My M has NPD and I am LC with her. I had an email recently that reminded me so much of why I am here ended up here. My B's adopted daughter (19) recently had a second baby and like the first child his father is not in the picture. I made the mistake of asking my M how he was and she told me he was born with a deformed ear and was having tests to see what they can do about it. She went on to 'reasssure' me that although life has been tough for a couple of years for her (I guess b/c her GD has challenges), she was OK and would be fine. What the heck? How did this become about her? Oh wait, I know this - she's a n N and everything is about her.
I wrote back and said something like Oh my goodness, poor little guy, I hope they can help him. I imagine his M must be very upset." She probably won't get switching attention and concern to where it should be and didn't give her the "poor you" response she was fishing for but meh, I feel a little better having done my bit to avoid feeding the N need. Gah though, it brought back a lot of memories of how my successes and challenges were all about her and why I felt I was starving in what looked like a sea of plenty.
Quote from: Kizzie on March 15, 2019, 04:47:55 PM
I feel a little better having done my bit to avoid feeding the N need.
:cheer: for responding as you did, Kizzie. :hug:
Hope :)
:cheer: :grouphug:
:hug: :applause:
:applause: :applause: :applause: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Tks everyone ;D The other good news I have re not letting N's take up too much real estate in my head and heart is that after the EMDR I did a few months back I do seem to have gotten unstuck from the Trump triggering. That said I do feel anger, sadness, revulsion at the things the man and his cronies do/do not do. I cannot imagine being a US citizen and living with all the very real ramifications of his presidency. :pissed:
That's great you got unstuck from the Trump triggering.
(By the way, I got triggert to see his youngest son when he became president - he seemed to suffer so much)
And I found your response to your M very inspiring. :thumbup:
I also have LC with my NPD Mom. I'm contemplating going NC, since every time we do have an interaction she just sucks the air out of the room. I just can't stand being around someone who is so self absorbed.
Do you find yourself getting triggered after speaking with her?
Invisible daughter, I get triggered just thinking about my M. I'm VLC. It was a huge relief when I stated "No phone calls" as one boundary. FOO actually sticks to that too. After stating that boundary I noticed the relief. I hadn't realised beforehand to what extent continued contact with FOO was damaging me.
My M is very hard of hearing so I don't have to speak to her on the phone, we just email or talk in person which is only every 2 or 3 yrs. I recently cut way back on emailing after realizing I had allowed her to flood my mailbox - 2 - 3 emails at least every day telling me when she got up, what she ate, even when she went to the bathroom. She wants someone to be aware of her every breath - the level of enmeshment and self-absorption was/is crazy. Such a relief as you say BB not to have telephone calls to dread.
Yes, very triggering when I was talking by telephone though, she's a master at hogging the stage and plowing right over the other person talking. "Sucks the air out of the room" is a perfect description!
I totally get your forum name, that was how I felt for decades - invisible as a person, just a set of ears to listen (and listen and listen .....) never to be. We're not invisible though and no-one, let alone our parent should ever make us feel that way. I have a coaster in my office that reads "I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked." I see it every day and it's a great reminder ;D
KIzzie, I love your coaster, can I borrow it? ;D
However, I am more afraid of doing that to other people than of other people doing it to me. I have this tendency to over-explain all the time, it's like all my learnt silence and forced listening as a kid became oversharing as an adult. Am I becoming my mother? God, I hope not! I so hope I am not.
Quote from: Kizzie on May 05, 2019, 04:20:38 PM
Such a relief as you say BB not to have telephone calls to dread.
Yes. What is kind of crazy, or actually maybe just sad, is that it wasn't until after I'd instigated the no-phone-calls rule that I noticed what a relief it was. Beforehand I wasn't even aware of the dread I was feeling day in, day out.
Quote from: Kizzie on May 05, 2019, 04:20:38 PM
Yes, very triggering when I was talking by telephone though, she's a master at hogging the stage and plowing right over the other person talking.
That sounds very familiar. Once I took M up on her interruptions, face to face, when I was visiting my parents. She seemed to think it was OK to plow right over somebody else if it was "to point out something interesting" while we were on a walk. Um, noooo, not necessarily, especially not without apologising and going back to the original topic.
Wow...you are all articulating this feeling very well with the references to be being invisible/having to be that silent/the set of listening ears. There's so much that goes with this - your inner protector trying to keep you safe as an adult by not speaking out; ppl seeing you (me haha) as unconfident and an easy target because of it.
Kizzie - good for you to turn the attention back to the child and recognize how enmeshing the emails were :cheer: I will bring the attention away from my grandmother and back to the issue we were talking about. The family believes a lot of the health drama and I find myself getting invisible again because everyone is so fearful for her. I'm learning.
:thumbup: :applause: and cheering you on DV! :cheer:
:grouphug:
thank you for articulating the struggle so well
Lovely to hear you say this Dolly as not even ten years ago I would try to speak about my abuse and the fog would roll in and I could not make sense of anything I'd been through nor the behaviours of family with NPD. It felt like I'd open my mouth and rambling and squawking would come out.
It wasn't until I went to Out of the Fog and learned the language so I could talk about it that recovery really kicked in. N behav makes us feel crazy until we can spot the behaviour, name it and then tame it by being able to see it really is the N who has the problem and learning how not to get caught up in it. It took a while but well worth the effort. :yes:
Yes, I understand. Rn I'm feeling really thankful about the developments in trauma and CPTSD that have been made these last few years. It's been such a struggle (for me it seems) to even get the abuse/CPTSD recognized. It's great that you have that resource of language now and it has given you understanding and strength.
I was thinking this morning about my first therapist at university almost 20 years ago when I went in for "insomnia." I would be just an emotional mess about my mom and family and how I had to just contain it all because no one really got "it." I had a journey of self healing in mind and I wanted to live my life though, so I pressed on. My next therapist a few years later classed my mom as NPD and wanted to label me as Borderline/Histrionic (in part) because of the emotionality. It never seemed right though, and I felt like I was getting "blamed" with a PD but there was something else going on.
So, fast forward and even four/five years ago when I learned about CPTSD and it clicked but when someone classed my narc family's behaviour as abuse, it still didn't sink in that that's what it was. I had a really hard time saying that and it's probably in the last year that I've started to recognize it for what it is/was. There was other abuse but somehow the internalisation of NPD behaviour runs so deep and is so messy.
Reading about ppl's experiences here and on OOTF today is so helpful in seeing other ppl articulate that behaviour and their experiences with NPD. When they are writing, I recognize my own family's dysfunction in it in a way that is harder when I just reflect on my own experiences.
It really is a fog isn't it :))
It took me decades to find out I have CPTSD and then another few years to truly believe I was subjected to ongoing relational trauma as a result of my FOO's covert NPD. I came to see it as "death by a thousand cuts" - ongoing micro-agressions that eat away at one's spirit.
A lot of us who experience covert NPD almost feel like it would have been 'better' to have been physically abused because then at least we'd know for sure we'd been abused. Crazy but that's how N abuse rolls for a lot of us. The power of covert and to some extent overt NPD is that N's are so slick and convincing, look at how Trump sucked in literally millions of people and IMO he's been pretty overt.
Anyway, all this is to say I'm glad you're seeing it as abuse now, it makes recovery possible and that's why we're all here. :grouphug: