Wondering if it's just me.
Trigger Warning!
For me - Yes.
It activates and wakes up the body - stirs up powerful aggressive and painful emotions.
It encourages us to dissociate - an experience we know well, and one that feels safe.
It piques my interest in the dangerous.
It reinforces that I am a victim.
It reminds me of my childhood helplessness, and that I am helpless as an adult.
It provides a masochistic release, and pleasure, (for the abusive self - or Inner Critic as some call it)
It seems to superficially be to test ourselves to see if I can cope with it - but really i am just reliving the traumas over and over again - in a vain attempt to try and make sense of it.
It is what I was most familiar with as a child.
It helps to reinforce my self-view, that I am someone who seeks Out those who would abuse me. In fact I was groomed to believe that, firstly that is all I deserve, and secondly, that I wanted it and searched for it.
Again, yes.....I hope this was not too much to take in.
Hi Waylay,
Welcome to the forum, and I wanted to say that I relate to what you've said here - I think that I do seek out traumatic reminders or things that trigger me - I don't know how usual it is to do that, but I recognise that I do it. I think it's because I'm still learning what triggers me, and I was interested to see the reply from Slim about it too.
I hope that you'll find this forum a place where you feel you can find some support - I have found it very helpful and supportive.
Hope :)
Dear Waylay
I feel a bit embarassed for not welcoming ypu to the group first. Sorry, to have bombarded you with so much info. I forgot how much courage it takes to join this forum.
All the best
Slim
I did this for many years.
I used to get into dangerous situations, seek them out.
I read somewhere it is common, the person seeks to relive the original trauma in order to obtain a better outcome, and possibly avoid overwhelm in order to prove to themselves they have control.
That feels like what I was doing, although it was all unconscious and not planned. It dawned on me years later when I did some reading about PTSD. The book I read had a tiger on the front and in the title I think.
I don't know if this is the same thing, but I get into a headspace where I seek things to remind me of my childhood because I can't remember my life very well at all and I'm trying to trigger memories to figure out what happened to me. I look up books from when I was a kid that I remember the titles of to see what they were about, look on the Internet for old television shows and commercials that might remind me of things I thought or felt when I saw them years ago, look at magazines of all kinds from the time when I was growing up to try to remember what the world looked like. I even go to estate sales and vintage stores looking for old things that remind me that I've actually been here and alive all these years. Several years ago, I went to my mother's house when she was away and did a deep dive into her files and boxes of photographs seeking to learn about my history. Learn I did, and it was awful and messed me up bad, but then I used the information to progress in my therapy. I used to do that kind of thing to look for good memories from my childhood, because most of the memories I had were bad and I thought that surely I must have good ones in there somewhere, but after a while, I realised that there are almost none, because there was almost nothing good in my life growing up that wasn't tainted by psychological abuse and scapegoating. Now I still do it sometimes because it has led to useful information or insights that have helped me. I dread it when I go off into that, but it feels necessary.
:wave: welcome Waylay.
I think I do this too. Maybe it keeps me ticking, I always seem to seek the good and the bad. It's in my nature. Maybe it's kind of human nature?
Waylay,
Welcome.
To a degree I seek trauma reminders. I think for me it is because I was so separated from my past that it is difficult at times to believe my memories. When I have a trauma reminder or trigger, it helps to confirm my memory and assures me that I'm not crazy.