My third attempt at Journaling.
***
I'm so hard on myself. I think one thing that's kept me from writing about my experiences is my perfectionism; punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc., which I try to pay mind to; but I always seem to let errors squeak thru.
So this journal will not be subject to those rules. I'm going to use slang, bad (corny) humor; going to let my attitude show; my sentence construction will not be held up to scrutiny. I may misspell words. I am rewriting my self-imposed rules and throwing off the burden of others' opinions of me, which I take waaaay too seriously!
***
I took the ACE test and scored a 5 - but some of my childhood experiences were not listed as a choice, or I had to choose "no" because of the way the question was worded.
POSSIBLE TRIGGERS HERE....
For instance, question three asks if an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever touched, fondled, etc., and I had to choose "no" because my sibling was 4-1/2 years older. (Although my 9th grade gym teacher touched me once inappropriately, I felt threatened but I don't know if I can call it sexual.) And while the survey asked if I ever felt physically in danger, there was no question asking if anyone had actually tried to kill me, which they had.
There was no question asking if either parent had ever told me I could no longer live with them, which happened to me and it really affected me very much. Especially when my M asked F how he thought I was supposed to make a living out there, my F answered, "She can sell her * on the street for alI I care."
Did I ever witness my F physically abuse my M? No, but I did witness him being physically, pyroclastically violent with anyone and everyone at the drop of hat. Road rage with his wife and kids in the car. Fist fights at family gatherings ("Merry Christmas!" *pow*). Verbal altercations with strangers, again, wife and kids present. Fights with neighbors.
Before he retired my husband was a plumber, and there's a joke that goes around that everything you need to know to be a plumber is gas goes up, poop goes down, and payday is Friday. Well, the poop really did roll downhill in our family, and everyone's expressions of anger landed on me. There was SO MUCH anger in our family, and each expressed it differently.
I'm going to stop here for now, and hope I can continue this journal.
Hi 3r,
I'm glad you have decided not to worry about grammar spelling etc it's one of my concerns as well, as I have difficulty, struggled with it throughout school and in higher education, but I'm no longer worried here. Good for you :thumbup:
I also encountered similar ace score problems with no references to things people would surely call abuse.
Why they chose 5 years is beyond me, someone 4 yrs older certainly renders you just as powerless as 5 but :Idunno:
I'm sorry you had to suffer such horrible circumstances, I've multiple plumbers in my direct family and smiled at that saying, I haven't heard it before.
:hug:
That was perfectly expressed, especially for someone worried about perfectionism blocking you in the past. Only your inner critic wouldn't feel comfortable, which is too bad, eh? :bigwink: Stepping beyond those self-imposed restraints and rules must have felt good, too.
So here's a big vote for just letting go. :applause: I hope it feels good, in spite of the hard parts. You deserve the best, most honest voice you can find to fully express what you need to say. :hug:
Thanks for saying you noticed that too about the ACE, Wattlebird. (My husband had added a fourth rule - "Never lick your fingers at work." ;))
Thanks, Woodsgnome, for saying I deserve to let go and feel good about it.
You're both awesome. :hug:
Hey 3Roses,
I think this new journal is a huge step forward. I think letting go of some of that perfectionism is key in allowing ourselves to grow.
I agree with you about the ACE test as well. I also wondered about what I could hear happening behind closed doors. Plus that anger at the drop of a hat is volatile. It really is. Thanks for sharing so bravely. :hug:
Thanks for validating my opinion on the ACE, DB. I think it's an important diagnostic tool, don't get me wrong. My score may be "just a five" but I feel my "real" score is much higher.
Thanks, BeHea1thy! What you said felt very validating to me. :hug:
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POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING, ROAD RAGE, ANGER ISSUES
I've been reliving a night in my mind, over and over the last few days. My family had been at my aunt's house - we often gathered with my F's two brothers' and sister's families on weekends. I don't remember anything happening out of the ordinary that night. But in the car on the way home, we encountered a drunk driver heading straight toward us driving on the wrong side of the street. I'm upset, mom's upset, don't remember what B was doing. Thankfully the drunk driver is moving very slowly. Somehow he passes us and continues on his way. (I recall us having to come to a complete stop and wait for the other driver to realize he had to go around us, but that's foggy in my memory.)
Suddenly my F angrily throws the car into reverse, and turns to look behind us. I can see my dad's face in the dim light inside the car. He is looking over the back of the driver's seat, arm over the back of the bench seat, as turned around as a person can be and still drive. He has an angry look on his face and he steps on the gas, moving us backward toward the other car, my mom is yelling, I think I'm crying, we are going to crash into that other car. Ram him from behind.
Somehow my mom gets thru to dad, and he stops the car. They argue for a few minutes. We continue on our way home.
His anger would erupt at times, and other times you could see a slow boil building. Sometimes there was no way to prepare for an angry outburst, but when I saw it coming, I usually tried to get him to laugh, or distract him. My "fawn" response was born.
Enough for now.
Oh sweetie,
That is a terrible thing to have happened. I see you recognizing your fawn response here as excellent self analysis.
That must have been awful. That anger... it still haunts me from my abusers. The fear I felt, the heavy feeling in my chest. I'm sitting with you in this sweetie. I freeze but fawning isn't too far off. :Idunno:
Quote from: woodsgnome on January 24, 2019, 06:10:07 AM
That was perfectly expressed, especially for someone worried about perfectionism blocking you in the past. Only your inner critic wouldn't feel comfortable, which is too bad, eh? :bigwink: Stepping beyond those self-imposed restraints and rules must have felt good, too.
So here's a big vote for just letting go. :applause: I hope it feels good, in spite of the hard parts. You deserve the best, most honest voice you can find to fully express what you need to say. :hug:
:yeahthat:
Way to go, 3R! :yourock:
I agree with you on the ACE test - a useful tool but in your case, there are so many questions missing. I disagree with the 5 year age difference stipulation too. B1 is only 1 1/2 years older than me and his emotional and physical abuse has had a profound affect on me, but it used to be dismissed by Ts, even trauma-informed ones.
That roadrage incident sounds truly scary, first to be scared of being hit by a drunk driver, then what the roadrage of what your father might do. It must have been so frigthening to go through, and so exhausting to keep having those memories replay in your mind over and over. I hope they will dissipate soon and that you get some peace from them.
Thank you, DB, Blueberry and Sceal.
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I'm not sure why just talking about anger is so difficult. Is it because our society labels anger a "negative" emotion, and we are pushed to be positive?
I've been trying to come back to this for days now. Trying to think how I want to proceed here. I'm more interested at this point in my life in discoveries, and not so much on recovery, because - well, what does recovery mean for someone who's never known anything but maladjustments? Was I able to lose something I never had?
So for now the focus is on discovery and uncovering what I've buried for so long.
My F was a very angry man. He was the kind of guy who was admired for his artistic talent by the people who knew him. If only they could have seen the side of him that his family or the people who worked with him saw! His temper was bad enough that he lost job after job because of it, slipping down rungs on the ladder of success with each job change. His trade was relatively small, and there weren't many places to work that used his trade in their business. The number of people who were willing to work with him dwindled.
He told me stories about some of the things he had done in the war. These were things you probably shouldn't tell anyone but a therapist or another soldier, but he saw fit to talk about them in detail with his young daughter. It only strengthened my view that he wasn't to be trusted to keep his cool under pressure, and that he was likely to do any of the things he threatened me with.
Quote from: Three Roses on January 31, 2019, 05:09:14 AM
So for now the focus is on discovery and uncovering what I've buried for so long.
:hug: to you Three Roses, and wishing you the best for your focus on discovering and uncovering things that have been buried for so long - I know you pace yourself sensibly - and I wanted to say I'm alongside you - if that is helpful :grouphug: I feel like I am also trying to do that same thing - uncover things that are buried - and seeing what I dissociated from.
:hug: :hug:
Hope :)
Yes, it is good to have you alongside me, Hope. I feel your caring in your posts. Thank you. :hug:
It is always good to feel the support of others here. This is the only Group of people that I feel "gets" me. :wave:
Today was my mom's birthday. She would have been 95. I loved - love - her dearly and would love to sit and talk with her just once more.
Happy birthday, mom. Save a spot for me. 💜🌹
I'm having a very stressful time lately! I can't go into details but one of my kids is having a very rough time in his life. I'm trying to handle it but...not doing a very good job. Argh.
:hug: :bighug: :grouphug:
Im sorry you're going through this 3r
:hug: :hug:
Thank you, Wattlebird and Blueberry, for the support. :hug:
Feeling better today. "It is what it is." I am letting go of the dysfunctional feelings of responsibility for the decisions of others. I am responsible for myself and recognize I have no control over anything else. I am no worse and no better than anyone; we are all imperfect.
Will read in my Al Anon literature a bit today, and maybe some other recovery literature. Might be helpful.
Quote from: Three Roses on February 12, 2019, 06:12:47 PM
Feeling better today. "It is what it is." I am letting go of the dysfunctional feelings of responsibility for the decisions of others.
Sending you a hug of support Three Roses :hug:
Hope :)
I am sorry to hear you're going through a rough time, and that your child is also struggling with something right now.
I hope that it will get better soon, for the both of you.
It is so very true that you are not responsible for others decisions, only your own. I think it sounds like a good move to let go of the notion you are responsible for the choices others make.
I hope the literature was helpful for you!
Three Roses :hug:
I'm interested in metaphors, which sometimes contradict "reality" but can also inspire inner thoughts which make more sense. I sense you're at a corner of self-insight and perhaps this little observation might help.
So in writing journals (or anything) you start with a blank page. You then write in it some, or a lot, or whatever. The next page is always blank, and it's always in your control. Yes, you can still revisit the old pages, try to put a new light on them, or just accept them as where you were at that moment ... and ... now, it's a new moment, new page, new blank slate; perhaps a whole new story emerging.
I know, it's only a silly metaphor, etc. Still it's sometimes helped me out of some nasty thinking patterns, so just thought I'd share it for the discovery turn in your ongoing journey.
Thank you, Hope, Sceal and Woodsgnome! Each of your comments helped me. Hearing others' thoughts on things always brings issues into a sharper focus.
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I have been having lots of revelations regarding anger and violence lately, personal insights into the hows and whys of the formation of my world view. I'm not really ready to put these into written form yet but I hope to be able to soon. I know I need a lot of help with the issue of anger.
Standing with you on the anger issue. ime too the written form comes when I'm ready for it. Good to go at your own pace :yes: :hug:
Quote from: Three Roses on February 18, 2019, 09:42:44 PM
I know I need a lot of help with the issue of anger.
:grouphug: Standing with you on this, Three Roses - I feel the same way about the issue of anger.
Hope :)
right beside you, 3r. anger can be one of the toughest, that's for sure. :pissed: often what we're taught about being angry is so contradictory to how healthy and natural anger really is, that we become frightened of it in ourselves and others, or we believe it's somehow wrong - it can take a million different forms. :aaauuugh:
here's hoping you can get thru this with a minimal amount of distress. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Major, MAJOR ef yesterday, dealing with the aftermath. I acted out. Full of shame and hopelessness today.
Sending you caring and friendship during this difficult time, 3Roses. Shame is a sticky substance that holds on even when we have no further use for it. Be as compassionate with yourself as you would be with another whom you dearly love. You deserve a break! :hug:
:hug:
:hug: :hug: to you dear 3R!
o, sweetie,
i echo jdog's sentiment about being compassionate with yourself as you are with all of us. we, all of us, have been there :stars: and you have been always so accepting, caring, and kind when we act out. i hope you can find some of what you give so freely for yourself.
:grouphug: and lots of love. wanna meet me on the porch? seems like a good day for it.
I really want to send a hug and say I (and I'm sure everyone else here) still think you a wonderful caring person- if you didn't care you wouldn't feel ashamed of acting out.
Hugs to you today :hug: :grouphug:
Thank you for your comments, they are deeply appreciated. Feeling better today.
Hi Three Roses,
Glad to hear you're feeling better today. :hug:
Hope :)
Thanks, Hope, you're always so supportive ❤️
I am feeling a bit stuck tho, can't seem to find the words to express what I want to say. Feeling very introverted. :Idunno:
hey,
no pressure. they'll come eventually if they need to. you've had a heaping helping on your plate lately. things can get very muddled in my mind when i go thru something like that. :stars:
keep taking care of you as best you can, ok? we're all pulling for you. you're great! :grouphug:
Thanks, San ❤️
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The more I think about this stuff, the more the issue of my anger comes up. But it was confusing, because I haven't really known who I was angry with, or why. I mean, I could see why I could be angry at abusers from my past, but that didn't ring true. I think today I've had a breakthrough - I am angry with myself. For not knowing how to avoid the dysfunctional patterns of my childhood, for choosing to marry a man who is very similar to my abusive F, for not knowing how to be a better parent, for playing a role in perpetuating the patterns of dysfunction; I'm angry at my H, even though he was also badly abused as a kid. I'm angry I didn't leave when I knew deep down I was in an abusive relationship.
Now that I'm chipping away at the huge block I've had in front of me I can start to be honest with myself about my anger.
o, my dear 3r,
how many times do we get angry with ourselves cuz it's less frightening to do that than to put our anger where it truly belongs? i'm not trying to diminish what you're saying or feeling, only that being angry at yourself for not knowing - can that be? have you ever gotten angry with anyone here for making the choices they've made?
i haven't seen that from you. i've seen you be compassionate and understanding. we've all, all of us here, made unhealthy choices, stayed too long in unhealthy relationships, not recognized unhealthy situations when we've been in the middle of them. should we all be angry at ourselves for that?
i don't mean to overstep any boundaries here, nor deny you in any way. i've just been overcome with sadness that you are directing your anger at yourself for choices that you'd been groomed to make. we choose unhealthy partners because that's what feels most comfortable for us - we've dealt with that for so long, we know how to deal with it in the present. we stay in unhealthy situations and relationships because we've been raised to tolerate and accept whatever is thrown at us, be with it, stay with it.
as kids we had no way out. as adults, we didn't know we had a way out. we didn't know what healthy anything looked like. how could we have chosen 'healthy' as a viable life choice? i have never seen you blame anyone here for the choices they've made - i hope you are able to do the same for yourself.
i'm saying this stuff with love and caring, so please forgive me if i'm out of line. i used to blame myself as well, so i get it. it's difficult not to. 'if i'd only . . ' figured it out, known, done something different, seen the signs, looked more closely, recognized, left, stayed . . . the list goes on and on, and i'm sure i've used every single one of those. i just hope you can find some care and compassion for yourself, sweetie. you deserve it from you.
sending love and hugs filled with caring and kindness.
But I think that this is the core of what's been blocking me. I was looking in the wrong places for the source of my anger.
Intellectually, I know that everything you're saying is true. I was (and am, at least partly) a product of a very toxic system and I need to show myself grace and understanding for not knowing what I couldn't know. But I've also heard it said that you can't change a thing until you acknowledge that thing's existence.
I think it's healthy to look at the true target of my anger; I think unless I do I can't work on it.
of course, sweetie. you are the only one who truly knows what's best for you, and i am sorry if i put you on the defensive or anything. as always, whatever helps us move forward with our healing is what's important for us to do. :yes:
you are very dear to me, and i never want to see you in pain. i kinda jumped on a 'i've gotta protect her' bandwagon, i think. that's not my place, and i am sorry for that. i totally support you on your journey. sometimes i get in my own way. :stars:
keep taking care of you. sending love and :hug: :hug: :hug:
Oh San! :hug: Nope, you didn't step on my toes or put me on the defensive or anything. I'm glad for your comments! They helped me look at my statement and feelings more closely. I actually found your post validating, and I also loved it when you said you felt protective of me. I don't hear that much, so it felt very, very nice.
wow - thank you. i just read what you wrote in my journal, and responded to it. i'm glad you took what i said the way you did. i really don't want to see you in distress over stuff, but i'm so crashed now i felt like i wanted to take over so that you wouldn't be hurting. that's my default mode. fix it, make it ok.
when i thought about your response, i felt very guilty about what i wrote, that it really wasn't very supportive, but almost argumentative, like i just wanted you to see it from my perspective, which wasn't very respectful of your own, or where you're at with everything you're going thru.
unfortunately, doing this kind of thing ends up stressful for me cuz of how i feel about it afterwards. not about you, not at all, but i don't want to try to force feed anything down anyone's throat, and that's what it felt like i was doing. i just need some time to recuperate - trying to 'fix' things is my default mode. when i'm in a good place, it's easier for me to respond differently.
thank you again. you are a dear friend. :hug: :hug:
Quote from: Three Roses on March 16, 2019, 12:33:54 AM
But I think that this is the core of what's been blocking me. I was looking in the wrong places for the source of my anger.
Intellectually, I know that everything you're saying is true. I was (and am, at least partly) a product of a very toxic system and I need to show myself grace and understanding for not knowing what I couldn't know. But I've also heard it said that you can't change a thing until you acknowledge that thing's existence.
I think it's healthy to look at the true target of my anger; I think unless I do I can't work on it.
Hi Three Roses - I really found this very helpful - that you wrote this - I am also thinking about my Anger at the moment, and when you said about 'looking in the wrong places for the source of your anger' - it resonated with me. I just wanted to say that, and also send you a supportive hug - if that's ok. :hug:
Hope :)
Hugs are always A-OK with me! :hug: Thanks for saying what I wrote was helpful. :cheer:
I'm staying in bed today, with a raging headache. Had the mother of all EFs yesterday. Just gonna take it easy until my head stops pounding. This feels like the way I've felt in the past when I'm repressing stuff - emotions, memories blah blah blah.
Taking it easy sounds a really good thing in that situation. I hope your head stops pounding soon! :hug:
Sending kindness and compassion to you. :hug:
3R -
I hope you are feeling much better by now. :hug:
:yeahthat:
I'm hanging in there - thanks you guys :hug:
(I am still having trouble with the site, keeps saying "site can't be reached" when I try to post - other times it lets me - :Idunno:)
Hi Three Roses,
I have also had trouble getting onto the site - just popping in to say 'hello' and send you a hug. :hug:
Hope :)
I've been feeling better, stronger. Happy, even. I'm not angry with myself anymore (at least not today ☺ ). I've even been feeling sociable. So, on the upswing for now. Thanks for all the support! :grouphug:
:cheer: for upswings :)
Better, stronger, happy, not angry with self :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Hi Three Roses
:cheer: that you feel better, stronger. Happy.
Those are lovely feelings. :hug:
Hope :)
Had a very tough morning, woke up in a funk. Reached out to a couple of friends, for a change, and got support in real time. :) This evening one of them sent me this, so cute....
That is so cute and wonderful :) Thanks for sharing!
Love them TR, we could all use actual stickers like this!
:thumbup:
That's fantastic! Thanks for sharing
good for you for reaching out. i know it's not always the easiest thing to do, so a big congrats to you, 3r. :applause:
i'm just glad you're feeling a bit better lately. :thumbup:
love and hugs to you, always. :hug: :hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug: to you Three Roses.
Hope :)
Ran across a great quote today, from Blue Knot Foundation's Facebook page -
QuoteWhen people really become very upset, that whole capacity to put things into words in an articulate way disappears. And for me, that is a very important finding because it helped me to realize that, if people need to overcome the trauma, we need to also find methods to bypass what they call the tyranny of language.
This is what is like for me, and it doesn't take much to get me to the "very upset" level. In an EF, I shut down. The only thing that seems to motivate me to speak up for myself is if I'm angry, but sometimes not even then. So then my challenge becomes, not, "How do I speak up for myself?" but "How do I speak up for myself in a functional, emotionally healthy way?"
Your post really speaks to me this evening for reasons I'll try to articulate in my own Journal. Thanks :) :hug:
Three Roses,
You once told me that by keeping quiet it gives the power to those that abused us. But!!!! You also said that any utterance counts... it could be a whisper, a scream, anything to break that barrier.
I still have difficulty speaking when I'm upset, but now I have a reason to say something, anything. I also decided that for me, it doesn't need to be words either... I can write it in my journal too. Some can draw or have some other creative outlet too!
What I'm trying to articulate (ha and probably not well here) is that when you are in an EF, it is even more important to be kind to yourself. The words will come... they just need a little more time ya know?
Much love, hope what I wrote made some sort of sense
Hi Three Roses,
What you wrote in your Journal has also resonated with me. :hug: to you, if that's ok. I have also been thinking about 'expressing' emotions, and how difficult it is or can be, but seeing Deep Blue's words about giving the words/articulation time - that makes sense.
I will also be thinking more about this, and hope to write about it in my own Journal - Three Roses - I'm struggling to articulate what I want to say, but I want to say your words resonated with me. :hug:
Hope :)
Blueberry, Deep Blue, Hope... :grouphug:
:hug:
:hug: back at ya, jdog ❤️
Thanks, 3R, I think we both needed that hug! I hope today goes well for you, my dear. Sending thoughts of peace and tranquility.
Had a meds review with my doctor yesterday. I told her that I wanted to stop taking Prozac, I was seeing some side effects in a new light and wondering if I have seratonin syndrome. And I've been on anti depressants for 30-some years, which seems to me a little like treating the pain of a broken arm without ever addressing the issue of the broken bone - just treating the pain without treating the cause.
Her suggestion to my concern that I was experiencing some mild symptoms of seratonin syndrome was to suggest a different anti depressant.
Sigh.
We discussed (or I should say, I discussed :bigwink:) the other treatment options that are not just medicating symptoms - I brought up things like transcranial magnetic stimulation, biofeedback, and other similar treatments. She brought up cbt, and I said that I've had various talk therapies over the years and that I know what to do regarding my thoughts, self-view, self-esteem, blah blah blah (although it can be difficult to put into practice but I do know what to do), and I was more interested in therapies that will address the root cause of my symptoms.
I do like her, and respect her as my physical doctor, but obviously one doctor can't know the different therapies for all our bodily systems. Toward the end of our appointment she did bring up the fact that the therapies I was mentioning could only be prescribed by a psychiatrist and I asked if that was an option for me and she said yes. I'm feeling very encouraged by this. I hope I can find one within my hmo that is trauma informed. Since my hmo was the organization that initiated the study which resulted in the ACE test, I'm hoping that they'll be able to help me now in other ways besides just trying to medicate away my symptoms.
:cheer: :cheer: for speaking up during doc appointment!
:cheer: For being educated, informed, and for standing up for yourself. :applause:
:hug: and glad to hear you communicated your wishes to your doc - :cheer:
Hope :)
It sounds as though there is some hope for you getting the treatments you seek. I'm sending wishes for a positive outcome once you meet with the psychiatrist.
:yourock: :yeahthat: All sounds very positive :thumbup: :)
Thanks, everyone! :hug:
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I read a quote I've never seen before, here it is -
QuoteI almost thanked you
for teaching me
something about survival
back there, but then
I remembered that
the ocean
never handed me
the gift of swimming.
I gave it to myself.
This quote gave me a new perspective about my own strength and resilience. (I found it on a Facebook group's page, the group is called "Beauty After Bruises". If you're on Facebook, I recommend them, lots of motivational quotes and helpful info.)
Yes, I saw it today also but on someone's Twitter feed (I'm not on FB). Excellent!!
Today is the two-week mark of halving my antidepressant, and I am now officially off of them. I do notice differences.
Pros: more energy, I am noticeably more present, fewer hot flashes. My headache is much better - I usually have a chronic headache but it feels very light today.
Cons (?): It's hard to know if any of the things I am feeling have to do with the cessation of an antidepressant. But I feel a little jittery, kind of angry, but I had a very difficult time the day before yesterday, was helping some neighbors and they got bad news while I was with them, and the husband totally freaked out. I had an EF because of that, and I think this feeling I have today is still the fallout from that.
Quote from: Three Roses on June 07, 2019, 10:35:34 PM
Cons (?): It's hard to know if any of the things I am feeling have to do with the cessation of an antidepressant.
I have a lot of trouble working that kind of thing out too.
Gentle :hug: :hug: for all the stress you endured due to neighbour's freak-out, not that hugs help with anger ime but I can't relieve you of the anger.
Thanks for the :hug:!
The neighbors came by and apologized for the way the other day went - I said I understood - and all is well. I rested and did some reading and self care, actually nurtured myself during the EF. Progress!
My hot flashes are definitely diminished since coming off my antidepressant, and my headaches have diminished in strength and duration. My muscle tension has also diminished. Feeling good, fingers crossed! 🤞
Good that the neighbors apologized. Fantastic that you were able to nurture yourself during an EF. That is a big accomplishment. :applause: Also glad your physical symptoms are diminishing. I hope that each day you feel even better. :hug:
Hey 3R,
I just wanted to send you a little love. I'm so impressed by your ability so see progress and and nurture yourself during an EF. You are awesome :hug:
Thanks, you're awesome-er, DB! :hug:
:hug:
Jdog :hug:
Note to self - re antidepressant cessation
Lots of energy today. Too much/Manic? Idk. Got a lot of housework done though.
Finding my voice again - feels like I've been very quiet for a long time.
Feelings of happiness and thankfulness that I haven't felt in a while, too.
:thumbup: :applause: :hug:
:thumbup: :) :thumbup:
Great news, Three Roses!
Ok - more observations - memory is a little worse - but my interest and attention span have improved to the point where I am reading, comprehending and retaining things better, and can watch a movie the whole way thru too. Part of the "more energy" piece I guess.
Quote from: Three Roses on June 12, 2019, 04:26:09 PM
my interest and attention span have improved to the point where I am reading, comprehending and retaining things better, and can watch a movie the whole way thru too. Part of the "more energy" piece I guess.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:hug:
Hope :)
No need for responses, just keeping track of my overall observations as the antidepressant leaves my system.
Low mood today - depressed, low energy, irritable. Chart (at https://www.health.harvard.edu/diseases-and-conditions/going-off-antidepressants) says it is half out of your body in 4-6 days and 99% out in 25 days. I went on half dose on May 24, June 7 was the last dose.
Just trying to take it easy today. I'm trying to ignore my ICr listing all the duties I'm shirking.
Spent the day yesterday, or most of it, doing normal things like going to a dentist appointment and shopping - evidently that was too much for me as I got very, very depressed after coming home and later woke up screaming in the middle of the night, from a nightmare.
I'm going to spend the day resting. I'm not going to take responsibility for others and their feelings or responses. If I need to rest, I need to rest. I don't need to worry if anyone else sees my need or agrees with me. Sometimes their disapproval is all in my imagination so I'm just giving myself permission to "check out" today.
Hugs resting sounds nice. Enjoy your day! :hug:
Have a good rest, 3R! :zzz: :zzz: :hug:
Glad you are taking care of yourself .
been thinking of you. :wave: with you all the way w/ this - weaning off can be a trial. :hug: sending love and understanding.
Such rough, rough days. Really fighting the depression. I'm hoping this is just temporary and there's an upswing soon, then maybe a stable mood in-between because I won't be able to stay off antidepressants if this is what is going to feel like.
standing right beside you with this, 3r. i hope it's temporary, too. love and :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope you can find the light at the of your tunnel soon. And then the sun shines on you for a while. I greatly appreciate you wisdom and support here. I hope you feel my heartfelt hug. :hug:
Three Roses I want to send you a hug today :hug:
I know this feeling of depression and if coming off the medication is too hard please don't feel like you have to soldier on without it.
There are days when now I am seeing an upside to being off medication but it took a long time for the mood to stabilise (though not sure stable is a good word to describe me right now) and it feels fragile. Self care is where its at. There are days when I still feel absolutely awful.
Remembering that healing is a process helps me with that.
:grouphug:
San, Tee, S&B - your responses lifted my spirits. Thanks so much! :grouphug:
If I may, I'd like to reiterate a couple of points made by SharpAndBlunt, specifically noticing that, first, stability isn't necessarily always a good thing; it just feels better at certain times, sometimes radically so. We're sure we're on our way out of the muck our life threatens to get mired in.When we come out of the pit, we assume we've landed okay, but that's only the start, the next stepping stone on a treacherous trail; perhaps there's even a swinging bridge effect for a while. Scary stuff.
So perhaps even feelings aren't meant to be right/wrong, black/white progressive traits. They could be, though, and for those traveling the cptsd emotional wilderness they can be terribly problematic.
The 'to do' options seem to waver, especially in the transition zone between meds and other attempts to soothe the instability, and as SharpAIf ndBlunt also observes: "healing is a process." I guess if it weren't -- even the up and down parts -- there wouldn't be much healing. Healing isn't automatic, apparently; and the work it takes to stay on track likewise has options -- relief or mucking along. But if we don't muck along we might miss the next step in healing.
Keep on keeping on, Three Roses. :hug:
I hope it was okay to butt into your journal like this.
3Roses-
I can't speak from the perspective of being on or off medications or the transitions therein, but I will just add that I admire your courage and conviction in this difficult time. Healing is circular, not linear, it seems. I like what Woodsgnome says about not assuming that feelings are a real guidepost to where we are along the path. And, they do change.
Hang in there, buddy. We are here listening and encouraging you. :hug:
Wanted to say I'm thinking of you Three Roses. There's no wrong way to walk your path of recovery. Keep taking care of you and I hope relief comes soon. Sometimes it starts like a tiny ripple, one little thing that feels just a little different, maybe a little better. Some shift that lets me know that things are in fact changing, that each time I experience deep depression (which has been often), but now on my way to healing, it's a little different than the last. Perhaps it's new tools I'm learning, feeling supported, some small act of self-kindness, adjusting meds, going on or off meds, I'm beginning to understand I'm not stuck, though sometimes its difficult to measure.
As others have said, healing is not a linear journey. And sometimes the path is really steep and rocky. Thanks for walking your path with us. :hug:
💚💚💚 Woodsgnome - thank you so much - I would never think of your comments as "butting in" and your insights are always helpful.
Jdog, MoonBeam - your comments of support are so important to me, thank you. Thanks to you all, every one of you, for supporting me.
Today is better. I'm not wishing I were dead. I reminded myself yesterday that my low points are really just that - mere points on my up-and-down, back-and-forth journey thru this. It's like a winding path you might hike through the woods - the trail will switch back on itself but as long as you're moving, progress is made. H was helpful, taking the dog out and cooking dinner, etc., so I could curl into a fetal position yesterday and sleep which was nice.
When I get down like that, I am a different person. Today I'm feeling like the pro-social version of me is back in the driver's seat. 👍
I know there will probably be rough days ahead. But i know from past experience that things will eventually even out - and my mood swings will go from the dramatic extremes of feeling like I'm in the pit of * VS feeling on top of Mt Everest, to the "normal" feeling of being in a stable boat on the undulating waves of the ocean. When the Prozac is out of my system and my moods stabilize I can take a look at how I feel, and decide if a different antidepressant is necessary or if I can manage without one. I think it's probably best at some point to ask my pcp for a referral to a psychiatrist which I've never done before.
I'm glad your day is better today. The ups and downs are hard. When you feel like you take one step forward and two steps back. It's frustrating and hard but we will make it through I'm so glad that we have this place. To be here for each other. Have a great day tomorrow too. :hug:
Thanks, Tee :hug:
Glad today is a bit better. Just wanted to send you support. :hug:
:hug: Glad you are felling better!
Glad that you're feeling better, and that when you weren't, your H cooked dinner and looked after the dog. Such a relief when you can just let things go and not have to bother.
Today, feeling very down again. I've got an overshare hangover. Time to retreat again. Went out to lunch with someone I thought could be a friend. :Idunno:
She's someone I met at church - a conservative group of people in this case. I wish I could find like-minded, liberal, spiritual people to hang with. I could use more friends.
I understand I have one friend who understands. It's hard to feel so alone. You are not alone. :hug:
I hope you find a friend that you can find confined in and hang with. :grouphug:
Here's hoping you find those liberal spiritual people in real life. There are a bunch of us here online, but that's cold comfort when you want to go for coffee and just feel understood.
Don't give up the search. :hug:
Thanks, you guys.
What JDog said :) :hug:
dang, i hate it when i decide to take that chance w/ someone and it turns its back on me. i get wanting to retreat after that. :stars: here's hoping you find someone with whom you can share, a like-minded person. that would be great!!!! sending love and :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi Three Roses. I haven't heard the term "overshare hangover", but it's brilliant. So accurate! and so uncomfortable. Just wanted to say I completely understand how you feel.
I just discovered a bead store--glass, stone and clay, even a few crystals. They offer jewelry making classes and a table where one can just sit and make jewelry--for beginners and pro's alike. I'm hoping to find some kindred folks there or at least some safe like-minded company. Perhaps there is a little shop like that or a cool bookstore, art store or cafe to check out where you live. It's so hard to show up, but it's worth the bumps for me to not feel so isolated. Hang in. :hug:
That's a great idea! There is a place near me that is like that - not beads or jewelry but craft projects like painting pottery. Wonderful idea! I'll look into it.
Thanks to everyone who responded - I'd list you individually but I'm too tired. Sorry. :grouphug:
My overshare hangover is better. After all, she shared some things with me, too, from her own background. I do have friends but none of them are geographically close, they're all an hour or more away. So I'm looking for some one that's closer to me, that I can have lunch with etc. Plus, I am in my 60s now, and statistically it's more difficult for women my age to make new friends.
But her political ideology is so different from mine, idk if this person is a good choice for me. Maybe a casual friendship with her would work, we both love gardening.
Thanks for all the support, everyone.
unfortunately, in this political climate, sharing ideology seems pretty important cuz it's so divided. i'm in a similar situation. that's a great idea from moonbeam - i hope you find someone close by. it would be great! :yes:
keep taking care of you. much love and lots of hugs. :grouphug:
Sometimes I have to laugh at myself - the person texted me today and said she went home and looked up some of the stuff we talked about and said she now sees that something she'd always believed in was incorrect. So I guess I have to give her more credit, for being more open minded than I thought.
:applause: making a difference
That's a great story! People CAN change!
**STRONG Trigger warning, violence**
Been gone a few days for some much needed down time and self care. Things are better in some ways and rougher in other ways. By now my antidepressant is probably 99% out of my system; I think I might be able to stay off of them.
When we get our bills paid down a little more I think I'll make an appointment with a psychiatrist as I've never seen one before. The therapy I've had has been talk therapy for the beliefs I held about myself and the way I interact with others. I've never been brave enough to dig deeper into the causes and always quit therapy when I couldn't avoid looking deeper anymore.
STRONG TRIGGER WARNING remainder of post -
The things I've been through include cpa ages 5 to 19, csa ages 9 to ?, attempted r by sibling at age 14, sexual attempts from sibling when I was ages 19 and 33, abused by 5 female teachers, attempted sororicide by drowning age 12, attempted filicide by strangulation age 16, verbal abuse by m, multiple Rs, abusive marriage age 25 to 2013-ish.
That's the short list. A couple therapists made no attempt to hide that they did not believe me. And I hadn't even presented them with a full list. One counselor told me my marital probs were because I wasn't submissive enough. Add to that all the times I've felt silenced and ostracized and it's no wonder I am where I am, emotionally.
my dear 3r,
how dare someone tell you you're lying! :pissed: that's just wrong!
i've also had a t blame me for my hub's 'proclivities'. wrong, again!
what you've been thru is enough, more than enough, for anyone to deal w/ in a lifetime. :stars: having people disbelieve you or blame you for what happened only piles more of the crapola onto your shoulders. :fallingbricks: i wish i could just sweep you into a warm, gentle hug and brush all of it off you. :bighug: you were never to blame for someone else's thoughts, feelings, or actions. never!
so much courage you've shown, 3r. you are a walking miracle. :yes: and, now, getting off your meds will hopefully clear the way for a thorough cleansing of what was, causes and all. standing with you all the way with this, sweetie. you are one of the warmest, most caring people i've never met. you only quit as a survival mechanism in the past. these things are so very difficult and can feel like they threaten our very sanity. take your time and keep caring for yourself first and foremost - you totally deserve it. sending much love always, and gentle hugs.. :hug: :hug: :hug:
I don't think I could say it any better than San but I 110% agree with everything San said. You do not deserve any of the harm that has happened to you none of us do! You are so encouraging and supportive to me and others here take time to feel the love and support from others too. You are not alone! :grouphug: :hug:.
I hope you find a good psychologist that will help and not cause more harm. Standing with you and believing every word. The warmest hug hope it helps. :hug:
I wish I had better words right now. I echo what San and Tee said. Feeling anger toward those who didn't believe you and toward those who blamed you and a ton of tender care for you. :hug:
:yeahthat: Echoing san, Tee and notalone. :hug: :grouphug:
Oh sweetie,
I know some of that abuse but am confident that I wouldn't be still standing if I went through what you did.
You are stronger than what you give yourself credit for. I truly believe that.
We are here if you need us :grouphug:
You beautiful people! I feel warm, and seen, and loved by what each of you wrote. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :grouphug:
Dear Three Roses,
I think it took tremendous courage to tell people what you've been through, and the responses you've had (not the ones from here) - :no:
:hug: and :bighug: to you, if that is OK
3Roses. Gah-So mad at those who would doubt and try to put their own issues on you--to not believe. submissive? I'm fuming!
You are so brave to list your perpetrators--even the short list. I've been trying and can't yet. You are so strong. You are here, you are recovering.
I want you to know I'm standing with you too. We're not alone in this and here you are valid and valued. I hope you find a good psychiatrist when the time is right, who can guide you to those deeper feelings as you are ready to look at them. And what amazing work you are doing, being able to let go of antidepressants is a big step. Be kind and gentle with yourself. :hug:
Dear 3Roses - I read what you wrote on 3rd July - you were so brave to list all the perpetrators and I was shocked to see what you have been through - so much, and it is just not fair that you had to endure any of that. I believe you and I am shocked that anyone would not believe you. Sending you a hug :hug: if that's ok. I stand beside you, and I want you to know that I care a lot about you. :grouphug:
Hope :)
SaB, MoonBeam, Hope :grouphug: thank you so much for your support. It means a lot.
Every single one of us here has been thru horrors that no one should have to endure. But, We have come out of our abuse with an appreciation of beauty and a depth of insight that others who have not endured what we have endured cannot possess. Our compassion sets us apart. I'm reminded of the art form kintsugi, in which broken pottery is mended with gold dust, emphasizing the brokenness instead of hiding it. The pottery's appearance is forever altered but the piece is beautiful. Here is a link if you want to read more : https://mymodernmet.com/kintsugi-kintsukuroi/ This is how I see myself and all of us here who refused to hide to protect the reputation of our abusers, who stand with head and chest high instead of slumped. We say, "Yes, I know you can't understand me," but it is no longer an apology - it is a recognition of their unexpanded understanding.
I like that 3R. You are so strong. Keep your head up! Thanks for the encouragement! :grouphug: :hug:
3R, you are just a terrific person. I am so glad to get to know you here on this forum. The idea of mending ourselves and therefore being stronger and more beautiful - it's powerful. Thanks! :applause:
:grouphug:
I second what Jdog said!
I adore you and will be forever grateful to you for helping me through a very tough time. :hug: and love to you sweetie
someone showed me that broken pottery image, how beautiful it looks. i think it's a wonderful analogy for us. your words are beautiful, your strength, your courage, your heart. my life is more beautiful for having known you. :yes:
sending love and a hug filled w/ beauty at its core. :hug:
Deep Blue & San :grouphug:
This weekend, our youngest son (33) will be up for a visit. It's our eldest son's birthday soon and we'll be celebrating it tonight with a bbq. I'm looking forward to spending time together as a family! I don't feel any of the jangly nervousness that I have in the past.
Although it's been rough to finally uncover and face the reality of my violent past, it's been so, SO worth it! In mentally dissecting and examining those painful, traumatic events I've been able to bring them to the fore so I can challenge the anxious thoughts and dysfunctional beliefs that can overtake me. I'm not even hoping that it's permanent, if it's just day to day I think that's a better plan. An expectation to have no expectations! :bigwink:
Pete Walker: "Insight, as crucially important as it is, is never enough to attain the deeper levels of recovering." (p 216, "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving)
I'm learning how to calm my anxious body thru top-down communication - staying mindful of not only my thoughts and beliefs but also slowing my breathing, breathing deeply, and taking time to really experience my surroundings. To look and really see.
Quote from: Three Roses on July 06, 2019, 04:57:18 PM
I'm looking forward to spending time together as a family! I don't feel any of the jangly nervousness that I have in the past.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Yay on the nervousness having disappeared!
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: For all that you posted today. Huge progress on many fronts. :applause:
Long, but necessary. 😊
I start to feel enthusiasm and/or interest – then something takes over. I find reasons why not to do the thing I'm interested in and become crippled and over-stimulated by fear. If I take that trip to visit a friend, will my car break down? If the car breaks down, will I be in danger of violence? Will H be unhappy, angry or hurtful that I'm spending money, or that I'm getting and/or seeking attention and companionship in others, although it's healthy to have friends?
So I got out my "From Surviving To Thriving" book and poked around some, and what it said about the Inner Critic really jumped out at me.
Page 25-26, "From Surviving To Thriving"
SHRINKING THE INNER CRITIC
Early abuse and abandonment forces the child to merge his identity with the superego, the part of the child's brain that learns the rules of her caretakers in order to get and maintain acceptance. However, because acceptance is impossible in the cptsd–engendering family, the superego gets stuck working overtime to achieve the impossible. Perseverating on finding a formula to win over her parents, the child eventually embraces perfectionism as a strategy to make her parents less dangerous and more engaging. Her one hope is that if she becomes smart, helpful, pretty, and flawless enough, her parents will finally care for her.
Sadly, continued failure at winning their regard forces her to conclude that she is fatally flawed. She (concludes that) she is loveless not because of her mistakes, but because she is a mistake. She can only see what is wrong with or missing in her.
Anything she does, says, thinks, imagines or feels has the potential to spiral her down into a depressed abyss of fear and toxic shame. Her superego fledges into a full-blown, trauma inducing critic.
Self-criticism, then, runs non-stop in a desperate attempt to avoid rejection-inducing mistakes. Drasticizing becomes obsessive to help the child foresee and avoid punishment and worsening abandonment. At the same time, it continuously fills her psyche with stories and images of catastrophe.
The survivor becomes imprisoned by a jailer who will accept nothing but perfection. She is chauffeured by a hysterical driver who sees nothing but danger in every turn of the road.
P. 169
In my work with survivors, I am continuously struck by how often the inner critic triggers them into overwhelming emotional flashbacks. The Cptsd-derived inner critic weds our fear of abandonment to our self-hate about our imperfections. It then tortures us with the entwined serpents of perfectionism and endangerment. Endangerment is the process of constantly protecting danger onto safe–enough situations.
🥀🥀🥀
I'm going to have to enlist the help of my inner Angry Teen. I need to get over this fear I have of everything. I'm locked by endangerment/hypervigilance in a state of immobility and inertia. If I do nothing, my inner critic seems to think, I won't be in danger. But by doing nothing, I make myself unhappy, and open myself to criticism for being under-active! It's a no win situation, and I need to extricate myself from this inability to do anything.
I love my inner Angry Teen. I call on her when I feel fearful, and let her take the driver's seat. "Forget about what other people think!" she says to me. "Do what you want!" Her forthright and excited approach to the world is exactly what I need right now.
I call her my Angry Teen, but she's not so much angry as throwing off the constraints she's felt, and is making her way out into the world around her, as is fitting, healthy, and normal for any teen.
Quote from: Three Roses on July 08, 2019, 05:00:22 PM
I love my inner Angry Teen. I call on her when I feel fearful, and let her take the driver's seat. "Forget about what other people think!" she says to me. "Do what you want!" Her forthright and excited approach to the world is exactly what I need right now.
I call her my Angry Teen, but she's not so much angry as throwing off the constraints she's felt, and is making her way out into the world around her, as is fitting, healthy, and normal for any teen.
I love this Three Roses. She is wise and brave, as is grown up you for embracing and valuing her wisdom, excitement and courage.
Those quotations from Pete Walker mean so much to me too! Also the scenario you described about being interested or enthusiatic then 'something takes over'. I'm very familiar with that too. So thank you for making the connect for me between that situation and ICr.
So glad for you that you can enlist help from Inner Angry Teen throwing off the constraints! :cheer:
You're making huge strides forward atm! Wow!! :cheer: :applause: :thumbup: :hug:
Good for you go for it have some fun you deserve it! :cheer: :applause: :cheer:
My ICr is currently wreaking havock though. I have a meeting with HR on Wednesday about the new job opportunity that I can't let myself get excited about. :Idunno:. I really want it and think I would be good but feel like it's not going to go my way. :aaauuugh: trying to stay positive. Keep me in your thoughts I'll let you guys know how it goes.
QuoteKeep me in your thoughts I'll you guys know how it goes.
:thumbup:
:hug: 3R, I really recognise your sensation of when "something takes over". I experience it also, as something like a cringe, whenever I feel an emotion. In me, I think it's an overactive learned protection mechanism. I think you're doing great. Sending my very best. :)
SaB
I like your new picture too 3R :hug:
3r, this is inspiring. honestly, the idea of leaning on inner angry teen is amazing. i think it's the perfect example of how to break out of the loop that has strangled us and prevented us from being and knowing our own best selves. :stars: you are so right - teens need to throw off the yokes of the parents in order to discover who they are themselves. in a healthy upbringing, that 'rebellion' is recognized for what it is, and a healthy parent will understand, guide, and encourage. sounds like that's exactly what you're doing! :thumbup:
well done for going the extra steps for yourself to discover what's really going on w/ you when this crapola hits your fan. :yes: quite a bit of courage and determination needed to do this, so i hope you're able to give yourself some credit - no, lots of credit! you are great! sending love always, and a hug full of continued insight and awareness :hug:
QuoteI think it's an overactive learned protection mechanism
SharpAndBlunt, that's how it feels to me, too. :hug:
Thanks, Tee! I make them with a free app.
Quotethe idea of leaning on inner angry teen is amazing. i think it's the perfect example of how to break out of the loop that has strangled us
San, I feel like if those inner kids are in there, I'm going to give them as much expressive freedom as I can, and take the gifts they offer. :yes:
Thanks to all for your support and encouragement, it means the world to me. :grouphug:
That's cool what app if you don't mind me asking? :grouphug:
Quote from: Three Roses on July 08, 2019, 05:00:22 PM
I love my inner Angry Teen. I call on her when I feel fearful, and let her take the driver's seat. "Forget about what other people think!" she says to me. "Do what you want!" Her forthright and excited approach to the world is exactly what I need right now.
I call her my Angry Teen, but she's not so much angry as throwing off the constraints she's felt, and is making her way out into the world around her, as is fitting, healthy, and normal for any teen.
Yeah for her and her strength and courage. :cheer:
I too am impressed with you and your idea to lean on your inner angry teen.
I'm quite certain I don't have one of those. I don't think it developed because that's when most of my trauma was. Maybe I need to work on making one???
You are simply the best :hug:
Thanks, Tee, notalone, and Deep Blue! :hug:
QuoteI'm quite certain I don't have one of those. I don't think it developed because that's when most of my trauma was. Maybe I need to work on making one???
Hey, that's a great idea! Not to create her necessarily but to ask her if she's there - I think I'll look at that myself for some other Inners who may be hanging out but shy.
Thanks, San, for the reminder about chakras which I'd forgotten.
For anyone who's interested, here's a link to the test.
https://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/chakratest
After the test, it will show results - low, balanced or "open", and high. I love the concept of balance in all things! Then there's another link to show how to balance them, and other links with more helpful info.
Every time I take this test my results are different, which makes sense. Today my "root" Chakra showed up needing the most attention. Here's what the website has to say about the root chakra:
QuoteTechniques to open the Root Chakra
Using the body and becoming aware of it
The Root chakra, being the first chakra, is the most physical one. This means that any activity that makes one more aware of the body, will strengthen this chakra.
This particularly goes for physical activity. One can do sports, martial arts, walking, yoga, Taichi, it all helps. But also house-cleaning, manual dishwashing and car-cleaning. It is important not to do things that make one insensitive to pain and not to overdo it. Exhaustion is just not good.
Zen meditation is an activity that seems to be the contrary of physical, but actually is. This can make one very aware of the body.
So I'm giving myself some homework. For too long I've just been inactive and sluggish, hanging out in my head too much. Today I purpose to slowly start being more active without overdoing it and hurting myself! Yay, me. :cheer:
A small setback. Not feelin' the desire for self care. Feeling withdrawn, dunno why. So I'm going to sit with my feelings, maybe I'll figure out what is going on but if I don't tomorrow is another day. We did have company from out of town for a couple days, so maybe I'm just tired. :Idunno:
yay, you, is right :cheer: even if you're not feeling it today. company usually drains me, especially if for more than a day. hope you give yourself a break - that's self-care, too. love you! :hug:
Hugs there with you, want to with draw from everything at the moment. :grouphug:
We tend to get to a certain point that seems like forward motion, and it feels good. Soon, of course, we want more. More is usually on the way, indicated by the forward motion we're so eager to continue.
The reality seems to suggest it doesn't always work that way (although sometimes it does; ah life). If we never learned self-care from anyone else, it's doubly difficult to just up and do so. That's only another form of the taunt "just get over it".
Your journal is bursting with examples of self-care finding a home. Like any home, it might take some tweaking and adjustments. Meanwhile, you can rest knowing that even at times when it doesn't feel like it, there are so many hard points already passed. They still lurk, want to come back, and yet all signs point to the path continuing for getting out of that box and keeping the lid off too (but nearby just in case). And don't worry about that, too; we'll keep it in safekeeping, because you are sooooooooooo worth it, so wonderful, so with it, and just deserving :grouphug:
I feel like that too sometimes 3R. There are many forms of self care, as you know. Posting is another form of self care :bigwink:
Sometimes a smell memory can help me out of it too. Light a candle or bake something. I'm a big fan of baking.
Today I'm making pinacolada cookies. They are in the oven now. Can you picture us sitting having some tea and enjoying them together? :hug:
Hi Three Roses
Sending you a compassionate hug, if that's ok. :hug: I hope you can get some rest, if that feels best for you - I know that I feel fatigued whenever there are people around, and often a sense of relief when they have gone. But also the transition can bring its own stresses, so whatever you need - I hope you will receive that, and I wish you the best for today.
Hope :)
Thanks for each of your comments, I'd love to address each of them individually but just can't atm. Taking more time to give myself some self-care. See you all soon.
:hug:
Hi Three Roses,
We'll be here - and in the meantime, thinking of you and sending you a warm hug :hug: I hope that's ok. I like your new icon photo - just wanted to comment on that too. Very cool.
Hope :)
San, Tee, Woodsgnome, Deep Blue, and Hope - :grouphug:
I just don't have it in me to answer each individually - thanks to each of you. Your support means more than I can say.
I've just overdone it, over socialized, too much conversation. I'll try to gradually ease back in when I've rested. Non-stop company/social obligations for a solid week, every day. Blah. 😩 Now I feel like 💩. I'll get over it tho, I always do.
take your time, sweetie. i hear you on the socializing stuff - that can exhaust me almost easier than anything else, and i used to be a full-blown social butterfly! no more - wears me out now. so, i get it. rest, relax, whatever it takes for you to recharge. love and hugs to you :hug: :hug: :hug:
:hug: feel better
San, Tee - :grouphug:
🥀🥀🥀
I'm angry. I've been angry. I've been angry for so long. And I've denied it. I've denied it for so long that I don't know who I am anymore.
I have a suspicion that that's why I'm finding it difficult to be in social situations - I don't know how to act because I don't know who I am. Who I really am. I've been told I'm too this, too that, too triggering, too nice, "be this way, instead," so I adapt, and then it's, "be another way," until I don't know how I'm supposed to function. I've allowed it to cripple me.
I've been too concerned with avoiding hurting others. A noble endeavor, until it's done to one's own detriment. Then it becomes dysfunctional, codependency. It's eating me alive.
I'm throwing down my crutches. I'm kicking down the scaffolding. Ripping off the bandages. Even if I stumble and bleed (metaphorically speaking), I'm walking the rest of my road trying to uncover the pieces of me I threw away, abandoned, buried. It'll take me a while to dig them up and dust them off. But I'm not giving up.
Three Roses said: "I'm throwing down my crutches. I'm kicking down the scaffolding."...etc. :thumbup: :applause:
And ... "I'm walking the rest of my road trying to uncover the pieces of me I threw away, abandoned, buried. It'll take me a while to dig them up and dust them off. But I'm not giving up."
I'm so with you, and I love how you incorporated the kintsugi practice of finding all the old pieces, restoring and building an even better, more authentic 'you'. The new art work will be yours, and yours alone. :cheer:
Hi Three Roses! What you said really struck a chord with me. I find it so easy to go into a people pleaser role. Sometimes I enjoy the caretaker aspect and I wonder if it's a part of my personality, but there are times that some people take advantage of that through conditioning and it causes me a lot of pain. What you said about taking charge and finding yourself is so inspiring! I'm wishing you the best in your endeavor!
Quote from: woodsgnome on July 17, 2019, 11:51:18 PMI love how you incorporated the kintsugi practice of finding all the old pieces, restoring and building an even better, more authentic 'you'. The new art work will be yours, and yours alone. :cheer:
I hadn't realized the connection until you said this - and how deep my belief goes that I am broken into pieces. Thanks again, my friend!
Quote from: sunflower38 on July 18, 2019, 01:58:53 AMWhat you said about taking charge and finding yourself is so inspiring! I'm wishing you the best in your endeavor!
That's what I love about our forum, how we inspire each other and take away the lonely feelings of being abnormal, different, alien. :hug:
Quote from: Three Roses on July 17, 2019, 11:07:55 PM
... I'm walking the rest of my road trying to uncover the pieces of me I threw away, abandoned, buried. It'll take me a while to dig them up and dust them off. But I'm not giving up.
You will find them, Three Roses, they're still there inside just waiting to be rediscovered. It might take some time and it might hurt a little (or sometimes a lot) but they *are* there for you, and you will find them :hug:
And you have here for support, if and when you need some. :) :thumbup:
3R I totally get that trying to be everything everyone else wants and losing yourself. I hope that your journey back is easier that you think. I agree with SaB the pieces are there and I think you show who are here so it's just having the courage to live it unabashedly. You are strong and courageous, with such a wise beautiful soul. With love and support on your journey. :hug:
S&B, Tee - :grouphug: as always, your support means more than I can adequately express. :yes:
🥀🥀🥀
Read a poem and thought I'd put it here -
"Today
I gave up
On healing my trauma
I gave up
On practicing the skills
To become whole
Today I gave up
On evolving
Into that ever elusive
Better version of myself
Today I submitted
To the wound of love
I stopped pointing at it
Looking at it
Soothing it
Tweaking it
Fixing it
Finessing it
Hiding it
Polishing it
I stopped this game of separation
I crawled inside the wound
And spread it open
I decided to wear it like a gown
I accepted my total and utter
Failure
To be anything else
But me"
- Maya Luna
🥀🥀🥀
This poem speaks so strongly to me! To me, it's not saying to totally give up, but just for today to take a break.
I will pursue my Self - the self that was lost and buried in years of trying to hide my trauma. I have no more apologies to give for bearing wounds that I did not cause.
My new attitude -
"If my wounds alarm you, I invite you to look away. Don't make me responsible for your feelings surrounding them; that's your job."
Quote from: Three Roses on July 20, 2019, 08:07:52 PM
My new attitude -
"If my wounds alarm you, I invite to look away. Don't make me responsible for your feelings surrounding them; that's your job."
Very powerful statement.
I like the poem you shared. Sometimes I need to just believe and accept my past and feel the destruction it caused.
"I stopped this game of separation
I crawled inside the wound
And spread it open
I decided to wear it like a gown"
I like the way you said that. It's not your job to hide your wounds.
It triggered some thoughts I might need to write down later. :hug:
Wrote a poem called wounds if you want to check it out.
wow, 3r, some really powerful stuff! honestly, i applaud you :applause:. to own your grit and allow it says to me that some of that anger is giving you the strength and power to accomplish being your own truth. that poem was fabulously on the money - i've also gone this way and that in trying to find the 'best' version of me, rather than the most honest version of me. we have nothing to be ashamed of.
didn't you tell me about the broken pottery that's mended w/ gold or silver, and it becomes it's own, newly discovered work of art? that's exactly how i see what you're saying. we have been broken, shattered even, but that takes nothing away from the valuable, wonderful, glorious people we are. i give you so much credit for this revelation, sweetie. i really do. my heart sings for you! :whistling: well, that's whistling, but you get the idea. there's music there.
sending you love and a hug filled w/ honestly and personal truth. you so deserve that, and pish on all that 'advice' that's told you who you 'should' be. you are so beautiful as you. :hug:
Tee :hug: you're a darling!
San :hug: you made me literally laugh out loud at "my heart sings for you! :whistling: well, that's whistling, but you get the idea. there's music there"! 🤣
Quote from: Three Roses on July 20, 2019, 08:07:52 PM
I will pursue my Self - the self that was lost and buried in years of trying to hide my trauma. I have no more apologies to give for bearing wounds that I did not cause.
My new attitude -
"If my wounds alarm you, I invite you to look away. Don't make me responsible for your feelings surrounding them; that's your job."
Wow, powerful indeed Three Roses. And just what I needed to hear. I'm inspired. Thank you for sharing.
Oops! I skipped thanking you, notalone! 😢 So very sorry. Thank you so much for your support and validation, and glad you liked the poem. :hug: :hug:
MoonBeam - thanks for the support, and I'm glad it was what you needed too. :hug:
🥀🥀🥀
Today, I'm going to hide in my room, do some reading, eat better, and rest up from my busy week. I've been doing a lot, helping my hubby's ex-coworker, and I want to be mindful of the border between truly helping vs helping to keep from looking at my own 💩.
Found a new home for my chickens and I'm so thankful. He's a good man who only wants them for the company (and some eggs) and so I don't have to worry about them being a meal sometime in the future. It was totally serendipitous so thank you, Universe. :applause:
Had a couple of realizations this week, too. I think I've known them for a long time now but I'm ready to name them.
1) I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I do not use food for nourishment, I use it for entertainment. It's time to take a look at the issues behind this and get serious about taking care of myself better. Ooooo just then an ICr popped up and said, "Why?" in a very demeaning and scornful tone.
2) this one is not as easy to admit. At times I use sh. Not at the moment and not for a few days. I suppose I could look at food that way, too, but this is something different.
So, I'm going to work in my handwritten journal today and hopefully read some "Survivor To Thriver" and work there, too. Then tomorrow we have family coming, she'll be here possibly until mid August. This is a person with whom I've had trouble in the past but we are okay now. Moving forward, choosing to let bygones be bygones.
Take care of yourself! :hug:
:cheer: for identifying for yourself things you need to keep in check good luck. Here if you need an extra hug or support. I appreciate all of your help. Make sure you take credit of you though!
Yeah for finding a good home for your chickens.
I have kind of an opposite relationship with food I guess. I sometimes forget to eat and it's not till the dull ache in my stomach triggers other things that I remember I should eat something. :doh: I feel for you though I have many friends that struggle with food so I know it's hard. :hug:
Good luck with your self care and journal. I really do appreciate you and your support. :hug:
Yes, Tee, that's more the type of unhealthy relationship I have with food, too. I forget to eat, sometimes don't even feel hungry and sometimes when I am hungry I seek unhealthy foods instead of true sustenance. If it's not "fun" I don't want to eat it. Sometimes my headaches are from low blood sugar and are my first realization that I need food.
Yeah I get headaches too, I get killer migraines not from not eating but I guess that might trigger then at times. Hugs :hug: I hope you take care of yourself. I don't generally buy junk food for two reasons one when I do it usually is gone when I want it because my H or kids have eaten it. Before I remember to eat it. And two I try to have healthy things in the house for them to eat. :Idunno: so I just have to remember to eat. Hope you have a great weekend take care of yourself! :hug:
good for you, 3r, for naming those 2 areas. i find i do that kind of thing in a similar manner - i may be aware on some level for quite some time, but then comes a point where it sticks in my consciousness, and it's like i can finally grab hold of it and, as you said, 'name' it. it's an interesting dynamic to me, and thanks for giving it credence. it helped me make sense of what i do. ???
congrats on finding a home for your chickens. :applause:
you have really been moving forward, lately - at least it seems so to me. i remember when you were quite reticent about sharing anything personal. you don't seem near that anymore. i give you a lot of credit for persevering. you're showing a lot of determination and dedication to your own health and well-being. :thumbup: at least, that's how i see it.
interesting connection between your headaches and lack of food.
i hope the upcoming visit goes well. sending love and a hug filled w/ continuing clarity. :hug:
Love and hugs back to you all :grouphug:
Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 27, 2019, 09:04:01 PM
good for you, 3r, for naming those 2 areas. .. ..
you have really been moving forward, lately - at least it seems so to me. i remember when you were quite reticent about sharing anything personal. you don't seem near that anymore.
:yeahthat:
Sorry you're with me not just in eating disorder but also sh :'( Naming them is part of accepting them and moving towards healing imho. :hug: :hug:
QuoteNaming them is part of accepting them and moving towards healing imho. :hug: :hug:
I agree. I'm very, very accomplished at not being honest with myself. Honesty with others is important to me but it seems being honest with myself is very threatening. Time to correct that.
Thanks to everyone for your support. :hug:
:grouphug:
Please no response to this. this post is just meant as Reminder to myself.
Hit a rough spot. Am I causing these arguments or is my denial just disappearing about my husband's behavior. Asked my pcp for a referral to a psychiatrist.
Reading several journals, I see I'm not the only one triggered recently. I'm sorry that I just don't have it in me to respond to each of you. I'm feeling angry that we have been abused, violated, damaged by others and that now WE are the ones stuck here having to deal with all this #$@%!
Got called selfish and lazy yesterday by H, after I tried to tell him I was in an EF from something he did. Probably best to go back to keeping myself to myself. I don't know how to communicate when I'm triggered. Or any other time, is how I feel right now. Feeling very weepy and misunderstood. When will this be over, I'm so freaking done with this.
:hug: I'm sorry not for fault here for you sending a compassionate understanding hug. :hug:
Thanks, Tee. :hug:
:hug: :hug: :hug: sweetie. looking at things realistically, well, i can totally relate to the difficulty of that at times. just letting you know you're not alone. it feels very shameful to me that i've done that, still do it at times, altho it's getting better. standing w/ you on this, 3r. it sucks, all of it. :pissed:
sending much love and support while you get thru the muck. :grouphug:
Yep, it (c-PTSD, dealing with abuse) stinks!
It really does just suck sometimes. Know that we are all here for you TR :grouphug: Communicating is so hard on a normal basis, let alone in an EF. Remember to be kind to yourself as you work through it. Maybe a trip to the porch would help? Does EMS help you, I know she is always such a calming visualization for me. Her warm skirts just holding me in until I am more ready to face the world. :hug:
Standing with you Three Roses. Wanted to say, it seems like maybe H is putting some of his stuff on you in the moment and not communicating well. Those aren't kind things to say, n'or true. You just take care of you right now and know the truth is that you are dealing with some super heavy things, and that is exhausting--no joke, no questions. We understand and stand with you. This will pass.
Also, I texted to my T when I was in the super bad trigger/EF Tuesday eve "this sucks." I'm feeling it too. I think getting a little angry is a healthy thing atm.
Hang in :hug:
Thanks everyone. :grouphug:
QuoteI think getting a little angry is a healthy thing atm.
Hang in :hug:
Thanks :hug:
H came in to our room where I was trying to handle my EF and asked what I was doing, so I said, crying, "trying to handle this EF from when you xyz'd. I know you were kidding but it really triggered me." I thought I was being honest instead of hiding my emotions, like weed agreed on. Idk if I'll try that again lol.
I've got an appointment with a psychiatrist finally, beginning of next month. :thumbup:
:hug: sometimes my H needs it spelled out cause he just doesn't get it otherwise. Hope you get a little reprieve. Here for you. :hug:
That's super frustrating TR, especially since you made an agreement regarding. It sounds like you did a good job of being clear and letting him know. Perhaps practice will help him understand and be able to follow through? When or if it feels safe for you. I totally get it though, it's sometimes just easier to keep it in than try to explain or teach someone, especially if I'm just trying to hang on in the moment. Sorry friend.
Glad to hear you have an appt with a psychiatrist. I hope it goes really well.
Three Roses, I'm really sorry to hear of your hurt re your recent communication with H. These barriers we have are so enormous and overwhelming, I think of your honesty as very brave and being true to yourself. Just a though, it may take others time to realise that you are changing?
Don't want to say to much on that or be invalidating but please have :hug: :hug: you are brave.
:hug: :hug: to you 3R. Glad you've got an appointment at a psychiatrist's.
Sorry just popped back to add that selfish and lazy is unacceptable and untrue too just wanted to make sure there was no doubt about that, sorry.
so very glad you got that appt. finally. hopefully, you'll find out something positive.
i think being honest is a brave choice. we can only do what we do, then look at the results and consider choices for the future. hang tough, sweetie. i think you're doing really well. plus, you're amazing. :yourock:
sending love always and a hug filled with strength :hug:
it's brave of you to tell H what happened and that it wasn't okay. I hope you'll do it again, and not hide what you feel. Like you told me, you are entitled to your emotions.
That's awesome that you were able to tell H what you were feeling. I know it's usually way easier to bottle things up, but I'm glad that you didn't and instead took action in taking care of yourself. And cptsd does really suck!! :hug:
Thanks, you guys! :grouphug:
So, I have this friend - I've written about her here before - and I've always kind of felt like I wasn't as important to her as she is to me, but that's okay, I don't think any relationship is ever evenly balanced in that regard.
Anyway. I've learned recently that she has gone to visit another friend several times who is even further from her geographically than I am. And yet she has no time to ever come here to visit me. That's the way our friendship has gone over the years.
And up until recently that was something I accepted, because I understand her time constraints, her life that's much busier than mine, her controlling husband, blah blah blah. I'm feeling like I want more from her, and not maintain this unbalanced relationship anymore if I'm not going to be a priority.
But, I also know, now may not be the time to sever a relationship, when I'm feeling so emotionally wonky. Still it feels kind of good to write how I feel about it here.
:hug: your important to me 3R. Big hugs :hug:
Awww, thanks Tee :hug:
I've always driven to her house, a 3 hour drive one way. Over the years I've driven it countless times, and yet I can count the times she has come to see me on my 2 hands. :Idunno:
Yeah that would be frustrating. Have you asked her why she hasn't visited more? Maybe she doesn't realize you want her visit. :Idunno:
I don't know she probably does. My brother and his family just refuses to travel, one because I live close to our NM and they refuse to see them. So if they come here they don't want to see them. So if I want to see my brother and his family we have to drive the 5 hours to Thier house. So it's been several years since we have seen each other. I'm sorry about your friend though and that I just added so much to about me on your wall. I can delete it if you want. Just wanted to let you know I get the wanting to see people more and not being able to. :hug:
Quote from: Three Roses on August 05, 2019, 02:54:54 AM
I've always driven to her house, a 3 hour drive one way. Over the years I've driven it countless times, and yet I can count the times she has come to see me on my 2 hands. :Idunno:
That sounds very familiar. When I brought it up with this friend, a lot of justifying went on but she didn't / couldn't? see my pov at all. I think you suggested I prop up the latest card from her in my fireplace >:D Not that it has to evolve that way between you and your friend.
I'm just glad you can write about it here. No doubt you'll come to some conclusion in your own good time. :hug:
Three Roses it is funny but I have just written and sent a letter to a friend of about 18 months explaining why I thought it wasn't working (very similar dynamics to yours, with traveling etc).
The fear of being lonely held me back for so long. Now, the ball is on her court and I have told her how I am feeling at least I know she knows. I like her so much but I always feel like the backup buddy.
It feels a bit calmer now I have explained a bit. I wrote a letter. I'm glad I did, and not an email. I can't pour over the letter constantly like I would an email. I have to trust I did the best I could when I wrote it and sent it off.
Tee - you didn't write too much :hug: all the detail let's me know you know exactly how I feel and that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm sorry you don't get to see your family very often.
Blueberry - ah ha! If I had a fireplace I could prop up a card from her there... Except she doesn't send cards either and lately the phone calls have dropped off to only when she needs something.
S&B - hmmm maybe I should write something, handwritten that is, and see if it's something to consider sending.
Thanks all. :grouphug:
Hi Three Roses,
I want to also join you in that hug - :hug:
Hope :)
i've had similar situations w/ friends over the years - whether it be visiting, letter writing, or emails, it's all pretty much the same. i was the one extending myself w/ very little 'taking the first step' on their part during the relationship. well, all those relationships are now gone. don't know if that's a goal for you, but just want to say i can relate and it kinda sucks. :thumbdown:
i'm sure you'll get resolution that works for you one way or another. reciprocation in relationships is important, i think. it's what helps each other get fueled up, replace the energy. we need that, too. sending love and a hug filled w/ reciprocation. you deserve it! :hug:
Hope and San :hug:
:hug: it is hard :hug:
It's been a busy few days and can't spend as much time on here as I'd like. Right now I am reading and posting instead of getting up and getting ready for what looks to be another busy day. Will catch up with all you lovely people when things calm down. :grouphug:
:hug:
Hope that it is a kind of good business.
Remember to take breaks and care for yourself.
The busy-ness refers to some "paying it forward" type activities. I have some subtle alarm bells going off internally, not sure what that's about.
Very tired, feeling kinda...idk, fragile? Idk. More later.
I'm pushing myself to be more involved in day to day life. Trying to see if it makes me more willing to sort of re-enter normal social activities. Jury is still out.
:hug: you can do it.
:hug: take care and listen to your instincts
My gut feelings were right, there was a difficult situation coming up - it's happened and been dealt with but I was left feeling raw, triggered, and wounded. I'm coming out of it now.
As an adult, my primary 4F response has been "fawn" which I interpret as codependency. This situation really lit that up! Went back to my book for this, "Codependent No More", and my handwritten journal.
Spent the day yesterday just puttzing (is that a word? :Idunno:) around and doing nothing. H was hard at work and I felt guilty for not being busy with housework. Honestly, he doesn't and can't understand how debilitated I feel on days/weeks like I've recently had.
Found some old journals yesterday and spent some time reading them. Wrote some new stuff in my new handwritten journal. Realized how hard, fast and long I've been running from this pain. Is there help for me now at this late stage, 62 years old? I hope so.
Have an appointment coming up with a psychiatrist, this will be the first time I've seen one. Only therapists and psychologists before. The appointment is to ask about going back on an anti depressant, I've been off of them about 3 months now and idk if I can do this without them. Would have to be a new one, bcuz I had symptoms of seratonin syndrome and that worried me. So, I want to get info from someone other than my pcp, who suggested I go on Welbutrin instead of Prozac.
My depression without meds is too uncomfortable. For the first time ever, I found myself thinking that everyone would be better off without me. I realize intellectually what that is, and that it's not true. It would be nice to have some type of therapy that didn't include meds, something like TMS, EMDR, biofeedback, etc. But I'm not sure if my HMO offers anything like that.
While journaling, I had some insights that weren't really new, but went deeper than my previous understanding about certain situations. How much violence I lived through. Witnessing my F be violent to others, as well as inflicting it on me. Being abused by the sibling, and how M and F allowed that. How sick my FOO was. Only my sibling left and I am completely NC with him.
I am in contact with some cousins, three of them out of eleven on my F's side. I do not know even the names of my 4 cousins on my M's side. I'd like to find them and any other family I may have out there somewhere as I miss being part of an extended family. But, I don't really know how to be connected so I'm not sure if that would even be possible.
I'm feeling discomfort in my abdomen, about 8 on the 1-10 scale. Tears stinging, feel a headache coming on so guess I'll close for now. Man, this crapola is rough. :'(
Sitting with you, if that feels OK, and sending you lots of gentle hugs. :hug: :hug:
:hug: Wish I had more to offer right now. Know you are heard.
:hug: You are heard here, too, Three Roses
Snowdrop, notalone, SharpAndBlunt - thank you. Your support does indeed help. :grouphug:
I'm sorry you having such a rough time 3R it sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction. I'm here for you. :hug:
Thanks, Tee :hug:
Really tired lately. It's difficult to read posts, not because of their content but because it takes so much effort to comprehend what I'm reading. Posting replies is even more difficult. I'm just hoping I haven't :pissed: anyone off by inadvertently saying the wrong thing. I care about all of Us here.
Still I'm hopeful about the future -
:hug: 3R I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I don't think you've upset anyone.
Sending support your way, 3R. I just started my first ever antidepressant prescription and it is really helping. My HMO also doesn't support EMDR or other options you mentioned. So, I understand. I am also a fellow codependent. I don't know if this is available in your area, but I have been attending support groups - not specifically for codependents, but a Buddhist oriented approach which welcomes anyone with issues, whether to do with substances or not. It is helping.
May you find peace and rest. :hug:
Tee, thanks for the reassurance. :hug:
Jdog, thanks for the suggestion. There's an organization called NAMI that has a branch in a city close to me - they have support groups and I'm thinking of going. It's a national organization, if anyone's interested here's a link. https://www.nami.org/find-your-local-nami
You haven't upset me anyway, 3R. I'm tired too. Maybe some :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: on the horizon?
Three Roses, just to say you have definitely not upset me either. I've been :zzz: after starting ssris on Friday, totally zonked and levelling out now. I hope you get some rest.
Thanks Blueberry and SharpAndBlunt for the reassurance. :hug:
I'm tired of feeling tired. At this point I'm really feeling the absence of antidepressants.... But still not sure if I really want to go that route again. I hate waiting for things, so I'm anxious to get this upcoming appointment over & done.
I was reading thru some of my handwritten journals and came across notes about a dream. In the dream I've been assigned to write a two page report but every time I load the paper into the typewriter (haha, yes, a typewriter! Showing my age here ;D ), the pages have all been written on, or I can't write for some other reason. This dream I think reveals to me how much blockage, unwillingness and interference I'm carrying. Ugh. So tired of this crapola. Starting to think that's what the C in CPTSD stands for! :pissed:
Hi Three Roses,
When I think of you, and what C might stand for, in relation to 'you' - 'courageous' comes to mind. I thought that as I read what you wrote. But I realise you're talking about crapola and thinking about the C in CPTSD - so that's something entirely different, but I just wanted to share my thoughts - and also say that I hope your upcoming appointment comes soon, and that you don't have to wait too long.
:hug: to you, if that's ok.
Hope :)
:hug:
i hope your shrink appt. comes soon - it sure sounds like you can use some help.
i've been on and off anti-delps a couple of times, and they really helped, until they didn't anymore. but, thankfully, by that time i was over the hump. i was in my 60's also, so i know that healing can go on at any age, even this late in the game. the work you've been putting in lately makes me think that you're on your way like never before, and for that i give you all credit, sweetie. :yes: i have faith that you'll get to where you need to go sooner rather than later now.
of course your hub doesn't understand - how could he? this stuff is debilitating when the downside hits, and you have every right to take your time, do what you need to do for you (even if it means laying in a hammock reading trashy novels! - just an example) and not having to feel guilty about it. i think that's one of the biggies for us, is not feeling guilty cuz our self care is paramount in importance, and the structure of our lives is independent and unique to each of us. doesn't make it any less than anything else anyone is doing.
i certainly know the feeling of being tired of being tired. so draining, so difficult to get self back on track. i had to chuckle at your interpretation of the letter 'c', and using a typewriter. so many of the classics were written on those. you are one of them, you know. classic. good word, too. :bigwink:
hang tough, 3r. i think you're a formidable force to reckon with, especially when it comes to overcoming. i also get the whole 'should i, shouldn't i' when it comes to meds. personally, with the work you're doing lately, i think they might be helpful to you getting thru some of the tougher spots, especially since you're hitting deeper layers of this crapola. that can be a tough mountain to climb, and a little help might be just the thing to get you through. just my opinion, tho.
sending lots of love and a big hug filled w/ hope and faith. :bighug:
Thanks! :grouphug:
Hope you feel better soon ThreeRoses! It can be really tough with chemical changes to the brain like that (medication change). It should smooth out soon though. Hang in there. Take care! :)
Thanks, Jazzy :hug:
:hug: Three Roses.
Hope :)
Hope :hug:
:hug:
:hug:
3R-
I haven't had as much time to read posts lately, as I am back in teaching mode. But I wanted to send along my best wishes for your healing. Take care, and be safe.
Hope you're bearing up OK. :hug:
Sceal, Tee, Jdog, Snowdrop - :grouphug:
I'm actually doing really well these past few days! Lots of energy, happy mood. Even went to church Sunday and then went out and spent the whole day with a friend yesterday. This is an unusual amount of energy for me. :bigwink:
:cheer: let's hear it for energy! i'm glad you're able to enjoy it. sounds great! love and hugs, 3r. :hug:
That's great to hear! Good job! :)
:cheer: :cheer: :hug:
:cheer: that's great! :grouphug:
As always, thanks to you all for your comments and support. :grouphug:
As my psych appt nears, all my uncomfortable symptoms seem to have disappeared. All my issues are being "well behaved" like kids who know Christmas is approaching and their behavior will be scrutinized. At this point in my life, I have a lot of awareness of not only my issues but also my skill at hiding them from myself.
So today I've gone through this online journal to write a bulleted list of the bigger concerns I have. I know my tendency to freeze up and/or present a Happy Shiny version of myself to health care professionals - well, to everyone really. I can't do that this time, if I really want help.
As far as meds, if I continue to feel as good as I have for the past week or so, I won't need an antidepressant. Maybe going back to journaling daily and reading my self-help books will be enough to maintain me.
I do think I will ask for a blood test, given the info my friend sent me on copper toxicity. Here's a link if anyone's interested - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/holistic-psychiatry/201709/copper-toxicity-common-cause-psychiatric-symptoms. I have a lot of the symptoms listed, and at this point I'll take any help I can get. If I need to go on zinc or something simple to help, I'm totally willing.
I've been inspired by a couple of posts I've read today.
H and I had a little situation earlier today. We had a stressful situation we had to deal with that required a lot of discussion. We both stated our views and desired outcomes and came to a mutually respectful agreement.
It seems like the only time I post here about him is when we're having troubles or conflict. So I'd like to give him equal billing now for his ability to heal and grow along with me.
It can't be easy living with me. And the Universe knows he hasn't always been a dream, either! But, we each recognize that ours is not the only viewpoint and that somewhere in the middle there's a peaceful place where we can each have our needs met. I really do love him, and I feel loved by him. It's possible to have good relationships, even with cptsd. 😊💖
first, good luck w/ the shrink. i know the feeling of having a doc appt., suddenly my symptoms disappear. yeah, we can fool ourselves, for sure.
second, good for you and your hub. it's wonderful to see how you two are working on things. inspiring, actually. love and hugs, sweetie.
That's great Three Roses, good for you for giving him praise as well. :)
Hi-
I also want to congratulate you and your H for working out a solution to what sounds to have been a tricky problem between you. Yes, even with cptsd we can function in relationships. BTW my intimate partner has even more issues than I do and we still make it work.
Good job! :cheer:
Thanks for sharing about H. It encourages me.
:hug: :cheer:
Quote from: Jazzy on August 30, 2019, 11:01:52 PM
That's great Three Roses, good for you for giving him praise as well. :)
:yeahthat: :hug:
:hug: to you Three Roses.
Hope :)
Quote from: Three Roses on August 30, 2019, 10:19:39 PMIt's possible to have good relationships, even with cptsd. 😊💖
That's great, Three Roses, thanks for sharing :) :hug:
San, Jazzy, Jdog, notalone, Tee, Blueberry, Hope, SharpAndBlunt - :grouphug:
🥀🥀🥀
OH boy! Tomorrow is my appointment, first time ever seeing a psychiatrist. The nerves are coming out! I have my notes written out, and stashed in my wallet - my list of questions - I know I'll freeze up and not remember what I want to say and ask without them, so now all I have to do is remember to take them out of my wallet! Fingers crossed! 🤞
Fingers crossed with you! An exciting step toward more healing!! :grouphug:
All the best Three Roses, I hope it goes well.
One thing you can do, is to set a reminder on your phone to go off 5 minutes before your appointment starts. Have it remind you to take out your notes, then just hold them in your hand until you're talking to the psychiatrist. I've had to do this a few times when there was something especially important I had to bring up.
:hug: good luck I'll be thinking of you. :hug:
Hoping you'll be able to build on so much of what you've already accomplished in your journeys. :hug:
Jdog, Tee, Woodsgnome - thanks! :grouphug:
Jazzy, good idea! Thanks :grouphug:
Good luck! I'm sure it will go well. :hug:
:hug: Three Roses!
:hug: to you Three Roses, I'm thinking of you today and hope it goes well. :hug:
Hope :)
thinking of you - hope it goes well and you feel satisfied. sending love and a hug full of just what you've been looking for! :hug:
Went well, liked her, she is trauma informed, got lots of info. Going to "wait and see" if I really want or need antidepressants again, will talk to her again in about 4 weeks. If I do get on antidepressants again it will be something different.
But - have been tired and withdrawn after seeing her. Feeling quiet. It's natural so I'm just riding it out. Love to you all.
and love back to you.
i like her 'wait and see' approach. i like that she's not pushing you onto meds right away.
i think tired and withdrawn is a pretty natural response. you deserve some rest, and applause :applause: for sticking with this. well done, you! :thumbup:
love and a hug filled with peace, in mind and body. :hug:
Love you back, glad it well. :hug:
Glad your appointment went well.
Good deal per visit #1. :thumbup:
It's not surprising to feel the presence of fatigue setting in afterwards; at least per my own experiences post-therapy sessions. It's a natural response, I think, to venturing into greater depth in some rather sensitive areas.
Perhaps this also results just from deciding to go deeper in the first place. When I was trekking around various T's I felt were disinterested, I unconsciously seemed to followed their lead, and began to lower my intensity as there seemed little support for my issues; just getting to the end of the allotted time period was their seeming preference.
This changed with my current T. While it's been up-and-down, our relationship is more in tune with a sort of 'relaxed' intensity that seems to stimulate thoughts which in turn seem to tire me out after almost every session -- whether I view the session in an overall positive, negative, or neutral light.
Bottom line, take good care of yourself. It seems like you are doing that, in your own way, and I hope you can continue the trend.
:hug:
Sounds great Three Roses; wishing you all the best! :)
Not feeling like myself the past few days. Maybe I've over extended myself. It started raining here, where I live, and will probably now continue to rain through spring. With the darkened skies come darker moods and I'm wondering if I'll be able to stay off antidepressants.
I can see an area that needs attention - I'm not speaking up and saying what I want and need. I'm putting myself last and thinking I owe something to people.
Putting myself at about a 6 on a scale of 1-10 for being depressed, not bad but not good either.
:hug: take care of yourself 3R. :hug:
Three Roses, good that you've noticed that you are putting yourself last. I wonder if you have been aware of this on some level already and it's contributing to your feelings of depression. Just a thought.
I get what you say about dark skies also. It's heading towards autumn here and the shorter days make a difference.
Sending a :hug: to you.
:hug:
:hug: to you, Three Roses.
Hope :)
:hug:
Been very tired lately. Not able to be very active here but I hope you're all doing well.
:bighug:
:hug: i hope some rest sets you right up, my dear 3r. sending love! :wave:
The best of rest and hope be yours. And thanks -- for all that you are, your caring, insights, and sharing of wisdom. :hug:
I hope you're able to get some rest. :hug:
S&B, San, Woodsgnome, Snowdrop :grouphug:
Getting caught up on rest! Feeling better. I really need to eat better as I think that's a huge part of the problem. My m used to give me brown sugar sandwiches (white bread, butter, brown sugar - Eek) as a snack growing up. From her I developed a strong sugar addiction. So I know I need to improve my eating habits but I can never find the motivation. Same with exercise. I know I would feel better! Why can't I start?! :pissed: :pissed:
i was raised on sugar, too. i think there's a lot of connection between sugar and comfort and what we thought of as love when we were kids. i know that when my d was young and my mother babysat, i'd tell her no sugar (i was doing things differently w/ my girls), but she always went behind my back, snuck candy to my d while i was away. :pissed: i think she liked seeing the smile that the sweet treat brought. my d ended up hoarding candy in her room so i wouldn't find it when she got older.
those comfort connections are some of the most difficult to break, i think. i still struggle w/ sugar, altho it's better lately. still, if i go on a binge, i'll eat it till my head hurts. how's that for self-punishment?! maybe that's what it's all about - hurting ourselves, continuing to punish ourselves for our imperfections, failures, whatever. :fallingbricks: tough one, for sure.
best to you with doing things differently for yourself, 3r. sending love and a hug filled w/ motivation! :hug:
Yup, I've considered that before, the self-punishment aspect. I know it's bad for me but I do it anyway. :Idunno:
Quote from: woodsgnome on September 16, 2019, 03:44:59 PM
The best of rest and hope be yours. And thanks -- for all that you are, your caring, insights, and sharing of wisdom. :hug:
:yeahthat: :bighug:
:hug: to you Three Roses.
Hope :)
Hey Three Roses. I hear you with the sugar too. My mom's thing was wonder bread with oleo, white sugar and cinnamon. Geesh. I had totally forgotten about that. I have hope that I'm going to find the inspiration to eat well, to sleep well and exercise soon! I'm really getting how much it affects my body and my sense of well-being. Awareness is the first step to change I'm told. I'm still in the wanting to want to phase, but I'm getting closer. Little shifts will go a long way on this one I think. Start small and keep at it, right?
MB
Quote from: Three Roses on September 18, 2019, 02:07:45 AM
My m used to give me brown sugar sandwiches (white bread, butter, brown sugar - Eek) as a snack growing up. From her I developed a strong sugar addiction.
Wow, my mom too, except it was white sugar. I also have a sugar addiction.
I have a sugar addiction too, with me it's sweets I just can't seem to stop eating. I hope you're well, Three Roses :hug:
Blueberry, Hope67, MoonBeam, notalone, SharpAndBlunt :grouphug:
🥀🥀🥀
I visited a friend over the weekend. I was wondering if we were going to be able to salvage our decades - long friendship.
We talked all weekend, discovering many false assumptions on both our parts. I'm happy to say that everything has been resolved. I see more clearly her situations and see that she honestly cares about me and our friendship; and I also see now how many challenges she faces.
We had a nice dinner and then went to a pub to hear live music. I really let my hair down! I danced and laughed and interacted with others who were there, strangers to me - and had no trouble with the fact I was "visible" (if that makes sense).
Then, the next day, the shame hit. Today, three days later, it's clearing but I can still feel it, still fighting it.
My affirmation today is - I give myself permission to acknowledge I can have fun! I can act in ways that cause others to notice me, and still be safe. I'm worthy of having a good time! I'm worthy of being who I am and being myself. I refuse to accept the shame.
Hi Three Roses,
This is so nice to read that you had such a good weekend with your friend, and that you danced and laughed and enjoyed all those interactions and had fun. :cheer: for that.
I am sorry that you're experiencing shame afterwards though, and I'm glad that is clearing.
I want to second your affirmation that you can have fun, if you want to, and that if others notice you, you're still safe. You ARE worthy of having a good time, and you deserve it, in my opinion. You are worthy of being who you are (and I think you're a wonderful person), and I am glad you're refusing to accept the shame, as it has no claim on you. Shaking off that shame, sounds like a great dance to me! Honestly, Three Roses, your friend is lucky to have decades-long friendship with you, and I am so glad that you were able to salvage your friendship, that is precious. :hug: to you, if that's ok.
Hope :)
Quote from: Three Roses on September 25, 2019, 04:25:19 PM
We had a nice dinner and then went to a pub to hear live music. I really let my hair down! I danced and laughed and interacted with others who were there, strangers to me - and had no trouble with the fact I was "visible" (if that makes sense).
Yes, that does make sense. Glad you were able to have a good time. Sorry the shame hit you. I wish I could stamp it out for you. You are worthy to have a good time and there is nothing wrong with being noticed.
Hope, notalone - your responses made the tears flow. Thanks! :grouphug: ❤️
That sounds great Three Roses, I'm really glad you were able to get the most out of that moment. Take care! :)
Hi Three Roses, so happy you were able to have a boogie and let your hair down! You are worth it and totally deserving of a happy and safe time :)
I'm glad you were able to have such a good interaction with your friend too. That's encouraging for me ;D
Sorry to hear about the shame attack, maybe that will be a thing that fades and reduces over time :thumbup:
3r, i love your affirmation! it's so very true. sorry you were hit w/ shame, but i give you so much credit for laughing, having fun, and being 'seen' (i do know what you mean). the fact that you did all that good stuff allows me to believe that you'll be able to do it again and again, and the shame will wither as you keep showing it that you have the power and you're taking it away from everything that caused the shame in the first place. a warrior indeed! :cheer:
taking back our power, it's so important, and little by little, we're frickin' doing it! :applause: that's for us, all of us.
love you, 3r, and here's a hug filled w/ 'shame away' spray! :hug:
:hug: to you Three Roses.
Hope :)
It's been a while since I wrote here. July 2nd marked the absence of Prozac in my system for the first time in over thirty years. Days swing between smooth and rough but at least I can say that whatever I'm feeling, it's me and it's honest.
Today was rough. I wanted to use dysfunctional habits to cope but didn't. Dr E said that I can be prescribed other meds, antidepressants and/or anxiety meds. I almost called today to ask for the clonazepam she recommended. I still may, will see what tomorrow brings.
hey, 3r - that's quite an accomplishment. i've got about 20 yrs. of clonazepam or alprazolam (xanax) under my belt. mostly for sleep, but also for anxiety. i found xanax better for anxiety - it's like the clonazepam calms my brain, but the other calms my mind.
congrats to you for not going back to neg. habits. i know how tough that can be, but i give you a lot of credit. hope tomorrow's better for you. wishing you all the best w/ this stuff, always. sending love and a hug filled w/ calm and stability. :bighug:
Hi Three Roses,
That's really great that you're free of your meds, and that you're feeling yourself - and that it's honest. I also hope that tomorrow is better for you - and I would also like to send you much love and a hug :hug:
Hope :)
Quote from: Three Roses on October 23, 2019, 12:13:14 AM
Today was rough. I wanted to use dysfunctional habits to cope but didn't.
:cheer: That is a victory.
:yeahthat:
Way to go 3R! :applause: :hug:
Thanks, everyone. Don't have the energy to thank each of you individually this morning.
Anxiety today (so far) and yesterday is off the charts. I'll be contacting Dr E today to see about that klonopin. Wanted to do this without meds but I'm tired of struggling - and it's only been 3 months. :(
I'm sorry to hear that 3r, having strong anxiety is really crippling, I hope the meds work for you.
:hug:
Wb
Sorry to hear that your anxiety is so high. I know that feels horrible. I know you didn't want to take meds, but if that is a tool that will be helpful right now. . . .do what is best for you.
Going off medications can be really rough. Maybe it's worth calling her for that other medication.
:hug: TR, if anxiety is that high and it may be helped by something else, that is self care and absolutely not a failure in any way imo. A hug and support to you.
Thanks, everyone. :grouphug:
I really am reluctant to try another antidepressant. She is recommending Welbutrin, generic name bupropion. The list of side effects scares me! The anti anxiety medication (Klonopin, generic name clonazepam) she is recommending has addictive qualities so I'm also a bit scared of that. I have a weakness in that area. But I'm tired of struggling.
"If wishes were horses, beggars would ride" to quote an old saying - but I do wish I could motivate myself to exercise because I hear that's a great antidepressant...of course doctors make no money from that so she's unlikely to recommend it. And my eating habits are horrible. I jokingly refer to myself as a carbivore. So a proper diet with regular exercise would be helpful, I think, but I don't feel that I have the ability to maintain the focus needed. Maybe if I do all 4 - antidepressant, anti-anxiety, exercise, proper diet - I will feel better.
I also realize that, being depressed, we have a gloomier outlook. So maybe the buproprion would help give me motivation to make those healthy changes.
I can understand your reluctance with this. Sometimes I wish I could get off my medications too, but they do help me.
If its worth anything, buproprion is one of the things I take, and I've had pretty good results with it. Apparently, it helps one quit smoking as well, so I was happy to take advantage of that. Its not a magic cure-all by any means, but it does help keep the worst of it at bay.
Proper diet, exercise, social activities, all that stuff goes along with the anti-depressants. Your doctor probably will recommend that stuff too, especially if you bring it up. My psychiatrist does, every single time I see him.
Anyway, all the best with it. Take care! :)
I now have a prescription for clonidine, and it is helping. The more I think about it, the more I believe I will go ahead with the buproprion she's recommending. I have a follow up phone appointment on December 10 so I'll ask her then. At least I think I will, heh heh. Still very unsure about it given the adverse effects I had with fluoxetine. Of course that was after 30 years of it.
i give you so much credit, 3r, for your willingness to try these meds out, find out which are going to work for you, and which aren't. i know this was a tough decision to make, but you are doing it. :thumbup:
it's wonderful to watch you progressing as you continue to heal. as they used to say, you've come a long way, baby! :applause:
love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
I'm glad to hear its helping. From my research, fluoxetine and buproprion are in different families, they work on different chemicals in the brain... so I would expect your reaction to be different too. All the best with it, whatever you decide. Take care! :)
San, your support is one of the things that keeps me going. Thank you. ❤️
Jazzy, yes, buproprion is classified as an NDRI or norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitor. However it "can" cause serotonin syndrome, which I was showing symptoms of. (Bad grammar, I know, but I'm too tired to correct it.)
Here's a link to some info if anyone's interested - https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/serotonin-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20354758
I had a bunch of symptoms of serotonin syndrome which got worse when I upped my dosage (under doctor's orders) and which disappeared when I ceased taking Prozac/fluoxetine. Some were quite serious. At one point I was concerned for my sanity, until I unearthed serotonin syndrome and connected the dots. This I did without the aid of doctor or therapist. So I'm concerned about future side effects. But, I'm also tired of struggling to keep my head above water.
I'm interested in TMS, but this would mean I would have to undergo treatments every day for a week or so, out of town. EMDR is not indicated for me, as traumas began when I was pre-verbal and there were a lot, up to a few years ago. Too much for EMDR to cover according to my Dr.
There are a few other treatments I'm interested in but living out in the boonies puts them out of my reach. In the meantime I'll keep on keeping on. 😉
hey, sweetie,
just a thought. altho you had problems w/ seratonin syndrome from prozac, maybe, because this new med works differently in the brain, it won't do the same thing for you in that matter. also, because you've had experience w/ the ss, you'll more readily be able to see the symptoms, and you can get off the wellbutrin before it becomes a problem just looking for options here. your warrior spirit is showing right now.
i totally get that idea of not wanting to keep struggling just to keep your head above water. also the fear for your sanity. the first is so wearing, and the second is one of the things that terrifies me, that i can feel the fear towards. 2 major, heavy duty issues to deal with. i'm all for doing what you can to ease them. i hope this new med works for you.
as you know, emdr is close to my heart. my trauma also began pre-verbally. i'm going to be seeing an emdr t in a few weeks, she'll be working w/ me on that early stuff as well as this other crapola i keep running into. it's also what i was using on my own (a form of emdr called brainspotting) for my rescripting, and i'd only gotten to 18 mos. so all of it was pre-verbal. the way i did it worked really well, even tho the aftermath was quite messy for about a week. still, i'm glad i did it, and i believe it helped w/ some aspects of my unhealthy belief system and distorted perspective, especially about me as a person. it'll be interesting to see what happens when i have a pro guiding me thru it.
i do hope you find something that helps. :thumbup: as always, whichever way you choose, i support you totally. you certainly deserve some peace. sending love and a hug filled w/ angel wings and ems to help lift you. :bighug:
:grouphug:
Everyone, every single one of you, who have replied on this thread - you're beautiful humans. The love I feel for you as a community and as individuals is truly heartfelt. Together we bravely face a world that doesn't understand - but we do.
3R, keep on keeping on! :hug:
fwiw my T ruled out ordinary EMDR out for me, attempted brainspotting with no result, and then moved to other methods. Some of the results people mention for EMDR I've had as well through these other methods. Maybe the results are simply part of healing from cptsd irrespective of method? :Idunno:
My T didn't say he was ruling EMDR out because of pre-verbal trauma but because he was worried about it bringing up too much, too fast.
Quote from: Three Roses on November 09, 2019, 06:49:26 PM
:grouphug:
Everyone, every single one of you, who have replied on this thread - you're beautiful humans. The love I feel for you as a community and as individuals is truly heartfelt. Together we bravely face a world that doesn't understand - but we do.
That's wonderful, thank you! I hope you find some relief; able to keep your head above water. Take care! :)
:hug:
Today I'm feeling okay. The clonidine seems to be helping with depressing thoughts as well as my anxiety.
Yesterday I had a huge shame attack over a mistake I made, which resulted in me wasting food which had to be thrown away. I woke up still feeling shame and fear. It took a lot of positive self-talk but I'm feeling much better now.
Well done on the positive self-talk. I'm glad you're feeling better. :hug:
Glad that you're feeling better now! Its okay, everyone makes mistakes... even with food! I hope that you can forgive yourself. Take care! :)
:yeahthat: funny thing - we're all human! love you because of that. :hug:
Depressed. Withdrawn. Feeling like people are angry with me. I'm supposed to be leaving tomorrow to visit a friend and then have dinner with my son and his gf.... I hope I feel better soon. Maybe I'll try using the 13 steps for dealing with an EF that Pete Walker talks about.
Could use suggestions from you all.
not angry w/ you, 3r, never have a reason to be. take it easy on yourself, please.
sorry i can't write more - i'm in shutdown mode, due to stress, but sending you much love and a giant ems hug :bighug:
Sending you hugs :bighug:
You've been a great support to me this week. I appreciate you.
I hope you can work through this.
It seems you've been riding some strong waves lately. Still that's got nothing to do with the strength of your character or an indication that you're doing anything short of your best.
I also tend to fall into these worry cycles. Cycling out can seem far-fetched, and it doesn't help that we tend to build worst-case scenarios in our minds. Probably the most important trait is just always to go easy on oneself. Easy, in this instance, isn't always comfortable or the way we thought things would go.
Doing your best may not be recognized by some, but it's also not that scary when it comes from the heart. And you've been showing huge heart (and more) in all that you've shared here. Even those depths, to which we all can crash, don't contradict the goodness that you carry, and show so often here.
:hug:
San, Snookie, woodsgnome... :hug: :hug: :hug: Thanks for your uplifting words!
I am feeling better this morning. Got a lovely phone call from a friend of mine last night, have known her over 40 years. It was good to talk to her, she's usually got such a chaotic schedule it's hard for her to do long phone calls like that. We shared a few laughs.
Seems like that, coupled with a good night's sleep, had lifted that ugly gray sticky fog of depression, and then I read your lovely replies here and that's helped further! Thank you ❤️
I'll be leaving this afternoon for a few days away with another friend who also struggles with cptsd. We both have such dark, quirky, weird senses of humor that we're bound to raise a few eyebrows! In my present mood I'm embracing that and even looking forward to it. I need it badly.
I'm glad you're feeling better. I hope you have a nice time away. :hug:
Hope your time with your friend is renewing.
Glad you feel better. A good sleep can work miracles. :)
I'm also glad to hear you're feeling a bit better and looking forward to your trip! What a difference a day can make sometimes. :hug:
Have a great trip! :wave: :hug:
What a great time I had! We laughed so hard. I lost out on some sleep and I'm tired but it was a well needed and rejuvenating trip.
I'm seeing how wide spread the cptsd beast really is! It's so prevalent! I see it in so many people who just don't have any awareness of it. Much healing is needed in so many people and families, mine included.
Oh I'm glad you had such a good time. :cheer:
I'm glad it was rejuvenating and full of :)) :)) :))
Here's a bundle of hopes -- :cheer: :thumbup: :thumbup: :cheer: -- that the good vibes you came back with build a new way of being for you now and down the road.
Glad you had a good time with a lot of laughter. :wave:
Quote from: Three Roses on November 16, 2019, 06:51:08 PM
What a great time I had! We laughed so hard. I lost out on some sleep and I'm tired but it was a well needed and rejuvenating trip.
I'm seeing how wide spread the cptsd beast really is! It's so prevalent! I see it in so many people who just don't have any awareness of it. Much healing is needed in so many people and families, mine included.
This is wholesome. :) So very glad to hear it!
really happy to hear you had such a good time! :cheer:
And now I'm back in the center of chaos. Deep in an EF. It's 3:40 and I've been awake for almost two hours.
I feel in danger tho I know I'm not. I feel crazy. I feel sick.
I'm tired and thinking about going on the bupropion that Dr E is recommending.
Sending you hugs and support, Three Roses. You're safe. You're safe. :hug:
Sorry to hear you're having such a major EF. They are really difficult to deal with. I hope you'll be able to get some peace from it. And maybe try out that thing that was recommended.
Hey Three Roses,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing such a deep EF. Sending you love and peace. I hope the EF passes soon and that you can get some sleep.
You're in my thoughts :hug:
Standing with you 3R! :yes:
Snowdrop - when I read your reply, tears sprang to my eyes! Thank you, thank you. I am safe.
Sceal - thanks for your support! Bupropion is an antidepressant, and I really don't want it but I'm afraid I need it.
Blueberry - your support means a lot!
🥀🥀🥀
I just did a guided meditation by Richard Schwartz taking on Wisdom 2.0 on YouTube. (Here's the link - https://youtu.be/LuJLv98ks-I)
I've been watching Dr Schwartz speaking about the Internal Family System approach. I started with this YouTube - https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M
So I was kind of prepared to hear what he was going to say and where the guided meditation was going to take me. I've known for a while now that I have inner parts, although I don't believe or think I have DID. During the guided meditation, the part that came up was a little girl. I think she is about 5 years old. She was sitting at a round wooden table, low to the ground and a light tan color. She seemed to be drawing a picture.
I asked her what her burden is and she answered that she is always looking for upset people around us. She tries to placate them and make them happy so that we are safe from their anger. I asked her if she was to give up this role, what would she like to do instead? She answered that she would rather play, and color, and do the things other kids do. I asked her how she felt and she answered that she is afraid. I asked her how old she thought I was and she said 90, and that made me laugh. I told her I'm 63 and she didn't seem to see the distinction, but that was okay.
There was more but I'll close here. Wow! This was my first foray into IFS and it was awesome!
Wow! Well done you! :applause: Reading about the little girl part made me smile.
QuoteThis was my first foray into IFS and it was awesome!
Yes! I find IFS work absolutely fascinating and all kinds of awesome. :cheer:
It really is! I was looking thru some old handwritten journals for an entry I remembered and wanted to add to my journal here, and found an entry in August 2016 listing IFS as one of the therapies I was interested in! I made a call today to my hmo to see if any of their therapists are trained in IFS but the person didn't know (so I'm guessing there's not).
Back in 2016 I was doing exercises in a recovery book. Here's what I wrote -
QuoteI am supposed to "express your emotions honestly..." but I couldn't name one. So I switched to thinking about it differently, asking how someone who'd been through my background would feel. Lots of words came - robbed, embattled, insecure, untrusting, angry, afraid, lost, expendable, etc. Then the final word - desolate. It hit me in the gut. I looked up the word - "desolate: deserted of people, in a state of bleak and dismal emptiness; ruined, vacant, wild." I have this strange feeling right now, like everyone inside me (?) has gone into an inner room and locked the door. "We're not talking about feelings," they say. The room I'm standing in is dreary - one dim, uncovered light bulb hangs on a chain, trying to light the room. The corners of the room are lost in the darkness. There is a bare table and one chair."
Wow! I'm astounded. Back in '16 I was sensing parts!
I'm utterly astounded, excited, hopeful. This could be the therapy I really need.
so glad for your excitement, 3r. wish i could say more, but sending love and a hug filled with parts. :hug:
Found this online today. It's awesome. :yes:
🥀🥀🥀
When it comes to the lasting consequences of complex trauma, having emotions (especially anger), or even having needs at all, can too often feel forbidden. Even after a survivor becomes secure and confident in knowing that their feelings are valid, they're allowed to feel exactly as they do, and don't need to bend or mold themselves to appease another, it can still be terrifying. Breaking those learned relationship patterns, acting differently than your bones and mind are screaming at you to do, and trusting that you can handle whatever the reaction may be -- can be really hard to do.
.
So, today we really wanted to encourage you to no longer apologize for your feelings - not for your anger, not for your hurt, your pain, or your happiness. Your feelings and reactions to others are allowed, warranted and healthy - no matter how uncomfortable or foreign they may feel in your chest. And, if someone hurts you but doesn't respect you enough to notice or apologize for that pain they've caused? The last thing they deserve is an apology from YOU for being hurt. More anger, disappointment or even disgust would all completely justified.
.
So, to the over-apologizers, the people-pleasers, the false responsibility-takers, and those who are so afraid to rock the boat they get off instead: Respecting and honoring YOURSELF is number one. You are allowed to have feelings, even ones that feel bad or ugly, and to make them known. By passively accepting complete someone's lack of remorse, it sends the message that it's okay for them to do it again. And that you'll just do all the apologizing. You don't deserve that. You never did. You have done nothing wrong in feeling hurt. THEY did. No more tolerating those who refuse to take responsibility for their actions or the pain they cause you. No more.
.
💜💚💛
I'm really glad you're getting on so well with it. It does sound like it's a good fit for you, particularly hearing what you said in 2016.
I've seen various IFS guided meditations on YouTube. The latest session Richard Schwartz had with AVAIYA included a link to a freebie on meeting an inner critic. I've not tried it yet, but here's the link: https://courses.selfleadership.org/sq/ifs_innercriticmeditation_email_avaiya-85315 (https://courses.selfleadership.org/sq/ifs_innercriticmeditation_email_avaiya-85315).
There's also an audiobook by Richard Schwartz called "Greater than the sum of our parts". According to the reviews, it includes a lot of guided meditations. The prices for it vary a lot. It's on audible, so you might be able to get it as part of a free trial. I picked it up this week with some iTunes vouchers, but I've not had a chance to listen to it yet.
One thing I've found helpful is using IFS to deal with EFs or overwhelming emotions. You can ask the part that's having those emotions to step back and not overwhelm you, you can pay attention to the part without it needing to do this.
:hug:
Thanks for the info! :hug: I get to buy this book today.
I have mixed feelings about working in it alone. It seems that my hmo does not have a therapist in this area who is trained in IFS. I worked in a book before without a therapist to guide me, uncovered some buried memories, and retraumatized myself. But I'll talk to my protector parts (now I know that they're there) and get their permission to begin. Other parts are happy and even excited to begin.
:thumbup:
Just a thought, but is there perhaps an IFS therapist who offers online appointments? I don't know how that idea feels to you.
Three Roses, this IFS sounds very inspiring. Excited for you :hug:
SharpAndBlunt - Thanks!
Snowdrop - interesting - I can look but my hmo co-pay for therapy sessions is very low so idk if I can find one that is as affordable. :Idunno:
Book will be here tomorrow. :cheer:
:cheer:
3r, i think this is a perfect example of why it's important for us not to give up. i read that excerpt, and i know that many of us here have said basically the same thing at one time or another. the idea that this time, in this way, from this source is the one that broke thru your previous defenses, thoughts, perspectives, and perceptions of what we are allowed and what we deserve is so powerful to my mind . . . we really don't know what's around the next corner, don't know how or why or when something will click in for us. i know, that even tho i've espoused those very same ideas, reading them here cemented them into my brain in a different way.
thank you so much for sharing this. it was exactly what i needed to hear today. :yourock:
much love to you. i also think it's wonderful :thumbup: that you can now ask your protector parts to help you get thru this. we are also here to support you if the going gets rough at times. you courageous thing, you. :yes: sending hugs filled w/ strength and determination :hug: :hug:
Thanks, you guys! :grouphug:
Although I'm excited about this book coming today, I've just made a call to my hmo requesting the new med (Welbutrin/buproprion) that was recommended by Dr E - I'm tired of struggling.
Now that I've hung up I'm having huge second thoughts!
But I'm so tired of struggling to stay happy and well....
So many mixed feelings. Sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
your courage is showing, as well as concern for your own well-being. just a thought - is it possible that you haven't had a lot of practice yet with deciding what's best for you, with looking after your own best interests, so such a move would feel very uncomfortable? or something like that? ??? i don't know - it just popped into my head.
i've had similar experiences when i've done or said something i'm not used to, that i can feel in my gut is a good thing for me, but begin doubting my decision as soon as i've made it. in the end, they've turned out pos., but concern, regret, doubt, fear :stars: all have come into play before i reach the point where i'm ultimately glad i did/said what i did.
if, in fact, this is not a good move for you, you're still free to not take the meds. i support you whichever way you go, always. love and a hug filled w/ what's best for you. :hug:
:hug:
I have a couple of thoughts, which you can ignore if they're not helpful. Is it that one part wants the new med because it's tired of struggling, but another part is critical of that? Is the sinking feeling in your stomach related to one of these parts?
San - it is possible I don't have a lot of experience. I used to think I did, back before I left h for a year. I'd worked for years on my recovery from codependency but ultimately I gave up on h, seeing him as very sick & manipulative, and left my marriage in a very dysfunctional way. I was retraumatized before, during, and after. My depression has been difficult, my shame has felt crippling. I would like more therapy. But perhaps in a different style. Maybe I was kidding myself back when we were raising our kids, thinking I was on top of my issues. I used my h's troubles and our relationship difficulties as a mask for confronting all the chaos and violence done to me. I'm worried I'll have another reaction to this medication, the way I did with Prozac and serotonin-syndrome. But I can stay vigilant. I know what to look for now. I'll probably begin taking it, it's sitting at the pharmacy. :thumbup: Thanks for your insights! :yes:
Snowdrop - it feels like a protector part that's telling me I don't need a pill, but I'm not sure. It def could be an exile. My book arrived just now while I was typing so hopefully I'll find out soon. Thanks, your question was insightful! :yes:
sweetie, i get it. been there, done that. as much as i've worked on all this over the years, i still ran into the mr. and thought i could deal w/ him and his issues. i gave it a mighty try, for sure, but, yeah. i've kidded myself, masked things, just kept working thru stuff evenly when thoroughly confused, :stars: not even realizing that was part of my problem. and, i've also had bad experiences w/ anti-deps, so i get that, too.
sending love and a hug full of hope that this helps :hug:
:grouphug:
So, I've had my first visceral reaction to reading this book. The author, Richard Schwartz, is talking about parts living in the past and frozen in their roles, "just as many acting-out children are trapped in their roles." I've known for a while now that one of my parts is a young girl who placates others, to keep them from becoming upset and, in her view, ultimately out of control and violent. In her view, this is inevitable, unavoidable. If anyone is upset, they will gather steam, ramping themselves up to the point of lashing out violently, physically and verbally. When I thought of this part as I was reading this passage in RS's book, I could feel her in my gut, centered in what felt like the very center of my abdomen just behind my navel. I let the sensation spread without attempting to stifle it, and without tensing. It spread in a warm, comforting way, like immersing oneself in a warm ocean, pleasant and enjoyable. Quite the opposite of how I would think it would feel! It was completely unnecessary to tense and/or stifle it.
Wow! That's excellent awareness. I'm really excited for you reading this book. :cheer:
If I may make a suggestion, it's worth watching the session Richard Schwartz recently did on anxiety and depression while it's still available. There's a link here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12850.msg94860#msg94860 (https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12850.msg94860#msg94860)
Thanks, I'll try.
quite the sensation, especially since it was far from what you expected. well done, you! :thumbup:
if i may suggest, let yourself be with this realization and feeling for a day or two before going back to reading. it's just a thought, that it might be pos. to give your brain a little time to adjust and process, give your amygdala time to rearrange itself according to this new information, and give your mind time to enjoy the fact that everything isn't the way it used to be. don't know if that makes sense, and if it doesn't, just ignore it.
i'm so very happy for you, 3r, i can feel a wave of relief roll thru my gut. :yes: sending love and a hug filled w/ more healing. :hug:
Hi Three Roses,
Just wanted to pop by and send you a hug, as I've missed you :hug: - I've been on a break in November, and now it's December, and I'm here again. I am excited to see you've got the IFS book - I've just received my copy in the post today! I hope you're finding the book helpful - I am keen to read mine, but I am apprehensive at the same time. I am not sure that my parts trust Richard Schwartz yet - even though I thought he seemed quite nice when I've heard him talk on u-tube and other places. I hope that you find it useful. Sending you a hug - and wishing you the best.
Hope :)
Hello again, beautiful forum people and fellow survivors.
:heythere:
Lots has happened ... tried welbutrin and had a very, very nasty reaction to it. Also reacted badly to clonidine. Wound up in urgent care a few times.
Am back on a different ssri now, zoloft. It's working well and I'm feeling much better.
We had a relatively quiet holiday season. Had to be very assertive with my sil who wanted to force herself into a visit here for a few days right in the middle of all that. I had texted her we weren't going to celebrate Thanksgiving this year because there was too much stress. So she, instead of responding to my text, decided to call my husband (her brother) and insinuate herself in through the back door so to speak, and he was going to let her come! Even after we had discussed it. So I stood in front of him while he was talking to her, waving my arms and mouthing 'no no no'. Also had to put my foot down about some other plans h had to help a friend which would have resulted in some very intense increase in tension and stress for me. During this time, my b/p was very high, reaching 183/115, and I was also dealing with an abscessed tooth which ultimately resulted in an extraction.
So, I've regained my voice. I have refreshed my memory that I am a fighter. That I can speak up for myself and insist on managing my surroundings and interactions so that I'm taking care of myself to the best of my ability.
Although we had no one here for Thanksgiving, we had a lively time at Christmas. Everything was settled with health and stress so we had a house full of people for a week or so (including sil).
Have an appointment coming up Jan 13 to start therapy again with a new therapist. Going to ask about Internal Family Systems approach. In the meantime I'll start reading my book again which I stopped while dealing with the above.
Good to hear from you, dear one. :hug:
:hug: Welcome back, fighter/survivor/explorer, intrepid recoveree (yes, I just coined that word).
Your voice was always treasured, and thus missed. Then again, it's easy to understand how taking breaks from this sort of activity is also beneficial, even for the best of souls (looking your way).
Welcome back Three Roses, I have missed your voice here :hug:
Good to hear from you Three Roses. I have thought of you often. I'm sorry to hear that you went through such a difficult time and glad to hear that you are doing better. Missed you.
so glad you're doing better, 3r. especially glad the new meds are helping. living better thru chemistry! i know it well!
love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
Hi Three Roses,
So good to hear from you again, I've missed you.
Hugs to you :hug:
Hope :)
Three Roses, so glad you are feeling better. Good for you, for standing up for yourself and putting your foot down. That to me shows great strength.
Hope all goes well with the new T. So glad that you found the right med, and so glad you are ok after your experience with the others.
:hug:
Thank you, everyone! ❤️😊
Three Roses, I'm really glad that you're back and doing better.
Quote from: Three Roses on January 04, 2020, 06:02:45 PMSo, I've regained my voice. I have refreshed my memory that I am a fighter. That I can speak up for myself and insist on managing my surroundings and interactions so that I'm taking care of myself to the best of my ability.
:applause: :applause: :applause:
This is such a huge achievement! It's so encouraging. Thank you for sharing :hug:
You're very welcome :hug:
It's lovely to see you back on the forum :grouphug:
Quote from: Three Roses on January 04, 2020, 06:02:45 PM
So, I've regained my voice. I have refreshed my memory that I am a fighter. That I can speak up for myself and insist on managing my surroundings and interactions so that I'm taking care of myself to the best of my ability.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
I'm so glad you finally got meds that are helping and that you have found a new T!
Welcome back
So glad you got on top of the medication issues, it's great your back
Wb
Thanks! I'm going back and forth on the therapy thing, got very mixed and mixed up feelings about it! Part of me doesn't see the point - I don't need anyone to tell me how to think, this is an injury that was done to me by repeated traumatizions. So unless they're going to fix the injuries it feels pointless. But another part of me realizes they may have new info, a support group, something, anything that will help.
hey, 3r,
since you're in the therapy thing, i do hope you'll find it helpful. that's exactly why i'm w/ an emdr therapist - looking for the healing of the wounds. i've already talked this stuff to death, it seems, but i've already gotten some different perspectives that i can use. i mentioned that i feel sorry for that little girl i was, but don't want to be a victim or sit in a pity potty, and she said that maybe i could see it as compassion instead of pity. even tho i've used that word thousands of times, the actual hearing of someone telling me of using it for myself in such a way made a whole lot of difference to me. :doh: so, best to you with this - i really do hope you find something you can use for and about yourself. :yes:
sending love and a hug filled w/ self-compassion for all you've gone thru. you so deserve that from yourself since you didn't get it from anyone else when you needed it. :hug:
I am hoping that therapy will change how I see things, and help me unlearn behaviours I've learned in order to survive that is now unhealthy for me and are just creating a bigger devide between who I want to be and who I am. I hope that you try to give therapy a chance, it's painful. And sometimes it feels like it's making you worse, but pushing through that there's usually a breakthrough on the other end.
The goal is to get as good of a life for the time that is left for us, right? Like you said, one step at a time. No need to take it all in at once.
I hope your appointment went well, Three Roses. I've been thinking of you. :hug:
Update - canceled the therapy appointment. I'm just not ready to start again with a new therapist. Maybe later.
:hug:
Have been withdrawn lately. Maybe it's just getting used to my new antidepressant. :Idunno:
I'm feeling so much better than before, when I stopped taking antidepressants. Speaking with a psychiatrist regarding medication has been great. First time in my life I've done it. I feel much more supported by my health care providers than ever before. They were great when I was so depressed, so kind and understanding.
So I've learned that maybe I can trust and be open. It's never going to be blind trust, but I feel I'm achieving a balance that I've missed until now.
:thumbup: :thumbup: :cheer: :hug:
Glad to hear that you are receiving support.
Hello Three Roses,
I just want to say I'm glad that anti depressants are helping you. I started on them last year and the psychiatrist wants me to take them for at least a year. I agree. I was wary and scared at first but a little more settled now. I'm glad to hear too that you're learning to be more open. This is such a big issue for me too. Best.
SaB
:cheer: so good to hear you are doing better. That you have found medication that is working for you. And that you have health care professionals who support you and who are in your corner.
Thanks, everyone.
Been pretty withdrawn lately. Dunno why.
Hoping that spring comes soon, maybe a little sunny weather will perk me up.
Hi 3R :heythere: Good to see you again :hug:
Hi Three Roses,
I hope you get some sunshine soon. In the meantime, I send you a heartfelt hug :hug:
Hope :)
:wave:
i hope something pos. kicks in for you soon, 3r. it's such a drag to be down in the dumps for however long. :thumbdown: love and hugs! :hug:
Back again! Doing better. Putting off having more tests on my heart issues until this virus settled down.
Sun is helping with the inner darkness. In our state, schools, restaurants, bars, and hair salons are all closed, as well as some government offices, but I don't mind that as I live in a semi secluded manner anyhow.
Anti depressants are in full swing and I'm on an even keel. :thumbup:
Hello again to all my old friends, and greetings to those I haven't met yet. :wave: I'm not going to try to catch up on posts, there's 10 pages since I took a break. :aaauuugh:
Great to hear from you! :wave: I'm glad you're back, and in a better place.
Hi 3R, it's great to see you again! :wave: :hug:
So wonderful to see your presence here again. May it bode well for your spirit, and for ours, as your sharing and contributions here have been noteworthy, as well as missed. :grouphug:
Welcome back! Glad to hear that you're doing better and that the sun is shining. :)
that sun can certainly be free medicine, can't it?! glad you're feeling better, 3r. you're a doll. love and hugs, my dear. :hug:
Light is important to me - I'm considering buying a light therapy lamp.
The lamp sounds great. Added to your own always/already strong heart. :hug:
Hi Three Roses,
I am happy you're back, and want to send you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
hey, 3r,
just sending some hugs. the light lamp sounds great - i know people who have used it and it's helped a lot. their only warning was not to overdo it.
i loved what you wrote in my journal - we'll stick together and get thru this. love and hugs, my dear. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Stayed in my room all day, emotionally shut down. Watched movies, played video games on my tablet. Yesterday was an anniversary. At least I think so. I'll dig out some paperwork (when I feel better) to double check.
I'd like to read about something (not mentioning what it is) but it's so hard to comprehend what I read. Too much effort and then I just feel stupid when I can't get it.
I still don't know what to do about therapists, going/not going. What difference would it make at my age. And anyway I couldn't do it now due to current events.
Anyway this is just a note to track my feelings.
3r, so sorry you're going thru a rough patch now. totally sucks. :thumbdown:
personally, i'm really glad i'm talking to a therapist, even at my age. it's been making a big difference. even just talking to her on the phone has helped calm me at times, and we've done emdr processing on skype - it worked really well for me. i'm feeling more stable overall, and it feels good to have a professional in my corner. i know you'll do what's right for you, and i support your decision completely, no matter which way you decide. :yes:
i hope you're getting some sunshine finally. :sunny: :sunny: :sunny: here's some for you, even tho it's only virtual. my heart is in those little sun emoji's, just letting you know i care.
love and hugs, my dear :hug:
I'm sorry you're feeling bad atm 3R! Here's a gentle :hug: and some :sunny: :sunny:
I have that too sometimes when reading - I just can't comprehend. Sometimes it even happens when somebody is talking to me. But we are not stupid! It's an effect of cptsd, e.g. emotional overload leaves no energy for the intellect. There are possibly other reasons too. It is not on us though. It's on our abusers.
This phase will pass, you will be able to understand again. Sending care :grouphug:
Dear Three Roses,
I would also like to send some sunshine and hugs your way :hug: - oops - can't find the sunshine emoji, but the thought is there!!! I empathise with the difficulty in comprehending things that are read sometimes, it happens to me a lot, and especially if I'm in any phase of an EF.
Wishing you the best for the weekend. :hug:
Hope :)
Thank you, san, Blueberry & Hope.
Three Roses, I love to read, but in the last couple of years it has been hard for me to focus and comprehend. That is true even for an easy fictional book. If the book is related to abuse I often am so triggered that I am not able to digest what it says or to finish it.
:grouphug:
Thank you, notalone. :hug:
It helps to know I'm not alone. I do feel better today, although I wore my hoodie inside out all day long and never noticed until this evening. :doh:
Yay for feeling better :cheer:
Quote from: Three Roses on April 19, 2020, 05:52:24 AM
I wrote my hoodie inside out all day long and never noticed until this evening. :doh:
I've done that before too, outside the house :doh: Though I was quite a bit younger, a student in fact and dealt with it using self-deprecating humour once I'd turned my turtleneck the right way out again. It didn't have a label in it, so just had rather interesting appliqué work in various places (seams). But here too it's good to know I'm not alone. :)
glad you're feeling better, 3r. as a side note, back in the 60's, we used to wear our sweatshirts inside out on purpose. (probably back then it's cuz we got them dirty and were making do till we'd take clothes home to have our moms wash them - lol! :bigwink: at any rate, i still sometimes do that on purpose, even to the store, which drives my d wild! it's a laugh! ;D
sometimes i think a little lightness goes a long way. :sunny: love and hugs! :hug:
Very bad, dark place recently. I'm so sick of this crap.
I wish there was a candle emoji because even a little illumination brings light to the darkness. Dark places are awful. I wish I could pull you out, but I know that I can't. Instead, I send lots of care and hugs. You are precious. You are not alone. :grouphug:
I agree with Notalone that dark places are awful, and I also want to illuminate and shine some light as well - I would also like to extend caring and hugs your way :hug:
Hope :)
:hug: :hug: :sunny: :hug: to you 3R! May OOTS be a little light shining in your darkness. You reached out to us :applause: :applause:
Idk why you guys are so nice to me. Today I feel like I'm not a very nice or good person.
ThreeRoses
I think you are a very nice person. You've been a support to me. I like the things you say in posts.
Try not to listen to what the negative voice in you says.
We're here for you, to hold your hand when it's dark, and to try and chase the shadows away x
Quote from: Three Roses on May 15, 2020, 08:33:13 PM
Idk why you guys are so nice to me. Today I feel like I'm not a very nice or good person.
You are still worthy of care and tenderness.
:yeahthat:
Though I admit I have trouble believing I'm worthy of care when I'm in a dark place too. That could be your and my ICr telling us that? I know it's hard to believe but ... this dark phase will end as well. :grouphug:
nevertheless, you are one of the best people i've never met. lots of care, comfort and support coming your way! much love and a hug filled with a hot air balloon to lift your spirits :bighug:
3R, we're always here to lift you up. These sorts of doubts about our worthiness go with the territory, and then ... they go to the rear, eventually blending into the background.
Meanwhile the light shines strong again; maybe even stronger having endured the dark spells again.
I value greatly your presence here, and hope you continue sharing that bright light with everyone here. Thank you for always being you. :hug:
Thanks, everyone, for your support and encouragement! :grouphug:
🥀🥀🥀
**TRIGGER WARNING** abuse, Sexually, medical situations
Today I realized or remembered another couple of people who were abusive or acted inappropriately toward me (it's not clear to me which, maybe someone else has a better view).
My first gynecologist would say things to me of a sexual nature. I was 15 or 16 and seeing him for birth control and the usual female complaints. He would tell me stories about his other, adult patients. (I went alone to these appointments.)
When I was in my early 20s, I would get strep throat about twice a year. Each time I would see my dr for this, he would talk to me about oral sex. He would say that he needed to ask questions regarding oral sex because there was the chance it wasn't strep but was an std. He was the only dr who did this, though. And the questions he asked were more detailed than he needed. Wouldn't a doctor just do all the tests he thought necessary, without talking to a young female about it? Of course those were very different times than now.
Looking back on these today, I see them in a different light than I have in the past, and think they were abusive or at least inappropriate acts.
This is in addition to the event(s) with my pediatrician when I was 8 or 9 or so, who performed a painful procedure on me without anesthesia. He was also verbally abusive. My mother just sat there doing nothing each time.
Those are the things I remembered today.
I'm so sorry all these incidents happened to you! It must be a really hard day for you today remembering all of it. Safe :hug: if helpful.
I think all of those situations are abusive. Sexual abuse includes things like inappropriate conversation or showing inappropriate material at all or too early. Your first gynaecologist had you stuck in his office, you couldn't just leave. I think he was abusing his power over you, in a sexual way.
The strep throat dr - :sadno: :sadno: :sadno: Another abuse of power. He had you there, you needed to see him, he presumably pretended you might have been doing something you hadn't so he could talk sex to you. Especially since he didn't do it just once, he did it repeatedly. May I do some :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: for you? I notice I'm getting really angry at those men while I write this. I'm also reminded of a college professor who abused his power over me in a similar way, which I've written about on here before.
Presumably the pediatrician could have done the procedure with anesthetic? If so, I'd call not doing so physical abuse. Then verbal abuse on top of that and your M just sat there and didn't protect you :sadno: I've had the latter done too. I'm sending you much support and good vibes from OOTS.
Those incidents sound abusive to me too. So sorry you went through that. Would those doctors have said those things to you if someone else was in the room? My guess is NO. Also, this is a vague memory to me, but as a teenager/early 20s, I saw a gynecologist and it was standard procedure that the (female) nurse was in the room the whole time.
Hi Three Roses,
Those incidents definitely sound abusive to me as well - and I am so sorry that you experienced those things. Offering you a safe hug, if that's ok :hug: It upsets me a lot, and some of my parts too, that you were treated this way, and I feel the emotion about it strongly. I think you were brave to write about this, and I find it hard to find the words to express what I want to say, but I really relate to what you wrote.
Hope :)
And, everyone! Your support makes a difference. :grouphug:
🥀🥀🥀
Why is it so hard for me to talk/write about abuse? I have a feeling once I get the ball rolling with IFS I'll be writing in my journal a lot about all the experiences I've had.
Hi 3R, I just wanted to share that all of those situations definitely sound abusive to me too, each time there were boundaries that were clearly and unnecessarily broken. I have also felt that sense you spoke of of being a bad person, I get it so bad sometimes, so I just want to send a hug to you and tell you that you are valued, as others have already said :) :hug:
Thanks, SaB :hug:
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**TW Anger, violence**
So, yesterday someone said something to me, and I'm still trying to settle it in my mind. I keep telling myself to get over it, realize the person probably just didn't understand, or something.
Here's the situation -
I've been attending an online Zoom meeting for support and recovery from cpa/csa. I was having a rough day yesterday (rough few days, if I'm honest) because today is my sibling's bday and it's just an unwelcome reminder that he exists.
**TW violence TW** (highlight if you want to read)
This sibling molested me, tried to rape me, tried to sexually trade me, and the last time he sexually assaulted me was when I was married and had kids. But recently the event that had been troubling me most is the time he attempted to drown me. He was 17, I was 12. He almost succeeded. I was only saved by a bystander. I have shared all that in this Zoom support group.
So yesterday in my support group, I shared that I was having a rough day because I'm triggered by his birthday. There was a newcomer there that didn't hear my background (but all of us in that group are survivors of abuse, mostly csa). I should also mention that English is a second language for the new person. After I shared my feelings, this person raised her hand and said that if she had ever said anything like that, her mother would say, 'you're just jealous'. And she again said, 'You're jealous.'
My first reaction was to think she was saying something her mother would say to her; a minimizing, abusive remark that her mother would make to her in that circumstance. Then after a little time went by, it felt more like she was saying that directly to me - "You're just jealous it's his birthday."
So I texted one of the leaders of the group, who was supportive but said that this is just the newcomer's damage showing, and there is just something inside her that made her react that way to my statement. And I agree.
But - I know our moderators here at OOTS would not let a minimizing statement like that go unchallenged. Part of me wants to forgive her, recognize it's just her damage, :blahblahblah:, but another part of me wants to identify her statement as minimizing and unhelpful. I'm hurt and irritated, yes, but I'm also concerned she could act that way to someone more fragile and cause some real damage.
So idk, maybe I'll just be watchful about her. :Idunno:
If you got all the way thru that, thanks for letting me vent. I feel better.
I understand how the newcomer's words could be a sign of their damage, but I'd hope that the group would be a safe place for everybody. I read your post, and I completely get how his birthday is triggering. The thought of someone saying that to me makes me feel :blowup:.
I'm glad you're feeling better. :hug:
:hug: yeah it would be hard to take. I think I would be weary of her. :hug:
I know how you feel. And the sting is extra bad when it comes from a fellow trauma survivor (who, based on their own experiences in life, you'd expect to be more sensitive to your suffering). Even worse is when that person is callous towards you for reasons you don't understand, but kind to seemingly everyone else, causing you to feel singled-out. It can make what was once a perceived sanctuary suddenly feel like it's an unsafe place to be vulnerable and seek support.
I'm very sorry about what you suffered at your brother's hands. It's horrifying, and it make sense that his birthday is so triggering for you. I'm hoping you'll feel comfortable continuing to participate in that group :hug:
Snowdrop, tee and saylor :grouphug:
You've each hit the nail on the head.
I've convinced myself to get over it , to realize no one "makes" me feel anything - it's just a reaction. I'm turning my reaction into a response. I'm choosing to realize it has everything to do with what's going on inside her and nothing to do with me. Therefore I can totally reject her baseless claim.
I would have been :blowup: about something like that said to me. I'm glad that you were able to vent about it here till you felt better about it and that you can now reject the whole comment as a baseless claim.
To me that speaks of huge healing in you! :cheer: I'm not that far.
I'm so sorry about what your sibling did to you. :hug:
I read what your brother did and it makes me sad and angry.
I'm wondering if you could bring this up at the next zoom meeting. My concern is that since you are not feeling safe with that person, you won't be getting as much benefit from the meeting.
If English is her second language, could things have gotten lost in translation? Either way, I think it should have been addressed by the leaders of the group. I'm sorry too for what your brother did to you. It is not surprising the day was difficult for you.
Quote from: notalone on June 10, 2020, 11:19:32 PM
I'm wondering if you could bring this up at the next zoom meeting. My concern is that since you are not feeling safe with that person, you won't be getting as much benefit from the meeting.
:yeahthat:
Quote from: owl25 on June 11, 2020, 12:48:59 AM
If English is her second language, could things have gotten lost in translation? Either way, I think it should have been addressed by the leaders of the group.
Good point about "things getting lost in translation".
I agree that it should have been addressed by the leaders. For one thing, what's somebody with a history of cpa/csa doing quoting her
mother in a group like that?! Quote somebody emotionally healthy like a T maybe, but somebody who was probably emotionally abusive or who was certainly not very emotionally intelligent?? No.
Idk your zoom group rules but I can remember rules in group therapy (maybe even in 12 Step groups, but I can't remember that exactly) where you were to use "I" statements and speak only for yourself.
3R, I'm really really happy for you that you're feeling OK again about that person's remark. If she comes up with something like that again and you don't feel OK, I'll send you a blanket from the Healing Porch called something like This Too Can Be a Learning Moment for the Group Leaders. Because I do feel a little worried that you've convinced yourself. But my worry is undoubtedly based on my own history and you are not me. You have healing in areas I do not. :hug: :hug:
Blueberry, notalone, owl :grouphug: good points all.
Nope, didn't get lost in translation. Plus I was crying as I was talking about the sibling, so she could see how upset I was. Tbh I have concerns about her involvement in the group - so far she has not revealed anything about her need for a support group other than having a difficult mother, but I'm wondering if she is some kind of voyeur. That's probably just my distrust of people leaking thru tho. In her defense, while I'm positive I didn't misunderstand her words, it's possible I misunderstood her intentions. She could have been just saying that's what she would hear in a similar situation. Still, it was an odd comment.
As far as having more healing, it's all crumbled again this morning lol and I'm upset again. I'll pull out one of my books and do some reading, like "The Four Agreements" or "Codependent No More". There is another meeting this morning and I want to feel settled before it starts. I'm going to watch to see if the leader brings it up.
What I don't want to do is have an EF and upset the group with my personal issues. Deep breaths, 3R! Not everyone's out to get you. 😉
Very odd comment from someone who claims to have a difficult mother. Especially since you were crying. So very odd comment in very odd situation. In what way would it help somebody who's so upset to then hear somebody else's ICr?? (She may not know the term ICr but probably knows the concept.)
You know I mentioned your healing because I was in awe - I am definitely not that far along! I would be upset too. I'm having difficulty putting what I feel into words. I sent you a PM too.
I guess everybody in that type of support group will have 'personal issues' which may sometimes upset others or just make the others think a bit. I'm sending you that blanket I mentioned up above with the addition: "Learning Moment for Others in the Group". You've maybe had the meeting already or are in the middle of it. I'm sending good thoughts and vibes your way. :grouphug: :grouphug: full of healing OOTS energy :hug:
It's coming up in about a half hour. We'll see what transpires. No matter what, there's a lesson here for me somewhere. How to speak up peacefully? How to let comments from unhelpful people roll off my back? :Idunno:
I've been thinking about you today, 3R. I can imagine how upsetting it must have been to talk about your sibling, and then to get that response. It makes my mind go :stars:.
I hope it goes well today. :hug:
Dear Three Roses,
I am thinking of you, and sending you support and a hug :hug:
Hope :)
It was fine. Thanks for all the support you guys. :grouphug:
So, yesterday's meeting went well, the other person was not there. I was very withdrawn during and after tho, and only this morning do I feel capable of conversation. But now I have that odd feeling that when I talk, I don't know who is talking, and I don't feel like it's "me".
:hug: :hug:
Hugs to you, 3R. :hug:
:hug:
Hope :)
Hope you feel better soon!
:hug: 3R I Hope you feel better soon my friend sending you hugs! Of reassurance that you're not alone!
Thanks, all - the past week or so I have been feeling much better! Today I have a headache but my mood is still positive.
Thanks for all the well-wishes! :grouphug:
Here's to more short, sweet, better feelings and positives -- you've deserved them, and here's wishes for many more ...
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:yeahthat: :hug: :hug:
Still on an upswing - I do think the Zoom meetings are helping me, even with the unpleasant comment I mentioned above, and a subsequent kerfuffle (I love that word) that managed to trigger EVERYONE in the group. But we all discussed it rationally at the next meeting two days later, and I've learned that I can experience unpleasantness, and get through it. I should say, I've relearned this, as I used to be better at it at one point in my life.
With these meetings and IFS therapy I finally feel my feet on solid ground. Crossing my fingers it lasts!
Quote from: Three Roses on July 08, 2020, 08:09:27 PM
With these meetings and IFS therapy I finally feel my feet on solid ground. Crossing my fingers it lasts!
Glad to hear that you feel the earth firmly beneath your feet.
Quote from: Three Roses on July 08, 2020, 08:09:27 PM
I've learned that I can experience unpleasantness, and get through it.
So important to know and to keep experiencing. That is something most of us didn't learn &/or experience in childhood. It says a lot about the zoom group that the comment was dealt with and not ignored.
Thanks for the new word! I looked "kerfuffle" up in the dictionary (online).
very glad for you, 3r, that things are looking up as you feel more grounded. love and hugs :hug:
Sounds like great progress, I'm happy for you :cheer:
:cheer: :hug: I'm glad your making progress 3R !!! :cheer: :hug:
Kudos, 3R, for hanging in there and finding a way to let the process work for you. And I'm sure your presence is a huge plus for the others doing the zoom meetings.
Mostly, though, I'd like to add an encouraging :hug: as you continue the process of discovery in your determined trek back to finding your wonderful essence; grounded better for the next strides.
Hi Three Roses,
I also like the word 'kerfuffle' - and I'm glad that the Zoom meetings are working well for you. I'm sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
I found an old voice recording from 11/23/2019 that I'd wanted to include here; it is a little late but better late than never.
*****
Today while I was walking my dog, I started thinking about the IFS book that I'm reading. I now know that I have at least three protector manager parts: there is one part that is young but wants to look old - she has glasses and carries a clipboard; she keeps track of data, information of all types and I can tell she's on the verge of tears. She is concerned about accuracy.
There's also a teenager who is really angry and assertive, and she almost looks for confrontation - she's very sexually precocious and she has a really direct gaze - she's fit and trim with long hair; she is strong but lonely (this is kind of how I was when I was about 17).
Then there's a small girl, I'm going to say she's 5 or 6, and she feels responsible for keeping everyone calm and happy so that they're safe to be around - so they don't lose control of their emotions, because people who have strong emotions of any kind are dangerous - they can lash out verbally, physically, sometimes even sexually, and cause great harm to the organism she lives in (which is me, the Self) - and so when I thought of his little girl, I got the sense that she was kind of frantic. I started to tear up, and I asked which part of me was tearing up and it was the little girl. I asked her what she was feeling and she said she's impatient, that she wants to be released from her role, and instead wants her role to be playing and coloring. So I said, "We're working on it, we're working on it," and then I told her, "You're such a good little girl." Then I just felt this flood of emotions! It was just - it was so, so cool. It was SO cool.
I'm very encouraged by the events of this morning - especially with my blood pressure that has been very high recently but today is back in the normal range, after talking to this part.
(realized at 4 am this morning I'd said protector and not manager 😶 so I've changed it)
That's fascinating. I'm glad you included it here. :hug:
:hug: that's awesome 3R hugs to the little one too maybe she can play with little sometime. :hug:
Hi Three Roses,
I am also glad you included this - when I read what you wrote, I also felt emotional - a flood of emotions at certain things you wrote, and it was like my parts were interacting.
:hug: to you and all your parts.
Hope :)
Thank you for sharing your interactions with your Parts. This hug is for all the Parts. :grouphug:
thinking of you, hope you're doing ok. love and hugs :hug:
Thanks, San. That means a lot to me. I know you're dealing with crapola, too, so the fact that you took the time to say hello means a lot.
I've been attending Zoom meetings for support, for me it's easier than trying to think of words to type. I still come here to read posts though, but I only answer them if I think I have something new to offer.
Have been quilting a lot, too, I've made one for each son, my husband, and myself, and now am working on Christmas presents for my bil and sil.
Hi Three Roses,
Your quilting sounds great. Lovely that you have made them for your family, and for yourself too.
I think you are so brave to attend a Zoom meeting - I've never managed to do that in my life. I admire the fact you are doing that. :hug:
Hope :)
Hi Three Roses,
Your quilting sounds great! Well done for doing so many :applause: :applause: :cheer: I'm really happy attending Zoom meetings is helping you. :hug: :grouphug:
Quilting sounds quite nice, Three Roses. And it is such an amazing gift! I hope they will value the hard work that you've put into each blanket. My mother quilts a lot too, so I've seen how much time and care goes into one blanket or table runner, or pillow. And they are so warm and cosy!
Glad that you're finding support on zoom meetings too!
Thanks, all.
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When I feel the way I'm feeling today, talking to people, responding, writing ... all create an increased heart rate, teariness, lump in the pit of my stomach, fear, sweating. I'm frequently anxious, but interaction with humans heightens my anxiety. No matter who it is.
The last couple of days have been rough. I'm very good at putting on a brave face and not letting people see what's going on inwardly. Self protection, I know. I hide behind a wall of information; a distraction, a trail of bread crumbs, to mislead and distract from seeking or seeing the person I am. At the heart of these past couple of days' worth of rocky terrain is the belief that if I am known intimately I will be rejected.
I'm Nguyen going back and forth between "what happened to me was truly bad" and "you didn't have it so terribly".
I know this is just a blended part, and later I won't feel these things. It's hard to know how I feel when I feel so many diametrically opposed emotions.
I'm trying to just post this without editing for grammar, spelling and punctuation....
(edited for grammar, spelling and punctuation lol)
:hug: :hug: No response necessary.
:hug:
:hug:
:grouphug:
:grouphug:
I was just thinking of you, and wanted to say :wave: and :hug:.
:hug: thinking of you 3R hope you are well. :hug:
:yeahthat: love and hugs :hug:
Hi Three Roses,
I was thinking of you, so popped over to say hello. Hope you are well. Sending you a hug :hug:
Hope :)
Hello, good people of this forum! :wave:
My antidepressant is doing its job, I'm happier for the most part and feeling more balanced. Something else I credit for the shift in me is Internal Family Systems Therapy. Due to covid and other things I'm not in therapy, but I'm finding that using just the basics of IFS that I understand has given me the ability to better deal with triggers, usually before I even experience a debilitating flashback.
I hope each and every one of you - those I know and those I don't - are doing well.
Hi Three Roses,
:cheer: I am so glad to hear that your antidepressant is doing its job, and that you're happier for the most part and feeling more balanced. That is great. Also that IFS is helpful. So many positives in what you wrote, and so nice to hear that you're ok. I have thought about you often, and wondered how you're doing.
Big hug to you :hug:
Hope :)
Hugs back to you, Hope! :hug:
:cheer: :hug: welcome back 3R I'm glad you are doing well and your antidepressants are doing their job. Miss hearing from you! :hug:
:) :cheer: :thumbup: :hug: :hug:
Missed you, but so glad to hear of your good journeying. Sometimes we just wander, but there's so much to heal, it's a wonder, and joy, that we can somehow find solid steps forward.
That you've done so is wonderful news, and inspiration for others that sometimes we can turn the corner and there it is -- a new life and better prospects for dealing with the old story.
Thanks for stopping back here with the encouraging update.
Three Roses, welcome back, I'm glad you have good news and feeling better :hug:
Sending you support and care (and a hug if it's ok) :hug:
Thanks, all!
:bighug:
good to see you again, glad you're doing better. keep taking care. love and hugs :hug:
:grouphug: