I finished the down jacket. It was a pain, I wouldn't recommend anyone opening up a down jacket to downsize it. Down everywhere. I also finished fixing my knitted sweater, started on the fancy trousers and a dress. I went on two leisurely bike rides. Cuddled the dogs alot. Read my book, sun bathed, made art.

Monday I went to work knowing I would have to face my new supervisor that I am still on the fence of. And my new co-workers...or rather one of them that I can't place. The new supervisor ended up being very helpful and taught me stuff and helped me troubleshoot some stuff. It was a very productive day. So I am warning up to her. She is okay, but I don't think I will connect with her. I found a way to avoid my new co-workers too. I can choose to do printmaking on Mondays. She's not there during Tuesdays. So then I get my room on my own again. I am considering changing from Thursday to Fridays. Then I will have peace too.  But Lady T would challenge me on this and say I am avoiding and Mr T would tell me I am being unfair and judge to fast. And they would both be right... I am not sure if Right Now is the time where I should or want to work on that particular bit though. It's not... I feel... A priority.

Mr T and I had a lengthy conversation today about paranoia and my increased suspiciousness. It was an interesting conversation, he is pushing me and my assumptions. I told him last session he could and he really went for it today. There will be a day when I regret this. He told me that I am still on the defensive. Which surprised me a little, because I didn't feel like I was. But he also said he finds it really interesting to talk to me. I asked him why (I have learned to sometimes ask why when people compliment me and I don't understand where it's coming from). He said it's because eventhough I get on the defensive and have all the answers ready he can also see that I am thinking and considering the things he says to me.

He also asked me about how suspicious am I of new people. I told him I don't know. How can I know if my carefulness is just that or if it is suspiciousness? It's automatic, it happens too quickly for me to always realize what I am doing.  But it got me thinking... What is normal level of suspiciousness? I guess it's cultural differences too. There are places where I can't just wander about without inciting suspicion in why I am there, even if all I do is paint or draw. And that makes sense. So when does it not make sense?

He asked me if my paranoia is genetic or if it isn't. I told him I don't know. I didn't (during the conversation) remember feeling paranoid before my involvement with "The Cult".  But I was. When I was 19-22or somewhere around there I would frequently believe that people were out to get me. For no good reason. But at those times I was under so much pressure I was in a psychotic episode. I kept hearing and seeing the shadows of attack dogs outside the buildings I was in. I kept feeling the buildings were going to crumble and fall ontop of me, I could hear the sirens of the police looking for me. I never knew why. I wasn't anyone special..I hadn't done anything. But those things doesn't matter at all in those moments. It's a breach of reality. It's The Truth, even if it's not actually happening. Even if doesn't make sense.
I had forgotten about those times. I haven't been thinking about those for years and years. Somehow it feels like someone elses life, not mine. But it was mine. And it is just 10 years ago. Not 20 like it feels like. I don't have a well defined sense of time. It confuses me and stress me out.

In two days I am going to be a hostess for 5 people coming from abroad. I am not prepared. It's not good timing, but they are coming and I will try to make the best out of it. Maybe it is a break that I do need.. maybe it'll break me further down. Well know by next week I suppose.

Quote from: Sceal on September 24, 2019, 07:25:04 PM
As for the Trust with the Lady T. It's exactly as you ask. Because he was in her workspace neighborhood. It doesn't take much to get my paranoia spinning. But because he was there I can't guarantee that he's not been to see her, and she can't tell me due to patient confidentiality. I don't think she'd breach that, but that doesn't mean he can't talk about me and influence her. And I know that it's stupid. I feel so rotten for thinking these thoughts because she had done nothing but been on my side these past (soon) three years that I have known her. It feels much longer tbh.

Sceal, what you are going through sounds horrible. Glad you are posting here and talking to Mr. T.

I know that you feel like you shouldn't have those thoughts about Lady T, but you do. Your fears are rooted in past reality, so understandable. My guess is that Lady T would understand that and not take your gap in trust personally. Also, if you do tell her what is going on with you, it is up to her to determine what she can or can't tell you. She might be able to give you reassurance without breaking patient/therapist confidentiality.

i agree all the way with notalone.  i'm very sorry this is happening, these terrible suspicions and how they're hurting you.  i hope they settle down and give you some peace quickly.

sending love and a hug full of caring and comfort.   :hug:

Thank you for the name. I made a note of that. I hope it goes well with your visitors. Take care! :)

QuoteHe told me that I am still on the defensive. Which surprised me a little, because I didn't feel like I was.

I've heard this before, too, when I wasn't feeling defensive. I think defensiveness is kind of my default when dealing with people. I've been misunderstood so much in my life (as all of us here have been) that it sends to be my go-to for interaction. 😞

Quote from: notalone on September 24, 2019, 07:46:42 PM
I know that you feel like you shouldn't have those thoughts about Lady T, but you do. Your fears are rooted in past reality, so understandable. My guess is that Lady T would understand that and not take your gap in trust personally. Also, if you do tell her what is going on with you, it is up to her to determine what she can or can't tell you. She might be able to give you reassurance without breaking patient/therapist confidentiality.

I got so desperate today I ended up calling my GP to get an appointment, luckily she was available today. And we talked about it. She said alot of the same things you're telling me, she also thinks it'd be good practice for me to tell her I mistrust her slightly now and I don't actually want to mistrust her.  All of me kind of just want to ignore this whole bit and move on. my GP said I could do that, but she thinks that'd make my therapy more ineffective. She might be right, and I dislike that :P

Thank you San and Jazzy. hug!

Quote from: Three Roses on September 25, 2019, 03:24:25 PM

QuoteHe told me that I am still on the defensive. Which surprised me a little, because I didn't feel like I was.

I've heard this before, too, when I wasn't feeling defensive. I think defensiveness is kind of my default when dealing with people. I've been misunderstood so much in my life (as all of us here have been) that it sends to be my go-to for interaction. 😞

Did you figure out what it is you're doing that makes it seem like you're on the defensive?

---
I went and checked who's been in my journal again. I ended up reading parts of my own patient journal. It's never a good read. It's hard. I read parts of my journal where they were debating various diagnoses on me. at one point they wrote they think I fit under several of them, but they chose to label me as cPTSD and Mixed PD.  I don't know what to think of it, made me feel quite sucky. I try so hard, I realize, to belong in the normal world. with normal healthy folks. I think I just fail all the time.

Good thing though, I went on a hike today and it was nice. lovely nature, peaceful. it was nice stretching the legs.
tomorrow im going to be a hostess for half a week. I'm suddenly nervous. i have managed to prepare almost everything. almost. the rest will just have to go as it goes. it's just friends anyway.

hey, sceal,

i remember when you got that diagnosis thing going. the thing with c-ptsd is that it can present in so many different ways, and clinicians want their diagnoses to be neat and tidy.  i was originally diagnosed with anxiety disorder, then it went to bi-polar, major dep. - all over the map, really.  insurance companies want to know about diagnoses so they can determine how much help they'll pay for.  there's so much bull going on in a bureaucratic way with this stuff.  clinicians do the best they can, but they don't always know exactly what to do.

what i'm saying is that you are so much more than your diagnoses, sweetie.  honestly, you are, we are.  you are so individual, so sweet, so caring, and have been mightily wounded.  those wounds and neg. messages you've gotten about yourself, well, they are what you are working to heal from.  i'm ok with the label of c-ptsd for myself because it really is so broad, it leaves lots of room for what has happened, how i've responded to it, and what i want to do to heal from it. 

being a hostess with the mostess for several days (and several friends) seems like a pretty 'normal' type of thing to do.  you do those kinds of things a lot, and you're successful at them. 

maybe you don't want to hear this, but as a t myself, i agree with your GP about telling lady T how you feel.  since you know she's been in your corner for 3 yrs., you also know that your relationship with her has been working through both pos. and neg. times.  she sounds like she is on your side and would want to know how you're feeling.  i think it's so much harder struggling with these kinds of things alone.  whatever you choose to do, tho, i totally support you.

sending love and a hug filled with a good time w/ your friends.   :hug:

Hey San  :hug:
The strange part is that I don't remember these times when I was re-diagnosed. It says it my journal that I was involved in discussing my diagnosis. I have no recollection of being suggested schizotyp affective disorder. That of course doesn't mean it didn't happen, I was probably too distanced from that time that it got stored in my long term memory. I hope that their final conclusion is the right one and that I actually don't have schizotyp.

You're right,  ;) I don't want to hear it, but I also do want to hear it. 😝 I know I need to talk to her, but I am terrified that it will create a conflict, a wedge or that I would end up hurting/disappointing/offending Lady T... When she most likely hasn't even done anything.. she might possibly just have been in the vicinity of him. And that's not fair... But then... There is that small chance that he is trying to poison her against me. And it feel SO ridiculous to say that out loud. I just want to get rid of this feeling.

sweet sceal,

i hope you don't have that particular malady, either.  i just remember you writing about your diagnoses, and you were quite upset at the time.  i can't say for sure, cuz i don't know you face to face, but a lot of symptoms for personality disorders are also symptoms for c-ptsd, which is only lately getting the attention it deserves.

i get it that it's scary to tell lady t your real feelings.  as a t, i honestly would want to hear about it, because all a client's feelings, thoughts, perceptions, etc. are important to the process of healing.  if i don't know what's going on, i can't help my client work thru it and get beyond it.  and, therapists can have a lot of different kinds of these scenarios between them and their clients - it's part of the therapeutic process.  you may feel ridiculous, but the trigger of your feelings is not ridiculous.  you suffered so much w/ that cult, it's not ridiculous that extreme feelings might come up.  again, tho, i support whichever way you want to go.

sending love, sceal, and a hug filled with strength.   :hug:

I'm still hosting, but wanted to pop by. It is wonderful to have them all visiting. So many good conversations without them being super deep, complicated or with tricky themes. But fun, nerdy stuff from various ages with people who doesn't judge.

One of my friends here I have known for 15 years now. And I have always know if that I a fiercely loyal to him, and also protective. Although he has never needed either, not from me. And that might be why. Or part of it. It's great getting hugs from him and I wish I would dare to ask for more of them. But I am worried it would send the wrong message.

thanks for dropping in and letting us know it's going great.   :cheer:  i never had a doubt - you do this kind of thing really well.  love and hugs, sweet sceal,

The weekend went beyond expectations.
I miss them already. Actually I missed them when they left.

I was going to write about the week-end and the surprising emotions around it and discoveries thereabouts. But instead I ended up in yet another huge fight.
I don't think I've ever raised my voice this loudly before. I yelled the big word. the R* word I've not been able to even pronounce or even write before. It just came out. I wasn't even filled with rage. I'd just had enough. Enough prodding and prodding and prodding. "why did we break up" over and over and over again. How many "#)&#/¤&"=! do I have to answer this * awful question and be reminded over and over and "#%( over again.
I feel disgusting. I didn't mean to blow up. I didn't mean to make him cry like a baby with an anxiety attack. I did that. I don't like that I did that. And yet I feel empty. Which also disgusts me.

I hope that this emptyness really do mean that I am done and that it's not a temporary thing. I can't keep trying to save someone or a friendship who doesn't want to listen to me. This really sucks because I had such beautiful good days.

i'm glad the weekend went so well, and sorry to hear about the fight.  maybe you needed to get it all out and that's the way it finally happened.  at any rate, sending love and a hug full of the fun memories from your weekend.   :hug:

No, I don't want it out. It's my story to tell, not to be backed up in a corner and yell it because I feel there's no way out.
I never intended on telling him.

oh dear, i'm very sorry it didn't go the way you wanted, sceal.  also sorry if my words were incorrect or insensitive.  i didn't mean them to be.  sending love and hugs   :hug: :hug:

I didn't think they were insensitive, I think you just misunderstood me :)  :hug:

I haven't actually talked to him today besides "hi, how was your day? Fine. yours? fine."

I had my session with Lady T today. It was a good session. I managed to tell her that I've had mistrust issues with her. I was struggling with the words, because I felt awkward and like accusatory. And hadn't really thought it through how I was going to actually say it. But she guessed it. relieving me of the stress of actually saying it. She told me a personal story about trust and feedback too, which was amusing (because she started to swear.. and she's not native to my tongue so she has a bit of an accent when she speaks).  I felt rejuvinated when I left, and then I met up with another support person for dinner. And we got to talking about fun stuff which made us both giggle like teenagers. It was nice!

I feel stronger. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it is that I know some more of my boundaries.
The fight yesterday, although awful. It's teaching me that I can stand up for myself now. Teaching me that I wont be pushed down and forced into feelings of guilt.  I am feeling slightly bad though, of course. But not as bad as I used to be. And it might not last for very long - or might even work with other people. But it's working right now.

i'm so glad, sceal.  i was worried - i never want to upset you.  i'll be more careful with my words.

i'm also so glad you talked to lady t and everything turned out well, and you felt good about it.  i love that you and your friend ended up with the giggles - so fun!

plus, that the fight ended up with you learning something pos. about your boundaries and standing up for them - that's so great!

as a follow-up, i watched the second episode of the tv series 'prodigal son', and while it's intense, i'm going to watch it again.  i don't know what direction the main character will eventually go - he's dealing with a lot - but i think they're capturing the effects of trauma, symptoms, how it interferes, family issues - all kinds of stuff we talk about here.  i don't know if it's for everyone, but it's interesting to me to see this played out on the screen.  mental health issues, especially trauma, have not always gone very in-depth. 

love and hugs   :hug:

Sceal, thumbs up for telling Lady T about the trust issues. I know this has been weighing on you. I also know it was a risk to tell her. Good job.  :applause:

Sounds like great progress Sceal; good job! :)

I am stronger than I used to be.
I feel guilt, but not too much that it is crippling me down and making me back down. It's unpleasant to live here, and if I don't move this friendship will never have a chance to become.. well a friendship again. We are keeping eachother down, and even if he doesn't want to realize it - that will be his problem and not mine. I am, as many has tried to tell me for years, not responsible for him. He is an adult.
I think it's taken me this long to stop this behaviour because it means giving up on someone. On someone that loves me and who has been there. But just because it's not working out doesn't mean that he is a jerk, and it doesn't mean that I'm being a b*. We are simply just not good for eachother, and we both deserve better.

Although I realise this now, that I have half a foot to stand on, I hope I will manage to stay strong with this for the remainer of the time we live together.
Which is, I think, going to be a constant uphill battle for the next few months.

I talked to Mr. T today, as I might have mentioned previously, I gave him permission to nitpick, to ask questions and to push me. And he really did take it to heart. Today he said he thinks that I'm not so sick as I make myself out to be. It was hard to hear, but I think it has some merits. What he meant is that I've locked myself into a pattern that keeps me frozen in time rather than moving forward and using the tools and skills that I got to my own advantage. I'm not sure how to break this pattern, but I see there is some truth to what he is saying - some of the time. Right now I am not knee-deep in a depression and it's easier to see things more clearly, and as I stated earlier in this post that I feel stronger. That also helps me seeing things more clearly. It was hard to hear though, and I even dared to tell him I do not fully agree. But what happened instead of me feeling like I had to defend myself, explain myself, was that I felt hopeful. Hopeful that I might have the chance to work 40-50% sometime in not too far a future. Which would push me just over the poverty lines.

So although, there are challenges - some of them have now become less impactful, or I've faced them and they're not as big bad wolves as I feared they'd be, and some are on the horizon. But I will deal with them when they arrive, not before.

I see your strength and courage in giving Mr. T permission to question and push you. I see your wisdom in looking at what he said and asking yourself what part of that has validity. Love that you are feeling hopeful.

Quote from: Sceal on October 07, 2019, 08:29:33 PM
So although, there are challenges - some of them have now become less impactful, or I've faced them and they're not as big bad wolves as I feared they'd be, and some are on the horizon. But I will deal with them when they arrive, not before.

:cheer:

 :yeahthat:  sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity.   :hug:

Thank you guys  :hug:

I see a lot of strength and courage too, Sceal.  :applause: :applause:

 :hug:

Something strange happened yesterday. Someone allowed someone else to copy my work and is now asking me if I think it's okay. ( There's a bit more to it, but I don't want to explain too much. This is the gist of it though). My initial reaction was bafflement, confusion and slight amusement. Because someone thought I was good enough to be copied is such an incredible strange concept to me. I didn't respond until today though, but I decided to let them know that what they did wasn't in good faith, and I am not too happy about it.  I tried to be firm yet friendly. It was a good opportunity for me to practice standing up for myself.
Which also baffles me. Two weeks ago this would have created such an anxiety ridden problem. I wouldn't have known how to deal with it. It's crazy.

to my eyes, this is another example of your strength shining through, sceal.  more progress - well done!   :thumbup:  love and hugs, sweetie. :hug:

Thank you.  I am surprised by myself. It is quite pleasant. I just hope it lasts for a while.

Hi Sceal,
I hope it lasts too.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope. A hug from you are always welcome :)

--
Last week was full of meetings after meetings after meetings. I worked extra. I was exhausted. I just wanted to lie down and hide in my bed.
Someone is being forced out from work against their will, or so it appears. there's stuff around the next exhibition and the last one. And planning and things that could be improved. and just general hecticness. and somewhat poor managing style. Although nice enough people. And some bad news dropped in my lap for my future.. Or potentially bad news.

Took the day off on monday. Went in on tuesday. been home since.
Saw my GP on wednesday. Got my flu shot, my b12 shot, and general well wishes and such. I felt fine, optimistic. But that was before my session with Lady T. Lady T was going through the rapport she has to write for me to apply for disability. It was... a suckerpunch. She hates writing them, because she doesn't know what my prognosis is, and she stopped a few times and said she didn't fully agree with what she's written. but in order for me to get a win, it's how she has to phrase things.
At the time, sitting there hearing it I felt.. very little. a bit nauseous at times, but mainly nothing. It was hard to focus.  When I got home yesterday I felt it sinking in. I was exhausted. I just kept staring at the clock willing it to go faster so I could go sleep.

Today I've been in and out of bed all day. I just want to lie under the blanket and pretend that a particular person is just holding me. And that's it. i don't want anything else. I don't want to feel anything. That rapport basically says I'm useless and worthless and I wont be able to function at a job.
I wish i was a tiny bit less ambitious. or dumber, so I wouldn't understand or feel that everything is in ruins. That I will never amount to anything.

I called Lady T today and left a message, I hope she'll call me tomorrow. I need to know what she do think about me, if she didn't believe in everything she wrote. I need to know if she thinks better of me or worse. I desperatedly hope it's better.

dear sceal,

from a t perspective, i know that these reports are worded a certain way so as to ascertain the 'need' of an individual.  it is bureaucratic in scope, has to be done a specific way with specific indications.  i know of t's who literally forged reports in order to get their clients the best help available.  because insurance and other benefits are set up to show an illness perspective, the reality of your wellness and all the parts of you that function well and can be improved have to be hidden.  it's a sucky way to go about it, and therapists hate it. 

i'm sorry  about this, i truly am.   i'm glad you messaged your t to ask about it.  sending you love and a hug filled w/ positivity. :hug:

Its a really tough thing to deal with Sceal. I had a * of a time with my disability papers. Some of the things they put in those reports are extremely negative, but probably exaggerated, and likely won't last forever. Hoping it all goes smoothly, and you can get through this soon. Take care! :)

Thank you both.

I am well known about the "language" of medical rapports and journal rapports. I worked within the healthcare system for some years and I wrote enough of them myself. I didn't treat patients per say, but I dealt with them and had to put that on record. So I also read a bunch of them. But back then... It was a weekly thing, it was easier to read what the "language" really said. And it so differes depending on who wrote it and who didn't, how well they could phrase themselves.
Logically I know this is just how it has to be.

But emotionally, which sits deeper than my logic.. It just hurts. It underlines everything I've always told myself, and it sucks. I thought I had accepted the fact that disability is what I have to do (for a few years), to be able to breathe a little. To feel like I'm in control, and not under the thumb of someone else out there. Above me, who I've never met. Where I live I don't have to have health insurance. Almost no one has one. Health insurance is something that will give you more money should you ever go on disability later in life: and so basically you need to have your parents get that insurance for you. Because if you get sick young, you wont be eligible. Like I wont be. But it doesn't really matter. Because the social system in which I live in is fairly strong, although the politician keeps cutting funds from the weakest groups. Very much like the Sheriff of Nottingham. It's only too bad that even if there were a Robin Hood, he or she wouldn't be able to actually stop the Sheriffs of today. It breaks my heart.

i agree, the entire system is heartbreaking, and difficult to deal with.  i'm just sorry you're having to go thru this, see and hear the words.  sending love and a hug filled w/ compassion, sweetie. :bighug:

💔 :hug:

I am trying to focus on other things. Better things.
But, it's there in the background. I feel split in two. A part of mine is disconnected from that world and is hiding in my friendships and in books and games and stories. And I am seriously thinking that I am escaping mentally. I can't escape from the situation I am in, I can't run away. So the only option left for me is to focus all my energy on my hobbies. Question I am wondering.. is it a healthy escape. Or not? And would I even know the true answer to that?

I am also focusing too much energy on one person. I want to impress this person, I want to be close. But I can't. It's not within my rights. This person is married. This is not okay for me, these feelings I am having. I am not even sure if it is romantically or if it is just... That I need this persons strange, magical friendship at a deeper level. I keep feeling like I am bothering this person a bit too much and that I should keep my distance. Yet I can't remember if I did that before I got like this..

Wow Sceal, that really connects. Some deep questions for sure, I hope you find some answers that you are at peace with.

Thanks Jazzy. I intended to bring this up during my meeting with Mr. T today. But I forgot. This is a new thing. Or not really new-new.. but more it's been a while since I used to forget so much. I forget words more and more, and I forget things I was planning on saying and doing. I am scared of early onset Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's have always been my biggest fear amongst diseases. I don't want to get stuck in my past. This is probably an overreaction.

I went hiking last Friday after having a phonecall with Lady T. I was alone amongst the trees, river and mountains. I love that particular area, but unfortunately I ended up in a full blown panic attack. I haven't had a panic attack in a while, and then I usually find them worse to deal with. I had a passing thought of "what if the house burnt down and it was my fault?!" I couldn't let it go. I ran back down to the car and speed home and all the while imagining finding buttloads of firetrucks dowsing a fire where I live. And then my roomie would be homeless and so would my landlords. And it would have been my fault.  This didn't happen though. The stove was turned off and so was the radiator. Everything was just fine.  But it left me exhausted and nervous to leave the apartment for the next few days. Today is the first time I would leave the house other than going to the store. But it still makes me a little nervous.

dear sceal, so very sorry you're going thru this.  i, too, have bouts of memory loss and it is frightening to think that my brain might be deteriorating.  when i think of it, i'm able to tell myself that there is so much in there, it's tough to keep track of it all,   :fallingbricks:   and also that as i keep working to heal, my mind is getting changed over and over as well. :stars:  i hope that's what's happening anyway.

unfortunately, i don't always remember to think about those aspects, and just get frightened, like you.  here's to having faith that we are going thru a rough patch in our journey, and our brains are dealing w/ it as best they can.  :thumbup:  love and hugs, sceal. :hug:

I am now scared that it is vitamin B1 deficiency. After the surgery uptake of things might be changed. If it is thus, I hope I've caught it early enough to reverse it.

I am also now on a tryout session for martial arts. * was I thinking? I'm so scared I am nauseous. But I am also damned pleased with myself that I managed to actually walk through the door.
I know absolutely nothing about this kind of workouts. None. I don't know what to expect other than getting it all wrong and being exhausted afterwards. I hope it will be fun. I hope it will give me a sense of accomplishment.

Right now I feel like I can take on ANYTHING!
I feel so incredibly GREAT!

Going to this workout.. I can't describe to you how incredible important this was! And I didn't even know it.
The reason why I wanted to try it out was because I was fed up feeling weak. I was recently triggered by seeing someone from the cult. And I thought it was time I made my body strong enough so I could throw a punch if I need to defend myself again, but more than that I wanted to feel strong in my body. So I thought I would try something new! This is a few weeks ago.

But today I went. I had no more excuses.
I was scared like I said. But I was laughing the entire time. It was GREAT!
I will feel like a physical wreck Tomorrow. I can already feel it.
But holy 2-$52&@(
The sense of accomplishment I feel right now I wish I could share with all of you!

i'm so proud of you, sweetie!   :woohoo:  way to go! :yahoo: i hope you're enjoying that feeling while you can.  what a great thing for you to experience!  love and hugs  :hug: :hug:

QuoteRight now I feel like I can take on ANYTHING!
I feel so incredibly GREAT!

So happy for you!

I spent all my mental and physical energy yesterday.
I'm still proud of myself for doing it, and I will go back next monday. I hope. I have to overcome the fear again then too.

Today I've been all drained. I got to work, but I lasted only 2 hours before I got home again. Been on and off again napping. Been eating way too much, and not smart choices either. I am sore all over, not the usual kind of sore after a workout, different. They say tomorrow will be worse, musclewise.

I'm dreading the rest of the week. I don't really have any downtime. Alonetime. And I know I need it. I'm not sure where to get it from

Hi Sceal,
I hope you will manage to get through this week - I know you've not got any downtime, and that's very tough, and I just hope that some opportunities to have some sense of downtime can push their way through for you - because you deserve them, in my opinion, and I want to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:
You are understandably drained, after facing things and using up mental and physical energy - hope you're ok.
Hope  :)

im sorry you are so tired, hopefully you get some downtime unexpectedly or you recover quicker than expected
:hug:

I spent most of the morning yesterday sleeping on the sofa, because I felt so off brain-wise. Such a fog. Then I somehow managed to get out of the appartment, to town and to my game session with the new group. On my way there the fog lifted from my brain. Which of course is making me worry that there's something going on in the appartment making me feel so brain-fuzzy. After a few hours at the game night the fog returned however. Although it is strongest when I'm home.

I got up to my parents, as I'm watching the dogs today. I had to wake up super early to drive them to the airport. and I got back and slept for another two hours. I've done some e-mail writing that I've been ignoring for two months.

And now I am all restless. I know it's good for me to not overextend today, but I can't seem to sit down on focus on just one thing. I have so many things I'd like to do. So it seems that my energy is getting back up again. Although... I'm wondering when the fog will hit me again. Maybe I really need to air out my appartment at home this week-end and clear out alot of stuff. Unless it's the radiator that's the trouble. leaking some gas or something? I don't even know if that's a thing. Or maybe it's the new vitamins that are helping? Or it is the fact that I get a few hours now completely alone and I get to re-focus everything.
Gah! I wish I knew which one was the actual answer to the problem so I could do it next time.

My muscle soreness after boxing is starting to wear off. I can now undress and dress without major difficulties.

I think I am stressed though, this unease and unrest that I got feeling within me.. it's bothersome. it's like I can't calm down.
But all in all.. I'm not depressed. So I'm doing okay.

I get fuzzy minded if I isolate myself too much. We're built to be social. A difficult dichotomy to navigate, for sure.  :hug:

Something has been going on with my brain this last week.
And I don't like it. reading online it sounds as if the description of "brain fog" fits. But... it doesn't feel like a fog. It feels like my cognitive abilities are slowing down, or not even turned on.  alternating with I can feel that my brain, energy hungry as it is, has used up all of the energy my body has had on offer and leaves me completely drained  like a useless husk. Today is the first day I'm not having a nap.
But I need to nap tomorrow, because I need to be able to be alert in the evening. I worry I wont.

Emotionally I'm doing alright. I don't feel too much of anything besides mild worry of what's going on with my brain and random panicky thoughts that I rationally can tell is far off the bat, but still leaves me with a nagging feeling that something isn't right. And frustration of my exhaustion levels. And moments of sadness - but they pass relatively quickly.

I'm nervous about boxing again on Monday. I know I was in such a good place afterwards last time, but now there's a little layer of expectations from my end that I will do just as well, if not better. Or that I will feel equally as good. But I shall try and psych myself up enough to go.

My brainfog seems to have lifted somewhat. I haven't had the radiator on the last few days. But also I've been on the vitamin B1 pills since tuesday, and maybe those have started working?  I feel more myself now. Less scared that my cognitive abilities are fading. I am too young for that.

I asked X if I was talking too much or being annoying. X said no to both. Which is good. X also asked me if someone had said so, I said no. I just like to check sometimes. After yesterdays game I got to play another game with x, and x was being caring. It was nice. I know I need to stop this crush, and not think so much about x. Let it become some sort of deeper friendship instead, but it is hard. Especially because I imagining x holding around me when I go to bed, and then I feel safer. And I need to feel as safe as I can. I don't want that to go away.

I sleep alot still though. Twice in a row I've been over 10 hours. I don't like it. Because it makes me floppy and groggy.

Glad to hear its lifting. You're dealing with some difficult stuff. Take care! :)

Thanks Jazzy.

It doesn't feel so hard, as much as it feels so much of it at once. If it had just been 1-2 things it would have been much more easily manageable.

Lady T called me today and asked to postpone my session this week til next week. She was very thankful and grateful that I could help her out. I was feeling okay when she called. So I figured why not. Although, shortly after the phone call was over I started feeling really bad. I eventually got myself out on a hike and all the thoughts was overwhelming me. I ended up daydreaming about a fictional conversation with X. It helped me get my thoughts and emotions away from the things that are worrying me and stressing me out. So I started feeling better.

I cancelled a party tomorrow in order to go boxing. So I'm caring for my physical health over my social/emotional health right now. And I think it is what I need. I hope that once I start feeling stronger physically that can somehow transform into emotional strength as well.

No boxing this week. I am a little bummed out by that. Although i've been fighting off performance anxiety in regards to that all week. But my arm is still acting up.

Feeling overwhelmed, sad, and like I have no privacy. I'm being worn quite thin by social engagements (voulentary and upkeep of friendships, and work). It's alright when I'm there, but it drains my energy. And I feel I have no downtime. The tension at home is no good. I feel like I live in a pigsty. He wont help me clean properly.. or rather keep it clean. He doesn't see the problem. He never did. So I end up trying to work, be left exhausted and have to tidy up and clean on the days I got off when I am supposed to make sure I don't get overwhelmed and overworked. Whereas he sits on the pc all week. He has one day of work this week. 1. And he can't tidy up because 1) he doesn't see the problem or 2) it's his day off so he wants to enjoy it. (but when it's his day of work he uses that as an excuse to not tidy up.. because after all he's been to work).
It's been like this since he moved here. I'm exhausted. He doesn't see it, he doesn't see the problem. He doesn't want to.

I need to finish my work for the exhibition by monday. I didn't realize this. I don't have anything ready. So I have to work harder tomorrow. And maybe go in over the week-end. The only good thing about that is that: i dont have to be at home.

I got such big cravings for sweets though. I am really struggling to avoid going up to the shop and just getting a candy bar right now.

Sorry to hear it Sceal. That's really rough. I think it is so important to be able to relax and feel safe at home. Hopefully that's something you can get back to. I hope your arm heals soon. Take care! :)

Last week both Lady T and Mr T cancelled. It left me with surprisingly negative emotions... A while after they cancelled.
It feels as if I keep having delayed reactions to things the past week or so.

I had to attempt to set some boundaries with a VIP friend of mine. And I was panic riddled for the next few days. Still am tbh.

Monday I had session with Lady T. And it left me dissociated. The log on my phone states I was stuck in a public restroom for 2 hours after that session. I don't really remember.. I remember the light was so bright and the noise wouldn't go away and I just wanted to fade away to nothingness.
I woke up with a new haircolour. I don't really remember dying my hair either. So that was disorienting.
Tuesday was full of in and out of dissociation. It's exhausting when only part of your brain is turned on. And occasionally just turns itself off and then half back on again. Trying to hide it.
Sounds being louder. People being... More... Peopley..

I'm super emotional the past two days. I feel so incredibly inadequate. My art fails. I fail. Nothing is working. I don't know how to do things. Everyone is a critic. I shouu just accept I'm *. Just give up on it.
But... I don't want to give up.  But also... I just I don't have it in me right now to deal with it all.

So tired.
I just want to cry.
To sleep.
Be far far away

That sounds overwhelming. I don't think you're inadequate, far from it. Well done for recognising that you don't want to give up.

Sceal,
That sounds very disorienting.  :hug: My therapist would tell me to do what you can to bring calm to your triggered body. If that doesn't help or fit, please disregard.

Thank you both.

The day didn't turn out great. They kept pushing me at work. and there were loads of people there today, some unknown but mostly people I know who are, but whom I seldom work together with. And I just couldn't hack it. I refused to eat lunch with people. And afterwards I sat curled up in the recliner trying extremly hard not to cry and to block out all the noise. It didn't work. Blocking out the noise that is.

when I finally left I felt like crying my eyeballs out. And I'm generally not one person who ends up crying alot. I generally aren't able to. I wish I could sometimes, and for those times I usually need a really emotional movie to help me to get started. But not yesterday.
After work I had said yes to socialize, and since it was a group activity I couldn't bail out. I don't want to be the one who always bails out. I warned the hostess though. And I showed up on her door early. walking in the cold with my noise cancelling headphones without music helped me calm down a little. I was still struggling but not so much it was visible anymore I think.

But when I walked home around 21ish.. I ended up in a prolongued asthma attack which ended up me calling the ER, and spending my money on cabfare and sitting there until 2 in the morning.

Today I'm shattered. I don't know who to call for help. And at the same time I don't want to talk to anyone.
I don't want to burden anyone.
I don't want to worry anyone.
I don't want to pretend.

I just want to be held in silence. But it's not possible.

I'm not there in real life, but I'm thinking of you and sending hugs. :hug:

Sceal, I'm sorry things are so incredibly difficult right now. :hug:

Being held in understanding, empathetic silence sounds lovely. I can only do it virtually but know it's heartfelt. (And safe.)  :hug:

Sorry you had such a rough night, and are missing being held. I think if that was more common for us, it would make a world of difference. I hope you feel better soon. Good job on the socializing and work. Take care! :)

Thanks everyone.
It's been an unusually sunny week-end. But i've spent it for most parts inside due to my asthma... and my laziness.
I've recovered somewhat, enough anyway to go out and about today. Or, when I think about it, I just want to crawle right back into my bed and hide.

Seeing Mr. T today. Then I might go to work. Then I got boxing. I might just go home after Mr. T, and relax until Boxing. Or I'll go to work and finish the work that's stressing me, so I can finally let it go.

hey, sceal, whatever you decide to do, and whichever way you decide to do it, i have no doubt it'll be the best way for you.  i support you all the way with your decisions.

hope your time w/ mr. t went well, and i do hope you are soon able to finish whatever's stressing you.  sending love and a hug filled w/ all the best on getting things done. :hug:

Thank you San!

I got a message from the support centre when I was waiting for the bus that Mr. T had to cancel. I was already on my way anyway, and needed to go to town for work later.. so I dropped by to grab a coffee. Turns out alot of roads were closed this morning due to accidents and "surprise" cold weather (it's not a surprise.. it's winter, and it's been cold for a week). But he came into the centre 30 min after our original appointment. He wasn't staying, he was on his way to his GP due to an arm injury. I said it was fine, I was on my way when I got the message.

I dropped by the library and the art supply store omw to work. It's on the way, so.. When I got to work I got there during lunch hour. I thought I'd eat lunch with everyone, but there was so many people I  just fled into my shared office room. Riddled with anxiety. I was left alone for most part, but then one of the supervisors wanted to ask me a question and I freaked out. I ended up on sitting on the floor, curled up together. She tried to calm me down and help me through what was causing my anxiety. I was sick to my stomach for hours later. It wasn't until everyone left the office I was able to actually get some work done. There was only the supervisors and the boss left after 3, and so it was quiet. It was good. I could calm down. I ended up staying at work until 18. I intended to rest my eyes in the comfy chair before going to the boxing, but I didn't have time for that. I was so physically drained when I got to the boxing gym.  I couldn't really concentrate, and I was up against someone much stronger than me. I got one kick * workout done, and she probably not at all. I feel guilty about that.  But also proud that I managed to go despite being tired. I didn't think too hard about what I wanted to do. if I wanted to go to bed or not.

 :thumbup: on making it to boxing.  and, your opponent will get her own mighty workout some other day, i don't doubt. 

sorry your anxiety took over at work, but i'm glad you were able to get thru it.  in the end, that's what counts, right?  we may be messy on the way, but getting to the end of it intact is the goal, i think.  i've been very messy these past 2 mos., so that's my frame of reference.  still not quite all the way back, but eventually.

keep hangin' tough, sweetie.  love and hugs :hug: :hug:

I don't feel like I am intact. It doesn't feel like I am going to be intact anytime soon.

People doesn't listen when I say I don't function. They just start questioning me "what is functioning anyway? You show up".  They see what they want to see. Maybe I do too...? But I don't see it as functioning when you end up sitting on the floor falling asleep at work or hide out in the bathroom because you're scared. Going to bed when I get home because I can't do anything. Being on the verge of crying all the time.  Feeling like SH just to get through the day.
Is this what functioning is?

They also don't listen when I say I don't have any capacity left over. They keep asking me the same questions over and over again. I feel I have to say yes to work more. I know I won't be able to. Then they go "just 2 hours". It's not just 2 hours. 2hours equal minimum 4 due to travel time. I don't have the brainpower to deal with these questions. I told them I'm in an anxiety filled period. But they don't listen. I suspect they won't unless I have a freak out. And if I do that. I won't be able to show my face here anymore.

I. Am. Not. Strong. Enough.

All I can say is I hear you, and I'm so sorry things are so rough for you rn.  :hug: keep posting  :hug:

 :hug:

I understand the feeling, Sceal. People hardly look deeply into what we're experiencing to truly understand what we go through. But we don't want to make a scene either to get their attention. It's a horrible balance between wanting to be heard but not wanting to cause a fuss.

Thank you all for your support..for listening to me and responding to me. I feel quite bad that I haven't been able to really respond to other people's journals and threads the past few months.

I notice I require downtime. Quiet time. But.. I don't get it. I could take it. But it stresses me out. I think I don't want to deal with the thoughts and emotions that comes with it. So instead I am racing head first into the wall.

I keep putting things on my calendar. I am overwhelmed. And I don't want to.  I am terrified of next week. I know it will be fine. Or maybe not fine, but I will manage. I know this. But it's overwhelming anyway.

Sorry you're in a rough spot Sceal. We all need our down time though, so don't worry about that. You can do next week; I believe in you. Keep breathing. Take care! :)

Thanks Jazzy  :hug: I go up and down in if I believe this to be true or not.

My birthday is next week. I wish I could say I expect nothing. But I expect to be let majorly down. To be a boring afterthought. It makes me sad.

I also am in the middle of an EF that wont let go. I wanted to share an idea with two people I thought would like and understand the concept. instead they got confused and sort of bulldozed me with their expanding ideas. Some of them were good, by all means. But I really just wanted a yes/no answer to if they would think it'd be interessting. Not be told how to do it. I got a little snippy, because I felt patronized.  The one person said "... I have been reading about these kinds of projects and listened to podcasts for years and years :D " To which I replied (although I knew the answer was no) "Have you ever done a project like this?". I felt so overwhelmed at this point, I didn't know how to tell them that I felt looked down upon and that I felt they were telling me I needed to do a better job off of it, and that I felt that they wanted me to do it their way. And then I felt super bad about saying that question. Because I already knew the answer, and it was a little like pouring salt into an open wound. I've had the chance to do these kinds of projects for 15+ years. I felt * about being mean. And I did apologize about being harsh. But it didn't go very well from thereon out. Not really all out hostility, but I felt like they were ganging up on me. They might really just have been super confused, a little hurt, and uncertain what I was asking. And they really might not have understood that I was feeling really * about being patronized and feeling like I had to exceeed expectations on something that's a hobby.  It basically just triggered my EF.
I tried to end the conversation. And in the end I just... stopped replying. I walked away.
And now I don't dare to interact with them. Everytime I think about this today I start getting both scared, overwhelmed and annoyed. And I can't snap out of it.

I'm sorry things are rough at the moment. EFs are horrid. Sending you strength, and a hug if that helps. :hug:

 :hug:

Can dealing with the situation with the two people wait until after you are through this EF? It is hard to deal with anything in the middle of an EF, but especially difficult to deal with people with whom you are upset.

Notalone makes a good point. I'm sure it will work out when you are feeling better.

Also, there is a big difference between knowledge and experience. It is totally valid for you to point out that you have experience, and the other person does not. I know it can be tough to do something like that though, and ICr can really get going... but I don't think that was wrong of you at all. Maybe in the future you could word it differently so it doesn't feel so bad? Just an idea.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. Take care! :)

Quote from: notalone on November 15, 2019, 10:16:17 PM
Can dealing with the situation with the two people wait until after you are through this EF? It is hard to deal with anything in the middle of an EF, but especially difficult to deal with people with whom you are upset.

I wish it could, but it's the situation that pushes me into an EF.

Jazzy:
I agree that there is a difference between knowledge and experience. I could have pointed it out in a little more friendlier and firmer way.

I just left the conversation entirely, I don't intend on getting back in on it. I left the group to themselves for a few days. Didn't interact in the group chat or anything. I didn't know how to talk to them. Then the one guy reached out and said he was sorry he'd missed out on me in the group chat. and Isaid he hadn't missed me, I hadn't participated. But it seems like he's not angry with me atleast. So I'm a little more relaxed around that.

Had my session with Lady T yesterday.
I've been feeling so drained. I've mostly kept in bed from saturday through monday til I had to go to Lady T. I say mostly, because I got up and got on a walk on sunday, and I finished a christmas gift and two advents calendar. But it was lazy slow work, and outside of it I stayed in bed. Which is rare for me. Being so drained always makes me feel lazy and annoyed. Annoyed I'm not making a better effort with... well, anything really.
Lady T and I talked about "good enough" being "good enough" and doing things "good enough". Where my fear comes from in regards that whatever I do is never good enough, that I don't have a measuring tape where I will know when I can accept that my effort or creation or... me.. is good enough. And for as long as I can't be sure it's better to assume it isn't.  It's a fear that if I don't work hard enough that people will shun me and shut me out.  As well as a fear that if I just label something as "good enough" then it's the same as me giving up on whatever it is. And giving up is a weakness..for me.
It becomes very black and white.

Quote from: Sceal on November 19, 2019, 06:40:37 AM

Quote from: notalone on November 15, 2019, 10:16:17 PM
Can dealing with the situation with the two people wait until after you are through this EF? It is hard to deal with anything in the middle of an EF, but especially difficult to deal with people with whom you are upset.

I wish it could, but it's the situation that pushes me into an EF.

Jazzy:
I agree that there is a difference between knowledge and experience. I could have pointed it out in a little more friendlier and firmer way.

I just left the conversation entirely, I don't intend on getting back in on it. I left the group to themselves for a few days. Didn't interact in the group chat or anything. I didn't know how to talk to them. Then the one guy reached out and said he was sorry he'd missed out on me in the group chat. and Isaid he hadn't missed me, I hadn't participated. But it seems like he's not angry with me atleast. So I'm a little more relaxed around that.

Had my session with Lady T yesterday.
I've been feeling so drained. I've mostly kept in bed from saturday through monday til I had to go to Lady T. I say mostly, because I got up and got on a walk on sunday, and I finished a christmas gift and two advents calendar. But it was lazy slow work, and outside of it I stayed in bed. Which is rare for me. Being so drained always makes me feel lazy and annoyed. Annoyed I'm not making a better effort with... well, anything really.
Lady T and I talked about "good enough" being "good enough" and doing things "good enough". Where my fear comes from in regards that whatever I do is never good enough, that I don't have a measuring tape where I will know when I can accept that my effort or creation or... me.. is good enough. And for as long as I can't be sure it's better to assume it isn't.  It's a fear that if I don't work hard enough that people will shun me and shut me out.  As well as a fear that if I just label something as "good enough" then it's the same as me giving up on whatever it is. And giving up is a weakness..for me.
It becomes very black and white.

I completely understand this Sceal. CPTSD really does tend to make us see things in black and white sometimes, like looking into a screen that's only 2D. It's always so difficult trying to measure oneself... I think personally we shouldn't use the actions that take place as a way of measuring our success - instead, we could focus on the feelings and the fact you've made any effort. For example in your case, maybe if you can acknowledge that you have felt you've made an effort, then that's 'good enough'. Rather than focusing on what you've done or haven't done, just see what you've been ABLE to do with your current circumstances. Some days 'good enough' is a lot, other days it's very little. If you're tired, but you still have attempted to do something, that's 'good enough'. I think it all depends on your health and how you're feeling. But that's just the way I see it, not sure if that helps or not!
Humans aren't machines that can run 100% 24/7. :) It's okay to not work as much sometimes.

Quote from: Perplex on November 19, 2019, 09:01:13 AM
Some days 'good enough' is a lot, other days it's very little. If you're tired, but you still have attempted to do something, that's 'good enough'. I think it all depends on your health and how you're feeling. But that's just the way I see it, not sure if that helps or not!
Humans aren't machines that can run 100% 24/7. :) It's okay to not work as much sometimes.

:yeahthat:
Another thought is to give yourself grace and kindness. (I know that is not easy.)

i can relate, sceal.  the term 'good enough' or 'average' was not allowed for me.  'perfect' was the only thing to strive for, and be.  it has been one of the most difficult tasks i've encountered over the years to give myself permission to be 'ok'.  to this day, i struggle at times - even when posting, i've only lately been able to write what i want to write without going back and re-checking for grammar and spelling mistakes.  it's just awful.

sending you love and a hug filled w/ permission to accept yourself for the lovely person you are, weak and strong, and all shades of sceal in between. :hug:

It is starting to dawn on me, that I might be stronger than I view myself.

Or maybe it is a fleeting thought..
Maybe it is a lie that people have been trying to knock into my skull for the past few years. That is my fear, along with that the truth is I simply are not good enough as me, myself alone.

I am being challenged and pushed these days. It's been alot to handle lately. But what I have to admit, is that although it has been alot. It has also been... Manageable.
This week started with therapy, which left me feeling good. Tuesday was work - where I had to fail but push past it. I had to deal with people, and I had to say NO. In a not so nice way ( apologized for that). Wednesday was my birthday. It was sunny. And I was feeling apprehensive about it, because I didn't know what I wanted to do. But I filled it with things *I* wanted. And with people *I* wanted to see, not any guilt or shame around that. Thursday I went to work, despite having said I might not show. Not only did I go to work, but I also went to the opening of the exhibition. I talked to two strangers. Although I mostly latched on to people I knew or hid near the door. And it was mainly due to a sense of obligation rather than wanting to. But I did it. And today I went to see Mr. T and there was a meeting afterwards which left me unfocused and feeling off and nauseous. Soon I got family dinner and theatre.
The week isn't over yet. The weekend is me working at the gallery. Alone. Which is making me more nervous than usual.

I think I might have managed to go through this week because I was expecting it to be hard and difficult and I prepared for that. I have set boundaries. To me and towards others.

Maybe I will crash once the week is over.
Maybe not.

first, happy birthday, sweet sceal! :cake: :phoot:

next, this was a loaded week indeed, and congrats on managing everything! :applause:

i believe it to be true that you are stronger than you've thought.  this week was evidence, at least to my mind.  well done! :thumbup:

it's difficult to change our perspectives, especially of ourselves, but i think you've taken a solid step toward doing just that.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you dear San.  :hug:

I am shattered today. I have to work. They said I could call in sick, but my conscience isn't letting me.

I will call in sick tomorrow.
Maybe on Tuesday too... We'll see. I kind of don't want to be at home with mr.grumpyface. I don't know what his deal is these days. He doesn't want me to talk to him. I am too tired to push it. I hope he concludes that the best thing for him is to move back home.

Quote from: Sceal on November 24, 2019, 10:46:43 AM
Thank you dear San.  :hug:

I am shattered today. I have to work. They said I could call in sick, but my conscience isn't letting me.

I will call in sick tomorrow.
Maybe on Tuesday too... We'll see. I kind of don't want to be at home with mr.grumpyface. I don't know what his deal is these days. He doesn't want me to talk to him. I am too tired to push it. I hope he concludes that the best thing for him is to move back home.

Sorry to hear about your difficulty today, Sceal. I'm hoping things will get better and you'll be able to manage the next few days!
And also happy birthday... Hopefully it's not a trigger for you but I just want to remind in a friendly manner that we're happy to have you here.

Thank you Perplex!
I really needed some kind words today.
I still feel really bad that I aren't able to read and comment on other peoples journals.
This mental fatigue for that is really long lasting. :( :(

I had kind of planned to take the day off today. But it's such a drag being at home now. I am stressing about being at home. About packing and moving, about letting the landlords know. About telling roomie that I am letting the landlords know and if he wants to come along or not. About my parents dog being really old and getting closer to death and it makes me so incredibly sad. I need him. I am so selfish, but I really do need that dog. He loves me so much and I love him.  There is no judgement, and cuddles for as long as I can be bothered, even past when I'm fed up.
I have my exhibition I haven't finished.
I have Christmas presents I'm not finished.
I have a friend visiting from abroad later this week.

I just have this vulnerable feeling in my chest and gut.
I want to spend money I don't have to make up for feeling bad.  And I keep getting messages and emails and so on about the various stores now having a "black week" instead of a black Friday. I don't need more crap. I need less.
I need people to buy my stuff.

I don't know how to reach out saying I feel like * to someone. Anyone. And I am not sure if it would even help to actually complain..

Sending you big hugs of support. :hug:

 

Quote from: Snowdrop on November 25, 2019, 01:03:32 PM
Sending you big hugs of support. :hug:

:hug:

o my dear sceal,

i'm just coming off a long haul of being overwhelmed by one thing after another, and it is tough.  get through one day, one hour, one minute if that's what it takes, just one at a time, one step, then another.  we're with you, even when we, ourselves, (like me) don't have the energy or strength to post for others.  i totally get it, have been mostly away for the past 2 months. 

i think it's difficult for those of us who have gotten very involved here to have to pull back, because we want to continue the involvement, (at least this is how it is for me), want to stay in touch and let others know verbally that we're thinking of them, we're with them.  for one, i know you support me, are with me, even when you aren't able to respond to me.  i hope you know the same of me to you.  sometimes, it just doesn't happen for whatever reason.  this crapola is rough to get thru at times, and it takes all we have just to make it thru the day.

you've got so much going on at home right now, with your exhibition, w/ the dog - dang, sceal, that's a lot to be juggling!  and, just my opinion - selfish to want that unconditional love?  animals are amazing about what they can give to us.  i'm sorry the dog is getting old, but i'm glad you've been able to get so much from him.  that's truly a gift.

best to you with everything you're dealing with.  much love to you, sweetie, and a hug filled w/ all the strength you need. :hug:

Thank you so much San.
It is true. Before my sudden dissapearence this summer I was very active in other people's journals and on the forum as a whole. This forum has given me alot. I tried to help out the moderators too for a while. But I've just come to the point where I can't hear or read, or watch other people's pain. It gets too me too quickly.  Someone once told me of an anology when I was younger and just getting sick.  Well, just getting treatment. I had a friend who was also very, very sick. And the nurse at the hospital told us that sometimes you have people in your life that are also suffering, and you want to do everything you can for them because you care so much, and you feel their pain so clearly. It's so familiar, and you don't want them to feel it. But what ends up happening is that although both are trying to help each other up and out of the bottom of the pit, it ends up both dragging each other down. We can't both be climbing the superslick slippery surface together, we're not strong enough to carry each other. So for a while, it is better to focus on ones own health.
And that is what I am trying to do, not because the people around me is trying to pull me down. But because I care so much and because I'm not strong enough for us both (plural) yet I end up back down at the pit.
It's not just here on the forum, it's in real life too. At work, with roomie, with friends. And I feel like the worlds biggest selfish person.

Update on the exhibition: I'm ALMOST done. two more images to paint, the lineart is NEARLY done on the last image.
Update on the dog: The vet says if we can get his pain under control and if we can clear up his gum-infection he has a good chance of living a few more years.  He's going in for dental care tomorrow. It's tricky, because it's anasthesia.. and he has heart problems. And that's always scary. I cuddled him all I could today.
Update on roomie: He's going through *. I feel really bad about it, it's not my fault. I'll try to support him. But I can't.. I really need to somehow find the strength to be a B* and still move out come march. Regardless of what happens. I really, really, really hope he wont guilt me into staying. I am really, really not strong yet.
Update on health: I've lost weight. Which is great. My muscles are all sore today, and I've been in some annoying pain. Not like ALOT, but the kind that doesn't let go. And I might have to sit out an workout this week - and I'm no fan of that. But I'm supposed to listen to the body, right?

I don't see you as being selfish in any way at all. I see it as you recognising your limits, and self-care. Both good things. :hug:

Thank you Snowdrop, I hope you are right.

I had a talk with my GP today. My roomie's situation is difficult for him, and I told her I am scared he will emotionally guilt me into staying longer than I intend to. She told me that if he does that to tell him I need to think about it, and then come running to her and talk it out. I am scared that I am not strong enough alone to do it if he emotionally pressures me because of his own fear and desperation. I am not going to go into what his situation is, it's enough to say it's * and heartbreakingly hard.

Later I had a session with Lady T. We talked about being good enough again. And about measuring everything I do up against my self worth. If I do something poorly I am not worthy of anyone's respect, love or acceptance. And if I do something "good enough", it's still not enough, because it needs to be higher. I need to perform so much higher than what would be good enough for regular people. And since I can't ever measure up, I always feel like I'm so far below what is good enough. I told her that if I am to let go of my expectations, or of fighting to do things better than good enough in order to be good enough, then I am scared that I will lower them too much and that I will never ever reach the good enough barometer.
We had a whiteboard where she drew the lines. And she measured Mount Everest to be further down than my set expectations of how much I need to achieve on everything I do. From cooking to cleaning, to work, to art, to relationships, to friendships, to reading, understanding, getting dressed... It's not about perfectionism. I don't need to be perfect, and I don't want to be the best. I just want to be good enough, and slightly above it at times. And I want to believe it in myself, for myself. She leaned back and ruffled her hair and said she got worn out by just looking at the chart we'd made. And I agree, just looking at the board made me see how hard it is, how much harder I make it for myself. It's just..

I'm scared.

I'm scared that if I lower my expectations even slightly bit, that I will never ever surpass the "good enough" line. That I'll never reach it. And that I will then forever be cast out. Never be accepted, and taken into the warmth.
I feel mean about saying that too, like I'm disregarding the love my friends have for me. I don't doubt that, those closest to me. But it's hard for me to ask of them what I really need sometimes. I've gotten better at it, and it helps. But it's not enough, because I feel so detached from them most of the time. Like I don't fit, don't belong.. or rather.. I'm not worthy.

Tomorrow my ex comes to my city. He's coming here to visit me. I haven't seen him in 9 years I think it is now. I can't believe it's been 9 years. I've missed him, or I've missed his friendship. It will be good to see him. But also demanding.

Meeting my ex has been very nice. It's just like before. Like no time has passed. It's very nice.

But being at home now makes me feel dirty, unclean, unwelcomed. It is dirty everywhere. I keep cleaning, cleaning and cleaning... But it never gets Clean. I get so exhausted.
Being at home is exhausting. Even when I don't do anything.
I have reached out to a few friends and told them straight out. I am going to need my friends in the near foreseeable future. Hopefully I have told enough so I don't wear them out. And hopefully I will actually be able to tell them when I do need them.

I am having seriously dark dark thoughts tonight

 :bighug: and much love, sceal.  we're here for you, too!

Thank you :hug:

I told roomie I am going to let the landlord know this week I am moving in march. And invited him to join me, I know he doesn't like talking to them. Infact I don't think he has talked to them since we moved in 4 years ago... I was expecting a fight.
Or that he would start guilt tripping me.
He did neither. Instead he treated me with cold disgust.
I guess I should be grateful there was no fight. But I am still expecting it...
I am both dreading and looking forward to letting the landlords know I am moving.

Because then I have officially started the process and not only.. said I was going to.
But it is crushing me.

 :hug:

 :hug:

Sounds like a good step if your roomie treats you like that.

I went on this dating app...

But now I am freaking out. Am I supposed to tell them about PTSD? about why I got so many scars? About why I can't work full time? If so.. when am I supposed to tell them this?

Also why did I do this. I don't want to date now. I've never dated.

Dear Sceal,
You've asked a few questions here, and I hope you are ok that I try to answer them, because I think you don't have to divulge any personal information until you're ready.  Just because you've made the decision to try a dating app - doesn't mean you have to divulge anything that you don't feel comfortable to say.  Maybe just see how you feel with the person you meet.
Good luck, and I hope you enjoy your date.  I hope you meet someone nice.
You deserve to.
Take care,
Hope  :)

Hi Hope. I am more than okay you giving me your perspective on my questions. Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I ended up chatting with them, but it was unfulfilling. So I just ended up deleting the app again.

My ex asked me in all sincerity why I chose to be with him when I knew I was sick. I didn't actually know I had cptsd. PTSD hadn't even crossed my mind. Implying to me that I should never have involved anyone in a relationship with me due to my struggles, it's too hard for a partner. I admit I got a little confused by this. Because I told him about it before he came visiting the first time. And before he moved here.
But it has made me realise that I should never subjugate someone else to go through a relationship with me.

I shall remain a spinster. It's better for everyone else.

I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I think your ex is being unfair to you. It sounds to me as though he's putting his issues on your shoulders.

You have every right to be in a relationship if that is what you would like. Not everyone has the same attitude as your ex.

:hug:

Thank you snowdrop. Those words are really kind. I hope you are right that I am not doomed to be forever single. Although, it wouldn't be the end of the world either. I have always been rather content on my own in adult life. I mean, sure it's nice to have someone to cuddle up against after long days. Or stay in with during storms and eat popcorn. But there is alot less drama on my own.

*Trigger warning*

Unfortunately it ended with SH last weekend. The emotions got the better of me. It was a mix of "I need these feelings to stop. I don't know how to work through them" and a "I deserve nothing better than SH. I need punishment".
It wasn't alot, but I worked really hard to stop. And now I keep thinking about it all the time.

Although, I have fallen quite numb after the weekend. I ended up with stomach pains and nausea on Monday to such a degree I couldn't tell if it was the food I had eaten, or the emotional turmoil turning physical. I wasn't able to go to the gym as planned which also felt like a defeat.  I ended up going home. Having a light-hearted conversation with roomie/ex about movies and then I sent a text to the landlord about us moving out.

I told my roomie/ex that I had consulted my psychologist. He didn't try to convince me otherwise. He was a little resigned I think. And I also think he felt a bit guilty over the treatment he put me through the past month. He bought me berries. He tends to do that when he wants to say sorry or cheer me up. I will miss that part.

I talked to my GP about it. I called an emergency appointment with her, she had told me to do it last time we spoke if my ex tried to convince me to stay. She says it sounds as if he is going through a delayed heartbreak and that he is trying all the tricks in the bag to make me not leave. No matter how useless they are. Leave no stone unturned kind of thing.  It makes sense. She also equated his behaviour to drug seeking patients, they also use all the tactics in the book..pleading, complimenting, crying, threatening, being angry, manipulation of emotions. She told me to text her if I had further SH impulses. I told her I would. But it's hard to tell her I am fighting it 90% of the time. She can't call me everyday. I have a new appointment next week.

I was supposed to see Lady T today. But I got a text saying she had to cancel because she's sick. it's unfortunate timing. I hope she feels better soon. Technically today was supposed to be my last session until after new years. 
But I got a feeling she might try to squeeze me in before Christmas if she gets better.

I am going to end today with a positive thing.
A few months ago I decided to pick up martial arts, because I am so SICK and TIRED of feeling so weak and useless. And I hope that this will make me feel stronger. And that I can learn my body that it's not weak and useless. But I haven't been for the past 3 weeks. So it was getting really really scary to get back to it again. I mean ontop of it already being scary. But I pushed through.
I met up early. And I ended up being the only woman today in the group. And it was fantastic! I mean, I am a complete beginner and I have no technique, no strength, no speed and I am clueless. But it was such a rush defeating my anxiety of going and it was so nice to feel my body working hard. And the guys were really friendly and inclusive.
It makes me look forward to next week's session.

sweet sceal, i wonder if you're already beginning the grieving process re: your roomie.  i know that's one time when we often revert to old, harmful coping behaviors.  don't know if that fits, but it came to mind.

i hope you don't beat yourself up about it.  i like what your gp said - it makes sense to me.  i've seen that happen in my own relationships, either to get me to stop from leaving, or to get me back.  manipulations.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and compassion.  you're going thru a really rough time, for sure.

Thank you San :hug:

...
Two things
1. I think I realized what lies at the core for why I struggle with leaving my roomie now. Why I have always struggled with moving on. He was the first man who accepted when I said no. He never pushed the matter, well, except for a handful of times and only barely then, of sex if I said "no, not really in the mood". Which leaves me, which has always left me feeling like I owe him.
That I owe him everything.

2)
I did a non-emotional "recap" of my life. He is leaving for Christmas. And although I have been looking forward to him leaving for months. I often react this way when I finally get time alone 24hr a day for a few days.
But today it all feels both disconnected and so small. That I should just be able to f$-$&)ing pull myself together.

GP says that I am clearly not indifferent to the things happening in my life when all my emotions are manifesting themselves as somatic symptoms instead; nausea, crippling headache, muscle pains. I told her I know she's right, but I don't know how to reconnect my emotions.

dear sceal,

i've had that feeling in my life when it's come to others, that i owe them because they showed me a kindness or generosity when i was down or needy. as i think on this, it seems to me that we, as people, do this kind of thing for and with each other because we are caring human beings.  we give what we can when we can.  you've done that for friends and family, and here on the forum as well.  how much do i owe you for the kindness, caring, compassion, support, suggestions, help, etc. etc. etc. that you have shown me? 

i've heard it said - take what you need, give what you can, but never give more than you have.  i think that sometimes, when we have undergone abuse and neglect, we are so grateful for any crumb that someone tosses our way, we think we owe them everything, no matter what.  i don't think we realize that we deserve the entire loaf of bread in our relationships, not just crumbs every so often.   i know i'm not quite there yet, either, but your post helped me remember this, and the more often i'm able to remember, the clearer my boundaries become and the stronger i become as a person.  so, thank you for sharing that.

i think your realization that there is a connection between your emotions and your body's messages is a first good step.  i've only begun making some of those connections.  i know now that when my chest feels tight, it means fear, even if i don't actually feel afraid.  it's a process, like anything else we do to recover our selves.  you've begun, and that counts.  the rest will eventually be there for you to make more connections. 

as far as (*&%^ing pulling yourself together, well, to my mind, that's the million dollar dilemma.  i'm still looking for the solution to that one.  i've been in crisis for over 3 mos. now, with one thing and another.  today with a little medical intervention i had one of the happiest feeling days of my life, and there was nothing special going on.  i've had to take meds before to help my mind simply be able to function, but today was different.  go figure.

sending love and a hug filled w/ patience and a future of one more step . . . then another . . .  toward more connections  :hug:

Dear San.
I am glad my perspective was of help for you too.  To me it is a rather painful realisation. how much of my life has I just given to others due to fear and obligations. Not that I believe i have the right to thrive, or to be selfish and egotistical. I don't want to be that. But I'd like to give off of myself without fear. Without it being an obligation. Not all that I have given has been due to that. And I'm quite sure most people haven't realised that I did it because they gave me a little kindness.

I think in some instances I have given more than I have.

Roomie left for his home country on Friday morning. He left while I was still sleeping. There was a time where his coming and going would wake me up. But I sleep heavier now than I used to before. Ever since the surgery. I think it's because my body is starting to feel like my own.
I spent yesterday cleaning and sorting out my art supplies. I've boxed them better. And it made me realise I have less than I thought. Which will be helpful when I move. I've also gathered three boxes that I will take to store at my parents' basement. I might as well bring them now, since they are ready.
But it is leaving me with an absolute awful emotion. I feel.. Terrible. I feel guilty I think. There's a pit in my stomach, I want to SH. And I want to sleep. I have more cleaning to do. I was supposed to draw and plan my 2020 this week-end and be totally alone. But instead I'm barely managing to clean. Just knowing how much is left is making my stomach turn. And each time I clean, tidy and throw something out. I know i'm getting rid of stuff or sorting stuff so moving will be easier. It's not going to be easy. I really really wish I could turn off emotions for the first three months of the year.
But I suspect that's not going to happen.
I just hope I am strong enough to go through with this. That I am strong enough to do this without too much SH. I really don't need more scars.

I'd like to just turn myself off now.

hang tough, sweet sceal - honestly, i'm hangin' right beside you.  this is a rough patch you're going thru.  i get it, and i'm there with you. 

i'm glad your body is feeling more like your own.  such a good, solid feeling. 

sending love and a hug filled with strength :hug:

Thank you San for being here with me.
I really do need it now. I ended with a brief spell of SH, unfortunately. Hopefully it's the last one. I felt so much calmer afterwards. I always feel so calm afterwards. I went to bed and slept for 12 hours. Woke up and worked out!

I'm omw to the SA support centre just to sit there. Get away for a little while before I pick up the car and decorate the Christmas tree

Sending you hugs and support, Sceal. :hug:

 :hug: to you Snowdrop. Thank you for reading

I went to visit my friend and her family abroad for a few days between Christmas and new years, and it was wonderful. I forgot about my daily life. I forgot about my PTSD. There was no triggers, and it was just calm and nice. They were super hospitable.

But now I'm back home again.
Alone.
And I thought I'd relish in the fact that I would be home alone for a few days before roomie returns from his christmas break with his family. But I'm not.
I'm sad. I can't get off the sofa, all I'm doing is watching stupid TV-shows I don't particularly like instead of being productive.
I had things I wanted to get done before new years, but I don't feel it. And I hate that I need to be in a particular mind-frame to be able to work. It feels like I should be able to just push emotions aside and get on with it. But that obstacle is so hard to get past.

And I am wondering, if I'm just trying to escape instead of dealing with things. I would so like to not have to actually have things that needs dealing with for a while. Dealing with packing and moving, and avoiding further fights and avoiding my roomie when he comes back. I feel exhausted just thinking about it.
I went on the threadmill today and I had to tell myself over and over and over again that it's okay if I end up being tired afterwards. Being tired is not an excuse not to do things, because I'll be tired anyway. But it's such a difference between mentally, emotionally and physically tired. i'd much rather be physically tired.  Maybe that way I wouldn't have so many crazy "#¤s dreams and nightmares. 

But I am so scared of him coming back. Of more fights, or more him emotionally lashing out at me, telling me what a terrible person I am.
I don't know how he will react once he gets home tomorrow. Maybe it will be all fine. maybe we wont talk about it at all. Maybe there'll be weekly talks.
I have no idea.
The only thing I do know is that I'm scared.
So I eat.
And I had a surgery. So I feel bad that I'm eating stuff I shouldn't be after I had a surgery to get off all this excess, unhealthy weight. so I am filled with shame and guilt for that too.

I am self -sabotaging. I know. I just don't know why. Why? what's the point of that?

sweet sceal, you have so much going on right now.  i hear you, i'm with you, i'm fighting next to you.  love and hugs to you :hug:

Thank you dear San. I am glad you're here with me.  :hug:

Sometimes I feel I should leave this forum. I feel so bad for still not having any energy to read others journal and check in with how everyone is doing and what's been happening.  I feel so guilty that I am not able to be a listening ear for others. And that this just never seem to end.

I feel disgusting today. I noticed I have gained weight. That's the wrong direction. And I am angry with myself for allowing this to happen.
I am trying to motivate myself to eat healthier and be more active. But all I feel is shame for not bothering to get off the sofa which of course is making me feel worse.
I am seeing Lady T next week. By then then it's been over s month since last session. She got sick and had to cancel. At a very bad time tbh. But not like she chose to get sick.

Quote from: Sceal on January 03, 2020, 02:07:34 PM
Sometimes I feel I should leave this forum. I feel so bad for still not having any energy to read others journal and check in with how everyone is doing and what's been happening.  I feel so guilty that I am not able to be a listening ear for others. And that this just never seem to end.

You are important and I'm glad you are here. I have had times when I can't read others' posts. I have felt bad about it too, but then I know that people here understand. It is okay if you don't have the energy to read &/or respond.

Thanks notalone. That is very kind of you. It's warming for me to hear that, I still feel terribly bad over it though

...

I am at the verge of panic attack. There's so much happening the next three months. Big things. And they are all incredibly emotionally draining. One of them is supposed to be a delight and a great opportunity. I've worked hard to get this far, but all I feel right now is a big lump of awfulness in my stomach. And I would like to cover it up with candy... But that will only make me feel worse.
And then there is the move. I get so annoyed when my friends bring it up, I think it is because they think it's so easy and that it's finally time I do it. And I get it. It is easy... For them. Because it's not them who has to do it. It's not them that has to live in it all. Feel the guilt and the shame.
Because that's all I feel. Theres no relief that time is finally almost here.
All I feel is crippling shame. To the verge I am about to cancel moving.but that won't solve anything. It won't make anything better.
But I feel so damn alone in this. I am trying to open up to my friends and let them know how much this is making me suffer.. but they don't understand. They don't see the problem. Because after all I don't owe him anything. It's been over for years. Etc..
I know all of that. But knowing doesn't take away the pain.. the grief. The hurt.

Dear Sceal, I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much right now! You are worth it, though, you are worth the struggle. Just one step at a time, easy does it. ❤️

Thank you ThreeRoses for validation and the reminder to take one step at a time. And it's true, it is so much right now.

Shortly after I wrote the earlier entry I called Lady T. The SH impulse was too high. I broke down in tears crying on the phone with her. As usual she always makes me laugh too, at my own sillyness. I think humour is helpful to get through. I still felt like * though. But she calmed me down sufficiently to manage to choose how to deal with the rest of the day. I felt that if I didn't fix the poster, pick up and deliver items from my parents to my studio + going to the mall to get a new work-out bra and going to my workout session that I'll fail and become super lazy. She asked if there was one or two things I could postpone until tomorrow. I said maybe, but then it's just pushing it all over tomorrow instead. But I did manage to go home, and rest and figure out what to do next. She told me there would be no shame in not going to my padwork workout, or no shame in not doing any of the things I had to do. Because I would then choose the thing I'd need the most: Rest.
I manage to work on the poster a little bit though. it's out of my comfort zone, so I've no clue what I'm doing and I've no clue which one I like the best. But I did a little bit of it. After having a meltdown on my computer for it not working as it should and me not being able to fix it by the usual means.
I also ended up having a squib ( is it called that?) with roomie. I told him why I'm not doing so great. with the guilt and the shame in regards to him, and everything being too much. He then asked me if it was because I'm moving out or because of me telling him in a fit of rage that I was r* and that was part of the reason why I broke up. I said the former. He told me it was the latter that he was having the biggest issues with, why he kept having nightmares. So that obviously just made me feel even worse. I asked him "Do you want me to feel even more guilty and shameful than I already am? Is that *really* your intention? Because it is working exceptionally well". He didn't answer. I guess that's answer enough. Which both makes me feel awful and also angry at him. He has no right. He really doesn't.

I went to lie down and rest for a bit after that. To decide "should I go to the gym? or should I just go to sleep" I went to the gym. It was two really hard, but good hours for me. It was what I needed. I busted my arm a little, so I'm not sure I'll manage to go on Wednesday, although I have yet to be able to go twice a week. I'm still too weak for it. And oh boy am I weak. I'm so weak and slow.
But I will get stronger. I have to. I'm learning.

So it is really, really rough right now. I can' t talk to my friends, they don't understand. They don't want to. And also, even if they did - I would need them much more and for much longer than would be fair to them. So I can't ask them to be there for me in the capacity I need them. So, I am alone.

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. I'm glad you were able to call Lady T though. She sounds great.

I'm sending you a hug to say I hear you and I care. :hug:

I ran into him again while heading to my Lady T.
I'm panicky. I'm paranoidy. It's not a good time for this. There's too much else. SH is escalating.
going to my GP tomorrow, but I suspect it's a temp. That's not good. That doesn't work for me when it's non-somatic issues.

SH desire is high.
I feel low. Sad and also empty. I'd rather no go out tomorrow at all. I am so worried about money. My presecription for my injection tomorrow wasnt on the right kind so now I have to cover it all in full. And it's alot right now. With GP cost, Lady T cost, buscard isn't being covered anymore. Things to buy before the exhibition.
i told lady t today that I tend to find new problems and worries to delve into when I'm stressing and worried and terrified of something that I don't want to face or deal wtih,s o I take those feelings and put it into a "simpler" problem, or create problems just to have an outlet for those emotions. It's really not constructive, it's not helpful, and it's not effective. It just causes more pain. Although they all feel like legitimate problems.
Money worries are a legitimate problem. My friend not talking to me; not such a big problem. I stopped talking to her too. Nothing happen as far as I know of. But I refuse to send her a message saying "Hi, we've not been talking for a while, just checking in to hear how you're doing? And also ask if I did something to upset you?" Because I don't want to put the blame on me. It's not my fault whatever it is that makes her not talk to me.
I always came running to her, whenever she was in distress I was there. Within minutes. The last time we had a conversation I asked her though, to not assume that I'm always having a bad day - because it's not true. And it's hurtful that she only sees me that way. Right now I only have bad days. I have worse days and bad days.
I've known for months it's going to be a really, utterly, totally * time at the start of 2020. I knew that when I said I'm moving out in March. And it's right. It's a totally * time.
It sucks, because I wanted the time before my exhibition to actually be a good time. Meaningful, suspenseful, thrilling, anything - something - just positive and exciting I guess. it's not. It's just guilt, shame, doubt, sadness, paranoia.

still here with you sceal - for what it's worth, you're not alone.

i've had friends like that, too, and when i stopped doing all the reaching out, the friendship kind of disappeared of its own volition. :disappear:  i've had to accept that everyone isn't like me, doesn't prioritize the same as i do.  very sad at times, but there it is.  i don't believe you need to take on any blame for that relationship, nor guilt or anything else.  honestly, if i've learned nothing else in this life, it's that people come and go, and all we can do is enjoy them while they're there.

i'm not trying to minimize any of what you're going thru, which is a lot at this moment.  i agree w/ 3r to take it step by step.  you've got a lot of emotions all hustling and bustling around inside about one thing or something entirely different that's going on in your life.  it's no wonder you're stressed - it's an awful lot to be dealing with all at once.

i hope you remember to breathe - like wife2 always used to say.  i've got your hand, if you want, and am sending love and a hug filled w/ deep, cleansing breaths. :hug:

Dear san,

Yeah, I'm with you that people come and go in your life. Some are worth fighting for, and some come back after a break, and it feels like you spoke just last week eventhough it might have been months, or even years. And then there are friends you wish would fight a little harder for you, because... you thought the friendship meant more to the both of you. The girl I'm talking about told me last summer that she was super thankful for me for being there for her at the drop of a hat, and didn't hate her after a year of pushing me away. She was dealing with an abusive boss, I didn't know, well. I didn't know he was as bad as she told me, but I knew he was a bad sort. It took her a while to realize he was terrorizing her, and then for her to dare to get out. She got help really quickly and she's back on her feet. So last summer she told me I was a priority to her. Which was nice to hear, but I wish she had never told me that. Because it felt like a lie afterwards. She might have meant it at the time, but then... she got pregnant and things changed.  She's not due for another few months though. sometime in the spring. I knew things would change when the baby would come, but I hoped we'd stay close at least until then. I try not to think of her, because I'm terrible at letting people I choose to care for go.
Which is why letting go of roomie is soul crushing for me. It's against all my instinct and all my habits and all that I am to leave someone behind. Especially when they are wounded, and that I'm doing the wounding. It's just... I know it's not good to stay, for either of us. And I'm trying to be mindful of that.. but it's so damn hard to keep reminding myself of it.

It's so hard to stay strong.

Lady T said I don't need to talk to roomie or have any of the talks until after my exhibition. It's two weeks away. I need to focus on that. And I need to talk my self down from this increasingly big paranoia and fear that's building up.

Thank you for holding my hand and being here. Thank you so much.
My thoughts goes to you.

hey, sweet sceal,

i do know it's hard to let go of people who have played a big part in your life.  i've had to do it several times, and it was always the very last option i picked.  like you, tho, i kept telling myself over and over why i knew it was best for the relationship to end.  that was the only way i was able to actually accomplish it.  but, yep, it can be really hard to remember the bad times, the reasons why we eventually came to this final decision.   i'm completely with you on that.

i'm really sorry about your friend, too.  again, i've had major friends who just didn't put the same effort into the friendship that i thought was warranted, that i put into it myself.  i don't know how or why this can get lopsided like that.  it just does, i guess.  it's really too bad on too many levels.

i'm still with you through this, sceal.  i'm not letting go, even if i can't write it (i've got therapy tomorrow, so i don't know what kind of shape i'll be in for the next couple days), but i'm right by your side.  and i agree with lady t that you don't have to have any heavy talks w/ your roomie till after your exhibition.  it's a biggie, and you can make it a priority for yourself and your own well-being.  you deserve that.

sending love and a hug filled w/ friendship and care :hug:

Dear San,

I guess it's a universal thing that it's hard to let go of the people we care about. I wonder though, is it sometimes harder for those of us who's been ostracized? I suppose it doesn't always matter if you got trauma in your baggage, the hurt is still there. Just with trauma it's always there. It messes up on different levels as well.

...

I'm not as paranoid as I was last time. Although I'm seriously considering changing my haircolour, and change my coat whenever I leave the house. I also don't stay put in one place for too long. And now my name is all over the city, due to the exhibition. I'm TERRIFIED that they will show up. My only hope is that there will be so many people there that they can't make a scene, that there'll be too many people around to spark up a conversation, or ask me why I didn't invite them, or haven't talked to them for years. There might be a chance they wont notice, if they don't notice they might not come. I need to make myself a fail-safe plan. I just don't know what that should be, or how that would look like. I know my GP might attend, Lady T might be there. But they wont be there as professionals, they're not there to help me out that evening. I need to devise a plan. The obvious one is to talk to someone and make them my wingman, or woman. But I'm not sure how much I trust these people, or how much I want them to know, or if I even feel safe with anyone.

I'm stressing about everything. Money, old friends, the fact I haven't packed, food, sugar, SH, being good enough, moving, the exhibition, my next plan, learning new things. I feel like I'm just adding more and more things ontop of a growing pile, just so that I'll make sure I'm burying myself well and good in pain and difficulties. Why do I do this?

Sceal,
Having a plan for "in case ___________happens" for the exhibition sounds like a really good idea.  :hug:

I wish it was easy, notalone. But I can't come up with one that I'm comfortable with.

---
*trigger warning*

All I've been thinking about today is SH and worse. I feel I am not worthy of anything. And I'm so full of shame. I don't deserve all the kindness from people.
I don't know how to deal with it. my mom texted me she's proud of me. I think that's the second time in my life I've heard her say that. well... heard and heard.
I don't deserve it.

I'm just chocking up.

Sceal,

Shame is so difficult to live with. I wish I knew how to make it make it go away for you, me, and all of us.

You are worthy of kindness and care because you ARE, not based on what you do.

QuoteYou are worthy of kindness and care because you ARE, not based on what you do.

^^^ Absolutely this. You are worthy of kindness. :hug:

Thank you both. I am fighting back tears here. I was re-listening to Brene Browns ted talks on vulnerability and on shame. They are good reminders. I have also decided to re-read a book on self-compassion.

I'm riddled with anxiety today. Nauseous and at times I just stop functioning. Which is really poor timing, because I really do need to function this week.
I haven't had a full-blown anxiety attack. Not yet. I hope it won't come to that. Although part of me wish it would come so I could be done with it and maybe it'd release some of the pressure. I had trouble working at work today. Talking about what I need and expect from the coming exhibition is difficult. But once we went down and started doing practical things and it was just me and one other things got a tiny bit better. At least for a little while.
It suck because it feels like I need alot of hand holding right now. And I hate it.

well, here, sceal, i'm holding your hand virtually - it's the best i can do.  wish i could be by your side for the exhibition, running interference for you if someone starts heading your way who you don't want to deal with.  i'll be there in spirit, tho.

by the by, i hate when i feel that neediness for myself as well.  you're not alone on that one.  but i do think what you questioned earlier, about those of us w/ trauma in our backgrounds having a more difficult time of it when these things loom on our horizons is spot on.   as i've become more aware and overwhelmed, i've made more direct connections to incidents in my past that have set me up for such behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

i do hope you're able to come up w/ a solid plan for yourself - i, too, think it's a good idea. :thumbup:

sending love and a hug filled w/ creativity :hug:

Thank you San, I will need your virtual hand.  :hug:

...

I've slowly been getting the impression that alot of people might show up next week. There is a potentiallity of it anyway, and it's crazy.
(alot of people of course is subjective.) I am freaking out a little bit. I am almost 90% certain that the first "abuser" will show up. I can't call her that, but her action had alot of consequences for me. But she was a child as well at the time, and well - it's called something else then. I just can't remember the terminology. I haven't had any contact with her for over a decade. Someone who knows her told me she'll be there, along with her parents. I'm nauseaous, but I am not in contact with my emotions surrounding her. I don't think I have forgiven her, but I don't think she ever understood the damage she caused way back then. I don't even think I'm all that scared of meeting her, I think it's more the fact that I'm realising that there might be alot of people coming. People who wants to support me, who are curious as to what I've made and want to show up and.. !@£€#¤§  that could potentially mean I've had an impact on people's life.. and... that's CRAZY!
I've always assumed I never had any impact. I'm forgettable. Invisible.
And now I have to accept that my view of myself might not be in accordance with how things really are. And that is confusing as !¤%"#. I don't quite know what to make out of it. And I don't even know what it looks like if it's not what I see it as.

`you've got it, my dear.  standing next to you the whole time.

abuser by any other name, etc.  bully, enabler, passive onlooker - it all causes damage, so i don't know how important it is to get the exact terminology correct.

you've already had an impact on peoples' lives here, sceal.  your art is just another facet of how you impact people.  i know you've impacted my life in a very positive way, and i'm grateful for you being in the world.

love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 19, 2020, 01:40:11 AM
you've already had an impact on peoples' lives here, sceal.  your art is just another facet of how you impact people.  i know you've impacted my life in a very positive way, and i'm grateful for you being in the world.

:yeahthat:

With you in spirit.

Thank you guys.
My head is spinning and my stomach is just full of knots.

talked to Lady T last night. She also said I'd had a impact on her life. which was strange. But nice, yet I do doubt her on this.

I'm so tired. and so energetic and restless all at once. Exhausting!

hey, sceal,

as a t myself, i understand how your lady t could say you've had an impact on her life and mean it.  we see clients continue on thru their struggles, deal with sometimes immense amounts of pain, and manage to continue living life even amidst a torrent of emotional upheaval.  we see them persevere during the darkest of times, battling demons of mighty proportions.  it is a profound experience for a t, and we can garner strength and resilience from watching how our clients keep on keepin' on.  we also learn so much about different perspectives, ways to cope, and meanings for behaviors, which in turn can help us become better at not only our professions but our own lives.  absolutely they can have an impact on us! 

i hope you can un-spin, and those knots untangle.  love you, sweet sceal.   :hug:

Dear San,
I just don't see how my influence on my Lady T is any more important, relevant, unique than other patients she has. I don't mean that I want to be better than others, but I also don't want to just be one of the many. Because then it's not really me, then it's just the sum of everyone. And that's not really influence, if that makes sense? She also said that if we didn't have therapist/patient relationship she would probably have called me up to ask me about travel advice. It felt like she wanted to say something else, or that she was trying not to say the wrong thing?

She came to my opening night. I don't know if she liked what she saw, I was too terrified all over, too overwhelmed. Suddenly I was the hostess for 30-40 people. It was amazing and wonderful that so many people came to support me, or were curious to see what it was all about, or just -I don't know. I was generally smiling all the time, but that's my default mode when I'm scared in a crowd. Or scared around people I am uncertain I can trust. So I'm not sure how visible it was that the only things that went through my mind was literally "Is it over soon?" "Breathe, breathe, breathe" "Where's Lady T? Where's lady M" (not mom) "I can't breathe. I can't breathe" "I need to get away".  I got so many compliments though, so many kind feedbacks. I just couldn't take it in. i should have taken my anxiety medication, but I was too focused on not collapsing that it slipped my mind. I got so many hugs.
And then it was over.
I got a text from my dad the next day saying he was proud of me. And my mom called and said she was worried I was about to faint during the speech. Which was true. I was about to faint. I'm impressed she noticed.
I'm scared to meet Lady T in two weeks now. I didn't dare ask her what she thought. Her opinion matters too much to me.

The next day I felt pretty okay. Almost proud. Content that I did it.
Over the weekend the restless energy resumed. It's like I can't sit still, I don't have the energy to run off with it. Yet I don't want to do anything. I don't have the mental energy to start anything, but I don't want to sit with my thoughts either.

Roomie and I had a huge fight, talk, thing. Emotions ran high. Tears and accusations where tossed around. And then we both got so drained we just gave up. The weird thing is.. It felt almost a little cleansing. He's not angry about me moving out. He's angry about me omitting the truth to him when I broke up. He's angry that I didn't let him protect me. But I couldn't. I was trying to protect him. Besides I don't believe I deserve protecting, so how could I let him?
I think he'll be okay. Eventually. If he dares to seek help. He has to feel hurt and angry for a while. And I'm terribly sorry that I am the one causing all this pain for him. But... at the same time... I never meant to, and I am also hurting too. The worst of the hurt happened to me, not him. He doesn't quite understand that. Maybe he never will. But that is on him - not on me.

I'm exhausted now.
I don't really want to be at home, but I got no where else to go.

congrats on a successful exhibition, sceal!  it sounds wonderful! :applause:

by the by, i get what you mean about not just wanting to be one of the crowd.  i think your exhibition is an example of how you're not.  it brought a sense of satisfaction to me, and pride for you - both things that feel really good.  you impacted my life in a very meaningful way with it, and i don't doubt the same for Lady T.  i know it's difficult to see our uniqueness when we have all kinds of neg. statements running thru our heads.  you have friends, each one different, individual, and doesn't each one impact your life in their own way?   you've done that here, too.  i appreciate you, miss you when you're not here.  honest, i do.

sorry about the fight w/ your roomie.  soon . . .   love and hugs, sweet sceal :hug:

Thank you San, for your words.
They mean alot to me. And if you're in doubt, you've impacted mine too. Enriched it with support, kind words and thoughts when I've needed it the most, and given me things to think about that has helped me alot.

I moved out a big chunk of my stuff today. It's only the first load of hopefully max 3. I'm moving into a tiny, tiny room at my parents. And I wont have space for nearly half of my stuff, so I have to let go of all of my furniture - with the exception of my desks and laundrymachine. They have a big enough house, but after my sister and I moved out it's been filled up with other stuff. My mother offered to give up her hobby room, but I can't do that. It'll drive her crazy. She loves her sewing.  I feel a little empty and quite stressed about the move. Not so much getting the stuff out, but the change. Saying goodbye to Roomie, for real.  It's no longer something that is happening in near-future. It's happening for real in 3 weeks. And at the end of march I just have to come back and clean up the appartment and hopefully get my deposit back. Fingers crossed.

I'm noticing I am capable of doing alot more things these days. I thought I would end up in a depression or be so exhausted due to stress. I'm worn out, but I'm not exhausted. I have almost everyday with stuff the next two weeks, and it's a bit much.. But also, I know I can handle it. I think that by staying busy I'm keeping my thoughts and emotions in check, and I might not be so affected. we'll see.

I am still worried about seing Lady T on Wednesday. It's silly, I know. But I am. I am worried.

from what you've written about lady T, i think it'll go well. 

yeah, it sounds like it's going to be quite the adjustment - not just the move but the living area as well.  i hope it all goes smoothly as possible.

keep taking care of you as best you can while you're going thru this, ok?  love and hugs, my sweet sceal. :hug:

I am sure it will go well too. I just feel embarrassed.

I think moving out is the right choice. I get annoyed when people ask me if roomie has a plan or if he knows where he is moving. O think I get annoyed because it reaffirm my thinking that I should be responsible for him. Help him out. That I am an utter b$&27# for moving out on him.
That's not why they are asking, or atleast that's what I hope. I hope they are asking due to small talk and doesn't actually believe it is my job to find him a place or to stay put.

I have also noticed that I get annoyed at people who give me advice on other things than what I ask. For example. I needed help cancelling a date. I am not ready. And I said " how do I phrase this cancellation so I don't give an elaborate explanation OR give room for finding a new date". And people just responded with either elabore excuses, lies or things that would imply another time would be good.  And it bothers me. It makes me feel like they aren't actually listening.

I feel stronger now though. I might be stricter and restricting alot more. But I am finding things that I like and I stand by them. I don't find excuses to why I like them, and I don't let myself be swayed by other people's disapproval or opinion. Some of the tiney

wow, sceal - good for you!  just realizing, then knowing boundaries, etc., what we like and don't like can be big deals, and getting to that next step of sticking up for them is a major deal, to my mind.  so proud of you, my dear.  that strength of yours is coming thru for sure!

i totally get what you're saying about others w/ unnecessary advice, elaborate explanations, lies, etc.  i really think that some people aren't able to hear what we're saying because they don't comprehend the idea of being straightforward, simple, and/or to the point, but with diplomacy, not elaboration.  one of my pet peeves in that department is when someone suggests to me a way to do something, that i'm not keen on, and they begin giving me all kinds of reasons why it would be the best way.  they just have been programmed like that, i think - i used to do that because of that very reason, but have been able to stop.  i find it irritating now. 

same for asking about your roomie.  absolutely, he's not your responsibility, and i also hope no one is trying to lay that on you.  again, i think it's programming - i've found that an awful lot of people have a difficult time w/ communication because they hear something different from what the other person is saying, or they're letting their own background (like people-pleasing, taking care of everyone, that kind of stuff) get in the way of clarity.  i've developed the habit of shutting people down when they do that to me by telling them i've got to think about myself now and let him do the same for himself.  sometimes, a simple 'i don't know' lets them know i don't want to discuss it. 

sorry you feel embarrassed about Lady T seeing your work. 

sending love and a hug filled w/ continued self-knowledge :hug:

Lady T "We need to talk about something you won't like".

Me. "No. I don't want to" *stares quietly out the window ignoring her.*

Me: "When do you leave?"

Lady T "The summer"

oh dear. 

will she be gone for good or return after the summer?  as one who is struggling w/ her t being gone for several months due to surgery, i can totally relate.  i feel for you, my sweet sceal.  sending you much love and a warm, caring, compassionate embrace :bighug:

She is letting me go. Ending my treatment.
She believes that I need to experience being without a psychologist for a while, and to experience that I can handle it. Even through the hard periods.
There wont be a back-up or a safety net. She says we will work on a crisis plan. But I wanted to avoid a crisis plan, I don't want to end up in a place where I need it again.

I am heartbroken right now. I'm terrified. I asked her if she was afraid of me being to dependent on her. She said she is and she isn't. The truth is though, I am dependent on her. I am. There's no point denying it. I didn't confirm that I am. I am scared that if I tell her she'll get rid of me sooner.
She asked me how I was feeling. And I said it makes me feel like I have no control or say over what happens to me in my life. There's a imbalance in power, and no matter what I say or do - it wont change anything. She confirms that there is an imbalance in power. There is. She has power over me, she had that from the beginning.

I am scared and sad that I wont see her again after the summer.  I wish it would be  more like "I think we should try a 6 months period now without treatment, and then check in in 6 months and see how it's going. If it is working, or if you need more time". I'm not sure if I can ask for that.
Health care system here works differently than in the US or UK. I don't want to go in debth of it, in case it gives away where I am living.

Oh no. This sounds awful! I would feel terrified in this situation too. Shocked too, as it sounds as though it's come out of nowhere.

Is it worth asking if you can perhaps try a few months without treatment and then get an appointment after this time? Just wondering if you have anything to lose by asking.

:hug:

Quote from: Snowdrop on February 05, 2020, 07:58:38 PM
Is it worth asking if you can perhaps try a few months without treatment and then get an appointment after this time? Just wondering if you have anything to lose by asking.
:hug:

I was thinking of that. I will try, or atleast, I will make an argument for why.  I am sure I can handle the depressions when they hit, I can use my GP alot during my depressive periods.
But I don't know what to do when I lose touch with reality. When my sense of reality gets skewed, or when the paranoia sets in and doesn't let go.

It feels like everytime I get a chance at stability it gets taken away from me.
It is crazy to rely so much on one person. But she has been the one stable constant in my life that has been in my corner. She's faught for me when I couldn't.  She believes me.
And now I am losing her.

I can't breathe.

I am almost without words. I would be shocked and terrified too. This is an enormous blow.

that sucks, and i'm mad at her for doing this.  as you've said, you've been showing signs of feeling stronger, but i would think that a period of stability w/ that, and further progress would be more helpful.  and, why no consulting w/ you on this?  why not something more gradual?  or, like was suggested, a trial period?   :pissed: 

i don't blame you for any of your feelings, especially when you have such a life-changing event right in front of you.  i'm mad that she didn't at least wait till you were settled in your new space till she mentioned something about this.  it's not that i'm doubting your strength, sceal, but i don't like at all the way she went about it and her timing sucked.  grrrr!!!

we're here with you.  i don't think it's crazy at all - back in the day, i had a beautiful dog who was with me thru so many bad times, and having to get rid of him on a sudden notice almost did me in.  we do depend on those stable things in our lives - they're the ones who help us keep a modicum of stability for ourselves.

ooooohhh . . ..   i wish i could do something more than send love and hugs your way.  it's what i've got, tho, and they're heading out to you. :hug: :hug:

Notalone: It is. Dealing with uncertainty isn't my strong suit.

San: I'm not really angry with her. I'm sad. I understand part of where she's coming from. She has given me an extra year after all, considering she changed jobs from outpatient care (for people like me) to In-patient care (people admitted to the psych.ward). It's extra work for her every second week.  But I will try and ask her for a gradual one. Or a better safety net than "if you get suicidal, then call this number".

I am sad, and I am worried. It's not the best timing to give me this notice. I wish she would have let me move first, and deal with the things surrounding it. But, at the same time. I think she knows, as well as I know, 3 month notice would definitively send me into a panic. I notice though that emotionally i'm pushing her away now. To protect myself. And I'm also disdainful of other people again. I don't want to be around them, and also. I don't want to be alone. I guess I don't want to be alone because I can't quite calm down. And I don't want to be around other people because I feel like I have to perform. Although they do give me a break from me. I guess, I just don't want to deal with new people?

I have been reading some of my patient-journal. I shouldn't, but I got access to it. And the last three session notes (excluding this week) kind of stings. It makes me come across as both needy and as being stuck. I told her I felt like my life is on pause, and she agrees to this assessment in the journalnote, but then she also writes that I am in my habitual mode.  I suppose I am reading this to put salt in my wound, but also to push her further away. My ego is quite fragile, and I am in such dire need of affirmations and positive feedback from others. It's embarressing to admit it. But I crave it, even if I don't actually dare to believe it. It also stresses me out. Having no feedback on a regular basis is better. Then I don't feel like I constantly have to prove I'm good enough, but also I don't get blows to my ego sending me into a downward spiral.
I'm weak and sensitive. Too sensitive. I pretend to be strong, and sometimes I convince myself that I am strong, but it doesn't take much to get me off my footing. I'm not proud of this, I also don't know what to do about it.

I have been setting alot more boundaries in my life than before. I'm almost getting used to it, at least certain kinds of boundaries. And that is good, but again... It's so easy to make me start thinking like you do, they do, anyone else. I either go from full doubting and questioning what everyone says and do, to fully believe what everyone says and do. I change because constantly questioning is exhausting, and sometimes I need a break. But it makes me question myself, about my PD. I still feel like Lady T is telling me that I wont get any better.
I guess a part of me kind of hoped I would get stronger, get a more sturdy foundation. But if she gives me up, which is what it feels like then what?
I know I got people in my life, but I don't have anyone in my corner quite like I had her.

I got a meeting with my Mr. T at the SA support centre on Monday. I will have to talk to him about this. And my GP on Tuesday. I panicked and booked an appointment with her..
I am terrified that I will end up becoming paranoid and delusional again. I don't want to go back to that. I really don't.

i don't want you to go back to that either, i really don't.

my sweet sceal,  you really have made great strides in some areas, and you are very important to me.  you are so very generous, kind, and supportive, and i've seen your strength, even when it's not been apparent to you, yourself.  i can see the strides you've made, the changes you've put in place, - i remember when you'd go to your group and you'd run out or sit in a corner, and then, eventually, how you were able to continue to be more and more present.  that's just one example.

i would think that this news on top of all you're dealing with regarding your move would create a disturbance leading to fears for the future.  i'm with you, sceal.  always.  i can also understand wanting to begin distancing yourself from her.  it feels like something i would do - self-protection, of course.  we've got you, we see you and all the positives that go along w/ that, even if you don't see them.  keep taking care of yourself as best you can. sending love and a hug filled w/ support. :bighug:

I wrote Lady T a letter. It's a little all over the place. Usually I re-write these things a million times. I need an ending, but I don't know how to write one.
I don't dare to actually write the words "please give me more time" or "please, don't give up on me yet". Especially not when what if it is out of her control? She do have bosses as well, and a family that I'm taking time from.

Thank you for reminding me of that, San. I'd forgotten. I do that, I forget how bad things used to be. I do feel stronger than I was, I know that. But I just... I have this little voice telling me I still have a long way to go, and if I end up going it alone... then I'll end up taking the wrong turn somewhere and not end up where I want to go, or should go. But get lost in a maze of my own brain.

It honestly doesn't take much for me to get paranoidy thoughts. I feel them every day.  This week I got a package in the mail that I needed to pick up, but... It didn't have a clear sender. so I didn't know where it'd come from. I couldn't remember having ordered anything. I got the feeling that someone was playing a prank on me, or wishing me ill. and it feels so stupid saying it out loud. I don't tell Lady T about this, because I'm embarrassed. Eventhough I can hear how stupid it is.. there's this feeling. I still fully believe it to be true. And it's hard to ignore those feelings.

just a couple quick comments, sceal -

i don't think you have to find the 'right' way to end that letter - it's not an essay to be graded, but your thoughts and feelings.  if they're messy, so be it.  that's how you're feeling right now, so it'll be real and true.

i think your fears and anxiety for the future are a product of what you're going thru right now.  your future is unknown.  it makes sense to me that you'd feel nervous.

i don't think you're stupid - i've felt that way about emails!  you don't have to ignore your feelings.  maybe you want to save the package for a time when you can be with someone you trust, or wait till you move, open it with your parents there.  maybe you'll hear from the person who sent it, asking if you received it.  you have time, sweetie. 

take care of yourself the best way you know, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 08, 2020, 08:18:14 PM
i don't think you have to find the 'right' way to end that letter - it's not an essay to be graded, but your thoughts and feelings.  if they're messy, so be it.  that's how you're feeling right now, so it'll be real and true.

:yeahthat: I also just wrote a letter to my T, who I will see for the last time tomorrow. How do you put those feelings into words? Impossible to express those feelings with the intensity and depth that is inside.

I'm glad you told us about the package. Feelings are never stupid.

Oh, I opened the package. It wasn't anything scary, it was an exchange. But it took me 3 days to decide whether to pick it up or not. To pay for it or not. it was constantly on my mind. It's hard to describe really, but this was a super mild case.

I had a fight with roomie again last night. I am the worst person possible, if I had been on the recieving end of my treatment of him when being at rock bottom I don't know what I would have done! I don't think I would have handled it.
I am just so sad and so frustrated that he is so paralyzed, that he doesn't care much anymore. I have so little patience with people who are stuck in their depressions and refuse to ask for help or take any steps to get out of it.  I wish I wasn't like this, because it's not fair. He deserves a lot better treatment than I can give him. He's in such a dark place, and nothing I do or say will or can help him. I know he will have to want this for himself. I know he needs to do the work. But it hurts so much. And I wish I could help. I also know I'm probably the last person to help him, since I am the cause for his despair.
I just want to hug him and tell him it'll be better. But I can't. I don't know if it will.
What if he is right, that things will never look better for him?
I asked him if he is suicidal, he says no. he is adamant that he isn't. He doesn't want me to reach out to his mom, he doesn't want to be a burden on her. Because she got enough dealing with his sister.
if only he had a person he could talk to, a professional, one who was in his corner. So he wouldn't feel so alone, someone who could help him see things from a different perspective.

I guess what I really wish is to know that he will be okay, so that I could feel less guilty and ashamed for moving out and trying to move on.

Talked to Mr. T today.
It helped. Although he is pretty harsh and it makes me wonder if I am generally in need of alot of sugarcoating. It's not the right term, but I don't know the proper one in English.

I like that he is so direct. He knows I can handle it, and I have asked for it. Although it gets unpleasant at times. Today I felt unpleasant and weak. Not enjoyable. But then again, very little feels enjoyable these days.

We talked about lady T. And the fact that for the past year, or since the summer at least, I have spent too much time in therapy using her as fire extinguisher rather than a therapist. I think he is right, and I need both. I need a place where I can ventilate and to get feedback on when my reality is slipping.  It might be long and far between each time now, but it still happens and it is still pretty hard when it does.

My homework is to set a goal, divide them and then set s time limit so that it can become more structured for me to work. Something to hold on to. So it doesn't become fire extinguishing.

He also said I need to talk to her. And I will. I will finalize the letter tomorrow and deliver it on Wednesday.

the situation w/ your roomie is a tough one - it's always difficult to watch someone hurting, especially if we care about them.  i'm sorry he won't get the help he needs - he really is the only one who can help himself.  still, it's a hard place for you to be, a hard thing for you to see.  i hope he'll step up for himself, but if he doesn't, it's not on you, sceal.  i can feel your frustration, and i think that's a sign that you are doing the right thing by moving out and onward - you're taking care of yourself.  that kind of attitude he's carrying around is toxic to your environment.

glad you talked to mr. T, and that it went well.  sounds like he gave you a different perspective on the situation.  personally, i like perspectives - they can make all the difference.  good for you for finishing the latter and giving it to lady T.

i think you're doing really well, sceal.  it may seem like trudging at times, but you are continuing to move forward, step by step.  and, i think the word 'sugarcoating' made sense.  personally, i'd rather have people be straight with me than sugarcoat what they want to say.

love and hugs, sceal, full of strength. :hug:

Thank you San.
I too think I've made a lot of progress. The interessting thing that I am noticing now is that although the hard periods are over quicker, it's easier for me to change my energies when I'm not home to something more positive than being consumed by worry and fear like I would have a year ago.
But something else that is also happening is that I feel my emotions far more intenser now. They aren't behind a foggy veil. They are now out in the open, in full flower. They just aren't constant. I still don't know what all the feelings are. I don't have that connection yet.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 10, 2020, 05:46:19 PM
the situation w/ your roomie is a tough one - it's always difficult to watch someone hurting, especially if we care about them.  i'm sorry he won't get the help he needs - he really is the only one who can help himself.  still, it's a hard place for you to be, a hard thing for you to see.  i hope he'll step up for himself, but if he doesn't, it's not on you, sceal.  i can feel your frustration, and i think that's a sign that you are doing the right thing by moving out and onward - you're taking care of yourself.  that kind of attitude he's carrying around is toxic to your environment.

:yeahthat:

Quote from: Sceal on February 10, 2020, 10:22:34 PM
I too think I've made a lot of progress.

You have indeed! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Quote from: Sceal on February 10, 2020, 10:22:34 PM
But something else that is also happening is that I feel my emotions far more intenser now. They aren't behind a foggy veil. They are now out in the open, in full flower. They just aren't constant. I still don't know what all the feelings are. I don't have that connection yet.

Idk if it helps you to know this, but I still don't always know what all my feelings are either. I guess that will maybe come for both of us when the time is right? When we wouldn't be overwhelmed, or something?

Quote from: Sceal on February 10, 2020, 10:27:51 AM
It helped. Although he is pretty harsh and it makes me wonder if I am generally in need of alot of sugarcoating. It's not the right term, but I don't know the proper one in English.

I like that he is so direct. He knows I can handle it, and I have asked for it. Although it gets unpleasant at times. Today I felt unpleasant and weak. Not enjoyable. But then again, very little feels enjoyable these days.

Maybe it's OK, necessary even to have a bit of sugarcoating or to have needed it in the past? If I understand you correctly anyway, it could be a kind of protection. Sometimes even my own realisations send me spinning, never mind harsh and direct words from docs and Ts. If you're feeling you can handle it now, that shows progress! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

To Blueberry:
I think you might be right, that we will eventually be able to learn these unknown emotions when things are less turbulent. Perhaps if we keep trying to put words to them they will give meaning in the end?

I feel like I don't really have much choice but to handle the directness of Mr.T (he is a psychiatric nurse and not technically a therapist). Especially since I did ask him to be frank with me. It has made me realize I need the pampering from others though. Perhaps a bit too much...

---
I have noticed I have a hunger for compliments. I crave them, even when I don't believe them. Even if I think they are lying when they give me compliments. But the absence of kind words makes me feel like I am failing. And critics (unless I have asked for it spesifically) makes me feel like I am Wrong. That there is something inherently wrong with me.  This new craving of compliments are annoying. I am hunting for them, I am trying to do my best in order to seek approval rather than working for me and doing what I think is fun or best.

Re: moving and roomie.
I don't think he has a new place yet. I have found several places for him. But I don't think he has reached out. Maybe he wont until he sees my PC and food and blanket isn't in the apartment anymore. Last minute stuff makes me stressed out. I wish he could just get it fixed. I wish he would grow up a little.  I am worried for him. He is stuck at rock bottom. I wonder if I should reach out to his family... He doesn't want me to though.
Maybe I should stop meddling. But it's so hard to just... Do nothing. To not help. To let him go.

of course it's hard to let him go.  you're right there, seeing it happen.  i've had to let my mex. hub go lately because he's so triggering, and i know he's struggling a lot with no job, and i've been a great source of comfort and support for him.  still, i know it's best for me to cut the cord, so to speak because, altho i've given him an opportunity to possibly make some money, he never followed up on it (every week he'd tell me 'next week i'm going to start'), and there's nothing i can do about that.

i don't believe there's anything you can do about your roomie, either.  sometimes, people have to hit rock bottom before they begin to climb out of their hole.  but, that's not on us.  i'm sorry he's going thru this, and you're having to see it.

i understand the situation w/ mr. t - wanting frankness from him, yet needing gentleness and pampering from others.  i was just told by my interim t something similar - we are bereft as adults of gentle touch, words, and direction, yet the need for honesty from those whose advice we seek is monumental to building trust.  i believe you are a sweet soul, sceal, truly precious, and a very caring, concerned, lovely person all around.  thank you for being you.  love and hugs :hug:

To San:
I hope that letting your mex hub go will help you. I recall having to let a friend go once when she was so far down and so desperate. But there was nothing I could do, and she only made me feel worse. But there was at least a little distance when I withdrew from her life. In roomies life, I am watching his life fall apart as I take away his security blanket (me).
My GP says that some men need to hit rock bottom before they are able to actually take choices and make changes. She also says that things might go really really bad for him, but that it isn't my responsibility.
I know she is right, but I don't know how to let him go. Or the fear or the feeling of responsibility.
All I know is that I don't want to be in this position ever again. I really don't.

I had the worst nightmares last night. I haven't had them so bad for a really long time. It was awful. I woke myself up and stayed up for an hour before trying to sleep again. I had more bad dreams, but not quite nightmare. I don't even know where my brain got any of these demons from.

Tomorrow I am seeing Mr. T and Lady T. It's pretty heavy to see them both on one day, but that's when he was available.. I take what I can get.
I worry that Lady T hasn't read my letter, or that she is annoyed with me. My GP says it's important not to get too attached to them, but it is hard not to. I am trying to not be too attached. My GP also agrees that I aren't finished in therapy now and that she'll send an application for an external slot if I need it.

i agree with your GP about some people having to hit rock bottom.  One thing that helped me with this kind of thing is realizing that the other person has had plenty of time and chances to go get their own help and support for their issues, but for whatever reason, they have refused to do it.  your roomie has issues that need to be looked at, explored, and resolved, just like you.  he's seen you attend groups, go to multiple professional helpers, and utilize your time and energy in tackling your issues so you can live a more successful, healthy life.  he's seen you do all this, so he knows that there's help out there.  he needs to do the work, but he won't.  it's on him, sceal.

no matter what happens, he's had all kinds of time to take care of himself in a healthier way, but he's chosen not to.  his choice, not yours.  so, no matter what he does from this moment forward, it's still and always has been his own choice.  we can't make people choose healthier ways to live.  we can't love people enough so that they start loving themselves (i know cuz i've tried that with several husbands!).  and, yeah, the people that are necessary for us to let go of are the ones who make us feel worse rather than better.  i've done that with friends as well.

sorry about the nightmares - i don't doubt your subconscious is struggling with all this.  hope you get better sleep tonite.  keep taking care of you, ok?  personally, i do believe you're doing the right thing by getting out of there.  i'm just sorry he's making it so difficult for you.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San.
I read those words this morning and I just reread them now in bed.

You're right. I can't love him enough to make him love himself enough to seek help. I have to allow him to make his own choices.

I broke down during packing today. No one has bothered to offer to help me out. It hurts. I always offer. Why doesn't people offer to help me out? The only one who asked was roomie. When he came home from work, which of course left me in tears. We talked a bit. But avoided the big talks. We avoided fighting.

I went in the shower and when I came out he had poured me a glass of Bailey's. To cheer to the good memories. That was incredible nice of him. I really liked that. I can't drink it though. It makes me sick- he had forgotten about that. Baileys was one of my favourite drinks before surgery. But I had a sip, that's okay.

It's the last time I am sleeping here. I am moving out tomorrow.

Sceal, thinking of you and the physical and emotional stress of your move.  :hug:

 :yeahthat:  much love and a big hug filled with support, caring, and, if i were there, i would've asked if you wanted help. :bighug:  we all need o be asked sometimes.

thinking of you, sweet sceal.  right beside you - you're not alone.  i know this is rough, but i also know you'll get through it.  sending love and a hug filled with care and support. :hug:

Thinking of you Sceal  :grouphug:

Sceal, I'm thinking of you too. :hug:

Thank you all.
I have now moved most of my things. But I got inflammation in my arms and emotional drain didn't let me pick up everything.

I am thinking alot on my roomie. I hope he will be okay. I hope that people will help him out, and that he will find some inner strength to figure things out. He could need all the thoughts and prayers he could get.

I get sad, and I started crying infront of my folks. It made them uncomfortable. But after a long time mom decided that I needed to be hugged and comforted. Which was true, it was what I needed. I just wish it wasn't so awkward for her.  But I think it is good they saw me crying.

I got the house for myself for a few weeks now. But the coming week feels super busy. Which is good. It's less room for thinking and feeling.
I keep having to fight the urge to eat.
I have been eating all day. I think I am looking for comfort and I don't know how else to get it.

i'm just glad your mom finally was able to hug you.  and, i don't doubt you need comfort - there's a big hole in your life where your roomie used to be, and it wouldn't surprise me if you're grieving the loss right now.  we often fall back on old behaviors when in the midst of grief.  it's a very messy time.

sending a hug filled w/ support and prayers for your roomie. :hug:

sending love and a hug filled w/ comfort for you. :hug:

Glad your mom was able to give you a hug even though it felt uncomfortable to her. It makes sense that you are thinking about your roomie a lot. Praying for him that he is able to make steps to take care of himself. Praying for you too Sceal. Completely understand the eating. Take your time unpacking. Put on music, T.V., silence; whatever will be helpful to yourself during this transition. If able, buy yourself something special (not necessarily expensive) for your new home.

I went to collect the last (hopefully) things today other than furniture and my washing machine that he's free to use until he finds a place.
I got there after I had a conversation with Mr T. Not a particularly helpful session today, not bad either. Mostly it was just... unstructured. But perhaps that's what I needed, a little bit of a break.

The week has been tough. Not as bad as I thought or feared. Maybe because I've kept busy. I'm agitated easily though. I don't feel like doing much, but I also definitively don't feel like doing nothing.  My arm is still painful, but I think it's my body's way of saying "listen! slow down!" and I'm just not willing. I feel like I got to move, move, move. Because if I sit still, if I think, if I feel.. I might not get back up again. (which of course is a lie, because I've faced worse). 
Anyway, I saw roomie today. He's sick. I don't know what's wrong with him, but something is really wrong. He's been having trouble for months, he has such a fear of doctors that despite knowing he needs to go, he just wont. So I called their office today. It's 13 days wait time, it's too long. I will call again tomorrow morning to see if they have an opening slot. I am really worried about him. I am worried he'll end up on the street because he's so fatigued he's not able to go and look for a new place, it might be his depression. It might be that he is pushing on all my "motherly" buttons. Or he might just really be suffering.
I told him he needs to reach out to his friends, to his mother. He can't do this alone, and that it's not fair that he's putting it all on me. Only on me. I'm not the person who's supposed to be helping him through this.
I feel suffocated. Because how can I? How can I just walk away when I don't know if he'll be ok? Hurting, sure... but whatever he is doing right now is the oposite of managing or being ok. He's alienated everyone, says he's fine when he's not.
I really hope I get through the phone lines tomorrow, because I he desperatedly need help. Now. Not in 14 days. Now.

Quote from: Sceal on February 26, 2020, 07:06:50 PM
I told him he needs to reach out to his friends, to his mother. He can't do this alone, and that it's not fair that he's putting it all on me. Only on me. I'm not the person who's supposed to be helping him through this.

:yeahthat:  True!

QuoteI told him he needs to reach out to his friends, to his mother. He can't do this alone, and that it's not fair that he's putting it all on me. Only on me. I'm not the person who's supposed to be helping him through this.

^^^ Definitely. Thinking of you. :hug:

When i called for him to get an appointment with the GP I also told them I'm concerned about him and his mental state. He didn't take that well at all. He got quite angry wtih me. And late last night he sent me a text message demanding to know who else I've told and what did I tell. My fear of confrontation and conflict is taking over.
I did it because I'm concerned, and because I need someone else to help him. I can't continue to do so.
I've told his mom too, he will be furious if he finds out.
I'm not doing so well.

I'm sorry Sceal. :hug:

I think you absolutely did the right thing telling people. And you did it out of concern, both for him and for yourself. It sounds as though he's too wrapped up in himself to see this, but it's true. You definitely did the right thing.

I hope that his mother can step forward more now that she knows.

Sending love and hugs. :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on February 28, 2020, 07:15:14 AM
I did it because I'm concerned, and because I need someone else to help him. I can't continue to do so.

:thumbup: :applause: for not wanting to continue supporting him and for taking the steps to discontinue. Sending lots of support to you!

thank you guys.
I lied to him and said no, i havent told anyone. he hasn't responded to me yet. I feel sick to my core when I think of  it. its not in my value to outright lie to someone, even if I do it for Good reasons. what if later he finds out about it and gets lasting trust issues, I mean more than he already has. then that is on me. I know how awful it is to walk around and not be sure if I can trust people or not.

I went to the SA support centre yesterday and I talked to one of the staff people there. she said that I did the right thing, I didn't do it out of spite or to harm him. but to care for him and for myself. and that now I need to listen to what I need to make choices that is right for my life, not his. I need to do what is best for me. she also told me that when she got divorced it took about a year for it to not hurt so much. but they had a small child together so there was always a reminder for her that her child would celebrate things without her father. so the hurt took longer.

so I am now practicing not being taken by the snowballing effect of thoughts and emotions of guilt and shame. I really do feel like I have let him down. I do feel like I am not really allowed to stand up for myself. that I am supposed to suffer in silence in a bad environment. its not that he is bad or abusive, its just not healthy for us to stay together. I am not Good for him, and he suffocates me with the constant need for me to fix everything.

I am trying my best to be strong. trying my best to distract myself, but I am so exhausted I could barely get out of bed today. I did though, three times. and I walked the dogs and cuddled them a little. but I just feel like going back under the blanket and dissappear from the world.

Good job of getting support for yourself at the SA centre. Also  :thumbup: walking the dogs. Sometimes that is a big accomplishment.

"Not healthy to stay together" is enough reason to leave. No he is not bad or abusive, but the relationship is not good for you. I know this is really hard. In the long run, I think, it is probably better for him too, although it is 100% okay to do what you need to do to take care of yourself. I know your heart is really hurting.

Thank you notalone, those words means alot for me to hear coming from someone else.
Somehow when they come from me, they don't feel quite... allowed or meaningful. Like I am lying to myself.

I still don't believe I am worthy of much, or of anything really. Which has always bothered me because I am constantly trying to do things that would make it seem like I do believe I am worthy. Taking place in the world. I've always dreamt about doing something that mattered, something important. But who am I, to do that? When I have no worth? It's a paradox.

I've been utterly exhausted the last few days. I haven't had any contact with him, I assume he is still angry with me. Still pondering in his world whom he can trust and who he can't. I know that loneliness all too well, but right now, in this moment (this will change) I can say that I do believe he needs to make the changes of his own violition. It doesn't matter if I make him, or if his mother makes him make the changes, or take any desicion. It wont last for long if he isn't doing it of his own will. But he just needs a kick to get started. And someone to hold his hand I think.

Today I was fearful that staying with my parents would flare up my allergies to such a degree that I will be in a constant mindfog and heavy body that I wont be able to get out of it until I move out of here. But it started to lift after dinner time, so I think although my allergies are probably having a party of their own.. This exhaustion is purely emotional and stress induced.
I have been listening to Brene Brown alot the last few days, and been trying to convince myself to do some introspection, and look for answers and clarity within myself. I haven't gotten the hang of actually sitting down and doing the work to do it. But I hope that by listening to youtube clips of her is a step in the right direction, it's a start.
She said something in one of the videos I watched that got to me. Which is "I will determine what is right for me. You will not", It is paraquoting, as I don't remember the second half all that well. But it is about having boundaries to choosing what is right for oneself.

Due to my PF, I think I often revert to others opinions of me to decide whether I shall go through with something or not. If it's too conflicting in a negative way I wont pursue it, but if it'll put me in a positive light in some way: the chances are much higher that I will go through with it.  But I often will need "social permission", I need others to tell me it's okay to do this or that. To think this or that, to feel this or that.
I am working on allowing myself not to ask others for permission in this. It is a hard habit to crack though, especially since there are so many other habits I need to kick at the same time. and like my old psychology professor said "you wont be able to make more than 1 change at a time, the brain needs all the energy to maintain the willpower to not revert back into old habits".
I think that's very much true.  And which is why I'm not moving forward at the speed I'd like to. Because I'm trying to change and deal with too much at once. It's always been like this. It's like it's never good enough to deal with one thing at a time, and that it's not good enough to repeat the learning process for the same thing over an extended period of time until it sits beneath your skin... Because everything has to happen now, now,now. But preferably Yesterday.

Hi Sceal,
I am popping over to give you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I really appreciated you doing that in my Journal, and I just wanted to make sure you knew how much it meant - thank you. 

I haven't heard Brene Brown talk before, but I have read one of her books, and I thought she has some really positive things to say, and I'm glad you're finding her talks helpful.  I might have a look for some too. 

I related so much to what you wrote in the second paragraph of  your journal entry - and I agree it's a paradox to feel that way.    It touched me emotionally to read those words, and I want to say that I feel you have a lot of worth, and that you are worthy of so much - and yet, I know how difficult it is to feel that within oneself, it's very emotive to consider that.

I really like what you said (quoting Brene) about having boundaries and choosing what is right for oneself.

Hope  :)

my dear sweet sceal,

the idea of taking care of another adult is something we've often been taught is our responsibility (and i'm not talking about someone who is physically infirm) but he is grown and able - if he chooses - to take care of himself.  honestly, too many times people leech onto others they see as strong so they don't have to do the work.  i've had too many of them in my life, and this pattern seems familiar.

you've done what you could do for him, and i commend you for that.  now, it's up to him to reach out to others in his life, or if he needs a stick, they're the ones who can wield it.  it's ok for you to be done with him and his life.  you've done more than enough - you've shown him through your own behaviors that it's ok to ask for help, how to get help, how and why to do the work to help yourself.  he will remain a child emotionally if he's treated like one.  it's not your job anymore to hold his hand while he crosses the street.

the other thing is that you've given him plenty of notice that you were leaving, so it's not like this was a shock to him.  he knew it was coming, and he could've started doing something different with his life to fill in that hole.  he chose not to.  his anger at being 'found out' is his own shame or guilt (in my opinion only) for not doing what he needs to do to help himself.  his trust issues were already there, so that's not on you, either. 

i agree w/ the counselor who told you it's time to start looking at your life, your wants and needs now.  believe me, i do understand how difficult this can be - i've had to do it before, and it's no easy task.  when we're used to taking care of someone, trying to show them the way, encouraging them to do what they need to do, it's hard to give up that role.  it leaves a hole in our own lives.  i believe that hole now needs to be filled w/ you, sceal, your wishes, values, enjoyments, pleasures, what's helpful to you to continue in your healing.

he's either going to pick himself up by his bootstraps, or he will sit in his own puddle of dismay, but that's not on you.  you do not have to answer to him anymore.  i think you lied to him to take care of yourself in that moment, at the same time you were trying to make it as easy as possible for him.  it's ok for you to be focused on yourself now - which may be an alien concept.  i get that.  and grieving.  unfortunately, it just wasn't a healthy relationship, and i think you deserve a lot of credit for recognizing that and taking care of yourself, no matter how much this separation hurts.

forgive my longwindedness.  i feel very badly for you, what you've gone thru with this, what you're going thru now.  i care very much for you and your wellbeing.  i hope you continue to talk to others about this.  i think you did absolutely the right thing for the right reasons.  love and a hug filled w/ angel wings to enfold you as you go thru this difficult time. :hug:

Hope and San: I will respond to you a little later.

---
Just came out from my session with Lady T. She had my letter with her. She said it was a valid and we'll composed and well thought out letter.
She didn't have alot of answers for me though, but she agrees with me that we haven't been following the goal of trauma therapy the last year. Especially not after last summer. That we have touched upon it but then derails.
She's not sure if it's her mistake that this happened. I said I suspect it is me. Not being able to actually use the words and talk about the things I need to talk about. I don't have the guts or the vocabulary to do it.
She said she isn't sure, but she thinks that what I need is stability and more experience in mastering of things. Feeling that I too can achieve thing. That it leads to a genuine sense of mastery and feeling of trust within me. And I told her that I don't disagree with her on this. I do need more stability and feelings of mastery and practice navigating relationships.
She's not wrong.
But she also feels that trauma therapy isn't what's going to be helpful for me for now. She's not sure it ever really will be. She can't say one way or either for sure. I might just not be strong enough to go through the trauma therapy (my words not hers). This saddens me.
If that is the case then... There really isn't much hope.
She also is unsure whether the help that I need for now is by a psychologist. Or even by her. Shes unsure if she is able to continue to help me. That it has any effect.

It hasn't fully sunk in yet. We spent some time talking about roomie too. And the fact that I might be in the middle of a burnout.

I am cold. I don't feel like I want to do anything. Nothing is interesting or important. I am just going through the motions when I have to.
I am so tired. I wake up in the mornings and then I remain awake for 2-3 hours before I need a nap. Caffein doesnt help.

sceal,

i do want you to know that i read what you posted twice, and have thought a lot about it.  i've looked at it from both a forum friend's perspective, and the perspective of a professional.

as a friend, i'm sorry for how bad you're feeling.  i also agree that you may be suffering from burnout, given the circumstances.  moving out is a huge thing to deal with all on its own.  moving on from a relationship is another huge thing to deal with.  moving to a place where your space is much more limited - huge.  and, the news that Lady T dropped on you during all this, while you were dealing w/ these huge things would rock anyone's boat on its own.  it's timing, however, was significant as to the size and depth of it. 

you've been dealing with all these things at the same time, and still trying to put into place a plan for your roomie to get help and support.  sceal, can you see, as i do, how much work you've been doing, physically, mentally, and emotionally in a very short time?  anyone could be burned out from this.  this has been a tremendous amount of work you've been tackling.  now you have a chance to rest for a bit, and that can absolutely cause you to feel like you've crashed.

please, take care of yourself as best you can, ok?  you deserve some tender loving care right now, and i'm sending a hug filled with it. :hug:

as a professional, i don't necessarily agree with Lady t's assessment of you, your strength, and your progress.  what you've just been wrestling with has taken enormous strength, and you got thru it.  i don't know why she didn't point this out to you.  i don't think your case is hopeless.  it may just be that she doesn't have the tools, knowledge, and wisdom needed to take you further.  that happens with t's and clients.  sometimes we outgrow our t's, and there's nothing wrong with that, nothing wrong or weak or hopeless about us when it happens. 

i think it was her duty to keep your therapy on track for you.  there are ways to help clients who don't always have the right words at the exact time they're asked about something.  trauma is all about fear, so being afraid to talk about something seems pretty natural to me.  of course, i don't know you as well as you know you - i only know you from what you've written here.  what i've seen, tho, is someone who continues to persevere, who has overcome quite a few obstacles already, manages situations differently than she used to, and is learning from her experiences with relationships.  the idea that you knew you had to move on from the relationship w/ your roomie is proof of that.

practice with all this stuff comes with time.  you've made some giant steps, which amounts to a great deal of practice.  you'll now be able to assess relationships a little easier, keep boundaries, know what's good for you and what isn't, what you want from another person, how to continue making decisions that are in your own best interest.  i already see you doing these things, even if little by little.  it all counts, and i think you've been doing a really good job for yourself, even if you can't see it.  the practice is what helps instill it, whatever 'it' is,  in yourself.  much love to you.

 :hug:

Dear san, I will attempt to answer both of your well thoughtout and written replies.ni <m sorry it has taken me this long to get back to you.
Mr. T told me today that whenever i am talking sbout my ex it sounds as if I became his second mother and not his girlfriend. that he then used me in that capacity. he didnt have to deal with things because I did it for him. Still, after I moved out I was the one calling the GP for an appointment. soon he will be forced to learn this on his own. I suspect learning thus as an adult is really going to make it all the more difficult for him. and also, since he unintentionally gave me a "mother" identity role it is harder to lose me, as mothers arent supposed to leave.
i cant make up my mind though if this is something he does intentionally or if he is unaware of what he is doing. or that his lack of actions have consequences for other people than himself. if it is the first option; then he is an A#!&6: if it is the second, then he has a much bigger problem.
I do have a really hard time not helping out friends and people I care about who struggle if they ask for it, or if I think my help is useful. my core values is about helping others. but i think that i have been helping others at the expense of my own health and wellbeing far too much in my life, that it is now too difficult to break out of this habit. i still believe that i need to be punished for leaving him. for leaving him in such a bad place. although, if i examine that a bit further; I gave him plenty of warning. he has had plenty of time to figure things out or ask for help elsewhere.  I agree with you that if he is never given the chance to grow up, then he wont. I just hate that I am the one who has to be "responsible" for giving him this chance. that it affects me.
For selfish reasons i wish he would move back to his family. that way he would have a support system. although he might never grow up that way...  but, there would be no chance of me running into him in public.. I wouldnt have to deal with him anymore

i hear you, sceal.  i've made the same mistake myself in relationships, but have also refused to take a mother role with men, and i have lost relationships because of that.  some men really do want someone who will mother them - i'm not saying that's what your roomie did, but it is a possibility.  i've seen this more than once, even with their partner shopping for their clothes, telling them what to wear, what not to wear, laying out their clothes for the day, making their meals cuz 'otherwise he won't eat'.  making appointments for them, calling in sick for them - the list goes on.  all things that an adult does for themselves, but they like to have someone else do it for them.

as helpers, it's very easy to fall into that role.  i've also bent over backwards to help people when i think it would be helpful, but i've gotten caught in that 'caretaker' role more than once.  they weren't taking care of themselves, so i'd step in to 'help' them (gender didn't matter - i'd do it for most everyone).  it ended up with me getting sick, breaking down, feeling like i'm going crazy in my own mind, frustrated, even angry at them cuz they weren't doing what needed to be done for themselves. 

it's a terrible cycle to be stuck in.  one thing that helped me was realizing that it wasn't my job to do for another adult what that adult could do for themselves.  we do need to take care of children, but consequences of us taking care of adults in the same way usually blow back and bite us on the butt!  we end up getting sick mentally, emotionally, and physically because of all the energy and time we've expended on them.  if they turn it back on you, try to make you feel guilty or sorry for them, then they're manipulating you.  and healthy relationships aren't built on manipulations.

if i may add a different perspective here, i think you are giving him a gift by allowing him to be an adult man, figuring out his problems and what he needs to do about them.  yes, it affects you because you've been trained so well to be a helper to whoever asks for help, or looks helpless.  i think this is an opportunity for you to take a look at boundaries, respect for the individuality and autonomy of him and others, and make different decisions about what is actually your problem and what problems belong to the other person.

don't get me wrong - this is tough stuff.  our training has included guilt and shame at not being everything to everybody, but i do believe that training was for the advantage of someone else, and wasn't in our own best interest.  so, we have to deal with the fallout in situations like you describe and do the hard work of changing our own dynamic, our own perspective, and our own behaviors.   

as always, this is only my opinion.  if it doesn't fit for you, please feel free to ignore it.  and, no apologies necessary.  this is very rough terrain you're walking through.    sending love and a hug filled with self-compassion :hug:

Dear San,
I agree that I have doing favours for him for too long that hasn't been... Well favourable. As they are just keeping him in not making choices for himself. I do think that I am painting a very harsh painting of him though. I just want to point out that there is more to him than all that I have recently written about.

I hope that down the line he will see it as a good thing that we moved apart. That he had to start learning to do certain things on his own, not least to ask for help.

---
I am still utterly exhausted. I spend all day trying to get enough energy to go work out. Because it is the only thing right now that gives me joy, and after my workout I get such a rush of joy and energy. And I long for more of that. I think that is the only thing that is preventing me from really go crazy. I am proud of myself and impressed that I am doing this despite being so exhausted. I aren't able to take the dogs for walks, I just let then out in the garden or take them up to the mailbox. It's not enough, but it is all that I can do. I am going to ask my GP for a sickleave tomorrow.

I saw ex-roomie today. I needed his signature. He had some potential good news. And he looked a fraction better than last I saw him. I wasn't left with feeling utterly awful. So there is hope there too.

I am worried about the covid19 thing. Trying not to think too much about it.

sceal, i never thought of him as a bad guy, never.  i understand the dynamic.  i didn't think you painted a harsh picture of him at all.  it was simply that the two of you were caught in such a dynamic - that doesn't necessarily have to do w/ either person being bad.  i also hope he will see the benefit for himself and his life.

congrats on going to work out! :applause:  you've been dealing with so much, i'm not surprised you're exhausted.  i'm glad ex roomie looked a little better.  that's good news.

i think that coronavirus thing is on most everyone's mind right now.  we're washing hands and using alcohol  as a sanitizer like never before.  just stay cautious.  love and hugs, sceal. :hug:

 :hug: Thank you San.

--

I am not doing so well today. I realize I haven't been doing so well for a while really. But sometimes I go into this "survival mode" - where I don't pay attention to how I am really feeling. I guess I stop feeling so much, because I just have to go through the motions. I get thoughts, scary thoughts and worries and I talk about them - I don't talk about my emotions.
But I also realised that I only talk about some of my thoughts, and I always try to defend myself while talking about my thoughts. I rarely ever just "purge" my emotions and my thoughts.  I don't really know who to do that too... Who'd listen without give advice? Who would listen and just give me a hug and hold my hand for a bit.  That's not what Lady T is for. And Mr. T will just ask a lot of questions and challenge my thoughts - which is good, but it prevents me from feeling much. It makes me defensieve.

Yesterday when I went to the gym to workout, everything was fine until I got off the public transport and I had a panic attack. I didn't really realize that was what was happening. I kept thinking I'd left the house with the stove on, and I had boiled potatoes before I left and I knew i'd taken the water out of the pan and left the potatoes in it, so I could have my dinner when I got home. But then I started panicking that the house was burning down and that the dogs would be killed and it would be all my fault. I called my sister, and I told her about it. She didn't really help out, and when I told her she was just making my fears grow stronger she decided to drive to my home to make sure everything was in order. Everything was in order. I thanked her profusely. It would have taken me 45 minutes to get home, for her it was 20 min. And I wouldn't have been in any state to drive a car.  I am very thankful she helped out. Usually when these kinds of panic attack occurs something is happening within me. I'm denying something, I'm ignoring something. I just.. I can't find out what it is, I can't connect with it. I don't know what's going on.

Right now, I am feeling sad.  I think. I think it is sadness. Since I just collapsed on the floor ugly crying. I just don't know why.  I think I am also scared, but I'm not entirely sure what I am scared of. I wish I knew what it was, so I could figure out a way to face it. But being scared without knowing why, it's something else.
I mean I could list up all the things that I've been doing lately. Exhibition, moving, the emotional stuff with my ex, the worry, Lady T leaving, Covid-19.. And it should be enough, more than enough. It just.. I'm not sure that's it.

Quote from: Sceal on March 11, 2020, 09:51:44 PM
I mean I could list up all the things that I've been doing lately. Exhibition, moving, the emotional stuff with my ex, the worry, Lady T leaving, Covid-19.. And it should be enough, more than enough. It just.. I'm not sure that's it.

Before I got to this last paragraph I was thinking about all the huge changes and issues you have dealt with lately. Just one of those is a lot. . . all of those things. . . :fallingbricks:. You didn't even add the therapy/trauma that you are dealing with. Maybe there is something else going on, but don't minimize the impact of what you named.

You might be right, and I'm not discounting it for my burnout/depression. But why the panic attacks now, now that some of it is soon coming to an end?

QuoteBut why the panic attacks now, now that some of it is soon coming to an end?

I know that I can often cope with things at the time that they're happening in order to get through it, but as soon as there's a bit of space, it hits me and I collapse in some way. I don't know if you might be experiencing something similar? :Idunno: It's just a thought. :hug:

i've done the same as snowdrop is describing - can hold it together while all the 'stuff' is going on, but when it's basically over and i have time to breathe, that's when i'll get hit with the exhaustion, anxiety, sometimes even getting physically ill.  i think it's part of our survival mechanism - we've got to get thru all the events, can't afford to collapse (whatever form that might take) until everything's basically over.  that's happened to me too many times to recall.

sending love and hugs, sceal. :hug:

That is a very good point. Maybe you're right. That would explain alot of things in the past I think.

---
They said on the news now that "We now live in uncertain times. And us people don't deal well with our lives being uncertain", and in my quiet mind I thought " Some of us live with uncertainty every single day, and think those of us who have felt that on our bodies and mind for an extended period of time will deal better with the uncertainty with corona now", I suppose that is a silver lining for dealing with trauma-consequences such as paranoia. You get used to be in survival mode. It's not a good thing, generally.. It's just food for thought really.

I am not stressed about being sick, everyone else is stressed about me getting sick. I think I'm too used to being sick in one form or another that it doesn't worry me. It sucks, but it doesn't worry me. Perhaps it should? It seems though that I have caught the Covid-19 virus. I just hope that I wont have long-lasting effects on my lungs after this. I suspect I was even more receptive to it due to the exhaustion levels I've had the last few weeks.

Stay safe, Sceal, and take care of yourself. Sending love and hugs. :hug:

Thank you! You too Snowdrop  :hug:

Take care of yourself, Sceal. I think this hug is safe!  :hug:

I was just thinking of you, Sceal, so I thought I'd send you a :wave: and a :hug:.

Aww! Thank you!  :hug: Online hugs are definitively safe :)

--
I'm still cooped up in the house with my parents. 11 days left to go before I can visit the outside world. I am trying to keep myself busy with reading, or drawing, or playing some games. Cuddling the dogs. My lungs aren't good enough to work out, which kind of sucks because I could really need to get rid of some nervous and stressful energies. Can't even dance around, because I just end up breathless before I've even started. I have some sort of air-way infection. Whether or not it is corona is hard to know. My symptoms are diffuse, just like any corona symptom. My GP says it's highly likely, but I wont be tested unless I take a turn for the worse.
I didn't think I'd miss going to the shop, but I do. Not that I actually *need* anything, hopefully it'll pass in a few days. Like sugar withdrawal. It's painful at first, then it gets better. And suddenly it's a new habit.
That's the hope anyway.

The good thing for me is that I don't actually have to deal with anything. I can't deal with anyone or anything, because I'm stuck in this quarantine. Which is good for my fatigue, and it's good for my stress levels. Because I have accepted that I can't actually do anything about anything right now. I know alot of people feel even more stressed and panicky due to the new uncertain world we live in. But I have lived in such uncertain times for so long, this is just my normal. Although, I suspect if I get one more unforseeable thing put on me I'll probably burst and crack like everyone else is doing.
I'm not British, but their war-time saying of "Keep Calm and Carry On" seems to be fitting these days. Just do the best one can do to wait this thing out. Meanwhile there is internet, there are books, there are TV.

Hopefully this wont last all year through. I mean, with quarantines and everything closed. That things will halt and limp for a while is one thing, but everything being very closed is something else entirely.

Dear Sceal,
Sending you a hug as well  :hug: and glad you're safe. 
Hope  :)

hey, sceal, so sorry you're sick right now.  i'm in self-isolation - not sick, but also not going anywhere except for walks.  it is weird, tho, to hear less traffic and such.  even my t appts. are over the phone now. it's just what we gotta do till this calms down.  i'm just glad you're taking care of yourself, but i truly can understand you missing your workouts.  hopefully, soon.  hang tough, ok?  love and hugs filled with healing energy. :hug: :hug: :hug:

A family member was supposed to come by tomorrow with groceries. We have plenty of food, but I really wanted my chips and chocolate. And I got irrationality upset when I was told it's going to be delayed a day.
I have been doing well with keeping calm and not worrying so much. Or stressing so much. But maybe that was on the surface. Because now I am still upset and I got the news hours ago.
It's not that I need the candy. It was more that it was going to be a break in the day. Something different. Something to look forward to. And now it's postponed.
I feel stupid.

It's not stupid at all, Sceal. You're not stupid. I've been self-isolating with my husband over the past week because I had symptoms (minor ones and I'm ok now), and I get the impact of not getting something you were looking forward to.

I tend to look at it as though everybody has their own bucket that fills up with stress. The more stress, the more the bucket fills up, and the more likely it is that stuff will slop over the top. Those of us who have experienced trauma have lots of things in our stress bucket already, so it becomes full quicker. I think the groceries being delayed added to your stress bucket, so feeling upset slopped out.

I hope this makes sense!

Be gentle with yourself, Sceal, and take care. I'm thinking of you, and sending love and big hugs your way. :bighug:

I like that bucket analogy!  :thumbup:

Quote from: Sceal on March 19, 2020, 08:41:57 PM
And I got irrationality upset when I was told it's going to be delayed a day. . . . I feel stupid.

I have come to realize that when I feel like a two year old who wants to have a temper tantrum over someone finishing a food I wanted or something minor, that there is something else going on. Maybe I'm in a triggered state (EF) or maybe just really stressed. Your upset has a reason, probably beyond the delay, and your feelings are okay and not stupid.

Thank you all for your support. I've been re-reading your comments the last few days.
I think for most of the time I bottle up what I'm feeling, and it becomes a non-issue. Until days like today where I feel like everything I do is wrong. I'm being observed, I have to notify if I'm upstairs or downstairs. If I attempt to do something in service of others, they get upset because they have decided new rules I'm not aware of yet and then I get the backlash of that.  I think I forget to check in with me to find out how I am really doing.

I was on the edge of a depression when this whole thing started. The quarantine, the COVID-19 lockdowns everywhere. And then I think, a part of me just went into yet another "survival mode". It's so common now. It's almost my default mode. I forget to check in with myself and how I am really doing. I forget to take an emotional break and care. I just... exist. I go through the motions or I just wait.
Being in quarantine with my parents is almost like being admitted to the psych. ward.
I just walk around waiting for this to end. Then I have my psych. consultation every second week (at the ward it's every week), over the phone.
But now there are speculations that the lockdown will last for a very long time to come. I won't be quarantined all that time, but... everything is closed so it basically becomes a quarantine.

Today I am vulnerable and sad. I need the people around me to be strong, and I am noticing more now that they aren't. Their buckets, (Thanks Snowdrop) are being filled up with worries and uncertainties, stress, and fatigue. They don't have capacity, so I got to be strong for them. The only problem is, it costs me so much. It costs me more now than it did before. And I worry that I am not up to the task.
I am not even sure why I am sad. I've had three lovely video (although brief) chats today with friends, I no longer feel the covid-19 symptoms. I went for a walk in the rain, and I got some thoughts out there. But now all I am is sad.

Hearing your feelings of vulnerability and sadness.  :hug:

my sweet sceal, 

with everything that's going on (and i'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better), i think what's most important is to be strong for yourself first and foremost.  the idea of checking in with yourself is, i think, really beneficial, and i hope you can continue to remember to do so.  that way, you'll know just how much strength/energy you have to give to someone else.

unfortunately, i think a lot of us have been taught to live in an all or nothing way of thinking, and we haven't been taught how to assess our own needs and levels so that we can give to others what is left over after giving to ourselves.  i once heard this - don't give away more than you have.  that's always stuck with me, cuz i thought it made a lot of sense.  i can see how i was always giving away more than i had in the past - always! - and the terrible toll it took on me.

glad you were able to walk in the rain.  we do that here quite a bit.  my d once asked me if i minded that, i told her that 'i don't shrink, so it doesn't bother me'.  not that i walk in a torrential downpour, but soft rains make everything smell fresh, and i love that.

we're with you, sceal.  you've lost a lot in a short amount of time - perhaps that's where your sadness is stemming from?  sending a hug filled with love and enough strength for you first. :hug:

Dear Sceal,
I am glad you found some nice moments - when you walked in the rain, that sounds lovely.  I want to send you a hug that is safe  :hug: and say that I'm thinking of you. 
Hope  :)

Tomorrow and Tuesday I am supposed to get the last of my stuff and clean out the appartment, but I don't think he has found a new place. How can I then clean out and hand in my keys. I can't get rid of the bed if he is still using it.

people around me are telling me it is not my responsibility. I get that. I am so dam"#%d tired of hearing it. It doesn't help me, it doesn't change how I feel.
I feel worn out. I feel stressed out of my skin. I feel incredible lazy. I feel like a terrible human person who is more or less pushing him out on the street. With Covid19 going on there are no hotels or airbnb that he could rent last minute either. Even if he could have afforded it.
I know this is all on him. That he has had 7 months warning and time to prepare. But that doesn't change anything right now. It doesn't change the facts of the situation. He is going to text the landlady to see if he can stay an extra week as his housing with his friend didn't work out. His friend doesn't want it to happen because of covid19.

I am so tired. my body hurts. I am on edge. I am trying to motivate myself to do anything. something. Just something that will get me through this day. But I just feel... like shi"#¤.

I am sorry for complaining. And I am sorry that I still, even after 6 months, doesn't have the energy to read in other folks journals and comment much. People here have been so helpful and supportive - I need it. And it sucks I have nothing to give but gentle thoughts and long-distance support.

I generally feel useless and helpless.

I also keep forgetting I'm in a depression.

Sceal, I wish I had words that would bring you comfort, that would release you from the burden you carry. I care. I feel sad that you are feeling so much pain and anguish.

Thank you notalone. *gentle hug* if that's okay

i, too, wish there was something to do or say that would be helpful.  sending love, tho, and a long distance hug.  i believe in you. :hug:

 :hug:

So far today I feel very little. There's something going on in my stomach, but I'm not quite sure what it is. Potentially stress and anxiety. But I try not to feel too much on it. Hopefully I can avoid feeling much until the next few days so I can burrow myself in a blanket and watch silly movies and forget the world a little bit when the emotions finally take control.

i'm right next to you watching silly movies - it's good to take a break from everything once in a while, and silly movies can definitely help.  love and hugs, sceal :hug:

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I should be relieved, optimistic, less stressed, looking to a better future.. be happy or positive. But I'm not.
My ex finally got a place today, it's not perfect. it's not great. It's okay. It's got a good location, and his room is spacious enough for him and his things. It's bigger than the one I got right now. But I'm not living with several strangers in a dirty place. I'm not sure if it was just a bad timing that we came to look at the place today, but I don't know. I got this bad feeling in my gut. I can't shake it.
Maybe it's just all the stress leaving my body. Maybe it's a genuine gut feeling that another shoe is about to drop. Maybe it is simply the fact that this is so REAL now that it is all actually over.

I am just hurting so bad. And no matter how many times my friends are trying to tell me it's his own doing that he left it for so long, that I have gone above and beyond for my ex. that I need to focus on me now. It just.. I feel so incredible AWFUL.
I don't really deserve to feel good though.

sending lots of love to you, sceal, and a caring hug to embrace you, gather you in till all your bad feelings pass. :bighug:

 :hug: Thank you San, dear

I have now moved out all of my things, all of his things.
I've scrubbed the floors, walls, kitchen, windows. Everything in the old place. It's taken me so many hours and days of my life getting out of that place. Although the landlady were kind people and always helpful if we needed it, it is good getting out.
The only thing that remains is getting my deposit back, I hope there wont be any problems there. I do need the money. Although ex-roomie has said he will pay me back half of it if they take anything off the deposit. But I can't expect that money for another year.
I need it now so I can get myself a new phone. I've lost mine to the concrete floors a few times too many so the phone is acting up more often than not. And also... I do want something new and shiny too.

I feel better now than I have in a long time, although things still feel like everything is on hold. I have this nagging feeling though, that I am not completely done with my ex-roomie. That he will still have some problems going forwards, but I am hoping he wont involve me too much in that. I am not apt at letting go, I don't have the concience for it.  I don't know if it's part of my PF, my learning, or just who I am. But I hate not helping if I know I am able to. Even if it costs me too much.

I called the bank the other day to ask if i could get a loan. They said no. So that's my dream shattered of having a place of my own that I could do whatever I want with. I am not sure how to move forward with this yet, I might have to look into alternative possibilities before I give up on the dream entirely.  I'm not ready to move yet anyway, I need time to rest before I even start thinking about the possibilities.

You sound much better, Sceal. I'm delighted. :hug:

Thank you. I am. I feel a lot lighter!

I'm very scatterbrained and have very little concentration, more difficulties than usual. But it's to be expected, so I am fine with it as long as it doesn't last for too long.

Quote from: Sceal on April 07, 2020, 06:22:04 AM
I'm not ready to move yet anyway, I need time to rest before I even start thinking about the possibilities.

That sounds like a good idea. You just went through a huge change in your life. Catch your breath before making any big changes for awhile.

 :yeahthat:

this has been a lot to cope with in a rather short time.  i know you've been preparing for months, but most of the emotional stuff came toward the end, one thing after another, boom boom boom.  it's ok to take a break now, give yourself some time, let your mind settle a bit.  it really is ok.  love and hugs, sweet sceal. :hug:

Hi Sceal,
Hope you get a break, and sending you a hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you all. I did need a break. I just wished it would have lasted longer.

I am okay. Or that's what I keep telling myself and everyone around me. But I keep eating poorly, I keep sitting still for hours at an end. It takes me all day to work up enough mental  willpower to sit down and do art. I did one portrait I am pleased with, but now I am back at feeling like if I can't replicate the same level of skill then I am a fraud.

yeah, if we're not perfect at it, we're not good enough, right?  one extreme to the other, is what it sounds like to me.  i know that one very well.  maybe that's not what it is for you, sceal, but that's what rang a bell in my head when i read the thought of you feeling like a fraud.

i'm glad you had at least a little bit of a break.  keep taking care of you, ok?  sending a hug full of love and patience. :hug:

Thank you San. For always being there with some comforting or supporting voice. Or cheering me on.  :bighug:

---

It's a few hours later now. I got a phone call with my support person, despite it being easter. And I ranted and whined about almost all the things, and she patiently listened to me. Reminded me I am brave, and that people think I was so *"# brave for having an art exhibition, a solo one. I don't quite see what's brave about it. It's part of what I have to do if I want to work in this industry somehow. Or, I don't *have* to, there are other ways. But all the ways mean the same thing: exposing one self. It's not pleasant, regardless of how you do it. I hate it.  But at the same time... I don't make art for me. It's not a hobby for me. If it was just a hobby I wouldn't need to do the exposure thing.

It was nice to rant a bit. Although I feel like I'm not quite making myself heard, because I can't quite find the right words. I don't know what's wrong with me.
Everything is slowing down, the world is finally slowing down to a pace where I can somewhat follow alongside with. Almost. Not quite, I still don't manage to work out, I don't do enough art and I eat too much. I feel like I am eating all the time. And I hate it. I just can't seem to stop. I am terrified that I've streched my stomach. And I'm terrified to call and tell them I'm scared. I should have been on top of this. Like everything else. And I'm scared they will say it's all my fault, and I should have known better.

I don't quite feel like I belong anywhere. I have one friend who I think understands me. But he lives in another country, and he's married and got a family. Which means I don't want to "use him up", or take all of his time. I get so much of it already. I am really worried that I've overspent things with him. I have a girlfriend too who lives in another country. She doesn't understand me quite so well, or rather she doesn't get the problems. She's the one that tends to "mansplain" or give me (unwanted) advice when all I need is to share a concern. But other than those two... the rest of the people I know.. I don't feel like I belong. I feel like I am their weird friend. I'm not the one they call or text first. I'm often the last resort if at all. I just don't fit in very well. I'm not sure quite why. Maybe because I don't want to play the game of "fake it til you make it". I simply refuse to do that sort of thing conciously. I am sure I do it on many unconciously levels, by all means.
I just would like to feel like I feel at home with a crowd. Or belong. Or safe? I don't know. Somewhere that accepts me, all of me and who will help me accept me. Perhaps it's too much of a dream. Perhaps what I need to do first is accept myself and then the pieces will fit together.

I don't know. All I know is that I'm just drifting. And for some people that's blissful, for me it's awful. I feel like I have no control, I don't get a say or a have a choice. I am just here. Existing. And that's just not enough.

But I don't know what I can do about it right now. I mean, what long-term changes can I do?

i think anything having to do with creative arts requires an act of bravery to put it out there.  it takes courage to be that vulnerable, to open yourself up to criticism. my d had to quit reading reviews of her books because some of them were negative and had a terrible effect on her - they made her question whether she should even be writing at all!  (she had a lot more pos. reviews, but it seems that the neg. ones always impact us much harder, i think).

that's just my take on bravery.  honestly, i think everyone here shows bravery in doing what it takes to get from one day to the next.  battling those unrealistic expectations to be 'perfect' at everything and for everyone takes a lot of time, energy, and courage, to my mind.

love and hugs to you, sweet sceal.  hopefully, you'll get your feet back under you soon.  :hug:

Big hug!