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Welcome to OOTS - New Members Please Start Here => New Members => Introductory Post => Topic started by: Silverhalo28 on May 13, 2019, 04:03:48 PM

Title: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: Silverhalo28 on May 13, 2019, 04:03:48 PM

I joined a while ago just doing some reading in relation to a friend and have been absent for a while but im just wondering if anyone has any experience of this in relation to CPTSD?

Title: Re: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: Kizzie on May 13, 2019, 07:22:46 PM
I haven't but just wanted to say welcome  :heythere:  and that lots of us here have been disowned for other reasons or we have gone low/no contact with family so you are in good company  :grouphug:
Title: Re: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: Three Roses on May 14, 2019, 02:52:38 AM
Hi, silverhalo, welcome back.  :wave:
Title: Re: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: CheshireCanary on May 14, 2019, 03:26:04 AM

I'm a straight married female, and my toxic mom and brother disowned me because they are manipulative and I refuse to play their games.

In other words, I wanted to say I can totally relate to the pain of being related to people like that. No matter the reason, if your family disowns you, a person they are supposed to love unconditionally, you are far better off without them. I know it still hurts. Surround yourself with people who love you and support for who you are.  :grouphug:
Title: Re: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: Jdog on May 14, 2019, 12:30:49 PM

My childhood cptsd wounds were not necessarily due to homophobia, but as I became older and discovered my sexuality, I definitely have been rejected by some family members upon that basis.  It is painful to be shunned because of other peoplesí ignorance.  Now that I am much older, and a teacher in a public high school,  I have used that rejection and experience of ďothernessĒ to reach out to not only LGBTQ teens but to others who are marginalized as well.  My weakness has become my strength.

I hope that you, too, can find a silver lining in such a painful reality.  Meanwhile, know that your value is forever untarnished by this and that some very caring people will come into your life and surprise you with their love and openness to who you are.
Title: Re: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: johnram on May 14, 2019, 05:11:08 PM
you are indeed in good company

I think for me, not being in connection with either of my parents is the best thing for my life

i am sorry to be blunt, but why would you want them in your life given how they treated you?  i suspect, there is that child part that still needs their affirmation and love, but in time or even now, you can obtain that from other sources

sorry if i am off the mark here, but felt that was another perspective to consider

wishing you well, as much as i am being flippant, these transitions are challenging

Title: Re: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: Silverhalo28 on May 20, 2019, 10:30:25 PM
Hey, thanks for your responses. Just for clarification, it's not me that has experienced the disowning. I am in that regard very fortunate but I have a friend who has and so am just doing some reading and research to try and help her.
Thank you all so much for posting it is so great. 
Title: Re: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on June 13, 2019, 08:23:15 AM
Hi I came out of my denial at age 45 and now identify as a gay women. I told me f and he seemed surprisingly fine with it..
I havnt told my grandmother, she is 93 I don't know how she will take it.. And I don't seem to have the courage to find out.. I don't have relationship with m so don't need to concern with that
Title: Re: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: Jdog on June 13, 2019, 09:28:12 AM

Iím so glad that f is accepting of your identity!  And not telling a 93 year old seems right to me.  Unless you have heard her espousing a positive or neutral viewpoint towards folks in our community, probably best to leave it be IMO. 

Itís a different world than the one we were living in during the 1980ís when I first came out.  So much more gay friendly, at least in some places. 
Title: Re: LGBT - Family Disownment
Post by: Geneva on June 16, 2019, 08:26:20 PM
hi Silverhalo

The fear of my parents' outright rejection when I became part of the LGBT+ community in later life really did add an extra layer of shame and secrecy for the most part. In many ways I now wish I'd had the courage to let them know who I was becoming sooner - but I was barely aware of how their personalities had adversely impacted on my emotional development since childhood and how it important it was to still please them. As it was, they turned out to be less than supportive perhaps not surprisingly.

Not sure of your friends' situation - families can and do change their views for the better after initial outright rejection on coming out. It can take time and can come from a number of sources - getting over the shock, positive influences from more extended family  members or significant others, realisation that non acceptance could eventually lead to reduced contact etc. However many of us find ourselves affected by cptsd on account of having families of origin who were and are less than validating - so the validation your friend needs about her sexuality may never come from her family.

I've also witnessed people close to me who cling desperately to families of origin in spite of the invalidation - being supportive as a friend in that situation is a tough gig, but sometimes there's misplaced hope that all will eventually change for the better. It may also be difficult for your friend to go no or reduced contact with her family if cptsd is playing a significant part in her life. Your validation and support for her new identity is crucial though and not to be underestimated. 

thank you for your lovely supportive comment jdog