Out of the Storm

A dear forum friend wrote to me about striving for progression not perfection.  I think that is excellent! So I decided to make it the title of my new journal.

I have summer coming up and will hopefully be able to give myself more of the healing time I need.  I need to be better to my body... I've really packed on the pounds since this past August. I think a fitness plan is order once I'm out of school for the summer.

I also plan on really working on my mental health.  I'm starting to get into some of the scarier trauma work.  Some memories are so visceral that even now I don't want to write, talk about or deal with them.  Maybe once summer comes I can be more brave??

My plan is, if I tackle this stuff over the summer then I will be free more often to make a followup appointment if I feel like I'm slipping or derailing.

Cheers to progression

Love your journal title Deep Blue. Very inspiring. I'm glad you'll have some breathing room soon, time when you might feel more resourced. Time for caring for you! 

Cheers to progression, to bravery, to healing and to you!  :cheer:

Love it!  :cheer:  :applause:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Progression not perfection  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: I love it too!

Supporting you in your progression.  :wave:

Hi Deep Blue,
I have just seen your new Journal name, and I think it's a really great name and I would also like to support you on the road to progression not perfection.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Wow my head is spinning from today...

Today was the last day for seniors.  They walk around and say goodbye and take pics with their teachers.  It was great... but... I have a student who is one of my aides.  I partly have him aide for me so I can keep an eye on him.

*** TW... mention of Suicide


This boy made an attempt on his life earlier this year. He was placed in a partial hospitalization program and worked his way back to school.  He's such a bright boy and we have a good relationship. He seems to be doing much better... well until today...
*** end trigger warning***

He came up to my room and asked to go to the clinic.. I could read on his face he wasn't doing well.  I sent him down there and then went down later to check on him.  He wasn't sick but had called his dad and asked to go home. 

My gut is telling me something is wrong. I hope he will be ok and won't hurt himself.  Now I'll be worried about him all weekend.  I called home to try to ease my mind and talked briefly to mom but yeah... ugh I hate this feeling.

And my day didn't end there!!!! My boss called me in and needs me to teach a new class next year.  One of my biggest triggers is feeling that I don't have control over things.  It makes me feel powerless... so now I'm reeling  :stars:  I'm basically being pushed into teaching something new, taking additional coursework this summer and did I mention a coworker will be moved buildings because of it???!!! My coworker is taking classes with the belief she will be teaching the class next year that they just gave me... I feel like I've stabbed my coworker in the back  :Idunno:

Hi Deep Blue, Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I hope you get some clarity on the new class and what that process is going to look like.  Also, I hope your student is hanging in and they are ok.  And that you are doing ok too.

Update:
My student is ok.  He was worried over the weekend that he would hurt himself so he and his parents got him back in the hospital for the weekend.  He had been in a partial hospitalization program for a couple months in the fall.

He thanked me for calling and checking in on him.  He's was doing much better today and said he just needs to remember to put his mental health as a priority.  I'm so relieved he is safe.

Thanks so much MoonBeam,
No clarity about the new class yet but am hoping to hear by this Friday 🤞
———————————
****TW: flashback of PA


I had a heck of a time in therapy today.  I couldn't say the word... I'm worried I'm regressing a bit.  I'm stuck again and can't say the b word.  I had a major flashback and massive panic attack last Wednesday about being hit with a b—-.  When it was over I realized I was curled up on the floor... yeah... it really knocked it out of me.

** end trigger warning***
my T pushed me today and I wasn't able to say the word but I wrote out some of what I wanted to say.  I wish I could have done more  :Idunno:

Terrified I won't sleep tonight.  Goodnight forum 🌙

 :hug:

Sweet Deep Blue-

I've just now read your posts from last week and today.  You are going through such a lot, both in relationships with coworkers and students and within your own self.  I am holding you in my heart and sending wishes for clarity and for the ability to take small steps, not big ones.  You have had a lot of practice with handling tough situations.  I know in my heart that you will find a grounded place and break these new situations down into manageable morsels for your plate.

Please be kind to yourself. 

Dear DB, how are you today?

MoonBeam,
Still waiting on clarity on the job front. I hate keeping secrets about it... rumors get started and I can't stop them without reveling the thing I'm not supposed to talk about.

Hey Jdog,
I'm struggling for some reason... I feel like something is bubbling up and I can't put my finger on it.  Feeling sad I think? I really appreciate you and will try to do exactly what you suggest. I'm going to try to break things up into more manageable pieces.

Hey 3R,
I'm not so good today. I don't have a reason to be struggling... just am  :Idunno:

Sorry you're struggling, I'm sending loving, positive thoughts your way.  :hug:

Hi Deep Blue,
Sending you a hug and positive thoughts  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug:

My T was able to fit me in tonight at 7. She wasn't even working in her office today and still saw me.  I feel so needy and pitiful that I needed her to see me so desperately.

3R, Jdog and Hope,
Thanks for the love and hugs.  I will hold it all close to me tonight.

I'm going to break my silence tonight. Tonight is the night that I tell my husband... I can't fight this alone anymore... not if I want to come out ahead... I'm going to tell him I have cptsd, I'm not gonna tell him details but it's a start...
Here goes nothin... (well here goes everything)

You are strong and courageous. I'm cheering from the sidelines.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Cheering for my brave friend! :cheer: :hug:

You are strong, and wishing you the best with this.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Deep Blue, I just want to offer you my best wishes here, if that is OK. It seems like you are doing very well.

SaB

3R, Jdog, Hope, and SaB,
Thanks so much for your support.

I told my husband last night.  I'm not feeling quite like I expected I would but I suppose I can't predict the future.

I thought I would feel like a weight was lifted, like now I don't have to hide it from him anymore.  That is not how I feel though... don't get me wrong, I feel supported by him... it's just that I feel more exhausted than I thought I would.

So yeah... he didn't ask questions. I didn't offer to answer any either. I told him I hate talking about it and that I only really tell my T about it.  I was worried that I've been in therapy for 3 years and be had never once asked why.

Me waiting 3 years to tell him was (surprisingly) a non-issue.  He said he just figured I would tell him when I was ready.  He said he didn't want to pry.

I took some stuff to help me sleep last night.  I did sleep but I was trapped in the nightmares and couldn't wake up either. 

In my head I know that this is progression.  My heart needs to catch up I think though...

Much love to you all

Much love to you, Deep Blue.  Glad you were able to tell your husband, and that he listened to you.  I think it's understandable that you feel exhausted now - as that must have taken quite a lot of energy to do that.  Be kind to yourself.  I hope you can rest and get some relaxation.  Sending you a gentle hug of support  :hug: if that's ok.
Hope  :)

 :applause: Just waking up or I'd write something. You're awesome.  :thumbup:

That was a really big step in telling your husband. You debated telling him for a long time and it was a big risk, so understandable why you are exhausted. It was really hard and scary and you did it.  :cheer:

Quote from: Deep Blue on May 15, 2019, 01:35:00 AM
I feel so needy and pitiful that I needed her to see me so desperately

You are needy, 1) because you are human, 2) everything you are dealing with. You do have needs and that is okay. You are NOT pitiful. You are a precious person. Sounds like your therapist cares about you a great deal and is invested in helping you.

Hey Deep Blue.  That's super frustrating to have to hold the news form your co-worker. I think I understand why it's so hard. It's so important to me to feel upright and clear with my interactions with others. It's about integrity. Maybe too cause manipulation was such a part of keeping us quiet and complacent in the abuse we suffered, we have little or no tolerance for it now.

Wow!!! You are so brave and amazing for sharing your truth with your husband. I shared recently about my CPTSD with a friend of 11 years, my only close friend. I felt super exposed and fearful after, but she still loves me and we are closer now because of it. Three years is a good while to hold that secret from your husband. It makes sense it would take a little while for your body and emotional self to process your brave action. Rest and take care of you. You deserve extra support and love! Definitely a sign of progress that you could ask for help from your T and receive it as well, and speak your truth!  We're here for you, cheering you on.  :grouphug:

My head is spinning!  :stars:

Around 40 involuntary transfers in my districts yesterday.  People are reeling. I'm sort of effected but get to stay in my own building.  So many people freaking out and I'm trying to steer clear of the insanity.

Deep breaths I gotta get through this week till I find out what I'm teaching

Yikes!

Jeez I am sorry to hear about the involuntary transfers.  Very sad.  My district is coming apart at the seams - will be taken over by the state if the budget cannot be balanced - and we had a teacher strike day last month with another possible day next week. It's very hard to do the day to day job amidst uncertainty and chaos.  Sending you those deep breaths as your schedule becomes clear to you!

Hang in Deep Blue.  Thinking of you.

This is a symbol --  :hug:

... soulfully it represents much more ...

...until it resembles this --  :grouphug:

Hoping for the best for you ... an extra heartfelt peace nod be yours ...

I'm so wrung out,
Meetings after school lasted for 1.5 hours and with everything else I'm soooo done.

Part of me wants to take tomorrow off work, but it's also the last day I'll see some of my students before exams and I want to help them prepare.

I honestly thought I was gonna have a panic attack right then and there when my Coworker came barging in my room the 3rd time.

I'm trying to use the new mantra I made for myself: just because things are not in my control doesn't mean I'm out of control.

I drank some tonight... just wanna sleep and I don't want to think about today anymore.  :no:

Hang in there...  :hug:

 :hug: Sorry you had such a stressful day.

Things are starting to get better!  :cheer:

Not alone, 3R: thanks so much for your continued support.

Woodsgnome: thanks for always popping in when I need it the most.

MoonBeam,
I did just that and hung in there and eventually things got easier to handle.

Jdog,
It's the kids taking college classes in high school That is killing us.  No need for so many high school teachers ya know? It's been tough AND I still don't know my schedule.  They said probably this coming Friday.... did I mention Friday is the staff workday and kids' last day is Thursday? Ugh  :doh:

Hi Deep Blue - it's good that things are starting to get better.    :cheer:
:hug: to you and well done for hanging in there.  I know you're very busy just now, so hope it goes ok.
Hope  :)

Deep Blue-

Any updates? Next year's schedule looking ok?

Hoping you are doing well now that the dust is settling, dear. :hug:

Hello all,
I know mostly what I'm teaching next year but I have not started additional coursework yet.

I'm going to be MIA for a bit longer. My area was swept by tornadoes on Monday and I've been participating in charity and relief efforts every day.  Donating time, water, and food.  Also helping by cleaning up debris and stuff.  It's a mess here but I'm safe. 
Love you all  :grouphug:

It is so, so kind of you to assist your neighbors during this time of great need.  I'm glad to know you are safe, and send warm thoughts and a great big :hug:to you also!

Glad you're safe!  :hug:

So glad you are safe Deep Blue.  :hug:

Hope things can get turned around for you, and the area in general. I know it's usually quid pro to add that things will get back to normal, but even keel would at least be nice. Wishing you well.  :hug:

Hello all!
Thanks so much for your support and kind words!

Things are getting back to our new normal I'd say.  Some people didn't have power for 8-10 days.  Some didn't have running water for 3 days... many of us couldn't drink tap water. The devastation can still be seen out the window for many but we are starting to get back to life again.

I had therapy today, and we analyzed 2 beliefs I have.
1. I am damaged because of my trauma.
2. I need to be in control always.  I need to assess all new people and new situations be sure they are safe.

So yeah... that's what we are working on. I'm feelin kinda foggy today.  A little depersonalized... no idea why. Oh wel

If it's any comfort, I'm always a bit off-center after therapy. Foggy, as you say. I'm glad things are getting back to a new normal.  :hug:

Welcome back, Blue!

Once again, thanks so much for your volunteering as neighbors struggled.  You are a caring person who does not sit idly by when people are struggling.  This goes far beyond your work with students in the classroom. 

I am still completing my own classroom work - it's finals week, and graduation was last night. 

:hug:

Welcome back  :hug: 
Hope  :)

Stressful day.  I should have gone for a run or something to ease it but I was pinched for time and the rain started to pour.

I had to be interviewed over the phone today.  Months ago, I turned in a coworker for an inappropriate relationship with a student. Turns out, the state is investigating him!!!! So they interviewed me today.  I can't help but be triggered.  I don't want to talk about adults taking advantage of kids... I try to close the doors but the intrusive thoughts and my own memories come back to me.  I see young me being taken advantage of and I can't seem to turn the loop off.

Later my neighbor was upset with my son.  She has a 5 and a 4 year old and my son is 5. The kids kept roughhousing when we told them not to.  My parenting is very different than hers.  She's loud and spanks.  I do not spank and I don't scream at my kid.  So yeah we left and she sent me an angry text saying she was upset over my son's behavior.

Too much stress for 1 day. It's bubbling up and I'm having trouble.

Love you all! Any support would be appreciated

You are giving your son what he needs. Spanking doesn't work, imo. Yelling and spanking are just more stressors that a child doesn't need. Maybe in time your neighbor will see that you have a better idea of how to parent. Regardless, she's not your job but your son is.  :yes:

You're speaking up for what's right. The discomfort and fear is what keeps more adults from getting involved and defending the powerless. I wish I'd had someone like you in my corner when I was a kid. ❤️

Deep Blue,
Thank you for having the courage to report the coworker with an inappropriate relationship with a student. Understandable that it has been triggering for you. You did the right thing.  :hug:

Your son's behavior is your business, not your neighbor's. Keep trusting yourself in your parenting.

After such a stressful day I hope you are able to self-soothe with a blanket, cup of tea, or whatever brings you comfort.

Deep Blue-

As you know, violence toward a child either makes them violent or fearful or both.  You are doing fine with your little boy.  I was raised by parents who hit me (well, my father did) and it did not make me respect him, only fear him.  Boundaries can be reinforced in ways that don't involve physical pain.  When someone hits a person, they have already lost the battle. 

Yes, soothe yourself tonight.  Take care of the young one inside.  And as was already mentioned, a huge thank you for turning in the teacher who was inappropriate.  I had that happen to me, too.  It's icky and life altering.

Jdog, notalone, 3R
Thanks for the validation my non yelling and non hitting approach to parenting. 

Notalone you hit on something so true! So many people seem to act as if my family life is their business! I always hear... oh you don't want him to be an only child! Come on don't you want another one? Don't you want a little girl? I've even had people pull aside my son and ask him if he'd like a little brother or sister! I find that so infuriating!

I try to defend myself saying that I had a really rough pregnancy.  Then I always seem to hear "well every pregnancy is different" My reasons to not have a child are my own! I don't feel like I can't  be truly honest. I can't say, well I'm not mentally healthy enough to go through it again. I can't deal with the postpartum.

I had a dream last night that I was eating a cheeseburger that was completely raw on the inside.  I think I have some raw emotions going on here.

Phew rant over

 :hug:

Hi Deep Blue, that's a lot to walk through.  Huge respect for standing up for a student and being able to follow through when action was taken by the school. That's huge. I understand how triggering that must have been. You did it. You are amazing.

It's always been interesting to me that mostly, the people in my life were the parents of the children in my boys class at school or the neighbors with the child my son wanted to play with, even though we basically had nothing in common. It's tough to navigate, but it also is clear to me you are protecting your child and it sounds like your neighbor was wanting to rage on you with her angry text, since you wouldn't allow your son to be raged on.  Sounds like awesome parenting to me.

I'm wondering if when folks say inappropriate things to you about your life choices regarding more children, you could just reply something like--I'm not able to have more children. And leave it at that. It isn't any of their business. They then can wonder why, if they've over-stepped and possibly have a moment of checking themselves for their thoughtless statement.  One can hope.

Sorry for writing so much in your journal.  Glad you're here Deep Blue.

Oh sweet MoonBeam,
You don't have to apologize for writing too much in my journal. Though I've not known you that long, I do know that I very much take what you say to heart.  I appreciate you. What you say is valuable to me so thank you.

Thanks for the hug Jdog!  :hug: back to ya darling.

I think I had a breakthrough today.  I was thinking of why this teacher chose that student to have an inappropriate relationship with. I thought about how she had less money, wanted to feel older, felt more isolated than most. These are probably things that a predator would see and their mouths would water.  This teacher CHOSE her!

Then I thought about my own abuse.  I have never really spoke about who my abusers were on the forum.  I suppose I've always been a bit embarrassed.  I worried that people would look down on me and think that I could have left... that I brought the abuse on myself. (Ugh... "you brought this on yourself" is still a triggering phrase for me)

Deep breath... ok here goes...
I was abused by my former best friend and her family. You really couldn't write this stuff  :no:  It took over a year for them to groom me but eventually I became their punching bag, their * object and their scapegoat.

But this whole thing with the teacher made me realize something... It wasn't cuz of my own stupidity that this happened.  It's because they chose me.  They saw someone desperate for love and attention.  Someone that was ignored in her own family because she would never measure up... devalued for being a female. So they chose me... they chose me and groomed me accordingly.

I didn't bring it on myself after all

QuoteI didn't bring it on myself after all

No, you didn't.  :hug:

You didn't bring the abuse on yourself any more than I brought on the inappropriate behavior of my college professor.  And I blamed myself because I could have refused, but didn't because I was starved for male approval and had a fairly distant father.  Lots of shame over lots of years. 

Thanks for sharing about your abusers.  I hope you feel lighter.

There's an awful lot of packaging in these last entries, none comfortable, some of it hidden within cloaks of silence for so long.

Yet it's usually the abusers running off into the sunset (or some other escape metaphor), leaving us to try and absorb what happened to us, along with the baggage of self-blame and feelings of if-only-I-hadn't; shouldn't have, my fault.

The packaging lies all around, and we're the last ones left for the cleanup; it's scream or more likely cry time too. There's very little in life that can leave us so stranded, wounded, and mostly just sad and lonely, and yet generous enough to go the self-blame route; anything towards shedding this pain.

The only reason I've ever figured for that is that so many times the abuse itself was so intolerable, so unbelievable, there literally is no reason at all. We want to walk, no--run--away, and it just seems so much, and so we self-blame.

I hope we all can take in what's going on here, with the self-blame so persistent as to nearly destroy what the abusers set in motion.  While the hurt parts seem to stick like glue, the real relief comes at seeing those distant forms we once knew (and feared) as abusers fading ever further, finally realizing that we can talk about it, even if we once were convinced we couldn't. Hard as that is, we find it too has a name -- recovery. I hope we come to know that not just as a comfort, but regard it as a strength of the toughest part -- survival itself. Maybe it's not about winning or losing, but knowing that this survival feeling came from our own being and has built through our own strong hearts.   :grouphug:

Quote from: Deep Blue on June 14, 2019, 09:50:08 PMThen I thought about my own abuse.  I have never really spoke about who my abusers were on the forum.  I suppose I've always been a bit embarrassed.  I worried that people would look down on me and think that I could have left... that I brought the abuse on myself. (Ugh... "you brought this on yourself" is still a triggering phrase for me)

Deep breath... ok here goes...
I was abused by my former best friend and her family. You really couldn't write this stuff  :no:  It took over a year for them to groom me but eventually I became their punching bag, their * object and their scapegoat.

But this whole thing with the teacher made me realize something... It wasn't cuz of my own stupidity that this happened.  It's because they chose me.  They saw someone desperate for love and attention.  Someone that was ignored in her own family because she would never measure up... devalued for being a female. So they chose me... they chose me and groomed me accordingly.

I didn't bring it on myself after all

Deep Blue,
I think it was brave for you to share that with us. No, you did not bring it on yourself. It was not your fault. They took advantage of someone vulnerable. Sending you a tender, compassionate hug.  :hug:

Thanks Three Roses,
It was a huge revelation to me and I'm trying to hold it close to my heart. I see my T tomorrow and I'm gonna tell her about it.  Also thanks for your support. I really can't adequately support how much it means to me  :hug: thanks.

Jdog,
You are right.  Just cuz we didn't refuse does not mean it was right.  People in positions of power, or older than us... it was confusing and they took advantage of our confusion and our need for some kind of validation.

Woodsgnome,
You always are able to put things in perspective in such an eloquent way . I think what you say rings true for other leftovers from the abuse as well.  By blaming myself it meant that I was responsible... and if I was responsible, than I can somehow prevent it from happening again.  But the truth is... the abuse was their choice and I was ripe for the picking.  Just cuz I didn't bring it on myself doesn't mean it will happen again.  Thanks for being you  :grouphug:

Notalone,
Thanks for the validation.  I was vulnerable and didn't even know it.  So yeah, thanks very much for the hug. One back to you  :hug:

Oh Deep Blue. Thank you for sharing. That was really brave and you are so right! The abuse you suffered was not your responsibility in any way. The choosing, the grooming, the abuse was all so calculated, covert and cleverly crafted to trap us and keep us accessible and what felt like complacent in some instances. It's really sad and the people who hurt us are the one's who are to blame.  What an amazing breakthrough.
It's a hard thing to let go of, self-blame, part of the conditioning and shaping I assume. Your words are inspiring as this has been pretty prevalent for me lately too.

Wanted to send a  :hug: and thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate you.

Hi DeepBlue,
Just wanted to pop by and send you a heartfelt hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug:

Thanks for sharing deep blue. :hug:

Hi all,
Well MoonBeam, now I'm trying to build on that revelation. I don't have to take responsibility for it happening... but maybe I can take responsibility for my healing?

Tough session today.  We are back to exposure. Problem with my triggers is that if I expect to see them, I'm usually ok. It sort of needs to catch me off guard.

My friend on the forum made a really good point to me today.
**** Trigger Warning*** PA




That belt is not what hurt me. The trunk of the car is not what hurt me.  It was the abusers that hurt me. So I have that in my mind as I try to move forward

End trigger warning ********

So my T wants me to read a book.  I guess this book has a particular graphic scene in it that is one of my triggers. She wants me to read the whole book, not just that scene.  So I won't be startled... I know it will be coming but yeah I'm still scared.  My mind goes crazy sometimes and I'm dragging my feet a bit and have not picked up the book.  So yeah...

I'm scared... I wish I was more brave.  I know I need to keep moving. I know in the future I would love to not be thrown sideways by seeing a belt on the floor... I'm just scared of it still though.... what if this stuff makes me backslide?

Ah, Deep Blue, I am sorry you are so afraid.  But you seem to have a good enough ability to both trust your therapist and also to handle some of life's challenges.  Remind yourself of times you have been brave and that the bravery has paid off.  I expect you won't have to think very hard in order to come up with an example or two.

Exposure can be hard, like jumping into icy water.  But you are capable of bouncing back from any shock which arises.  I believe in you. :hug:

First of all, I'm really happy to see you using the words for the objects. That's progress!  :applause:

You say you wish you were more brave, but bravery cannot exist where there is no fear. You are already more brave than you know. Someday you will see just how brave you've been, and how brave you are.

And if it that book does throw you for a loop - well, it's not how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get back up. What's that quote - "They tried to bury us, but they did not know that we were seeds."

And this poem also comes to mind, for you -

You are not your abuse.
You are not what they did to you.
You are not your trauma.

You are the cleverness that survived.
You are the courage that escaped.
You are the power that hid and protected a tiny spark of your light.

You will fan that spark into a bonfire of rage and love,
and with it you will burn all their lies to ash.

(I can't find the author of that poem :()

I want to second 3R facing fear is hard but if you trust your therapist then don't let your fear keep you down and keep you from over coming.  Taking control and getting back up will one baby step at a time on the healing journey. :grouphug:

QuoteIt is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat

This quote by Roosevelt lifts me up when I am scared. But more importantly when it bothers me that I am scared and question my bravery. I hope it can give you a little comfort too.
Because you are brave. You are in the arena fighting.

Jdog,
Yes you are right! Exposure is similar to jumping in icy water. I'd rather just check the temp with my foot but the point of this assignment is that I jump in.  I went and got the book and began it today. I'm not that far yet, but I do like the author.

3R thanks sweetie,
Yes I had to take a deep breath but yes I am using words for the offensive objects.  It's all part of the process right?  :bigwink:  thanks for noticing.  It just shows how well you have come to know me my dear.  :hug:

Tee,
Thanks for your supportive words.  They are much appreciated.

Sceal,
Wow I have missed you! I love how you just speak to my heart.  That post was just perfect.  It gives me strength too and I'm so grateful you shared it with me.  Thanks for all you are honey  :hug:

——————————————
Busy but productive day today.  I was up early and went for a run.  The sun was out and I was able to clear my head a bit. 

Then I went to the library and got the book and went grocery shopping.

I even started reading the book a bit.  Tomorrow I am looking forward to as well. Haircut for my son in the morning then rock painting together! Fun fun!

Feeling positive today and stronger  :)

Painting rocks is fun they hide them on trails and stuff around where I'm from for people to find.  My kids love finding them and re-hiding them.

Glad today was better! :cheer: :cheer:

Keep moving forward one step at a time. :hug:

Running in the morning is definitely the most cathartic thing I get to do, and I am happy that you had that joy today as well.

You sound positive and energized.  I'm so happy for the change in your inner weather.

Quote from: Deep Blue on June 27, 2019, 01:13:16 AM
I went and got the book and began it today. I'm not that far yet, but I do like the author.

Brave step.
Have fun rock painting!

 :bighug:

sweetie,

i remember when you had to summon up the courage to even begin writing a journal here.  now, as 3r mentioned, you're to the point where you are naming those objects.  you've come a long way in a short time.  that takes bravery.  this next phase of your recovery, too, will be met w/ that same bravery you continue to show, not only to us but to yourself.  you can trust it, it's part of you that you just weren't familiar w/ before - at least, that's how i see it. 

and we're here to help support you, help you to know your bravery even when you're not feeling it.  good luck w/ the book - i hope it's helpful for you.  i thought that was an interesting concept, to read that now so you won't be startled later.  your t seems to definitely be looking out for you, helping you make progress w/ care.  sending love and a hug full of courage to draw on whenever you need it.

Hey Deep Blue,  Just wanted to say I'm so glad you are feeling positive and stronger. It does seem often this journey is about building resiliency. And so good to see how much progress has been made on your path to recovery.

I'll be thinking of you as you make your way through the book. You are so brave and you are strong.   :hug:

I just want to second what San said. So well put! You've come far, Deep Blue.  :hug:

Tee,
Our rocks turned out really awesome! Too awesome maybe? My son doesn't want to give them up.  He loved his ninja turtle rocks too much to hide them.

Jdog,
I really wanna run tomorrow morning but the weather is supposed to be really hot and also rainy... so to be continued.

Not alone,
Rock painting was fun for both of us. I'd like to do it again some time.

Hey San,
Thanks for the encouragement. It's always good to get other people's perspectives in healing. Your especially  :hug:

MoonBeam,
Started the book and I'm afraid I'm not doing that well today.  Didn't sleep last night... kinda wondering what to do... keep reading? Give it a break? I dunno.

Sceal,
Thanks friend. Your support is so validating to me. Love ya!
——————————-
Not doin that well today.  :Idunno:

Started the book a couple days ago... got to an awful part yesterday and then put it away.  Didn't sleep well at all last night.

I tossed and turned and had flashback nightmares.  I'm hoping for some solid sleep tonight.  One of the nightmares I had last night was me sitting in bathtub hiding.  Is was an emotional mess and calling my T in the dream.  Due to the holiday, Im not seeing her this week.  I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.  I felt alone.

My husband knows now... but I still don't feel ready to go to him... so I'm just in a strange place today.  Any insights welcome  :Idunno:

hey, sweetie,

from what you've said, this is not a fun book, and you're not reading it for enjoyment.  it seems that you may want to take a break from it till you re-stabilize.  cowering in a bathtub, well, sounds like you're desperate for some protection.  i don't know the issues that are being talked about while you're reading, but it does sound like you are reacting negatively to them.  i think it's ok to put it down for a bit.  as someone else was saying, pushing yourself over the edge usually does not end well.

take a breath, inhale, exhale, what do you want to do?  'you' and 'want' are the operative words here.  this is your recovery, your pace.  you know you best of all.

sending lots of love and a hug filled w/ support and validation.   :hug:

Just curious what book is it?

I agree with San though especially if you can't talk with your T you might want to take a small break unless you think continuing would move you past it in the book and help you in some way.

I hope you can sleep better tonight! :hug:

My sweet San  :hug:
Yep you are right! I'm doing all I can to re-stabilize. I like how you put that.   Yep that's the plan and the goal  :yes:

Tee,
The book is called "A Thousand Splendid Suns" people actually read and enjoy the author but I'm reading it as an exercise of exposure.  It has parts in it that deal with PA with the most offensive object to me. 
———————————————
I gave up and texted my T today. I told her I'm done and not reading it anymore. I told her I tried.  She wants me to keep going. I argued that it's the nightmares and that I basically get zero sleep!!! She asked how that was different than most nights?

I said my sleep is choppy but I sleep! I got none! Zip! Zero after this book!!! She offered to talk me down tonight if k wake up from nightmares.  It was sweet but I'm not doing that. Honestly, I'd rather not talk to anyone during or after a panic attack.... not sure why I deny help... she wouldn't offer if she didn't mean it right?

Deep breaths... just trying to keep on keeping on today

 :hug: :hug: Good for you to say what you're able to tolerate!

I was interested in your dream where you're in a bathtub. I'm very intrigued by the imagery of dreams. I thought of cleansing, warmth, safety, and nurturing when I thought of your tub dream. It's like you knew where to hide, even in your dreams, for the best result.

But if your t thinks it best to continue exposing you this way, maybe you could reach some sort of compromise... Like, a few minutes of peaceful relaxation, followed by a paragraph or page, followed by some music or a walk. Just my 2 cents. Remember that you are brave and strong! 💪

She wouldn't offer if she wasn't willing deepblue.  You know you though if it's too much then slow down.  I've been functioning in 4 or less hours of sleep for about 4 years now.  And those for hours are riddled with flashbacks and nightmares so I feel your pain.  If your T is willing to walk with you through this I would give it a try.  But don't push too hard.  I just know I would be willing to try just about anything to get back to a restful nights sleep.  Feel my love  :hug:

Blue-

I have no way in which to form an opinion which would count in this situation, but I am sending you oodles of support and love.  Let us know how it goes tonight. 

Be true to yourself, that's about all any of us can do. :grouphug:

Deep Blue. I want to say how brave you are, how strong and amazing for even giving this a go. You are showing up even though it is so scary and unsettling. You have persevered through feeling destabilized and there is great strength in that. Only you know when you have reached your limit and you get to say when that is. That does't mean you can't pick up the book again after a rest or break if that's what will help you gain insight, strength and healing.

Part of this journey in healing is being courageous in trying new and scary things, and it is also knowing our boundaries--considering we weren't allowed to have any in our abuse, that's huge, and forging ahead in ways we feel held and safe. That feels really important. We want to take our power back, to reclaim our right to be, to feel safe and worthy walking in this world, this life.

My T offered to have a phone session with me today while she's on vacation--so many big feels about that. Why can't I make it through the week, blaa blaa-inner critic. Truth is, she knows her boundaries and would not offer extra care if she could not give it. If its what we need to make it through deep work--like you are doing, maybe accepting is the best way forward. It will be different and different seems the way to realign those neural pathways that developed in such unhealthy ways during the abuse we suffered. We deserve support especially when we are forging through new territory.

Just wanted to you to know I am standing with you, reveling in your bravery and courage no matter what that looks like. Big loving  :hug:

Hi Deep Blue,
I am also standing with you  :grouphug:  It sounds like a very tough thing to do, reading that book, when it is so triggering to you.  Sending you some gentle and hopefully soothing balms to protect you.  I honestly don't know why I've written that, but it came into my mind - so I'm leaving it there.  I hope that you will be ok, and I would like to send you a hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

3R,
I've been trying to give myself breaks from reading the book when it's too triggering.  I can typically keep it together while reading, it's just at night.  Good news is, I took an hour nap today with no nightmares! I'll take it  :yes:

Thanks Tee,
Yeah I'm just reluctant to "need" my T. Does that make sense? I mean I've been with her for 3 years! I get frustrated cuz I feel like I should be further along.  My rational brain knows it's just an object... but my fight or flight kicks in anyway  :Idunno:

Jdog,
All your opinions count to me! Thanks for the support always. I woke up at 1:30 last night and that was about it. Didn't get back to sleep till about 2 hours later... and even then it was choppy. I could have texted my T... but I didn't. I can't even explain why.

MoonBeam,
Yes you are right. It's new territory and it's super scary to me.  You may be right about the reason I'm not contacting my T. Maybe it is my inner critic? Similar reasons.... hmmm

Hey Hope,
I think I know exactly why you wrote that. You are actually right on too! A balm for the body memories that get stirred up by this book may be just the ticket.

———————-
Did a 5k this morning. It was the most tired I've ever been for a race. I was dragging hard.

Then I came home and we were headed back to the race for a parade and festival.  Unfortunately my husband was in one of his moods. It's hard when my T encourages me to go to him for support when he's acting like that.  He was rude and yelled and I find it triggering. And do I tell him? Nope! Feeling so drained today and that I don't have support where I need it

Quote from: Deep Blue on July 04, 2019, 09:21:06 PM
Yeah I'm just reluctant to "need" my T. Does that make sense? I mean I've been with her for 3 years! I get frustrated cuz I feel like I should be further along. 

I get this. I feel guilty when I email my T.  I hate that I count the days until I see him. Hate that I need him so much.

Quote from: Deep Blue on July 04, 2019, 09:21:06 PM
Did a 5k this morning. It was the most tired I've ever been for a race. I was dragging hard.

Then I came home and we were headed back to the race for a parade and festival.  Unfortunately my husband was in one of his moods. It's hard when my T encourages me to go to him for support when he's acting like that.  He was rude and yelled and I find it triggering. And do I tell him? Nope! Feeling so drained today and that I don't have support where I need it

No surprise that you were tired. You haven't been sleeping well, you are emotionally strained, and ---don't know where you live----but many areas are very hot and humid. Congratulations on completing the race.  :cheer:
Sorry your husband wasn't able to be giving to you today.

I get not wanting to need your T but we all need help and that's what they are there for. 

Ok so little side story so when I pregnant with both my kids I didn't really have morning sickness to bad with either of them lucky I know.  The weirdest thing was the bright blue Christmas lights made me nauseous. Like the worst kind.  Now at the time my trauma was still well repressed and boxed up. Every year since those lights have bothered me.  My kids are 11 and almost 7.  Fast forward to when I started dealing with my past there's a horrific memory attached to only being able to light with a bright blue hue to it. I was being triggered before I knew I had issues is was the only thing that made me sick.  They still trigger me and for the most part I've work through that trauma faced it I know they are just stupid lights.  It didn't change the fact that they were used to in such a manner that I will always have scars from them.

Like you with whatever it is you are dealing with. You can face it deal with the trauma get to the point that is not as severe, but it may always bother you. 

I can at least drive at Christmas time now for a while I couldn't cause if I saw those lights I was so badly triggered I was no longer in the present.  I now can breathe through it advert my eyes and move past it.  I don't get sucked in. Sometimes I'll have flashbacks later but I'm trying.

Sorry for the long example, just wanted to say it's not stupid to be triggered by an object that you can logically say it's just a ... Cause for you it's not just that. Give yourself some grace and time to heal. Everything takes longer than we want.  Big hug if that's ok. :hug:

hey, sweetie,

sorry that your hub isn't reliable for you to be able to go to for support.  i wish it were different.

it sounds to me like you have some topics for discussion w/ your t next time you see her.  i think it might be helpful for both of you - it might trigger some insight for you, and help her more thoroughly understand you and what you go thru, which would in turn help her know more clearly how to continue helping you move forward.  just an opinion.

i didn't realize you were having body memories triggered from reading this book.  that sucks!  have you told your t about that?  that it's not just mental/emotional memories?  and, to my mind, the reason we go to a t in the first place is because we need someone w/ more knowledge about how to keep battling and winning.  you've made plenty of progress in the past 3 yrs.  who are you comparing yourself to?  or, who do you think is doing the comparing?  would that be an inner critic thing? 

that 'fight or flight' thing, isn't that amygdala hijacking?  you have no control over that.  the wound needs to be healed enough, from what i understand, before the amygdala gets the message.  i remembered being triggered by a t just 2 yrs. ago, it was instantaneous.  i said something, she said something that kind of contradicted what i said, and boom!  i was back to being about 5 yrs. old.  that authority figure stuff is something i've worked on for years and years.  yet, it didn't take much.  i did talk to her about it after i worked thru it (5 days later), she backtracked a bit.  but i was surprised at how quickly it came, like i was blindsided.  i would've never guessed that would have happened.

please, give yourself a break and don't be hard on yourself.  you are working hard, you are making progress (isn't that what the title of your journal is all about?), and that all counts.   it's ok to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to 'need' someone as you go thru this.   the client is never wrong or bad.  the assignment may be too much at the time and may need to be broken down into smaller pieces.   your system is taking care of you as best it can.

sending love always, and angel wings to bat away those memories as they show up. 

QuoteGood news is, I took an hour nap today with no nightmares! I'll take it  :yes:

:applause:

Not alone,
Yes not sleeping well is such a huge thing for me.  It seems to snowball when I don't get enough sleep.  I wonder if those of us with cptsd need more sleep? I dunno... just a thought.

Tee,
That's a really good example for the Christmas lights.  I'm sorry it's my favorite color though ha ha.  Yeah that's my goal. I want to be able to avert my eyes and move past it. I want to not get bucked off the horse if I stumble across the offensive objects.  It's bound to happen in life and it's knocked me down quite a few times.

San,
Thanks for reminding me about my journal title ha ha.  Yes you are right. If you say I've been working hard, then it must be true.  I bet it is an inner critic thing... I'm not sure who I'm comparing myself to? Just everyone?  I just wish I could fast forward to a couple of those wounds being healed enough ya know?

3R,
I slept last night!!!! Yay!
—————————————————
Glad to get a good nights sleep. I didn't have any flashback nightmares and didn't wake up soaked in sweat! Quite the improvement for the last few days.

I did have a strange dream though. I dreamt that my husband was in the waiting area outside my T's office. He asked what I was doing there. I said I came to see him.  I was hiding the fact that my T was in the office.  So out came my T and she was with 2 people. She was with 2 boys but they were younger.

She let me sit at a table next to her while meeting with these 2 boys. It was strange, kinda like they were filling out paperwork as a first assessment. I just sat at the table on her side with my head buried in my arms. She wasn't acting like herself... not like she usually is. She was acting more like a parent or friend.  She was assessed these 2 boys but gently rubbing my back in the dream.  (That is so not our relationship as she is a constant professional that would never touch me)

Anyway I'm glad to have gotten sleep. Not sure what the dream meant??

Quote from: Deep Blue on July 05, 2019, 02:05:18 PM
I slept last night!!!! Yay!
—————————————————
Glad to get a good nights sleep. I didn't have any flashback nightmares and didn't wake up soaked in sweat! Quite the improvement for the last few days.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Interesting dream.   :) My T doesn't touch me either, which is hard for me sometimes because touch is a way that I feel cared for. I'll let you take it from there!  :hug:

hey,

so glad you slept!!!   :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  so important.  i don't know if c-ptsd'ers need more sleep.  i know that i do, or it seems like i do cuz i don't get a full amount during the night, so naps are the way i make up regular sleep time i've missed.  but, it could be that because we're working so hard mentally and emotionally, we just may need, at least more rest, than someone not working that hard.

interesting dream.  were you lying to your hub in it?  i wonder if you're getting ready to look at some childhood stuff, which would be the younger boys.  hmmm . .. .  don't really know, tho.  just a thought.  is that type of touching something you'd want from your t? 

i'm with notalone on the touching - i always appreciated a hug when a session was finished.  it felt like a closure and a way that i felt real in the relationship. 

keep going, sweetie.  sounds like you're making progress.  it's wonderful!  sending love and a hug full of joy for you!   :hug:

I never wanted to be touched by my therapists. The one time I did was my very last visit with a beloved, gifted t before I moved away from that area.

I also need more sleep than average - or is it just that our whole culture under emphasizes the need for adequate sleep?🤔

Maybe finding your h in the waiting room means that you are feeling vulnerable with him knowing more details about your background? And I wonder who or what those two boys represent - are they younger versions of your husband?

I want to rush my healing, I think that's a common desire. But if we do too much too soon we can sabotage it. Go easy, my friend, you'll get there soon enough.

On days that I'm feeling vulnerable, I like to slip rocks, little "totems", into my pocket, or purse or whatever. Reminders that I'm strong enough. If they're in my pocket I can feel them there as a gentle reminder. I've always loved stones, even as a kid. It helps me, I've heard other friends say it helps them too. One friend makes jewelry from stone beads like jasper or amethyst. That way she can both see and feel the symbolic strength. Just an idea.  :hug:

Much love and admiration to you -

Yeah for sleep! :cheer:
I hope you have a great day.  Keep moving forward. I'm sure you got this! :hug:

I, too, am sorry you cannot count on your husband when things are rough for you.  I have some experience with that type of situation myself, although things are better these days (not perfect, but better).  Hang in there, be gentle with yourself.

Great job running a 5k while going through all that you have been through lately.  I'm impressed!  :hug:

Notalone,
I'm funny about people touching me. I do have people that are constantly intruding on my bubble.  Certain places are fine... My lower back is forever a no no.

San and 3R
Hmmm yeah I'm not sure who the younger boys would have represented? They were a different race than my husband so I don't think they were a younger him or me? Yes I was hiding and lying to my husband in the dream.  I dunno, I do feel like I need to look into it a bit more.

3R I like the totem idea. I have one at school that has the word Hope on it.  Maybe I need to find a piece of nature that speaks to me and carry that?  It's a lovely concept. I'm gonna give it a try  :yes:

Tee,
Thanks for the support sweetie!

Jdog,
Yeah, I'm forever gun shy to tell my husband my real emotions.  He can be very hot and cold and that's rattling to me.  I'm used to kinda suffering in silence when I'm down and even though he knows I have cptsd now.....he doesn't know why... hasn't asked... never asks... how you doing? Nothing
————————————-
Lack of sleep and overdoing it has caught up to me I'm afraid. My body is achy and I'm sick. I hope it's just a quick summer cold.  The body aches are so hard though.

I'm supposed to play some tennis this afternoon but luckily it's inside in the air conditioning. 

Right now I'm relaxing and watching some Wimbledon. 

:grouphug: love you all!

 :grouphug:

please take care of yourself.  overdoing is one of my worst symptoms, i think.  very difficult to just sit back and heal.

my totem is feathers - i find them as i walk, put them in various places around the house.  i was also given a painted rock by a dear friend that sits next to my bed and has often reminded me to 'trust the magic', allow the process to unfold, stop worrying and have faith.   they all remind me that there's more to me than meets the eye, more to life than my attempts to control it.  i hope you find something that speaks to you.

enjoy the tennis, both on tv and while you play today.  sending love and a hug full of healing.   :hug:

 :hug:

Hope you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself.

😩😩😩😩😩
Thanks for the well wishes everyone... had something really knock me this afternoon.

****Trigger warning mention of unwanted sexual advances *****



Back in November a coworker got really drunk and started hitting on me.  It was hard because he is married and I am married. He was in a dark place and I was worried about him doing something rash. 

Either way that night he sent me inappropriate texts and was starting to get handsy with me.  I came home that night having escaped an uncomfortable evening.  I told my husband everything.

My husband read the texts and said it wasn't my fault at all. So I kept my distance from the coworker for the rest of the year....

Good news was also that the coworker has been moved to a different building next year.

Well this afternoon the coworker messaged me through Facebook. May I also mention he unfriended in December after that night.

Well here is what he messaged me today:
I was told recently you were upset about a text I sent last year.  I wanted to let you know I would never send anything inappropriate on purpose.  If I did, it was because alcohol was involved and I certainly didn't intend to be that way.  I'm not that type of person.  It bothers me you didn't simply say something to me about it, I could've easily apologized or cleared it up back then.  Anyhow, I am truly sorry if I said something offensive, like I said, would never do that intentionally in a normal state of mind.  I had no idea this even happened.


😤😭😨😱
I have so many mixed emotions here.  I feel like his message is only a half apology and that I'm being gas lighted!!! My inner critic is telling me I'm being too sensitive, that I should just accept his apology and move on...

Which is right? Should I be upset? Is my inner critic right? Where do I go from here?

Personally I would say ok thank you, but still keep my distance. You haven't lost anything in the year you have not had contact with him you don't need him.  Alcohol is not a good excuse for bad behavior.  Jerks are still jerks with our without alcohol it just makes it more obvious at least in my experience.

I would not rush back into any kind of relationship with him. If you feel you need to respond I would simply say thank you for your apology and leave it at that.

Good luck with whatever you decide.  I wouldn't give an opening to allow further discomfort or hurt. :grouphug: :hug:

Whatever you feel is okay. You did not do anything wrong in the way that you handled this initially. In fact, you handled it with wisdom. Him being upset that you didn't talk to him when this happened is HIS problem, not yours. You have no responsibility to respond to his email. If it is best for you to respond, fine; if it is best to ignore it, fine. No need to do anything in a hurry either. Also, I just re-read his response and it does sound like a sort-of apology without taking responsibility for his actions. Trust yourself, Deep Blue.

 :yeahthat:

hey,

did you show this to your husband?  maybe he'd want to respond, tell the guy to leave you alone.  if not, that's ok, too, but i see nothing here that shows accountability, therefore, to me, the apology is invalid.  plus, he tried to turn it on you, that YOU should have said something to him,  :blahblahblah:.  that's not right, it wasn't on you.  he put you in a horrible situation, he did it, but i see no responsibility here.  as tee said, alcohol is no excuse for bad behavior. 

sorry this happened.  i don't think you owe him anything, not a response, not a minute of time or energy.  i have a feeling that with people like this, any response will be a message that you are approachable and might be willing to engage with him again.   this sounds like a hoover maneuver - trying to suck you back in.   i hope you never have to have contact w/ him again.  sending love and strength to you, sweetie.   :hug:

QuoteAlcohol is not a good excuse for bad behavior.  Jerks are still jerks with our without alcohol it just makes it more obvious at least in my experience.

I would not rush back into any kind of relationship with him. If you feel you need to respond I would simply say thank you for your apology and leave it at that.

QuoteYou did not do anything wrong in the way that you handled this initially. In fact, you handled it with wisdom. Him being upset that you didn't talk to him when this happened is HIS problem, not yours.

Quotedid you show this to your husband?  maybe he'd want to respond, tell the guy to leave you alone.  if not, that's ok, too, but i see nothing here that shows accountability, therefore, to me, the apology is invalid.plus, he tried to turn it on you, that YOU should have said something to him,  :blahblahblah:.  that's not right, it wasn't on you.

Some really awesome insights here!  :applause:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 07, 2019, 04:26:56 AM
did you show this to your husband?  maybe he'd want to respond, tell the guy to leave you alone.  if not, that's ok, too, but i see nothing here that shows accountability, therefore, to me, the apology is invalid.  plus, he tried to turn it on you, that YOU should have said something to him,  :blahblahblah:.  that's not right, it wasn't on you.  he put you in a horrible situation, he did it, but i see no responsibility here.  as tee said, alcohol is no excuse for bad behavior. 

sorry this happened.  i don't think you owe him anything, not a response, not a minute of time or energy.  i have a feeling that with people like this, any response will be a message that you are approachable and might be willing to engage with him again.   this sounds like a hoover maneuver - trying to suck you back in.   i hope you never have to have contact w/ him again. 

:yeahthat:    :hoovering: :hoovering:

I agree with your judgement Deep Blue that it sounds like gaslighting.

"he tried to turn it on you, that YOU should have said something to him,  :blahblahblah:" my older B did this to me too, and that always rankled with me until a year or two ago another mbr on here told me how inappropriate B's behaviour was. There's just nothing like blaming the victim of your actions. 

:hug: :hug: to you and here's hoping you can feel the strength and validation of the forum if that guy contacts you again.

You are all amazing!!!  :grouphug:

Thanks for helping me when I was second and third guessing myself. Thanks for the validation of what was my inner critic and what is real.  You are all wonderful.

Tee,
I like what you said.  Alcohol is no excuse for bad behavior.  I was actually trying to cheer him up and get him out of his depression that night. That's why we went out.  It was his drinking that made things take a drastic turn.

Notalone,
Yes! That's what I thought too! It's not really an apology from him... it's sorta sitting the fence. He's saying sorry I was upset... not sorry that he didn't anything wrong.

San,
I may give him a short response.  Something just like, thanks for the apology enjoy your summer.  How does that sound? Yeah my husband doesn't seem to care. He took the apology as valid and said maybe he's in a 12 step program and is reaching out for apologies.  So yeah... my husband didn't look into it the way I did.

Blueberry,
Thanks for pointing out that he turned it on me too! Like I should have brought it to him?!?!?!  Thanks for pointing out the hoovering too. It's hard to trust my mind when it's clouded with anxiety.

Jdog and 3R,
Thanks for the support.  It helps as always  :hug:
—————————————-
Yeah I managed to sleep last night so that was a win.  I'm still a bit sick and sniffly.

I may give it till this afternoon and give him a short reply.

I'm thinking
Thanks for the apology, have a great summer.

Nice keep it short and move on. :hug:

hey, just a note on 12-step apologies, which are called making amends.

they're very straightforward, the person owns their behavior, apologizes (as in, 'i'm sorry i did ...' - very specific, and never uses substances as an excuse), and is respectful.  they never turn it on the person they wronged.  this is not at all sounding like making amends. 

sorry you even have to think on this.  one extra thought - if you do decide to respond, and he takes that as an opening to write you or communicate with you again, i think that would be a very clear message that he believes he's back 'in' with you.  i'm glad you're taking some time to give this some thought.  i had a friend who, when confronted w/ situations like this, always looked past her first inclination.  she said that those were usually old messages of hers coming back to try to run the show in an unhealthy way.   

keep taking care of you.  sending love and hugs, always!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 07, 2019, 03:39:37 PM
hey, just a note on 12-step apologies, which are called making amends.

they're very straightforward, the person owns their behavior, apologizes (as in, 'i'm sorry i did ...' - very specific, and never uses substances as an excuse), and is respectful.  they never turn it on the person they wronged.  this is not at all sounding like making amends. 

:yeahthat:

All the 12 Step groups I was in were about healing emotionally / psychologically while you were learning to become abstinent from whatever addiction / compulsion / behaviour or after you attained abstinence. A non-apology of the sort you heard doesn't count. No way do you have to accept it or make allowances for this guy due to him possibly being in healing.

I'm sorry your H doesn't have your back on this Deep Blue, but at least we do!

I think I made a decision finally but I'll talk to my T about it tomorrow too.

His apology isn't really an apology.  So why should I go through the worry crafting a response? If he was going to give me a real apology he could have.  I'm just going to ignore him completely. I'm not going to respond at all.  If some point comes where he reaches out again, I'll give it a look ONLY if a real apology is attached.  Till then, I'm feeling good about my choice and looking forward to putting it to bed.

:grouphug:
Thanks San and Blueberry! Your clarification on a 12 step program gave me more information and showed me that he really didn't change and that he wasn't being sincere.  Thanks to you both.

You rock deep blue be strong! :hug:

Aw thanks Tee! You are sweet  :hug:

well done, my dear!   :thumbup:  way to go!   :applause:   :hug:

 :applause: :applause:

 :cheer:

Yep! My T agrees with me so I'm leaving the coworker be.  No response and am feeling good about that choice!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.
:grouphug:

I am supposed to do more exposure therapy starting next week. My T wanted me to start this week but I fought her on it.  Starting next week I'm supposed to do a purposeful exposure each day and track my progress.

Can I just say how much I hate this idea? I don't want to do it.  Plus! Many of my triggers have to be unexpected.  So I'm not even sure where to start?

hi Deep Blue, just wanted to say excellent decision on not engaging with your co-worker. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Blech.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for the exposure therapy. I'm glad you were able to let your T know you needed a little more time before beginning. Listen to yourself in this work--take care of you. Be as open with your T as possible about where you are at throughout it and if something doesn't feel safe.  Treatment plans are malleable and can be adjusted to be most helpful.

I've been thinking about resiliency this last week. I had a little insight I think, that building resiliency isn't about getting stronger or being able to handle more, instead its about becoming fluid with the world around me. About self compassion and self care when I'm triggered, about creating boundaries for myself where I've had none. About letting things that come up that are not in alignment with my well-being go around me or fall away--to not take it in. Not sure if that is relevant to where you are at, but seems important to share.

I'll be thinking of you. You are amazing doing such deep, brave work.

Two things I feel compelled to say -

Therapy is something that is done with us, not to us. If you feel pushed beyond your ability, I hope you remember you can say "not now" or even "no". Her feelings/reactions to this are her responsibility, you're not responsible for making her happy with your compliance. Sorry if that is over stepping the boundaries of advice! Go at your own pace. ❤️

Second thing - this is a relatively short video (7:40) and is great for tactics in dealing with Narcissists. https://youtu.be/6TSh9zTHz2k

You are awesome!  :hug:

Quote from: Three Roses on July 08, 2019, 06:35:11 PM
Therapy is something that is done with us, not to us. If you feel pushed beyond your ability, I hope you remember you can say "not now" or even "no". Her feelings/reactions to this are her responsibility, you're not responsible for making her happy with your compliance. Sorry if that is over stepping the boundaries of advice! Go at your own pace. ❤️

:yeahthat:

I've been pushed beyond my ability quite a number of times in the past, sometimes even with trauma-informed Ts. Sometimes they even ignored my "No! It's too much." It could send me spinning into really bad EFs for weeks, months even.

"Therapy done with us, not to us": exactly, 3R.  Things done to us, without our consent, against our "No" - that's going over boundaries and reminiscent of what traumatised most of us in the first place.

hey, db,

there's a reason you don't want to do this exposure stuff.  something fundamental, perhaps?  outside your conscious control?  it seems that your t keeps pushing on this, and you keep pushing back.  quite the struggle, and i'm sorry you're having to go thru this.  can you talk to her about how you're feeling about it?  i mean, besides the obvious discomfort.  something seems to be there, blocking you.  bottom line, tho, i agree w/ others that you have the right to set your boundaries in therapy. 

usually, i've found, that if something is too much or too big, it may work better if it's broken into smaller pieces.  too often we get overwhelmed when the piece we're being asked to look at, deal with, is too big for us at this time, and needs to be broken down.  i suppose that's what your t meant by telling you to start doing something on your own during the week, but it sounds like even that is too much at this point.  here's a question you may want to ponder - what would have to be different for you to be able to begin doing this on your own?  i'm not looking for an answer, just something off the top of my head.

your pace is the best pace for you, always.  best to you with this, sweetie.   i know you are really struggling with it, and have been for quite a while.  that tells me something is off, or something else needs to be done.  i don't know, just a guess.  sending love always, and a hug filled with strength of personal insight that's just for you. :hug:

I agree with everyone go at your pace. You know how much you can handle.  The struggle is being able to stand up to what sounds like a pushy T.  Good luck! :grouphug: :hug:

Deep Blue,
Well done, making a decision about your co-worker. I think you are handling it in a healthy manner.
Regarding the exposure therapy, I don't have anything to add to what others have said, but want to send you support.  :hug:

MoonBeam,
Thanks for the support.  I thought about what you said and then about what San said.  I need to be open with my T about why I'm reluctant.  I did just that last night!

3R,
You never overstep with me.  You know me well enough and it feels like you protecting me.  I love your new photo! It reminds me of one of my favorite cartoons as a kid. Jem and the Holograms  ;D. I also realized that it's that I feel alone doing exposure by myself and not in session. 

Blueberry I think you hit on exactly what I am afraid of.  I'm afraid of being alone and getting bucked into an EF.  That is what's holding me back! Thanks!

San,
So I decided what it was that was holding me back and reached out to my T last night.  I'm scared of going into an EF during this... so I told my T, I will start exposure BUT only if I can start it with her in session.  I'm too scared to do any of it alone... too many questions about how I'll handle it... but I just know if we do a little together than I can at least know what to expect  :hug:  thanks for your insights sweetie.

Tee,
My T actually isn't that pushy. I've been with her for 3 years and she knows when to push me and when not to, the problem is that I need to be open about what I think I can and can't handle.  My go to is to shut her down, so I need to be open about why I'm scared with her.

Notalone,
Thanks for the support  :hug: back to ya.  Yeah I'm actually feeling better and better about my decision not to respond to the coworker.  It really is what is best.

:grouphug:  thanks all

That's awesome I'm glad you were able to talk to your T and do what is best for you! :hug:

Really awesome insights! I'm relieved and thankful you don't feel pushed in a bad way by your t.  :cheer:

Thanks T and 3R!

3R, I forgot to tell you that I watched the video you sent me.  She's great.  I really like how she points out that I have no control of other people's perceptions of me.  If I ever respond to my coworker, or if he reaches out again to me, I can always say "I'm sorry that you feel that way." Love it! And love you!
—————————————-
The universe seems to be communicating with me lately. I've been terrified of exposure, but maybe.... just maybe... I'm able to do more than I think?  Maybe I'm stronger than I realize? I hope so...

***Trigger warning*** emotional abuse


Yesterday I was walking and I saw THE car.  I don't like mercury sables.  Luckily for me, they don't make them anymore.  I was walking and there was the car... silver colored and I walked behind it... I took a second and stared at that trunk.  I looked at the trunk that I was thrown inside of so many times.  I looked at it and thought to myself, it's just a car... it's just a car.  No one is going to put me into that trunk again.  Then I mentally gave my inner child a hug and went along.

***End trigger warning****

Yes I had nightmares last night, BUT I'm ok.  I still got sleep. I have a headache today but I'm still standing.  Maybe I can do this after all?  :yes:

 :hug: I'm so sorry that happened to you but you are stronger than you think and you did it. :cheer: :applause:

I hope today you can take some time and feel the love of your friends. :hug:

To see that car and not go totally into an EF is a really big deal. I'm so glad you gave your inner child a hug. She deserves tender care.  :hug:

 :cheer:
That is such a huge progress! You have worked so hard to get to this stage!
So proud of you, sweetheart.
Big hug

you just did your own exposure therapy, sweetie.  yeah, you're stronger than you think, for sure!  mind over matter - it can work!  love and hugs.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 10, 2019, 07:35:24 PM
you just did your own exposure therapy, sweetie.  yeah, you're stronger than you think, for sure!  mind over matter - it can work!  love and hugs.

:yeahthat:

Big congrats for the beautiful show of self care and strength. You really stepped in for your little one and all parts of you, and took some power back! Big, gentle  :hug:

QuoteLove it! And love you!

Love you, too!  :hug:

QuoteMaybe I can do this after all?  :yes:

YesYesYesYesYes!  :yes: :yes: :yes: :yes:  :yes:

I see great progress!  :hug:

 :grouphug:

Tee,
Thanks very much for the support.

Sceal,
Thanks for being proud of me.  You know my journey so if you say i have worked hard, I'm more likely to believe it  :hug:

San,
Yep maybe I'm stronger than I think... but I am feeling really run down today. I think I have been overdoing it a bit.

MoonBeam,
It's still super hard. I wish once I gave my little a hug she would calm down.  Even now when I look at my heart rate tracker the picture makes my heart rate jump.   :Idunno:  I wonder if I'm supposed to think of the trauma or not when I look at the pic? Hmmm I better ask my T.

3R,
Thanks for the hug.
————————————————
I had a strange dream the other night and it made me question if I'm overdoing it.

I dreamt that I was in the hospital.  I had overdosed in the dream.  The nurses there were asking me what happened and I told them that I had gotten my medications confused.  Then my T called on the phone and I told her the truth... I told her i had purposely overdosed.

I have been crazy busy lately...
Even today I was hoping to take a break but that's not in the cards.
First I have to run to the store
Then a bday party this afternoon
Then make dinner
Then another match tonight... and today is a lighter day for my week.

I'm bummed my girl Serena lost in the Wimbledon final too  :Idunno:

yeah, that does sound crazy busy.  i hope you'll find a way to slow that down.  you don't need to get sick.  your body will stop you if you don't, right?

too bad about serena.  funny how sports can make such an emotional difference in our lives.

i'm thinking there's really no supposed to involved when it comes to taking care of your inner child.  she's hurting from the trauma, she needs the care and concern she never got, right?  it seems to me that if that picture of her comes along carrying the trauma, it does need to be addressed.  just my opinion.  it'll be interesting to see what your t says.

you're the most important one in your life - please, never forget that.  if you don't take care of you, no one else is able to.  i hope you find a way to ease up on yourself.  sending love and a hug full of rest.   :hug:

Had a horrible horrible dream last night.  :Idunno:

Does anyone else wake up somewhere else when you have those? I woke up on the floor. I had somehow managed to get out of bed and was curled up against the wall in my room. I was soaked and the dream was so bad that I'm still a bit shaken.  I do know what triggered it so that's something I guess

so sorry to hear about your horrible dream.  curled up against the wall - a protection thing?  ugh.  i hope you can relax a bit today, let that dream wear itself out of your system.  no fun.  sending love and a hug filled w/ protection and comfort.

Hi Deep Blue,
So sorry to hear about your bad dream.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I have sometimes ended up in different parts of the room during bad nights with night terrors and nightmares, so I do very much feel for you - I usually end up back in bed though - rather than waking up in a different place.  It must be very disorientating for you and disconcerting to find yourself in a different place - I hope that tonight you can get some peaceful sleep and maybe some nice dreams.

Hope  :)

San,
Thanks for your hugs and comfort.  I'll sit with you for the afternoon and curl up for a bit if it's ok.  Oh and yes, you were correct.  The dream was me trying to protect myself... I was kinda in fetal position actually.

Hope,
I will never turn down a hug from you.  :hug: How have your nightmares been? I know you have struggled before with them.  Yeah it is disorienting to wake up on the floor when I was on the floor in my dream too! Ugh. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone in this.

Sounds like a truly terrifying dream to wake up from!  :hug:

Nervous to go to sleep tonight....

Please let me get some sleep. Protect me from the nightmares.

sending angel wings for protection.  love and hugs - i hope you sleep quietly on all levels.   :hug:

Hope you were able to sleep. :grouphug:

Ha ha,
No such luck Tee.  I'm hoping to get a chance to take a nap today. 

Bummer hopefully the nap will be great.  I always do better with naps than nights.

Trying to be on vacation with my family so struggling though which is why I'm on here this morning.  :hug:

Blue-

I've been been disconnected these past few days and see that you are struggling.  As San suggests, please go easy on yourself.  Build some restful things into your day. 

Sending love and ease. :hug:

Hi Deep Blue. I'm sorry you've been having nightmares. Not sleeping just makes things harder. It's a vicious cycle, both needing and dreading sleep.  I hear you too with being super busy. I hope you get to rest when you can. A little time carved out for self-care sounds in order.

That feeling of your heart rate jumping, I can relate. I think it's going to take some time for our littles to trust that we are in-fact in charge and we are safe. I'm not there yet. I can't seem to calm her, but at some point, if I keep showing up for her, I think she just might learn to trust me. Right now I utilize a big grandmother bear to watch over us. She is stoic and strong, but also compassionate and believes I am worth looking out for. I can lie down next to her while she keeps watch. Visualizations really help me.

I hope as hard as they are, the nightmares are somehow releasing some things for you that maybe have been stuck or hiding. You are so brave. I really admire your courage.  :hug:

Reeling this evening:

Feeling down... really down. I had a session today but I feel that depressive cloud coming back in....  I texted my T to tell her.

She messaged me back:
Do you think it's possible that you are using this as a distraction from the exposure stuff that you are wanting to avoid? You are good at distracting the cptsd with depression. I can think of times in the past when you have put yourself into a depressive episode right when we have been delving into the tough stuff

So what???? I'm doing this to myself? Is it purposeful? Does it just happen? All I know is if I do it to myself then I feel overwhelming shame and I loathe myself  :Idunno:

 :aaauuugh: I think that was worded badly.  I think because of the cptsd we self sabotage at times. Not because we intend to but because our parts are not ready to face the next scary step. As horrible as our current treachery is it familiar and thus less scary.

No self loathing no matter what you don't put yourself into EF's or depression on purpose.

Hugs deep blue! :hug:

 :aaauuugh: I agree completely with Tee, Deep Blue, I think that your therapist's text was very clumsy and badly worded. Perhaps they wrote it and sent it too quickly?

I hope you don't mind I just wanted to chip in because I recognise that piercing feeling of shame and self loathing. Whatever else, we did not choose this and do not do this to ourselves. The feelings we deal with in the aftermath are tough enough and (for me) shame is one of the worst. Be careful with it and try to be easy around it, it stinks! It will fade.. I think Tee's observation about facing a scary part is probably spot on  :)

Meantime all I can do is send some wishes of peace and calm to you, hoping that is OK.

I'm seconding SharpandBlunt in sending wishes for peace and calm.  Yes, shame and self loathing (I have LOTS of experience here) stinks and yes, it can pass eventually.  I see myself having done things in the rather recent past as a distraction from healthier/healing actions and I also have felt shame over them.  But no, I didn't do them on purpose.  They were more like conditioned responses, reactions to how the younger me was feeling.  Methods of coping.  So I guess we need to thank ourselves for at least trying something to make ourselves feel safe or normal or not so hurt. 

I forget the source of the quote, "When I knew better, I did better", but it calls to me at the moment.  Maybe Maya Angelou.....

i agree with the others.  i don't think we 'put' ourselves into these conditions, either.  our traumas often have a mind of their own and we can only continue healing our wounds until these kinds of things diminish.  sending love and hugs :hug:

Hi Deep Blue,
When I read what you've been through and how your T responded, there were parts of me that were distressed, because it's upsetting to have someone react with a suggestion of self-sabotaging - it's as if the T doesn't realise the complexity of C-PTSD, and the fact that there are likely to be many reactions and possible ways to be, and it doesn't mean someone is doing something deliberately.  Sorry - I am struggling with words here, as there's an angry part too, which is feeling angry towards the T.  But maybe she didn't think through her text to you - she didn't stop to consider things - she just sent it.

I would like to say that I hope you'll not let the text override things - and that you'll be able to talk about how you felt with your T.  Because then maybe she will understand better.  Then she can help you more.

Sending you a gentle hug of support, Deep Blue, and I hope you're ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks everyone,

Your thoughts help... but I'm still feeling terrible.  Went back to bed and didn't want to get up.  Slacked on my duties and ditched my son with my In-laws...

It hurts to smile

so very sorry you're hurting right now. 

i'm with hope - i've got a little anger thing going right now, too.

you don't have to smile w/ us - we get it.

please take care of you as best you can, ok?  love and hugs, always.   :hug:

 :hug: take care of you deep blue we are here for you. :grouphug:

Deep Blue, I'm so sorry that happened. I agree, your T was not careful with her words in her text to you. Perhaps after some reflection, she may become aware of that. Its especially hard because trust is such a hurdle to overcome with cptsd and often our T's are the only people we have come to trust. Mistakes are made. We're all human and relational ruptures happen. I've worked through one with my T. The upside is we worked through it and were able to move ahead on stronger footing after. It did take some processing though, so I encourage you to be as honest as you can, when you are ready, with how you are feeling regarding the exposure t and her communication.

I've been reading a bit about exposure therapy for trauma and like so many other modalities, there is very little out there specifically related to complex trauma. I don't think for myself, that modality would facilitate a safe environment for healing for me personally. And its' not that I think you can't do it if it's the right path for you. I totally believe you can. You've shown so much bravery and perseverance, I'm just wondering if maybe its a little too much too fast. Only you know this and you can trust your instincts around the work.

I'm really wanting to say, you have done nothing wrong. You are amazing. I'm not really sure what "distracting the cptsd with depression" means, as they pretty much go hand in hand for me. I am depressed because of my cptsd. Sorry I'm writing so much. I just really want to support you.

I want to say again, you are amazing! You are not distracting or shying away. Sounds to me like you have shown up and followed directions and really tried through all of it. You deserve credit, not admonishment. You deserve to feel safe. Healing is hard. You deserve rest right now Deep Blue and having your son spend some time with your in-laws sounds like good self-care to me. Hang in there. I'm sending lots of love  :hug:

Tee,
Thanks for the support. I do feel like cptsd makes me self sabotage sometimes.  I guess I'm becoming more aware of the patterns that lead to it now too.

SAB,
Thanks for your kind words  :hug:  I really appreciate them.  I'm trying to be easier on myself today.

Jdog,
Yes conditioned response rings true for me  :yes:  I can't help what's going to throw me into an EF... but I see the patterns of what does.

San,
Love you! Thanks for always looking out for me and steering me through.  What would I do without you?

Hope,
Thanks so much for your kind words.  My T checked on me yesterday and was able to see me again today.  We talked about what she had written.  I told her how I interpreted what she said and she's going to help me do exposure with her on Monday.

MoonBeam,
I really got scared about exposure.  We've tried it a few times and it's sent me into an EF every time.  So I finally put the pieces together and told my T, the fact that she wants me to do exposure (which is something I don't want to do) sends me into an EF because it goes back to my PA growing up.  My abuse was sometimes scheduled... so I knew something bad was right around the corner. So scheduling exposure makes me react the same way...

Does that make sense?
—————————————————-
Starting to feel better this evening.  The urge to SH is almost gone.

I'm seeing my T Monday and she promised that we could do our first step of exposure together.  I'm supposed to look at pictures of people in the trunk of cars.  Ugh... at least it's a ways away. 

:grouphug: love you all! Thanks so much for your help and support the last couple days.  It's hard to believe people care about me when I don't care for myself.. thanks for your care

Try to enjoy the rest of your week.  I agree it's hard to feel the love sometimes when I can't love myself. 

It's so much easier to care for others though.  I hope you can feel my heart felt hug.  You matter and I hope you have some peace the rest of the week. :hug:

Hi Deep Blue, I really wish you all the best and I hope next week isn't as bad as you think it's going to be! I'm cheering for you  :cheer:

I care about you! Honest! ❤️

 :hug:

That does make sense Deep Blue and that is some great work on digging in to put pieces together. They can be so illusive. I'm so glad you got to talk to your T about the communication and your path forward together in healing. I have such a hard time speaking the whole of my truth, even to my T, though she makes great effort to continually show me she's not going to judge or change her mind about me being a valued, lovable being. Really hard stuff you're walking through and you're bravely showing up.

At times "sabotage" has meant survival for me, especially when things got too scary or too real, and while I'm learning new ways of processing or integrating experiences, sometimes I rely on what is known--more by default. It's not a conscious decision. It's one way of hiding. We're still learning right?

I totally understand the dread of the terrible thing to come. Wanting to hide or run away and not being able to. My heart goes out to you. I hope your session goes well and you get all the support and love you deserve. I'm thinking of you and care about you too.  :hug:

Thinking about you this morning, DeepBlue.  Sending a  :hug:

This totally made sense to me -

QuoteMy abuse was sometimes scheduled... so I knew something bad was right around the corner. So scheduling exposure makes me react the same way...

The thing that was going to be included in the scheduled abuse is the same thing your t is asking you to face in exposure therapy, yes? So it makes total sense that having to face "it" would result in an EF. This is not something that comes from conscious thought, but from deeper/lower in the brain. It's not in how you think, anymore than a limp from a broken leg is caused by how you think.

Wanting to avoid something unpleasant is completely understandable. Your t obviously knows this. You've said in past posts that she's good about giving you the right amount of pressure to dig deeper. Hopefully this is one of those times.

I care about you.  :hug:

Tee,
Thanks very much.  I am enjoying the rest of my week.  I really am.  :yes:  I totally think it's easier to care for others than to care for ourself

Sunflower,
I'm hoping you are right.  I'm hoping that next week won't be as bad as how my mind has built it up 🤞

3R,
I know you care sweetie.  I want you to know that I care very much about you too.  Thanks for saying my rambling make sense... I wonder sometimes?? I also love that (in a similar way to my T) you manage to reassure me when I question myself.  Thanks  :hug:

Sceal & Jdog,
I appreciate you both very much too
:grouphug:

MoonBeam,
Thanks for getting it.  I am glad what I said made some sort of sense ha ha.  You are absolutely correct though... me distracting is wired that way and I don't really have control over it.  Thanks for caring, your words mean a great deal to me.  :hug:
————————————
I went to the chiropractor today and it was very needed. I have been going for about a year because of my vertigo.  The vertigo is a symptom of my Ménière's disease. It just really helps.  Today he adjusted my sinuses for the first time and it was awesome!  I know it's working because I get drainage down the back of my throat.

My match got canceled tonight! Yay! Now I can relax and just cook dinner at home instead.

Love you all! Seriously!  :grouphug:

 :cheer: yeah for relax have a good evening :hug:

Quote from: Deep Blue on July 17, 2019, 11:48:43 PM
My abuse was sometimes scheduled... so I knew something bad was right around the corner. So scheduling exposure makes me react the same way...

Does that make sense?
—————————————————-

Makes complete sense. And I am horrified that your abuse was sometimes scheduled. I will be thinking of you on Monday. You are deserving of care and kindness.  :hug:

Thanks Notalone,
I appreciate you thinking of me Monday. I'm gonna need all the good vibes I can get.
—————————————
I read something today and I felt like sharing it:  it spoke to me

We're all a little broken, but last time I checked... broken crayons still color.

 :grouphug: I'm the purple one.😜. I'll be thinking of you and sending you good vibes Monday too!
:hug:

great little gem about the broken crayons, db.  i would be pink, light pink.  shell pink, i think. 

sabotage, distraction - words used to convey something neg. about us at times, when all they are, as others have noted, are ways we've employed to protect and care for ourselves.   i think we could all rewrite that dictionary and put in some new ways to look at some of these words that have stopped us, made us doubt ourselves, limited us, or turned us around.  we do what we have to do to keep ourselves safe, always.  i believe it's as we continue to heal, repair the cracks and breaks, that we become stronger w/in ourselves, and we don't need to use these protective devices as much or as often.

sending love and a hug filled w/ being ok w/ using whatever you need to stay safe.    :hug:

QuoteWe're all a little broken, but last time I checked... broken crayons still color.

I'll be the magenta crayon! No wait - forest green! No wait... :doh: I can't choose 😂

Your crayon analogy reminds me of a quote attributed to Leonard Cohen in his song "Anthem" ;

QuoteForget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

(There is more history to this quote which can be read on Quote Investigator - https://quoteinvestigator.com/2016/11/16/light/)

Thinking of you today Deep Blue. Hope you are doing alright.  :hug:

Thinking of you hope today is going well! :hug:

Im fried, got through it mostly... too fried and not ready to talk about it yet though  :grouphug:

 :hug:☕️ rest we are with you. :hug:

 :hug:

Definitely here with you, Blue! :heythere:

I have to say, it really made me smile to hear what color crayon you would each be!  :grouphug:  I think it's pretty obvious I'd be a deep blue color  :bigwink:

3R, I see you as a forest green. 😘
———————————-
So had therapy yesterday and then just sorta mentally coasted for the rest of the day.

First we watched a video clip from the movie sixteen candles.  There is a scene where 2 "nerds" are in a trunk. The music helped and I was actually pretty good with it.  So we moved on to something more difficult.

Then we watched a YouTube video of a "social experiment". The experiment was to have a guy locked in a trunk and for him to make noise in there and see if anyone on the street would come and get him.

What got me was the muffled sound while he was in the trunk.  I never yelled when I was in the trunk (first time I pleaded a little) but that was it.  But I know that muffled sound.  I couldn't actually watch much of the clip. I kinda side eyed it a little.  The video played through.  I disconnected from it.  My anxiety peaked, but not high enough to give me a panic attack.

Last night I had a strange nightmare but luckily I wasn't in the trunk in it, so I'll take it.

Goodnight all, hopefully I sleep better tonight  :hug:

 :hug: those are big. Good luck sleeping tonight. :grouphug:

DB, I'm no expert but I see huge strides and tremendous progress. Well done, you. Well done.  :applause: :applause: :applause:

i agree w/ both tee and 3r - you are doing so well, making progress for sure.  i can relate to not making any noise - knowing me, i wouldn't have done that, either.  just waiting . . .

sleep well tonite, sweetie.  sending love and a hug full of continuous courage as you plow through all this.

Tee, 3R and San,
Thanks so much for your continued support.

Last week went by in a blur. It was so busy and I had no time at all.
—————————————
Went to therapy again today. More exposure... ugh. Today we watched a news report of a man who was hijacked and his hijackers had him in the trunk while they drove around for over an hour. Finally they were pulled over and the police let the man out.  Honestly, I was fine.  I'm not sure why? It just didn't trigger me for some reason.

Next I read an entry of my personal journal that was the first time I was in put in the trunk. That was harder for me. I had to keep stopping to ground myself, remind myself what was real and what was just words on a page... it was like I was fighting the flashbacks of being in there... I dunno, I'm ok tonight. Why isn't trauma more predictable? Why can't I know what will actually trigger me? I dunno.... feeling tired I guess.

Night all

 :applause: good job good night deep blue.  Keep working hard.  You can do it. Hugs. :hug:

Good job to keep stopping to ground yourself. You're doing really hard work.

Good night dear Deep Blue. It's no wonder you're tired, after all the hard work you've been doing. Rest well.

Deep Blue. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you. I wish you a peaceful sleep.  :hug:

I think that eventhough something first doesn't trigger you and you expect it to. It still takes a toll and it takes so much energy from you. Then when you move on to the next part that is also exposure your composure or strength or constitution has already been spent a bit and it leaves you more vulnerable for being triggered. And then it might appear whenever you least expect it because of vulnerability and perhaps exhaustion..

Exposure therapy is incredible taxing and difficult. I think it will be quite hard for a while, but soon you might notice things that bothered you big time before doesn't have quite the same effect anymore.

Deep Blue-

You are one of the most courageous people I know.  To be able to ride those waves of exposure therapy and maintain composure as you did - bravo.

I hope you slept well, dear! :applause:

Not doing so well today I'm afraid. I had a trigger last night... the very trigger I've been working on with my T.... ugh!!!!

Thanks for all your support and well wishes... I'm gonna need to read through them a few more times and try to pull some more strength from them.
———————————————-
Last night we were watching a show that streams on Netflix in the states. At the very end of the episode they had a scene where a young girl was in the trunk of a car.  She was tied up and terrified but didn't make a sound.

I didn't tell my husband I was triggered. It was at the very end of the episode so I went straight upstairs "to bed". I actually went straight upstairs and had a HUGE panic attack.   :hug:

What the heck!?!? I've been doing better with this trigger lately.  So why not this time?????

These are my theories, ANY Thoughts welcomed!!!
1. Seeing the girl in the trunk was unexpected.  It wasn't something I knew I would see like when we are doing exposure in therapy.

2. My T works hard to make sure I feel safe before doing exposure.  I do feel much safer when I'm with her.

3. This was a girl in the trunk.  The exposure we have been doing in therapy has all been guys.  I wonder if I connect to the girl more? Also she was a teenager.... same age as me when I endured this particular "punishment" from my abuser.

Again.... any thoughts welcomed please  :Idunno:

Deep Blue. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.  I too was blind-sided by a trigger last night. An image on a show I had turned on.  It brought on a flashback and immediate panic. It was unexpected and It washed over me and I had no control. So understandable that you would feel the way you do. I totally agree with your thoughts on why it hit you the way it did. It was unexpected. It was terrifying. It was more identifiable to your personal experience.

This in no way invalidates the work you've been doing in therapy. This was a different circumstance and I think your body, your being is responding appropriately, doing its thing to keep you safe. So now the question is how can you let yourself know you are in fact safe. That image you saw wasn't you. You are safe in your home. Supported and loved. If you can, "give the hurt part of you deep compassion. Try to engage in self care that sends a message that you are worthy of self care." (That is the message my T sent me last night. It helped me step into grown up me a little and start thinking of how I could take care of teen me in the middle of the avalanche.)

I'm sorry you were not able to let your H know what you were experiencing. So hard to have to hide what's going on and try to cope. I totally understand and am with you. I'm so glad you posted. What you experienced was so scary and even for those without that shared experience those images are scary.  You are so brave and strong Deep Blue. You are safe now. You are worthy of being safe and cared for.  Gentle, safe  :hug:  :hug: if that's ok.

I think all the reasons you listed for why this triggered you make sense. You did not do anything wrong by being triggered. It also doesn't negate any of the hard work you've been doing.  :hug:

Blue!

Oh my gosh I am so sorry this happened, and that you couldn't seek comfort from your spouse.  For what it's worth, I have been having panic attacks this week which are brought on by abandonment feelings when my spouse gets mad at me...so no comfort for me, either.   In terms of why you got triggered this time, I agree with your assessment.  It was unexpected, it was a teenage girl, and you were not in a therapeutic setting.  I agree with others:  This in no way invalidates the great work you have been doing.

Panic attacks SUCK!!  :hug:

 :hug: deepblue here for you keep going you are so strong.  Keep working on it.  I'm sorry we are here for you

i agree w/ everyone else, db.  being blindsided is so different than when you know it's coming.  plus, the idea of it being a teenage girl makes so much sense.  and, i, too, am sorry you couldn't find support or comfort from your hub. 

you are making progress.  when these things hit us, tho, i think they take away our grounding and sense of what we already know to be true about ourselves, and our ICr can step right in and wreak havoc w/ our perspective.  hang tough, sweetie - we're right beside you!   :grouphug:  love always.

Big warm hug to you!

I'm sorry you had to experience the trunk at all. And I'm sorry you had to re-live those memories while otherwise enjoying a show with your husband.

I think that the reasons you have listed are all likelyhoods. Maybe all together.

Hey MoonBeam,
Thanks for reminding me that it doesn't invalidate the work I've been doing. The good news is, my husband knows that I have cptsd now... bad news is, he doesn't know why and he hasn't seen me have a panic attack.  I think he would want to help but it doesn't mean that I'm ready to go to him yet.  Thanks for everything you said... it really helps  :hug:

Not alone,
Thanks for reminding me that I didn't do anything wrong to be triggered.  I kinda forget that piece when I'm in the thick of it.

Jdog,
Yep panic attacks suck.  The one thing that I try to remind myself of though is that they don't last forever. I put a poem about them on the forum and revisit it from time to time that seems to help.

Tee,
Thanks for saying I'm strong.  I don't know if I believe it, ha ha but it's nice to hear.

San,
It's not that I couldn't get support from my hub... it's that I just don't feel comfortable going to him yet.

Sceal,
Thanks for the hugs. I got sleep last night and that always seems to help.  I'm feeling much better today.

Thanks for picking me up and brushing me off everyone  :grouphug:

ooops, sorry.  i misinterpreted what you were saying. 

i'm just glad you were able to come here and share what you're going thru, allowing us to 'pick you up and brush you off'.  you so deserve support for what you're going thru.  sending love always, and a hug filled w/ support, validation, and caring.   :hug:

I'm glad you're feeling better today and I hope tomorrow brings good things to you  :grouphug:

Big hug :hug:
My H know I have PTSD with flashbacks and he wants to help and doesn't know how sometimes his trying to help is more triggering cause he makes definitive statements that tend to be controlling which trigger other issues. So I totally get the not ready to go to him yet.

Take your time I'm sure he's there for you when ready.  My H has learned to just shut up. :bigwink: sending you love keep talking to him though tell him what you need it the only way he'll know.

 :'( :hug: big hug and no words sitting with you.

 :hug:

 :hug:❤️ :hug:

There is so much pain in the world - and then there are the people who try to bring healing and hope to others who are hurting. People like you.  :hug:

 :yeahthat:

the insanity has gone mad.  i'm glad you and your friends are safe.  love and  :grouphug: 

So sorry about your student. Really difficult to deal with that loss. Also sad for the shooting.

Oh no - so sorry for this additional loss of your student.  I stand with you in mourning this person as well as the lives lost to the senseless mass shooting.  These are very trying times.   :hug:

Hey all,
I know it's been awhile but my summer has come to an end.  I go back to work tomorrow, the start of a new school year.

I've never felt less ready to go back to work.  My summer was filled with tragedy and I am just not ready to go back to the daily grind.  My hope is that I'll see my students and they will fill me with the passion that my summer was missing. 🤞

My hope is that will happen for you as well, DB.  Sending warm thoughts  :hug:

 :hug: good luck deepblue! I'm sure you will do Great!  What age do you teach?
Remember the will be excited to learn the news rules of the class and to see what new things will be about for the year? I'm sure it'll be fantastic! :grouphug:

My thoughts will be with you!

I hope that you going back to work will make everyday a little easier for you. With seeing your students again and doing what you care about.
:hug:
If it proves too hard, we'll be here to listen.
Remember you are not alone.

Back to school today,
Forgive me if I'm around here less in these upcoming weeks.

I've never felt like this before. I've never felt so alone going back to school.  My best friend is gone. She moved to be a librarian after there was a reduction in our teachers workforce. I didn't really have a good friend to sit with during our meetings. I feel sad when I think about school this year.

I see my students on Wednesday. Today was just meetings.  During 1 meeting there was 12 college credit plus teachers and the principal all yelling at each other.  I didn't say a word. I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack or throw up. I found them all yelling at each other very triggering.

Tee, I teach mostly 11th and 12th grade.

Anyway sorry if I don't respond to as many of your journals as I usually do. I'm just feeling a bit lost.

 :doh: teachers should know better than to act like that really :aaauuugh:.  I taught online high school math for 6 years... Well kinda my Pollyanna side did. I did a couple of times but for the most part let her do the teaching stuff.  Which is mostly why I'm not teaching anymore now that she's gone.  I'm sorry your friend is gone that makes it hard I'm sure.   :hug:. I'm sure it'll get better once your students are there. :yes: hopefully you'll have students interested in learning. :grouphug:

Deep Blue-

As a fellow high school teacher, I can imagine how awful it must have been having all the staff and principal yelling in what sounds like an awful meeting.  You have already been through so much this year and this is an unexpected and unpleasant thing made doubly so by all that has come before.....

I want to echo the idea that seeing students may be just the right thing to dispel these icky feelings. Let's keep that foremost in our minds.  And I will not mind at all if you have to step back from this site.  Take care of you.

I'll be thinking of you this week, DB.  :hug:

I've been in meetings like that and find them so triggering and hard to deal with. I'm sure things will get better once the students are back and you can focus on teaching.  :hug:

 A big :hug: and a Cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream.
Let's sit awhile in quiet together and watch the stars.

Thanks Sceal, that sounds wonderful.

School started today.  I've been go go going for about 2 days straight.  It was tough.

The first couple weeks of school are kind of like getting back in shape.  My legs, feet and voice become sore.  I'm exhausted today.  It was good to see my kids... but boy they struggled this summer. I want to pick them up and tell them it's going to be ok, but that just isn't the reality for many of them.  Many of them had their homes wrecked by tornadoes and we just are getting back to life post mass shootings.

I wish I wasn't struggling so much myself. It's hard to see them now.. back at school.  They come to me for help just like they always do.  I'm just worried that I won't have enough to give when they need it so much now.  :Idunno:

 :hug: that's a tough spot to be in but I'm sure being there is a comfort to them. A familiar caring face.  I'm sure they will lean on each other and you will all make it through.  I will be thinking of you and cheering you on. :hug: one day at a time.  Sometimes kids become stronger when they realize that teachers and parents are human and hurting too.  So don't put to much pressure on you it's ok show that you are human too a little. :hug:

i think it's part of a shared experience for all of you.  i don't think you have to be super human.  like tee said, just the fact that you're there is a comfort.  you will be enough.  it's tough for all of you.  sending love and a hug filled with healing   :hug:

 :yeahthat:

Deep Blue, I'm thinking of you. I hope there is some ease in all of the tragedy of late. Give yourself extra love as well and perhaps that will filter through to those you are caring for too. 

:hug:
MB

Day 2 back to school and the kids look like the routine is already starting to benefit them.

Thank goodness.

I'm nervous about this weekend. Husband is gone... I'm beat from going back to work.  Even though I don't openly talk to my husband about trauma ever, it is just comforting to have him around. I always struggle more when he's gone and I'm not sure why.

I don't have therapy this coming Monday like usual cuz I'm going to the dentist.  My t said she would let me know if something opened up but I have not heard from her.  I hate this exposure stuff. 

My T asked me what it was about exposure that triggers negative thoughts in me.  I'm not sure... I have lots of self loathing for a couple days after each time.  I tend to freeze during the exposure and then end up kinda shutting down for the rest of the day. 

I just don't care about myself and can't understand why anyone would each time we do it...

I dunno... I'm rambling tonight and I'm not sure I'm being coherent
Night all

 :hug: routine is comforting just like having your H around.

I think freezing is probably pretty normal response.  I'm sure you do care but it's easier to freeze and try not to than to feel the emotions of caring for yourself in that moment.  At least that's how I've handled similar situations.  It's easier to dissociate than to stay in the moment with feelings.  It's hard and it's scary and hurts.  Baby steps deep blue baby steps.  I hope you have a restful weekend. I'll be thinking of you. And sending you good vibes. :hug:

Perhaps in time you can learn to care about yourself? I hope you do, even if right now you don't see value in yourself or care to care about yourself. I care about you, and I know I am not the only one who does. So, maybe for the time being just let us care for you even if you don't understand why right now? Do you need to understand that right now?

Sometimes it can be hard to remember that exposure therapy leaves us vulnerable, and for days afterwards there might be a higher likelihood of further triggering and exhaustion. It can be so frustrating because "we haven't done anything". Which isn't quite right, we are re-wiring old and faulty lines within. And that's not nothing. Actually it is quite alot. It is so D* hard. And it's okay and it is normal to be exhausted afterwards.

 :yeahthat:

love and hugs, always.  you are cared about and loved, never forget that.   :hug:

 :hug:

Love and hugs to you Deep Blue, I've not read your Journal for a while, and saw today what you're going through, and I wanted to send you a heartfelt hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Thinking of you.
Hope  :)

Deep Blue-

I just want to echo what others have said here.  You are cared about!  You make a difference in so many lives, and please don't forget that.

I hope this next week finds you feeling more resilient and with a greater sense of peace.

Sending love, fellow teacher! :hug:

Hello all,
Thanks for your warm responses. I know I have been mia lately.

Sigh... today is my birthday.  It's better than last year... but still not great.

I feel like I need to write down something I'm noticing with exposure therapy. 

I'm having a couple different reactions when it comes to it.  I have noticed that Afterwards I tend to have 1 of 2 reactions.  I'm either terrified and have lots of panic attacks and flashbacks OR I go into depression. 

It also seems to depend on what the memory is.  Memories of PA tend to bring fear.  The memories of EA tend to bring the depression.  I've been toddling with the depression for a couple weeks now.  I'm trying to keep on keeping on, but the truth is, I'm exhausted. Most days I wonder how much more I can do this... how much more therapy can I actually handle?

I guess it is the depression? But today... on my birthday... my mind tells me that I don't deserve any of my friends. My mind tells me that none of them really care.  If something catastrophic was to happen to me, they would all be fine...

It's probably my inner critic... so on I go... keep on keeping on. 

My wish this year when I blew out the candles???? I wished I could learn to love myself... I really do believe that my healing depends on it.

Goodnight all.

hey, db,

happy, happy birthday to you!   :cake: :yourock:

honestly, if you could just take a little of the love that's felt for you by people here, you'd have more than enough to be going on with for yourself.

i'm sorry for the depression - that sucks.  it's so draining.  do you think you need a little break from the exposure stuff for a couple weeks?  i know that processing my re-scripting stuff is taking me longer than i anticipated, and you've been doing this several times now.  just a thought.

hoping for a great birthday the next time around.  love you muchly, and sending a hug filled w/ birthday wishes and depression fighters!   :hug:

Dear Deep Blue,
Wishing you the best for your Birthday -  :cake: :bighug:
Also, a gentle hug too  :hug:
Hope  :)

Birthday wishes :party:

Happy birthday Deep blue :party: :phoot: :cake:
Sending you lots of love and a huge hug filled with care. We would all miss you.  You are working so hard trying to give yourself some grace and remember that we are here for you. :bighug:

Quotehonestly, if you could just take a little of the love that's felt for you by people here, you'd have more than enough to be going on with for yourself.

:yeahthat:
:party: :cake: :phoot:

Birthday/Everyday -- the best for you ... always.

                 :bighug:        :fireworks:

Thanks for the birthday wishes all.  Thanks for the love. I needed it more than you could know.
——————————————————-
I'm tired today... I've been tired for days.

I miss the way things used to be.  Last year I had a dear friend as a work colleague "L" .  Now she is working elsewhere.  There is only 1 other girl in my department.  We are friends... but lately I feel a distance between us. 

I miss  "L" every single day.  She was always happy to see me and never made me feel like a burden.  The friend that is still here... sigh... she's busy.  :Idunno:  she always seems stressed, never wants to kick back and relax... never seems happy to see me... it hurts a little every time. Lately I can't even take that little bit of hurt... so I'm just sorta avoiding her...

I have not told her this... too many years of being told I'm too sensitive. 

The thing is, I've learned that with cptsd, a strong support system is important for me.  I need people around that help keep me from drowning myself... does that make sense?  I need people that I can be around that make me feel cared for. I don't talk trauma to those in my life. (I'm not good at sharing in real life). What helps me keep stable and to keep on going is just feeling friendship and feeling love...

It's so hard when I look at my work life now.  I've had so many friends move on... one retired, one changed professions another became a district counselor. And then there is me... no change... still me... fighting the same battles and trying to continue the quest for something I will never find. (Mental stability). Maybe I'll never get there... maybe I should just stop trying  :Idunno:

 :hug:  I think that deep down, you know that stopping the healing is not a good option.  I'm sorry you are hurting so much.  I have felt pretty defeated myself over the past two months, and it's not an easy spot. 

Have you ever tried Tara Brach's Meditations?  She has a wonderful web site and there are many free talks and soothing meditations.  Maybe her presence would settle your nerves a little bit.  You deserve the best treatment, especially from yourself.

I've been thinking (for a long while, actually) of attending a support group. The National Alliance for Mental Illness (NAMI) has support groups nationwide. There may not be support groups for cptsd *yet* but imo even one for ptsd would be better than nothing. Idk, still thinking about it. Might be nice to talk face to face with people who are like me....

I am sorry I missed your birthday! Happy belated birthday! *hug*

Don't give up. Never do that. Maybe change tactics? Or carve a new path, but don't give up. You can take breaks, we are all allowed breaks to rest and gather strength to keep on going. I believe in you, and I am fairly certain I'm not the only one.

Thanks Jdog,
You are right... quitting therapy when it gets hard is not a good option. I just get so darn sad lately.  It used to be more anxiety but lately it's more depression... I don't like the transition I guess  :Idunno:

3R,
I don't know of any support groups like that near me, but it does sound nice. I'm tired of feeling so alone.  It's like a mental isolation ya know?

Sceal,
My sweet Sceal, thank you.  I need to change tactics I think.  Since I'm experiencing different responses and emotions I think changing tactics is exactly what I need do help me deal with them.  Thanks friend  :hug:

I'm so sorry for your deep sadness.  I wish we could have coffee IRL.  Not that I could take away the sadness, but I would listen and you could maybe feel that nice feeling of being listened to.

I am thinking of you, and sending healing energy! :hug:

so very sorry for your sadness lately.  since it seems to have switched, maybe there's been a shift mentally or emotionally that you're not consciously aware of.  or, maybe the depression is beginning to manifest itself in some of its separate pieces - sometimes that's easier to deal with and not so confusing.  i don't know for sure, just a thought.

i'm glad you think that quitting wouldn't be a good option.  as far as reaching mental stability, i don't think you can rule that out.  not yet.  you've come a long way, you're realizing and handling things in your life differently, and you're reaching out more, which i think is a sign of mental stability.  we all need the support of others, and that's a stable thing to be able to know and act upon.  i hope you can give yourself credit for all that you've done, continue to do, and how far you've come.

sending love and a hug filled w/ deep blue flowers.

 :hug:

Thanks for the hug Tee,
It is sweet of you.

San,
As always you are very insightful. I think there may be an emotion shift occurring.  I love the flowers.  They are beautiful.

Jdog,
Gosh that would be wonderful. I wish we really could hang out in real life.  I wish we worked together too.  I'm sure we would get along swimmingly in a work setting.
——————————————-
I think I'm going to go write in the therapy portion of the forum today.  I'll go there a little later.  I'm finished with the latest exposure therapy and I need to write about it.

Love u all, thanks  :hug:

Sending you an invitation to come join me watch "The Theory of Everything" while nibbling on some brownies or carrot cake and having tea. Take a break from everything for a short while. *hug*

Thanks Sceal,
I need to sit in the hug a bit today.  Carrot cake it is.  :hug:

Don't let me get lost! The thick depression is there and I'm contemplating bad things. Things I know better than to do...

Deep Blue, it is so hard when those feelings and thoughts come. That darkness. I care about you. If I was with you IRL, I would wrap you in my special blanket, bring you a cup of tea or coffee, and listen if you feel like talking or just sit with you.

Feelings always change.  Life is about impermanence.  This feels like a forever thing when we get stuck, but remember all the other times when you became unstuck.  It will happen once more.  Faith is hardest to keep when we sit in the dark.  But the light is still there, coming toward you.  You are never forgotten, never alone. :grouphug:

I hope you can feel the love that everybody here has for you. I know it's hard, but you'll get through this. Above the clouds, the sky is still blue. Sending you a :hug: if that helps.

we won't let you get lost - we're here with you, all the way.   :grouphug:  love you, db. 

 with you Deep Blue :grouphug:

I need someone in real life...
Love you all but I need someone to watch over me, check on me, take care of me.

This should logically be my husband but it isn't.

Really really down. Feel like a waste, I'm at work but I'm not really here...

 :hug: I wish we could be there in real life for you.   :hug:

Quote from: Tee on September 10, 2019, 02:53:38 PM
:hug: I wish we could be there in real life for you.   :hug:

:yeahthat:

Do you think it might be worth contacting your T about how you're feeling? It's just a thought.

 :yeahthat:

sending angel wings to embrace you cuz we can't be there to do that for you.  sorry your hub isn't there for you, either.  love you much   :bighug:

Thanks you guys,
It really does help. Honestly...

Really weird flashback this morning. It was a smell one.  I got out of my car and threw up.

I hate that.  Hugs :hug: I hope you are feeling better. :hug:

hope that got some of the poison of the past couple days out of your system.  love and hugs   :hug:

Thank you all so much.

I'm doing a bit better today.  Strange dreams but less flashbacks so I'll take it.

Busy day, busy 6 weeks. I started 2 grad level classes and I'm working full time and a parent and trying to get my mental health ok

 :hug: I feel you deep blue one step at a time.   :hug:

 :hug:

 :hug: to you Deep Blue.
Hope  :)

Hi Deep Blue.  I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hear how much you have been working on.  You are amazing!  Hang in there and give yourself loads of love.   :hug: