There's no trigger warnings on this, except there will probably be a lot of cussing, which is ordinarily unlike me but I'm FURIOUS and that's very much unlike me, too.
I've never really had too much of a problem with my Inner Critic. My other symptoms make up for this problem by a thousandfold, but the Inner Critic hasn't been my issue so much as the Outer Critic (They're going to abandon me, they're going to hurt me, I have to stay safe, I have to bunker down and hide from them), but I've been making huge strides on this lately. I've been learning to trust people and start to make connections and reach out for help when I need it, and it's done wonders to bring me out of my shell. I'm starting to really like myself, rather than just feeling like I have to protect myself constantly. I'm bubbly and friendly and helpful. I'm kind and supportive and creative and really great at making people feel safe and calm and at home around me.
I also have an amazing sense of humor.
And as I begin to realize that, I remember my brother and my mother laughing at me for having no sense of humor-- for being frigid and clueless (I'm LGBTQ+: Specifically Asexual, so innuendos and anatomical references go right over my head. I can't help that-- it's just that my brain isn't wired to jump straight to sex because I've never experienced sexual attraction, despite having felt plenty of romantic attraction). They'd pat me on the head and make me the butt of their jokes, amping up the number of innuendos they'd use around me so that they'd have the pleasure of seeing me, someone who's very intelligent and often dishing out random trivia to anyone who will listen, look like an confused idiot. My friends even caught on to this behavior and would give me pitying looks whenever I needed a joke explained or would just try not to be funny around me. They'd catch themselves making a joke and shoot themselves down so that I wouldn't feel excluded just because I "couldn't understand humor." My M, on the other hand, would tease me mercilessly and cruelly for not understanding jokes. Over time, it was just something I accepted about myself, and I would chuckle a little anytime someone would insult my sense of humor. This happened as early as the second or third grade.
But here's the catch. I'm * hilarious.
Now that I'm in a healthy situation, I'm laughing constantly, and making people laugh alongside me. I joke about all sorts of things, and my sarcasm rarely makes anyone but public figures the butt of a joke. My therapy sessions are a series of jokes to deal with my trauma. I'm always making jokes and making people laugh. Always! I don't understand how someone could say I'm not funny. I don't use innuendos and I don't deal in cruelty. I do make up strange codes to use from across the room. I do use Shakespearean insults against inanimate objects. I do behave strangely and take sarcastic notes. At work, someone is always laughing when I crack a joke-- and not just a chuckle, but a clench-your-gut kind of laugh. For example, I work at a college and am an English major. One of my coworkers and I were talking about the prospects for an English major-- Journalist, Teacher, the works. He asked me if I wanted to be a journalist, and I scrunched my nose up and shook my head.
"No," I told him. "I'm not a fan of Journalism."
"What don't you like about it?" he asked me, tilting his head.
I, with a perfectly smooth expression and an honest tone, told him, "The job description."
The belly-aching laugh I got out of him was so much bigger than I expected. The entire office started laughing as he relayed the joke to several other people, and he still chuckles when I talk about Journalism and smile a little at him.
I'm so frustrated that these people told me I wasn't funny. I was. I was absolutely funny. They were just trying to hide me away in the back rooms of our house, to be seen when asked for and never, ever heard. And the jokes that went over my head would have gone over any kid's head, and they would have gone over any asexual's head. It was their way of making me feel terrible for being who I was. I didn't deserve that at all. Why would I have? I was a funny kid, and whip-smart, too. I could take any of my peers at a game of chess, despite having been taught the wrong rules by my F so that he could own me on the chess board and make himself feel better.
Ugh. I deserved better than these people. And on clear days like today, on good days, I can see that so clearly. I wish I could see it every day.
Hi Dandelion, such a great post. :)
You sound like a loving, fun, respectful person to be around and I'm glad that you're now starting to see that and surrounding yourself with what sound like good people. What you said about your outer critic has struck a chord with me and made me see that I'm struggling with similar: I'm convinced people will belittle, hurt and abandon me, with little trust or benefit of the doubt ever given towards them. I'm so glad you're making in-roads with this, I hope to start working on doing the same.
I strongly suspect that your FOO felt threatened by your intelligence and genuinely witty sense of humour and as a result bullied you using crass 'humour'. Except you were never in on the joke, which is just cruel. Why anyone would do that to a child rather than loving and celebrating them for who they are I will never understand.
The clear days are so good when they come and I think they're insights into what healthy is. Wishing many more for you. :) :yes: